The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 03/15/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #62

Episode Date: March 16, 2013

Joeys friend Greg calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH for a discount at check out. Streamed live on 03/15/2013

Oh shit. Oh shit. My brother Lee Syatt, Friday. The church. We're back, bitches like herpes in a month. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Happy St. Patty's Day before it even fucking happens. Get an attorney before you get that DUI cucketka.

Jesus Christ. I love it. The church of what's happening now. Kick that motherfucker Lee. Oh shit. We came to get down That's how we show up From the church

You're not gonna show up with fucking one gun and no bullets You're showing up to get down Cocksuckers, it's Friday Get your shit together I've been gone for eight days You're slipping Leeds drinking fucking carrots and shit Jump around what's happening

Motherfuckers are beautiful Day to be alive Friday March, what is it? 14, 15. Who the fuck now? Who gives a Frenchman? The month is half gone What have you done? Cocksucker

I'm here with my co-host, the main dog. Lee Syatt looking skinny than fucking ever. He's starting to look like a carrot from behind. You know what? I'm trying, buddy. 52 pounds. 52 fucking pounds. You know what? Part of the church is just trying.

Just showing up with a fucking gun and going to act. He showed up. What are you going to do? Beautiful fucking day. What's happening, Lee? This podcast is brought to you by Annet. Don't fuck around. Go to Onet.com.

Get your shit together. Go to the box. Pressing Church. Get your little fucking discount. and get your life started. A lot of shit been going on. We haven't talked, but I'm back,

bitches. What's happening to say? I'm feeling great, but I'm more interested. How is New Orleans? New Orleans is a beautiful fucking Catholic fucking city. It is.

It really is. You think it's Catholic? Yeah, they got churches fucking everywhere. So it's just that one way? Church everywhere. Underground, they got them everywhere on fucking boats. They don't give a fuck.

I walked around Sunday on the Lord's Day. I called like two different church services. It was just amazing, man. Got a cookie. Got cleansed. Met some fucking. people line there Utita. My Friday night show was a little slippy. Sunday night

we rocked the fucking house together. I want to give some shoutouts down there to New Orleans to special fucking people, my man. Dan, the fireman, brought me two sweatshirts, a t-shirt. I got one for Lisa. I have from Jefferson Parish. I love you. I feel bad I didn't get to see you guys. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I was on the set. And Saturday

and Sunday had family down there at Lee. Oh, really? That's nice. Yeah, the people from both away. We'll get to the fucking chef, whatever. whatever the fuck is chef Ron rock whatever I love this fucking guy the smile and the warmth in these people's faces you know Jake came up to me I didn't get to see him I smoked some fucking tremendous refa oh cool chef Rob gave me some fucking reef I took it back every I because you bring you have California wheat we and the California wheat is very good and it's

exceptional we've been smoking that same that same guy grows that year round yeah that's what it seems like these guys brought me some blue dream and something else I was The first two days I ain't gonna lie to you people. I'm over points. I'm so fucking gone. Fucking, what's his name? You know, Dolce can't even help me. He's all fucked up.

I went down to New Orleans. Listen, if you're a fat fuck, don't go to New Orleans. Okay? If you're a fat fuck and you like food, don't go to New Orleans. There was a Subway sandwich shop. That motherfucker was deserted. People wouldn't even go in there. I wasn't going to shoot somebody like Kennedy from a...

Who the fuck would go to Subway sandwiches when you live in New Orleans? Yeah, you call me. You go home at the first night and you're like, I'm just sitting outside watching it, hoping someone goes in so I can beat them up. Like, you want to go out. It's like a bitch-slapping. Because across the street, there's a place that has gumbo for $4.99.

So go fuck yourself with your $5 fucking sandwich. Because even a bad gumbo is a six up here. Like a bad restaurant in New Orleans is a fucking eight up here. You and I both know that. We got okay food up here in California. It's passive, so we eat it. The sun's out. The birds are chirping and there's fucking weed, so we accept it.

But it's not the fucking shit I had New Orleans. I had a steak. at Mr. John's steakhouse with a fucking crab cake and a salad. God damnly! Now you have to tell me, because I've been telling people, since I've been on this, I think of more about food than I do about sex. Did you have

a shrimp po-boy? Three of them. First night in, I got a shrimp pole boy. And I bit into it. I'm like, what the fuck is this? It's shrimp unbred with lettuce and the tomato. Who invented? And then something. The motherfucking sauce they put on it grabs you. It's like a finger in the ass.

She's sucking your pipe, but all of a sudden she pops the finger. You don't know what feels good. You know if it's a fucking blow job or the finger in the ass. When she takes her mouth off your pipe and you're leaking everywhere, you're like, God damn, that finger in the ass is a bad mother. Shut your mouth. It's Friday, bitches. I had just an amazing, like, I could say that.

No, I shouldn't say that shit. It was a good time in New Orleans. It was really cool. It really opened my eyes. I wasn't aware of the beauty down there. like Josh Wolf had been telling me for years and a couple people, but when I went down there it was fucking scary

all right, and I'm not scared of those fucking towns like that but I was scared that night. I took my cocaine and went right back to fucking Houston. And it was just differently. It was a real nice experience of people were really nice. You know, they don't know I'm fucking nuts and stuff. The Loneluit Theater was off the fucking chain.

Oh, cool. That sucked about Laudanua Theater that was at the end. We were smoking dope outside and the people were like, you got to go inside the bar. Your neighbors were going to complain. That's the only bad thing I had about that neighborhood Excuse me, but then I realized that You can't have weed down there They'll fucking throw you under the fucking jail

With Bourbon Street there? They care about weed? Yeah, that's what I heard. People like, don't fuck around down here with weed Okay They'll throw you under the fucking jail Jesus. So I was careful after that But as far as the other shit, the movie league,

God damn, I'm a lucky motherfucker Really? If people only knew, you know, like you see, this if people only knew how lucky like you are but the luck comes from trying yeah that's what people don't know that you can you make your own luck but you gotta really hang in there you know this movie here i audition bad for it they told me when i got there they're the first tape what were you thinking they go when you came back the second time you brought back some meat and then you're so you know you're funny like when you talk so we brought you in we had work

with you before so uh for starters i didn't go and then steal the role from anybody but But it was mine to lose. Yeah. It was my role to lose. That must be a new experience. What's that? Because you were used to fighting, and now you're like people are doing it with you in mind and they want you.

So it was my role to lose, you know. And I'm very fortunate there. But when you see that movie, you'll go, fucking Joey. No, no, no, no. I knew people. You know, I had worked with the guy before. It was a working experience before. But what was really crazy, I got this really weird thing down there now.

I get down Friday. Yeah. I do La Nuit. Sadly, my family. family comes up and then I had this kid Mike Giocona that I grew up with the North Bergen that lives in Jackson, Mississippi. And he came up. I haven't seen that motherfucker him 30 years. Last time I saw him he was accusing me of robbing his house. So when I saw him, the first thing I said to him was dog, I didn't fucking rob you house, which I really didn't. That's the first thing he said?

Yeah, because 30 years ago, every time somebody's house got robbed after a while, it was me in the neighborhood. It was Joey. No, it wasn't fucking Joey. You're right. You people are civilians. I was robbing drug dealers. Big fucking difference. But if you're a civilian that deals drugs, then I'd rob you too, but you got no problems. So that's the first thing I addressed. I go, I didn't mind. He goes, you know, I thought about it years later, blah, blah, blah, blah. But he told me an interesting story. When we had grown up, Mike was a year or too younger than us.

Okay. And Mike wasn't the sharpish tool in the shit. Great looking guy, sweetheart, big kid. But when we were younger, you know, he had problems at the house and stuff, his mom. The dad was cool, and the sister is my love. I grew up with the sister. The sister is one of my best friends in life. and Mike his house got robbed

he hung out with those crazy white dudes that I grew up with downtown Mike the Domic Special who died on the THC and Sabatino and Carlos Perez who I just saw in Miami when I lived downtown by giving that terrace this is a crazy bunch of motherfuckers so I mean these guys were fucking crazy

he brought me a hemp bag those coffee bags and he said don't open it until you get back to your room I want you to think about this hembag and you know I've never had one of those things but I remember when I was a kid towards the end of my mom's life she was running out of money we had sold the bar

and we were up a way station for weed for somebody I don't know it was one of my mother's friends from the old days so you mean like they'd leave it in your basement they'd leave it in my basement come get it like a week later and they left it in hemp bags I mean at one point I had like three of those things in this little room when you went into my garage and went upstairs in those days if you look down

There was a walkway that went down the stairs. And my mother had set up a bar on there with a refrigerator for meat. Okay. That's why I practiced karate when I was a kid who put upstairs. And I had like a little punching bag and I had a machiwara against the wall. And I would punch and I had all these little things down there. But in there was a little boiler room. Okay.

That they had wrapped up. And under the boiler, this is the weirdest thing about giving that terrorist. A lot of people to know. Under the boiler, if you pushed it over a little bit, a person could fit through there and it would take you under the street where I took you. Jesus Christ Where I took you And you could walk up the fucking street

Underneath Because that was all an orphanage And the 20 Lee It's fucking crazy And I should have talked about On the documentary And I didn't That under that street

There's like a fucking walkway For a kid Like the hallways from the orphanage Did they sneak out or? You know Lee? I don't know I never really thought about it But our houses

That pipe Whatever that that walkway It was like a small walkway You could connect With the other houses You could break in If you had to I guess the other, it leads it into the other, it's crazy shit.

Anyway, in that little closet where she had the bales of weed. Okay. One time, you know, I was tight with Domnic Spatial, very tight. Went to football camp together. And one day I went down, my mother came out and said she goes, one of the bales is missing. Did you take it? And I go, no, I was stealing from the top and selling it, but I wouldn't take a whole fucking bail. Yeah.

And it was this weed that the dealers did not know. This is the funniest thing. These were the dumbest weed dealers in the world, and I found out about this. Two ways. A, the first of two or three weeds they had were good. Then after that, they started getting this weed that the people who processed it

grinded the seeds into it and left the seeds in the weed for weight. Okay. So when you sparked it in a pipe, it would blow up. Oh, shit. Because seeds blow up. So we called an explosive seed. So let's say weed was $25 in those days

for a little bag. I would sell it for $20 or $15. because it was explosive weed it would blow up while you were smoking if you were smoking a joint you couldn't smoke in the joint it would keep turning off it's a fucking nightmare so the weed was ruined

and the second batch of weed another weed that got that got you fucked up that tastes like salt and what happened was they must have got this was Colombian weed they were bringing it up at the blow in those days

these people she knew because they had cocaine down there too then the weed became cocaine later on but that summer of 79 it was weed and somebody robbed my house. I mean, I was heartbroken, and I found that, that Dominic had something to do with, Dominic Spichial, and I was really heartbroken,

and Sabatino came to me and told me who it was, the people were responsible, but there was a kid they lied to me about it. They said he was involved. He's on Facebook now, and I remember I got him by the pool, and I caught him, it was like a 12, it was like a ring, like a small ring. Okay.

When you walk into a business, they have an outer thing with glass, then you open up a second door, I caught him in the first one. Okay. And I fucked them up in that first fucking little ring there. He couldn't get out of that. So how old were you?

