The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #027 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Today, we talk about the goals for the year.... This episode is brought to you by MVMT Watches & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.MVMT.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.cbdlion.com and enter Code: JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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Candles lit, cock suckers. Let's get this party started. Hey, look who it is. What's happening? Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. Hey! Happy New Year, Cucksuckers.

Where you've been? A long fucking week. But it's a new year, new options, new choices. This is it. This is your year. Everybody was wait for 2021. It's going to be different.

Well, I went outside fucking Friday morning, and there were still people wearing mess. So nothing really changed. You know what I'm saying? But happy 2021 from the bottom of my fucking heart. God knows what's going to happen. I don't see no movement until fucking April here. I'm over here in the fucking winters.

So ain't nothing going to happen for us here. We're in the house. Thank God she's got school and everything else is working out. I'm sorry about New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve was a fucked up night for a lot of people. I think that too many people were on fucking Zoom. You know, I got approached by like three different companies to two different things on New Year's.

We were thinking about first, me, Rich Voss, and Florentine were thinking about doing a show. 25 people in the audience and live streaming it around the world. We thought about that. And then I was concerned about the COVID numbers. So we were going to each do a COVID test and have like a wild and out type podcast over at Rich's house. I thought about that. You know, I wanted to entertain people on New Year's Eve because I know there wasn't going to be shit to do.

I wanted to get like 20 fucking joints, you know. take the edibles I got and fucking just get fucked up pass out on New Year's along with you guys but something wasn't rubbing me the right way like the company the deals were great and the numbers are great I was going to keep it down at 10 bucks

I'm not here to rate nobody you know but something didn't feel right I didn't want to do the stand up because it was going to be international and obviously I'm fucking rusty and I didn't want to fucking do the podcast either because I just felt I don't know

I was like, I wouldn't that many people really want to be on a fucking computer. After they're on a computer all fucking day and all fucking week. So it's like, you know what? I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll keep it simple. I'll just do nothing. And then I got a call from Ozzy's Boneyard. And they said, do you mind calling in for New Year's 1130 after Ozzie and Sharon?

I go, fuck, yeah. What are you fucking nuts? That's like the opportunity of a lifetime That wasn't my first off Between you and I And the fucking and Mike And the fucking four walls If it wasn't for Ozzy's bonyard

I would have been in bed at 10 o'clock 10.30 just like last year I go to bed early on New Year's Eve I don't know I just want to wake up To a new fucking horizon That's it I don't want to hear what comes with The fireworks

Mexican shooting guns Chinese people throwing buckets of water. I don't want to deal with this shit. So I just usually go to bed. But once they said, do you want to do the fucking keep, fuck yeah. And I figured, you know what I'll do? This is my plan, guys.

This is where my heart is. Just so you know. I was going to do a stream through YouTube for my Patreon people. So they could see my Zoom interview with Keith

Roth, you know, like a behind the scenes type thing, just to, you know, just to fucking give you something on New Year's different. Instead of me sitting here smoking a fucking joint, talking stupidity, that's something different, a little behind the scenes who were on fucking Zoom. And then once that ended, I would have smoked a joint with you. And we've done the countdown.

And at 12 o'clock, I would have fucking broken the camera and everybody goes to sleep. That was the plan. But when I got in, Everything was already set up. Before I left, to go to my friend's house, we set everything up, me and my wife. Everything was ready to fucking go. When we got back in here, the fucking Zoom didn't work, the Ozzy's Boneyard.

And here I'm on Zoom. I'm on the Zoom, and I'm watching Mark Weiss. I'm seeing the other singer from, not Slaughter, some other singer, Sebastian Bach. I'm watching all these fucking guys on Zoom that are going to call into Hazi's Boneyard but we're all talking together but the host

not Keith his assistant, the guy, he couldn't hear me we're going back and forth till fucking 1140 we're going back and forth it had to be 1140, 1138 and finally the guy hung up a sign and just said call so that fucked up the whole

fucking Zoom thing. So now I had a call. So I was going to stream through my phone. So I had to take the fucking phone down and call Ozzy's Boneyard. Great, great fucking whatever. I had a great time. It was an honor.

You know, I grew up on Ozzy, love everything about them. I had a great time. But then we went over. And then I went looking for the fucking link on YouTube to connect with you guys and the link was gone. So I go, fuck it. I must have made, I must have made six links. I don't know if you've ever YouTube live.

They always tell you when you set the appointment, you got to take a picture. I take it like sometimes I don't even know the pictures come. My glasses are sideways, whatever. I just pressed the fucking thing and the picture took, you don't many pictures? I took six pictures. the thing wouldn't let me log on. Then I fucking come in

just the same way me and Mike do it. I fucking logged in the microphone. The same way I do the morning music for Patreon, I logged in the microphone, did the whole fucking thing. Had a great time, smoked a tremendous, join us on Wikiweed, fucking

out of L.A. tremendous. W.I.K. Oh, they sent me a fucking bag of it. Tremend. I saw the fucking, all my boys out of urban trees. One of my boys flew back for a couple days, and he dropped off a bag. You understand me?

