The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #023 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: December 21, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Today, we talk about the week..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.draftkings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.cbdlion.com and enter Code: JOEY or CHURCH And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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Let's do this shit. right now. Hold on. I gotta get this candle lit. Candles are lit, motherfucker. How you like me now? Look who it is. What's happening? Greetings. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, December 21st. You got three days of shoplifting left and then we're back to fucking sitting around with people. They can't come over your house. They can't do this. They got to what. Who the fuck gives a fuck? It's Christmas, man. Be happy. I know this is a tough time of the year for a lot. lot of people, you know, but she's got to be happy this time of the year. I told somebody the other day, I was answering an email, I told somebody, do me a favor, man, just smile in the

morning. When you're having a rough day, when you wake up in the morning before you attack your wife or you attack fucking somebody at work or you yell at your kid or whatever, just smile. Sometimes in the shower, I just smile. Even if I wake up, I'm still fucking coming down off the battery ass like I did the night before, whatever the fuck. I just smile. I'm just After you brush your teeth and listerine before you go in the fucking shower, don't even look at yourself smiling when you're in the shower. Just smile. Just give yourself a smile and watch what happens.

All of a sudden, your fucking smile will make your memory think of something that was kind of pleasant. And you'll fall into it while you fucking scrubber, dub, daub, and it gets boring in the fucking shower. You're fucking putting conditioning your hair. the fucking lufa, the whole thing. By the time you get out of that shower, your perspective will be so different on the fucking day. I swear to God, no matter what I get up feeling, you know, sometimes you come downstairs first

and somebody sends you some stupid email or something, and you start the day off with this fucking punch to the fucking head from somebody, and you go, you know what, slow down. I'm not going to let them ruin my fucking day with that fucking stupidity. And as you're picking out your clothes, as you're putting your socks on your bed and your shirt, you just smile.

Sometimes I just, even though I have no reason to smile, I think, you know, because sometimes things will be worse than what they are with the conditions that are going on right now. So we, since we're holding us so much frustration, and from other things in our lives, we tend to overreact now because, you know, it's a lot for people to fucking handle what's going on right now during the fucking pandemic. But if you just smile sometimes, they just fucking,

smile like that's why when I do the Patreon in the morning I always try to end up with that smile for you people because if I smile you'll smile you won't be laughing at yeah you're laughing at my stupid looking fucking face and my fucked up teeth and shit but you're also going to laugh you're going to just smile and go what the fuck is going on in my life you know everybody's fucking happy I'm not happy force to smile just force it not you know like not my when you're in a club drink. Don't force it. Don't do an L.A. force.

When you're in a fucking club with your fucking jerk off buddies. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, my God. That's such a funny joke. L.O. No, I'm not talking about that shit. I'm talking about fucking, just by yourself.

Just, you know, you're thinking, you're, like, frustrated. That fucking bill is due today. And you're all of a sudden, you're like, you know what? And you just start smiling. And you're smiling. And you're smiling. And you keep smiling.

You're like, remember the people. time that chick sucked my dick under the fucking radiator at the comedy club and these memories start coming out and that's from smiling so i know this week's going to be rough whatever the fuck you think it's going to be start your day off with a smile you don't need joe deers or fucking bill burr or whoever to make you fucking laugh if you can't make yourself laugh it's going to be a rough fucking day that's it that's all i wanted to say enough enough of that shit it's a great week here for all you motherfuckers who decided to torture me and throw grenades at me and say, Joey, isn't time to leave New Jersey yet?

Fuck you. I ain't going nowhere yet. You understand me, motherfuckers? Listen, for you guys who forget, let's just pretend, let's just pretend that my mother took me out when I was three. That means I did 18 winters here. I don't know if your motherfuckers know that. I did 18 New York City winters slash New Jersey.

winters and then I did 12 Colorado winters that's 18 and 12 that's dirty fucking winters all right so 27 years is unaccounted for 23 were in fucking uh uh Los Angeles and three were in Cuba and one I don't fucking know what happened for the one year what the fuck I was that so maybe I did 31 fucking winters I've done 31 winters. This ain't the fucking first time I've been cold. You people are like, you're gonna come to take. It was fucking freezing down in Texas, too,

was 40 degrees. They were on stage. Rogan had to put jackets on and shit like that. But you people are like, Joey, you know, like you were teasing me kind of sort of when it got snow. When you guys don't understand that, snowing is my life. I love it.

I love it. Snowing brings back out. And listen, I'm not going to lie to you. As the snow was falling Wednesday night, I was like, what the fuck is this? Uncle Vinny's got canceled like a fucking two because the governor called the state of emergency. I'm like, what the fuck?

It's just a little snow. I was out there. I picked my daughter up. I took her to kickboxing. I'm trying to hold her hand. She's got her tongue out. Trying to catch fucking whatever. I just let her out there.

And that's when it started. It hit me like fucking how much fun is fucking snow? I came home. My wife made a pot of fucking meatballs. I called Jimmy Florentine and his son to come over. And I go, you know what? I got to build a fucking path to them because I don't want somebody slipping.

This is New Jersey. This is a slipping fall type of state here. You get sued on a daily basis. My neighbors are like, don't fucking shovel your sidewalks because not like that, people fucking walk their dogs and they'll shit there. And they won't pick up the shit. So fuck that.

I ain't shoveling the snow But I'll tell you what You gotta shovel that thing Because that's Jewish fucking Tendencies right there I see snow on a sidewalk All of a sudden I get the I get the sudden nerds to slip

And go down to fucking Fucking urgent care And leave there with a fucking Jewish fucking gold chain Nice little neck brace for the holidays Just walk around You don't know nothing But you got to shovel

The fucking sidewalk So what I did was Wednesday night I fucking When I moved here people like, dog, you're too old to be shoveling when it snows, just hire a kid. It's fucking 8 o'clock at night, 7 o'clock at night. Where am I going to get it?

What are they? Knock on people's doors? How you doing, ma'am? Is your kid available to fucking shovel snow? Yeah, so I just sat here and I go, you know what, I'm not to fucking shovel that snow anyway. So I came downstairs, I googled shoveling snow for 50. They told me to put layers on and shit. Because if you need to learn anything, just go on Google or YouTube. If you go on YouTube and go shoveling the snow over 50, they hook you up, Jack.