I had to be 15. Jesus. Okay, so now they found that it was Dominic Special and Joe Rayo. The Rio brothers, one became a cop. And the young ones, the two twins, one was a decent motherfucker. The other one was crazy. In fact, he murdered somebody and went to jail for 20 years. Now he came out, and he's still fucking crazy because I talked to his older brother.

No, this is some crazy fucking neighbors. This is white kids that were fucking crazy. So he said, he told me an interesting story. You know, when I told him about that I didn't rob his house, he goes, let me tell you my story. He goes, after Dominic drowned on the T.HC. Crystal, you know, he was eating angel dust. Yeah. He goes, I went to his house a year later to give my apologies to his mother.

Because we were all kids. It's like if I hung out with you since we were kids, and all of a sudden, your mother. Nobody wanted to go over there because every time you went over there, the mother broke down. Oh, yeah, okay. I don't want to come to your house if you're going to break down on me. But we didn't understand. fucking kids. We were 16, so I avoided the mother. He went over to the house.

I seen the mother at the funeral, whatever, a few days later, but I would never fall into the clutches of the house. That's where they got you. Of course. So we went over there, and he said he went over to visit with the mother, and the mother said to him, you want to see Dominic's a room, and they went upstairs, when you open

the door, the stereo, he had robbed from Michael Giacona. Can you imagine going to see somebody and the dead fucking kid that is dead? You went to pay, robbed your fucking house. What did he do? He said he didn't know what the fuck to do. He was never so hurting all his life. This is the fucking environment.

I was down there with these little, you know, the THCs and the fucking crystals and that shit took over that little fucking minds, man. So it was just crazy. Michael showed up after 30 years, and I got to give him a hug. All this side of fucking New Orleans. But Monday, so Sunday I hung out with Michael

and then there's other family, the Koch is from Boulder. The Koch is a family. Because when I smacked my ex-husband's boyfriend I wasn't allowed to pick up my daughter I had to send somebody So I used to have to send the Koch's in Boulder Joe Koch and his wife, Mary

Joe is a bad motherfucking skinny dude From Mississippi that owns a bagel shop down there He went back after Bolton And he's done well and he's my brother I love him with all my heart His wife is from Michigan, Mary And I love her too with all my heart I mean solid fucking people from Boulder

I've kept in touch with since the early 90s. I've been friends with these people, and they lost a daughter. I don't know if you ever heard me tell that story that they had two daughters. Emma, and I forget the older one. And she called me on a Friday

to ask me my address, the older one, because she was graduating high school, they were doing a formal. Okay. In Mississippi. Julia, I still got the card on my wall, dog. So she goes, I need your card. Your address to send you a card for my form one.

You put $100 or $200. I was in the envelope and you send it back. It's like a wedding invitation. So Monday, I'm sitting outside. I got to call Friday, and I got to call Saturday, Saturday afternoon. I talked to the daughter, Julia, and then I talked to Joe Koch. Okay. And they said they were going to send me a card or Friday, one of those.

Let's just say it was one of those weekend nights. And Monday, I'm sitting in my yard, and I got a call from an old friend of mine and Bolden that said to me that I heard from Joe Koch, and I go, no. He goes, I have bad news for you. Julia died in a car accident that night. And that next Tuesday morning, I went to the mailbox and I got the card. Oh, no. Yeah, fucking, but they showed up, you know, and they weren't, mentioned Julia.

I mean, it's been about four or five years now, and I know it was tough on her at first. I couldn't imagine losing a fucking child. No. Hey, you know, they showed up. They were tough. We had a fucking great time. And that was it. But New Orleans was fucking tremendous.

Yeah. And the movie set, you know, I got to tell you guys a story because this is it, guys. It's just to tell you how fucking life turns out sometimes. So Monday, I have to go on the set. So I basically work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Okay. I go in at 12, but my set's nice scene. It's not going to be until about 4.

Okay. And she was me and De Niro. Oh, shit. Okay. Now, I had already gone on the set and watched De Niro and L.L. Cool J and all this shit going down, right? and John Bernanthal from Walking Dead. Oh, cool, okay. So he's in it.

He plays the son to De Niro, and the little kid is adorable. So I see this, Lee. You know, I see this. I inhale it. De Niro walks past. He says hello. They introduced him. I'm playing Mike.

They introduced me to L.L. Cool. Jake Todd is his real name. Okay. So they call him Todd or L.L. Yeah, they call him Todd. Okay. So everybody was very nice. You know, I mean, listen, when you meet him, what are you going to say?

was a doucheback from the first meeting. Everybody was very nice. And then I went back to my trailer. And I started thinking about the scene, Lee. And all of a sudden, I started getting anxiety. Really? Which is called, no, no, no. Anxiety's called, don't be such a fucking pussy.

It's called you're a fucking pussy disease. And most people have it. We all have it. We all have to stop being a little fucking put. But I got it badly. I mean, I was ready to pack my clothes. Lee, that's how fucking bad I get it. So for you people out there,

that think you have problems and shit listen man you never overcome it that's the battle is doing is getting out there leave for 35 minutes I was sweating profusely out of my armpits and my neck I even got the little dirt on your neck

you know when you get that little dirt on your neck I call it like four or five friends of mine it's called don't be a pussy fucking syndrome bro it's not anxiety it's called you're a fucking pussy and you got to get it together you worked hard together get this, you know what I'm saying? Like, we work hard

or this is the next step in our life. It can happen when you're going to go on a diet, anything, any big change in your life, you're going to get this. You always get that little doubt and if that doubt fucking beat you're a dead man, you know? And you used to say, you know, this is the last day I'm going to go on a diet and the next thing you know, you're a fucking

Burger King. You know, once you're all, I'm never going to lose weight. We get the fucking, you know, we hex ourselves. And man, I still got it. 20 years, I still got it. But what kept me alive was thinking, what if I walked out of you? What am I going to these motherfuckers. Oh, yeah.

Don't I'm a pussy. What am I going to tell the church guys? If I didn't have these guys, I would have probably walked out. Yeah, that's the entire, for people who don't, I do little YouTube videos. And then I only get a couple hundred views, I think one's up to 500. But I do it because I know if I didn't do it for a day, they'd start yelling at me. And it's really helps. Oh, no, you guys are bad.

You guys always say, oh, well, Joey, you inspire me. Well, listen, motherfuckers, you inspire me. Because I tell you, what, I had anxiety bad. That's why I started going to acupuncture. I took the pills they gave me. They suck. If a doctor gives you a pills for anxiety Just get rid of them

That's hydro fucking chloratrone Shit from Japan To Nahuah and Russia That just goes to kill you That's Chernobyl pills Throw that shit away Go to acupuncture run Smoke a little bit of weed

And write down what comes to your mind And what your fucking fears are Because that's what I had to do I had to write down Why am I scared of going in there Doing a scene with this fucking Theiro guy Who the fuck is this guy

You know what I'm saying Who the fuck is this guy I ran with Lee I run with some fucking savages You know what I'm saying? I had to get myself And then I start thinking about the fucking I run with RJ Stroko

And fucking Jill Himitsu And I run with M.B. In the podcast pit And Greg Spears Look at these fucking shot Look at these people I got in my life I got Travis I got Ricky Park

I got Dylan Rankin I got Alec Pace Kyle Gore We got some real motherfuckers Dogg We got Timmy Marcello making his fucking Debue and in the MMA

We got Connor Hamilton And Kamma Kahn of fucking Hewing So sometimes Yeah, bro, the anxiety takes a whole deal and you start thinking of your life and what a piece of shit you are But then you go fuck it. They gotta suck my dick wearing this together and I went in there dog and when the Niro came I just huffed and puffed and puffed and when I had to do my lines of them I just said the lines and after I said the first fucking line It was like fucking stealing me

Yeah, it was like stealing bug and it was stupid fucking lines and he called me a fat bastard or something like that So sit there reading the magazine and I said like nice a something you know But once I said it, Lee, all the fear was gone. The fucking, the lifesaver, the life vest came off. I took my dick out in the pool and pissed in it, motherfucker. Let's hit some fucking music there. What do you got for me, Lee? I got some King of Rock by Robert.

Oh, shit. Let's kick the lead. You smoke in dope or what? Let's break out the bat of life. We smoked it, what, 18 joints are right? Who gives a fuck? Let's smoke this last limp dick here. Oh, shit.

And I even told the devil's off me his soul. And knock on doors. And when we're on the tape, we're fresh. out the box. Oh shit. Lysayat, look at him. Juicing up a storm. Eating carrots like a motherfucker. Oh shit. It's Friday. Get up, cocknuckin. Watch that fucking snatch.

Smooth and southern. With D.C. I rock and roll. Huh. Huh. The fuck is wrong with this joint. I had it in my draw for like a week. Oh, yeah. This is radio active. Yeah. Don't worry. I'll make it work. I have a cut. Just want a couple shout-outs.

Scott Pellegrino. S.J. Pellegrino. He helped me out this week. What do he do? What do he do? He sent my resume over and I got my new job. Starting in a couple weeks. Lee's got more jobs than a fucking Jamaica. You understand me, people again. For you, motherfucker, he can't win the job.

This motherfucker is popping out job. He's working midnights, daylight. He don't give a fuck. He's worse than black people. I'm trying, but I thought about something on the way home this morning that you talked about. And I thought about it when you were talking about, where you were just talking about. I smoked some weed, you're going to talk. Fuck you, man.

It's Friday morning. We've got to get the party started saying Valentine's Day. What is it? Some Patty's Day. Yeah. So you always talk about, like, how when you look in your wallet and you see the sag card, you can't really believe it. And I was thinking about it today. The next job I have is going to be my fourth production company.

I've worked on some pretty big shows. And I've done this stuff with you. And it's crazy to think that, like, just a few years ago, it would have blown my mind. and it's just, like, it kind of, and I don't want to say boring, but it's like, it's normal now for me.

And it's, like, I had like a moment of like, oh, holy shit, what's happening. I wasn't scared or anything, but it's like, you look down and you're in, you're in SAG

and you're in a movie with Thineero, and it's just a... Listen, man, if you commit, what's that expression? No good deed goes. Unpunished?

No. How can a good deed be punished? No good deed goes something. And I really believe in my heart. If you would have told me that when I was 27 or 30 years old, I would have told you to suck my dick and sniff my helmet. Do you follow me? Like no good deed goes, whatever.

And I tell you this as an uncle you motherfucker, as a brother, as a friend. If you put the time in sincerely in your fucking heart, shit starts to happen. The beauty is once you see it unfold in front of you, and you're like sitting there going, holy fuck. I went from there to this step. You know, people think that I just met Joe Rogan one day, and he put me on the podcast, and we started rocking and rolling.

No, I've been fighting, banging this out since 91. Yeah. I've done triple runs where you're fucking up in the Pacific Northwest, and you have to drive eight hours in between gigs, slept on floors, went on Greyhound buses. I told you, I got a blow job from a chick from Buffalo to Syracuse. He was eluding not the law, but the health department. Nobody's ever got together with a girl that was looting the health department.

