The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #014 - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live

Episode Date: November 2, 2014

Comedian Jimmy Abeyta joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt Live at the Ice House Recorded Live 10/29/2014

pull the mic out. Just sit down, please. What are embarrassing me. Right away. Everything we do, he tells me we're not going to talk about it. We're not going to plan it. There's always a problem. He thinks that you'd just push a button.

Did you see a problem? Did you guys see a problem? Yeah, the quarter is after on the mic stand. That's all you got to do. Then you go over like a debate. Your wing is up. You're yelling that. I have a question for you.

I feel like a Republican. What the fuck guy? Don't be yelling at me. I have a question for you. What? Would you rather have a guy with Ebola next to you? Or a guy with hummus on the plane? Ebola.

That's how much I hate fucking hummus. I'd rather have the guy on hummus puke on my fucking leg before I have some guy eating crackers with that faggy look on their face, and not eating Ebola, but eating hummus. You know, when people eat hummus, like, we're men. We fucking eat, we eat. If something falls, let it be there.

But you've been watched those fucking motherfuckers that eat like a cracker, and then take a napkin and wipe the sides of their mouth. And you want to go over and just look them in the eye, would you suck my doth? dick when you're finished. Because you know, they'll break down. How'd you know? I know, because with the little napkin,

guys just let it fall. He used a fucking sleeve, all right. What's with the little napkin over here on the side? Get it together. You're making this week. I saw my least favorite guy in North Hollywood on the other day. Who? I saw him at the gym. He's this white dude who skateboards, made me remember. In the gym, on the elliptical,

he wears a gray beanie, like a winter hat. And I saw him skateboarding the other day by your house. I was like, I hate that guy. You should have fucking, you should have invited him over. That's how you kill somebody. You invite him over. Why fuck around on the street?

Invite him over. You want, are you hungry? Come on. But doesn't that make you an instant? No, they came over. It's your word against them. They pulled a knife from the kitchen. I don't know what it was. He was eating cheese whizz and he went fucking bananas.

You stabbing the neck. He goes down. You down the night and went, I don't know what the fuck happened. He came in my house. He started talking about Puerto Ricans. I don't know if I can go to your house again Not you, I wouldn't kill you, you're a nice guy There's no sense in killing you

I mean somebody you hate You invite him over You stab him Or you fix the stairs So he goes through the stairs Something you booby-trapped the motherfucker You guys Use your imagination

You know, I'm in the fucking sit here And tell you how to kill somebody What's wrong with you people? You basically did No, but you know This is like an imagination type thing This is my friend kills somebody like them When we were kids, he would always fuck around with us.

If you're going to kill somebody, invite him all at the house. This went on from the time I was eight. I used to go to his house, nine, whatever. If you're going to kill somebody, go to his house. I thought he was fucking crazy until he killed somebody in his house. And he shot him six times in the back in self-defense and got away with it. He lost his cop job, but he got his pension. So, you know what I'm saying?

I remember the night that my friends had. Did you hear about what happened? I go, no. And he gave me the newspaper and said, whatever shot a guy in this house, six times in self-defense. Then the cop that found him was like a rookie, and two weeks later he became lieutenant.

Because he said the guy had a gun in his hand. Well, you said that area of Jersey is like the biggest corrupt area ever. Every place is corrupt. You get shot in L.A. If you get shot with a wrench in your hand, is that what they're going to tell eyewitness news? Is that what you think they're going to take KTLA? Any of you people who actually believe this shit in L.A.?

Do you think they got to come on? Hello, Rosa Flores here on the five. Four young Mexicans were coming from the ice house from the church or what's happening, whatever, and they got pulled over, and they pulled a gun and a machine gun out, really. You guys left the ice house with three drinks, and you got a machine gun in you?

You guys just put out, you probably stopped at King Taco and got a taco, and they fucking shot you, like the guy in casino with the fucking sandwich. Remember? He had the fucking sandwich, a chicken cup of a fucking sandwich. Don't fucking tell me my job

Right or wrong I'm not bullshit you Do you actually think any of you Motherfuckers Especially the darker skin Motherfuckers in the room You think if you get pulled over In the 5 and you get out to say

Explain your case and you get shot Do you think they're going to tell your mother Who saw the black lady get beat up On eyewitness news by the motorcycle cop What did that poor fucking black lady do Who saw that by applause Tell fucking ESPN how many times the cop punched her in the fucking head.

Tell him how he had her in a mount and he was hitting her like Tito Ortiz was just fucking punching and she bounced on the paw. Did anybody see a weapon in her fucking hand? Huh? She just had big fucking tits. Why would you punch a woman like that

with big tits? That always comes back to bite you in the ass later, I'm telling you, you can't fucking... So, bro, what do you think they're really gonna tell your parents that you came out of the car on the five? No. They're gonna put some fucking... BB gun in your hand

and tell them that you came out yelling vivus a papa. And then tomorrow your friends will be on the corner with a pole with candles saying how you're a nice fucking kid and you don't even have, and you wouldn't even step on an ant and you can't put it together.

You follow me? And then when the parents start going on eyewitness news saying they killed my son a dude with a black suit and an envelope comes over and says, what was your son doing? Working at Rouse? What was he going to do with his life? Nothing. is 75,000.

Everything all right for a while? Sure. Fuck it, that's it. And that's it. You never hear from the fucking people again. For three days, they're shooting on eyewitness news. Somebody killed my son. Look at the Ebola people in Dallas. The parents to those people, the brothers and sisters. They were yelling. They were saying, these motherfuckers killed our motherfucking brother. But what happened? After three days, they just disappear like everything else.

What happened to the Russian? What happened to the fucking plane went down this summer? What happened? Where is it? Then the Russians shot down a plane and nobody put together. The Russians were out there just playing fucking target practice. Just shooting Taiwan fucking airlines down.

What's that? Malaysian Airlines. What is it? Malaysian. Yeah, whatever. Malaysia? Who's not like shooting American Airlines. If Malaysia Airlines get lost,

oh really? And they proved it. I'm serious. They proved it. The fucking plane got lost. You have anything again? Any of you motherfuckers? Read the paper?

Uh? Come on, I'll wait. Anybody hear of fucking thing about that fucking play? One minute it was in Australia. the next minute was in Puerto Rico, a plane goes down. They find the fucking leg. I'm an old man. There used to be a thing called the Bermuda Triangle.

Everything that went through the fucking Bermuda Triangle disappeared, including Roberto Clemente. Even his fucking plane. They found a tire on that. They didn't find nothing from that tie when he's plane. Those are the Russians going, let's try this fucking, whatever, Malaysia. I'm sorry, all right. Is there a difference? Malaysia, Taiwan?

I mean, it's not like American Airlines. with 167 Americans then they'll be you know they said fuck it let's try it on a plane but nobody else figured that out I'm the only fucking moron in this room okay fucking what's up Lisa yet don't sit there like a fucking Jew

thinking about you know they're sitting like a Jew thinking about interest rates you see I'm like you'd be so proud of me I went about water yesterday I picked the one that was a penny and a half cheaper per bottle I don't want to hear that I did the math in the grocery store

But that's smart, because what they charge you for, how many bottles did you have? 48. 48 fucking bottles. What they charge you for it? Two for five. Two what? Two packs for five bucks. So you got 96?

No, I got 48. I got two 24 packs. Why are you confusing me for one? I didn't mean to confuse you. You like doing math. You got 48 bottles for $5. Right. What's the fucking, what's the price of that all together?

How much per bottle? I don't know. It was a penny and a half or something? The difference I don't remember. Fucking, I'm high now. You give me an edible. You said I gotta deal with? Any fucking real Jew would break it down.

I did. I did the math on the calculator. Per unit cost, per unit retail, per unit wholesale, what the guy made, how much he's trying to get off. There's no Jew pays anything. If you ever see fucking Jews and Indians, they don't pay the cost on the sticker. Not the fucking boo-boo, the other ones.

The ones that seven-o-level nose is... They negotiate everything. Watch them in a store. Not the boo-woo. The thing says a dollar. They'll go up with $0.75. I'm offering. There ain't no fucking offering.

