The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #020 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: December 9, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Today we talk about the transfer of addiction & desperation..... This episode is brought to you by Draftkings & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.draftkings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.cbdlion.com and enter Code: CHURCH or JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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Look who it is. What's happened? What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. Wednesday, the 9th of December, were what, fucking 16 days of? away from Christmas. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I made it. I'm alive. I fucking stressed out all weekend about

getting that fucking pre-op. And it's so funny, whenever I have to go to a fucking hospital or a doctor's office, the whole fucking night before, I'm shitting fucking pickles. I mean, I'm fucking shitting pickles. My body breaks down. It's the weirdest thing. I had to go to this pre-op thing, right Monday, Tuesday yesterday, whatever the fuck and Tuesday, yeah, today's Wednesday, Tuesday, with this

fucking thing, you forget what day it is sometimes, I'm sorry, and I had to go to this pre-op thing, let me tell you something. I was supposed to go like on Saturday and I never fucking went. Like Saturday, I just wasn't prepared. Jimmy Florentine even offered to drive me down there. It was like a 20-minute

ride and you can't eat anything you got to drive on an empty stomach And when I drive on an empty stomach for a long time, I usually get fucking dizzy. My blood sugar drops and I puke. So I'm like, fuck, I got to contend with this shit now. And then they're going to take blood out. And it's our first person.

Like, listen, if I got to get blood, like when I was living in L.A., I went to Bob Hope Medical Center, right? Bob Hope dope. Bob Hope Medical Center. I would go down there, and there was this nice little black woman that would take my blood out.

Great. She'd been the same woman for fucking 10 years. I got used to her. she'd call me baby the whole fucking thing I'd lay on the fucking thing remember I don't give blood if there's no windows in the room so you gotta get fucking they've got to be a window

or if not I start to fucking panic I started thinking about all that shit that I had to give blood to a new person you know I don't know if they're gonna have a window in the room and I'm gonna have to have a fucking face mask on listen I don't know by you guys as soon as I get out of my car

and I put a face mask on to go into a building I swear to God. Even today, even in month 9, my anxiety goes up a little bit. I swear to God. Those first 10 steps when your air isn't going into you or whatever, I swear to God, I get a little bit of fucking anxiety still. So I'm like, I got to get blood with a fucking mask on. Oh, so fucking Tuesday, my daughter dropped her off earlier. My wife dropped my daughter off earlier and we shot down to the hospital. And here's the thing. You ready for this one?

This is how bad I was. Monday I did the podcast with Mike. Mike left. I read a couple fucking errands. Mike, you were here with me. Can I do any edibles on Monday? Not in my vision. No. And I even have the spray, right? So, and I got

pills. I got the fucking pro tabs. And I got the ABXs. Right? So Monday and have nothing Monday night. what am I going to do with Monday night football maybe I'll do this maybe I go to my buddy Joe rails whatever the fuck I'm sitting there and I gotta tell you

at 4 o'clock on the fucking computer I was trying to write material it must remember the other day I told you I had a friend that whenever he would write jokes the notebook would boom maybe my material was so bad that the fucking notebook hypnotized me

and put me to sleep I swear to fucking God I'm trying to write these fucking jokes on, you know, nexium and all this shit. And all of a sudden, guys, I can't keep it together. I mean, guys, I cannot keep it fucking together. I'm getting dizzy and shit. I'm like, why am I so fucking tired? I got to stop eating these fucking edibles, right?

So I go upstairs, I tell my wife this, I go, I don't know why. I just got a little bad like I'm tired. So she goes, relax, watching TV for a while, and then go back to do what you were doing. I sat down at 4.30. I slept straight till 6.30. Then I got up, I ate dinner, I went back on the chair, and went kaputz again. I went kaputz till 9.30 at night. I woke up, I ran, I gave mercy a kiss, and I just crawled into bed.

No fucking tea, no sleep, spread, no nothing. And I slept solid till three in the fucking morning. And then I woke up and I was fucking starving, but you can't eat because you got to give a fucking blood test. You can't fucking eat You can't drink nothing I couldn't even drink fucking coffee So I stayed up from three in the morning To about six

And that probably quarter to six I said let me close my eyes I fell asleep to about seven And then she woke me up I washed my pussy I was sitting here Well you know I'm smelling baking upstairs

And sausage for mercy And I'm down and I can't get high Ah, you can't get stoned either So I went down there And when I got there That was the first online and perfect. The fucking lady was talking to me. I didn't know what the fuck he was saying.

Because I can't hear with the mask on. I couldn't hear her. She couldn't hear me. And the next thing, you know, I'm sitting. I turn around and there's fucking 80 people behind me. And I go, holy fuck. I'm happy. I came when I did.

And when you do a pre-op, you got to do a fucking, you know, the thing for your checks, the IBM, whatever the fuck. I don't know. The EKG, whatever the fuck it is. You got to do a fucking urine test. You got to do a blood test, and they got to do a fucking x-rays on your lungs. So the lady goes, you got to do all these things. So two of them are going to be done over there,

and the other two are going to be done over there. The EKG and the fucking X-rays are going to be done over there, and the blood work and the piss are going to be done over there. Go over there first. Like, dumb, da-dam, dumb, fuck. So I walk over to give blood. I look in there, guys, and it's packed. And, you know, if you read The Art of War, the War of Art, the War of Art, it's a thing called resistance, you know.