She had fleas or gangavitis or something In the fucking mouth I don't give a fuck When you're on Greyhound you take a blowjob from anything You follow me So Did you be there slogan? Greyhound get your dick suck

You do I'm telling you what You're bored in your life you're lonely Take a fucking Greyhound Take a greyhound dog And keep an open fucking mind You will meet some interesting God damn people

I know I did Holy shit I can't even imagine I met people at the bus days took me to the house and fed me and shit and hung out. Didn't want to fuck me in the ass. It was amazing. Yeah, did you hear about the Chinese one from Boston to New York that got shut down?

They have one, it starts in Boston, but it goes both ways, and it's like $10. So it's crazy. It goes from Chinatown to Chinatown. And they recently shut it down because, like, the buses were, like, cracked underneath and, like, falling apart and, like, one rolled over. And, like... That's the Chinese community. Those motherfuckers are gangsters.

Oh, yeah. I've heard people... People've been on it. Like, there have been chickens on the bus, and it's fucking, they don't give a shit. They transport anything. Heroin, Chinese people, sandals, spare ribs. They don't give a fuck. That's how to make a living, you know what I'm saying? I'm DJ Run, I rock and rule.

It's not a trick-a-treat, and it's not an ape of a fool. I ate some pretzels this morning when I got up. Some anti-fucking, oh shit. He comes up to me. These are vegan pretzels. They're not vegan pretzels. It says it right on it. You want them to show you?

They're weed pretzels that might be vegan. but you don't open up with vegan. Vegan? Right there. You want to read it? Top sucker? I believe you. No, my, my, my.

If you're going to try to embarrass me in front of these people. Read this shit. No, I'm not embarrassing you. With the glasses, I can't tell about. This is why that poor flat attendant is probably out of a job because you said, oh, these are vegan, and they're not vegan, they're a weed who happens to be vegan. Hey, I didn't lie.

Give us to a movie review. Yeah. A real movie review? Yeah. Oh, I have something to tell you. But yeah. Did you ever hear about that? Yeah. How they do the movie reviews.

Okay. So let's say somebody reviews the church of what's happening now. And there's a church of what's happening now is a shitty fucking podcast. It has Lee Syed, an editor who plays a fucking MOOC to another fucking MOOC. Joe Diaz, the vulgar language. But it sends out a positive energy. And they just take that part, yeah. Don't just take that part.

Yeah. Do you follow me? So they. they're not lying it's vegan I didn't lie oh it's got weed big fucking deal it's vegan you're a vegan Jesus Christ

Speaking of movies I had an interview Friday And then before work I was gonna go see a movie And I went and saw that 21 and over one But in the middle like 20 minutes in The other company called I had to leave It was so bad No

It was so awful I'm only walked out from one movie before my life and I didn't mind walking out of this one. It was just... No. It was so awful. I mean, maybe it could have gotten better, but... I would have paid the eight bucks

to see a little Chinese guy do the robot. I didn't even make it that far. No, it was bad. Yeah, I mean... They can't make a good fucking movie no more. No. They can't try. Nothing.

The other night I got stuck somewhere, I couldn't sleep when I got out and I had weird channels. When I was in New Orleans, I had weird channels, the porkies was on. Oh, cool. It was the scene when he puts his dick

in the fucking shower. Yeah. And she pulls the fucking dick. I had to watch the whole scene. I don't know if you motherfuckers know what I'm talking about. He puts his dick in the shower hole. And the gym instructor sees her. So she sees the dick.

And she walks over and she grabs the dick and starts fucking pulling the helmet. I got you. And he's y'all knows of his friend. She's got my dick. She's got my dick. So the next scene, they show the teacher, the gym teacher, and the principal's office with another teacher. Explain about what happened.

You never seen that? I know. I've seen probably. You never seen him He's sitting there And this lady's telling him the principal About what happened And she's like so

And the principal sitting there with his assistant With a fucking grin on his face Like going so The patty wacker And she's like I grabbed it And they're fucking dying They can't control themselves The woman is stern

She's fucking angry Yeah And they're like so you've seen the dick And then what do you want us to do And the one guy goes How about we draw a sketch You know On the bottom put

Have you seen this prank? And I'm sitting there fucking dying like a 13 year old Because I was 13 the first time I saw that fucking movie No I was probably 18 and 19 I was living in Colorado I was dying and laughing Those little high school movies

Are supposed to be fucking filthy And stupid You know That's what they're supposed to be Was it filthy? I mean I like that By looking at it It had no stars

No So I thought Why not These are five kids That are fucking hungry Maybe we bump into a fucking good Lee, where's the weed? You smoked it all.

What did you do with all the fucking weeds? When I got here, 19 fucking joints, now I got none. That's what happens when you bring Joey Diaz over. No. No, I mean,

maybe it picked up, but I didn't, I didn't feel bad about having to leave it. But I told you I watched the original odd couple the other night, and that's a funny fucking movie. You know, it's a tough sell.

When you told me, I was very surprised that you even mention it to me. You know, it's a tough sell for the podcast because I have a lot of young guys on here. And listen, guys, when I was fucking young,

I tell you what I hate more than that. If I tell you, people don't get mad at me. Black and white movies. Yeah, those are tough. You know, when I was a kid and I saw a black and white movie, and I'd get that old shit out of there. So I could imagine when I tell you guys to put the mechanic on. I could just imagine you like Joey, we love you,

but fuck you in this old movie. I could just imagine. Yeah. So it's a very tough... So I try to pick something mid-range for these guys. That's very... It has some history to it. Okay.

Because if not to look at me, it's like music sometimes. I put on... I'll put YouTube's first. God, man. These motherfuckers are booming. Really? It's a brilliant fucking album war. War, I think it's either first or the second. I'll put some brilliant movement because it's too old. Yeah. It's out of their fucking price range.

And I don't blame you. Like I told you, you know, when I was a kid and you put on black and white, get the fuck out of here. All that Chuck Berry shit when I was a kid, get the fuck out of here. Elvis? When I was a kid, you put Elvis on and around me, I'd fucking stab you. Today, I hear Elvis, I lose my mind because I understand the brilliant subject. I tell you who else, I fucking hate it as a kid.

Who? The Beatles. No, you did? I hate them. Because I know you hated SNL because other people liked it. It wasn't that or whatever? No. S&L, I just, you know, I bumped into this guy,

the guy that was training Stallone and De Niro for boxing. It's from Madawan, New Jersey. He might call in Monday. He's a trainer, and he specializes in weight loss and stuff. I was going to have him call him today, but he's promoting a fight. Okay. On a different radio station or something. He couldn't make both.

calls and at one point I was talking about channel 20 what's channel we here okay and they have old shows gun smoke and scores bananas they have the odd couple and I watch it from time to time but they have all those old shows that I used to look at and laugh at as a kid like I would you know come uh it's just all those black and like when I was a kid there was no law and order there was Perry Mason yeah Perry Mason's a bad motherfucker with whatever his name But I didn't like it until I got out of it. When I was a fucking kid, bro, I hated the Beatles.

Something about... It's just something about them. I grew up on that old-style comedy. The Montymoons, the Jackie Gleason. And when I told that kid about that, his eyes lit up. And we started telling lines to each other about when they went to the doctor's office,

and Norton, dressed up as a doctor. And he walked in, he kept telling the guy, don't touch me, I'm sterile. And they had two writers for that show. There was two writers and Jackie Gleason. and they improvised the rest. And I look at the end of San Night Live and you have 30 fucking writers.

Last week, I was thinking about you this last week. I watched Saturday Night Live. And they've had to bring back all these old guys and Justin Timberlake to liven it up and shit to get the ratings back. And for people, really, I mean, it's kind of cute, but I see right to fuck through it because these are people that are eating my food

for the last 20 fucking years. Oh my God, they're so funny. They ain't that fucking funny. It's not that fucking funny. You watch the first half hour Sondonat Live it gets you a little bit. After that, it's a fucking brutal

last fucking hour after the first musical guest. Yeah. It's brutal for me. It always has been. And it's crazy, especially now, because I've never really watched it,

but there's always, they have certain sketches that are funny. But now, you don't have to watch the whole hour because when you were a kid, if you didn't walk the hour, you'd miss it. Now anything that's funny

is on YouTube within 20 minutes and you can watch the sketches that are funny. So the shows like that that's going to have to go away soon. So, you know, I like that style of comedy.

The honeymooners is why I'm here today with you. The reason why I became a comic. It inspired me that much. And when I was sharing the stories with this guy, he's from Model 1, New Jersey. We talked about WPIX. And how on 1030 on W.O.R. was Benny Hill.

We never missed Benny Hill. And then 11 o'clock, you switch to Channel 11 and you watch the honeymooners, the out couple, Sampton Sun, and the Twilight Zone. That was it. I don't give a fuck of your first class at 730.

You didn't fucking miss that. And when I was in the seventh grade and sixth grade, I would get on the phone with Wadi O'Donnell in my mother's room, or I would get on the phone with somebody else on their fucking room, and we would talk about what was going on. I would play Ralph and he would play Norton. You follow me?

That's why a couple weeks ago, I got the baby in my arms. I was about to go out to do comedy. My wife is getting ready, and I see the odd couples on. I put the fucking out couple on, and it's an episode that we used to goof around. He went to Jamaica and Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, and all his crazy shit. And next thing you know, I started bawling.

I started fucking bawling like a little girl. Holy shit. Because that's the fucking reason why I'm here. That's the reason why I became a comic, why I thought in my mind. Every night, I know that beginning to the odd couple. On November 10th, Mattis' wife had thrown him out, requesting that he never returned. Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy? we used to do

when we got on the number one bus that's how we got the ride going Oh really? That's how we started the fucking ride And then we do every episode Of the honeymooners verbatim Six guys in the back of a bus Fucking, you know

My friend, Harvey's even bigger than you Even bigger than me I got a friend Shirley That's fucking bigger than you All those fucking lines from the honeymooners You know, there's a scene of the honeymooners Where they're going to inherit $3 million.

Okay It's one of the funniest fucking things I have ever seen in my life, okay? And he lends, Norton lends him, it's like if I come to you and I go, listen, I need $20, but you've already heard every story.

Yeah. You've already heard every fucking story. And you're like, come on, Joey. And I'm like, listen, how would you like to be part of a corporation? And you're like, what? And I'm like a corporation.

You know, I got this money. It's coming in. What is it? For $20, I give you 20% of the corporation. So after a month goes by, Norton knocks on the door. and they go Zayrath.

You told me every time you spun around I'd make money. So far, you haven't been no fucking top. All right, where's my money, right? So they start talking, and somebody knocks on the door. And it's like a lawyer. And he's like, I'm a lawyer from Ms. Monaghan. I'm here to inform you that she died. Constantine, I love you, Coxsucket.

She died and that she left you something in the will. You have to go to the reading tomorrow. Okay. So right away, they look at the paper, and she was worth $30 million. So Rob was like We're inherited $30 million. She's got a nephew. She hates him.

So we inherited 30 million. And the whole time he says I'm hurried 30 million dollars, Norton goes, 20% to the stockholders, right? I'm dying. Every time he says, I inherited $30,000, $30 million, Norton would go,

and 20% goes to the stockholders. So now it's the day they have to wake up to go to this meeting. Yeah. Fucking Norton shows up with a briefcase, with a suitcase. But it's on the table. Ralph looks on him and goes,

what's the suitcase for? He goes, $30 million, how are you going to bring it home? Jesus. Ralph looks at him, and he knows. He wants to argue with him.

