The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #021 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

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Here we go, cock suckers. Candles lit. Let's get this party started. What's happened? What's happened, you bad motherfuckers, Uncle Joey here. On a beautiful fucking Monday morning, it's snowing. Who gives a fuck? We still got to do what we got to do. We got to come through strong.

We got fucking 11, what are you, nine shoplifting days. Before Christmas, I know you're stressed. I know you don't know what you get. Your cousin, your sister-in-law. But fuck it, it's all over. You belong to me for this fucking hour. we alleviate all that shit who gives the fuck about Christmas

presents do what I do go out of the 24th when everything is fucking empty and you got the store to yourself you don't have much of a selection and it's less fucking confusing I actually actually tried to go Christmas shopping on fucking Saturday it was fucking rough

I tried to get my wife something you got to get them something so I went to the store at the fucking mall and it was huge It was three floors, and the more I walked in with the mask, I brought glasses in. Once your glasses start fogging up, my fucking anxiety goes up, 100 over fucking 10. I looked at a couple things, and I ran the fuck out of there. I was going to call her, but she was at a friend's house.

Her and my daughter were making cookies with a bunch of kids. I didn't want to fucking tell her. I listen, you want Christmas present? You're going to take a wrap down with me to the mall, and you can pick it out, and I just give you the dough for it because I don't have the fucking patience. I really don't anymore, guys. It's too fucking heavy. So there's some people who like the fucking shop.

Me, I like the shop, but it's got to be, if you ever go clothes shopping with me, you'll get sick to your stomach. You're like, Joy, what the fuck are you doing? Because I just take shit off the thing. Some little guys chasing me, would you like to try it on? Do I look like I want to try shit on?

I'm 300 pounds. I've got to take sneakers off, pants, put another thing, I'm breathing heavy. I'll try it at home. If it don't work, I'll show up in three weeks of the receipt. And nine of the tens, I bring the ship back to fucking the homeless shelter or some shit. I just, I don't like it. I've never been a big shopper.

I can't stand in there. The other thing I got patience for is albums. I go into a record store, fucking sit there for hours. Me and Dean Delray used to do it all the time in the cities and just scroll through fucking albums. I do it with Jim Florentine. We go to vintage vinyl or the other joint down in that. And you're there an hour, hour and a fucking half. I can't sit in the store for an hour and a half if you fucking paid me.

I just walk through and I look at different things. And nine of the ten, the shit you go looking for, you don't find. It's the shit that you find that you're not looking for. You're like, wow, this is a fucking treasure. That's what I like. But fucking regular people shopping has never fucking been for me. I want to thank all you guys for all your messages. well wishes on my knee surgery

got pushed back January 8th December 18th is you know what I was listen I just want to get it over with if you know anything about me the pain that's been getting worse and I don't know what the fuck happened it's either the stairs in a new house

or me that I think I stopped I stopped going to cryotherapy you know I stopped going to red light laser I stopped fucking going acupuncture I haven't found new people here people every weekend Have you gotten a P-O box yet? Cucksuck, I haven't even found an acupuncturist.

I haven't found shit. Every week is a new adventure. Last week, I had to find the studio so I could put like ADR work for the many saints of Newark and I could lay down tracks for fucking Ozzy's Bone Yards. So it seems, it feels a lot better, you know. I could do it. It sounds better. So I just found the studio.

It's close to the house. The many saints in Newark is ready to rock. March 12th. A lot of you people aren't excited. People are like, oh, Joey, it's not coming to the movie. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to fucking do? You know, everybody's mad at fucking Warner Brothers.

What do you want to want? Warner Brothers are sitting on. It's got to be three quarters, you know. They're like a billion dollars away in inventory and movies. If you look at Wonder Woman, Many Saints, the Denzel movie, what do you think? When you make an investment, don't you want your money back right away? Okay, then. and what the fuck. Everybody's yelling and screaming at Warner Bros.

They're not waiting for the movie theater. We'll find me a movie theater that's fucking open. What are you going to do? There's no fucking movie theaters that are open. You know, I was dreaming of the big Hollywood premiere and the fucking going into the city and taking my wife and having a great dinner and then going on a thing. It don't look like it.

It's March 11th, March 4th, March 5th. Usually do a premiere a week before the fucking movie. How are we going to be walking around? What do you want to watch a movie with people? fucking mask on. That doesn't sound like fun to me. So if that's the only way they could release it on the streaming service, you accept it, you know? Well, we're not going to get paid on the back end. You're not going to do this. Listen, everybody has to consider something. COVID means you're going to lose money. You're going to sacrifice. Somebody called me up and they go, aren't you mad that you're

not going to get residuals? What, you have to sacrifice a little bit here. You want to be a team player a little bit. Don't release the movie, because I'm not going to make any back end on it. I'd rather you see the fucking movie, and we'll worry about the back end later. He'll come to me some anyway. If I have it coming, I have it coming, right or wrong. So maybe they'll put it on HBO Max and they'll re-release it. I don't fucking know, and I don't care, but I'm just telling you that it's not such a fucking big deal. I'm in the fucking movie, and I'm not mad. Well, I wanted to be on the big screen. Who gives a fuck? I'm just grateful I was in the fucking movie that they gave me a movie. a fucking chance to do the best that I can.

The movie comes out on HBO Max. You either get it. Oh, you fucking don't. I didn't fucking get it. When they did that HBO special with Colin Quinn and Bonnie and I didn't even know what it was, the HBO Max was. You can't get it on your TV unless you got a smart fucking TV, which I don't have a fucking smart TV.

I don't have an Apple fucking TV. So you got to put it on your fucking streaming device. So anytime I want to watch the Sopranos or anything on HBO, they got 10 to midnight, on there with Charles Bronson. They got a bunch of old school fucking movies. I got to watch it on my iPad. I don't fucking mind. I sit in a fucking chair and I watch it.

I don't fucking complain. I put my glasses on. It's the best they got. It's the best they got. But the many saints, if you're excited about it, March 12, HBO Max, they got a 20% discount sticker. You got to find it online. So if you sign up for six months,

you get fucking 20% off. You know, in advance. That's the best I can do for you. I'm just trying to save you a little money. I know you're upset that you're not going to go to the movies, but, hey, I'm upset that we're not doing a lot of fucking things. Somebody said something to me a day. I didn't enjoy it because they didn't have this.

