The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #028 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Today, We talk about what it means to be a friend.... This episode is brought to you by ONNIT & DraftKings...... Go to https://www.onnit.com and enter Code: CHURCH Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter Code: JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

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Download Draft Kings. Co-Jewy. Candles lit, cock-suckers. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, the 6th. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. It's surgery week. I'm walking around, having a nervous breakdown.

You know what I'm saying? Listen, the good thing about this fucking surgery is I'm going to have a fucking tremendous story for you guys. I already got stories from the week to stress test. I'm saving them. I'm holding on to him. because today's a special date but uh fucking Friday

I can't but I've been having anxiety attacks the other day at the gym on Monday I fucking started lifting and I couldn't catch my breath at one point and I started sweating profusiously on a Joey Dears I don't know if anybody ever saw me before I got clean off Coke

after I got clean off Coke on stage I wouldn't sweat when I was doing Coke and I would go on stage Oh my fucking God What would come out of me It was like a steam bat I would sweat

Fucking profusiously Can you believe that What a difference Like if you ever seen me You've never really seen me Sweaty on stage You don't see me I don't sweat at all

At all Not even my fucking armpits They're drier than fuck But when I was snort Coke And I would go on stage An onslaught of sweat Would just fucking come out of it

Let me tell you something Every time The funniest thing thing about surgery for me is I always got to give blood or you always got to fucking, you know, they have to fucking give you like a intravenous, whatever

that shit is, I got to tell you something. Whenever the nurses grab my hand, they always go, hmm, you're a big palmy, no shit. I'm about to, you're about, I'm about to do what I hate doing the most. Anything to do medically. Listen, I don't give a

fuck, you know me, I'm fucking out of my mind. Thank God. I thank God every fucking day that I don't like needles because I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be a fucking needle. I would have a heroin fucking junkie. Thank God I don't have that fucking, you know, some people could look at needles. And I just saw a shot on fucking 60 minutes last night. And I almost fainted sitting there two nights ago, three nights ago.

I'm watching 60 minutes. And they gave somebody like a vaccine shot. And I had a look away. I almost fucking fainted. My wife looked at me and she goes, oh, that one got you. You know, like, sometimes you get stuck looking at the TV and you don't turn away soon enough. That's what happened.

I was all mo-moed up and fucking, all of a sudden, I'm like, what the fuck? Like, I can't stand this shit. But so this week I'm going to have some type of story for you. Hopefully Monday I'll be, because I know I have to do physical therapy Monday, and I got a fucking drive. I don't have to drive. Somebody's going to have to fucking drive me.

I got like 10 drivers on fucking car. right now. So, but I start physical therapy on Monday, so I really don't know what my schedule is. I'm going to talk to Mike, and we're going to try to make this fucking happen. Even if I have to do it from a couch or from my fucking recliner, wherever the fuck we need, we're going to bring you something. You know, I'm sorry if I'm not going to look good. What are you going to do? Look, do you think like I'm, I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm past the point of wanting to look good. want I just want to live and not get COVID. That's it.

Can you imagine I get COVID? I don't get there fucking surgery. That's another thing I'm living with all week. What if I get COVID? My friend wanted to come over. I told him no. My other buddy wanted to go to dinner. I'm avoiding him like he's fucking got AIDS.

You know, I'm just avoiding everybody. Like, I just want, I want to do this surgery. I'm not going to check it out on you guys. You know me better than that. I went to, the other day I saw Jim Florentine, the brother Bob, great guy. all his brother's a great guy but Bob is just extra sweet

and Bob is like listen man if you need a ride down there on Friday I'll give you a ride I go what if it's at 6 in the morning he goes you got it I'll give you a ride and I'm looking at him I'm like this guy doesn't know that if he gives me a ride

I just might hug him to death like I might just hold him in the car and say don't let them take me don't let them take me because he's such a sweetheart so I don't know I'm hoping that I'm only fucking with you guys you guys know that I'll

fucking walk in there I'll swallow my little faggy fucking attitude and I'll get this done with I'm just this is not my foot this is not one of my strong points when I did my strengths and weaknesses number one was going to doctors

it's not my strong point dog I swear to God you don't want to make an appointment for the doctor and they make it up like let's say I'm going to see a doctor any it could be anything because you can't trust nobody they always you always I always ask them, I don't care if I got to go to the doctor from my toe. I'm like, is there going to be a needle involved?

And they're like, they shouldn't be, okay. I just want to know. Because every once in a while they'll throw by the way on me. I'll get down there and they're like, oh, wait, we have to do a blood test or something. I'm like, I'm not fucking prepared. I need my fucking little earphones. I need my little fucking Santana and my iPod. Oh, there's a process for me to give blood.

Like before the stress test, the other day. You don't even know what the fuck I did. And how retarded your uncle Joey really is. See, I'm retarded. And I've told you people for years, but you don't believe me. You think I'm fucking with you. I'm retarded.

So I have a stress test at 9.15. I couldn't eat three hours before the stress test. So I set the alarm for four. I got up. And I ate. I smoked dope. And I ate, even though I wasn't supposed to smoke dope. For the 24 hours before the fucking thing,

I couldn't drink caffeine. You know, I got to go there without fucking coffee. You know how hard it is to get in your car to go? Do you have any idea how hard it is for a guy like me to get in this car and drive to go get a needle? Do you have any fucking idea? It's like driving to go follow Dom Irera back in the day. Like when I'd see my name on the schedule in the main room

and I go, who am I following? Like Dom Herrera? Fuck! I'd have to drive on Sunset doing like 20. Like fucking 20 and the right hand, If there was a guy, like, you know, a car popped up, I would pray to God. Thank God there's a valet fucking stuck holding up to his line. I don't want to go to the store and fucking die a slope that.

It's worse than that when I have to go to the fucking doctor. Like, I have to go all the way to fucking, I don't even know. I don't even want to say where I got to go. It's like 20 minutes, 20, 20, 25 minute drive. Those 25 minutes, guys, the air will be down to 60 in my car. I will be pouring sweat will be coming out of me my handlebars

if I go to make it right you'll see my hands slip off the steering wheel because my hands become just fucking they just become like a sponge man so I'm looking forward to this the lat I'm doing the same thing I did

when I got the fat ball taken out the night before I'm going to go to the bank and take out 200 bucks in 50s and shove them up my ass during the surgery so if I have to make a quick getaway after the surgery I got no problems. The time when they took the fat ball out of my neck, though,

I put $4.50 bills up my ass. I cupped them up real small, and I kept them in there because they don't let you put underwear on. I told you I'm retarded. Did I not tell you I'm retarded? I took the 50. I folded them.