He's like, you know, you're a real fucking idiot, but you're my buddy. He goes, why don't you go upstairs and cut $30 million and see if it even fits in there?

Norton looks at him, chik, opens up the suitcase, takes out the phony money and slams the thing. He goes, those small details. That's brilliance to me.

Then they go down there, Listen to the writing. Listen to the fucking writing. They kept saying she had a fortune. Okay. They walk into this fucking mansion. And there's a fucking statue of Venus de Milo. Yeah?

With no arms and no legs. In front of the butler, Norton hits her out from here. Look at that guy. He must have a rotten barber. They walk into the thing. They sit down. The nephew's there. They start goofing on the nephew because he's a gambler.

And she leaves the nephew a dollar. Oh, no. A dollar. And they're like, you better bet it on the winner and all this shit. They're just tormenting. And they're clapping in between. You know, he left the May 30,000. They started clapping.

Norton's clapping. And also everybody looks like it. It's a little habit. I picked up in the quiz shows. But here's what gets ugly. She goes, and two of my favorite bus driver to a simple, I leave my fortune. They both get up.

They're clapping. They're hugging each other. We're rich. And he's in the back 30%. Goes to the stock owners. And finally he goes, come on, bring in the fortune. It's a fucking bird.

And the name of it was Fortune. That's comedy fucking writing, 101. Yeah. That's comedy. They took us one way, and they took us another. There's an episode when they go on a train, and he handcuffs him, and he goes, put the handcuff on, one, two, three, buff. And that's it.

The handcuffs come off, and they both got locked up with the handcuff. Okay. And he kept saying to him, Ralph, can you get me water, and they have to go back in the bunker? Ralph, can you take my jacket off? It's hot. They have to come off to the bank and take the jacket off. And he's hanging there with a hang.

And finally, he goes, Ralph, can I get a cigarette? Ralph is furious. He gets up. He goes, get down, get down. You want any water? No. You want any? No, no, you want this?

No, you need this? No, he goes, I just need a cigarette. All right, get up there. He goes up there, two minutes into it. He goes, Ralph, you forgot to ask me if I needed a match. They got up and they found that the train is going a different fucking direction. That's comedy. Yeah.

They were taking you somewhere, and that's the shit we don't. see today. That's the shit we don't see today. Watch I Love Lucy. Give I I Love Lucy a chance. If you get stoned fucking just give me five minutes of your time and put on I Love Lucy. I call him I Love Lucy that was dying when he breaks out in Spanish it was 1955. It was 95. People, there were no spicks.

There were no spicks at 1951 or 55. Cut it out. You know what that man did? Do you have any fucking idea what he did? You know I told you the story. His parents got rid of him out of Cuba. That kid was on his own. They just drew him out of Cuba. His

father was part of some Batista regime. I don't know what the whole story was, but they sent them to a Catholic school in Miami. Okay. By himself. It's like me sending you to school in Israel by yourself. No cousins, no nothing. Fuck. Just send you there

and give you enough loot. And while he was there, one Christmas, he was by himself. And some kid said, you want to come home with me. Jesus, he's going to sit here by yourself, was Al Capone's son. Al Capone's son. Al Capone's son took him back to Chicago. Al Capone fell in love with this fucking spake. It was fucking amazing. That's hysterical.

It was fucking amazing. Listen, put on a little hector-la-vo, Tolo Teno Tiennesu Finale from like the fucking three-minute part. We got to give a shout-out to some fucking Spanish people this week. Taking over the fucking Vatican. Nick Diaz is fighting. Carlos Conduids fucking fighting. We got some Spicks happen, making things happen.

Uncle Joey's here with my main man. We got to give a shout out to Spanish people. Who the fuck are you think you're dealing with here? What, um, I'm about, that's going to be 10 seconds. But what do you think of Chavez? Did you have any comment? Like, because, I mean, it's another dictator sort of... Nothing.

He was a fucking... He was fucking crazy. He was fucking crazy. You give those fucking momos light. He's done. Yeah, but he's going to be on display permanently. Like, they're like, mummifying him, so he can go look at him. Keep going, mummify.

You're going to go see him and touch his fucking dead foot? No. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. He goes nuts. Keep going. Keep going.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Little Hector. All the Puerto Ricans up there. Dead Squad. New York City, Dead Squad, Harlem. Raise your fucking hands, cock sucker. Speed it up a little bit now until he goes fucking. This is the music. Keep going. Right there is good.

I hear you leave. Here we go. A little fucking moroccus for you. Get up, cock suckers. It's Friday. If pussy your ass or cock and your future, watch that monkey because it's Friday. You know what I'm saying? You want to make a good impression.

St. Paddies is fucking Sunday. Take your honor, immune. If you're going to go out and party this week and take that immune, if you're going to eat some badass. You never know, when you get some ass, it's got fucking cranberries in there, whatever, dingo berries. Who the fuck knows? There you are coughing at work with a weird breath.

And you got to take some fucking antibiotics. So get it together at St. Patti's Day. And be careful out there. Some crazy fucking Irish people. Me, I don't give a fuck. I'm down with the fucking Irish. You know what I'm saying? The Battle of the Boyne.

What keep, what those are you? I have them wiggle for me, I want to see you wiggling 52 pounds lightly. Because you wiggle, you know, you're wiggling when you're a behemoth of a man. Now look at you. You bad motherfucker. You still look like Tony Sopranoly on the off season

with the beard. Hit it Lee. All right. It's Friday, you bad motherfuckers. Little Hector Levoe. Out of respect for the Argentinian Pope. I know he's a talent. Get the fuck out of it.

Hit it. Oh shit. Oh shit. Let me see you wiggle. Titi-di-d-d-d-d-d-de-di-di-di-deh. Chopin'Alante, chollante. Oh, shit. A little fucking spick singing this morning for you, motherfuckers.

Oh, there you go. Ammo que me lice. What? I'll teach you some Spanish. What does that mean? What is he saying about? You sniff my fucking helmet. That's the...

That's what I mean. I don't know what it means? What are you bothered me for? Saying it in meanings is what in my dictionary in Spanish? Yes. You speak Spanish. You better get together. You're going to become a Jew that fucking speaks Spanish.

It's just another weapon. You're fucking weary. Maybe it's only at a Yum Yum Donuts that you speak Spanish. Who speaks Spanish, you Yum Yum Donuts? You! When did I speak Spanish and Yum Yum Donuts? You dirty bastards. Every time we go in,

you, like, he's your cousin back there. And now you say you don't know what Toto Tiena Sufinel means. Oh, Toto Tiena Zaninempsi means everything comes to a fucking N, cock sucker. Like your eyeball. I'm going to stick this fake cigarette. You're sitting right in your fucking eyeball. You'll be walking around with a patch in one eye, waiting for the other eye to get farted in,

which I got the chick. She's been calling me. She wants to $500 advance. I told her whatever the fuck she wants. What fucker? This is done. What is she getting $500 for? To fart in your face, to stick to a particular diet.

You want her to juice. I don't want to blow. You know, I don't want her to throw an apple in your eye, and it throws your diet off. You follow me? If she's going to fart in your face, you're going to be juicing. Fine. You don't really have any farks when you're just.

since that's fine. Well, then I'll eat a big ball of fucking peanut butter with chunks in it. One of those chunky peanut butter. You got a peanut in the eyeball? No. You're never eating an asshole. You don't know what it is to bump into a peanut by mistake.

You're not exactly selling it. Who wants a peanut in the eyeball? Why not? It's a human ear. A little one, like a crunched one already. Once that's the intestines crunched a little bit. You got like snapple. Oh, good.

So your body can't even break it down, but it's coming out of the asshole. And into your eye. Bodies don't break, bomb peanut and corn. That's why there's always little things of corn That's why every time you go to Boston Market Don't eat the corn Oh, I love corn

Oh, I love it too Cream and fucking Yote I'm on it Have you ever had? I've never had it But I've seen it around here a lot Like corn on the cup And they put like some Spanish cheese on it

Is that good? I don't know about the Spanish cheese I get the shit with the seasonings At the farmer's market on Sundays Oh fuck Delicious yeah delicious You're not gonna eat ever again No I am

In a few weeks No you ain't eating that's it You already got it beat Fuck it why go back to eating now I have to eat Fuck that. I'm going to go like a fucking bananas. Soldier.

You're like Rambo of the diet world. Look at you. I'm next. I'm going to tell you something, people. This is what happened. I have some juice. You want it? Fuck.

I wouldn't drink that shit. Unless you gave it to me in Trevenously, you better knock me out to put the needle in because it's not worth the aggravation. I'm going to wait watches today. I'm going back to count my points. Oh, cool. You know what?

When I booked this, I read the signs, then when I talked to the cast director, she was like, you know what? Pete expected you to be a little bigger. Really? Yeah, because he worked at me last time in the longest. yard so he didn't fucking know when I shut up he's like you lost some fucking weight didn't you know yeah I lost some way he's like no we wanted your gut to be the old

gut we didn't know if you had shrunk a little bit I still got a fucking gut who you can't be it looks bigger on camera that's 10 pounds yeah they can put a small shirt on you and stuff yeah but it wasn't the same didn't have the patois the old gut the old gut had the lumps in it the cellulete you know this you can see like little striations my obliques are trying to make a comeback no no I'm gonna hire a trainer for this next uh for this special and stuff. Nice.

He said, not the baby. I don't want the baby to be one and I can't walk around. My cardio's good. Everything's good. I'm going to kickboxing for having to work out tomorrow. Then I got five days. And it's up to Sacramento with my man Di Agostino, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Then after that, I'm a little hiatus for a few weeks.

I'm going to go to fucking Miami. Did you see that? I might bring you to that one, Lisa. I'm not sure you. It's the Miami Comedy Festival, right? Pete Holmes is there too. Oh, cool. Yeah.

He's in a small theater also later on that night. And isn't, I think Bill Burr is. There too. Bill Burr, Salas, Silverman. So if you're in Miami, Fort Laude there, West Palm Beach, do me a favor. Here's the deal. If I sell out Friday night, which is 204 seats, they'll give me Saturday for $4.20. I'm going to get the banana bread ship down.

I'm going to get some posters from the longest yard that I showed you, the ones that they kept me. They're going to be limited edition. Oh, cool. Because when the longest shirt first came out, they put me in the poster. But then when W.B., whatever, gave Chris Rock the show, they put the black dude in the poster. And they put his head over my fucking body. I still got the original posters. We found them when we were moving the office.

Oh, cool. You know, you find some shit that you forget about it, so I'm going to bring some of those down. I'm going to sign those, giving away some people. So I'm going to have a good time to Miami. You know, some Cuban people down there. I haven't seen some people I grew up with.

So I'm going to have my own fucking festival down there. And can you buy tickets at joey-d-s-s dot net, or is that on Ticketmaster? What is it? I think it's on Ticketmaster. And it's $20 in the $9 festival fucking fee. It's the South Beach. So my apologies to everybody.