So I was about to smoke 15 joints with you guys. So I did the best I could. I did like a 15-minute video breaking down a year, the year and review, whatever. I put the video up. I'm happy as fuck. I make the tape for the next morning. And next thing, you know, I wake up the next day,

and they're like, they got no audio. on it. But then I started hearing people having problems. I know that Jesselmey Paluso was on doing with Josh Wolf. And that didn't go down. Josh Wolf couldn't get his started either. I heard there were problems with Burke Reishers

and Tom Segorri's live stream. So you know what? I knew it wasn't just me. What happened was I guess you motherfuckers didn't get enough of fucking Zoom and you were still zooming on fucking New Year's Eve. So you fucked it up for everybody with your fucking

Zoom. Well, you just can't pick up the phone like a normal human being. I see that shit sometimes. Like on Facebook, like 12 idiots, like the Brady Bunch, getting together and talking. Are you fucking retarded? I can't, I can't do that. I can't keep up. About three months ago, one of my childhood friends who I loved the debt, he was on the show, Steve Avillo, I love him around my heart. He hit me up and he goes, let's do a Zoom with a bunch of us from high school. And I tried, The Zoom went down. Thank God that night. My Zoom had gone down.

This is, I think this is back in L.A. I was here. It was here. The Zoom went down, and I was like, kind of happened because it was too many faces. I couldn't fucking deal with it. I'm just not fucking good at it. But anyway, we're here. It's 2021.

Something interesting happened to me last week that I feel a lot better about. Listen, this has been a long fucking journey for me. unwinding from this whole experience. You know, it's been a great. We had a great holiday. Listen, man, my kid's happy than she's ever been. My kid's happier and on top of things more than she's ever been. If I've ever done anything right, this was it.

But at the same time, I started getting doubts. You know, I talk to you people all the time about different things. doubt is one of those things that you can't ever get. And for years, I avoided doubt like a motherfucker. There's two things I avoid. Doubt and thinking. Thinking too much will fucking destroy your insides. And if you doubt yourself, you're going to have it.

And lately, I've been doing both of them. And it's fucked me up. And you could see it. You can hear it in my voice. You could see it on my podcast. You can see me when I'm on stage. I'm excited about this week. because I got Vinny's Tuesday and Wednesday.

I got two sets back to back. I'm excited about it. It's the first time I have two sets back to back since last fucking January. How's that for you? Back to back night until yeah. And had it be last February. How's that for you?

So, you know, I have the surgery on Friday. I got doctor's appointments all fucking week. I'm fucking swamped out the ass. But the thing that's been really bothering me ever since I got off the plane was what I was going to do with my life. You know, my life has changed completely. You know, once I watched the Comedy Store documentary, that was the end.

That was the end for me. Like, that was, like, telling me, like, a goodbye on film, you know. So since I watched that, I've had my doubts about my life and stand-up. I'm going to be 58 in fucking February. I'm not a spring chicken anymore. more, you know. So I've had my doubts lately. I don't know. You know, I spoke to Ronald White on the phone a few times. You guys saw him on Rogan talking about him retiring. So I was like, maybe, you know, I don't,

I don't know how much longer. You know, I don't like sucking at something I was really good at at one time. I don't like it. I don't like sucking at something that I was really good at at one time. That was like second nature to me, stand up. And now I go up. then I'm kind of clunky. And I know that I just need three weeks of fucking like triple runs. Like just getting up there and working them out and banging them out. But that's not available right now. They'll become available in April.

In April, once they start opening up shit outside and stuff, wants the vaccine. You know, I think that will be back indoors next September. I'm hearing that buildings in New York aren't allowed, you're not allowed to go back until July. I'm talking about stand-up comedy. You know, I'm going to. have this surgery on Friday.

I'm going to take like two or three weeks off just to get, you know, my legs squared away. In the first week of February, I'm back at Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant, and I'm going to be straight there every Wednesday on. That's just the way it's going to be until this opens back up, and I could do comedy on a fucking regular basis. But I just recently decided that. And what made me decided, as dumb as it seems, what may be decided is Sylvester Stallone.

The other night I watched the movie, Rocky Bowball. Listen, if it wasn't for Sylvester Stallone during this pandemic, I think I would have killed myself. Between the Rambo's and the fucking Rockies, they put on every fucking night. And you know what?

You just put them on some nights just to kill time. It's not even like you're watching them anymore. You know every fucking line of it. But I didn't remember this Rocky Bob Ball one. I don't think I saw it. Maybe I was on the road. Maybe I was too busy with my life. It's about him being 58.

And they did like a computerized, generized one of those computer fights. And he actually beats the champion. Who was at the time? This big African-American American guy. And it just, you know, like it made him think. Like, what if? You know, obviously they went to see him two guys

and they gave him a fucking earbeaten. about why he should box again and all this shit. And he went in front of the board, and they told him he was too old. And, you know, I didn't even watch the rest of the movie. I got caught up with something. It didn't really matter. But when he went in front of his board hearing,

they told him that they rejected his license because he was too old and he was, you know, that they didn't want to be responsible for him, that they felt like they would, you know, put him out there. to be killed. And he was going, what does age have to do with it? What does being at 58 want to do with it?

You're telling me I can't do what I want to do at 58? Because you're scared for me? Why would you be scared for me? Let me do what I'm going to do. I'm not going to sue anybody. His whole rap was that you're not dead at 58. I'm not dead yet. I'm not dead at 58.