They hook you up. So, you know, they just said bend your knees, don't throw snow over your shoulders, stay out there for a little while, come back in, take breaks, whatever. It was fucking tremendous. It was coming down. I went out there, I had a little hat on,

I had my other sweatshirtion on, I put my fucking iPod on, I put some fucking music on. I think I was listening. the fucking UFO, one of the UFO, not the live one, but the really fucking good one with Michael Shankner. And you know what? I took a little hits off the pipe in the garage. Nobody knew nothing. My wife didn't even know what was going on and I fucking went out there and I just started shoveling. And I didn't know what I was doing. I made a couple fucked-ups, you know, I shoved the garage,

not the garage, but the pathway first before I did the stairs. And then I was shoveling the stairs. and then I was shoveling the stairs from the bottom up. But after a fucking couple minutes, it just came back to me. I was like, holy fuck do I miss this shit. And I was shoveling. At first I tried to use a broom

like I was in Colorado. One of my fucking asshole. It ain't that type of snow. This is Jersey snowjack. When this shit sticks, it fucking sticks. So I cracked open a bag of rock salt. My wife came down. She got the fucking snowblower out.

And I did the stairs. the path to the fucking street, and she started on the fucking driveway. And at one point, we just made eye contact and giggled. Like, it was fucking tremendous. And my daughter's in the window watching us, you know, I told her put your, put your fucking snow boots on and come out, and we just shoveled.

And it was funny because, you know, my daughter was great. She was helping me throw, you can't throw rock salt here. So we were throwing another shit behind, And yet can't you rock. I don't do rocks off on the brick because you'll stain it. I don't know. To the bricks, so you got to use that other shit.

But it was just great, man. You know, shoveling. At first, I was by myself. And I was getting flashbacks. So when I was a snow shoveler, snowmast village, 83, Joe Coffey, fucking great guy. He put an ad out for snow shoveling. It wasn't enough that I had a job as a fucking,

and as an electrician. I fucking had a job as a dishworm. I was a part-time burglar. Now, position came up for snow shoveling. And he kept having the sign was there every day. And finally I said, let me go talk to this guy. I go, Joe, what, I lived in D12. He lived like in C-12, the building right next door to me.

So I knocked on this door on him. Joe Coffey, what's going on here? He goes, none. I'm looking for snow shovelers. Do you know anybody? I go, what the fuck am I? What do you think I'm knocking on your door? You're selling Avon?

When do I start? And he goes, because it was open hours. You can shovel snow whatever you want. You could shovel the snow as it's coming down, or you could break the ice up at night and, you know, clean the pathways for people because it snows all fucking day. And the winter that I moved to Colorado, 83,

it snowed 25 fucking days in a row. So I was kind of fucked. So I said, you know what? Let me take my opportunity. I got this, Mike. Let me take an opportunity of this and get myself making a little money. I was going to come home.

I was robbing. And I was fucking, I had some money put away, but you always want to have a cover. You don't want to just be a fucking thief without a cover. So if people saw me out there shoveling, they go, oh, this guy's not a bad guy. He's working. Plus, Joe Coffey was his, he's still around Joe Coffey up in Snowmast Village.

So if anybody sees him, tell him Joey Dia sent him his love. He may be retired. I heard a couple of years ago, he was still out there doing his thing. That's a tough-ass white motherfucker from Colorado. I love him. But there was another purpose-wise, shovel snow. I knew I had two months to leave to go back to New Jersey, and I was casing out the drug dealers.

I knew all the drug dealers lived. So my responsibility was to shovel from A building to like fucking A, B, C, D, A, B, C, D, E, F, G. So my responsibility was C, D, E, F, G. I had five buildings. I think there were seven apartments in each building, and it was outside. So I had to start on the third floor and shove it my way down. I checked a little door handles on the way down.

You never know, you know what I'm saying? I was a fucking mess of society. But that was why I took that job, because I would see when the drug dealers would go skiing, and I knew they weren't coming back right away. When you go skiing, you don't come back for a fucking, You're already up there already. You're not going to come back home. And if you're going to shit, you're shit up on the mountain. They got great little fucking bathrooms up there. So I would just go out there. I would wake them in the morning. If it was too cold to be an electrician or if they slowed up would work. Because sometimes they'd make me go wire a half a house and then come back home at one. I'd go inside the house, warm up for an hour, smoke a joint, maybe get a hot chocolate. And I'd go out there and shovel a fucking snow. On those days, it was rough to ride. the drug dealers. But on the fucking other days, when I was out there early, like, if I didn't

have to be an nutrition, fuck, yeah, I was out there at 8 in the morning, and that's when people fucking leave to go skiing. They want to catch the fresh fucking powder. So while they were looking for their fresh powder, I was looking for my own motherfucking fresh powder. So I had my roommate at the time, see, I lived in C, D, E, F, G, but I lived in D-12, but all the doors, were the same. So they all had the same fucking security system, which was one doorknop. I figured out if I could break in, if I could figure out how to break into my door, I could break into any other door in the fucking compound. There's the mind that Joey D is, Jack. What are you guys looking for? Christmas fucking recipes. I'm dropping some fucking

stories on you today. It's Monday morning. You can't just leave your empty hand. So I figured it out that if I could break into my own apartment, I could, could break into any other apartment from C to H. There probably was about four drug dealers in those four buildings at the time. And I was working them like a fucking savage. I figured out if you took a, like a little hand saw, we took a handsaw, we took a hand saw, we welded, like, we cut a piece off so it wouldn't have the point. So it wouldn't like let the people know that I was fucking around with their door.

Oh, it was perfect. My roommate was a genius at the time. God rest his soul, Jimmy. I love you with all my heart. And he devised a tool that would slip right in. I didn't even have to pop the fucking molding or nothing. He was brilliant. So I would just pop it in.

He also devised a move for me to do the back patios. So the patio screen door, they were the easiest. They were the best. So whenever I fucking, just living there, those, those, I lived there from July to February. and those poor people were terrorized from the whole, from the minute I moved in there July 1st, I was just doing New Jersey shit.

You know, I was fresh out of Jersey. I didn't know what belonged to me, what didn't belong to me. As far as I concerned, it all belonged to me. So from the minute I fucking moved there, you know, I was doing little crazy things. Nothing too outrageous. I didn't really start going off that year until about September.

That's when I realized this straight life shit ain't, fucking work and going to work every day. I was taking some classes at night, that whole fucking thing. But I just, I was just into it. I was just fucking into it. So my buddy had made me this little fucking tool and I would, I knew

the drug dealers were. There was this one drug dealer. I was a chef at a fucking hotel and he would ski early. And what I did was I wouldn't go into the house and rob them completely. If they had an ounce of Coke, I would take a guy ball. And I would

leave the thing there. So they would be confused. They'd be walking around confused. I didn't start hitting them until like January. That's when I started cleaning them out. But anyway, that whole fucking little snow thing brought me back to that for a second until my wife and daughter came out. And they're like, Dad, can we help?

