The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 02/20/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #57

Episode Date: February 21, 2013

Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida's Manager Ed Soares calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount. Streamed live on 02/20/2013

Oh shit. It's that motherfucking time again. The church of what's happening now. Uncle Joey, we're in the afternoons today. Because Lee had to drive the old man. They went to breakfast. But it don't fucking matter. The church is still here full of peck, bitches. Little Black Sabbath, Children of the Great.

Blast that motherfucker Lee. What? Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Motherfuckers. I love it. Wednesday, February 20th. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive.

A little cold, but who gives a fuck? You're alive, cocksucker. Myself, Joey Diaz, and my main man, the baddest motherfucking. Look at the flying fucking Joe. Show him the muscles. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What the fuck is going on?

Great to have you guys coming into our world. Four o'clock. What is it? Three o'clock show. Six o'clock on the East Coast. Half of years are sitting down to eat chicken cullets of mashed potatoes and cream corn. Fuck it. I interrupted that.

shit. That's my favorite East Coast meal. What is mashed potatoes? Chicken cut. It's sliced thin like a motherfucker. Bredded. Double-bretted. I love that. Flower and fucking Italian breadcrumbs. Bang that motherfucker out with some mashed potatoes, a little cream corn with some jalapenos in that motherfuck. Cream corn? Cream corn? I like regular corn.

Listen, we're ultra-vite. You know, we're just fucking, if you show up with the good corn, if you show up with regular corn, we think I'm going to throw you out or stab me in the neck. Fuck, no. You're still going to sit, dang? little cranberry juice with some club cell in it. That's called Living Like a fucking Doctor, Lysayette. What the fuck you think you're dealing with?

What's going on, baby? Nothing. It was fun having my dad here, and as you know, I got way too high. We fucked them up. Thanks to you to my people. Bang, chocolate with your little bite, 100 nary milligrams. Listen, we cut it up three ways, and I took like 60 milligrams, and I chopped the other 60 between the other. No, you get, let's eat money.

Stop, stop. I must have eaten 80. Yes, yes You guys got 30 a piece If you got 80 then You got 50 a piece Who got 50 apiece? If it's 180 and you got 80 That means we each got 50

50 So that's a half of what I got No What I left here Your dad was trembling Yeah He was trembling when he hugged me You were just giggling

And then we're gonna go to the track And I had something to do And I couldn't get out of it And I go let me call Lee Lee was fucking Hi How you doing And he wouldn't talk to me

So I knew something was going on. It was very vague. Like, what's going on over there? Nothing. What are you guys doing sitting here watching TV? Yeah. And then later was when he broke down. He's like, I fucking puked.

I got sick. I didn't puke until after that. The house was spinning and shit. I just made it to the couch. And for whatever reason, whenever I have do edibles, I can, like, feel, like, I feel like the blood. I feel like mucus in my throat or whatever.

And I sat in my, I was sitting in my couch, and I was thirsty. And I took a sip of water. and I had eaten at that point but I didn't eat before we smoked and I don't know for whatever even as soon as the water hit my stomach I was like this is bad

and I started dry heaving a little bit I was in my nice new couch I was like shit I can't puke on this shit and I was and I did again and then I was able to stand up and of course my entire body was fucking trembling and I made it into the kitchen which is linoleum or whatever finally

you peaked on the linoleum I puked right on the floor did you clean it up And what color was the water? Tell these people. The water was green. The only green water came out. The only thing that was in it was little black chunks, which is the un...

We don't fuck around here, people. You want to run with mad flavor, these people who tweet. That's my life to hang out of mad flavor. I'm done. I fucking bury you in an edible. Done. These poor guys were done. When I talked to them at six, I thought you guys died here.

Like fucking... Yeah, you called the cop. Like the cop, Donna. I thought you guys just shot each other. He said, fuck it. Those things are strong, brother. I love it. I love a good edible.

Like sometimes I eat an edible and go to kickboxing and the adrenaline kicks into the fucking edible. And I go deaf. I mean, I go fucking deaf. I'm throwing sidekicks. I can't hear the fucking time music with the snakes and the fucking... All that shit.

You're just doing sidekicks in the state. Oh, my God. I get fucked up. But I love it. I love seeing the fucking devil. You know what I'm saying? I'm a Catholic who love seeing the devil. Sometimes you got to see the devil

just to make sure everything's all right. You follow? Yeah, I... Did you see the devil? Fuck. Do he show up and finger-banging the little fucking muffling?

Probably when I was puking, but I told my dad because we had we had plans to go to dinner for his birthday. And I told him before I came, I'm like, Joey wants to get you high. Maybe we should go out

on Sunday to that place. He's like, no, I want to go. I'm like, these fucking edibles. And like 20 minutes before we were supposed to leave, I was finally able to, like, if I had tried to drive before that, I probably would have. How old was he the other day?

He turned 60. You're a good man. You got him up here. He's down in Florida where fucking suicide was invented. And you got him up here and you had a couple days from thank you. You're a good fucking son. No, yeah, we had a good time.

You're good. And he had a good time. We got them fucked up. We took some pictures. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. You got to take care of your parents. You know, when I talked to my friends and, you know, I was telling my wife yesterday

and I said, if you didn't, the chick I was married to years ago, she had a really nice family. I mean, they were very white. You know what I'm saying? Like, they were very white. They were in the arm in the fucking Air Force and shit. But the family was very nice, and the kids always had beef with one another. And if they didn't have beef, like, the three boys didn't talk to one another. You know what?

I don't want to hang out with a family don't talk to one another. Like, when three brothers don't talk to one another, I want to hang out with those mutts for them. You know what I'm saying? Three girls, the girls were always at war with each other. Oh, that always happened. Yeah, but they didn't talk. They didn't talk for years of time over dumb shit with the fan. You know, I can't deal with that.

Like, I told my wife, I go, if you weren't as close as you were with your family. family, I wouldn't have married you. I don't like that shit. Really? Yeah, I don't like that shit. You know, how the fuck are you going to... Listen, not everybody's going to like each other. God ain't going to put two brothers to definitely, and there's going to be disagreements. But you meet those creepy fucking families and people are going to know what I'm talking about. That like you're asking me, you talk to your brother, I haven't talked to my brother in six months. How the fuck do you walk around and exist? How the fuck do you walk around and I check up with the people that you grew up under the same fucking house with? All right,

maybe you don't like the guy, maybe, whatever, but at least call his fucking wife, call one of his kids, you know, you got a nephew. And how's the old man doing? He's still stubborn. I brought your name up at dinner. But you know what I'm saying. Yeah. I have... When I lived in Boulder, I hung out with this kid, Danny. It was a great neon guy, and he worked with this guy.

He had a partner. And the one day, the partner went up to him and said, you know what, man? Can I ask you a personal question? How come Joey comes over you every day to see you? You sell drugs? And he's like, no, I'm a fucking... He goes, that's amazing that you have friends that see you every day and stop. You know, he had a shop.

His area was wide open. So I would just pull up, go in, get him. We'd smoke a joint in the car, and then he'd go back in, and we'd talk about what he was going to do for dinner. He's my goomba. That's what you do with your fucking goombas. He fucking told the guy, he goes, you know what? Me and my brother aren't even that tight how you guys are.

And Danny told me that man, he goes, that fucking mutt. You know, I don't want to hang out with that shit. And I appreciate people. Like yesterday, I went to the doctor. And there was a black chick then. She brought her mother to the doctor. She said she moved the mother out here from Jersey. You know, you know how fucking.

hard that is to have your mother moving house that's like a permanent fucking cock block there's so many fucking disadvantages of you know when you get to be a man and your mother moves in and you know let's say you have a wife and kids yeah they help out with the babysitting shit but they give you fucking tremendous ear beatings just the time you took to have your mother I don't have a mother I don't have a fucking mother so I'm talking to you like if I had a mother I know that she'd be living with me right now I know that I'd be feeding her and putting up with her shit driving her the bingo and listening to fuck I have a buddy you met Loebbs

Lobs, a stutterer Fucking Loobes is 49 years old He still lives at home with his mother I would die to be able to do that I tell people all the time Move home Cut this shit out Moving out

You ain't proven nothing Unless shit's getting your dicks up If you're getting your dicks up that much In your new house Let's say you live by your own And you fucking chicks Or chicks are fucking guys eight days a week They're still gonna suck your pussy in the car

In front of your mother's house Move into your fucking mother Move in, eat that home cook cooking You live in the back You get that old small all bed back, your feet hang off and shit like, I like seeing my mom's coming in April, but I couldn't

I don't know. You couldn't live with it now? No, I don't think so. I can live if they live on a different floor. See, if they lived on a different phone they had their own floor, you know, it would be good. If they're right fucking next year, I could see what mom's going to, you know, they're fucking pain here. You could pull it off. Most guys, girls are like, that's like

starting to be the main thing, girls. Like, they don't want people who live at home still. I mean, you could pull it off. You're just like, fuck you. Fuck you at home Listen man You gotta be happy on your own Yeah

You know I have a friend that's dating a guy that lives with his mother And she doesn't He's like he's a grown man He doesn't even know I exist I've never met the parents He thinks that if he has a girlfriend The parents It would kill the parents

Get rid of that fucking guy Or the guy's giving you a great story Like I can't come over Because my parents would die if they met you There's a difference when you're taking care of And when you're being taken care of Right There's a big fucking different

But you know what? They took care of us. So now you've got to take care of them. You know what, man, my uncle's a fucking pain he is. I love my uncle. The first 35 minutes of when I'm with my uncle, my mother's brother, he's great. Then after that, he starts talking about Cuba. My mother was a whore. You know, she had a boyfriend when she was 18, so she was a whore.