There's America. He used to... He pays me every month, and he used to, if I didn't cash it that day, he'd be like, I'm going to cancel it right now. What do you hold on for a check for? Somebody gives you a check, you bang that motherfucker out. Asap, okay? Whether you got $10 million in the bank,

the $10 in the bank because you never know what could happen. Why fuck around. Austin I get hit by a car. My account gets closed. Fucko. He's got a check at home. He's going to call the house. Joey gave me a check. He just died. Fuck you.

Always cash a check. That's the number one. Don't fuck around. I don't care if you. By the Hollywood one, go to that place on Witset. It's tremendous. And then he calls me like five times a day. At least one of those times during the week, it's going to be like, when was the last time you checked your bank account? You got to check your bank account.

There's pirates out there, you know what I'm saying? You're a King Taco. What do they do with those credit cards? They save them? They sell them to fucking Mexico. Next thing you know, you're buying a cruise to fucking Colombia for 18 people. And you're saying, I never even went to fucking, yeah, that's what happens. When you use your ATM card, your information goes out there.

And every day, people get fucking mugged. Nobody ever got mugged. You go to eat something, and all of a sudden they come back, your thing bounced. I just came from the fucking bank. What do you mean that the credit card? And all of a sudden you call and you got zero balanced and you find out some kid water fucking radio in Atlanta? That never happened to you, fucko?

No, I've never had anybody buy a boom box. I had somebody buy clothes once. Okay, well, same fucking difference, ladies. You said I got to deal with people? You give me the edibles. You're going to have to deal with this. You see why I smoke weed for people. Oh, my God.

His wife got mad at me the other day for he keeps saying yes. She said, I had to say no more to the edibles. And he just started laughing. My wife, no, I don't know dick. All right, my wife's at home with a baby watching Tarzan singing songs with the fucking two-year-old. Why he listened to my wife? All right, don't worry.

A woman has a child. My wife's head is somewhere else. And I love it. She don't say shit, you know. She don't even pay attention. There's a baby in the house. My wife don't give a fuck no more. I could be there on fire.

And she wouldn't give a fuck. It's all about the baby. I don't blame me. I don't give a fuck about me either. You know what I'm saying? That's why my wife said that to you. She's like, no, just say no. My wife don't even know what the fuck you said.

I made my wife eat edibles twice. What the fuck is she said? What happened? I got her corner. She was fucked up. I made a smoke cash, and I fucked her up at the wedding. At the wedding? I made a smoke cash, and then one time she was fucking around at the house,

and I made her a piece of banana bread. Because my wife watches TV, and she gets into it. I should watch CNN, and you can see her like... I'm like, turn that shit off. Look at the fucking shape of you. For what? You believe this shit? But, you know, you know how Gentiles are there?

What happened with the banana bread? What happened when she had the banana bread? She fucking, when I left and when I came back, she was fucked up. Her eyes were red. She was barefoot. This fucking chair was kapuz. Do you know that? I've been sitting here rocking.

You want another one? No, I'm all right. I was just sit in the horse dance for the rest of the fucking night. Nobody caught that. No martial artists, didn't here? A fucking horse dance, cocksuckers? Sorry about these guys.

I don't know what happened. The chair was fucked up. And they hear me to me fucked up. Don't think I fucking broke it. You motherfuckers are sitting there going, Joey, you're a little big now. The chair was fucked up when I sat in that shit.

I don't know how to judge people. You people ain't fucking special. Did you ever break a chair? Huh? Have you ever broken a chair? Thousands of them. For some? Thousands of them.

And let me tell you something. Once I start hearing the crack, I just ride it out. I take my chair. Oh my God, there's a new chairs. Really? I didn't know. For some reason, he has freaking, like, deck furniture on your deck. You have, like, the plastic ones.

And when I was bigger, I wouldn't sit on it. Because I'd wiggle and wobble every time I sat on it. I broke like two of them. I broke two of them. They just cracked up on a pan. The best person I ever seen broke furniture was Ralphie Mae. We were at Burke Price's house doing a podcast, and Ralphie Mae was fucked up.

We gave him like 15 edibles. He was just fucked up. We kept telling him there was salami sandwiches, but that was like medical marijuana, salami and bread and mustard. And he was smoking a vapor, and we were doing bongets. and I could see his eyes were closing so we got up to walk out of Bert's

fucking man cave and we made a right and we're walking and you have to avoid the baby's furniture he has like two young girls you know like where kids drink tea and shit oh this is so nice it was like a kid's table and me and Bert are walking out first

and all of a sudden we're here and we look down every chair was broken and Ralphie was sideways like he was at the beach he's like man I don't know what happened. I know what fucking happened. So I couldn't

laugh because he was my buddy. You ever been with a friend and he falls really funny? And you're dying to laugh, but you can't. You have to laugh. And you just hold it in. And you're dying for him to crack a joke so you can let that laughter out and blame it on that joke. You follow me? So I got up,

I couldn't, you know, because I used to hang out with Ralphie when he used to fall all the time. One night he fell on sunset and Gardner, and I just walked away from him. Because there was cops on the corner. You touch like a guy that arrest you, so I said, fucking leave him there. And he couldn't get up. He was struggling.

And I just lost him. Like, he just tripped. And you know when you're talking to somebody? Like, yeah, I knew the fucking motherfucker. I was like, I was going to stab and I was saying, you're like, yeah, and you look at him. Like, what happened? And I look back and Ralphie's on his back. He's kicking him. He's like, help me up, help me up.

I'm like, fuck you. The cops shook me down. They got a fucking weave for trying to help somebody. I'm no good Samaritan. You told me Ralphie was at a Jewish deli and they put ants on a sandwich? Dog, we were at Green Blots. We were at the last factory, we went to Green Blots. We were on a Green Blots Quartz Quake. They got a nice rose beef sandwich at Green Blotch with some pickles and shit.

The rest of this shit's overpriced, but when you're stoned, fuck it. You go to nine bucks. You just look the next day. You go, fuck it, I spent $9 on a sandwich or whatever it was. So we had a rose beef sandwich. And when I'm talking to him, he had a half because it comes in two, like on a row. and he was eating it, and you can see the ant on his hand going back and forth.

This is true story. And I go, Ralphie, there's an ant on your hand. He goes, what the fuck? And all of a sudden he picks up the sandwich and there's like three more ants running around. He calls the waitress over, the waitress goes, what the fuck? There's ants. He goes, oh my God.

She goes, look, check the other one. He looks at the other one. He goes, oh, no, it's all right. When we got the bill, they only gave him half the sandwich off. He was like, what the fuck is doing? this. He goes, take that off. Look, I didn't even eat the other sandwich. It was disgusting. I just want to act in my fucking food. So, sometimes you pay good money and listen, eat at home, people. I just finally found that out. Listen, you can eat at home everything except sushi.

I ain't going to sit at home and eat raw fish. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. At least if you get your shit blood, you could sue the fucking sake place, you know. You're at home cooking fish by yourself. And all of a sudden you're shit blow. Who are you going to sue? How often do you shit blood? Huh? How often do you ship blood? Why so weak? I never shit blood.

I forget. You wipe your ass with fucked up papers sometimes. One day. Some people, some hotels, you know, they're supposed to be nice hotels, like a best west in the fucking paper. It's made like from trees from underwater and shit, with splinters and shit.

It's like special fucking toilet paper for fags. Did you know that? Fags want splinters in their ass? They do. They have special toilet paper, little dicks, and the side for ass. That's what somebody was telling me one time. I don't know if it's true. I'm not homophobic. I'm just dropping. What's up, dog? How are you doing? Tell how many pounds you lost? 65.

Oh, fuck. Look at it. How many pounds did you lose juicing? I lost 70, but I gained it all back plus 15. Did you feel better juicing or doing what you're doing now? I feel better. It's quicker then. So it's like, I've done it for like almost five months now and it's taken a while. But it's going to last longer.

Plus, juicing sucked. People keep asking me what kind of juice I used on Twitter. And I always tell them, don't do it. It's a good part of a diet, but I fasted for 30 days. And I had to stop because my leg, I couldn't feel my leg. It was like tingling. Because the juice is so bad that like halfway through it would only make like one juice every three days.

I fucked up. I fucked up because I didn't tape room when he was juicing. When I go over there, this part was just sucked out. He looked like Matthew McConaughey in Dallas fucking right.

