The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #024 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Today, we talk about the Holiday's..... This episode is brought to you by Manscaped & Onnit...... Go to https://www.manscaped.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.onnit.com and enter Code: CHURCH or JOINT And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

Greetings from Podcastville, you bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey here. Uncle Joey's joint is brought to you by Manscaped. Listen, you've been a little naughty this year, but your ass still deserves the best of man grooming. Let my friends at Manscape treat you with the package gift that's going to fucking blow you away. I mean, the holidays are what?

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for another fun-filled whatever fuck type episode of Uncle Joey's joint? You never know where you're going to start and you never know where the fuck you're going to end. All I know is it's a beautiful day to be alive.

It's the 23rd. We got Christmas Eve tomorrow with your families and I just want to touch base with you see what's going on between these fucking doctors that got me going crazy for this fucking surgery

on the 8th. Every fucking day. I got to fucking go to a different doctor. Yesterday I went to my family doctor who was a real fucking night, man. I'll tell you what, man. I picked him because he was Italian. I thought I was going to go in there

and he was going to be a nice little gumba type guy. This guy's turned out to be a real fucking pain in the ass. Now I got to go to another appointment next week after fucking Christmas. Today I got to go fucking this afternoon and do a stress test. So if you're looking at me now, I'm looking good but in an hour I'll be green

from stress once they stick to intravenous in my fucking hand and then to make it even worse I got to go to Uncle Vinny's tonight and perform which I love going down and performing but I'm gonna be a fucking mess like I ain't got enough fucking problems in my life just trying to be me and trying to put this shit together like I said a couple weeks ago I don't give a fuck because this is just with just a work in progress but still it gets to guys like me because fuck I always want to give you the best I could give you

and be the funniest that I can't, you know what I'm saying? You can't be funny every day, but fuck it. After 29 years, you got no motherfucking choice, and you got no goddamn excuses, you know what I'm saying? Christmas is going to be simple here this year. I'm going to Florentines, Christmas Eve, keeping it light. And then Christmas day, we're going to do a Diaz family fucking Christmas, just us, pajamas, and we're going to order Chinese food like Jews do.

That's it. No fucking struggling, no fucking driving. around. I'm not in the mood, you know, that cavoidial situations. I got to avoid these fucking things. Every time you wake up now, you ever do something? And you're like, ah, maybe I should have done that. And then the next morning you wake up, everybody's waking up ready for a sore throat. You wake up in the morning, you swallow, you feel like the fucking hooker. The first thing you do is fucking swallow as you're pissing. I got to make sure I don't have a fucking sore throat. I got to make sure I don't have a fucking headache. I don't even know what the symptoms are. I just,

I just do everything through my fucking throat. Every time I see people, I'm around a bunch of people. I go, there goes my fucking throat. You know, I told you, Saturdays, I went up to North Bergen, and I went to a deli. I keep my fucking mask on. And when I go out, I keep my mask on. Thank God, nobody's actually asking for fucking pictures.

There's no picture taking season right now. You want to take a picture, go take a picture of a fucking treat. But there's no pictures, there's no hugs. There's nothing. I hug people. I mean, listen, you can't take away the fucking hug. If a hug is going to give me COVID, I'll run with the fucking hug. I don't mind giving a dear friend the hug if I see him.

Just look the other way. It's like, you know, it's like hugging to Harvey Weinstein. You don't want to make out with him, right? You don't want to kiss him right in the fucking neck. And then give him a chance to knock on your door and stick it in your ass late at night hours. And you've got to take him to trial eight years later. I'm telling you, he fucked me.

Well, next time when you're kissing, don't kiss him on the cheek. Why be international? Look the other way when they kiss you in the fucking face, you fucking dummy. You know, I'm sitting tired of this shit already, people. You hug somebody?

You know, you think I'm going to give you an elbow? What I look like a fucking chicken? I see these people giving elbows and I'm like, listen, that's never going to happen. What the fuck is it elbow? What is this? Mui Tyville and your elbow and me and the elbow,

and we still got to get down together and get close to one another. So what the fuck? Give me a fucking breather. If you're not going to give me a hug, just give me a fucking... I don't mind. knuckling nobody. Listen, I don't think COVID grows on fucking knuckles unless you're two

sticking fingers up fucking, they're homeless people's assholes. Then you got to worry about COVID on your fucking knuckles, you know what I'm saying? But besides that, I think you're going to be fine. I think everybody's going to be fucking fine, you know. But I don't want you to think a lot of people walking around, this is what makes me laugh about life. But a lot of people walking around and think they're going to wake up January 1st and this is going to be gone. Some people think they're going to wake up January 21st after President Biden takes over and this is going to be gone. Guys, then I'm going to stop with this. Then I'm going to stop. They just find the strain in Great Britain, some fucking English guy, Chip, Chip, Chalie Ho. He's got a sore throat

so now I got to worry about it. It gives you fucking dirty feet now. Now there's another strain. You know, enough. Enough. Enough. Just give us the shot that. works. All right. Now I got to take a shot in 90 days. I got to do another two shots. And if you do the fucking antibody, the antibodies last from six to nine months. So you might as well just get the COVID. Just go fucking get it. Do the hydro crowd, all the zine, whatever the fuck it is. They cost you a dollar. That's why they don't want to give it to you. You know that, right? It costs you a dollar. So nobody makes no fucking money. So that's what I want to give it to you. It fucking works.