You know, I mean, you don't want to hear that shit. Jesus. So after like, I mean, he doesn't say it all the time. It's always something about the family. The cousins, the nephew. You know, he always goes off on somebody, you know. and he was telling me one day when they were young that the three girls

you know he would never allow it but that my grandfather let the three girls have boyfriends and they were 17 and he knew what was going on in the living room what the fuck is wrong with you you're going to bring it up to me now 80 years later she's been dead for fucking 40 years yeah that's crazy

so I understand what it's like to have the family on top of you like you do want to fucking stab him after a while but if you keep them to a distance like Terry my wife I tell her all the time I love to move to Tennessee with her. But my wife will tell you, she will not move back

to that same fucking town as a family. Oh, really? No, two hours away. She wanted some close enough, but not right there where they could just drop in and give you a fucking earbeaten

about who's running for president and the economy and guns and how the West, you know, you don't need that aggravation. Yeah. Well, I don't feel no fucking different being 50 years old. If that's what you're going to answer.

Nothing at all? No. Who gives a fuck? Did you end up doing anything? You just hung out? I'm the dick. First off, let me tell you how I started the day on my 50th fucking birthday. I went to the doctor to draw blood.

Yeah. All right. On the drive day, I said, you know what? I've been getting a lot of fucking needles lately. When the fuck am I gonna pass out? So I get to the thing and right away, whenever I go to a doctor's office for a blood test, if they see me real quick, it's no drama. Once they say, I have to sit there for 10 or 15 minutes, I start thinking.

So they didn't have my blood order. So they had to call the doctor and get the blood order. Then I'm going to keep it. came back, I had a sign everything, giving my credit card, the whole fucking thing. Then I waited for 10 minutes. Then I went in. Now, I got a little bit high. You never go fucking, if you don't like needles and shit like that, don't go to the doctor high.

Me, I don't give a fucking mom used to it. So I always want to walk on a tightrope. So I just took a couple hits off the fucking number. And I went to the doctor. Right away, when she put the needle in, I felt it, which I never fucking feel it. I felt it. And I fucked with my head. And since it was two different blood orders.

They wanted to check something for an allergy. they, it was a longer needle. They had to switch needles and shit. Jesus fucking Christ. I went to get up in that room, spun on time. I lost all the color in my fucking face. They had to put a bag of ice in my head

and one of my neck, like I got beat up by Anderson Silva. It was fucking amazing. I got up. It took me like 30. I left to go get blood at 10 to 9. I got home like 10.35. Yeah, you call me like in 10.30.

Like, I just woke up, man. Oh, it was fucking crazy. I fainted for a little while. That's what you get for me throwing up. Cocksuck. And then we were going to do a couple things. We were either going to go to, like, our main thing. We were going to go to eat at, like, Lowry's steakhouse in Burbank,

the one we always go to. And I'm like, you know what, man, just because it's an expensive thing, it don't mean it's going to be good. We were going to go to this Mexican joint that has paella. We got there, and they didn't open until 12. I hate eating it with the lunchtime crowd. I either want to get there before. So as I'm getting there, I'm getting the fuck out.

I get there at one. I don't like eating at 12, especially when I eat out. They compete with a bunch of fucking mooks online talking about stupid shit and they got to get back or whatever. Yeah. What are you looking at, Lee? What's on the screen that you're fucking looking at? What is that? Nothing.

You're looking at fucking something, cuck. I'm just waiting for the phone call. That's all. Oh, you're waiting for a phone call? Who's calling you? At worst. Who's calling you? Nothing.

Oh, you're waiting for a phone call. Yeah, just waiting for the phone call. I didn't know. I thought you were looking at some porno on there. I caught you looking at porn or doing a little fucking jujacked under the table. Dirty cuck something. What are we talking about here? You're trying about your birthday.

Oh, so then we're going to go eat. We went for this Mexican, enjoying nothing. We were going to go to a place in Hollywood that has nice spaghetti with the sauce and the fucking regard cheese, the whole thing. Oh, nice. We want to drive all the way to Hollywood. I remember we was spitting yesterday. Oh, yeah. Like I didn't know what the fuck it was going to do, which is the worst thing.

And we ended up going to P.F. Chang's in Burbank. Oh. I got the ribs. I got the pork fried rice. And we got a soup when we split everything down in the middle. I like it. And then I went home, and the weirdest fucking thing happened. I know all the fucking people in the world, I got to call from Damon Zwicker.

My brother Damon, he goes, what are he doing? I go, nothing. I go, you're not working? He goes, no. Are you going to be home for a couple minutes? I go, yeah, he goes, I'm coming all with the baby. He has a son that's 14 months old. You guys who don't know Damon's Wicker.

He was the camera guy on all the Joey Karate. He's a good friend of mine. He fucking shows up with a Carvel ice cream cake. So me, my wife, his son, the baby, and the cats sat around. We sang happy birthday. We had a piece of Carvel cake, and that was it. That was my birthday. Nice.

I went to kickboxing at 8 o'clock, and then I went into the spot at the Ha Ha Ha Cafe. That was it. But it was a great fucking birthday, because I spent it with this little fucking girl and my wife. I never had that before. That was the first time I spent a birthday with a family since 1970-fucking-9. Wow. And, you know, all the birthdays, like I said in the documentary, when we did it, that when somebody close to you dies as a parent or a grandparent, you know, you live. make it through life,

but it always tastes like it's like eating food with no salt on it. You know, life isn't the same without somebody like, my mom died when I was 16 so the birthdays

were never the same. The other day I was thinking about when I went to get the bagels and shit, how this is going to be the first birthday I was going to have with family. So it was very fucking cool.

That was what they're cool. Congratulations, that's all. We didn't do for that. Listen, man, I've done it all in my birthday. I've done it fucking. I remember one time on my 17th birthday,

I went down to this 20-second Street, there's bar across the street from the cemetery. It's still there's another cemetery. If you know Paul in Union City, it's the county morgue. Okay. It's Vineri, my buddy, that has Frinopal. It's his competition. You can't even mention Libisholama around those motherfuckers.

But that same bar that we had a fight in in high school, we used to go there. We were 16, 17, 15, and cop T.C. Crystal was in Union City, New Jersey. Okay. And there's one birthday. I got a call to go down there. Let's get some T.C. crystal. So I got in the car with these dudes. I don't remember who it was, but I went down the 22nd Street.

And I did like, usually you took a $10 bag, a THC crystal, which kids, it's fucking horse tranquilizer in those days. It was like, whatever the fuck they call that, Angel Dust. Oh, which is. But you snorted it. But you could take a $10 bag and split it three fucking ways. Okay. So there's one that I went out and split it two ways.

Me and some other guy, and I went home, and the Exorcist was on. Regular television. It was like on an off channel. Like in New York, you got ABC, NBC, and CBS. No Fox in those days. Oh, okay. But you had W-O-R, which has the Yankees. Okay.

And you have W-P-I-X, whatever. One of them has the Yankees one. W-R has the Mets. W-N-E-W has the Yanke, whatever. And then Channel 5 had won the Ram on and all that shit. But one of those stations had it on. And I'm putting in Master Reality, the album we just had Children of the Grave on,

which has, like, fucking Into the Void and all these masterful fucking tracks. And I put the earphones on to listen to Master's. Master reality But I was watching the exorcist at the same time And let me tell you something my friend I fucking shit my pants I turned that thing off and never listen to Master Fucking reality again

You think I'm kidding you That's how scary that album is to listen to On that angel dust That was my 17th birthday I'm fucking sad That's my 17th birthday I was doing fucking angel dust like a fucking mook You believe that shit in this day and age

You're gonna fucking sit there Are you gonna put some fucking music on Hit me with a little on and on. I'm in the move for heavy metal today. So I was going through my collection. I'm in the move for a little fucking... There was a band called UFO. Okay.

And before that, Rainbow and this guy, Michael Shankler, was the brother to the fucking guitar player. But he left Rainbow, and he went to the UFO, and they put a couple good albums out in the fucking 70s. Then in the 80s, he went solo. And then, like, 89, 81, he had two albums. He had the first one. Then the second one came out, like November of 81.