His eyes were all sucked out. And I go over there. What's up, Leah? Everything's fine, man. And he drank the juice in front of me. And you can see it tastes a like fucking dick. He'd be faking it. Like, oh, this is great. I can't even, I've almost thrown up a couple

times because I keep trying to do it. But whenever you I'm an idiot. Whenever you watch a documentary, I immediately believe all of it. So they have that fat chicken nearly dead and the guy loses 100 pounds in 27 days and you're like... What is he now? Do a documentary

now. He's probably even a double double. No, he just... No, and that fucking thing tastes like dick. I'll never fucking juice again. Fuck it. I'd rather die than juice again. I didn't get for I'm not a fad guy. I'm not going to fall for fads no more guys. That's all do in this country every six weeks. Remember

10 years ago was the fucking pomegranate juice. You're going to live through one. Where's pomegranate juice today? They're giving it away now. It was $22 of fucking glass 10 years ago and shit. And now where the fuck it? Now it's coconut water. Oh my God. Oh my God.

I can't tell you the express over coconut. What about fucking fuck yourself. What about Felipe on Monday? What about Felipe on Monday with the vegan wedding cake? Listen, I just got over that vegan shit Because I tell you what really irritates me

Okay, I understand you're a vegan But if you're going to invite 100 people to your wedding How many these motherfuckers are going to be vegans Because if there's more than eight vegans, that's a stinky fucking wedding dog Eight vegans in a room You can smell their feet and their neck You ever smell a vegan's neck? Guys, normally when a podcast is over, Joey's out of there in like 10 minutes.

Him and Felipe stayed for like half an hour. Still talking about it. I almost turned the recorder back on. I was living. I went home, woke my wife up out of a cold sleep. She's like, what is it? Let me tell you what that motherfucker's doing? She's like, what motherfucker?

I was like, Felipe's having a vegan fucking wedding. I told Paula's mom. I was upset. She was pissed off. I was really upset. Because how many people. going to go to the fucking vegans. How many vegans do you people

know? I don't want you vegans to think I'm on a vegan. I lived in Boulder for 14 years. I was surrounded by vegans. There was a restaurant that I went to that was vegan. And I went in there and I used to get breakfast and I used to get the vegetarian gazpacho. But everything else, I didn't fucking touch in there.

I didn't even go in the hummus section. They had like a stinky hummus section, a regular section. I went to the counter for years. I had the same wages. for like eight years. And I went there, I would get my credit card, and there would be harvest, harvest, harvest, harvest, harvest. So I understand the mind of it,

but how many fucking veggies do you know, especially if you're Mexican? Frigan jackfruit, chorizo. That's when I knew. That's when I saw your face go. Some guy took a great picture, wait for dusk. He took four pictures of your face, and you did this.

Your face for like five minutes. Listen, listen, I don't know if you guys understand this. I'm not 22. And one thing I learned to respect is culture. You got to do certain fucking things, you know? You got to do certain fucking things. That's how I feel, you know? When I got married, I got married to shithole.

I got married to Hollywood Bowl. My wife didn't want a fucking fancy wedding. I'll tell you what we got. We got white rice and black beans and Cuban pork chunks. All right? For Spanish people. And then I got pastrami from Languze for the fucking hard-hitting Jews

in this motherfucker that was shown. Because if you don't take care of the Jews, they ain't never going to come back. You got to take, you got a hat, and then you got to pull them aside and I got your langas

with some nice ripe bread. Like the one Jesus said at the last supper, that's same right bread. Jesus ate pastrami? Jesus had pastrami. What else did I get? I got something else.

I got something for fucking Gentiles. I got like macaroni and cheese. I did something else. That's what it got it. Didn't you go to Ralph for something? Huh? Didn't he go to Ralph's for some? Fried chicken.

Fried chicken from Rouse and shit. And I became friends with the guy, so he made some tremendous fucking chicken. Tremendous. He deep-fried zombie. You know what I'm saying? So we got some fried chicken from Rouse, some pastrami,

and some fucking Cuban food. Who's better than Uncle Joey? All right. Have you guys ever gone to Langas? It's in that fucking horrible, fucking neighborhood. You could buy a bazooka in that park. What's the name of the park, bro?

MacArthur Park. I went in there for a walk one day, thinking like, oh my God, let's look at the ducks. ID, acid, guns, motorcycles, fucking IDs, passports. It was surreal, and it was two in the afternoon. The sun was shining. I can't imagine going down there at night.

In fact, this restaurant, they closed it at night. They closed after four. They know it's a fucking horrible neighborhood. So, but you're just walking around, someone's like, hey, man, you need a passport? They don't even say, hey, man, you need a passport. You just hear something coming from a tree. Because those motherfuckers know how to throw their voice, you understand me?

They could be over here playing with a child. It's not even their child. And all of a sudden, you hear, pst. Pes. Passaporte. And they say it backwards. Passaporte, fake. It's tremendous and I love that.

I love that that exists. When I was a kid, I swear to God, when I was a kid, I was growing up in Jersey, when you played Hooky, you went into New York City and you walked down 42nd Street before Disney took over. In the beginning was just playing people, you know, standing there. But once you got to the Broadway side, that whole corner, you would get for six or seven minutes just bombarded acid, marijuana, nickel bashed, cocaine, perico. Osigo. You get it in 16 fucking languages and you'd make that turn. I remember one time me and my buddies

thought we were gangsters and we bought like five nickel bags and they said don't open it till you get around the corner. Once they tell you that you're doomed. What do you get oregano? We got sex weed, that weed that you get in Playboy and it horns you up and you get all pale and shit. That sounds like regular weed. Whatever, you know, whatever the fuck it is.

It ain't regular weed, all right? It's some other shit. Do you get nervous in those areas? fucking Paula, I got gasped by her house, and she told me it was like the worst part of Inglewood. It's where they're freaking filmed that Denzel Washington movie. I swear to God, what's the name in that movie? Training Day? She lives right off of Malcolm X Boulevard. It's like five blocks from her house. I swear to God. No, Martin Luther King. I don't know the streets in Englewood. I don't know the streets in Englewood. All I know, is anyone here from Englewood?

haven't gotten mugged down there. It's beyond me. Like, those are the worst fucking gangsters ever. They're on her street. I would hide right under your car. Like, when you got to the car, I would just grab your ankle, you would die. It'd be like that scene in fucking Carrie

at the end. When she goes to put the candle and the fucking guy comes out, the hand comes out, grabs her. You would die. They're fucking scary. But you're cool. I'm happy they haven't mugged you, but I can't wait to get the call. No, no, they're They're moving this weekend.

They took my car. On the corner... Oh my God, they drop me. No. Drop me off in Santis. On the corner, there's six black guys who sit on turned over shopping carts, and there's a woman who sells papoosa's as a front.

Cars are... There's more escalades in Inglewood than any other car. It's fucking crazy. There's, like, a 500-pound black dude who rides a motorcycle and has a cop uniform, but they found out as a fake uniform. He's just terrified to drop right around his... his city he's like 500 pound black dude on a motorcycle looking like a cop but his uniform is fake

it's a craziest thing i've ever seen i have no idea what to fucking reply to that a 500 pound guy oh he looks like he's going to explode out of the uniform it looks like that that girl from uh willie wanka who explodes becomes a blueberry oh do you ever see that like that makes you happy you're like being healthier. I saw a guy probably like maybe five years older than me in one of those rascals leaving the store this morning.

And I was like, thank God because I was on that way. That was like three years away. I just hit him with the tip of the carway. Just like with the family. What the fuck are you doing? He falls over. Then he'll go home and go,

it's got to be a better way. I'm going back to walk and I'm doing you a favor. That's amazing that they already sell those and they pre-plan you. Like people are like, you know what? I'm just going to stop walking. I'm done. Like, I don't want to ever walk it.

I'm done. I'm giving up. I'm going to let my legs get fat with veins in them. Oh, they're so scary. With no circulation. Have you guys seen it? My toes get off. Why are you doing this to yourself? Take a walk, you fat fuck.

My joints are. Well, then get roller skates. Do something for your fat fuck. But you're not going to sit there with a scooter. And then they get a little. attitude they're worse than handicapped people like handicapped people get out of you cut me off I don't give a fuck you know what I'm saying you gotta get to the light cuck sucker because I'm sorry about that people it's a bad joke but fucking somebody's

gotta say it I don't give a fuck it's true they everybody's got an attitude now they got to you know they look at you they always everybody looks at you like you're not part of this fucking group like I gotta be there the fucking you know what group I don't know I'm high dog what you asking me question The group, the fucking group, are those people with the scooters. Then they meet at the malls. Those are the worst.

