The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #016 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: November 25, 2020

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Let's do this shit. Candles are motherfucking lit, Jack. Even though I got to get a long fucking. and wick or a longer arm. There you go, motherfucker. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. Look who it is. What's happened? What's happened, you bad motherfuckers?

Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. It's Wednesday, the 25th November, my 11th wedding anniversary. How's that for you, cock suckers? I remember the same woman for 20 years, 11 married. Took me nine just to make sure she was the right one. I make a mistake, you know what I'm saying? You motherfuckers date a girl.

for 60 days, you fall in love, then you wonder why you're divorced a year later because you didn't get to fucking see what the true meaning of love was or whatever the fuck it is. I'm happy to be here. A day before Thanksgiving, there's a lot of going on, and we'll get to it. I still got to go get my fucking wife a card.

I'm fucking retarded in mine. So right after this, I got to run somewhere and get a card, maybe a bottle of fucking M-A. You know, we can't even do anything tonight because I got Uncle Vinnie's tonight, so there's our wedding anniversary. That's all the part of growing up, man. You got to do your job.

You got to, you know, when you get into comedy, you look at all these fucking dates you've got and whatnot. Like, I got to do this. Once I got into comedy, that eliminated my social life. Now it's time to go get my social life back, and that's what I'm trying to fucking do. After two, but can you imagine for 29 years, your only social circle is really comedians.

I mean, in 23 in L.A., I was just surrounded by either comedians or actors, everybody you talk about is about to, same shit. Here, we don't even talk about fucking movies, the TVs, or anything. We just live. We just exist. I'm in a good mood. Everything's great. I'm doing great. The only problem was they closed my daughter's school because of precautionary fucking measures. You know what I'm saying? A million people flew last week, so everybody's fucking panicking. Listen, there was nothing going on at the school. The school was doing great. There was no problems.

there wasn't even a fucking hiccup. But you know what, man, I get it. I get it that they were going to lock it down no matter what the fuck we did. And they're going to keep continuing to lock it down. So, you know what? They can lock down the store. They can lock down your fucking beauty parlor. But they can't lock down Uncle Joey.

You know what I'm saying? Those charges got dismissed. Motherfuckers. It's over. So if we're not, knock the fuck down, lock the fuck down, I'll just make more content for you, motherfuckers and we'll laugh at this shit to get in the year, we'll be laughing at this. You know, regardless of what's going to happen, I'm not concerned with the vaccines.

I don't give a fuck. Every day's a new fucking story. What I'm concerned about more is your mental health, you know, that you're not isolated, that you're not fucking sitting there on a computer all day, you know. You know, yesterday, last night, I went to talk to a friend of mine and he runs like a workout place. It's not why I work out. It's a different place.

You know, he's just a little father, and he didn't do daytime stuff. He didn't have as much daytime stuff available. But it was weird. He said that his daytime class is disintegrated to fucking nothing. And I'm like, I really don't understand that because if I had to work from home, like I have a friend, I went to dinner with Friday night,

she's my friend's wife. She works nine to five on the fucking computer. computer. Nine to five. Let me tell you some guys. I like to write. I like to go on the internet like you guys. You know, I like to do whatever I want. But it's one hour at a fucking time, if that. You know, you got to get up. You got to get some sunlight. You got to go for a walk. I know if I had a day job and I had to work from nine to 12, I called my boss and said, look, at 1145, I'm logging off. And I'll be back at 1.15. And I'll be back at 1.15. And I'll fucking state

through five during the computer I have whatever work you need done because at 1145 I get the fuck out of the house you got to go out I go to a class

kickboxing class jujitsu Pilates whatever the fuck like my buddy's got a Pilates you know whatever the fuck you got you go over there you work out some stress you exercise

you talk to people you have some type of human fucking contact because if you're not going to have human contact that's when you start going deeper into your mind listen listen

and you could only watch so much fucking TV and you could only watch so much Netflix and you could only listen to so many and watch so many fucking podcasts. I'm with you. There's nights I'm sitting here going what the fuck is going on with my life? Thank God I got the Patreon

and answer your messages back and we go back and forth. That's an hour of my night. You know, I have an hour of my night of just planning what's going on the next couple weeks. You know, we haven't been able to make plans. because it's this fucking pandemic.

It's not like I can call you up and go, next Friday, I'll meet you at Nona's for breakfast. You never know. It might not be open. I mean, they rolled back. I think today they rolled back in LA. My heart goes out to you guys during the holiday season, no outdoor dining, no nothing.

I mean, when does this fucking end? But I'm not here to be political. I'm not here to fucking question, whatever. No, you know what? I do have some fucking questions. Because I'm not a fucking communist. If I wanted to be a communist, I would stay the fuck home, you know. You know, no singing in your house, no more than too hot.

Listen, you do what you need to do to manage tomorrow. That's it. Whatever makes you pleasure. If you want to go to a house that has 90 people, God bless you. I'll salute. Do whatever the fuck you need to do. If you want to go to a house with four people, the only thing I don't want you to do is to stay alone.