I folded them again. I folded them again. And I didn't put it all the way up my asshole. I'm not a fucking... Just in between the cheap. Yeah, just... But deep, deep, deep, like during the surgery, like the tip of the $50.

Bill was tickling my asshole or whatever. When I woke up in fucking recovery, I went off. That's what I'm scared of the most, that my wife has to go pick me up because she can't, you know, you can't go to the house, don't be there.

So my wife is going to have to go pick me up. So they're going to have to call my wife, and I'm going to have to wait those 20, 30 minutes. Let me tell you something. Those 20, 30 minutes of me waiting are going to be fucking in a recovery room. You have no, fucking idea

and you're hungry and you're thirsty and you're going to have a mask on you have no fucking idea how petrified I am right now but how petrified I was that day when they took the fat ball out when I woke up and I've had

one two three four four surgeries since I met you guys you got put under for all of them yeah oh yeah I got put under yeah I don't know Oh, I did that once. No, no, no, no, no.

Listen, guys, when I go to a dentist, I only went under one time. I don't like that. Dental pain is not that bad. You don't even feel the dentist. I go to a dentist that I don't even fucking feel. When I did my teeth this last time, the chick with Dr. Sherry, up in North Hollywood,

I give her the highest recommendation. I didn't feel shit. And you know me, I'm a fucking pussy. I didn't feel dick. I even asked her to put more in because I didn't feel nothing. I wanted to fuck it. It's like a fake little coke hide. You're all fucking, you know, I remember driving all.

I was all fucked up. I was going to talk to him. Somebody called me like, what are you going? I'm over here. What's the matter, Joey? That's the night. I'm over here. Yeah, I'm over here.

A friend of mine accused me that night. She calls me up and she's like, you're slurring. Yeah, I'm fucking slurring. Because I've been in a fucking dentist chair since that's, this is, this is. Anyway I was the dentist's chair From 9 to 12 And then they gave me a break

And I came back from 3.30 To 715 Do you want to fucking stand me? They had to do eight fucking teeth And take them out and rip them out You have no fucking idea, guys. I sat in that fucking thing Think you're head getting drilled

From 3.30 to 7. And I kept telling her throughout the thing, pop me. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. And she kept popping me with these little things. Picking it up and shit. Big, bing.

Bing, hit it. You know, because I just didn't want to feel the drill. I could smell it. You could smell the fucking teeth in the air. You're like, what the fuck? Whose asshole did I eat? And they've got antique to my fucking teeth? The smell was fucking horrible.

But my point is that when I walked out of it, I'm not forget this. Like, you know, I'm in a dentist chair. Five fucking hours, four. Let's not exaggerate, Joey. Four, five, six. Yeah, three hours, three and a half hours, let's say. Right?

Getting hit with that fucking, that liquid cocaine. Bang, bang, bang, bang. I drive myself to CVS. While I'm at the dentist, I'm missing calls, right? I'm missing fucking calls, right? So my friend calls me. She's like, you miss fucking sober, AA, whatever. But, you know, she's concerned about me all the time.

So I call it back and go, how are you doing? What's going on? And she's telling me that honestly, she goes, why are you slurring? And I go, because I've been with the fucking dentist for 3.30. She's like, you have a problem. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, I had a call to the next thing, go, what the fuck is your problem? You fucking AA people.

Like, and I'm sorry, I don't mean to, there's some AA people that take it to a extreme. I've supported her since day one. You know, she lives in fucking Florida now. Whatever the fuck. I've supported her since day one with her journey, rehabs, the whole fucking thing. But when she,

this final latch, AA, she's just been a nut. She's been sober now. Maybe four years, but the only way she could do it for her was to be like, you know, like she's a, she's the VP and the treasurer.

of the N.A. and she's like a regional, whatever. She had to do this. Guys, I've known her for 30 years. She was a fucking mess. She had to do this. But we care about each other, you know. We've been friends since fucking Boulder. We've been friends. So when she called me, she's like, hey man, you know, what is your problem? Why are you high? Because she always sees to watch the podcast and go, you're getting too high on the podcast. What the, we're just doing fucking edibles. I could see if we were fucking doing heroin and drinking booze and shit. trying to drink New Year's Eve. I didn't even have a fucking drink New Year's Eve

because I'm concerned about the fucking sugar towards the diabetes. Can you believe the fag I'd fucking become? 20 years ago I would drink whenever the fuck I wanted. Now, the other night, when I made that video for you guys, the one without the volume, and it got lost.

It's not on YouTube no more either. Really? Yeah, I can't find that. I went to find it because I was going to dub it like a Chinese movie. I was going to try to talk over it. It's fucking fuck with you guys. Like, Robbins.

I would have Mike redo it up so I could talk during it over it and fucking, you know, like a Chinese movie, but I couldn't even find it. I think it's private, so it's probably on there, you just can't see it. Yeah, you just can't fucking see it. I'm sorry about that, guys. So, yeah, I'm at the fucking

CBS, and she's like, you're slurring. Yeah, I'm fucking slurring. I've been fucking coked up for the last four fucking hours. You're going to pick up for gusettes or something. What? Medication. Yeah, after you leave a dentist, they gave you antibiotics.

