The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #018 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: December 2, 2020

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day, December 2nd, it's fucking Christmas month. It's the countdown to fucking Christmas. It's better than you. And Uncle Joey will be here with you throughout the whole fucking thing. I know that, listen, this time of the year is kind of fucking hard for some people. Some people just walk around like, Merry Christmas. Like Merry Christmas. You know, that's great.

You know, you're having a good time. You're part of it. But for some people, Christmas is a rough time of the year. We'll be here this year. all the way till New Year's. No reason to be depressed or fucking sad. Uncle Joey will be here twice a week. You got the Patreon.

No reason to be fucking ho-hum. You know what I'm saying? Unless you're broke, then you're reason to be whole-hum. But that means you're giving out some fucking strong handshakes for Christmas. Handshakes like a motherfucker this year for Christmas. Merry Christmas with a deep look in your eye.

No reason to be ashamed. It's one of those years where you fucking, And the year was a kaput. You know, everybody's saying that, you know, I'm looking at a lot of comedians. They're going, this was that breakout year. Fuck nuts. This was everybody's breakout year.

We all got fucking shit on the bed. But what are you going to do? Put it up on fucking Instagram. This would have been my breakthrough year. What were you going to do? Suck more dick? Who gives a fuck? Nothing you can do about it.

You can look at it and keep complaining. Listen, we got to move. move beyond fucking COVID to the next stage, which is 2021. That's it. 2020 is fucking dead. Whatever the fuck. Use your credit cards. Use them.

Who gives a fuck? Who knows where we're going to end up? Light them on fire. When MasterCard calls you, tell them to suck your dick. Do what I did in 90. I just told him to suck my dick. You're not getting a dime out of me. Go eat your oatmeal and come back.

You know what I'm saying? You ain't getting nothing out of me. Cog suck. But the last thing we're talking about my journey is basketball player and how by me quitting that fucking destroyed me for years I had a hard hard time with that because now I became it became a pattern I just kept quitting everything every time I did something and I was bad at it I just quit at it or if I didn't like it that gave me the right to quit on it quit I had fucking major league opportunities you know for the last couple weeks I've been talking to

you guys like one of my friends i talked to now they're all in their fucking 50s but i forgot you guys are all in your 20s and 30s and you're just learning to navigate your way through life you know some of years are in you know school some years are working on master's programs but the thing that you all fucking share is that you're all looking for the answer like the fucking answer when we're 20 all we want is the fucking answer that's it like how am i going to get to the next level. What am I going to do? What am I going to do after college? You got these fucking student loans. You know, for me, I didn't know what the fuck to do. I, uh, you know, once I quit basketball, the second thing I quit that I regretted with all my heart was high school.

Listen, if you look now, look at your life and look at your successes. High school was just really like a fucking country club for you for a couple more years. It just brought you time. You know, after shit you learned in high school, it doesn't even apply to what you're fucking doing today socially or in your job. But high school is one of those things that you need to do. I loved going to high school. I love school.

For me, it was, you know, a fucking studio 54. But I quit. I quit. It was so easy for me to quit basketball. Once I quit high school, I was, I was. putting together a pattern that I didn't even know I was doing. That's what we do. We do shit and we don't.

And it's called denial to some people. To some people, it's just life. You just don't look at yourself from that fucking realm that I just quit high school. When I quit high school, I felt really, really bad about myself. I don't want you to think. I felt really shitty about myself. I had to turn off a part of myself. There's specific days in my youth.

I remember just feeling really shitty about myself. That day was one that I felt shitty about myself. The day I couldn't pay my credit card bills, because I'm the type of fucking guy I like to pay my fucking bills. The day after I got divorced, like three or four months after I got separated, I just went rogue and just refused to pay my fucking bills. You know, it was a big joke.

Ha-ha, we laughed. I didn't pay my bills. That's not good. wasn't good. I quit. You know, everything I was doing, I was always quitting. You know, I wasn't good at that shit. And I tell you what really fucking changed me a lot. Again, you know, when we're here and we're all fun and games and when I'm on fucking Ryan Sickler's podcast, you know, we're comedians. We're supposed to give light to dark things. You know, when you watch the Sopranos, some of these get, you know, they go to fucking,

they go to give an intervention to Chrissy Maltesante and it turns into a fucking fight, people get hit with chairs and whatnot. Yes, it's an exaggeration. Yes, it could happen. But yes, it's also dark comedy. It's also giving light to a dark situation. What I did with the church and all those years

and my jokes and whatever was give light. That's what comics do. We give light to a dark situation. but I never want you to get, I never want you to be wrong on this. From those young ages, because of quitting basketball, quitting high school, my shit was dark. I overlooked it a lot in our conversations. I was a mess when I was 20, 21, 22. Thank God I had the people around me that took care of me.

I had the burcles that took care of me in Colorado. I came back to Jersey in 84 and I had good friends around me. Yeah, there was a drug craze going on, and everybody was going fucking nuts. But we had some, I had a support group. I had something to fall back on. You know, that, it's a support of criminals, obviously. A support group of criminals, you know what I'm saying? That's a great fucking TV show, a support group of criminals.

