The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 01/14/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #46

Episode Date: January 15, 2013

Brody Stephens calls in and reminisces with Joey about their time in Seattle. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. Streamed live on 01/14/2013

Oh shit. Well, early this morning, Lee ain't fucking around no more. The New England Patriots win. When he gets up, he's doing, when I came and he was doing jumping jacks. Oh, shit, the Ohio players. Hit it, brother. Don't allow those people. I wasn't doing jumper.

Hell now fire. What? These are real motherfucking black people right here and shit. It's funny on the album cover on iTunes. The way you walk. They all have arrows. Oh, what do you think they're going to have? fucking straight white hair with a little

fucking plaid shirt on. Yeah. These are hard hit and banging motherfuckers. Yeah, it's his black tower on it. Oh yeah. You click that shit for these people. He's smoking baby. Don't wait a son. Turn. Real Eric Monday.

The church of what's happening now, bitches. Monday morning. What's today's day? Talk like the 14th. Oh, shit. It's all over. This is when the real year starts right now. Wiggily, hit it.

Gonna get your kicks. Oh, Hillary. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Makes you want to go out and hang out with black people and jump up and fucking down on the corner and make fun of whitey. And see, you can do that because you're Hispanic.

White people can't do that. You could do whatever the fuck you want to do. It's America. You can do whatever the fuck you want to do. You want to put a hat on, a pink fucking hat on right now with a feather in it, and just go to any corner, get a bottle of fucking branding and go hang out with some black people. They'll take you.

Cool. You're just cool. I'm sick of being fucking white and walking around eating tuna fish. I'm switching governments. I'm coming to hang out

with the brothers. Where's the Ohio players? One more time. Fire. You're slipping. You're slipping. You're slipping. Fucking.

Oh shit. Got me burning. Got me burn. That means he fucked the white bitch already. He got gonorrhere in his fucking helmet. Look at him. He's burning. He's...

Oh, shit. Kick it. Wiggle Funko Joey. It's Monday. The church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. Get up. Get up.

Oh, shit. Come on Lee, smoke some of this motherfucker Let me name is shake what you got Go Lee, come on you, this is Monday morning You gotta get the party started right brother These people at home, they're drinking orange juice They're doing push-ups, look at Lee, looking like a waiter And fucking, go-go the child, all he needs is a sword

Go Lee, what's that, a half a hit? What are you going to eat? You're going to start a fan and live I'm in my own house At six in the morning, and I'm cold. He's talking shit about a little bit. Because you don't put the heat on you. You got the fucking heat on 48, like the half of June and New Year.

It's on 67. 67! What? Good it. The church of what's happening now, people. Get out. Give yourselves a kiss. For fucking, it's Monday.

You're awake. It's a beautiful day to be alive. They can't stop you. You know what I'm saying? Wash your pussy. Wash your helmet. Get out there. Let these motherfuckers know.

What's crack or lacking them? How about a big shout out to the people who got me. looking beautiful and healthy, Onit.com. Go to Onet.com. Order that strong bones so you can walk around and your joints don't hurt. Get that immune tech. Fucking tremendous. The Shroom Tech, the immune.

It's shroom tech, immune. I'm a little high. I'm fucking sorry. I fuck up the words. Like Ozzy in 73 with Snowblind. And get yourself to hemp protein. That's what I have for breakfast today. I'm feeling like. Last night I made a fucking hemp protein shake with a banana in it. Oh shit. I got so stoned in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I couldn't take it. I had those weight watch of the extra points. You get the extra points on Sunday. Okay. So you get your lump sum for the day and then you get like 49 action points, whatever the fuck they are.

Are you creamy or chunky peanut butter? Oh, I'm a creamy type of. Oh yeah. What kind of jelly? You know, the regular Welsh is great. Welles is great. Right? Oh, fucking people.

Someone tried to tell me to do strawberry or razzca. Oh, you want to smack him in the fucking face. I don't just, listen, you fuck with my peanut butter jelly sandwich. I will fucking stab you. Yeah. I like Jiff creamy. Yeah, exactly. I like my white bread, white is.

be like if you got it from fucking Chad Smith's house that's how I like my white white than white. I love fucking white bread. Love it. Love it. Wonderbread? Oh, but now they got that new softened. I don't give a fuck. I know. Oh, well, my coach, I don't give a fuck. I'm telling you peanut butter. What are you going to eat peanut bread in a whole

wheat, whatever? Organic peanut butter. You know what happened organic peanut butter. You've seen all the motherfuckers at the house with the assholes open with Mr. Peanut come and I just stick to what the fuck's been working for 2,000 years. Right away, I'm going to eat organic peanut butter. I remember from Tray to Joe. Yeah.

They all ended up in the fucking hospital. Salmonella, yeah. Yeah, salmonella. So stick to what the fuck you know. Regular, jiff. What's the other one? With the peanut, with the fucking hat on. Skippy?

Skippy, whatever the fuck. Those motherfuckers have been around since Abe Lincoln. And by the way, fuck Abe Lincoln. And fuck Daniel Day Lewis with his fucking Lincoln movie. I love it that I go won last night. Tremendous fucking movie. I hate when they put together these big money movies and they pick like an actor and he starts walking around like a jerk off.

You know, like, you see him now? He even looks like a movie. like fucking Lincoln. I can't stand that shit. I can't stand that shit. And what the movie do? Who Gats? It did nothing. People don't give a fuck about Abe Lincoln. I hate that shit. But there's always that group that they

want to seem more intelligent than everybody. Oh, but if it's a fuck about Abe Lincoln. If it's not about Kim Kardashian sucking a black dick, nobody wants to know about it. The intelligence in this country is gone. Not because we're not intelligent almost because the fake motherfuckers can't even call it right. They can't even

call it right. The ones that are supposed to be genius. and all this shit, Lincoln. Who gives a fuck? Meanwhile, some skinny kid from fucking Boston that I showed that movie Goodwill Hunting that ate some Jennifer fucking Lopez pussy and got off track

because anybody who eats that ass where's Mike, whatever, where's that ex-husband? We got a little Puerto Rican kid that did the heck of a little of all. What happened to him? That dude's in a clinic right now with tubes all over him with like a last napkin of her wiping her asshole

with snuffing it. Try that asshole a fucking kid. You know that music video that he's in where she's like on a boat? And he's just rubbing her ass? Who's that? Jennifer Lopez. Who's rubbing her ass?

Ben Affle. Yeah, he never recovered from that. He even lost a wig. He took the wig out and everything. He said, fuck it. You know, he's got a wig, right? No, really? That's the word on the street.

And it smells like ten dead Iranians. It smells fucking bad. What's his name? Steve Harvey finally took the wig off, that black, block fucking wig he had on for years. Really? God, from all I've known him, I think, I don't remember him not being bald.

That's a wig. That's a wig. He's had on for years. That little fucking, he taped. bought it from fucking Sanford and son's family and shit. He sent like Red Fox's uncle 50 bucks and bought like the little wig and put a... Jesus. Like a little fucking black football helmet.

I mean, in the 50s, they wore those little helmets, the leather helmets. Yeah. Sweet is tremendous thing on Monday. You know what I love it. I love getting stoned. Now I know why you like coming over. You can't smoke weed in your house. You can't smoke in the house.

No, no. I got to stand outside like a communist. Smoke on my bubble. It's cold. You know what? It's 40 fucking degrees in California. And I got to take it. the rest of the world,

whoever will listen to this podcast, they're freaking out. If you think the fucking rain kills these fucking Anglos out here, wait until they wake up today. And they're frost, and they're watching KTLA news, and they're showing the apples all cold. Everyone's taking their sick day today.

All these people, pussies to the fucking max. You understand? You know, like, what's that thing in high school when they teach you a number? You got to put a number next to it to show the power.

Like three to the third power. They're all fags to the eighth power. Today, once this cold weather hits, they're like fags to the first. first fucking power today. It won't come out. And for me, a guy like me, I used to fucking mug people in this weather.

This is beautiful mugging weather. Oh, yeah. East Coast, this is nothing. East Coast, this is warm. Because you kick him in the fucking stomach and the gliding. Hold on. Oh, I just shit my pants.

I think. Bro, last night I walked home and you know you have to shit. I kept pushing it. It was all the pieces of shit that was sideways. Why are you pushing on the way on the walk home? Because I'm going to get ready. When I'm walking up the stairs, I want to come out like soft serve.

Oh, God. I'm so stoned I've lifted this fucking joint 18 times I'm like a Jewish arsonist on a fucking Tuesday You know what I'm saying? Comes in, knocks up my door tries it to see if it's unlocked Like I'm gonna leave my door unlocked for you

I don't know I don't know if you make them believe you're naked Make them believe you're fanning you I told you if I walk in and I see you whacking off the church It's over I can't have that You're doing a little cappuccino You're a little dick in your helmet

I have this new beautiful computer With a huge screen I gotta do it Don't jerk off on the computer because I'll fucking stab you. You get blood, come on that fucking thing. I'll check your fucking. I want you to cover the numbers, too. Just in case I press the Tia.

It's a little sticky Tia. So, yeah, did you see the fucking, the line on the Baltimore New England game is already New England favored by 10? And normally, I'd be nervous about it, but fucking no-name Baltimore player already started talking shit. So that means the Patriots are going to win.

Explain some to you. For starters, I want to give a shout out for everybody who called yesterday. It was a great podcast. Yes, that was a great time with Tom's a good. and my man Steve, the fucking Philly Godfather. He was pretty good. I went on his webpage.