To stay alone and sit there and feel bad for yourself. There's nothing to feel bad about. You know, Mike, we're talking about Boston Market. You know, and if I got to talk about one of my, and again, it wasn't a bad Thanksgiving. The worst two Thanksgiving on papers for me were probably the one after my mother's debt. That was a tough Thanksgiving. My first Thanksgiving in prison, that's always a tough Thanksgiving. But I had a better time inside than I would have outside.

and I think it was 1997. I was living in Seattle and I was living at a trailer park inside like a trailer, whatever the fuck you call it. The girl I dated had a trailer

and she went home for the holidays. So basically, I was alone all fucking week. I'm not complaining. I'm not crying. You know what I'm saying? I had plenty to do as a comic. But Thanksgiving, I spent it alone. I went to Boston Market. I got myself the family meal for eight.

You know what I'm saying? Fuck it, solo. And you start eating at 12. You just pick, eat some of the other stuffing ain't that good. But the turkey ain't going to kill you from Boston Market. And the mashed potatoes ain't going to kill you. They're not prison mashed potatoes. I got a friend that made worse mashed potatoes in fucking Boston Market.

Boston Market's not bad. Thanksgiving is about fucking being thankful with what you got. I don't want you to sit here today and tomorrow. and think about, you know, well, this year was a bust. Yeah, it was a bust. What are we going to do? It's behind this. That's it.

There's nothing you can do. There's nothing we can do to get it back. They're going to shut it down again. Whatever the fuck they're going to do, you need to make yourself stronger. Stronger in a positive way, stronger. Whatever takes you to be stronger, I started reading again. Let's start with the read. Before I go right, I said to myself, listen, why am I going to fucking?

Why am I beating myself up? about writing when I haven't read a fucking book since March. I have not read a book since I've been on a fucking plane. So now I just got Rob Halford's book from Jimmy Flomantine. He finished reading it. I can't wait to read this book about him dating people and busting O-rings and getting this dick suck by guitar plays and shit like that. This is great.

I can't wait to read this book. You know me? I'm part of the LGBTQ. fucking straight community I support you whatever you want I get a good laugh on you motherfuckers because you don't give a fuck not like these uptight

fucking Gentiles walking around gay people just don't give a fuck and that's why I love you more than ever but anyway I'm looking forward to reading this Rob Hauffin book because before you can write I'm not going to write if I don't fucking read I haven't read shit I read little articles

on fucking you know on Yahoo about fucking health or a vaccine or something Fauci said, and I don't give a fuck. I just read it just for the sense of reading it. I'm finally going to sit down and fucking read and try to focus.

And, you know, when I was a kid in the seventh grade, you know, we all fucking were scammers growing up. So a teacher gives you a book report. I turned to Mike and go, Mike, did you have Ms. Hill last year? Yeah. Give me the book report you did for Ms. Hill. I still got them. I got an A plus on them.

So I would take it, type the same shit that you type. and handed into Miss Hill, or whatever a fucking name is. Whoa. That was great for the second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth grade. I had this teacher, Mr. Kingwell, Earl Kingwell at McKinley. God bless his soul. He was a good dude. He was a little loose with his hands.

But trust me, he got beat up a couple times himself. So a couple fathers came in and threw a beat on him. To this day, I remember Earl Kingwell. And I do something with him. I do something with my daughter that he did with us. Because when you had a book report in those days, you had to read a book and then write what you took from it, you know, write about a specific character or whatever the fuck it was.

This motherfucker, when we walked into the seventh grade, first day of school, he goes, guess what? You guys got homework. You got a book to read. Pick any book, and I don't do paper book reports. I do oral book reports. You have no idea what life is. When you're a kid and you want to go out and play

and you've got to read a book. Thank God I was used to reading already. I always liked reading books. I didn't read kid books either. I read books in those days that a movie would, like if a movie came out and they had a book, I would read the fucking book after I saw the movie or vice versa. I was one of those little fucking retards.

But my favorite book, the book that I read, that summer, not my favorite book. What the fuck am I saying? The book, I read that summer was Jonathan Livingston Segal. I don't even know why I picked it. They had like a book club, and I just picked it.

I don't know who Jonathan Livingston Segal is. I just took the fucking book. And I read it like in June. I read it right after, and he gave me the book. And then September 1 came, and he gave me this oral book report. And I fucking failed.

Like, I didn't know dick about nothing because I forgot. about what I had read since June, I should have picked it up and re-read it. The moral of the story is, you've got to get your comprehension going. For me right now, guys, there's days.

I don't remember what the fuck I ate for breakfast, you know, but I am getting better. The alpha brain cycle is almost over. I'm starting to get the nightmares again and shit. You don't get nightmares on alpha brain. Towards the end of your cycle, your dreams become more vivid. So like last night I drunk about a cat.

I don't know why a black fucking beautiful cat that I kept walking past and I thought it was something else. And then I realized it was a cat, but then I woke up to pee and I was worried about what happened to that fucking cat. You ever have one of those dreams that you're in the middle of a good fucking dream?

She's just about to put a Coke rock into your pee hole and suck your cock. And all of a sudden you gotta pee and you get up and while you're peeing, you're like, I want this fucking pee to hurry up. So I go back and get my dick sucked in my dream. But then you go back and you dream about church or something. The blowjob dream went away.