Listen, I'm not a political guy. You see a pinfall hat on my fucking head? Not in a million years. I'm just telling you what I'm here. I'm just here to report the fucking facts. Maybe. If you want a fact check me, fact check me. I don't give a fuck.

It's a fucking podcast. What do I give a fuck? Do I look like Bill Butteau to you? Do I look like some jerk off on CNN? I don't get paid to report the news. I just get paid to goof on it, goof on you. Smoke a joint. Get the fuck out of here.

Do the best I can in my life. I'm going to fucking sit here. week and watch the news and report the numbers. Wear your mask, wash your hands, and don't eat no fucking asshole, or you don't know where the fuck it's been. That's it. It's that fucking simple. You know what I'm saying? You're going to smoke a joint with someone that puts you in higher percentages. What's lower percentages? Like what I do with Uncle Vinnie?

I don't mind doing a show for 38 people, but you're out. Listen, I don't want to see 100 people, not even by mistake. I see 100 people. I start shooting at them now. That's it. Dispers. Immigration. It's like immigration. Watch I'm scatter. I don't have time for this shit no more people. I'm sick and tired of all this shit. Just like you guys are. You guys think that like, you know,

you're the only ones that have problems. You're the only ones that had a bad year. You're the only ones that lost a salary. You're the only ones that lost a job. Listen, what this has taught you is to adapt. You got to fucking adapt. I know. I know you don't want to do that.

You got to go out of your fucking comfort zone. COVID is not here to stop. I spoke to a 25 years. year old kid the other days. She's a daughter of a friend of mine. Sweet kid, but she goes, you know, COVID, I can't get a job because of COVID. Listen, if you're going to blame everything on COVID, you're going to have a hard life because COVID is here the next two or three years. You better regroup, get that notebook out, write some fucking goals and see what direction you're taking this book. You know, Tuesday night, last night, I fell asleep on the couch. It's like at nine o'clock. I was just

white you know every time i got to go to a doctor my anxiety level is high and after my anxiety level goes low i just get tired i must have fallen asleep on the couch like an hour i got up my wife was gone the kid was sleep and i go on my wife is uh halfway awake still she's watching some fucking show that don't make sense and i lay down i try to lay down next one also my mind sparked you know At fucking 11 o'clock at night, my fucking mind sparked of things that I had to do. So I said, you know what? Let me get up, make a cup of tea. And let me go downstairs and make some fucking notes about it.

And what am I doing? I'm not making notes for today. Ain't nothing going to happen. Today ain't nothing going to happen fucking last Monday. And ain't nothing going to happen the rest of the fucking two weeks till New Year's Eve. I'm getting ready for 2021. You know, I'm starting off with a fucking surgery. I got two shows that Vinie's a Fit.

and the sixth. The seventh, I'm just going to relax, lift some weights, strengthen up the fucking muscle. And on the eighth, I'm going to shoot to that fucking hospital. Hopefully I'm home by two, three in the afternoon. It's my daughter's birthday. So you know I got to fucking do all my weight watch and weightlifting so I could fucking have some points,

have some Carvel cake to celebrate her eighth birthday. I'm looking forward to that. She's going to be fucking eight years old. How fucking time. fucking flies. I just still remember her holding her and then, you know, dancing with her and going

a fucking on a swing and pushing her and now we have normal conversations. It's truly been quite amazing. Sitting there with her on Saturday night, you know, like I said, watching the honeymoonism and thinking that

I lost my other daughter when she was five from the divorce. But I'm living the life with mercy that I want to live with my other daughter. So we're all not a void, you know, all debts are paid. That's it. We got, I'm doing what I was supposed to do. I got a second chance at it.

We're going to have a great Christmas. My wife got her a great tree, you know, and, uh, listen, I'm like you guys. If you think I jump in down, up and down around Christmas, I don't. I lost a mother at fucking 15, 16, and Christmas has never been the same. But you know what? I come around, especially for them. I've been coming around the last year. And every year I get better, trust me.

I don't like Santa. I'll tell you how much I hate Santa. My daughter hates Santa. I got a picture of my daughter when she was a year and a half, taking a picture with Santa. And we had to keep her away from Santa. It was Santa, my wife, me, and Mercy on the other side. She hates pedophiles.

She spots them. All those little Santas at the fucking malls, they're out looking. If they can finger bang one little kid, it's a success with them. They get 30 a day. I don't trust those sannas at a mall. They're the creepiest motherfuckers.

They keep a white beard all year long. What do they keep that white beard for? Because this is their season. Pedophilia season is their season. I may be wrong. You know me, I talk a lot of shit. I just don't trust those fucking Santas and malls and shit. Something suspicious.

I want to see the background check before my daughter sits on your leg, cucka. Something ain't right here. You got a little spot by your dick there. These fucking... These fucking Santa's... take a biagin they'll let your kids sit on them it's like a lap dance for them they're sitting it's fucking horrible but it's true i've seen it i've fucking seen these sannas i don't even like my daughter fuck one listen my daughter said to me she didn't like Santa i was kind of fucking

happy i don't like him too much either i didn't tell her that but i never been too crazy about fucking Santa you know he gives you something nice they don't even give it to you somebody else gives it to you but they got a bullshit your kid if i'm a kid when i get old at like 15 i thought my man would you lie to me those years What the fuck is right? Did you think I was that fucking stupid? Now you raise me to fucking think there's a Santa. I don't think she believes in Santa no more.

I think like it's an underring the rule. She figured it out. I haven't read it Santa out. My wife hasn't said none about Santa, but for some reason I think that she already knows. She figured it out. My wife took her to buy a gift the other day. Who the fuck knows and who the fuck cares?