But I'm not picking, I'm not pitching TV shows right now. I'm just pitching my life to you guys. It was so weird that that was my support group, was headquarters, was a bar, and you talked about the bullshit you were going to do for the day. But I think what really fucking changed me something I gave a lot of light to and joked around with was prison. Prison, and I hate to say the word prison because it really didn't feel like a prison. Let's just say my time away in college was a great time to me because it's really funny who we don't and do listen to. You know, I have situations here at home where I'm not a professional boxer.

You know, I don't know anything about boxing. I know one tool. I know a couple combinations. I know some footwork stuff. But I know about boxing, but I could hit, I could, I know how to hold mitts for people. And a couple, last week, my daughter was taking a yellow belt test and kickboxing. So one of the nights I came down here with, I wanted to be sharp for the test. I go, you want to be sharp for the test?

She's like, yeah, so I brought it down to the garage. And we just kicked the mitts a little bit. And I was just giving the combinations that they were going to ask her. It was a left jab with a left fucking elbow, with a right cross with right kick. And we were just practicing it over and over and over again. You know, after 15 minutes, 12 minutes, 15 minutes, she kind of lost interest with me.

And I get it. You know why? She doesn't look at me as her karate teacher. She looks at me as her fucking dad as a fat fuck. He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. Little does she know. I went to fucking martial arts all those years.

I know a couple things still, how to stand, how to fucking point your toes, how to move your ankle when you throw that kick to get a little bit more leverage so you don't fucking tear up your fucking meniscus in your knee. There's still a couple things I know.

Did I get mad at her? No, because I know how kids are. We don't want to learn from fucking your father and mother, you want to learn the karate teacher. You know, I could sit there with her for two hours going over a math problem. She looks like I'm a fucking idiot. Okay, fine. I lost my credibility with her with my Spanish lessons.

She failed a couple tests because of my Spanish, because our Spanish is different. But, you know, the math I'm going over with her as the same math day teacher in school, she thinks I'm a fucking jerk off. And I get it because I'm not a teacher. I'm not certified. She doesn't see me at the fucking school. Again, she sees me at her dad.

The same thing happens to us in life. People pull us aside. People might say something to us. We got our feelings fucking hurt. So nine of the ten people won't say nothing to you. When I consider my friend, somebody a fucking friend, and I see that they're slipping, I give them a fucking while.

You know what I'm saying? It's something to my business. But after a while, you got to say something to them. You got to go, hey man, come here for a second. You're better than this shit. You know? You can't be. be doing this, even if it's something menial, whatever.

It just, we're not all perfect. That's a beauty about this fucking life. But it's so funny how for years people tried to give me advice. I didn't want advice. I wanted the answer. I wanted the answer to make a million dollars, right? Nobody wants advice on how to, we just want to make a million dollars. I just want to make a million dollars.

I want a yacht. I want some bitches in the back dancing with bikinis. I want a fucking expensive penthouse. house apartment, but I don't want, I don't want the answers to how I could make that possible. I just want it. And when people can't give you that answer, you're like, I fuck it, you're a fucking bum or who the fuck of you, your father left you some money. And I learned to take advice. I took advice from a few people along the way, you know what I'm saying, people I cared about. But come on, man, when you're fucking 20, you take advice, it goes in one and it goes out to

fucking other even quicker because we'll know it all. It's it's it's not you. It's not the guy that's watching. It's fucking me too. I thought I had the fucking answers and we don't have the fucking answer. But something really weird happened like I had awakening points along the way. You know, like I think I was a funny guy. Not like that. Not like when I saw Gene Wilde, the Richard Pryor movie. Not when I saw an Eddie Murphy movie. Not when I saw like a fucking, like a David Brenner special.

When I first saw Eddie Murphy Delirious, did I see myself as being funny like that? Not even fucking close. I didn't even see myself in a fucking movie. I didn't see myself in any of those fucking goddamn things. The first time somebody came up to me, and said, if you consider stand-up comedy, I was 24 fucking years old.

And I'm like, what, what did you just say? I wasn't too crazy about the guy either. When he first came up to me and told me, you know, you got your mind on other things. Like in those days, there was only two things that could have had in my mind on. Drugs or more fucking drugs. You know, I mean, I was fucking mental midget.

And he pulled me aside like a man, you know. I was still a full. fucking kid. I was 24 going on 12. And he pulled me aside and he's like, hey, man, you know, I've been doing this for a long time. I don't know if you know what I did before I sold cars and I'm a retired entertainment director. And I'm like, you're going to hit me with this bullshit right now? Do I look like I, I even have the fucking stand-up comedy? What are you talking about? And then it took some time and then I did the crime.

I fucking, and somebody else had told me. And between the time I was waiting to get sentenced, I used to go to a swim program in Boulder called the master's swimming program. The teacher's name was Jane. You had to be there at 6 a.m. Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and you'd swim your fucking ass off. I figured I'd get in the swimming shape before I went to prison. So I dedicated myself to the master's room program.