It's so weird, like when you're 20 and you think of 30 or 40 or 60, you like, that's fucking old. Guys, I don't know if you know this. Fucking kids did a show on New Year's Eve. Imagine being 70 with heels on. On fucking stage,

singing Detroit, Rock City. You know, 70 is like the new 50. When I was a kid, 50, you were fucking old. And 70, people just blew dust off you. people just stuck you with darts like you're dead you're gonna die any fucking day you're like a bosson

now people have fucking lives so i'm sitting there watching this and i'm like you know what i'm not dead yet i'm not dead yet maybe you know maybe i'm feeling this way about comedy because i'm not doing it every night so i decided to do a bunch of fucking things differently that's why i didn't finish the movie i didn't finish the movie i didn't finish the movie because it motivated me watching that so much that I waited to Mercy, went to bed, I went upstairs, I kissed her. I usually put her up there at 9.

And then I go in there around 9.30, she's still reading. She stays up to like 10. I don't fucking know. I went on at about 9.30 and gave her a kiss. And I ran down to the office. And I just really, really wanted to think about what I wanted to fucking do.

And I got, I went back old school. You know me, dog. I'm an old school motherfucker. I go back to what works. I made a line If you want I go get it And show it to you

Fucking horrible I made a line And I put my weaknesses And my strengths And I was as brutally honest As I could be Because I'm brutally honest Of myself

That's one thing about me Doug That a lot of people don't have I'm brutally honest Of myself I'll tell you When something sucks And I'll tell you

When something's good If something's good I'll tell you If I feel good about it I'll fucking tell you You know, I hate my specials. I hate anything I ever did the specials. Fucking Ari storyteller shows, I love those.

But my specials fucking sucked. I did 800 church episodes. 400 of them are fucking spectacular. 400 of them suck. I've done 26 of these. 26 of these sucked. But you know what? We're still going to keep pushing because I know.

You got to keep pushing. Eventually, you got to keep pushing. You know how many fucking sets I did to get good at doing comedy? A lot. A lot. Four to 500 sets of fucking year. That's two sets of fucking night. You know, that's what you got to do.

That's the work effort that needs to get put in. But that's not what we're talking about. I just made a list of my strengths and my weaknesses. I was as brutally honest as I could. You know, I'm very, I'm not a procrastinator. you know, I take something, I either do it or I'm not going to do it. I know. I'm either going to do it or I'm not going to do it.

There's no thinking about it. Give me a day or two. If I tell you, give me a day or two, that means I'm not going to do it. Everybody knows that. Even Mike knows that. If I want to do something, I'll do it, you know? And the weaknesses that I really, really was mad at myself for having, the thing I'm really angry about,

at myself over the last couple of years, isn't the drug use, isn't what happened with Rogan. I don't get a fuck about none of that shit. I love Lee, I love the, none of that shit bothers me. What me tell me what bothers me about myself that I haven't done the last couple of years, especially with this pandemic. I haven't written my book.

That eats away at me more than the loss of my mother, more than me not talking to my daughter. Do you know why? Because I have something I want to share with the world. And not only that, when I want to do something, I want to fucking do it. But every time I go to sit down and write that fucking book, I write for like three weeks,

and then I start reading it, and I fucking erase it all. Because I don't like it. I don't like what comes out. And I'll do this every fucking day. I mean, I stick to it. See, with writing, it's not, listen, you can buy 55,000 books on writing.

People ask me all the time, hey, can you recommend comedy books to me, and I recommend the Jean-Perey books, or I recommend stand-up comedy, or I recommend the war of art, you know. Writing books are great, but let me tell you something. They all suck,

because they're not going to tell you what you need to know. And you know what you need to know is that you need to know is that you need persevere you need to get in every day put two or three hours aside and write i can't do i i got it down to a science it's just keeping the fucking material but now i'm keeping it because what i was doing before was i really wasn't outlining the way i should be outlining tj the guy that wrote the fucking book the cuban book he told me that the outline was a everything and I didn't fucking want to

you know I outlined it like Puerto Rican style like fucking halfway and that's why I'm getting the results I'm getting. Now I'm outlining it to the T and I'm shoring them I took a lot of stuff out you know you guys heard all these stories

I wanted just to give you the story from point A to point B of the comedy the growth the obstacles and where I ended up at that was that's what the fucking story was That's it. That's where this whole thing was. I was trying to fucking give you fucking bookmaking numbers

and stories about Harlem. It would have been a book this fucking big. You would have never wrote it. If they turned it into a movie, it would have been four days, a four-day fucking 24-hour marathon. And half this shit, you guys heard already. So I wanted to take the most important part of this story,

which is July 16th, the present time. sprinkling a little something in there from the fucking past, like what made me to lead me to stand up. And that's the fucking book. I wanted to do an audio book because I know you people would want to hear my voice reading my own fucking words. But I got to tell you something, man. I could do that. I could buy that dragonfly, is that what it's called?

Dragonfly and just read it into a thing. I could do that. I don't want to do that. I want to write. I love, that is my other secret dream, is to become an author. I would love to go on my Twitter handle for it to say, author.

I could take off, jerk off. You know what I'm saying? I can take that off my list now. Jerk off, life coach, author. I can put comedian, actor, writer, author. You know how nice that would be? Do you know how much that would make me feel? Especially since I'm a fucking high school dropout.