Michael Shankner is a great guitar player. He plays the can't. I go up there and watch Mary once in a while this is on and on hit it fucking Lee you and we're smoking dopely it's all over I don't want to hear about pukin when I came and I go we're eating edible I can't eat edible no you're back on Monday you're only taking a sabbatical I'm done with edibles what Lee oh shit Lee you want it on this no I don't know how you can hit off that's long what the fuck you gotta get your finger you got to burn your fingers you know you condition

your fingers to do you gotta stick your finger up like crack hose asshole And it puts the acid from the crack that goes on your fingers and you develop a foot. Hit it leave. I got no place to hide. Nowhere to run. Hit it leave. What's up, baby? And the vapor's back.

We got the eureka. This is the blackout OG. Are you fucking kidding me or what? That's how we do it here. The church was happening. I always mixing it up for you. Let you know what's fucking crackle-lack on the word of urbage. Oh, shit.

I took a little breeder off. from the vaporizer. Why? Just to get it back, just to make, because I was smoking a lot. Oh, well, yeah. Now I'm going to start smoking the vaporizing, and I'm off the fucking trees for a while. Now I'll switch it up, like a doctor, see, you got no fucking worries. Who loves you more than makeup?

Is there any science to this, or you're just like, fuck it? I'm done with this for a while. Listen, there's always science to it. You know what? But you got to, life is what? What's fucking life? In moderation? Smoke weed for a quarter of the year, and you smoked the vapor pen for a quarter of the year.

You smoke weed for a quarter, and you smoke the vapor pen for quarterly. You got to use your coconut once in a while. I think moderation is when you don't have it. I don't think it's when you switch to it when you're getting fucking the stone. But that's moderation when you don't have it. You got to, you know, one, two, three, four, five. Thing turns blue, and now you're fucking gazilla off with this monster of death. Oh, gee.

No, I'm all set. I've got to go to work in a second. Mm-mm-mm. Oh, shit. Come take one. I'm all set. I'll take a roach and I'll put it on your eyeball With all the blood tests you've been taken

Have they just take Has someone taken you aside to be like Joey we've never seen so much weed in someone's blood They don't test me fucking THC levels You can't test for THC? Yeah you can but they don't test for that Unless they're told for tests unless you're on probation or something Look at Lee losing weight with a little physique on

Let me see the smoke come out Oh shit Look at Lee blowing Fucking bazookas like snoop dogs Jesus Christ I'm Stoned to the good Let's give out some shoutouts

Lee You're fucking killing me here How about a shout out to my man Andy Rosebrook Corey Lee Jeff Hamburg Ill nasty You bad motherfucker

You're on there arguing with people all day Trevor Demis Rob D Dead Squad Connecticut Another guy arguing with people I love it But Patrick McKay

Joe S and What's her name my girl Jill Himitsu, the sexy little fucking half Asian with the glasses, the Gemma of Dets Squad. It's got a new webpage, go to it, checks out all the schedules. Hashtag shows.com.

Jill Himitsu, you sexy little fucking savage you. What else is going on me? What are you? You got no stories, you got fucking nothing. I fainted that the doctor's office. It's all over. Yeah, fuck it. That's it. President's Day. What's the next big holiday leave? Fucking Easter.

Oh shit. Yeah. Easter. I don't know anything about that. I didn't give up shit. shit for lunch. I just won't eat meat on Fridays. No, I just won't eat meat on Fridays. Okay. I'll stick to that. I'll stick to it. I didn't eat sushi this week either. I just made it.

I had some fish tacos, cereal for lunch, some oatmeal, and tuna for fucking dinner with some wasabi on and some green onions. Tremendous. What's the reason behind, is there a reason behind not having meat on Fridays? Listen, what is this, Jeopardy? You know what I'm saying? Unless you got a yardstick for me, I ain't answering that fucking question. You didn't learn anything. Sitting there with a fucking Jew flag behind you.

asking me about why will you fish on Friday. It symbolizes something. I remember what it was now. I'm fucking stone. You can't ask me that shit now. I don't know what's going on right now. No wonder that none wanted to beat you up. You weren't paying attention.

No, man. It symbolizes something. I just like giving something up just for myself. I don't, you know, nobody's not telling me what the fuck. You give something up. You know, I just give it up to myself. I have a good time. Yeah.

And that's 40 days, right? It's a little bit over a month. Something like that. Okay. Something like that. You know, you just got to. go and you give it up on Fridays that's it. I know people put them

something, I'm not going to drink. You're going to tap out. Who gives a fuck about that? You know, you don't give up chocolate. I knew my friend Marilyn used to give a chocolate. Catholic fucking people are crazy right now. There's no Pope. He's going to get charged of murders or something. I don't fucking know. What's it going to do with me? I have a belief in

my heart. That's all I have. It's got nothing to do with the Pope and all this other shit that goes on. That's it. I make it easy. Have you taken your daughter to the church yet? No. No, no, no. In front of the church. Not to church, not yet. She's too fucking young. Okay.

I'm going to baptize her eventually. When I don't fucking know. I got like nine years to do it. Oh, really? I don't fucking know. You know, you got to do it like Michael Corleone. They're a kid and you shoot people while she's getting bad. That's what I wanted.

I want to baptize and settle all fucking scores. And I think I am going to still do that, but I haven't decided. Oh, Jesus Christ. You got to have a good time. Yeah. I kind of have a fucking good time. I can't believe we're here. I got an acting coach to help me with my movies.

Oh, shit. You know, every time I've done a movie, I go in there, I do the work myself. Whatever work is done, I learn the lines. I try to figure out a character to. But again, like I said, I got a face to Niro face. I got no fucking theatrical background. It was a theater in New York. This is just me.

This is just flavor. And acting, I'm just going to keep this motherfucker real. So I'm going to go see this guy this Friday and the following Friday. Yeah. And I've been writing a lot. So everything's good. I've been working out. I feel good.

My bones feel good. Strong bone. the protein shakes. I've been staying out of water. Spoke to Brody Stevens yesterday. He's also doing well. Oh, good. You know, the whole thing about doing this

is to stick into something. You know, making a schedule. You know, having a schedule is so fucking important. And I always knew that, and I went away from it. And now, if you go to my house and I show you my little yellow notebook, I have the schedule to the minute. My wife can't figure it out.

My wife looks and she goes, I don't believe this. I have, like, a weekly schedule and then a daily fucking month. schedule to the minute, you know, and I just, whatever, and I stick to the schedule as much as I can, you know? Yeah. You know, sometimes you're oversleep.

You know, some nights I get up at four, and I write until six. Sometimes I get up at 1.30. Yeah. And I'll write till, like, four. I won't go on Twitter, and I'll go, let me lay down for a half-hour, and I'll go on Twitter. And I sleep until 7 or 8, people get pissed off at me. They think I'm slacking.

No, I got up to writing them in all night because I was thinking about shit, you know? I was going to call you this morning when I got home, but you hadn't tweeted yet, so I'm Like shit, maybe the movie still sleep. What time did you get home? I was going to call you last night when I got in from the ha-ha. Okay. You know, it's funny because I'm trying to write the testicle testaments is in two weeks. And the four testicle testaments that I basically put up, you know, two of them were after comedy and going to prison and stuff.

But the other ones were like pre when I was a kid in high school. Yeah. This one I'm writing about now is 1984, like I told the fucking old editor when he called you a dead. And I've been really writing this. and it's really been tearing up my insides. You know, like when you write something, it's making me remember about all the bad things I did that year. It's been tearing up my insides,

but I've been writing good jokes from it. So sometimes, and that's what I do. Sometimes they're like Tony Hinkler called. How's the joke writing going? I go, you know what? The joke writing's going good. Thank God I'm writing drama. Because from the fucking drama, you know, the ad,

like some of the shit is so fucking bad. But not bad in the sense that, like, I killed somebody, or I raped somebody, You lit somebody on fire. It was crimes against myself, which sometimes are the worst fucking crimes. When you become a whore or when I say a whore, I don't mean I was sucking fucking dicks. When you just don't give a fuck, I was living for the score every day. And that's a weird way to live.

But if you really think about what I do now, it's the same thing. Yeah. You know, I live to do comedy at night. With this shit, I was living to steal or to sell coke or to make a move every day. And it's taught me how to adjust to this. That's why when you ask me, what are you doing next week? I don't know. I'm living life of motherfucking today.

Once today's over, I tell you about tomorrow. Somebody called me to me, go, hey, we'd like to get you in for a read on this. I go, can we go, can we get you in? I go, call me at 705, and I'll tell you my schedule for tomorrow, you know. So it's pretty fucking interesting. This shit killed herself, and I want to talk about that. It was very sad this week. Oh, the singer.

Mindy McCready, she was a friend of a friend of mine, and he had contacted me about three years ago when she had done celebrity rehab. He was telling me about how her fucked up she was. They dated when he lived in Nashville and blah, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, people are exploiting Dr. We'll get an exploit. They're mad at Dr. Drew. Yeah.