A stupid, it's fucking COVID season. If you were in California, you wouldn't even have the opportunity of being a fucking restaurant. So take what Governor Murphy's given, shut your fucking mouth and deal with it. That's it. That's all you can do. Half the country, three quarters of the country, on lockdown. They're jumping up and down

in Arizona. They're jumping up and down in Texas. And they're jumping up and down in Florida. Everybody else is sitting here on our fucking hands. We're here at least New Jersey. We've got 25% capacity. The governor said that fucking, he's not going to shut restaurants down

because he doesn't want to take away their livelihood, which, you know, if it's not getting transmitted in the restaurant, and all this shit we know already. You know, wear a mask, wash your hands, wash your dick before you fucking wash your hand before you touch your dick. Very important. You don't want to pass COVID on to one of your cock-sucking victims because you didn't want to wash your hands

and you grab your dick and piss. That's not right. And ladies, don't scratch your fucking snatch either with your long fingernails and you get in there and you got a little COVID on your fingernail and then a poor soul like Mike, not me. I'm through all to be eating fucking victims. Pussies. Eat your pussy and next thing you know they got a fucking sore throat and they're fucking hearing Chinese music because you didn't want to wash your hands, wash your hands and scrub your fucking nails, cocksuckers. That's the season

to be jolly. Anyway, let me talk to you cocksuckers about something. I'm happy the surgery wasn't done on the 18th. Something really weird happened. I told somebody I was having a surgery on the 18th and they're like, hey man, that's my anniversary. That's

the day that this and this and this happened in my life. I told somebody else I was having surgery on December 18th. And they're like, hey man, that's my anniversary of this. That's the day I ran over this guy with a car. Like, everybody's got a story about fucking December 18th. And I'm like, you know what's crazy too? It's the night I won the Boulder broker in 91.

You know, and when it comes to comedy, I hold, you know, my touring with Rogan Sacred. I hold my nights at the store close to my heart. I hold the longest yard close to my heart. I hold the many saints close to my heart. You know, these are things that I did that I'm really proud of on paper. Spider-Man 2, you know,

how I dug it out all those years, fucking sleeping in cars and being on bus stations and sacrificing, all that shit's great, and I got to do it, you know, and the fucking R-E things on Comedy Central. I'm really grateful for those that gave people another. different aspect to look at what I had to offer, which is a more of a storyteller than a joke

teller, you know what I'm saying? I don't know how to write jokes really well, like Bill Burr knows how to put together a fucking bit that's brilliant. I don't know how to do that, and I'm not fucking crying about it. Just some people are stronger in some areas than others, you know? But I was thinking about December 18th, and it really has to do with the switch. Remember a couple weeks ago, we were talking about that switch that goes off naturally when you win the war against yourself. Listen, bro, all is fair and love and war, right? They always tell you that. Since you're a kid, if you get cheated on, or if you, you know, if you're playing fucking, you ever play combat when you're a kid and you're only allowed to throw like twigs,

but you end up throwing like a fucking rock and you hit the kid in the head and the kid's like, you aren't allowed to throw rocks. All's fair, love and war. cock's like next time that's why the Nazis wore helmets there's one guy hit with a head next time you got a fucking helmet and you only get hit on the head with the fucking rock i mean all's fair and loving war you know i'm not talking about cheating i'm not talking about sometimes in life this is a fucking war guys you busting out through the other side is really an internal fucking war just think about what i'm saying to you right now you're looking at me going, huh? You know, all this processing, deciding what we're going to do, and then deciding

that we're going to go for it, and then the switch going off, is you winning the war against yourself. The biggest enemy you have is yourself, you know, when you look in the mirror, when you're fucking putting on your tie, going for that interview, and that right there is the deciding fucking thing. You're telling yourself, I'm not going to get it. You know, I've been on 19 interviews. I'm overqualified. You're losing the war right there. You're losing the war right that. Like, you're just losing it right there, you know. The war is real, but the war starts with you. You think you're at war with the world. Everybody who has, you know, well, nobody's giving me a chance. Nobody's doing this. Nobody's giving me a break. It's the fucking world. And listen, I'm not lying to you.

50% of you're right. 50% of it is the world. But the other 50% of it is the war you inflict upon yourself. How do I know about this war? Because I was part of it. I had a war going on myself for years. I struggled with the addictions and this is the last one to do coke and lying to yourself and, you know,

not being honest with yourself. But that has nothing to do with the internal war. The internal war is you deciding what you want to do putting your head down and doing it. You know what? If I take this job, it pays a lot of money, but I'm away from my wife and kids for the whole week. I won't see him until Saturday and Sunday.

Talk to your wife. Does she rather keep fucking eating fucking TV dinners, or does she want to live a normal life? You know, and this is what you need to do. You need to go down there. You need to sleep on your uncle's couch six nights a week. It's going to be rough. but until you get out of this fucking hole,

if you plan it right, and there's no flat tires, and the transmission don't go, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, like when you're saving money for something, then the transmission goes, and you're back to square one.

But, man, if you're sincere in your heart, and you're really fucking working hard, nothing should be going wrong, and your plan should hatch. It's not always going to fucking work out the way you want it. Something's going to break along the way. You know,

Oh, I make fucking $2,000 a week now. So in six weeks, I get out of my debt. And then your fucking garage door falls on your cat. And now you got to fucking, you know, pay for a garage door. There's always something. That's a part of life. That's a part of life that has nothing to do with you. This is what people will fucking take this shit personally.

And they go, the world's got it out for me. The world don't even know you fucking exist, you fucking maggot. Did you think the world know who I was when I was 28 and out of jail and wanted to do comedy? The world didn't give a fuck who Joey was. They don't really, and they don't give a fuck where you were. I know, my dad is, you know, the president of fucking spokesman association. Your dad is a dick. Your dad can go fuck himself.

He's a fucking pimple on a fucking, on a dog's ass right now. The world don't care about it. So the world don't even know you fucking exist. You're blaming all this shit on this, that, the media, the politicians. They don't even know you fucking exist. What do you think they looked at your name when you voted? They don't give a fuck to you. But you ever vote and get a Christmas card from the fucking mayor?