He split out yesterday. He went out one-in-one. You know, he read the line wrong on New England. I mean, he forgot that that's Tom Brady. He probably got that Brazilian chick and smelled her fucking muffler night before and ate that ass. Oh, yeah. He came out like an omnis fucking soldier. You understand me?

That's high performance, bro. That's his high level. He does that more than he doesn't do that. Oh, yeah. He's the real deal. Like I said, I was watching. him last night when that ball gets released but I was watching one of the games

I couldn't believe how much time they had like that fucking offensive lines are getting great and when the playoffs you see great offensive line there's no fucking around it's either the offensive line wins or the defensive line takes them over yeah somebody yesterday was it that Seattle versus Atlanta

and Seattle the Seattle quarterback had all the time all the time in the fucking world I was watching something yesterday I had my my cousin over my uncle's daughter yesterday from L.A. over and we had a nice time. We play it with the baby and stuff and it's so weird that I have my uncle back in my life again

because I'm starting to write this I've been writing this book with Omar Lopez but like again I'm not an author and I'm not a writer I don't know what the fuck I'm doing but I try and that's the most important thing that I realize that with writing you know when you first get to LA you buy all these writing books

on writing and you read all of them but what the books don't tell you is to start fucking writing. That's how you learn how to write. You don't learn how to write by reading about writers. I mean, you read writers work. So I would read Bikovsky and all that shit and I would say, oh, I wish I could write like them. It's just like anything

else on life. If you say you wish you could do it, you could do it. It just starts, it's like watching HBO and seeing a comic and going, look at that fat Joey Diaz, he ain't shit. I could do what he's doing or better, and that's how stand-up comics are born, that's how basketball players are born. You're eight watching a fucking

basketball game with the basketball bouncing on the floor and you're like, I could do, what the fuck am I talking about here, Lee? It's fucking Monday I want to be around A little Tony Bennett for these motherfuckers What's going on? If you're going to be DJ Lee

The Flying Juice Ayette You gotta get it together I had it ready I love you looking good today You're happy You still love the girl in Boston You send us some kisses already Here we go

I want to be around All right A little something for my mom and shit She's a grandma Heaven on hell Where the fuck She's got a She's got and I love your grandmother's shirt

The hell right now right sitting next to Hitler and fucking Idiomene. Your mom's done. You're going to be stoned. You're really stoned? You got to be stoned. It's Monday, Doug.

How am I going to set these people out in the world sitting here like a regular fucking mope on Monday? This ain't a podcast. This ain't a fucking radio show. This is two fat fucks hanging out, getting high, talking about their day, and just encouraging people to get out there

and do the fucking same. Wait, you gotta come on me and sit next to me because you can't miss out on this fart. This protein banana, peanut butter. I can miss that. No, no, no, no, you don't understand. I mean, I want to be around. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Jesus. That poor old lady you tortured with that part that one day. I'm sorry, I love it. But there's nothing like a Monday. Let me tell you something. If you lived it up on a Sunday, like a king, the first or the second.

Where are you turning the music off for? I'm serenating here. You know what I'm like Sinatra. At 57, I'm serenading over the fucking music. If you don't, that first fart at the morning, when you get in the car with a truck on Monday, you started up, and you're sitting there, and you're in there looking at each other.

That first fart don't come out. It smells like something deadly. And you didn't live it right on Sunday. It always smells deadly in the morning. It's awesome. Not really. Not really. I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were a farted connoisseur. Do italy. It's fucking. Monday morning. You know, and this is what pisses me off that a lot of people don't know. And a lot of people do know this. Let's get down the basics here.

You know, the new, happy new year, and then last Monday was the seventh, and the whole thing the year started. Today is the official start of the new year. So do me a favor. People, get your notebooks out of the year, write what you want out of the year. Write what you want out of the quarter.

And write what you want from today. Just write it down. At the end, by the end of the year, I want to be a studio technician. By the end of the year, I want to lose 80 pounds. And I swear to God, next December you're going to look at it. You're going to go, fucking Joey. I did it.

I did it this year. I did it little goals. I want to be on four TV shows or whatever. You do them. But unless you write them or you see them or whatever, it ain't going to go down for you. So I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. With these Anthony Robbins, you've got to walk through fire. You're going to walk through none.

You've got to walk through your own personal fucking fire. That's all you got to do. Get up. Get that fucking notebook. Write it down. By the end of the month, I want to be 10 pounds lighter. I want to be throwing sidekicks. and I want to mug my first fucking Hindu

and boom, buddy by the end of the month there it is, it will fucking pop up for you and you'll go, Jesus Christ, you know why the power of the word, like my man Jim Jim Handy said, what else is going on? So you listen to that, you know, we're having an interesting conversationally and I tell him with.

So, um, like we were talking about yesterday, I've always been a huge comedy fan and, uh, so I hadn't got into Aziz, I'm sorry, and people hate him like they hate Dan Cook. And so I was on, on Netflix and one of his early specials, not his newest one, but one of its older specials was on

there. So I watched about 20 minutes, and I was giggling, and I was telling you, or when you came in, that I understand why people don't like him, because I giggled at some of his jokes, but a lot of it is just, it's why he's good on that Parks and Rec Show. He has an interesting delivery, and that's what you're laughing at. His punchlines aren't really anything. to be that excited about. And I was asking you, because, I mean, you have a very good insight to it. Is why, I mean, it's people, like, the comics, or a lot of the comics, like, universally hate him.

You know, I've never really spoken to him that, like, hates him. They just can't understand where the hype comes from. Where most people, most people are at home going, you know what, Joey's a fat sack of shit, I don't think of pot, and that's understandable. You know, yesterday, a lot of people sat there and goes, I don't know, there's people still sitting there today and dinner, at breakfast, right now.

looking at each other going, fucking Tom Brady sucks ass. Yeah. And you're like, what Tom Brady were you watching, motherfucker? Because by now, if you don't think Tom Brady's great,

you know, sometimes you, an after comes along or an athlete comes along. But sometimes, let me tell you what I think it is, honest to God, I think it's like a social thing.

Sometimes I see people that I look at and I don't understand it, but that's not, I don't wish them well or wish them bad is what I'm trying to say. I just don't understand where they're coming from.

And it takes time. But sometimes I think people just go for the race card. Like if I like this guy, people won't think I hate Hindus. People don't think I hate black people. You never gone to a fucking party, and there's a white party. There's one token black dude they have. The family has a token black dude there. And they make a big fuss about them to let people know they're not prejudiced.

You don't have to let me know. It's in your actions of what you do. Just because I say nigger or chink or whatever, don't mean I hate black people or Chinese people. I love them. I got all the respect in the world for fucking. black people. I just say the word like a fucking dumb fucking immigrant

that I am. I just use that word but I have no hate for them or whatever but there's people that don't know how to express themselves and that's how they do it. Well, I have a Hindu friend just to show you how swarmy an international I am. You know what? Go fuck yourself and now they do each other. Like now that you start going

to people's house and they introduce you to like an Arab guy and his cool, his name is like a mobby and his cool as shit you know but then they start outdoing each other like they start going after who's got, who those the more original Arab. Like, now they got to get one with sandals on. And the next reunion, one's got a fucking

Pogon, whatever the fuck it is on their hair. Like a... What do you call that shit? I don't know. You know, the fucking thing. When you walk a turban on their head, you know, they outdo each other. Now when you go to a party in Beverly Hills, they don't have regular black people. They got like an African with a fucking horn coming out of his nose. That smells like a fucking zebra.

Because, you know, we got to show people. We don't know more. We don't like black people. We go right to the root. We love Africans. There's always people who got to fucking be cooler than somebody else. Why can't just... You know what I'm saying? I love Hindus. I love them all. I talk to people every fucking day. And I

get a little laugh. When I go to that 7-11, remember the video I made it, Matt Flavis? They still love me. I love those motherfuckers. That guy's getting yoked on them, steroids. That's a Hindu on roids. That's getting used. Oh, he's on steroids? I talk to everybody. I don't give a fuck with National. I goof with everybody. You got to goof it. And sometimes

you throw them off like they... I was walking with some tight-light. If this guy didn't have a Yamaghan, you would have thought he was the tightest white guy you ever seen your life. Walking at the hospital. Okay. Me and him walked together from the thing. And we started talking about,

your wife having a kid, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what I said to him was walking in the elevator, but don't worry, your son's got a career. And he goes, what are you talking? I'm going to go, you're fucking running with the Jews. This kid busted out in the elevator. He busted out in the elevator. You know those glasses this way?

Not even nerdy glasses? Nerdy glasses around. This guy had those tight glasses. Yeah. You know, he lived in the bed. Beverly area there, where all those heavy-duty Jews are. Oh, yeah. By the bagel stores, like Beverly and La Breaer down there, that's heavy duty.

That's heavy. You could buy a machine gun down there, you know what I'm saying? Fucking an AR-17 and go fucking shoot peasants or something. It's like that place of Roma on sunset. Yeah, that's in his real place, yeah. And they're nice people. Every time I go on, the guy sends over a dessert, or he's very nice to my wife. Bro, that's a fucking great idea for lunch my wife.