You know, I don't even know. We got to this point. What I'm just trying to say to you? That towards the end of an alpha brain cycle, you get old, your dreams become vivid. I'm bullshit. Your dreams get vivid in the beginning, too. But it comes and goes.

Like I had a dream last week. I climbed like Mount Kalahari. Have I ever spoken to you people about climbing anything? I fucking, I see last. And I get a fucking stress. Like, when I see stairs, when I come to your house and you're like, yeah, let's go upstairs. I'm like, upstairs, my fucking knee is on fire. I'm not, I'm not thinking of fucking walking nowhere.

But I tell you what, I had a dream that I was hiking with like, hey dudes I never knew before with backpacks. I had the whole thing, the fucking hat with the light. Like, I was like, what the fuck kind of dream is this? You even just wake up and go, you know what? I'm not going to deal with that dream. just not going to deal with that dream. It had nothing to do with me. I wasn't even watching like any movies or anything.

I could say if I was watching that movie, it's Stallone where he's climbing mountains and his friend falls off or something like that. But I wasn't even watching that fucking movie. I was watching something completely fucking different. So this is what I'm talking about. If you're on an alpha brain cycle, you're going to get some vivid fucking dreams.

And they ain't that bad. Just let him go in the morning. You don't want to know about nothing. You guys are looking at me going, Joey, why the fuck? do you have a light blue shirt on again? Because these are the shirts I'm going to use for the mind of Joey Diaz.

There's going to be a logo right here and a logo in the back for you, motherfuckers. I made it light blue because it screams happiness without being fucking, you know, without wanting a dick in your mouth. You know what I'm saying? Look at this shirt. It yells happiness.

When you see this shirt coming to the room, you're like, that motherfucker's got on, is on a positive fucking note this. This is why I've been wearing them. So the company sent me a couple samples. So I've been wearing the sweatshirts and the T-shirts just to see which shirt was the best for you. This ain't one of the ones because I need something that doesn't shrink.

A couple nights ago, I'm going to get out on Patreon. I swear to God, maybe like fucking last Tuesday night or something. I opened up one of the messers. The guy's like, hey, do you know if this shirt's going to be 50-50 or a poly-collar cotton blend? I'm like, how many fucking joints have you smoked? It's 11 o'clock at night, and this is the question that you want to ask me

at 11 o'clock at night. I don't know what type of shirts are going to be. Wait until I get them, and then I'll fucking talk about it on the podcast or on Patreon or whatever. I got a bunch of shirts. The company's a great shirt. The company I'm doing business with is tremendous.

They do business with all the rock bands, so you're going to get great fucking material. The only thing I'm doing different is I'm not putting out black shirts. I don't like black shirts. You're telling me you didn't want to pay the extra 50 fucking sense to be a cheap squirt. Just get a different colored shirt to show who the fuck you are.

You know what I'm saying? I wanted to go with a dark blue, but we ain't going to court. A light blue screams it all. You know what I'm saying? A light blue tells it all. It's happy. It goes with your jeans. It goes with black pants and white shoes.

You're always mixed coordinated. You know what I want you to look good. I want you to feel good about this shirt. I'm not going to give you some fucking Susquehanna's shirt. Susquehanna is not in my fucking world. And I just want to let you know I'm trying to get you guys the shirts. We put the order in last Friday. So we're trying to get the shirts for you guys.

And even if you didn't go up to that tier, never fear Uncle Joey's here. We're still going to put shirts up for you for sale and whatnot. Another thing I want to talk to you motherfuckers about is I've been having a good time lately here. Part of my happiness isn't, listen, I was talking to Greg Fitzsimmons the other day, and we were both talking about the same thing. We were burnt out.

A lot of these comics have been burnt out. You know, if you're young and you're energetic and you, you know, you're just starting to get into it, I could see how you're bummed, and listen, I sympathize with you. You know, I know being an open mic or having a job, try being an open mic or having a job. job five nights and you're dying to get on stage and you can't because

every night you've got to work it's not the same thing but it is the same thing. They're holding us back from what we could do right now. I miss doing comedy. I miss the completion of the circle. You know, I got an email and the guy's like, you know what? It was great to see you, but I really

missed the completion to the circle. I miss the completion of the circle also. But you know what? We're going to have plenty of fucking circles. As far as I'm concerned, I'm not going anywhere unless God has a different fucking plan. You guys know I take my little baby aspirins. You know, I drink water. You know, I fucking work out.

You know, I try to walk. I finally went to a doctor. Oh, I wanted to strangle this fucking guy. I tried to go to an Italian guy. I'm in Jersey. I thought he was in coming looking like big pussy. The guy came in looking like fucking, I don't even know what he looked like. He looked like a fucking American.

The guy had a fucking stick up his ass. everything I asked a fucking guy. He was negative as fuck. He goes, what are you here to do? I go, listen, I want a colonoscopy. I want a camera up my ass. I want to see what's happening. I don't want to have prostate cancer.

He goes, when was your last fucking whatever? It was six years ago. This guy goes, oh, we'd like for you to do it every 10 years. I go, you know what, man? I work really fucking hard, and I got to put up with a ton of shit to get my fucking insurance. I want this fucking colonoscopy.