Do you know what it would do for my self-esteem? So I said, fuck it. This is what I'm going to do. I'm getting surgery on the fucking eighth. I got nothing but downtime. I don't see myself roller skating out there with the fucking snow with one fucking leg like Tom Segura. That ain't going to fucking happen here.

And my heart knows out to him. I finally watched that fucking tape. Jesus fucking Christ And if you watch that tape You watched how innocent That was There was nobody around them There was nothing really going on

It wasn't like Tom Segura's a drinker Or a drug addict or nothing That is just what I was talking about last week When I told you when this bad luck started When Kobe died The world is on its access things are happening that you cannot understand why they're happening. Don't question them.

Every week somebody tells you something that you go, what? What she's happened? My friend went outside to smoke a cigarette and he came in and his wife was dead. When does that happen? When does that happen? When does that happen that a 42-year-old man, how old this time, 42, 44, I mean, great guy, you know, whatever. Okay, he's not Jacqueline.

He's not in the best shape of his life. But neither am I. Neither am I. And I play with my daughter and whatever. Yeah, I got to have knee surgery because of the arthritis and both fucking knees from lifting fucking squats when I was a kid thinking I was fucking Johnny Hercules and running with fucking converse sneakers.

You're going to do a lot of damage, not to mention being 300 fucking pound for 20 years your fucking life. It's going to do a lot of fucking damage, but Jesus Christ, you know, I told you, last week I was at the gym on Saturday,

not this Saturday, the Saturday before, the one after Christmas, and somebody had left 135 on the squat, on the bench. So it's the bar, which is 45 pounds and 245 pound plates.

45 and 45 is 90, and 45 pounds is 135, right? Yeah. 135. I had to double check myself. I smoked weed this morning sometimes. I don't know so good. So I swear to God, I got under the bench.

Now, between us and his family, come on, guys, I bench press 135 a thousand fucking times in my day, okay? I got under the bench. I looked at it. I adjusted my little chubby hips. I picked it up. It felt like nothing. and for a slight second there

I thought about Tom Segura I swear to my daughter and I go you know what we're going to leave this where it belongs why take a chance right now is not the time in fact I took my bicycle and I hit it behind the punching bag

that motherfucker ain't going out for a while because remember I fell off the bike early this year I ate the fucking norco for my teeth I fell off the bike that was my Tom Sigura moment trust me day, my wrist still hurts. It took a month for my chest to stop hurting. My chest crashed into

each other. Once you put that weight on you, when I saw that, and then there's the video that I saw, I didn't see any of the other videos. I saw a video that a doctor posted. Oh, really? Yeah, there's a video of Tom Segorah that a doctor posted and breaks down the whole fall. Oh, I didn't see that. And you hear the two, you hear, you actually hear the kneecap, pop. and the slam when he hits the floor, which is horrible. My heart goes out to that poor bastard. That poor bastard.

And he looked good. I called him to the podcast that night. The two bears one came. They called me to ask me a question about something, but it was good just to see him. I miss both those fucking guys. But, so do me a favor. Before you go skiing this year

or any of your other fucking, wild ideas. Think about Tom Segura. All right. That's all I'm trying to say to you. Bad luck is going fucking around, man. You know, I'm even scared of doing this fucking surgery. I don't even think this surgery will happen.

I really don't. I really, I think I'm going to go for a COVID test. Tomorrow I got to go. Is it? Yeah. Tomorrow I got to go for my COVID test. And Tuesday. Yeah, tomorrow's Tuesday.

I got to go for my COVID test. I think I'm going to come back positive. Fucking better not, bitch. I just think so. You know, you never fucking, I mean, listen, I stay at home. I mind my business. I wear a mask 90% of the fucking time. I mean, I don't go anywhere with it.

There's a lot of people. I wear a mask at the gym. I do everything I have to do by the numbers. But listen, my friend's mom got it in her house. And she don't leave the house. She's 85 years old. It's not like she was at fucking Jenero's jumping up and down in Hoboken two weeks ago.

She didn't leave the house and she got it. So I don't know what to tell you, fucking people. I don't know nothing. Follow the science. I got a D in science. You know what I'm saying? How are you going to follow or you don't know? Follow the fucking science.

Nobody knows the fucking science. So, you know, I don't fucking know. But I'm scared by, like, The last time I took a test was maybe two weeks ago. I went up to the fucking rec center, and they had the mailing test, and you got a result. But I'm hearing such horrible fucking stories. Like, my buddy bought the test kit for 119 that you sent it to your house,

and he bought it for the family. So I guess him, his wife, and the two kids took the test. They lost the way. wife and his daughter's test and both their tests came back negative and then they finally found the wife's test a week later and they said she was positive and she's fine you know what I just saw her like over a Thursday and Wednesday so this is what I'm saying to you who the fuck knows what's going on with those fucking tests you know somebody was telling me they went in one day and got a a false positive and then went three days and

in the row and got and got negatives. I don't know. I don't know nothing about science. I don't know what's going on with this. I just, I just want this to go away. You know, they're having problems. Some Puerto Rican's arm fell off with the vaccine. Somebody was bubbling.

I just, can't it just end? Can't we just find the pill? What the fuck is this shit? I mean, now that, and the vaccine's only for three months. Really? Yeah, that's what I heard. The vaccine only covers for three fucking months.