I'm just telling you, get prepared for 2021. That's it. But I don't want you to think January 1st, you're going to wake up and it's like, hey, we're back on the bar breathing on people. Fuck you. It's going to be a while. It's going to be phases. And you're just going to have to adapt. And I know you didn't want to do construction, but it looks like you're going to do construction now. And I know that you didn't want to deliver fucking food, but you're going to have to deliver food now. You're going to do whatever you're going to have to do. This is going to change this forever. This is going to change the way we look at fucking things forever. You know, I'm looking at my comedy career. Between you and me, guys, I don't see it. I don't see a comedy career. I mean, I know that here in April, it's going to be fucking beautiful. And we're going to be able to do comedy outside, you know, fucking parking lots. And trust me, I'm excited for that because April and May are beautiful here.

I got no problems with working it out. You know, I know that by September, October, the crowds will be coming back a little bit. Once everybody gets their vaccine and everybody gets comfortable, you know, people took a beating, psychological beatings on this. People have taken psychological beatings. If you started this and you had a little, listen, a little bit of mental health issues, this fucking blew it up for you. My heart goes out to you.

Get help. Talk to somebody. Call one of your worthless fucking friends and talk to them for a fucking hour. You don't have psychiatry money. I don't give a fuck. You know, guys. I consider myself well-grounded. I consider myself a lot of good things.

Trust me, I'm a lot of bad things, too. I have a lot of weaknesses. But, man, when this pandemic started, it took me by surprise March and fucking April. It took me for a fucking mental world. It took me to a mental, fucking psychological state until about August or September. And I started lighting up by doing little coffees

with Rich Voss and little things with Jim and little things with friends from North Pergin. And in time, it took time, but listen, you can't let your guard down right now. I can't have you in a hospital over the fucking holidays. You know, you can't really tell people how to live their life, you know. I go on Facebook, I see you out of fucking clubs four nights a week. I don't want to hang out with you, jumping up and down with no fucking face mask. You know, Jim Pillarin brought up a great fact the other day.

He goes, I did a show the other night, and I realized why they close at 10. because of 10 o'clock is when we get fucking stupid. That's when we start getting drunk, and that's when we start fucking hugging people. Hey, man, I love you. Hey, man, I want to do this. Hey, man, I want to. Listen, I want to do a lot of things with you guys.

I believe in the power of this podcast. Trust them, I'm telling you. What I believe in the most is that it creates a bond between us. It really fucking does create a bond between us in the weirdest fucking way. I've never met half of you guys and you never met me. But then again, I know half you guys from fucking Jay Bish to Deborah Hubster to fucking Bob Lillingerus. You know, I know a lot of you guys. And I just know what you guys went through this year.

Jay just went through a horrible surgery. He's recovering, you know. Deborah Hubster's going to war with the fucking postal department every other fucking thing. you know, Bob Lillings has a job. Everybody's struggling at some point or another. Maybe not. Maybe you've got a great job. Maybe you're doing great financially.

But maybe you're sitting there all day behind a computer screen for eight fucking hours. At the end of the day, you can't even fucking blink. You're blinking like somebody poking the fucking eye. This has affected all of us. So don't take none of this shit personally. And don't think it's just fucking you and that the world is picking on you. I get like that sometimes, like I've gotten like this, maybe four days when they reclosed Mercy School and shit like this. This is just something we got to go through guys.

That's it and that's that. And we'll get through this, you know. But I understand the COVID thing. Like I said, I was going to do a New Year's thing with Jimmy and Rich Voss at one of the clubs. And listen, the clubs don't even want to open. They don't want to risk it for 25, 30 people. It's not even worth like a fucking New Year's. But I still wanted to do something for you on New Year's.

Maybe just come online for 20, 30 minutes, smoke a joint with you, you know. So we consider all these options. We did away with a fucking new year. You know, I don't want to drive back at fucking 12. I don't know what's going to be out there. I don't know. You just don't know. So everybody here is going day to day.

The most important thing I need for you to do is to relieve your stress. There's no debtors prison. you haven't paid rent tell the landlord to suck your dick tell him to suck your dick right to his face what's he going to do I think the moratorium ends in a week or two so I don't know like the building on fire I don't know what the fuck I'll tell you but everybody's struggling to the fucking shit is now

2121 is about hope it's about hope it's about personal hope you know but guess what this whole 21 21 should have been following what you've been doing already is working on your strengths. Whatever strengths you have, whatever weakness that you have, work on that. You know, I worked on little things myself,

little things that I had going on. You guys know I was in a bad place when I left L.A. I mean, look at the last 10 episodes of the church and look at me now. There's been a gigantic change. And look at the episodes from April and March. There's been a tremendous change. A huge weight has been lifting off my shoulder.

the best thing I ever did in my life. Listen, I've done a lot of bad things, but I've done maybe three good things. One of them is to get my family out of there. And how do I see it? By what the fuck is going on in LA right now? It's not good. I miss it.

I miss my friends. I wish him well. I spoke to Dean this morning. I speak to Ryan Sickler. You know me. I spoke to Steve Simone down in Florida. He's down there getting ready to buy a house. Listen, we all.

I had to adapt to different situations. Don't feel like this is all about you. And you got to be careful, man. You know, a lot of people don't see that, yeah, you may get it and bring it home and get somebody. And yes, the percentage rate is low. The whatever rate of transmission is low. You know, here it is. You know, I know that LA has become the epicenter.

