The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 03/18/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #63

Episode Date: March 19, 2013

Comedian and Joey's friend Josh Wolf calls back into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Streamed live on 03/18/2013.

Oh shit. Monday, March 18th. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. It's a beautiful world. You just happen to be in it, you bad motherfuckers. Get up, salute the flag. Wash your balls. Wash your pussy.

You don't want to lock there with fucking mildew in your asshole. It's the day after St. Paddy's motherfuckers. Little almond brothers for you guys here. Lee Syatt. Now, kick that shit, Lee. Oh, shit. I don't know why just all my money

Are you fucking kidding me We're opening up with the almonds today That means you gotta get up Wash your ass and fucking what And polish the fucking gun Because it's going down today When you open up with the almond brothers It's that type of fucking day

Somebody's getting fucking strangled here Listen to these motherfuckers 1970 Are you kidding me or what Six white guys and a black fucking drummer Black people aren't even drinking out of fucking water faucets and they're over there banging out with the almond brothers. Check yourself.

Hit that shit. Oh shit. What's happening, baby? What's going on, you beautiful motherfucker? Now much, man, I haven't heard you this into a band for a while. It came over and you were, like, dancing almost. Let me tell you what happened to me yesterday. Yesterday, the day before Saturday, I got this on the iPod in the living room,

which is the old-fashioned iPod, but I don't take it out of the house unless I go to the gym when I fly with it, so if I lose it, I don't give a fuck. I got some brilliant songs on that. I had a buddy might put a bunch of it. put a bunch of fucking heavy heavy duty music one of the songs was whipping post i'm sitting there with my fucking daughter and it's blasting because i had the remote and i couldn't find it and i'll tell you what my daughter was passing out by the minute and i'm listening to this singing this to her a whipping post and i'm like this is off this bit bitch is bad to the bone how lullaby is it'll be fucking

whipping post but i'm sitting there and i got overwhelmed i'm like i can't believe i'm holding my daughter to whipping post. And he's just dropping it. But put that back where we left it off. Listen to fucking Greg. Greg Dwayne, I mean, these guys,

this is real, fucking white, fucking pride. Listen to this fucking guitar. God damn it. These motherfucking kids forgot about this shit. This is white,

fucking pride. Before you shave your head and put a swat stick on your fucking head like a fucking momo, listen to this shit. And this will make you fucking realize what the fuck is really

crack collection this country motherfuckers put that guitar on little dicky betts and fucking six in the month listen to this guy's fucking soul are you kidding me you'll leave me here with an orphan's fucking bazook of death here listen to this guy's fucking passion are you kidding me you want to go listen to Chris Brown and this fucking stupidity listen to this motherfucker You can feel his fucking soul cossuckers. This is what I'm trying to say to you. But these people ain't got soul like this.

Don't hang with it. Why are you wasting your time with these fucking Momo soulless with a pair of glasses on trying to be intellectual? You think Dwayne fucking Orman had fucking glasses on? Or Greg Orman? To the whipping puff. Tide to... I'm gonna have to go shoot some heroin.

Come back to that how I'm fucking feeling. You know what I'm saying? This is what happens when you get seven and a half hours of sleep. Oh, Jesus. I haven't cough like that for a while. This shit is so fucking good. I've had this drawing since I left the fucking New Orleans. I came back and still sticky.

I can't roll a fucking number. This is grown by these fucking Hawaiians that have like blue eyes. It looks like Apocalypse until they kill the grandmother and she's buried the back yard. This is some fucking tremendous weed. I wish I could share it with you motherfuckers, but I can't. It's a beautiful day to be alive the day after St. Paddy's all you, fucking momos I got dressed in green get the fuck out of here

the only thing you're doing with those people sign them blow so they fucking can make their final frontier that's what I would get excited about St. Paddy's why? Because I'd be selling fucking 40s for 50 wait beer or you or blow

oh okay I think what do you think makes them drink that fucking beer but why isn't me I show up with a fucking package of salt and they do two lines that shit it's over over they'll be drinking till fucking six no more let me tell you I want to have to one same patty as I knew it wasn't for me. Why not?

