The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 01/28/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #50

Episode Date: January 29, 2013

We reached 50 episodes all thanks to you! Gary calls back today to update us on how his life is going after just finishing a 21 year prison sentence. Comedian Steve Simeone calls in and talks to Joey about their days with RJ the eccentric gambler. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at check out. Streamed live on 01/28/2013. 

Oh shit. Blast that Lee. It's Monday. You want to kick the fucking jams out. You want to get all this bad spirits out. It's Monday. January 28th, a beautiful fucking day to be alive. You know why?

Because you're in this fucking world today. The church of what's happening now. Mad Flay with Joey Cocoa Diaz. My main man, the flying Jew Lee. Sallat. Hit that motherfucker, Lee. What? Where's the boom boom?

I like boom boom, boom, Sam. Listen. Don't get carried away, right? It's fucking strangely on Monday morning. I'm trying to be an anti-felony Monday free. Keep my peace. Oh shit. The church Monday morning.

Give a shout out to all you bad motherfuckers out there in the struggle. Getting up, drinking your coffee, you're at work already. You got your earphones on. You're fucking hitting digits. Whatever the fuck you're doing. You're alive. Cocksuckers. Get it together. Oh, shit.

What's up, brother? No, much. I'm feeling great. I can't believe. I was going to come over here. I thought you haven't taken a shower in two days. There was no football this weekend, except for that fucking shoot through fucking... I didn't even turn that on.

Pro Bowl. I mean, I turned it on for like two minutes. I told my wife, like, there's nothing on TV. Find something. I said, you know what, turn on fucking television? The goddamn Pro Bowl. I turned it on for like three minutes. It was horrendously bad.

They've been talking about canceling it. Yeah, it's just going to Hawaii. You know, they were half-ass tacking with defensive backs. What's his name? It's not for me. Once the team loses, it's over. I don't give a fuck if I got to go Oh, why, it's over

I don't want to play no more fucking football I'm not even trying to watch a Super Bowl To be honest What's the line right now in your little New England Ravens game The New England lost The Ravens and the Niners, let's check The who?

Niners and the Ravens are playing I'm sorry, that's right What are you trying to make it hurt? I'm sorry, I'm slipping San Francisco's minus four Wow, wow, down in New Orleans The Land of Sugar Sugar, We're here. It's a beautiful Monday morning. Get up. Get your coffee.

You're alive. Motherfuck. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I know you got plans. Write your goals down. Wash your balls. Powder that fucking monkey little pussy. Get your tits all perky. Put some cologne on them. Do whatever the fuck you got to do. It's Monday. Today's your second chance to get up and make it happen. Like me, I don't give a fuck. When I got up, the baby and the wife were awake already. She was crying. My wife, it's hysterical. She keeps her in that room. As soon as I get up, I get her. I bring her until the I put that fucking TV on.

I put the iPod. I was going to say, but I still live in the fucking 80s. I put the iPod on. I put music on. And that kid, within three minutes, her arm is dropping.

She's fucking tapping out. I go, honey, you got her in that room. You've been putting in her head that she's got to go to sleep. Trick the fucking kid. You got out with these little motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying?

Anyway, it's a beautiful... I want to be around. It's Mondays for my fucking mother, your mother. everybody you want to be around little jam out of respect oh shit you have to write a child book after this you what you have to run a children's book like a parenting book come on now you got a trick this motherfuckers pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your home mm-mm-mm-mm-nothing like a Monday morning to

redeem yourself that's a good way to look at it you know ladies let's say you didn't suck a good cock on Saturday night this is another another week think about it how You guys, you didn't eat that monkey, you didn't do the right fucking thing at that job interview. Guess what? You get another shot this week. It all starts today. So what? You didn't quit smoking, you quit fucking today. The diet, you ate a fucking peanut butter. Fat man alert! Fat man alert! I lost two fucking pounds.

That's great! You know what, these fucking points, man, I think they change with the age. You know, I can't count. This new Weight Watchers point system is fucking killing me. Because I can't figure it out. I'm used to the old one. So in my mind, I gotta go to the old one. I got to go to your one, but when I go to the meeting,

they tell me, no, no, no, no. You know, I didn't count the fucking fruit never as points. I just didn't count it. For this morning, I had a nice protein, nice clean. Banana will not have any gas. I didn't think it was the protein shake last Monday that was giving me the gas. I think it was what I ate the night before, but I kept trying to go on my mind.

I had like a salad. And that's what it is. Once you get the salad mixed with the protein pie, that's like a fucking fuck the Koreans. What's coming out of my ass, but it's pure nitrogen and shit. That was awful. What's that? Yeah, it was pretty awful.

I fought in a car on the way home. I had to put all four windows. It was raining. I almost crashed into the Chinese guy next to me. Can you imagine crashing into a Chinese guy with his days going to be like a white dude crashing into me in this day and age? That's horrible.

The church of what's happening now had a great fucking weekend. The flappers. Friday night was great. You know, on Wednesday they call me like, you ain't selling tickets. I said, listen, these are the fucking church of what's happened now, people. They ain't got time to be going online

and calling you. We live. By the day, we don't fucking know. I'm gonna call you two weeks in advance. Hey, I'm just letting you... When I put it on Twitter, I'm just letting you motherfuckers know I'm gonna be there. I don't need you getting tickets

and standing online like a fucking Momo. Just show up on Friday with both guns. A pipe. Somebody gained... Some young man, he twitted me, and I didn't take his fucking name down. It was late. Some young guy gave me a fucking jointly...

Lee! I'm talking to you. It looked like a little shiv from prison. Oh shit. It was this fucking... thick all the way around. He had two different types of weed. He dipped it in hash oil, bazooka oil.

He rubbed it with this fucking weed coating and freeze dried it and it was hard and fucking... I'm going to show you the roach. The roach would scare most human beings. Yeah. It's this big. It's all crusty.

It looks like a fucking fingernail with fungi in it. You know, when it goes on the... How's your fingernails? Your toenails, you all right? They're great. Nice fingernails, cock's sucker. I used to bite them. But then when I got my tooth fixed,

fuck it. I don't bite them no more. Oh, no, I haven't had that. But no, I took a shower before you got here. You did wash that little monkey and everything. I have to. I like it, Julie. So you're learning.

This is the church. These are the principles. You get up. You fucking feed the cats. You feed the dog. You fucking put an apple in your stomach to get your metabolism going. And you go in the shower. You wash those balls.

Maybe you got to take a fucking dump. You take the dump and you go in the shower so you wash that ass good. You don't want to go out with rotten ass. You know what I'm saying? Even if you wash your ass before you go in the fucking shower, right? Yeah. And then you come out and you eat, and then you take a shit. It's your shower, but you're not completely leaving.

That ass has a little whang to it. So you might as well, that's why I eat that apple, walk around a little bit, get the testosterone, the stomach going. Then you go in the shit or you drop a bomb. Then you go in the shower, then you wash your muffler good, you know. You're going to shower. And while you're in the shower, you got to take a shit, and that's a fucking thought process right there. Oh, you have to get out? Do you get out?

What are you going to do? You never dumped right in the shower like a savage? You take a shit in the shower? I have, like, one time or twice. What the fuck? You gotta push it down the hole with your toe. It's like playing with fucking Play-Doh and stuff, dog. I swear to God.

One time I got so sick in the shower, I got so drunk or something. In Moscow, Idaho. I never forget that I was puking. And it was like what happened in San Francisco. I went to puke and a little turd came up, but this wasn't no little turd. This was like, and I was in mid-process.

What are you going to do? Try to walk out with four inches coming out of your fucking muffling. Nobody's, you know, it would have fell out on the floor. Now I've got to bend over, pick it up, and you're hung over. It's not going to work out. I just let that motherfucking drop in the shower

after I stopped sweating I look at that piece of shit I was in that shower for like an hour and nothing happened to that piece of shit that held on for fucking deal like I figured after an hour of water it would like disintegrate it didn't no I had to take like the shampoo bottle

and push it down the holes like a fucking play though that's I'm disgusting but at least I'm being honest with you guys if the church or what's happened on Monday they'll be to show up with no fucking the worst I ever did was is I went out drinking with a buddy

and I plow The first time I blacked out, I got home, and apparently I didn't want to puke in the toilet. I puked in the tub, and I woke up the next day and didn't remember it. I called him, and I was about to blame him, and then I went back and looked. It was the food I ate. You could see, like, the cheeseburgers and the burritos. No, it was a nasty motherfucker. You're nasty motherfucker.

Yeah, I got puking. That was the time I peaked in the show. I puked everywhere. And at that club, at the time, this is when I was living in Seattle. On Wednesdays, they would give you prairie farts. So they would make you drink tequila with tobasco sauce in it. Okay. And while you were on stage, they would keep sending them to you.

That's the first time I ever hallucinated on tequila. Like, I remember the fucking bathroom, the picture of the fucking, the picture of the horse in the hotel was just killing me. So, but that's it. That's all I fucking did this week. I was a little sick. You know, I did not, and I'll say this again, I had a great time at the Nerd of Studios,

but it just felt out of my, Btois. So if I was a little weird that day, people, the podcast was a little off. It was me. I take all responsibility. I just wasn't. I don't like afternoon podcast.