I took a chair. I go up to the lady. I'm here. She goes, all right, you know, sign in. You're going to do a blood test. She gave me a jaw. She goes, go take the piss test if you want now, and then wait to get called. So I go back there immediately, my fucking blood test.

pressure goes up. You know, I got to piss with a mask on. I got to pull my sweats, shut up. I got jeans on. I got to pull my dick out. Make sure I hit the fucking thing and the pee don't splash on your pants. You know, you don't want to fucking smell like pee. So I take my dick out even longer and shrug it out and put it in the fucking cup and make sure I peed. And then you don't know how much peas in there. So you got to keep looking at it, looking at it. And then you And then you look at it. It's just fucking three inches of brown shit. I didn't smell it.

I didn't smell it. I didn't smell it in the fucking ass. I put the cap back on it. I put in the baggie. Boom, I give it to her. And I'm sitting there there had to be 15 fucking minutes, guys. And every fucking minute that went by,

hey, listen, I'm normal just like you guys. I bleed when I get cut. And I put my pants on one like at a time. Every fucking minute I sat there, I gave myself another reason not to have the surgery. Have you ever done that? Just giving yourself reasons not to do something. That's called resistance.

I was sitting there going, what am I doing this? November 18th? It's going to ruin my Christmas. What Christmas? What am I? One of Santa's Elvis? What am I on the fucking sleigh? Am I going to help them with the fucking sleigh rides? I mean, this is this shit that goes in your head.

You know, I won't be able to give people hugs. I won't be able to do this. I won't be able to do that. I got to lay down for three days. You know, I got to do a show on the 23rd. Remember, I'm doing surgery on the 18th, but I'm doing a show on the 23rd, because that's how we wrote.

I'm going to sit on a fucking stool. You know, do I really need to do that? Fuck it, let's do it next year. I'll have the other insurance from SAG. I gave myself every reason, and I swear to God, guys, this always happens to me. I said to myself, you know what?

if they don't call my name next I'm gonna just get up and get the fuck out of here and I'll deal with my wife I'll deal with the doctors you know and I'll feel like shit because I'm a pussy and I don't want to take a blood test and I didn't even get that process I didn't even get that thought process

and as usual a guy came in maybe 10 years younger than me with the fucking and, you know, the fucking stroller. And he was breathing heavy. His hair was all fucked up.

And when he got to the counter, he basically turned the fucking thing around. And he sat on the chair. And he just sat there. And the lady's like, can I help you? And he's like, I just got to get my breath for a second. He walked from the fucking, from the hospital door to there.

I could do that. That walk was 20 feet. Even me with my fucked up. legs could do it but I saw the look on his face I saw how he sat down I saw how he was breathing he had sweats on he didn't have a wedding band on I looked at him and I didn't judge I just broke him down for who he was he had a fucking giant shirt on you know that was two sizes too small for him he had one role after the other one I'm trying to say is this guy didn't take care of himself. And now he's walking with this fucking thing. You know, he never exercised. He never

fucking A-bright. You never did nothing. And I saw that when he walked in and I'm like, that's what I don't want. You know, the reason I'm doing this knee surgery, the real reason, I mean, I'm not doing it to be a fucking fighter with to run marathons. I'm doing it because I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that when I went to Disneyland last year, I'm embarrassed. I went to Great Adventure this year. I can't walk around my daughter. I can't do that whole fucking eight mile

fucking jaunt around the park. My fucking legs feel like death, you know? So I called my sister. I'm like, what do you think I should do? Because she's like my doctor. My sister's a high-level nurse. And I call her for all my advice. She's like my underboss.

Like my concilietti. I called her up and I go, listen, this is what's going on. I'm on. It's the heat of COVID season. Nobody wants to be in a hospital. You get put on the wrong floor or whatever. But at the same time,

I want to have a normal summer next year. Like, I want to be able to walk on the boardwalk. Who knows when this is coming back? But I still got to walk. I mean, it's not like I'm getting it done because I got to go fucking load trucks or something. But, you know, I'm going to be 58 in fucking February. We ain't got no younger here.

My uncle recommended it. When I talk to my sister, I go, you know, I don't know. She goes, why are you doing it? How bad is the pain? I go, the pain is pretty fucking bad in my knee. You know, like if I flip it when I'm driving, because that's the speed pedal. When I flip it, if I flip it, I have to, like, fucking close my eyes and pull my leg and that's how much pain there is in my right knee right now. Even though my left knee, arthritis-wise, is worse than my right knee.

So that's the real reason why I'm doing the surgery. You know, I go to the gym. I can't walk on the treadmill. I can walk eight minutes on the treadmill. I got to tap. Seven minutes. I got to tap. I still do all my squats.