They gave me antibiotics. They gave me ibuprofen. the strongest 1,200 milligram, which are great compared to those fucking, you know, that's, I'm waiting for a call now from a lady that hangs out, her daughter hangs out with Mercy,

and she's a pharmacist. At CVS, he's the head pharmacist that one of the CVS is close to here, and I want to talk to her about my pain options, so when I have the surgery, I don't want those oxy fucking codons. I don't want none of that shit, but I was talking to Kate Quig,

and she was telling me that her boyfriend had the knee surgery and he went against the pain pills and one night he woke up in the middle of night with fucking pain he had knee reconstruction and he woke up fucking screaming in pain and they had to take him back to the hospital and shoot him with a pain thing so I I don't know what to fucking do last time I ate a fucking pain pill was after that fucking dentist and that's the day I fell off my fucking bike that and that's it that's why I don't have a I don't want to take those fucking pills I fell off my fucking bike didn't even know I was taking them. I thought I was taking the ibuprofen and I left the fucking viking and it's right next to it and I don't see it without my glasses so I just went in there at four in the morning and popped one. I'm on the bike at seven so I just had a bad experience with them

so I don't want nothing to do with them. It's January 6th and about a week ago somebody sent me an email it's so weird how the karmic, let's call them the the karma god works whatever god is out there i don't know whatever energy is out there i don't know how it works

but it's so weird uh january 6 is a birthday of somebody who was very very close to me and i let that person down and every january fucking sixth every year in january the first week of january i got a little bummed out uh it's weird because my daughter's birthday's Friday so you know I always think about January 6th because it's a friend of mine's birthday that's what I was trying to say and I let her down a long time ago and I wanted to talk about it today to keep her spirit alive you know till this day I've always told people that one of the guys most responsible for helping my career.

I mean, like I've always said, and I said, you need three people and you could take over the fucking world, you know. Joe Rogan has always been my number one spokesman. He's always had my back in comedy. You know, I got a bunch of those guys, you know. Duncan, Arrey, we were all tight. We were all woven from the red band. We were all woven from the same.

Rory really helped me out a lot with comedy. helped each other. Ari got me my agent, but Ari did something and got me on that, this is not happening. And, you know, I've been friends with Ari for a long time, so I told Ari a lot of stories of my life. And when he created, this is not happening. He would tell me what stories he wanted to hear on the stage, you know. And, uh, except for the first time. The first time we did it, you know, you got to give Ari a lot of credit. You know, what happened with him was a year ago.

Um, he made a mistake. It didn't change my opinion of him. He's just a fucking knucklehead. If you know, Ari, you know, he's a knucklehead and you know his intentions weren't bad. If you're still mad at him, go fuck yourself, get over your You know, Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself. But Ari's a great guy. And he did something for me.

You know, everybody has done something different for me, but he looked at me from a different direction. He had heard me on the road with Rogan. You know, me and him would stay downstairs, me, him in the red band, and we would tell stories, whatever. And he would hear these stories, and I think he would put, like, mental notes in his mind.

I think he fucking knew he wanted to do this. First time we did the storyteller show, he did that fucking thing. In the back of the improv, no booze. It was 10 bucks or five bucks to get in. There was maybe 50 people in the back. It was the back thing of the improv. And I remember going down there, I was going to tell a story about mugging somebody or something in Hudson County Park. And I ended up when I was down there, it was Mark Marion, Steve Agee, Steve.

Steve A.G. Nice kid and Mark Maron. And I had to follow Steve. And Steve made a Pink Floyd reference. So Mark Maron made a Pink Floyd reference. So I went up there and told the Pink Floyd story. And it was great. I think it's still on YouTube. You can tell that it was the first, this is not happening with no fucking, it was like a phone camera or something. I think it's even in two parts. You have to look for Joey Diaz, Pink Floyd Story, Part 1 and 2.

I think that's what it is. You know, I didn't have any idea what storytelling was. I didn't know. He just told me to come down there and tell a fucking story. I went on stage and told the story. And, you know, people weren't fucking crazy over a fucking story, over a Pink Floyd story. And then he kept raising the levels higher and higher.

You know, then they went on to digital. So before Comedy Central picked up the show, they went digital. And he came to me. And he told me that he wanted me to tell a story about the lady who raised me. And I was like, my godmother? And he goes, no, no, the lady who took care of you after your mother died. And I'm like, oh, it's a writer.

It's so fucking weird that if you haven't seen that on this is not happening, I think it's my best work. And you know, I hate everything I fucking do. I hate everything I do. I hate the dog, I hate everything I do. This is not happening to me on my best fucking work because I was free. it was for Ari like my motivation was different

it was for Ari it really wasn't for the audience it was for Ari I wanted to I didn't want Ari to look bad I'm one of those dudes and when I come to some of my friends I don't want you to look bad it's like people always said me why do you pay for the UFC's

you could just steal them I'll give you the code and I'm like what would happen if fucking Dana White knew I stole a thing and called Joe how embarrassed would I be Joe would say to me, all you need to do is call me. I'll give you the $70 fucking dollars. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, so when it came to Ari and Comedy Central,

I had to give him the best because, out of respect for him, did you ever see him at Comedy Central doing anything else? No. Ari went to Comedy Central and said, you got to put Homie on. And he even know, they were like, no, he's not, you know, he's not one of our little fucking Gentiles that is safe. Ari said, you got to put him up. This guy's going to take it to the next fucking level.

And if you watch those things, I fucking did because I knew Ari had a fight for me to get me on those things. But one of the best ones I ever did, the one with beating up the nun is good. You know, he loved that one. I remember the first time I told him that he fucking went crazy and he told me,

say it on stage. And then we came to New York and fucking, he made it before we went up. I go, I don't know what I'm going to do tonight, Ari. He goes, just tell a story. He goes, I dare you to tell that. fucking story about, you know, fucking beating up the nun. That's how that came out.

Guys, I did that cold opening up for New York, for Rogan at a theater in New York maybe 10 years ago. Cold, never wrote it on paper, never did nothing. He goes, go up there and just try it. Well, he got to lose. Like, oh, you're right, I got nothing to lose. I fucking went up there and destroyed the first time with that nunjoke. just from fucking memory.

Then I went home and sat down and polished it up and added the fucking, you know, the Puerto Ricans and I love Italian. We picked her up by the feet and we took her shoes. That came later, but the original funny, bro, this is crazy.

Every time I go to Carney, like I had to go to Carney a couple weeks ago, I go over to that fucking school and I look at that school. It's like a fucking playground now, whatever the fuck it is. I can't believe

we'd be this. up that fucking nut till this day I really cannot fucking believe that and I'm gonna go to hell for that but but Ari I wanted that story like Ari wanted that story like I think I the first thing I did with Ari was the Zerite he really wanted me to tell the Zerrida story goes people got to know about this because people think your mother just died and you were an orphan you know people I want people who that you were taking care of and I've never said that I was just you know I never wanted people to think that my mother just died and I ended up on the fucking street that wasn't the case at all the benders took me and i had options okay it wasn't

like and it was so weird like nobody contacted me like usually your mother dies the state contact you and says who you're living with you're gonna have to go to a group home until they adopt you or whatever nobody said nothing to me it was like nothing ever happened i just got up and moved in with the benders we didn't register we didn't do anything but the only two living relatives i basically had was my sister in Cuba. She was no good to me, and my uncle's and aunts in Cuba. And I had an uncle in California. Me and him were on the fucking outs.