I went three times a week. And the guy who got me into it was a UP. that everybody was sucking his dick. I can't believe I wasn't even sucking his dick. You know those guys that just everybody sucks his dick? UPS guys get their dick suck more than anybody. You understand me? They make Harvey Weinstein look like a fucking daycare.

You don't get your package until they suck their dick. You know, people suck a dick for their package. I know UPS guys for years, and they'll tell you fucking horror stories about the sex they have on their fucking routes. And there was this UPS guy. I was working on Hertz, rent a car. And there was this UPS guy.

I would see him pull his car, his truck up. And he would be on that block for an hour, just talking to bitches and shit. And then I would see him fucking, this is no lie. I would see him in the back of the truck, taking his fucking wedding band out of his socks. I was putting it back on his finger. I'm like, that motherfucker is a savage.

But as much as a savage as he was, we befriended one another. you know, I would say hello to him. I mean, that's the obvious thing to say. When somebody's walking into a building, you go, hello. So he would walk into the building. I'd go, hello. We started talking one day.

He did have the body of a fucking bodybuilder, and I asked him, what else do you do to get in shape? And he goes, number one thing is I left the weights along. I started swimming. I go, fuck, maybe I should start swimming. So I would write my bike there three days a week. And one day, I'm going to walk out. He looked at me, and he was,

And this is like, I'm a month away from getting sentenced. Like, I'm waiting for the call. We're going to the process of community corrections and whatnot. And I'm a month away from getting fucking, from getting sentenced. You know, a month, maybe two away. Like, there was rumors. There was also rumors. They might push the case back to 1989 because of Bella.

So I wasn't really focusing on it. And one day he said to me, he goes, hey, man, have you the thought, about getting into stand-up comedy. And I'm like, what? Have you ever thought of becoming a comedian? I'm like, not really. I mean, when people would come up to me with the thought of becoming a stand-up comic,

I never really, I was like, stand-up comedy, I can't even not do coke for nights a week. I have no self-discipline. The only self-discipline I had was to lift weights and to ride a bike and to stay in shape. I was eating like an animal. I was just fucking lifting that many weights and riding that many bikes and I was that fucking active.

But it really wasn't until I got locked up. I got locked up. I had been put on the check a couple times after my mother died, but not really. Nobody had really checked me. My uncle checked me in 84. We had a little misunderstanding in Los Angeles, and he checked me because of his check. because of his check, I didn't talk to him for fucking 20 years. It was basically, yeah, we didn't talk from 1984 to 2000, fucking nine,

till a couple months before I married my wife. So you think about that. That's how sensitive I used to be. If you'd say something to me, I just wouldn't fucking talk to you. Doesn't that sound familiar? When somebody says something to us that could empower us, we actually get mad at them as human beings. That's our natural fucking response.

Fuck this guy, you know. Who the fuck does he say that to me? Even though he didn't call me out in front of people, he didn't say nothing to me in front of a bunch of people. He didn't hit me up on Facebook and try to embarrass you. These are men. These are people that would call you. Like, mine and my uncle's argument was one-on-one.

What he felt about how I was living and how I was raised. was one-on-one. He was letting me know his fucking opinion. And I took it. I didn't like what he had to say, and I swore to fucking kill him. That's how retarded I was. That's just to let you know

how fucking sensitive we are when somebody calls us out for us to make us better. I know that. Another guy, this guy called me out. He didn't call me out. He told me a fact. He told me a fact about myself.

I'm going to tell you today, and I'm also going to tell you how that fact worked. He was my counselor in prison. And they had to do with a test or whatever. I've told the story a thousand times. But he told me that. If he had something that I wanted, he might as well give it to me. Because if I wanted that bad, I could take it from him. That didn't sit on my fucking room. That didn't sit with me well. Again, I pulled what Joey Diaz did, what most punks fucking do instead of embracing

the words thinking about it and going back to him like a man what did I do I fucking avoided the guy and wished them fucking debt and then it took me about two or three weeks to realize you know in fact he called me and

checked me again told me you got mad because I told you the truth and that's what pussies do when you tell somebody the truth about their life, they get fucking man instead of saying, you know what, you got a fucking point. And that wrapped up what would I have been going through all those years. See, when the judge sent me to jail, he didn't send me to jail because I kidnapped Bella. He knew that was a fucking one-ring circus. That was a fucking surges.

That should, any other court that would have gotten thrown the fuck out, you know, but it was bolder. They were, he kidnapped the car and put him in a trunk of a car. It was a drug deal. When it's a drug deal, all fucking vets are off and all in fucking void. But they made a big deal about it. They wanted to call a kidnap, which it was. I'm not disagreeing with anybody. I fucked up. But when, you know, he told me that I had, you know, I could take something from,

I took it as I was going to be a thief the rest of my fucking life. No. He was telling me that if I really wanted something, if I really, really wanted something, that I could go for it. And it took me fucking six weeks to process that. Six weeks it took me to process that thought of what he said to me. He probably said to me like the last week of December. And I got out of that halfway out of the camp, maybe mid-February and the march,

more towards the mid-February, because it was around my birthday. But it took me six weeks to process what he had. had said to me and it scared me. It scared me so much that it stopped me from doing stand-up. Because what he let me know was the answer that I was looking for. The answer that all you motherfuckers are looking for is the what. What you're scared of is what the result might be. That's what you're scared of. What the result might be. What is the result going to be if you go and lift weights every day. Not every day.