I know that Boston the second and I know that fucking Tennessee, Memphis, the hospitals are the ICU rooms at 95%. So it's spreading. Take care of yourselves, you know? I hate to talk about this, but you have to from time to time

because it was out in the news and I wanted to talk about the other day. You know, people are getting in trouble for people calling out people. There comes an age where you don't do things. that just, listen, if you go out and drink right now and get in the car and you get drunk and get a DUI, it affects you a little bit when you're young.

A couple weeks, you're on a bus, your friends pick you up, they drive you. When you get to 32, 33, 34, and you got a wife and a kid, you get drunk, you get a fucking DUI, a lot of people get affected. Now your grandmother has to come, your mother-in-law has to come

and take your kid to karate, you know, you just... So life is about how much your decisions affect how many people. When I went to prison, yeah, I went to prison, it affected fucking me.

It's not until I was in prison that I realized when people come to visit me to look on their faces. The look on their faces was fucking heartbreaking. Because they hated seeing me sitting there

with an orange fucking suit on. Hey, I get it. So when I went to prison, I affected 10 people. I disappointed 10 people. So every decision that you do in your life, as you get older, as you start having more responsibility, it fucking, you know, it affects more people. And you don't even know it.

You don't even know it. I know that the podcast affects people in positive ways sometimes. And I know that I get emails. that affects people in negative ways sometimes. Nothing you can do. You know, when you have 250,000, 300,000 people watching you per episode, you're going to have people that are not going to like it, and you're going to have people that are really hit home with.

That's the main thing. Not everybody is always going to be happy with your decision. But, you know, last week, I was reading this thing. I know you all read about it with Tom Cruise going off on the set of fucking Mission Impossible. were fucking 19 or whatever. People all pissed off. Tom Cruise shouldn't have spoken like that. You know, five of the fags quit on the fucking set, you know.

What are they going to do now? Go work at Spotify? You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, nothing bothers me more than the L.A. mentality. I did not do well in L.A., especially when I stopped doing blow. You know why? Because I told you what was on my mind. I didn't give a fuck.

There was no. There was never a filter, but once I stopped doing coke, that little fear of not being able to do coke, that addiction, then there was no filter. And then I would tell you exactly what I thought, how I felt about it, whether you liked it or not. Oh, and then once I got married, my trainer thought changed again in 2009. And then I had mercy in 2013, and boy, the people started hating what I had to say. Because I'm going to tell you what the fuck it is. that my decision not only affects me now and my wife, but it affects my fucking seven-year-old fucking daughter.

Tom Cruise is trying to make a movie. The fucking franchise believes in him. This franchise, this studio, whoever the fuck it is, I'm not going to sit here and tell you, I don't know what the studio is. But this studio could have said, no. We're going to push this movie back to all this COVID is over. So somebody has to go in there and say that,

and listen, this is what I want to do. I will give you my word that I will make this fucking work. Okay, now, let me tell you guys a little something that you guys don't know that you don't read behind the background. When COVID started, it shut everything down. But once production got back going, SAG decided, you're ready for this? My union, Screen Actors, Guilt, has been great, great insurance, all this thing. They did something that, like I said, some people's decisions you like,

and some people's decisions you don't care alike. And I get it. That's why there's vanilla and chocolate. That's why there's assholes and dicks. You know what I'm saying? You don't want to suck a dick. You can always take it in the asshole. You've got fucking options.

Okay? So, SAG went to look and look, don't quote me on this. This is what I just heard. And then I saw it and I didn't know for sure. When this went down, when COVID went down, everything shut down for a few weeks.

But then SAG sent out an email, The people don't make a lot of money in sec. I don't know what the number was, you know, 8,000, 9,000 a year doing screen actors Guildwork. And they sent an email. I want to know how you would feel, guys. They sent an email because I know you're on, you're all hardworking people. A lot of years of ITs, a lot of years of bartenders, but a lot of years also a blue collar. Okay.

And I want to know how you would feel about this. So what they did was they called a bunch of actors that weren't making, you know, anywhere near to a fucking living, which, you know, 30% of the actors in L.A. make what a living is. The other fucking 70 starved to debt. So they contacted, you know, just actors that weren't making much money. And they said, hey, hi. How would you like to be in work closely with producers and directors? Okay, now let's talk from the art here. There's some actors. You have to be very, very, very intelligent to act at some levels. When you see the guy that played back man, the fucking English guy, you know,

when you see people like Alfred Molina, when you see people like John Berthaw, those are people who fucking study. They wanted to access to time they were fucking six. That's just the way life works out. But in LA, you got these people that have watched Sionat Live, they got money, and they go out there, and all they know, I want to be an actor, I want to be an actor. You didn't even write out why you wanted to be an actor

and how you were going to become an actor. They just go, I want to be an actor, I want to be an actor, they sign, they pay all the dough for acting class, and guess what, nothing never happens. Why do you think? Well, I'll tell you, as nicely as I can't, because they're fucking morons. They've never watched a TV show.

They, you know, they just think, I don't be an actor, I want to be an actor, and they end up fucking waitressing, then they end up fucking being a waiter, and then it's always a bad ending. When you want something,

you have to go after. Like, I didn't want to be a fucking actor. Do look at my face. Do I look like I wanted to be a fucking actor? But when I got there, I had to make money. So I fucking got up every Wednesday, and I got the L.A.

fucking weekly and I sent in submissions and I acted, but I didn't want to be a fucking actor. It was just something that I didn't mind doing and I thought it was cool to do from time to time. Then I realized I had to do it to keep my fucking insurance. So what they fucking did was they sent out emails, how would you like to meet directors and producers and work with the best actors in the business and all these people raised their hands? And they said, yay, because God forbid, you know, There's no fucking desperation.