They meet at the malls. No, they don't. Yes, they do. To do what? Yes, they ride around. Well, hell are they? There's a sale on fucking tires. Whatever the fuck they do.

The fucking society is putting these fat people and these seats and shit. You got to get them out fucking walking, dog, getting some sun, vitamin D. Let's say there's 50 years in here. And you all went for a blood tank. test tomorrow. Do you know that half of years would be vitamin D deficient? And the sad thing is we live in California. We live in, how can we be vitamin D fucking deficient? That's

what happens to people who live in Buffalo and Seattle. So next time you doubt, you're smoking a joint and you're sitting there going, I'm going to watch this TV and you look out the window and the sun's out. Fuck it. Go outside. Get some sun. Take your shirt off. You take your shirt off and just go up and say as a man you ever do that like because you're supposed to do that in the beach

but do that way you're not supposed like them like in front do it in the park with the kids not the park with the kids like in front of your house you got like a fucking chair you got a chair

you're sitting there people walking by they're going to school and you take your shirt off and you get like some SPF number fucking and you get a towel because you're going to sweat your balls off and you dry off your tides.

You break a sweat first to create moisture. You bring a towel down because you're going to sweat that much? That's the goal to sit in the sun. So the sun breaks that barrier to bust that first layer sun out. If you sit there like a fucking moot and you put sun tan lotion on

and you get the suntan lotion out without sweating, fucking don't work right. That's how you get fucking cancer and fucking pimples and shit. You want to sweat first, break that fucking top layer out and when your body gets a little hot.

Dog, I'm Cuban. I'm telling you. They got no buildings over three floors in Cuba. That's why some Cubans are darker than others. I'm Cuban. I'm Cuban. Both my parents are Cuban. But the fucking out, Alfia Pew, whatever's fucking name is,

from the Dodgers. He's Cuban too Pueig? Puee! Whatever's fucking name. L. Pugueh. What's his name? What's his name?

Yselle Puee. Right? He's Cuban too. We're both from the same fucking island. Why does he look like that and I look like this? Does anybody know? Because they had no SPF on that side of the island. I had SPF.

So you bust that motherfucker. You bust that little sweat out, then you get the towel, or you jump in the pool or the ocean. You come out, you let the water, the salt hit you, the chlorine, the piss. Because once you get the piss, mix with the water, it works in your favor. Trust me. You ever piss on somebody? Their skin's tremendous. Look at their skin when you're pissed on them.

Let's say you piss on their feet. Their feet are fucking gold. No fungus. no fungi nail, fucking everything's perfect. No cuticles, that's what happens. So if you mix pee with fucking chlorine, water, body odor, and mix it all together, why are we talking about suntan lotion, people? But the great thing is, guys, every, like, month, there's some...

He has theories about this for almost everything. And the sad part is, that pisses me off, he's almost always right. I'm telling you, Pete. It's, like, you'll yell at him. You're not right. He'll have this idea about... comedy or podcast or this guy, this actor, like Shug Knight, got arrested

again today, he's facing 30 to life for stealing a paparazzi's camera in Beverly Hills. He said five weeks ago, that guy's a kiss of death and if you're in a restaurant, he comes in, you walk out. If you don't know that, you're a fucking moron.

Shugnight walks into this building right now. We stop the show. And we walk, I'm telling you, that there's no way. What do you think? What do you think? He started hanging out with that poor soul. Cat Williams. And look what happened to him. He got arrested too.

Listen, he was in the car when Tupac got shot. If you know anything about anything, that guy did some very bad things. I don't know all of them, but I know that he knows who shot Tupac. And he took a fucking life, man. He took a fucking life. And when you take a life like that, you pay for it somewhere. It may not be today. You might beat the cops and co-case and shit.

Right? Co-case won't come looking for you. some little blonde and shit where are you on the night of August 15 in Las Vegas, Nevada where you stand, you know, you never fucking know. I bought the book, I bought the book,

the L.A. Brinks, and it breaks down the murder, how they were connected to the grips or the bloods. I don't know the whole fucking chronological, but I do know that guy's the kiss at that. He was in some car where the spirit fucking went. My fucking friend has a house in Jersey. His brother moved back

from Vegas with some chick that were both junkies. New Year's Day, this bitch committed suicide in the house. Listen, somebody ices themselves in the house. You put a sale sign of that motherfucker. Or you get a fucking, you get a Jew to burn it down to the grunt. Jewish lightning at his best. The black guy from all state, all right. How are you?

Listen, I don't know what happened. I was putting sun tan a little shit hard. Where's my buddy, Jimmy Abeda? Coming to the stage is my guest tonight. I know this guy from my early days of comedy. Mr. Jimmy Abeda Let the middle come back. This is real.

When I started comedy in 91, you know, you had a... I was fucking petrified. They're doing comedy, man. Fucking petrified. And the first time I went up, I took my ex-wife with me, and I bombed for her.

She was the kiss of debt. I knew I had to get rid of her. And like eight weeks later, she was gone. I remember driving home going, I want to do comedy, but I got to get rid of this woman. I really did. I knew that I couldn't do what I wanted to do

married to this woman. I mean, I remember the first time I brought up comedy in the house at dinner in front of her parents. They looked at me like my wife watched CNN. No, that's not for you. You have a family now. Fuck you. Then what?

Do a roofing job, estimate until I'm 65, and then somebody gives me a gold watch five days a fucking week. I got to do something with my life. I'd rather go back to prison, you know? But I started doing comedy And like the third night I got on stage

I had to drive like an hour Which was a show that started at 11 o'clock Guys to me it was like burglarized in the house Walking into this place But all of a sudden I saw a Mexican motherfucker Which is always a good sign

When you're Spanish right When you're cute And you're in Denver We were like in Littleton This is where white people were invented Remember when they Remember when they shot those kids And shit? This is all Littleton

You can see it's a different type of white person and they have like crew cuts and shit, and they drank the Kool-Aid, and we were at this bar, and Jimmy walks in Mexican-style. By himself with a jacket, and a Mexican chick holding on to his arm, and eight of his cousins with the same hairdo.

And I'm like, this is a real Mexican. I'm home. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm gonna be fine. And I went up to him, and I introduced myself, and he gave me his number, and he would call me and give me gigs, and then he got me on the HBO, showcase with Carlos Menciah back in 94 when Carlos before he was getting hot.

So I never forgot this guy. I always kept in touch them over the years. And we just rekindled. We worked together to Denver Improv. I told him 20 years to come to town. He's a funny motherfucker, but this guy's got 18 kids. You know, he's one of those Mexicans. Every time you've got a new kid that's pregnant. Stop it, Jimmy, you can't. How many kids you got?

I got four that I know of. Okay. What's been going on, Cocksucker? How long you've been in town for? I've been here since Thursday, last week. You've been getting on stage, letting motherfuckers know the magic of Jimmy Abated. It's not all the glasses.

Yeah, I just been having fun. I saw the other day, I can't believe this. I saw it out here over on Malrose. Joey, I can't believe it. I saw a hooker with the cane. A hooker with the cane, I said to myself, There's a woman who gets my support because she doesn't let her handicap

get in the way of her job. She got all my support, $50 to be exact. We were at a comedy club a few years ago. This hooker came over with bandages on her head, remember? And you left and I was stated and didn't know she was a hooker. And then she can't, in the bar

she said, did we have a deal? I said, what are you talking about deal? She said, I'll make you feel like the sexiest man alive. And I was like, oh shit, I don't know, I walked out. I called him. He was laughing. I knew she was a hooker. From the minute she sat down, she had bandages on her head.

She was... Her feet were all fucked up. Like she had walked from here to fucking Chicago and back. But here's the beauty of it, guys. Like, I'm a friend to my friend. I love my friends. I really do. I don't have a lot of friends.

But I'm the type of motherfucker that if I see a predicament and it might end up a funny one. Because listen, sometimes you may go out, man, you want to get late, you want to do drugs. But you just have a fun night. Let me just have a fucking fun night that you're laughing the whole way through. You know, you're laughing when your friends pick you up to the bar to get Mexican food later all the way home. You're laughing. You walk in your house.