And he looked at me and he goes, well, it's going to cost that. Give us the fuck what it's going to cost me. If it's going to save your fucking life, you got to do these colonoscopies. Listen, I don't want, I don't even like, I don't like cameras. Can you imagine spreading your fucking cheeks and having somebody put a camera up your ass? You don't think that's fucking enjoyable? Just the thought of fucking Doc Ox's hand going through your intestines makes me fucking

want to shoot myself, but you got to do it, guys. And they're saying, like they were saying 55, you got to start doing it at 45 now. And you got to start doing it every five years just to take 40. Even Mike said 40 at that book. This fucking guy is telling me. Then he starts arguing with me. Like, listen, guys, I don't know the names of shit.

That's not my day. My wife, I told the guy, listen, I told my wife, I asked my wife, can you write out a list for me of the medications I'm on, you know, everything. The skin cream from my fucking rash, fucking the whatever. So I don't know.

what the name of the fucking thing he gives me for anxiety is. I said to him that, you know, I had some left and everything was fine. And he's like, what do you want for anxiety? Again, I don't know the names of these pills. I told him Clonopine, right? I don't fucking know. And the guy's like, well, I would never prescribe that. I would prescribe you those fucking, no, the other ones,

the suicide ones, the fucking, the ones that give you an urge to get. Like, you ever see those commercials like, you know, this pill is great. You'll learn to live a normal life. Except you'll get a sudden urge to commit suicide and gamble and do all this shit and smoke cigarettes. What the fuck is what kind of medication is it? So it's going to make me healthy, but I'm going to get a sudden urge to go to the track? That's not going to do nothing for me.

You know what I'm saying? It's just when do I fucking get a sudden urge to go to the track? So all these medicates, I just said, listen, I want to do nothing. I'll deal with my fucking reefer. And it gets me where I need to be. I've been, as you can tell from my eyes and my face I've been very clean from a lot of fucking

Malukia, no more edibles every day. I've been good, man. I'm smoking weed like a motherfucker. I'm smoking weed like three hands. I found my ounce and then some, you know what I was trying to get these people about is that it's really true for the first like the last 20 years.

I've been surrounded with fucking comics. It's not until I come home and I see people when I travel on the road, I see people who weld for a living or, you know, somebody who fucking is a librarian or, you know, but besides that, my conversations for the last 20 years have been, I've been surrounded by comedians. So now the problem I had, my anxiety, you ready for this? This is what you get from writing every day. You learn about who the fuck you are. That's why I tell you, motherfuckers, journal in the morning, and if you could journal at night, that journal at night is also good because you can compare the writing of what you felt like in the morning

and what you felt like at night. But what this journal helps you fucking read. You just keep reading and read. And I don't want you to fucking think you got to be a Hemingway because if you think I'm fucking Hemingway, I'm misspelling words. I'm not even stopping for periods. There ain't no fucking commas. This is just writing out what's on your mind, that garbage that you wake up with. What's in your mind? You know, like I asked Mike about his kids every time I see him.

How's it going? Oh, well, the little one didn't pee on me last night. You know, that's what I want you to write down. All that stuff. Write it down. Right down all that shit in the morning. and always end it when it's going to be a good fucking day

no matter what. And then when you pick it up at night, once you start reading through these things, the anxiety that I was having was me reintroducing myself to a regular fucking society.

That was what my fear was. I finally tapped into it. My fear was that I was adjusting to a different fucking society. I'm not on the phone with producers and fucking actors and desperate fucking people every day. I'm surrounded by nice, regular people. So my mind was learning to deal with this again.

My mind, everything about me was learning to fucking, it's like learning how to walk again. I'm just learning a new life. And guess what? I'm not the only one that's going through this. You guys are too. You're learning how to live in this new fucking COVID life. For me, it was moving,

but I'm also learning how to live in this fucking COVID life. You know, what are we able to do? What can't we do? How are our events going to change next year? If you're a theater performer, how are you going to fucking perform? All these things are changing. This is, we're going to go.

going into a new life. But to me, I was going into two new lives. I was adjusting as a human being, how you guys are with the pandemic, and I was also adjusting as Joey Diaz as a comic. You know, I don't have this shit around me no more, which I didn't want anyway. I wasn't looking to have that. I was looking to have a Frank the neighbor, a Rudy the neighbor, a Robin the neighbor. These are the people around me that I talk to, they don't know what I do. They don't know what I They don't give a fuck about nothing. One guy said to me the other day, he goes, hey man, I thought I saw you on an episode of the cabin.

Was that you? And I go, no, he goes, it didn't look like you from the side. Like a fucking, I don't know, like commercials. I don't know what the fucking saw. You know, that's not what this is about. This is about just being human again for a guy like me. I'm going to continue doing a podcast. I don't give a fuck.

You know us, man. We're going to keep this relationship going. And, hey, I have my office. some of my downs with the podcast. But you know what? It's the motherfuckers who quit that have something to talk about. I'm not quitting.

I'm going to keep coming to you. Me and Mikey are coming up with new ideas every week. This week we changed the picture. We changed the lighting around. We're going to figure we just got an extend so I could do my zooms from here. You know, I don't really like the zooms.

