The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 01/23/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #49

Episode Date: January 25, 2013

Recorded live at Nerdist studios, so the sound is a little different. Joey's old friends Jody Ferdig and Dante join us in studio. Joey;s other friend Carlos from North Bergen calls up to talk about being a father.  This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount.

Fuck it. Hell yeah. Buster. Where the fuck you at? Gapel. So I know you got your gotcha. Ducon'all. The hood you threw up with, niggas you grew up with.

Don't even respect your ass. That's why it's time for the doctor. The church of what's happening now. We're here to hear live from Nerdy Studios. Dante. Get off the fucking folks. I got my man to flying Jew. I got my special guest fucking Dante with the Efri Zimba Jr.

fucking God. I need this shit to fucking studio. I thought he was an FBI agent. It's great to be here. It's Wednesday. We usually do this in the mornings, but today, since we're at NERN, this is our first one. We're right here in the back in the fucking church. Look at us.

We already smoked dope. Today we eat some banana bread. We're already in hell and I was fucking hungry. How are you guys doing today? I hope everybody's beautiful. You're at home. You're chilling. As usual, as always, is what I meant to say.

This, the fuck you left. This podcast is brought to you by the people. Ony, go to Honit.com and check out their products. They got some great shit. I went to kickboxing Monday night, and I went Tuesday night. Am I saw it today? Am I walking around? Fuck no.

And one night was with the Korea. One guy was with the Thai guy, Kralanki, and the other night was with Coach fucking David and their boat savages. I walked in like a fucking nothing. Nothing. I just walked in. You know why?

Because I took two fucking strong bones. And I had my hemp pow of fucking protein. That's how I rolled. Now the Jew, he don't want to take no fucking protein. Fuck him. Me never offered me any post I got out the house to you never wanted him kogs second anyway it's a beautiful day to be alive We're here what's happening Don Sleazy

Hey man, it's your world. I'm just a squirrel me and Don Sleazy go back about 15 years. I figured I have a money This is my old neighbor here. This is a lot of people don't fucking know this is sunset between Sierra Bonita and Gardner and Curzon when I first moved to LA from Seattle I live with Doug Stample on Curzon Mitch Headberg and And Nick DiPaolo lived on Sierra motherfucking Bonita. And Ralphie Mae lived on Curzon. And Josh Wolfe from fucking lately, Chelsea lately, that's how strong we had in this neighborhood. And there were still hookers here.

There was still crack holes here. El Compadre, the best. Listen, the margaritas are men's amends a mess. You can make better margaritas of the house. But the cocaine there is on fire. You understand me? The waiters bring it here. They got the guitar.

I've seen more shit on this fucking street here than, I used to live here when the burger place with the year. The sunset grill. You know that song, The Eagles Down at the Sun. Fuck that shit. And now it's still there. But I was there when the white dude was still there with the wood leg that he made fucking cheeseburgers with a wooden fucking stump.

You had to see this motherfucker move with no blow. Straight up, G. He had two little Mexican chicks with him, I swear to God. Now it's all redone. And it's got a second floor and all that shit. Oh, shit. Have you gone there lately? It's not bad.

I see it got upstairs, man. They got an upstairs. They do an open mic there. Let me tell you what those guys used to have that. They used to have a tremendous fucking egg and cheese breakfast sandwich, like old school, Philadelphia, Jersey, New York City style. And I used to see the boyfriend there from Buffy the Vampire Slare. No shit.

That's right. See, that's what you learn when you watch the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. Play a little music from. Where you been? Where you been? He comes up with this, look at him with his fucking iPad. He's got $3.

People like me, I got the computer. that leave it at fucking home this guy's got 19 gadgets he's got the phone the iPad the iPod the I fucking helmet

that's next for retar the kids are gonna have an ipfucking helmet so they're gonna fuck Jerry and his telephone for reality I want to give this to you for 20 minutes and see what happened

you wouldn't I think it'd go off you're playing with an iPad I don't know I don't know I'm on the same thing I don't have a computer in front of me do you see what I got to deal with people this is the

You're the producer of the church in the church. What's happening now? Disrespecting fucking flavor here. Stop sleeping. What's track? How actually? What's been doing? What's the hell have you been doing with your life for the last 15 years?

Jody Ferning, come on through. Come on through. Talk about the last 15 days. What you've been doing the last 15 days? Oh man. Just putting it together. You know, this Hollywood game will swallow you up if you're not careful. That's right.

You got to have more than one hustle. If you don't got that, you might as well go home. You got to do what you got to do. Hollywood's crazy. I'm glad he told me not to move here, man. This traffic is fucking bananas. It's fucking crazy. And you don't notice it when you're here.

When you hear, you're like, I accept this because this is my fate. But once you get out of here for a few days, you're like, I don't know if I want to come back here. When I wake up in the morning, when I take that fucking sleep back in the morning, that's the first thing I think about it is. I'm going to pee in that bathroom. I'm like, I don't have to go to fucking Hollywood today. Do I? always there's always and there's always something in Hollywood today this is the only

happen in fucking Hollywood I cut down and I go down straight like doing 90 you know me right off fucking Laurel Canyon cutting motherfuckers off fuck that left into da nah nah nah I go straight across McDonald's and then I make the left at the bottom of that so I came up a block too quick there's three cars you're looking beautiful today jelly friend you look at there's three car they look there's three cars right there and they're backed up and it's normal fucking people who don't know better they're just accepting it right I know this is Hollywood so I know this has got to be some creepy fucking situation why sure enough is I get closer it's a

couple making up no it's not yes I was making out and holding people back like then now two things me I'm a player from the Himalaya way before this shit if you're gonna stop traffic at least finger bang the fuck stick that finger deep in that fucking crank and at least work that fucking arm so when I go by I beeper and say I love it you fucking savage but you're stopping traffic to play spit fucking talk to her about new girl or some fucking shell two broke girls I fucking stab you little fucking faggot motherfucker with his little skateboard in the car listening to that fucking whatever the fuck don't get me excited he I'm saying

every time you come to fucking Hollywood there is a something some shit there's traffic three o'clock there's fucking traffic already so that's it but I know Dante was from the Martel cartel forget it we got stories that'll make your fucking head blow up this shit. Oh yeah. And when Jody Ferdig is here, my other princess, say hello, Jody Ferdt. Hello. Get in here, get in here, get in here,

let's see the boots, say you're off camera, sitting between the flying Jew, sitting between the flying Jew, this is a complete different type podcast today. Oh, shit. We're making this happen straight up today. Jody Ferdig is a comedian I've known for years. It's funny because her and I spoke last night, and she

was a little nervous, and she was saying to me how you know she just wanted to come and observe what was going on and I yelled like you know we've been doing this for 20 years we've been doing comedy together for a long time and she was saying that you were looking through a box of your receipts and you found an old paste up for a show we had done but here's where it gets complicated this fucking morning the first call I get it 10.01 is from my agent he goes can I ask you a question what are your feelings of doing a show and Bend-Darion and Eugene Oregon just this morning there's a The 500 seat theaters.

So tell them the story about you. You're not going to remember the whole thing and I'll help you out. So tell them about Eugene Oregon. This is tremendous comedy story. That was Salem, Oregon. Salem, Oregon. Salem, Oregon.

Oh, my God. How long you think we're in the car? For about 30. 30 fucking hours before we got to sell. This was a six-week comedy tour. For people who want to learn about comedy, you just cannot be a hobbyist. There's a point in your life and you go,

you know what? I'm not improving as fast as I want to. So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to devote my life for this for a year. And for that year, you live under, you know, conditions that you would never live, but you do it all for the name of comedy. And I talked this poor girl into going on the road. In my 1996 Saturday, Joe Diaz filled a whole fucking silence.

Remember I was gently my sister, medicine food? I go, don't give him anything crunchy. Like, no fucking sunflower seeds because he was chewing. It would just come flying out of him up. So remember you were like, like, what's all this fruit? And, like, gave him fruit, edibles, apple sauce. We went on a very intense road trip.