I didn't get late tonight. But Jesus Christ, I haven't laughed that hard since I was fucking 10, you know? And so he just leaves. It's like, I'm so mad. When I went to the podcast festival, Yoshi came. up and gave me this hardcore porn. And every time I see Yoshi, all I can think about is you leaving him at one of the improvs, and he

gets lost at a drive-through, like fucking ten hours later? So when I saw Lee, this is when I first met Lee, and he was, you know, four years ago, he was very young, you know. If I go out with you and I see that, we can, fuck it, I'll leave you there. I'll leave you there. It's all about the

fucking story, guys. That's it. Trust me, I'm telling you. As you fucking closing your eyes in that casket, You can't take money with you. You can't take sorrow with you. But you're going to think about fucking the nights where you went out with two bucks and giggled your fucking asshole. I knew.

I knew she was a hooker. Thanks for helping me out. And his face got red and shit. And all of a sudden they were holding hands. Once I saw him holding hands. It's true. I was just out here. It was curtains.

I saw a holding hands walking across Lancashim, happy as a motherfucker. I had just moved here. I hadn't had sex in like six months. Oh my God. He was happier than fuck. He's like, L.A. is banging for Lee. He was calling his buddies in the movie. You got to come out of your dog. I'm going to get this chick.

So the next one I call him up, I'm like, does she suck your dick? He was like, she was a hooker. Oh, my God. The best Lee Syed hooker stories were San Jose. What's the oldest girl you ever had? And I keep telling him, what's that?

What's the oldest girl you ever had to suck your dick? oldest? I don't fucking know. I'm talking to you about Lee here. I'm going to suck my dick. I'm the oldest lady suck my dick. I had this 63-year-old one time. I had a food stamps.

She had a bazooka. San Jose was fucked up. He brought me up there and got me high every night. I can't go on the road with you because I don't remember any of it. Because from the minute I won't see him until right after dinner right before the show. from the minute I see him edible edible joint and then people after the show will have it

so he got me super high and we were following Butch Escobar around in Butch was an asshole and told Joey belt red books that hooker thing on your cell phone like the Craigs is for hookers he tormented me the next day he called me about 15 times they were getting a hooker the hooker's there

she's coming up come down and meet her so I didn't know what to do whenever I had sex with the girl I would clean up the room so I cleaned up my hotel room thinking a hooker was coming over. Like she's gonna care and what the room looks like.

When I saw him three hours later, he's like, man, I even made my bed. I'm like, oh my God. Gotta be nice, I don't know. He's don't care what your room looks like. I've never had a hooker. I don't know. I don't want to be rude.

What about the woman in Austin? In Austin on the last night who talked to you for like 20 minutes about this like fetish book she was writing? Oh, my gosh. This lady was like 58. She had just gotten fake tits. You know, you got an A ball of coat.

She had like high heels on. You can see her feet were like 82 years old and shit. She had good legs at one time. She had put something on her legs and makeup and optical illusions. She had a miniskirt on it. She was working an ass league. And she was showing her little tities like, you know, they were banging for a woman at that age.

She's smoking fucking two cigarettes at one shot. And she's talking about fetish books, that she's taking pictures, and she think me and Lee would be models. I don't fucking know what she was saying. I have no idea what this woman was saying. But then she was like, let's get cough, and you're like, I gotta go to the hotel.

And she was like, I'll meet you there. Oh, my God. Me and the opener left, because it was getting weird. She wanted, and you were like, all right, I'll call you later. And what about the woman at Friggin' Morton's, who he called a sexy whore or something, on the way to the bathroom.

On the way out, he said it again. She laughed. This 50-year-old woman went up to him at Morton's and gave her number, gave him her number, and we were going to call them later. He picked up a girl but calling her a filthy savage on the way to the bathroom at Morton's. She's like my mom's age.

I was mortified. You could have. She gave you her number. Listen to me. I'm sitting there, I'm stoned to the gills. I'm at fucking Morton's with this fucking move. You're stoned, you're waiting to get the steak, you're eating the bread like a fucking animal.

You're just putting pieces of butter on it. You don't give a fuck. You're just putting in your mouth and shit. Yeah, because you have to eat half a gummy before you go to Morton's with Joe. Well, that's what you do. You want to build a fucking appetite. Who brings food home? Savage.

Half a gummy. You eat that shit there, cucksucker. Attack. So we're sitting by the fucking, like 10 feet from the bathroom, and I'm eating like an animal. And as I look up, these two, like, mid-age women are walking past me. And you know what, man, whether they were good looking or not, it was a Monday night, who knows?

You know, really, on a Monday night, it was a Monday fucking night, guys. And all I wanted to say was, you look great. My mom always said tell women they look beautiful. You know, you might make their fucking day. So I'm with Lee with stone to the gills And I pop my head up And I see this tour And I go Lee and under my breath

I said something The Lee before him I go watch these two savages Lee or something And the woman's like hi I'm like look at you you You filthy fuck Oh my god Right to her face

Nobody has ever said that to this woman She froze went into the bathroom And came out and gave me her fucking number No, it's even better She went back to her table and came back with the number Nobody had ever figured this woman out Oh my God They thought she was some rich Gentile

From the hills of Burbank And I said something to her She goes, I'm a widower And she said she'd kill that motherfucker with that pussy That's why You're an old freak I guarantee she killed three guys There's some guy in off the fucking

Where do they have crazy people? What's that town? I don't know somewhere close. Does anybody know? No? Okay. Not a crazy town. Gosh, he gave me like three quarters of an edible.

Listen, I used to have a girlfriend that was a stripper. That was a psychology major. So she was trying to get a job in her field. And she worked in Silv Mar. And in Silmar, there's a place where there's crazy people. Don't fuck with me, motherfuckers. All right? I'm no Google Map.

Is this the stripper that still gives hand drops? for a hundred bucks a pop? A hundred dollars of pop, and she'll suck your dick for 200 at this club in Florida. And she called the podcast in the beginning, and she told the story

that she went to the doctor, and she had carpal tunnel syndrome. And the doctor's like, you got it from, you know, working out. And she's like, not really. And then she called me on the way home from the doctor,

and she goes, you want to hear the funniest story ever? Oh, my God. I went to the doctor. And he told me that carpal son-o syndrome. And I thought to myself, not really, it's from giving hand jars for 100 of pop. Listen to me, I dated this girl for four years.

I went to jail twice. You know, I had to put sugar in her gas tank. Didn't you guys hit each other with steaks? You guys were, like, on the side street, like throwing steaks at each other? All, we were trying each other with a steak dinner one night. She had mace in a hand, and I had like a pot roast. It was fucking horrible.

She used to like for me to choke. I mean, it was just a great relationship. But it was just evil. It was just fucking evil. But we remain friends. And she ended up marrying this dude that was like 80, who was terminal, and she got like $2 million. And this chick bought a health...

Curves. Curves. She bought the Midwest region of Curves when it was on the way up and sold it and made more money. and gets when she done. So she walked out there like six mill. Three days a week. She gives hand jobs.

And you ready for this one? She's engaged. And I ask her, does she know? She goes, no, not really, but he don't really care. I'm like, you know, this is why you'll never get fucking married. She's been married twice. The one guy ran over a cop. He had to leave the country.

She has two kids with a guy. He ran over a cop or coked up, and he had to run to Greece. The kids are fucking orphans. the guy's in Greece fucking eating grapes. And he can't come back. I'm not fucking kidding you. This is a fucking story in a hat, bro. Joey, I got in trouble the other night

because I pissed off this gay woman. And I said, it's just comedy. She got all mad at me. All I said was one thing, Joey. I said, if a lesbian has bad breath, is that her girlfriend's fault? She got mad at me. I can't help if she's not a picky eater.

She wants to have a baby eater. crack and eat it too it's not my fault you know how long are you in town for relax how long are you in town for i'm actually leaving uh sunday i know how long you've been doing comedy for 20 years and you're in denver and you love it i love it you're the fucking king of the scene though i love denver you're the fucking main man you're running shit well tell you know it's legal you know it's legal over there manvvra games marijuana is legal over there do you hear about that guy in Denver, we know his league. Did you hear about that guy who went to the football game

and just left and he walked 100 miles to Pueblo and he said because I wanted some fresh air and the cops were saying he's not crazy. He walked 100 miles to Pueblo and slept in like the bushes, he didn't walk no fucking miles. Nobody walks 100 miles to fucking Pueblo. How did he get there? He took a bus. He's lying.