I don't go for it, though. Why not? Because I got to pack the kid and not. She doesn't want to leave it anymore No, I gotta go to the doctor tomorrow So I might take her with me I take the kid out every day And the son

I don't give a fuck You gotta take a month People say you don't take your kid For 40 days Fuck you The sun There's nothing better in the sun Plus they gotta breathe this polluter there

It's good for the fucking kids' lungs You gotta be honest You gotta keep me in the fucking house I want to meet in cat litter I had the kid eating cat litter The other day by the spoon Is she sleeping still? Why you guys get lucky

I got up before When I got up before I went right in I brushed my teeth. I went in there. I made some coffee, and she was awake, and I played with it a little while, and it was fucking great. Yeah? You know, she just giggled at me a couple. Whatever.

I don't even know what the fuck. She's just moving her tongue around, like a little party kid, but she's healthy. You know, like I said, I had a headache, man, for four weeks. I don't know if it was my wife giving me the headache. I didn't know if my blood pressure was up. I went to the doctor. I got a blood test, and it was stress. It was distressed, but it was really like this pain in my heart stress about what.

what would happen to my wife. Like what my life would be like without my wife. It killed me. Like I was like, I couldn't imagine a world without my wife now. I've been with it for so long. And you guys are at home going, Joey, what the fuck? You were mugging people eating Lucy Snorpewish's asshole out with a quail. Let me tell you something, man.

Lee's young right now, 24, and it's tough to explain to somebody. When you're 24 and you look at a woman, you look at it as a piece of ass sometimes. Unless you're normal. You're from a normal fucking background, like unlike myself. You look at a woman from a different perspective. And I was with a woman before that gave birth, and I watched it and that. Well, that was no big fucking deal. This chick here that I'm with, I've been with her for a long time, T.

And we've gone through financial struggles and emotional struggles, which is, that means you're in the pit with somebody. When you're in the fucking pit with somebody, you know, when I was growing up, I was in the pit with Rego. I was in the pit with, you know, I knew what was going on in their home. I knew that their parents weren't there. They were arguing that, you know, their parents weren't. them to be a cook and they wanted to be, I knew what they were going through. So we worked it

out together. You know, that's different than the friends I have now. You're an adult. You know, you're established already. There's nothing I can do to help you. But if you and I were two junkies and we depended on everybody, like you had the car and you drove and I had money for heroin, we go through something. Even after we both got sober 20 years later, you mean that much to me because we went through something together. And that's really big. A lot of people I don't imagine. You know, when you're out there every day, when I was out there every day,

those people I hung out with at a bar with that I didn't want to be with, became my blood because we're out there for the same fucking cause. If you got 100, I snort, and if I get 100, you snort. If I find a truck to rob, you get a piece of it, and if you find somebody to rob, you get a piece of it. You know what I'm saying? You become gumbas from a different place.

Your friendship comes from a different place like ours. We're friends, we fuck around, but we also make paper together. And we know what it's like. We've both eaten a fucking bullet. we both have done something for free, your time. Your time is very valuable to you. And I take your time and you steal my time,

but eventually in years to come, we'll build something together. We'll remember this forever. You know, 20 years from now, when you're doing a seminar on podcasting and shit, they're going to go to you. You know, I know what it's like. You know, and that's the things that are different. You have to see, like, the people I talk about on this thing.

I got an email when I first started the show, and they were like, you know, you're talking about the church or what's happening now, but you always talk about the past because I wanted to show you guys the bonds I have with these people and how important these bonds are to me. No matter what happens in my life, these bonds can never, ever, ever be broken

just because of what we went through together. Yeah, the church of what's happening now, but, I mean, more so for you, because you're old and you went through a lot more, but you wouldn't, if you just ignore the past, like, isn't it, if you ignore the past, or do you never repeated or what is that saying? But, like, you just have to look back.

Listen, I don't want to talk about how you got raped in the fourth grade every fucking day. Yeah. But I want you to think about it. To strengthen you and to strengthen your fucking debt. I don't want you showing up at work, pissing on my fucking shoes. And I would never go to your work and tell you the story about my mom. I don't want to piss on your fucking shoes on Monday morning. But as you're taking a shower and you're looking at your eyes and you're looking at the years and what's coming through your life and you look at your eyes and the wrinkle and you go, that wrinkle is from that time that this happened.

This is never going to fucking happen again. You understand me? And today's the fucking day. Somebody's going to pay me heavy for leaving this fucking house. Because you know why? I might be black. I might be Irish, but I'm a fucking Jew. I understand me?

When I wake up, I go for it. You've got to go for these motherfuckers. And I know you haven't... Even before I ask the question, I know what you're going to say, because you don't like thinking two weeks ahead. But when do you think you're going to tell your daughter what you've been through? What daughter? Your daughter, the mercy was just born

Oh no, I'm gonna go home after I leave here and tell her about You fucking can't crazy? I'm not gonna ever tell her. Really? I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't know. She's gonna read it.

She's gonna see it in my face, like everybody else sees it. What do you need to tell them? I don't know what I'm gonna tell her. I don't want to tell her the drugs. I don't want to tell her that shit. I'll never smoke fucking a joint in front of her. I'm not gonna tell her that shit. No.

I don't want her. to ever think that her hero gets high and it's okay for her to get high. Well, not too much though. You know, our parents are our heroes. And I'll get arguments from this all over the fucking place. Our parents are our heroes. They're our first fucking hero.

The reason why we start liking Julius Irving is because our fathers don't have an afro and can't slam dunk in the fucking living room. But our parents, believe it or not, our mother is always our hero. Yeah, of course. And our father is always our hero. I never, you know, when I used to, was a kid, I hung out with the Holloways. One of the banging his fucking families.

I still talked to Roger and Pelly and Timmy. Timmy just called me. He was a getaway driver. Yeah. I'm Michael's Julius and Rogers. My brother, because he was there. He fed me. They were crazy, but you know what I respected about the father?

What? He said, I don't care what you motherfuckers do. You'll never get a beer out of my fucking refrigerator in this house. Even though I drink every fucking day. And you know I drink. And I know you motherfuckers are drinking. You're never going to get a beer off from me. And you're never going to have a drink.

with me. And I respected that. And you know what, Roger and Timmy ended up with their own different situations in life because that's the error we grew up in. But I respect that. I don't ever want my daughter to say the same thing about my mother. Dog, I hated drugs. Did you know that? Yeah, yeah. You know. I talked to people. In fact, I'm going to have one of my buddies's call from basketball. We just connected on Facebook and he was saying that, hate them because I seen what they did to my mother. I saw her. You know how embarrassing it was to be in the seventh grade or be a kid and your friend. come over and your mother's got white powder coming on her nose behind a fucking bar while

she's mixing drinks talking to people. They knew. Fucking people knew. And I knew. And it bothered the fuck out of me. The day my spirit died was the first. I did coke two weeks before my mother died that I stole from my mother downstairs in the basement. They were holding coke for people.

And that's the first time I did coke. I didn't get it on the street. I stole it from the fucking basement. And I'll tell you what, till this day it breaks my fucking heart because in the back of your mind it lets you okay. It's okay if I get high. My parents do it. It's okay if I drink alcohol.

My parents do it in front of me. I guarantee, I guarantee. You know, I was talking to some lady a day from the Ha-ha Terry, and she was saying that after you have children, once you have grandchildren, you want to do with them what you didn't do with your kids, what you know with the mistakes you made. You ever see, wait until you have a wife and kid, and wait until you have a grandchild,

and wait until you see how excited your mother and father get. Oh, yeah, my mom's already excited. Already because they know that they could get to do with you, what they didn't do with them or the other way around. I'm very sorry. And ask them, would you do the same dumb shit you did before? Just like, parenting has its mistakes. Nobody's ever going to be a great parent.

You just give it 100% and you hope to God that your kids get something from it. You get something from you. And that's it. But there's things I ran on the back of my mind that, you know, I always knew my mother got high. Always knew I owned a smoked pot. My mother stole my little fucking plants. When you're in the fifth grade and the first grade in New York,

you've got to cut a milk container. and put dirt in it and plant seeds in it and after the thing grows you have to bring it into school and they give you like an A in the first grader in kindergarten my mother and Tita

the Puerto Rican babysitter downstairs thought that was weed and they took it out and fried it up and then they realized it wasn't weed so they had to bring me another plant to replace that fucking plant to take into school in the first grade this is when I was in Manhattan

PS166 all going on so I know man I don't know I don't this is how I feel today yeah this is how I feel today. You know what? I don't want to do drugs in the house. I don't want to smoke pot in the house. I don't want alcohol in the fuck-up.

But I do want alcohol in the house. Doesn't mean I'll drink it because I grew up in my mother's bar. Until today, I don't drink because of the stupidity I saw in that fucking bar. That's what I was saying. I wouldn't say smoke weed and like have like a bong right there. But there's a thing to be said for

and I don't have a kid but I would imagine like in European countries where kids, like Italian kids are drinking from eight, not to get drunk, but wine with dinner, they don't become alcoholics. Do they really drink from eight? Someone like, my aunt is Italian and she's like 65, 70,

and when she was eight or 10, they'd have a glass of wine with dinner. And it's not a science, but it seems like a lot of people who are exposed to it, and it's not something forbidden, sometimes they won't go out.