And I'll tell you what. When the show first aired, I considered calling him up and tapping out or getting on. Way before Dr. Drew had anything to do with it. Joe Rogan wanted to do a reality show with me where he would get me cleaned up. Okay. Check my blood levels. would do all this shit and the production company was ready to go I'm the one that backed out and it because reality wasn't around yet and this was just a little bit too real oh yeah

yeah because I'm coming to my house at two in the morning with a camera I'll fucking kill you especially when I'm coached I don't give a fuck what it says on that camera on that contract you know and what I it was like the the fact show that they had celebrity fat show whatever the fuck club yeah they give you $90,000 for whatever it is eight weeks and you only see them twice a day. The rest of this you're supposed to do on your own. Yeah. Now, when a person loses weight, you know, he gets on a scale,

and he goes, wow, you know, I fucking gained 30 pounds over the holidays. I'm going to go to Weight Watchers, I'm going to try to do something. They do it on their own will. They go to a doctor. A doctor says you need to lose weight. This is me calling you up because I saw you on this street

and going, hey, Lee, I saw you the other day and you looked a little overweight. I'm casting a celebrity Fat Man show. Fat Man Alert, would you consider coming on? And you're like, I don't know. Joey, I was my friends.

You called me for this. And next thing you know, I'm like, you know, $90,000 for eight weeks. Yeah. You know what? You're going to do the fucking show. And part of it is going to make you do the show

for you. But the other part of it, the way I would do it was for the 90 fucking grand. Oh, yeah, of course. And I'm going to go in there and lose a pound of two, and I'm going to try to be cute. I'm going to get the same results.

I'm getting all my fucking life, which is shit, you know, when you try to be fucking cute. And I just assume that the rest, the same went for celebrity drug rehab. It has to be. That they paid, I know for a fact, they paid you like 100 grand for 15 days. Now, did you ever watch that show? Yeah, I watched the season with her on it. Right, like after the sixth episode, they all want to leave.

Oh, yeah, of course. do you think? Do you think it's because the food is bad? No, because you want to go get high. Six fucking days. You can't believe it. The only thing that's keeping you sober is that 90 grand to finish the fucking show. Because they didn't give a fuck whether you got clean or not. It was all about the 90 fucking grand.

So that's what pissed me off about the show. And if he's a real therapist, whatever, listen, man, let's fucking be honest here. I did blow for 30 fucking years. Am I proud of it? No, I'm not fucking proud of it, but it happened. And that's the way fucking life turns out some

It just happens. And half of you people that are watching this, you know, I get emails from you guys, you're telling me, you're getting high, you're eating pills, you got over it, whatever. We're all in the fucking same boat. We're all addicted to some shit or whatever. You know, you want to go cry.

But how did we get fucking healed? How did we get healed? What was the real sense of us getting healed? We came to peace with that situation. When you first start getting high, you don't even know how to fuck you're getting high and you're doing these things to yourself. When you go on the destructive fucking point of your life,

I think of the bass player from Allison Chains, you know, he got thrown out of the band, but he lost it. That's just the fucking way life is. You know, somebody was telling me that, what really happened with the, what's the black comedian that's going to crack cow wards? Is that one of his wives,

one of his girlfriends had a miscarriage. That's what, when you mix fucking cocaine in this, and avalanches, you know, it's just a bunch of shit takes over. So, you know, the people that have gotten clean, that we've had communication on Gmail or on fucking, whatever, we've had communication, pills, they'll tell you

I could give them a million dollars they weren't going to fucking get clean no it's a certain situation something that snaps and it's for free it's not the 18 fucking rehabs you've been to it's not whatever the fuck you've been to it's it's you you have a self-will you know George who calls

in the show that you met his grandmother you know George got arrested 19 times I don't know the exact number I'm just telling you guys you got arrested him half you know enough times and one of the times he went in and he goes hey forget throwing me in jail No, no, he goes, forget rehab.

They wanted to put him in a state run rehab. He goes, I've already been to fucking six rehabs, throwing me in jail. And he went to jail, and you know what? Until this day, he's never done fucking age again. But that's what it took. He wanted to get clean. And he wanted to get clean.

If you read that Kevin, what's the guitar player from the Stone, Keith Richards, if you read that fucking book, and he talks about kicking, you know. And I used his stuff about kicking when I kicked cigarettes. because it's the same thing. It's 48 hours. When you kick cigarettes, when you kick heroin,

heroin a little longer, let's just give cigarettes. The number one problem right now before diets is probably cigarettes. Yeah. You know when you go into plan to quit cigarettes, it's 48 hours of debt. Is that it? Yeah, it's like... It's 48 hours of debt.

You're going to have a hard time with it. Yeah. And it's like, I think they say it's like three days and then... It's 72 hours of debt and... a week and a half of fucking pain. But if you do it right, if you get one of these things

to break the fucking psychology, if you really get the patch and you really stick... Now, it's funny because the first time I quit smoking, I used the patch, and that was it. You know, I still smoked refa,

which made it tougher, I tested myself because anybody who smokes cigarettes and refa knows it's not the reefer that fucking gets you. It's when you light that cigarette up to chase that motherfucking joint. That's where the party is in.

Oh, shit. fuck, you have no idea. I would buy a pack of cigarettes. If I got a $20 bag of weed, I got a pack of cigarettes just because I want to come. Nothing like finishing up a joint, and by that fucking joint is getting turned off, you're putting a fucking cigarette to your lips.

There's no party better than that one. Anybody who knows knows that that's where the whole patois starts. And when you first suck that nicotine in, now you got the nicotine, the rifa, the fucking alcohol from the beer, whether you drink or not, whatever the fuck you do at home on your own time, that's what gets you going that's the whole patois

this time here I didn't use nothing I woke up a morning and said it's over today yeah and I tried and I said fuck the patch if you're gonna quit you're gonna quit

yeah you know and that's how you do things when you make your mind up to something so if you're thinking like and that's what I didn't like about celebrity rehab that nine or ten of those actors that went in there

never wanted one of the intention are getting cleaned up yeah they got the call they probably had to go to a physical they knew the day was going to come. The same way I always know the day is going to come. Hey, March 18th, you're going to need to get a needle. You need to go to surgery.

March 18th, to me right now, that's, what is it, February 20th, it's a fucking milestone away. It's a year away to a guy like me. I'll tell you what the fuck you want to hear until March 18th. I won't start sweating bullets until March 17th at about 8 o'clock at night. Yeah. That's when I'll realize the mistake I've made by committing to this. No, the show is definitely

The problem I have with it is people not take responsibility, so yeah, the show I stick cameras in the faces and they edit it and it's a show it's supposed to be entertaining but A, no one made them be there and B $90,000

made them be there Oh shit! Oh shit! This fucking Eureka is on fire like Madonna's asshole in 84 But people like blaming Dr. Drew and he's definitely taking advantage of people, but he's also, they don't talk about the people who didn't die, but are better for it.

So I think people, when stuff like this happens, yeah, five people died who were on the show. Five people iced themselves. That's fucking pretty hard. No, and it's people won't ready to do it. That's what to kill me. Minda McGrady went out there and shots a dog. And people are talking about why would you shoot the dog? Hey, let me tell you something, man. If I love something

as much as I love my fucking cats and somebody's coming to kill us, you know what? They're going to die on my fucking terms. You know, they're my fucking animals, I don't have the heart to shoot any of my cats. No. I would just hold them close to me and we'll fucking pray. We'll fight this motherfucker on our own. You're telling your cats at them?

Oh, my God. I couldn't imagine shooting one of my fucking animals. It would destroy me. No, I couldn't do that. It would fucking destroy me. I love my animals too fucking much, man, you know? Yeah. But she had a troubled life and my heart goes out to, hey, listen, man.

Again, the balls on people, it's tweeting me and saying, fuck you, you're too happy in the mornings, you know? Because I know. Yeah, I fucking know. I know I could have been dead right now. It's one little fucking blast. Yeah. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's my brother, Ed Suarez. Joey D. What's up, beautiful? What's up, man? Just stepped outside. I'm over here at Leodo's house.

I just stepped outside to make a phone call to you. All right. Thank you very much for calling in, man. How's Leotto doing? He's doing awesome, man He did the open workout today And now he's just sitting inside the house We got Melvin Manoff

Who's, you know, part of the Black House team now He's been helping him get ready for this fight And they're just, you know, watching videos on Dan And just talking about different stuff So they, they, he trained up here for this fight Leoto Leoto, yeah, oh yeah, Leota lives up here now He lives, he literally lives like, I don't know

Six blocks away from me Wow, and the dad came up also to train him Well, you know, the dad Actually, the dad gets here today His uncle Got here about About a week and a half ago And his brother's been here for about a month

So his brother He's been here for a month His uncle got here about a week A week and a half ago And then his dad gets here today Wow So this is a great fight this weekend This is a tremendous card

As far as I'm concerned And I'm excited for Leotto Yeah, I'm excited for him to you, man You know You know, we saw Dan Henderson there today And, you know, then You know, you know, you're always going to get a fight from Dan There's no easy fight against Dan Henderson

That's a tough son of a bitch, man You know what, man Leotto had the answer for a lot of tough son of a bitches He might have the answer for Dan, you know Yeah, I mean, you know He's, you know, he's gonna, you know He's gonna, you know, he's looking for the He's looking for the

finish. You know, Leotos definitely for the past few fights, you know, he looks for the finish, and that's what he's doing. I mean, I think the last time he went to this, I don't know, the last time he went to decision, he actually got a bad decision against Quentin Jackson, so that's been quite a few years, so

he's always been going for the finishes. Good for you, man, and how's our other boy doing down in Brazil? He's just chilling? Oh, Anderson? Yes. He gets here today. He's getting here today. He's got the grand opening of his training facility on Friday here in Torrance. So he'll be here for that.

