The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 02/13/2013 - The Church of What's Happening Now #55

Episode Date: February 14, 2013

Rocco Urbisci calls in. He directed 10 George Carlin specials, not to mention specials for Pryor and Lilly Tomlin, to name a few. Ari Shaffir also calls in this morning. Check out his new special on Chill.com. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Sharis Berries. Go to Berries.com and use Promo code Happening to get special deals as low as $19.95. Streamed live on 02/13/2013

Hit it, Lee. Oh shit. Say some words, Lee. Now we got it. All right. Here we go. Fuck, we don't know what the hell is going on. The sound. I give Leah hit us some fucking wax. And look at me, he falls apart. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Wednesday, what is it today?

The 13th of February, a day before Valentine's Day. If you're broke, you can get no pussy because you're 24 hours away. You know what I've been there. I know what it's like to be broke on Valentine's Day. You got to steal a purse. You got to hit somebody in the head with a rock. But fuck it. It's hot.

today. Hit it Lee. Let me see a little wiggle for Popple. Let me see a little genie. Sadly, a little genie like this. Touch your hands like this, little genie like Travolta. Oh shit. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. The church of what's happening now.

Joey Diaz, his main man, Lee Syatt, aka the flying fucking Jew of Love. I hear you. What's happening, brother? Not much. I feel great, man. You do? You are moping around this morning like somebody took it. this morning like somebody took your fucking Yamika you're telling me you're tired you're tired you're tired you're trying

to be tired though I haven't slept the past two nights and I'm fucking ready I don't know man excuse me I just woke up some leap burp before I didn't burp that was you smell it all the way over here it smelled like bacon and dead fucking shoes combined what did you eat a fucking homeless fucking I haven't eaten for a few hours what was a lot of thing you ate uh

I had a ham sandwich at work it was any good did you make of yourself no no You bought it out of the machine? No, there's no machine. I got it from Subway. Subway, a ham sandwich. Made out of fake fucking turkey.

This is what I'm talking about. You're slipping, though. That's what happened. That's happened to the Sound. You ate a Subway sandwich. You're going down to the... The Subway sandwich. It's a beautiful day to be alive.

L.A. residence, you can rest. The Black Cop is dead. You know what a fucking nightmare that was. They interrupted my Mori Povich. They interrupted fucking everything. This guy was in the HUD. He lit it on file. I think they fucking iced him.

It was weird, but who gives a fuck? I don't know what to do with us. You know? Yeah. What are you going to do? I feel sorry for the families. I feel sorry for the fucking couple. He shot in the beginning of the young girl

and the young guy that were getting married had nothing to do with it. Nothing to do with it on the Super Bowl Sunday. He fucking shot him ganglans down their fucking car. So, you know, the guy's no fucking innocent. People don't forget that that the guy's no innocent, whatever. You don't kill somebody because you're mad at some guy. But things happen. He's captured.

He's dead. What happened? No, no. I was just saying LAPD was really creepy about it. They're fucking burning down the house. They didn't want this guy to talk at all. No, no.

Dead men don't tell tales. Always remember that, people. Dead men don't tell tales. That's the lesson of the fucking day today. You understand? And I knew he got a tail to tell. Oh, yeah, he definitely did. Dead men don't tell tales.

That's the number one. If you're going to fucking get into an argument, somebody might as well kill him and nobody will find that what the fuck you're talking about. That's like when Finney died. When Fini died. When Finney died, I was very sad, but the same time I was happy. Why?

About five minutes, because Finney's seen me do some creepy fucking shit. He seen me jerk off and fingers up my ass. He did blow with me. Well, now you're just telling everybody. Huh? Now you're just telling everybody. What are you going to do? But what are you going to do?

He goes on 60 minutes. What happened if one day fucking cats could just talk? This motherfucker one on 60 minutes, sweating up bullets and shit like that. I think you need to put whatever is in that joint down. I hear you. It's Wednesday fucking morning. Lee, Lee, it's a beautiful day to be alive. Listen, whatever the fuck's going on.

You're like, get out there. Get out there. The fucking sun's shining. It's a little cold, so what? Penguins are out there. Don't talk to me about, John. Let me tell you what happened to me this fucking week. Let me tell you how.

My ears better. But Monday, I said, fuck it. I just can't sit here. It was the last day of the antibiotics. I said, I'm going to go over to kickboxing. I go over the kickbox. I'm having it. What happens is when you have this ear infection.

When you have any type of ear infection, it kicks in like, what's that shit where you get dizzy? I forget what it's called. Bego, whatever the fuck. Yeah, my mom has it. It's a movie from Alfred Hitchcock. Vertigo, yeah. Vertigo, you get like this little vertigo.

But the other thing you get is that all the sounds sound far away. Like, I have 3D hearing the last week. Well, it's because there's some liquid in your ear. Right. And it gets out of sync, so it's probably just... Right, it's fucking terrible. So I went to kickboxing Monday night, and I'm in there flying through the fucking air. And that's okay.

You know, I'm having a hard time because I haven't been for a week. I couldn't breathe. And I'm getting it together, and they matched me up with this fucking kid who forgot to put deodorant on. Oh, yeah, he told him. He was some fucking, I don't know from what Asian country he was from, but it smelled like fucking goat. I swear to God, every time he threw a punch at me, I got the whiff of the fucking armpit, and it was just horrendously bad. And then yesterday morning, I said, let me go at 10 in the morning because that Monday night, what I was going to do is I was going to go in the morning and see how it felt, and then go to the doctor.

I was going to go to acupuncture anyway at 1.30. So if I go at 10 and I get dizzy, I'm just going to go right to Toluca Lake Medical Center there. They have SAGS, Screen Actors Guild. So I went over there at 10 yesterday. Again, they put me up with a kid at 10 in the morning. This kid was raw. He was black and he forgot to put the yodering on.

And every time, I mean, I got armpit. I got black T-shirt and I got bad breath on every fucking, like it was a nightmare. I'm surprised he didn't say anything. You know what, man? He seems like a nice kid. I was embarrassed. It would embarrass me to say something to somebody

that you smell like a fucking goat because it's not my job. All you can do is bear with it and pray for the motherfucker. But let me explain something to you. Guys, if you're one of these guys that thinks it's cute to leave the house without showering or shit,

put the odor down the morning. Nobody needs to smell that shit. Nobody needs to smell that debt that you have on your breadth and on your fucking armpit. And for you ladies, who I see at Starbucks with a fucking thing on your head

You haven't washed your fucking hair and your pussy that morning. Get your shit together. Cleanliness is next to godliness. You understand me? If you don't wash that pussy, you're going to go to hell. If you don't wash those balls or wash yourself or put the odor on or listerine, you're going to fucking... And I got bad breath.

We all fucking do in the morning. You got to do your best you can to fight. I listerine and I drink coffee. I brush my teeth in the shower. I brush my teeth afterward. But I put the odor in on. I wash my balls. I put powder.

Lee, you know what I'm so leaves a clean fucking duties. I try to be. You gotta be. You gotta fucking be hockey. You go like that, live your life with that armpit fucking onion coming out of your eyes. It's always driven me fucking crazily. It's terrible. And when I used to wrestle kids, you couldn't really shower before practice.

You'd have to run from the end of school right to practice. And there were some kids who just, I mean, it's understandable, but after a full day of school. It's like going to Jiu-Jitsu. He put that rotten ass on my face. I would have a fucking heart. Or if I had a smell of dirty toe, I would have a full day. I would have a fucking heart attack because I don't need that shit in my life.

I would always go to those things shower. I would make time or figure it out where I could at least be showered to give my fucking guy I'm training with the respect that he deserves, you know? You got to give fucking respect before you get respect. Actually, people never understood.

I always understood. You got to let people know you're in their fucking corner. Anyway, beside that, let me see what else is going on. You got Donna, you got the fucking thing. You got him to be 50 on Tuesday. God damn. I outlived Whitney. He used to death.

How, what do you think about? Because you've said before you didn't think you were going to hit 25 or... Come on, fucking, Lee. You know, if you think I was going to hit any of this shit in my heart that you thought, I mean, you're crazy. Yeah. You're fucking crazy. I never even dreamed of 50. I mean, it's shocking.

It's amazing that God does have a sense of humor. Life has a sense of humor. Because I didn't expect anything. of these things the last two years. The CD going number one. I just, you know, the wife and having a baby, I thought that fucking ship had sailed.

You know, I was driving over here, and I was at the light over on the Laurel Canyon, and I was thinking about my wife, like why women get pregnant. You know, Joe Rogan first got his wife pregnant. Okay. And then you're talking about a guy Eddie Bravo, who I love Dealey.

He's like a brother to me, and I love his wife. but this Eddie Bravo guy was never going to have a steady girlfriend or get married. He was crazy. Yeah. Not only did he meet the girl of his dreams and marry her, but then they had a fucking kid.

