The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #019 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Today, we talk about "The Switch"..... This episode is brought to you by Lucy Nicotine Gum & Onnit...... Go to https://www.lucy.co and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.onnit.com and enter Code: CHURCH And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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Try the pomegranate gum. Let's get this fucking party started. Look who it is. What's happened? You bad motherfuckers, welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. It's Monday, December 12th. We made another fucking weekend. And we're fucking here.

I give a lot of, I'm sorry, to the residents my former neighbors in LA, they shut you down, started yesterday, right back to where we were in fucking March, no playgrounds, no fucking restaurants, no fucking nothing and my heart goes out to you. Uh, you know, lockdown is eminent here also, but for right now, we'll have everything open, the schools, so we're running with gas, but my heart goes out to you guys. Like I said, I wasn't, I'm a GED motherfucker. I got sick and tired of being the smartest fucking guy in the room. Something was in the air,

and something told me to get the fuck out of there. I can't imagine what my family would be like right now if we were still there. But I'm giving thanks to being the fuck out of there, and I'm just letting you guys know in California. I did not forget about you. I love you motherfuckers at all my heart. It was just time to go. when it's time to go, it's time to go. You got no time to be fucking around or giving hugs

and saying goodbye. You know, I don't know what's going on with numbers. I don't know none about transmission rates. I just know my fucking business. And that's it and that's that. But anyway, enough with that talk. You guys get enough of that talk all fucking day. Everywhere you go. That's all. That's on people's minds. I'm here to take your mind off that for an hour, 45 minutes, whatever the fuck I talked to. until I got a fucking headache, and I'm sick of goddamn talking. But, you know, the base of this podcast is the youth.

You know, sometimes I forget, I think when I started this, when we started doing Uncle Joey's joint, I forgot that the youth concept was so very fucking important of this. The people that watch this aren't 50-year-old. They're out there fucking doing that thing. It's young kids. It's kids that are lost kids that got their shit

together but want more. It's so weird. I read emails on all the genres, you know. I get emails on Twitter. I get emails on Facebook. I get emails on Patreon. And it's the same group. It's the same age group that really is struggling the most right now. And it's the kids in their fucking 20s. And listen, man, it's just tough being in your fucking 20s. Let's start with that. It's got nothing to do with you. God didn't handpick you. Society isn't picking on you. Being in your 20s sucks. Whether you're in college,

whether you're not in college and you're trying to figure it out, whether you took a year off to fucking go to India and get bitten the fucking neck by the snake, whatever the fuck you decide to do, you decide to do. Now a lot of years are like Joey,

we don't know what the next step is. The next step usually, when you're in your 20s, is hitting rock bottom in a way. Like, you're not going to end up a bum with dirt on your face and people throwing dirt on you. You hit rock bottom somewhere emotionally. And for me, that was the fucking case. Like, I just, you know, for me, if I have to narrow it down,

again, the other day I was over here spitting out dates about December. And I said something about December 12, maybe Ozzie's birthday, and then you guys correct me with the third, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I got my dates confused. You know, it's amazing how life comes back to bite you in the fucking ass with certain dates. The reason why I said December 12th was, that's the day I became homeless in 1984.

You know, and when Mike left and the podcast was done, and I had to do some other shit around here, I don't know, I went and got gas, and I thought about why I said December 12th. And I was like, fuck, that wasn't Ozzy's birthday. That's not a fucking whatever. That's the day I got. I became officially homeless until New Year's Eve.

I was homeless until about New Year's Eve week. And then I got myself a hotel room for a few nights. Some fucking, you know, you're scratching from the crabs type of hotel. And then my ex-teacher took me in and my life change in 85. It was debris that changed me. But I still remember walking into that. park every night, you know, and this week it got colder here in New Jersey. The weather dropped that night, and I would go outside to take a walk to smoke a joint because my daughter's around,

and for some reason December 12th came back to me that whole what I was going through in my fucking life, how frustrated I was. I was basically homeless because I was a fucking junkie. I had put the junk before myself, which is what happened. It's funny, I was watching from your recommendation. A lot of guys told me to watch the Hector Macho Camacho documentary on Showtime. And Saturday night, it just happened to fucking be on. I'm sorry about the sirens. The cops are looking for me.

It's that Santa Claus is coming to town. So a bunch of kids are out chasing fire trucks right now, looking for Santa. But it's funny how he set a line at the end. They called him a champion. And he goes, I'm not really a champion. I'm a junkie first. And then I'm a champion.

That fucking line resonated with me. Because for years, I consider myself a junkie. Once you come to terms with what the fuck you are. We live in denial. You live in denial. You're like, ah, you know, it's okay if I do fucking eight grams of Coke a week. That's accepted. You know, that's how I was living, which is fucking denial, you know?

And just, being in that rocket ship. You know, I would have to walk into a park, walk past the swings, walk past a seesaw. There were these little fucking animals that you get on. You ever see those things

at the coil on the bottom? I had to walk around them, and then I had to go to the rocket ship and what, like, a pint of booze in my jacket and my scarf and my hood, I would climb up the little fucking ladder all the way to the third floor, and I would just shiver

and drink the vodka and cry, because that's what pussies do. They cry when they blame the world, and I would blame why is this going on with me. The world hates me. God put a curse on me. And then at the end of the vodka, I try to jerk off outside,

and I'd fucking pass out in the fucking third floor. And I'd wake up in the morning, and it was like three weeks of that. For three weeks, I lived that fucking life of just telling my friends, ah, I'm going to stay at my other buddy's house. a guy on 88 tree that I became friends with and they would drop me off

and I would go into this rocket ship but when I was sitting in that rocket ship I knew this had a change I knew that was my rock bottom I knew that there was only one other thing under this that I could go and I was dying I was just going to die outside

I thought I was going to die outside but I got that Hudson County water in me that fucking, you know, Hudson River water in me, kept me fucking alive. And I would fall asleep outside and the fucking winter. I didn't even wake up with my hand. Well, his fingers are frozen.