No, they don't give a fuck that you voted. They don't know names. They don't know nothing. But nobody cares about you. They really fucking don't. And when you get that through your head, then nobody gives a fuck about it. me and there's no conspiracy against me oh you motherfuckers that things go wrong there's a conspiracy yeah there's no conspiracy god doesn't have it out for you you got it out for you you got it out for you

you got it out for you you keep giving yourself excuses and saying all this shit to yourself but anyway let's get back to the fucking uh the moral of the fucking story so i had something big that happened December 18th. And I didn't realize it until like they called, when they called and they said, we're pushing your surgery back to the 8th. They push it back to the 8th.

Because my EKG, my heart is, listen, my heart is great. I walked up hills for fucking 20 years in North Bergen. Second Hill is city in the country. I didn't blow for 20 years.

Yeah, I put the little dent in the fucking armor and the sleep app you don't help it. But the walking and the fucking heart that I have and the heart that, you know, just the push that I have in my heart, it's just having a regular heartbeat. And a lot of you guys have been hitting me up when my dad had it by the way, you're going to be fine. They got to retune your heart.

It's going to be fine. I'll be slinging dick by January 8th. I got to go for a test on the 23rd. I got to go for a test on the fucking 30th. Who wants you doing anything on the fucking 30th? The year is over. Leave me alone. And then I got to go for clearance on the 23rd or something.

22nd to the doctor and that's it the eighth i go in there i get this fucking need done i got a show on the 6th and uncle vennies just to let you know i'm not fucking around if you came to uncle vennies last week thank you very much we had a great fucking time great show i mean you know i'm i'm sick in my heart that the club is closed on the 23rd and fucking i'm gonna be free for seven or eight nights. I mean, I've been talking to Rich Boss and Jimmy and we've got to figure something out. But that's not the situation at hand. The situation

at hand was I was thinking about December 18th of 1991. And you know what? I underestimated it. It's up there with all my fucking really good accomplishments. And it's not the accomplishment

that I won the contest. That wasn't all it. I got to turn the story back on you to let you know what happened. So I get into comedy July in 91. As soon as I get off the stage, I was just, you know,

I had found what I had been looking for. It was like YouTube, well, I still haven't found. No, I found it. I found it. And on the way home in the car, my head couldn't comprehend it. But I was a working stiff.

And there was nothing I could do to change that. This is what I had at. responsibilities. Stand-up was not going to fucking happen. You know? The night that I did the Comedy Works, July 18th, somebody offered me a gig the next night.

They were like, ah, you were great. His name was P.J. Moore. God rest his soul. Great comic, great kid. Him and this guy Bill, uh, can't remember his name. They booked a room called the Greeley Under, it was in Greely.

Gilly, Colorado, and it was called the Underground. And for you people who don't know, Greeley is also where the Broncos do pre-season training. So I got into comedy July 18th, and they were still doing like pre-season and no quarterbacks. It was just like running and workouts, I guess. I really don't know what it's called.

So he asked me, he goes, do you want to go to the Broncos training facility tomorrow? night and do that gig and I was like fuck yeah I was petrified don't get me wrong but you know when you're coming off the stage you're on such a high that somebody says do you want to suck a dick you're like yeah I don't care you know I just had the best fucking time in my life so he offers me the gig I take it and the next day I go to Greeley I bomb you know no big fucking deal it's all now you know you had your big high and now you got your big low

and now I'm stable again and I'm trying to figure out how to do comedy and blah, blah, blah. I'm just not right in the head. I'm not in love anymore. There was a part of me I didn't want to fucking family anymore. I just wanted to do stand-up.

I had felt that I found my calling, you know. And I came to New York for my wife, came to me little did I know that now something happened and that's why she was sending me away to make her a little fucking week of love easier and I went to New York I stayed for like eight days I got high every fucking night I was just I just came here to do cocaine I hadn't been home in six years so I basically came home to do coke with my friends that I hadn't seen

and six years. I came home. I went back to New York. I stayed for fucking a week. I got high and I went back to Colorado. And after that, we had like a month on, the marriage was on basic life support. I just knew I wanted to do comedy.

And in the middle of all this, I don't know how, I don't know how this fucking happened. I was reading a paper, a bolder news. newspaper or something. And I saw the Boulder broker was doing a comedy contest. It was the Bex Broker Joker comedy competition. Now, a secret that a lot of guys, that a lot of you guys don't know was right after I got on stage the first time somebody, oh, Johnny Walker,

black and red was doing an open call for comedians to do a contest. I actually called in sick, put on my jacket and shirt, and went down to the Denver comedy work. This is way before I ever got on stage. And I went to this NBC, this fucking Johnny Walker Black, Red, whatever the fuck you call it, competition. And I get there and I signed my name and I'm, you know, in my mind, they got the best three minutes. And the next thing, you know, I walk in there and I see all the, I did not know any of these comments.

I didn't recognize any of them. But they all had, like, shirts on that intimidated me. Like, right now I got, like, a fucking ice house in Pasadena. I shot out, I miss you, motherfuckers, the ice house of Pasadena. All these guys had a lot on like, you know, labs, t-shirts, comedy works, t-shirts. The guy that cracked me was a guy that had a jacket that had an NBC peacock on him.

And I was like, fuck this, I'm losing. I'm getting the fuck out of you. So that was the beginning of my comedy thing. Big time pussy, you know, ran away from contest. And then there was another contest to do something, and I ran away from that one too. I'm not going to lie to you. So I get this paper thing.

I'm still married. I'm super fucking unhappy. And I see this ad in the paper that the broker, the broker was a restaurant and there were chains. There was four of them. It was like the Woman's Bank in Denver. There was one out in Lakewood. There was another one in downtown.

I think there was two of them in downtown Denver. Cool places, really different. Old school, you know, people had vans. best on, like the bank, the woman's bank in Denver, in downtown Denver, was basically a bank. And you ate where they give you the safety deposit boxes. You ever have a safety deposit box. They bring it to you and they closed the door. They converted those into little boots.