I still do deadlifts. I still do, you know, whatever I got to do, you got to bend your fucking knee. So I'm able to do it. I can live with that. But what I really needed for, what good is all that training if I can't fucking walk five miles and make my daughter happy

and walk in an amusement park with her or go on a hike with her? You know, that's what I can't do. And I can't be. be one of those fucking dads that just sits there. You know, they think I'm sitting there because I'm a fat fuck. No. I'm sitting there because my fucking knees hurt.

So the surgery is next fucking Friday. That's it and that's that. I'm going to sit tight. I'm going to see how the fucking therapy goes, the physical therapy. I really talk to the guys at the gym. They're ready for me. Their psychology is, listen,

you're missing one limb, you still got three other ones. We'll work. those and we'll catch the other one up when it's time. So I'm going to go for it. And then if let's see what happens in February and fucking damn made a decision yet or whatever the fuck's going on, I go back for another knee replacement. And we balance it out.

We fix that fucking hamstring. And this is what it's all about right now. It's time of taking care of yourself. You're paying fucking $18,000 months, $18,000 a month for insurance. You might as well fucking use it right now. Do that colonoscopy. Get that eye exam. You might as well do all this shit.

I got all the, I've got a heart doctor. I can't see at night when I drive. I'm getting the glasses for fucking driving at night. This is what you do now. There's nothing else to do. You might as well take advantage of it. Right or wrong. Who the fuck am I?

That's it. We're here. We're fucking queer. I was thinking about something the other day that, you know, I've just been thinking about a lot of shit lately, you know, Just the other day I mentioned the dopey podcast. I have a lot of friends who are sober, who are very sober, who listen to the dopy pot.

Just because I smoke pot and I'm fucking crazy and I'm out of my mind doesn't mean I don't support sober people. I really do. And there's one guy talked to all the fucking time. In fact, him and I do like a fucking mini-A. meeting on the phone. I've been friends of this guy maybe 30 years. he's been clean for about if I haven't done coke for 13 years

he's probably been clean about 20 years when I was thinking about getting clean I didn't talk to nobody else but him on a confidential type thing I would just call him up and explain to him this is what I wanted to do and he would suggest different things

that I would do you know and you know he was the one I suggest that I should go to a little rehab. So I tried to sign up for a fucking rehab. Then somebody pointed me out. They go, you were a comedian at the comedy store, so I couldn't go back. It was like a little outpatient rehab by Hollywood there. They paid for it.

I think the state paid for it or whatever. You had to pay a couple dollars a month. I think it was going to cost me like 40 bucks a month. I quit after one month, but I learned something. In that one month or the one week or the two weeks that I was there, I learned a crucial word and it helped me make my progression into sobriety. I know a lot of people right now are drinking.

I know a lot of people right now are doing fucking drugs. I know a lot of people right now, you know, anxiety is big. We're going over the top with the bills. You know, I was guilty of that early on in March and April. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't like the fucking, you know, the whatever collazana pan to relax me.

your work, but I didn't like the effect. I think it promoted it. It was like when I put my hearing aids in, if I wear my hearing aids too much and I take them off from fucking death. Why? Because something else is working for you. It's like doing steroids when you're old. You know, you stop making

fucking ball juice. So while you're doing the fucking steroids all those months, your nuts act ain't making ball juice, then when you get off the steroids, now your body has to reteach itself how to do all this stuff. But you use that word transfer of addiction.

And he also told me that when people quit getting high, they're addicted. That's why so many people OD. You know, because, well, there's two reasons why I shouldn't say that. There's the reason that they get clean and they think that they could still shoot what

they were shooting before they got high. And the other reason why people die is because they take time off. Yeah, it's the same thing. They fucking do the amount They thought they could do Six months earlier

But they don't know that their addiction grows Your addiction grows So sometimes you shoot that amount And it isn't that and the second dose gets you So either way, your addiction keeps growing That's why when people quit drinking for 20 years And they go back up the 20 years They end up dead

Because they just drink everything in sight I had a friend who just passed like that He was sober for 20 years got back on the bottle and fucking it's over but to shout and rest is in peace but here's what I wanted to get to you

for me when I heard that transfer addiction it made a lot of sense because I looked at my own life and I looked at the addictions I had gone through and it didn't necessarily have to be drugs okay we're all addicted to something along the way at least I was

having an addictive personality once you come to terms that you have an addictive fucking personality you go, I got to do something about it. I realized I had an addictive personality when I was 44 years old. It was a bit too late, you know what I'm saying? That's when I broke it down backwards.