You're going to get hypothermia? There was no hypothermia. There was nothing. I woke up, I walked around. I did what I had to do. But being in that rocket ship flip something. It switched something.

It was for me like going, you know, we were talking about getting called out by your friends here. That's a life call out. You know, that's when life fucking calls you out. There was no place to go. I mean, here I am in this fucking rocket ship. I couldn't go to anybody.

I had worn out all my welcomes all over North Bergen. I was done. I, you know, that's it. I had put myself in this fucking position. But I fucking snapped. Like something just fucking snapped. And the same way I built the blueprint to come back here, and do the levels of things.

I got to do this first. I got to get the podcast going first. I took my life the same fucking way, and it worked. You know, one day I was hanging out outside in front of a bar at two in the afternoon. Who's at a bar at two in the afternoon? Homeless people, alcoholics. That's who goes to a bar at two in the afternoon.

And I met this bar watching soap operas with a bunch of fucking losers. And I go outside to just like smoke pot or something. And I saw one of my fucking. teachers and one of my teachers that was cool and I went up to him and he's like you know I'll get you know rehab blah blah blah and I called him and there was no room at the rehab and all this shit and end up staying with him I ended up staying with him from January 1st of 85 to towards the maybe the end of uh February and it gave me two months to really think I was clean I was just smoking

I wasn't drinking. I wasn't doing any pills, no cocaine. I was actually clean. And that was the first time in my life in 1985 at the age of 23 that I was officially on my own. I was off life's fucking ambitical cord. You know, there was no mom, there was no dad, there was no friends. I was living in Creskill 20 miles of. away from where I'm from. And I was just putting my life together on my own. He had an attic. He put me up in. He had two other kids. Warm dear friends with today, Nicholas and Christopher. That big time is today.

They both work for, you know, fucking Nicholas works for like CBS or something like that. Constantly contacts me. And at that time, I was a good kid. I just was confused, like a lot of you guys. What the fuck is my next step? You know, I had already done a couple, and I had already done a couple credits of college at Colorado Mountain College, you know,

I had all this shit going on, and I lost it all for drugs, for fucking to do cope through that. I had this thing in my mind, and I was like, fucking, I don't even know. I have no idea where to start and where to end with what the fuck was going through my mind. But living with Mr. T and his family and the kids,

and seeing and let me know what I wanted, what I didn't want to do. I didn't stop being a criminal. My criminal eyes was still fucking there. But one day, T came to me, like a man that he is. And he goes, hey man, you've been here for two months. And you haven't overstayed, you're welcome, your family. But I feel it's time for you to get an apartment

and take the steps to make it fucking happen. and he goes, you got like another week to stay here. I'm not throwing you out, but it's time. It's time for you to go out there and go into the real world. And it hurt a little bit. It hurt a little bit, but I understood what he was doing. And I, you know, I moved into like a men's home in fucking 10th line, New Jersey. And then I was there for like,

two weeks and they found fucking, I was smoking pot in front of the building and the lady got mad and then I ended up in another house that the lady owned and three guys lived upstairs. You know, her family was gone. Her kids had gone to college and she didn't want to live alone. I just basically lived in flop houses, you know, $75 a week. You get a bedroom and you got to share a bathroom with people. That's what I was doing, that 20 fucking three. You know, I was just living in flop houses.

And then one day, the lady had a son. And I saw him in the daytime. And he got high. Him and I went and smoked pot together. And he had this jewelry. And he goes, you know, if you can help me sell it. And I ended up getting arrested. That's not the point of the story.

But just, you know, letting you know that I was, I still was not. Darty was not out of the fucking woods. Dorothy was not in the wood. And then the day I got arrested, I bumped into our friend George, I had him on the church towards the end when I had my friends on and I talk about him dearly all the time because George saved my life. I just happened to bump into him. I got arrested that night and when I called him to bail me out, he took the extra step and said,

not only am I bailing you out, but you're going to move in with me and my family. And that really helped me out a lot. It helped me out on the emotional. because I thought that guy had given up. I thought that the world had given up on me. But that wasn't the case. This one guy still cared about me, and I didn't smack him in the face.

I slept on his floor, and I fucking got a construction job. And he'll tell you, he'll tell you, I was not snoring coke. I was not going out at night. I was really trying to keep my fucking life together. And then I got a call that I had a settlement over his shoulder. they gave me 18 grand who was waiting for me and I uh I decided to go to Colorado and when I left

the Colorado in June of 85 I was still clean off the cocaine I wasn't drinking I was just smoking pot was I doing criminal activities yes stupid shit that's when I was robbing the gas stations I was doing under the limit shit so I couldn't get caught you know I would rob fucking businesses. I would walk into a building and rob businesses. I was doing a bunch of stupid ship. There was basically credit card theft. I was a one-man fucking wrecking crew.

I mean, you know, Mondays was travelers' checks. Tuesdays was credit cards. Wednesday was a gas station. Thursday was ripping off a building. You know, am I proud of these things? No. But they happened and I can't change who the fuck I am. I can't change it now.

too fucking late. In fact, that's a part of who I am today. I mean, if I sit here obviously and go, wow, if I could do my fucking life over, what can I do over, you know? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing I could do over because I wouldn't be in this position today to talk to you like this about life or any other fucking situation. I didn't go to, you know, I would have loved to get an MBA from Harvard. I would love to have a law degree from fucking Stanford or something like that. But that's not what was in the cards for me. You know, I might, what people don't understand about me was my dream wasn't to become a fucking comic. My dream was to become a man, a productive person of society, somebody who, you know, helps little old ladies across the street and don't rob them and, you know,

helps people shovel snow. That was my thing from the beginning. This dream did not start out for me to be a grandiose comic and be at the comedy store. It didn't. It didn't at all. This dream was about me being a fucking just a good guy, a human being, you know, being able to earn people's respect, not having people looking at me.