And I'm like, oh, yeah. You can help me. I'm like, fuck, you fucked up my little fantasy here. I've been here the last half hour because it makes, you know, it makes the ski. You don't focus on what you're doing. If you focus on a story while you're fucking doing something shitty, it makes it a lot easier. So I'm out there shoveling thinking about the fucking burglaries and whatnot.

And those poor people, it was a fucking great time. But it really was. It really was. I'm not going to lie to you. I had a great time those days. I was such a piece of shit. But it was enjoyable. It was not like I was just kicking down doors.

I was being creative. I was getting my exercise and burglarizing some fucking people. And you know what? It's like they suspected me at the end. But I think I told you, I played a double agent. I didn't get high in front of those people. And as far as they were concerned, I did not do coke. I was not interested in doing coke.

So they were like, how can he be robbing us if he doesn't do coke? What can he be doing with it? I was stocking that motherfucker up for my fucking flight to New York City. But my daughter came out with my wife. We did a little bit of fucking shoveling. and then boom Florentine came all with his kid we had dinner again

when they left at like 8.39 I went out there again and shoveled another maybe another inch or two had fallen. We got a total of a fucking seven inch to snow you know what I do with seven inches I sprinkle

in my asshole seven inches don't do nothing for Uncle Joey I cleaned out in my garage now we can pull the cars into the garage because that's the worst thing as far as I'm concerned to the winter is getting into a cold fucking car in the morning. That sucks. And you're sitting there rubbing your hands.

Now I just go in the garage and I open up the fucking door so I don't commit suicide. I fucking turn the car off. Oh yeah, please. The other day I went out there to warm the car up and I started feeling busy. And I'm like, oh, it's because I didn't fucking open up the garage door. It's way to God.

You guys don't have an idea about the trials and tribulations. to Joe Diaz and shit. I swear to God, the first day I went out there, and I started the car up, I opened the windows, I put the heat on, I'm like, this is pretty fucking nice in there. I started feeling a little fucked up.

I felt like that guy, the white guy, and the equalizer, remember Denzel, was going to kill him by putting fucking exhaust in this fucking car. And I'm like, what am I doing? I had open the garage door, and I wiped him down. She's like, how long did you have the garage door

open the clothes for her? I go about eight minutes. She goes, what made you do? I don't fucking know. You know me, dog. I do bong it. I forget what the fuck's going on, so I'm already used to it. Thank God.

Can you imagine a fucking Wednesday morning, Thursday? You guys will have woke up to USA today? Joey Dears killed himself by mistaken his garage because he was too high and he doesn't open up the fucking garage door. This is what happened. This is the day in the life, motherfuckers. What do you want? You want me to come up here with fable stories and, you know, me fucking winning three medals,

or you want me to tell you this shit that happens to me on a fucking weekly. This is it. This week, I almost killed myself, my mistake, but fuck it. But what in the fuck that I had? I didn't have a garage in L.A. I haven't pulled a car into a fucking garage. I walk out there. It's a beautiful day to be alive.

And next thing, you know, something ain't smelling right. But you got open the door to see the day. I swear to God, I feel it. That's my life, guys. What are you going to do? I'm stuck with it. I'm no fucking genius like you guys. You guys got the fucking world by the balls.

It was a great weekend. It was a great weekend all together. You know, man, when Thursday morning, when I got up, I'd do something Thursday. I came back early morning. And it warmed up. The sun was out. It was a beautiful day.

And I came in. My daughter and wife were getting ready to go out Thursday. to go out and play in the snow. I think I went upstairs for maybe five minutes just to pee and wash my hands and maybe get some water. And I heard just yelling and screaming. And I went out to the front of my house

and there was three. Eight kids playing in both in my yards, the front building snowmen, throwing snowballs at each other. My daughter got hit by a snowball. I'm like, Welcome to New Jersey. She's out there crying.

I'm like, welcome to New Jersey. I hit her in the eye. That's why she was crying. And it just shocked her. But I was happy she got hit with that fucking snowball. I really was. I was ecstatic. Usually I lose my mind.

I go, what happened? I didn't even give a fuck. I know exactly what happened. You got hit with a snowball. Welcome to New Jersey. When it snows, walk around looking like a missile's coming. Because we throw snowballs in New Jersey, Jack. We ain't got time.

And we'll put a rock. and they're too, a belching the fucking head. It don't matter. So she got hit in the head with a snowball. The kid across the street got in the head with his little snowball and the little girl across the street Addy, who was about six, got hitting the head with a snowball.

Listen, guys, it's all the part of growing up. It's all the part of growing up. When I went out there on my balcony and I looked and I saw those kids, it's over. I'm officially

fucking hoping. Like I didn't know how long it was going to take for me to officially be home, be comfortable. That anxiety has totally disappeared. I mean, you could see it on me. You could see it on my face. You could see it on my skin. This has been a fucking great learning experience and a great journey. I hope you guys are learning from this also.

I called it the mind of Joey Diaz and I did all the things I did. You saw us at our worst. You know, we had no direction with the podcast. We still don't know what the fuck we're doing. I'm not going to just give up, just because I'm going to give up. But this has been a growth for everybody. And I hope you're all fucking learning from this. I didn't do this for you guys to learn.

I mean, I'm learning the pieces along the way. But this has been a great fucking journey so far. And you know what made the journey even better that I made the right. decision when I made the decision. It was time to go. I miss LA. I miss a lot of my friends. I miss Kate. I miss, you know, Tom. My heart goes out to him in the hospital. Another one of the joint guys in the hospital, big church guy, Jay Bishop, Pittsburgh, thinking about you. You know, brother, uh, you know, that's it. It's official. I'm a fucking official, New Jersey. I threw a snowball. I I got a garage, you know, it's so fucking weird how Friday night was the 18th of December.

Usually that's the saddest night of my fucking existence. For the last 22 years, that is the saddest night of my existence. That's the saddest day is that Friday before the Christmas, because Hollywood would shut down. And what I mean Hollywood would shut down, I mean, Hollywood would shut all the fucking way down to, you know, there's no traffic like there is now, since nobody's working in California. For a month, you had four weeks of no traffic. People would disappear.

California Christmases were not what you guys thought they were. I'm sure that there were some families that were established, that had grown up there, that'd been there. But nobody knocked on my door and brought cookies. Nobody knocked on my door and brought an ornament. Nobody knocked on my door and said if they wanted to come over for Christmas Eve morning to sing. All these things have happened here. I've had the last three or four days, I've heard the doorbell ring. I go to it.

There's a lady around the corner with cookies. It's a different fucking experience, man. You know, it's Friday night we went to, uh, he goes to school with a kid Dylan, nice family. I had a fucking blast. You know, it was socially distanced. We went downstairs. They had heaters.