And then my friend Damon who used to do the Joy Karate videos with me, I've known Damon, you know, since I worked on scare tactics with him. His wife had a baby also, Dominic. Big motherfucking kid. I mean a gigantic fucking baby. It looks like a

more man. So it was just, it was sad that I would go to their homes and see them pregnant and I would see my wife as the odd woman out. You know, it's got to be painful for a woman to sit there with three women or two women that have kids or other women

that have kids and here you're in your 40s or no kids. It was killing her. It had to be killed. Yeah, it kills everyone. Women have made the bare fucking children, bro. They don't know it. They'll keep saying. And the ones you meet that say, I hate children, those are the ones that are going to fucking bear 19 of them once they have them

just like me. I hate the children because I knew once they're around me, I love them. When a child's around me, bro, I want to give them, I want to make them feel how people made me feel when I was a kid. Because before my mother died at that bar,

I was the fucking king, you know? Yeah. And one thing about, I tell stories about my mother, smoking dope and drinking. But one thing my mother did was she instilled the heavy-duty fucking confidence. Did you see, did you happen to see the show on the UFC about Ronda Rousey, the first episode?

I did see that with her father? With her father dying. Did you see what she said in the middle that her father gave her a lot of confidence? He would always say she was going to be the sleeper. That's big when you're a parent. When you're a parent, you have to tell your fucking kid they're going to be president. You have to tell your kid they got the biggest dick in the class. You have to tell your kids.

These things. You have to, because if not, they're going to walk around. It's not the time spent with them. You've got to let them know. And I'll tell you, that's one thing that my mother had, a quality that she would say, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you're going to do great.

I would tell my mom something. And after a while, she always is still confidence in me, but it's so big as a parent to tell you a fucking kid or your wife or your friends, because I'm the most into fucking cure guy in the world. After we do a podcast, I ask you how it went. When I do stand-up, I drive home to play. Even if fucking people laugh.

You know, I'm as insecure as they come. But it's amazing how you have to take your children and the people around them and tell them, man, you're a fucking savage. You really are. And not lie to him. I don't believe in lying as fucking somebody. But if a guy that's 100 pounds overweight

that's next to you at the fucking gym, going pound for pound when you're jumping jacks. They take some break off or so. I always applaud those fucking guys. This is a gym, Goals Gym. In Hollywood. You know where it is? on Gower. Gower and what? It's in that area. Not Gower, but

it's around that area. Western Gower, whatever the fuck it is. The real crazy thing about that Jim is a friend of mine when I was like 500 pounds gave me a free subscription there. She worked there. She was the beginning of the, she moved to New York. She's a comic and one day she used to work there. And she came to me and she goes,

Joey, you know, you could come in there and work out, whatever you want. I'll cover you. It's well known that it's a fucking fool. blown gold gym, but it's gay. Oh, if it didn't west Hollywood. Right, it's really fucking gay. But let me tell you something about that gym. And besides, I went there a couple times

and then she gave me like a three-month subscription and I went every day for a while. I didn't know what I was doing. But those gay guys, I mean, the whole three and 90 days I went, yeah, there was two or three creepy fucking gay guys in there that came over and tried to touch you like,

let me help you do this. But for the most part, bro, the gay guys will come over and go, hey, I don't know what your name is. I appreciate that you're in here. If you need anything or if you're having a hard time, yell and we'll come over and help you out. Oh, nice. That's really nice. That somebody would say something like that. That's why when I make gay jokes or fags, I don't mean this shit.

I know they're just human beings and they do what the fuck they do. It's just an easy fucking target for mobos like me to make fun of fucking gay guys, but I don't really mean it in my heart. But did you know that, man? I mean, you know the gym on Santa Monica? after Las Eanaga On the other side As you're going west

Into the ocean Yeah That there's a gym there That fucking gym there Is completely gay But they have like a A milkshake stand there Oh my fucking God

Oh what are you laughing about A milk You think they stand there Wack off in the milk Let me tell you this fucking milkshakes in there They make like Meterrex Protein shakes And all bananas in them

Chocolate banana shake That will make your ass Ass will turn you gay Like it's so good You'll say You know what somebody please put a fucking cock in my ass. It can't get no better than this.

I swear, it's just hard to park there. Oh, it's impossible to park there. But 20 years ago, 10 years ago, when I moved to Hollywood, I had auditions, and I'd see, I'd go in there, and I'd always fucking get myself a little chocolate, banana, protein shake. Fucking delicious. Oh, okay.

And there's a hamburger stand down the corner. Jesus. They fry the hamburgers. I'm telling you. They call it Boys Town. I don't give a fuck. I don't call it Santa Monica. When I go down there,

I don't even know what it. it's excuse me this diet Pepsi gives you burps it's by Las santa go whatever the fuck it is yeah I mean there's a I mean you make fun of gay people but it's not like you don't make fun of everyone I don't make fun again listen I got the two transvestites across the street from I get along with them great transvestitans you're never seen them across you from my house maybe I have I have both burly she always wears like he always wears like a whatever he has long hair he's ready for action at any time he's ready to put a wig on it any time I talk to them

every fucking day. I talk to them every day and I even tell them go suck a cock. You know, they giggle at me because they came by the other day. They go, we got two printers. You want to buy one? The fuck, you people got two of everything. They had two cameras last month. I mean, she's not working. Somebody's not working in the house.

So I know they're having a hard time. Somebody got the same bull and somebody's not working. But they're two of the coolest fucking dudes in the world. I think she did the half of surgery. She's got the tits and no pussy. And he doesn't have the surgery. That's the one. That's the one. Sorry for making the noise, but yeah, that's the one thing that freaks me out.

No, I should have freak you out. They decided one day they don't want a fucking cock no more. No, there's nothing. They don't want a sling dick no more. Anything wrong with that cocksucker? It's Wednesday, motherfucker. February 13th, the day before Valentine's Day. Let me tell you, motherfucker, something.

This is the last time I'm going to tell you this, because I hate talking about this shit. Let me tell you. Let me explain this to you. Tomorrow's Valentine's Day. You live all year. You got a girlfriend. Let's say you started dating her a month ago, six weeks ago, whatever. I'll tell you what, when I was young, I would date these girls.

And sometimes I'd get them something Valentine's Day or something I wouldn't. You know what? What's it going to cost you? What's it going to cost you to make a good impression? Okay, tomorrow, today, right now. Right fucking now. What are you making noises for? Like that's a fucking motorcycle.

What? You made like a fucking motorcycle. Go to Cherry's Berries. That's where you go, right? Here's where you go. You need to do this. You call 866 fruit. 02.

Okay, but even better, fuck all that shit. Don't even pick up your phone. You might be on the phone with your bitches right now. Go to berries.com. Here's how you spell berries, because a lot of your fucking retarded. B-E-R-R-I-E-S. Berries, all right, dot com. Go over there.

Look at this half-dozen cherries. That's the one I sent yesterday. I sent everybody a half-dozen for that. Not you, Cog, sucker. Oh, come on. You don't need no cherries. You need a black cock dipped in white chocolate. You like that, guys.

It's a little sense of a freak I know. Anyway, you click on the fucking microphone happening. How do you spell happening? H-A-P-P-E-N-I-N-G. This guy's a college fucking graduate. You know why I'm scared. Go to berries.com. Click on the microphone.

Type in happening. The offer ends today, Wednesday. I don't know what it is. Just get six fucking chocolate-covered strawberry. Send it to the chick. What's it going to cost you? You eat two of them, she eats three of them. You take the other one.

You stick it up her asshole. You're eating a fucking pussy, and it gets nice and glazed, and you pop that white chocolate with that pussy juice on it, Lee. What would you do, Lee? What would you do if you ate a little piece of fucking strawberry covered with white chocolate? Miami would spin around me. Oh, like, and fuck it. It would just spin around like a helicopter shit, you know what I'm saying?

Go to berries.com or the fucking berries. Something else. It's February 15th or whatever the hell fuck it is. My flu is gone. That had one in my ear, but then I got sick on the plane. I'm telling you what? My wife, I have a, the neighbor next day. door I gave him because I have like little fucking people

I make case studies on my name. Sure, you never know. Did I tell you I gave the fucking stewardess on the way out? I was eating pretzels, those T.C. pretzels that are strong. You didn't give a stewardess? Yes, I fucking knew. She ate three of them and I was going to say something to her. So on the way back, whatever. But I'm also scared because she might fail her drug test

and then she got no job. That I feel bad about. I had three pretzels and she goes, where did you get those from? Those are pretzels. I go, no, these are better. She goes, can I taste it? I was going to tell her no? They got T.H. Siena. This bitch ate one, and she goes, they're pretty good. And they're vegan.

Those anti-Dolores pretzels. Okay. They're delicious. And they're fucking stronger than that. Yeah. I'm going to bag at 10 o'clock time. They're so fucking shit. Actually, I'm going to have to search the news now for flight attendants fucking

passing out. Fuck those shitty pretzels. She's eating those shitty fucking pretzels. What am I going to do? I got to eat the good shit I got. You know what I'm saying? It's time to smoke some reefer. I'm smoking this vapor pen here.