Like, I did go to prison, you know, all the time. Like, that guy can't be trusted. You know, women would see me and they would move their purses, you know, shit like that. I didn't want to live that life anymore. I didn't want to be that person. I just wanted to be a fucking human being. And, you know, I say to you guys, you know, when people call you out on different things, for me it was Mr. T. For me, it was, you know, Mr. Blue at the fucking halfway house.

For me, it was, you know, Matt Woods, the comic who turned my comedy. career round. You know, when I was from 15 to 23, I was just like you guys. Let's face it. I answered an email yet day. Some guys like, you know, thank you for doing all the music stuff. I try to influence my son with it, but he won't refuse to comprehend it. He doesn't really, and I'm like, listen, people got to come around on their own. You're not going to lead a horse. to drink fucking water. They're going to do everything on their own. That flip, that switch has to flip within your own.

You know, when you guys hit me up on email, no matter what it is, no matter what it could be, you know, on any subject, on abroad, on going to school, on, you know, doing drugs or whatever, I see a lot of me and you guys at that age, which is just confusion. We just don't know. We just don't know who the fuck to ask.

You know, the person that loves you the most, which is probably in your case, your fucking parents, you know, your grandfather, maybe you have an uncle. I don't know what the fuck to you, how situation is. But when they sit you down when you're a young man and they give you advice, listen, I didn't take it either. I didn't take it either. And that's why I ended up homeless.

Do you see what I'm saying? So when you don't take advice from people, and you know more than them, which, listen, I was that guy. I'm not here faulting you. I know plenty of people still today that they don't give a fuck what you tell them. Even though they come and seek the advice from you, they still won't listen. They're going to do it their way anyway. And you don't yell at them, you don't get mad at them, you just go, God bless them.

They thought it was a better way. Let's see who has the better way. When they fail or whatever, you don't rub it in their face. You pull them aside and you go, you know, this is what. why I talked to you and said that you should have done it this way. This is the same thing that happened to me. You know, there's just little fucking things. When you go on Patreon and you want to write a blog,

if you write a blog and you go to post a video about the blog, how much of a nightmare is it, Mike? It ain't going to happen. You've got to post a blog. You got to post a video off first so the fucking thing could go off. I don't know why. I don't even know why I brought Patreon up and anything like that. But it's the same thing with life

You gotta do one thing Before it does the other If you want to do You want to try your way I'm not mad at you Go for it But you're gonna end up in the same situation I was

On the third floor of a fucking rocket ship Looking out You know I get people who complain to me About their parents all the time My parents get mad at me Why you're under their roof You gotta do what the fuck they say

You don't like what they say You want to smoke weed your room with your feet up, get your own fucking place. But you're mad at them because they're telling you, you can't do something. Get your own fucking place. It's time to cut the fucking ambitical cord and see what life is all about. Get the fuck off that computer. Get the fuck off that computer.

Listen, I know you're probably doing work right now. You're typing and you're on your thing and you put the podcast on just to listen, to be entertained while you're doing something. I don't mind you fucking being on the computer. But to be on the computer 12, 15 fucking hours a day, I know at the end of my week, I have a thing on my computer that comes up that tells me how many hours

I've been on the computer, if your time went up on the computer, if your time has been low on the computer, guess what? My time is getting lower and lower on the fucking computer. I don't have the desire I used to going through all the fucking

social networks. because it's all the same fucking shit anymore. You're not getting from Facebook what you were getting. I see things on Facebook. I saw a post, I think, Saturday. A chick compared Louis C.K. To somebody else.

And I looked at the thread, and I tried to read it, and I'm like, and Austin, they're throwing politics in. And I forget who she compared to Lewis C.K. And then Lewis C.K. was all right, but the guy who, it's just nonsense. If you're finding relief on fucking Facebook, if that's what you want to do on it. And it had 25,000 fucking people on there arguing

about Lewis C.K. And some fucking guy that jerked off on the phone. You know, when the fuck does it end? When the fuck does it end? You know, you learn a lot on the computer. You learn how to do this. You know, Mike works on the computer. He does flyers.

He does this. But Mike also has two fucking kids he's raising. So it's not like he's on the fucking computer all fucking day. You know, during this fucking pandemic, whatever the fuck is going on, every time you sit in front of the computer, the TV, you know, some outlet, some guy listening, you know, this is why I don't want to bring up all the negative shit that's going on around this right now. Because as a matter of fact, all this negative shit,

be going on around you, as long as you stay positive. It's like a snowstorm, right? When the snowstorm fucking is coming down, what do you do? Sit there with your mouth open and wait for the snow flakes to walk in your fucking mouth? No, you keep fucking walking. It's a horrible snowstorm. There's winds going. Your fucking ears are flapping.

You're walking sideways. You ever being that fucking windy when you're walking fucking sideways? And what do you do? You don't just stand there and let you. the shit keep fucking fall on you until you become fucking frosty snowman you keep fucking walking and that's what's going on right now yes there's a thousand things going on yes you're waiting for i've been on the phone all day with unemployment yeah but you could have been chopping somebody's fucking wood and made a hundred fucking dollars meanwhile you're on the phone i'm trying to get unemployment

listen you're going to call until san jenero's day there's a window for fucking unemployment like two hours from six to eight and then you're fucking underlay and you go try to hustle something the winter's coming I know they got eight inches in Boston trust me Lee was fucking mad

because he had a shovel like eight inches that was part of his fucking Patreon little workout was shoveling eight inches you know you need money go shovel fucking snow but it's a lot better to sit in there

waiting for unemployment to send you that fucking check that by the time you get ooh I had a buddy every time I talk to him I'm over here waiting for unemployment. I'm over here waiting for unemployment. Dog, I got here in August.