I don't like it by 4 o'clock. It was just too fucking late, you know? Yeah. Even sometimes when I do Joe's, that's why I'm so fucking aggravated. That's why Joe knows. I don't want to do it. I want to get this shit.

I want to get to your motherfuckers early. I was telling somebody, last week somebody called me and said, why do you do your podcasts early, come to our studio or whatever? And I said, listen, let me tell you something. This is what pisses me off about society. Straight up. I get up in the morning sometimes.

You're in a great mood. You guys seem to them in a great mood. I'm listening to fucking the food, not the Fuji fighters, the foo-fut fighters, whatever the fuck. The foo fighters? The food fighters? Okay. You know, best of you.

I'm getting high. I'm talking to my wife. I'm fucking around with you guys on Twitter. But my door would be open. And I would listen to the news. So while I was talking to you guys, you know, fucking around on Twitter trying to write jokes, I'd be listening to the news.

and you listen to the news in the first 35 fucking minutes of the news omitting the traffic, which is always bad in L.A. And the weather is all bad. It's either a teacher that molestered a student, a shootout, three people who ran a red light and got killed by a drunk driver. You know, traffic jams on the 405 overnight.

How many times have I called you and said, hey, man, Lee, have a great weekend. You're like, Joey, I'm driving home from work. Avoid the 405. Remember the night you called me? You know, there's so much. What shit that happens in LA overnight. And you wake up, but this is a normal fucking human being, a person who pays taxes.

Some of you doesn't smoke pot, a God-fearing fucking American, you get up, you put the news on, you're getting your kids ready. And this is the shit you're listening to. After 35 minutes of listening to this negativity, because that's what I, I mean, that's real negativity. You know, everything bad. The White House, the GOP is going up against Obama. This is what you hear all fucking morning. And then at 10 to 7, they played a story about the blindness.

fucking Chinese kid that can stay to get far with his toes or some shit. And, you know, so you go from one extreme of fucking fear to finally the last 10 minutes, so you leave your house with this whole thing at 35, they just, you ever get, you ever go on the fucking thing on an

app on your iPhone and look into traffic? Yeah. And they're telling you they scare the shit out of your car. And then you get to the 4-05 and ain't nothing. It's empty. I hate that. Bro, just go for, the same thing happens in life. That's why I don't listen to fucking people. It's like going home and sitting around your family.

I'm one day having the most brilliant fucking epiphany of your life. Like, you know what? I don't want to work at the law office no more as a clerk. I want a silk screen shirt. And your whole family turns on you. You know, like they're like, what are you fucking crazy? You want to be a loser? What do you want to be a hippie?

It's the same thing with the fucking news in the morning. When I come on in the here in the morning, listen, I'm not the best-looking guy. He leaves no fucking model for Mad Magazine. Would I help me hear playing bongos, barefoot, singing about positivity or whatever? But at least I'm trying to take it. you halfway there I'm giving you two things I'm showing you that eight I'm broke to me and fucking Lee we're fighting for our wives here and we're trying to make the best of what we got we're smoking dope you know one fucking joint ain't gonna kill you but we're

talking we're listening to music we're talking about Tony Bennett shit in the shower you know we're sending you out there going Jesus Christ you know I got a I got a shot if fucking Joey Diaz was a sack of shit got a shot I got a fucking shot it's funny because the other day some kid keeps herenting me that me and my friend we think that your background we heard you made it up why would somebody make up being a loser that's a good point what if you're gonna make a story up you're gonna make a story up you're gonna make a start up being on yachts in Miami with drug dealers and Tony Montana and 10 chicks I've never talked about that shit I've

always told you about I was I was trying I'm trying to write this book Lee and and I read in this Steven Spielberg book that when you don't want to write about a subject you should really write about it because maybe you don't want to talk about it. You know, none. I don't even know. I'm not fucking no smart guy, but maybe you don't want to talk about it underneath or something like that. So I was writing about my demise in 83, 84. Okay. When I went on a six-month loser tear, like all I wanted was $5,000. So I get my life together. Do you know how many times I had $5,000 that year? 20,000 times. I would snort it, put it in my nose, and then for a week I would cry. And how I need a break, nobody loves me,

the world's against me. What are you talking about, Joey? What the fuck are you talking? I think back about it now. Yeah, I was thinking about that the other day. Someone actually asked me, like, do you, I don't know if regrets the right word, but you've done a lot of acting and comedy. Do you ever think of it, like, if you hadn't done the Coke, like you'd probably be living in the hills and stuff like that?

Do you know what I think about that? Yeah, I mean, there's no real point to think about it. I think life had a path for me that had to fucking work for it and get every inch I could. I'm like the Pittsburgh Steelers in the 66. You know what I'm saying? I got to get every inch I get on the offense. We don't have the highest paid fucking offensive.

line. We don't have the fucking best receivers. Our defense is the lowest paid defense in the fucking league. Did you know it about the Pittsburgh Steelers? They're the lowest payroll. They're the cheapest fucking team in the NFL. Okay? But they give you everything we got. When players go up there, they give you everything they got. You know why?

Because guys like my man, Pittsburgh, Jay, they believe. Jack Lambert fucking believe. That's an American. You know, Jack Hamm, those motherfuckers you believe. You know what? You don't want to pay my money? Well, I'm going to show you who the fuck I am. And they stay.

And that's what I am. I'm the guy. I got a call for fucking everything. You know, it was, I went to Miami in 84, and I went on this, and I went to, how can you make this shit up? I knew this guy, my mother and him had grown up and my father together, and I knew his kids. And I had gone to Miami, and a friend of a friend said he was looking for me, whatever, want to be friends again, it's the father. Okay. And I went down to the father's house and my mother and stepfather, as I was growing up, always had this running joke. If Muneiko, that was his name.

knocks in the door late don't let them in like one night my mom would always wake me up at 20 after 3 when she'd get home from work and bring me food and a couple like one night she didn't wake me up and I got up going to school like pissed off what happened to them and I got up and my mom was passed out my dad was passed on the couch and the next day when I got home from school I called him and I go what happened to you guys this and they were like

we let Mignette go into the bar and he kept us there all night I didn't know what they were talking about it was too young to understand I was doing coke now in 84, and I didn't really know about paranoia. After doing cocaine for a few years, you go from having a great time, and it takes you into a complete different world of paranoia, where you lock your doors, you look out the window for hours, you crow on the floor looking for coke rocks. You know, it's a complete different high.

By that time you're addicted, it took me probably like seven years to get to that level of cocaine, of the paranoia coming in with. And when you're doing it every day at that point? No, I was just doing lots of it. And it went from having a good time and watching TV and eating some chick's ass and just telling stories to crawl around a room. And the chick's waiting there to feed a fucker and you don't want to fuck her because there's cops watching you. It's a horrible experience. Yeah, that doesn't sound fun.

No, it's a horrible experience. And then you hide the cocaine or dump it. It's just a horrible fucking experience. So I was in Miami. I was 21 years old. I was trying to get my life in order. And this guy's a millionaire. And my friend says he's looking for him.

I go down there. He owns a furniture chain. But he's really a drug dealer. I had always known him as a drug dealer growing up. I knew his sons. I knew a lot of fucking people he was around. He wasn't like a heavy guy. And we're over his house and his son's with us.

His wife's in the house. But she's on the other side. His house is fucking huge. and we're just chilling, right? We're just chilling out. And he goes, you want to get high? I'll never forget this, Lee. I was 21.

My nose was wide open. You know, I was looking to get in trouble. I was dying to be a Coke dealer. I wanted to be a fucking kingpin. And I'm at this guy's house, and we're talking about him giving me ounces of Coke to take up to New York and me starting to sell coke and how we grew up together.

And he knew my father and my mother, my mother would be heartbroken. But if this is what I want to do, and then all of a sudden he goes listen you want to get high so here's this 50 year old guy me and his son and we're starting to get high and all of a sudden the dad leaves for like 20 minutes and the son looks at me he goes well it looks like it's that time of the night you know i'm going to bed he goes you deal with him i'm like what are you telling him father comes back with a margarine tub like he bought from Costco this is 1984 they used to have this uh margarine tubs that were pretty big he took the

lid off it and he took all the margin out this was his own personal thing he was his own personal thing he had done it before it was filled with water he had a dish in there and he had cocaine in there and he would walk around the house with a gun and his box of shorts and flippers on right and he just walk around the house so there I am watching TV listen to fucking music and it's like we started snorting like a nine and it's about midnight and this guy comes in with like a white beater with the box of shorts the 45 or the 38 whatever he had this tub of margin with a floating dish of water in it so if the cops come he could take the dish and dump the cocaine in the water and dump the water it's crazy this guys I'm sitting there

going what this is like out of that scene of boogie nights so he sits down meanwhile he's got another fucking like baggy that he's walking around with he's dumping that and we're doing it and he would leave the coke and get up to do a search around the house and I would take coke rocks from him like little coke rock so here I am stealing his coke we're doing it you know he's walking around naked whatever not naked but with the boxer shorts with the gun in his hand. And he snort the line and he would point the gun at you while he was snorting,

you know, he'd go, okay. And you're like, move the gun. You're like, Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, this one of the people. That's all I was thinking about. That would petrify me. You have no idea. So, you know, and here I am.