So the only one, at that time, we went on the arts. I was young when my mother died. He came to the funeral. He, you know, he did his brotherly thing, and he left after a couple days. He gave me some money, and he gave me his number. And he said, call me if he need something, or if you need to come out.

And I took it up. I took the offer up four years later. that's a complete different story. But as soon as my mother died, Zararida was my mother's best friend. And what people don't understand, like, this is why I take friendship very fucking seriously. Like, mercy's going to be eight on Friday.

And I've got to tell you something. I told my wife this, you know, I go, I'm lucky I have mercy. I'm lucky that I have mercy. Because this year, particularly, I think somebody really got hurt. I think since, last December, fate was for the last year, year and a half, there's been a handful of people

that indirectly or directly have been fucked with me. It doesn't bother me. You know me, I give them all the rope in the world because I give them rope so they can hang themselves. I give them rope because they don't know that I'm a fucking savage. And I told my wife about a week ago, we're sitting up standing up standing there. Can I believe, can you believe Mercy's going to be fucking eight in a week? And I said to her, you know what? A lot of people, should thank mercy. A lot of people should get up every morning and go thank God for fucking mercy. Because if I didn't have mercy right now the last couple of years and I didn't have and I just had my wife, let me tell you something. In my 50s, especially after what I've

accomplished already, I wouldn't mind doing a couple of years in jail. You know what I'm saying? Just at the end. Just to prove my fucking point, you know, like I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind dying in a fucking cell. And I know your people are crazy. You know, I don't want to die in a cell. What I'm trying to say to you people is, if I didn't have mercy the last eight years, I mean, I look at mercy, I kiss her every day,

like 25 fucking times. I kiss her in the morning. I tell her I love her. But I thank her. I thank her every day. My daughter knows me. My daughter knows me better than most fucking people. A lot of people, you know,

this year was a bad year for my friends. A lot of my friends got beat up this year. And a lot of the people that beat up my friends, if I didn't have mercy, I would have been shooting people. I don't know if people know this about me, that I'm not all fucking that. And I don't like people messing with my fucking friends. I do not like it at all.

And a lot of my friends got messed with this year. I got messed with this year. A lot of people I cared for got messed with this year. And it's so weird, like, all you motherfuckers better be thankful I got mercy because at 58 I'm crazy than fucking ever trust me

I get thoughts that come into my mind that would rattle you I am still a fucking derelict criminal I just the comedy and the family and everything is taking all that stuff away from me but trust me I have thoughts in my mind

like I forgave my wife my ex-wife me and my wife are even me and my ex-wife are even I forgive everybody I'm not mad at anybody. I'm just letting you know I'm happy that I have a daughter because I was like

I already did everything I wanted to do. I did movies. I did the comedy store, the documentary. I'll be on the documentary. Like they'll go, that guy was on the documentary. He's doing time for stabbing a motherfucker 10 times or shooting somebody. I swear to fucking God.

I have had, I'm thankful for mercy, you know. And when I was younger, I was out of my fucking mind. But Zerida could always calm me down. So after my mother died, you know, I mean, my mother died at 3 in the morning, and Zerida was already there. I think I called her at fucking 8.

And Zerida got there, I don't know, maybe 9.30. She lived in Long Island at the time. And she used to, her operation was out of Spanish Harlem and 113th by the, by the, by the park. That was her operation there. She had a second floor apartment over a little fucking bodega. Dog, I can live to be 80.

I'll never forget being a kid and walking up those steps in the 70s and seeing all the junkies fucking nodding in the hallways. And it was way better than going to any fucking zoo or any movie or any fucking love bug in the world. I knew they were on some type of drug.

I just didn't know what. But I enjoyed seeing people like, oh, fucking, I mean, That's why I think I dose people From me seeing all those people At a young age Oh fuck, she lived on the second floor So we had to go this way

And then there was like a landing And then you went up to the second floor And you're knocking the door there was like Two doors in the hallway Let me tell you something There would always be three dudes Like three monkeys You know like those three fucking monkeys

They would be three of them laid out Fucking vomit next to them It was disgusting But so entertaining when you're six and seven that you're fine i love going up there i would beg my mother take me the saraius nah you gotta go to school today fuck i'm not going to be able to see the fucking whatever the whole neighbor was great they had great food downstairs it was spanish Harlem it was the

fucking 70s they had this thing called the marquetta i don't know if it's still there oh my god lord they had good shit in there so every time i would love going over to sarai this home When my mother died, she was my mother's best friend. I called her up. I told her that we found my mother. She showed up. She pretty much, you know, I was out of it throughout the whole week. She pretty much carried the wake.

You know, she did the whole fucking thing. She waited there until they buried my mother. And then she goes, I'm going to stay with you for two weeks. I want you to stay here for two weeks and settle in. Let me stay with you. you let me take care of you cook for you and thanksgiving you can move in with the benders my mother died on the 8th i think they buried it like on the 12th or the 13th or something like that so she stayed with me for those 10 days and we really got to talk we got to talk about my mother

she told me about where she came from in cuba when she stabbed the fucking guy with her sister you know she told me a lot of things about my mother i didn't know it was really it was really great of her, you know. And then Thanksgiving day, I moved in with the Benders. And every Sunday, I would meet Zerai at a bar called Ados in Union City. It was on 30th and New York Avenue there. I forget the guy that owned it. He was, he played for the Chicago Bulls from Union City. He's dead. Rest in peace. Thank God he's dead. I used to rob him like every other week, the poor bastard. I used to work in that bar. That guy gave me a bar to him. And at 17 years old. I quit high school and I had the Wednesday at 7 a.m. shift and Monday nights.

But that came later. Don't worry about that. That came later. When I was, you know, my mom died when I was 15, 16. There was a writer stayed with me. And then she made a fucking promise that she was going to take care of me until I got to be a man. And I got to tell you guys, I learned a lot from her. I learned that experience of being around her got me here with you guys because it taught me how to be a friend.