And it's funny because it started in Boise, Idaho. It started like in Idaho somewhere. Started in Texas. No, yeah, we left from Texas. But we drove to Idaho. We drove to a Wednesday night. We left Texas on a Monday night. And we got to Idaho at like Wednesday.

Tribal runs in those days. Well, Wednesdays through Saturday. This is how fucked up this was. and we were on a car for two days. Over two days it was great. We just talked and we smoked pot. We pulled over and drank coffee and we smoked cigarettes. That was the honeymoon part of that show.

And I farted. Yeah, it was tremendous. All he would do was fart. It was the whole time. But then we get to this first show in Idaho, and I'll never fucking forget this. So I was very hooked on drugs at the time. I mean, just, it was my life.

When you're a comic and you're on the road, this is what you do. You drink, you snort, and whatever else comes your way. and while Jody's on stage featuring, I'm talking to the door chick. Now, for starters, this is a bar in Idaho that didn't have a door guy. It had a door chick.

Oh, Jesus. You don't even remember this. She came back to the hotel with us because she got a shit. No, I do remember that. Listen to this. Yeah, I remember that. This is at the thing.

So I come in and I go, oh, this is a great club for what we thought it was like a suburb of Boise. It wasn't Boise. It was a suburb. but boys it was snowing too it was snowing like a motherfucker that's what happens in January that's when the tour started the tour started around this time because we were out on the road

the whole month of February so we're at this place Jody's on stage and I'm like this is great I go the food is great we were just excited to be on the road you know and all of a sudden she goes now in the middle of my addiction I'm in Idaho so I'm not thinking about dick I'm thinking about I may get some weed

I may get some weed and in the middle of this I just throw out there you know I'm looking for some weed and she goes you know you came to the right person I get you anything you want and I look at this bitch and I go what do you mean anything and she goes crack coke heroin I mean whatever so I again I just draw it out there an eight ball she goes I I have it here and out and it was like I think I got paid two 50 for the night for headlining the eight ball was 180 and the weed was 40 bucks and I was broke I had a bar like 20 bucks and Jody for beer or something but I remember

She went back. Now, this is Boise Idaho. This bitch comes back. And I go, you know, and usually when somebody brings you blowback, you go, can I give you $20? Can I give you? She goes, I want a shot. So I go, a shot. And I'm thinking, you know, come on, let's do a bump.

She goes, no, no, no, no. Can I take something to shoot in the car? This is how crazy this is. You can shoot Kope? Yeah, Boise, fucking Idaho. Oh, shit. So this is, and then me and Jody party for a little while with the girl. Jody says she's tired.

I'm like, yeah, I'm tired. I'm gonna go back and fucking go to bed and save the two grands for tomorrow. I stayed up and did the whole two G-boes and called the girl again in the fucking morning. Of course he did. But Boise, this is like a suburb or Boise, Idaho. I'm thinking if I could find a joint, I would jump up and fucking down for hours. But no, I found an eight ball and a bag of weed and a chick that wanted to shoot blow. Who's better than fucking me?

The front door mule. That's what you find. That's right. That was fucking craziness. But that was how the tour started. And we went all through Boise and all through Oregon, and we ended up going through North Dakota and Minneapolis. Oh, Minneapolis.

We went all the way to Fair Lawn, Indiana, which was St. Louis, Missouri. We ended up the tour in St. Louis, Missouri, it's now a funny bone. You found the guy's business car. We ended up the tour there, and then we caught this other week of work. somewhere and we had a shoot Miami. Miami. This was the worst fucking, I mean, just, what? Who? So we ended up in fucking Milwaukee at this haunted house that we had to stay on the couch

and the couch was fucking yellow and my room had a waterbed and her room was missing a window and the fucking tub was black. Oh! And the owner of the club was a gangbanger, a biker. Hell's Angel or some shit. Oh, that couch was incredible. He just had a stroke the guy. It was disgusting of sperm.

It was like sperm and ass wax, and they rubbed it in together with their fingers on the couch. She had that yellow, creamish tent, this place. And I remember going into the condo, and she was passed out in the car, going into the condo and looking at this. And I had to go back out there and break the news to her that we were going to stay here. And I remember going to go, I'm not going to wake up. I'm just going to pick her up and put her on the chair and let her wake up in this fucking haunted mansion of debt. And I remember going, what? Like, this was comedy.

This was rough-net comedy. It still is this. This is how you start the county game. It ain't fucking airplanes and, you know, hanging out with Mick Jag in a green room. This is it. Buy and blow from a door chick that's going to shoot it. You follow me? This is it.

Now, we used to wake at the hotel until the maid left to clean, fucking bust in to an empty room, take a shower, run back to the car and drive to... It's so glamorous. This is fucking crazy. You know, this is like, we got one room one night where we had separate rooms. in Oregon and there was a Super Bowl. We ended up getting a second room who was so fucking happy because for

one night you had your own space. Like that's how crazy it was. When you go on the road on the triple one when you learn comedy, you give up your privacy. There's sometimes you get to a comedy show and they're like, you're sharing a room with some fucking black dude from Sacramento, you don't know. And you're in there, he's

scratching his toes, viking his shit, talking to his hose and you're trying to read the Bible. You know, whatever the fuck you're into, whatever the fuck that is that you're you're into. So now we have to go back from Milwaukee to the West Coast to do one more week. This is the fifth week out. So this is the sixth week. We do four more nights. It starts to bend and it goes somewhere else and it goes to Eugene and then Salem. Salem is a Saturday night gig. We're going to spend the night and Sunday morning we're going to fucking leave. Okay.

Here's Jody Ferdy with tight little fucking jeans on, a little blouse. Titties are banging, red hair in Oregon with a tans. He wasn't pale then. You know, This is before Twilight came out. So we walk into this hotel. We were fighting too. And we were fighting. This is six weeks in a fucking car, bro. This is reality.

You're going to hate your fucking mother. Six weeks in a car, like this. And then when we left, we had an hour to shower and we were together again. Then it was a show. And then, you know, and it was, I mean, tell her. There was times you did a show till midnight. You got to go back to your room because you had to be in the car by six. Or just, not even go back to your room.

Just getting the car. Get the fucking car. car you got to drive 12 hours and let's pretend her paycheck was 175 what are you talking about and mine was 250 she got 50 this guy is so cheap he would give you half your pay and then mail you the rest of your check and the fucking mail so for you guys who want to learn about comedy this is comedy before the fucking great depression which is 2013 go ahead so before you give up your day job think about these things but this is what makes comedy comedy

At the end of all this, we walk into this hotel, and I don't want nobody to take this wrong. You know, it's going to sound fucked up, but it's not what you think. We walk into a convention, but it's not a plumbing convention. It's not a fucking sex convention. It's not the AVN.

It's a convention for, hit it. I should be... No, what was the name of the organization? Just say to the organization. It was the Special Olympics convention. No, it wasn't. No, I'm not kidding. Why can't?

You cannot write this type of shit, ladies and gentlemen. Retarded kids, run around. Let's pretend we say mentally challenged. I have a child, she's not retarded, but the father's fucking retarded. So my feelings get hurt. Let's pretend they're mentally challenged. We walk in and we see a kid at the desk with a fucking balloon. No matter how much, no matter how much you hate somebody,

when you walk in and you're surrounded by 200 mentally challenged, you automatically have a bond. Oh, we crack. We were like, are you, what? Are you kidding? But half of me was like, this could be good. As a comedian, this is what you live for. You either do this or you get a nine to five.