If you have a program and stick to it four days a week and maybe drink water and fucking walk to the fucking grocery instead of driving, what's the result you're going to get after a year or two? You're going to have a way better physique. You're going to be a lot stronger. Your immune system is going to be a lot better.

There's so many different things if you stick with that fucking workout program. Right now, We're in a lockdown, depending on where you live, what country you live. I mean, you're wanting some type of fucking lockdown. And a lot of people are confused. A lot of people are away from their focus. I was one of those fucking people.

And it took me 60 days, 80 days to step out of my body and look in and see what the fuck is going on, what we're going to do here. We decided to fucking move. It regressed me. It may be more of a mess. It took me the whole month of September to fucking get my ground up, you know, lift weights,

eliminate some of the fears I had, you know, watch my daughter go to school. Thank God for Mikey Klein, my fucking Johnny Gumbats. He called me up and he said, get up off your ass. It's time to do this podcast. We don't need fucking try fucking cities media here to show up with 20 cameras

and the fucking crew with COVID. We don't need this shit. And here we are. Fucking eight weeks later, 18 fucking podcasts under our belt. We're not the best fucking podcasts out there, but we're getting through. That's the most important thing.

We're getting through. We formed the platform for us to communicate on. And I'm very proud. You know, there's not 18 people here. I'm not getting makeup shut on me and shit like that. But that's not what I want anyway. I just wanted a platform to talk to you guys to let you know that you should not be scared of what you could become. Never be fucking scared of what you could become by trying.

Some people don't fucking try because we're fucking scared of the outcome. Dog, I'm still doing it with this fucking book. Every day I look at this fucking book. I got to call the agent and tell them where you got to go. We don't have to get a ghost rider. because I want you to have this material in this book. There's so many stories. I want you to read instead of listening to you.

I want you to read them and look at them and feel because I've read them and I've looked at them. And I've felt and said, fuck, this is a great story to read. You know, I just don't have, I fall apart with a fucking book somewhere. And I know I'm that fucking close from a breakthrough where I get. connect everything I want to say, but for right now, I can't do it. But if you look at the podcast from day one from October 1st, to the podcast of December 1st, I'm getting better and better. It's just been a fucking process.

Why? Because I stuck with it. Yeah, I got my fucking fears. What's the fear I got? What's all fear can you have? Failure? If you're scared to fucking fail, shoot yourself now, end it, because you're going to fail on something three or four times a fucking week. I know I do.

I'm not better. you motherfuckers. I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you fucking guys. But that fucking shit, he told me, there was two fucking check-ins that destroyed me.

Like two, you know, when people call you the fuck out, you know, people today call you out for the dumbest fucking things that aren't going to change your life. They're just going to embarrass you. That's not why you call somebody out.

You call somebody out, not on YouTube. You know, somebody out, you call them. You meet them. You say, listen, man, I've been watching you for a long time, and you're a dear friend, and I think you're spinning your wheels in this direction, and I think you should take this direction. And trust me, five of the ten friends are going to be pissed off at you for a while. Maybe lose you as a friend, maybe whatever the fuck. But if you're going in there with your intentions are right from your heart, I, listen, I just can't anymore. I can't go up

the people. You know, the stand-ups that I've known for a couple of years that will call me because they're stuck and I'll tell them how I feel. There's a few people on Patreon that I have smacked around on Patreon because this is what they want in the dear happy section. And they have come back and said, hey, Joey, thank you. I fucking needed that. But I'll just tell them, you know, get up your fucking pussy ass. You're gonna end up sucking dick behind a fucking hally for Subway Veggie and Cheese Sandwiches.

And this is what you need to fucking do. If you don't want to do it, take your fucking Patreon and get the fuck. There's been like three or four guys. And it hasn't been in a negative way. Like, I've attacked them. Dave asked me for the advice. But in like a soft way,

they wanted like soft advice. I had to give them the hard advice. had to twist it up on them a little bit, because that's what they fucking pay me for on Patreon. They don't pay me to be nice to you on Facebook. They're like, listen, man, I'm having these struggles. What is it that I fucking need to do? And I lay into them.

The same way I lay into myself in the fucking mornings when I'm lazy, when I'm not motivated. Trust me, I'm always fucking motivated. And it's not money that motivates me. Want me to tell what motivates me? Life. being fucking happy knowing that I did what was on that list

for the day. Whatever was on that fucking list for the day, I did it today. Whether there's three things, two things, one thing, I might do an extra thing from fucking Thursday. I might do a thing from next week. There's always things for you to

fucking do. Write a sentence. Write a joke from the grace of God. I've been waking up a little early and trying to write jokes. They got awful. God awful. God awful. I don't know what the fuck happened to my comedy.