This is a different one than the usual list was given to me by my boys up there. Ziggy's 209. They gave me that you put the fucking wax in. This shit, people hate it because it fucks up your lungs. We got illegal substances in this motherfucker here today. Oh, shit. But before we talked about the stewardess, you were talking about on it. This is why I love you.

Because not only you're the flying Jew, you're the Jew that pays attention. The guy next door said he feels better since I gave him the shrew. and that he's been doing the alpha brain you know listen when I first started doing blow when I was 15 or 14 for the first year I didn't get off but in those days the cocaine was marketing was done to make you feel like a better human being the marketing that was done listen every drug in the fucking 70s listen a nickel bag costs five dollars heroin cost seven dollars acid cost four dollars you know what cocaine cost a hundred dollars a gram Jesus you know why they and the

marketing was genius the marketing was fucking genius. Because what they made you do is feel like a better person. It wasn't the high. Nobody said to you the cocaine high because you sniffled and put you in a different class of people. That's what cocaine did. That's what the $100 bill did.

For one hour, you became a movie star. If you watched the movie blow, they said it's accepted by rock stars and athletes, that's what they wanted. Because in the back of your mind, that's what it made you feel like. You're important. You go to a club, and chicks would come out snorting,

and people would look at them like, oh, my God. They're so special. It was crazily. It was fucking crazy, and it's very hard to explain. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. The greatest marketing skill of all time was to convince this country that cocaine was worth $100 for a gram of Coke. You know the gram looks like Lee?

You have any fucking idea? It must be small. Millions. People made millions on that shit. But my point is that I didn't get off on it. The first year, I was doing all these crimes, me and Didi Kintero and doing this and this. And I didn't fucking get off. on it. And one day I started drinking alcohol with it and I started getting off on it.

I still get fucking twits sometimes. Hey man, I bought the alpha brain. It didn't do anything. It's not going to work for everybody. That's why it comes in a small dose at first. You can even buy it in Singulars. Try it for 20 days or whatever. If you don't like it, send it back to Joe Rogan. He'll send you whatever the fuck you want back a barbell, a fucking hair. He'll send you something. So please, don't hit me back like I'm the fucking bad guy here. Not everything works on certain people. But at least you try it. There's something from on it that's gonna work for you. You know what? I stop taking the alpha brain. I take it in groups, but I opened up a new fucking protein this morning and Lee wait till you taste the chocolate protein you're gonna go Joey this isn't a protein shake. This is like a sweet No, this is a fucking protein shake

What I do is I stay on a protein product for like 30 days and I switch it I have two or three different types of protein people send me shit they want me to try shit I got to give them the benefit for the doubt if somebody sends me a protein powder or they send me a vitamin or something, I try them because why not? You know, why not? You don't know what's going to work for you. Please, people. And it's one of the best fucking products I've used.

Go to Onet.com, get the shroom tech immune, get the fucking pet protein powder, and get the strong one. You jump up and now, Lee. You got to swing by and pick up the shit. I saw you yesterday. You put, but you didn't come by the house, Coxsack. We meant to get coffee. So go, go by Onet.

Go to Onet.com. Get the hemp protein. Try it. Get the smallest size. Get the fucking on it. Immune and get yourself a strong bone. You go jump up and down on your feet. I guarantee your feet don't hurt. That's it. We're going to leave it right there, Lee. Lee, what's the music, cock sucker? You don't play no music for your uncle Joey. Where's the reefer? You got it hitting like, you know. A little ACDC was next to the motherfucking moon with Bond Scott or Power Age. Tremendous jam, Lee. A lot of people don't know about this. down the line.

Oh shit. You're gonna get some of this movie? Is there any left or is it your tiny little roach? It's a big number for you. Entry and wishing he was home in bed. Dream about Casey Jones. Oh shit. A little ACDC power rage before highway to fucking hell.

Let me tell you something. They're doing a movie about Bond Scott finally. And a lot of you motherfuckers don't know the power and the pizzazz. I seen ACDC opening. up for fucking Ted New Jets the Garden August 4th, 19-70 Here we go. Superman was out of town.

Superman was out of town. Who fucking writes like that? Gunn and Rose's. I haven't even back, sorry. No, this is fucking ACDC. This is Power Age the fifth album out of Australia. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a

suicide, oh shit. It's he love, what I want. What else? You're sitting there with a fucking beard. You're looking like the guy from Seinfeld. You're stone. You're not stone. What are you got going on?

Which guy from Seinfeld? I don't know. A little fucking Jewish guy. Oh, George. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Get up. Get out there. It's a day before Valentine's Day.

I was thinking about 85 when I lived alone for fucking the whole year. It was the year before I was getting ready to come to Colorado. I remember being by myself. I was fucking alone for Valentine's Day a lot, Jack. A fucking lot. I'm an ugly dude a lot. I only have, like, if I'm 50 next week, I probably had

like, you know, beside my wife, you know, because nobody wants to be alone on Valentine's Day. But you're alone on Valentine's, and we got this little bra on her stay in the same. You got to rub that helmet on her face when she's sleeping. She's my friends. She'll completely. We're all friends, but a little Sukhala Meek never heard nobody. We got to wake her up, put that

little dick in her face and just rub that little little Jew Yama on her face and she'll wake up. What's this, Lee? You know this cock sucker. I don't think that's what most people want on Valentine's Day, but who knows? Listen, what would you add to? Be lonely or wake up to somebody rubbing your face with a cock? Be lonely.

I'm not saying, like, if you were sleeping on the couch right now and some chick called into the window, rub that monkey on your face. Well, that's different. Even if she weighed 482 pounds, you'd suck that fucking monkey and tap it just because it's Valentine's Day. You know what I'm saying? Well, that's a romantic in me. I don't think girls think the same way. Boy, you can buy a chocolate later on.

Later on, you go over there like Cupid, dressed up with a diaper and a fucking bandana on, and you give us some chocolate. Okay. Nobody wants to be alone on Valentine's Day, but it's not the end of the fucking world, is what I'm trying to say, people. Go to a movie, entertain yourself.

Next year, you'll have a Valentine's. Trust me, you can't be fucking single for the rest of your life. You know, when I was a kid, I always wanted to die like Charles Bronson. Good fucking luck. Who wants to die alone? You know what I'm saying? No. Nobody wants to die alone.

I like these people. I want to be single. Yeah, good fucking luck, my friend. There's nothing like talking to somebody in conversation. This is not all about fucking all the time. But I talk to some people nice and not. I love talking to my wife. Believe it now, I like talking to her sometimes.

Not all the fucking times. Did you do the trick when you were young that you would break up with girls right before Valentine's Day or Christmas? No. No, you didn't do that? What am I, some fucking puke? You know, I was lucky to have a date.

If somebody was willing to look at my dick, I'd do anything. You know what I'm saying? Somebody's looking to look at your dick. You do fucking in. Let's give some shoutouts to some bad motherfuckers out there. My main man, the podcast pit always out there. My man, Todd, Extreme Pain, Just James, 20CC, J.D. Souther, Raider, Dave, Derek Spraw, Duff, Sam,

and my name James Kenemore. I love you, cocksuckers. Let me tell you what happened to me the other night, Lee. Because I love when this happens. That's why I love the fucking computer. I love when I'm at home at night, and I'm writing when I'm returning emails, and I take 30 minutes. After like 45 minutes, I know to get off the computer.

Okay. Because it's a law diminishing returns. You're not going to... For me, for some people, they might last an hour and a half writing material. If I see myself for an hour and I've written two things on a fucking piece of paper for comedy, it's time to get up and do something else. It's not going to happen. I sweat it out sometimes because I know that...

If you read the art of war, not the war of art. Yeah, the war of art, there's two different ones. It tells you that you always have to not give up. You got to hang when you're writing. You got to stick it out in there because the last five minutes was when you'll get three or four jokes. So, I don't know. I get fucking bored.

You know me, and I click on to YouTube. And for some reason, I click on to Guns and Roses, live from the Ritz. Don't click on to it yet. Okay. 88. And it says full constant. me when we were looking for it this morning it's just full concert

and I put the full concert on I put my earphones on I smoke some fucking half a number and I got something to drink and I came back and I put you know did what I did I'm sorry to say it backwards I'm fucking I fucking let's stop getting me high in the fucking got to get bad influence I'm gonna call the Jewish antitrust lead

and I started listening to this concert and watching it you know I'm gonna lie to you people I'm a big motherfucking fan of the song Remains and Sam. I'm a big motherfucking live fan of Pink Floyd Live at Pompey. There's some live shit you can just never duplicate. You can never. I'm a big fan of Unleased in East by Judas Priest.