He just got the check two fucking weeks ago. He could have done 20 fucking things in those two months and he was waiting for unemployment. I told him, come down here, paint the wall, fucking cut of grass. Nothing. He didn't want to do nothing. So he had to wait in this fucking apartment for two months with an unemployment check. You can't be lazy.

The bluebird of happiness has COVID. I don't know if you know that. Even the blue bird of happiness tested for fucking COVID. All those people, the fucking people that used to bring the check to your door, remember, hi, you want a million dollars. They quit. They got COVID too. They ain't dropping off any Getus on nobody's house.

Nobody's doing dick for you. If you ain't doing it yourself now, it's going to be, and I love these people, 2021 is going to be a better year. What are you thinking? You know, wake up January. first and a fucking bird's going to come up to you and bring you like a note. COVID is over. No. No. This is going to go on until fucking September. Be prepared. Get your fucking stock ready. Work on yourself. This is the time. This is what this is for.

This is what this is for. Ever since I watched that fucking Showtime documentary on the comedy store, I've been trying to figure out what fucking happened the last 20 years. That's what I've been trying. Ever since I watched that documentary and messed with my head in a way I can't describe because I had asked myself where have I been

the last 20 fucking years? And it was great. It was a great part of my life. It was like being in the NBA, you know? It was more than I ever anticipated. But guess what? It's over now.

It lives in my fucking head. And I put it in the back the same way when I went to prison, the same way from when I was married, the same way from when I was doing coke. It just goes in the fucking history books. For me, it's never going to happen again. I wish the comedy store stays open. I wish the laugh factory stays open.

I wish all the improv stay open. open. I wish all the comedy clubs, Denver Comedy Works, Kansas City, my man over in Columbus, I hope they stay open. But the sad factors, a lot of comedy clubs, we're going to hear, we're going to be hearing about a lot of comedy closings, a lot of venues that you grew up on, that you went to concerts at, small mom and pop theaters, you're going to be hearing that in 10, 10, 20 days. You know, 10, 20 days, all these businesses are going to be closing, especially out in California. You just cut out our tourist season.

You know, yesterday or the day before, a Friday, a memory popped up of me pushing mercy on a swing on Facebook. That was 2015. Every year, I would come, every other year, me and my wife would come to New York. this time of the year from the third to second to the sixth to seven because it's the cheapest it's going to be it's the cheapest the hotels are empty the city's still empty give it a fucking week people go over there to see that fucking tree people flying from all over the world to see that fucking tree who guess what that's not happening this year that's just not fucking

happening. That's 80% of your fucking income is what you make in December from tourism. L.A., the Rose Bowl. And if you've noticed, they're going to open up on the 21st, which will help, because that means those Rose Bowlers come to town. When those guys come to town, the 25th, they start rolling in on the 26th of December. Fucking L.A. is packed. Universal Cities, packed, the comedy stores packed both teams in the Rose Bowl come to the improv one night so one night it's it's Penn State the other night it's the other team you know this is big with everything closed what are they going to do what's the tourism how many these businesses are going to handle just that fucking loss from the you know many

businesses depend on December do you have any fucking idea and you're there in your house complaining about uh-uh I got to sit on the computer you know a day in work. Really? That's what you're complaining about. You better be fucking lucky. You better get up every morning and go on your hands and knees like I do and give thanks so to have a way to earn a little bit of fucking money. You know, I'm not on the road. And the road, what are you thinking? It's just going to clean open in January and people are going to be running down there. It's not going to happen. But I made the adjustment. I'm happy. I'm happier. If you look at me, you're like, Joey, you look happier. You lost a little weight.

No, I haven't. I'm about the same. But I'm cleaning up. I'm going to a gym, fucking four days a week. I'm eating better. I'm fucking definitely sleeping. I'm definitely fucking sleeping a lot better. I don't have that bullshit around me anymore. That bullshit is dead.

You know, my wife on Saturday rented out a little play zone to have close by. and my daughter and some of her little girlfriends, you know, the parents that have welcomed us, my wife wanted to, you know, give back. So my wife rented the little room at the play zone and got like, I don't know, how much money and little fucking passes. And we have like fucking 12 little kids over there yesterday, you know,

from her class, like kids that go to her class. Two of the girls from up the corner, And it was, I think, 10 girls and two little boys. And the two little boys only showed up because they were brothers to the girls. You should have seen their faces. When they had to take the picture by the Christmas tree at the end, they were like, really? We got to take a picture with 10 little, 7-year-old, 8-year-old girls.

But my wife said, you know, you were sitting there for a second, and you weren't playing any of the games towards the end. Why? Because I'm like, Marlon Brando. sitting there taking it all in, looking at these parents. And the difference between the parents that I was running with in Los Angeles and the parents that I'm running with here, the parents that I'm running with them,

that I was running with in Los Angeles, they were nice people. I have nothing against them. I missed them dearly. But their parenting skills and their yearning to be a parent was not the fucking parents. deal with here. The parents I deal with here. First of all, they were very appreciative. You know, it was a Saturday. It was raining out. Most shit wasn't going on. And here

my wife put this little thing together. They made gingerbread houses. You think I made no gingerbread house as a fucking kid? Whatever. They made gingerbread houses. Then they went and they played. They had fucking, what's when you put the shields on and you think you're a fucking alien and shit? Metro reality, whatever the fuck. Virtual reality, Metro reality. They had all that shit. They played fucking space invaders.