I was never really a comedy writer anyway. I would write down ideas, take them on stage and see what direction that takes me. That's what I do with Vinnie's. I write down notes and I take, do you know the last time I went to Vinnie's? I actually had a really good fucking spot last Wednesday. And I, you know, I tell you the truth.

I'm my number was number one hardest critic. I had the best spot I ever had. Do you know I wrote six jokes? I put them on a piece of paper, and I forgot to say all six of those fucking jokes. So do you understand what I'm trying to say to you? I'm having problems with my fucking memory, too. I still got the sheet that's on top of my desk.

Not two new jokes, not three new jokes. Six things, but I just wanted to throw in there and fucking, you know, look at me, I feel like Walter McAllo giving you a fucking horoscope right now. You know, not two things. That's how bad my memory is, but that's why. Because I'm living in the fucking moment. I don't even need my memory no more. I just want to tell you what I'm going through right now.

And right now I'm feeling a lot better than what I did fucking three months ago or two months ago. And Mikey's like, Doug, we got to start a fucking podcast. I was not feeling it. I was not feeling like talking to people. But just rapping with you guys, just rapping through Patreon, you know, pushing myself to do stand. up. Listen, nothing in your life, I don't want to do nothing. You're like, Joey, what are you

talking about? I don't want to do nothing. If it was up to me, I would get up every day, order Chinese food, and go on the couch and watch TV. That's, you want to know the truth. That's my perfect fucking utopia right there, is waking up, maybe taking a shower, maybe eating like a fucking ball of golden grams like some nice sweet fucking cereal right or wrong a nice little box of captain crunch after a joint of fucking debt who's better than you right

wouldn't that be the fucking life just to wake up and be able to do that lunchtime eat some fucking Chinese food some ribs a few egg rolls maybe take a nap smoke a joint fucking go somewhere bah no exercise i'm waiting for the armenian to get me once i hit 600 i might do a toe touch you know what i'm saying but i'm going for broke here that that that was my motivation you know when i was 20

that was my secret motivation if i could figure out how to just sit around all day and be a waste of fucking life i would have been happy with that i would have figured if i got to figure if somebody who gave me If clearinghouse would have came over here Give me a check for fucking $500 million I wouldn't have bought anything I wouldn't have bought a piece of property I wouldn't have had an investment portfolio

I would have snorted I would have gave somebody like $2 million just to hold for me until I snort the rest away Whatever hospital bills I lose a foot All the expenses of fucking Just being a Coke fiend

And then I would have just got like a trailer park somewhere. Like in some bumfuck town, nice white, trashy people, you know the ones I like, they come out with a lenned skinned shirt in the morning and ask you if you have an extra coffee filter, you know those people? Like, I need a coffee filter.

Who needs a fucking coffee filter at 7 in the morning? You realize this shit at night before you go to bed before you set up the fucking coffee. Anyway, I don't even know. It made me bring up the fucking coffee filter. I don't even know what I'm talking about that shit. But I think I'm Mr. Blue.

That was his name. My counselor in fucking prison camp was Mr. Blue. He fucking, you know, I had a problem with accepting responsibility. And we all do. That's another problem would be fucking 20s that, you know, I didn't do it. He did it. He made me do it. It was his fucking idea.

So it was just a pattern. I had this quitting pattern. And I had a pattern. and I had a pattern that nothing was ever my fault. I was late because the bus was late. I was late because the alarm clock didn't go off. I was late because Mikey took too long in the shower. I was always like.

There was always no fucking responsibility. There's two things. We're coming into a new year into 2021. Let me tell you something. By the damage of 2020, you're going to have to work double the amount of 2021. You got two things. remember here you could work double you could kill yourself you could spin your wheels but there's two

things you got to remember for 2021 have a fucking plan have a plan for 2021 because you can't have two bad years in a row you'll never recover from that you'll never recover from that and whatever plans you have and whatever goals you have fucking go for them and i'm not talking about listen everybody's got the wrong you know i had a roommate once that told me when you want something put a picture of it up on the wall and you'll get it. So what did I do? I went out Joe Jerk off and bought a picture of a Ferrari Testaroza, a white one.

I put it on my wall. Go out in my driveway. See if I got a Ferrari testa Rosa out there. I don't even have a Tesla. I don't even have a Ferrari bicycle. I don't even have a Tesla. You know what I'm saying? Like nothing ever showed up.

Nothing ever showed up just because I put a picture of it up on a fucking wall. So for years, I would put up like pictures of Maserratis and pictures of Aruba. Ask me if I've gone to Aruba. I don't even know what the fuck Aruba is. You know why? Because I didn't work towards those fucking goals.