I've never even talked about this shit because this shit comes out as I'm writing. I'm like, oh, my God. And finally, like five, six in the morning, after his wife tries to calm him down because he wakes everybody up. He wakes everybody up. He's in your room all night looking under beds and in closet. it was fucking a nightmare. He would come in and be scared of me

and he'd look under my couch. You can't fit a human under the couch. So finally, I'm in the one room. I'm in the same in the same room, and he's somewhere, and also, I have, bam! The fucking gun goes off and he shoots himself. Now, listen, I don't know about your house or my house or somebody where you people live

in a normal house when somebody shoots himself, right? The gun goes off, people come up. Nobody got up. He's like, ah, I go in and the far. You can see the son, like, putting his pants on like, did he fucking shoot himself? And I'm like, dog, call the M. He's like, nah, nah, nah. We got a doctor up the road.

He goes, he's shot himself like four times in the last five fucking years. Look at his feet. I didn't even notice it. So I'm like, what do you want me to do? And they're like, listen, we'll give you like a couple hundred. Just go to a hotel down the road and come back in two days. This is how crazy is. Like, what do you tell these fucking stories?

And I remember being so happy because I checked into like a 39-99 hotel They had given me like 300 cash and I had like eight grams of Coke and to me that was everything I ever needed in my life I got that feeling and I remember it being in that room that like it was a Sunday night and going into Monday morning I remember being awake at like eight in the morning thinking about what was my next fucking move in life here I am snorting coke like a case of beer and this guy just shot himself and uh that's my fucking life you can't make that shit up I forgot all about that shit. And... I never heard from him again, or the family or nothing.

Of course not. But that... See, for someone who hasn't done it, like, to me, if I... Like, if I ever did that, like, let's say you came over, we smoked weed for the... And you were walking around with the gun. I wouldn't want to smoke weed again. No, me neither. But that's what I'm saying.

I don't even like people around me with guns. When I see cops, I get fucking nervous. But the fact... But, like, you did coke again after that. So, yeah. Oh, for 25 fucking years. That's what I'm saying. Like, if I was doing Coke and I saw someone on Coke fucking walking around shooting themselves, I'd be like, all right, that's something not to do.

Or the addiction is just so bad. You're like, well, fuck it. Hey, listen. Anybody who has been addicted on anything, whether it's pills, you know, what catches us is when we catch us up doing the weirdest fucking things. You know, could be from sleeping around for women to stealing money to supply. You know, you know when you're fucking up with the blow. You know, I mean, I got. locked up and still didn't stop snorting.

I mean, you have to want to do it on your own. Whether it's pills, the weed, the booze. You're going to have to do it. You know, you can only kick yourself on the ass that many times. You know, and after I saw that, years later, is when I went into that paranoia fucking moat.

Okay. That went on, that started in 87, and it didn't go away until 2005 when I stopped doing blow. It never went away. I could do it. I could do blow for an hour or two alcohol and drink with it

once I got into my head it was all over I was walking from curtain to curtain I'd have to do it all in one shot because I didn't want the cops to come over and me have it at the house it was fucking amazing that's how you kill yourself you do it all you know you do the whole fucking bag

so I'm fucking lucky a little music let's lighten this motherfucker up before the fucking first call me all right what's going on wait bro shit little Peter Gabriel in the fucking house. Mm-mm.

Lee, you're going to smoke some of this? You can leave me here like an orphan with red head. I've been smoking. We had you on fire already. I'm pretty careful. It's Monday morning. Get up, motherfuckers. It's a beautiful day to be alive.

Blasted Lee. He kicked the habit, too. Shed my skin. Oh, shit. This is the new stuff. Go, Lee. Hit it for Uncle Joe. Little wiggle, Bob.

Come on. Oh, shit. It's Monday, Copsucker. Watch that pussy. They mean business. out there today. They ain't fucking around. Show for me. Show for you.

What are you fucking nuts? I'm way too high for this music video. Oh, the video's amazing. It's stop motion with him and like eight black women and just running around with a TV. It's fucking weird. Put the sign without me. What's the one of this motherfucker's sick? Peter Gabriel used to be with a band

called Genesis. Okay. And when he left, fucking Peter Gabriel. Oh, not Peter Gabriel, whatever his name is, uh, you know, That's things. Phil Collins. I can end the answer and I took over. And then Phil Collins went solo. But these motherfuckers were savages.

If you don't know nothing about early Genesis or even Genesis with Phil Collins, I put it on and the new Pepsi generation don't dig it. And I understand you. To me, it's like putting fucking doo-wop on. I don't know what they're talking about either, but you listen to fucking Genesis, the early Genesis with Peter Gabriel.

And you're going to hear some shit that you hear today. You're going to go, oh, that's where they fucking got it. That's right, Coxuckers. Because that's how we're doing it here. Drop it on you. motherfuckers on a beautiful Monday morning. What time is it at least I are? Let me give a shout out to these

fucking savages today. Always to my man in Chicago, Mikey Kern, Chris the legal courier, Jacob Valdez, Rhino 87, Brian Grassman, Anthony Parro, Andrew Zimmerman, Angeese looking good like a motherfucker.

Dead Scott, Connecticut. I'm doing your podcast this week. Tank Satchez. I'm also doing Mitch Nutter's podcast this week. Oh, great. Hiding from my motherfucking wife in the basement Mitch Nutt is a soldier. He had me worry. You know, Mitch Nutt is fucking crazy. What do you do? He's just a crazy fuck.

When I seen him in Chicago, I can tell Mitch Nutter has shot a couple motherfuckers. He knows that bodies are buried. Do you follow me? He gives you that look. Some people give you a look and you know that look. It's as good as a fucking nod to a blind savagely. Lee, I'm going to Columbus, Ohio this week. I'm going to freeze my ass off,

but I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. You understand me? Do you like Columbus? I love Ohio. I'm a fucking I grew up a Cincinnati motherfucking Red fan with Pete Rose. You see Pete Rose got a reality show

he's married to that Chinese woman. Dog, let me tell you some. I'm sorry, Cincinnati. I'm fucking sorry. Listen, I don't even mind the gambling. I wasn't pissed at Pete because of the gambling. The Hall of Fame is great, but fuck it. We all know the damage Pete Rose did.

The Hall of Fame is just, you know, whatever. Pete Rose was a bad motherfucker kids, and if you don't think so, you go on YouTube and you watch, listen, I watched the great, I was watching Law & Order, and some dude came in with a Spanish cop, you know, the main guy, the white dude, came in

with the Spanish guy, Benjamin Brett. Okay. And the fucking, the Italian guy, the Jew behind the county is like, I don't like Spicks in my fucking place. I nearly lost it. Benjamin Brett looked at him like, what did you say? He goes, I think you're all worthless except Roberto Clementi.

For a prejudiced person to like discount the whole race and just for a baseball. And you know what? Trust me, there's a lot of people who think that way. But Roberto Clementi was a bad motherfucker, but Pete Rose got a reality show. It killed me. It fucking killed me.

But listen. He must not be able to make money anymore. Why I used to be working in the sports betting service? My number one action was people from Ohio and people from Mississippi. Mississippi. It's amazing how much fucking people. And those are the people I sold action to it. And those are the people that last...

I had a high school football coach from somewhere in fucking the sticks in Ohio that this guy was betting fucking 50,000 a game. I remember him sending me like $200,000 in six months. He was a high school football coach. Amazing. Those people know how to fucking party in Ohio. I've never had a problem with Ohio

people. I've been to an Ohio state game 20 years ago to see the really good running back. I mean, I'm excited. I don't give a fuck about the cold weather. I got Rifa waiting for me. I know people coming up from Kentucky and people coming up from Michigan bringing fucking pounds and

Oh shit. Oh, shit. Oh, this will be more fucking Reef from Columbus on Friday and Saturday that you've seen in years. Stoner shirts, deadheads. I don't give a fuck. Come out. Put the Pachugi juice on that fucking pussy ladies.

There will be some studs there. I'm not even talking about me. I got no. I'm dead. I'm done. I'm done with fucking sex. After this situation with the kids. Oh, are you going to...

Vesectomy? No, I'm just done. Who needs a vasat? Bro, I barely got a fucking pregnant. Trust me, that will never happen again will all those sperm cells come together like that. There's the last hurrah. I was the last fucking hurrah.

My sperm will never get together. That was the luckiest day my sperm sac ever seen it. It's life. Jesus. This fucking life. I must have drank Yeagermeister. What's the alcohol with the gold bits in it? Gold slugger.

Do they still make that? I don't know. I haven't seen it. Me neither. I think one's gold went up. It's cinnamon, though. It's cinnamon, though. It's cinnamon flavor.

I got fucked up on Goslager sometimes. But I remember gold is like 800, right? How much is gold an ounce of? It must be up there. It's up there. It's up there. So it's got it. Got to be...