They shot basketballs. They played, what's that human shuffleboard shit? Where they all had a, it was tremendous. So the little girl got kicked them ahead with a ball. Listen, it didn't matter. I was looking at them and going, wow, look at the difference of parenting. The parents were involved. They were like talking to me about how they called a school every fucking day

and torment the principal. They got his cell phone number. They got his emails. They fucking blast him. You know, these are, you know, when I lived in California, the parents were like, well, they close this call. What are they going to do? These motherfuckers are, fuck you.

Open up the fucking school. You fucking. savage you fucking animal so it's just you know i was just taking in what what the fuck did i come from i can't you know i i told my wife i go i feel bad because i didn't lie to you that is the craziest thing everything i told you new jersey was it is i never lied to you about any about this stuff whether it was the fucking food i mean yesterday the place brought in like pizza like Part of the deal comes in with pizza. And I remember, I was like, I'm not going to waste weight watch a watcher points.

I ate on some fucking pizza. And the neighbor, my man Frank from across the street, is from Staten Island. He's got two kids. He's missed the fucking, the pizza sucks around here. He came out of. He goes, this pizza's not bad. I go, Frank, how many times are going to fucking tell you? Bad pizza in Jersey is better than good pizza in California.

I go, it's not bad. Let me get a fucking. slice. I tasted it was fucking delicious. Delicious and the crust was burnt a little weird. Like it was higher than regular pizza. Like they actually burnt it and it was crispy and it had a weird taste to it. Fucking tremendous.

I go, you know, on the way home my wife goes to me that, even the fucking pizza was good. In fact, we heated up and ate it for dinner last night. That's how good it was. That's not my point. The point is that all these things I felt in my head before I left California, we're real. New Jersey does have so much more to offer. Food-wise, people-wise, parent-wise. The behavior in kids I saw in L.A. and the behavior here, listen, my wife saw

a fucking at the park maybe two weeks ago. Like, when we were in L.A., we'd see bad kids doing shit in the parents and just go like, ha-ha-ha-ha, you know. He's so, you know, he's creative. And he doesn't know how to process his energy. Your kid's a punk, little faggot. And he's going to end up sucking dicks if you don't step in the middle of this right now. Look at him. Look at him.

He's half a fucking fruitcake already with ballerina's shoes on. And you're talking about you don't know how to fucking, how he should push his energy. Well, let me tell you something. Here, my wife saw a fucking lady smack a little boy in the face at the park. My wife's like the parenting here. They don't fucking. around. I guess the little boy went and smacked the mother at the park. She goes to mother

didn't even hesitate. As the kid's hand was going down, she was already up, giving him a cross smack to the face, and then told him to pack up his toys. He was fucking going home and to never touch him again. And my wife even came home was like, holy shit. It's a different fucking animal here. It's a different fucking animal compared to what I was, but the whole whole point of the story was that, you know, we made a decision and we moved on. Nothing, a lot of people who write me think that some weird event in their life is going to happen and everything is going to be better. And listen, I'm not here to blow your bubble. I'm here from experience because I had the same thing in my head when I was 23. You know, I was a little bit of my head. I was

just bullshit myself but most people today these young guys these young care and it's not your fault at all you just think something's going to happen you're waiting for somebody to hook you up but listen to me you have to assume and i'm not trying to be negative with you that nobody's going to hook you up you have to assume that nobody's going to come in and save you because at the end of this fucking thing the only thing that's going to cross the bridge for you is you helping yourself and that's what I realized up in that rocket ship that all this thing I was imposing on life that you know it's it's not the universe takes care of you life won't take care of you it's a big difference the universe always takes care of life won't take care you you got to take care of life but the universe

They take notes. They take notes. I don't know why. And it's every Thursday, Jimmy Florentine comes over here for dinner. He has this boy from Sunday to Wednesday, and he's involved. And on Thursday nights, I make it a habit.

Call him up no matter what my wife is cooking, and I invite him all for dinner. I do that for a reason. So he's not alone on Thursday nights, and I do that for another reason. I'll tell you why. And I told Jiminy on night. He's been over maybe six or seven nights on Thursday nights for dinner.

And I finally told him why. I go, in 1983, I was living in Snowmass Village, Colorado. And I was working as an electrician. And every, you know, you work with people. How are you doing? Hey, Mike, what's going on? Nothing. And one day, one thing led to another.

Mike said, I'm going to Philly. And I'm like, you know, Mike, I live close to Philly. I take a bus. And Mike's like, why do you take a bus? Just hop with me in the morning. And then, you know, just hop with me at night. And in the mornings, meet me at this place. I'll pick you up.

And we'll split the gas for the week. And I was like, fine with that. And that's how it started with me and this guy. And then one day, he dropped me off. And he goes, I can't do this today. Because I got to pick my wife up. And he goes, I'll forget it. I'll just pick you up anyway.

I have my wife in the car. And me and his wife hit it off. I was an 18-year-old kid. And me and his wife hit it off. And then me and him hit it off. And then one night he was like, hey, instead of going home, do you want to go get some nachos

at the Woody Creek Tavern? And I'm like, yeah, let's go down to the Woody Creek Tavern and get some nachos. And then I went to that, you know, that was one night. Then another night they said, listen, my wife is making a meatloaf on Saturday.

Do you want to come over? And I think there was like October of 83. I got to be honest with you, from October of 83 to January 31st of 84, these people had me on for dinner three nights a week. Not my roommate. They had me over for dinner. They were in their 40s. They didn't have any kids.

Maybe they were lonely. But they took care of me. The universe took care of it. And then let's fast forward to 95, 94, 93, when I was having the roughest points in my fucking life with that. Why? I was trying to get into comedy. You know, I was at war with my wife.