He arrives today, but he's doing good, man. What's the name of his gym? It's the Muay College. It's his little gym. But it's, you know, as of right now, it's kind of like a private gym because they're just trying to get things all worked out to be able to be open for the public. But I don't know if this particular location is. going to be able to do that, but they're working on it now.

Now, is this school that's opening up Friday going to be open to the public on this Friday? No, it won't be open to the public this Friday. It's actually going to be like an invite kind of thing, invite thing, like the grand opening, just an invite, but it probably won't be open to the public until they get all the proper permits, but they're pretty close to getting those done. And what time is the opening on Friday? It's from six to six to nine. six in the afternoon?

Yes, six in the afternoon. You think he'll invite Joey Karate? Come on, man. I got a show. I got a show with Joe and Anaheim if you want to come Friday. I know you're busy with your Biders, but I'll go by you first for the grand opening and then shoot to Anaheim. Yeah, you know, because I'm going to be at the Wayans with Leone's opening.

So the Wayans are at, yeah, so I'll be there, man. You know what? I'll text you the address and everything. Okay, thank you, man. And what else is going on in your world? What else has been going on? with the management team, other clients? Yeah, you know, the management, you know, that's moving along, it's going good.

You know, I'm real excited about the RFA, you know, the organization that I'm the president of, we got a lot of great teams working. We got, you know, we got the access television deal. We got our event. Our next event is going to be March 22nd, Denver, Colorado. And, you know, that's really, I'm really enjoying that whole side of the promotion. from going from being on the management side and the fighter side to moving over to the promoter side. I really enjoy it, man, because, you know, I got into this business, you know, strictly for the

love of it. And, you know, thank God it's worked out well. And I'm able to make a good living from it, but it's nice to really help the fighters. And, you know, being a promoter, it feels good to be able to give so many different fighters opportunities to go out there and show their skills. And especially when we're able to air it on national television, you know, it's just, you gives the guys out there and all the fighters in the world another opportunity to go out there and show their stuff and hopefully, you know, we could be a stepping, our organization could be a stepping stone to get them to where they want to be, which 99.9% of the fighters want to be in the UFC. So it's nice to be able to try to help them get to where they want to go.

And the RFA, the fights will be here in L.A.? No, all over then. We haven't done one in L.A. The next one's going to be in Denver, Colorado. Really? What day, that? We've done them in March 22nd is going to be in Denver, Colorado. But we do, they're Friday nights because that's the television deal. We have with Access TV, you know, they have their Friday night fights. So we're one of the organizations that they work with.

So, you know, we had, we've done shows in Carney, Nebraska, we've done shows in Las Vegas, we've done shows in Kansas City. Now we're doing Denver. It looks like, you know, we're probably going to be going back to the Midwest sometimes. June and, you know, maybe go back to Vegas sometime in summer, too. That's amazing. Good for you, Ed. Ed, you're really grown with this, you know?

Everybody's growing. I mean, I got, you know, I knew something last Monday. I knew that after the fight last weekend. I mean, who fought last weekend? It was Frankie Edgar. Two weeks ago. Yeah. Nog.

Yeah. But Damien Meyer beat John Fitch. And when I found out the, I didn't watch the fight that night, but when I found out the result, I knew in my heart that John Fitch was gone. You know, he had had some problems with Dana with the game and then with the fight, and I just knew it was, you know, they're saying that he's a boring fight or whatever, and I think he's, I love John Fitch. I've always loved him.

But it's amazing that mixed martial arts has been around for a while now. You know, we're seeing guys go away. We saw Tito and Randy. and all these guys, you know, Chuck, and now, you know, John Fitch and George, the other guy got, I mean, the UFC let go of a bunch of people yesterday, and it's so weird how. Well, they've been letting go of a lot of people. I mean, I'll tell you right now, you know, they just recently let go of one of our fighters that I was completely, like, couldn't understand why, but they let go of Diego Nunes.

You know what I mean? Right, yes, yes. Yeah, I'm like, you know, I don't get it, but, you know, it just, proof to show you that they're just, there's just too many fighters and just not enough opportunity for these guys. And, yeah. And that's what I'm thinking now.

You know, three years ago, if you got cut from the UFC, you know, you went home and fucked around with a gun for a couple of hours and thought about shooting yourself because there was really nothing else unless you went to Brazil or whatever the fuck opened up a school. But now, you know, Bellator is looking great on Spike.

And Glory is coming. and your organization. Yeah, but at the end of the day, man, I mean, you know, the reality is, hopefully there's more and more organizations out there that are going to be able to provide some sort of opportunity for these guys, because right now it's only the UFC, and, you know, it sucks, you know what I mean?

It's a lot of pressure on everybody's back. It's the pressure on the fighters, you know, because, you know, when the fighters are starting to feel like, oh, shit, if I lose, uncut, then you're going to not really get the best sort of fights possible, because I feel that they're going to fight not to

lose, not fight to win and put on a performance. So, you know, I think, you know, hopefully that will change and, you know, hopefully guys can go out there and feel like they can go out there and fight and not get cut if they lose. But, you know, right now with, you know, the merge, it's got

another 48 fighters that came over from Strike Force, and when you add it up, you think, okay, if just simple math. You look at the math and you say, okay, if they've got 10 to 11 fights on a card and they do 33 events, that's approximately 360 fights, which would be 720 spots. If they've got 300 fighters on contract and each fighter is, you know, they count, they base your contract on three fights per year, right there is 900 fights, 900 opportunities. What I just pointed out there's still 200 swaps

that are missing. Granted, guys would get hurt granted, things like that happen. But there's too many guys signed to the U.S.C. There's just not enough spots. Wow. You know what? You've seen the movie Gladiator, right? Yeah. There was good fights in that, right?

They knew they would fucking die if they lose. So, you know, it raises the stakes now as a fighter, you know, that you have to really, you know, Dana's not fucking around. It's not even Dana.

He just has what he has. He has what he has. I don't think, I don't think, you know, I don't think it's Dana. I don't think if anybody enjoys calling fighters and telling them, hey, just what, you lost you, your cut. But it's just a matter of what they have to do. There's just, you know, there's only so many spots

open in the UFC, and, and that's, just the way the ball bounces, you know. And hopefully there'll be other opportunities. I think, yes, Bellator is coming on strong. and hopefully that'll be another great alternative for guys too. But at the end of the day, I mean, if you would ask any fighter, you know, what's your goal? Your goal is to become the USC champion.

You know, if you're going to be a fighter, you want to be the USC champion. It's kind of like saying you want to play basketball and you go play in Europe, or you say you want to play football and you end up playing in the CFL. There's nothing wrong with it. But at the end of the day, when you want to be a pro football player, you want to play in the NFL. You want to be a pro basketball player? You want to be in the NBA.

You want to be a pro fighter? You want to fight in the UFC? You want to be a comedian? You want to be on HBO. Fuck Comedy Central. These other cock suckers showtime. That's your thing. You want to be on HBO.

That's the, when I was coming up, it was fucking HBO. That was it. HBO trumps everybody. That's it. No, it's scary. When I read that today about John Fitch, it kind of, I knew it was going to happen. You know, I knew it was a matter of time.

But it's the switching of the guard. you know, a lot of, and Diego Nunes also. That fucking blew my mind. You know, that was right there, like that kids. But, you know what? Diego's young. He'll go to an organization, win three fights, and come back and be stronger and ever. That's the other side of the going to do with these guys.

So sometimes you need a kick in the fucking stomach to get you going sometimes. I agree. And you know what? But you ain't got that problem because you got the baddest pound for pound fighter in the fucking world. I mean, you know, the next fight for him is got. to be like the 12 apostles in Jesus. That's all that. What the fuck are you going to put up against?

I love these guys. Everybody wants to raise their hand against them, and it destroys my inside, because it's like you've seen what he does against killers. What are you going to do? Yeah. Because you beat up two dudes with a fucking right hand. You've got to come prepared to fucking fuck Abandis and Silver.

Well, you know, I mean, as of right now, I mean, everyone is pushing for this Chris Leidman fight. I mean, you know, that's the fight. I mean, you know, people get all pissed off at me. When I said that, and I think Chris Wyden is a tough kid, and I think he's got a bright future. But like I said before, I mean, at the end of the day, man, you know, Chris Wydenman, Anneson, Solvo's got more title defenses in the UFC than Chris Wydenman has fights. You know, we discussed it on the phone before.