So if you get fucking, if you get the COVID, the antibodies last for nine months. So you might as well get the fucking COVID because the antibodies for the shot only last three months. So I got to put twice cubes in my arm, twice a fucking month, four times in a fucking year. That's just absurd. I hope that's not true. I don't know if it's true or not, but I don't give a fuck about that shit. Enough with the fucking COVID. But no, I was writing myself off.

I swear to God, two, three months ago, especially with the podcast and stuff, I'm like, this is over. I'm writing myself to fuck off. This is not working. This is not. And I'm like, what am I fucking crazy? What am I going to do? What do I'm a podcaster?

I'm a comic. I'm a fucking writer. So I got to get it together. So I wrote my goals down. I sat the fuck down. And I'm like, this is what. needs to be fucking done this year. I need to outline this fucking book.

I need to outline it in three week chapters, in three chapters of the time, write the chapters and send them to him on Friday. That's the fucking plan right now. That's the plan. So I got like one more chapter to outline, write three chapters. Every chapter send him on Friday.

Start the chapter on Sunday and all this fucking downtime I have. fucking go to a diner with a mask on, just put a mask on and get a coffee and fucking get like a little straw. Somebody's going to invent a fucking mask with a little straw. Trust me, somebody's going to invent it sealed tight and you can sit there and drink your coffee,

and that's what I'm going to do because I'm not going to fucking die without writing this book. Because here's the problem, guys. I don't want just want to write one book. I want to write a couple fucking books. Like I got a couple books in this fucking coconut. I got a book about my life.

I got a book I want to write about comedy. I got a story. I want to write about a successful guy and a politician that grow up together and one becomes whatever. I got ideas. I got ideas. You know what I'm saying? I like to be a writer. Like right now, I'm thinking of pitching a show again.

Once this blows over, you know, there's going to be some interest. with the Soprano movie so we might as well get some fucking the Soprano movie Many Saints in Newark I think it's not going to come on much guys I'm not here to disappoint you I'm just letting you know

what I'm hearing through the great minds and when I'm reading I haven't gotten official anything from them but just from what I'm reading online it's going to get pushed back to whatever so we're all going to have to wait to whatever listen man I don't know about you guys

You don't want you a movie in your fucking house It's interesting But not really See, a lot of people go I'd rather be in my house The coziness of my house I like to be in my house too But there's a problem in my house

And it's called the refrigerator And it's called the phone And it's called the computer And it's called the cat And it's called fucking a thousand fucking things You know, a light in the ceiling A noise Something

a text. That's what I don't like about watching movies at home, that I can't submerse myself. There's only two places I could submerse myself in a movie, in a movie theater or on a fucking plane. You go on a fucking plane. They ain't a none of look at either you look at the thing and look at clouds or look for UFOs

because everybody's seeing UFOs these days. So everybody's looking for fucking UFOs or fucking look straight ahead. I enjoy the movie theater experience. If I got to watch a new movie in my house, I'm not going to enjoy it that much. You know, I'll watch them on paper. You don't get me wrong. You know, I like the Green Book.

I liked all that stuff. But I'd much rather, I'm old school. I grew up in a fucking movie theater. I grew up on Saturdays. That's what you did. You either went to buy a record or you went to the fucking movies or both. We used to do both. Catch a movie and then walk down Bergen line.

Boom, buy a fucking album. And bam, there you were, your fucking house an hour later. So, you know, to me, I'd rather be at a movie theater. So I don't know what to tell you, fucking people. If you're mad, I don't know. Don't get mad at me. Get mad at fucking coronavirus. I'm not the one that closed down the theater.

Take up your beef with Johnny AMC. You know, but I did hear this. I did hear you could rent a fucking movie theater for fucking dirt cheap. I like you. Sounds fun too. It seems like fun. I think I'm doing it for Mercy's birthday because I might not be able to even go to her fucking birthday,

but I know she's making calls today about either one of the places around here, like a place where you're like a zone place or something like that. It's in freehold, I think, somewhere. And then there's a movie theater somewhere. We just found out that you can, rented for 10 kids you bring your own food like it's fucking crazy shit it's crazy shit and they have a

selection of movies that you could watch so it's not everything like you're not going to be able to you know like go oh i want to no they have a selection of movies that you could watch i don't know how in depth of selection is or whatever it's all up to you i have no fucking idea but what i was talking about was that yeah after I watched that rocky thing that's what I want to do I really take this into it like this is what this of you know like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly or the other way does a butterfly become a caterpillar one of those like I'm fucking cocooning man I'm changing and I listen in March I said this on the church that people were going to change I didn't even I think but in March I also thought we we'd be going back in June

So I was wrong right there. It's fucking January, 2021. And we're still in it. And in about a fucking month, eight weeks, we're going to be in it for a fucking year. So, and I haven't done shit in a year. Except move, do a podcast, lose a little weight, and work out. I haven't really, yeah, we've done the Joey Dears project and Patreon and all that shit.

I did the reshoot for the Sopranos and whatnot reshoots, added scenes. But I haven't really done much. So I think that this is the fucking time to do it right now. And guess what? I'm excited about it. Listen, this is what I always dreamed about, man. I read about Hemingway. That motherfucker was a bad motherfucker.