So you and your girlfriend could just eat in the boot and they had a curtain. They bring your bowl of shrimp. You can finger bang them before the appetizers come. You don't know how many times I ate a girl's pussy before the appetizers came. in those fucking broker jokers, those broker restaurants. But the one in bold I had never really been to, I had been there one time. They had the best fucking Sunday brunch ever.

Number one Sunday brunch back then, I don't know what's going on now. Don't quote me, I'm just giving you some fucking knowledge right here because you know I'm a fat fuck and I love my fucking food. Let me tell you something. The best Sunday brunch that I ever went to my life was that fucking,

where they shot the Shining and that's just Park Hotel, whatever. I don't know what the name of the hotel is, please, because you people start sending me emails, Joey, you fucked up. Fact check, you know, okay. Wherever they shot the Shining, that hotel has the best brunch on a fucking Sunday. you've ever eaten that in your life. But it's Estes Park. It's towards Estes Park.

Like a couple minutes away from Estes Park. There's a few hours. By the way, Estes Park is one of the most number one travel destination in the country. Astis Park. It's gorgeous. You go up there, they have little squirrels that fucking, you could feed them. They don't give you a fucking tetanus shot. Whatever the fuck.

Syphilis. I don't know what the fucking squirrel gives you. But they don't give you none of that shit. the Stanley Hotel? Is it the Stanley Hotel? I think, do not quote me on any of this. I'm talking to you motherfuckers about

1991. So the broker at the time had two things going. They had Wednesday nights, which is professional night. In other words, a fat chick suck black dick night.

That's what it was. A bunch of fat little blonde chicks with fake blonde hair and black dudes were coming and fucking from the college and coming their mouths, they gave you free shrimp and they had some food out and they had a happy hour.

I don't know what it was called. It was called like Wednesday afternoon social. And then Friday, up at the other hotel on Arapaho Boulevard, that was the original Friday afternoon club, FAC. That made it to Playboy. As like the top five picket spots in the fucking country. I never

went there. I could you know, I could tell you that I went there. wayloods. I was, I was into a different head. I'm not into fucking bars on a Friday afternoon, but I would drive by there. And guys, there would be cars in the hundreds. In the hundreds. There was a supermarket and something else. There would be cars parked down the road, like a, like the parkway in Jersey, like was on the side of this hotel. There would be cars. cars parked at two miles. How many people would go to this FAC?

But none of this shit matters. It doesn't matter. I'm just telling you what the scene was of Boulder at the time. The Boulder broker wasn't as young as the FAC. I forget it was a Hilton or something. The Boulder broker was a more experienced crowd, you know, realtors, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, that type of, you know, jerkoffs. But at the end of the week, they would just get rooms and go upstairs and fuck. There was no big thing.

Sunday they had the brunch. Tuesday Sunday night, the broker had a steak and two movies. Don't ask me how they did it. I'm not here to throw nobody under the bus. It was 30 fucking years ago. So on Tuesday nights, you ready for this? On Tuesday nights, on Sunday nights, you could put pajamas on, hoodies, fucking slippers. You could go to the broker, give them 15 bucks.

And the first movie started at six. Like it was like a double feature in the restaurant. Okay, they had little chairs that you could put and put your feet on top of them so you can sit back. I'm not kidding. And after for dessert was hot cocoa with marshmallows for you to watch the fucking movie. They weren't fucking around. They always have cute little double features. Whatever.

Was I down there? No. I never had gone into the broker. I think I'd gone there one time for brunch. of my in-laws. Before I even married them, they invited me on a Sunday. Fucking tremendous. I had about 19 glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice. Everything was for free on the brunch, except the orange juice. Each glass is like seven bucks. I must have rang up like 140 in freshly squeezed orange juice. My in-laws were livid. But anyway, I open up this fucking

article and I see that the broker is doing a fucking contest for comedy right away you guys know my fucking shrinkner tightened up I closed the fucking newspaper and I said I'm not going down there because I'm a fucking pussy I'm not going to go down there and fucking lose but you know the switch still hadn't got off yet I I was just like in a fucking 29-year-old limbo. You know, I was 28. Was I 28? Yeah, I was 28.

I just started into comedy. Me and my wife weren't doing well. You know, I was working a lot of hours. I was sneaking a little bit of cocaine, you know. I was trying to tell people I was sober, but I really wasn't. I really wanted to be a comic, but. Just my past and who the fuck I was and my DNA. I just didn't think I could do it.

But I looked at this ad, bowl the broker, Joker, and I called a friend of mine, a very dear friend of mine, still friend of mine, Manitamina, I'm going to give him a call today. He knew the people at the broker. He was dear friends of one of the managers.

And I said, call him up and ask him if I go down there tonight and do the tour. Ask him if I could go down there and watch. the contest you know me I'm a big-time pussy can I watch the contest and within 10 minutes he called back and he goes no no no he needs contestants for tonight do you mind doing a set it's fucking 3 in the afternoon guys I wasn't experienced I didn't know what I was gonna say or what I was gonna write so I said okay I don't know where it came from, it wasn't the Joey Diaz that was who he was then. I go, okay, I'll do it.

And I call, I answered, I hung up the phone and I'm just, whew, I'm happy if I'll fucking make it down there. And I wrote a few jokes together. I don't know how many minutes it was, guys, maybe five, maybe seven. I don't know what it was. And I think it was like September, 18, September 15th. And I went down there not expecting anything. You know what I went down there to expect? I went down there to expect to lose,

be humiliated, and do what I was usually used to doing. Quitting. Everything I did, I fucking quit. But something else happened. I ended up going down there. There was maybe four other comics up. You know, there was maybe

20 people in the audience because that's all that went. Tuesday nights was comedy night. They had just started, and they were trying to boost it. I got the story later on. They had been dabbling in comedy for about six months,

but they could never really get it going. So they got Bex, the beer company, to do, well, Bex was doing them anywhere at that time, was doing a large comedy competition. They had scaled it down. They had scaled it down from a national comedy competition, to a regional comedy competition.

So for me, it was like New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana. I don't know exactly what the breakdown was. I know Phoenix, Arizona was involved. So he goes, can you just come up and do the contest? And I said, absolutely, guys, I don't know what I wrote. I don't know what I said. I would love to be able to tell you. I'd tape the set.

you know, I don't know who was up there. All I know is that I went up there and at the end of the night they said, the winner is Joey Diaz and I fucking shit my pants. Not literally. I was like, how the fuck did I win this? You know?