Once I was 44 and I got an addictive fucking personality, this is what the fucking thing is. Once you try to get clean, the first couple days of you getting clean are so important for you to journal. Those fucking days you should just be journaling on all day, you know, maybe journaling about how you started getting high, just to relieve the pain of you, you know, coming off the fucking shit, you know. For me, the journaling, when I first got

sober, that first month, that's all I did. I remember I was shooting a movie, and I even brought a notebook and a pad with me to bring on the fucking set because I would get cravings, and I would try to give myself excuses. I don't know. One way or another is stuck, and I just stayed, uh, sober but I still remember thinking about the AA model sorry about that the water went down the wrong tube it went down the pubic hair tube you know what I'm saying you have you have that little pubic hair fucking catch on your neck that's been a long time I don't even need that catch no more I'm not an animal like I used to be but when I thought about my sobriety I remember thinking that fuck I'm not going to be funny if I don't get high no more because

couple of comics that fucking stopped getting high, and then they weren't funny because they took it too seriously. They took the whole sobriety thing a little bit too seriously, which you have to take you have to take seriously if you want to live. People know when they're gonna, when they're gannas. Me, I knew I was a gana either day. When you do a line of coke and you get an electronic twitching your fucking neck, when your neck starts twitching, you know it's just a matter of time before your brain blows up, you have an aneurysm, when you have a stroke, or whatever the fuck happens when you do coke. So for me, between the 400 pounds, the four packs of cigarettes, they're eating like an animal, and the electrical twitches going on, the firework display.

I had gone off in my spine, I figured it was time to fucking quit. But I knew that if I didn't do something else, I knew that word transfer of addiction. I knew if I didn't do anything else, that I would end up snorting coke again. And I still remember like three or four days, like I stopped snorting coke like on an off day, like a Tuesday or Wednesday, but the true test was going to be that first week and of not getting eye.

And I remember that I was sticking to the AA prototype, which is no reefer either. You can smoke cigarettes and drink all the coffee you want until your fucking tongue turns fucking blue. But there's no fucking. rea. So I remember the first three days or four days. I was working on this movie and I was so caught up that there was really no reefer in my life at all. You know, I would come home and in those days I got a friend of mind to give me some sleeping pill he had. He was a neighbor three doors down. I didn't care about

the sleep apnea or anything. The fucking, the, whatever, you know, the coming off the Coke at eight o'clock would give me huge panic attacks because by eight o'clock I wanted it in my pocket I didn't want to do it I wanted it in my pocket by eight o'clock so by a quarter of fucking eight at night my anxiety would start fucking percolating so those days I would just come home and I think a neighbor had valiums a little black dude in my building had valiums and I traded them something for valiums and you know by that time I well I wasn't eating valium so I knew I have a valium would knock me to fucking out. I'm not going to lie to you. The first two weeks of me coming home from that movie at night, I would basically eat dinner, take a shower. I would say the minimal amount of words to my wife

because I didn't want the craving thoughts to get into my head. I would pop a fucking valium and drink an amaretto and milk. How much of a pussy of a drink is that? But amaretto fucks me up because I don't drink. And I would just fucking soothe out and go to bed. So I'm thinking to myself, Christ, Joey. You're trying to get fucking sober and you're still using alcohol and, you know, a sleeping pill, which is illegal to get fucking sober. Something didn't sound right there. But I started thinking about it. What put me in prison? Cocaine. What made me become a fucking thief? Like, listen, I'm a thief. It's in your fucking DNA. but thievery who made me go all out and be a scumbag thief cocaine who made me change the way i thought changed my you know there was a time period when i didn't think i could have a good time at night

unless i i did coke can you imagine that when i was 19 i was already dead in my mind if i didn't have Coke. I didn't think I wouldn't have a good time. People would say to me, do you want to go to this party? You're going to have Coke? No. I'm not going to have party. It's not going to be fun. So when you're trying to thought of that is that way, you're never going to get out of that. I mean, that was my, since day one, that was my whole thing, you know. I didn't use the Coke to get on stage. I used the Coke for after I got off stage to fucking get high and have a good, At least I had that control. I had that much fucking control.

But I never forget that first weekend that I was sober, Ralphie picked me up. I'm wearing the fucking car. I didn't want to tell Ralphie I quit doing coke. When I do things like that, I usually don't tell people about them in case I fail. So I don't want to like a fucking idiot, you know. It's like when I first joined Jiu-Jitsu,

I didn't tell anybody I was joining because I felt like a fucking thing. If you quit, then you're a failure. So when I first started not doing coke, I didn't say anything to anybody. I just kept it to myself, like the first maybe 30 days. I think sometime in December, I remember that that's when I fucking realized

I was sober for 30 days. I might as well not do it again. It's been the first time I was sober for 30 days off cocaine and fucking years. I mean, the only time I was ever sober from cocaine was August of 88 to February of 88, six months from fucking October of 79 to November of 88 of 2007. That's a lot of fucking years of getting high. You know, people say that they lose their sense of smell when they get COVID.

I'm surprised I still have a fucking sense of smell. I'm not numbing all the fucking things that make it. smell stuff in your nose. I'm really surprised. But I remember I smoked a pot with Ralphie that Saturday. I felt like a little bit of a hypocrite, but I didn't. Sunday I smoked pot. Monday I smoked pot.

And I think when I was a week sober off cocaine, that's when I decided. I said, this is going to be called the transfer of addiction. I'm going to take this, and I'm never going to do coke again. But I'm still gonna smoke dope. Why? Because it keeps my fucking powder dry. I don't want to be an itchy guy.