You got somebody calling in. What's the story, brother? All right, good morning, brother. I'll have a day. You know me, trying to put the fucking pieces together on a Monday morning. How's the weather all by you? Oh, it's snow right now. Heavy or light?

Light right now. That's the fucking East Coast, brother. January and February is misery. You're going into the misery season now. I know. It's very like everyone hibernates down here by the shore. It's like dead down here completely. How are the bars?

I don't know. I don't even go to the bars, to be honest. I stay away from that. But when you drive by at night, do you see people hanging out or nah? Yeah, it's fairly little. You know, there's like a lot of Google bars around here. And sometimes, like on Fridays, if you try to buy, there's some, but not much. To be honest with you.

On the line is my man, Gary Bo. We had him on a couple weeks ago when he was friends. freshly released from the penitentiary. I've known Gary since he was a young man. A lot of guys emailed me and wanted to have Gary back on the show to see how you were doing and how you were coming along. What's been going on? Yeah, you're still taking it slow, Coco, to be honest,

which everything is still new to me. It don't happen overnight, you know, working part-time, but then folk got cut with that. You know, it's a lot of hating, a lot of greed. I ain't in position to while calling the shots at the moment, you know. It's just the way it goes around here. It's a dirty game. I know it, you know.

I ain't hating. I'm new to the field right now coming out all this years, and I ain't trying to step on other people's toes. And I've got to work with what I got in the meantime. The last thing I want is a beef right now. No, no, no. At least you're out there, man. How long were you locked up for again, Gary?

21 years. Jesus fucking Christ. So, yeah, you got something coming to you. and you just got to keep your head on tight. And you sound great still. Like I told you yesterday, you sound dynamic on the fucking phone. Yeah,

I appreciate that. You know, I got to stay positive. I got to, for my own sanity. You know, it ain't easy. I'm not going to lie,

Coco. You know, I have my bad days a lot. You know, it's like, you know, am I going to make it out here? Am I set up to fail?

I don't know. You know, no weeks crosses my mind. You know, after the last time, I'm sorry, go ahead. No,

you know, how am I going to, provide and stuff. And I don't want to reach off people. You know, they're only going to give you so many handouts, and you've got to earn your own way in this world. You know, I just need a little bit of a door open for me. Let me explain something to you.

When I got locked up, the thing that saved me was that the last sentence from the judge or the probation, you know how you got to go to a probation office and she makes her review of what's going to happen? She wrote that if they threw me in jail, the case of recidivism would be low, which means that the number, you know, a percentage of me going back would be low if they taught me a lesson for having the machine gun.

After we had our conversation, I went online and tried to find statistics on people that have gone to prison and the percentages after years. Remember, after four or five years, Gary, a lot of guys just say, fuck it. This is my life. Even if they let me out, What am I going to do on the outs?

So I checked it from that way, from the FBI numbers and stuff like that. Gary, every day that you stay out after 21 years, you have no idea how you're overcoming the odds. Every fucking day. Yeah, they say, yeah. Yeah, you know, I haven't even been out three months ago, huh? You know, and they say, you know, you stay out of union. The odds are going back and swimming. I tell you, man, I'm not trying to go back.

I'm not going to be honest. I do something I'm going all the way if I am at Disney again. And I'm going to let them take me alive, to be honest. I'm going to be straightforward. I do something going all the way they can blast me. I ain't going back. And that's the truth of the matter. If I do something, I know the consequences, you know.

I die, I die. It is what it is. At least, you know, I went for what I believe there. But, you know, I don't want to go to that point. I know. But if I did, I'd go all the way. But you know what? I don't want you to go back.

I don't want to have this conversation because I love you and I believe in my heart you're going to stay out and you're going to do fucking good things. It's just, listen, it's tough for the common fucking white guy that goes to college

and pays taxes today. Listen, and I'm not being prejudiced here. I'm sorry if the conversation offend some people. The fucking white guy that had his mom, her name is Mary, and the father's name is Chuck

and they both went to the school fucking barbecue and they lived their life to the fullest. If you go to college today and you come out And you're a white kid in this country It's fucking tough out there for you Can you imagine a white kid 40 years old After being locked up for 20 years

So you can't give up We gotta make a point together You can't give up Gary I had the odds against me I had no family I had no reason to live Because when you have no family You really have nobody to fucking live for

You have nobody to impress You have nobody to fucking get a pat in the back Or a hug from And you know Gary I wanted, at one point, I wanted to stay out for me to prove a point to North Bergen to prove a point to those dickheads because you know those dickheads?

Once they get this, half of North Bergen is like us. We're bad motherfuckers and we're camaraderie motherfuckers. But the other side sold their fucking life for a political job or whatever the fuck they're doing and they'll tweet, you know, if they get busted, they're turning on everybody at fucking harpos and everybody. And you know that. So what? I robbed some fucking houses or whatever

as a kid and some drug dealers. I got out of that. I got out of that. And I'm not a millionaire, and I'm not on TV, but that doesn't make a man. Just that we're still walking and fucking moving around.

That's what makes a fucking man, Gary. And you're halfway there. So the criminal aspect of this, we're going to do what we can to keep you the fuck out. Where do you live, Gary? I'm staying down in Kingsburg, New Jersey. Now, you know, with my brother and my mom down here.

If anybody's listening to this podcast from down in South Jersey, especially close to Kingsburg that has a job for Gary fucking going out 40 hours a week picking up parked benches whatever collecting whatever the fuck you got

hit me up on fucking Twitter will make you the star on a goddamn week and this kid's not looking for a hand now he's just looking for a job to get him on his fucking way I know what the feeling's like I know what the feeling's like Gary

Gary even if I had 20,000 dollars and send it to you wouldn't feel good do you know what I'm saying No, it's like it's a handout, a scrub, you know, you gotta earn your own way, you know. I just need a little bit of the door to be open, you know. You're an intelligent guy, you know, I'm gonna look around and see what the fuck's going on on there. Because my buddy, the one who's in the call, he just did, I don't know if you remember in West New York in like 80,

and like 88, maybe 90, this guy from West New York got caught throwing coke bales out of a fucking plane, and they caught him, and they played the video on ABC News, and I spoke about in the Joe Rogan podcast. and he got out after 20 years and he's living in Newark and he told me that it took him like six months to get a job

but he finally went to a interview and he just broke down to the lady and told him the truth and he had been locked up and he wanted a second chance and he's working at the hospital he's like a union fucking janitor but you know what

he's making 17 16 an hour or something and Gary that ain't nothing to fucking shy from no you know I'd be more than content with anything to be honest with you yeah a little insurance A little whatever you fucking twist some nuts you clean the toilet But you know Gary you ain't carrying a gun and nothing and no man's kicking your bed at five of the morning telling you to wake the fuck up

And that's the most important thing as a fucking man I hated that shit I hated being subject to that all that shit Like even when I got sick last week and you know I'm trying to go to the community house and they tell me to go there I go there and like oh we can't help you this and I said listen I just came home you know I have an infection in my lungs I have asthma I have the flu You know at high fever and they're like we can't help you can't help you. Like, how can you help me? You know, you're supposed to help me. She's like, well, we can't help you. So, you know, I had to go to the frigate hospital. At least they help me.

And they helped me real good. And took care of me, gave me the prescription for my hospital, for predatory zone, and gave me antibiotics and get the infection out. So I was walking around with it for over a week, and no one wanted to help, no medical facility around. And I'm distraving them that the hospital took care of me. And, yeah, it's messed up. You know, because I come out of it. I'm still, you know, state property on federal property, you know. Technically, I belong to them. You're supposed to take care of me.

It ain't like they ain't going to not write you a check to take care of the bill. That's fucking amazing. It's something like that. But you're good, man. You sound fucking good. And, you know, Gary, it's so weird how you're 40, you're 41. 43, now. 43.

And I got to tell you, man, you got the world by the balls. And you don't even know it because you got the bad part of your life out of the way. The good part's about to come. If you live to 60, you're going to have 27 good years of a good life when it matters. Because who gives a fuck when you're a kid? You were a fucking idiot anyway. I wasn't. When I was a kid, I was a fucking moron anyway.

Like the rest of us that are going, Lee, wake up, Cocksucker. The flying Jew, I get him a little high. He's over there, nod, not being shit, looking at me with open eyes. You get some sleep last night? No, but I'm up. I'm looking at you. You got any questions from my little brother here? No, that's, I'm glad he's doing better.

You're learning from him? Fuck you. No. You know, you got the, that's it. You got the bad part of your life out of the fucking way. It can only be good after this. It's only up to you. You can't go back, you know? Yeah, I don't want to go back, man. I don't want it. I really don't. I'll tell you, man. I ain't let me.