It taught me what friends do and it taught me that it's not about money, like everybody thinks it's about money and boats and bitches and get your dick sucked and hanging out with celebrities. Let me tell you what it's about.

It's about friendships, man. Your bank account doesn't match the value of your friendships. If you have $20 million, but you don't have good friends, your life ain't worth shit. And you just don't get good friends. You have to grow good friends. You have to water friends, and they water you. It's the same fucking thing. It's cultivating.

You just, no. People think that they're just going to go online, swipe, and meet the woman of your fucking dreams and it's going to all work out. Then they get mad at you and when they get... Well, I've been married four times because you made four bad fucking choices.

You didn't cultivate your fucking friendships. I've cultivated my friendships and I learned from Zerrida because I saw how her and my mother did it. From the time I was fucking four to the 16th till she died, I saw two people who had each other's back

fucking without any reservation You understand me? I mean, that's the first story she told me was how my mother went down with my father and saved her in Chicago because Zerida had come to this country. Her and my mother were tight in Cuba. My mother went to New York with my father, Jersey,

and Zerite, New York, Jersey, and Zerida went with her new construction cop husband. I think it was a cop in Cuba to Chicago. And when they got to Chicago, he started beating her severely and started pimping her out. She called my mother, my mother, and Manolo, my father got a gun and a fucking knife and a broom

and like a fucking dustpan. Yeah, my mother, she told me they came with a broom and a knife and fucking, you know, and they pulled her out of there. Chicago and they drove her back to fucking New York. They helped to set up a business until this, and that's how she became fucking wealthy. My father lent her some money.

So she always felt connected. She owed my mother. So through that connection, after my father died, she came, she could have just left me alone, guys, and not giving her fuck. No. She stayed with me for those two weeks, and then she made a promise to me that every Sunday,

she would come. And guys, from the time my mother died to the time I left April, 25th, 1983 to Colorado, she showed up. every Sunday or at least every other Sunday. We'd meet at autos. We'd drive down to fucking the cemetery. I just thought of her driver's face.

That's so weird. She'd bring a bottle of pinch from my mother and spread it on the fucking grave, put some bumps on my mother's grave, throw me 200 cash, and give me a nickel bag from Spanish Harlem. I would call her every day. I would talk to her every day.

she wanted me to check it. You know, she always wanted me to check in, check in. She told me, I want you to take the place of your mother. Do you remember how me and your mother spoke three times a day? Yes, that's what good friends do. Call me in the morning, call me at lunch and call me a dinner. So every day I was trained.

She trained me. She goes, this is what friends do you. Check in. She goes, me and your mother have been doing this since 1940. Check it in, checking in. And sometimes I would call her, like, after six months that my mother died, I would call her and she would cry. She goes, I could still hear that same tone that your mother has in your voice, even though you're a man. It's weird because I hear it in my uncle.

When I speak to my uncle, I kind of get emotional for like a minute because I hear my mother in his voice also. So I understand what Zeraita was saying to me. Zerrida took care of me guys from 1979 with never complaining, never threw it in my face, never said nothing to me, you know, yes, I did lie to her

to get money from her from time to time, even though she was going to give it to me anyway. I just wanted to expedited or something, you know. I loved her. It wasn't like I was using her. I loved her with all my heart. she had become like my second mom you know

that wasn't the case at all it just was I was young I was dumb and I was fucking stupid you know I was every time I'd go into the city to do something illegal

I'd always stop by her and check in with her I'd go downstairs with my own money and I'd buy her a Cuban sandwich and to surprise her and bring her upstairs to her I knew she liked Cuban the sandwiches from a certain spot. So, you know, I tried my best.

When I went to Colorado, I kept in touch with her. I did exactly what she said. I called her every fucking day. When I was in Colorado, she did not send me money. I did not let her send me money. I told her I was fine, even though she would call me and say, do you need for me to send you money? Nah, I thought by 83, by the time, I was fucking 20.

I was too old for somebody to give me money. I mean, you know, at that time, listen, I didn't even take Social Security. When your parents die, you're supposed to collect Social Security. For some reason or another, they said my mother didn't work enough quarters or my father, but I could have fucking fought it and took it to court or whatever, it got an attorney. I said, I'm not taking money from the country. I'm just, I'd rather steal it from a drug dealer than take money out of the fucking, you know, disability claims or some fake fucking thing like that.

And that's what I did. I didn't take any money from her in Colorado. It was all my own money. Then when I came back in 84, 85, February of 84, I would take Coke from her. I wouldn't take money. I'd go, no, no, I don't need any money. I'll take the Coke and sell it.

At that time, she had horrible cocaine. It was horrible. It was street cocaine, Harlem cocaine, you know, 50% pure, shit like that. I would sell it to some idiot. I knew and make some extra cash and they would cut it or smoke it or shoot it. I had no idea. But I love Zori.

I always bought a Christmas presents. I did everything in my world, but then 84 came. And 84 was, this is why I told people, you know, I didn't journal in 79. I didn't journal in 1980. I didn't journal in 82. I didn't journal in 83. I didn't journal in 84. And this is why I believe in the journal, because,

Because in 1984, I pretty much had a nervous breakdown from what happened to me in 1979. You know, when you, like right now, I'm a different person. I know this. You know, my stand-up is different. My podcast is different. Why? What is the answer? Is Joe D. is not funny anymore?

No. I'm still a funny motherfucker. I still feel it. I really do still feel it. What is going on is that I'm mourning a loss. I'm wanting a life loss. A whole life got taken from me. You know, the comedy store, the road, it all got taken from me.

So there has to be some type of feeling. If I didn't get up and write about this every fucking day, how I feel, and why I'm feeling this way and why I have a little bouts with anxiety, if I didn't do this every day now, and about two or three years from now, I'd have the nervous breakdown. I had an 84. for. This is why I fucking journal, and this is why I preach that fucking journal as much as I do.