Was I really, and I didn't know anybody. I just went up there. I sat there by myself with my little fucking pussy-ass self and I just went up there I did the jokes I wrote and I won. And I go, what do I win? The guy goes, nothing.

You just get to come back in October. And I'm like, really? Come on. And that's like, I was like, fuck. So I'm like, I'm better tighten my shit up. And it wasn't like it is today, well, not today, today, December 2020. It's not like it is today, you know, before the pandemic with comedy.

that there was a thousand places I could go to. In Boulder, there was basically no place to really, you know, I had heard about how comics work out. That's what I had learned when I had worked the door at which end, how comics work out, and, you know, you'd take a joke and process it. I was ready to do all this. I didn't really know what I was doing, but there was really nowhere to go in Boulder to rehearse.

So I think one Saturday I went to that room like I've told you about, It was like all the way on the other side and fucking Denver and Littleton and the show started at 11. The guy wouldn't put me up at one. That's not really good for your fucking self-image and your self-confidence. I went down there.

I got beat up. You know, same shit. Emotional beat up. Long drive back. And one of the guys from the halfway house had a girlfriend that had a coffee shop called Penny Lane. And he gave me an idea.

He goes, go to the poetry readings and do what you can do material i mean listen guys that if that's what it was what i had two options i could even put a fucking mirror and stand in front of the mirror like a zoom show or fucking go to this poetry and i went to the poetry thing and it was pretty interesting so that i looked online you know online i looked in the fucking paper and i noticed that they had open mics for poetry every fucking night, I would try to get in there. You know, I was, I'd already been fired from McElbys. Not from McElvys.

It was a comedy called Wittsend. I had already been fired from them. I was not really happy in my marriage. And every night I would look for ways to go to different places. Guys, it got to the point where I would walk into fucking joints and they would say, Listen, you came last week You're here We can't have your style of comedy in here

You're not a very good comedian Please don't come back I mean, that was told right to my face I never raised my hand I never got mad at them I knew what can I do I'm not gonna argue with these people But then something happened

October 15th I fucking walked in the door And my ex-wife told me that She found the bill And she wanted to get separated And I accept after it and I was heartbroken about the kid, but to be honest, I was fucking excited that now I could do comedy.

So somewhere along the line, I went in October and performed again with everything that was on my mind, and boom, guess what? Joey Diaz got his hand raised again. I didn't fucking know. I don't even know what I said. Again, I just went down there. But this time, some people had gone down to see me. I was working on a sports betting service.

So, like, 13 guys went to see me, and when they all clapped, I got the fucking, I won the night. Not bad. I can live with that, right? Okay. A bunch of shit goes on, you know, after October 15th, I'm picking my daughter up every day at the fucking daycare and holding it, you know, until my ex-wife would get out of work.

That was, how I spent my time with her and then I would feed her and then Kathy, Mike's wife would pick her up and then I would just, you know, try to go to an open mic or I would try to go to music open mics

and they would tell me you could do five minutes, you know, it was just a fucking struggle in Boulder. There wasn't much. There was a few rock clubs around the area and I would contact them and they would say we never heard of you you know, if you were this comic or this comic or this comic,

which they weren't famous either. It was just, they had local notoriety in the area. He goes, if one of them called for you, whatever. So I was just struggling with my fucking comedy and the whole thing. So November, I had no fucking idea how I won that contest. I really don't remember what I said or, now all these comics I was going up against, I had never seen one of.

I'd never ever seen any other any of these guys. The comics I was saying when I were going to Denver, they were good. They were good. These young comics that were, when I say young, I'm not talking about 20 or talking, I'm talking about young,

early in their comedy career. So early on in the comedy career, I knew these guys. And I was like, if these motherfuckers show up the bolder, I'm not winning shit. I'm just dying. But November's contest was different

because instead of 17 people coming to see me, like 30 people came to see me. And that's the night I realized what happened was I was running behind. I was running behind on time. Once my wife left, I lost my job as a roofer. I didn't want to sell cars anymore. I just wanted to really focus on stand-up.

I had little money put away. I had 29 credit cards. I wasn't concerned with money. I was just consumed with fucking stand-up comedy. That's all I gave a fuck about. I was trying to do it every night, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, it wasn't working, whatever.

I had pulled off this November. November when, because I was running late, at that time I got into selling a little bit of drugs. And one of the drugs I started selling was Valium. And it's the drug Coke, Cokeheads love Valium because at four in the morning, when they got to go to sleep, they got to eat these fucking Vs. I was getting these Vs out Longmont. They had the V in them, the original old school Valium. Forget about. I was getting them for like 60 cents apiece.

and sell them for like $3 a piece. I was getting rid of a hundred of those things every two fucking days in Boulder. But part of my action was having people meet me at the clubs. I'm going there to do, you know, I had already done time. I had to be a little careful. I had to be a reason for me to be there. So I would like hide the fucking pills in the trunk

and pull up and go in first and then come out and take the pills out and go back in. I was like really cautious. And I knew if they caught me with 10 pills, I wasn't going to do kidnapping time, you know. So I just kept it under, I sold a little weed. I saw, I was dealing with this guy up in the fucking mountains

that grew the best weed in the world. I think I forget where he lived before Estes Park. And I would go up there once a week. He would make me two eggs with wheat to multi-grained toast and red beans. I had never had a breakfast like that. I would give him money and he would give me a soda container,

a cracker container. Like I have upstairs with a pound of weed that was fucking tremendous. I was selling weed. You know, I didn't have a job. I was selling Valium. I was starting...

I wasn't dating women or anything. My wife, and I had made a deal when she left October 15th, not to date anybody until we decided what our fate was. And we were going to get a divorce, or we were going to stay together. Boulder was a small community. And we didn't want nobody fucking, you know,

we didn't want to hurt each other. So I was cool with that. I didn't need to screw nobody or do none. I was just happy that I had comedy. I wasn't going to be, you know, married anymore. I was going to be married. I didn't know what was going on. I was just happy that something else

besides drugs and crimes and stupid fucking jobs have been thrown on my lap. I was just fucking excited that I finally tried fucking comedy and here I was in a contest and here we fucking are. So we get the fucking December. The finals are December 18th.