Fuck that. Being subjects like that, all those years. 21 fucking years. All those freaking out. pedophiles and child molasses go home left and right that's what makes you bitter you get like more opportunities than the average guy coming home that makes me bitter i'm not gonna lie i see it all the time it does how saw any roles going on with you over there yeah i got a movie i'm gonna shoot in new orleans uh starting in march it's a movie called a grudge match with kevin hart

and denaro and a bunch of people but besides that cool cool yeah it's been quite It's been quiet and I've been working on my stand-up. I start traveling this week and the kid's good and the The wife's good and they're all healthy. You know, you know where I came from bro. You know you saw me at 21 I was a fucking mess so right now I'm dealing with my wife and I see this kid and I think of my life and Oh my God. It's it's like every sin I had got taken away like that's what this kid did for me but not really But it's two different worlds I'm walking around and like a fucking dream because I'm I've never had this utopia. You know?

Hey, how did you get into the, trying to get into the acting shit? How did I get into it? Yeah. Yeah. How did, you know, you get in? You know, I, you know, I didn't try that, I'll do that still.

You know, see what I can do. If I told you how I got in, it was luck, but it was my effort. Like, I never thought about being an actor. I'm like you. I used to go to the Union City Cinema and watch Charles Bronson movies

and go to Seacork and watch movies and giggle. I used to go down. Remember, we used to go to the showboat and to the Mayfair theater, correct? The showboat's still there? Yeah, the Binghamton still there. The Biggerton still there?

They're going down there and sucking some pussy and there was rats under the fucking car. Ratting down there and shit. My Furnie Basuto had a hole in his Nova, and the rats were climbing to his fucking Nova guy while he was down there getting head. It was disgusting down there. And then you had the Mayfair Theater.

That's why I seen Carrie for the first time. I've seen American jiggle on that motherfucker. I seen a couple movies up there. But, you know, Gary, Gary, it was lucky. I came out here starving. I started doing stand-up to stand-up. And also, I got a manager who said, I got to turn you into an actor.

And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? I took Performing Arts in North Bergen High, my freshman year intro, and that was it. That was it. I never took no other fucking classes. So I... How do you get an age and stuff? You know what?

When you're a comic, it makes it a lot easier than just walking... You know, when you're a comic and you're 30... Remember, I looked like I was 50 when I was 20. You know, when I was... You know, I look at my baby. Everybody keeps looking at my baby going, that baby looks a lot older. Yeah, because she's my fucking kids.

She already looks like she's two months fucking old. You know, I looked old. My soul was fucking old from day one. So I was 30-something when I came out of here, and, you know, no agency, coming off nothing. no money, and a manager picked me up, and he submitted me for a couple rolls. And I got in there, and I booked a movie called Basketball.

That's the first time I ever worked. I didn't even know what cut was. I didn't even know what action was, or it's cut, or when they were talking about standing on your lines and hitting your lines. I knew nothing, Gary. And the next thing you know, I was in the fucking screen actors' guilt. You know, I've been in the Screen Actors Guild now, Gary,

for 15 fucking years. You know how many unions I paid to get into When I lived in North Bergen I'm still in the Longshoreman's union I'm in the bartending's union I'm in the electricians union in Colorado I'm in more fucking unions than Jimmy Hoffa But the only union that I earned was this shit

And you know what man I don't know where you're living or whatever I could turn you on to it Let me tell you something man If I sell a book or I got on a TV show Gary The first person I'm fucking sending money To help and out is you I want you out here with me.

Because together we could write a fucking story that would make these... Fuck Brad Pitt and fuck all these dumb-ass fucking movies. You and I could put together in the story. I lived it. I lived that point-break lifestyle. Straight up.

Point-break lifestyle. Jesus Christ. I couldn't even imagine robbing the fucking bank. And tent times more intense. Oh, my God. I couldn't imagine robbing the fucking bank with a weapon. And it was... What a thrill to take over this, man.

Tell you, I got off. I'm not gonna lie, man. That was just all I knew is what to do. It's like this kind of thing that I can't see and know how to penetrate and take down if I wanted to. You know, and I just got to block those thoughts out. No, Gary, nah.

Because, you know, you can do it, you got to go all the way. You know, I see all the stuff. I see the all the cars and, you know, I would see all their weak points. I know everything to penetrate. It's ridiculous. You know, I can put it all on the script if I really wanted to. I don't really do it. It's amazing when you see a place and you can

break down the security of it and you know exactly how we'd get into it. Like I look at places now and I go, I pity you motherfuckers 30 years ago. I would have robbed you motherfuckers blind just by your setup. I could walk into a place and know just by, I see people walk away. I see so many holes in their games. You know, for years, I was the greasiest thief. I used to go to Fort Lee Guy with a shoot-on and I would go into office building and rob purses and little bank accounts that people would have in their offices.

I'd make three, four thousand a day in a building on one fucking floor. And they wouldn't even know. You know how many times I walked into an office and the receptionist would go to the fucking bathroom and leave the deposit bag on the fucking office table? You know how many times I found... Yeah, deposit boxes, yeah. You know how many fucking times I found $3,000 an envelope on top of an office

just walking in? And as I'm walking out, the lady's coming up to me going, what were you doing? I'm looking for him. He's wrong office. And I leave, run out of the fucking building. I saw it a thousand times. A fucking idiot can't make a living.

Well, today you got cameras everywhere. That's the problem. That's a difference, Gary. Yeah, those are the things, you know, got to be penetrated. Yeah, I saw all that stuff. That's the first thing you do is you're recon. Let me tell you some. The first thing...

Playing you escape or everything. Oh, my God. The first thing, I'll tell you what, petrifies me. There's nothing that scares me more when I see one of those trucks. One of those bank trucks? I get petrified. Yeah. Petrified. I fucking avoid those things like the play.

Why? Because I know somebody's looking at it to shoot that motherfucking thing Because if you think like me If you're a real old school Jew And you're driving and you see a fucking armored car First thing you think about is that could be my lucky day That could be my own lucky day You know, you ever hear the stories

The door opens up and a bunch of $100 bills come out of those things You read about those stories that by mistake That's the last thing I want to be in it You know what I'm saying? Unless a big envelope flies out, I'll fucking grab that thing But trust me, let's be in the house within three fucking days The feds will have a satellite somewhere in the area they will be in your house within three days that's when you'll find

out how they are watching you absolutely absolutely abs the fucking they got a yeah they got all that ready to technology probably in every bag now with tracking device and all that but you gotta know they got to activate that first GPS and that takes a whole hour for them to go through it they need the bank president to punch in the code you know so by then you can be long gone and get rid of everything that's how they happen I never even thought ever. Once I heard that you had stuck in the wire

into the nights of security thing and went to Hawaii that time, I always thought about that. Like, that was fucking genius. And that's how simple it was. And my line, you took a fishing wire and put it down a night security thing and took out how much out of that, motherfucker?

Oh, there were thousands at that time. Easily. That's amazing. Does somebody be that fucking... Everything could be penetrated. There's a solution to every problem and there's an answer to every question. No matter how safe you think it is, it can always be penetrated. And that's a fact.

Anything. Any security system, anything. You just got to look, analyze it. You might not get it right away, but you will eventually. You'll see its weak points. That's in anything in life. Remember, who was that drug dealer that everybody was trying to rob in North Bergen? Didn't you get this suitcase one time?

He put it by the fucking window? Oh, I. Nicky Delusha. Nicky Delusha, that fucking guy's on Facebook, that cock sucker. The Hawaiian. You're gonna make a sheep, a sheep dog. He was making a lot of fucking money when we were kids. He was, he was.

Yeah, he always did. He always did his hustle. He always knew how to make money. But he wasn't built like that, you know? Like, he wasn't worthy. You know, if you're gonna do your thing, you better have a strong crew around you because he'd be pushed up on real quick. And, you know, you're gonna pay a tax.

And that's a fact. If you got no packing, that's bad. I'm surprised he never did pay a tax that guy. No. Somebody never taxed him at all, and he was like a little fucking pussy. He was part of the Hashway crew up there that thought they were cute, and they would giggle, and they were... Remember him, and he had the buddy with the glasses that they thought they were cute

because they were doing something with cars, the registrations. The guy ended up all in Vanieri a bunch of money. I forget what his fucking name was. I couldn't stand those motherfuckers. No, I love Veneery. That's my friend. North Bergen. What's that? Vanieri's going to be next mayor.

That's the word on the street that our little brother, Vaniery's going to be. And that, listen, when I left North Bergen, I left because I thought Vanir would be the mayor in 10 years. And once Vanier becomes mayor, I stopped doing county. I become his driver for a year. That's what nobody knows. Once Vanier becomes man, I got that job locked up already. I told them this, that I would fucking go on the New York Times bestseller writing a story about that cock suck when we used to do when we were kids.

So as soon as Vanier becomes, Anthony Vanier becomes mayor of North Bergen, guys, I'm done with podcasting and traveling and doing these fucking stupid jokes. You motherfuckers are on your own. You better get it together because if he does become man, because they're going to yank sack a lot of that. You know, I paid my fucking dues people. Don't even look at me weird like you're going to jump on the bandwagon. Fuck you.

I hung with that motherfucker since he was 15 until he was about 25. And I had my hands full with fucking Vanieri as a kid. And I loved him and he took care of me. He fucking took care of me. But I had my hands full with that. I always like him. I always loved Anthony. He's always a good kid.