You got to write this shit down. You got to go, you know what? I want to test the Rosa. What do I need to do to get that testerosa? Oh, I got to about 15 midgets. I got to fucking rob. You know, there's things you got to do. There's got to be. I got to wake

up every morning. I got to put away $300 a week. I got it. You know, planning is so fucking important. And then after fucking Mr. Blue sat me down and told me that shit that I could do whatever if I wanted to, if I put my mind to it, because that's what he was really saying to me. That's all he was trying to say to me just in a different form. He was like, if I had something that you wanted, no, just fucking break it down for me, cock's a second. Don't make me. feel like more of a thief than what I am. He broke it down for me even a little better. He broke it down for me in the sense as if you want something and you put your mind

to something, there's no reason why you can't end up in that neighborhood or close fucking do it. And I got to tell you something, he's been absolutely right. You know, we don't have confidence in who we're going to become if we take the that was supposed to take. And I was one of those people. I didn't have confidence in who I was going to become. But I got to tell you something,

because I put my time in, because I took my beatings, because I ate dick on stage, because I did good podcasts, and because I did bad podcasts, is the reason why we're here fighting through this podcast right now. Think about it. I want you to,

to see what I've done since July 15th on Patreon and since we started this podcast and how different I look, how different I'm acting. Listen, I've looked at those old churches. Yeah, they're fun here, but they're a little bit of sad. It's sad. You can't see my fucking eyes. My eyelids were always fucking purple. You know, I have like the three-dollar fucking shirt on all the time. and look like a fucking bumpy. I look at those podcasts today. And yeah, we had a great time doing them. It was great to do them.

I'm proud. I got the experience under my belt. But that's a complete different fucking other person. That's scary when you look at something that you did three months ago. The last podcast I did was basically August 15th with Lee. Still love Lee. Talk to him last night. Nothing against Lee.

Lee's my dog. But those are two different completely. people in there. I've evolved that much since then, and it scares this shit out of me. I'm completely different than who I was in that in that box on Thompson Street. Completely different individual. My thought process, what's in my heart, what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, completely different. And it was just a short fucking time ago, August 15th. I told you guys, I was talking to Josh Wolf the other day. and he asked me if I'm still doing a certain bit. And I go, I did it the other night,

and I did it like two weeks ago, the week I bombed. But listen, even with a great bit, I bombed the second week. Why? It's not who I am anymore. It's just not the same problem. I don't have the same thought process. Are the jokes still funny to me? Yeah, they make me giggle, but it's not what I want to be talking about and what I want to be saying.

To be honest, you guys. I have no I fucking dear what I want to be saying. I'm on stage right now. I have no way to look. I have looked with, you know, I've looked at what's going on. I'm an old man. I'm trying to raise my daughter. I'm getting old. I got to get knee surgery. Don't worry about nothing. Hopefully it'll be this month. Why not? I'm fucking, my knee's been fucked up. I've been walking around in fucking pain. Why not go down there, get it done? It's a three day. I got to sit on the fucking couch. They want you walking after two or fucking three days.

Why not? What else am I going to do with my beautiful fucking precious time? We're not going on the road in January. They might lock things up until fucking, you know, we find out who the new president is or what's going on. You don't mean. No fucking politics, no religion. I don't know nothing.

So by the time all this thing gets chased up, whatever they're going to do up at Minneapolis, whatever they're going to do, COVID with the fucking testing, I'm going to get my knee done and maybe go back to Jiu-Jitsu. I go back to kickboxing, go back to something else, besides fucking just lifting weights all the time. Last week, I threw a couple punches at the fucking bag. I threw a couple kicks just to loosen up those muscles.

But it's time to do something else. So I want to go to a different gym and meet different people and get out there and talk to different other savages. Sorry about the knee surgery and getting you off the topic I want to talk to you about. You know, when somebody pulls you aside and talks to you from the heart, don't take it that bad. The next fucking talking to I got was the one that changed who the fuck I was as a comic. That one was horrid, but at the same time, I still thank them today. I still included him in my prayers because

he turned me into a comedian with that speech that day. You know, I went back to Colorado in 893. I was here for nine months, just trying to get my footing, trying to make a little extra money, just to get a little bumper before I went back to Colorado to go up against my ex-wife

and I had made my mind up that comedy was the path I was choosing. I was like, This is all I could do is just comedy. I might as well just fucking go for it. This is all I got. I don't have a rich family. They don't have a fucking fruit stand. You know, this is all I fucking got.

So I moved back to Denver and I just, I went out every night. I went out as much as I could. I covered myself with comedy, you know. At that time for me, it was either doing drugs or comedy. Like, those were the two interests I had. You know, I put out like Black Sabbath,

a humanizer, eye, and all that music. I didn't even know that music was out. I had no idea what was going on. I was so deep, involved with fucking comedy and drugs. I didn't even know what the fuck was going on in the world socially. The only thing that saved me is, I had MTV. And one day I just started saying fucking,

I swear to God, I saw a video for a super unknown for a fellow on Black Days. I didn't even know what Grunge was. I used to watch a little bit of MTV, whatever, and I remember them talking about Kurt Cobain and the Seattle Sound, and I was like, what, the Kurt Cobain?

Come on, I grew up on the fucking Beatles. Now you're going to compare this guy to John Leonard, so I didn't even know what the fuck was happening. I had no idea what was going on in the world of music. There was no albums, there was no turntables, there was nothing. My whole fucking room was covered with comedy videos, notebooks, and drug paraphernalia. That's all I was fucking doing.

