The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #016 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live

Episode Date: January 16, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live from the Ice House on New Years Eve   Recorded live on 12/31/2014

What are you walking behind me for it? It's bad luck. Walk that way cuck, sucker. Say happy New Year. Happy New Year, everybody. Mild. You know, it's crazy because I grew up a lot differently in you guys. I mean, I don't know, maybe I did in the sense of the early part of the night. I've, uh, I grew up with a lot of fucking savages when I was young.

like fucking crazy people. The dude who let me use to rob him at the gas station and beat him up and shit, that was crazy. I gotta tell you, this kid has become a savage in front of me right before my eyes. He really has. Like, he's not crazy, he's not letting me beat him up at the gas station.

But he's just, he's always thinking of shit. Now when I give him an edible, he doesn't even fuck around. He makes no plans. He knows. But the best is the following morning when he tells me I'm still fucked up, man. And I go, I already ate an edible and he go,

why? He can't understand. He's like, why do you eat another edible? Oh my God, I'm so fucked up. Because you'll call me and be like, I'm so fucked up. I had all the... You literally, like, he...

He ate what? We eat all mercy snacks. So you'll call me and be like, I'm so fucked up. Oh, I can't go to sleep, but like you'll freak out. And then like, at 6, 8 in the morning. you call me and you just took another one. Why not? Six hours later.

I got these little, like, life savers. They're sugar-free. You know, you don't want no sugar in your body in the morning. They're very organic. I don't know what. Remember, like, 50 milligrams?

I popped those right after I ate my egg. Rather as I'm taking my blood pressure medication, I pop one of those. Why not? Just to, you know, keep the blood going. Keep the ankles thin. Keep the circulation going. We talk, like, two or three times a day.

What? You and I talk and you, every time you open with I just pop the Cheapichu and and a chocolate what was that chocolate bar?

Death. And you're just like... Listen man, if I got a busy day... If I got a busy day, I can't get fucking high, right? You get high every day. But if I had like a fuck like out, if I got to work out,

I can't get high because if I'm out of air I have an anxiety attack. Wait. That's why I try to work out early. Because once I get it out the way, I could get fucking high. You understand me? That's the... When you say you don't get high, you still

get, like, a little high. I don't eat an edible before I work out. I'll take a couple pumps so that... Listen. I didn't want you to think you was sober. I got to break it down for you. All right. I get up before my wife in the morning. I get up so I can write. So when I get up, I feed the cats.

I clean the little box. I make coffee. I take a piss. I brush my teeth. I relax for an hour. I watch what the traffic is like. even if I don't have to leave the house I always want to know what's thinking of Cal-Tran 5 I see what's going on the 15, the 210, and the 405

those are the problem spots right there and the 57 sometimes it's fucked up down there those people don't know how to drive after I get warmed up right after I get like three quarters of a cup of coffee in me right to the yard and I start puffing whether it's the pipe, the leftover joint from last night.

Sometimes you get home 1130 from doing comedy, you're a little wired. Why fuck around? I go outside, I smoke a half a dube. Don't smoke the whole dupe, because you might have nightmares. A half a dupe, you know what I'm saying? Well, also, tell them,

you don't get like medium-strength weed. We got high on, I got high on two puffs of whatever that joint was the other night. That the guy gave us. Some guy gave me a tube of weed. So on the way home, it was a tube that I had seen before, right? Like a tube that had like a sign on it, right?

Like a fucked up sign on it, right? Let me tell you this story. You got to love it. It had like a hieroglyphics. Like, not hieroglyphics, but... Like Roman numerals, you know, like the X's and shit, right? So I'm with Lee. I stopped at 7-11 for my wife.

She got something done for a T, so she can only drink Mountain Dew in the morning. So I had to get Mountain Dew for her. And I got, Lee, we're just going to stand here and talk for a couple minutes. I got this joint. Let's cook this motherfucker, right? It's 12-15. You got nothing to do? I got none to do.

Right? All right, let's smoke. I take it out. I kick it. We get fucked up, guys. I get fucked up. Even the truck driver that's delivering the sandwiches, 7-11? He's like, that's good stuff.

I mean, it was fucking crazy, right? So I get up the next morning, and I get the tube, and I walk to the weed store at 10.05. the baby had our class that day. Usually I exercise with the baby in the morning. I put the baby in a truck and I go for a little ride with her. Absolutely.

I take four hits off that pipe before I drag my two-year-old around North Hollywood. If you don't get high before you have your child on a fire truck, you're fucking slipping, okay? You need weed just to deal

with the whole fucking thing. You know, I go to the fucking thing. I go to North Hollywood Park, and I take it to the other yard, and I put on the swing. So that morning I didn't do it because it was too cold So I was still jazzed up But I'd take a little walk, so I said, what the fuck?

You know what? Lee and I got fucked up Off this joint. Let me walk over to the weed store, get my morning exercise, and just think of it. You know, I was a little high. I'm not even going to take the iPod. I'm just going to think about my day or whatever the fuck.

I get to the weed store and I give the tube to the girl. I go, let me get one of these. And she looks at me like. So she goes, hold on one second. And she walks to the back, and the owner comes on. He goes, dog you got these I go yeah somebody gave me one

and they're tremendous he goes I don't sell these of you they put wax in these fucking things oh so who cares and speaking of poisoning he gave me mushrooms and didn't tell me they were mushrooms

why would you mess with somebody's emotions why because I've never taken if you're not sexually involved with somebody why would you mess with somebody's emotions. You understand me? They're having a bad day.

You tell them eat this piece of chocolate. I didn't kill him. I didn't give him the whole Nestle bar. I gave him just a taste. If it was heroin, it would have been like skin popping. You never do the whole blast of heroin. You put under your skin, you shoot a little bit. And if it fucks you up, you put that motherfucker down.

You know what I'm saying? The same thing. I'm not out to kill me. Yeah. A little bit. Whoever gave you guys chocolate covered mushrooms just because they loved you? Nobody.

I don't give them to either kill the kid because I love them. Because if I don't give them to him and Sabwa Fair him, he'll never experience chocolate mushrooms. He'll think about him. Let me go home and think about it. I'll put it in my freezer. Oh, I went online and investigated them. They grown under shit.