It was ventilated. You know, there was airflow. We all sat, you know, maybe like six parents and a couple kids. And we sat around and we just shot the shit. We got to, and I'm thinking to myself the whole time. Right now, if I was in California, I'd be doing nothing. I'd be doing nothing. These guys played games.

They played some games with dice that you had to get the fucking ball and unwrap it. You know, you have to unwrap it. There's gifts along the way. And the kids have to play dice until they get matching twos, threes, you know, like two twos, two-fours.

The dice have to match. And then the ball gets passed to the other kid. And I'm sitting there. I'm like, right now my daughter would be by herself in a fucking room. Never mind playing. with one, two, three, four, five other fucking kids. I was blown the fuck away.

People were bringing fucking cakes. They had pizzas. They had fucking corn dogs, you know, those little fucking things. I had a great slice of pizza from motherfucking Daninos out of Staten Island, and they're in Jersey. In Jersey, they bring all the water from Staten Island to fucking Jersey. tremendous. This is a whole different fucking world. It's

a whole fucking different world. And then Saturday was the trifecta of fucking life. Trifecta. It couldn't have been a better fucking Saturday. Listen, I live my days, I live my weeks day to day. I don't know what the girls are going to do.

You know, she doesn't have school. She has champions. She's got kickboxing. You know, Mike and I do the podcast two days a week with your videos on the other day. You know, it's always Mike has a family. Mike has two children. They're learning how to fucking shit, piss. He's got a thousand dilemmas himself. You know, he's got to be a dad half the fucking time. So, I don't even know what the fuck I was getting to. Who the fuck knows?

New Jersey, man. New Jersey, you know, you don't really fucking know, you know. But one thing I was missing from L.A. that I knew would switch as soon as I got here, I would fall into a clique. You know, I would fall into a click. So, sad, you know, my clicker so far has been like Joe Rayl. Kid I grew up with Eddie Connors, lives up the fucking corner from me.

My brother Bobby, who lives in fucking Jackson, you got the fucking Florentine family, who was just the most brilliant family ever met my life, you know. I'm over there two, three times. week watching football with the kids whatever yelling screaming saying fucking shit I shouldn't be saying it's just a lot of fun you know Saturday I woke up and I had to go get my wife a Christmas present and I knew the only place I I don't know what to get my fucking wife in fact we had to go to the mall ourselves she she sent me to the

mall she goes I know exactly what for you to get me she goes go to this mall go to this mall go to this place. They're going out of business. It's 60% off. You're going to love it. I went to the mall. I walked in. It was empty, guys. But I walked in there and I get fucking anxiety. Listen, I'm not a big shopper. I don't like fucking go shopping. If you like, I do a video of myself going shopping at the fat man store. You ever see me at the DXL store? I don't try nothing on. I just run the fuck out of that. So I fucking go down there. I walk into this place. I'm looking around at sizes and bras and t-shirts and shit. And I'm like, listen, you look at the girl's tits. You look at that tits and you're like, pick a bra for that bitch. You're not going to get the right fucking bra.

We don't know. They got A, B, 34. I don't even know. Thirty-four B. What's the thirty-four? That's the size of my back. What's the B? It's a B cup. A C cup is a D cup. A D cup. You know what? I know about two cups. The two balls between my legs and that wooden fucking old,

58-year-old dick. That's all I know. I don't know how to measure fucking D-cups and bras. You know what? No, I'm not doing this shit. I fucking walked out of there. I picked up a couple different Christmas presents.

And I thought, just easy shit. Easy shit. I don't fucking go in deep. I'm not going to stand in a deep line. Fuck you. This is just little knick-knacks. I had to send my aunt, my uncle, you know, shit, I had to get a frame

from my fucking uncle, shit like that. That's it. I ran the fuck out and I came home. I told my wife, look, I'll take you down there. You go in the store, I'll stand outside. When the fucking, you pick out whatever the fuck you want, I'll go up, I'll pay for it. We'll come home, we'll wrap it together,

and we'll make believe I got it for your deal. Done. So that's my fucking Christmas, all right? I don't know nothing about Christmas. Christmas. We ran, you know, we both checked out what we thought we should give mercy. But my wife did all the fucking, uh, handling the whole fucking deal. I don't do none of that shit, guys. I'm terrible with that. Listen, guys, there's some stuff I'm really good at Christmas shit. I'm fucking horrible at. Like, I'm horrible at sending Christmas cards. You know, I'm going to take

a picture of myself and then print it. Happy holidays from Uncle Joey. You're going to get about, I don't, You don't need my face on your refrigerator or on your fucking Christmas tree, all right? Some company reached out, Joey, you should do like Christmas balls. I don't want you to think about me Christmas night, right? Yeah, like Christmas, I swear to God. They're like, do two nuts sacks and call them Christmas balls, and people can buy them and put them on their ornament. If you're crazy enough to put my balls on your ornament, I can't.

I can't. If I was 28, those are my balls. put on. They were beautiful when I was 28. Too heartfelt nuts. Now, it looks like a fucking, it looks like two nuts with a water balloon. You know, you ever have a water balloon to have that nipple on the bottom?

That's just ready to bust? Yeah, the little fucking thing. I don't even know what that nipple is for. I may have nut cancer. It don't matter anymore. I don't give a fuck. I'm just happy to be doing this podcast twice a week. And the Patreon, I can give a fuck. Comedy. I don't know what's going to happen with a fucking

comedy. Ain't nobody doing a fucking comedy. You're out there just praying. Doing comedy now is like, I'm going to go down and see if I can get COVID. That's your mindset. How to fuck. That's what it's like Dave's, David Tell. Used to have a great joke that he would go home in the night and find and play, find the smell, find the odor, whatever fuck, one of the funniest things I've ever heard. That's us now. You're just going to fucking, we're just fucking going on the road to see what comic is going to die first. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. We're just waiting. That's what comic is going to die first.

And I know the odds are on me and another couple of other other with the guys. Go fuck yourself. I'm not folding into your fucking hands. But sadly, I had a great time. Saturday I woke up, I had to do some stuff with the girls. The girls sent to me, listen, Mercy has to go to kickboxing in 10. I had a fucking slight window. I go, fuck it. Let me run up north. Run the Union City.

pick up a gift of my wife and I'd call a few of my buddies he was around I was craving a fucking craving a fucking sausage and peppers empanada from Rose's Deli up in North Bergen

a shout out to Rose's Deli a fucking tremendous I've never been up there before they make I don't know how many pounds of fresh mozzarella day I went up there a couple weeks ago I had the fucking prosciute with the Muzadele sandwich

I only had a half of it It was fucking tremendous It's huge But I can't eat the whole thing I'll die of a fucking heart attack So I said let me If I came all away up here I went

I went by my fucking I went by my fucking The jewelry store I got what I needed From my wife then I said fucking I'm gonna go home And on the way down the hill I stopped at the fucking cemetery

I didn't have fucking snow boots though They must have I got a foot of snob in North Bergen. They've shoveled that I could go all the way down to the fucking cemetery. So I drove all the way down to the row she's at. There was like an inch on each fucking tombstone. I walked around for like five fucking minutes.