Somebody on Patreon the other day hit me up and they said, hey man, we don't want to blow smoke up your ass. I started journaling three months ago. My life has changed completely. Listen, you got to check on those skeletons from time to time that I don't like to sit in the closet alone. You got to check on those motherfuckers from time to time. And with journaling, you do it. We all have skeletons in the closet. We all have our own personal skeletons and our fucking head. You know,

I have, what I did was Zerida, the only way I forgave myself. When 84 came, I lost my fucking mind. You know, I lost my mind over the drugs. I lost my mind over the fucking,

you always have these people they call you twice. You ever have anybody who calls you fucking twice? Why you call me twice? If I didn't pick up the first time, what makes you think I'm going to pick up the fucking second time. What the fuck is wrong with people? You know what I'm saying?

Welcome to my fucking world, cuckuckers. So, 84 was just one of those years that the five years of me partying with my buddies sweeping the pain of my mother's death under the carpet catches up with you. That's why I tell people the journal, and that's why I tell people if you go through something traumatic, especially next week.

Like, once I get the surgery, done, I won't write about it because I know that those fucking bikin's, those fucking whatever they give me, you're going to fuck up my head. So I have to stay grounded. The only way to stay grounded is by writing your situation and explaining to yourself what is going on in your fucking head. I watch what's going on in my head constantly. I keep an eye on it constantly because I saw, I ended up homeless and 84 from it. So, ever since that time, I fucking journal and I keep ground. Like this time here, I have kept pretty much grounded.

Look at my face, look at my eyes, look at my eyeballs. I'm grounded. I am fine. If I wouldn't have done the work I did to stay grounded, I would have been fucked up. There wouldn't have been no podcast. Half the time, this is like a fucking hump fest anyway. But sometimes I come up and I deliver.

So the more I keep doing this, by law, I shouldn't even be allowed to do a podcast right now because I'm mourning a fucking life. I'm mourning a life that I lost. You know, I'm mourning the loss of Valley Village. I'm mourning driving down Kofax. I'm mourning seeing Lee. I'm mourning, you know, seeing my friends, seeing Rogan.

I'm mourning going to my church, which was the comedy store. I'm mourning all that in the back of my mind. I'm not supposed to know that but I know it because I already went through this 30 fucking years ago do you understand me? So if you feel you're going through something and you don't know what it is, you're mourning, your old

life. Maybe you were a fucking I don't know, maybe you were a fuck, I don't know, maybe you were yeah, maybe you were a singer and a band and you were just about to take off and this fucking thing happened. You know, we all have these fucking stories.

Back to Zerai. Anyway, you know, I got hired the drugs and shit, and what really happened with Zarata was this. Zerrida was taking care of me. Okay, not, she wasn't giving me kilos or ounces of coke. I would go to her house and get like a gram from her, two grams, three grams. No big fucking deal.

I started trying to be a fucking dealer. You know, here she is telling me, listen, man, don't fuck with that stuff. You know, if I'm giving you this, you're selling it to one of your friends, that's one thing. But if you're out there selling it on the street, you're going to end up fucking in jail, and then I can't help you.

And I'm like, no, I'm just selling it to my friends. And that was the truth. I was just giving it to like a friend of mine. It wasn't the Coke that I would usually, that I liked. My friends didn't want it that strong, so this is what I gave to them. She didn't want me to sell Coke. But, you know, I'm watching, you know,

I'm watching all my friends being big, shots and I'm fucking poor and I'm fucking broke and I'm fucking making a fucking shitty wage like everybody else I mean what would you have done so I started trying to sell coke I couldn't I was a horrible coke salesman I would do good for a week and I would snort everything and then people be looking for me for two weeks and I have to disappear for two weeks and then I come back it was fucking hell so I went to Miami and I fucking a friend of my mothers thought that I was top-notch friends with like the mafia.

They had Comline Balzano confused. So this guy kept fucking caught looking for me. People kept telling me on the streets, Muneiko's looking for you. This guy in Miami, not to hurt me, but he wanted to talk to me because some chick had given his son a hot shot up at Engelwood Cliffs or something,

and he wanted the people that gave his son the hot shot. he wanted them killed and he was looking for somebody to kill him so he wanted to talk to me about talking to one of my mafia buddies about killing these people this was my life at 1984 when i was 21 so if you think you got problems listen to that fucking story so here i am talking to this guy and i'm like yeah yeah yeah yeah i'll get the mafia to fucking kill the fucking people but you got to give me a good price on a fucking kilo he's like no worries i'll get you to you're give you fucking wholesale prices. So I was working with him and I was doing okay,

but you know how the fucking story goes. If you're throwing up spaghetti against the wall, it's going to fucking stick. I went up to North Bergen and one weekend. I ended up doing all the fucking Coke and I ended up spending the fucking money and I didn't have the fucking $20,000, so I never called him back.

So I thought that he was going to call Zerrida and complained to Zerrida because they were tight. They all knew each other. So I was scared if I called Zerrida, she was going to give me a fucking tremendous ear-beaten, make me go down there and pay them and say all this shit. So what did I do?

I took the easy road because I was a fucking loser. I just stopped calling Zerrida, like in September of 84. Right after I burned Muneco, I waited about a week, and I was like, I can't call Zerrider. And then I was going to places, people were telling me, some lady Zee called here. Like, she knew my friend's numbers, and she started calling their houses looking for me.

And I was like, she definitely fucking knows. Now I'm fucking dead. And then I ended up going to California. I ended up going here. I was ducking people. I ended up going back to North Bergen. I ended up homeless. And then, in fact, I spoke to Mr. T this morning.

Happy New Year, Mr. T. Mr. T was my high school teacher. and January 1st, 1985, Mr. T took me in with the plan of taking me to a detox and then for me to rehab. That's a complete different story. But after T picked me up and I got to sleep for two weeks and relax

and get my head together and get the cocaine out of my system, I was like, fuck, it was a rider. what have I fucking done, you know? I picked up the phone. I remember I was out in the street somewhere, and it was like a fucking pay phone, you know. I picked up the pay phone, and I called her. She's like, where the fuck have you been?

Do you know what happened to me? She goes, I've been calling for months looking for you. Where have you been? And I go, you know what happened? And she goes, I don't know what happened. She goes, you know, you know what happened? The cops raided me, And during the raid, one of the cops fucking fell on me.

And he broke my fucking leg in two places. And they took everything I had, and they fucking seized my bank accounts. And she goes, they put a lien on my fucking house and all this. And where the fuck were you when all this happened? You didn't call one fucking time to check up on me. And guys, I got to tell you something, it broke my heart, because she was absolutely right. She had been there for me, for everything.

