The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 02/04/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #52

Episode Date: February 5, 2013

Joey's Muy Thai coach calls in to talk about an upcoming event and Joey's wife Terrie calls in to talk about their first month with their daughter Mercy. This Podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount. Also go to Berries.com, click on the microphone and type HAPPENING to get a discount. Streamed live on 2/4/13.

The world is a vampire. You're doing it. Oh, shit. It's that motherfucking day. Pack that lead. Back that to smash him. Come on. Fuck it Monday.

February 4th, 2013. Guess what? It's your lucky motherfucking day. Why are you lowering that leap? Don't make me punch in the stomach real hard. Don't let me punch in the stomach real hard. Come on, baby. It's tremendous.

It's a beautiful. It's a beautiful day to be alive. You understand? man, you're alive. That's all that matters. A lot of people talking shit over the weekend. You don't think me and Lee know. Joey's dead. Fucking stick him went down.

How about a minute of silence to stick them? Fuck them. We got to do what we got to do. You know what I'm saying? Just a slight bump in the motherfucking road. We're with you stream now? What are you going to do? Everybody's with you stream.

I guess I'm with them. They're with us. And where with you? We're here on a Monday morning. The church of what's happening now, Joey Cocoa, is the always beautiful. With the Fidel Castro fucking beard, my little brother, Mr. Lee, boom, boom, Syed. How was the weekend, Lee?

It was great. It started working out, which sucks, but it's going good. Lee, listen, the more you go, the easier it gets. Yeah. So the first 30 days, the more you go, the easier it gets. I look at everything like, A.A., when you get out of a rehab, the first thing they say to it to really work, you got to go to 90 meetings and 90 days. Nobody wants you to go to gym every fucking day.

Your joints are going to hurt, but did I give you the strong bone yet? No, no, yeah. Okay, your joints are going to hurt and whatnot. You know, do they have a pool? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'll tell you what, the pools are important when you're a little overweight.

Pools are really important because I don't want you to go in there and fucking swim. You're not Mark Spitz. You're not some Cuban fucking eluding the revolution. What you do is you're running them. Okay. And just that pool, 30 minutes. Bro, and you're like, Joey, 30 minutes. I can do that backwards in a pool.

Bitch. bitch that shit is fucking cold in there you gotta cut through that water like fucking butter it gets tough but you know what man I wish you luck and whatever you do I'm happy that you're doing this Lee listen man you know I worked out all the way up to like I was 26 to 27 and then I got into

fucking comedy and I got into coke heavier and I even in bold I would still work out and still swim and still throw up weights but those last 10 years in LA when I went up to 415 that was it took me two years to get fucking into shape Just to go to the gym on four, five day a week. Like right now I'm going four to five days a week.

And I'll tell you what happened this weekend because I'm the first one to bitch about anything. I ran into a salesman this weekend. What do you mean? And I can't fucking believe I ran into a salesman and I'm so happy. Okay. As Americans, we always are looking for a sale or, you know, 55% off. But we eliminate the one thing that's the most important of why you have a business is customer service. You know, listen on Sundays, I answer emails from Joey.

cook or diaz.net. That's what I fucking do on Sundays. You can say to me, Joey, you don't need to answer them, answer selective or no. If you take the time to email me, I email you back. Why? Because that's my fucking belief in customer service. If you have something for $10 and I have something for $10,

what's going to be that you run into my store and me giving it to you? Or me taking the time to talk to you and taking your email down and sending you other important information or even taking two minutes out of my busy day to answer a fucking question. That's customer service. I'm very big on that. This country has forgotten customer service. This week you might want to get vitamins or something. You might walk

into some vitamin store, and there's three teenagers behind the counter. Now, one of them will come over and say, good morning, sir. If you just need help, let me know. They're not even trying to be pushy. It did happen with the furniture at this part. Okay, you're in there with money in your fucking pocket, dying to burn a hole in their fucking pocket, and they don't come up to you. As the salesman go up to these people

and say, look, I'm not here to bother you. My name is Lee, and I'm just here to answer any questions you might have about the fucking blow torch you want to buy, or the chick's fucking velvet, you know, underwear you want to buy. So I land in Columbus, by the way, great fucking city. I've always loved Columbus. Big Ups, the Red Band.

I love Columbus. I love Columbus. I like Ohio. I've always been a big Ohio fan because I notice the people fucking big big big gambling. They're real and they're gamblers. That's a big gambling state. Ohio and Mississippi. When I work for the Sports Betting Service, they're fucking huge. Those motherfuckers

gamble. And, I mean, there's nothing to do. I mean, Akron, that's what suicide was invented. You know what I invented? That's what I invented suicide in fucking Akron. So, and I'm not nothing bad. Youngstown, it's always fucking cloudy in Youngstown. Forget it's always sunny in Philadelphia. It's always fucking cloudy in Youngstown, Jack.

So, uh, anyway, I get to Columbus. I got four shows at the Funny Bone. Great Club, Mimi. I love the staff. Everybody was great. The audiences Saturday early, they were a little fucking Christiany, but it happens. They're white people and I love you. It's not your fault, you waspy little bastards.

Anyway, uh, I, I get to Columbus and I'm like, you know what? I really want to start running. again that Dolce running program that he has a little running program that you might like okay it's the two minutes on 30 seconds of running dog at first it sounds torturous but it's really easy and after you do

it like four or five times you know your knees are going to hurt you get go get yourself so this what I was thinking to myself I have a pair not new balances I have a pair like Nike running sneakers but I bought them in like 2000 they're all crooked and flat you know I use them to to walk and I use them sometimes to go to like karate or something

I would use them to and uh So I get to Columbus and there's a new balance store And I go perfect I go to the new balance store, get some sneakers They have a treadmill at the hotel I'll give me a couple days to break them in And I'm gonna start the Doce running thing again Thursday I get there Friday I wake up

And I go over and I run into some guy from Yonkers His name is Robb Right great guy, he sits me down He does the foot test Right I do the fucking foot test With the piece of paper I'm both feet He tells me when my foot is running heavy

He explains all the different sneakers to me He brought out four fucking pair of sneakers To show me what worked for my fucking sneakers What would work for my feet What would help me with my weight He did the times table I mean Lee a pair of sneakers This guy spent 45 minutes with me

Okay, he didn't sell me the cushions This is for all the salesmen out there He didn't sell me the cushions He took them out of the thing and he put them in there Okay, and he put my shoe My foot in the shoe with the cushion. Then he took the cushion out,

and he goes, walk like that. Guy spent time with me. The whole time, the Jew and me, wanted to ask him how much, but he was doing such a good job. This is what I complained about. He could have taken me for whatever the fuck I had. I get up to the counter.

He runs the soles. He runs the sneakers. 202. I give him the credit card like he asked me for 2000 because he was a salesman. And for once it made me proud that this guy took the fucking time.

Get ready for this. Ready? Motherfuckers? All of you is? How I talk shit? Saturday morning. What do I wake up to in my room? A fucking thank you card, gentlemen. No, he didn't. Yes, he did with his fucking cell phone number for having any problem with my feet running. I invited him to the show. I gave him two tickets to the show.

So it's not like he was a fan of the podcast or he was the fan of the Rogan podcast. He didn't know me from shit in Shangola. He related to me because I was from Jersey and he was from Yankas, and that's the worst fucking track in the country. How did he know you were at the hotel? You told him you were at the hotel? I was at the hotel and I just went

There's a mall. This is the Eastern Mall. Okay. Okay? And they have you know, Fogo de Chow, Brazil. They have the Cheesecake factory. They have all these different things. So I just happened to be a new balance store and I walked in there. This guy didn't know me. This guy don't listen to the podcast. He didn't

come over and ask me for anything. He looked at me like I was some regular fucking Schmo. There it is. A thank you card with his fucking cell phone. So if you're in the eastern area, anywhere in the Columbus area and you want a real salesman, somebody who gives a fuck about you, go see my man, Rob, because this is what it, this is

what it all comes down to. You know how much I've complained about that 202? Not a dim. He was worth every fucking penny. And that's what happens when you sell. If you give somebody quality all the way around, you're not going to have any problems. You know, all week long, I fuck around with people on Twitter. I fuck around

with people on Facebook. You know, I don't want to charge, nothing. They support us because of what we do. So this is customer service bound. You know what I don't even know. Lee, what the fuck? What happened with the Super Bowl? Yes, like, I'm actually stuck to the first part, but it was a good game. I had trouble rooting for it just because both teams had beat us. But it's part of me the reason why I think it might be rigged, because it's usually the person with the story that wins.

And I'm not saying that it's rigged this year. I think maybe when the Patriots won, it could have been rigged. They were getting points. Were the Patriots? The Ravens? Let me look. They were given for or getting four? But no, it was a great game.

The lights won. out of the shit. You know, I didn't watch the hat. I fell asleep too. I fucking went. I woke up for the last, uh, the third quarter and all of the fourth quarter I watched. And it was a great game. And I'm happy for Ray Lewis.

I'm happy for Joe Flackleckle. I was in the stage in Baltimore. And I said it. A bunch of people hit me up on Twitter last night. I told him Baltimore was going to win because I had watched the week before. I had gone to Baltimore, which was like October or something. I had watched them play the week before. And I'm like, they're fucking good.