This is why you live. This is what makes it possible. That you're surrounded by, what's the word? Mentally challenged children. With balloons. They all had balloons. They were running around. Now, to make it more interesting,

Jody says, I'm going to go upstairs and wash my monkey because my dad's coming. He's taking us out for dinner. Now, her dad is no fucking Christian at the time. He comes down, takes us out to like a red, lobster at some place we have a great dinner we're cracking jokes we're drinking with telling stories no first he came in to meet us in the hotel lobby but we didn't see the tarts I don't think we've seen none of them no we did

he goes who the fuck's on ass washing duty and I was like oh yeah something like was weird so right there were like don't worry about nothing bad so we go eat and we had such a good time at dinner that our mind was taking off that so we walked to the side entrance into the hotel where banquets are yeah and they're having their yearly fucking dance. You cannot write this. You understand me? This is their blowout. This is what mentally challenged kids live all year for.

This night. Fuck Christmas. That's what the phrase, dance like the zoo. Remember, take them to the zoo. Remember, Rocky? When he told Rocky that take him to the zoo, retards like the zoo? This is way before all that. This is day, and they're all dancing.

And I remember that they had balloons. Okay, so now me and Jody, we don't say a fucking word. They're all around us, everywhere, fucking everywhere. We walk to the gig. Hi, I'm Jug Deez, this is Jody Freddie. Oh my God, great. We walk in for the side door.

Jody goes on stage. Is it for them? No, no, no. It's for people from sailing. Remember they thought I was Laura Ingalls and I had to sign a couple autographs? Oh, my God, this is classic shit. They were calling me Half Pine, the chick from a little house on the prairie.

They thought that I was Laura Engled and I just thought it was. So we go in there, we do the show. And all of some of these towns, this is. it. Guys, this is it. Once the comedy show ends, it becomes disco inferno. And this is it. The whole town is there. It's either Louise or fucking the Ramada off the five. That's it. This is their life. People dress up all week to go there. You talk to people on Mondays like I went to VIP Vegas and we had VIP take. No, this is their fucking big night. The Salem, Ramada, and following two comedians. And the next door surrounded by mentally challenged fucking children, which I felt bad for

customers because they're walking into this too so now the comedy show ends they put music on boogie o giggy everybody's dancing jody's got a couple cocktails in it she's on there shaking that cute little fucking ass and who comes stumbling up but one of the kids that walked out of the fucking convention for the momos right now at the door there's two big black guys that make dante look like a fucking midget and they were offensive linemen for the university of oregon this is how this is how they pay the football play on there pick up 3 000 but just work you know it's just a comedy show or some white chick get your dick suck little did they not know it was a retar convention either okay they're done they can do a

thousand fucking steroids now there's one kid comes walking with his little Superman t-shirt you know he's thinking about roller skates and ice cubes so they'll fuck they think about and he looks in and he sees joey's ass and he just stops his whole world stop and he's seeing these girls he's like oh ye ye yee yeah and finally like the football players I don't know. They're two brothers. They're like, do what you do. Play it. Handle it. And he goes up and Jody's dancing with the girl. This guy gets behind Jody.

And he becomes, what's the dude? What's the dude? Jango. What's the old? What's the fucking, God damn. What's the black dude in Pope Fiction? Oh, Samuel Jackson. Who did he play in Jungle Love? Jungle Fever. He played the cousin that did the dance.

The Gator. Gator. He became Gator. doing the gator dance next to Jody Ferdy again the other girl and he's working and finally Jody's laughing she's a sweetheart she's giggling and she says come on get in the circle with us and he's looking now he saw the ass for 10 minutes and that took him to another man now he's looking at the tities and they're bouncing this cleavage and retorto is going fucking nuts he's going fucking nuts and you can see him he's got climbing shit he's turning all black and shit on him he's shaking

his show you know right before they kill your roots they were shake their shoulders and the spirit goes inside of shit. I mean, he had the flavor of cock and he was getting Jody. He didn't give a fuck how he was going to do it. He had heard about this in a little tart school how they got pushing and shit. But this was it tonight. They were going to get hers. And he starts getting a little physical with Jody and dancing a little tough with Jody.

And finally, something happened when the doorman comes. They figured out that he escaped. No, no, no. But before that, way before that, The two doorman are like, what the fuck's going on here? So he takes a little retardo outside. Now, little retardo sitting on there with his face is upside down, frowned from out of time. You know what I'm saying?

And he's ready to shoot himself. But his fucking prey is in there. You know those videos that you see? The zebra is about to get the mongoose. This was it. This motherfucker was those tinnies belonged to him. Tardo was going home with a tit to put on his fucking wall. He's going to go with milk dripping on his chin and everything.

This motherfucker starts charging at him at the football players. This is two fucking guards, dog. They couldn't handle him. He was spinning. He was swimming, pushing, biting, grabbing. They had more black, they were blowing whistles. What's a little black dude's name, blow the whistle? Beep, peep, peat.

He showed up. Four more brothers. This guy was going around him, like Lawrence Taylor in fucking 87. four black dudes tackles and this kid was 12 fucking that world up swimming pushing finally the guards come with the whistle like like fucking one floor of the cuckus nest they're like there you are and he's and they're shooting them with sedatives and this motherfucker's trying to say titty titty but he can't dog the poor kid god help me god help me for making fun of a horny retardant oh that'll go down in the books

I was convinced you scam, the one was convinced you walked out with like $5,000 in like a check or something. Who? You? No, you can't do that to those people. I robbed a jar one time. One time at a Carvel and Fort Lee to have like a 20 in a jar, and I was like 11 out of bag, and I hope. I wish I was lying to you people at home. I really didn't do this one Sunday.

I never forgave myself. I always put in those jars double down because I went to a Carvel. And listen, they're a fucking scam too. Those jars are a fucking scam too They just take a picture of a black kid sweating And they put out the fucking thing And give to my nephew And you put a dollar in it

And there's some guy at the bar going Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Call me with another G-bo Yeah these idiots keep putting a jar Half those, first of all All those charities It's 20% 70% goes to administrative fees

What do you think those administrative fees are A 7 series So before you fucking donate next time And all these fucking Sandys And all these shit that happens What do you find out a year later? They're not getting their money. What's all this money going to?

Oaten John and the other people sang for an hour and jumped up and down the Massachusetts World Guard. Got $100 and fucking $50 million. How much of that money do you think they'll really get those vixens of Sandy? Didn't fucking... What's his name? Uriah Heep.

What's his name? The Fugees. Didn't he take Haiti's fucking money? And he's Haitian. He's fucking Haitian and he took the fucking money. Okay? Because, really?

All you dummies are going to send in millions of fucking dollars? So people you don't know, they'll tempt anybody. Look at the mayor in fucking Louisiana. He got invited the other day. He got indicted for taking kickbacks. It's just common greed. You get all this, you go on YouTube and say,

I got a sister who's missing a foot. You'll get $1,000 on YouTube, on fucking on Twitter. Go on Twitter and say, I got a sister with a missing toe and she wants to be a professional fucking kickboxing. You get even allowed for shorts and free lessons. You know, can you imagine? Yeah, dog. Yeah, can you fucking imagine?

So the next time before you donate, think about that. That if you send $20, they're getting like six fucking dollars. You're better off flying to Jersey and just giving somebody 500 fucking bucks. That's what you're better. I mean, that's how I feel. If I'm wrong, maybe I'm wrong, you know? And I'll try to get, like, I'll give blood to Blue Cross, but they were at the YMCA on Saturday, but I had this banana bread blood in me.

You don't want to give nobody no banana bread blood. What happens is that Momo would have got the Jody's tits. He would have bitter. He would have got like chlamydia from Jody or something like that. He would have needed a fucking blood transfusion. And he was getting that fucking banana bread blood transfusion. He would have been all momowed up for years. Lee, you've been quiet today, cossucker.

You gave me the banana bread. That's why I gave you the fucking. That's right, people. We had to bust out the banana bread again. I had to give it out. But I know you got to take piss tests. I got to take drug tests, so I'm out. You have to take drug tests in Hollywood?

In Hollywood? In Hollywood? No one. It's drunk up here. It's fucking crazy. She's on the straight and narrow. There's my girl. We've snorted half of Bolivia together.