You know, listen, Jehovah Witnesses bother me. Amway salesmen bother me. And fucking people who fucking are too sober bother me. You ever have somebody who's too sober that comes to you and tries to give you a fucking earbeaten? Those fucking people bother me. You know, they try to, like, imposing on you. I'm not imposing.

being sobriety on you. I'm not at all. I want you to be happy, live your life, how you live it, and do what you do. What I'm talking to you about is if after this pandemic or right now, listen, around this time of the year, I start thinking about December 31st. I start thinking about how much, how are we going to be better on December 31st for the, for the next upcoming year. This month is done. This year is done. Listen, I don't want to hear how. It was a bad year. It was a bad year for everybody, not just for you. Nobody had it out for you.

Nobody's going to fucking, you know, what this is, is just a bad year. And we've got to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves to fuck off. Look in the mirror and go, am I going to fucking sit here wounded? Or am I going to fucking move forward? We're going to move the fuck forward. So, you know, part of moving forward is these bad habits we've picked up over the last nine months. And trust me, I picked them the fuck up too. But look at me now.

Look at me now. Look at my eyeballs. They're clear. I'm not that this fucking thing. They aren't green no more over this. I'm not saying that was from doing drugs, but doing fucking 800 milligrams of edibles every day doesn't help you either, especially when you're taking anxiety medication and God knows what the fuck else I was taking. So now I feel a lot better that I put work into this sobriety. No, I just went back to what I was doing from day one with smoking pot. That's it. You know what? I told someone. me a day. They're like, do you smoke a lot? And I go, I'm going to be as honest as I can with you. During this pandemic, there was times the first March and April, the only way I got through this was by doing strong edibles. Now I'm using

the edibles to sleep. I'm not even using the edibles to get an eye no more. What the fuck for? I mean, I'm satisfied with the weed. I move from California. I'm going to change some stuff around. This is what I wanted to change around. And we did it. We're here. We're queer. That's it.

So if you're thinking about getting sober And you don't want to press up Like I've said it a thousand times I don't give a fuck and I approve it to you motherfuckers You know those pills you're taking Those ABX pills That I fucking squeeze in my tea at night Those ABX

Whether they're 50 milligrams or 100 milligrams You know me Give it a try Don't take it from me Tell your best friend that smokes weed To make you a platter of brownies Give them whatever you pay for a fucking oxy cotton or whatever you pay for those pills,

start eating those fucking edibles. It's a complete different feeling. I'll tell you what, you eat one of my fucking ABX edibles. You look at those, trust me, one time I had an oxy cotton, a fucking 16th, a little tiny, tiny, tiny. It was small in a baby's tooth. It was tiny little piece, and I felt like shit. And I know when you eat these edibles, listen, and so what, if people go to you, yeah, but you're not sober, but I'm not going to fucking die either.

I'm not going to die either. That's my mentality. You know, Rifa never got me in fucking jail. One time I got arrested for Rifa. I got spanked in the hand. Rifa, in the words of Chris Rock, doesn't make you go to the ATM and four in the fucking morning. Rifa doesn't, sorry,

Rifa doesn't make you. I gave you guys a finger by mistake. What the fuck is going on, Joe? Reefer didn't make me rob houses. Reefers and give you those stories. Reefer never made me kidnap somebody. I never kidnapped somebody for a fucking pound of refa. So in my world, it was the safest place I could be.

What's the worst thing that could happen to you when you eat an edible? You might eat a bag of donuts or you might pass the fuck out. That's the worst thing that could happen to you. Right? Because you get really fucking high. I don't drive nowhere. You can't get a DW. I mean, I know if I want 20 white castles, I'll go to white castle and I'll bring them home.

Then I'll get high. Then I'll fucking reheat the white castles. I'm not saying I'm eating white castles. I'm just giving you a fucking example that, you know, refa don't get you in no trouble. I don't give a fuck when anybody tells you. Oh, it makes you lazy. Really? Come over to my house.

See what I do before I smoke a joint and see what I do after I smoke a joint. you'd be fucking amazed. You're like, you do all this shit. I smoked that shit, and I'm passed out for fucking 20 fucking years. Get it together. It's called transfer of addiction. This all started with me and the pacifier.

It went from the pacifier to sodas. It went from fucking sodas to cocaine. And then when I was on cocaine, the addiction spreads to everything else. I was addicted to food. I was addicted to fucking peanut butter. Again, you transfer that addiction now. When I want a snack and I want a salami sandwich with cheese,

I eat one of those fucking protein bars that taste like 10 dead dicks and they get stuck in your teeth. You ever have those protein bars? It's like you're eating fucking cork. You got to drink water so you don't choke the deck because the fucking thing will fucking blows up in your throat. I'd rather eat a protein bar. That's a chance I got to think.