Listen, I've never liked fucking drunk people, right? Ever since my mother had the fucking bar, I don't need people breathing on my neck and fucking balk their breath with poop off on their breath and my fucking eyebrows are burning on fire. I don't eat that shit.

And they hug you and they tell you the same shit. I don't want to hear that shit. When I get like that, it's time to fucking go home. So I never like that whole thing. I don't like that whole booze thing. If you drink, I don't give a fuck, I smoke dope, I do hair, you know me. Gorilla Biscuits, I stab bitches,

Drop him off to 170. Yeah, it was a... Like I've told you, like, sometimes I feel like I'm missing out. Yesterday, I wasn't one of it. Like, I drove by an Irish pub yesterday. That is normally dead. Like, there's, like, cobwebs in the windows. But yesterday, there was a line on the block.

And that's... I'd much rather drink at home with friends than go to a bar. One year, I got talked into taking a bus and going into the city and there with a bunch of people and stopping out every bar. You know what, man, it ain't for me. I like my refa and I like being peaceful. I never really like going out there's a bunch of a fucking pack like 12

fucking animals. The more guys are less pussy. The more fucking idiots you go out solo and you're depressed like James Dean. Why think James Dean got so much pussy? He got by himself depressed. Always with his head down, thinking like he was going to kill himself. Chicks love that shit. Anyway, it's Monday. It's a beautiful day to be alive.

I hope you get in your fucking day. Start a tremendous weekend. It was great to be home. I didn't do dick. I went to the Laugh Factory. Watch the fights. The fights? What do you think of the fights? I love the Carlyle of the Condit, Hendricks?

Always a great fight, Carlos Conduit, always. Yeah, that was great. I liked him more than I did the last two fights because versus GSP he didn't do that great. And Diaz, I didn't like it versus Diaz, like I've already said. But I said, I wish Dana White and the UFC would do something. I was talking to my friends. And if they would let, like, the last three fights of the pay-per-view for, like, 20 bucks I would do that every time I'm never gonna pay 60 bucks for the whole thing

because the rest of it was kind of crappy well there was three great fights on the on the main card there was like two in the preliminary card and there was one on the other card you know listen when GSP's on the card they focus on GSP yeah they know the strength of GSP they could put two fluff and and the neck ring fight was good and the other one was good but it's funny I was telling Eddie and those guys and you've seen it we discussed you came to see me in Bray a couple weeks ago yeah and the Saturday night late show I wasn't happy with my set. People laughed and they probably had a good time, but you and I

have seen me do better. Yeah. And I left there and I was like, I could have done better, and I went all my notes, and it was my energy, whatever. It's funny. You could see it in GSP's face. He had the same thing. He knew.

He knew. Let me tell you something. If Diaz had one more minute in that third round, when he opened them up, he would have knocked them down. He knew, and he knew it. He knew it, and he knows he's got to do something about that. He knew.

There seems to be one thing. And when Diaz fights, the last few fights that have seen him, that he, everyone's like, oh, he had only done that. Why does it seem like he's never really fully prepared? Who's that? Who's that? It's not. It's not the same guy that comes out into those punches. I mean, the last time he fought that really looked really, really effective was against BJ Penn.

And my, you know, Carlos, you know, outmaneuven him, outsmarted him. Listen, man, a lot of people don't like that style of fighting. I like Anderson, Sylve, when he says, I like to come home. home and the way I left. I want my face. I don't want my kids to see me cut up. Yeah. So, uh, a lucidness. It's not about getting the ring and bang it up. It's about smart and the fucking other guy.

At the end of the day, it's about who's going to go home with the less fucking scratches and punches and win this fucking thing. Yeah. Sometimes, and Carlos gives you exciting fights, but he fights very smart Carlos. Yeah. He's a great fight. I've been a fan of his since the fucking W.E.C. I love Carlos Condo. No two ways about it. Always have, always will.