In fact, she's still waiting for me to bring that gram. I was going to bring her over when I left that night. I'm going to get your cigarettes and a gram. I'll be right back. Oh, you used to hide grams all over the apartment. I used to hide Coke in the house because I couldn't take it to my house. And I'd be like, what are you doing? come over and he would like just search in just I was like why are you in the linen

closet like where I would hide in her fucking little up top because people don't look for coke in their house no never do nobody looks for coke I couldn't reach that high yeah you could write up on my head wouldn't you be paranoid like anytime I hide something or like I leave something somewhere like shit that's gonna be be gone like wouldn't you be over there in 20 minutes like is it there okay it's there no it's at her house it's like me listen let's got to go to your house to do a podcast right and I had ten million dollars under your sink you don't even know it's in there. I'm gonna tape it up good. I'm gonna tell you I'm taking this shit.

A Jew always knows when there's 10 million. No. They're not this type of Jews. I know you Jews. You know, you don't even like fucking no. I don't even like 10 million dollars? Yeah, you're a fucking Jew. You love paper. Exactly. What's what I'm saying? I would know how it smells. You gotta see him when you put the OJs for the love of money on. He gets all black. He throws the sole train line by himself and shit.

Money, money, what? Money. Ha ha ha ha ha. We're here, bitches. The church. or what's happening now the flying jew jody ferdick dante whatever his fucking name is you don't need to know so you guys tell a story you you set it up but like is there a story like how did you guys meet who dante you and dante how do we meet dante tell him the fucking story i don't know who introduced us white lightning white lightning for the jewish kid that thinks he's black he's jamaican you know the black dude from fucking true romance brad pitt this is who brad Pips stole the character from.

Yeah, he's a Jamaican dude that used to sell weed over here. And he used to hide weed in the garage and everybody robbed them in the building. It was tremendous. You take turns rob him. Everybody, the black chick used to rob him. His girlfriend used to rob him. Then he used to get so paranoid. He used to hide the weed from his girlfriend.

And he used to hide in his girlfriend's friend's apartment. And the girlfriend's friend used to fucking rob him. And then when I went over to the snort coke with the girl one night, she had like three chins. She had big tits and a long chin It was tough fucking. Nobody would have a fucker. People were like, well, way, I was dead until five.

Did you fuck a hell know? She had a long chin. But she used to have the weed, so she'd tell you, if you want weed, I'll sell it to you at discount prices. So everybody was robbing this poor fucking Jew. He was the dumbest fucking Jew with money I haven't met all my fucking life.

And that's all I got to say. And then he introduced us. And then I wasn't hanging with you. I knew more your cousins. I knew your cousin. Who's not really your cousin? What's his name? Lord.

No, then the other guy. Capri. Capri. That's what I said, man. But we have a mutual friend that I still see that's one of the funniest black characters of all time.

And if I could find him in the street, I would bring him. And I saw him. I see him. Budat was his name. Every time I go over to Dante's Lodat lived in the closet.

He lived in the fucking closet. And he would be proud of it. So when you were over there at night, having a conversation with Dante about four. in a mix of that the closet door would open under the stairway and he'd say fuck that shit the lakers are the best team in basketball and he'd go back into his little fucking closet he had like a little straight I swear to God dog yeah everything in

hey will you go in there he had his whole apartment set up in there it was like a fuck and you know what if the world ended right now and he had that little underground closet he would come out in the morning and the world would be gone and he would even be like he'd be like the fucking road warrior I went in there one that he had his feet up cutting his fucking fingernails. He had a light zoomed into his big toe. He had a little cot, a day thing, books, everything.

Fucking proportion. He fit just perfectly. He fit. And now he's like a superhero. Yo, on Hollywood Boulevard. He's the fucking Hulk on Hollywood Boulevard. Oh shit. I thought they were asking people for money or something. Like they would make people like give them tips

and like people got pissed off. Yeah, they've been bullying. And then they bought and then they got Beat up. Aquaman. Aquaman got beat up. Let me tell you. There's nothing worse than getting beat up. But getting beat up with a costume mine, that's got to be fucking humiliate.

There's nothing worse than seeing the chicks who are so fucking delusional. They think they look like Maryland Monroe. They look like a fucking, oh, it's just, oh, the worst. Like you don't own a mirror in your house, and what is that? These people are actually taking pictures with these people. Yeah. Do you think Marilyn Monroe looks like that?

Oh, no. You ever do anything like that? Like Joey, like Joey Diaz in a white dress. Like what? You ever dress up in a costume or do a kid's party or anything like that? I'm so uptight about dressing up. Really? I am so uptight about that.

Like, I was done with it when I was like 10 for Halloween. Like, I was done with all that stuff. Make up and done, done. I fucking hate. I don't know why. I was too uptight growing up. I just didn't like it after a while. Really?

I got to dress up in this fucking. The costume would always be ripped by the end of the fucking night anyway. Was surprising you never put a cape on or a mask or... I mean, I've had capes on different sexual situations. He has a constant cape off. You gotta wear a cape from time to time. The invisible cloak of... Nobody wears a cape no more.

Nobody knows the fucking class to the cape brings to your dinner. To your dinner. You show up with a fucking cape. People know you ain't fucking around. You talk to someone in a cape? Yes. I would never talk to someone in the cape. You look them straight and you don't focus on the cape.

But you know they got a cape on. You understand? You don't focus on. jucape or something that's right you got to that's right but see you have a cape see what these people don't know is we're working on our clothing line and the jukepe is gonna be a cape mixed with a yamika with a matching fucking yama tremendous you understand me you bust out that fucking outfit somewhere to a party on audition guess who's getting the part you not me on the cave you are

top sucker oh Jesus Christ so everything is good it's good to be here at a nerd the studio again this show brook you by omit. If you're trying to lose some wing, you're jumping up and down and your joints hurt, go to Honit.com, get the strong bone, go to the box, press in fucking checkout and press in church, and you get your 10% off plus a fucking a free gift. All right, do it today, it's important. You help us, you help on it, everybody's fucking happy. Awesome. And you drink your water, you go for a walk, just start by going to the mailbox. Everything

else works out. You follow me? Johnny Freddy, when are you going to come up and see the baby? I had that flu. I would never push my child on anybody. I put those pictures up on Facebook. I don't want to be one of those parents. I didn't want to talk about kids on the show because, you know, I was talking about mug and hookers two years ago.

I cannot fuck baby shit on here. But what I will talk about is with dear friends because you've known me since the apartment and you've known me since Jesus left Chicago. I know, right? And it really is completely different. Like, I've been only for two years. But when you see the kid and you sit there for an hour

and you look and you think of all the times we had. And you look and think of all the times we had because it happens to me and it's happening to me now going, first off, when she told me for the last nine months, I've been a complete different person because I was petrified. I thought my wife was going to die. She's 43. I didn't know what could happen.

Not even to mention that. I did drugs for 30 fucking years. God knows that kid was going to come out shaking. Looking out of window. I got to admit, I was really nervous, too. I was nervous, too. I was just, I was just, set a prayer. You have no fucking idea.

I ate 30 volumes in two days in Beaumont, Texas. Are you fucking kidding me at the age of fucking 40? That's got to affect you somewhere. And yes, I've been clean from all that shit for five years, but there's got to be some residue, something. It affected something. I always say this affects something. Nothing is free in this fucking world.

So I was always very scared. When you see this child, you're going to sit there and go, holy fuck. And I'm going to tell you something. And I know he's not going to call. Okay, this is the weirdest thing. For the last three months, I was really scared. And I got advice from different people.

Plus, I went online. I'm a line nerd. I will fucking, what's that doc vac thing? The MA, web doc, webmd. I live on webmd. They send me a Christmas card. WebBack. WebMD says me, I hit them up for everything.

My toe hurts, I hit them up. I get fungus on my ad. I hit them up. I hit them up, I take pictures. Oh shit. What's up, baby? Hey. How are you, my friend?