But from now till St. Geron's Day, I don't know if they're going to have fucking guests. In fact, I was going to have a special guest in today, but guess what happened? They fucking shut the schools down. So his kid, he had to watch his kid today. So everything changes.

Every day you adapt and every day you got a different story. Something I want to talk to you about was something that's been going on lately. I don't know if I told you this. Every Sunday, Jimmy Florentine has a thing. He gets wings. He gets pizzas out of his own pocket. He gets shrimp. You know, he set up a big screen TV downstairs.

It's got, you know, air coming in and out of there. So our friends come over, his friends come over, mainly the kids he grew up with, kids that you can't bring around your family because they say the wildest shit in the fucking world. Every fucking nationality gets insulted, you know, shit's setting there that's fantastic on Sundays. And I've been having a great time going.

And I know a lot of years are going to go, Fuck you, Joey. Fucking five years ago, you were giving Lee shit for watching football. It was a different world for me back then. I didn't have time to fucking watch football.

All I had time was to do was write comedy, go on the road, podcast, and we prepared for you fucking guys who had the fucking luxury, who had the leisure to sit on the couch

for four fucking hours and watch football all day. I don't. But I tell you what I do have, I do have the fucking time to go over there about three, o'clock on a Saturday, on a Sunday,

catch the tail end of the game, the 1 o'clock game, and then I watch the 4 o'clock game with them for about half time of the third quarter, and then I come home and eat dinner with my wife and my daughter, and I watch my 60 minutes. That's my fucking Sundays. There's no fucking brain in here.

But I've been going over there lately, and I've been placing little bets and shit. Now, guys, listen, there's two ways to fucking gamble. When I was a kid, I gambled. You know, I placed numbers, which were $2, $3, $5. That's not going to set you back. That's not going to make your family not eat.

That's not going to make you run from a bookie. In the early 80s and the mid, like 81, 82, was when I started placing bets because all my friends are doing it. I was interested and you can make money. And if you didn't have the money, you could tell the guy to go fuck himself. And hopefully he didn't break your fucking legs. You know what I'm saying? So when I started gambling the first time, I was gambling because we all wanted to be Joey bananas.

Who doesn't want to walk into a bar and go, hey, I had the fucking Knicks 100 times. That's 600 to lose, 500 to win. A time is $5. So if you win, if I say five times, I bet a five-timer, that's $25 to $25 to win. win, 30 to lose. It might have changed now. I don't know what's going on the street. You know, lately I've just been going through draft kings, whatever, when I go to Jimmy Florentine's house. But I found something about draft kings. You know, when I, when I gambled early on, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I was gambling to make a living, you know, an 18 year old, 19, 20. I'm

fucking stupid. I'm thinking, yeah, I got this figured out. How can, you know, people not do this shit? I can make a ton of money. I didn't make no money. Every other week, I was fucking robbing something to pay a bookie or hiding out for a week because I couldn't pay a bookie.

Then September 25th of 82 was when I fucking hit, you know, I lost a big amount to a bookie, me and some friends of mine and I had to rob a jewelry store. And then through that, another buddy in mine,

my roommate at the time, got hooked on gambling in a way that you couldn't get fucking hooked on at that age. At 1920, this guy was putting in 20 grand, 10 grand, 5 grand a game. And this guy was making fucking 10 bucks an hour as a short order cook. You know, he ended up losing 80 grand. He lost his mind. He paid it all off. But I learned a valuable lesson from then. And since then, since 83, it was that dolphin fucking redskin championship. I always watch my gambling.

I didn't really gamble because I saw how quick you could fall into a fucking hole. So I didn't gamble at all. I didn't have anything against it. You know, I grew up in a fucking bookie house, numbers. I heard all about sports all my life. And I always continued liking sports. I just didn't have the time. You know, when you're a burglar, it's tough to fucking be into sports.

When you're a criminal and a junkie, it's tough to fucking be into sports. I always liked them. I always respected them. Over the years, I got my life together. I started watching a little football. You know, towards the World Series, I watched baseball. You know, I like basketball. If I like a certain player, you know, my man, Sidney Moncrief.

You know, I'm a fan. I'm a fan of all this shit. But I never really gambled again. Then I fucking went to a UFC. I went to McGregor Diaz, the first one. I took Diaz just because I know how hard it is to work. in Jiu-Jitsu, I thought about it. You know, we work hard for our money, guys.

You know, I would love to be able to put $10,000 on a college game on a Saturday, but it's not what I really want to do. But I tell you, what I do want to do, I do want to watch that fucking game and have a dog in the fight, at least a little dog in the fight, right? So what I do is I don't better, I'm not gambling above my head or anything. I mean, last Saturday, last Sunday, I lost $22. Big fucking deal.

That's a tank of gas. You know what I'm saying? It's not like my family's not going to eat. It's not like my fucking, I got to come home with a story to my wife. Not. I lost $22. I think the week before that,

I won $38. So, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's just, I'm just gambling to have fun. You know, so if you, if you want to have a little fun, nobody's got nothing to get, you know,

going on draft kings, They have those booster bets and whatnot. I don't know if you know that shit. And that's kind of fun. Like fucking Jimmy Farrington had the Jets getting like 20 last week. And I think he's still fucking lost. I don't know. They do those teasers.