That's the same thing with the addictions. It's real easy for me to go upstairs right now, smoke a joint and put a spoon in a fucking jar of peanut butter and eat fucking a whole jar of peanut butter that's my fucking world people oh and you get how about when you get the

you know I do the you ever get Oreos and put them fucking peanut butter and shit like that you know I've done all that shit I didn't get to be a fat fuck because I was eating fucking tofu burgers and shit I got to be a fat fuck

because I knew how to throw down but I also looked at it and acknowledged and said I can't have to keep living like that no more The idea I wanted to a fucking Wawa. They got fucking New York Superfudge chunk. I almost lost my fucking mind. There's nothing better in this world

than Tom and Jerry's New York Superfuge chunk. With a big fucking thing that's a Coca-Cola, you get a superfuge chunk, you eat with half of it, put it a big fucking glass, pour Coca-Cola on it, and stir that motherfucker, and then you drink it,

and at the end you get all the peanuts and the almonds and the fucking white chocolates in there. I love all that. shit. If I do that now, end up in a diabetic fucking dead zone. And who's getting hit the worst from this COVID thing? The diabetic people are fucking going fast. So if you got diabetes, you can't be eating that fucking sugar. And so I learned from my brother Dean Delray, switch to a fucking protein bar. It's the same thing. Every addiction has an answer at the end. You know what I'm saying? If you're addicted on fucking 12 pizzas, you got to find something else.

that'll fucking calm that whatever down. You know, wait watches and says eat a fucking apple. You know, if you're not hungry enough for an apple, you're not hungry. If you're not hungry enough to eat an apple, you're not really hungry. So, you know, the addiction could always be turned down. Turned down to what's not going to kill you. That's what I did. Listen, the Coke was going to kill me.

The Coke was going to put me in jail. The Coke was going to make me miss fucking dates. How many dates do I miss when I get stoned? Not many. How can you forget to get on a fucking plane? You know what I'm saying? When I was too coked up, there were nights I'd get coked up

and I couldn't get on a fucking plane. So I picked the easiest out of all of them. Something with the reef. So if you get mad at that type of sobriety, go fuck yourself. It works for Uncle Joey. It keeps my powder dry. And it puts a smile on my face.

And at the end of the week, in the words of Cheryl Crow, if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. You know what I'm saying? Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with Copsuck, it's Wednesday the night. I'm in a Christmas fucking spirit. We ain't fucking around today.

I feel good. You feel good. You look good. I can see you through the fucking screen. Cogsucker. You sit there at your desk with your hair all fucked up. Fuck that shit. Go put some mop that dude, Cogsucker.

You might get a chick on the computer today. It's your lucky week. Motherfuckers. What else I've been thinking about lately? There's something else I was on my mind. You know, I'm unwinding from my fucking L.A. bullshit. That's why I think I feel as good as I do. And the end of that, I was writing.

And a name just popped up in a journal, you know. Just I was writing about something and about L.A. And what things I miss about. I think I talked to Theo that night. And the name popped up. You know what name popped up the other day just off the blue when I was writing in the journal? Because it really fucking bothered me and it really opened my eyes to what I was living through. And if I tell you this, I could explain a lot more things to you by explaining this to you.

Two words. Jesse Smollett. Have you ever thought about Jesse Smollett and with that poor kid, Because that's what I call. I'm not mad at Jesse Smolett at all. Jesse Smolett is a young kid that made the same mistake I made. He tried to set up, he just made a mistake. And most of us make mistakes, you know.

He made a mistake by trying to set up a fake racial attack in Chicago to make more money to get a raise or something. He was scared of getting fired. so he figured if he got beat up they would feel bad for him and keep him and i think he was making 75,000 a week you know this is in the middle of or at the end of all the Weinstein stuff so i was thinking about the Weinstein stuff and you know him being accused of rape him doing time but all the women that you know sucked his dick for a movie role and all that shit you know and i was thinking about what happened, you know, for you people that are still saying,

the show we got in trouble, nobody didn't get in trouble. Some fucking jerked off fucking made a thing that fucking Rogan laughed in a video, and I said 20 chicks, and at the end it was just taken out of content. Nobody got in trouble. If we got in trouble, I would have been under a fucking jail right now. Nobody got in trouble. Just a couple of assholes got upset, and we had to set them straight and let them know that we're from the Lenny Bruce School of Comedy,

And dick sucking is allowed. You understand me? I don't want to hear nothing. But when you hear the Jesse Smollett, the argument about Jesse Smollett, you'll understand the dick sucking and the whole thing like that. What would make? I mean, the Jesse Smollett situation is an embarrassing day

for men, women, gay people, whatever the fuck you want to call it. You know, some people were saying he did it because it was gay. You're a fucking asshole. He did it because of the same reason would turn me off about LA. And that was it.

That was the first time I actually thought about where I was living and what would make a good-looking young man with a great fucking future do something as fucking stupid because when you look at the whole fucking thing, it was stupid.

It was Joey Diaz kidnapping. Stupid. It was that stupid. When I look at that point in my life, it was just a stupid fucking day. Was it fun? It was kind of fun. I had a good time, you know, fucking whipping out a gun and ripping the ceiling down. It was fun to an extent.