I don't know. That bowl is made from shit. You don't need it. Eat that fucking thing. And take the chance. Columbus did. Take it. Fuck it. Eat the fucking thing, you know. But we had a good time. I took him on Laurel Canyon,

doing 90 around the cars. You know me, I don't give a fuck. He just cuts people off. He'll just go, like, right up the entire wrong lane for, like, an entire side of the street. Hey, you got airbags. You know what I'm saying? Use it. He called me last night and said,

you should go drive by sound on Little Canyon. And if we had too many cars, we'll just get out and run away instead of someone's Bro, New Year's, I'm telling you, you can hit a car and run away, leave a note. Somebody stole my car. What were you? I was at home watching fucking, you know, Jimmy Kimmel Live. I don't give a fuck.

And there's always an excuse. Like, he'll be like, oh, it's the first night of Hanukkah. Oh, it's Wednesday. Oh. It's always a beautiful day to be alive. Oh, my gosh. Think of it. Right now, if we were in a fucking prison somewhere in another country,

You think somebody would be offering you a pot cookie or a Cheebo Chew? How lucky are we? We get the opportunity to eat a Cheebo Chew. Eat that motherfucker. Eat that motherfucker. Especially, I could see if, look, if Lee ran NBC, I wouldn't bust his balls. Yes, you would. But he don't have a fucking job.

So, you know, it's not like he has to get up at six or eight or nine. You know, he's going to go home and watch TV and stay up until three. Whether I give him an edible or not. That's just the way he is. He's going to watch Sports Center. And now his girlfriend gave him a PlayStation fucking 13. Is that what it is?

A four. A four? Whatever. I don't fucking know. Once he told me she was giving him a PlayStation, I got to double the dose. Because I'll never see him. Once he goes in, he'll hibernate.

He's not the type... Listen, without the PlayStation, I can't get him out of the house. I've been going to the gym for since June. But just to the gym. You don't go on. get sun. You're the most pale as Jew I've ever met in all my fucking life, okay? I have Jew friends

that are dark, like dark, dark, dark, like Cuban dark. Are they black? No, they're fucking Jews. There's black Jews? No, but maybe, you know, from the other side of town. These people are Jews. But he won't go on and get sun. You know, I always tell people, it's

amazing for, like, I went on three blood tests, and they always came back, I was deficient in vitamin D. Living in California, I was in shock. And I went home and I looked it up online. And it's like fucking 48% of us that live in California. That's like half. A vitamin seed deficient.

Because we don't go out in the sun because there's some myth. No, I'm Cuban. I was born on a fucking island, dog. The sun is in my blood. You know what it is? That fucking computer. I don't like taking my computer outside the house. It's always real creepy to me.

When I see somebody on a computer? What? You don't want to enjoy the outside? You gotta bring your business out of here. Like, I think like you're up to something. Like, you're watching porn or something. At Starbucks. I don't like that shit. When I go out of the house, I don't want to see the fucking computer.

You know what I'm saying? That's what it was. And I catch myself now. When I'm in front of the computer too much, I go, fuck it. It's over. I got to go out and get some sun. And I try to encourage that. You got to get out of the fucking house, okay?

You can't sit there like a vampito. You know, that's all I'm trying to do is move this guy's life along a little bit, you know? He's too tranquil. No, it's not moving along. You don't do dick. Now you got the girlfriend and the fucking PlayStation 4. Hell yeah.

If I get you out for the podcast, that's enough daylight. And the podcast is at 8. Yeah, that's right. But you know what, man? He goes to the fucking gym every day. He's addicted. He's in that fucking 24-hour fitness

jumping up and down. He lost 80 pounds and shit. The Sabbath's that. he is looking. He's all sexy and shit. And he tries. He really goes to skinny kitchen. And I met this month. He really does. He goes to skinny kitchen. It's good.

And he has the turkey burger, which tastes like ass. He's had the bison. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. They put cheese on it. They put cheese on it. It tastes good. They put cheese on quarter pounds, too, and they taste like fucking ass, too. Do you see McDonald's got a triple

cheeseburger? Oh, I bet you were having fucking dreams about it. When you see that, it went right to your little brain, sat in there when you slept that night. You saw yourself naked going through a fucking McDonald's eating a triple deck of sandwich. I haven't been to McDonald's in months. Tell these guys how much you love McDonald's. Oh, I love all that stuff. What else?

Wendy's is the best. Oh, Jesus Christ. I just read online an employee told about chili. You eat the chili? Fuck, no. Okay, that's the... Do I have Wendy's the... He's chili?

Yeah. Really? That's disgusting. You fucking eat everything else. What's the difference? Because chili just sits there. It's like always ready. At least like the other stuff pretends it's like away.

They'll throw away old burgers. Isn't I going to throw away old chili? It's probably like a, it's probably like a, it's probably like a Wendy somewhere with like a 10-year-old thing in chili. and they just take the mold out of it. I can't eat that shit anyway. I'm a fat fuck

I like this spicy chicken sandwich. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, it's good. You don't like it? No. What do you like at Wendy's? Nothing. You don't like burgers?

Oh, why don't you like bacon on burgers? Because it's fucking disgusting. That's why. It's like a double tridundo. What's that word you people use? Tridundle them, whatever the fuck the word is. He said today on the way, there's under no circumstance

would I want bacon on a burger. No, no circumstance? No, no. Listen, I'm an American. Here's what I like, all right? I like a fucking one burger with cheese, raw onions, and ketchup.

That's it. And if I have to, I'll take mustard. That's it. I don't want no lettuce. I'll take a tomato if I have to. Who's forcing condiments on you? What? It's forcing you to have these things.

Society. They always want to get these big, big fucking burgers. I don't like that shit. I'm gonna fucking old school. Just give me prison burgers. Cheese. Fucking county jail burgers. Cheese.

When you're in county jail and you look at cheese, you look at it like it's a fucking $100 bill. You're like, oh. And a slice of raw onions with some fucking ketchup. Oh my God, that's delicious. You know why I don't eat burgers no more? Because I don't like the fries around here. Yeah, they talk.