Can you hear me? I don't know if you're going to get the reception. I can hear you, I can hear you, my man. How are you? I'm doing good. Who's this on the... Tell the people who you are. Say hello. Who I am? I'm Juan Quintero. Juan Quintaro. Only known as Carlos Quintero. That's right. This guy is... This guy that's on the line is...

one of my dearest friends and I was just getting into the story Carlos how for the last nine months my head was somewhere else and I was worried about my wife and I was worried about failing as a father and I was just worried about all these things that I didn't want to feel this at 50 and the day before I had the kid you know I had read all these things and if you know anything about Carlos when my mother first died I grew up in Carlos's house uh Carlos had a younger brother deedie that they used to call the man child and me and him used to fucking terror I and terrorize motherfuckers and we go back to his house at two in the morning and we eat a quay lute and listen to led zeppelin and we wait to Carlos to come home he was our big brother

you know and uh i love Carlos and i never thought that the best advice i got on this whole thing was from you tell them what you're telling me Carlos well you know uh it's basically uh was just something that came very natural i mean obviously uh not at the beginning before i had my kids, but once I had them, I kind of understood, you know, there was a lot of changes that happened in your life. And, you know, when I sat down and finally started to understand what it all meant and took it all in, you know, I just, I just felt the need that someday that as somebody that I felt that I cared for, that I'd be able to share that with. And, you know, basically it's a process, you know, it's a process that, you know, the woman, woman goes through. And as long as you're there,

a big, you know, to be a big part of it, it just makes it so much more easier for, for your wife, you know, and basically just tried to make you aware of the things that I was nervous about and I was afraid of. And I wish I had somebody there, you know, to actually tell me, because I read it all in books, you know, I just read, it, kept reading, and reading. and still didn't prepare me for what I was, you know, too experienced. It's just nothing like it. So I just wanted to share it with you. No, you know, I took two things out of our conversation.

And one, you said, just be there and help your wife. Just help her with everything. And number two, you don't need to change diapers. You don't need to do anything. Just love that baby. Just love that baby. And all the pieces are fall into my life. play and after everything but I'm sorry well no I'm sorry I'm sorry I for cutting you off

go ahead after two weeks that's what it's been amazing that I thought I followed your advice to the T and I'm gonna tell you columns I'll still stab a motherfucker this didn't change me I'm not a Christian I'm not gonna change I'm still gonna be a dirty motherfucker who I am this just adds bullets to my gun because it makes me play for keeps all that's all this does it enhances my life plus when I hold her, you know, when I think about what you say, just love her. Like my wife always says, oh, she falls asleep better with you. Well, the true reason is because I'm a fat fuck, and I got warm titties,

and I put her head next to my heart. Don't take no fucking genius to put your kid to sleep, your fucking momos. But every woman watches the view and don't do this and don't do that. You tell your husband to eat those fucking Oreo cookies when you're pregnant and get those titty's bouncing, motherfucker. And but the truth is the love puts her to sleep. And I tell you, I didn't even love it until I talked to you. And if they saw you and we really sat here for hours and talked about our relationship,

they wouldn't believe that those words would come from a guy like you. Because you and I are very close with street guys, you know? Exactly. And that's exactly my point of actually sharing that with you is that, you know, everybody thinks, you know, if you're a big, bruiser and you're a big guy and that you know what that you're not supposed to show any sensitivity well you know why and i can tell those guys to go go can i say go fuck yourself absolutely well all right well that's what it comes down to because you know what listen um

everybody has a heart i don't give up but you know actually the you know what these big the bigger i know is the big the bigger and stronger that these guys are you know what the more lovable they actually are the more heart love that they actually we have most of them. You know, you get those few guys that don't want to show it, I think that that's really being a man, well, you know, a lot that's not being a man. Because being a true man is if you make that commitment,

what you did, and, you know, you get that ultimate gift, which you have gotten, you know what? The best thing to do at that point is to just cherish the people that have made that possible, which is obviously, and your wife had to carry that baby for nine months. You know, once you see a woman, let me tell you, talk about respect for a woman. Once you see what they go through and the punishment that they take just to bear that child, let me tell you.

Now I understand the whole process of why a woman automatically has a bond with a child because it's just amazing feat. It's amazing to watch the whole process. And the father, you and me, no matter how you look at it. you've got to work for it, you know, and that's where the love comes in. And, you know, the touch and, you know, spend an hour on massage in your baby every day, you know, spend that time because you, you as a father, have to earn that bond. So, you know, the more you're involved with your child, the more you hugger, the more

your lover, the more your lover, you know what? That's all, you're paying into something that you're going to get 10, 15 years down the road. Because my kids, when they show back, I just know when they open up to me and they tell me things that, you know, thank God they tell me, I know that it's because of the time that I put in back then, you know, and I just wanted to share that with you because I want to make sure that every second of the day you understand that that's all it's going to take. Everything else is going to come natural from that, that, that attachment that you have. so you know it just brings you closer to your wife you know it lets you let's her know how much you care about her you know and and that's really what it comes out doesn't make you a big pussy or you know you don't have to give up who you are or change you are no you know what it's something

that happens with inside it just makes you a better person you know what it's just going to make you a better comedian or uh you know a better stand-up guy or a better actor a better husband a better father, it's going to make you a better human being. You know, it's just what it does to you. You know, it makes you feel a different thing. And I don't know. I can go on forever, you know. I mean, there's going to be so much,

you have so much to look forward to ahead of you right now. You know, I'm just happy for you. I just, I'm just glad I got to enjoy that moment with you. So, you know, that's basically where that comes down to. I love you, Carlos. We've been hanging out. for like 30 fucking years now. So if I'm going to take advice from somebody,

I'm going to take it from you, bro. And let me tell you, I couldn't be any prouder of a particular human being. You know what? Some people, just close to show you what kind of character you're built from,

and that's why you are who you are and why people like you. I'm sure, that's why people are attracted to theater because anybody, see, nobody can understand. I know you tell these stories to people and people are proud of some people probably say, yeah, right.

They have no idea of what you've been through and what you've, you know, what you've did to get to where you are. And, you know, why, if everybody, if everybody knew it, they'd feel exactly how I feel just as proud as I'm, you know, you couldn't be any proud of, you know, couldn't be any proud of to see somebody that didn't give up. That's what it's all about. And that's just going to make you, it's just going to make you a great person in life. So, you know, I just continue wishing your luck and, man, and you got, you'll always have my loan. that'll never go away. So, you know, I just, I can't actually just wait to,

to be able to fly out there and see, you know, see, you know, in person. So that's my next, my next thing, so. Soon, brother, I love you. I love you for calling today. I love you, too. I'll give you a call when I get home. Thank you very much for calling and for helping me out.

Absolutely. Anytime, man. I love you, and have a great, have a great evening. You too, bye. Yeah, man. He took me off a fucking ledge, but me and his brother used to be really, me and his brother used to be really tight growing up,

especially when my mother died. And him and his brother, they lived in a two-bedroom house. The mother, the grandmother, lived in one bedroom, and Carlos and him lived on a bed on the floor. And Carlos is very good-looking. He's a Cuban guy with dark complexion and big fucking blue eyes, and he was yoked.

So he'd always bring these girls home. And he'd take pictures of him, having sex and he'll be. he was 18 so we're like 15 and we're going over there and we thought we're cool shit we'd have like a bottle of Pupov vodka and P-O-P-O-P-O pop-ha right now a little bit of Poo-Pov pop up and we take a quail-lude and just hang and wait for Carlos to come home at three because we knew that if we stay in the room he'd always look at us and you know so what's it gonna take to get rid of you guys and we go a line

of coke a piece and he go I'm only gonna give you fucking one line But as he was giving us the line, he would tell us how we're going to get hooked on it. But you know how you have your mother takes you to different things? He would take us to wrestling matches and basketball games. This guy that just called, but he also took us on dates. So, like, if we were going on a date, like, that's how long I know this guy. Like, if Jody lived on 80th Street and I lived on 29th Street, I would go to his house at 3.30 and go, dog, I need to ride up to Jody Furthers tonight.