I was broke. I was living in a room smaller than this podcast fucking room. And this includes a shower and a kitchen and a front door. I mean, it was the bed was, I had a, it was a one-bedroom studio, but all that was in the studio was a fucking bed. That's all I had in the studio. I lived in that apartment for 18 months, and I didn't turn the stove on one fucking time.

Not once. All I had in the fucking refrigerator was fat fucking tire and water and sodas. That's all I had in this refrigerator. my income was zero. I had committed to comedy. I was selling cars. I was doing our jobs. I was fucking,

there was one job I did where the guy would call me like twice a week and I would have to, what's that shit when you fucking go over a tile? Grout. When you have to grout.

Oh my God. I think that's the beginning of my fucking knee pain from grouting fucking tile. Oh. But I did it. worked for him two days a week. I fucking sold fucking neon. I did whatever the fuck I could from 93 to 95. And I got a job in the sports bank service. And that made me a little bit of money.

That really, I'm not going to lie to you. That caught me up. That caught me up with attorneys. That caught me up with child support. That caught me up with a lot of things. It was selling sports information on the phone, which I'm fucking good at. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to lie to you about that. And there was a couple there. His name was Sammy. He had been Ace Freely's assistant for like three years.

And Connecticut moved to Boulder with a woman. She was a Chinese woman. I called a white powder maw. She was cool as shit. Family-owned Chinese restaurants in Boston. And I friended them, you know, and they knew I was in a low spot in my life. I was single. I was a junkie.

You know, I was at war with my wife. I was kind of brokenhearted. I was frustrated because all I really wanted to do was calmly. That's all I wanted to do. And I wasn't at that level yet, but I was out there every night. And they found out about this, and they would drive me to gigs. Sammy had Porsches. He was a Porsche collector. And we worked together, and he would drive me to all these. Every time I had a, you know, I had so many fucking aces.

But this guy would drive me the gigs, dry many gigs, dry many gigs. And then, forget about that. Three nights a week, like the other couple, they would have me off for dinner. Like, he would tell me at work. He would come over to me and go, hey, white pot of my said to bring your A game tonight. She made you some type of Chinese fucking beef or Chinese shrimp or whatever. Boom. I would go over the house.

They'd take care of me. Here's where it gets better. I got sick one time. And they told me to come over and stay in that bedroom and they'd take care of me. And they did. Here's even better. There were nights that they were going out.

And he would come up to me at work and say, white pot of my cooked, blah, blah, blah for you. We need to go to a function. Go to the house. You know where the key is. Eat and stay there and watch. till we get back and play with the dog. This went on three, four nights a week.

I remember days when they would say to me, if you're not doing anything today, we're going to be in Denver all day, come over the house. And at that time, my favorite movie was the movie with Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans with Eddie Griffin as the fucking DJ and the chick that was in John Wick 3,

the black chick. Jay to Pickett? What's the name? Not Jay to Pickett. No, no, no, no. She was a, John Wick, three or two. She always divorces her boyfriends and shit. She's the light-skinned sister.

Anyway, it doesn't really fucking matter. Holly Berry. Holly Berry. What was I talking about? I don't even fucking know. But they took care of me. They took care of me every night, you know? Not every night.

Three, four nights a week. I was over there. If they cooked, they never used it against me. You know what that's like? That they would come into their house. And I'd be on their couch with a blanket out, drinking their soda with a phone in front of me, making calls and shit.

You know how many times they said something to me? Zero. You know how many times those people from Minnesota said something to me? I lived in Snowmast Village. Zero. They took care of me. They just took care of me.

When I lived in Besort, Colorado, I had joined me. Fred Brooks. Every Friday night, Joe would pick me up, take me to a house. She would cook, and Fred and me would watch movies till fucking two in the morning. We'd smoke pot. He didn't smoke pot. I'd smoke pot. He'd smoke his cigars. And then at fucking 8 in the morning, we'd wake up, and he'd take me to shoot fucking guns. We'd go to the fucking hardware store and buy all types of fucking guns, and we'd shoot them. You know? so people have always taken care of me. So when I see Jimmy, Jimmy's got a family.

Jimmy's got a great family. Litted all around this area here where we live. But pretty much he's alone in his house. So on Thursdays, I do what life did for me. I make them come over and I let him see what a family is. I did the same thing with Steve Simone in L.A. Because people get lost and they forget what the family concept is. And I did the same thing for Lee.

I invite them to our home. If we had Christmas birthdays, whatever, you know, that's what I'm trying to become here. And that's why I have, I contact those single guys all the time because I knew what it was. This week I talked to Theo, had a great conversation with him. I talk to Lee every day. I checked on the Leah to make sure his health is okay and his mind is okay. regardless of what happened. At one time, we were all at the store together,

having a fucking great time. And now the LA comics are turning out one another, like fucking, you know, I'm really happy not to be involved in that scene no more. My heart does go out to Tom Segura. He took a bad fall playing basketball, broken kneecap, arm. My heart goes out to him.

Anybody knows I love Tom Segura. And it was funny because I called Bert back and he had Tom in the fucking band taking him to the hospital. So I was really concerned and I called him back. But my heart goes out to the Segorah family. Do yourself a fail.

Tom's giving you tons of content. Send them a message on Twitter, Facebook, and just let him know you were thinking about him. Tom is a good fucking man. I don't miss time. It's funny because last night, I called Dean Delray

Saturday night. And he was opening up for Bill and Austin. and it was so weird. He was saying he had a great week that Friday night he had saw Ron White and Rogan and Red Band and I got to be honest with you for 10 seconds.

I got a little, little, a little bit jealous. Like, I'm like, fuck, maybe that. And I was like, whoa, what am I jealous about? I don't want to be part of that anymore. Like, it's so weird. Like, right now, I'm not ready to be a part of that. Oh, I'm still best friends with Brian.