And it was funny. I was making progress in my own little way. I was moving forward. I was kicking ass, you know, kicking ass. If I made $20 a week, I was making a lot of money. But for me at the time, it wasn't about money. It was just about getting on stage, getting the bassist down and becoming a better comic.

So Tuesday nights is the open mic at the Comedy Works. After I got fired from the broker, that fired me up to let me start going to the Comedy Works. you got to break into a scene. It's kind of tough. For you young guys that are trying to break into a comedy scene, you guys know what I'm talking about.

You got to go in there, you got to walk on eggshells. If you do get the opportunity to go on stage, you better be funny, and then you got to be likable. There's so much fucking pressure because what good is it being funny

if the other comedies don't like you? If they don't think you're cool and they're not going to give you a work, so it's just a fucking grind. So I knew that, for me to become part of the comedy community, I had to start going down there on Tuesday nights. You know, nothing happens on the fucking couch.

Nothing. You could be a thousand things, huh? I can't wait to be a pilot. I can't wait to be a music producer. I can't wait to be an engineer. Well, you're going to wait forever on that fucking couch. So I said, fuck it, let me start going down there on Tuesday nights. They had a writing class that they offered.

This guy offered a writing. class and then on Tuesday nights and then you all got a bite to eat and then you went to the comedy works and you performed where you had written at the guy's house I like the guy I like the guy I thought he was a good guy but as a comic I didn't fucking like him as much I didn't think he was that funny as a comic so why would I go learn how to write bad jokes for right like I'm going to go to learn how to write bad jokes to this guy. To be honest, the guy was a badass joke writer. He just wasn't a naturally funny guy.

And naturally, because of me being who the fuck I'm being, and being a sack of shit, I'm hard-headed. I didn't respect the guy. The guy, every time he'd see me on a Tuesday, he'd come over to me and he'd fucking ask me to come by his house on Tuesday nights. And the truth of the matter was, I could probably make it to us. I had a job that I worked until, to fucking 6 o'clock. And it was like, you know, maybe at that time, maybe a 40 or 50 an hour bus ride by the time I got to the bus station and took the ride to Denver.

I think they met at 7 and it was really like for an hour or 45 minutes and they got food ordered in or whatever. I would have never made it. I didn't have a car. You know, there was just a lot of variables for me to get there. And on top of that, I didn't think it would be beneficial to me. So I just kept going to the open mic on Tuesdays. And I was making progress. I was getting funnier.

But he had a guy. You know, every one of those comics always has the one guy. It was that Cobra Chi, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, like Cobra Chi, the old school and the Karate Kid, now they have a show about Cobra Kama. They always have like the best students. He had what he thought was the best student. So by me not going to his writing classes,

he took it in his mind, but I didn't like him. It's not that I didn't like him, is I didn't have the fucking time. I wouldn't have made it. And like I told you on top of that, I just didn't think I'd get much from it. I was stupid. I didn't know that.

Anyway, there was a county works contest. And the grand prize was you went to the comedy store, you performed for Mitzie Shore, you got 500 bucks. And then I don't fucking know. You emceased something. I don't fucking know. Well, you know what, man, even with their little work study group that they were doing for six or seven months,

I went up there. If you know anything about me, then maybe three quarters prepared. and I fucking ripped the room apart, but I wasn't clean. So they gave him the first prize, and they gave me the second prize, which I wiped my ass with.

My thing was I wanted Mitzi to see me. I didn't give a fuck about getting a second fucking prize. How did I take it? My feelings weren't hurt at all. I wasn't upset. I thought I'd done a better job. I knew I was funny than the guy, but the next day they actually called me

and they said that the guy had robbed a joke from Seinfeld. So they were giving me the first place trophy or whatever. They had already given him the money and they were probably going to fly me out to I later see Mitzie Shore. I was never so fucking excited in my life. The next Tuesday I went up there and I'll never forget for a while there

I was shooting a podcast. Listen, I like being comfortable. If it's between wearing a white shirt with a tie to impress you, you go fuck yourself. I don't give a fuck about impressing people. I just want to be comfortable. I just want to feel loose. So a lot of times with it's warm out,

I just wear a white v-neck t-shirt. You know what? I know you're not supposed to wear those. You're supposed to wear those under your clothes. But some people, they get offended if you wear them. Like, you got no class. For me, I just want to be fucking comfortable. So it was a nice night out.

It was like an April night in Colorado. I wore jeans. I wore nice sneakers. And I put on one of those white t-shirts. And I walked into the comedy works. I signed my name. God knows what number I was going up. I went up there.

I fucking kicked some ass. You know, when I walked off the stage, some people were there. They all said hello to me. They had all heard about it. about the contest debacle. And then, as I was walking out, I saw the guy that taught the fucking class. His name was Matt Woods.