I'm like, fuck this. Merry Christmas, bitch. And I got back in my car. I love your mom, but, you know, I'm not walking around out here like I'm trekking up in Alaska. This ain't no reality show for National Fucking Geographic. Those dudes with snobacco. shoes on and shit looking for a grave. I'll catch you next week. Have a fucking great Christmas.

You've been there for 40 years. You ain't going nowhere. No, I had to go. I had to go throw a little blessing on my mom for Christmas. And then I said, fuck it. I got a little fucking time left. Let me shoot up the roses and get a couple of empanadas. I'll see if Tunley Avenue's open. So I shout up Tunley Avenue. I went up the roses. Thank God. There was a fucking parking spot. I went fucking in there. I got a couple fucking impanadas. And my phone rang. It was a buddy of mine. Cherpie.

One of my best fucking friends in life. He's like, hey, man, I got something for you. I go, fuck it. You know what? I got something for you. I brought a couple of edibles up there for some of my friends. Just, you know, just in case. You know, whatever fuck they're thinking. Not for me.

I brought them off with him. I didn't even have weed in the car. I just brought up. I go, you know what? Cherpy has been my friend since 1979. There's not too many people. trust in the world like I trust chirpy he's just uh you know I'm like I'm gonna tell you the people's nicknames I saw yesterday just so nobody gets fucking confused I saw

chirpy and we sat in the car you know for maybe 10 minutes then we got out we bullshit for another 10 minutes and I looked at him and I'm like I can't believe I know you close to 42 fucking years, 43 years. This is just amazing. Cherpy's chirpy, you know. He lives at home with his mom. He's a hustler. He's waiting on unemployment.

He got it. He's in between jobs. He's my age, but he's a genius. And he was there for me when there was nothing. He was there for me when people wanted to fucking shoot me. So I sat with them. We bullshitted. I gave him a little bit of fuck.

I gave him a container edibles. He was, he hit me back last night, nice and smooth. And he put a picture up of his mother's chicken parmesan sandwich. He goes, I'm in fucking heaven. Thank you for the edibles. From there, I called another buddy of mine. I go, I'm in the neighborhood.

You're around? He goes, I'm around. He goes, I just slipped at the park walking the dog. Let me drop the dog at home. You want to get a bite to eat? I fucking said, absolutely. I shot up there I met him

We sat at a fucking nice restaurant We were alone In the back, just me and him And we had a nice light lunch Had a nice little bowl of lentil soup And had a nice seafood salad You know, nothing fried

No bread, no nothing I drank water I sat with him for maybe an hour I got up I gave him a hug I got in my fucking car And I shot and went to see Joy At his Fairview shop.

I brought him a few of the empanadas for lunch. I knew he had his hands filled. So I brought him a few of the empanadas. I think I had a fucking nice tea in the car, and I gave him some edibles I had. He was working. He was high up at it. And, you know, I said, listen, I'm going to let you go

because I know you're busy. You got front customers coming. I got my fucking car and I came home. But I tell you, when I was driving, down Bergen Boulevard and down Kennedy Boulevard yesterday or Saturday. I'm sorry. It just hit me that I just spent the day with three of the most important people in my fucking life. Like some people don't get to ever do that. I mean, and, you know, we all have friends. Do you remember when I did the, uh, this is not happening and I made a statement that, you know,

the show friends ruined it for everybody because it made people think that they had to have all these dinner parties and 20 people over have so many friends I'm loved.

You're not loved. You got a bunch of fucking jerk off standing around you. You know, those three dudes that I saw yesterday, whether it was for 10 minutes or whether it's for an hour, I gotta tell you something.

If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here. That's, listen, I could tell you, whatever story I want to tell you, and you can believe whatever you want to believe. But if it wasn't for those three guys and the combination that they came into my life.

First of all, all those three relationships are over 40 fucking years. You don't judge a man by his fucking cars or by the woman he drives, or by the woman, the woman he drives. By the car he drives or the woman, the fucking trophy piece he has on his arm or whatnot. I'm looking to see

if it's snowing out there. It's snowing. You judge a man by his friends. I'm telling you, for me, I've always been poor. I'm a fucking felon. I've always had so many things

not going for me. I almost killed myself in the garage. I can't change a flat tire. I can't fix a car. I'm not good with a lot of shit. I'm not good at things. But one thing I was always good at, was being a friend, like a fucking friend. And to think that at this point in my life, at this age,

that I still have those three guys in my life who pretty basically formed me as a man. Like Jim Cherpie, never let me down. You know those people you call a dog? I could call him. I called him many a time, many dilemma where other people would have told me to go fuck myself. other people would have told me to go fuck myself

he checked me a couple of times but he always took care of me and I never fucking forgot him because of that there's people in North Bergen that's decided not to talk to Cherpy because of different things you know when we were kids we got in trouble together listen if that's what you want to do

if you want to turn your back on somebody you've known for 40 years we can't be fucking friends no more I wouldn't be dick if it wasn't for this guy because he's showed me something special of friendship. When nobody was my friend, you know, he was there for me. He would bring me food and money.

And, you know, when I was at the park, I needed a sweatshirt. He brought it to me when I was homeless, little things that he could have told everybody he didn't, how much of a deadbeat I really was. But he kept it to himself and he believed in me. And the guy James, the doctor, who I had the lunch with yesterday, I've known him since I was 14 years old. I don't know how many times he visited me out in Colorado all those years. I don't know how much time.

I don't know how many times he sent me the emergency two of the roads on the road because I bumped into a problem or something. I can't tell you all the times he was there for me. Times I stayed at his house. I know his mom, his dad, his sister, his wife, you know. It's just a 40-year friendship. And George, Jesus Christ. I go with George.

when my mother was alive. I go with all these guys. All three of them, my news since my mother was alive. So I saw George for two minutes, three minutes. We giggled about something. And, you know,

these are three guys that I don't even know what the fuck to say. I mean, how lucky am I? But all I remember saying in that this is not happening is that who needs 100 friends with three people?