You're right. No, you're right. Hey, listen, when I was a baby, they used to dip the pacify in Blackberry brandy and put it in my mouth, and you go down like fuck you go down like name Mark bar it's over no but yeah it's funny because you don't drink I mean every once in a while I'll see you with a drink

or you'll have a drink on a plane first off I get out drink any motherfucker out there oh yeah I'm sure I could out drink people it's amazing I've done shots of Yeager in front of people and seen people fall down and I'm like my tolerance is so high to it because it was in my system as a child I think when I was like three I saw my mother drinking a glass of wine

one day like that Italian wine with the with the paper under it. I don't know. That real Italian wine. When you go to the Micelli's, they have the bottle of wine all over the place, and they have the red covers on them. I see my mother drinking one,

a little glass, and I fucking found the bottle and drank the whole fucking thing. Oh, geez. And my mother said she woke up, couldn't find me, called the cops. Cops came, and I was in the closet shit, puked all over the place,

and I never drank again. She was like, you would never even fucking smell it. Like the smell of alcohol bothers me. But growing up in that bar, I also saw people's behavior and it drives me fucking crazy. It drives me

fucking crazy people's behavior on alcohol and I was at the gym and some guy came in to see the kickboxing teacher. His name is Coach Dave and the guy was bombed and if the guy only knew

I felt bad for the guy, he kept getting on the mat and the guy kept saying, dog, no shoes on the mat. I'm sorry, I love you. Hey, Dave, and he would yell out how much to put me, my daughter, and the kid in kickboxing. And you want to humor the guy, but in the back of your mind, you know he's not even going to remember this fucking conversation, this moron. If I was to play that tape and show it to him, he'd go, what the fuck was I thinking?

And that's what more people have to do, especially now with cell phones. You want to stop alcoholism, show somebody what the fuck they act like when they're drunk. Ooh, you shot that fucking duck. Show somebody. You know, I was thinking about Denver. I was thinking about the Denver car. I was having a great time in Denver with those three little kids. Yeah.

Remember, I was having this great time. And I'm walking out of there because the places get packed out of the UFC. And I'm talking to different people, Joey Karate. What's happening? What's happening? What up, man? Hugging people smoking dope. And this guy grabs me by the fucking neck.

And he's like, hey, Joey Karate. Lucy Snorber. Then his dumb wife comes, and she's drunken than he is. And she's rubbing the tits on me. And I'm like, really? This is why if you're drinking and you're in a relationship, pray that she smokes dope and that you're two not two fucking idiots. Like, that's why my wife will have a cocktail and she won't smoke dope.

And I'll drink and do drugs. My wife doesn't believe in it. So we're yin and yang. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But when you get two idiots that drink or two idiots that do blow together, that's always a bad combination. The girl I used to blow with the stripper that I found the fucking,

the other day she sent me a thing on Facebook and said, whoa whoa what kid tell me how big and how long and I wrote back you know how big and how long you dirty bitch Carol I love Carol I love Carol but uh what was I talking about I'm fucking high as a kite

When a couple does the same drug Yeah when a couple does the same drug Now you're both going down Now you both end up in a fucking rehab Both years are doing blow Both years are drinking So she's coming up rubbing her tits on me And they're like

Hey hey now Rogan and whoever Are you trying to call me And my wife's trying to call me All at the same time to find out where I am. And I'm trying to say, hold on one second. They're grabbing my fucking shirt, guy. Pulling me going, Joey, but I go, give me five fucking minutes.

And I didn't even say five minutes. I turned around. The guy grabbed me again. I had to go off on him. And I felt bad, but it was the alcohol. He was a fucking dummy. Yeah. They were fucking dummies.

And you sit there and go, you know. And he wasn't young. It wasn't like they were 20 either. That's what really pissed me on. Oh, Jesus. They're in their fucking 40s. They're adults, man. Come on.

Yeah. You both can't be hanging. And I'm powerful. How did fucking stadium beer? You got to control yourself at those fucking stadiums. I would never, you know, I don't drink on New Year's. Excuse me. It was really weird.

This year people kept offering me drinks. I was out. And I explained to people why I don't drink on New Year's. And people couldn't believe it. Like, really, you haven't drank you? And I'm like, New Year's Eve since 84, since Danny Bioncula, a kid who calls him to the podcast, bit off Roger Holloway's ear. I will never drink because I couldn't help him.

That feeling of being, ah, New Year's evening. You can't help your fucking buddies. You're defenseless. Never again. And I put that in the back of my mind. I never fucking get hot on fucking New Year's, especially drinking.

Get that fucking drunk. So for 2013, focus on the weed. Stop with the fucking pills and stop with the goddamn uncle. And those pills are just as bad. And don't get me wrong, I used to love a good fucking valium. Or little quay lube with some cocktails. Because when you're doing blow, you need the takedown. You need something to fucking bring you to sleep.

And I eat anything. I eat anything in those days. they got me to fuck except codeine oh i like coding i like coating i had a cough i had a cough once when i got bronchitis and smoking the hash they gave me coding and i loved it

you got any left i think i don't like it no it's good puts someone on the ice cube smoke a few fucking bong hits forget about it it's going to what time you gotta go to work till like godwick a seven o'clock seven o'clock yeah seven to five

i uh i don't I don't mind the nights but i think the next gig I get I would prefer to be days is it over are you at nights I mean, I don't mind them, especially doing this, but it's, uh, last week was tough because I didn't do that whole schedule when I was off for two weeks and just around 3 o'clock in the morning, you're like, fuck, I just want to go home. But, uh, but it's not bad. But what I was going to say was, it's, uh, actually, because it's, like having a kid freaks the, it scares the shit out of me. And I have kids who, friends who had kids when they were 16, 18.

So, and I can't even imagine. And I think you having a kid when you did. I mean, it's probably the perfect time because you have so much experience. And how kids were 18 do it? I don't understand. I never understood that either, but you adjust. See, you adjust when you, part of being a fucking man, part of being a human being is, what's that?

You adhere to the situation. You uplift yourself. You rise up and you fucking, the occasional, you fail. You know, so you have two options here. You know, no, I like people that always say, did you prepare for this child? Nobody prepares for a child. You smoke a joint, you're horny, you watch some fucking porn, whatever. Next thing you know, you're banging your wife or your girlfriend.

Next thing you know, she's telling you're fucking pregnant. You know, yeah, there's some lucky fucking goys out there that plan the date when they're going to fuck and they drink wine and they look at each other and put on back rack and they fuck missionary style and they have a child. That's great. But I bet 70% of kids that are born aren't fucking planned. Yeah. You just give them mama stabbing one night. You think you fucking pulled out, but uh-uh.

It ain't that fucking easy. It ain't that easy. And I knew it. I knew it because I was getting horned up, and I thought to myself, I got to stop shooting blanks and mama. Eventually, she's going to get pregnant. Sure enough, she got fucking pregnant. But I might, no, I'm not sad about it.

You know, for a few weeks I had my fucking doubts. Is it the phone? For a few weeks, I had my doubts, but I got to be honest with you. My goal, I disappointed my first wife so much. I disappointed in so many ways. And the one thing about me is, I don't mind pissing you. awfully, but I don't like disappointing people. I know how I feel when I

get disappointed by people. Yeah. Especially when somebody vouches for me. The worst thing I ever want to do is disappoint them. I really do. There's no worst feeling for me. I fucking can't stand my ex-wife. I can't stand my ex-wife. I know that if you put in a room with me within 20 minutes

I'm going to stab her. I know this. That's why I hate going to Colorado. For anything, for anything, because they're in the area. And I know that all I need to switch to set me to fuck off. in a bad couple weeks and that thing will push me right over the fucking top I'll show up in Boulder with a knife

barefoot an Irish Jew star on my fucking forehead made out of fucking pig's blood you understand me ready to stab motherfuckers but I can't really you can't do that so you control yourself

you know life goes on Lee Lee Leel Can I give a shout out for some people Lee to me? Oh yeah I'll let you do that What are you going to ask me to Fuck, sucker. Nothing.

All right. Let me give a shout to some beautiful. It's a Monday. What are you going to do? It's fucking Monday. I got to give a shout out to a special chick

that I love on Twitter because I always taught you about a little Jew pussy. That's my girl, Jenny Friedman. She's a little dirty animal. I want to give a shout out to Nicholas Fournier, great guy.

Matt Hake Brody, you bad motherfucker. Scott Freet. Declare O'Connell Saxon. You're another bad motherfucker Patrick Adams and the podcast pit

who's always there for me. And as usual, fucking on it.com. Oh shit. And do me a favor. Go to onit.com. Go purchase. Whatever you're going to purchase.

Go to the box. Pressing the code, church, and you're on your fucking way. Or Matt Flabe. I don't even know anymore. I think it's church. It's church.

It's church. C-H-U-R-C-H for you fucking people that fucked it up. They got like a, couldn't get it to the spelling bee. Why does my phone keep ringing? Who the fuck keeps calling me?

You know what I'm saying? These people have no class. They know I'm on the fucking. podcast. And they continue to fucking torment me. Do you see fucking, I can't believe it in, and I hope they're good just for their sake, but did you see that Schwarzenegger and

Stallone have new action movies coming out? What are you going to do? It's fucking... Stallone looks good. Stallone looks like he fucking is taking all the steroids. He just takes whatever they have. He looks like a beast, but... Is Stallone?

Now, this is a movie that I've been watching that something blows up. Yeah. That's all those movies. Oh, and there's another diehard. Another diehard with Bruce Willis? Yeah. No, now he's with his son.

It's, uh... Let me look and see what the movies are called. The new diehard title is just awful. It's, uh... Uh, fuck. A good day to die hard, which is a fucking awful title. Um...