Always fucking good kid. I would be so proud if he became mayor in North Bergen. Just because between you and me, you know what? He's a funny. He called me on night from Rudy's. He was at Rudy's eating dinner. He just called me out of the fucking blue. And he's like, what's going on?

I'm over here. There's a Spanish fucking waitress. And why do you say eat her pussy in Spanish or whatever? He's a... I love Anthony a lot, man. I love you too, man. I'm happy that you're out. I'm happy that we got a chance to talk.

And that you call. Who would have known when I was getting off the plane with those guns? that 30 years later you and I would be doing a podcast in Los Angeles, California, brother. Hey, things have a way of working themselves out, you know, for the better, and that's how you've got to look at it. And, you know, those days, you know, a lot of those days were real good days. You know, it's just the bad part was going down eventually. But I can't say that I didn't enjoy those days.

They were adventurous. They were exciting. It was the risk. I actually enjoyed it. I'm not going to lie. In front, it was the flu. it was the thrill. I was getting over.

Oh, it's so much. It's so much fun to wake up. A rush. You know, it can't be explained. It can only be experienced how it felt. I can't remember robbing a house down by five corners. Remember five corners down there? Yeah, absolutely.

I remember that there was little projects there, those little projects across from, there was like a bank there. There was a lot of shit happening in five corners. I took a lead down to five corners. Charlie Gizzy and his brother killed somebody down there, but there was those little projects there since I was a kid, and Patrick D. Lorenzo used to live over there.

He was the first big Coke dealer. He used to sell the Krugues and all those fucking people, and, oh, my God, I went to, I snorted Coke in 20 of those little fucking project departments when I was a kid. And I remember I would tell people a night before, like, pick me up tomorrow at 9 o'clock, we're going to go rob a house, and they would take me to, you know, they would pick me up,

And I'd be with my back against the wall. So I remember going down there one time to rob a fucking house. Oh, my God. That place down there. And I remember getting back in the car and feeling my heart beating. If you get a rot, like before, when you do something bad, if you don't watch the Godfather, this is why I love the Godfather so much. Because right before Michael is about to shoot Salazzo, you hear the train.

You hear a train. And you hear those screeches. That's what you hear when you're, before you do something. bad Gary you go fucking death your adrenaline your dick gets so hard that you go fucking death that the blood leaves your head and goes to your cock when you do something bad whether it's putting a gun to somebody's head and tell him to shut the fuck up this is your fucking room cock sucker or you know or get on the fucking floor or put those fucking handcuffs on motherfucker give me put the fucking blow on the

table or even remember you just drive me to the airport me getting on a plane with 12 ounces of blow. Used to get my dick so hard. Explain to these people that angle of it. It's like for me now, I have comedy that gets my dick hard. And coming on the show with Lee and yelling and screaming, do you remember how hard your dick would get before you did something bad? Yeah, you know, you just want to do it.

You want to get it over it because you've got the knots in your stomach. You just want to, it's just like a mission. You know, you've got to the military, do the special forces mission. It's an objective. You've got to reach it, and you've got to accomplish it. And once you accomplish it, there's no greater feeling in the world. You know, it's a rush. You really can't explain.

You really got to experience, especially when I was doing the heist and stuff and count all the money and go to a safe house and count up all the dough and split it. There's no greater high because you plan it. And, you know, anybody can plant something out, anybody. But if you don't have the heart to do it, it's senseless. You know, you've got to have the courage to do it. The fucking heart. Yeah, be brave.

Oh. You know, I miss that shit, but I don't. Yeah, I miss that shit, but I don't. I'm going to give you a call when I get home. I love you, brother. Thank you for calling in today, and we're happy that you're doing great, and we're happy that you still got that fucking fire in your heart.

Now you just got to flip it apart and figure out what the fuck you want to do, man. Figure out what you want to do, Gary, and get back to me, please. Figure out what you really want to do. Absolutely, bro. I love you, Coco. I love you too, man. Have a great day and a great fucking week,

and I'll call you when I get home. I want you to really figure out what you want to do. We'll put something together, man, all right? Absolutely, Bobby. You take care, all right? I love you, man. Stay black. Stay white.

Bye. What's up, cocksucker? Nothing. It blows my mind because it's the furthest thing from my world. Oh, it is. And it's the furthest thing from a lot of people's world. And that's why I put the kid on the podcast because your life could change that fast.

Like that kid, when he was around at 14 with those weapons, me bringing weapons to his brother's house and all that shit. He should have fucking pulled up on the school, but he never did. He became a fucking bank robber. So, I mean, I don't fucking know. I don't know what. I just love him and I want him to stay. And I keep him coming, call, and just to let you guys know, we're going to fucking keep this kid out. And that's it.

That's just the decision I made. And I hope you're right with it. I love you. You're a good man. No, no. And it's hard because when you talk like that, it's, it scares me and it doesn't, but I don't want to come off,

like when I ask questions, I don't want to come off like I'm judging because I'm not, it's just, it's like, it's almost like a different language because, like, I've stolen things from stores and stuff,

but talking about a dick getting hard because you're going to go raw about a drug dealer. I'm like, oh, Jesus, I was sitting at home and I was playing poker with friends, or I was fucking, watching cartoons,

and it's like a different language. It's nothing I'm proud of. But at that time, what was that going to do? I remember, like, I remember being bad, going to Colorado, getting my half, halfway together, my life halfway together, you know, going to prison, getting married, starting comedy, trying to get my daughter back. And I was in that cusp, in that mind cuss. I'm going to be a comedian. I got to keep a day job for a while. And then I went back to New York.

get my mind back in my heart and my balls after the divorce. I was lost. And I went back and I hooked up with my friend Rago. Riga was a 24-hour hustler like me. And I got a job and I remember getting the car, going to do shit with him

and feeling like what the fuck am I doing? But in the back of my heart I always felt like I was a piece of shit anyway. I had no self-confidence. I had nothing. So I don't know and I'm happy I got comedy

I'm happy I got something else to take me off that because I was still a criminal with comedy up to like 98 and 99 I was still getting trouble I was still doing fucked up things but the comedy store had straightened me out but yeah to

to get in the car and knowing that you're gonna go fucking put a gun out or kick a door down it's you know I think of my open mic career I used to another thing that people don't know about me in New York, up in Harlem and shit like that, up in 178th in all those areas, in the early 90s or whatever, I found that from a junkie friend of mine that if you stay sold, they bought aspirins and they bought yeast infection medication and they paid top dollar for it in Harlem. So if you ever got bumped into it cases of that, you robbed a truck and it had medical stuff like that that you buy the pharmacy,

that all those pharmacies on 178th Street bought yeast medication and aspirin, Tylenol, Tylenol, PM. They couldn't just buy it from a distributor? They did, but they rather buy it if you had it hot. It's like if I come to you right now with a fucking Apple computer, and I go every month I got Apple's dog. The 800 new, I got them for four. You're going to buy them from me.

Okay. Okay. So, especially if you're a wholesaler, a retailer. So I used to go to fucking Fort Lee dressed in a suit when I sold cars and I was a comedian. And my first open mics were like at stand-up New York and New York Comedy Club and the downtown comedy club. This is 90 fucking three guys. You know, and I'd see Chappelle on stage and Nick Capollo and Felicia Michaels. But in the daytime, I would wake up.

I lived with George. And I would wake up and I had a bag, a black suitcase that looked like I was a businessman. I was no businessman. I'd go into Fort Lee. They had a into that mall. I'd walk like a mile with hunger. No breakfast. No fucking lunch.

It was toothpaste and fucking listerine. That's it. And I put my suit on. I'd walk, you know, whatever it was, three quarters of a mile to Fort Lee. I'd go into that, whatever that supermarket was. They had great lobster bis soup on Fridays.

And the security wouldn't come on to like eight. It'd be like 6.30. Oh. And I would go to the things. And on top, they would have the full cases of the aspirin and the yeast infection medication. And I would put cases in the suitcase.

And I would have like six. 60 cents for a coffee and I'd buy a coffee and walk out with, you know, and I'd walk over the George Washington Bridge into 178 when the people were opening and I'd sell them this and get like 50 fucking dollars. 50 fucking dollars. And I'd go buy a $20 bag of weed and I'd eat a good breakfast and I'd go sell cars. And then I would fucking go sell cars like 9 o'clock. I joined a boxing gym on 42nd Street. It was like on 48th Street and Broadway. I had a locker for an extra $5 you got a lock,

and I would put jeans in there that smelled like rotten ass from walking around the city and a t-shirt, and I would switch my suit into a t-shirt and then take that clothes and take a bus or a train to go do comedy. And then at the end of the night, I would come back to the boxing gym, go back into a suit,

go into Fort Lee, New Jersey, wash my shirt before I go to bed and snort Coke until 3 in the morning, sleep three hours, and then do the same thing all fucking over again. I think that's why the people and other people have said it like oh you're making up your background

it's because these kids have spent they're on Twitter and they've only done it in Grand Theft Auto just like that that just sounds terrible to me it's a terrible living I'm not a shit I'm not fucking embarrassed by it I had to do it the whole

but remember what kept me alive comedy do you follow me the threat of this was that comedy was keeping me alive I knew that that would stop because I knew that the more I got on stage the funnier I would get and it took fucking 20 years but my point was correct it took three or four years to get off the crime but at my point was

correct the comedy fueled me you know sometimes you're doing a job and you you're putting a toilet and you're fucking unhooking the toilet and you could smell people's pissing whatever and as you move in the fucking toilet you think to yourself I really want to quit but what else would I do but if you did comedy or if you were an editor or if you had a dream taking that toilet would be a lot easier because you know that the end was coming. The end is coming. I don't have to do this shit no more.