It's brilliant. Nobody puts a live fucking Alam out today. Nobody, because it's tough. It's tough to maintain that shit. Let me tell you something, guys. And when I put it on the other night, when I put on Sweet Child of Mine and put it on Twitter, I don't know what time it was.

I got 50, 60 people responding to me with different responses, and all of them were correct. But everybody gave the majority of responses I got was people saying that it was a brilliant concert because it was good and bad at the same time. Fucking click on to Sweet Child of Mine, this guitar. You've seen the video.

Now, it's pretty tough to sound like this live. Listen to this shit. That's amazing. Are you watching the music? Yeah, what's bad about this? It was so dirty And it's so We'll continue this later

Is my main man answer that Good morning Oh shit, it's the man What's up, brother? How are you, my friend? The coffee talking to you, I'm good Thank you very much for calling in For people don't know

This is the man Mr. Rocco or Pisi Rock will give him a little bit of your background And look at Lysayat The Flying Jew is sweating already because he can't wait to talk to your Rocco, so give us a little background there.

Let's see. Fred was actually music show called him a night special. Which you had everybody on there. Oh, yeah, we had everybody. It's, you know, Marvin Gary. We toured with Dillon's Rolling Thunder Review. We did Bowie in London with Ziggy Stardust.

You had Aerosmith on there? I'm sorry? You had Aero Smith on there? Everybody. Everybody. Everybody. Well, the only bands that wouldn't do it were the Grateful Dead, the Stones, Deedis Court, and Zeppelin. But we pretty much got, and the other one I was sorry we never got was Jack Stevens.

In fact, I went to meet him, so I thought maybe we were going to get him to show, and he waved me into his office, and he sat down, and he played his favorite. duet and that was Marvin Gay and Tammy Terrell's um he was a real RMB fan and I'm not sure of course I met prior and Carlin oh see Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin and then when I left midnight I approached Richard did the TV series and he did a special and we did that short run NBC series that he quit over controversy. And that was kind of a snowball. After that came SCPV and Olegman

and my association with HBO, Suzanne, Jamie Fox, my long, fortunate run with George Carlin in which I produced and directed 10, the last 10 HBO specialists. So that's in a nutshell. You're a bad motherfucker.

God damn. Lys Ayah, hit him up with some questions for this man. Hey, Rocco. I don't know if you know if, but Joe, I first heard about you from Joey when you were on his last podcast. And he, the first thing he told me to do is go watch Jojo Dancer, which is the Richard Prior movie that you directed with him, and voted and directed with him. And it just... Well, I didn't direct it.

He directed it. Oh, he directed it. Yeah. We wrote the script in, I got a phone call, and he said, what are you doing? I said, I'm on the toilet. He said, and I make the shit come to Columbia, but I write a movie together. Yeah, we went to Hanna and wrote that. We wrote that in Hanna.

I phoned in Hanna, and we used to meet every morning. And by the time I came back within three weeks, we had written about 100, and 60-some pages. Jesus. And for most people, a page is a minute for a movie, so 160 pages is a long movie. But it just blew my mind,

and I started working with Joey because I love comedy. And just to, I have your IMDB page up, which I know probably isn't even full. But... Yeah, I never go there, so I don't know what's on there.

Over 10 George Carlin specials and all the... Yeah. all the other movies and Robert Schimel and it's a... Yeah, Robert was a great comic, by the way. Great comic. It's just... A great comic and a good friend.

His passing is very hard to pick. And Gary Shandling and Joe Piscopo and it's just... Yeah, well, Shandling, that was Shandling's first special, and his magic time was Brad Gray. Of course, when I'm doing Brokstein Gray, of course, now runs Paramount. I see Gary once in a while. I had done with him about three years ago. I haven't a big Gary Shandling is one of the,

he's a brilliant writer and an incredible talent. He just, he just doesn't come out of the cave. You know, I don't know what, you know, he's reluctant to do television again, which is kind of sad. And then I did a

just for last for HBO, and that's when a person at Jerry Seinfeld. Wow. And just for someone like me who's at the very beginning of its grade, just so it's, uh, for people who don't understand, and I,

and just because I don't fully know either, is there anyone else who even directed five of someone's specials? Or, like, is, is, is that something that's even heard of? It doesn't seem like it should be.

Well, um, in terms of, um, in Carlin, you have to, you have to factor in, uh,

two things. First of all, nobody does 15 specials anymore and he did 15 for HBO I was fortunate the last 10 so in terms of me

individually I don't think to be another guy that does 10 specials with one guy I mean that or a woman I just think that I think

Joey will agree to this the golden age of stand-up started in the 80s when HBO was a network trying to find an identity. And they went in the direction

of comedy and stand-up comedy for several reasons. One, they weren't in the business to do scripted shows or had a budget or the foresight to do it because they were young and they were new. So what happened is they just started, you know, they did Robert Klein,

Eddie Hissard. I mean, you look at the list of stand-up comedians. That was the golden age of standard comedy. I think one year I directed a Kylan, a Billy Crystal, and a Whoopi Goldberg, all in one year. And the reason that was fun

is because when you do a special, you get paid well and it's over, you know? And you have all these wonderful relationships. That's how I met Whoopi. That's how I went on on their executive producer talk show. So it was those relationships

that that were built. during that era. Now I think what's happened and it's a little more difficult, Joey knows I'm working with two terrific girls and Carly and Donner, they're extremely talented. But the marketplace is loaded. You know, it's hard to keep track of who is next. And I think that that era is over, much like, you know, the golden age of rock and roll was from, you know, the 60s to 70s. So everything has an evolution. I think we'll see something or something of all

or somebody will come through now because, you know, and Joey knows this. My first love, I started out in the music business, but my first love is stand-up comedy because anybody who can stand up in front of people and I think they can make them laugh, and, you know, every 10 or 15 seconds, got to be nuts. Absolutely.

I love them. I love them. They're all crazy. Joey's crazy. They're all crazy. I got a question for you, Ron. When you're directing a special, what are you looking for from the comedian? And what is the comedian looking for from you?

Well, my attitude about I'll just take, I'll just take, I'll take any guy, but let's take George in particular. Before I did a special with George, I went on the road with him. I saw the act that was 65 minutes or 70 minutes be reduced to the hour that HBO required. and then we went down a comedy and magic. So I put a lot of pre-work in there, and the reason I did that is I wanted to know the act as well as he did. And when I did the show, from a director's point of view,

I only blocked the opening and the closing, and the rest of the show I just winged it. I went with George. I didn't direct George. George told me where to go. So I looked at it as music. You know, we used to stage the carlain shows like rock and roll specials. We gave it size and big production because I think he deserved that.

You know, he's an icon. He deserves the best. So I just followed his lead. So from my point of view, it's all lyrical to me. You know, a comedy is jazz. It's a form of jazz. It has a rhythm, tempo, it has its own. everybody has a different rhythm.

You know, Rodney was boom, brum, brum, right? Richard had stories, and he weaved stories in and out based on his life experiences or his point of view. Everything George did was written, word for word. Everything he said on stage was on the page, and his genius was, you never knew that. You would watch him, and you forget, that everything he did on stage,

every word was on the page. And he worked hard to the point where if he said, if the H.P.L. said he wanted at 5830, you could set your clock. At 5830, that guy walked off stage. Now, I don't

know if it was his last special or not, but he opened with, I think it might have been his last special. He opened with an amazing, like, it was almost like a spoken word, like kind of almost poem. He was described himself and it was just I've never seen anything like that before it was his last special are you talking about modern man yes the modern man was the second last

special yeah that's the and the irony of that is that we always would discuss what the set would look like and he there's a famous graveyard when you come in from from New York you see it on the parkway you want to reproduce a graveyard. So Bruce, and Bruce Ryan and I came up with a graveyard set, and it turns out to be poetic, you know, second last special. But modern man, I think, is probably maybe right now when you read it, or it's as good as anything he's ever written.

And he's very sick, by the way, that show he, We did the dress rehearsal. We always did a dress rehearsal on Friday. You know, we videotaped it in case during the live show, something happened with the uplink and the satellite went down, they could always punch him the tape show from Friday. And after the Friday show, we were very concerned that he may not come out. He was very sick.

You know, he was a warrior. You know, you have to love what you. You have to love what you do. You have to remember, it's a job. But you have to love your job. And the ones that are successful loved their job. There's no accidents. Nobody just makes it because, you know, you've got to work at it.

You have to really be dedicated to your art. And when you're around people, I've been blessed. I must say, I don't know why me. I've been very blessed. And I learned a great deal. You know, I went to school as a kid and Richard Pryor. And my girlfriend's had something very interesting. I said, you know, Marine, I'm very lucky.

You know, Pryor and Carlin, she said, Richard probably trusted you because you were young and innocent, and George trusted you because you weren't. I think that's true. But you're talking about modern man. Yeah, it's pretty special. I'll tell you, Rocco, you're a bad dude. Just being around prior, just the education.

even when I talk to your son, Jay, and he says he remembers Richard at his house or whatever, just being around that genius. I'll tell you a good story, yeah, I'll tell you a good story. Remember I was really young, I was like, what, 24? That's all I am. Yeah, and I, by the way, by the way, he called me a nigger once in front of his friends.