But when you look at the whole frame of things and you look at what I did, now I did it, it was fucking stupid. Fucking stupid. What Jesse Millett did, Smollett, whatever his fucking name was, was fucking stupid. You look at the kid, you know he's, with him. brought up right he's educated you know he was brought up in a good house he's not like you know some fucking uh i don't know i don't know what to say anything i'll say i'll get in trouble which i really don't give a fuck at this point again he's not some fucking ghetto fucking uh brother he he's an educated you know nice trimmed up brother you know what would make him set up an attack or say that two black

guy has attacked them and yell Trump or some shit, you know, as they're beating them up, they're like, fuck you, Trump sent us, whatever the fuck. I don't know what they said to it. But, you know, no joke, what would make somebody make up a story like that, put themselves in a situation. It's not the greed. It was the desperation. The same desperation those women had when they walked up the fucking stairs with Harvey, you know, and then you got a 50-50 chance. You know, a lot of people didn't suck Harvey's dick, but a lot of women did suck Harvey's dick,

and someday that memoir is going to come out, and not that it matters. You know, you got to do whatever you got to do to take you the way you need to be. I'm not here to judge you, whatever. But don't play like you didn't know what was going to happen while you were going up that elevator or why you were walking up that elevator,

or why you were walking up those steps. That's what fucking bothers me. But that's not the subject I'm talking about here. I'm talking about Jesse Smollett and the fucking move he did. And you're sitting there going, yeah, but that happened almost a year ago. That's why it's good to bring it up now.

Because back then, you weren't thinking when you first got hit with it. It's like the people who first got hit with, you know, when the guy got beat up and they're like defund the police now. Those are just three fucking words. guess what? Now people are defunding police departments and people are seeing what comes with that with 29, 29 minute 9-1-1 call responses or whatever. But I'm not getting into political terms of that shit right now. What I'm getting into is how desperate you have to be to do something like that. That was the desperation I was living around. And that was the desperation that I had to get. away from. I mean, you think about that. That's just, I had 20 Jesse Smolett's around me on a daily

basis. Not men, not particular women, not particular men. I'm not putting anybody down. I'm just saying that, you know, when somebody comes up to him, they're like, you're not going to believe this. I've got a pilot, I might go, or wait, you know, all that. It's just that it's like this fucking desperation. But the Jesse Smolett thing, I think was what pushed me over and let me, know it was time for me to leave because it was so mind-boggling of a thing that you set up then they found the two africans going to bite a rope and the fucking man mean they these two guys weren't geniuses either you know you have to go across town you wouldn't go on with the other guy you'd have to wear a fucking disguise so they couldn't catch it you know you don't pay with a credit card or pay with a

check i mean he even paid the guys with a fucking check everything he did and that move was stupid. Is he a stupid kid? No. Not by no means. He just made a mistake. I'm not here putting them down. I'm telling you about the situation.

And what made that kid do that that day? And it's called being desperate as fuck. And that's when you look at me and you go, oh, yeah, Joey's probably not getting high as much. Joey's lifting. Joey's, no. That feeling around. me was crushing me as a

fucking man. That weight was crushing me. That I had people around me that were ready to do that at any time. The girl that sucked my dick at the comedy store, you think that was the first girl that went down to the comedy store to suck dick to get spots for a comedy to take around the road?

You're going to hear a thousand fucking stories. Listen, the comedy story, I did a documentary of it, and there was one thing I was proud of that they threw in there just so the people at home knew part of that background. Yeah, Missy fuck some of the comics for stage time. Was it stage time?

No. She was a sexual fucking woman. She was a sexual beast. If you looked at it when she was younger, Mitchie was a piece of ass. No disrespect to Pauley or Peter. I'm just telling you what I saw from, you know, the pictures or whatnot like that.

I heard little stories. I heard little rumors. I didn't have to eat a pussy to fucking get spots. But if she came to me with an ultimatum, him, eat my pussy to get spots. It's not like you're sucking somebody's dick. I'm going to take that pussy to the grave, Jack. I'm going to suck all the ginion use out of that fucking thing.

I'm going to take half the clit off as a souvenir and bite. I'm going to get spots to the end of the day. Maybe I would have done it. I don't know. I don't fucking know. But I just want to tell you about the desperation that I lived around. And one of the things that made me double take of where I was living. because that was the common thread

that was the little air is that desperation you know there were little things happening that I would say why the fuckers is happening I did that show on Showtime that was based off the comedy store

whatever the fuck it was loosely it was Jim Carrey's show he wasn't in it he was the executive producer I recurred on I did like three episodes it didn't matter I don't even know

what I was on the same these motherfuckers It didn't matter about, you know, the three episodes or whatever the fuck I did. I forgot what I was going to say. Who the fuck gives a fuck? It's towards the end anyway, you know what I'm saying? I proved my point. We covered fucking, we covered a lot of things today.