He did something, dog. He did something. He got a hold of some edibles. He got a hold of some edibles. that's what it was. Now, you travel still, a lot. Yeah. Yeah, I've done two world tours entertain troops. Korea, Japan, Hawaii. Look at you and shit.

What's the guy's name? I used to book Hawaii? Kevin, I forget his last name. He stole his money. I used to torment this guy. When are you going to book me? Soon, man. I just got to find the right base

when they like dirty comments. I called this guy for two years. He never gave me a fucking job. Well, why'd you call him a cocksucker? I never call him a fucking cocksett. Yes, you call everyone a coxer. It was so funny. When you guys first start out, especially in Denver, you got two options.

You got this guy, David Tribble, who's missing in here, and he lives in Seattle. And he said, you know what, this guy's had rooms for 35 years. When you go to his rooms and you ask the people to show you headshots, everybody's been through that. From Roseanne Ball to Robert Schimel to, I mean, everybody. This is, he's got everything in Oregon. He's got everything in Seattle. He's got everything in... New Mexico?

No, no. Upboard. The other fucking... Washington. Idaho. Idaho. He's got American home. He's got all in Montana. And the shitty runs. You drive eight hours a day. You sleep five hours.

You drink. They give you half your fucking money. They mail you the rest. You got to sleep in your car. You got to eat subway sandwiches to veggie cheese because you can't afford to go. the Coke the 555

deal you know the whole fucking deal they'll send your TVs and shit subway that's all you eat on those road trips buy out but you have that was a fart that was tremendous that's one of those big ones and shit

that's a good fucking blast right there that's like that poor lady that the old lady that walks through your fart by your house He farted before we got in the car We got in the car This lady was walking down the street He wouldn't go He's like look at this

This old lady, old Italian lady's walking down the street Gets to like where he farted Does this And he didn't stop laughing I think for 25 minutes She walked right into it I didn't know she was there I get in the car

Right I get in the car I didn't want to fight I didn't want to fart in this car right so I go hold on one second I get out of the car I close the door like a gentleman he's like trying to open the window what's going on I go don't open the window

I sit there it's my fucking house right in front of it I can do whatever the fuck I want I fart but after the fart comes out it was loud and it was a Monday morning like at 8 o'clock and you could hear it like from 10 feet away

and after I farted it like shook it out of my body like a yoga stretch and shit right look to my right and there's a lady walking her dog and she heard the fart right. So I get in the car and go, go, look, put the camera on quick. I close the door. I go, watch this.

And she's walking the dog like this. And also she's walking and right in that fuck. It was like the Star Trek. When they came down, those green lights that would be around them like that. She walked into those green lights. And she was like, oh, happy it's Monday and all this.

Look at my chihuahua. And also she just went, oh my God. and she ran past that and he almost died well yeah because it's his he hasn't farted in my car but in his car and in the office your farts are not good and that poor lady was so old

oh my god what's about it? She was so old she's like a hundred years old who cares that probably made her day and if you ever are on Joey's street the angriest I've ever seen you

no ranch no nothing is when somebody parks wrong in front of your house he calls me up i'm gonna stab his his wheel tires his tires if he's still there when i get home the two spots in front of my house are mine look he doesn't put up a sign he just expects everybody to know in his neighborhood listen to me motherfuckers are right before you judge me i live close to the train so people fucking take the train and they park all fucked up and you know they take two parking spots up so i got to put an end to it so i could do a thousand things i'm the fucking king i could do a thousand fucking things to your car and you won't know the professional is we listen with professionals do it

right you didn't hear this from me just a little ball of sarah wrap just a little slice of sarah wrap Saram ram, rips out, and put it in somebody's gas tank with the stick. And that's it. Asta Vista. It's all over. You won't see those motherfuckers ever again. Are we killing somebody? You're not killing nobody. He just want to fuck them up for like,

hmm. Five months of torture at night. What is wrong with my fucking car? What the fuck is wrong with my car? What happens? I've taken it to eight mechanics. Nobody can figure out my fucking car. I've had enough of this shit

Give me Mr. Hyundai What happens to their car? The fucking The saram ramp When the car gets hot It expands So it covers one of those tubes Oh shit

That's like evil genius So you just They're just stranded there Going what the fuck is going on So you gotta wait for the car to cool down again So this motherfucker takes the car The car their service They look at it through all the holes

They can't find it They can't find it until they take the fucking gas tank off and go through it with a fine tooth cone. That's six guys. Not everybody's good. Don't just look through it with a thing. There's nothing in there.

Besides, you know how hard it is to see fucking sarangrap? Guys, I drop knowledge on you, motherfucker. As professionals. Here's what happened. They took about killing people and fucking with people out of American ingenuity. Okay, when you watched the mechanic that came out five years ago,

go with the good looking guy. They just had explosions. So all you motherfuckers were like, it's a great movie. No. If you watched the original with Charles Bronson, it was slow, but he was an old man. So when he killed you, it had to be methodical. You follow what I'm saying to you? He just wouldn't shoot you. He'd blow something up if he knew you had a heart condition. So you had to run out of the fucking house and you get a heart attack. Come on, dog. That's fucking Jew type shit right there. The opening scene of the mechanic is 35 minutes long. It's a hit. And it's right here in

L.A. And it's fucking Charles Bronson breaks into the guy's house and he puts like glue in a book and he puts like fucking fake tea and a fucking tea container and a bunch of shit. And all of a sudden he leaves. And all of a sudden you see the guy like the witness come in the house

and all fucking nervous looking around and what does this motherfucker do? He takes the tea, makes the tea. It's really like sleeping pills and shit. and puts him on the bed, he nods up, and Charles Bronson shoots like a laser into the book, which has explosives in it.

And the whole block blows up. That's the opening. That's the opening of the fucking mechanic, dog. Understand me? I love when you recap a TV show or a movie. It's my favorite. Because why people don't have the patience. Because you'll say, Joey, I'm sitting here waiting to get my dicks up.

How long is this fucking scene? I'm sorry. How long is this fucking scene? I'm waiting for the scene. It's 27 minutes with no dialogue. No dialogue? And then after the house blows, it says, The Mechanic.

And they saw Charles Bronson walking at you. What are you nuts? So fucking what? Motherfuckers. I watch his auto watch it and twit me and say, we watch the fucking mechanic. No, yes. What the fuck, people do you do it?

I think they'll do it. I'm happy you said we just came out tonight. This is going to be like a workshop tonight, but we switched it up last minute because Jimmy Abeda was in town and shit. I wanted some people to see him. I want people to have some info on them and shit. Look at you.

Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. You're looking sharp, Jimmy. After all these, the head who has not changed, you just cut the back off a little bit. You know, it's amazing seeing people that you came up with. You know what I mean? This is for $50 a night.

We were going to some fucked-up El Torito. El Torito would give you a free dinner and a gift certificate for $25. Are you kidding me? I would make that 25 bucks last and shit. I'd catch happy hour. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's four tequitos for $2. Well, they had a contest, remember?

They used to have a contest. Whoever won, got a meal. You got a meal, and then we used to go to Club 52? 56. Club 56, 52. I hit a kid in the head with one of those microphones there. Dave Testro used to run the room. He was hosting one night.

He still talks weird because of that. No, I didn't hit Dave Teststroke. That's my buddy. They were doing comedians. No, the guy you hit. It was an open mic, and there was like two scumbags in the front, flicking beer caps at the comedians. And I'm sitting there watching this, and nobody's saying nothing.

I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? And I'm pissed. I'm like, the last one up. There's two people. You know, when you're starting comedy, you dream of the perfect scenario. I want to go down there. There's not be 200 people. And all someone that comes your time is two people.

So half your fucking dream just went down to tubes. You wrote all these bad jokes, you know. And you go up there, and now there's two guys flip from bottle caps at you. You're fucking frustrated. You've got to get up at 7 to go to work and shit. And here you are, 1.15 in the morning on some bar on fucking, what was it, root? Whatever the fuck it was. So you throw a microphone at them?

I didn't throw a microphone at them. I went up there and I go, listen. if you throw one more fucking bottle cap, it's over. And the kid threw a bottle cap and charged the stays. I got the microphone with the stand. I had an extension. I fucking blasted him with the microphone.