Yay! And these guys said, okay, you're going to become COVID agents. And they're like, what? But I'm an actress. Don't worry about it. What you do is you take some type of fucking course online, 72 hour, like, it's like maybe a three-hour read. Do not quote me on this.

I don't know exactly what this is. And you get certified, and now you get 400 a day to work on a set how much do you know about fucking COVID it's like when you go I never went there but I just heard from friends

who did go there when you go to Dodge Stadium to get a fucking COVID test or any of those mass places do you think those people are really nurses are you retarded

you can't be that stupid that people are hired to give you a fucking swab to put it in your nose and put it back you know, there's a chance for human error. Human error is like, what, 8%, 7%, something to do with that. And then the people that are giving you that test not for nothing,

they might be a fucking moron too. They might put your test into Leszette Gonzalez's fucking name. And now you're walking around thinking you've got COVID with no symptoms and you're asymptomatic. So this whole thing is confusing for me when, listen, When I go to buy weed, I want to buy weed from the grow. I want to tell me everything. Whatever I do, I want to go to the fucking source.

Okay, I want. What I'm trying to say to is, I want to work with the best people that I'm available to work with. Okay, now, again, I pay commissions on my acting work, plus I pay union dues every fucking year. And listen, guys, I'm telling you right now, those union dues are not fucking light. they bang you out every fucking three months

and if you don't pay those fucking union dues you're not allowed to shoot I forget what it's called you just get a call and say hey they call it something you're F66 or some shit and you're not allowed to fucking work until you pay your fucking dues

trust what I'm telling you they won't let you step on that fucking thing if your fucking dues are paid not one fucking time so even though I don't work I still fucking pay my dues even my wife's like why the fuck are you paying your do is they sent a bill up. I mean, a lot of actors were pissed. They went on social media,

like, how day you send a bill out when you didn't fucking pass? But anyway, let's get back to the fucking COVID story here. So what you're telling me is, what you're telling me is, you're getting four out of work actors to be fucking COVID, uh, whatever the fuck you call them. And they have no experience of COVID. Have you at, well, we hire, one of them. One of them, we go halfway? Why don't we hire a nurse's practitioner and three assistants? I can live with that. Three women who'll tell you, listen, you can't stand so close. Mask on, mask off. If you're not working, you have to go back to your trailer. I did it with the Sopranos, with the many saints in Newark. And it worked perfectly. Everybody there, they just hired a company. But see, people are going to be

cheap during this fucking pandemic. You know, producers are going to try to save money with kinky fucking companies and shit, and everybody's going to end up getting fucking sick. My man, the African-American brother and Tyler, whatever his name is, Tyler Perry, you haven't heard a complaint from his fucking camp because he did the NBA before the NBA did it. He did the acting bubble before the NBA did it. You don't have any complaints from running at Tyler Perry's fucking shows.

I would work for Tyler Perry in a heartbeat if he called me because it's a thing of fucking trust. So getting back to Tom Cruise, he has his movie already got shot down one time. Okay? I don't know how many fucking days because the crew member had fucking COVID. So he just throws a tantrum.

Not even a bad tantrum. It wasn't like the fucking Irish guy. What's the English guy that played Batman when he went off on everybody and called them all a bunch of fucking name? It wasn't even as bad as that. It wasn't even a third as bad as Johnny Depp's fucking little fit downtown. It wasn't even a fit.

He was just explaining that, listen, this is what this movie, how much fucking, do you know how much a day it cost to produce those Mission Impossible movies? Cost to 200,000 or three, 400,000 a fucking day to do those fucking movies. So if you blow three or four fucking days, that's $1.2 million now. I'm not a financier. I don't give a fuck about financing. I don't get financing for movies. But I do know one thing.

I love human beings. And if you're going to get involved in a movie, I want you to, listen, I've done a thousand, $200 a day movies, $100 a day movies. Those are the movies and they couldn't get the exact amount of financing. But that person wants their dream

to be out there. But for their dream to get out, they're gonna cut all the fucking corners they can and now I gotta come work for you while you got to cut more corners I don't like working with people who cut corners I never fucking have there's always gonna be and especially during a pandemic I got an awful work in Wilmington North Carolina I don't know these people you know two days on some fucking what I read was fucking ass wipe shit so I'm not gonna go to North Carolina to work with a bunch of people to stand some fucking Motto 6

where I'm in danger, bringing back fucking COVID, getting it from somebody or giving it to somebody. You know, I get a lot of bullshit for the fucking podcast. Right now, we're in no position to bring guests into this fucking house. A friend of mine, can I come over

and be a fly on the wall? How about you'd be a fly on my nuts? Nobody's coming over. I don't want nobody over here at all. For Chris, I don't want nobody over here. Mike is my brother. Mike wears a mask. Mike goes home.

Mike ain't out jumping up and down with a bunch of jerk-orbs, you know, free the Yugoslavians, who gives a fuck? Now is not the time to be out there jumping up and down to free, whoever the fuck of this. Mind your goddamn business. So when I hear Tom Cruise's rant about eight, guys, what the fuck?