They didn't like that. You know, it's like you call me a wok, you know? Right? Yeah, it was very fun. Anyway, he invites me to his house for dinner. He calls me up and he said, and he always had this low voice. He said, oh, it's Richie. What are you doing tonight?

He said, oh, man, what's up? Have dinner? No women. She's like, oh, my God, I'm married at the time. I think this is going to just be not a good idea. There are sitting at the table. There's eight of us. The only white guy there, sitting two chairs down from me.

is Miles Davis. Doesn't say anything during the dinner. The other gentleman at the table is the great Oscar Peterson. During dinner, Miles says to Richie. Hey, Rich, who's the cracker? So that's the story to talk he spoke. But then we went to the room, and, of course, Oscar Peterson played for about an hour and a half.

Look, you know, we all have our stories of all. You know, Joe, you have yours. And if you spend, you know, I've been spending time of Richard Lewis. I've been working on a documentary with him, and, you know, we spend once a week, which we call the Hooker's Lounge, which is debarrow at the four seasons on Beverly Hills. It's about 1 o'clock,

somebody pretty shows up and sits at the park. I sit there and listen to Richard, and I didn't know the Richard Lewis is a big Buster Keaton fan. Buster Keaton and Lenny Bruce are his inspiration. Now, go figure that. Carlin had Lloyd Byron. You know, he, uh, he, uh,

he, uh, he, He read Lord Byron and Oscar Wilde. I mean, they all have, everybody has an influence. You know, Richard was, was, was, came out of a jazz love. You know, if you must go back and watch Richard's routines. You know, he's, he's doing Charlie Parker. You know, these guys, um, these guys were unique. I tell Carly and Downey all the time, if you want to really be,

you really want to be where you want to be, you have to appreciate the roots and the people who started this. You know, we forget that back in the Catskills, when they started all the stuff in the late 20s and 30s, there was no, there was no rules for comedy. You know, guys like Chaplin and Keaton, and they invented it. And then, of course, you love talking about Burrell and all those guys in the Catskills.

I mean, they invented this form. I hope comedy keeps reinventing itself. And there's some really funny stuff on. You agree, Joey? Oh, my God. this great guy's working it's funny that I always

claim Richard for opening up my eyes to stand up but the guy that really destroys me is Lenny Bruce when I watch Lenny Bruce for hours hours I can watch that well you know listen without Lenny Bruce

and Lenny Bruce doesn't say fuck and get arrested you know we don't have this this conversation somebody had a Somebody had to fall on the grenade, right? Somebody had to take the hit for everybody.

And that's why he's so revered and admired. And he did it. Yeah, George. Anybody I work with George, Richard, named him whoopee, all of them. They go back to Lenny. You know, he is Babe Ruth. He was Dave Ruth.

And that is the, and that's the person who opened the door for everybody. And I think that that's, you know, that's easy to understand, and you paid a price. Let me tell you. When I heard, was it something I said, and the nigger's crazy, as a Cuban kid. You know, people have to understand where I was coming from.

You follow me? I learned English, and I was trying to learn good English, Rocco. I'm trying to learn English, and I'm trying to fit in an Italian neighborhood in New York, and then in New Jersey in the early 70s, and I go to this Puerto Rican's house who was on. on heroin, and he's nodding. Rocco, he's fucking nodding.

And I'm playing basketball with his younger brother. And we go in his room and we're listening to the Beatles. And this junkie comes in, he goes, what the fuck you guys listen to? I had to be maybe eight, Rocco, maybe nine. And he puts on, is it something I said? And, you know, the other one where Wino meets Dracula. And Wino meets the other guy at the railroad death pole. He knew Jesus.

he told him not to go down there messing with them Jews without no money. The first time, Rocco, do you understand me? My fucking head almost exploded. When I hear the Winole meets Dracula, I've played it on this fucking podcast because it is something that is so craziness and so absurd to me. But then on the other hand,

I hear the brilliance of, I don't know what the special I put on by George Carlin because they're all on YouTube now. Well, because I think part of the thing that I'm in mind But I think I think that makes people who do this art. I think people forget that comics see things in a visual. They have a visual camera that constantly clicks. They see images, and they see situations, and they kind of, they absorb them,

and they kind of turn them into a moment. I'll tell you, one of the funniest moments I ever experienced Richard, and it wasn't on TV. We're standing in Hall at NBC, we're blocking. Remember the one on the page? Yes.

She played a... Yeah, she was... Oh, my God, she was hysterical. But she played... What's a famous role in the page? On Esther. I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. She played on Esther, correct?

Yeah, and she also was... She did some bits on fire. He loved her. Right, right, right. So, we're on a break, and we're empowering Richard and we're setting the shots. Here comes Billy Barty. Now, if you didn't know who Billy Barty was,

Joe, I tell you, Bill Barton, today he's called Little Person, but back there, back in the day, he was called the Midgets, right? So I see Billy Barty approaching, and his, Richard's back is to him. He tugs on Richard's jacket. Richard turns around, and Billy says, Hey, Richie, how are you doing? And Richard says, hey, Billy. Have you bumped in any good pussy lately?

And what the guy said? Now that line I gave you was as fast as he delivered, but look what he did in that two seconds. He saw a little person that was below his waist. And the very first thing he says, not hello, how you're doing, what you're doing? He says, hey, Billy, have you bumped in 20? good quissy lately. Now that

is not only funny in terms of wine, but look how visual that is. You see that joke. Hey, Rocco, I've been thinking about something as I've been listening to you talking. How important was it for you as a director and a writer or how, even just

working with them, have, can you talk about the relationship you had with it prior and Carlin? What Joey and I do, and we did it yesterday for the first time in a couple weeks as we met at a coffee shop and it's supposed to be talking about business but we're talking about five minutes about business and then he spends 45 minutes joking around with me

but how much of what you did was because of the love you had for the people you worked with? Everything and I think the other thing that I have learned here's the one thing I learned from Richard. I never you never you never um

he always encouraged open expression. He never wanted us to edit ourselves. I remember in a meeting or a very first meeting said, I don't want anybody to edit themselves in this room. Whatever you have to say, you have to say. Whatever idea you come up with is great. And Jeffrey Byrne raised his hands and says, I have a sketch called Don't

to Darkie. And that was, you see, but that was embraced as funny. he wasn't offended by that that was Jeffrey's way of saying okay if we're going to be out open here's my idea well the minute somebody releases that unenhibited releases that look what it does to the room look what it does to the atmosphere and the culture of what we're doing people come in and say what they want see if the great expression is freedom you have to be able to communicate and to express yourself openly without fear of repercussion. And that's why sometimes

you'll, you know, if you're working with the right person who embraces that, then you're working with a person that really wants your participation. Nobody's tougher to work with than Lily Palmer. Nobody. She's tough. But she's gracious. She wants you to be, she wants you to be able,

she wants your participation, she wants your help. And the other thing you have to be with talent, is completely honest. They may not always want to hear what you have to say. But that's your point of view, and you have to express it. You can't express it later. The worst kind of person is, well, I knew that wasn't going to work. You can't say that.

You've got to say it at the moment. I don't think this is right. I have a problem with this. Now, ultimately, you've heard of the show. You are going to make the final decision. But if you're surrounded with people are just telling you what you want to hear, here, it's even in my position. If I'm directing, and you're my AD, and Joey's my producer, I don't want them telling me how great I am every day. I want them to tell me what's not working.

Yeah. And it's funny that you brought up being tough. A lot of people in my age, and everyone else, but especially my age, I've noticed people don't like working for bosses who are tough. And I'm not going to sit here and tell you that Joey's been completely easy to work with. like because no one because he people like him and and i don't i know he'd hate if i compared him to richard but people like that they're not always going to be the easiest to work with but it's the most rewarding at least so far for me and it's uh it's it's crazy that that people would give up or or or or just not work with them but you have to you have to roll with it and that's what makes them special because he's honest yeah you know uh uh

The biggest ego is the show. It's the show, it's the film, it's the play. That's the biggest ego. You have to service that ego. Because when you're mounting something, you want to mount the best thing you can mount. But you have to service that. You have to make sure that that's being serviced,

whether you're the star of it or the director. You know, that's what you service. If you're always kissing somebody's ass, it's never going to go. anywhere. No. You know, so listen, I've said things during my course that people don't appreciate, you know. I've had my cussos. I got a little stat where Roseanne, but it wasn't over a personality. It was over a different, you know, a different opinion. And you have to express that opinion. But I will tell you this, I have never had, and I don't know why, I can't tell you, I have never had a

major confrontation with any comedian I've worked with. Never. I've had disagreements. I've had discussions, but I've never gone to the point where, you know, I thought that person was a complete asshole or they didn't want to work with them anymore or that person went behind me back and got me fired. And I think the reason that is, is I really do believe this. You have to be upfront and direct and you have to be honest. The minute you lose, you're a director, and you lose the trust of your crew. I'm going to tell you something, Rocco. You have to be, you have to respect the person you work with, and the person has to respect you.