You know I'm not a mutt like that. The $9 has nothing to do with me. I don't like making my tickets over $18. I try to be fair with everybody. The way I always look at it, if you can't afford, if you go to a movie and it's sold out, you might as well come see Joey Dears. I don't want you to really kill yourself,

but the clubs have a certain fucking quota. You guys support me in every way. You support me. So the $9 service charge is not mine. It's required for you to fucking go, and I don't know what to tell you. I like to sell both of these out. It's $404.

I'm sorry. I'm burping this month. I had a protein shake between the pexels and Lee making me nervous, cocksucker. We don't have a call to that 635,

but I have a call at 7.10. My buddy Greg Schmidt's going to call, you know, he invited me last night. I'll tell you his one he called. But I noticed I got on the scale was like 315 after fucking New Orleans. Oh, of course. You were down there for like five days?

But let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. They put me up at this hotel. Okay. That was very rustic. I guess that's where they cut the deal for New England for the the Saints

When the Saints first came This was the hotel in the 60s This was a very rustic hotel Okay And part of the deal of this hotel Is that you could eat there for 10 bucks Nice So you know me dog

I'm a fucking glutton for punishment I start walking And I walk to the one side one day Looking I got some pizza down there That was very good at a place called slice I guess Bro I got some good food down there Yeah

Now the first day for breakfast I went to some place And I hate fucking eggs on Saturday and I had like an omelet and I fucking hate eggs. So that Sunday morning I found out somebody said to me

they had great breakfast at the hotel so I went to the hotel and I got two eggs to toast two slices of bacon and I got now 10 bucks get you a seven-course breakfast seven-course lunch or seven-course

I'm dead serious people this hotel is cool as shit So I got the oatmeal. Now the best oatmeal on the country, and I don't mind of nobody. You go all over the fucking country and eat it is the Mandalay Bay oatmeal. It's 7.95, and they make it with cream.

And you can't eat enough of it. But you go right upstairs and shit just like you ate 20 apples. It's healthy for you. And you eat it straight with maybe a piece of toast and some fucking water, you know, and it's delicious. I always eat it when.

I can't wait to go to Vegas to eat oatmeal at this particular place. And I don't know if it's the Mandalay Bay or the other one or the other casino, but I think it's a Mandalay Bay, the Ruffles. I think that's the name of it, the little hotel thing that they have great fucking oatmeal. This place in New Orleans had better oatmeal. Oh, shit. I had another fucking bowl. Even the eggs were delicious.

There were country eggs. You could taste the fucking yolk. Oh, nice. I didn't eat the butter the fucking bread. You know, the bread, everything. Then one day I went in there for some shrimp creole with a salad Delicious the flavor delicious I had the tuna in there the tuna pansy or tuna with the spinach

Yeah fucking deliciously One night they had the spaghetti for dinner I swear to God I thought I had Valiums in it I had called chef Robb and I called Dan at the firehouse Tuesday morning or Monday morning I go listen depending on the week Depending on the night what time we get out of there. I'll come home and wash my pussy

and give you guys a call and we get together and smoke some dope. The one guy's a fire him and he can't smoke dope. Who I love. I love that. I love Dan. I love looking at his face.

You can tell he'll light your fucking house on fire. And I'll shut up 20 minutes later. And I meant to wear the sweatship this morning. I just left in a fucking rush because I was running late this morning. And it's kind of warm. Yeah, it is nice.

Fucking 90 degrees already. I didn't even have to bring a jacket or nothing. Yeah, I did bring a jacket. It was fucking hot than hell. And was I talking about Lee, Lee, Lian. food you ate in Tuesday when you're tired. On Tuesday, I went back to the room one night, and I was going to walk to this place, and I was going to call it to the chef, because chef had barbecue for me.

Oh, nice. And I got out of the thing at 7 o'clock at night, and as I was walking into the hotel, the lady was there, real cute girl, and she goes, you got to try the spaghetti tonight. She was this black chick that was very cute. And I go, how good is it? And she goes, man, it's off the fucking chain. And I went and I go, you know what, I'm not even going to take a shout. Let me eat the spaghetti, and I go upstairs.

because the restaurant closes at 8 and I was fucking starving. It was one of the first movies I had been on that the crab services wasn't that good. The crafty was better. So crab services comes in at 8, 12, and 6 for dinner. Crafty, who's there all day

making protein shakes and soups and he made a Philadelphia cheese steak soup that I almost fucking died. Everything was from scratch. This guy was badass. He was a Cajun mother of badass. I got to give props to fucking food, all right? You know, this is the weirdest podcast because it's a fat man alert podcast, but we love fucking food.

Everyone loves food. We love food. And we love good fucking food. Oh, yeah. Did you have the, like the donut things, the bignets or whatever that is? No, I didn't. I tried to watch it, Lee. You know, Lee, I'm a fat dude that understands I keep it down in proportions, like the pasta I ate.

Yeah. They definitely put sleeping pills in it, but it was a little bowl, and I had a salad with it. You know, I'm trying to do it, like, yesterday, American Airlines, whatever. Delta, they come over the basket, and they ask me what I wanted. They had chips and then I took the banana. We have to try halfway. We could still have a little bit of both worlds. You follow me?

I think we're the same way because I've been craving food. I don't crave the sweet things. I crave the actual food food. I don't crave sweet things at all. Was that the night you called me at like, I think it was two or three in the morning our time and you were like, I fell asleep at 8.30. Yeah, I fell asleep. I was drooling.

When I woke up, no sleep apnea mask. I got up at like two and I went right to bed with my clothes and I put the sleep out in the mask. And I woke up at four because of the shirt. Yeah. I was sweating. profusiously. I can feel the sweat in my fucking back. When they changed those sheets, like, this guy was sweating in this fucking bed.

You can smell a fat man sweat. You know, a fat man sweat smells different. Of course it knows. It smells like potato chips and fucking salsa and ice cream and Taco Bell and unfucking believable. But no, it's great to be back home. I tell you, I called my wife the other day and she was telling me that the baby was great, everything was great,

but the cats were acting up. Cats know timing. They know timing. Okay. Cats eat at the same time every day. Cats know when you walk in. My wife used to work. At about 5 o'clock, Demmy's already lurking because he knows he's 30 minutes away.

He's getting ready for his mom to come home. Oh, that's funny, yeah. He starts licking Harry. They get ready for their mom to come home. They're very good with timing. And they're used to me leaving on Thursday and coming back Sunday morning. I don't lie to people.

They don't like me out past three nights. So Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I threw him off at Friday. They were all fucking thrown off. Like, where's he going? It's Friday. There's no work now. He can't go nowhere now.

By Sunday night, my wife called, and she's like, they know, you're not coming back. I go, how do they know? They go, because they peed. Oh, shit. You know, they peed in your room. They didn't piss at you. You know?

So Monday night, we were talking to me, and she goes, no, no, they've been fighting all fucking day. Because you're not here. You're their whole, you know, I'm with them off. I love those animals. You know that way. Yeah, yeah. Especially since fucking Finney died.

Now Fidel, it's like the guy, it's like the Gambino's in 85. When they killed, uh, when they killed, uh, when they killed, killed fucking Costellano, you had John Gotti's faction and you had other factions, but since he killed Costalano, there was no argument. But when the original boss died of the Gambino's, the poor, the little guy, whatever his fucking name was, you know, you had the Paul Costalano faction and you had the other faction, the guy from downtown the Delacrochi, and they didn't

know what to do. So they had to have a meeting, and that's what's going on in my house right now. It's between Fidel and And it's between Sissy. Really? Yeah, because Sissy's been there longer, but she's a female. So I don't know how it's going to go down. So there's going to be a war any fucking day in my house. That's funny.

I don't know who's going to side with who because Sissy's always been a loner. She's never very popular. She's a great cat. She's just not popular with the other one. She doesn't really play with you. Yeah, I just assumed to be Fidel because he, like, I always thought he was. Like, I wasn't there for, like, I was there for a little bit. And Fidel's always walking around and meowing.

But it's funny how he said, like, he'd let Finney like a tally. attack him and like his finney was like the king so now he's trying to be finny so he's attacking cats wow you follow me so now he's being finny he's not hurting anybody he's just attacking him the way finny used to attack him finny used to fuck fidel up and he was half the size it was amazing to watch he'd take him down fidel be looking at me like ah ah yeah are you fucking crazy you could turn over it's like cane fighting like george rupe it's like some heavyweight fighting like a 145, but that's what it looked like, you know? I can't really we're talking about fucking cats.

What the fuck? It's this podcast coming. You know what I'm saying? Lee, what's happening? You're happy to be back. You know, prets. It's vegan. I can't eat. I'm going to be fucked up today, Liz. I think I'm looking at cars today, I think. What?

Looking at you. Because, yeah, I bought this car when I didn't have any credit, and I have, like, 5 or 6% interest or whatever, and I've had this car for almost three years, and I might not buy anything, but I'm thinking about trying to get like a smaller car get better gas mileage get a little jetta who knows yeah i heard they did good and safety rate i don't know i'm gonna look is you no i guess i showed you but um i've been looking at it and then i'm also later this week um this week or next

week i'm doing that reporter kid speaks did you yeah you contacted me on twitter so it's a good man let me blow my nose here all shit i took one of those allergy tests you know for like 180 fucking dollars that they tested that with the pins and shit oh no now with the pins okay did the blood test okay quest whatever god damn I got a lot of allergies I didn't know about oh that's that I got to get these drops and a shot and pills I'm allergic to eight million fucking things like I'm allergic to wheat like that's part of the reason why when I ever whenever I do these diets like I feel better because I'm my guy got tested I'm allergic to like wheat tomatoes like nothing

really happens except I gain weight and and I get tired in their bags into my eyes. But allergies suck. I don't really have them here because it's so dry, but every time I go back east, it destroys me. I'm watching Yulee, you know what I'm studying? You're a fucking savage. I try.

All right, what else? What do you got from me? You got any music? Yeah, let's do some... What do you got from? What do you got from? Let's do some deaf leopard. Oh shit!

It's Friday, bitches. So, Miami, April 19th. Next week, the 27th of March, we're doing a special ice house instead of testicle testaments We're doing a live podcast with Vinnie Kirto It's going to be me, you, Vinnie Kirto

For an hour and a half Talking shit up at the Ice House We will put the podcast up We're not charging for it None of that shit will still be free It'll be like an extra fucking podcast For you motherfuckers Yeah

So what you do is you eat some fucking alpha brain You snort some fucking T-HC And you listen to the podcast Alright And for people who might not remember Vinikurto is the boxing guy Who was on Beating the Beast And it was one of the best

podcast I've ever been involved Yeah. Like tears. We had to stop during the fucking podcast and cry. Like Vinnie Curdo is a boxer that's been in movies. He sold a few scripts. In fact, one De Niro was going to do play Angelo Dundee

because he was managed by Angelo Dundee, this guy. Okay. Vinny Curto is the real fucking deal. And the sweetheart, and I got a lot of respect from one of the best beating the beast episodes he did was with him. Yeah. It was with him. One of we did was with him.