And then, let's see what Stallone's new movie is. Well, I saw Stallone's new movie. I couldn't fucking believe it that. Listen, man, for years in this country, nobody fucking knew. You know, Charles Bronson, when he was 64, he was making those death wish. Don't get me wrong, I love Charles Bronson and all, but I didn't want to see him at a... And they've already announced Expendables 3. Hey, pick up the phone. Somebody's trying to call here.

No one's calling. He just told him he's trying to call here. No. Are you sure? I'm positive. I can't answer the fucking phone. God damn it. because that's what happens.

Are you sure nobody's trying to call? He says he just text me twice. Looking at it right now. Maybe he has the wrong number. You're trying to call the number I text you? Because we're right here, right now. It's not coming through. Yeah, call one more time.

What are you going to do? You know what I'm saying? Things are slipping. Are you slipping over that, Lee? Is it connected? It's connected. I don't understand this shit. Because he's texting me telling me he's trying to call

and the phone's not ringing. No. He can't have the same. Silence, you're killing me here. You sure it's connected? I'm sure it's connected. All right, fuck it. Then he's not calling.

What are you going to do? I just talked to him on my phone. He says he's trying to call. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'll call it to see if it's working, but it says it's working. Holy shit. Anyway, what the fuck? You want to play some music for him?

Something, Lee, you fuck. Let me just test it to see if it's working. I'll play the music right now. What are you going to do? Don't play no music. Yeah, I just call it. Yeah, no, it's working. I don't know what he's thinking.

What are you going to do? I don't understand this. I do not understand life sometimes, but what are you going to do? You just make the best of it. You follow me? Yeah, that's weird. But anyways, yeah, I don't fucking, all those old people, like, all those diehard and stuff, man. And people are going to go watch it.

It's going to make $20 million, and it's crazy. Listen, man, God bless it. I know when I was a kid and Charles Bronson would come out with a movie towards the end, diehard eight. Not die-hard death wish for and all that. I was embarrassed for him. I was fucking embarrassed for him. I really was. I couldn't understand how the fuck people want to see this.

And Stallone looks good. Have you seen him? Does he look good? I mean, he looks like he's in shape. I mean, I can't imagine if he's healthy. Look with all those steroids. But he looks like a monster. You know, listen, let me tell you some guys,

and I've had big issues with this, and I talk about it on stage sometimes. I'm 50. Look at my face. I know I'm 50. of my hair. I know I'm 50. Nothing I could do will ever change it from

you follow me from being fucking 50. I could dye my hair like I do for commercials and when I book something they always say dye your hair and we've had this fucking discussion. A couple of years ago I seen I was watching the MTV Awards. I was scrolling and I watched all the MTV Awards

and I see Diddy dancing on the sides and here is Bruce Willis dancing next to Diddy with that bald fucking head Now, don't get me wrong. I love Bruce Willis. I've been following Bruce Willis since he did Miami Vice,

the first episode where he played Tony Armato, The Guns Dealer. Have you ever seen that fucking episode? No. Oh, he's fucking tremendous. And in that episode was when he

caught on to whatever her fucking name was. Did he anymore? No, no, that's when he got a... That's when he got a... I don't understand. He says he's going straight to voicemail. now. It's like the never-ending

fucking battle for life here. Truth, justice, and the American way. You know, talk to these people from it. All right. I don't know what's going on, but something you always say is people change stuff that doesn't need to be changed. Fucking Apple is changing shit. And I don't know if you saw there as a story today,

that they had to cut their orders for the parts for the iPhone 5 and half. Because people aren't buying it. It's not that big of a change. so I don't know if because Steve Jobs is gone or what it is but the people aren't buying their shit anymore dog you can't keep coming out with something

every fucking six months you just can't it's basically impossible you're insulting people's intelligence after a while people cannot be that fucking dumb people cannot be that fucking dumb they cannot and it has to stop somewhere and I said a long time ago

unless these phones have machine guns or bulletproof fucking shields it's a fucking phone guys and they're just adding more more stuff to it. I love the camera on the iPhone 5. I think you could shoot a fucking tremendous movie with the iPhone 5.

I just can't see another 400. So how many phones they put out of year two? Yeah, it's one or two a year, and they come up with a new computer every year, and I know this means nothing to you, but so the mouse that you plug in is a USB, and everyone uses USB. Apple has that, but they came out with a new one

that only they use, and of course, you have to plug it. get into your phone, so you have to spend 30 bucks in new wires. On a special wire, yeah. They're going to bang you out at every level. You know what, after a while, it becomes a fucking it becomes a, uh, uh, uh, uh, like you're embarrassed.

Mm-hmm. It becomes a fucking embarrassment. Like, you're like, really, guy? Again, you're coming to me with this shit. And then they change it completely over and you, as a customer, you want to support it, but you can't. You're like, I can't keep doing this because they keep whacking me out. I know people get pissed at iTunes. I love iTunes.

People get livid at iTunes. dog I will not buy anything from iTunes and I understand it. You know, I'm the same way with AT&T sometimes. I don't understand these people with the iPhones that the serve is false. And you're still going to look me in the fucking face and tell me AT&T is what you want to use. Okay, you want to do business with your fucking service. You're paying all this money for the shit to go down every, you know, I just don't understand it. So eventually shit's going to taper up.

Let me tell you something. We're going into a high year now. Remember, the people that work over, the people that really, well, I shouldn't say that. The people that spend money in this country are us. Are the people that don't make any fucking money. We're the people who spend money. The people, you know, we're the ones that go to restaurants. People who make $250,000 a year or whatever the fuck.

The reason why they have half the money is because they fucking hold on to this shit. You understand? They hold on to it. They're home eating wonder bread and tuna fucking sandwiches. You know, and driving a BMW to show people they have money. God forbid. God forbid they could have a BMW and Audi or let people know how they fucking live. But at home they're cutting fucking corners.

And they won't go out there. those miserable motherfuckers. The other ones of us, the people who come to the comedy shows, the people that support us, they fucking barely fucking making it. But they're out there.

They come and they give you the fucking support, and they come and give it to you, and it's unconditional. The next day they're on Twitter and they're fucking loving it. Because I'm not stabbing them every eight fucking months with the same jokes.

Eventually you'll tap out. But if I show up every 18 fucking months and I have something to support it, you these motherfuckers will come out. Even if it's to come after the show and get high. How many shows have I done? The last year

or people like dog, I work. You know, I do shows on Thursdays. I'm going to San Jose on a Thursday. A lot of people work Fridays, but they'll come out and get high. They'll come out and fucking get stoned. When I go to San Jose,

I got to sleep for three days. That's why I don't do the weekends in San Jose. Why do I don't do the weekends in San Jose are in Cobbs? Because you have a weed hangover. The last time I did Cobbs was when I ate that fucking edible that I put the real shit came out of my asshole. It just flew out of my fucking ass. So this is what I'm talking about.

Yeah. You can't go to these people. well all the time. These people fucking work hard. These people fucking work hard. The money, it's like me, dog. I work hard for my money. So when I go leave here and I go to breakfast, where do I want to go to breakfast? A place where I pay $18

because they give you two eggs and a design nice. You think McDonald's is open because people are rich? Have you ever gone and looked at that McDonald's breakfast or $399? The two pancakes? Oh, that one, yeah. You ever smell it. It smells like cancer. Smell that platter from McDonald's the fucking

the scrambled eggs without the yolk Oh god It's cancer Yeah It's cancer You're like oh This is cancer

Same fucking thing People go in there and buy it Why because it's 399 Yep It's 399 It's part of that budget It works for them What are you gonna do

They don't give a fuck Yeah And I uh It was interesting Because I I had people My mom didn't understand it But I grew up in a

My parents moved into a nice town Before I got nice And I worked at the CVS there And I ended up switching I moved to a town that was a little bit more middle, lower class, like not lower class, but lower middle class as opposed to hire. Because I always liked the people who live there better.

And I worked as a waiter for three years. The people who were rich didn't tip. Didn't tip. The people who went out and only went out once a month or whatever, they would give me the nice tips because I knew how much you needed the money. That's right. The people that are fucking rich with the BMWs that come with the nice shirts and we just came from Bali and all this shit.

You people could all suck my dick. I don't want you around me. Anyway, where your fake fucking attitudes and your fake outlook on life, where your fucking Africans at the party that's not like a zebra to show everybody how cool and how nice you are. I don't want you fucking around me anyway. It's these people, these people on Twitter that fucking support us, the working fucking stiffs, just like us.

I got to leave here and go do shit just like them. You think I'd go home and pot of my fucking balls and count 20s. You're fucking mistaken. You're fucking mistaken. Lee's got a day job. I mean, you know, I still do. You think I want to jump up and down on fucking two and a half men. Did you see that yet?

I don't know. I don't know what to search. Was it Christmas episode or something? Nah, I don't fucking know. You're a jerk. You're a douche. All this shit. I mean, you know.

Let's look for it. But you don't have to fucking do it. Yeah, you're a douche. Two and a half men. You'll find them. But the worst one, I don't know if you've ever seen it. But American Express makes this card. It's called a black card.

Right. And you can't, you know, there's a $100,000 a year minimum, which means you have to spend it. There's no limit. So you could buy, people can go in, but you can buy a car on it. Right. That's how you get it. And it's made out of it. metal and shit. I worked at a nice seafood place and I had two or three times where people walking with that card and not tip. I'm like, they're spending a hundred grand a year

and not fucking tipping. And those are the same people that you look out of the party and you go, those people are such great people and they're such geniuses. They're fucking scumbags because they have no contribution to the human. They don't give a fuck about the people next to them. Yeah, it's fucking... And if you don't give a fuck about the people next to you, why the fuck are you doing this? Absolutely. I can't do this shit.