Yeah. They're really good. Baltimore was getting four and a half. So if you had Baltimore in the over, you're getting your dick sucked right now. You know what I'm saying? Stop it. Lee, a little I want to be around. It's Monday.

And this people. Monday morning, get up. Get up. The government ain't going to give you a dick but cheese and a fucking finger. Get up, cock suckers. You motherfuckers want to do. Hit it. I want to be around.

Cheese in a finger? Why are you interrupting Tony? When somebody breaks your stomach. Your heart. Some. You know, emotional. Monday morning cock's up and wash your pussy wash your dick get out there somebody's got an ass wide open waiting for you to stick that cock in it

wide open somebody's bent over right now with Vaseline K-Y jelly and fucking what else they put their ass on these people who knows I don't what else tin foil tin foil whatever you used to do with me this is an awful image that Misery. Loves company. Oh shit. This is where my mother used to play

Every fucking day at the bar. Get up, motherfuckers. You only get one shot at this. You only get one shot at this fucking life. Why fuck around? Get up, wash that muffler. Get out there. It's true.

Somebody right now is waiting with their asshole wide open to stick your dick in there. And you're laying on your couch playing fucking Nintendo or Mario Brothers or Game of Death or whatever the fuck you people play. Get up.

Get up and get out there. Go fuck somebody in the ass. Go take them for $20. Something. Do something with yourselves. Go shoot some. I don't give a fuck what you do, but get up. There's a lot better things than sitting there, whining, bad-mouthed in your fucking country, you cock-suckers.

Don't get me off. So you like the Super Bowl? Did you eat? Did you make little pizzas and shit like that? I didn't. Did you order that Papa Johns and shit blood for two fucking days? No. Wait to all you American shit blood.

You fucking pick the talk. Who gives a fuck? Heads or tails. Wait till you eat that shit. Did they give you good products? They gave you a radioactive shit from Japan. That mozzarella cheese, they put on them fucking Papa. John pizzas were made in Japan.

These motherfuckers don't know. I order from there's a local place nearby that I like. I don't, that's one thing. Pizza, I don't do the chains that much if I can. I don't like it either. The corporations have taken over fucking pizza. You know what it costs to make a pizza, brother? Five bucks?

Not even. Not even. It's a ball of dough, fucking tomato, which you could steal off a Puerto Rican's tree, and fucking cheese and oregano. And that's it. And salt and whatever else, papucia juice, whatever they put in there.

It costs like a fucking dollar to make a pizza, not even. Like 75 cents. You've ever watched 29th Street with Danny Aiello? No. And not Joe Montegler, a great movie. I was going to preview 29th Street today on here, but there's no good clips on it from YouTube. It's a movie with Danny Ayiello and Anthony Lompaglia,

who I did a movie with, I did analyze that with, and I get shot in the beginning, but it shot for 12 hours. Just that little scene, we were sitting together for 12 hours, and I asked them everything backwards to front words, about 29th Street. some of my all-time favorite movies. It's got Vinnie Curdo in it.

Remember he did the podcast? Yeah, of course. It's got Anthony Lompiglia. It's got Pauley from the Sopranos. It's got a thousand fucking faces, but it's just a really, really movie about Danny Hale and his sons. And I know the guy who wrote it, the guy who wrote it, sold it. So it's pretty nice fucking movies.

So if you get a chance. What's up? Speaking of that, I saw a sever-lining playbook over the... What did you think, though? It's one of those ones. There's always a movie every year, like one of those independent ones that people love and it ends up being shit.

But I went and saw it and it was it was probably one of the better movies I've seen this year. Fucking Jennifer Lawrence is great. Something about it. He's some of that people like, oh, it was gay Joey to dance and the thing. Let me tell you something, man. It took my mind away for a little while.

I went to see what's the movie with Johnny Depp this year, you know, the one of Dark Shadows. Fucking great first hour. And all these movies go in the fucking dungeon. That's what I think. All of them. You sit there and at the last hour they just ruin them. Even what's the game with Jennifer?

What was the movie Jennifer Lawrence before? Hunger Games. Hunger Games was great. It was the last 20 minutes that killed me a hunger game. And this ending wasn't, I mean, I would have expected them to be together, but that little twist at the end, which I don't want to ruin for people. It was good. It wasn't one of the ones that you could always guess.

And it made me happy. I'm younger, but it must have made you happy, seeing Robert De Niro back in a decent movie. Jesus Christ, guys. Jesus fucking Christ. You know, just to, listen, man, you don't know how strong cinema is to you from somewhere else. You don't know the power and the strength of cinema to you from somewhere else. You don't know, you know, for some people at sports, you know, I sit here before and I hear you say, we lost or whatever. What fucking we?

When was the last time you were the fucking football field, cucks? What we? But I understand. I understand what it means because for me, it was movies late. For me, it was walking to the Union City fucking cinema on a Friday when I got back from that Catholic school

right through the nun out the fucking window I would get back Fridays at 1 and I couldn't wait for the... I would walk to the movies and sit in there and watch these movies and it was like my fucking getaway

from my family from the bar and you know was somebody going to shoot my mother at the fucking bar tomorrow is my stepfather going to stab some guy in the neighborhood I mean every day in my fucking house

at that age it was like I was scared to go home because there was always drama in my house So the movies took me away for a little while. You know, the first time I saw fucking Mean Streets. Yesterday, I don't know if anybody caught History Channel, they broke down the Godfather. No, they didn't.

Oh, my God. When I got home yesterday from Columbus, I was sitting there with the baby and my wife and were talking shit, and they did this three hours of the Godfather legacy and what each movie meant. And the underlying thing, and how when Godfather 3 was his redemption, he was trying to buy his soul back.

And how when Godfather 2, one of the greatest movies ever fucking made by the way, God. One of the only sequels that's better than the first one. You know, the Cuba thing, the whole... He shoots his brother.

Mm-hmm. He shoots his brother. I know you and your brother aren't fucking, you know, aren't the best of friends. You know what I'm saying? But I couldn't shoot him, but you couldn't shoot him.

He gave an order to shoot his brother. That's a strong... You know, and they were saying that he became everything his father wanted him not to become. He became too ruthless, blah, blah, blah, blah.

What are we talking about? Oh, movies. So, you know what, man? When I fucking first saw, I mean, I saw De Niro Act his ass off in some things. I do not like what society out here turns acting into. They turn it into something bigger than brain surgery. Yeah.

But you give more prestige to Daniel Day Lewis than when you do the doctor that would save a little kid with brain cancer or whatever. I don't know the brain terminologies. I'm no fucking doctor. You understand where I'm going with this. That's the part I don't like I think that a lot of, you know, it's like, oh my God,

he did such a great job acting. Well, you don't know. You don't fucking know this guy. So you don't fucking know what he's like in real life. Everybody has one movie that was written for them. Everybody has a movie that the character, they really could go in there and just be themselves. Yeah, I don't think Robert DeNoneau did much acting in this.

I mean, he might have been a little bit more intense, maybe, with the sports. But the person who I didn't recognize, but I thought was great was the mother. Was she a big actor? No, but I always thought she was Sally Strudder. or somebody corrected me. It wasn't Sally Struthers. It's somebody, I forget what her name is. It was great movie all around.

And it gives guys like me hope. That's the type of movies I like, guys. I don't want to see no 3D shit unless you're blowing somebody's fucking head off their shoulders. You know what? There's a lot of movies that I watch the commercial for, and I'm like, that looks interesting. But I know how a film is put together.

I know how movies put together. I know how commercial film is put together. It's get two names. throw it against the wall, some fucking idiot will buy into it. How many movies do you see? Come on, you see right through the movie. You know it's a disaster. The best two scenes of the movie are in the trailer. It don't

take a genius to know that. And on Monday you go take a look and it made $40 million. This is a sucker. Like I said, there's somebody with their bent over right now, with their asshole, wide open with grease on it. There's an ass for every fucking seat. You know what I'm saying? That's what's a beautiful thing about being in this country

that, you know, you have the choices to make that. Not everybody has to like I told somebody how much I enjoyed it. Somebody dear to me. And they were telling me how no, they couldn't believe I liked it. But then I seen where it was coming from, the wife or whatever, didn't like it. So, sure, they're not going to fucking like it. What do you think about Chris Tucker?

Because he hasn't been in anything in a while. Tremendous. He was really good. Yeah, in the Super Bowl, I don't know if you saw this, but they're remaking Fast and the Furious again. And someone was talking to me about it. And the thing is, I mean, I'm never going to go see it. But $100 million where the people are going to go see it.

So, you just got to... We're living in a society that believes that that fucking Hawaiian football player is telling the truth. We live in a society right now that people actually feel sorry for that guy. Like, a guy like me doesn't even need to know the story. I just heard a couple of the key words, and I knew that this is a bullshit story. You think that's a fake?