So that's the difference is that towards the end I knew that the more I got on stage, the funny I would get. But that's the price I paid me. I had a fucking job making it. At that time, I had to come up with child support and two fucking rents. Oh, yeah, for your wife.

I was coming up with Boulder's rent? No, no, where I was living. Plus, I was helping Georgia's grandma. Plus, I was snorting my addiction. and I was delivered, you know, I always had a fucking angle. Like on Saturdays, like if I had a day off in those days and I was a con, and I was 30-something years old, if I had the fucking day off, I would work at Ashways

and fucking deliver sandwiches or do caterings for that motherfucker for no money. You know, so I know the price of pays. This wasn't just fucking easy. But I knew that no matter what I did, I know a lot of people stuck in their fucking jobs today, and they're like, oh, this job sucks. I wish I was in California smoking dope. You know what?

This job, I can make it. easier for you by having a fucking dream. That's the only way I can make that easy by knowing that this, I'm not going to be doing this when I'm fucking 50. When I'm 29 or when I'm 38 or when I'm 45, I'm going to be in Michigan or in Chicago doing comedy and then a year later, I'm going to be in fucking California. That's all I know. That's how I fucking measured this, you know, that this is going to end someday. That shit you can't plan for, like my daughter, you can't plan for that shit. What's going on, cocksucker? Get the, a reef already. It's Monday morning.

A beautiful motherfucking day to be alive here in Los Angeles. This is windy. I don't have much on the agenda today. What do you got going on, Lee? You said... Just work? I told Lee I was bringing it open. No more banana bread. Oh, I got... Oh, fuck. On Wednesday, we ate it. And I took two small pieces,

and I got to work about an hour after the podcast ended. And I was stoned. Like, I just sat in my office and did... For the first few hours, I couldn't even do anything. I was petrified. And in my I was like, all right, if I get there, because I got to work early, and I sat in my car in the garage, and I fell asleep in my car, and I was like, if I get upstairs, I'll go into my office, and I'll just, I'll be fine. Of course, I use an office that an editor uses, and I have to wait until they leave to go in, so I got there, and of course, that's the day he took half an hour to leave, so I was standing out in the hallway, freaking out, because I was stoned out of my mind, just waiting for someone to leave, and I was like, everyone knows, and I was, I had, when I got there, I saw in my rear rear rear mirror that my eye,

were like slits. I had to go into the bathroom and splash water on my face and force myself to like open my eyes. I had to think about it. Like open your eyes, open your eyes, open your eyes, open your eyes. I'm going to give you a breathing. No more banana breath

for a while. Maybe next week. Maybe next week. That's quite a breather. Maybe next week after Columbus, after the Super Bowl and shit, we'll get you back. No, I'm done with that shit for a while. I told you I used to get the fucking loaf, bro. You can't live like that. You can't live like a shudder. I was living like a shudden.

I was eating that, writing for two minutes, and passing out. Then get up. I'd have to take a shower, comb my hair all over again. It's a fucking nightmare. I can't do it. I hope you motherfuckers are combing your hair, washing your balls. It's a big Monday. It's a biggest Monday your fucking life.

Get out there. Tea bag somebody. I don't give a fuck what you got to do today. Make it good. Make it stick. Put some music on for mealy. I got to get some. Two steps ahead of you. Hold on.

Got no music. People's supposed to be calling. Nobody's fucking calling. You're killing me here, Lee. I'm in Columbus, Friday and Saturday. Four shows. Don't play fucking games, all right? I don't know what the number is.

The number is 614-471-5-6-53. The Columbus phone and Monday, Friday and Saturday. Then the next Thursday, the seventh, I'll be at the San Jose Imprope. Don't forget about me. And while I'm at it, let me tell you some. I got sick on fucking Wednesday. You know, like I got started getting sick on Tuesday morning, so I went to acupuncture. And she cut me and she did the anti-flute thing.

Then I went to the nerds with all those dirty fucking hippies down there with all those dirty nerds. And I got some in my throat. So I went home then and then I blasted. That's why I didn't go down to, I had a work Thursday morning on a TV show. Thursday night, I didn't go down to the improv because I didn't want to get even sick and it was going to rain all fucking day. So I blasted some vitamin C. And I took some, you know, want me to tell you when the fucking?

flu really took a deep turn. I took a handful of Shroom Tech, the immune. I took a handful of those fucking things. And I drank a can of fucking freshly squeezed pineapple juice that my buddy's got. This pineapple juice is delicious. Anyway,

I drank that. I went to bed. I got up. I was fine. No more temperature, no more nothing. That fucking Shroom Tech. That Shrude Tech fucking works. And I should... Now I'm taking it every day. I took two this morning. Fuck it. Every day I'm taking that shit. especially during the thing. And that's why I started promoting.

I spoke to Aubrey about it. I met with one of the guys from Omnick, the president of Omnick, on Friday at a hotel. We talked in the afternoon. He was telling me, try that fucking Shroom Tech like two weeks ago.

So I'll tell you what, if you're not doing nothing, prepare for the flu, because another flu's coming in and they say the hand sanitizer don't work and you'll be shitting blood and coughing and turning into a fucking zombie. So go on on it right now,

Onet.com. Get yourself a strong bone, get yourself to hemp force protein shake, and get yourself to the, the immune or the new mood or don't get the strong bone if you're not a fat fuck like me and you're not running don't get the strong bone but get

the new mood the new mood fucking works too I'll tell you what man I usually don't take a lot of shit like this I used to just take like multivitamins like you know over the counter and then my brother Eddie Bravo turned me on to a vitamin got somebody called oh shit what's the story

oh shit oh shit right here with my main man the flying Jew Lee Syatt, who we got on the fucking phone? Who we got on the phone? Stevie Simone. Oh, shit. Not Stevie Samones.

Philadelphia's Stevie Samoam. Before Sylvester Stallone. You know what I'm saying? The Samones were there before the fucking Stallones. You know, that's what I want to name my kid. If I ever have a boy, I want to name them Sylvester Simone. I like that. I like that.

Tell the people who the fuck you are and what you're doing. How long we've been running together? Uh, well, I'm a stand-up comic, and I met you back at the comedy store back in September of 2000. When did we do the Dice Angry Bad Boy tour? Me, you, Bobby Lee, and Jim Norton. When did we do that? That was probably right after September 11th? Was it after September 11th or before September 11th?

No, it was after. Wow. It was asked. And that's when I read. And that's when we met the infamous RJ who fucking hooked us up. Yeah, dude, that guy was the greatest, like straight out of a movie, the best. Tell him about RJ and what our adventures of RJ's. Oh, shit, hold on a second, Joe.

Five alarms on my phone to wake up for you. All right, I like it. R.J. was a professional gambler. That was killing it in Vegas. He was on the streak of the lifetime. and he was kind enough to, you know, give me $2,000, like it was nothing.

He gave me $3,000 one night, or $2,000. He gave us both $2,000. Then he gave us like another $1,000. We went to eat with him one night, and we didn't have to suck his dick, correct, Steve someone? We'd have to lick his balls

or take pictures, whack it off. This motherfucker-out and have laughs. It was amazing. Remember he fucking, we used to do the show, and then he bought dice and escalate. Yes. Yeah.

He had millions of dollars in chips on the table. On the table. Remember, he took us to a Chinese place one night, and then we went to a place, and a security guard came with a gun and a little fucking thing of chips, and he played for like a half hour. He won $60,000.

He gave us all like a grand. I was pissed because I couldn't get blow. Here I got a pocket full of money and no blow. What the fuck? I just couldn't believe it. I remember him letting me hold a chip. I was like, wow, $5,000. And he goes, look again, kid.

And it was a $50,000 chip. It was crazy. He had $3 million that time in the chips. He walked in. Like the security guard came, he had his own personal private room where he took us. It was amazing.

You had, both of us didn't have cars. Nope I mean It was just another Fucking dimension of life Man We came back like Wow you're not gonna believe

This guy gave us Two grand Three grand Yeah it was Unbelievable It was Like even now When I tell people

That story They don't You can sort of tell They don't really believe it Remember he paid the guy Two grand just to put his name On the fucking gazebo Yeah

On the billboard Or it's a giant Billboard It's a Dyson RJ outside of the casino. And then he went to war with Dice. He went on Stern and said Dice was... I never knew any of that.

What happened? I don't know. He went on Stern and said Dice was the fuck. I don't even remember what happened. And he wanted me to go on. And I said, no, I love Dice. You know, I remember one thing about that tour. And the one thing I remember is how much you and I love Dice.