I can't rob people without a fucking gun. I feel terrible. If you're going to rob me, show up with a fucking gun. You know, I'm not going to put a gun out now in my life. I got a couple pieces hidden. But I'm not going to show up to you guys. I want fucking $92 for a T-shirt. A little fucking Joe Diaz.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Yeah. I just can't do it. What do you got from? I see it. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. They're really skipping and dancing.

Can you? Can you put it on louder? Yeah, no, I can put it on it. I'll be on. I'll show you. Thank you, Ellen, but you'll never be on. Speed it up a little bit. A little bit more.

Oh, there you are. There you go. You think I got to do that shit because I got to work too, like the rest of you motherfuckers. So when I go for Chinese food, I want the biggest bang for my fucking buck to. What are you laughing about, Lee? I haven't listened to the lyrics yet. And if you wanted to find this on YouTube guys,

it's two and a half men, your douche, epic musical season 10, episode 13. Oh, God. And it's, you were telling me, because it was right, you filmed it right after that actor, and it just came out that he's coming back. Angus said that the thing was disgusting.

It was that week. It was that week. And I haven't done it, but we talked in a, like I think it was yesterday or Wednesday, and he said that you don't like, like, on commercials and you're in a song

singing about your douche, you're a douche. And it's in primetime television. So I can't wait to listen to it. And it's fucking crazy. But yeah, so I know you do, but me especially, I really appreciate the people that we have, like, that are so nice.

And someone hit me up yesterday. They want to send us shirts and stuff, and it's just, it's unbelievable. People with their own small companies. It's great. Oh, we got a call coming in. It's me, cocksucker. I just wanted to test it.

He said he called over 20 times. Nobody called here over 20 times. What are you going to do? Oh, shit. I thought I was high. I was like, holy shit. Why do I hear him on the phone? Fucking spit on the camera.

People are hitting me. There's George Cavallo cocksucker. Anyway, who gives a fuck? No, and that's what my point is. I never, listen, 20, 30 years ago, I heard in this country that, when a car would come out. Like, let's say Chevy or Ford had a car.

They would park the car in the dealer for like two months before that with a sheet on top of it. And it built the suspense up for people. People really enjoyed, you know, suspenseful. But it was once a year. You know, I don't mind getting raped

once a fucking year for an iPhone. But I could see it coming. And if not say iPhone, it's the iPad. So they're banging you four times a year. And they just came out with a small one? Yeah. And the best thing about it? No.

And what's the rip-off? The cord from the other one don't work. Well, the cord doesn't work. but the best part is they came out with a three and like the screen's better and it's faster, but they came out with the smaller one after that and it goes back to the old equipment, so it's not even the best new screen and everything. And these idiots will buy them so they can go to a coffee bean and show people how, look at, is that the new one?

How's it work? Oh, God, yes, it's spectacular. Leave it at home. Leave it at home, you're fucking jerk off. You know, they got to bring it out to show people how cool they are to let people know they get financing at Apple and they're going to get raped and they take the class. So it's, you know, half of the shit people do. It's like when you go to a, you know, you ever go to a concert,

concert t-shirts are fucking $80. Oh, yeah, of course. $80 to have a hauling old shirt or something. Why do you buy that shirt? Let people know you want. Oh, of course. You know, I was there. I was there in front row fucking right there.

He looked at me. Get the fuck out of it. They probably left the first intermission. Yeah, you know, I love it. And it's just to let people know of the things that you've done without letting people know what you've done. It's great. I don't give a fuck.

I get crazy about it. I just hate people who have that attitude. Yeah. Like this is what, look at me, you're fucking jerk. You also paid $88 for that fucking shirt. Look at you, you cock sucker. It's a beautiful fucking day to be all. Look, you got some music for me.

My man, Brody Stevens is going to call with some positiveness for you fucking motherfuckers on a Monday morning. Let's see. Let me tell you something. I love Brody. And it's funny because I was thinking about Brody for the last couple days. And somebody hit me up on Twitter last night saying, and have you heard from Brody,

he might be a little who bots again, and I called Brody and spoke to him, and Brody sounded fucking tremendous. So people, stop worrying about fucking Brody. Brody's got it together. Brody's going to make it. He's fine.

I got him out of that fucking stupid brain thought he had, that people, you got to think of what people are thinking. All you got to do is get up in the morning, give it 100%. Let them think whatever the fuck they want to think, because when you go shopping, there's nobody there with a credit card,

helping you out. When you go to the route, so am I there fucking, hide, You're a fucking envelope full of 20s Jumping up and down Fuck no I wish

Jesus Fuck no That's how you meant I watched Carrie the other night No You know I read that Stephen King book And the story of Carrie

Really shocked me What's that? I don't know that one Carrey is you never seen Carrie Was Sissy SpaceX Is it the one with like No more wire hangers Is that it

I don't know what the fuck She had a tampon or something They were throwing tampons at her And when she goes home She's into telekinesis This moment we spoke about on the podcast where you move shit. Yeah. Which he wrote two things and they threw him away.

When he got home, his wife said, this is the best one you've ever written. Well, the other night it was on. Carrie was on the other night. Okay. Let me tell you some guys. This movie is from 1976, which makes it, you know, 30-something fucking years old. Almost 40 years. And I'm watching this movie with my wife.

And after 10 minutes, I look at my wife and I see my wife like, what the fuck? And I'm going, Terry. This is what I'm talking about. And again, you guys are going to get pissed off me. Joey, what's up with the morning? movies from the 70s. This movie, Stephen King wrote it. And Travolta's not even the main lead in it.

They don't even push him that much. He's a boyfriend to one of the girls. That's a little cock sucker, too. And the movie's about this girl that has a period in the shower and all the girls, but they always thought she was weird. And all of us have a girl that we grew up with that thought it was weird. In my life, there's a girl right now on Facebook. Her name is Nancy.

I can't say her last name. She's fucking weird. She sends me Christ things every day. When we were growing up, she had fucked up. teep but she's a sweetheart of a girl and she ended up looking up with this guy named radio joe right that was a fucking goof boy he was like six four four and he was goofy and i seen him electrocuted himself one day and me and veneery my buddy who owns a funeral paula yeah watch him get electrocuted one day we nearly fucking lap we died a laugh how do you electrocate himself doing something with wiring

he was because he was one of those goofballs that was always wiring shit oh jeez look what i invented a battery that shows lights at night and one day he fucking came back his clothes are burnt and shit. Radio Joe, that's what they fucking call them, but he's a good dude. But anyway, it's about this chick, and these guys get together. They want to make it feel good.

And they say, take it to the prom. This one girl who was Amy Irving, she was Spielberg's wife for a long time. You ever seen the movie Traffic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She played the wife, Michael Douglas' wife. Oh, okay. Okay, that older woman,

she was married to Steven Spielberg, and one of those chicks. This was she was just an actress. Uh-huh. and she's a nice girl like Terry like my wife just very nice very thoughtful of other people's feelings

and she said and don't forget to go to Bert Kreischer and tell him you want to buy Girl Scout cookies his daughters are going for some fucking Fort in Indiana or something like that go to Burke Kreisher's Twitter and tell them you want to buy Girl Scout cookies

besides that so they want to be nice to her or some shit so she gets her boyfriend who's a good looking blonde guy to ask her to the prom but these evil kids get to together and go, listen, let's kill a pig, fill a bucket with blood, and when they

win, the prom queen will dump the fucking blood on them. Holy shit. Fucking cold-hearted shit in the 70s, you know? So, this girl goes home, and she makes a dress, and the mother's like a religious freak, go in the closet and pray. You know, the blood comes, now the boys are coming, you know, and all this shit.

And the Sissy Space Act, who's a good looking piece of ass at the time. You know, she's like a white chick with freckles and like that beautiful strawberry blonde hair. Years later, she did a movie with Mel Gibson, that It's fucking great. I forget the name of it right now about their property,

getting taken from them or getting flooded or something like that. But, uh, cissy fucking Spaceic. They go to the prom. It's Zito from Miami Vice. It's, uh, it's white tech from Miami Vice.

The River is the movie. The River. The River. Fucking great movie. So, uh, they win the thing. And also they're receiving the award. And they pull the thing and the blood lands on them.

And the bucket kills the kid, hits the kid in the head. And she starts looking at the fucking windows. And the windows start closing. and all of a sudden she takes a hose and makes the room get hosed down with water. I mean, it is fucking classic. She kills every kid in the fucking school.

Holy shit. Every kid in that room she kills with her fucking mind. Lights the rule because then they get electrocuted. Teachers are getting electrocuted, touching the microphone going to run for the doors and all this shit. Then she's walking. And now the girl and Travolta are going to hit her with the truck and she turns and the truck goes off and it fucking blows up.

Right? It blows up and shit. She's walking home covered in fucking blood. She walks in the house. She takes her dress off so the mother doesn't know what happened. The mother comes down and she starts fucking tormenting her. Like, I told you not to go. They were going to laugh at you and all this shit.

And the mother's fucking sitting there. See if you find it. Carrie. The mother's like, I told you not to go. You're a whore and all this shit. She goes fucking nuts and kills the mother by mistake with her mind. Oh, carry it at the prom? You want to watch it?

Yeah, yeah. They put two fucking hands, two knives in their fucking hands. See if it even, I don't even know what would she. what would come up. Let's see. I have to sign it. It says this is inappropriate for some users.