I love Chris Wydenman. He's out of Long Island. Tough motherfucker. He had like a pit bull. You know, beat up on Mark Munoz. You know, he beat, he supposedly knocked out this kid that's tearing up the ultimate fighter, youriah years ago in a fight I love Chris Wyman he's a

he's a protege of a little guy Matt Sarah the whole fucking deal yeah but you know he's raising his hand and saying that Anderson's ducking him are you fucking kidding me do you know that listen well I think anybody that says Anderson's ducking anybody I think is that

no I got a lot of respect for Chris but I think all these people are trying to create you know the UFC is like anything else in America the last 20 years somebody does two good fucking fights and right away they want to put him on a pedestal. He's the next fucking big thing. But with Anderson, they're all waiting for him to lose.

Everybody's cheering for Anderson to lose, but he's been up there. How many title defenses? Well, he's got, right now, he's got 10 title defenses, but it should be 11, but then again, Luter didn't make weight. So to me, whether that was for a title or not, I still consider that a title defense. But officially, he's got 10 title defenses with 16 consecutive wins. I mean, it's crazy.

And you look at that highlight reel. You look at Henderson getting choked out. You look at Vidor getting the kick to the face. And then you look at the fucking precision of the knee where he put it in Stefan Bonner's fucking chest. Stefan Bonner still can't drink fucking iced tea because the heart murmurs. He still can't drink iced tea with fucking sugar in it.

Chris Bono, whatever his fucking name is. I mean, you know, I know for a fact that I'm a crazy motherfucker. If you gave me like a grandma meth or something, I know I would throw a punch at Anderson Silver. But after that, I know what's coming at me. I know that I won't even see those hands. If, if, if fucking Dan Henderson didn't see getting choked up, what the fuck am I going to see coming? If Vidor, who's been fighting for 30 fucking years, hasn't seen it. He was fighting before Jesus in the cross.

If he didn't see that kick coming to his fucking face, what are my chances? You know, so it's, I have a lot of respect for Anderson from day one. and I got a lot of respect for what you do, you little fuck. You know, I love you. I love you, too, Joey. I always appreciate everything. You know, I had a little baby girl, and whenever I'm holding her, I always think of you, and I always think of what you told me once,

and if it was up to you, you would just move to Mammoth with your daughter and ski all the fucking time and get her in the Olympics, and I've never forgotten that, brother, so... That's my dream. I told my youngest daughter about two years ago we were going up a chairlift, And I said, you want to know how you can get anything you want from dad? And she said, how? And I said, start ski racing.

And she didn't bite, though. She didn't bite. She's still playing soccer. Good for her. Well, she's doing something, so that's good. How old is she now? You have two of them, right? You have two little girls.

Yeah. My oldest one is 15. Oh, God. She's a sophomore in high school. And then my youngest one is nine years old. She's in fourth grade. Wait until she goes to the prom and Anderson's the fucking limo driver. That kid's all hot and sticky and shit

Shows up with flowers and shit And also the limo drivers And this and Leota Machina Nogera That's who a fucking That's who our bodyguards are that night The kids are like I want to go home I want to go fucking home Ed I love you man

I'm happy you call today And do you have a webpage For this league you've created That people go on there and read It's RFAT Fighting.com Okay Yeah, and that's our site And yeah

Like I said man You know You could watch our shows On Access TV And like I said Our shows have really been good We got a lot of up-and-coming talent We got guys like

Sergio Pettus Anthony Pettus' little brother We got Bubba Jenkins That signed there We got Steve Mocko Who was you know competed in the Olympics I just talked to him

I just talked to him You know I fucking grew up With his family Oh really Yeah he showed up With Tiago Alves and the rest of America's top team over to West Palm Beach. And I looked at him, I go, Steve Mocko, and I hugged him.

And, oh, he's a fucking beast. Yeah, he's a beast. And we got, you know, we got like that Chitty Angiakwani, who's a really exciting fighter. Actually, he'll be fight. Brandon Batch is another kid who's going to be the main event. Brandon Batch on our March 22nd show. It's Brandon Batch versus Leandro Silva,

who Leandro is one of the guy from Brazil. tough kid. Then we got Chitty Angra Inja Kowani, who's going to be the co-main event. Then he's fighting a guy named Jeremy Kimball from Colorado. And then we got Sergio Pettis that's fighting on the card. It's going to be a good card, man. Well, man, as always said, you always been one of my favorites since day one. I wish you all luck in the world.

I wish you all of luck this weekend. You don't fucking need luck. You're a bad motherfucker. And I'll be cheering for you guys this weekend. I always need luck. You can never have too much luck, man. How's the partner doing? Oh, he's great, man.

He's, you know, he's the world's most interesting man, Joyce de Marange. Yes, he is. And the wife is good? Doseki's knocked him off, bro. He's the real. He's the real. Yes, he is. He even talks like that.

He talks like that from the heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he does. And my wife is great, man. You know, she's a hell of a woman to be able to put up with me. You're lucky. You got it all good. I wish you luck. I love you. Thank you very much for taking the time and calling in today for the church of what's happening now.

I love you, buddy. All right, man, I love you, too. Text me the address, and I'll try to go see you guys Friday. I won't make it to the way in, but I'll definitely go to the opening of the school and see what's cracking over there. All right, well, I'll take a picture of the invitation and send it to you right now. Okay, you're beautiful, man. Thank you very much for coming on. Take care.

All right, bye. There you go. You didn't ask no questions, Lee. What the fuck? No, I was listening to you talk, but something I thought about when you guys were talking because I didn't hear about John Fitch getting released. And it occurred to me that in any major sport, there's always the teams that people beat up on and that are bad. And that's why they have the draft, because eventually those teams will get good.

And I was looking at the list of people who got released. All of them had amazing record, like 15 and 6, but their last two or three fights were down. so they cut them. So in the, every UFC fight, it seems like they're trying to have a great fight. There's not going to be like this one guy in the UFC that, oh, it's an easy fight, so you'll beat up on him and then you'll just go. Like, they're trying to have it only be really good fights. And that's something that I hadn't thought about before, but they're just, it's, there's not going to be an easy fight. Well, there will be, if they mismatch, but the hope is it won't be an easy fight.

And people know that the UFC ain't fun. walking around you know and that I like what Dana's done I like what a lot of those guys have done with their with their you know the way they handle shit I mean I like how the UFC works but I knew you know I love John Fitch I was there when he fought GSP and I cheered from I like that style of he was a captain of the Purdue wrestling team I really was a fan and once he lost to GSP I knew in the back of mine sometimes you have no way to go in that division. Either he drops to 155 or he goes to 185, you know. So it's, I'm so happy I've gotten into MMA because it's helped my comedy. Really? In so many ways.

Seeing what happens with MMA and using the contrast to what I do in stand-up. You know, you ever watch a fight and the guy gets knocked down and he's on his back and nothing happens? That means he didn't work on his jiu-jitsu.

Oh, okay. I was telling Terry yesterday. at lunch how for a long time when I was down on comedy, I would only work with Joe. And there was months where I wouldn't get on stage for three weeks. You know me. You know I'm always on stage. At this time, three,

four years ago, I would only get on stage if Joe called me and said, you want to do a show on me Friday? And on the way, I would write two pseudo-jokes, and I would go up there and it was a 50-50 toss-up. What I would do. I mean, yeah, I'm naturally, I could think and shit like that, but when

you're in front of 800 people, you know, it changes and I would eat shit. And I started, you know, you have to have conditioning, you have to have your jih Tzu, you kickboxing. So I took writing and I equivalent to Jiu-Jitsu. The shit I hate doing the most. You know, that's the shit. Everybody loves kicking, everybody loves punching.

Everybody loves getting on top of somebody and punching the shit out of them. But being on the bottom sucks. And I remember going to lunch with Eddie. And Eddie going in the future, Jiu-Jitsu guys really have to learn to work. off their back because the wrestlers that are coming into the league can hold them down their fucking will they do with the fuck they want to them so they really have to learn how to fight off their fucking back yeah so i attribute that to writing i attributed improv to like uh strength and conditioning

and i attributing movie tie to like performance yeah that makes sense and i put it together that way and i started getting better and people started paying more attention to me when i started writing which was what most people don't want to do off their back. I don't want to do that. I got a badass right-hand. You know, that's how I was going on stage. I don't need to write. I write on stage.

No, you can't. You can do that 50% of the times, but your percentages of doing good are going to go down. Because, yes, sometimes you might be amazing, but because you're not prepared, you're not going to go nowhere. Yeah. You know, being prepared is the most important thing with fucking anything.

You know, and I learn it with here sometimes. I make little notes so I know where to fucking go. Being prepared makes a complete difference. I used to go on stage and just rely on. You ever watch a certain UFC, whatever you call it, countdown to the UFC, and there's certain camps that all they talk about is how hard the guy hits. The guy hits hard, the guy hits hard. Well, guess what?