And from my point of view, there's not enough money to pay me if I'm being disrespect. I'm going to tell you something, Rocco, you hit it on the head with something. But this kid across from me, two years ago, I was dead, Rocco. I was going to get a job selling cars right here in the Valley. I was going to keep auditioning, and I was going to do stand-up locally. And he hit me up on Facebook, and we started talking, and we met, and we started doing videos together. And it's really weird, Rocco, it took a 23-year-old kid to get my career turned around. We've released an album.

It was number one on Billboard and the charts. We released four storytelling things, testicle testaments. And it's been him pushing me. You follow me on this, Rocco? Yes, sir, because I'll tell you something. you can you can you can equate this to sports there's never been a team of all rookies or all veterans that have won a championship

it's the combination of youth and experience and I think when you get to the point I'm working on a lot of really young people you know Carly and Donnie and I our relationship is very unique they're young and they're making mistakes but you know something that's what they're they're supposed to do. I'm there. I'm there to make, you know, they're going to trip. I'm just

there to make sure they don't fall, you know. And when you're, when you have a combination of that, and I understand, I mean, I'm not, I understand, I've come to a certain point where I'm getting respected, but I don't think about it. I don't think about it. And the fact that somebody wants to say that about me, that's really nice, but I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm not working. I want to keep working. It's about to work. This is about work. All the other stuff doesn't matter. You got Emmy and Mike and whatever. All these awards,

they're just, they're just, they're just trophies. They don't mean really nothing. Yes, congratulations for doing a great thing. And you get an award, but awards are objectives. You know, how does I go knock the nominee for Academy Award? I don't understand that. But that's what, that's what, you can't, you can't ever, you can't, you can't be in control of that.

You won an award, you don't win the award. not going to change your life. What's going to change your life is how you work, how you approach your work, what you do, your love of what you do. And I think that's all that matters. At the end of the day, that's what you have anyway. So I see that you're going in this direction. It's right. I've done the same thing. It's nurturing. They give because they want to learn. You give back because you have learned. and when you share and you combine those two energies

how can it lose? You know, you can't. It's in any, any walk of life. You know, I got a basketball team my Cavaliers. They got four the youngest rookies around. They're all going to start in the classic, and there's a rumor

when the Brown will go back to Cleveland when he's done in Miami. He's the missing link if he goes back. A team that can't make a playoff this one super star veteran to blend with those kids and look what happens. No different than you working or me working with with enthusiastic, bright people who want to learn and are giving you everything that they want to give you and you give back.

And I think it's great, Joey. It did turn your life around. When I saw Carly and Donnie in that mic, three year and a half years ago, one in the morning, I never thought about getting into management, but I said to them, myself, I want to be involved in something from the ground floor. I like these girls. I think they're talented, and I'm going to go with them. And now things are starting to happen.

And it's really rewarding. It's probably one of the most rewarding things I've ever experienced. Because, you know, when I met prior, he was a star. When I met George, he was a star. When I met Billy, he was a star. I met Whoop, he was a star. I met Rozier. He was going to be a star.

These kids make it. Look how rewarding is a star. that is for me, and look how much fun I've had, seeing that happen. It's the same thing you're doing. Rocco, I don't mean to knock you off. How old are you now, Rocco? I don't go there. No, I need to know.

Why? Because I want these motherfucking youngsters to see at any age the enthusiasm and the heart you have for life. And I run into 20-year-olds that I'm moping around with fucking sandals on, you know, telling you how bad life is. And I'm on a phone with a guy that's remotivated. me and I know that I'm gonna be 50 next Tuesday and you got a couple years on me so I got some years on you're a bad motherfucker uncle Rocco honestly I got a few more years on

you but here's the deal I'll tell you why I I'm aged to me my mother told me this you know I'm I'm the son of immigrant parents who married who had me late in life they uh they both were married before they both locked the first uh spouses when they remarried my dad was close to 60, my mom close to 40. So I was raised by very, very elderly people. And the one thing that they were was they had a lust for life.

They really did. I got that from my mom. And I think that carries over, and my dad was a past master, but he was a really a kind man. And I think those influences carried me over. I've had my problems. I've had my tragedies. We all have those.

You know my history, Joey. And I have a son, you know, who's finally found himself. It doesn't matter when, but, you know, you know that if a person has a good heart, a good person, and has a love of what they do, they will eventually get there. So thank you. But what keeps me stimulated are these conversations, being around young people who are so enthusiastic and want to learn. And I kind of feel bad for them in a way because it's much harder. But you can't let that get in your way. You have to believe that you and your voice will be

heard. That's all you have to do. And you have to work at it every day and you get a break. And look at Joey, you've been around a while. You know what's happening. You know, you resided your engine. You didn't quit. You could have thrown in the towel, but you didn't because you you love what you do. Isn't that true? No, I'm like Richard Gere, an officer, and a gentleman, I got nowhere else to go. And you're dead.

I got nowhere else to go. Rocko, I love you at all my heart, brother. I will call you next week, and I want to put a special again, and I want your name on it somewhere, Rocco. Yeah, by the way, you never told me your name. My real name? No, no.

Your friend's name. Which one? you guys been talking to me oh my name is lee Lee Lee Sirene yeah and I call him the flying it's a pleasure talking to you well I can't

I can't explain how I'm amazing that was to just listen and talk to you I told when you were on the first podcast I must have listened to it five times in two days we're gonna get together for lunch and I'm gonna bring them down Rocco all right yeah we'll have we'll sit down and talk more

Joey thanks for thank you but no you're back on in about three weeks I love you, Rocco. You're a good man. I'm going to stop by Jay this way. You too. Love to show. Bye.

And we're going to switch right to another call. Yo. What's up? What's happening? Oh, shit. It's my brother. Oh, shit. Listen, for you people who don't know, it's Ari Shafia,

and this is very special, and I'm going to tell you why. Hit him. Tell them why it's so special, Ari. There's no other person in the world I would get up this early for. And I got to tell you, sound fucking. I try to get 10 minutes early no you sound really good I've listened I've seen you on a plane in the morning you don't do too fucking good yeah he doesn't do too good you sound what's going on

buddy what uh how's the DVD doing tell us about this divvy fucking day Lee has watched it twice and he loves it oh yeah it I bought it I bought it like I'm a Jew too so I bought it the day before for four bucks but it's awesome save a dollar yeah got it Why would you waste the dollar And you could just save the dollar Because these Christians Don't know what they're doing What else is going on, buddy

How you been? Passive aggressive Okay, and where do they find it at? Not DVD, not DVD, special. Special It's online. Chill.com Go to chill.com.

It's a fin. Get out of it. What else is going on, buddy? How you been? All right. Okay. Hung out of the empty state signing hall. How was that?

It was fun I like watching college kids All right And where you're headed to to right now You're gonna go home to sleep Or you're staying up Fuck yeah It's a good fucking day

To eat a nice bagel And go back to bed Smoke a half a joint Nice and stoned Yeah yeah yeah yeah What'd you do last night I went out Oh my God

I'm stoned to the gills I'm hitting some wax this morning I got from the chill 209 guys I am fucking wrecked I was sitting here Listen to Rocco going What the fuck Was it your birthday yesterday, Ari?

Happy birthday, buddy. Thanks, dude. I'm going to be 50 next Tuesday, the 19th. What? 50. Ficking 50 next Tuesday. So I'm going to have... What happened to be 100?

Huh? 100. I got a good chance. I got a good chance. Especially if I keep smoking dope, I'm smoking it. Even if I have like a third of a lung and I'm connected with another thing and they have me on my channel 4 news, he made it to 100. bunch of old people smoking dope.

I got some like 90-year-old sucking my dick. It's a party. Oh, wouldn't that mix with some heroin, mixed with some lead zeppelin? Forget about it. While we're out of it, let me hit this fucking vapor pen. Yeah, I like this little. This is an illegal substance, but who gives a fuck?

We're on national television. This is what Charlie Sheen can't do on anger management. Who's better than me? I'm sitting here talking to two Jews smoking wax. What the fuck? You know what I'm saying? Where are you next week, buddy? Then I'm going to Long Island.

You're going to move to Long Island? No, I'm just going to look for an apartment in Manhattan, Brooklyn. Okay. Are you working the club in Long Island? Yeah, yeah, governors. Governors is a great club. I love Mark, man. Mark and his wife are good fucking people.

You know, I worked for all these club owners, and he's the only motherfucker that called me Christmas Day. Oh, really? Yeah, and he was like, hey, man, I can't. wait to have you back in May, and I'm like, what the fuck? I'm working with this guy from me. This guy calls me on fucking Christmas Day.