Oh, no, no, this is 1976 when movies were fucking movies, not these little faggaping fucking movies you kids are watching now. So she kills the mother, right? She kills the fucking motherly.

Yeah, this is nine minutes. No, no, but you can play it just to show, just play it just so people can hear it. Is she going up to the stage already? Yeah, she's on the stage. She's up. And that's an overhead shot

of the blood. You're going to love it. Just leave it on while I tell the fucking story. Okay. So she goes in, the house falls apart, she dies, and the mother dies. Oh, fuck. They shoot to Amy Irvin's room.

Amy Irvin is the only kid that lived. Her boyfriend died. Everybody fucking dies. Yeah. All right. Everybody fucking dies. Yeah. Next thing you fucking know, the phone rings.

And it's Amy Irvin's mother picks it up, and she goes, oh, she's fine. You know, she can't recover from what's going on. All her friends have died. But I can't answer the phone for any more reporters. Okay. You know, she hangs up the phone, and the most of them they go to Amy Irwin, and they see it, you show Amy Irvin sleeping, and she's got a dress on with flowers. And she's walking towards whatever's house. Okay.

Carries house. And as she turns, there's a sign that carries property, and it says, house for sale. And it says, burn you hell, you fucking bitch. But she's just a good kid, and she goes to lay the flowers down, and the fucking hand comes out and grabs her. Jesus Christ! Me and my fucking wife shit ourselves. And I'm like, this is what the fucking. and 70s were about.

You understand me? Cocaine and fear. Did they dump the blood on it yet? No, it looks like they're about to. In fact, I'm so jazzed up. I might have to hit this fucking roach two times. Oh shit. Let's see if I can speed it up a little bit.

Oh, this is tremendous. Carrie, 1976, the prom scene, and hopefully they show everything, and then you'll watch it. This is the mind of Stephen fucking king. I wish I could write like that guy, I'd leave. Oh, really? they're this fucking messed up

this is a movie that made you think twice about being a fucking bull. Oh, here it goes. Oh my God. Oh shit. This is greatfully. So for people watching, that's four minutes that they were waiting for the bucket to fall on her. Holy. Suspense at his best, people. They don't even know how to do that today. They have no idea how to do that today.

You know what I'm saying? Don't worry about it, brother. We'll try it again. It came through over here. We can't figure out what's going out. It's coming through here. I'm calling it, and he's calling it, and it's coming through. So I'll give you a call later after the show, though. We'll try it again next week, brother.

Holy shit. So for people who, the bucket just fell on it and hit the prom king, but all they had for the audio is the blood dripping because they're talking and nothing, there's no sound. This is fucking creepy. This is fucking movie making. You hear the mother? Oh, this is the mother?

In her head. She's on the States hearing this. Yeah. Fuck, I'm going to have nightmares just thinking of this. Here's a real movie, ladies and gentlemen. Watch this when she goes, when you hear the fucking things going, E! Eat! That means she's killing motherfuckers.

And there's not one black kid there. She's just killing white people before you prejudice, motherfucker. Holy shit. Oh, my God, the mom's saying they're all going to laugh at real. Holy shit, she's closing the door. their fucking mind. Oh, my. Those little E, E, that means you're dying, motherfucker.

Oh. Fuck the shining people. I'm giving you carry for the fucking night. That's your homework assignment. I'm going to see a Lakers tomorrow. I'm farting over here by myself. These are the raunchiest worst parts that have ever come out of my hat and their little fart.

Let's see what Brody call then. Oh, shit. Yes. Is this my little brother? Yes, it is. It's Brody Stephen. I fucking love it. How you doing, buddy?

I'm doing great. I'm up early. It's feeling good. We're going for coffee today over at Marie E.T.? What do you think? When we'll get the coffee at about 8 o'clock? It could happen, Joey. We'll get the flying Jew to come out with us.

We'll smoke some dope. We'll do the fucking strength ball, the whole thing. You're ready. You sound like a million dollars, Brody. Well, you know, no, I don't. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. You sound like a million.

How about $1,500? I'll take it. I'll take it. No, you sound good, buddy. What's been going on? Talk to me. They've been busy doing shows, working with people, working over at the Byrne with Jeff Ross, helping out over there, doing some audience warm up.

I've got my HBO show that nobody. watches and I talk about. I've watched it a couple times. What's that? I've watched it a couple times. And I've talked about, are they bringing it back? Do you think they're going to bring it back? There's a chance, you know, that Martin Leesack, you know, a powerful Jewish guy negotiating

the deal. So we'll see, you know. I hope there's a season two. Me too, me too. You know, so that would be something that's exciting to do. but, you know, I just try to do my comedy, try to do my spots at the Laugh Factory, get up at the comedy store, you know, just keep that going. All right, and what are you going on the road any time soon? I'm going to be in Columbus, Ohio, with Little Esther on January 19th next Saturday.

I'll be in Columbus, Ohio. What's the name of the club? I forgot. Okay. Are you doing a couple different nights at Little Esther or just Saturday night? Just Saturday night. It's a one-time deal. Okay.

And how are you feeling beside that? How's your health? How's everything going? Talk to us. Joey, my health is good. I went to the gym last night. I'm on the elliptical for an hour. I'm really cranking it up.

I'm doing stretching at home. I got a spin bike at home. I'm watching the Golden Globes. I'm just, you know, I'm not. young anymore, so I've got to keep it going. I'm going to keep the joints lube. You've got to keep it all going. What did you think of the Golden Gloves last night?

I was a little upset that Silver Lighting Playbook didn't win much, you know. It's like my buddy Bradley Cooper did a great job. Great job, great job. Very impressed with it. But, you know, these foreign guys, they like that Les Miserables Ball thing, whatever, Les Miserables Rol, I don't even know what it's called. Les Miserables. You know, anytime these fucking people, these fucking goys,

here singing, they go crazy. That's why Dancing with the Stars, biggest show on television. These fucking guys love that shit. These little wasps, as you jump up and down, they go fucking nuts. And God forbid, Russell Crowe singing and fucking, who was the other guy singing with the pork chops?

Isn't that one of the fucking... Hugh Jackman. Yeah, Hugh Jackman. The fucking, what is he? Not Spider-Man, but he's one of those men. He's Wolfman. Wolfman. Yeah, Wolverine.

He's dancing, singing. Wolverine. What type of fucking wolf do you know dances and sings with a bunch of Harvey fucking homos? Not much, huh? What the fuck out of it? But Ann Hathaway?

I didn't watch them. I just, I can't watch that shit. What do I give a fuck? There's some good speeches, some good stuff, but it was all right. It was all right. I was just a little disappointed that a couple of movies

didn't win that I wanted to, but it's okay. What was the other movies you were cheering for? Well, Silver Lighting's pictures. That was the one I was cheering for. That's my fucking movie right there. I got it at the house. I'm going to watch it again.

I loved it. I loved De Niro in it. I loved Paulie Herman in it. I loved your boy, Bradle. That's the first time I really, really got into Bradley Cooper, the girl from fucking Hunger Games. Now, she won something, correct? She won the award.

Yeah, she won a Golden Globe for Best Actress. Wow. Wow. And De Niro was spectacular in that movie. She beat Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep is the kiss of death. I think it was Merrill Street. Streep standing outside of World Trade Center with an umbrella

jumping up and down. That bitch couldn't win in fucking Sin City, that poor bitch. She couldn't win a raffle in the fucking church. And she loses every year, right? She won a couple of us. Okay, I thought that was the one. I thought that was the one. Merrill Street has won a lot.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She just said that about Merrill Street. I thought she was Suzanne Lucci's cousin. You know, they can't win a fucking... She's worse than I am. She's the kiss of fucking death. She was sitting... She was cheering for four.

fucking, she was cheering for the fucking Texans yesterday, that fucking Merrill Street. That's what happened. What else is going on, my little brother? Always great to hear from you. I don't like too many people in the Hollywood area, but you, you know when I see you how big my smile gets. Nobody makes me smile like you, Cuck Sucker. You know, I get, I'm back in the Valley, Joey.

I know you mentioned Hollywood. I was actually in the heart of Hollywood. It's too much. You got to be in the Valley where it's, you know, you can relax a little bit, have some space, have some park, you'd have some peacefulness. And then at night, you're going to jump into Hollywood, go ahead and do it. But I'm out in the valley. I like to be on the suburbs.

Let me tell you something. I lived in Hollywood for, you know what's crazy? Brody, I'm going to be here 15 years now from Seattle where we first met. Yeah, up in Seattle. January 29, 1997, I think, is when I came. So it's really 16 years. That's amazing. That I knew that long ago.

Me, you, and Yoshi were up there fucking Josh Wolf, who's a friend of the show. I mean, we were all together up there doing open mics on a Monday night. And you know what, man, I could live to be 100. I'll never forget those Monday night open mics. Never, never. Yeah, they're great at the comedy underground, a lot of camaraderie. It was a, Seattle was a great spot for me.

Then you told me to go to New York. So, go to New York. Get out of there. Yes, yes. You had to show up there with Tana. We really did. I think about those Monday nights a lot and how they turned me into they worked on my manhood

and my, you know. Remember we used to promote our own shows and then go to McCormick and Schmitz and get the happy hour from 11 to 2? Do you remember when that's? Fucking Josh Wolf over at Lobo Loco. I mean, those are me in jail for fucking smacking Carol in the face

and eating her pussy and tying her up and hanging her upside down. Those are good times. I miss that shit. I miss being on probation. beating people up. I can remember those days. Beating people up at the underground.