The batteries came out. He went down. His fucking buddy ran. Every time I saw Dave, I saw Dave Testro years later, I had forgotten all about him. Harvey's in Portland. And Dave Testro's like,

Hey Joey, how you doing? You're not going to hit nobody with the microphone, are you? They never let me back at Club 56 or 52, whatever the fuck it was. But you never forget those nights. You go up there to pick up 20 bucks to get a bag of reefer or to have money for breakfast in the morning.

This is what, you know, and Jimmy would call me all the time. Him and this dude Andy Payton that was this old hippie dude that was a genius. He went out and sold it. He said, nobody wants to get. give me stage time, fuck it. I'll go out and put a comedy newspaper together,

sell advertising, and advertise my fucking bad rooms. And you would go up after line dancing classes, you know, karaoke and midnight and shit. But you know what? You learn how to become a comic, bro, and I'll never forget those guys.

I remember I was in jail and I called Anthony Payton to say Andy, I can't make that gig December 28. They booked me for Why not, Joey? I'm in fucking jail. Didn't you accept? then you accept collect charges and shit your fuck what did you go to jail for when I lived in Seattle for assault

and other things the time you had like ecstasy with Josh Wolfe and then got arrested they arrested me and I just eaten a pit of ecstasy and like 8 in the morning and it hit me when fucking I was getting fingerprinted

so I got no shirt on the fucking Seattle thing dog listen When I tell people these things, you look at me weird, that was the stripper. I was dating a stripper, okay? And we had a restraining order against each other. All right, I had a restraining order against that bitch, and she had a restraining order against me, okay? So she keeps calling me, oh, I love you, I miss you.

I missed her, too. I dug the chicks. She was a fucking freak. She let me pull her hair and tie her up. Who let you tie them up and pull the hair? That's tremendous. When you're young, I didn't know that about that. I'd fuck people straight and eat women's pussy.

She used to flip around and lick my asshole and blow smoke in my ass. Wait. Woman blew. Yeah, like, she's got like a straw. It was like some Chinese mythical shit, you know what I'm saying? Isn't she the one that you found tinfoil in her ass? I found tinfoil in her asshole one time. I didn't give a fuck.

I just put on the counter and kept doing what I was doing. It's got nothing to do with me. I don't want to know why. She had, like, you know those little Hershey's kisses? And she just was excited and ate the tinfoil by mistake. I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know. I didn't tell her.

You don't embarrass somebody. Excuse me, before we get back to this, why do you have tinfoil in your asshole? So we have a restraining order against you. This is like three years of breaking up and going back. And I go down to a house. And this fucking Momo tells the neighbor that she sees me to call the police. We're in there fucking eating ass, the whole fucking thing.

And also I hear, Seattle Police open up, so I hide under the bed. And they're like, where's George? And they're not here. And they come into the bedroom, but my stomach, when I breathe, is pushing the bed out. So the bed is going up and down. I'm like, come out from under the bed.

I came out with a fucking, with pajamas. I'm fucking nasty. So let me put pants on these motherfuckers, but no shirt. I had ate the ecstasy like a tent. This went down like 11.15. The ecstasy didn't kick in until like 12. But the time I got to the police station without the shirt

and they sat me in the holding cell, that's when the party started. And when they came, and when they came to fingerprint me and take my pictures, I was fucked. Up. I don't know if you ever take an exorcist. See that's that part where you just feel heat

in the back of your head. You just don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck anymore. They were taking pictures. They were fingerprinting me and my hand was going numb and shit. Oh my God. I would love to see those pictures. It was tremendous. We could get them. We could get them now.

We should. They probably still got them. The freaking first time you gave me mushrooms was at the comedy store and he didn't tell me what it was. I thought it was a weed edible. Why would you ruin it? You know what I'm saying? You want somebody to call you and go,

Joey, I don't know what happened. I got home last night. I tried to go to sleep, but I heard voices all night. I don't know what happened to me, you know. You're a lot of fun. You said that, that's why. Thank you. What's up, Jimmy Abeda with the fucking hairdo of duck.

Look at them. Smoking and shit tonight, Jimmy Abeda. Where are you headed to tonight? You got another spot somewhere at the coming? It's Friday night. I actually got left here. They left you here? Yeah.

Good. All right. So I don't know where I'm going after this. Perfect. I might just, I might just wander in this area. Rudy will put you up. Yep. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Go talk to Rudy your shit. You're all right, brother. He can't. They're doing a taping for a show. Oh, look at that shit. Yeah. You didn't know that you're Jimmy a beta?

Jimmy Boom, Boom, a Beta. dropping bombs on your moms? You don't get high, right? Fuck car, Bobels. No, not anymore. I had a bad experience. I didn't realize it was the acid that they gave me.

Was it him? No. It could have been you. It could have been you? You're fucking. I'm a sucker. Everything with him is 10 milligrams. There's no way this is 10 milligrams.

This stuff nowadays over there in Colorado, the weed is, did you try any of it while you're out there? No, no, no. Oh, my God, that stuff is. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I brought back weed from Colorado. That's like bringing sand to the fucking ocean, you understand? Or the other shit, the other way around.

Yeah, but you know what you guys drive from Colorado? They drive from Colorado and they go out of state and now they're pulling them over because they think they're bringing weed out of the Colorado, see? Fuck yeah. So it's the first time that white people now feel, nobody feels like to get profiled. They get pulled over.

Oh shit. It's funny because a lot of people don't know. I was in Colorado years ago when the weed was always banging in Colorado. Always. It was different altitude weed. It's high altitude weed. They grow it up there outside. The fucking weed gets a lot more THC to it. You let that motherfucker dry. You cut it with a scissors. You roll a paper and a half and shit. Bank that motherfucker out with some zigzag whites. What? What? With a frisbee to hold that motherfucker? You just sit there and after like an hour, you're like, I can't do this no more. Oh my God. You ever smoke a fucking number? And it's so good after the half of you. You don't want to stop.

because you think somebody's going to steal it from me. I got to smoke the whole fucking thing. There's nothing you do without weed. I was telling the sound guy when we were setting up that when you go to Mass on Sunday morning, you take a bong hit before it. I will take a bong hit before everything. I don't even have a bong.

I don't even have a bong. Oh, yeah, it broke. No, I gave them all away. I've never been a fan of having a bong in my house. And I'll tell you why, because it shows too much commitment on my end. I had a bomb one time. Somebody gave me as a gift.

It was a rubber bomb. A Colorado-type bomb. At that time, I was smoking bazookas. Bizucus that we cooked cocaine in the microwave for 26 seconds. Exactly. Run it through a fucking napkin. And then you crack it into a cigarette. Colombian people put them in cigarettes at the clubs

and drinking coffee and getting all fucked up. And speaking politics and shit. I never wanted to be a foo guy. I was putting that shit in refuel. and just hitting that motherfucker and after a while one night we ran out of the rolling papers and we took this bung to work

Jack. Wait, isn't that crack? Whatever. You were smoking crack and weed at the same time? It wasn't like fucked up crack. Like I smoked crack for six weeks for about a long time ago. Yeah, about 15 years ago I hooked

on crack for six weeks. Not because I wanted to buy mistake. Right on the corner there was Selma and fucking orange where the superheroes get all fucked up. Why do you think the superheroes beat the fuck out of each other? Because they hate each other, no. Because they dip in and smoke fucking crack.

There's one guy that's on Felipe's podcast. And they call him something. He used to live in my drug leader's closet. Oh, the people in Hollywood. I thought we were talking about superheroes, like, in the movies. No. Superheroes in fucking Hollywood Boulevard. We fucking think you're dealing with Joey Bananas.

I was like, I don't like Superman's on crack. So the guy on Hollywood Boulevard, that's the Hulk. Yeah? used to live in my drug dealer's closet. This, you cannot write this. And if he beat the drug dealer at Nintendo, whatever the fuck they play, the drug dealer would tell him,

get to the fucking closet, cock sucker, and don't come out. You beat me. It was fucking hysterical. I'd get there like one day, be arguing. He had the whole closet set up. It was the closet under the stairs. Like Harry Potter? He had a light in there.

He hung his clothes on the wall. He had some. pictures and he slept right there at night. He had a little fucking fan. I swear to God, my guy, it was tremendous to see. Well, that's because when you go driving, you go down like the weirdest streets in Hollywood. That street's like an alleyway.