I'm fired up. I got the Judy Counter Worker book. I got the Jean Paray Comedy Workbook. I got the other Gene Paray workbook. I'm writing garbage. I don't even know what the fuck I'm writing. I love to sit here and tell you I was writing these jokes that were deep. I was writing garbage.

I was just a funny fucking guy. And I kept trying to bang it out. But December was the moment of truth. December was created to fucking kill me that year. December came at me like a fucking vicious, you know, everything. First of all, she calls me up and she's like, listen, I think that we're going to stay separated for a while and I'm going to get my own apartment. Do you mind if I fucking come down there and get some stuff with my father and my brother just so I could have stuff in

my apartment? And I'm like, yeah, how bad could it be? What does she want on a couch? We had two TVs. We had like the crib, the bedroom. We had a living room set. We had this whole, this whole outdoor patio set that was like a green room that had. And, Half of it was out, but half of it was in. If you wanted to grow fucking flowers, it was tremendous, my little condo. I found this condo myself. There's more of the story to this,

but we'll go into that later how I got this condo. I said, sure. I go, as a matter of fact, I'm such a gentleman. I'll leave you alone. I won't even be there. Just go over there, take what you need, and I'm fine with it. This is now my, the finals is December 18.

This has to be like December 14th. I walk into my fucking house and guys all that was left was a TV stand TV a VCR I looked in the kitchen

everything was gone to fucking the dinner table the piece where you have your dishes in there and there was a picture of our wedding, you know, I don't know what people call those. We had some other shit in there. That was gone.

I go into the kitchen. Fucking, the little coffee table was gone. I went out into the fucking sunroom. Everything was gone except my fucking desk. Plants, pictures on the wall. I turned around. All the pictures were gone. I fucking run upstairs to the,

bathroom my toothbrush was laying there with a little travel tube with toothpaste and a little bit of listerine everything else she had taken the towels the soap the cup for the fucking soap i went into the fucking bedroom and all that was left in the bedroom was a mattress on top of a box springs the dirty bitch even took the fucking thing with the rollers in the bottom of bed so you can roll it there was no amois there was no cabinets all my clothes was on the fucking floor and the indoor closet was empty my clothes were in her clothes was gone listen i looked around i'm like okay i guess this is what separation is i went downstairs to get a fucking soda guys she had taken the sodas whatever food was in there that was like still fresh she took all that she left was like let's say there was a jar of oranges that was half empty she left that

i went to look she stole the fucking mustard who takes the fucking mustard I didn't know what to do I didn't know what to do 4.30 came I fucking walked up to the daycare I picked up my daughter Jackie I walked her back home and we basically sat in the living room

on fucking milk grades I think we ended up going I took it to like Coco's there was a restaurant across the street and she got like a hamburger and stuff and when 630 came home my wife came because my wife I forget over there like at 615 every night to pick up the baby.

She shows up like a 620. I'm like, where is everything? And she goes, listen, man, I got to start a new apartment. You're making money. You could start from scratch. I took what I thought was mine. You know, I threw a little bit of a fit, but it wasn't a fucking, you know, but she took everything.

This is three days before. my fucking contest. And then I get a fucking, you know, I get like a letter in the mail that she's filing for all these, like half the shit we had discussed was completely different,

you know? And then it's the night of the fucking contest. I don't have to tell you where my head was at. I woke up at 6th of morning. I don't think I slept the night before. I was fucking petrified. fucking petrified. I was like, I'm not going down to my finals tonight.

I'm not going to go down there. Fuck that. I'm done with comedy. I'm not a comedian. I'm a fucking criminal. My wife just left me. She took all the fucking shit. She took the mustard.

I don't have the fucking, I don't have what it takes. I've just been lying to myself. This has just been bullshit. This has just been a bullshit story. I'm never going to amount to nothing. I'm never going to fucking be a comic or go on a tour. I'm never going to do none of these fucking things, you know?

I was just down on myself, man. I was like, what the fuck? This is never going to happen. I worked all these years. Like, I had gone to prison. I had been a fucking a mess. And for the last two years, I had been just working on myself, little by little. Yeah, I still had a little bit of a fucking drug problem.

But I had been working on myself as a human being, like towards something. Like, I became a rude. Roofing estimate and I was good at it. I was, you know, I got a job at a comedy club. I was paying attention. It wasn't like I was running around like a fucking Indian. Finally, I was starting to get a little fucking control of my life. I would go watch comedy. I knew it was a, you know, I didn't want to start something without knowing and then just quitting. I wanted to do something just right. At fucking 28 years, I'd been doing every fucking thing wrong. And I just wanted to do something fucking right. So I said, you know what? I'm going to stop with this pussy shit. I'm going to stop

with this resistance as they talk about with the art of war or the war of art in that book by Stephen Pressman. This is, I didn't even know about that shit then, guys. I just knew my life had a change. The switch had not turned. I was just at war of myself and I had to win this fucking war. So I said, you know what? I'm going to go down to this fucking contest tonight. I went at 430, I picked up my fucking daughter. You know, we ordered Chinese food. I forgot I had no fucking silverware, no

fucking forks to eat. I had nothing. I'm fucking sitting there. I'm so embarrassed in front of this child. I had to like knock on a neighbor's door and get like two for us. I promised I'd bring them back. I told her that our dishwasher broke. I don't know what fucking excuse I made.

I'm supposed to, she's supposed to drop. The contest starts at 8. She's supposed to drop off. She's supposed to pick up my daughter at 6.15. I'm going to take a shower. I'm going to go to a restaurant or whatever. Meet a friend of mine who's going to look at my jokes with me.

You know, at this time, I called him my manager. I still love him. I still talk to him. I had my little, by that time, I had my own little entourage, by the way. I didn't tell you about that. I had my man, Danny. I had his wife, Maida. I had a guy from my building.

building. I had my boy from Buffalo, McKenna. You know, I had my own little fucking entourage. So on Tuesday nights day we'd go down there and cheer me on. That whole fucking day I was making people calling me for drugs. Like, where can we get Coke? Where can we get weed? Where can we get fucking Malukia pills? I said, listen, everything happens at the broker tonight at 8 o'clock. Coke, heroin, bitches. inflatable blow jobs. Whatever you need, it's going to be at the broker tonight at 8 o'clock.