And towards the end, he would go to fucking Cuba and just drink and write. I'm not all about the drinking and stuff. But I'm about all those writers had the same thing in comedy, Prakowski and all those fucking dudes that got drunk. They love people watching. People watching. They're looking for characters. I love characters.

I don't like, well, the white thing I didn't like California. Fake characters. They're all fake characters. They all want to be Belushi. You know, I was watching a documentary by Belushi. There's a documentary on Showtime. That's not bad. I'm a big fan of Belushi, you know, to a point. I'm a big fan of Belushi's. He was Buck Wild, no fucking safety net, just fucking an animal. A lot of people are too young to remember John Belushi from Saturday Night Live.

Just a fucking lunatic. Animal House was on two nights ago. And I watched 15 minutes of it, the Togac scene. I was fucking dying. I was fucking dying. It was so funny. The guy was pure. I mean, listen, Farley wanted to be Belushi. I think Candy just wanted to be John Candy. Candy was a bad motherfucker. But there's been 20 motherfuckers that wanted to be Belushi.

John, what's his name? Chris Farley came close. I mean, he out partied the shit out of Belushi. I think they both died when they were 33. Belushi died when he was fucking 33 years old. at the fucking whatever hotel up the corner from the comedy store there. Was I a Belushi fan? Yes. Was I love Animal House?

Fuck yeah. But I love Blues Brothers. Oh my fucking God. I love Blues Brothers. You know, but I don't even know how we started talking about Belushi. Anyway. Everybody wants to be it. Everybody wants to be Belushi.

Every fucking year, I shot a pilot. I shot five pilots for Fox. and one year I shot a pilot that the guy was balushi he wanted to be balushi so fucking bad but he did such a fake impersonation of it like he was one of those guys

that was trying to act like I'm crazy okay how crazy are you I'll walk in here naked that's not crazy enough What do you mean? Walking naked is I think we could do that Taking the shit on the floor

Picking it up and eating it That's crazy Do that you should say his little face He almost died He was from like Ohio somewhere He almost fucking died When I told him that Pilot never got picked up

He went back to Ohio All those Belushi wannabes They don't fucking last long In fucking LA But who the fuck cares about Belushi? I was just You know that I was watching a documentary. It's not bad.

It's very entertaining. It's like the comedy stores in that same genre. In fact, it aired the week after the fucking comedy store. So back to the Rocky Bob Boat thing. I'm 58 and I'm not giving up yet. That's it. That's all I wanted to tell you is today. That for a long, the last month, the last six weeks, I've had doubts.

I've had doubts from the podcast. You know, I know this wasn't what you guys wanted or you guys expected. You know, I love my man, Mike. So I just want to come in here and talk shit. Because the plan is this. Once this shit gets kicking up, I'm going to get an office. I want to get an office with a screen and I want to do all this shit.

I want to do in that bar area. But that bar area is also a part of my living house. So if I was to do that over, that I would take away from my fucking family. Like I was gone one day this week and girls were over here. They were in that room. You know, they were in that room. I can't keep drugs in that room. I can't fucking have weed in that room.

Wobong sticking out. That's still way to the backyard. So even though I had plans and I had all these big fucking deals, it was still my house. And the girls are going to have access to it. And now she's got toys down here and shit. So now I can't really fucking use it. I might have a guest on Wednesday,

and we might use it just for the guests just to fucking get it out of the way. But besides that, I can't turn that into a podcast studio. Like I wanted to, I really wanted to fucking make that a great studio, but it's part of the fucking house. Take it here, everything upstairs. I'm down there smoking weed. That thing goes right through the fucking thing.

The eye and I smoked down here in this room and I had to fucking leave the windows open because you could smell in the fucking kitchen. My wife almost had a heart attack. So let me do what I gotta do. You know, I come to years every fucking week. I'm not going nowhere. You know, you still got me.

I keep your posted. This is completely free. You know how we do it. I'm just telling you my struggles. That's the plan. And then me and Mike can get an office nicely nice, put up the brick wall again, some noises, some bitches.

Sacrifice somebody, light some people on fire, get some edibles going, you know. You don't understand. trying to say to you, this did fucking steps, guys. This wasn't going to take a fucking month and a half, but I wasn't just going to stop doing the podcast August 15th and show up February 1st and go, hey, how are you? Hello? Because you were to go, fuck you, cuck, sucker. You left this flat. You left this with our dick in our hands. This, at least you get 50% of me. It ain't the best fucking Joey D is you're going to get, but at least you get fucking something. At least you know

you're getting the fucking right answer from me, the truth, and I'm telling you what's going out with my world. And I'm giving you a little fucking story to boot. Right or wrong? You get a little story out of this, and nobody loses no fucking face. Is it snowing out there yet? No, it looks like it's going to fucking snow today.

Who gives a fuck anymore, guys? We're in Jersey. It's a whole new fucking year. Listen, man, the pandemic was a bad thing. What are you going to fucking do? But are we still going to cry about it? It's a new year. we already gone through it,

you already went through the bulk of it. Let's fucking rock out the rest of it. This is what I'm going to do. Why do I think I just said, fuck it. I could sit here every day and keep feeling sorry for myself. Is that what you want to do? My gym is closed.