And what? because of cocaine, I didn't call her back, and she didn't even know. The guy Muneco never even fucking called her. She didn't mention it at all in the conversation because I said to, I go, I thought Mniko called you. She goes, I haven't heard from Munoz

since fucking August or July. What the fuck are you talking about? So I was like, I didn't talk to you because I didn't tell her that because I thought Muneco, and she's like, you know, this is not good. I was there for you

when your mother died, and she was right. I just started bawling, I remember just letting the phone drop out of my fucking hand, and I walked away from the fucking pay phone, because she was right. She had every fucking right. And let me tell you some, guys,

it took me a year to fucking forgive myself. It took me a year. I felt like shit for a fucking year, but I made the decision that if I ever had a friend again, that changed everything for me. That changed everything for me. That's a ride of phone call. is the reason that I still talk to Danny B.

Jimmy Lebrano, you know, Timmy Holloway, Georgie K, you know, Jimmy V., my man, Anthony Veneery. The reason why I talk to all those guys after 45 fucking years, because we're talking, I know these guys are 75, 73, the reason why I talk to these guys and all the people, who covered my ass when my mom died was because I didn't want them to feel like Zerrida did on that day. You know, I could be the biggest fucking scumbag in the world, but I could also be your best fucking friend. When I'm your fucking friend, man, I'm your friend to the fucking end.

I will fucking drive there with you. I don't care about the felony. I don't care about the gun. I'm not a Hollywood guy. Somebody fucks with you. I'm your friend. It's lights out dog. I remember when fucking

those people going after me on Twitter for making Rogan laugh about the fucking chick who fucking blew me there's a comic that he fucking raised his hand a couple of male comics raised their hands huh? I saw a few

Did you say it by? Don't do. One of them. When one of them raised their hand and he's like, he's not only got his dick sucked he threw a bottle at me one night at the conference. funny store. Oh yeah, I drew a bottle at this motherfucker.

Him and another comic thought they were being cute with me. They would say to me that I was only funny because I did cocaine before I went on stage. I swear to God I never did cocaine before I went on stage. So I whipped the fucking bottle at that motherfucker. One night, him and another comic. They ran away. One night, I fucking, then another guy that hit me up last week. I threw a fucking, uh, uh, I told him not to touch the microphone.

so he fucking, because the thing was off, and he touched the mic, and the wire broke, and we ended up going to war, and I had to throw a bunch of fucking pool ball, pool balls on of this shit. Then there was another comic. Oh, another comic said that one night, not only did he get his dick sucked,

he also tried to run me over with his car one night, all this shit, which I did. I told him to get out of the way, he didn't want to get out of the way, so I fucking hit him with the fucking car. He didn't sue? Fuck him. You know, anyway, it happened.

but because of Zeraiters because of what happened with Zerrida when I was 20 I never wanted that to happen again with me and anybody else listen you try I was thinking about

I went to the gym today okay I loved it I love my gym I love the gym when I go to I pay them they train me I love it but I realized something today I'm gonna walk out that after we train and after I go to the locker and get my water and my car keys on the walk out when I say see you later

they're just my acquaintances they're nice guys they're nice kids I love them to debt I pay them you know I love them to death but then my acquaintances and then we move up a ring and we have I have my friends you know I got And Mike is becoming a great friend. I've been friends with Mike for a while. Now I'm starting to care about Mike. Now if you fuck with Mike, I got to stab me in the fucking neck. You know, we were acquaintances.

But now he's my brother, and now I got a stabbing in the neck. Anybody who's my fucking friend, anybody like Rogan, Rory, you know, they all know that things go down with them. I'm there. I'm the first one there. I don't care about, you know. But now I have to care because of my... my daughter. I can't go to jail because of somebody else because of my daughter. I can't

have my daughter see me in a prison fucking uniform. But if you fuck a one of my friends enough, you know, what happens? What happens? I mean, what, you know, I'd have to tell my daughter, this is what being a friend is. Somebody fucked at one of my friends and had to go over there and had them with a pipe. You know, they decided to wrap me out because they're fucking faggots instead of fucking being a man and hit me back with the fucking pipe. Whatever. I'm just saying that, you know,

this is the year right now, 19, 2021, you know, this is your year. I love this time of the year, and I love Mondays. You know why I love Mondays? Because we're all equal. This, today, January 6th, makes us all equal.

Think about that. We just paid rent. We're all equal. I haven't made any money. You make any money? I haven't made any money. I haven't been on the road. I haven't done anything. You did it? It makes us all equal. That's what I love about the beginning of the year. That whatever happened the year before, you could fucking erase it. It's done. That's why I don't understand how you're going to come back at that Supreme Court justice and say he covered your money. at a party and make no fuck yourself you dumb bitch next time don't fall asleep at the party he's lucky he covered your mouth if that was my party and one of my parties in jersey those guys would have

fucked in the ass and left you there and put your pants back on you wouldn't have known nothing till you're taking the shit and a little blood come out of your ass you're lucky he covered your mouth that's why i don't like no that shit something that happened 20 years ago that was a different person you know what the other day my wife made something for me to eat and i was like you know what give this a break. And I go, not because it's bad, but because I don't like it anymore. My taste have changed.

It's like I've said a thousand times. People fucking change. People fucking change. So, you know, you can't judge them on what they did 23 fucking years ago. 23 years ago, yeah, I got a blow job from a chick that would come there once a week. Can I get on your day?

Yeah, whatever. You know, you got to do whatever the fuck you got to do. You know, what do you think? She was the first one. What do you think? I knew her. We were friends. It was like a fucking joke.