I just needed people down there for me to win this fucking contest. Like I said, all is fair and love and war. I can look you straight in the face today and tell you I didn't cheat. I actually worked. I sat down.

I wrote fucking jokes. I tried to even add a tag. I had put my first tag. I'd probably been on stage. At this point, maybe 35 times that's that's stretching the imagination

maybe 35 times I had been on the fucking stage I told everybody meet me down there at 8 I'll take care all the year I got an 8 ball there was a guy negative that lived around the corner from me

I called him up he had an 8 ball ready for me I had 200 Valiums you know I don't even know what else I was selling at the time I was like a one-man demolition, but all I had on my mind was this contest. Now, between you and I guys, I would have won the war against myself just by showing up. And I knew this.

I knew this. For me to win this war, for me to beat Joey Diaz, the loser and become Joey D. as the winner, have to just show up. This is why I tell you guys, you just got to show up. Just show up. Let the pieces fall where they may. Just show up. Show up, bitch. 6.30. My wife ain't there. 6.45. My wife isn't there. It's the biggest night of my fucking life. I'm going to finally go to war for myself. I'm finally doing something to move ahead. I'm finally towards, I'm finally moving towards turning on that switch, which I never knew existed at the time, by the way. None of these guys knew we had the Swetts that existed. Fucking 7 o'clock, she knocks on my fucking door, my ex-wife.

I'm like, where the fuck have you been? You know what this dirty bitch tells me? Miss Catholic, Miss, don't date nobody. She goes, I went on a date for a drink. I go time out. You just been telling me for the last month and a half, not to go on a date that I can't fucking, that I can't fucking,

uh, go on a date that you don't want to be embarrassed that your dad's a big realtor in town. She goes, I changed my mind. You change your mind. Just like that. My feelings were a little hurt.

I'm like, fucking really. Okay. You know, I didn't ask nothing. I probably had a tear in my eye or two. You know, I was expecting some. It wasn't that I was, I was in love.

It wasn't that I missed her or anything like that. It was just, I thought we had a fucking, uh, an agreement, you know. She takes to, I kiss my, you know, it was snowy out. I take the baby chair. My daughter was probably two, maybe a year and a half, two years at the time. I take the, I carry it downstairs in the snow. I put her in the fucking car. You know, I'm a little taken.

back, you know. I fucking mock up the carriage. I smoke a half a joint. I get my car and I go down to the fucking broker. Now I'm fucking livid. I get to the broker. All my friends are there. Hey, how you doing? You got my pills. You got my coke. I'm selling everything. They go, all the comedians come to the table. We come over to this table. There's like seven of us in the final. I still remember two of the guys that were there. Now, this is an amateur competition. What that meant was that you could have not done either an emcee, a feature, or a headlining spot anywhere for money. You could be an open micer, all right?

So I get there, and I, you know me, I'm not a crime stopper. I'm not a pussy. I get there and I go, holy shit, there's two comics here that you. should not be here. I know for a fact they have gotten paid before. They're on flyers, whatever. Did I say anything? I don't say a fucking word. Now, I'm still fucking coming down off the fucking anger and pain, you know, and just disappointment that my wife had laid on me. You know, I had no fucking mustard. I got no silverware. You know, I mean, I'm saying. I mean, I mean, I got a ton of fucking things in my mind.

And right now at this moment, when I see these two guys there, and I see the line up right away, I want to pull a Joey Diaz and turn around and leave. And I never forget that I actually took, like, a step back and was ready to fucking... But I saw all the friends that I can't... You know what?

They weren't my friends. They were fucking customers. But like 50 of them were really. really my friends. I think I put like a hundred people in there that night. You know, and I see all this shit that's going on, like all these, you know, comics and they're getting into arguments amongst themselves. So now I go, you know what? I'm going to go to the bar and have a soda and call this a fucking night, you know, whatever, go on stage. Who the fuck am I? I'm never going to be a fucking comic. and you're not going to believe what happens next.

One of the judges comes up to me and he goes, I think you're disqualified. And I go, what are you talking about? And he goes, because one of the guys said that you did the show for the Broncos and he did it with you and they gave you $5 for gas. I go, $5 for gas, exactly, from Greeley to Boulder. It wasn't even gas money.

That paid for fucking the first two miles. What are you talking about? Because I didn't know this. When I had gone over to the bar, they had gone into an argument amongst themselves about who wasn't an amateur and who wasn't. And I'm like, I didn't even listen. I didn't even know that argument was going on.

So all of a sudden they had disqualified, two of them. And the one guy said, If I get disqualified, Diaz gets disqualified because he took $5. Fuck you, bitch, you've been taking money. Like, you've been getting 50s and 25. I wasn't even up to that level. So now the contest had been cut down to five from seven. Right there, there's already fucking controversy.

And the one guy came close to me, he wanted to fucking, like, he didn't want to fight me, but he wanted to argue with me. And I'm like, I got no time to fucking argue, right? And the mood I'm in, I just went to eat Chinese food and I didn't have a fucking forked. The mood I'm in, I'll rip your fucking eyeball out. Get the fuck away from me. I don't think that guy ever spoke to me again.

I saw him an open mic. After that, he could tell him I was on fire that night. After the fucking day I had, you're going to tell me now that I can't do this fucking contest because I took $5 fucking six months ago for fucking gas money. I could tell if he gave me 100 or $1.5. 50, I would have done the right thing and said, I'm not an amateur. It's the truth.

I did get paid at $1.50. I would have bowed out. But fuck you. I'm fighting for what I fucking believe in. It was $5 for gas, and gas is really like $12. So what the fuck are you talking about? Finally, they smoothened it out. Everybody went to that neutral corner.

I don't know. And you know, man, I must have said a prayer to myself, and I said it. I go, you know what? and that's when I put the continuance into that sentence. I won the war by coming down here with myself. No matter what happens, even if I come in the last, I won.

Fuck you. I'm coming down here to win this whole fucking thing. I felt like, what's that, Berringer, Tom Berringer in fucking Major League? When they say that, You know, they're going to get traded. You're going to be horrible.