I spoke to him two days ago. And Joe Rogan is still my brother. And I still love Bill Burr and Dean Dahl. Forget about it. I'll shoot a motherfucker for a dean. But it was so funny for a minute there, I was like, man. I'm good. I'm good.

I don't need to be going out chasing it. I'm very good. This Wednesday, I'll be at Vinny's. Thank God. The next three Wednesdays, I'll be at Vinnie's. And then I also want to drop another bomb on you. November 18th, I'm having a total

motherfucking knee replacement. So I'll talk to Mike and see if we're going to have podcasts this week. If you know anything about me, me and Mike of the whip, we have podcasts every fucking week for you. We're not going to let you down, especially over the holidays. I don't want you to be alone and think about shit.

Before I get out of here, I'm going to talk to you about something, though. In that rocket ship, I learned a lot, and I flipped. I flipped my game. I really realized that I had to be a man. It was time to be a man. I wasn't a kid anymore. And guys, that's the biggest problem you'll ever have in your 20s. is that you're waiting for the switch to flip.

You don't know that that switch even exists, but I'm telling you it's there. It's really close to your heart. They call it a vow, whatever these fucking doctors, and the health profession calls it a valve. I call it a switch. There's a switch in your heart that's just like an electric panel board that it switches, you know,

and that's when you decide your, life. That's when you decide that this has to disappear for you to go this way. You know, the more you keep moving and the more you keep bettering yourself, more shit's going to have to disappear out of your life. Trust what I'm telling you, whether it's friends or whether it's a bad girlfriend, whether it's a bad situation that you've been going to something you're involved with, the higher you get these things will just fade off you. They'll just disappear. You'll go, what the fuck happened? You know, it's like I don't eat peanut butter no more. One of my biggest addictions of peanut butter. When you see me at 400 pounds in 350 the last couple

years is because every night I eat the fucking thing of peanut butter. I got peanut butter upstairs. I don't even look at it no more. Things just disappear from your life after a while. You don't have to, yeah, you have to check them. And then they just, just disaffirkin beer. Bad habits disappear. They'll just go away. The more good things you do, the more bad habits disappear. You look at me now and you're like, Joey, you look different. You know, I look at those old churches. My eyelids are closed. I look 10 years fucking older. You know, I had no pressure living in L.A. I love to tell you the pressure of living in it, there was no pressure. The only pressure I had on was the pressure I put on myself.

to be a good comic and a good person. But that switch I'm talking about, that switch went off in that fucking thing. And that switch led me to... That switch kept me alive, believe it or not, for close to 18 months. For close to 18 months, I lived by what that switch had done

somewhere in June or July of 86. I got weak. and I started snorting cocaine again and that led to my arrest in 88, 87, whatever, but that's a complete different thing. I'm talking about that switch. That switch has to happen when your back is against the wall.

That's not going to happen. And again, I'm not talking about putting you against the wall and having 19 Arabs get up with rifles and ask you what, your last cigarette, and you smoke a cigarette, put a blindfold down you and we shoot you. No, I'm not talking about that. What I'm talking about is you, you just switch.

Like, something makes you go, okay, this is what I need. I can't keep living off these excuses. My excuse at the time was that through some heavenly fucking glory, I was acting, guys, I wish I was lying to you. you know, 1984 was a different, you know, it's like people say to you, you know, $10 now is different than $10 in 1984. In 1984, for some reason, I had this fucking weird idea that I was going to walk around and somebody was just going to give me a half a million dollars.

Can you believe that? Can you believe how fucking stupid and retarded I was? And it was a war that I had gone into with my stepdad. and I kept telling him for you to get yourself out of this war, it's going to cost you this. He had no reason to pay me this money, and he didn't. But what I did was, as a human being, I go, you know what?

I feel I have this money coming to me. He doesn't want to give it to me. I feel society's going to give it to me. And if they don't give it to me, I'm going to rob it. And that's where I got that mentality. But no, I didn't. I said if I had that money coming, that that money would come to me in some form at some type of my life. At some time my life.

It might not be right now when I needed it at 23 because, you know, I want to live the Miami Vice lifestyle. I want to be on a boat with a bunch of blondes telling lies. That's what I wanted it for at that time. But guess what, man, I weighed it out that much. and the money did end up coming up over the years through comedy you know my first taco bell commercial made me some great money shit like that so I made a commitment to the universe that I was going to try and the universe did come through with that fucking money for me you know

the switch turns if you're struggling right now I have my fucking I'll give you my word as a man that the switch does turn eventually one day It just turns. And you go, this is what needs to be done. I'm seeing it right now with one of my closest friends and somebody that you guys know. Lee Syatt.

Lee Syatt started a Patreon last week. And I've been friends with Lee for a fucking years. And I haven't never heard him the way he is this week. You know, why? Because his backs against the wall. He's at home. and snowed. He's living with mom.

Like I tell him, he's in the basement. Next to the fucking water heater where he swings his kettlebells. He's like, I'm not really in the basement. I got my own bedroom. I don't give a fuck. You're going to get your fucking little cot and go to the basement

and make yourself pay those dues. But right now, that switch is going off of him. And for you people who spoke shit and came up your own assumptions about Lee. I always love Lee. And I was more than willing to bring Lee down here until I found out that, number one, there was nothing to do down here.

There ain't shit to do. Mike, what do you do down here? Unless you won't look at trees and shit. If you're fucking, if you're fucking 30 and you're single, there ain't nothing for you down here. There's no singles, bars. There's nothing. Everything is probably,

there's Buffalo Walsh. You know, up the corner. There was nothing for Lee here. I wanted Lee's switch to turn on. This is why I did this. I couldn't say this to you publicly because you wouldn't understand why I was coming from. I was never getting rid of Lee.