I saw him in Montreal. He's like, I think we're trying to get it today to get to work. I was like, yeah. And he goes, you know. Yeah, yeah, he's got the locale right in the fucking green room. You got to love it. Really? In the green room? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a great little club, man. You know, it got a bad little name

for a while there because it was run by that management company who a bunch of fucking MOOCs anyway. But Mark took it over, and I think Seinfeld's been going back in there, and Colin Quinn, and a lot of guys living in Long Island. All the takes is a manager to switch up a business completely. You go to a restaurant that's good for a while, then all of a sudden it starts sucking, and every day it sucks all the sudden. You're like, what happened? They got a new manager.

They changed the fucking shaft or the menu or something, the ingredients. I can't stand when a new manager comes in. Remember when we were at the store, and Shelley came in with that thing that you couldn't smoke pot on the property? You want all the employees and the community to sign a waiver saying you would not smoke pot. I just crinkled it up and through that as disrespectful as it was, but that was disrespectful what she was doing to me,

telling me I can't smoke pot at the comedy store. That's like saying you can't eat pussy at the bunny ranch. You know what the fuck? Don't take warm-up swings and batting practice. Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking miserable mutton? She was gone in like 10 days after that. That's right.

Who's better? Look at my man. best Andy bad Andy who's better than me I'm talking to two Jews and smoking wax that's it I want you to call in more Mondays and Wednesdays and we do a special one on Yarmica on Hanukkah for Sunday so that's when I go to all my favorite fucking Jews calling up

we might do one this Sunday You do one for a special Jew holiday You should do one for Jew holidays Yeah yeah just for special Jew holidays Everybody's happy If it's like if Passover falls out on the Thursday And skip Wednesday just do a Thursday Fuck yeah that's our name

new rule. We're covering all the Jew holidays. We're going to get a fucking menorah. We're going to get Jeremiah. We're going to leave Jeremiah and leave the door open. Nah, the Jews don't partake in the summer. They take off like after March. They're like, fuck it. It's too deep. Oh, shit. Talking about the Jews, you know what

today is? What? Ash, motherfucking Wednesday. That's why the Pope quit, because he didn't want to give nothing up for length. I still got a cock-suck-gag-gag-gag-gag-gag. That's why the Pope. quit that dirty motherfucker. He didn't want to give chocolate and fingers in the

ass up for length. You know what I'm saying? He quit. I like that he quit. Yeah, he just tapped out. He's fucking, he tapped out like Rampage. I ain't coming back, bitches. All right, Ash Wednesday, is six weeks before Easter, and you give something up for the suffering that, you know, like you give something. I don't know what I'm

giving some up yet. I was thinking I'm giving up edibles. Shut up. Except for Monday when I bury fucking Lee and his father. I got to make a deal with Jesus Just to I don't know I gotta give something up

I don't know about the edibles I gotta give something What can you give up What can you give up one of the cats Nah One of the cats Already fucking died I already fucking died

I already gave one To Jesus What Yeah Finney died The older one died About a In fact there'll be four weeks

This Friday Please my wife is just getting over Please What are the other ones Do they like Leave it alone Or just sits there No no no

It didn't die at the house We had to put them down We had to put them down but fidel is fucking beside himself Sissy's okay Once he came up with Fidel and Sissy She he's he's beside himself He hasn't been the same

Nobody to give him baths nobody attacks them You know how that goes Oh really? They're getting leeway Yeah so he's pretty sad Hey did it work that way in prison too? What's that? When a cat died Somebody lost a loved one Wait listen

People gonna fuck you in the ass Whether or not things are going good in your life you know what I'm saying? Just always remember that. No, your mother dies, you're sucking double dick tonight. You know what I'm saying? Oh, no.

Your father dies, you're sucking three dicks on a dead ball. Fuck it. So what's the webpage they gotta go to you, dirty bitch? Chill, like chill out,

chill.com, or my website. There's a banner on top there at Ariagrete.com. But yeah, I'm selling this own TV. You're doing one, too. Not CD.

Fucking special. You're doing one too, but... Hopefully I'll do it. one from a fucking prison. Yeah, it's the best idea. He told me that. He was like, we were talking with the guy,

you know, the guy's like, we want to do different ones. They did what Maria Bansford and her parents just apartment just in front of the two of them. She goes, I want to do one in prison. And I was like, oh, you got to get Joey Diaz. So the next day or something,

I saw him again. I was thinking more about it. There's nobody but Joey fucking Diaz. You know what? I just got caught up in a fantasy of sucking Maria Banford's tithes. I don't know what. I swear to God.

I like Maria Baffin. She's cute. I would suck a little skinny pussy. Skinny chicks got good pussies. Don't get to, like, those bony chicks. Their pussies are thicker than everybody else's. It's like they got extra protection around their pussy. You got a pussy like skinny like Jesus, like bony, like ribs.

Her pussy is like a big thick steak. Like it's thicker. It smells different. I like all that dirty shit. I'm talking to the floyd. I'm talking to the Jews. Who the fuck? If I'm not going to be dirty with some people, I'm going to be dirty with Jews.

You know what the fuck? It's just like this drama. Extra lean is not always better. That's right. My man over here was telling me something interesting yesterday, Lee Syatt. He said that it would be so hard for me to get into Israel. Because I got an idea, Ari. Nobody has ever gone to the wall.

Everybody always goes to the wall and puts notes in there, pray for it. Nobody's ever gone to that wall and put a $100 bill on that motherfucker. You go to that war and fill that motherfucker up with 20s and tell him I'm going back to the track. what you need to do. Nobody. So I was thinking of going over there. Fuck, yeah.

Going over there, going right to the wall, I'm putting a hundred in there. What? How are you like me now? And he's like, you don't remember. Hold on. Hold on. What's happening?

What the thing? You put a fucking hundred in that wall. Those fucking Jews won't know what to do. But he was saying it's very hard for a Latino or fucking non-Israel. Well, I've only flown at all, and they give even Jews a hard time. Do you think you'd have to fly? through Europe and like Hyde or especially

with his record? The record might be a thing. Yeah, his real history has a long history of accepting criminals. But then they missed, I don't think they took Maya Lansky. They didn't take my, well, he was too much trouble. He offered them a million cash, and they told him no. Then he offered them like three million. And I'm like, well, think about it.

We'll get back to you. And they're like, no. They wouldn't let him. Then Argentina wouldn't take him. It was fucking crazy. Remember he offered Israel? Money. Yeah.

They were that was amazing because you think they would for money they're not going to fuck but okay we need it we need it by weapon They had a guy in my high school He played in my basketball team his younger brother The bad kid sold bills whatever we did It was like in nine killed they bullied some guy and caught the one guy and then my friend's brother since they had money They just escaped to Israel and Israel took them and said here the option to you got to do your time In a prison in Israel or you can serve four years in the military I would love to join the military at this age.

You should just give orders. Get down and do 10, Cocksucker. That's how badass Maya Lansky was. They'll take anybody if you're a Jew, and they said, nah, you just don't know. Yeah, I got to look that up. I think they turned down Maya Lansky, his own country turned them down for something. We've got to look it up. And that's it, Shafia.

I love you, Coxsuck. I'm happy to see these going well. I'm happy. You're happy, and you're doing well. Yeah, that special is really good. I'm glad I looked at it. It looks really cool. I don't do any of that cheesy shit.

No, I'm excited. I just had Rock or Becee on the guy I directed Richard Pry's specials. How did him do it? He directed 10 George Carlin specials. Yeah, I've been talking to him. In fact, he came to me... He came to me two years ago and asked me about the prison, but he wanted to do a special with a couple comedians.

Me, Dary, a couple of us that got locked up. Now he's just going to go single, so let's see what happens. What would you do it? What prison would you do it? Which one were you at? I would like to do Boulder, like a Boulder County Jail. Like, I would like to do the one where I shot the longest yard in, where they had the, that's a good prisoner shoot at.

And I would like to shoot it also maybe in a jail in Northern California. Here's the beauty of it. When I shoot it, I'm going to, the movie I'm shooting with De Niro and those guys gets released November 15th. I'm going to release this November 18th, the day that I got arrested for kidnapping Kent Vela. it's a 26th anniversary. Why not take it deep and meaningful? You follow me? I love when I tell people from Canada,

they're like, hey, when Joey Diaz coming here, I'm like, Joey Diaz can't. They're like, oh, why? I'm like, you know, arrest, felonies. And they're like, Canadian laws are so stupid. People have DUI law. I was like, one DUI by asking how they can't get into Canada. And I was like, no, no, no, don't kid yourselves.

Yeah. That's a different. That's a different. Like, oh, I had two beers instead of one and a half. I didn't realize. To say, no, Michael Jackson. This ain't thrill of Cox. Yeah, exactly.