I could take over the fucking world. And with those three guys next to me, I could take over the fucking world if I wanted to. I just don't really want that all the time. I'm too old. I got a fucking daughter. I got shit to do on people to see. But that whole drive home,

it's a 50-minute drive home. It was a 50-minute drive home that it pushed me to tears at different times of the ride because I cannot believe that I am so fortunate to still have these guys in my life and that they know how important they are to me in my life and trust me i got more i got timmy i got divo i i you know i'm one of the luckiest fucking guys in the

world you know and when it comes to that because i always knew you could have all the money in the world but if you ain't got a motherfucker to watch your back what good are you when you have money People hang out with you. Yeah. When you have money, Coke, people hang out with you. It's the motherfuckers that hang out with you when you ain't got dick. And before you're dick, these guys knew me before. They knew me when every time they saw me, they got to complain about me.

And they still stuck it out with me. So how fucking special do I fucking feel now? That now I could turn around and I could be, I'm their friend with no fucking drama at all. I also saw my nephew yesterday Nicky Ascalis I love this motherfucker I saw him at Roses you know

I mean it was just a great day I saw my friend Kathy Moran's wife on Kennedy Boulevard It was just a great day and guess what At the end I turn around I get back on Route 3 The Turnpike And I shoot down and I'm fucking home

But guess what I'm home No matter where I am in New Jersey I'm home I had a fucking phenomenal time Saturday up in North Berger. It was just phenomenal. And what did I do? Did I get high? No, but I do blow? No. Did I get my dicks up? No. I just spent it with old friends and it felt so much better on the 19th of December. You know what I would be doing on the 19th on December in L.A.? Nothing waiting to do my 915 spot at the comedy store. Here all day, I'm not waiting to do a spot no more at night. I'm just

spending time with my fucking family and my friends and just being normal and just getting well in the head. The change you guys are saying it's just the unwinding. Yeah, I'm still going to do the podcast. I'm having a great time with the Patreon. You guys got your fucking shirts, cool fucking shirts. I got to hand it to you. I got sick and tired of looking at the fucking Jesus from machine gun myself. It was time for a new fucking, you know what I'm saying? Trust me. Joey, what the fuck? You don't need to tell me. I put that shirt on with Jesus.

But the shirt with Jesus with the machine gun meant something. And that's what people, like my friend said to me, somebody on Patreon said to me, I can't wear that shirt on my grandfather because he's a fucking pastor. Fuck him. He shouldn't know. Jesus ain't going to come back

with 12 fucking idiots this time and say hello and go blessings on you. He's coming back with a machine gun. It's a different fucking world out there. You know what I'm saying? You don't think he's going to get a chokehold from a fucking top. Fuck, no. Jesus is coming back.

Stronger than ever, motherfuckers. So Patreon, I hope you got your shirts. I hope you enjoyed them. I had words there that describe who the fuck I am, you know, addictions. These are the mind of Joey Diaz. I love doing all this shit. I love doing the Patreon. I love coming here and doing the podcast for you on a fucking Monday

and fucking Wednesday. about that. My dick popped out there for a second. I had to get everything fucking organized there. Let me just see where we're at here. Yeah, no. The fucking shirts came in. A little one, just a little one to pepper

the room, you know what I'm saying? Every once in a while. You got to let out the Espiritos mullos. These are no stink farts, you know what I'm saying? These are like no flour cookies. You know that all that shit now? There's always missing of ingredients. No Making cookies.

No whatever. This has no juice to it. This is no more. I'm doing the garlic, but I change brands. The other brand was making me lose friends. This is just a little explosion between the legs and you move on 10 minutes later. Nobody gets their feelings hurt. So that's it and that's that.

What the fuck do you want to talk about? My fucking Saturday was complete, man. I got to see those guys. I came back. We went and got my dope, my wife, her Christmas prayer. presence. Thank God. I got that out of the way. Uh, we got some shit to eat on the fucking, uh, you know, nothing fancy last night. And then we came home and my night was really fucking made. Because I went to check. There was a UFC fight on Saturday night. And I went to check. I didn't even,

I didn't even watch the fight. That's how that's, that's how so far off I am. That was the last card for the year also, which is fucking crazy. They're not having a December 29th card, but that's just to let you know where we're at. I think they'd complete all the Fox cards on the UFC, but we lost the UFC for the rest of the year until January, whatever there's a fight, and I know we got Khabib and Dustin Porrier. But I came home last night, you know, answered some emails on Patreon,

fucked around, and what upstairs out? There was a movie. Frozen was on something for my daughter. But I went and I checked to see if the honeymoon was on at 9.30. And it was the Christmas episode. That's one of the best episodes ever. Because at the end, they break out of character. They break out of character in 1951. And they call out Ed Norton and Audrey Meadows the tour and they fucking do a,

you know, they wish the audience, Merry Christmas. goes fucking ape shit. So I was like, I'm not fucking missing this. So I came down fucking stairs. I got my head together. I got tuned up. I went upstairs. I told mercy, mercy, do you want to keep watching Frozen?

Do you want to watch the honeymoon? She's like, I want to watch the honeymoors. So I broke out a bag of wise onion and garlic potato chips. That's what you're probably, that's what that fart was. An onion and garlic potato chips. It was just a regular bag. Not the big, big fucking gobone bag. And I broke it up into three little piles for us three.

And we watched the honeymoon as like a family. We giggled. And at the end of the episode, I fucking cried. Because that was always my favorite episode. You know, I love the fucking, the Carlos' and the fucking, and the Carlos' teaching to the Mambo. And when he finds a suitcase filled with money, I love all those episodes.

But the best one To show Jackie Gleason's Fucking heart is that Christmas One. It's fucking brilliant. And Just the fact That I got to watch it With my fucking daughter

Just the fact You know I've been thinking about my other daughter A lot lately, Jacqueline. And yeah, I fucked up. Nothing I could do about it. She's 30 fucking years old. So now, you know, it came and went.

There's hope for our relationship, but I know that there isn't really the damage is done, you know, put away the whip the ponies, that type deal. But it's so weird, I'm sitting there with Mercy last night, watching the honeymooners, and I'm getting to do everything I wanted to do with Jackie growing up. You know, it's Saturday night. I should be in some show.

entertaining some theater and laughing and smoking pot and having a good time. But I got to be honest with you. I'm having a better time sitting there with my daughter, watching the honeymoon is on a fucking Saturday night with my daughter and my wife. The fucking honeymoon is ends at 10. My wife looks at me at 10.15 and says she's going to bed and I sit around to 11, 30, 12, by myself writing, listen to music, getting this ready, getting that ready, looking through my albums.

getting ready for the whole new week coming up. But it's just so weird that I got such a great fucking second chance. You know, and I'm so fucking grateful. And that never leaves my mind any fucking day. You know, I got a chance to come home, just come back. I got a chance. It was a great week. The snowstorm, you know, I finally pulled the cars into a garage,

which made it even feel more like fucking home. and then I got to see the three people in my life and like I said I'm going to see some more friends this week hopefully I'll get to see Timmy he's a big part of my fucking life hopefully I'll get a chance to see the gear

and Devo and to really make my you know today I'm going to see my other brother Bobby I'll see Joe Rayo you know I'm definitely going to see the motherfucking Florentine crime family my favorite people in the fucking world. You know, it's so weird

I was explaining to them last week that, like, in January or February, I got approached to do this really odd job. I had to sign paperwork, you know, to, I had a sign an ADR, whatever the fuck they call it. So I wouldn't tell what the show was about. But the network is working on a show.