I mean, we fucking love Andrew. We love it. I was so lucky when Andrew called. my house and said you want to go to Vegas and do a couple of shots I mean that to me meant more in the longest yard at the time it was everything it wasn't even about the money it was just having dice calling you at the house asking you to go on it was me you and happy face and yes the coolest like the one thing I left about I still love about I love the fact that uh like I grew up a big fan of his comedy but you know he's like a family guy like I couldn't

believe like I would memorize his comedy albums and then here I am going over to his house on a Sunday afternoon for a family barbecue back on his kids were small. It was crazy. I remember taking his special and playing at the halfway

house New Year's Eve and people had no fucking idea and here we were hanging out with him in his sweet drinking cranberry juice listen to stories. It was just fucking mind-boggling man. And you know what you? Yeah, I remember remember he had the Sinatra

sleep? Yes. It was like three levels, old school Vegas. That was the craziest thing in the world. They were like, yeah, this suite was built for Frank Sinatra. I was like, oh my God, what am I feeling here? I took the bus. I remember taking

I remember taking the bus and then a limo picking us up and driving it to the airport. I'm going to what the house all my life. Remember he had a house in Vegas at the time? Mm-hmm.

Remember? Yeah, he used to have a house in Vegas at the time. Simone, you're still at the store? You're still making it happen? We're going to work together in Brea on February 28th or March 2nd. You're on the bill with me with DiAgostino Zoyder. Thank you. So that's going to be so much fun. And, you know, like I said, I've known you for a long time. I haven't watched you, but I hear nothing but good things. I know that Dan at the improv loves you.

and you're in the same limbo I had 10 years ago. You can headline, but none enough credits to fucking headline and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So we're going to get you on the fucking board. You're a funny guy and a loyal,

badass Philly. Remember when you gave me the thing of cookies from Philadelphia? I ate those things for fucking a month. I gained 18 pounds. I was cursing you. Terminies cookies. Some of the best Italian cookies.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I've known Steve Simone for a long fucking time. and it was great. You came by the y' night, and we bumped into each other at the Sherman Oaks Rouse. That was fantastic. That was one,

I can't thank you enough for that. Like that sense of, I went for that shit, like that sense of family, and just wanting into you, you're like, let's cook some steaks. It was delicious. I got to see the baby.

I got to see Terrier. Yeah, just like that. We just bumped into each other. I was at Rouse, my wife was like, the baby, uh, if you're going to whatever,

and I went somewhere, and I went to Rouse. I go, let me go to Raup's and get the salad. We didn't have the shit to make the salad. We were going to make a great arugula salad. And she goes, I'll go to Raus tomorrow. I'm like, fuck it.

I'll just go to Raus at 3 o'clock. What do I give a fuck? I'm dying and do something. And also I hear somebody go, oh shit, as I'm walking into Raup. And that's the Jewish Rouse. And Sherman Oaks, that's where you see the Jews with the Hamikas and shit, the Yamikas. Bad a one came up to me.

He knew who Lee was about a week and a half ago. Me and my wife were in there. And the guy's like, man, I love you and the flying Jew. He had a little Yamakon. He left, came back with a camera and made the Rouse. People take a picture of me and him with a camera. I told him, we're going to give you a shout out. So he's a little flying Jew from Sherman Oaks and shit.

But that's a good rouse up there in Sherman Oaks. Remember the butcher helped us? He taught us how to marinate the steaks and everything. Yeah, the best. And you remember that really heavy guy that was telling us the stakes that he liked? Yeah. Everybody was being friendly that day. We had a good time.

Then went back to the house. We marinate the stakes. We watched the UFC and the baby watched the whole fucking time. she didn't say a boo she just sat there like a soldier unbelievable she's adorable how big was that joint I had outside it looked like a movie prop it didn't even look real

like something from like a cheesy John movie I totally this guy gave me that joint Friday night at Flappers and with the size of a black fucking dick that's what it looks like it's Monday cops seconds what he got on what he got going on Steve?

I just feel like a winner waking up this early to call into your show. Now that I'm awake, I'm going to take this momentum. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to get some writing done. I'm going to swing by the store tonight. It's going to be a good week. Call me at lunchtime. I'll be around.

Yeah, and that would be fantastic. Maybe I'll make chicken cutlets or something. All right, do something. Maybe you can stop by the studio and meet Lee and hook up with Lee and we'll fuck around over here. Lee loves you too. Say hello, Cogucker. Hey, Steve. What's up, Lee?

All right, yeah. I'll give you guys a call around lunchtime. All right, give me a call. We'll wake Lee up by that time. We'll get them all fucked up. Fantastic. You guys are right around the corner. All right, so.

I love you, Steve, Simone. Have a great day. Stay black, baby. Love you. All right. I saw you home up. No, no, fuck that shit. Another fun-filled, motherfucking Monday of the church of what's happening now.

Like I was telling you, get some new mood. You get a little, uh, uh, what was the other one we're talking about, cock suck? Shroom Tech immune. Shroom Tech and get that flu, because the new. The newer flu is coming. Go to Onit.com, go to the box. And when you order on the checkout, press Church. Or Matt Flav, I don't know which one is.

It's Church. It's Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Get to it. It's Valentine's Day. You can get them out. And then next week we're going to start having cherries berries on this motherfucker for all you stoners.

Let me tell you thing. Cherry's berries comes right to your fucking house in the box. They something like 12 or 13 chocolate cup and fucking strawberries. Whatever you desire. You understand me? You smoke your number? You wash your pussy. You got on the couch.

You're throwing Sons of Anarchy season two, and you sit there, you scratch your fucking nuts, and you eat chocolate-covered strawberries. Who's better than you? When you open those, you think you're going to have one or two? I'm so stoned right now. If I had those, I would have the entire one. No, no, no.

Everybody on this K-load, and listen, I think they're like three points with the chocolate. So if you eat two of them, you just got to do an extra fucking half-hour cardio. All right. Nobody fucking dies here. Go to Onet.com. Go to Onet.com.

Go to Onet today. You want to have the... Even your chick. It's Valentine's Day. She's going to yoga. I got stiffness in my back. I don't want to suck your dick because my knee hurts. You give them two fucking on-knits.

It's all over there. Limba. You can pick them up by the fucking hair. Everything is beautiful. You understand me? A little new mood for yourself with the Triptophan and all the shit in there and switch it up with the strong bone immune or the strong bone. Shroom tech?

No, well, Shroom Tech. I'm sorry. Is it Shroom Tech immune and sport? What with the immune during now, during the fucking business? flu season, you won't be sorry. I'm here. I'm doing jumping jacks. I'm going to the gym today. I'm smoking dope with Lysayat. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I'll be in Columbus. February 1st and 2nd, 614-471-5-6-53. Jill Himitsu's got the fucking webpage up over at Dead Squad. That's Quad, Connecticut. I'm with you, motherfuckers. I love all you cock-suckers. Testicle Testaments

4 is still on. We'll be at the Ice House. We're going to have a special live church of what's happening now taping me Lee Syatt in March some time at the ice after shit's going on. Shit's going to happen when tape is special. We're doing a lot of fucking things. I'm coming to your town. I'm coming to Lexington Kentucky. I'm coming to fucking I'm coming. Stop fucking bugging me. I'm coming.

We've got saliva all over my face. I'm going to go home. I've got to stop and get eggs from my wife. I love you, cocksuckers. Have a great day. We'll be back Wednesday with some great fucking guests. I think I'm going to have my doctor call up and talk about sleep at me and break it down. Oh, cool. Because a lot of people have been hit me up and sleep at me. I love you guys. Have a great week. What do you got from me?

Do you like taking all too hard by Genesis? Is that a good one? I've never heard it. I want you to play something that's funky to send them off and you hit me with something that's unknown. You said Genesis. I don't know. But Genesis ain't. I just said that for these guys, hit me something funky. Get me something with some fun. Now you're in a bind that. You want to hit me with Genesis. I don't know. How about fucking, just go back to Peter Gabriel. Go back and Cuck Sucket. All right. Do you want to do a different song or same song? Same song. I mean, we had biggie hypnotize.

You want to go hypnotize? Sure. Go ahead. There you go. I'm trying to... I'm trying to fucking up. I'm trying to... I'm trying to mix it up, man.

It's Monday. Why are you fucking up flow for? I'm not fucking up for. I'm trying to mix it up. Who loves you, Lee? Lee Syed at Twitter, the flying Jew, Joey Cocoa Diaz. Have a great day, man. I love you guys. Thank you for watching.

Let me see if Uncle Joey. Give me one good wig. Oh, E, E, boo. Oh, E. Hey, man, good book, man, dead right, is the hand bride, bigie there, and I, Papa been smooth since days are under rules, never lose, never choose to, Bruce Cruz, too, do something to us, talk to me, do us, girls who are to us, want to do us, screw us, yeah, Papa and Pump,

close like Starsky and Hutch, stick to clutch, yeah, I squeeze three at your cherry M3, bang every MC, easily, easily, easily, recently, recently, Bigger's front ain't saying nothing. So I just speak my peace. Come on.