He took you into fucking long waters. I got tons of emails after that saying, hey man, you can't have that guy in a fucking show while I'm at work I was crying in my cubicle holy shit so we're gonna do a live one with Vinnie fucking Curdo and I hope you guys come out Lee Syatt's gonna do his debut that night

no pressure only get your shit together Lee by that time you're like 90 pounds fucking lighter you'll be sitting on a leaf pretty soon you'll be slinging dick Lee what are you gonna do with your new fucking looks look at you I don't know man he's a little Jew and shit I'm trying he's gonna wear the yarmica with dollar signs in it big pimping

Why don't you get a BMW, be one of those crazy Jews. I can't afford a BMW. Yes, you can. You got more money than God. I got to hit it under the couch. Why, won't we sell this chick on the couch? Like $20,000. Just sell her?

I like that. She's a cute fucking girl. Yeah, she's nice. She's very cute, very personal. How's the job going? Good. She's doing good, just looking for an apartment. I believe you woke her up and liked a little monkey one night.

I can't do that. Just a friend's in my house. Just pick that. That's fucking last. That's your friends. You know, go over there and pick up a fucking leg. just lick a little monkey nice and soft when she's sleeping right through the underwear. Just lick that little fucking fong, just lick.

And you'll see the monkey open up right in front of you, like one of those 3D flowers. You'll see how little first wing will pop out, and the thong will be right on that fucking wing. You'll see the wing coming to light by itself. And then you lick the other wing, and the other wing pops out of the thigh. Then you got them, you know what I'm saying? Why do you want me to go to jail? I don't understand. I don't want you to go to jail.

I want you to have a good time, Cucksuck. I want you to have a good time. She's a cutie. She likes you. She wouldn't be on the couch and she didn't leave. She wasn't going to pop that fucking Jew helmet and her little muffler one night by mistake. Jesus Christ.

I love getting all you all you all around up. So these chick's been calling me. Let's give her the 500. The podcast ends this time. I'm not giving her a nickel. I'm going to give her nickel so she could pee on you. You got to have to pee on your forehead. No, she's not peeing on me.

Listen, they just did a special fucking study and filling for you, bald guys. You rub pee on your head and your follicles open up. Let this girl pee on your head. You'll have a fucking Justin. Peep a head, dude. I'd rather be completely hairless with no eyebrows and get peed on it. I'm telling you, Doug. Let this chick.

Let's try it. What if she pees on you, you start growing hair? You're like a fucking beetle. I'll let you get peat up first. I got a ton of hair. I just want you to let me. I don't care. I'm a married man.

I can't let no woman pee on me. Why? But you got to do, listen, part of this whole fucking night with the fart and the face is her, just a little squirt in your fucking head. You never peed on your foot by mistake? I probably have, but it's my peeve. That's totally ever. Okay, same thing.

You never had pee on your hands and you eat a piece of chicken with your pee on your hands? Yes, you did, because you're a nasty motherfucker taco. You never peed at work, didn't shake your helmet, right? You had left a little pee on the outside of your finger, and you drive the jack in the box and eat three of those fucking sandwiches. You never grab your... You never grabbed a sandwich with dick hands. No, no, I don't eat with pee on my hands.

I'm not saying that you rob your fucking hands and pee and then take your dick on purpose. I'm saying uncut consciously, you let a little fucking jrots. Jew pee on your finger, then you go eat a taco from Taco Bell and eat your own pee radioactively. What does Jew pee smell like? I don't fucking know. When was I had a Jew bat house? You know what I'm jumping up and down, listen to fucking Harry

Christmas music with a bunch of juice peeing on me? What do you think I am? I don't know. I'm a fucking Catholic. Get it together, cocksucker. I've never had pee on me. I pissed on a guy. You know what I'm saying? At a fucking disco one time, because he wanted one of those free cows. What the fuck? But this is a woman. Cut it out.

Yeah You're always so Fucking judgmental about That's woman I'm not judging She can pee on any what she wants Let's not me Let smoke some pot and talk about

Come here to this shit I don't want to talk about it I don't want to get peed on me I got the shit The Argentinian poke smoke When he took the job Just listen A little peering in your forehead

We'll rub it into the fucking head do And you're ready to go What the fuck I won't be ready to go I'll be stuck in a mental asylum Going back and forth Being like I don't like pee You told me a month ago

That you want to live You want to start living At times you feel like you're missing and shit, you're not going to a standard. Peeing is a living. It's a story. It's a story. I'd rather not have a story.

Sure. You want to be sitting around with your sons one day and they're talking about, Dad, what are you doing? I'm going to tell you one time. Me and my buddy, Joey Diaz, he got some fucking black chick to pee on my face. Wait, why isn't farting enough? I think farting's pretty good. Farting is, that's what they do in Europe. People take farts to the face. It's so nonchalant. But a little peater of chrome dome and we rub it in,

forget about it, Lee. Lee, what are you got? Put some fucking music Because I'm fucking believe what I gotta deal with. I gotta argue with a guy about, can you believe this shit? Oh shit. Oh shit, Lee. Where's the reef, Lee? You're holding that on me?

No, we didn't fucking smoke at all. You smoked it all. Wee, we. I smoked it all. It's the size of this fucking thing here. Take like two hits and... So anyway, Lee, we got a big weekend this week, and let's talk about this shit.

Okay. What's this weekend? All the fight. This is a good fucking... this weekend. Everybody knows everybody's waiting for this fight. I love GSP. I like everything about he is for the sport. He's an ambassador. He's great. He's a great athlete.

Diaz, on the other hand, is this fucking animal. I love it. I love it. I love it. And I'll tell you what. You have Carlos Conduit against Johnny Hendrix. Yeah, I'm mad Rory's out. That would have been a good fight. And you have, I think Rory would have his fucking hands full with Carlos Conduit. And you've got Nate Marquard against... Let me look it up.

Ellenberger. Jake Ellenberger, who's a great guy and has got great power in his hands. You know, I could sit here and give you picks. I'm not going to give you picks. I'm just going to give you fucking psychological shit here. What's going on? I mean, I'm watching Diaz and all his interviews. The interviews the last couple of weeks.

And I've got to say something. He's just a guy that wants to fight. Yeah. And you know what? Some of the shit he was saying, I understand because I go through it. I went through it. He's 29 years old. That's how I felt at 29 years old.

If I would have been a comic of 29 years old, I just want to get on stage. I didn't want to write. You're just a renegade. You're just a fucking renegade. Either you have that in your blood or you don't have that in your blood. He taunts you, he gets into you. Do I agree with it?

Yeah, I like all that shit. Yeah. I keep my mouth shut now because I'm a pussy. I keep my mouth shut, Lee, 90% of the times because I'm a pussy. Sometimes I let go on people, you know it. Yeah. But for the most part, I shut my mouth. my fucking mouth because I'm a pussy because I know that these people can't handle it.

In this town that we live in, Los Angeles, in this society we live in, even if somebody's fucking up and they know it and you call them, you're negative and you're a bad person. You can't say what the fuck you feel or whatever. Some people don't really want to hear the truth. You know, hey, listen, I've been around for 20 years. Nobody knows who I am. There's a lot of people who don't like me. And I like that you don't like me because it lets me know what the fuck you are.

I don't fucking like you either because I fucking know that you get bodies. and you like fake shit you don't want to face the fucking truth and I don't want you to fuck around me I don't give a fuck I really never ever worried about that you know I was on a plane yesterday it was funny I was in a plane

with this coach this boxing coach and the guys in the movie was behind me that worked on stunts behind me and at the end of the fucking flight some chick comes on like this Asian chick and yeah she was a six fake tits the whole walk

the big Diana Raw sunglasses thinking that she you know she did some so she sits behind me and she starts that fucking shit, that L.A. shit, that she's a fucking artist, that she travels to all these festivals, and, you know, she lives in L.A. and Northridge,

but she's thinking of buying a house, and Nola and, you know, New Orleans. Oh, okay. And she was headed to San Francisco to an artist thing because she's a performance artist, and she works this pole, like Circus DeSalle and all this. And I'm looking at this chick, and she's an actress. You know, she's been in this.

And while the way she's talking, looking at this bitch going, this bitch has a 60-year-old boyfriend that she's sucking his balls and he's paying for all these playing things. You just see it. They've been around those already that they talk a big game and they got some 60-year-old nuts that nobody would

touch and they're sucking their balls getting their rent paid. And I ain't mad at you for that because you're making it happen, but don't make believe you're fucking something else. So she's talking, talking, talking, and all of a sudden the guy next to me gets involved in the fucking conversation right? And he's talking and he knows what he feels what I feel.

This chick's a fucking stroke. And she looks at me and she goes, I know you from somewhere that's the typical shit. I'm like, how are you, my love? When I look her straight in the eye and I go, you know what? You're a fucking animal, aren't you?

A dog, it was like, it was like, I took her fucking money away. She just froze. I don't know what the fuck you were talking about, but we all know you're a fucking savage. I go, right? I go, you're so fucking, fucking. I go, that monkey's so fucking strong.

They're flying you in. And she just looked at me. And I go, you're Japanese? She goes, no, I'm Vietnamese. He's like, oh, with that fucking Napalm pussy. I told her right to her face, and that was the end of the conversation. She didn't say a word, the rest of the fucking flight. And the guy next to me was like, I love it.

He goes, that's why you get along with Justin Fortune, this Australian guy that's we're mutual friends. He goes, because you guys cut right through the fucking chase. Listen, if I had 500 in my pocket, I would have told Miss Vietnam to suck my dick right there in the fucking third row, and she would have fucking sucked it. That's the free she was. She's trying to be something else, a circus de Saleh. You know what?

to some fucking college kid that don't fucking know a frequently season. Fucking Mo Mo's making believe. I hate that word artist. I always have because, yeah, I write and do comedy, whatever. I'm no fucking artist. I'm a next fellow that talk shit. I'm no fucking artist. These people that call themselves fucking artist,

you better give yourself a fucking breather, all right? Take that picture of the pigeon you drove, looking at the moon and bring it over your head. You're no fucking artist, all right? The fuck out of here. I got a studio in Soho. Listen, listen, get your shit together, all right? Tell your dad to stop writing checks

What would you be doing? You'd be selling that little asshole On 40 second feet For $50 a pot And for an extra 10 they'd sniff it Get it together, cock sucker Stop faking the funk You fucking momos

It's America You bad motherfuckers Get up, it's Friday Lee Syatt's lost 52 fucking pounds For you motherfuckers at home I can't do it Lee Syed drinking fucking carrot juice and kale

Yeah, it's fucking I'd rather be in Isolation by myself Talking to the fucking and wall. After day five, it's not bad. After it's a tough first five days, but then now I'm fine. I love you, Lee, and I'm very proud of you.

Thank you, buddy. I love you, too, and we've got a call, the man. Oh, shit. What's up, buddy? It's my little brother, Gregi. What's happening, buddy? Not a whole lot. We're making a cup of green tea. All right, look at you. You don't drink the coffee? You just drink the green tea? Well, you know, I I got to stay away from the coffee.

The blood pressure is a little high. So when you drink coffee, it raises your blood pressure? That's what the doctor's telling me. Really? He's saying everything right now. He's no good. No salt. No coffee.