I had that fight that night with Ron Reed, the people who smacked Ron Reed. There was a lot of action in Seattle. Did you get into, like, an argument with Al Fox, too? Al Fox. Yeah, we all did. We all got into it with Al Fox. He was like the paraplegic up there.

He was something, correct? He was a jerk. Oh, he was a jerk. That's what I'm saying. He was crippled, but he was a scumbag. Most people who were crippled. They're fucking humble. They come over.

They drool. They fucking hang out with you, not this motherfucker. This motherfucker would tell you to go fuck you. He's going to fuck yourself, fuck. What? I'll smack you, one-legged motherfucker. He was a nasty fuck. We had some crazy people up there.

That was the first time I really noticed that was crazy because of the people around me. What about the guy that used to show up with the handcuff on? What was his name? He died. He killed himself. Oh, Jeff Masterson? Jeff Masterson. I mean, these were people that, then you're,

You had Sue Paloo, and you had, who was the big, big chick that was, that won the Seattle comedy competition? Daddy Moon. What was, no, no, that was the black chick. What was the white chick that was about 500 pounds? Oh, oh, Peggy Platt. She was very sweet. Very nice fucking lady. She was very nice.

Wait, he's not alive anymore? No, I don't know. I don't know. I know who's definitely not alive, and that's the transvestite we used to torture. What was the name with the big head? Rita. Rita O. Rita O died from falling down and banging her head.

That's how big her head was. She was a little bigger. She had a big. How big was that? He, he, he. Yeah. Rita O is fun to make. She was a good sport.

Rita O was a great sport, man. I had to stay with her for like three weeks one time. It was amazing. I was eating her valiums. She had more pills in that fucking house than anybody I had ever met. But the best night ever was what was that club we used to go to oh my god

it was up up and that's not that city it was called with a B or something on Tuesday night Bremerton? Not Bremerton but the one close to us. It was close to Seattle was like a shitty neighborhood where Carol my girlfriend used to dance. Tacoma? Not Tacoma. It was north.

It was north like 15 minutes and there was a club. Everett? Everett around there. Yeah. The guy didn't want us to be dirty. He would say please don't be dirty. He was like a foreigner like an Arab or something. Please do not be dirty at my club.

Rita O was dirty and he threw Rita O out. So I convinced Rita O to go home and call President Clinton at the time. And she fucking went home and called the White House, all coked up, and called the fucking president, left a message. That's how fucking crazy Rita O was.

You could do that. You could leave a message at the White House. Yeah, she left a message for the fucking president that night saying that there's they won't let a transvestite be dirty up on stage in Seattle. Please call it back. This needs to get taken care of. That's when I realized how crazy Rita O was.

And that was before cell phones. She actually had to go to a payphone and do it. No, she had to go home and do it. She actually went home and called the White House. That was fucking crazy. Yeah. There were some crazy times up there in Seattle. You're right.

like how that was a great time to grow. Seattle was a great town for that, good mid-sized market, especially if you're just going to start doing comedy. I don't know how the scene is now, but back in the 90s, the mid-90s, Seattle was a great, yeah, it was a great scene. It was crazy because if I worked really, really hard in Denver,

I would get on stage maybe 15 times a month, and that's working hard. That's driving to Cheyenne, Wyoming. That's getting on midnight. fucking open mics on the other side by the movie theater where the guy killed people, I forget the name of that town. Aurora. Aurora. We used to do

a midnight show once a month, at a fucking bar. It was horrible. And I moved to Seattle and I was doing 30 to 32, 33 sets a month. I still have my notebooks from Seattle, you know. There's no comedy in that. I just have the dates of all the shows I did. I was averaging

32 to 36 fucking shows in Seattle. You were a hustle. I would see it. You were a big hustler and put the time in and bringing that East Coast energy and this rock and roll. You know, bro.

Yeah, then you move down to L.A. Yeah, it's crazy because, and then you came about a year after. I started seeing you doing your fucking thing, and I was always very proud of you. Yeah, I came down at about 2000. And then we were on together the Best Damn Sports Show, and I would see you

once every other week whenever they were to write a sketch from me, me, you and Rich Williams. Exactly. You would crush it every time on Best Damn Sports Show. We were having a great time, you're having a great time, right? Live. Live. Live, yeah. We had some good times, man. You know, it's funny. Some kid hit me up the other day. Nice kid.

Justin Claudale. Nice kid. Just overcame Ball Canton. He hit me up, and he goes, I want to open for you in Columbus. And I was like, you know what? What gives you the fucking right? you know I see you fucking around on Facebook all the time I don't see you out there every night and I was mad about it because it's like these people are mistaken

doing jokes on Facebook for getting out there and one thing about me and Brody Stevens that I'll testify to it and Josh Wolf for that sake is that we're comics because we're comics we worked every fucking night Brody we did some wild shit up there in Seattle

there were some wild fucking rooms we did and I've done you know and these people are mistaken Facebook looking Twitter for doing work. You've got to get out there every fucking night if you're going to be a comic. That's the first thing on my mind is where I'm going to do a set. Everything else is background fucking music.

And I know Brody's out there working every fucking night, so. Yeah, I'm out there pretty much every night. You know, you've got to have some quiet time. You've got to have, you know, I'm going to be able to reflect. But if you're going to tweet, do it in the afternoon, you know, what I'm saying, like, you know, but it doesn't replace stage time.

No, stage time. States time is everything. You've got to get up on stage. It's everything. It's everything. What do you got planned the next 30, 60 days? What are your eminent goals here in front of you, brother? I've got San Francisco Comedy Festival doing that, the Sketch Fest at the end of the month.

I'll be on Chelsea lately again on the 31st of January. In February, I've got to go to Phoenix with Steve Renazizi. early part of February. We're going to do Phoenix for the weekend. So I'm getting out there, Joey. You know, I got Columbus on the 19th. Yeah, and that's at Woodlands Tavern, Brody. I forget the name of the town.

It's called Woodlands Tavern. It's at Woodlands Tower. 1,200 West, Third Ave. And they get the tickets on Brown Paper? Brown paper. It doesn't say this on the Facebook thing, but probably, yeah. And they said you can call Static Dog Entertainment 1-800-287-3149. And get your tickets now.

Go see my man Brody Stevens and a little Esther, that sexy little fucking cute thing from Chicago. And Brody, I've been wanting to have you on on Monday for a long time because you're captain positiveness. Tell these people what they have to do today for it to be a fucking great day. Tell these cocksuckers. You got to drink your coffee. You got to smoke a little pot. You got to get the blood flowing. You got to do a little stretching.

You got to write some jokes. You've got to, like, call your family. You've got to check in. You've got to feel the sunshine. And at night, you've got to eat well, too, during the day. You've got to make sure you have a good breakfast, a decent lunch. And then at night, if you're a comedian, get out there on stage. Be around comedians.

Write those jokes. Network. Put the energy out. Get home, get some rest. Do it all over again. Yes. I love you. Where are these people?

Brody's my first. friend on Twitter. Follow Brody. Brody, I'm going to have you on here two weeks again on a Monday to let these people know about the woodlands and what's going on. I love you, buddy. Thank you. Thank you for always being a friend and a brother to me, man. All right. Stay black.

You got it. All right, you filthy cock suckers out there. Thank you for another fun-filled podcast. I'm sorry about Duke Rufus not getting through. Again, go to onit.com. Purchase your three-pack. Purchase the fucking shroom tech, the immune, the flu's hitting big.

It's everywhere except for two states. Get out there. Shut your immune system down. You don't want this fucking flu. You ain't got 10 days to be on your fucking ass. Not in today's world. Number two, this Thursday I'll be at the Irvine Improv. Tickets are still available.

It's going to be a fucking party. I'm going to have Yoshi down there. I might even bring a loaf of banana bread down there. Next Friday, January 25th on my flap was two shows, 8 and 10. Get down that. Again's going to be a great fucking show. And then February 7 just announced I'm at the San Jose Improv.

Get your tickets now. I will not be in Vegas with Joe. I'll be at the Columbus Funny Bone, February 1st and 2nd. I love you, motherfuckers. What's up, Lee? Nothing. What do you got from me? I love Brody.

And for people who haven't, we briefly talked about it, he had an HBO Go series. Yes. That's fucking amazing. I loved it. I loved it. I love Brody Stevens. I don't know what the fucking people killing me for. But that's it.

It's a great day to be alive. It's Monday. Like I said, go to On It. I got those dates. Testicle Testament gets released on the 24th. How I got into comedy for $1.99. And I'll tell you the pain I went through in the anguish, because it's not easy. But it's there for you.

What do you got for me, Lee? I got a rapture. Oh, shit. Play it on for these motherfuckers. Have a great day. Go out there. Show the world your balls. Tell them you're a bad motherfucker.

Lisa Ayat. Throw him a kiss. The flying Jew. I love you, cock suckers. T-shirts. emails at joey koko diaz. We're getting some more shirts on there. J.R's working. We've got a long sleeve and a holly coming,

a church of what's happening now with the Jews' face on it. That's it. Hit it, Lee. Everybody's slide. DJ spinning. I said, my, my. Flash is fast, flashes cool, front, swas, bar, flush and a do. And you don't stop.

Shoots. Go out to the parking lot, and you get in your car and drive real far. And you drive all night, and then you see a light. And it comes right down and lands on the car. round and