He's a hardcore. All right, so you're in town next Tuesday? You in town next Tuesday? A week from Tuesday, yeah. All right, my wife wants to have a get-to-get in the afternoon, so leave it open, some happy hour or something at the house or somewhere. So leave it open, all right? Okay.

Or d'Urubs? Can I bring some pigs in a blanket? No, no fucking pigs in a blanket of that at my house. This is like a doce hors d'oeuvre night. You got to eat like celery sticks with fucking, with whitefish in there. Like white, oh, nice. Oh, nice little piece of white piece. You know what I'm going to take you to?

I know what I got to take you to one day. A nice kiddish. A nice kiddish. After a synagogue service. Where? They put the white fish salad out. Oh. And they put little cookies and cring and herring.

Oh, some pickled herring right now. Good. Googly-moogly. You like pickled hair? Yeah, I don't know. 30 Jews are trying to shake hands and say hi, but they're all eye on the table. Like the herring's gone. I like that white fish with the cream.

Yeah, the white fish. Or the herring come in the cream. Both of them? No, the whitefish comes in the crate. The hairy is just like, I'll let it get it. I bought it one time in the jar that wasn't that good. The place I used to get it in New York was fucking delicious. I don't know what they did to it.

Everybody else, they don't know how to make it out of here. He's got some of Jews out here. They're no good. I went to a Cuban place. Last time I was in New York, went on Yelp and found for $10. It was the most delicious food I've ever had in my life. What did you have?

I had this drink. Delicious. It's called Nagabanzo. It's called, I forget. My mom used to make it when the winter come, because it's so fucking thick and healthy. I forget what it's called right now. I'm on the top of my fucking head.

Anyway, who gives a fuck? What did you come over on? A raft? How did you come over? A plane, a plane, a plane, a plane, a plane. 66. My parents had a little bit of loot. And in those days, you could still fly to Miami.

you still knew some people. You had to know like a congressman or a senator or somebody do paperwork for you. And by that time, my parents were all in. They were here, and they were here. But they were here way before 59. Okay, they opened up their first. Yeah, they opened up their first business,

like in 55, 54. So they were here way before the revolution with Batista. Well, a lot of people don't understand is that when Batista got overthrown, they were delighted. Batista was the biggest thief. out of all of them. Batista.

He put in the government? Oh, Batista was horrible. He's the one that divided the country. He's the one that caused all the poverty. You know, the country was making money at the time. It was one of the number one tourist attraction, but he was keeping all the fucking money, man. They still had, you know, my family grew up poor.

My mother's family grew up with nine kids in a fucking shack. My father's family grew up money. They're from Kamauway. But, you know, when I talk to my uncle, he tells me stories, he's got tears in his eyes, you know. They grew up fucking poor, but it was. if your skin was a little dark they were very prejudiced in Cuba

very prejudiced yeah very prejudiced one of the most set of prejudiced fucking people you ever meet you know so it was it was it was very different back then you know my mother already had a kid here what happened

the blacks the black oh yeah Cuban type black a lot of black and they're very prejudiced and then once you got a little like a suntan they were like have you seen my uncle my uncle my uncle is not black, but he's like a Mexican dude.

He's like Felipe. They fucking tortured him. You know, they would torture him. So my mother, no, my mother was very white, you know, some of her sisters, but sometimes you're on, this time a little longer, and the skin gets affected. If you see my uncle, you're like, he's not black, he's just fucking Spanish.

But they didn't give a fuck. If you weren't completely white. If you weren't completely white, they hated you. But wasn't everybody little Spanish? Everybody's Spanish, but the fucking slay. mixed in. So that gave it a different flavor. So the darker you are, the more slave you are? Yeah, Africa would bring the slaves there and have a market.

You know, Cuba was the marketplace for the slaves, and they would take them to different places, and a lot of them got caught down there, and they became slaves, and some people fucked them like they did here, and that's why, you know, a lot of black people have the last name, Washington, and Jones. I don't fucking know, Ari. What is this? Black History, Marks. That's what, uh, who it is? I had this thing with Larry Johnson, and we're going to play each other and he goes, hey, it's great, we were on the same plantation.

Why? I said, yeah, I do you think we got the name Johnson? We worked for the Johnson. Came from the same owners. That's where Johnson, Jones, all those fucking Washington, you know. That's a complete different history lesson. All right, what are you getting the black people riled up for?

I remember when I saw, the first time I saw black people could tan it, and then I was working at Arlington National Cemetery, laying pipes down, to water the lawns and uh there's women something he uh he was like yeah of course black people can tan

I'm like what do you mean how and he goes look and he takes his watch off and it's lighter it's lighter black skin underneath I was like oh my god I had no idea I thought you just stayed that color all the time you know it's darker you're a sick fuck I don't know right you're sick as what he's to do

and waiting for the truck was so fucking hot in the D.C. summers there was no shade open graves before they put the bodies into them inside the cool graves. Can you see my face right now, Ari? I am disgusting. We're going to do that,

and then sometimes when he would come, Chuck would come and he'd come and come out of the graves like we're vampires. I was like, yeah. When I was a kid, North Jersey, there's a lot of cemeteries, and I used to cut through cemeteries in the daytime. And sometimes if it was hot,

I'd do a line of coke and lay in the cemetery grass and get sun tan, you know, and do that fucking last line from snowblind, lying snowblind in the sun, just to mind fuck myself, but I never got in a whole cuck sucker. Yeah, that, and after we laid the pipe,

to set them off, because big, big fields, you know, left and right, around the international, it was a big gigantic, you know, in order fields, and we put the sprinklers on, and we would just run through them.

We were just jump and run through them. It was so much fun. We're getting in trouble, though. They were like, guys, people are buried here. Guys, respect. There's fucking people dead here. How long did you work in the cemetery for? Just one summer when I was 16.

Tell the story. When is your next storyteller, Shok, Sucker? I just thought, I just got the deal memo. When are you doing it? When are you doing it? They're picking up the date. I don't know. We're going to look at locations downtown.

They're doing it. Whatever we do it, Wednesday, so people will be in town. All right. Well, we had to cancel a laugh factory, but we're probably going to bring it back up in April. Do like a Pink Floyd type show. And that's it. I got to get out of here, Ari.

I love you at all my heart. I'm happy to see these selling well. Where can they go get it again? Chill.com. Chill.com, bitches. Five fucking dollars. Go there today. Support that squad.

We'll keep fucking give you content, jumping up and down and showing you our dick and everything. I love you, Cuck Sucker. Have a good day, and thank you very much for calling. Throw a kiss to your fucking Jewish buddy there. Saw right back to bed. That's right. Have a good day.

All right. Talk to you later. Stay back. Now that's a fucking podcast, Cocksucker. Oh, shit. We don't fuck around here at the church of what's happening.

I want to thank you guys for coming on and watching and support us and for you guys for downloading. And members, subscribe. We've got to get people fucking listening to this shit

and people. What do we got this week? And we're not doing one on Sunday. We may. We'll let you motherfuckers know how we feel because your dad's coming Monday. Saturday night. Saturday night's all.

Monday's the big podcast, banana bread, the whole fucking thing. We're going to have some chick dancing on the pole if you don't fucking get it together. And February 27th on a Wednesday, I'm at Ice House doing Testicle Testaments, 626-577, 1894, call for tickets.

And then the 28th through March 2nd, I am at the Brea Improv. So five shows. But you guys have been bugging me about this, and there's two things. It was two things I wanted to talk about. Oh, real quick, thank you for all the emails I got yesterday on the commitment thing. Little commitments do become big commitments.

And I'm happy that you guys saw that number two. The webpage is out. Joeycoco-deas.net. It looks great. Joeycocodeas.comodias.net. Joeycocodias.comnet. Tour dates, t-shirts. We got hoodies on there.

We got a long-sleeve shirt for you guys. We got everything there. Don't ask no more. Go support the long-sleeves. T-shirts, or one of them is a podcast t-shirt. I get to give Lee a couple fucking dollars so you don't have to do this for free every fucking day. And

mugs are coming also, too. Oh, shit. We're going to start having some coffee mug so we can all drink coffee together. I'm going to get a croup from up here so we can live like fucking doctors, and that's it, man. Listen, guys, it's Wednesday. Have a great fucking week. I know that we should see you before fucking Monday, but we can't

be, whatever. If we could, we'll do something Sunday for you. If not, have a great week. Stick to your fucking goals. Write your goals down. Start a workout, you know, write. Take a chance. Whatever the fuck you want to do, you can do it. This is your world, cocksucker. What do you got for me?

I got some sound garden for you. Hit it, baby, you bad motherfucker you. Onet.com. Go to Onet, and don't forget, today's your last chance. Like right now, when you can be for it. Right now, go to fucking cherries, berries right now, and cut this shit, cock sucker. Stay black. Berries.

How do you smell it? B-E-R-I-E-S, and you're putting happening into the box with the microphone. And it's dot com. Stay black.