That's teaser bets. They have all those things on that. But the bottom of this is, I've been gambling again. That's it. I've been having a good little time putting in my bets during the Sunday mornings. I look at the sheet on. fucking Saturday, and I go over them back tomorrow, you got a few games.

Tomorrow I'll be going to different, I'm going to see my brother, who lost his wife first. I'm going down by him, not all the way to Delaware. We're going to meet at his mother's house. He's not eating there. He's eating at his sister's house. So we're just going to hook up. I'm going to give him a hug, talk to him for an hour. And then I'm going to my other brother's house.

And about half hour from there in New Jersey. It's going to be like eight people, very small, two household Thanksgiving. I'm not breaking the fucking law for you people who are crime stoppers, you know? Oh my God, you know, I'm just eight people. And it's going to rain here tomorrow, so hopefully those doors will be open. And then maybe on the way home, stop at the Florentines for a little fucking dessert, a little fucking double espresso. So when you go home, you take the shit of life, you know what I'm saying?

All that turkey doesn't have you backed up and all the other shit you're gonna fucking eat. And that's it. That's my day. I'll put in a few bets tomorrow. Let me show you the weed I got for tomorrow. I know that on Patreon. I'm supposed to do like a review every week

of some weed or whatever. But this week, it's on me. Even for you guys on iTunes, you can't see this. But you guys on YouTube are going to be able to see this. I told you motherfuckers, I lost some weed. Then I had to get just as high

and I found the fucking wheat. Did I not tell you that last week? But then the shipment came in. And when I tell you, the shipment came in, the shipment came in. I'm covered here. I don't give a fuck. If you quarantine me,

I don't give a fuck if you close the streets. I'm still good. I'm going to show you just a bud of this fucking weed. Now, remember the movie Young Frankenstein? the people who made young frankestine that's who made this fucking weed this weed makes you even look like young Frankenstein I've only smoked it

maybe once or twice since I've gotten it and I've gotten pretty fucking high I tested out my man Mike I gave him something he came back and was like wow so take a look at this fucking reaper I got for you guys we're not going to be able to zoom it in for you but I want you to look at this fucking

bud right here If this don't look like the butt of life, I don't know what does. Look how beautiful that is. Ooh. Ooh. And guess what? I'm going to smoke the whole fucking thing on Thanksgiving. That's my goal tomorrow.

I'm going to smoke. I'm going to eat as much turkey as I can because it's zero points for weight watches. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And I might have a piece of pumpkin pie just because that's how I. I wrote, but look at that button. That's just a preview. I'm going to show up my brother's house, and I gave Mikey a piece of this. He's all, he's all jazzed up,

ready to go. I gave him a couple of fucking pro tabs just to keep them just to keep them legit, you know what I'm saying, around his family tomorrow. Nobody knows nothing. You walk on a couple pro tabs. Everybody's fucking happy.

And that's it and that's that. You know what I'm saying? It's just fucking Thanksgiving. And listen, yeah, it was a bad, year we lost some loved ones you know we all lost loved ones we had to make personal adjustments we had to make personal sacrifices but it's not about what you don't have this year it's not about it's not about what you lost or it's about what we do have and how we get how we get stronger to move on from here that's all it's a about this year, Thanksgiving.

So tomorrow, when you're sitting there and you're looking around and you have your doubts, eliminate your doubts. Just live for today. From here on in for the next few months, I hope you guys are listening to me and paying attention that we're living for the day. We're living for the day. We don't know what they're going to close down. We don't know what they're going to open up.

We don't know if we're going to get hit with a second wave. We don't know how the flu is going to accept it. But how I do know is that we're going to keep fucking pushing forward, man. We're going to keep doing what we're doing, even if it's little by little. There is no reason why you should be stopped in your life right now because there's some form of variation we can be doing what we're doing. I was reading an article by somebody that day. Oh, oh, somebody wrote a regular stand-up comic.

wrote a great little thing on Facebook saying that, you know, he was struggling, he was having a hard time, he was suffering, what was going on with all this. And then he realized that comedy, you know, thank God that the people see this, the way I look at it, that comedy is just a form of sales. So he said he got himself a customer service job. And he's practicing this comedy on the customer service people and he's having a great time that he's doing Zoom shows. that he's writing, that he's doing Zoom writings with people. Like he gets on, I don't do none of this shit. You know, I'm a sack of shit. But I'm just telling you that there's people out there doing creative things

and they're working with what they got. Right now, listen, we wanted to have the bar ready for you. I wanted to have microphones and neon signs. That was a great little mind fuck I had myself. This is what we have. We have two bulbs. We have a couple iPhones. We have a board.

We have speakers. Mike is here and I'm here. And we're making it work. You know why? Because I'm getting through to you. That's it. I'm getting through to you. I'm still allowed to talk to you guys.

And you know what I mean? I'll find the fucking way. If they take down YouTube, we'll periscope. If they take down periscope, we'll get a telescope and look at each other. We'll figure it out. We'll figure one way. another, how will you keep this going?