Because I've been here. I've been there. I'm a bullshit. Before anything, I'm a fucking bullshit artist. So I see I smell it Fucking coming at you So if you're an American right now And you're going

I feel so bad for that boy You're a fucking mother You're one of those people bent over That might as well grease your fucking asshole Because then you'll buy anything You'll go see Fast and the Furious Five For the 80th fucking time You know every year the record labels

Put a compilation album out Of some death dead performer That they find these tapes Let me tell you something Right now If we edit it the podcast Correct which we don't We put the podcast up fresh

but if we edited it to podcast and you put it in that computer 20 years from now, some kid found to edit the pieces he's going to release that to someone let's pretend we get big he's going to release it to somebody and somebody's going to put it out

and charge money for them people are going to go what the fuck god awful shit is this that's why they're put away in a fucking vault you fucking morons not because somebody wants you to hear it so for you people who buy all that shit

that was in a vault and we found it go fuck yourself you're a fucking moron this is what I'm talking about people you gotta think before you buy this shit all these laws They were two geniuses. Do you think they wanted to release shit? And you people at home, oh, this is great. You just spent 80 fucking dollars on a two album disc of some bad music the Beatles put together while they were on heroin one fucking morning. Get it together, you dummies. Fucking asser soup. And then the guy went on Dr. Phil. Do the voice. Let me tell you something. If I called you with a woman's voice, would you believe me, Lee? Right then and there. That's the end of this story. But you fucking morons in America now believe this shit, which just, it just, it just, it just. These are the same people who go see Fast and the Furious 18.

Lee, what the fuck? What do you get me all fired up for in the morning? Let's give some shoutouts to some bad motherfuckers. Brian Gibson, my man, fucking the church of Dead Squad, Connecticut. Black Ninja. How about Nick Sibble? David Pratt, Justin, from Columbus, Black Justin. We got high after the fucking bad show.

Good fucking young kid, 22. Wash his cars and Enterprise. He's got a record label. So for all you motherfuckers, that think that you can't do this shit. There's people out there that are starting record labels on albums, and he ain't making any money yet, but he's got a dream. And that's what the church of what's happening now is about,

you filthy motherfuckers, about having a dream. Get up with your bad self. Who else? I got Oz from Detroit. I got Rob from Brooklyn, you bad motherfucker. David, Zalea, and Peter, but not. That's how we run for it. Let me tell you something, Lee, remind me,

and I'll run some stuff over to you later. Okay. I have maybe two strong bones left. They just sent me some more immune shroom tech. Okay. I'll hit you up with some new mood and get you some protein powder. And this week, just go over down there

and try to walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes of daily. Don't fucking kill yourself. But I guarantee, if you take the strong bone with it, you won't hurt as much. Yeah, I haven't... This Diet Coke got more fucking... And I did a protein... I did a protein shake this morning,

so farts are on their way. You know what I'm saying? It's like FedEx. I got one coming for you. One of those wave. farts mixed with the hemp fart. Oh, what's coming out? You're going to be tearing. You're going to be like that dude that they shot

his fucking house last week in L.A. with tear gas and he popped his head out the window and he was breathing and they showed him fucking fanning his face. That's you today. You'll be popping your head out that fucking window, you're cock sucker. It's always on the way with you. It's just, you've like the express delivery when you have the protein.

I can't believe how much my ear hurts. I think I got an ear infection. How did you get that? I got that cold last week and it went into my ear, I think, and then the flight Friday on stage I couldn't hear shit so my timing is off on stage I can't hear you know if you want to do comedy

you got to hear the audience I got to hear deep in the patois of the audience you follow me what else we got on tap here today this Nick Sible kid is starting a new podcast called Shark Tank Sports Podcasts he's a good fucking kid look out for it but do me a favor today

lightly if you're going to start doing a workout program how come my glasses on You don't tell me this shit. I look like some fucking nerd in heat. I look like a fucking... I look like a soprano reading a fucking book. Anyway.

Go to Onet.com. Read about the different products. I could just tell you about them. I don't know what the fuck's in them. I don't make this stuff. I'm no pharmacologist. It's like people always say to me, what's in the banana bread?

I don't know. I just eat the shit. You all right? Don't ask questions. Mind your business. Just shut your mouth and fucking take it. Right, Lee? Does the banana bread ever give you fucking diarrhea?

Has it ever gotten you're sick? No. That's it. It's just going to get your stone. You're going to be fucked up. You might drool a little bit. But go to On it. Read the information on the products on point you at.

Whether it's strong bone, the hemp protein, whether you're starting an exercise program or not, give on it a try. Even that hemp protein, you know what, man, there's nothing like starting a program and there's a bump in the road. Like you bought protein pot and it tastes shitty and you spent 40 or whatever on it.

One thing about the hemp chocolate, it's the best tasting chocolate you ever taste. You'll run, home. You know how many of those protein things I went through? I must have gained like fucking six pounds drinking those, because I was drinking them in between eating meals. So it's just protein but the chocolate's delicious. Please.

Go to Onet.com, read the problems. They have package programs which you could get like the strong bone with the hemp protein and the fucking immune. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about here. Go get the sports stuff. Give you a little bit more endurance during your workout. You know, instead of shitting out after

35 minutes, maybe let you go 45 minutes Lee. I'm proud of you, Lee. Thanks. You're a good man. And I talked to somebody, and I wanted to know if you've ever done it, somebody who just did it, they did a, and it's kind of like what Burke Chrysler did. His plan was like $800.

Right. But they did like a cleanse, like a juice cleanse. And they said it's really good and it helps with the cravings and stuff. Have you done one of those? No, because, you know what? When I travel on the water, who's going to make me the fucking juice cleanses? Okay, that's true. I want to do something that I could do every fucking day anywhere that you go.

You know, these people that go on these protein things for 30 days, I've got to bring a blender with them. Good luck. Good luck. I'm gonna fucking shake up a blender when everybody else is having a chicken salad sandwich with potato chips.

Get your shit together. Just control yourself. Learn how to push yourself away from the table. I like the cleanses and stuff and they're fucking tremendous. I just didn't have the patois for it. I could drink a ton of water.

Me and my wife, man, we get those gallons of water now. We're putting away, two people putting away one a week because we freeze the water and we drink it cold with little ice slabs in it. There's nothing better than that shit. There's nothing better than water

at the end of the day. I like to drink. A lot of juices and make juices of thousands. But I'm one of those nerds. I like those machines. I like all those type of nerdy machines to make juices and stuff. But they're all $300 and they take up fucking all the space. I'm not going to do it every day, you know?

Yeah. I do it every day. I love to tell you I am. I love to lie to you and tell you I'm going to drink kale and shit. I'm not going to do it. I don't even like that stuff. I like juices. I like fresh juices, but you always got to add some sugar or something somewhere along the line.

So fuck it. Yeah, there's a great documentary called it's a fat, sick, and nearly dead. and he was driving cross-country with the blender which is tough but he lost a ton of weight so I was thinking about trying to do it and if anyone's done it let me know email me with the info and what's up to put in there because like I said I just don't have the patience for it

I just want to learn how to eat correctly instead of eating two sandwiches you learn how to eat a half a sandwich with a bowl of salad and drink water instead of a fucking diet coke or a Coke you know that's what I wanted to do so and then I know I just wanted to tell you, we can skip over this later.

But on Saturday, when you were Ston Columbus, I went and saw your wife for something, and Mercy is the cutest little girl. It really blew my mind, because it's getting to the point where I have a bunch of friends who have kids, and just seeing her and hearing stories about her and you, it was crazy to see,

because I know you were worried about it, and now it looks great. Listen, man, you know, I'm like everybody else. I'm a little fucking pussy. I worry about everything. You know, I just don't show it. and I don't let it take over me because I know what worrying does to people, especially men.

It kills us. It kills us. And there's a lot of men out there. A lot of guys and girls, daughters, we've seen our fathers. We've seen our uncles who worry about a mortgage or whatever. It just eats away at you. So I worry about things, but I don't let them affect me. You know, because when I was 21, I had an ulcer.

It was the best thing that happened because it taught me how not to worry like that anymore. When I was a young kid, I was worried about my life and my future and what I was going to do. And I was always reading a fucking paper for jobs to see what I want to do when I went to college. And I ended up shit in fucking blood. And the doctor said, he goes, you got nothing to worry about you. You're a man that scares you. The worst thing a man could do is think. It always fucks you up.

This is the worst thing ever, Lee. It feels like the water's in my ear, and it wants to come out. I hope my wife calls today. She's supposed to call the podcast and tell it. Because the baby's going to be a month now. The baby's going to be a month on Friday. Do you believe that? It's crazy.

is a I mean when you when you told me about it we were driving I was driving to record the CD I think or something like that no we're doing the seat it was like in April oh no yeah it wasn't a so yeah but it was to somewhere but you said it and you were you were nervous because you're you're a guy who

you have a system which you talk about all the time you have a system of things you like to do and you weren't planning for this and it scared you but just the even without seeing you with or there like there's no possible way like you could have She's just so small and so cute

And just Oh it's It's uh Like the cat It was funny though The cats were I could tell that They weren't pissed off

But like They were they were They were needing They needed attention a little bit Like they were just like What's what's going on This new presence here I'm not the king anymore

Like Fidel was Was meowing a little bit more than normal Well Fidel is morning Fennie Oh you think so Oh I know so Fidell and Fini were the originals You know Fiddle Fiddle was the first cat

ever to come in. And he was a kitten. So Finney used to grab him by the neck and drag him around. Until today, until Finney died, Fidel would let Fannie fuck him up. You saw it. You saw me to a shoe at him one day.