Like, he doesn't just do the normal streets. You never do like a map quest. You're going, you've been going down people's alleys. It's scary. It depends where you go in Hollywood. I can cut you through Hollywood. It depends where the fuck you're going. If you got to go to the other side, you're lower can you sit like a stiff.

But if you got to go to one-on-one, side I could cut you right through town without even knowing. I could even get you out of Hollywood Bowl onto the 101 before the fucking people come out. That's how I wrote. Because why be in traffic? You just walked up the fucking hill and down the fucking hill. I got to get in your car and be in traffic for an hour. Fuck you. We got to leave quick, cugsucker. I don't wait till the end of the fucking game. I think I'm staying in a weird neighborhood. What's that? I think I'm staying in a bad neighborhood. Fuck yeah. I mean. Seventh and Alvarado. Oh yeah, yeah. You could get mugged

Is that any other? Yeah. But you'll be all right. You like the glasses. Jimmy, motherfucking abate. This is a long time. Every time I call this motherfucker, he goes, when do you want me to send you the tape of me and you doing the Latino slam where Carlos Menciar?

I go, I don't ever want to fucking see that tape. You understand me? I don't want to watch any tape of me. I don't want to see nothing with me to fuck on it. It's that simple. He always say to me, you want to watch the fucking thing? I'm so happy you still have it. still have it. Light on fire.

Will you any closing words God's second? Please. I'll sit there as usual. I'm so high. Everything. He's going to open up a store in about 10 years and it's going to be called Joey Diaz's 33 milligrams. Everything. And no weed is ever over it. It's the new chef.

This isn't going to do anything to you. He gave my dad a chocolate chip cookie that made him fall like passed out on the plane and he was driving 15 miles an hour, 1-5, in Florida on Route 95. 12 hours after you gave him a chocolate chip cookie. And you know what's crazy? I've been doing this all my fucking life to people. I love fucking people up when I was like that. When I was a kid, like when I was a freshman, my buddy used to go to East Trousburg.

and I would buy mescal from him that was fucking lethal and I remember like I was fucking maybe 16 and the people I was buying mescaline from were like college students but they were fucking creeped up hill people that made this shit and it would fuck you up

and when they'd sell it to me they'd say remember this is four-way acid that means four people could do a tab I'd sell them as a whole oh no I'd fuck motherfuckers and then the best thing I ever did was I used to hang out at this bar called Joe and Marys.

We'd go to every Friday night. There was a janitor from high school that would come in there every Friday night. He was a fucked up janitor. You know, he always came and shaking and shit. So he would hang his jacket behind his day. And I was a klepto then. So I would go up and talk to him about janitor skills. Who do you talk to to become a janitor?

And I would pick pocket. I mean, he always had a pill jar in his pocket. And I go to the bathroom. He had valiums in there. and I take the Valiums, I put the pill jar back in there, and I give the Valiums out to my buddies, and we eat the fucking poor janitor's Valiums, right? I did this for about three, four weeks,

and one day we're in there, and we're all fucking coaked up, and my friends like, mug the janitor, mug the janitor, right? So I go, hey, what do you got to do to become a janitor? He's been waiting for that question his entire life. Oh, my God. When he stole its Valiums. And he would give me this story over and oh, it's a very good occupation, you know. You don't have to go, if you sign up the paperwork, I could do some on-the-job training and sweeping, you know, and he was proud of his job.

So I wouldn't mug him. I swear to guys. So I took these pills and I go in the bathroom and there's no valance. It's just a bunch of white pills, right? They look like baby quailants. They look like quailants, the little ones. I said, what the fuck? Take a chance.

Just take a random pill. I put it back on this pocket. I take all these white bills. And I just pop this white bill. There had to be maybe 20 of them in there, right? I popped one fucking white bill. And after about 20 minutes, I'm getting fucked up with the alcohol. It was like 10 to 2, 10 to 3.

And it was perfect. I just went home. But a bunch of people were like, where the Vallings? Where are the Valings? I thought, I got something better of Vali. I got baby quailas. I like, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They don't make quailas no more. I know. He's a baby quailer. Check them out. So I give one to everybody. There's like eight of us, whatever, six of us. I dope them all up before I leave, right? I get home, I take the pills, and I put them on the table.

I don't know how many pills have left, and I'm fucked up. I'm fucked up. At the time I lived in this Puerto Rican kid named Fernie. who was fucked up to me. I sleep all day Sunday, guys, not even knowing it. Not even knowing it. I wake up Sunday night late, like one in the morning, hungry, thirsty, and I get up in the room, and spinning.

Like, I got no equilibrium. I'm on my hands and knees, and every time I try to get up, I'm barking, blah. It's violently coming out of me, and I'm peeing on myself and shit, and I'm in the shower. this is horrible and the refrigerator was upstairs and I'm like oh my god I crawl upstairs and I'm drinking water and before it even goes through bam it's coming out of me and I got to run back downstairs and I just went back to bed and finally I woke up Monday afternoon I got two and I got up and I'm like oh my fucking God what was that and I went to a chari's I got two hams you know two eggs toast the whole fucking thing my head was still spinning but I had a little bit

more control. I get back home and I look at the fucking answer machine. It's just blinking, right. You have dirty four fucking messages. I pressed it on. Coco, what the fuck were those pills? Beep, Coco, what the fuck? I almost died.

I had to get the encyclopedia. Beep, Coco, you motherfucker. never talk to you again. I've been puking. I'm fucking horrible. And then, beep. Coco, do you know what the fuck you gave us? Those are epileptic pills. When people go into a fit and shit,

they can kill a mule. What the fuck were you thinking? Oh my God. People hated me for like eight months. Don't take nothing from Coco. Don't take nothing from cocoa. My fucking God. That's terrible because remembering that.

I remember how bad I felt that day. Like, oh, fuck. This is just embarrassed. I gave out these poor pills. But it wasn't the last time you gave out pills. You kept doing it. And then years later, I went to New York to pick up like eight ounces of blow. And I came back.

I didn't taste the blow. I trusted the blow. And I tasted the blow and it tastes like cat piss. Oh, no. And I cut it and get it. gave it out. Fuck it, don't worry. It's perfect.

Everybody came back the next day with swollen noses. What on the shit? I can't breathe. You can't take it back? You can't return Coke? Oh my God, it was terrible. And I snorted the rest of it.

Happy and shit. It took me like a year. I would save it for late, late, late, late, late nights. When there's nothing else around, we got that cat piss in the refrigerator. You keep it in the fridge? You have to keep it in the fridge.

I had to do something with that. I don't want to have to disintegrate. Someone just said yes. Like someone, like, yeah, you keep Coke in the fridge. Who? I don't know. Someone over there. I don't fucking know.

That's what old times did. They kept in the freezer. Nobody thinks to steal your Coke in the freezer, right? They look through your pockets. You hide that little aluminum fall under a little briars ice cream. Nobody knows nothing, right? Oh, my gosh. Leave.

How are you going to get home? Were you taking a Uber? Yeah, because these are... You're such a fucking person. So much stronger. What's happened to you? Huh? I've had you more fucked up driving home.

I know, but it's scary. Who gives a fuck what's scary? You have a good time. Not driving home, you don't. Yes, you do. You get on that 134? Oh, no. You get in that right lane, you put the blinkers on.

And you mind your business. As soon as people see the blink around, like, look at this fucking asshole. Come on, people. Who the fuck do you think you're doing with here? You get that right thing, put the blink around. People don't know nothing. Even cops, like, look at this fucking asshole. Because you're not speeding.

And you're not going over the line. Just staying the mind. It's those idiots in the left lane. But it's such a long drive back to the Studio City. No, it's not going to. It would never happen. Yes, it would. You do it all the time.

Oh, it's because the right lane on the way back kind of disappears a few times. Like, you have to keep moving over. I've taken the long exit like seven times. It's going to me. He gets me so high. Ari Shafir, the only time he ever got mad at me, was leaving here because we did the live podcast,

and I had to go to work, but I was so fucking stoned. It's like, he drives 90 miles an hour hot like that. It's terrifying. Some people play video games. 90. I fucking live it, cocksuckers. I don't give a fuck. Thank you very much for coming out here tonight, guys.

One more time, my man, Jimmy Abato. I'll see you outside. We'll fuck around. You can give Lee a kiss. Talk to Jimmy and Vait out there. I can't suck.