I don't give a fuck. I'm not planning on stopping. We're planning on making this better and better every time we fucking come out. You got a lot. You got a lot going on in your life. You don't even fucking know it. And you don't have time to realize it because you're focusing on what you don't have. You know, I woke up this morning to a message from a friend that, wow, it was very deep.

I've spoken to him a couple times with great friends but for him to send me this message it was just buck wild and I'm going to call him later it's isolation issues he's isolated

he's doing everything that I'm telling you not to do he's looking at what he doesn't have you know he's got a job this guy's got a job he's just single he works he has money coming in

but just going home at night is really taking a toll on him you know a couple days ago we were going back and forth on Facebook and he brought something up that happened Jesus Christ 42 years ago

and it was the most minute thing in the world and he still had a fucking beef with it So when I see those type of messages, this is what makes me talk to you people like this, because I have to assume we all have a friend that's going through some mental health issue right now. And I'm not going to shun him or call him out or fucking embarrass him. What he needs is attention. He just needs me to give him attention. You know, he's a grown man.

But right now this pandemic has made as regressed us. I mean, I have friends that their kids were on the students, and all of a sudden, they're struggling in school, you know. Thank God that, thank God, thank God. And I don't mean this in a braggadocia way or in a bad way. Thank God my wife spends time with mercy. Thank God that I sit with mercy and I make her read me, those God-awful books, the fucking diary of a wimpy kid.

she reads all of them she goes to the library I mean she'll put one away every two days or one every day we gotta go to library every fucking three days but thank God that I've had the patience to sit with her and read and make her read

you know sometimes I go to the bank and I have like singles and you live your life and also one day you look at your wallet and you have like two 20s a 10 18 singles and a 5 I give a little assignments. I go, if you can count this right and stack it up right,

I'll give you five dollars right off the fucking top. So I just want to keep her thinking and get her involved, you know, but there's people that are not doing that. There's people that are actually sitting down in front of a TV, and then when they get bored, they let their mind go the other way, and it taps into all the bad things that they've gone through all their life and negative experiences, and then it adds on. This isn't going to be good.

This is what people are scared of. Did you guys watch 60 minutes on fucking Sunday? 7,000 kids went missing from the school system in Tampa, Florida. People just stop checking in. People are dropping out. Kids are dropping out. You know, they had these social workers going and looking for these fucking kids. And now they're down.

They went from 7,000 to 7,000. You know, they trace these kids back, people who didn't even have money for computers, people whose parents had to move because of their financial situations. Hey, I'm aware of what's going on out there. I'm not one of these fucking guys living in L.A. In a fucking bench and saying everything's all right. I know exactly what's going on out there. That's why I do these things.

To let you know on with you, I have your back. I support you any way you can. And I know things are fucking rough. And that's why I come into your living room twice a week and try to be funny and try to talk to you. And in time, these will get funnier. And in time, we will have fucking guests. And in time, but for right now, this is all I can give you. I give you two hours of me every week and give it to you from straight from the heart

and let you know what the fuck I'm thinking and how I'm doing it. If this is what you can do, this is what you can do. If you need more help with mental or you need more entertaining and more content, to have the Patreon. It's $3.5, $10. I don't expect anything from you guys. Right now, things are tough. You know, I go on my Twitter.

You know, I fuck with you on Facebook. You know, you want to ask me something. Ask me something. I don't give a fuck. I'm here with you guys. What my primary thing about this podcast was today was to let you know two things. A, we're going to be fine. And B, it's going to be a great fucking Thanksgiving.

Whether you got fucking turkey from, Boston Market. Boston Market. You know, that fucking South American turkeys. I don't even know if they're really turkeys. Or your mother's going to make a turkey or you're going to a friend's house. I want you to have the best day you could be. Forget about what's going on.

Forget about pandemics. Forget about pandemoniums. Forget about the news. Don't turn the news on. Forget about the COVID counts. Forget about the low death rates. Just enjoy yourself. Just be you tomorrow.

And Friday and Saturday. I don't know if they're still doing black fucking Fridays. People lining up. Tell me people lining up at midnight. No, mostly in stores. Mostly online. Okay, so it's online. So it's online.

So no savages are going to show up to fucking tomorrow night at midnight and be outside lined up with fucking head gear on and riot patrol gear on to go save $100 on the TV. We're not doing that this year, correctly. I fucking hope not. No co-bordial situations. You don't need to pitch a tent so you get your favorite fucking sneakers.

$10 off. Everything is going to be online. I think Hon. It's having a sale online. CBD lines. Got a Black Friday online. Everybody, so you don't have to do dick online. Friday, we got no football.

We got college basketball. So that's not bad. At least you got some entertainment there. Friday, I'm probably going to go to the gym. I'm going to put my daughter's kickboxing school. It's having like a boot camp from 10 to 3. So I'm going to take her over there so she can get her fucking yaya's out. I'm going to sit with her for the first hour.

And then we're just going to be business as usual. And we'll be right back here on Monday. The album of the week comes out on Patreon on Thursdays. You get another wrap-up audio, little 20-minute musical podcast on Patreon on Fridays. I'm with you. Weekends, we take the weekends off. You're on your own. Cocksuckers.