He choked him in the fucking neck. He would choke him and shit. And Fidel is 20 pounds. He had 20 pounds on Finney and would let him do these things to him. So I noticed that he's been a little lost lately. Okay. I didn't even bring it up on him and over already.

No, no, no, no. In fact, I got to email you a picture I found in my phone of my wife. pregnant, three or four months pregnant, with Finney on it. So we've got to figure out how to download it, get the picture, frame it, and give it to her for Valentine's Day. Oh, of course, yeah.

She's really been mourning that cat. I showed her the picture yesterday she died. You know, my wife is still not gotten over that cat. I feel so bad for her. But I could just, it was her fucking baby, you know? And the cats, I think the only cats have noticed that Finney's been gone is Fidel and Sissy.

Because they were the original three. The others are like, fuck, there's one less motherfucking duty, tuna or ham but it was really interesting. Where's the music? You said you had some music for me today? All right. Let's fire these motherfuckers up here. Oh shit.

A little VH. I gotta get you motherfuckers out there ready, prepare, get your helmets on. You're going to war today. It's Monday, February 4th. The groundhog to suck your dick. Whether he comes out of night, you still gotta go to work, guy, fecker.

You still got to go to school. and take your classes and salute the flag like a fucking soldier. Whether you're Armenian, black and white, salute that motherfucker. Hit it, Lee. Lee, the sound. What's going on here? I don't know. It's a fucking... It's the album version. Lee, you've got to figure out this fucking thing. People won't get to full music.

Oh shit. Oh, shit. Lee, you stoned enough and smoke some people? I'm stoned enough. No, you're not, Lee. I can tell you're not. Your eyes aren't all beatings. You know, shit. Look at you.

Lee, when's the next Jewish holiday? It's like, what's the next? Presidents' Day next Monday. When's the next Jew fucking holiday? Maybe Passover in April? Passover. I got to wait two fucking months to hang with Jews. There might be a smaller one in there, but that's a big one.

You guys got to get it together. Passover's the worst. Jews are really good cooking, but you can't really fuck with Passover. There's never really going to be a good meal. What do you guys eat for Passover? Like chicken, muttival soup, and it's just, just like the restrictions because you eat kosher.

It's, I don't know. That's the one holiday where they don't eat good food. This reef is tremendous, a little fucking divine wellness coming through for me with church. That's what we're smoking for that. Oh, shit.

Church, OG. It's the top fucking weed they got over the second. Indica with a little bit of Sateva coming at you like a left hook. Would you watch the UFC? I didn't, I didn't watch the UFC. There's no talking about Lee.

You're slipping. You're supposed to. I'm not going to pay 60 bucks for it. It's not 60. You got more money than God, cucksucker. You're making good money. You got a chick on the couch. I know you're charging a rent because you're a dirty cucksucker.

No, I'm not. She's your friend. I've seen you looking at the underwear. You've been sniffing on these lately, your filthy pig. No, I don't sniff anyone's underwear. You've sniffed bras. Tell me that you. No.

You sniff people's underwear? Oh. That's a party. You never sniff her chick's underwear in between the asshole and the fucking monkey and bang one out. and then you come on the other way, and you rub it in like this, so they think it's that.

That's he got to do the young freaks. We're going to have to take a break because my brain just exploded. Lee, what do you mean you're breathing? You never sniff? We got a call coming in. Oh, shit. Thank God.

Good morning. Good morning, Mr. Diaz. What's happening, Coach? How are you? You know, me over here waiting on you, like patients on a monument. How are you today? I mean, my pajamas,

still looking sexy. Oh, that's right. Coach Dave Huey on the phone. here, one of the principal trainers over at Muay Thai America on Magnolia. What's going on today? Coach, what's happening? Well, it's a beautiful day. It's an exciting weekend month for Muay Thai.

We got a show coming up, five days away called the ISS, the International Fight Showdown. It's kind of like the Kuna Thais of fighting sports. They do an event called the Pro One. First round, boxing, second round, Muay, third round, MMA. It's an exciting show. come up in five days at the Industry Hills Expo Center. And this is where?

City of industry. It's only about 20 minutes away from downtown L.A., and it's on a Sunday, and it's February 10th at 2 p.m. And it's an exciting thing. It's an outdoor event at the Equestrian Center. And they do have multi-fights, too. We have the M&A fights, too. It's Pro 1 and his M1 concept.

And they really kind of proves who is the ultimate fighter if you start out boxing. The only box in the first round, we fight with eight-ounce MMA gloves. Round two, they add the kicks, elbows, and knees, and then the third and final round, you can get taken to the ground. So the exciting thing is that. On the first round, you can see some exciting boxing, and maybe the guy in the red corner is winning. And then when kicks and knees come in the game, then the blue is winning. And then when he goes to the ground, everything changes.

So it's a very, very exciting sport. Coach, you have some fighters just fighting this weekend also, correct? Yeah, Eddie Alvarado, he'll be fighting five rounds for the ISS, Welk-Aweight Keito. That's at 147, and that'll be a very, very exciting fight. And I have a girl named Courtney Anaya. She'll be on the female military fight, a three-round fight, and they've been training very, very hard.

You know, Coach, ever since I moved to the Valley three years ago, I heard about you. I heard about the school and what you guys were doing over there, and I went over last December, and you were very nice to me and I was telling you I had to have knee surgery and I always remembered how nice you were and I had the knee surgery

and I started studying over there with you and Crusante and I got to tell you I've done a lot of different martial art things in my life this is one of the best programs I've ever enrolled in sir I'm really trying to a national sport of Thailand the sport of kings you know in Thailand there are no casinos

there's no of Vegas there's no you know, places you can gamble. The only thing you can gamble on is Muay Thai fights. And because of that, everybody fights Muay. And a lot of kids, you know, from the countryside that are poor, they fight the way out of poverty. And they fight from the countryside all the way to Bangkok. And you can fight in Bangkok consistently.

That means you're a top-notch fighter because there are odds against you. And there are odds for you. There's odd makers, you know, they can fight, you know, how much is the fight going to pay? what the payout race is. And so you have to be a bankable fighter. So it's almost like being the top fighter. I mean, you know, fighting your way to Madison's Garden

or being the top racehorse in the Kentucky Derby. People are putting money on you. If you put a lot of money. What did you say, Coach? People put on the fighting sport in Thailand, and they bet a lot of money. So you have to be a bankable fighter to be fighting in Bangkok, Thailand. You know, that's that national sport is gambling, to be honest with you.

That's right. The national sport, the sport of teams, they call it. Wow. And how long have you been involved in a coach? I've been involved in Muay Thai for about 12 years now, and I train with the Halepad and Crusati back at the Muay Academy. And after 10 years, Crusanti and I decided to open up our own gym. So we're located in North Hollywood.

and a couple blocks west of Kowanga on Magnolia. And we have a nice gym. We have a great team of fighters. And, you know, people ask me about, you know, how to build champions in Muay Thai. And I always come up and tell them, you know, I'm not really building champions. I'm building character. I'm taking people and pushing them to places they've never been before. I've been, you know, I challenged them and I put them in a way where they grow personally.

And then the champion comes out of them. So, and because of that, you know, a lot of people have come in, they quit smoking, with lost weight, they, you know, they become better at school. They've become better people. I mean, my most popular class, Joe, is at 6 p.m. That's because everybody gets off of work. And I get a lot of people who come off of work very stressed and very angry. because of their job.

And after an hour, hour and a half of training, they leave a very peaceful man. I know one thing that I was, like I said, I was involved in different things from goju karate to fujao pie kung fu. And I'll tell you, I walked into your class. I quit smoking. You know, I was smoking cigarettes at night

when I went to do stand-up. And after the first class with you, I was like, that's it. I know it's not going to work out for me. And I keep going back. My goal is to go see you three times a week. You know, I'm 50. My wife asked me what I want to do for my birthday next Tuesday

I'm going to be 50 on the 19th And I said I definitely want to go to the 8 o'clock class That's my main thing Is she's like, are you serious? I go, yeah, because I want to prove to myself That I'm 50 and I can still do this And that's one thing that at first I was scared To walk into your gym coach

But you could be any age And go in there and get a great workout And I've almost died in there a couple times You know that You've seen the last breath coming out of me But you've been there You look at my eyes and everything's great, and I just really enjoy it. You know, you go to most classes.

Let's say you go to a Taekwondo school. You stretch for 15 minutes. Then you do a form and you throw these little air punches for 30 minutes. And then you light spa with no contact and know anything, which at the end of the week you learn a few things, but you're really not learning what it's about. Everybody's scared at your place. From the minute you walk in there, that hour and a half is filled with you doing something.

Yeah. Not a form for a half hour. Who the hell wants to do a fucking four and for a half hour? I'm 50 fucking years old. I'm going to get swords and bows. What's that going to do for you on a stick at four in the morning in North Hollywood, you know? At least with what you teach me, I know that I can kick somebody three times and get in my car before the cops get there. That's the most important thing.