I could talk about the, I could talk around the show, but I'm going to show you the lesson that I learned from not doing this. I got, I got reached out to me, whatever. Like somebody from the outside said, hey, these guys want to talk to your dear friend of mine. He said, they have an idea, they sold it, and got picked up by a network, they're going to get picked up for 13 episodes,

and they're really interesting you in being one of the co-host or whatever. And I go, okay, what's the show about? And they said, the guy's going to call you. And he called me, there was a show right up my fucking alley. Right up my alley. And it was a show about the witness relocation plan

and the people who have gone into it and now they've changed lives and blah, blah, blah, blah, and blah, blah. They had a 13 episode. So commitment and fucking, it was loot. It was loot. It was real loot. The pandemic hadn't started yet.

So I was still, you know, doing okay with the stand-up. I was like, hey, that sounds interesting. It would take me off the road for a couple months, you know. And it was that I met with the guys. I had like a conference call with them. and they were okay and then we met for like a little bit of a dinner

and they really broke it down to me to what I would be doing and it was interviewing guys that have been into the witness relocation plan and what they have done and how good it was for them

just all this bullshit you know but out of the 13 episodes it was one like pilot episode and then it was 12 guys that were basically all of them were Italian mobsters, you know, for example, it was a guy in Houston, Texas, who was from Jersey and he opened up a

strip club down there. I don't think he's still down there. They were just isolated guys, you know, but it was basically organized Italian mafia guys, you know. Yeah, I was all in. I was all in. In fact, they had one of the witnesses called me. He got, he was a lot older now. I always thought the guy that they made called me, you know, from reading his books and whatever. And it's not Samuel the Bull Gravano. By the way, I hope you enjoyed that fucking pilot episode of Sammy the Bull, Gravano's pilot. I told you his podcast is going to be fired.

He's a great storyteller. He's got great stories. And he lived them. This isn't somebody's son or somebody's sidekick. Anyway, enjoy Sammy the Bulls podcast. I don't know what the name of it is. Look it up. It's definitely on YouTube.

Fucking sirens, FBI reports. Great fucking podcast. I don't know Dick about Dick. In fact, I get a call. The producer asked me, do you want to talk to this guy? Because he's going to, it was his idea. He sold it. He's in a witness relocation plan.

He's an ex-Gambino guy. And he's older. So as I got on the phone with him after three minutes, I read his book 20 years ago, you know. When I moved to LA, I knew I was going to get cast to do all those roles. So I read as many mafia books as I could, just so I could always have characters in my head to work with. It's a stupid thing, but whatever.

It worked 20 years ago. People change. So I fucking talk to the guy, and after five minutes, I knew from reading his books that this guy was filled the shit kind of sort of but now from talking to him on the phone he was

full of shit he was an ex-cambino he was like an ex-cambino associate I mean all these guys are basically like low-level guys but they blow themselves up to be bigger level guys Sammy the Bull was Samuel the Bull

that motherfucker was an underboss that's a big different fucking story I'm talking about like Louis Fingernails from the Lucchese family in New Jersey and all the... It was just like fucking... And I ended up talking to the guy from the Gambinos and I think I talked to an old Bonano guy, you know,

on the phone. So they were going to fly him. We were going to shoot in San Diego and, you know, the money was good. I told them I was interested. And then one night it was like, what I tell you guys. happens. I go to bed early.

Something is on my mind. I wake up at 3 in the fucking morning. And I, you know, having insomnia as I'm pissing, if I'm pissed about something, something's bothering me. If I wake up in the middle nights,

because something's bothering me. So I fucking, you know, sit down, I get the notebook out, and all of some, the hand starts going on in the journal, and it's basically, I don't want to do this job. Like, I'm like, I don't want to do this job.

I don't care how much they're going to pay me per episode. You know, I don't care if the fucking show blows up and I miss up. I don't want to do this. I don't want to glamorize something that I don't fucking believe in. That's number one. I don't want to glamorize ratting. And number two is like, how can I give these guys a spotlight? Do you know how much fucking, like, the three dudes I met yesterday,

all three of them are fucking a doubt. Like all three of them are fucking Italians. You know, George is like mixed. He's like a fucking mutt. He's like a half-breed, but he stars Italian. The other two guys are full, you know, strength, proud, hardworking, blue-collar Italians. And I thought to myself, fuck, when I died, when my mother died, Italians took me in. When, you know, I was growing up, Italians took me in.

Italians took me in. Italians took me in. You know what, man? I don't need the money that much to fucking, I mean, we can all need a lot of fucking money, but I don't need the money that bad to betray the people that helped me growing up. So I said, fuck it.

I'm not going to take this job. I called the guy and I gave the guy some excuse because they were going to shoot, like the first week of February, they were going to shoot the pilot. I called the guy, I gave him some excuse about, something, but deep down the side, I didn't want to do it because I didn't want all the kids that helped me become who I am today, especially the Italian ones, my friends. I didn't want them to look at me in a weird fucking way after that. I mean, it'd still be my friends, but I did

something over money that they gave me over friendship. So I turned the fucking job down. I said, I don't want the job. The pandemic came. I never said nothing to nobody. When they decided to close the fucking schools, I called one person, Jimmy Florentine, because I knew his sister was a realtor.

A sister-in-law, Trish was a realtor, and I knew he could help me out. And guess what? They did help me out. And guess what? They're my new family here in Jersey. So sometimes you got to fuck can take a pass on something to make something better.

And now we're probably going to spend one of the nights for Christmas with them. They have two family, then my family. I don't know why I'm telling you this story. I'm telling you the story because I want to tell you that every fucking move has a consequence. And the universe never fucking forgets. If I would have sold out my fucking Italian brothers and sisters for a fucking paycheck, I wouldn't be in this house right now. and I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today

because I turned my back on somebody. So I'm happy today that I haven't, that I didn't take that fucking job over fucking money. It's not, I left L.A. I left money on the table in L.A. Because I wanted to come back here and have what I just described to you. Was family, friends, the holidays, snow, and just being fucking happy.