You guys are big boys. You can take care of yourself. You don't need me fucking blowing smoke up your fucking ass on a fucking on a Saturday and Sunday morning. Give it a breather, Joey. Everybody, you don't need that much fucking attention. You know what I'm saying? And I don't. I do this basically the bullshit with you guys.

Get me out of my fucking dilemmas and move. forward. And if you're looking at me, you can tell. Joey's doing a lot better, little by little. I'm going to find the perfect fucking mix and eventually I'm going to blow your doors off with this fucking podcast. Me and Mike are working on a couple

underground little secret things and we're going to put it together for you. You know what I'm saying? But for right now, I just want to check them with you, motherfuckers. Let you know I love you. I appreciate you. Thank you for putting up with the move. Thank you

for still being here if you're still here. If you're not here, motherfucker, you'll be back. Why? Because I'm like sweet dick Willie. I'll put it back together and this will be here

at some point or another. Like I said to you, we covered Thanksgiving. We covered your help. We covered clothes in the school. And again, I want to tell you, I'm excited about tonight. I don't know what's going to happen in December.

If I, I think I got December. 3rd, 9th, I don't know. I got three more dates on Uncle Vinny's in December, 38 people. I'm very happy to do it. I go down there, I give you 100% of what I got. Like I said, to your creativity is a little on the zero side,

but you know me. I don't fucking quit. I'm going to keep pushing until we get this right. Hopefully my next fucking year, I'll be tip-top, Magoo, Uncle Joey, ready to go, coming at you like a bad motherfucker. Like the big black Kahuna that I am, you bad motherfuckers. So thank you very, very much for being part of Uncle Joey's joint.

No Zoom today, no nothing. I just wanted to come at you directly on Thanksgiving because I know what a lot. Hey, listen, I've been alone on Thanksgiving. And when I say I've been alone, I have had no family on Thanksgiving. So I've experienced all these things. And I've had no family for years on Christmas. Now I have a wife. and I have a child.

I have Mike. I got Lee. We have an extended family. Too bad we all can't see each other. Mike was kind enough to invite me down to his house for Thanksgiving. If I wasn't doing anything, we already had plans and family or whatnot. We wanted to keep the movement low. And I suggest you do the same this year.

You know, listen, man, we do this just to entertain each other and to let you know, I got your back. And I know you motherfucker's got my back. You know what I'm saying? those motherfuckers have disappeared. No more have you heard from them? Why? Because you motherfuckers went off on them and said,

take that back, Jack. You guys got no fucking saying here. He's a kidnapper. I'm a fucking kidnapper. I'll always be a fucking kidnapper. Not anymore. My business, now I just try to come across to you on the fucking screen.

And trust me, I have an idea of what I said today or what the fuck I'm talking about. But in time, we'll have the control back and we'll be rocking and rolling. I want to thank you guys. I want to thank our sponsors. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys

for all the love that you give me and for still being here today 10 years fucking later, even though you heard happy stories a thousand fucking times, all right? I love you guys. Have a great week. And now for a word from our fucking sponsors.

Stay black. See you Monday. All right. I want to thank you guys for listening today. I want to wish you a happy Thanksgiving. I want to thank you for working with me, and I want to thank you for being a part of my life, because without you motherfuckers, I would have nothing.

Before I go, let's make you some little fucking money from the heart of Jersey. I bring you draft kings, motherfuckers. This is the season. It starts tomorrow. Tomorrow, when you're at your fucking friend's house or your friends' families, wherever you're going to go, they're going to start hitting you with Christmas commercials.

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And don't be a fucking gavone. And that's draft kings. Listen, tomorrow we got some great games. I told you Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Washington's and Dallas. I mean, Houston's playing. We got some great games tomorrow. And they're all easy and you can make a little bit of money.

Just don't play over your head right now. what we're going to do tomorrow night is Baltimore, Pittsburgh. Kickoff is at 820 Eastern. Draft Kings is going to give you a chance to double your money when either team scores a touchdown. Joey, what the fuck are you talking about? You heard me right. One single fucking touchdown.

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and then you go out and do whatever the fuck you want, drive around in circles, get your dicks up in the back of a parking lot. I don't give a fuck. But it all starts with the Draft King Sportsbook app. And here's the part the lawyers make me say. Must be 21 old. New Jersey in New Jersey

Indiana, Pennsylvania only. But I know Colorado, Tennessee, a couple of states have made gambling legal. So check and see. I spoke to them yesterday, and I'm almost sure they said yes. Check it out. draftkings.com sportsbook for details.

And if you got a gambling problem, there's help. Call 1-800 gambler. And if you're in Indiana, call 1-800-9 with it. But if you ain't got no motherfucking problems and you're ready to make some money, I advise you to go to the Draft King Sportsbook app, use code Joey, and let's make some fucking Guitas on Thanksgiving Mother fucking Day. The joint is also brought to you by on it. Alpha Brain, one of my fucking favorites. Why?

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So thank you for supporting them, and thank you for coming on here and watching and listening to an old man fucking ramble once or twice a week. I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families. Have a great week, and we'll be back Monday. Tip-top, motherfucker. a goop there you go