You do it again, you're fucking gone. This is enough. We already shut this fucking movie down. The quicker we fucking shoot this, the quicker we get this fucking over with. You understand it? This is the way I looked at it. Hey, when I shot the fucking show,

The Soprano movie, The Many Saints in Newark, it was a great experience. I'm not going to lie to you. Wearing the mask, taking it off. The people were a little heavy duty, but guess what? I lived to tell another fucking day. They even sent somebody down here after the movie was finished to give me a COVID test to make sure that their system is fucking working. Like I said, stand-up comedy, you could suck my dick, because I know half of your fucking clubs.

half of you motherfuckers are filthy by nature. Instead of naughty by nature, you're filthy by fucking nature, okay? And now you're cleeping your clubs open during this fucking pandemic when there's more fucker shit to be afraid of and more shit to be weary of and you're still cleeping your clubs open. Closing down. Steam them.

I want us to make sure you... For me to step into any fucking club, they better have an ultraviolet night at night that stays on while the gym is closed so it kills all that stuff. They better have the best in ampurifiers. That's the only way you're going to get me in your fucking comedy club right now. That's it.

And a small fucking amount of people. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. I'm just trying to fucking work on my art and keep sharp. I don't know. I don't know. My stand-up is fucking weak. I don't even know what I'm going to say tonight at Vinnie's. I've been working on things, but I don't know.

It's not too fucking good. At least I'm honest with you. At least I'm not sitting here going. I'm killing every fucking day. Fuck those assholes. Thank God I'm away from that shit. But anyway, you can't get mad at a guy like Tom Cruise for fucking being mad, you know, act or whatever.

He's protecting his interest. He was saying what needs to be said. And I listened to it twice and I giggled about it. I'm like, go Tom Cruise, Johnny Scientologist. I'm good. And then two days later, I read George Clooney stuck up from him. He just said he would have done it a little bit. differently, which I also appreciate also.

Somebody pulls you aside and says, hey, man, but you know what? That's a problem with L.A. You can't say nothing to anybody because once you say something to somebody, you become what they call abusive. God forbid you say something to somebody on a set in L.A. Right away, oh my God, he said things I've never heard before. And that's what those people are saying. Now, just to back up something right now.

And if you don't believe me, I'll give you names. I got a dear friend Ricky Cruz on Miami, opened up for me and the Bogota a couple of years ago. Great kid, known him for 20 years. He was Ricky Cruz. He was Tom Cruise's body dab on Rock of Ages. I know. Tom Cruise does 20,000 movies Ricky Cruises.

Isn't the worst one he's ever done. The one that they torture them for the most. So Ricky doubled him I talked to Ricky about Tom Cruise Didn't say a negative thing about him Said the guy was great He'd bring me smoothies every day on the set As a matter of fact

I know 10 other people Just a short number That I've worked with Tom Cruise Zip problems They found them to be pleasant They found them to be great I know a girl that told me the best two people She ever worked with

Was Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise Cruz. Cameron Diaz took in the fucking DC for the weekend and South Beach for the weekend. These actors are good people when they work with you and they know that they're making a lot more money than you are. And when they see that you're fucking hustling, they take care of you on the set. Not that they give you an envelope, but they ask you for things. They bring in sushi, whatever. They try to make your life more pleasant. I've always heard great things about Tom Cruise. Always. Always. Let's forget about Scientology and suck in Travolta's Day. I don't know, that's got nothing to do with me.

I don't know about Travolta. I do know about Tom Cruise and what I've heard. Hey, man, let me tell you something. If I had a movie franchise and I'm getting, you know, $50 million per movie and I'm in charge of 300 people on a fucking set, guess what, motherfuckers?

I'm going to say some shit from time to time because you are responsible. it's the same reason why I haven't been on a plane to fucking all these states that are wide open yeah that's great they're wide open I know you're going to socially distance I know nobody

nobody's got nobody's got nobody's got a test yesterday I know no no nobody's got nothing you know what before we go to all that bullshit let's just shake hands and part friends let's just assume that everybody in this motherfucker got COVID and I'll see you motherfuckers next year

okay when half of you He has got the vaccine, you got the penguin shot into your arm. Whatever the fuck you want to do, you can do. It's got nothing to fucking do with me. But for right now, when you call me to fucking make an offer, you better have an ultraviolet light, air filters. I want to hear the whole fucking plan on paper so I can sign it and you can sign it. And if there's a misunderstanding, we'll see each other in court

because you're putting people's lives in fucking danger. You know, it's not 11 people office. a movie usually has 200 people on a fucking set. That's a fucking super spreader. And they just had to cancel the movie somewhere and moved it to another fucking location. So what do you want, poor Tom Cruise to say? What do you want to say, hi guys?

Can you know? What the fuck are we talking about here? You fucking dummies. Let's separate. And half he is like Joey. You're on Tom Cruise's fucking dick. No, I'm not. I don't want to be in a Tom Cruise movie.

I don't give a fuck about movies, anything no more. I'm just telling you the reports that come out of L.A. and how people act when you call out, you know, when you just say something to him, hey, just separate it. Oh, my God, he did this entire explosion speech. And a lot of people are like, oh, he had a bad day. He didn't have a bad day. He was protecting his fucking investments.

You've got to look after your friends. If not, why fucking have him? You got to look after the people you work with. If not, what happened? You got to look at up to that guy. What if he has fucking grandmother? He goes home and his grandm motherfucking dies. It was all because of your nonsense and your stupid movie

because I had to do something for your fucking dream. Go fuck yourself. I walk up on you. It's like some guy one night I was at Uncle Vinny's. You know, Eddie Trunk was in the room. I did something that I would never do in other circumstances. Some kid knocked in the door with three cocktails in him, looked at me and Trunk and Jimmy Florentina.