Plus, I'm getting healthy, sir. So I love what you guys do over there. Yeah. You know, Wittai is based on contact and resistance. So unlike, you know, karate or Taekindo or anything like that, we're always hitting something. We're hitting the bags. We're hitting the shields. We're hitting the focus mitts.

We're hitting the tie pads. And sometimes we're hitting each other. But because we're always striking at something, there's an emotional release that's behind that. And that contact and resistance, you know your power. You know how much force you have behind something. So it's also a confidence level that you build, too. And also in sparring, too, there's always, you know, the fight sport is so interactive. And so if I was to spar somebody like you, George, a big guy like you, you know, I would have to use a different strategy as if I was sparring somebody a lot smaller or a lot taller.

And because it's so interactive, you have to engage your mind. And because you engage your mind are at the moment when you train. And so your house could be burning, but you know what? I got to finish my class before I deal with the fire department. So we try that type of sport. No, and I love how you teach it over there. And you know what's great about where you're located and everything is that you have a couple classes a day for different people.

So I'm in there at 10 in the morning sometimes, and they might be a fighter in there. And not that I'm sparring with them, but I'm watching him, and I'm learning different techniques. Or like you said, the 6 o'clock class, on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Saturdays, you have a 2 o'clock class, which you teach personally. I like how you and crew have different

styles. You do the more technical stuff where crew wants you to walk out of there bleeding and puking, you know, from your lungs. I mean, and you know, we've spoken about elbows and knees and how you break it down. So I really take my hat off to you, coach, and, you know, you think I'm kissing your ass, but seriously, you guys are doing a great job, and I see the difference already in the three months that I've been there. Great. We really have a good time because we love the sport and that's the most important thing. When Crews Anthony I had opened this gym, we decided that we would always put

Muaykai over business and so and it's our duty to really you know, if there's, if the class ends there's any questions or something you don't understand, it's our job to not let you leave without or anything like that. So we really, we love this sport, we love what it does.

It's changed our lives, even as instructors and trainers and so we want to give back and you know, we're so excited about it. My best part of the class is sparring at the end when you put that song on. It sounds like snakes are going to come all over the place with the thing. It's tremendous. I love it.

It's my favorite jam. I wish somebody in Vegas would take and play it out of a club. People would lose their fucking minds, Coach. That's the real jam at the end. But, coach, I appreciate you took the time and called this and spoke about the fights. Tell these guys about the fights again and what time and where to get tickets. The fight the IFF is happening this Sunday at the City's Industry Club. The Industry Gold Expo Center, 20 minutes from downtown L.

They can buy tickets at I-S-S-P-R-O-I-S-P-R-O-I-S-P-P-R-D-S-P-P-R-N. And ticks are only 20-dust if you buy them ahead of time. Kids under 12 are free, and it's just a great event. You know, Super Bowl is over. You have a Sunday. You can come and watch the site at 2 o'clock with great time. And the show that's coming up, I just have to say, real quick, joke. It's March 2nd, multi-world standoff.

That's going to be an exciting show. That's going to feature the best of the best. That's the one. way at the Pomona Fairfights. And you can find out that one at pushkick promotions.com. That one's featuring some rock who is probably the most decorated fighter in Muay history. This guy is so badass.

I mean, there was no more time in the Olympics, so he became a boxing Olympics, a wand to gold medal in 1996. And he's a Muay champion, you know, 40 years old. He just did a fight, and I think there was a $180,000 fight bet on him. and he won that fight. He's coming to America to fight Chiquet Lindsay. They bring him the four tie champions from, you know, all over the world. That's happening March 2nd.

That's the Tremont of Fairfights. Again, that's push-kick promotions.com. That'll be an exciting show, and I hope to get on your show to talk about that one later on. Okay, no, we'll definitely do it, Coach. You were great. You were really great. I'd like for you to call back and talk about more history. Whatever you want to talk about.

You're a great dude, and I like seeing you. So hopefully I'll see you tonight for 8 o'clock, Coach. All right, brother. All right. Thank you for calling, Coach. Stay black. A lot of got. Bye.

Look up. There you go. Any age. Any fucking age. Guys, I was petrified. I didn't tell you, Dill either that. I never told you I was going to Muay Thai. No, I didn't talk about it.

Yeah, I don't even say nothing because I was petrified at first. I was going to get beat up. And I've been going in there. I go in there three times a week. You know how fucking hard it is on my feet and throwing sidekicks to Jesus and knees? I'm getting beat up by women and beat. up by fucking young kids. But, you know what, I've gained weight

because since I go there and when I leave there, my shirt drenched, excuse me, this fucking diet coat between that and a protein powder instead of farting on burping today. It's either comes out of the bottom or the fucking top. I like the top.

I got a burr. I got a little fart coming for you. The day ain't over yet. Don't start celebrate yet. Lee Cox's second. So, listen, guys. You're sitting there at home. I always get emails.

Thank you. Rogan talked me into Jiu-Jitsu. You guys inspired me to do this. Listen man, it costs you $90 a month. Even if you just get a part-time job somewhere to cover that, at least you get out of the house and throw some kicks with Jesus and you're not doing fucking drugs all the time

and blow and eating fucking pills. I met some people this week in Columbus. This is one guy that thanked me. He said that, listen to the podcast, really helped him get off the pills that he realized. And if you're on pills and shit like that, get the fuck off. I'd rather you smoke a pound of fucking weed at home than eat

those pills. Let me tell you something. The Coke was a pain he asked for me to get off of, but those pills were a nightmare, Lee. I told you, that's why. I had Valiums at the house, and vikins from the dentist and shit. I can't eat that shit. I ate one Vicodinan with Duncan, and we did a podcast. I thought I was in Mars. It was the worst feeling ever.

And like I said, being around Duncan, I want to Duncan to call today. You know, my thoughts and prayers go to Duncan. We're doing a show March 12th. And every Tuesday, once a month at the Laugh Factory, starting March 12th. February 12th. We don't know what to call it yet. supposed to be Desperato comedy podcast, comedy or some shit,

or the five balls of comedy, Ari wants to call it. Because it's me, Ari, and Duncan. I spoke to Duncan yesterday. He's out of chemo. He's done with the chemo. I know a lot of people listen to Cross, listen to a podcast. This is really, I learned a lot from Duncan going through this. You know, sometimes you have to look at the people that are going through different situations

and you learn from them. And what you get from them is courage. You know, I have two friends right now that are. I have a problem with cancer. I have Duncan, who had it, and just finished his chemo, and how he did it, how he attacked it. He didn't cry one time, you know. And I have this friend Jimmy, that the guy who took me out to Colorado,

who actually called a podcast, I spoke to him in the other day, and he's like, listen, this is the last set of pills or treatment. After this, if this don't work, oochus, moutches. I got like six fucking weeks left to die. When he said that to me in the phone, so I'm trying to get a date down the Jersey. shore somewhere, hopefully in the next two months to go see him and say goodbye. But this has taught me a lot about living that, you know, I was real pissed about Carlos, not calling last week, because

I want them to talk about, you know, like I said, the pain we had from those two kids dying when we were younger. And it's weird because I think about those two kids every day and I have pictures of them up close by where I could see him so I could do the things they didn't have a chance to do, you know? And I don't even know. I'm talking about. I'm so fucking high. You have any idea? Your friends are going through cancer. The ones that are going through cancer. So it's really weird when you have a friend that's going through cancer,

whenever you think you have a bad day, you think about them for a second. You know, like, what the fuck am I bitching about? Yeah. You know, what the fuck am I bitching about? I think I'm having, this guy's got to go to chemo. You know, he's already on an expiration date. You know, I can't imagine life with knowing I have an expiration date that I'm going to go. I mean, we all have an expiration date that we have no knowledge of and we don't know when it's going to come.

I might leave here right now and gets hit by a fucking missile. And we don't know right in the head. We don't know that. But somebody telling you you're going to die in six months must be a horrible way to live your life every day. Every time you close your eyes at night, you don't know if you're going to wake up. So it teaches me a lot of courage. If you know somebody who's going through something like that,

call them up to their time you love them, tell him there's an asshole out there where you get fucked. You know what I'm saying? Get out there, cock sucker. Get out there, you fucks. It's Monday, February 4th. Like I said before, the Groundhog, They can suck my dick.

You don't know nothing about nothing. When have you seen the groundhog at the supermarket buying groceries? Fuck that punk ass bitch, Lee. Let's smoke some pot. Let's eat some edibles. Let's do it all. Let's do it all, Lee. What have we been doing up until now?

I don't know. I don't fucking know. My ear is on fire, Lee. This thing better drain today. My wife put breast milk in there. She put breast milk and olive oil in my fucking ear. That's supposed to help an ear infection? Well, the breast milk helps anything.

I don't know if you know about breast milk. I think you have like an HIV patch on your helmet from fucking crack hose. And you put some fucking breast milk out of it. It did really. It grows like an extra piece of skin on it. Supposedly breast milk is tremendous. I tasted it. I fucking went.

You're tasting it? Oh, it was tremendous. I did jumping jacks. I fucking went to kickboxing. I played the drums for an hour. I did it all. I was like a savage. But she's like, no, somebody else had an ear infection, and this will maybe kill it.