I like ruffle fries. Crinkle cut, yeah. Not crinkle cut, but those ones are like this. And if I have to, if I'm really stoned, I'll take a steak fry. You know what I mean? And I got to go to Jerry's deli to have a steak fry. I don't want to go to Jerry's deli.

Fat Burger has steak fries. I don't like Fat Burger. I had a fat burger one time in Texas and I had a headache for four fucking weeks. It's too expensive It was like I ate White Castle the first time When I was growing up in Jersey I had White Castle the first time

I fucking had a sodium headache For like 12 hours I never ate it again until like I was out of high school Then I eat And now when I go back Just out of respect I get two of them

Just two No fries but I get the diet Pepsi With the fucking ice No dog I'm trying to watch my fat little fucking heart No we got fries So you gotta watch your fucking fries. You say I gotta deal with guys?

And every night when I take him out, we get high on the way back. He starts talking to me about his fat food, his fast food fucking lifestyle at night. Like I talk about drugs late night and fucking crazy women. He talks about his cheeseburger things like. Like as we passed through a drive-thru, he'll go eight months ago that was me right there. And I'd ask him, what would you get? and he'd get all emotional, like he wiped he looked at me and he'd get angry and emotionally

and he wipe his mouth, I'm like, let me tell you what I get. Because the only thing I do like, I'll tell you who makes a good late-night taco when you're fucking stoned or drunk, I tell you who makes a very good late-night taco, jack-in-the-box. No, I disagree.

No. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. And as you're eating it, as you're eating it, after you take the third bite, After you take the third bite, you know it's not good for you. And you turn around and look at it, right? You always turn around and look at it.

In your mind, you do that whole thing. You're like, and you're biting, and you know it's tasting good. But you know it's like some little kid's leg and shit. You start looking at Bill Cards and shit as you're eating in. I used to have a ton of those. I know you have. Cocks sucker. But they put too much sauce on them.

No, they're delicious. And they're a little spicy. Like they're a little fucking spicy. Yeah. And my crazy wife would buy fishing chips for the cats late at night. Oh my God. And Finney wouldn't eat the cat. Finney wouldn't eat the Coke cat I had, the one I used to do Coke with.

He wouldn't eat the fish. He'd eat the... French fries? The batter. Disgusting. Oh, my goodness. But I've never had a fucking... I tell you what I did have.

I got addicted off the salads. How the fuck do you eat salads and gain weight? I used to eat salads when I lived in Boulder from Jack in the Box. They had the seafood, crab. And you knew it was fake crab. But it was just delicious. I kept eating them with iced tea and I kept gaining weight. That's when I knew fast food was fucking bad for you.

When even the salad makes you fucking gain weight. I'm happy. You know, when I was a kid and we lived in New York City, it wasn't what it was now. McDonald's, Kentucky Fried Chicken. Jack in the box is in the Bronx. Like in Queens, like in those areas. White castles like dog shit.

They're everywhere. So I grew up on those, but my mom wouldn't let me eat them. So the only time I was allowed to eat fast food is when I would visit my cousins in Miami in the summer. So for those two weeks, I would eat fucking whoppers and, you know, regular cheeseburgers. But when I went back to New York, I wasn't allowed to eat them, so I never really ate fast food.

And later on, as fast food grew, I was never really into it. And today, if I eat fast food once a year, it's a fuck. And I don't know why, because I'm a fat fuck, and I like late night eat, but I like different type of late night eating. A cheeseburger deluxe with steak fries and mozzarella cheese and gravy on those motherfuckers, with a bowl of cream of turkey soup up front with some saltine. and shit, who the fuck you think you're dealing with, huh? And some fucking ice teas with two lemons.

And after it's all over, a nice fucking cup of rice pudding, that's what you eat at two in the fucking morning. So if I can't get that, I can't eat, right or wrong? I'll tell you what else is bad to the bone at two in the morning. Two fucking eggs.

Right? But check this out. Across the street from white toast, toasting, light butter with a steakover. that motherfucker and french fries so the gravy from the steak drips on top of the fries and your toast so when you're eating the egg with the toast the gravy from the steak is the underbelly of this whole motherfucker operation do you understand me when you bite the whole thing all at once the steak

the yolk the toast and the french fry and you eat it as you're like what the fool is better than this right now. What the fuck is better than this right now? Nice steak with the steak gravy on the toes with the butter. How do you like your steak? Medium rare, so the little bit of pink, like a... Don't even get me started. Because I love you, you know what I'm saying?

Out of respect. That's a sexual noise. What? That's like a sexual noise you just made. Oh yeah, it's a sexual noise. Why do you think men love steak when they're... And they're real fucking savages eat that shit like kind of rare.

And when they cut it, they stop for a minute. They just look at it. Then they walk out of the trance. What were you saying? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Obama's got to go. I know, you know what I'm saying? It's fucking crazy.

You know how we react this shit. But I was going to put the cap on the microphone. That's what you know? Look at this fucking zambo. Whose fault is that? Or, I'll tell you what else is bad to the bone. Late night. Oh, my God.

King Taco, like a motherfucker. A fucking chorizo potato egg. And that's what you're taking the car to go. That's not what you eat there. When you get there, that's a complete different patois. But there's night's dog. That's the toughest thing. That's why I gained a bunch of weight when I was doing comedy.

I would beg to life. When I first moved to L.A., I grew up in the East Coast. Mexicans. So when I went to Colorado, I started digging on Mexican food but when I came to California, I really started digging it. But I don't like it from up here. I like Saloo. Look, I ain't bullshit.

I like it down from the barrio. So that's why I like all those gigs down there. We used to do a gig in Long Beach and oh my God, there was a taco truck by a VFW. 75 cents a taco. What? What?

10 Taco 750 with two cans of Coke. you can still give the guy a dollar tip you know what I'm saying Who the fucking think you're dealing with right? I would go all the way to Long Beach for 10 tacos That's when you know you're a fat fuck

I would take gigs on certain nights only Like all the Mexican comics Have different bars they play at all over town And a lot of them you have to take the 10 or the 5 What's the one off King Taco when you see it? I don't want to fuck up King Taco what am I on The 710?