He goes, I want to talk to you, you and you. When I got a minute, I go, do me a favor. Get the fuck out of you and lock the door. And they just slam the door on his face. I'm a Catholic. I don't slam my doors in nobody's face unless that are Jehovah Witness. I don't do that type of shit. But it's COVID.

What are you knocking on the fucking door for? You know exactly what I'm going to fucking say to you. I'm going to say something that's not going to be very fucking nice. It's COVID. We did a show. We entertained you. We got to see each other. You know what?

If I take a picture with you, I got to take a picture with the other 38 people. I might have a chance of fucking getting something or might not get something. So better yet, let's just shake hands apart friends. But that's it. Before you're going to fucking attack poor Tom Cruise, go fuck yourself. He's just, this is how people need to act. $1,500 fine if you get caught without a face mask in Cuba.

Ain't nobody in Cuba got $1,500. So guess what? Everybody wore a mask. Have you seen the numbers for Cuba lately? Google. Yeah, but Joey, they're a time in this country. What the fuck are we becoming? What the fuck are we becoming?

I could smell those Fidel fatigues in the air. You can't smell it? Close the 10. No school. You know, close the beauty shops. You can't sing a Thanksgiving. Fidel, you're starting to smell Fidel a lot more. more than what the fuck you are.

So what are you talking about? What, what, what two-thirds there? They, they want us to fucking go Tommy or whatever the fuck they want us. It's our job to say, go fuck yourself. But that,

that's not the fucking situation in hand. The thing I'm talking about is protecting the people around you. And that's what Tom Cruise did. I got nothing but love for that motherfucker. I love him in collateral. I love him in the one where he played the fucking drug,

dealer fucking plane. I love the guy. I don't care about the scientist. I love them in Vanilla Sky with Cameron Diaz. Say whatever the fuck you want. You got to protect your own, especially during this time of COVID. If you're not going to do that,

close your fucking business up and quit. I don't give a fuck. You're going to starve anyway, the fucking debt. You got to look after the people in your lives. You know, Christmas Eve, you know, look around. Do you really want to be at a place for 19 fucking people?

you haven't taken a test. You don't know for sure. Yeah, I go someplace if there's 20 people. But I'm going to take a test. So I know I'm not the one. As a matter of fact, I'll probably take two tests. I'll probably take two tests. I know I'm taking a test tomorrow again.

I'm going to take a test before Christmas Eve. Just what the fuck? My insurance pays for it. What do I give a fuck? Get tested. Don't go stand on the line with 300 other people that are breathing. Even if you leave, you're going to test positive. They're going to send you an email, send you test positive at those sites.

Randomly huge sites. Don't go to those fucking places. Who don't urgent care? Pay the $35, whatever the fuck it is, and you'll be well off. And that's it and that's that. It's fucking Christmas, man. It's Christmas. I think Rite Aid is free.

Right. Aid is free. Again, you get what you pay for. If you go to Rite Aid, you don't know what the fuck is going to get. It's free. They might fucking, you know. Again, you get what you pay for. I don't know what your plans are,

and I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know what situation or your mental stability is, but I do want to wish you guys and all your families are happy fucking a Merry Christmas. I want this Christmas to be fucking extra special. This Christmas should be extra, extra special. And you're sitting there going, Joey, why is it extra special? I got no money.

I got no this. I got no job. This is why it's extra special. Because it teaches you that the people in your life are worth more than what you put value on them for. They're just not some fucking schnooks. You're going to go to their house on Thursday night or Friday and you're going to see what real love is without, you know,

it's a fucking pandemic. People are down. So I want you to do me a favor this week, man, guys. You know, this is the time of the year when you see people going around, you know, moving from me. here to hear doing this, doing that. You know, but you know what, man, they're a little fucking nicer when they're doing it.

You know, there's people, they smile at you. It's the fucking holidays, man. Again, the next couple days, try to make somebody's day. Smile, keep a door open for them. You know, tell them you'll help them carry that. Whatever the fuck it is. This all goes to the universe and the universe is watching. 2021, you don't need the universe more than ever.

You're going to have to call on a, are so many carmic favors that you did over the years, whether it's not kick a dog, whatever the fuck it is, you're gonna fucking call on all the carmic favors you did. The best thing you could do is forget about what you're going through, forget about what's in your pocket, forget about what you're not getting,

and think about what you do have and how lucky we have that. We're still alive. We still have each other. I'm sure a lot of years lost loved ones this year, and I'm very fucking sorry about that. You can't bring them. back. It's what we could do to move forward. From the joint, from Uncle Joey's joint, from my man, Mike, and one-by-one podcast, we want to wish you a merry fucking Christmas, uh, you know, a great weekend.