It's going down. And he'd go, what time he'd be? go up there eight o'clock and then on the way up while he was driving he talked to you about like you know what you're going to do right do you have condoms and protection you know you don't want to get a girl pregnant that's the type of guy he was so he always lived a little fucked up but then as i got older it was on he got this chick gabby she was sucking everybody's dick so he said fuck it i'm going to pimp this bitch out of my basement that's he got older he moved downstairs and took on the basement he was ripping this bitch out and selling weed i mean this guy's a mastermind

And then I heard he had to disappear for some shit, and I had to disappear. This is 1985. I'm living in Jersey, but I'm living out by Pennsylvania, and I'm in a fucking supermarket one day. And I look, and here's fucking Carlos. And he knew I was in trouble, and I knew he was in trouble. So he walked up to each other, like, what's up, Doug? And he's like, nothing. And he was, like, apprehensive.

And I'm like, Doug, I'm your brother. I'm not going to set you up. I'm here on the run, too. You know, and he goes, don't ever see him. Tell nobody you saw me. I never saw him again and somebody called me about three years ago

and told me Carlos no as a matter of fact I did a benefit and his brother showed up Didi and Didi's name was the Manchild Didi at the time that I hung out with that family

If I wouldn't have hung out I was surrounded by a lot of families But they were the only Cuban family That was I was tight with And their mentality was Cuban But Didi's mentality was Cuban meets caveman And this motherfucker

Was 15 and had the brain He was called Manchild You had the body of a man and the brain as a child. And there was these killers that went to school with, you know, I'm going to write a bit about this because it's true. See, now a person going to school with a gun and kill a bunch of kids. When I went to school, they were the dumb kids that sat in the back of the room and the teacher would tell them, listen, just sit in the back, watch my back,

and I'll give you a hazel. Just sit there in the back and read a book. And when you're 16, we'll send you to high school. You know? Just sweat it out. We'll send you up there. You can't hold you forever. You know what I'm saying?

Once you start driving the school, it's time. And these motherfuckers would guard you. These guys were crazy. What was I talking about? I forgot him so fucking. The kids are bad at the guys. You would have just come on for minutes. Just like keep talking anymore.

I don't fucking know. But Carlos, Didi, there was his kid Charlie Gizzy. Every time the plane went by, he would get up in the sixth grade and shoot the plane down. And he had a family. And they were white people with the crazy hair that looked like Charles Manson, the whole family. And they were dirty. and they had rickets. You know what I'm saying?

Those kids that had Dittwerp and they party and they listen to fucking... They listen to like Led Zeppelin music. At that age, it was overwhelming for me. Like these were fucking dirty white kids in North Bergen that would shoot planes down and the older brother

had killed somebody. Well, Dedy took two of the brothers out, fucked them up and brought daylight with his hands on five corners. I took them down to five corners. It really had five corners the way the streets are shaped. There was a bank, a pizza place,

a corner, a stereo, out in a bank which I robbed when I was 15. Not with a gun. My buddy was the manager and we gave my note. It's a long story. But I hung out with Dee Dee. These guys took me and they had a grandmother and a mother. And the mother was beautiful.

She was 60 at the time. She was banging. You could tell she was breaking hearts in Cuba. She used to cook every night chicken. And the deedy used to always go, why do you always give Coco the bigger piece of fucking chicken? That's how much his mom liked me after my mother died. So that's how long I've been running with these guys.

But one night me and Didi were up at this park, and we're drinking, we're having a good time, we're about 17. And these two girls from high school are walking, and they're talking to us, but there's a fence. And we're talking to them throughout the fence. And also this car pulls up with these fucking guerrillas, and they get out. And they start saying shit to us to start talking to the girls. And Didi says, fuck you, motherfuckers. Like, it's like these guys were men, and it's me and Dedy and two girls, and Dedy tells the guy that are men, he goes, fuck you. my boy, fuck, you're four up.

And I'm like, no, I... But you can't say that, that Didi would kill from me, on demand. At those times, I had two kids I ran with, Didi Kintaro, and this kid, Gavnik, Asadurian. He was Armenian. I didn't even know at the time. I said, Dore. I didn't even know he was a power lifter.

And he used to say, Quoko, anything. And him is brother that were both powerlifters, and what they did at night, they go out of the night and turn around Volkswagen. So if you parked your car going east, they would turn the fucking thing around and point it wet. out of your house they want to go what these kids are sophomores in high school that's how strong they were they were turning fucking cars around dog I'm telling me this is this is fuck though what was I talking about the stung up the ddhi meeting up banana bread

ddidi so these guys came out and me and dddy starts in one time it starts fucking the guy up I'll never forget I had a net fish net football shirt with the shoulder pads were covered remember those with this but inside is fish net so they couldn't so you could put your your shoulder pads underneath and shit like that. I had one of those on them. I was fighting two of them, and one of the guys pulled the shirt over me, and he kicked me in the fucking face.

And we're like, we're going to get you, motherfuckers. They're like, fuck, use both of these, get the fuck out of you. And we're walking up the corner because we didn't run for nobody. We're walking up the corner with our shirts ripped. And at the light is Dee-Dee, his brother, this kid, Ella, who was missing teeth at 20. He didn't have a teeth in his mouth. When you're 40, you got no teeth.

You got problems. When you're 20, you got no teeth. Fuck it. This motherfucker used to walk around with a hammer. You know those things that people wear for a hammer? Instead of a hammer, he put a bat in there. That's how crazy this guy was Irish. Did he tell me it? He had four brothers or something? They were all brothers. You had to fight. And the father went at me. One Thanksgiving with a knife. That's how I was drunk of you. Me and Darren Rago with a fucking knife. And they pulled over and like, what happened? Like, dog, these guys just fucked us up. They get in the fucking back. We went there. We surrounded these guys.

And we hit him with that fucking bat that he had. These guys were on the floor. And these two brothers. just like grab the bat. Coco, hit that fucking kill him. The bat. I don't have told this fucking story. They hit them with the fucking bat like 80 times. You're not leaving until you hit this. We had to hit this kid with the bat in the head.

There was blood everywhere. Fuck them. We just got in the calling left. That was it. And that dude that called tonight has been my dog for 30 fucking years. So put that in your pipe and fucking smoking. That's how we roll here at the church of what's happening now. Look at the fucking digs.

All we're missing is Jesus hanging upside down. And this motherfucker. And some white guy walking around with a cup looking for donations. We ain't looking for donations. Go to onit.com. Get your life together. Get that hemp protein. 16 grams of protein.

19 grams of fucking fiber. You understand me? So you put two bananas in there, two eggs, a couple of amino acid pills, some colligula juice to get your fucking helmet right. You blend that shit up. You'll have about 26, 27 grams of protein

and all your body is assimilate a sturdy for fucking meal. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? some novice. I may be a fat fuck, but underneath this is some muscle somewhere. You understand me? So get your shit together. I'm here with my favorite motherfucking black dude in the world. Don Sleazy, AKA, went to my wedding. Forget about it. Me and Don't think of old fucking stories and shit. Don't just sit there. Tell a story, cuck, sucker. There's a church of what's happening now. Tell him something. This one, you won't. I don't fucking know. Were you the guy who was stand up until one and you would drive back from like Sandy?

go like 45 minutes Look at Lysayat cracking funnies throwing Dante under the fucking bus All the way over the bus On national television and shit Oh my fucking God, it's good to see you man It's good to see Jody Freddy Thank you for having me

It's good to see you Jody Furdy and I was snorting the fucking blow one night over here And outside the window some fucking hook or we're sucking some guy's dick. What the hooker say, Jenny, Freddy? Ha ha ha ha ha. What the guy say right outside the window? The guy said, he said, I told you no teeth, right? He said, no fucking teeth. And he was screaming right outside my window and she goes,

Motherfucker, you're lucky in this neighborhood you found a bitch with no teeth. Now take the blow job and shut the fuck off. My God. We died. We used that building 1440. See, Ralphie fucked it up. Because Ralphie was supposed to take 40, 1440 to VH1.