How's that for you? We covered Missy's Muffler. We covered Missy's Muffler. We covered Jesse Stollett. We covered fucking addiction. We covered it all. But no, what I'm trying to say, you people was that was I did that show for each uh showtime and I forget they had a little rap party

and I remember going to the rap party guys and it was a Monday night and I told my wife you know what let's do a date night let's get the baby said I'll take you with me I haven't gone to one of these things these people are nice enough to put me in that fucking show but the least I could do is just go down there and fucking be a gentleman and you know let me tell you something I walk in there as I was leaving I saw Jim Carrey I mean I didn't go to this see Jim Carrey or whatever in my life I saw Jim Carrey like two or three times I never had a conversation on him or anything it was so funny I was standing there and I'm meeting these fucking hors d'urbs or whatever the fuck that they had and I'm talking to my wife I'm looking at my

wife I'm going look at all the people that are here this is a rap party and the people that were in the show. Like I did my scenes of Melissa Leo. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? You know Uncle Joey could work opposite anybody, motherfuckers. So I did my scenes of Melissa Leo. You know, when I did my scene with her,

I didn't really, I talked to her a lot when we were in the room. We talked about different movies she had been in and, but I didn't get a chance to thank her. So I wanted to thank her. I went down there just basically to thank the producers to put me in the show and to thank Melissa Leo

for giving me a fucking acting lesson that day in that room and I didn't see Melissa Leo you know I didn't see her at all but what I did see was 150 fucking people that had nothing to do with the show that was just there like hi how are you

and I'm like what are you doing here? Were you in the show? And I wasn't trying to be mean to them and I would just say to them I didn't know you were on the show and they would go no we just got invited

we crashed apart and I'm like, what? What is the point of you crashing this? I'm dying up here. Yeah, I'm dying up here. The stars are all here. Santino's here. Eric Griffin's here. Fucking the little kid from almost famous is here.

The black dude is here. They're the stars of the show. The girl, the cute little blonde. What the fuck are you doing here? Like, there were so many people that didn't fucking belong there. I'm like, this is what I'm talking about. Why are you here? What is the fucking point here?

So that was it. Part of that. The fucking Jesse Smolett thing. You know, and again, you're like Joey, Jesse Smolett a year later. I want you to think about what that fucking dude did. That's part of what lives in L.A. That's part of it. You know, and he don't have a whole, look at, half of it is being desperate,

and the other half is looking to fill the hole. That's why Bikram Yoga, that's why Nexium, And that's why Scientology are fucking filthy rich Because half of them are desperate And the other half you gotta fill that fucking hole Or whatever the fuck happened to them In their childhood or they gotta be friends with people Or jump up and up and down

With white people and wait for Martians I don't fucking get it I'm just happy to be the fuck out of there I miss my friends I miss California I miss the weather I miss the beaches I miss everything about it

but it was time to move on. And we're here. I miss the church. I miss Lee. But it's Uncle Joey's joined now. And now we move forward and we're going into 2021. And I'm just here to tell you one thing, guys. I love you, motherfuckers.

Whether you're on Patreon or not, whether you just support the podcast, whether you listen to it on Apple, whether you're watching on fucking iTunes or YouTube, whatever the fuck I'm saying. Thank you very much for supporting me. I'm here for you guys. We crack a few jokes.

We talk about a few fucking subjects, and we move the fuck on. I'm not here to waste your time. I'm just here to keep you above water during these difficult fucking times. If you get a giggle, if you can learn one thing, fuck it. If not, tell me, Uncle Joey, go fuck yourself and move on to a different podcast. But if you watch this today, I'm fucking happy. I'm going to keep doing this podcast. Even with the knee surgery, I'm going to be here Christmas week when you need me the most,

because that's when people really get down. And there's nothing to be down about, guys. You're alive, you're kicking, you're not in a fucking hospital. And even if you are, you're not fucking dead. You got everything you need. There's people out there that are missing limbs. There's people out there that aren't eating. There's people out there that are really having a hard time.

If you're there sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, fuck that. Uncle Joey's here. Never fear. You got the world by the balls, and the world don't owe you nothing. It's time for you to get up and get out. 21 is here. 2020 was a wash for everybody, not just you. Everybody went down to fucking toilet.

So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Grab that fucking joint. Go grab your wife, eat her asshole, and have a fucking great week. All right? I'm happy you tuned in today to Uncle Joey's joint. It is what it is in time when there's guests and all this shit. We'll pick it up. Even the fucking, it's even getting difficult to Zoom with a bitch these days.

COVID is coming through the fucking Zoom So we're here Every Monday and Wednesday If you want more of Uncle Joey Go to Patreon 3-5 $10 if you want merch It's 15 Hopefully we get the shirts out to you

By Christmas I'm working really hard And besides that, that's it and that's that I show up on Monday and Wednesday With nothing but love in my heart And fucking nut juice in my nut sack ready to give it to all to you if you wanted, you know what I'm saying? And if you don't want it, just go fucking switch the channel. I want to thank you guys.

I want to thank you all the guys that are on Patreon. I want to thank you guys that buy tickets. I'm sorry if we couldn't come to your town this year. All these tours got canceled. I'm fucking sorry. But guess what? I'm getting my knees, motherfucker. And I'm going to be fucking strong and better than I ever was.

And I'm going to tour until I have a few. fat little fucking heart attack on stage. I don't give a fuck. So sit down, relax. This will soon pass. Uncle Joey's got you. Try to make the best of what you got. I love you, motherfuckers.

And I'll see you on Monday morning tip-top Magoo. Or I'll see you on Patreon. Now for a word from our sponsors. All right, I want to thank all you motherfuckers for listening, for supporting, for the love, for everything you get. give for me. You know, I love you guys with all my motherfucking heart, whether you're here, whether you're on, hey, it don't matter to me. I know things are rough. But before we go,

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