She put fucking breast milk in there in olive oil. My ears must be fucking fermenting right now You know when I was a kid, My mother had, my mother bought me this game That's called Please Don't Spill the Beans Yeah, yeah, yeah I told you about this? No, I know the game.

How do you know the fucking game? You ate the beans? No, I mean, it's a game, it's a board game. Right, it's still around? Yeah, or at least it was when I was a kid, yeah. Well, what you did is it went back and forth and you put these wooden fucking beans in there. I was about five, and I had just gotten it for Christmas.

I was still living at 205 West 88 Street. I had the godmother on 148. I was driving her crazy, so I was in between both of them. So I got the game for Christmas, and I'm in my living room watching TV, having a good time by myself. I'm an only child, and I'm playing the game by myself. I got it, and this is the board in the middle,

and I'm putting it with left hand that's going back and forth, and the other thing, and, you know, when you put it with one bean, the bean would spill, and then the left hand would lose or the right hand would lose. So I start putting a bean in my nose, right? I put the bean in my nose, and I pop it out. the bean in my nose. I pop. Did I tell you the story? Come on. I think I think you might have or something maybe put something else up your nose at some point. No, I put the, well, what can,

the only thing I put up my nose is blow, cocksucker. This is the only thing that I ever put that wasn't cocaine. It was a wooden black bean. So I started putting in my nose and taking it out. Finally I put it in my ear, right? And I start popping it out. And one time, this is Christmas. I put it in my ear and fuck it. It don't come out. So I don't say nothing. Right? I don't say shit to nobody. I'm like a, oh, Murtha. I'm like a, uh, fuck. mobster with a bean in his ear. So, like, by March, it starts hurting. You left until March?

I didn't say. I forgot. I was busy. I was a busy kid, you know, when I was 5 and 6. I was out there in 205 West 808 Street. I was part of the police club. I was shooting pool with them. I was playing on the streets. I was getting chased by Mr. Martini, sucked my weenie. I was thrown fucking exit to Hasidic

Jews. When I lived in New York City, and I was 5 and 6, I was rockin, Jack. It wasn't like these young kids today, you see him with a fucking skateboard. When I was five and six, the New York City would put dirt, would plant trees in those days, and they would fill them with these dirt balls that didn't hurt you, but they'd explode when you hit them. We've had these dirtball wars lead that were tremendous. You went home, you had dirt everywhere, and you felt good about it.

Because it wasn't like dirty dirt. It was like clean dirt, if you understand what I'm saying? Okay. So, what was I talking about? Oh, the bean in my ear, right? So I put the bean in my ear, and I don't say it by March, my fucking ear was hurting. And my mother would get home from the bar about 3.30, and then she would have to take care of me all night.

I'd be up all night. Aye. Me or eh, it hurts, which ear means orera. It's Spanish, right? And I would stay by my godmother's house and torment them. This went on for about a fucking month. This earache. I went to the doctor.

They gave me drops. And when you went to the doctor, you let them put drops on the beam? He's like, oh, maybe it's clogged up. There was a piece of wood that was stuck in my ear. Oh, no. So I fucking finally, uh, I, uh, I, uh, they take, me to see the sign out like a 165th in broadway i don't even know it's one of those jew hospitals the main ones like see the sign i went and i went up there and they fucking stuck a like a vacuum

tube in my ear with this long roach clip that had a curve to it and they took it out and from my mother pouring hot oil on it the bean was cooked this fucking wooden bean when they took it out it was steaming i'll never forget that my mom's like what the fuck is that and the guy's like i don't know it was she's like do you know what that is i'm like a bean Right there, my mother goes, can you please leave the room to the doctor? She must have hit me with like three punches to the stomach and a bit slap to the face because my mom would hit me anywhere. I'm fucking, just on a drop of a dime, this bitch would start swinging.

That's a true story, Lee. I had a bean in my ear for four fucking months. Jesus Christ. What are you going to do, Lee? I tell you my fucking story. Lee, if I don't tell you my stories, I can't live, Lee, who else is going to listen to this shit? There must have been something, some like lacquer on those wooden beans that

seems to your brain or something. Oh, my God. I was such a fucking nightmare. I used to shit my pants in all the time. And I shit my pants, I take shits and not wipe my ass and just put underwear over it. Why? Because I didn't like wiping my ass when I was a kid. I don't know why.

I didn't like wiping my ass and taking showers. I don't know. You think I'm kidding you. And my mother would say, if you don't start wiping your ass, I'm going to take the underwear and hang them up on the wall. So when your friends come over, they see you don't wipe your ass. That's what made me wipe my ass. I had problems. I wouldn't wipe my ass.

And those underwears would be shitty. Like, now I get like a line every once in a while. You know what I'm saying? When you get older, you got like a skin mark or a little like acid burn or something. When I was a kid, it was like that whole, when you don't wipe so that whole rock just develops on your underwear. I don't know. I'm stoned. Oh, my God.

What do you bother me for me? I'm not, I didn't ask you this question, but especially when you're running around New York and you're sweating and, oh, I can't even imagine. I must have snowed. But nobody said nothing. And you wore those white shorts. I can't imagine. Not white. I may be colored.

I don't fucking lonely, but I'm trying to tell you my innermost secrets and you're looking at me like a Jew that I owe money to. What the fuck kind of party is this? what kind of fucking party is this? Because you had me smoking for an hour, you tell me to sniff people's underwear. Imagine if a girl started sniffing those underwear where you didn't wipe. I can't believe you never sniffed a woman's underwear, Lee.

You never really fucking lived, Lee. If a girl's there, why are you sniffing her underwear? Because maybe she's passed out, and you want to bang one out while she's passed out. Do you ever think of that, Lee? Do you ever think of that? Maybe a chick is passed out. You just want to sniff their underwear

to see what it's all about. You never had those desires? No. I don't understand where you grew up, Lee. What the fuck? They talk about sniffing underwear. You never came in the chick's bra. I've got to put the fucking thing over her nipple and take it to go.

I've heard about it in Japan where, like, the people sell panties and stuff because some people like it. Fucking Duncan had a chick on that sells her socks. She wears socks. Now that, I wouldn't, listen, I wouldn't pay the sniff of chicks underwear. But if I just finish eating the chick and she goes to the shower to wash that fucking skunk, I'm going to sniff her underwear. to see what she's walking around with, just because I'm, you know, just because I'm curious.

You never sniffed the chick's underwear and banged on out. No. Like, after you take a chick home, you keep her underwear, you hide them. And then she leaves, and then for a week you get those underwear, you can bang one out and work off the fantasy. You never did that, Lee? What am I going to do with you? Maybe if I grew up without a whole internet full of porn,

but I'm not going to sniff a girl's underwear that's been there. And fucking girls fart, too, man. I don't want to sniff that. You don't sniff the fucking back part, the filter of it. No, you sniff the front. Listen, the monkey overpowers anything. Speaking of monkeys, get it together, all right? I don't know if people know this.

Beside Omit, this year we're helping out somebody else. We're going to help them, and they're going to help us. What are you laughing about it? What a transition. Speaking of monkeys. Yeah, speaking of fucking monkeys, all right? This year, we're going to be doing something special for you people. Listen, I get hit up by 20,000 people a week that they want to do this, that Joey

want to do that, can you help us? and I can't, I don't have the fucking time but this I like These people call me They sent me a box of this I was stoned one night watching Sons of Anakin In fact they sent me two boxes Which you want to fucking talk to me

Send me something If you want to talk to me You want to do business Let's live it Let's like this fucking sneaker guy He didn't fucking tell me about the insoles He put him in the shoe And he made me walk with them

Then he took them out That's how you sell something Okay This cherry's fucking berries They've been doing commercials on TV They send you the chocolate covered strawberries Let me tell you something There is nothing like sitting at home

and fucking being stone to the gills and saying, what am I going to eat? And the mailman knocks on your door and it's a box from cherries berries and one of your friends selling you a box of chucking clovered strawberries. They got the white chocolate, they got the milk chocolate,

they got the dark chocolate, they got like 19 different fucking things you could put on there. You're going, Joey, why the fuck are you selling us this shit? Why? Because I care about you, cocksucker. You know, you got these women in your life,

they do everything for you. They fucking cook, they clean, they give you inspiration, they lick your nuts. They help you out. Do yourself a favor. Like last night we sat on a plane going, who could I send this to?

I'm going to send it to people I know that women I like that may be married that do shit for me. Eddie Bravo's wife is a fucking sweetheart. I can't send a flower for Valentine's Day, but I'm going to send to these. The sister, Candace, that fucking chick, she does anything I ask her to. She works at Live Nation. I'm going to send these chocolate-covered strawberries.

My wife fucked that shit. She ain't getting dick. The receptionist says super artist who's a sweetheart, D-Jol. I'm going to send it. And what is it going to cost you? Ninety-nine to send? Are you fucking serious? You know what roses fucking caused? Rose is like $80 and you got to tip the guy and it's 9 out of 10 you don't get pussy. A fucking piece of chocolate, you get the best fucking piece of pussy ever because that's what

they think about. They're eating that chocolate covered strawberry. Anyway, do me your favor. Here's what you do. You go to 866 Fruit Zero-2. 866 Fruit Zero-2 or even better. You visit Berries.com. Spell it out for you.