The 710? that's how to King Taco? Oh my God that shit's close than what I thought this shit oh my God

some Mexican food before you go to sleep but not just little Mexican food a lot because when you're drunk and you're stone you overeat and once you go home

that Mexican and you put TV on and you think about jerking off but you're like it's not necessary you know what I'm saying I feel

So good right now. There's just some shit. I don't like... I don't like rice cakes. Like Leo go home and eat rice cakes. That's why I don't eat at night. Because if I can't eat what I want to eat, what I just told you motherfuckers?

What do you want, Joey? I'll go to big wangs with you motherfuckers. And I'll get five wings. You keep saying we're going to go to big wings, but we never go to big wings. Because you always pussy out. I can't. I don't.

I only have 300 calories. he's laughed. I only walk. Fuck it. Let's go. Take a chance. Because he don't know how to just eat fat man style. See, there's fucked up people and then there's fat man style. Like, I'll go to fucking big wangs and I'm happy. I only eat four wings and I'll dabble with the fries with the gravy on it. And I'll have an iced tea and I'll get the fuck out of that. And I'll realize I'm full and I'll leave. The real fat fucks, they'll sit there and eat the 16 wings. That's what kills you. Four wings ain't going to put you in the hospital. A couple French fries were But mozzarella and gravy, that don't fuck you up.

But this motherfucker's like, I can't. Because I'll have to. No one eats four wings. Yeah, yeah, you have to. You order eight of them. They have a happy hour. They give you five. Then you pay a dollar for the other three, just so you fucking don't eat 15 of them. And we'll eat four a piece, and we'll eat some disco fries, a small order.

And we'll get the fuck out of it, like savages. Four of them. And as you're walking to the car, you're thinking you should have got more. But by the time you walk to the car and get to the car, you're like, I'm pretty fucking full. I'm happy I didn't eat the other 16 wings. I'm telling you, dog.

You get full from four wings? I went with my wife three weeks ago. Before one, I went back to El Salvador and I fucking went, and I got four wings with my wife. We went during Happy Hour. And I was pretty happy. I'm not glad to hear that.

I mean, guys, don't get me wrong. I wasn't that happy. I mean, I wish I was stone to the gills because that's the only way to eat wings is stone to the gills. With a corona? Am I lying to you? A nice corona?

Cold like a motherfucker with a bunch of wings with a paper towel. Fuck napkins. That's for pussies. Napkins. That's for guys that are gluten-free, napkin. Come in a napkin.

I'm gluten-free. Fuck you. Give me the whole roll of paper towel, bitch. We're going deep in. Take the jacket off. Help me with the jacket. Hurry up. That's how you fucking go eat wings and shit.

Two orders of fries. Onion rings. That's how you. you eat rings, a pitcher, bitch, and if I see the glass half empty, you better jump, motherfucker. That's how you eat wings. I can't drink. I can't drink. I can have a shot of Yeager or something,

but I can't drink a bunch of fucking beers like I used to with wings. I wish I could and get fucked up old school, but I can't. I start farting and shit. You're always farting, though. But I don't fart like wing fart mixed with beer. Look, the other day I farted during the podcast, and nobody smelled it. It wasn't

bad. It was what you're talking about. You weren't bad at all. And none of them were bad. None of them. Because they were like clean farts. You know what I'm saying? They were like, it was like salads and shit. Very mild.

It's only when you drink. You know what the worst farts are when you eat healthy? Drink a fucking soy protein milkshake. See what your asshole smells like. You cut a fart. Like it's going to be a regular fart. And all of a thing, you're like, oh my God. It's a, oh my God.

Oh my God. You start blowing it. shit light matches. You love it. I love it when I'm by myself and it's me and the cat or me and you and me and my wife or something like that. You know, I don't

like it when I'm in a room full of strangers. Do you part on your cats? No, but if they're sometimes if they're on my leg and I know I'm going to fart, I don't say nothing. I don't even, man. And then when you fart, they fly off.

I'm a fucking comedian How do you think I entertain myself, you fuck? Which cat do you like farting on the most? Whoever fucking's there. I don't give a fuck. Gray, Gray comes up, Superbad comes up. I didn't know if you were looking for like, oh, I'm going to get Superbad today. I'll tell you what, my fucking daughter turn is turning two and eight days, guys. And it's, no, no, no, no, no.

Fuck that shit. It's, it is fucking crazy. I'm an old man, guys. I just had surgery on the knee. I could move, but I really can't move. this little fucking kid touches everything and she throws it in the air

when she's finished with it it's fucking mind-boggling I got my hands cut out from me so if something happens I love you guys all right just remember that what does that mean what if something happens oh my god I don't know man I'm gonna have a heart attack or something

I don't fucking know man she doesn't stop what does she throw in the air that's not what she throws in the fucking air it's what she does, how she moves, how fast she moves now. You know, how she doesn't sleep that much anymore. She's becoming a young fucking person now. And I'm an old man. It's the complete fucking opposite.

You know what I'm saying? She's a 30-pound human kettlebell. That's all she is, you know? So now I was trying to eat my soup, and she was right there, and she didn't want to go nowhere. She's twisting and making me fucking fart in her neck. And then I take my goatee, and I read her. rubbing on her face, and they like all

that shit, but she's weighing 32 fucking pounds, you know, so who gets a fuck? Why are we talking about that shit anyway, Lee? What the fuck's the matter, you see what I'm saying? What are your resolutions for 2015, cuck-sucker? I've never

really done resolutions, man. I don't know. That's your fucking problem right there. But everyone who, no one ever gets the resolution done. Who's nobody? People try. People try, but everyone's like, oh, I always, I didn't get I thought that was like a thing. Like you say,

like this gym's gonna be busy for three weeks and then say, what the fuck is he talking about this? Fucky. Everybody gets their resolutions done. If you have five resolutions, if you get one of them done, you accomplish fucking something.

You're not gonna get all five of them done. What are your resolutions? I have no fucking idea, right? I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about it, you know, to be a better human being, maybe not get so mad when I'm driving.

Maybe not say go and yell at people and shit, you know. I don't see that happening. He beeped at a fireman today. I did beep at a fire man. Because he's fucking around. If you're going to go, go, go, cocksucker. Don't stop for a yellow light.

You know, I got shit to do. They want to stop for a yellow light, dibble dabble, you know. It's rush out. Go, cocksucker. You know, you gotta, I don't know. The main resolution is to always be a little better person that you were the year before.