I was never getting rid of Lee as a friend. Anything like that. It was time for Lee's switch to go on. The same will happen with Mike someday. Mike Switch has gone on. Since we've met, your switch has gone out like three fucking times. Because why? You have kids.

You got kids. Your switch has to go on. You can't keep telling those same stories when you have fucking kids. The kids need to eat. Well, guess what? Mama's going to pack up those kids and take them back to her mom's house. And then you can hang out with your loser buddies and do all that dumb shit. But if anybody, I give them applaud to her.

Because, bro, we all think that that Anthony Robbins or that Jesus or the Holy Smoke is going to touch you and you're going to change. No, you're not. A switch has to go off. And once that switch goes off, bro, it's fucking scary. It's fucking scary. I told you last week that most of you people are stuck because you don't want to know who you're going to become. But once that switch goes off and you want to know who you want to become, it's fucking. It's real. I don't know. People, where do you get your motivation from? That fucking switch. That switch is never turned off. Once that switch is turned on, you'll never look for motivation. You'll tell Joe Diaz to go fuck himself. Fuck you with your Monday morning bullshit. You bet fuck. I don't need you. I got my own fucking shit going on. That's when you start waking up going. You know what? I'm waking up today on a Monday morning, December 7th, and somebody has to pay for me to wake the fuck up.

That's the attitude you start going. If I got to wake up today, somebody's going to fucking pay me to fucking wake up. And once you have that fucking attitude, that's when you're fucking ready. So I know that this has slowed you down. I know that, you know, watching the computer for learning and slowed you down a little bit.

But, hey, you got to find ways to pick yourself up. I'm happy you're on Patreon. I'm happy you listen to the podcast to break up your fucking week. But the answer for you is not on this fucking computer. It's out there living your life. It's out there doing projects. It's finding who the fuck you are.

I had a kid send me an email two or three months ago. I don't know what to decide I'm being. And he had eight things. A mechanic, a plumber, a janitor, an artist. And I'm like, just pick one. Just pick one. You're not going to be able to do two or two. of them. Just pick one. Let the switch go off and fucking attack it. That's it. Nobody's going to turn the

switch on for you. I'm telling you right now. Your mom can't turn it on. I'm having a baby. The baby's going to turn the switch on me. No, it wasn't. The baby's going to be there. And after you fuck up 12 or five times and your wife drops an ultimatum on you, the switch will go on by itself. of my line, Mike. Not at all. The switch turns on. You don't want, listen, you want the switch to turn on,

but if you're not ready for you, I don't want you to turn it on. You have to be ready to turn the switch on. If I would have turned that switch on in 83, I wouldn't be here right now. I would have died of a cocaine overdose. Thank God I turned it on in 85. And I turned it on,

and it was on on a positive side. Because like I said to you, My dream was never to be fucking George Collin. My dream was just to be a good man, a functioning man, and, you know, somebody who's part of the community, somebody who is on top of his fucking life. That's all that we wanted to be. That's it, and that's that.

It's fucking Monday, December 7th. You got your fill, you got your little Uncle Joey. We got to see each other. What are we? Fucking 18 days of it. away from fucking Christmas. This is great. This is great, guys. Listen, this is what it is. It is what it is. So what? You can't go to the bar. So what? You can't get together. Whatever the fuck you want to do, you do. You wear your mask. You don't wear your mask. The number one thing I expect from you right

now is fucking happiness and getting through this, plowing through this. The holidays is tough enough, but don't fucking lie to yourself either. 20-21 ain't going to be. be no fucking, ain't going to be no fucking parade on the streets. 2021 is going to be more of a struggling this. It's December and we're struggling. What do you think? January is going to change. March is going to change.

April. Oh, well, fires is coming out. That's all great. There's still going to be a mental residue left over. I don't want you motherfuckers to be caught up with that mental residue. Get rid of it right now. We got to start fucking rocking it right now. That's why we're starting with.

the Lucy gum. That's why I was starting with the fucking with the fucking alpha brain. I want you to start on it right now. You're not going to wait until December 31st to make your new fucking thing. You're starting today. That's fucking it. That's it and that's that. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for watching.

Wednesday at Uncle Vinnie's. I have not heard anything from Ozzy's Bone Yard. But for you Patreon people, the shirts are coming. As you can see, there's your little fucking, uh, mind that Joey Diaz lighter and whatnot. Everything is coming. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great Monday. Have a great fucking day. Don't let nobody fucking stop you. Get your notebook, start journaling. I don't know if you've noticed on Facebook lately. They're advertising all these fucking journals to how to fucking journal on how to be, whatever. Don't say I haven't been talking to you about journaling.

They're all a bunch of copycat motherfuckers. Don't pay for their journals. All you need is a notebook to pull your own creativity out. I love you, motherfuckers. I want to thank Hon. And I want to thank fucking Lucy Coe again. And I want to thank you guys from being part of Uncle Joey's joint. That's it.

And that's that. Have a great day. And we'll see you, Motherfuckers, Wednesday. I want to thank you, motherfuckers, for listening to my ear beating today. I'm sorry, I just got to get it out. It's the beginning of the month. We're coming on a new fucking year, and I want you guys to understand what the fuck is really crack-a-lacking.

Before I get out of here, listen, Uncle Joey's joint is brought to you by Lucy Nicotine Gum. I know how tough it is to quit smoking, especially when you smoke reefer. Me, I like smoking a cigarette, and then you follow with a reefer hit. And everything's beautiful, but I can't do that no more. I got health issues. So I had to stop smoking cigarettes. And I quit and I still fucking mess around with the nicotine gum.

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weekend we'll be back Wednesday stay black there you go cuckers