We'll worry about New Year. We'll burn that bridge when we get through. Who gives a fuck about New Year's? Christmas is special. New Year's is amateur night for a bunch of people to go out and get raped. Maybe, maybe they'll let Harvey out on New Year's with Giselle Maxwell, whatever, her fucking name is those two fucking pedophile cock suckers but no pedophiles, no nothing, straight love from my family to yours, from Mike's

family to yours, from one by one podcast from yours and from Uncle Joey's joint to yours. We wish you a merry, merry fucking Christmas. Patreon, I'm happy you got the fucking shirts. Oh shit, I made them

come true for you. You guys have no idea what you did for me in July and August by answering your fucking you know emails by making me produce content you guys kept me there I love doing my Patreon three five ten dollars I don't know what I'm gonna do with the shirt tier I want to keep the prices low especially now fucking Netflix want the 17 fucking dollars you know now you got to pay for this that so I'm trying to keep your prices low

for next year if you want to buy a shirt you can buy a fucking shirt if not you know do what you need to do I appreciate you being around it gives me a chance to express myself

with the Reefish show the album of the week my morning motivations I do two Joey Diaz projects on there which I love doing those podcasts because I'm able to play around with some music and explain to you a little bit more

about my knowledge for it my love and my passion for music I want to thank you guys I want to thank you for making this possibly one of the best Christmases I ever have. Because of all the bad shit that's going on, we're going to make this Christmas fucking good. Merry Christmas. Thank you guys. I love you.

And thank you for watching Uncle Joey's joint. Stay Blackhawks, others. All right, you bad motherfuckers are two days away from Christmas. Obviously, you got one shop left a day left, but what are you going to do about that? I can't help you out with that. But I want to thank you. I want to thank you for having our backs throughout the year, having my back, welcoming Mike, you know, just understanding what's going on. Like I said, this podcast is a work in progress.

But before we get the fuck out of here, I want to talk to you about something that's very important to me. Hygiene. Men's hygiene is very important. Beside my fungi toe, I don't have a lot of problems. You understand me? You know why? Because I shaved my balls. I clean my helmet.

I use fucking lotion, so my skin don't get dry. I work. I do whatever day I can. But the most important gift you can give yourself this year is manscape. Why?

Because if your dick looks like a fucking hurricane went through it. With hairs all over the place, women ain't going to want to suck that. I mean, you're having problems already. At least show up with a fucking great dick. Listen, you want a 10,000 piece of ass, you can't show up with a $10 looking dick.

that looks like it went to some fucking, you know, hurricane fucking, looks like Puerto Rico after the hurricane. You don't need that shit. So right now, today, you're gonna go to manscape.com, and you're gonna pick up the performance package. You're like, Joe, what's the performance package? The performance package starts off, number one. With this right here, you're like, Joey, what's that?

This is the Longmore 3.0, the best trim of known to man fucking kind. You fucking wipe around your little dipstick and your nut sack. with this and if you want to have your wife scrape your ball sack or if you're gay do the same i don't know somebody somebody will help you out shaving your asshole this is tremendous manscape number two the performance package also gives you the weed whacker i love this fucking thing i love this i trim my asshole with it and then i put it in my nose and sniff my nose hairs as they chop away it's a two-for-wana right there nine thousand fucking RPM motor and a blade that moves at 360 degrees to clean out the fucking nose pubs,

the COVID dust, and God knows what else you got your filthy nose, you're disgusting, hepatitis C looking motherfucker. You also get the crop preserver, which is fucking tremendous, and you get the crop reviver. The preserver is a bald deodorant. I don't need bald deodorant. I want that natural patois in my nutsack. But the Reviver, that's like fucking, that's like putting wrinkle cream on for women. You put it on your nut sack as better.

Listen, listen, it's either this of preparation age. You have a preparation age on your ball sack. It looks like a baby's fucking head. You know what I'm saying? It's tremendous. This is a lot better. The Reviver plus you get a gift bag and a pair of travel shorts. This year, end the year by taking care of you.

Manscape, like your Uncle Joey. Get 20% off and free shipping at Manscape.com. Use promo code Joey. That's 20% off of ad free shipping at Manscape.com. Use promo code Joey. Happy holidays from my nutsack to yours, you cock suckers. And you know what? I bet Manscape would do a fucking pleasure for a women's little monkey.

You shave her on that fucking clip right there. Right above the clip, you leave it open. You leave some hair like a little patch. You don't want the motherfucker. It's like a to pay for the pussy. You know what I'm saying? The church. The joint is also brought to you by.

One of my all-time personal favorites. Been with them since day, motherfucking one. Alpha Brain. The flagship of the operation. Why do I say that? Because if you buy AlphaBrain, you don't think it helps you. Don't give you your money back and you keep the product. Nobody else does that.

You ever go to Sichuan place or Chinese joint? They don't. If you don't like the food, they give it back to you? Fuck, no. They tell you to go fuck yourself. Honit doesn't do that. When the company does that, that tells me you have belief. Audit also comes on it.

Alka brain also comes in an instant in case you don't like pills and capsules. Tremendous flavors, ruby red grapefruit. And we also have Shroom Tech Amune, Shum Tech Sport, New Mood. Listen, Audit is a lot. is the future. That's why he's called on it. Go to honor.com right now. Look at the great line of products they have and get back to me. Cuck Sucker. All right. This is the way you're going to start off your year. Healthy. Fucking. I don't know if you're going to be wealthy.

Healthy, which is the most important thing. You can't get the wealth unless you have your help. So it all starts with your fucking mind and your insides. I love you guys very much. I want to thank Honored again. I want to thank Manscape for having them back and watch the video. I fucking trim my ball sack and I throw hairs of people. That's what you do. You trim your ball sack and you keep putting the hair in there.

There wasn't a lot of hair in the fucking baggie this year because I stay on my shit. I trim my nut sack every two weeks. You know what I'm saying? So take care of yourself. Give yourself a little manscape for Christmas. Get yourself a little half a brain for Christmas

and you start the new year right. I love you guys. Merry Christmas. Enjoy your families and I'll see you Cox Suckers Monday morning. Tip Top McGoo. ready to fucking go. Stay black. I said, no COVID here, cucketters.