In the UFC, everybody fucking hits hard. It's not about hitting hard or getting hit. It's about maneuvering around that. And the same thing goes to comedy. You have to do things that people don't expect from you. And for a long time, people are going, let's just go see Joey. He's going to be dirty. And he might be funny.

off the cup. Now when they come see them, I try to give them a story and I try to rich it up for them. So that's how I do it. And the same thing goes. I know if I have three or four bad sets, I'm done. No club's going to fucking bring me back. And I always have bad sets because my material's fucking crazy. So I'm always

going to have one bad set to first fucking show them. I've got a bus full of Christians and I'm going to be up there. They're talking about pigeoning chicks sticking your nose up their ass. And you know what I'd flip out too. What the fuck was that? Holy shit. The lights went out. You guys coming. You know that Alan Iverson quote, like we're talking about practice, like one of his last years in Philadelphia?

There's a reason why people practice, and it's so you can be prepared, and you'll know what to do without thinking about it. And that's the reason why Alan Arverson's out. People like Tim Duncan and Kevin Garnight are still in. It's the people who put in the work, and it's the same thing with comedy. You could just work with stadiums. You don't have to go to the Ha Ha Ha Cafe on Tuesday nights. but that's the reason you can only for so long

you can only be the young guy who can just do it based off of God-given talent for so long and the people who stay in it for 20, 30 years are Anderson Silva who's had 10 defenses it's because I bet Anderson Silva is just not showing up to the fight yet he's the past he's fighting every day

you know for fucking years and it shows listen I have a great film resume if you look at my NDB I've been acting since I walked off the fucking plane here but I like a book Lee I know how to audition I know how to go in there and rip it up I'm not scared because I know in there how to go on stage

for seven minutes and rip it up so I'm not scared of all this stuff but I was noticing you know when I was doing films and shit I mean I'm not a fucking actor and I'm not into that I'm not A Blinking or Daniel Day Lewis it's coming to me and all that bullshit

but I'm a fucking one trick fucking pony so you know when I was talking to you guys here last week and I realized how important this movie is to my career I haven't gone out for auditions this year I've been out of two fucking theatrical auditions and one commercial and the rest I've just been writing

I'm writing this testicle testament I'm trying to write the book with Omar you know writing has been something that I didn't like fucking do it the most like people don't like get on their back and doing fucking jiu jihitsu and people sweating on you and you got your mouth open and some of these eyebrows sweatballs in your fucking mouth and you gotta smell that ball sweat. I don't like that either but that's what I decided to do

and for the first time I got this fucking movie and I'm telling you motherfuckers that are my backbone that uh you know how lucky I am that all these motherfucking comics that you see with their ego and shit they ain't doing dick opposite fucking De Niro you follow me not only do I

do the acting I do the fucking TV the films I try to do it all we do the fucking videos we do the podcast we try to write the blogs because I knew the more I do, the better I get at all this. This is the final fucking result. You know, you think I like sitting there at two in the morning

with cups of coffee, smoking a fake cigarette and joints and writing? No, nobody fucking wants to do that. I just want to show up and make people laugh and get in my car. But that's not what works. After the ha-ha, I've got to go home and I got to write the jokes down. I tried and worked and I had a tag to him, and this one didn't work. I don't want to do that. For

years, I didn't do that. But now that I have you guys, I have to do that because you're coming. So this is, you have to to pay yourself. A man without a plan is not a fucking man. Oh shit. Nietzsche. I'm dropping on this motherfuckers because that's how I roll on a fucking Wednesday, February

20th. I'm feeling it, Lee, you cop, sucker. Oh shit. Somehow Is that really Nietzsche or did he make that? Who the fucking thing you're dealing with? I'll drop Nietzsche on you. I'll drop Gadi. I'll drop the quarters of all fucking time. I'll drop the guy from the... What's the guy, Levin? The hot dog

fucking dude. They used to saw hot dogs and dropped me. He don't know what it. What the fuck you're talking about? You know, I was the kid. I had Ernie. I had Ernie Shaker. He was 500 fucking pounds. This guy had the best fucking hot dogs owned by Suicide Bridge in North Berger.

Suicide Bridge is my friend Steve Banchin. He killed himself. He went to fucking Carvel, got a little cup Sunday with, like, the Yankees, ate his little cup Sunday and jumped off suicide bridge. He was listening to like, fucking, oh, you know, he was listening to ACDC, back in black, when they were talking about

splitting the night and Satan and shit, He left a note about Satan and split the night. I need this shit in my life. But right over there, they had a hot dog dude. His name was Ernie. But Ernie used to make fresh fucking lemonade. Tremendous. Fresh right there.

So you get there. He'd have the cups. And he'd already squeezed the lemons. Yeah. So all he had to do is put sugar in, ice cubes, and club soda. Oh. Jesus Christ. And he'd stare that motherfucker up.

But if he got real busy, you'd have to cut lemons. So half of his fingers were missing. Like all his little fingers were missing. But the best thing about it that he had like plastic cups like this, right? Yeah. So all he would do is put the club soda in the lemon and then put a silver cup like a bartender. Yeah. And he's fucking shake.

But he was 500 fucking pounds. So everything would move his titty is the whole fucking package. You know what I love it. So we go on that when we were kids, shake her. Shake and he go, fuck you cock suckers. My name is Ernest. Jesus. Some people have to be big.

Like that Mexican hot dog place you took me to? Oh, fuck. I almost didn't trust him because he was skinny. And he was baking. Yeah, I can't stand skinny fucking chef's. Skinny little fucking anorexic motherfuckers. I don't want to hang out with that. If I see a chef, I want him to be like 300 pounds or a beard,

food in his fucking beard, dirty hands. That hot dog's good over there now. Oh, yeah. Well, my dad got here. We got here at midnight, so it was a little bit too late, but I was thinking, oh, maybe I'll take him. Friday and Saturday? On Saturday?

No, they're until 2.30 in the morning. Well, he's tired. It's a midnight. Who gives a fuck. You take him all there. You pop that fucking hot dog in his neck. He might move up here. I'm surprised he didn't stay on the couch.

Oh, no, he probably would have if he could have. But, yeah, fuck. That's how M.MA has really helped me because I've contrasted my career to that. And I figure these are the things I have to work on. That's why, listen, I don't want to hire this fucking coach for a $20 an hour. But how many times do you have an opportunity

to go up against these people and act in that realm? Yeah. You know, when I acted with Adam Sandler and those guys in the longish art, no other than real theatrical actors, so, you know, comics look okay. you know, when you're in this league like this with this guy, especially this fucking guy,

I want to do good. Plus his next movie's about stand-ups. Really? Yeah, De Niro's next movie is about stand-ups. So I want to do good, man. I want to do good for me. I want to do good for you. I want to do good for you.

I want to do good so these motherfuckers are proud of me. So I guess that's fucking mad flavor. My uncle fucking Joe, what are you going to sit there and play some music for? What do you got for me? Let's see. You got that Motley Kruf, Uncle Joe? Pop that motherfucker right now.

It's Wednesday, people. Get out there. Oh shit You want to smoke some more dope, will you? I'm all set How the fuck are you all set? I gotta go to work in an hour Where? Where are you gonna go work?

Huh? It's Wednesday. Where are you going? I'm going to work. You're gonna be there at seven. Yes, so I believe it's six That's four o'clock now. So we smoke in dope right now, you'll be ready. Yeah, you'll be in bail

when I got arrested. How's the weight? You go to the gym yet? You haven't been all week? No way. You start your juice at cocksucker. Yeah. So you can't eat solid food. No, I mean, you can.

For people who haven't seen it, it's called Fatsick and Nearly Dead on Netflix. And there's always, there's 8 million documentaries and 8 million diets. So I'm not saying this is the best one. But it made sense to me. And the reason they have you juice is you wouldn't be able to eat that many vegetables. And the nutrients gets into you quicker. So I'm going to try it. Well, vegetables.

What's your first invention? I got, no, most people do the mean green thing. So I have kale. Cucumber, celery, carrots, ginger. That's the whole package is the ginger. Yeah, and I have some broccoli. I'm going to do it for as long as I can. How many ounces of that you got to drink?

They didn't say, like, I'm just drinking. You're drinking it all day. No more cheeseburgers either. Fuck, dude. That's it. No more fast food. Fast food's what's killing either. You and I both know.

Not the fast food. You'd be a soldier. That's why I'm trying it, but I fucking. And then when you're going to start running up and down, stairs. I want to see you're 24, dog. You're 24. You can run from here to fucking Chicago and back. I don't want to hear it. Yeah, that's

why I'm doing it, but fucking... You're a bad motherfucker. I need you alive, well, you're my dog. I need your fucking alive. You could be a little on the chubby side. You've got to be in shape for a few punches. Duck and weave, jump over, you know. No, I'm always... Yeah, I'm going to try. It's about time. But the thing is, the people who do

it, after they go on the juice fast, they What's going on with Rose? Huh? She's at home? When you drink that juice, you get all nice and slim, your dicks in the grill, four or five inches. Wait till Rose sees you. She sucks on that fucking horn. It's all over the shouting.