What does that mean? What the fuck does that mean? Did I got to give money to the guy at 7-Eleven now? That I got to fucking send money to that chick with the animals that always makes me feel guilty? What's that chick that sings the song? That fucking dirty bitch. You know, you're at your house, you're not.

did something you're impressed with something you did that day. I hate feeling guilty and I feel guilty enough on my own. I don't need somebody trying to make me feel guilty. Sarah McLaughlin, those fucking animals make you feel guilty and the remote control is always eight feet away. Like as soon

as you hear like, you know, as soon as you're like, what the fuck? And it's always on here, you're like, fuck! And you fucking want to kill Sarah McLaughlin. And you're like, what the fuck? I already got six cats, Sarah. You know what I'm saying? Stop breaking my fucking ball, Sarah. I always feel guilty when I pull up the 7-Eleven.

There's some dude all fucked up there. I really do, because at my heart, as a human being, as a Catholic, I want to give it money, but as a fucking thief, fuck them. Fuck them. You know what I'm saying? Hide behind the building, hit somebody. Be creative. What about the one you hear with your car this year?

All right, I hit him with my car. I swear to God, I hit this fucking dude at 7-11. Dog, he caught me on the wrong fucking day, right? And I had my wife in the car, listen, let me break something down here, right? I've done some bad shit in my life, like, not bad shit,

like, you know, like live people on fire or shit like that, but... Like, I robbed drug dealers, shit like that, right? I went to prison, I paid my dues society, and that was it. But there's... What are we talking about? But then you got my wife.

guys. I swear to God, I don't even like when my friends talk to me when my wife's around. Like when my friends from Jersey come out to visit, I don't even like them talking with my wife's around. Because my wife's from Tennessee, and she's a different type of person, and she doesn't deserve that in her life. One of the main reasons, yeah, I stopped doing drugs, but it was a no-brainer from me, and this is why. I stopped doing drugs, part of the reason, like the complete part of it, because unless I got shot, where else was I going to die? I was going to die in the house

snort and coke. I would die from a heart attack. Who was going to find me? One of the cats? No. My wife, who was at then my girlfriend. And that started making me think. I was like, wait a second. Like if somebody was, like if like if Lee did blow and I found them in the living room, it wouldn't affect me.

I love... Thank you, buddy. No, no, no, no, no. How sweet of you? I love Lee and I feel bad but I wouldn't come here every month and go it's because of me Lee's dead Lee died because he would do him blow

Oh I'm dead Whatever I'm just saying You know I didn't want my wife To find me on the floor She don't deserve that There's some people Who deserve that shit in their life

And there's some people Who don't deserve that shit in their life She's too sweet It would have ruined her insides So I didn't want her picking me up out of the floor In other words, I don't want nobody fuck with my wife. Don't say shit in front of my fucking wife.

When you see me with my wife, you say good afternoon, Mrs. Diaz, you talk to me, don't say fucking nothing out of the ordinary because I will not fucking tolerate it. For some reason, I just don't like it. And I'm going to tell you something else. Don't even think of doing something to my wife because my blood pressure just boils.

So I stopped by the 7-11 on Burbank and Coelanga. It's a fuck up 7-Eleven. It's real fucked up. That's a fucked up 7-Eleven. We were doing the podcast at 6 a.m. And I went in there one night at like 4, 5, 15.

And I seen a chick getting pimped that didn't want to get pimped. And her boyfriend was on Met and the guy he was selling it to was our Met. This was a fucked up story. And I'm watching it to 7-Eleven. Like I was dead like to get a coffee. I actually went in the back and started watching

the whole thing unfold. And she was crying. And she was like his girlfriend or his wife And she's like, I don't want him to fuck me And he's like, he's fucking you bitch And you're gonna suck his dick And you're gonna let him fuck you in the ass He's gonna give me like $120 to fuck you And this poor girl's like, no

And finally she's watching You're just like No, I'm gonna be fucking Joe superhero I don't know, but With no weapon on me 51 years old, right? Unless they take a head of bashed against the glass, I can't

fucking get involved. It's 5 in the morning. It's 5 in the 5. Everybody, and she's on Met too. She's no innocent this fucking thing. She's on Metu and she's walking with the fucking guy and they took a cab to get there. So the cab driver was waiting for them.

They got the cash. They didn't have enough cash. The guy didn't have enough cash for the cab and to buy the girl. So he just had enough cash to buy the girl. So they walked out front and the girl was crying and they told the cab driver leave. We don't have enough money.

And as he was leaving, they started arguing outside. She started running. It was fucking crazy. And I'm watching all this at 5 in the morning. I'm like, oh, my God. And the meth head is chasing her. Come back, you're going to fuck him. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is terrible.

Then the cops were chasing him. The cab driver ran in. He's like, call the police. They're pipping that woman out. And it was fucking crazy. And I'm sitting there going, this is a real 7-Eleven. So I had an office with Lee down the block. I'm like, this is fucking crazy.

So maybe two days later, I go to the same 7-Eleven to get water or whatever the fuck with my wife. It's in my wife's car. But I'm driving. I pull up. I go, you want something? She goes, I don't want that. I like, all right.

I get out, I go inside. I buy whatever the fuck. When I'm paying to go in, I look at my wife, and there's some dude in front of the car like dancing, like some fucking Momo. And I'm boiling at the fucking counter, right? 20 years ago, I wouldn't even have paid.

I just would have ran to the fucking thing. But you know what? Things are bad all over, right? I get it. As long as he's not touching the glass or whatever, we're cool. But I'm watching it. He's dancing and shit. He's playing with his dick.

So I walked past him like, and he looks at me like, what? And I'm like, oh, this motherfucker is crazy. I don't have a gun, but I have a bottle. and I don't have a hanger. See in my car I have a hanger. Hangers are the best weapons. The one from the dry cleaners. Unravel it, but keep it together.

You know what I'm saying? And if there's problems, you take that motherfucker and you whip somebody with a hanger. What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And if you're a professional, you tape it and you prepare it already.