You know, my blood pressure has been off the chain the last three months. And even though I go to the acupuncture, I take the medication. I do everything for it. I try to exercise. I didn't know the coffee was because I like my coffee in the morning. But I just drink one cup. It's not like I'm drinking fucking 92. cups. I don't have it every day, but

my daughter drinks a lot of tea, and I'm on the medication pill, but it was helping in the beginning, and now it's not help, and I've got to go back next week and see what the hell is going on. No, I'm scared of it, but I'm not, you know, I'm Latin, so my blood

pressure is always running fucking high since I was a kid. You know when I first got diagnosed with blood pressure when I went to the can? When I got locked up, that's the first time I ever heard about blood pressure, put me on something in there and whatever, but it wasn't really high. Now I'm like after one fucking 80s over 120s, but I also have white collar, whatever the fuck. So once they take my blood pressure, you wait 20 minutes in the doctor's office,

and once I get talking, they check my blood pressure, and I'm fucking back to like 140 over 90 or something. So how you doing, Gregi? What's going on? Not a whole lot. My daughter just, my youngest just left for school. How old is she? She'll be 18 in like two weeks. Okay.

Yeah, she's a senior in high school. She's graduating. And then my oldest, I told you, is graduating USC in May. You know, I've known Greg for 40 years. You know, we grew up together. He's cousins to another caller on the show, Danny B. That's how tight we are. Well, that much connected in this town.

And Greg invited me to his daughter's graduate. She's graduating from USC with double majors, and he's very proud, and he should be. But it was funny. Greg and I were talking last night in the middle of conversation. He says he wanted to call and do the podcast, and I go call tomorrow because we're going to talk about something. I knew Greg 35 years ago. 35 years ago right now, I was just bringing you back to the base in the Bronx with three other guerrillas in the car doing our last line. Remember that?

Before we dropped you off? And did you ever think that at that time there was any way that we would be having this conversation? conversation 30 years from now? No. No, not at all. Do you think when I was in that car 30 years ago, I'd be saying to you, do you think 30 years ago when you were getting out of that car, I'd be saying to you, hey, man, after this line, I'm going to get it together and I'm going to have a movie and shoot a movie with De Niro in 30 years.

Did you ever think that? That's where I was, you know, Greg. I was in New Orleans. I played De Niro's boxing coach. Did you know that, Greg? I thought he was down there doing a couple of shows. I didn't know you were doing it. No, I did a couple shows, but I did a movie.

called Grudge Match with Sylvester Stallone, Robert De Niro, L.L. Cool, Jay, Kevin Hart. And you know what? I'm very proud because I worked at the two best guineas ever. Now I just got to get Al Pacino in there, and I worked with the fucking trio. Now I got to start working with the Jews again. I got to start working with the Jews again. I got Sanla, Alan Arkin. Now I got to get some other people. But 30 years ago, I didn't think I was going to say, as we did that, you know, when you do Coke, you talk all that garbage, man.

Yeah. After tonight, I'm never going to do it again. I'm going to go to acting class, and I'm going to do something in my life. I never said that to you. I never said that to you. I told you I was probably going to get my life together and move to Colorado, but it's just really weird

we're in our lives right now, what we're doing and where we were. And I want you to tell these people that we had belief, brother. Yeah, I'm so excited for you. I'm telling you, I am. I love telling people. Hey, I went to school with that guy.

It's like when I went to see up in Ontario all night, I found those two nice ladies out there. and uh you always find nice ladies yeah yeah 50 years old I still got it he still got it

but uh I was like hey you want to you guys want to go to the show I know the guy I went to school and I'm like shut off I'm like no come on and then uh you call me and we went in the back door I would have taken them home

but they're my daughter's age felt like a dirty old bastard oh you are dirty old bastard but it's just weird the things we saw Greg did you ever I mean Greg I got a be honest to you, after I got off the phone with you, I started thinking at that time,

if I would have killed myself with blow, I think I would have been happy. I got to be honest with you, at that time in my life, and we were doing that, we're talking about 84, 83, 85, when cocaine was still cocaine, and I had that fucking pain from my mother and the pain of not knowing, not knowing, you're 20 years old, and we didn't know, we didn't know what our next fucking step was, and I thought about after I got off the phone. A lot of us got really caught up in it bad was because of some type of pain in our lives that was just buried.

So that was our escape, you know, getting all banged up. But fucking all of us. I mean, you know, Conti always had that pain about his dad leaving. Yep. You know, Fernie. I mean, it was just a Holloway, you know, it was just so many of us that were involved in that. And I tell you, man, at that time,

it was like I was just snorting to die. Like, I thought I would have no dad. and just die, and that would be the end of it. I'd be with my mother and father, and never have to worry about it. I never thought about 30 years. I never thought about being in a union. I mean, after you got out of all that,

did you have belief, Greg? I mean, what kept you going? Why aren't you snoring coke today? Why aren't we snoring coke with tattoos on, telling stories to 8 in the morning? Why aren't we doing that today? You know, I just got sick of it. I mean, I didn't need any rehab

or anything like that. It was actually when my ex-wife was pregnant with my first daughter, and I was out on a binge for a few days. And then I just looked at myself in the mirror, and I said, what the fuck am I doing? I got a kid coming into this world. I was like, that's when I stopped being irresponsible when she was probably about six months pregnant.

And then it was after that. I looked in the mirror, and I just said, I'm done. And that was it. And I never went back. Never. Never, not once. No rehab, no hugs, no meetings, no bongo drums. No fucking people crying. You just made a decision and you stuck to it.

Exactly. It's so weird, man. When I fucking make it, you know, they say that people from northern Italy have hardheads. Germans have hard heads. Let me tell you something. When I make a fucking decision, it's done. There ain't no fucking coming back, a la-la-lil-in. And it's just amazing that you talk to people.

I talk to people now that I've been in rehab eight times, and they're still drinking. My friend called me the other day, three in the afternoon, New Orleans time, which is 1 o'clock L.A. time. Hammett! Hamid! Meanwhile, she's in an outpatient program. I don't get it. I don't get it. You know, the rehabs are a bunch of shit, dude.

They don't even work. There's less than a 5% success rate with the rehabs. You know, it's all about, they fuck what you had. They tell you you have this disease, and you have it for the rest of your life. And it's bullshit. There's no disease concept. You know, you wake up, you make a fucking choice every day. You either going to make a choice, I'm going to get loaded, or I'm not.

You know? I'm going to suck dick, or I'm going to get my dick sucked. That's all it is to me. No, hey, listen, man, I went to a rehab when I was in prison. When they had me in the halfway house, I was still selling blow. And I talked them into fucking. putting me in an outpatient, which I was selling blow and getting my dick sucked at the outpatient. The girl's name was Patrice Twining.

And I would look at her and she would look at me and we'd go outside and she'd suck my dick and we'd go right back into the group meeting. She'd have that sperm breath and we'd talk about whatever the fuck pain she had in the heart with that sperm breath. And it was a joke to me. It was a fucking, all that shit was a joke to me. When I divorced my wife, they made me take P test. I got to the fucking guy who got P test and said, listen, test me for everything except blow and and he went for it I would you know it never ended eight balls looking on the counters when I was emboldened my drug disease was horrible and I took it to

Seattle and then once I came here hit an all-time fucking high and I couldn't wait to do comedy and get the fuck out of it it was like I had a firecracker in my ass I would get on stage and right from the stage go to the car I would stop by the fucking dude's house and right to the house to snort and that was my life and it was like in the back every time you do it it seemed like, yeah, I want to fucking die. That's what it is. You want to die. You're putting yourself in that death range. So,

I don't know, Greg. We're lucky to fucking be here, my friend. Yes, we are. So many cult stories we could tell. I mean, I could tell you, you probably got a lot more than I do, but so many, so many. And when you say we're lucky to be alive, you're not kidding, dude. You really are not kidding. And if it

wasn't the blow that was going to kill us, it was the lifestyle we were living. You know, we could have got shots. They had anything, you know. I remember robbing a guy in West New York. My fans over on Amsterdam Avenue, bro. I remember jumping the room.

It was when the fucking DEA stormed one of the crack houses. I was in with the Angelo and Chris Costa. We were getting a quarter-round. And they just fucking stormed in the fucking building. And we went up to the roof and just started hopping the roofs. And we made it out of that, believe it or not. No, no. One of many stories.

I told this on stage at the Testicle Testament, the story about Gabi Lan, my godfather, who I fronted two ounces, four ounces, six ounces of blow on Halloween night and took at the Askalise's basement. And we did, I snorted to a fucking Wednesday, Greg, from Saturday to like Wednesday. I was in a hotel room just sleeping for fucking two days. And I finally got up to TikTok on Tunley Avenue, that tip top with the jacuzzi at the Hindu zoned. And I walked up that hill. and he started chasing me with a motorcycle and I had to go through the bushes and our lady of Fatima

and the rose bushes out there and I ripped all my skin up and I went to hashways and they came in the hashways to get me this guy and he was yelling and screaming he was crazy Cuban guy and he told me he was going to shoot me

and then Pete Leeb called me one day like three months days like dog I was at a party and there were these cute yeah this is three months later I was going to ask you about him last night Pete Lebe or Miley McGuire no man I had to

stop talking to them. Harry Vigiano, Alan Stiglitz, any of those guys. Well, this is what happened. I was very tight with Pete Leeb, and I got into work for Hashways. I borrowed $200 from Marilyn McGuire from my daughter. She was my original daughter's godmother, Marilyn McGuire, and Pete Leeb. Did you know that? They were Jacqueline's godparents. They came out the Boulder, baptized the child. We were always friends. And when I was in a hole, I asked Marilyn for $200 bucks.

Like February of 90, I asked her for $1,000. I asked her for $1,000. 200 bucks. February of 92, I asked her for 200 bucks for the baby. She goes, do you need anything for the party? I go, if you could send 200 so I could cater to the party for the baby, it'd be fine. She was the godmother. Then in 94, when I was working on Hashways doing comedy, when I went back to Jersey, she approached him one day, and she goes, you still owe me $200 from the whatever. And I was like, I thought it was a gift. And I paid the money. I didn't say none. Then when I got into the Beeffoot Hashway, they took Hashway side and called my ex-wife and said I was snorting Coke. So I never talked to them again.

ever again. The Perry Vigiano story. Let me tell you something about that fucking douchebag. I always hated him when we were kids. Me and Ronnie were talking about, you know, Ronnie called the podcast about a month ago. Which one, Steve or Mike? Mike. I've had Mike call. Steve is retired. I'm trying to get him out here to do set security. But one night, Perry got into a fucking fight out here. Perry got into a fight at Hudson County Park with some guy Rocco that owned Rocky, that owned a diner in Fairview by Hudson County Park one night.

And the guy beat the shit out of him, and it was over that girl. Peggy asked if it was over his girlfriend. And he started that girl. And he wanted me to jump in against this guy. And I'm all fucked up. And I'm like, I'm not jumping. This is your beef. So he told people I was a pushing.

I always got pissed off about that. I'm like, I was going to fight for you, Perry, you fucking piece of shit. He was like a rich kid. His dad was a gangster. And he started selling Blow in 84. And one night he saw me some blow and it was fucking cut. You know, like really bad? Like, you know when you did Blow in 84, it was fucking tremendous.

were doing. It was all I announced at all. And I told him and he told me to fuck off. So I robbed them. You know, in those days, if you told me to fuck off and you were a drug dealer, I went over there in the morning. You know, his aunt lived in the house. Well, she was like sick and she lived in the house. I walked in the house with the aunt there. That's how light-footed I was. Went all the way to the attic, took like an eight-ball or a half-ounce of he had and walked out. Yeah, he lived up in the attic. He lived in the attic. In about an hour late, I went, I did it bright because it was right down the corner from Hashway. So I stole his blow. He had cash there. I walked up to the hashways.