1440 was this building where Ralphie Mae lived and Jody Furting and Gavin Boyd. I still live there. Celine and all these people lived there. And the second floor was Alcoholville. One of the best things I ever did there, I was talking in Gavin's apartment on the phone. I was smoking a cigarette.

I'm smoking this fucking cigarette, pacing back and forth, pace him back and forth. And I throw this cigarette out the fucking window. And I'm talking to Gavin on the couch. And I was like, ah, and I look out. And this fucking bum's got flames coming out of his blanket and the mattress. And he's stepping on it. And about that night I go out and I come back and you come back in your mind is somewhere else.

You forgot about the light, the guy you lit on fire earlier that day. Of course you do. And I walk and I see the bum with the mattress and he's asleep and he's got the blanket with a big fucking hole missing out of it. So his body was pretty much exposed from the fire. But the blanket just surrounded him. I mean, that fucking place had so many stories. The roof, people have the sex on the roof. I just met a kid that said he jumped off that roof.

Who was it? Ten years ago. I met him from Jersey, and he used to live, his girlfriend used to live in my building. Every time I'd see him, he'd say hello. And one day I said, he goes, you don't remember me, do you? And I go, not really. He was on the guy from Malcolm Padre. I jumped off the 1440 roof.

and I broke my leg or something like that. Well, what the fuck did you expect that thing going to happen? And he lived across the street from the fire department. There used to be a path back there. Me and Jody Ferdy would walk at 4 in the morning to go get cigarettes from 7-Eleven. They were all fucked up there. I mean, I know this neighborhood front and back. I used to walk this.

Side alley. There used to be a gas station. Remember on a cross-a-rom-roma. Now they sell tires and rims there. Yeah, yeah, that's my mechanic. That used to be a gas station there. His name is Rafi. and he used to be outside

so I would walk and sit by the gate in the morning as I'd wake up all broken shit and I'd sit by the gate and I'd wait till he'd go outside to get somebody gas and I'd go in I'd have a dollar for a soda and I'd get the soda and I'd put my hand and I'd take a pack of Marlborough lights

and I'd wait for him to come back in and I'd say my friend and he'd take the dollar for the soda with my friend each other to death and I'd walk out of there with his fucking cigarettes you follow me that was and then there used to be a denny's across the street from there

when we first moved it, it was a Denny's. That was a rad hole Denny. The Chinle, where Aroma is. I know. That used to be a fucking. That was a Hoanghout. The Denny's right there. Oh, that was, yeah.

That's when all the hookers. All the hookers. The hookers and the Pips? It was like a party going on in there. In fact, what's the movie that they, what was the name of that movie they made? The PIC movie, John Singer. What was the name he made?

Armed and Dangerous, the one that they interviewed the brother right here. where they used to fucking have now it's a oh my god now it's that whole labyrinth you can't even believe it they don't even have the the smoothie place there what was a place that sold the burgers where the pimps used to hang out and the hookers on sunset it's not there no more it's like a strip mall now nobody fucking remembers that right there in between lebraia and fair facts ladies and gentlemen there used to be a little fucking shack and when they did that movie about hookers and pimps they interviewed the brother that

flew down here and he said yeah and that motherfucker rolled up and he took my B team. He didn't know I had the A team on the way from San Francisco. Remember they interviewed him in front of the fucking burger chicken shop. Nobody fucking remembers what the hell I'm talking about. I got four motherfuckers that lived

American Pimp. What was the name of the movie? What was the name of the movie? American Pimp was the movie, right? The one with the brothers that made the, I'm not even saying it's black people. There were two fucking brothers that were actually brothers that made the fucking movie. The Smith brothers,

the black brothers, something fucking. What's that? Something. Remember and do the right thing when the dude goes by and he goes, who shot you? Who played water? There were brothers. I know they were brothers, but Moe and Joe, Moe and Joe, Black. The banana bread is kicking

cocksuckers. You're here. The church of what's happening now. Lee Syatt was going to go to work tonight until we gave the banana brother. He's about to call in sick. This cocks are I don't even know it yet you follow me but this M-piece must not be as strong because I'm high but I'm not as well oh it hasn't hit you it hasn't taken you over oh good it's about to hit you with the fucking wing any minute now you know I'm saying

it's gonna get you a little shot it's like Gloria Stephan in 87 the rhythm is gonna get you you don't fucking know what else what's on tap jody look at the slits in his eyes please don't get me yet he hasn't even he hasn't even smoked dope he doesn't know that I put value in this piece of fucking of uh of uh He's gonna be fucked up. You're gonna call him right now and tell him to get a replacement. No, I'm high, but we did it last Wednesday. And we could barely, we were just sitting at my desk.

Just we couldn't even move. What was it in the morning? But I only gave you a little piece. You gave me two piece. This was nothing compared. Last week I gave you half a fucking slab of that shit. I gave you a good stuff. He's trying to break it up in his hand like it's a Coke rock.

I'm like, eat that fucking shit. Kind of break it up, like I'm breaking it up so I don't taste it. I was trying to roll it into a wall so I could just like take it. Roll into a fucking ball. What was that going to do? It broke up. It wasn't like bread. Like you can like roll up.

It's like disintegrated. It's weed and chocolate chips. That's all it is. That's what it's supposed to be. What did you expect? Fucking peanut butter, tuna or something like that? No. It's a fucking edible of debt.

I get home at six in the morning and I don't expect to be getting high for 10 hours. And how did you feel? You felt good. I felt good. All right then. Did I talk I take care of you? Oh, you got high for fucking days on this shit.

People have had hallucinations. That's why we've chopped in a little day. But I really ate. I really ate a fucking bang bar today. He knows. You already ate a bang bar? I already ate a bang bar and a buck 80 at about 1 o'clock, though. After somebody getting my little shot today. Bam, I only got a bang bar. I took my wife to lunch with the baby. You can handle that shit.

Then everybody thinks they can eat the same amount of shit like you, and they look like there's like homeless people just passed out on the side of the street. I get fucked up. Like my sister's 7 o'clock, I will be. Fucked up. I don't know how you get shit done. Is you a fuck tough as you get? No nap today. You're going to take a nap today? No, I took a good night of sleep last night. I got home about 12. I went to bed at one. I was up at 8.

Tweeting, fucking talking. Swimming, going to yoga? No, I didn't do no that shit today, but I had a, I got up and they were asleep. And I said, perfect. This is my time to do some shit. So I went, I got the kitchen. Just as I'm getting ready to start. She comes in with the fucking kid. I had to clean the little boxes. I started to empty that shit. I started to feed the fucking cats. I had to take a shower. I wash my pussy take the garbage down I did all that shit with the kid with the iPod on see my wife doesn't know see I understand where I came from and I came from a society where I came from a Cuban house where there was no hours they don't care what time of this music will always be

turned on there's no whispering you know in my home there's no whispering they talk at whatever level a lino tell mea da pinga let him fucking wake up and he'll hear the conversation so I knew I was having this child when I come home and that my wife didn't sleep in the bedroom she's sleeping in the living room so when I would get home and that she talked to me I talked to it so that's two in the morning so I'm like this kid's gonna be a fucking nighttime kid you follow me you know you fucking know so I've been telling her just to accept it she wants to be gladiator she wants to fight fucking you know I'm saying it's not gonna pan out for you just let it run let it roll she let that come out and she's listening to fucking some

music for the kid I go no Watch this, I put on Hechtel Levo. You should have seen the fucking kid. Dropped! She had some fucking Hillbilly Joe music. The Mumford Brothers or stuff. I'm coming for you. But the kids don't want to hear that shit.