No big deal. You're the motherfuckers that are, you know, Gentile Central. Oh, my God. But the guys that went off, you know, they went off. My point is that it's a new year. You got a new start. And if you want to work on something this year, because I see a lot of this and emails from young guys,

is that they're lonely. They don't know how to make friends with this fucking, and pandemic. A lot of people are in bad positions. Listen, it all starts with one friend. And all you need is three and you could take over the fucking world. How do I know? Because I've done it. Have I taken over the world? No, I'm not fucking Genghis Khan. What I mean taking over my world is I've taken over my world. What I do for a living, I've excelled that because of those three friends. If you don't have one or two friends that lift you, you need to work on that. Nobody's going to come and lift you. You have to try to lift them. I, Mike has been lifting me

for years. That's why now we lift each other and our relationship has grown. So if you're lonely this year, learn how to work on your friendships. You don't need to them, people. Everybody always wants to have a party with 12 people. Oh my God, I'm so loved. And wait till the bell, wait till the tab comes. I'll see how much they love. Everybody's looking around, scratching. Who's going to pick up that fucking dad? Go fuck yourself. Three people is all I need. Three people. We could take over the fucking world. Not the world. It's like I'm going to China. Oh, this is my fucking world. No. What I can control. My world. Three people. Today's the ride is.

birthday. I wanted to wish her a happy birthday and do this podcast and her name to her. And for her to find a way in her heart to forgive me for what I did. After I did that, I swore that I would be a better friend to my friends and I am. You know, when I'm your friend now, I'm your friend. Learn to be a friend. Don't worry about being popular. Don't worry about having eight people or a crew. You're never going to have a crew because one other eight's going to flip on you. You dumb motherfucker. The more people you add to your crew, the more chances if you got people flipping on you. All you need is one or two. You don't want to do a crime with three because then two can flip on one. That's a complete different thing. I'm talking

about friendship here, okay? As far as friendship is concerned, that's what this podcast is about today. you know she showed me the gift of friendship and i want to share it with you you want good friends you're not just going to get them because you know you have those friends that try to buy you you know let's go to france i'll pay no no no it's not about that it's about having each other's back having each other's balance friendship is a balance you know while i've been here in jersey i've learned one thing that i have a great wife we work well together I don't like Reagan leaves. She likes Reagan leaves.

You know what I'm saying? She don't like they got out the garbage? I like they got out the garbage. Me and my wife are a team together. That just didn't happen. That just doesn't happen. You have to work on it. You have to eat some shit from time to time.

You have to eat some shit and say you're sorry or say I feel this way. You know, I've never lasted with a woman like this. but when I hooked up with my wife, that's why it took me nine years to marry her, I said if she's going to be my wife, I'm going to be a husband. I don't want to do what I did last time and fail. I don't like failing at things two times, guys.

I don't like it. I don't mind failing at something one time, a particular thing. I failed at a lot of things. I failed on everything if you fucking really look at it. But I don't like failing doing one thing twice. there's no call for that first time shame on me second time first time shame on you second time shame on me i don't like failing or something like that so that's the episode for today i'm dedicating this a writer uh it's her birthday today up in heaven i wish i had a picture of her i'd light a candle for her

but i don't she was beautiful she was she was she was cuban black black african cuban and she had blonde hair way before little came. This is 79. This bitch already had a tight little blonde head dude. She looked like Dennis Rodman before the operation, but she was good looking Zerrida. And you know what man? 40 fucking years later,

I still really miss her. I miss her conversations and I miss what she did for me. If you take anything from this podcast so I remember, friends just don't fucking pop up out of the fucking ground. You've got to cultivate them. You got to work on it. You got to

let them know you're in and they need to know that you'll fucking die for them you know like i said to you those names i mentioned earlier timmy george jimmy lubebs these guys me and this is what that's who got me to the place my friends are who got me to this place your friends should be lifting you up not tearing you down that's what friends do i hope you enjoyed this podcast today uh thank you for the Patreon. Thank you for always giving me love on Twitter and Facebook.

I guess Periscope ain't out of business yet. Right? Another business yet? Let me check and see you. Because they were supposed to be out of business. But then the idea, so let me do a fucking periscope.

Oh shit. Periscope is not out of business. They changed their mind. They said, fuck it. We're going to keep doing. what we're doing. Anyway, that's what I want to talk to you about. Friendship today.

It's 2020, 21, it's a new year, and you have a new start. You know, I talk to Rogan every week. I talk to Timmy every week. I talk to Dean Delray every week. I talk to Lee every fucking day. I talk to Eddie Bravo.

I talk to Sam Triple. I talk to Jimmy Florentine. Mike and I. talk, you know, we fucking talk at night. I call him, he's putting a baby to sleep. You got a, the friends just don't, you know, I even checked them for you people. If you want to hate me, I even checked him with Deleah.

And I yelled at Delea yesterday. I wished him a happy fucking new year or two days ago. I wished him a happy new year. And I said, what are you fucking waiting for? What are you waiting for? That's it. Nobody else came out. Nobody said that you had sex with them

and there was 17. Nobody else said nothing. You text somebody, they were underage. It was a fucking mistake. That's it. What? You're done forever? I said, when is the podcast going to start?

And when are you going to put yourself back out there again? You know, people are not, people just don't forgive you. You have to ask for forgiveness. So I gave him advice. I hope he takes it. And that's it, man. If you're in a bind, ask for forgiveness.

If they're your friends, they'll see it. If they're not your friends, fuck them. Who the fuck are they to judge? Right or wrong. It's like lying. Like Willie Nelson, never lie to your friends. If you lie to them, you're going to fucking, if they're your friends, you're going to ruin it with a lie.

And if they're not your friends, who the fuck are they that you got, like, lie to them? Fuck them. I love you guys. Thank you very much for watching the joint. I hope to be back on Monday. With everything I got, I hope to be back. If you know anything about me, I will be here Monday. have fucking

viking in doubt with my leg out we'll figure it out but thank you for all the support thank you for all the well wishes and thank you for just listening to the podcast and the Patreon and everything else we have to offer

stay black and now for a word from our sponsors all right cock suckers thank you for this little te tate thank you for all the well wishes on the surgery on Friday

hopefully we'll be able to do a podcast next Monday. Let's see how I feel. I don't know if my leg's going to be sticking right up. I don't know if I'm going to be too fucked up on the fucking pills they give you. I don't fucking know what's going to happen. All I know is I'm here today. I'm having the surgery Friday. I appreciate you motherfuckers with everything that I got for always having my back, all right? But before I go, from the heart of Jersey, the join is brought to you by draft motherfucking kings. You understand me? Listen, if you haven't signed up yet, now is the time.

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We'll see what happens Friday but I'll keep you posted via Patreon and via Twitter and all that shit. I love you motherfuckers. Candle's always lit here. Have a great fucking weekend. Stay black.