And he goes, then we just got one fucking option. And that's to win this whole fucking thing. And I'll never forget where I was. And that broke in the door was like over there. The bar was over there. The stage was right over here. The audience was here. And I was deep, deep, deep over here in a corner,

looking out the window at the traffic. And I'll never forget looking at that audience. looking at the other four comedians and going, you know what? Nah. I didn't come down here to fuck around with these motherfuckers. I came down here to win this whole fucking thing. And guess what happened? They put me up like, I mean, they put me up like first.

They did everything they could to fuck with me. But on that particular night, remember I told you guys, I did the fucking album thing on the cover of Dr. Dre, his first album, look at that picture. On that day, on that day, I don't know about today. Today he just got one of a billion dollars

from fucking beats. I don't know if he wants to be president in the United States, but I know on that day when he took that picture, he could have been the president of the United States. On that night,

I could have done whatever I wanted to do because it all started in my mind. I go, this is exactly what I'm doing. Yeah. I won my personal battle. We all have personal battles, and that's what half years are going through right now. It's not the world that's against you.

It's that you're against you. And by you stacking the odds against you on your own, that makes your situation even worse. At that moment, the odds were all on me. You know what my odds were? I was an all-time favorite. I was going in there giving fucking 90,000 fucking points. Do you understand me?

I fucking went up there First Against whatever they were all giggling at me Like how high you're gonna go up first You're gonna eat the biggest dick Guess what Those 130 fucking people Went fucking nuts when I went up there

The response was tremendous Guess what else Nobody had a better set than I did that night Nobody nobody I had a five minutes set That was flawless again If I could remember a joke I would lay it on here but this it was just stupid fucking jokes I don't know what it did

the pieces fell together this other comic had brought a bunch of other people they were cheering him on but pound for pound I was better than it like you know fundamentally at that time I was better than him at the end of the night they raised my hand and they said Joey Dears you want 500 fucking dollars and that's tonight that's the fucking night i won the war that was the first war i ever won against myself i had been homeless i had been in prison i had gone through so many fucking things but it wasn't about the five hundred dollars it wasn't about the launch pad because it didn't really launch me nowhere it's not like they put me on mtv or mbc after that that night December 18th, I will fucking cherish. This Friday night, I will eat 20 fucking edibles out of respect for you,

motherfuckers. Because like I told you, the universe will always take care of you. If you put the work in and you believe and you actually look in the mirror and go, fuck these motherfuckers. And you could say it, like there's people who say it all the time. Fuck people, you got to believe it. When you believe it, when you believe it, when you say it and you go, fuck these, like I swear to God, I'm not making this up. I'll never forget, looking out that window. I don't know if it was snowing or not at traffic and looking at that thing going, no,

I didn't come down here in just a fucking place. I'm coming down here to wipe my fucking ass with these motherfuckers. And that's exactly what I did. So before, you know, I know that some people are down, I know that some people are frustrated. I know that you're broke. I know that you have a loss. That's all great and dandy.

A lot of other people are going through what I was going through that. What's my next fucking move? This is what I want to do. And then you start throwing things at yourself to confuse yourself and you're out of it. You didn't even get to the fucking, you didn't even get to the battlefield.

You stop yourself with, you got to the battlefield. Don't stop yourself before you go to a battlefield. This is a war every day. This is why I get up on a Monday and I tell you, motherfuckers, you got to go out like a fucking animal. Because this is a war. And it's not a war against then. It's not a war against your boss. It's not a war against a record label. It's not a war against a plumbing union or the teachers union. It's the war that you have to win against yourself. You have to beat that side that tells you. You can't do it. The side that tells you, there's a side of me too that's a little fucking fag.

Even today, at 15th, I have this little faggy side. That's why the EKG, that's why, because I got that little faggy side of me. That's still doubt and a little fear. But I usually go back to December 18th because that was the night. The switch didn't go off. It was the first thing. I won the battle against myself. You got to win the war.

against yourself before that switch goes off. What do you think about that, motherfuckers? And that's December 14th, 2020, on a beautiful fucking one day. If that story doesn't help you fucking grab the world by the balls, listen, just go upstairs and spray raid down your throat and end it with some bug cleaner. You know what I'm saying?

They'll never find into your autopsy. I had a great weekend this weekend. I hope you enjoyed the UFC fights. fucking Moreno against Gastilino, whatever his name was, was a fight for the fucking books. I always knew that Jacare was going to lose, and the other old-timer Jr. was going to lose. The main fight on the card that I wanted to watch the card with was for Olivera against my man. Didn't turn his way. Olivera is a rising star. But it was a great weekend all in all.

And now I can't believe there's no UFC card December 29th. I think it's next Saturday. And that's it. So that's why we're stuck after the 23rd. So we're going to be doing a lot of a couple little things. And that's it and that's that. Remember, before the switch could turn, you've got to win the war against yourself. That's the first thing.

The battle within yourself. That battle that we have inside of us, that goes back and forth. Once you win that, the world is your oyster. You'll get your asshole licked on a daily basis, you understand me? And that's it and that's that. Thank you for watching. On a beautiful Monday morning, it's snowing out, but I don't give a fuck. You're my job.

I love you guys. And don't forget to visit me on Patreon, 3, 5, and 7, 15. The shirts got fucking sent out. they're this color, the color of happiness. You think I'm wearing this color on a Monday because I'm going off fucking, no, I'm wearing this color because it transforms happiness. We're happy today.

I love you, motherfucker. Enjoy the ads. Thank you very much. Wednesday, Uncle Vinnie's. That's it, and that's that. Have a great fucking week. We'll be back here Wednesday morning. Ready to rock.

Stay black. All right, I want to thank you, motherfucker. for listening on a beautiful Monday morning. I want to read something to you, people. I want to talk to you, people, about some way you can save some money over the holidays. It's with honey. Listen, with so many gifts you've got to buy right now,

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I want to thank you motherfuckers for giving me the opportunity to be here, me and my man, Mike. And I love you guys. And I'll see you Wednesday morning. Tip Top McGoo with no fucking stories. Stay black. Have a great day.

Uncle Joey loves you. There you go. I still got it, cucksuckers. Thank you.