And he came over to me. He goes, do you have a minute so I could talk to you? I'm like, yeah, what's going on, Mr. Woods? He's like, hey, man, look at the way you show up here. He goes, half the time you fucking cancel. The other half the time, you smell like marijuana. Look at the t-shirt you have on. you know he goes

and I'm like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa I go you're fucking mad at me because I fucking your guy cheated and stole a joke he goes no no I'm not mad at you because of that I'm mad at you because

it even came to that I go what are you talking about he goes man he goes without even fucking trying you're funny in all these fucking fucking guys appear. He goes, and that kid could write comedy for days

and he'll never be as funny as you off the cup naturally. But he goes, look at you. You're not taking this fucking seriously. You just think this is a, you know, what is it going to change for you? If you ever considered to take this seriously,

you would be a fucking animal. But you're not going to say it seriously. You're going to be a joke about this all your life. guys, my fucking hands were bulging into fucking fist. I wanted to beat this guy up so fucking bad. Because it was like a compliment, but not really. He was telling me I was good, but the same time he was telling me I was a piece of shit.

Or at least that's how I was taking it. And he gave me his fucking little earbeaten. He goes, if you want this, it's staffier. If you want, keep doing what you're doing. keep wearing your shirts and keep not being a fucking comic keep you're going to throw this shit away and you're going to miss an opportunity and man i fucking he walked away from me and i walked towards a bus station and i was so pissed off at him that i was going to walk back and beat the fuck out of him. And I think I even walked back and he was gone and that's when I realized.

I go, this guy just saved my fucking life. This guy between him, Mr. Blue, and me quitting fucking basketball. This guy just fucking helped me realize why I have to push myself in this comedy genre. Because if not, I'm going to continue to feel the same way I've been continuing from when I was 15. I quit the basketball team, like a fucking quitter. I quit the fucking GED, you know, I fucking went to prison. I did everything wrong. These two guys, Mr. Blue and Matt Woods gave me the opportunity to realize what I fucking had. And one of them, made me realize what I had. The other guy actually lit the fuse on the firecracker.

And here we are, 30 years fucking later, doing a podcast on two things. One, realizing who you are and what you could do. And two, not being scared of what you're going to become after you go for that move. Don't look back. Who gives the fuck? Listen, people are going to get mad. People are going to be happy. Last week I was fucking around here and I put up, hey, I went to look at a jihitsu school.

And the next day, someone I put it on fucking Facebook. I can't imagine enjoying doing fucking jiu-jitsu. That's great. That's the same people who come up to you when you tell them you want to join a band or you're thinking of fucking taking a course or you're thinking of joining a theater group. Those are the same people that stop you from fucking, you know, from giving you that doubt. Maybe fucking Mike Klein is right. Who the fucking might have been an organ player in a fucking circus?

You know, there's always some guy that tries to stop you from your dream. Uncle Joey's different for the month of December to get you ready for 2021. I'm going to make you fucking realize who the fuck you are. And I want you to start thinking about what's going to happen to you when you cross over that fucking realm to be the person or to do what you want to do, whether it's have a band, have a podcast, Be a plumber, be an archaeologist, be a doctor. Half a user just scared of fucking attacking,

and you can't live your life like that. If not, why live in the great US of A? Go to fucking communist fucking Cuba, and you could just look at you and go, hmm, Mikey Klein, how tall are you? Five, ten? We're going to make you an astronomer. You know what I'm saying?

Because we've got enough fucking telescopes for you to see out and throw, or whatever. I don't fucking know. It's the Joey Dia's fucking Uncle Joey's joint. It's December 2nd, and I just want to let you know. That's what I'm going to be doing in December. I'm going to have guests on here to get you ready for 2021. I'm not going for your fucking project,

but I want you to fucking start thinking about what's going to happen to you after you do what you want to do. But Joey, I weigh 480 pounds. It's going to take me. 200 fucking years to lose the weight. But when you do lose that fucking weight, who's the person you're going to be? It's going to be a scary motherfucker because you lost that weight. We're all scared of who we might become.

Don't be scared of who you might become. Be scared of who the fuck you are now and how you're going to fucking involve and how you're going to deal with that person you are now. The same way I look at those old church episodes from four years ago, and I see an old man that's just discombobulated on fucking edibles and drugs and whatnot. Today, four years later, believe it or not, I still eat my edibles. I still do my little spray from time to time, and God knows I smoke dope with fucking eight hands, but I'm a complete different fucking person.

We change. And that's a lesson this week on Uncle Joey's joint for November 30th and December 2nd, Wednesday, day. Before I leave, I want to thank you guys for all the support on Ozzy's Boneyard. Without you guys, I would have never been able to do it. Without my training on the church, I wouldn't have been able to do it. So everything you do goes towards something. Nothing goes. The universe will take care of you. I've been telling you this for fucking 10 years, cock suckers. Don't give up now. Listen, that's it. and that's that. Have a great week.

I'm happy you motherfuckers tuned in on a Wednesday morning. I know you got other shit to listen to and to watch and that's funny, whatever. But here, we got no COVID and we give you great fucking advice. And that's it and that's that. Have a great weekend. Enjoy the Patreon. We got a great album of the week coming up. I don't know if you guys know that I do that on Patreon.

I also do a fucking other podcast, the Joey Dears project on Patreon. It's $3.5 and $10. I don't give a fuck if you subscribe or not. Uncle Joey's join is free. It's my gift to you on a weekly basis. Thank you very much for another fun week. And now for a word from our sponsors. All right.

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