You ready, cock suckers? Because somebody is a little stupid. B-E-R-R-I-E-S. berries.com. Go to the fucking thing, order it, and go to the microphone in the corner, and type in happening for the church of what's happening now. Okay, so again, for you fucking momos and the cheap seats, I ain't fucking around. These cherries are tremendous.

I think I'm going to get a boxing on Wednesday. I'm going to eat them in front of you, and you're going to go, Joey, that's not bad for 20 fucking bucks. I don't even know what the shipping is, but who gives a fuck? 20 fucking dollars, a lot better than 80 for roses, and you're not even getting that pussy. This, you send them chocolates, and they think you're a fucking hero. Who's better than me?

Lee? Who's better than me? I wish you shared them. I ain't giving you shit, cocksucker. Nothing I share with you is banana bread, then you cry. You sit there looking like Abe Lincoln before you got shot. You fucking mutas. They got white milk, they got dark chocolate, you goodness.

They got chocolate chips. They got decorated sizzle or nuts, whatever you're fucking into. And you get 40% off. So right now, go over to berries.com. Again, for you momos out there. B-E-R-I-E-S dot com. And go to the microphone. right hand corner and press in happening.

Get one of those things. Send them to a lucky lady or just somebody who bails you to fuck out. You know how nice is? You know how we say to make somebody's day? Make somebody's day, Valentine's Day. Maybe a chick hasn't gotten coxies. Jesus-Lay Chicago, and you send her a box of chocolates. You got a picture that's giving you an F.

She hasn't had a finger up her ass in fucking years. Send us some chocolates and this is how it goes down. Berries.com. All right. Pressing happen. What are you laughing about, Lee? I'm telling the people, listen, I can sit here with some fucking ad and tell you about consumer.

What the fuck? I'm talking to these people from the heart here. I'll give you the respect, you give me, and from there, this go, play some music for me, Lee. Just don't fucking sit there like a mutis. Oh, alright, not gonna be out of songs, but... Whatever other songs.

Little Led Zeppel trampled on the foot. Oh shit. I can tell your heart alone. Mama and hit at least. Talking about love. Cherry's berries. Cherry's berries.

Cherriesberries.com. Get some chairs. If you call today, you'll get up in like four or five days. That the feet of peppers because you'll eat them all. But if you order today, tell me you want to sell a Valentine's Day, which is, who the fuck knows? The 14th. Yeah. What days are I'm moving?

Isn't it a Thursday? It's a Thursday. Look at Lee. Lee's going to send some cherries berries to Rose. You get it back. Rose, I love you. Rose, he loves you this cucksuck. He won't start talking about it.

He says that little pussy tastes like a sweet cherries berry. Look at him's all. I love doing this podcast with you crazy fuckers. You know that? It's a beautiful... Let me tell you something, guys. We're thinking... We've been thinking about moving the podcast to the afternoons,

just because... At this point... But let me tell you why I don't want to do it in the afternoon. I'm going to tell you why. You're ready? I'm ready. Because by the afternoon, you motherfuckers are contaminated. When I come on here in the morning,

you know what? Me doing this makes my fucking day. And I'll tell you why. Because when you guys get up on your own and you turn the radio on, or you turn the news on the morning you're drinking coffee. Like this one I woke up to a bus crash,

a tourist bus crash. And they kept bringing it over and over. You know what the second story is probably going to be about a soccer coast that molested a fucking kid? You know what the third story is going to be about? About a fucking Super Bowl party that one of Ryan, three Mexicans shot the fucking neighbor's dog or some shit like that.

So the first 20 minutes of your morning open up with all this shit that you don't need to hear, you don't want to hear, and it's got nothing to fucking do with you. I have, what's that emotion that you have, you feel bad for the people, What the fuck are you going to do? Why am I listening to this?

Why do I need this? I get on here in the mornings, the church of what's happened now is starting your day off in a beautiful fucking place. Whatever the fuck is going on in your mind, there's nothing you can do. Hey, stick in one out of business.

What are you going to do? It's a bump in the road, and it's how you look at that bump. If you look at it like a big bump, then it's going to be a big bump. If you look at it like a fucking small bump, it's going to be a small bump. You're going to have shit in your life

every fucking day that you cannot control. It's how you react to it. So that's why I always live your life, avoiding the other shit, because shit's going to happen. Shit's going to fucking happen. There was nothing I could do to stop my mother from dying. The shit that happened after that, me rob.

That's the shit I could have controlled. People looking for me and cops and all that stupidity. Last week was my 30th anniversary, getting arrested for the first time. It's a fucking joke. We laugh about it, but it's kind of sad. It's kind of sad that that shit even went there. But it happened. I accept it.

And that's it's a bump in the road, and it's what you want to make about it. I come on earlys because I want to get on there. I want to play music for you guys. I want to let you know it's not that fucking bad out there. Don't get scared. Don't let the media scare you. If you go out there, don't worry about what the fuck they're saying. Just worry about your fucking world.

This is your world. Put your hands out, motherfuckers. You see this right here? This is your world. If it doesn't affect this fuck, this is what Kempo Karate is about. If they get in this circle, they get a fucking ass kick. And this is your world. This is all you can fucking control.

So it's Monday. I try to get on there early to put you in a good mood. We crack some jokes. Somewhere out there, there's somebody. He bent over on all fours, holding their ankles with a fucking funnel in their asshole, wait for you to do what the fuck you need to do with your life. Get out there. That's all right.

That's why I do this in the morning, Lee. Yeah, I mean, if I had my choice, yeah, I would prefer not to be up at 5 in the morning. But to be honest, I have a better day when I do it. And it builds character and it helps fucking people out. You get up. Listen, nobody needs to see his face in the morning. It's a disaster right there. Lee ain't no fucking model from Mad Magazine world either.

But we're out here. The story will kick in his glory. We're telling you the truth. And we're trying to put you in a good mood and make you laugh, even if it's just a fucking little bit. Just to start your day on the right foot so he can leave going fucking Joey. You know what I'm saying? He cracked a joke or he made the black chick show up and fart and leave's face and that's coming.

That's coming. That might be coming at the end of the month at the Ice House. I have not decided whether we're going to do a testicle testament, a live podcast. But if it's a live podcast, Lee, it's going down. You might as well break out those goggles. We haven't even discussed it. I've given you life.

I have not even mentioned it, but it's timely. I think I have a trip to Israel coming up. Now, you're too naive. It's time for us to just blow one little fart in your face. Can we start out slow? I sniff her underwear first, and then... No, you've never even sniffed underwear before. You break my fucking heart.

That's a point. Like, I want to start off slow. Why have to start out with getting shit in my face? Huh? I'm going to start with getting shit in your face. No, you told me. She wanted to have the asshole, like a little bit, some gunpowder could come out. It's not gunpowder.

It's not gunpowder. It's not afterbirth, or it's not gunpowder. It's scrap. Yeah. Scrap. Let you listen. Why, you know, when you eat pussy, don't you get some of that pussy gel around your face? That's different than shit.

Don't you get some of that yum yum juice around your face, that colligula juice? Yeah. You wash your face after you eat that monkey? No, I walk around for days. Come on. Say, finger on a girl. When you're 14, you don't wash your hands like a month. You walk around like you're fucking CSI.

Like one of those things dogs put around their neck. You put it around your wrist. You won't wash it. Remember that when you were 14? You finger bang somebody at first time. But if you stuck a pinky in her ass or you wash that pinky quicker than shit. Because when you're 14, you don't understand anything behind the fucking patois.

I still don't understand that. Well, it's time. You're 24. When are you going to be 25? July. Ooh, we're going to have a big party for you. Oh, shit. Yeah, let's do that.

A church of what's happening now party. Farts in the face. You know, it's like a bachelor party. It's like a Jewish Cuban bar mitzvah. See, when you're Jewish, you bar mitzvah at what? 13. 13. When you're in the church of what's happening now, you bar mitzvah.

Mitzvit 25. I need a refresher. Let's go for it. Let's go for it. Did they cut your little helmet off when you were 24? What they do to your bar mitzvah? Do you have a nice bar mitzvah? I had a great bar mitzvah.

No, yeah. They circumcise you when you're born, but it was great. My dad, who listens, is he worked at nightclubs for years. So we had it at a convention center there, like a center, and it was a huge party, and it was great. It was a, it was a, what? of the better nights of my life. Yeah, it was awesome. But it's weird, especially on the East Coast. I don't know what it's like out here or something, but that party, kids' parents would start

being so jealous, like Christian parents, they started having parties for kids when they turned 13, because especially in the town I grew up and the bar mitzvahs, they would go all out. It's like, it was intense. It had party planners. And, I mean, it's a big deal, but especially with the people I grew up with it, it was, you did it so you could have the party. But it was, but it It was a blast. I wrote a blog one time about robbing the bar mitzvah as a bartender, and it was one of the most embarrassing days of my fucking life. Like when I think back about it.

And it's not like I went in there blazing with guns, robbing the bar mitzvah. It was more about, I was a bartender. Yeah. And I went to American bartending school in 1984, and they would place you. And any place they would place me, I would rob the fucking joint. It was hysterical.