They're fucking two weeks old. I put Hecte Levoire on, the trumpets, the whole fucking thing. She couldn't believe it. She's like, well, you know Spanish. The kid don't fucking know Spanish. Don't blame on the fucking Spanish. Don't blame on the fucking Spanish. Because the kid knows.

It's got to play with its DNA is used to. You get, you know, the kid's Cuban. What are you going to give? You're going to give him fucking soy milk? No, give him coconut water. Watch that motherfucker dance. The church of what's happening now. The Flying Jew, Jody Fafo Ferdig.

Jody Furby, what else is going on? So you're good? The program's working for you? You know what? You're just working it. We're working it. You're doing one day at a time. I do one second at a time.

Whatever the pieces may fall. And when I fall off, I fucking bungee jump off. I don't do it like a normal person. But you know what? You get back on track. That's right. No, no, that's all you can do. What's going on with you, Dante Terrell?

What's happened? You're trying to get this. You did? Let that go, yeah. How long have you been not been drinking for? I came out of hand. Was this New Year's? I actually started before two years, but I kept falling off the wagon.

I started around Halloween. But then it was like official. July on January 1st. Very nice. I'm like, well, wait. I know. Where have I been? Hold on, something's missing.

So you started on Halloween or you stopped on Halloween? No, I stopped on Halloween. I was actually in Seattle. And my sister in Seattle, she's a bartender. So as soon as I get off the flight, her husband picks me up, it's a bottle of Crown Royal already opened in the car. He got somebody driving. He got somebody driving, he drinking in the car.

And, you know, tequila, vodka, just all the different stuff. I had to let it go. Like Crown Raw, that's like, Jen for Indians, Crown Roe with black people. Gin for Indian. That shit makes it go, fuck. You give a brother Crown Raw, you're telling us to that black dude from Friday. And when that smacks the dude, he's all cross-eyed and shit. Denzel, Drake Hell, what's his name?

Deepo. Debo. Debo. Debo. Yeah, I'll be slapping folks. Oh, my God. Yeah, but I'm kicking the actor career off. Picking it up off the ground.

I mean, you know, it's been like dirty clothes on my floor, just not doing nothing. But, you know, once I put the bottom down, you know, I'll have more time to focus on what's going on over here. It's going pretty good right now. Listen, it's easy. You got two choices. You could either drink a few nights a week,

keep on to respect yourself, keep a limit. limit, get up in the morning and do your business. You know it. Motherfuckers know whether they can walk. You know, when I was 21 and 23, every fucking night I said, this is the last time I do blow. And it was always the same shit. I'm going to go out for a but I'm not going to do blow. First beer, you're not going to do blow. Second B, you're not going to do blow. Third beer in a shot, I will blow a fucking monkey's asshole and lick it and stick my nose in it. By that time, you could talk me into anything. And I would do blow, but I knew this going in. If I could talk myself into three drinks, I'll do blow. I'll fight, I'll drink club soda till about one,

then I'll just fucking drink three drinks on one fucking shot. You were always good about not drinking too much booze. I didn't like it. I made up for the booze that you always gave up. I don't like drinking. I don't like that. I don't know how to fuck somebody could get a glass of wine and drink it. And that's it, that feeling. I don't like that straight feeling. When I was a kid, I always had to add to that feeling. I had to do acid or smoke 55 fucking joints or do a quailout but that just drinking six beers and just hanging out with somebody uh-uh that is horrible i feel empty just to pee that's it i drink beer to pee it don't do it my mother had a bar so when i was this age like my daughter's age now two weeks my mother had there was no

fucking grandma in this country my mother was by herself and my dad died so that bitch used to fucking take blackberry brandy with the pacify you do that shit just dipping in the blackberry brandy Between minutes, that's fucking, fuck Benadjo. Benadios for pussies, Jack. My kids drinking blackberry brandy. Fuck it. Old school. With a pack of potato chips, ruffing it and shit. Fuck it.

We're here at Nervis Studios, trying to make it happen on a Wednesday fucking afternoon. I know we don't have our usual fucking numbers. People don't even know we're doing this today. But I know you're putting remarks and people telling me to go fuck myself and Dante lives at the black guys from fucking roots. Whatever the fuck you're putting on there, Jody's sexy. Some guy wrote some nasty shit there about Jody wants to bang you and like your little pussy ass on fire.

Excellent. It's been a fucking while. Don't start with that shit, all right? Listen, I'm glad that you told her by my aunties. You're the only dirty, filthy animal. She's the only dirty animal that don't get dick but gets dick. I don't know how it happens. I don't know how this happens.

I don't know how you don't get dick, but you get dick. I never met a woman like this. Beautiful woman, don't get dick, but gets dick. I'm a special breed. And she doesn't count like dick for dick. Like if it's bad dick, she won't count. It was the last time you had none. What about that dude?

The dick was bad. Why? You want to remember that shit? You want to sweep it on the rug? He pre-came and shit. There was nothing there. It was disgusting, fucking. Anyway, let me give some the flying Jews here.

You better call into work, cock sucker. That red devil cake is just going to get stronger. I want to give a little fucking shout out to my man, Quintamemem Newsom, Stefan Lennon, Luca, Banana. Sully, Barry McFarland, Mano 262, Van Heben, Mr. Clark, you know, I love you, Cocksucker. Whiskey Jack and Chris Vegas Carrier. I love you, cocksucker. Thank you always for calling up here.

We talked about this. Don't forget this Friday night. Flappers, two shows, 8 and 10 o'clock. Don't forget the following week, I'm at the Columbus Funny Bone, February 1st and 2nd. Four shows. Get your tickets now. And the week after that, February 7. I'm at the San Jose Improop

from the bottom of my heart and the fucking producer Lee. I want to thank you guys for making testicle testaments number one on iTunes. This is the first time ever. And I owe it to you motherfuckers and putting it together.

I've had these people here today because these are my two oldest fucking friends in Hollywood of all time. I was running with Jody in Hollywood says 97 and with Don Sleazy says fucking 98. This is family here. They both went to my wedding.

Jody got the influence. invite late. Dante set up in two of the church and everything. Everybody was nervous. Who's that black man now? But this is how we do it. The church of what's happening now is our first edition ever at the nerdist. Please email me. Let me know what's on your mind. Let me know if you're trying to get it together. Joey Cocoa Diaz.net. Go in there. We're revamping it. My tour dates are beyond them coming to Kentucky. I'm going fucking everywhere this year, New Orleans. I'm doing it all. The flying you got to stay at home. But I'm bring him somewhere and let it be known for you little flying jub. I mean

got a lot of email from little young chicks that want to suck the flying jew's dick. He's available for parties and the whole thing. I fly this motherfucker out. I'm taking 10% cut sucker. From the parties? Yeah. I thought I was going to relax. You could wear that cape and shit. If you want the flying Jew to come to your house with 2,500 you'll put a yarmacca and a matching cape on with a big star of David on and a fucking song and he'll come over and dance for an extra 3,000 you can several finger up his ass. No, you can't. For the extra

500, for 35 flat, you can put a finger up his ass and fart in his left fucking eyeball. Because the right one I need for when we fart on for the big extravaganza we're doing here in Hollywood. It's good to know. That's right Cocksucker. But I love you. I love you, Jody, for coming. Love you, sir. And I love you, Don Sleazy

for coming. I'm going to have these guys on here again as co-host and cohorts and whatever the fuck you call it. Have a great week, and we'll talk to you, Cocksuckers Monday for the church, what's happening now? Stay black. Lee, where's the music? Hit it. Let's see.

How high is he? He's like a car. Tengro Lavo, I don't know. There's the Meredith Studios on Sunset. You want to hang with Puerto Rico? You said Hector Lamo. I said, for my daughter, you fuck, not here. These are Republicans here.

They're gonna call the fucking whatever on.