And then you're unwit that motherfucker and you start whipping them with a hammer, especially at night. They don't know what it is. They're like, is it a new chuck? Is it a stick? Is it a caboodoo tonfa? Fuck, no, it's a hangar, motherfucker. Oh, my God.

First time I got hit with a hanger, I'm like, I got to get one of those. I got hit with a hanger one night. Me and my buddies were trying to rob like some truck or something, and we were trying to climb like a, oh my God, I can't believe, I just remember this shit. Boji! Boji! That was the kid's name.

Tommy fucking Boji. He's like, we could jump over there. They leave a truck. Oh, we got to do. break the lock that were like VCRs or something. I knew Tommy from high school, but not really. And we went there and we tried to jump the fence.

But the guy whipped Vodji like 50 times. He whipped me like three times. I had kick because I ran the fuck out of it. But I was like, what did he have? And he's like, those guys always carry hangers. Whatever the fuck that is. Anyway, I'm just trying to give you a free tip

tonight. You know what I'm saying? And keep it under the driver's seat. It's not like having a bat in your car. you can even tape it and open it up and it's long. As long as you keep that hook, that's where your finger goes. You follow me? So as you're whipping that motherfucker with that hanger and as he's punching, you're hitting his legs.

That's what Boji's guys used to do. We hit your fucking legs. Oh, baby. Mamasita. So I walk past the guy and he's kind of creepy, and I know that there's drugs involved in a little mental health. but as I sit down

he gets right to the middle and I'm talking to my wife and I look up at him and he's giving me the tongue and he's doing all this shit with his cock like this. And I'm looking at this guy like, what the fuck? And I go, you know what? I look both ways there's nobody around. I go, I'm going to knee this

motherfucker with the car. So I popped the car into reverse and my wife, guys, God bless her. She's only seen the craziness like maybe four times maybe. And she can't handle it and I love her. After every time, I always think we're going to break up because I can see it's out of her realm.

One time I threw a, one time I threw a cue ball at a guy's door, oh my God. His dog or door? They were coming to get me at the comedy store in La Jolla. So everybody kept telling me, dog, you shouldn't go down there by yourself. They're going to come get you. It was like these three comedians that I got into it in whatever with. So, you know me, I watched Coda Silence.

You guys ever watch Code of Silence? Code of Silence is Chuck Norris. You guys are from a generation where you probably see the movie where who shot Bobby Lupo. What's his name? Stephen Seagau. And that movie, he uses the cue ball in the hangar. He stole it from Chuck Norris. And 1983, Coda Silence.

Tremendous movie. Tremendous movie, Cod of Silence. Dennis Ferrena is in that motherfucking movie. That's one of his early movies. They play cops and they get the Colombian Cogue. Anyway, back to the situation. Ah, come to second. So I'm sitting there.

And I can't take this motherfucker. So I put the car in reverse a little bit. And as I'm putting in reverse, this guy still touch over his dick in front of me. And I go, fuck this. And I put the car on the drive. And I just gun this at this fucking guy. And he looks at me and he goes back and he falls. against the thing. And I put it in reverse

and as he's running at me, he's tremendous. He's running me. He goes to kick the car and he kicks the car. But I'm like, I'm going to hit this motherfucker with the car. You guys know me. I'm going to deck him with the car. Fuck no. He knew I meant business. And he turned real quick and he just hit the glass. And as he hit the glass,

I could hear, like his hand just shattered. You understand me? Fuck him and I just kept going. And my wife didn't say a word. For like two miles, she's like, Joe, we gotta pull over. What was that? Yeah.

I go, what was what? The office was super, like, a few blocks away. And then he came in 15 minutes late and just told me this story like it was nothing. Oh, my God. And he hit a crazy dude at 7-Eleven. Oh, my God. Hey, guys, you know, that shit's in your blood sometimes. Sometimes you could just take so much, you know?

You got to hit a motherfucker with a car, especially there's nobody around. You got to look around. I knew they had a camera at 7-Eleven. It was black and white. And the camera would have seen that he was all creeped up and shit. And I would have said whatever the fuck, you know, I would have mixed it up. And definitely if the cops are coming, you got to run over and kill him. Because dead men don't tell no tales.

You know what I'm saying? That's rule number one. That's rule number three of the church of what's happening now. Dead men don't tell no tales. Wait, why do you have to murder them? You have to murder them. You just run over to their head with the car. He don't murder him.

Why do people always say murder? No murder. I don't know what happened. He was serious. Somebody came with a car. He yelled. I don't know. So you're saying they got hit with a car? I didn't say that. What I said was we were hitting, hanging out, and I saw some guy pass by with a car.

He started yelling. That's it. You got to be very vague, Lee. A lot of people aren't vague. Everybody wants to tell the story. We've got pictures and cameras now. You can't hit nobody with a car now. Somebody's got a fucking camera somewhere. Like a year later, somebody will come. There was a guy up the corner taping some Jupiter,

the star of Jupiter, and he saw you hit somebody with a fucking car. I'm just kidding you, people. I hit nobody with a car. All right, you people right away started looking at me and getting all fucked up here. Lee, what am I going to do with you? I don't know. You're going to go to your in-laws now? Yeah.

And Mexican people with crucifixes. And saints everywhere. There's so many Jesus. Do you know what happens when you go in front of those crucifaces high? I've been there. Listen to me. I don't know if you remember. I'm Cuban.

I grew up in a fucking tremendously Catholic house. When you get high in front of those saints, the saints just give all their attention to you as you walk in. You can feel the heat from this statue. You understand? They have their dead dogs ashes. I know they do. That's what we do.

Latinos, listen, when our cousins die, we usually cut a finger, we take it home, and we grind it up, and we save that too. That's how it is, bro. Latinos fucking hold on to shit. We don't give a fuck. We love the spirits. Every Monday we get up and we put water glasses and flowers and meals for dead people. You understand me? So if I was you, I wouldn't go in front of those saints tonight.