I told Hashway I was broke. I needed money to go home. That was the setup right there, because that's where Perry would go first. He would go there looking for me to ask if I was around. So I went to Hashways and borrowed money. That was a psychology. I got on the fuck, and I had a ride home.

I lived on 43rd Street, then Bison Sulo and George Ketter in those guys downtown. Yeah, and... Helene Petter just passed away, bro. Who did? George's sister, Helene. What did she die of? I don't know. She went to the hospital like a week ago, and then she passed away.

You know who told me? Gary Valanix told me. Bro, that's where. You know, I used to date Helene Ketter. Yeah, today is the wake at Rivera. At Rivera. At Rivera funeral home in North Bergen. That's where they had my mother, Rivera funeral home.

Why was she, why is she at the spick fucking funeral, Paula? Yeah, everybody goes to the marriage. I didn't. That's what George put out on the Facebook. Oh my God, I feel so bad I dated her in the 8th grade That's who That's the first girl that gave me 11

When my mother died She came over the house that week We were tight, me and Helene Ketter She was beautiful She had blue eyes But she was troubled And she started doing drugs And when I last saw

She didn't look good at all Like 20 years ago She had gone from A to C And I talked her on Facebook And you know She was still friendly to me and stuff I'm really sad I'm not to send

George Ketter Was a good fucking dude We played a lot of basketball together. The basketball player. So fucking Perry, I take the A ball and I give some to Ronnie, so I got protection, right? Right off the bag of a run, because Ronnie hated Perry Vigiano. He beat him up once in 51st Street Park. So I waited for Perry by my house.

I left the window open, and Perry, I heard the motorcycle pull up. And it was like I had his, I knew exactly how he thought. He was such a fucking moron. And he went to my house, and I left the window open. He stuck his foot in, right, Greg? and when he put his head into the window when his head popped up I came up and I punched him right in the fucking face

and he's like you're going up to see my aunt she's going to let me know if you were the one that robbed my house she said she saw you from behind and when I went up there the aunt goes no it wasn't him so till this day Perry and I don't give a fuck I'll say in the podcast what's he going to do beat me up I'll fucking stab him the neckline what's he going to fucking do to me I don't know

fucking douchebag that he was he was a fucking cock-sucker then he's probably a cuck-sucker now Greg, we had a lot of fucking good times and shit, man. And at least we're still living. I mean, Kurt D. Lorenzo is fucking, you know, he's got one foot in the grave, one of a banana peel. Half of those guys down there in Miami had done. And I'm really proud of you, Greg.

That's what he was doing about it. Bigger sent me a text a while back. And he said, I guess you had done a show there. It was a while ago. Not the one that you just did, but he said that he went to see. and had a good time. He's doing better now. That's what he told me in a text message.

Well, he's not doing heroin, you know. He's eating pills and he's drinking. I mean, when you see Kurt, it's like a life thrown away. When you see Kurt DeLorenzo, you understand how lucky you are. Because when we were kids, Kurt was the best-looking kid around. He was in shape. He had money. He had a family.

He was like fucking all rocked out. He was such in good shape. And, you know, one of the best wrestlers in the high school. And, you know, he was so, like, he would. another fuck around. You couldn't even get it to drink of beer. And if you see him now, you can't even believe his Kurt. Last time I saw him in the 90s, 9. So I heard if the fucking wind blows, he'll fall over.

You can't even believe it. When I went to his house, I could not believe. This kid used to be the cleanest kid in the world. He didn't have a shower, Kurt. He didn't have a kitchen. He had sold all the appliances out of the kitchen. All it was was a refrigerator and beer bottles. It's, uh, so, listen, man, I had you call in today just to show where we started and where we got to. Because we're fucking lucky, Greg.

We're fucking lucky, man. You know that guy that used to own Joe and Marys was a loan shark, a big-time mob loan shark with another friend of ours. I owed that guy like $40,000. Oh, George? Yeah, George of the Jungle. Yeah.

He used to give me loans and a check, and I would have to take him to a certain bank, cash him, and the bank guy would take his piece out. This is how connected George of the Jungle fucking was. So if he'd give me a check for $500, I get $450 because the guy at the bank would take his $50 off the top of cash and the check for you. At the bank, he's supposed to cash. And I had to pay $750 on the $5.

I had to pay $750 on $5. You know how many times I went to him and said, listen, Greg Schmidt got Tasia pregnant and she needs an abortion, and she's ashamed to borrow the $500. Let me the five, give me a commission, and I'll give it to Tage under my name. And he would keep giving it to me. Me and Conti had George at like maybe $25,000 apiece. I remember a cop coming in there one night

I think you were there one night for John Kelly's birthday and one of those and an undercover cop came in and he flashed his badge they bought us an ice cream cake but there was eight balls of coke so nobody was eating

at the end of the night the ice cream cake was fucking melted nobody had touched it I remember she had the dog Lila we used to piss on the dog Ronnie was there that night Ronnie was there everybody was fucking there and this cop came in and he got all

fucking crazy and he got all fucking crazy and he like fucking tongue kiss me that night. Let me tell you something. I seen Ronnie throw a beer bottle one night at the Bousamantes and a bunch of people in there one night. It was fucking classic.

He ripped up his sheet. I seen some great shit go down in there, but this one night I see an undercover cop flash fucking George. And George goes, let me see the badge and what your name is on it. And the guy put it close in bed. George spit on the fucking badge.

He goes, you better go back to your priest and ask around who the fuck you're showing a badge than walked on the guy. I saw it. You know who fucking one time I was leaving Joe and Mary's And, you know, we went to school with this guy, and he wound up staying on the force. Remember John Sanford? John, no.

John Sanford? No, I don't. He came a cop with Bobby Dender, Joey Rayo, and all of them, and Canella. No. Yeah, he was in my fucking home. No, I don't remember him at all. I remember the other guys. We were just talking about the Rayo brothers.

Yeah. But, yeah, I was coming out of Joe and Mary's one point. and he like fucking started harassing me and shit. Like fucking did like a little pat-down and a search. And I'm like, John, really? Come on, bro. All of a sudden you're a cop now and you fucking... You know, anyway, he kind of let me go and he said,

you better watch it because this place is going down. That place never went down. The place is still there. It's a Spanish place now, Jose and Marie's. Used to be Joan Marries, now it's Jose and Marias. Coastalican or Guatemalan. And it used to be next to one of the chicken joints, John Cowan used to work in there

he'd bring buckets of fucking chickens That's right Was the best bar in the world Do you remember the fucking undercover cop That started going up there And giving us blow And he would take us back to his house And show us the jewelry

He was looking for us to rob him And like a year later Somebody killed him So they started hanging out of Joe Marys Because they thought they killed him there And that's when I left That's basically when I left This black guy

That would take us up to Fort Lee I think I was already done You already gone? I left in 87 Oh I left in 80s and then came back in 80. I left in 83, came back in 84, kept the party alive until New Year's,

and then left in June of 85. And the last day I left, I was leaving a People's Express, and I took a bus to White Castle, and I was going to take a bus from White Castle to Jersey City to Roger Holloway. It was taking me to the airport. And as I was standing right, this is how lucky I am to be alive.

I'm standing by the White Castle and Gabby, the guy I fronted to fucking Coke from, a year early, October for Halloween. That threatened to kill me. That Pete Lee told me that some people were talking on the party. There's some Cuban guys looking for Coco. That was the Cuban guy. I'm standing there on the corner waiting for the bus,

and this motorcycle pulls up next to him, and he flashes his face up. And he goes, you never gave me that fucking money, did you? And it was my godfather. And he goes, the next time I see you, I'm going to put a bullet in your fucking leg. And I thought he went home to get the gun right there because I had luggage. I figured he knew I had time. I had luggage next to me. I was leaving.

I was going back to Colorado, and I was never fucking coming back. but Greg I'm happy you call thing I'm very proud of you and I'm very proud of you bro I love you at all my fucking heart and I'm happy you you have two daughters

and everything changed for you and here we are I'll actually be in North Bergen on the we're leaving just me and my oldest we're going for a week we'll be there on the 4th of May

I'm going to go visit Danny D and see some family just to hit these motherfuckings some things. The new president of the CIA is from North Bergen. Grew up in North Bergen, went to school at St. Joe's of West New York. William Freach, who was the investigator on the

Penn State thing, who was also in charge of the FBI, is also from North Bergen, also went to St. Joe's of West New York. So not all bad... My father went to St. Joe's and West... You know my father... ...from St. Joe's... Oh, please. St. Joe's is the spot... You know what my father got thrown out of high school for? What's that?

Dealing condoms, bro. This was in the 50s. He was a condom dealer. He was selling condoms in fucking high school and Catholic high school and they expelled him. We want to get a piece of pussy in that. We got to call Greg's father. I love you, cocksucker. Give Jay Moore a hug.

I will. I will. And I'll see you before the 17th minute. I'm proud of you. Stay black. All right, Coco. Love you, buddy. I love you, buddy.

All right, bye-bye. That's a crazy motherfucker. I'm very sad about that Helene Cannon Girl. See, that's what I'm saying. That's crazy. two years younger than me, three years younger than me. I met her at John Bender's pool, and we were always tight with each other.

We always kissed and shit like that. She was quite the whatever. Unbelievable. Good podcast today. I'm happy you were part of it today. It's great to be back here and be with you people. Monday, we go back to the same rotation Monday and Wednesday. I'm in Sacramento next Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Get your motherfucking tickets.

Miami, April 19th. The Ice House Chronicles Live Ice House Testicle Testament is Lee, myself, and Vinny Curdo a live podcast. And remember what I told you. Just because it's March 15th, like me, I'm starting today. Today I'm going to kickboxing, water, I'm back. That's it, it's over.

But it's never too late. Go to On it. You want to lose some weight. You want to keep fucking your bones in shape, your fat fuck. Get the hemp protein. Start off with that. Start off light.

Just start off with the strong bone. Give that three weeks. And just walk around for three weeks. If it don't work, say, Joey, you're a sack of shit. But it's going to work. You're going to, feel better about yourself. Get out there, walk, breathe.

It's beautiful. I know it's cold, Joe. Get the fuck out there, cock suckers. Hit me with some music. I love you, man. Thank you very much for supporting the fucking podcast. All my fucking shoutouts. I love you, motherfuckers.

New Orleans, you were gentlemen's. Dan, fucking chef Rob. I love you, Nola. Jake, I'll catch you down there next time. Not that I was avoiding you guys. It's just I was shooting a movie and nobody knew what the fucking hours were. But I love you guys.

Lee, keep juicing. You're looking good. You're healthy. I'm proud of you, cocksucker. You're stuck to it. And that's what it's all about it. We talked about it. I put the same fucking videos up,

but I do it every day. Little commitments become big commitments. Get out there. Tell somebody to suck your dick today. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Stay black. Hit it, Lee. Since I've been loving you,

my life's even changed. God's a sucker. Hit it.