I hope you guys enjoyed the podcast today from the bottom of my heart. I know it's Monday to 21st. A lot of you people having a hard time. Fuck all that shit. Next year's our year, I promise you. This year was supposed to be the year of the Savage. Things fell apart. Some Chinese people lit a firecracker, and some of us got fucked up.

What are you going to fucking do? Who are you going to blame? You got nobody to blame. We're going to make it through next year, and next year will be a better year. the year and by then we'll figure out what we're going to do with this fucking podcast how we get guest i looked at an office this week i just went and looked but it's in a building i can't have that i want an office that has a daughter outside so people aren't worried about covid when we get them as

guest and whatnot anything uh vitties wednesday night the 23rd that i'm not going to do anything if i do something next week i'll let you guys know on wednesday's podcast i might do something at one of the other clubs in Jersey next week just to get you out of house out of Christmas, just to see some people, be limited capacity. I was really thinking of doing a New Year's pay-per-view with Jimmy Florentine

and Rich Voss. We were going to just find the bar and do it, but you know what, man? You can't be out past 10. You can't have more than 25 fucking people. You know, for you guys to feel a pay-per-view in the house,

You got to feel the energy in the fucking room. Ah, I'll let you guys have a nice new year. What I am going to do for New Year's is at some point in the night, do some type of live stream for Patreon, check in with you guys, smoke a joint with you, maybe drink a glass of champagne with you, maybe eat an edible with you or something like that. Is that good?

What do you think? If that'll work, that'll work. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you very much for listening. Thank you for having my. my back and now for a word for my sponsors. All right, I want to thank you guys for paying attention today. You know me, Doug.

I do a couple bowls in the morning. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But I tell you what I do know what I'm talking about money. When it comes to fucking gambling, I got Draft Kings for you. From the fucking heart of fucking Jersey where Draft Kings fucking has roots cock suckers. This is what I'm talking about. Now that I move to Jersey, represent. Zet and Draft Kings like a fucking savage, and it starts tonight.

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It's over and under, it's 40. You got a nice parlay coming at you. You got a high fucking line, but who gives a fuck? Let me explain some to you. Draft Kings is America's top-rated sportsbook, and they've done it again. You like, Joy, what they do now? They did it again to celebrate the return of NBA basketball Wednesday night. Draft King's Sportsbook is giving new players 100 to one odds on any featured matchup this week.

What are you talking about, Joey? What am I talking about, Cocksucker? You bet a dollar, and if your fucking thing wins, you get $100 fucking dollars. You bet $1, $1,000, one fucking dollar on any $1. featured matchup this week, and if your team wins, you get $100. Take that government fucking money. You've been waiting on the, you've been waiting on unemployment. Hello, my name is Joe.

Yeah, fuck all that shit. Take that fucking money, and let's make some more money. There's so many games I write now, I don't even know what the fuck to tell you. Between NBA basketball, college basketball, football, playoffs are around the corner. Head to the app today to check out the daily odd boost. Plus the fucking fantasy. Must the poker. Whatever the fuck you want, they're there.

If you haven't signed up yet, today is that fucking day. You're sitting there moping around like a fucking Moulin Rouge. You might as well make a fucking some action today. Download the app now. It's safe, secure, it's reliable. Most importantly, it's your fucking money. Deposit and withdraw at your convenience. Download the top rated draft king's sports book app.

Today, right now. Use promo code joy when you sign up. to get 100 to one odds on any featured matchup this week. That's co-jury for new players to get a shot at $100 on any featured matchup this week for a limited time only at Draft King Sportsbook. Listen, this is the week. These next two weeks, this is the fucking week right here. If you play it smart, you can make a little money, you're right?

You got Monday night football tonight. You don't want to do the part of the way. You do the fucking total. Then you swing into Tuesday night. Listen, don't get the E.S. SPN game. Get one of those games that nobody's watching. You know what I'm saying? New Mexico State against fucking, I don't know, I don't know, some other fucking set of MOOCs or something like that. Nobody's watching that game. That's the weaknesses. That's where you hold is.

And Wednesday night, you roll into NBA basketball with Draft Kings or one of these matchups. You get $100 fucking Wednesday, maybe Thursday. You're rocking all fucking weekend. I know there's NFL football. Come on. Go to Draft Kings right now. Donald L.D. Act. and use code Joey. Now, here's the fucking part the lawyers make me say. You got to be 21 or older. If you're under 21,

go play with your dick somewhere. Go play in traffic. Get the fuck out of here. New Jersey, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Colorado, Tennessee. Only, you know, wherever you're fucking sports booking, we're ready for you at Draft Kings.

Deposit bonus requires 25 times play through. Restrictions do apply. See DraftKings.com slash sportsbook for details. Now, gambling problem. I don't want you lurking around. I don't want you fucking selling your TV and blowing some fucking indigent just so you can put a bet in. That's not going to work here.

If you got a problem, call 1-800 gambler. And if you're in Indiana, call 1-800-9 with it, okay? But if you don't have a gambling problem, fuck that shit. I got 9-9 problems in the bitch ain't one. Download the Draft King Sportsbook app, use code Joey, and cash in on this tremendous deal. have a great week. The joint is also brought to you by but I'm like Van of White. CBD Lion. Fucking tremendous.

You understand me? Anxiety, pain, aches. Listen, it's not a cure-all. It helps. It's great for your body improved circulation, but you don't know that. You're sitting there going.

Everybody's talking about CBD. Let me do something about it. Do something about it. Go to CBDLion.com right now. Read. Learn about C. CBD, CBN, look at the third-party lab results and see what we're working with here. My knee starts to hurt. I pop a couple gummies. I'm all right. I'm walking around. Listen,

I'm not fucking, you know, Ronaldo Nehemiah jumping over fucking hurdles. But it helps. The kinesiology tape is tremendous. You had a rough day at the gym, jujitsu, whatever, jumping up and down. The bad fucking boss. Listen, CBD has to be covered. I don't want to hear none of your fucking excuses. to CBD Lion.com right now and pressing Joey or church. I'm giving you two fucking options. Whatever do you feel like spell them that day? You get 20% off delivered right to your fucking cribber, right? Who do you think you're fucking dealing with?

Joey bananas? I'm going to get you healthy and I'm going to put a little money in your pocket with draft Kings. I want to thank draft kings. I want to thank CBD Lyon, but most importantly, I want to thank you fucking savages for paying attention and having my fucking ear. Let me give you an ear beating twice a week. I love you motherfuckers.

Patreon, you got your shirts. I love it. It's going to be a great week. Merry Christmas. And we'll talk about New Year's next week. Who gives a fuck? You might get shot in the head this week. Stay black. Love you guys.