I have to. You cannot. They're going to look at you all. You're Jewish. right off the bat there's listen right off the bat there's animosity you gotta right off the fucking bat there's animosity

I'm not saying they hate Jews and Jews hate Catholic saints what I'm saying is right off the way who's got the biggest dick in the room do you need that well I'm the only dick in the room no she's got a bunch of saints

and they're all looking at you in virgin hands right you said how big of the hands they got together. What? You told me they got big hands together or what do they have? Jesus's foot. Wasn't it you that told me? No. They have like a big sculpture of like the last

supper above like their kitchen table. Right. What else? They have like a bunch of Virgin Mary's and crosses and stuff. Okay. What else? And then they have the grandparents. Like the old school 1920s pictures of grandparents. Okay. It's kind of creepy. What? And if it's creepy sober,

what do you think it's like when you've eaten an edible? And you're sitting there, those grandparents are staring at you. Because they know that you're fucked up. What does it feel like? Hear me out. I'm not going to hear you out. She's making Kroni Asada. Fuck the spirits.

Fuck the saints. Hell yeah. And then Paul made cookies. Is 24-hour fitness open tomorrow? Yeah. All right, you're going to go? Yeah, I went today. Did you?

Yeah. How long? Hour, three minutes. How many calories did you burn? 800. Look at that, you bad motherfucker you. Well, I have to, after nights with him, because, like, go home and eat two subway sandwiches

or just something, not two, but just, like, one subway sandwich and, like, eight granola bars. I always have to throw in rice cakes just to piss him off. So, because he'll call him and be, like, what rice patties do you have in tonight. So eight granola bars, right? Eight granola bars and eight rice patties. That's about 1,200 calories, correct? No.

How many? Oh yeah, Grinobas and rice patties, yeah. Okay, 1,200 calories. And you get what? You get high fiber. So you just shit that out the next day, just like that.

And you're not really having a good time when you're eating at. Nobody is partying. Caramel rice cakes are pretty good, yeah, yeah. So that's what people party. That's what the rich and famous are eating. If they're watching their calories.

Right, right, good, right. So you wait 1,200 fucking calories of Ugat. Oh, yeah. When you could have just had a tremendous cheeseburger deluxe. You ever think of that? At night when you go home,

you end up eating 15 of those. I know, but it's better than fast food. Yeah, okay. I didn't say fucking bad food. I said, for you to go home, we got a nice quarter pound of fucking meat. You only operating fire? One of this high?

That's not going to be good. Dog, when you're stoned, that's when you cook the best burgers. Oh, no way. When you're high, That's what you get creative in your mind. And you look at that burger and you're like, what does that motherfucker need?

Bacon. It needs bacon. It needs some onion. It needs this. And you learn how to cook. That's how you learn how to cook when you're high. Anybody could cook sober. Right?

Any fucking any of you could cook. Oh, my God. I looked at this represent. Tremendous. Let me see you just get high and go, man. I don't know how I did this. Holy shit, this is pretty fucking delicious. When you cook something, it's really good, and you're high, you're like, wow, this is really fucking delicious.

Yeah, I did that with something you didn't like it. What? The pepperoni and the grilled cheese. It's good. Who the fuck eats pepperoni and grilled cheese? It's good. It's delicious. It's fucking horrific. You don't like pepperoni pizza?

Maybe. Maybe. Pepperonia on like a spicy Italian sandwich With gabagool and fucking provolone Well sometimes you don't got gabagool And so fucking lettuce You mix it up good with the good family Yeah you gotta mix up lettuce

See this is what I'm talking about guys This guy He goes to subway he don't eat the fucking cabbage He eats that turkey fucking baloney Which is worse for you than anything in the world How are you buddy? I'm good not as high as you I just got fucking somebody in here

Came in here with dog hair and I can't breathe right now. You, motherfucker. How dare you? I can't breathe. I've had a fucking problem since I got an ear infection or some shit. I just got a...

Don't want them to bring you a tissue? No, I don't want you to bring me a fucking tissue. No, I don't want me no fucking tissue. I got a sleeve. I need the tissue. Right or wrong. What fucking meant, dog? We blow our noses on this motherfucker.

I blow my nose on old socks. My wife just looks at me like, Like if they're on the floor, I'll just pick them up and blow my fucking nose. Underwear, shorts, I don't give a fuck. If I could save a tissue, shit. I'll fucking save a tissue. That box, my wife puts it behind me. So I got to stretch my arm.

I have bad shoulders, so it pisses me off. So at night when I get home, I take my socks off. And I keep them close by, right by the car's time. No, but they're not socks that have been on all day either, lady. I'm not like the rest of these. fucking animals. How often you do your socks? Let me break it down to you, all right?

I get up in the morning, after breakfast, I wash my pussy. Let's break it down. And I put a new pair of socks on. Then I have activities throughout the day and I wash my pussy again. So that's about 2, 3 o'clock. Then about whatever the rest of the day.

Yeah, I change fucking socks. She's supposed to change socks. Nobody takes a shower and puts on the same fucking socks. Unless you're in fucking prison. You don't get a laundry paper. or some shit. How many pairs of socks do you own?

A thousand of them. When I go to other cities and I spot a Walmart, that's what a player does. You understand me? When you go to another city, especially a fat city, anything in Texas, if they have two XL socks, that means they're nine XL for the natural motherfucker, right? So I buy socks everywhere I go, Lee. So I always have socks. So I take another shower and then I say I have a spot that night, but I've been on the floor.

been on the floor of my daughter, petting the cat, smoking dope, scratching my nuts and sniffing my biggest. You know, because sometimes you scratch your balls and you scratch your neck. One of you guys gives me a hug tonight, you're like, his neck smelled like balls, dog. What the fuck? That's not right.

What type of gay guy is Joey? Why would it... Do they rub nuts on the right side of his neck? What type of cult is that? So I take another shot. I'm a fat dude, bro. You know, you have previsies. when you're a fat dude

and you got to hit them all and keep them all clean I got the lufa and then I got a baby lufa I got a big lufa and a baby lufa the big lufus the big lufus for everything else the foot everything and the baby lufa is for around the asshole to get the barnacles

dog if you shit enough shit sticks to the walls it's like a ship they got barnacles same thing even if you take two showers and wipe your ass you're going to have like a shot You know what I'm saying? Like a little zero.

Does anyone have barnacles? I've never had a barnacle. Not barnacle, but like after dust. Like after... It just surrounded... Oh my God is right. Right or wrong. Right or wrong.