I can't do this. I can't do that. There's something you've got to be able to be able to do. There's something that you should be able to do. Deliver groceries. There's no reason why you should be fucking alone or feeling the way you're

feeling because I was starting to feel like that and I got a family and a wife and a kid and a job and I was starting to feel like fucking I was being worthless and I said enough of that shit already I would feel like I had one foot in the grave one of banana peel no I don't

no I don't I'm more alive than I've ever fucking been in my life I'm better than I've been in my life I can't wait to get on fucking stage tomorrow night Wednesday night I wrote a couple things nothing shappellish but it's still fucking Joey D is coming at you, you know what I'm saying?

I know all you people expect to see Chappelle and thought and smoking a cigarette, but, you know, Chappelle, Chappelle, Uncle Joey's uncle fucking Joey. So you got to recognize what the fuck you want to do, you know what I'm saying? And that's it and that's that. I'm just here on a fucking Monday morning to greet you and let you know I love you, man. I didn't forget about you motherfuckers. I didn't give up either. But it's true.

For the last month and a half, I've just been feeling down. Not down, not depressed, but just like the wind has been taken out of my sales a little bit. That's it. Sometimes in life you feel like the wind has been taken out of your sales. That's how I feel. But then I was realizing, like, what the fuck am I,

what am I going to do? Just retire? I think this year, once the fucking thing is over, I'm going to shoot more movies than I've ever shot before. I said, you ever have that feeling? I have that feeling.

Like, that's why I was in a fucking call with quits with SAG because they changed everything around all the insurance policies and the fucking guidelines and stuff. And I'm like, I'm not quitting. I'm not quitting. For years, I've been sitting here

telling you not to fucking quit. And here I am thinking about quitting. How would I look to you guys? What would that make me fucking be? A fucking quitter. So, sorry about that. That's one of those left side burps. It comes out of the other side.

You ever get those burps? It's a burp, but not really. It comes out of here like a yo-lo-lo-he-ho. It comes out of here like a little burp on the side. Sorry about that. They come from the stomach, whatever the fuck. But no, what would I look like if I quit? So I'm going to turn it around.

Instead of quitting, I'm going to work a little harder towards it. The problem with writing for me is you're not going to fucking fucking. believe this when I tell you when I sit down to write if I write five days like let's say my schedule would be Sunday through Friday and I email it to him Friday afternoon I would have to sit down in an hour and 15 chunks and then get up and do something for an hour and then come back and go to the next part of the outline and write off from that that's how I'm going to do it I have been trying this through trial and error, it's fucking embarrassing, guys. It's embarrassing how far I've been. I had a guy who was an editor for a while helping me. I had a girl helping me for a while.

I had another girl helping me for a while. And I've had help. And you want me to tell what this is starting to feel like to me? Comedy. Remember I told you it took me a long time to get to stand-up comedy? Because I was scared of what? might have happened. History repeats itself all the time. Guys, if you don't get to know you, you're never going to get to grow. You've got to get to know you. That's why I tell people, I'm like a broken fucking record with the notebook in the journal. Why do you think I'm like a broken record with a notebook in the journal? Because you could always go back and look and see what you were thinking. And it hit me. It hit me when I was outlining the fucking book. Because the first

part of the book is me stalling. Why was I stalling? Because I was scared of what might happen. There's two things that can happen if I write a book. Are you ready? It could either fail miserably. or it could open up a thousand fucking doors. Both of those options work for me. Like both of those options work for me as long as I write the book. Are you with me? I don't mind failing.

I don't mind. I fail every day at something. I don't mind. I feel social studies. and after that I got used to it. You know what I'm saying? Once you feel of social studies, you're like,

I'm used to this fucking stupidity. I'm not scared of failure. It's not doing that I'm scared of. That's when I start getting worried. What I won't go in the garage and throw kettle bells. Why don't I want to do kettlebells today?

Let me go out there and do a couple kettlebells. You do three or four swings? Now next thing you know, you're up to ten swings. You did ten times ten swings and you hit the bag a little bit, you got to work out. This writing shit is just like my stand-up comedy. Same thing. I'm scared of what might happen.

So I wrote out what might happen. What happens if Joey Dears writes this book? And there was two answers. It could be well-received. Maybe they could make a movie of my life. Who gives a fuck? Maybe they could turn into a TV. TV show. I'm too old for that drama. You imagine me on a TV show and then ABC telling me,

we can't do numbers. You have to make believe you're betting pony. Go away, you know. Your mom can't do Santa Rita. She has to be a Christian. Go fuck yourself. I don't want to do this for a TV show. I don't want to do this for a movie. I just want to do this to prove it to myself that I could do it. Stan Hope did it. Jim Florentine did it. All my friends. did it and I'm the only fucking Burke Chrysha fucking wrote a book drunk and I can't fucking write a book.

You know how bad I fucking feel? Burke Chrysha wrote the book with Tito in one hand and a feather in the other and I can't write a fucking book. And you know what I'm saying? Do you know how bad I fucking feel right now?

But at least I'm not ashamed. You know, this is what I tell you people. I'm not ashamed to tell people the truth because this is how you get help is by telling people the truth that you don't know how to do something. I have always asked for help. If I don't know what I'm doing, man, fuck you.

All these mother, oh, I went on YouTube and I looked and told me to do this. Why did I know the house was going to blow up? You dumb fuck, I tried to tell you. Call the fucking electrician. There's some stuff you could do on your own. Yeah. Bake a cake, shit like that.