And then I would call in and they go, did you rob the place? No, what the fucking? What's wrong with you? Well, the police just called here. So I went to American bartender Institute because the Sheridan Center. I think we got that call coming out. All right.

What's happening? What's up, baby? What's going on? What's going on over there? Is my beautiful wife calling? How are you doing, honey? I'm okay. What's the matter?

It's been a month since you had this baby. How are you feeling? It's been almost a month. Yes, it has been. Friday's going to be a month old, huh? Yes. Well, tomorrow. should be four weeks, so in pregnancy terms, that's a month.

All right, fuck it. I ain't mad at you. What else is going on in your world? What do we got playing for today? You're going to go meet an audition or what? Maybe. Really, how do you feel? I called somebody to cut this mop of a head dude.

I got on my head. All right, let's get you a haircut today. I got to go to the doctor. My ears infected. I can't even finger bang my fucking ear with the pinky because it swole up. I was telling them I put breast milk in there. You put the breast milk in there for me. Yeah, but we got to do it like three times a day

You can't just do it one It's not a miracle drug Yes it is That's the word on the street It's curing my chin already Oh so I gotta put another dose of fucking Let me tell you something At first it seemed disgusting

I didn't even smell it Well I can't smell it But I don't know Terry I don't know what I'm gonna do with my ear It's killing me today You gotta go to the doctor And get some antibiotics That's what's in the breast milk

It's antibodies Oh So that's why my head is right I got tit milk in my fucking brain right now. What else is going on, baby? What do you think about the baby we got? Oh, she's asleep right now at her swing. All right.

She's so sweet. It's really changed our lives a little bit, huh? It has, but you know what? I was telling my mom this morning, it changed us, but it didn't change us like it would have changed us 10 years ago. 10 years ago, this would have been scattering, you know, because our lifestyle was wholly different than it is or has been in the last few years. You know, we've become more comfortable as a family before we had her.

So she's just an addition to that, whereas I think 10 years ago, she would have just rocked us completely to the core. I wouldn't even know what to do. I wouldn't even know what to do. we wouldn't have known what to do. We would have been a mess, and she would have been a mess. But now, you know, we're very good as a family together, you know. She's not a nervous baby.

She's very calm. We're very calm with her. You put up with a lot more stuff than you would have, like, before her, I would have never been able to get up every hour on the hour and see her and then still function the next day, you know? Yeah, no. You're doing a great job, man. And I was stressed out because I was worried about you, you know, I did what most idiots do. I went on the internet and read, and they told me about women being 43 and the dangers.

And it really fucking put a dent in who the fuck I was for a couple months. And I couldn't sleep some nights. and I tell you, as your husband and your best friend, I was so happy to relieve that everything came. I mean, I'm walking around the clouds right now because it could have been worse, you know, and it was a two-day or deal. It's good and it's bad.

It's like if you've got a question, get on the Internet, see if you can find the answer, and then get off. Because if you sit there and troll that Internet, you will find so much mess that you don't want to know about something. and the worst possible scenarios are the things that they put out there, you know, most of the time. So they just scare people to death about everything possible.

Like, oh, my God, what could that be? And it's like a hang nail. But it could be cancer. You know, you can't do that. You can't stay on that Internet and look up stuff for very long because you'll go crazy. And I think that's what happened to you. I think you just went on there and found out everything that could possibly go wrong with a 42-year-old pregnancy. And it just scared you to pieces.

There was one thing I read that said if you're over 42 and pregnant, really consider an abortion. I read that and my fucking heart stopped because all you hear about this country, you know, that's why I said to you, remember, I always get mad when I watch presidential shit. I remember I was saying to you, why is it that that's such fucking important? I didn't want to tell you the rest of the story that day. That's why I went into my own little personal rage about why is it so important if a woman fucking, you know, what the president thinks about abortion when I just read last night that if you're 42 or 41, you should really consider aborting the baby because of the damage you could do to your body. That was the article that fucking killed me right there.

Well, you know, unfortunately in this country, a lot of women who, who, are over 30, even, stop taking care of their bodies. And, well, yeah, if you haven't taken care of yourself and then suddenly you get pregnant, then, yeah, your body's in for a rude awakening. But you know what? It could happen to anybody. It could happen to teenagers. It could happen to 20-something-year-old. It could happen to anybody having a baby. Because having a baby it's traumatic on your body. It doesn't matter how old you are. Oh, I've seen it that fucking day.

When I seen that little blood vein sticking from your monkey, I couldn't believe. I thought somebody shot you. I was looking for the fucking culprit there. Honey, you're going to make me some of those my special eggs this morning? Your bacon scramble? Yeah, I'll be home in about 20 minutes.

Can you make that for me? Because I don't feel too good today again. And I'm going to call the doctor on the way and get you. You're going to play that card until it's... No, no, no, no, no. There ain't no fucking car in here, Cox Suckner. You know when I'm sick, I'm sick. I got too much to do.

My ear, my knee. I can't do the laundry. My knee hurts. Oh, stop. I've been doing the laundry now for fucking three years as we moved. Yeah, but you stop wearing different clothes. Oh, please. You're wearing the same pants for a year because you have to be the one to take the laundry down.

Oh, my God. When we lived in Hollywood, it was three floors. I had to carry the fucking thing. This is easy. But you would wear, like, a different pair of pants every five minutes. because you weren't doing the laundry Right, oh I see what you're saying Oh yeah, yeah

When we're kids You know when your mother does the laundry You wear like 18 different pants every minute You put a t-shirt on you don't like it You throw it in a hamper Once you got to start doing your own laundry You're like fucking I'm wearing those pants till Friday And I fucking do

All that means is you're an asshole It means that oh wow I'm doing the laundry now I'm such a good guy No it just seems that you are such a trick Before to your wife That's all that even proved But I've been doing my laundry for the last three years again

Ever since I moved Ever since I moved up to North Hollywood It's a lot easier So I've been doing the laundry up there Uh huh I do, I do Don't fucking lie, cock sucker I bleached the socks

I bleached my white t-shirts Don't lie, don't make me look bad But you can still wear your pants And holes in them Oh yeah you got it Listen if I'm gonna hang out here all day I'm gonna put on a brand new pair of jeans If I got a pair of jeans

just because my nuts sac sticks out. Who gives a fuck? I'm going to wear him tomorrow, too. He went to a meeting the other day, and his ass was literally hanging out the back pocket of his pants. My pants ripped. I didn't fucking know. And I had no underwear on.

I went to this meeting commander. I get to the car. My cheek is frozen because it was raining that day. My ass was on fucking fire and stuff. I was like, I think it's time we throw those jeans out, honey. And I threw them out. It was against you. You know, I'm a hoarder when it comes.

to that clothes. Because when you're a fat fuck, you always look at your clothes and go, I'm going to lose weight and fit in that someday. You ain't going to lose shit. Throw it away. You ain't going to lose shit lately. And every time I got to throw something out, I feel bad, but what are you going to do? All right, honey, I love you, cocksucker. Give the baby a kiss. I'll be home.

I will. Tell people where to find you on Terry Clark, whatever, Diaz, Facebook. I am not on anything. You people leave me alone. Get it together, cocksucker. I'll see it a little I love you, baby. I love you, too.

Bye. There you have it. Golly. What do you got the rest of the day, buddy? I got nothing. The only thing, and it's not even promoting, but I don't know if you know it's today, but today Ari Shafir's special comes out, and I saw it right before the holidays. Good, good, thank you for a mind.

It's on chill.com. What is it on? Chill.com, and it says called, what is you call? I forget the name of the special, but if you go to chill.com and search Ari, it comes, comes out today. I've already, if you were a good Jew, it was four bucks before today. Today it's five bucks and I saw the material

at flappers right before the holidays and it was great and it comes out today so everyone should go look at it. That's right. Go support the fucking other Jew. I love these Jews in my life. They're the best. I love you guys. Don't forget this Thursday I'm at the San Jose Improv. What else is going on next month? Next

Tuesday, March the 12th we're at the Laughes factory. Myself, Aresia Fear and Duncan Trussell. And on the 27, Testicle Testament, makes a comeback to the Ice House. I'll keep you guys loaded. Joeycoco Deers.net. Sent me an email.

You got a problem. You want to talk about something? Send it to me. I think the shirts go up this week. The new church of what's happening now, shirt with the flying Jew insignia. Nice. A little support for the podcast.

I'll help to turn course. Fucking Lee, every time I see him, he gives me a fucking bill, this cock sucker. Hey, you want me to buy stuff. Look at it. He got a new computer. He lives like a doctor. He's all it.

I guarantee you, If I DNA that board, there's fucking juice burn my eye. No, I don't use it for anything else besides this stuff. I know you're banging there, and the little keyboards are all sticky. Listen, it's Monday. If you fucked up in January, you got off your diet, whatever the fuck you did, you get another shot. It's February. It's Black History Months, motherfucker.

Put on a black cock and go out there and slink some big dick from myself and my little brother, the flying Jew. Don't fucking make me punch you in the stomach. A little Led Zeppelin for these people. Click it. Have a great day. Stay black. On it.com, always. Cherry's buried.

Get some berries.