Who wants to go down there and lick somebody's asshole? And they got barnacle juice around their asshole. I mean, you're still licking the heat of the moment because you're down, you know what I'm saying? But fuck. So I don't, you know, not that anybody's licking my asshole, I just, just in case we get captured.

What if I get captured by a bus, a woman full of recovering cock suckers, right? And half of them are addicted to rim jobs, right? And they take me off to 170 because that's where people are going to lick your asshole take you. Right or wrong.

Nothing good to. ever happens on the 170. You ever get on the 170? You're always going to do something bad. This ain't right, dog. You're not taking me to Seamy Valley, are you? We ain't going to fuck the Seamy Valley and shit. Nah, I'm just kidding.

I'm not here to hurt nobody's feelings. I like Seamy Valley. That's the only mall. There's only three stores left on that motherfucker. You go to that mall and Stevie Mall, it's got AIDS. It's skinny as fuck. It's got a taco place, an ice cream place, and like a fucking GN.

Caputs, that's it. I went up there a few weeks ago, Caputts. So that's it. So I got two loophers. My wife always go, what the little one for? Mind your business for my toenails. Not for my fucking toenness, for my asshole,

and deep under the nut sack, because that's what the algae develops. Deep down there. Whatever. I'm not here to criticize, but Lee takes one shower a day. How are you going to live on one shower daily? And you take it in the morning. By six o'clock at night, your ass.

No, I take it after I go to gym. So you wake up in the morning and you sit with that rotten asshole day from the night before. If I don't have anywhere to go, yeah. Because what the fuck you think happens to your asshole at night while you're sleeping? Fumes come out of your body, right?

And they're not like the air fumes. That again, they surround your asshole like barnacles. You don't see them. And around your ass. I live on my butthole. No, you don't. I do. Even if you... But I don't have a...

several. Like I get furious if I take a shower and then I got a shit. Like that ruins my morning because now I got to walk around with rotten ass. Dog, I'm 306. I know what my ass smells like. It's rotten. After a shit, I take a drive to Santa Monica. My ass is on fire. I'm not going to lie to your people. You know what I'm saying? We're family. Anyway. Why are you wrong? I saw my, I did a colonoscopy this year.

And they send you a camera, they put a camera in your butt that goes through your, you know, they really do. I'm not messing with you guys. You know what? I'm going to post the pictures on Facebook. No, no, no. Just one. You're going to get banned for life in like two minutes. No, no, no, no.

They don't let butthole pictures go on my Facebook. Somebody's pussy and some of these assholes, two different things, right? Especially when it's anonymous. We'll put it on one of Joey Dia's pages. It's anonymous. But you just said it right now. What? You just said it right now. Well, family, there's no rats in the room.

What do you think? These guys are going to get up one morning and see the picture of my asshole. We know that asshole, you know. Contact Facebook. It's abusive, you know. Listen, I don't know if there's a reward. You should make you your Twitter avatar for a few days. I know whose asshole that is.

How do I know? How do I know? Let me tell you what I want. This deal. are my demands. I want free advertising. Joey Diaz, that's who's asshole. How do I know?

Listen to live podcast 18 at the 238 mark. He states it right there. It's a warrant for his arrest right there. Now, how do I collect my motherfucking reward?

Put a picture by it, and it's the out. The camera work is tremendous. All these people. Oh, Avatar was spectacular. Not really. When you see the guy who shot my asshole, because the camera starts like eight inches away from your asshole. I don't know how they open it.

I didn't want to know. I never asked. I was knocked out. They knocked you out, right? And they put a camera that goes into your muffler. And it looks at your esophagus all the way to your small intestines, your large intestines. It looks

all through in there. It's amazing. and say, wait till you're 50, you have to get it done. Your insurance company will call you and say, hey, you got to go down. And at first, they shock you because they're like, Mr. Diaz, hi, this is Kaiser Permanente. Do you have a minute? And you're in the car, like, you know, yeah, I got a minute. What's up? Listen, you know.

Because at first, if you went for a blood test, you don't have a minute. No, wrong number. I'm a fucker telling me I got chlamydia. I told the bitch it went away. First time they called me, they caught me all fucked up And they're like, listen, Mr. Diaz, we need to speak to you, are you alone? Yes, I am. We need for you to defecate in the cup and send it to us

I thought it was a joke, what? We need for you to defecate in the cup and send it to us We'll send you a cup in the mail. I'm like, whatever, yeah, all right, no I'm not going to shit in somebody's cup and send her in the mail. That's a felony for sure If you sent me a couple of shit, I call the cops. Listen, I just got a...

Is this Facebook? Oh my God. Jesus Christ, it's amazing. The year's already gone, guys. That's it. Tonight I was getting the car on my way up here. I was going to a weed store the second time, and I was sitting in the car. And I'm like, you know, I'm excited.

It's 2015. I'm excited for my daughter, for Lee, you know, the podcast and shit. I'm like, but every day that goes is one less day we live. That's basically it. You know, you don't think about it that way. I was like, wow, another fucking new year. I still remember being New Year's 83, driving my friend to the hospital because they bit his ear off.

And a baggie with ice in it. Unbelievable. And my friend had his ear driving down Kennedy Boulevard with a baggie with a baggie with the kid's ear and he's in the back with ice in his ear and all of a sudden here i am like a man with this fucking gogooots about the poison like how fast it went i was telling the lead you a day year 26 fucking it goes fucking fast guys it'll be 26 then 33 then 41 then 48 it goes by fucking fast so get up tomorrow it's a new year write your goals and get ready to sling some dick They ain't stopping me.

That's it. That's the truth. I'm happy you guys came out tonight. Thank you very much, from the bottom of my heart. Happy New Year. I love you guys. I got a half a joint hidden by the garbage can. There's a pipe over.

There's two pipes. I got it in there. You know me, I'm half a Puerto Rican, so I'll be out there. Thank you for the bottom of my heart, man. I didn't know where to go with this tonight. I love you guys. We're a little podcast. That puts along because of you guys, you know, but you know, you get to see it and unwind with us and whatever.

So thank you. You know, God bless you. All right. Watches your back. And I love you guys. Have a happy and great new year. Anything you want next year. Please fucking go for it.

Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Get a gun. Fuck it. Fuck it. Do it.