Other shit, you got to call a professional or ask questions. Would you invest like a million dollars if you didn't know it? No, you got to ask questions. So I asked questions. I went online. You know, when I finish the podcast,

I'm calling my agent and I'm letting them know of my plans. I didn't want to tell them because I've already told this guy a thousand stories. I'm embarrassed. He called me before the holidays to get my address to send me a Christmas card and I was too embarrassed to even send him the fucking address because he's been

nothing but great to me. He even outlined the book for me, the whole book for me, the one he wanted me to write. He outlined it for me and I and I'm so stupid. I still can't fucking do it. So it was just too much. So I can't let him down. I cannot let him down. So my primary goal this year and I'm saying it right here and you guys are gonna hold me to it. December 31st, you guys are all gonna send me tweets and call me a fucking loser, your mother-sug-dick. I want you to say everything you can to insult me if I don't come up with a book. My goal is to have this book written by the fucking summer. And to do that, I got to sit there five days a week, maybe, yeah, I'm gonna do three, three-hour sittings. So it's three-hour

and 45 fucking minutes a day on this book. And you know what? I got the time. Trust me. I dick around eight hours a fucking day with nothing to do. I work. I do different shit. I do shit around the house.

I help with my daughter. I help with my wife. You know, I got different responsibilities. But you know what? There's still a little time there I can do. I can't ride at night because then I get too caught up and I get nightmares and I have dreams about my life and shit like that. So I got to get up early.

that means I'm going to start shutting the TV off earlier. You know, I don't even watch that much TV. I eat dinner, I answer the Patreon messages, I take a shower, and then I go out there with the girls about 8.30. Mercy goes to bed at 9.30, 9 o'clock. I go in there by 9.30 and check on her. My wife goes in around 10.

Once she goes in, I put my little teacup, my little fucking kikikikikikikikin' tea in. I throw a fucking edible in there because I don't. only eat the edibles together i throw them in there to sleep i throw the kikimo edible in there i stare it up i call lee i let the tea fucking you can ask lee i do this every fucking day i got the same schedule every day i call lee i let the tea simmer down then i drink my tea i give me a half hour and i go to bed that's the same shit i fucking do every fucking night so i think from now i'm

to change that around i'm going to come down after dinner do the patreon message and write an hour. That's going to be the last hour of the day. Then take a shower and then hang out with the girls. I'll write an hour and a half in the morning, do my other responsibilities, and then come back mid-afternoon and write another hour and a half when I'm fresh.

That's the only way I'm going to do this. And it's taken me eight years to figure this out, guys. Eight fucking years. So I'm going for it. with your blessing. This is what I do. This is what I need to do. Like when I joined Jiu-Jitsu,

I didn't tell none of my friends. I didn't tell Eddie or Joe or Ari. I didn't tell anybody just in case I quit. I wouldn't have to hear from them. By the way, I did stop at a jihitsu school on Saturday. It's a smaller school. It's more of a mom-and-pop type school.

And I'm going to have the knee surgery. And once I have the knee surgery and I'm ready to go, maybe May, June, I'm going to start doing it. I'm going to lift. I've already got my physical therapy set up with a friend of my Dave Bitone I grew up with. He's going to do all the physical therapy. He's big on this.

And I'm just looking for the best, man, right now. I'm just looking for a better 2021 and what I got to do to make the year work. And my primary goal this year is not to write a comedy. special. None of that shit is to write a fucking book. And I got the plan. And thanks to you guys, now I got to fucking walk to walk. See, you can talk to talk, but now you got to walk. And with that, that's it. It's Monday morning. It's the beginning of a great fucking week. It's the beginning of a great year. You know, when everybody said it was going to be a great year, I didn't want you guys to think that you're going to wake up Monday and fucking, you know,

people got, there's going to be a parade on the fucking street. I mean, it was a shame not to see a parade on New Year's Day. I didn't know the Rose Bowl wasn't going to be in California this year. I didn't know a lot of things that just broke my heart. But it is what it is. Hopefully next New Year's will be able to go back to normal and spend it with our families and friends and smoke pot and do heroin and eat pussy and eat ass. and spitting somebody's assholes,

all these things you could do again next year. But this year, we just had to be cool, and that's it. Anyway, I want to thank you guys for having my back for supporting the Patreon. I'm happy you guys got the shirts. The shirts are cool and fuck. I'm happy you got them. Everything is working out.

And I'll see you at Uncle Vinnie's Tuesday and Wednesday night. And now I'll see you back here Wednesday. Day morning, tip-top, Magoose. Stay black, motherfuckers. Uncle Joey loves you. Support. Thank you again for listening today for a fun-filled podcast. I hope you got something out of it. I know I didn't.

I feel like shit now. Anyway, the joint is brought to you by CBDLion.com. One of my favorites. Why? Because I'm old and I'm sore and I got pains. And when you got pains and ailments and you're trying to work out and trying to be healthy, it's tough out there for a pimp. But that's where the CBD line comes in, whether it's a kinesiology tape,

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I want to thank movement. And I want to thank CBD Lyon for having our back on this Monday, the first Monday of the fucking year. I hope you guys have a great week. We'll be back Wednesday. Tip-top, motherfucking Magoo, ready to go. I love you, Cotsuckers. Have a great week. Thank you.