Look at you and shit, you're sexy, motherfucker. I'm trying. Then you're going to shave the hair and you're going to be bald with a beard. I'm not going to be like Symbad, the fucking sailor. We'll put an earring on you. You go see your little Israeli buddies. It's a techno thing. When are they coming to L.A.?

I'm going to go with you. We got to do ecstasy if I go with you. You got to do three hits. They don't have any L. right now the closest they are in San Francisco. Oh no, but they're going to be at Coachella too. What is Coachella? April.

You want to go there and do some acid and some ecstasy? You and your uncle Joey? I don't want to. We couldn't even go if we wanted to. Why? It sells out in like two seconds. Listen. I know motherfuckers. Oh, shit.

Don't let me pull fucking rank here. You want to go Coachella? We'll go to Coachella. All right, let's go. Ralphie, man. You got to do ecstasy and heroin and everything. We go out and heroin? A little bit.

Just a little white and powder? Just to get your power to start, get your dick hard. Forget about it. What was the last time he did a nice little white line on heroin? Never. So this is your tan. Go see your fucking show. You can see the little Israeli.

They wear yarmulahs on stage. No. All right. Do they wear yikas on stage? Kind of fucking juice leaves. You got to be a proud fucking Jewelie if you're going to be proud. You know what I'm saying? I'm sorry.

And that's it. All right. So this week you're going to start juicing now. Can you still do the on-net products of juice? Yeah. Okay. Can you use the protein shake? Can you figure out how to use it?

That's the one thing. I mean, they didn't say you couldn't, but I don't know how much proteins and plant in the vegetables. So I am going to try to do a protein shake. It's a 16 grams of a shake, but I was talking to Einstein today, the guy I called on the show. He loves it too. He loves the honor. That fucking protein powder is delicious. It really is.

That chocolate, if you do it just right, it's chocolate. It don't taste like that powder you get from protein powder. It's chocolate. Yeah. It's yummy for your fucking tummy. And don't stop there. You know what? My feet don't hurt.

I'm going to go to kickboxing again today. So I lifted Monday. Yesterday I went to kickbox. My 50th birthday. Did the whole hour and a half. Sparred the whole fucking thing. Got kicked on the fat. Some guy kicked me right in the side of the fat here.

You don't know what pain is until somebody kicks you in the fat. And the toes, like, snap my fat. And they kept jiggling and shit. You know what I'm saying? It's fucked up. You laugh, cocksucker. I would think it wouldn't hurt. No, it fucking hurts.

It's like sometimes when they kick you in the leg, the kick don't hurt, but the sting. Oh, yeah. Hurts that. Afterward, you're like, God, fucking, damn. The first week I went, I kicked the dude in the leg without chin splints, and we both hit chin. God damn, that motherfucker hurt for a week.

Oh, yeah. It's like going to roller skating or something, hitting some fucking dude. Lee, Lee, Leeland, you ready for eating edible? No, fucking, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. So, what are you going to do, people?

Because I don't ask you motherfuckers for dick. If you're going to start getting healthy, it's February. If you're going to start putting off until March, that's fine. Sometimes you're going to start putting off until March. That's fine. You have to fail before you fucking make the stretch. Try it. Just try the on that shit. Try it.

Go on my fucking Joey Coco Diaz.net has the answer to all your fucking problems right now. Okay? We got the new webpage up for you. We got the commemorative t-shirt. It's long-sleeve, 100% cotton. They're 22 fucking bucks. Long-sleeve with a flying juice sticker and the church of what's happening. So you're supporting the podcast.

We got short-sleeved ones. We got hooded sweatshirts. You got to hit the fucking merchandise thing. They got white hoods with the zipper and the hood. with a fucking picture, and again, the flying juice leave out of respect. Oh, shit. Because I love you, cocksucker.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And we also have the Amazon link on the Joey Cook or Diaz. No, it's joey-deers.net. We also have the Amazon link. You're going to go to Amazon? You're going to buy some catnip?

You're going to buy an arm. You're going to buy some sneakers. Boom! Press into the Amazon link. This money helps our fucking Lee, his juicer, and like that, you know, everybody's happy. You're right?

Thank you for buying the fucking cherries last week. A bunch of years got laid because of, fucking Uncle Joey, and if you didn't get late, at least you got cherries after you get hot. You're sitting there some nights you're smoking dope. You're like, I got nothing to eat. I got fucking peanut butter. Ooh, I ordered strawberries. I got six of them because Uncle Joey fucking sent me. And that's how we roll. You follow me? Like I said, go to Honet. Start this health program. Leave me. I'm a fat fuck by trying to get healthy. I'm trying to get

cardio. I'm working on the cardio. I went to the doctor and tried to get these allergies down. It's overly, you cop-sucker. Oh shit? And you use promo code church when you're at Honnet. I'm on it. That's very important. Church. We have any codes for fucking, whatever, the Amazon.

You all you have to do is click. Just click. That's it. It's a fucking click. You like a T-shirt? You don't? You want to leave me an email? Something going on in your life?

Leave me a fucking email. 100-something fucking emails last. No way. And people bitching at me. You didn't look at my video. Listen, when you send me a video, I stack them. And when I get high at that,

I look at your video. And I remember, I don't, if you send me something, I'll look at it. If you take time to send, listen, my biggest thing, in life is if you speak, you have to listen. If I send you a video, that means when you

send me a fucking video, I got to watch it. So it just goes both ways. You follow me? And that's it. That's all we got for you. Yeah. Tickets are going fast for that New Orleans date. March 8th, 10 o'clock show. March 10th, 8 o'clock show. If those 160 seats sell out,

then we'll add a third show, which will be Sunday night at 10 o'clock. That's how I roll, bitches. Next Thursday, next Wednesday night, Pesticle Testaments at the Ice House. tremendous about all the shit we've been talking about and that Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I met the fucking Bray Improv with a man, Steve Simone,

the flying Jews are going to come down on Saturday and be shaking hands and giving out autographs and sniffing the chick's assholes. Maybe the chick will show up down there. She showed up at the ha-ha the other night. So she gave me a number. You know what? I'm going to have a call into the show. No.

Yeah. My friend gave me the idea. He goes, have a call into the show. So I'm going to have a calling. I'm hoping you forgot about that. I don't forget about nothing. Lee. I love you too much. I want you to overcome this fear of this black asshole. It's not a fear, but you're just talking about like sour cream from Taco Bell, and that's not even good sour cream when you wanted to...

I want to eat some good stuff, Leah. You think I'm going to have me like shitty food to the part in your face? I would never do that to you. I love you too much. I love you too much. Let's go back into the podcast archives. Well, listen to you wanted me Taco Bell and KFC. Come on. I'm going to be fucking with you. I love you better. I'm going to have her eating organic foods. It's an organic fart. All right. What was the last time somebody organically farted in your fucking face? They don't, Lee.

You're following me? Uncle Joey's going to set that up because that's how I roll. Another roundout of applause to my girl, hashtag.com shows. That's Jill Hamutsu, you sexy, motherfucker. My girl, M.B. Leaf looking fine in a motherfucker. She's recovering from the flu rose. So if you start juicing your dicks and get fucking super hard, Rose can't handle that and shit.

I guess not. I don't know. I didn't think you're I love you guys Thank you very much For supporting us And for hanging around And listen to this stupid conversation

Twice a week and shit And me torching this flying joy I love what you guys are doing Thank you for support me And all the venues And everything you guys do I wouldn't fucking be doing Dick

Without you motherfuckers in my corner You guys are my Ed Suarez All right? Where's that Motley crew? You just turned it all? No, it's right here You're sure You ready for it?

All right What are you got? Any announcements? Do you want to tell these people or anything? Just look for the... I'm going to do YouTube videos about the juicing. So it'll just follow me, Lee S-Y-A-T-T.

All right, stay black. And I'm going to start doing Matt Flavor videos again. Oh, shit. I'm trying to put together a show. I'm trying to put together a show. We go to, like, events. Yeah. We have food.

And I'll bring a bowl in my jacket and put Carmel Corn with T-H-C in it and Spike Motherfuckers. Oh. And then bring a camera and see how they're acting an hour later. Pretz rules and fucking shit like that. so I'm going to keep you guys posts. It's a great idea. I can't sell it to network, but we can sell it to YouTube.

You follow me, that's how I roll. Have a great week. I'll be back here Monday. We might do one Sunday this week. We have another month. Okay. Because the next week I only do one because I got to leave on Wednesday, morning to New Orleans.

So I love you guys. I'll see you Monday. Have a great weekend. Be fucking safe. The UFC round the rousy. Great car this weekend. I'll be on M.MA Junkie Friday. Stay black.

Have a great week.