Big fan of Greg Jackson's camp and his basically because of him and Winkle John love him. Nothing about him do I not love? No, I asked this with the question the other night and I know the answer is no but just the first thing that I thought of when I saw him lose was are they going to cut him because they cut all the people?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So what? He fought two world class fighters and he's lost by fucking pussy hairs. Okay. He has not lost by, you know, gone in there and just not improving. Every time you, listen, like I told you a thousand times, I don't know, has helped my comedy because I broke my comedy down

into sections now, like MMA, and I have to work on each of them individually. Okay. And that's what M. And when you, you know, it's like when you watch a fighter and you haven't seen him in six months and he's like, man, my punch, I've gotten better and you watch it. And he's running out of cardio in the second

fucking round. You get disgusted about paying that 44 fucking dollars. Yeah. You really do get fucking disgusted because this guy hasn't improved. He hasn't done anything to make his, you know, I was just listening to something on Ray, my wife has the satellite like you have. Okay.

And the new car. And my fucking Subaru, I just have stations. And I was listening to the station. And the guy was talking about improving himself. How Kodak set the bar in photography. And they're out of business now. Yeah. Because they never improved themselves.

You know, Kmart never improved themselves. He named eight companies. He said he bought the fucking iPhone and he threw it away. Because he went to Verizon. They got the Samsung. some galaxy probably he says it's fucking amazing it's easier to handle and he goes you'll see in three years if apple don't get it together because now they're running on

fumes now I don't know the technology no it makes sense my my iPhone I've had it for about a year and a half and it's it's starting to shit the bed so it's uh that's what everyone says I have guys they make them too fucking fast and we as a society let me tell you I got an iPod on my fucking thing that I'm embarrassed to take out of the house it's the size of this computer I'm one of those iPods that are fucking huge I can't throw it away

I take care of it it's falling on the floor It lost 100 pounds with me At the fucking Y It lost and I have friends that said to me Throw that away It's gonna fall and music's gonna go bad Not today it is it I got a camera Joe Rogan bought me in Philly

Six years ago A digital camera that I still takes pictures That if I really wanted to use it I could use it It's weird that they've outdated the software Oh of course yeah And you're like why Did you update this to make you spend more money

We live in a society that they want you to spend more money and they want you to throw away your shit when it's still fucking perfectly fucking new. Perfectly fucking new. That iPod I have is big, but it sounds fucking great. And the fuck in the living room, I have one of those things that you pull it in and it charges it, but it's speakers. Yeah, speakers are amazing. Leave the speaker sound in there's amazing. I got it from that play sharper image.

Okay, yeah. Fucking amazing. Five years ago, three, I don't even know when the fuck I got it. They probably, at the beginning, had to make them good so people would get hooked, because I bet now if I bought an iPod, now it would never last as long as the one that you have has. Come on. I mean, I could be wrong, but...

This is what I'm saying. I don't know how to fucking people are happy with all this shit. When I have something, I'm an only child. When I was a kid and my parents were raising me, I was spoiled. So I would leave shit out in the fucking corner. I would do this. When my mother died and I had to fucking work from my shit, and when I spent 200-down something,

and it was my fucking thing, I take care of that fucking thing. Yeah. I take care of that fucking thing. And some people laugh at me, like, Joey, you're cheap, whatever. No, I'm not cheap. This is perfectly fucking good.

Yeah. If you buy into this phone shit every eight months, they're gonna fuck you up the ass. You know, there's sometimes, you're like, you know what, I got what it takes already. This camera works, but if you're telling me

they're making the shit cheap from the start, that pisses me to fuck off. Yeah. It's kind of like the town I grew up and kids would get cars from their parents all the time. Like, they like BMWs, like nice cars. and I bought my first car

It was a shit It was a 97 shitty Chevrolet Cavalier And like the hood was like The paint was coming off And the fucking door wouldn't open All the time But I never got in one accident Or had one ticket when I was in high school

And kids And kids who had parents Give them their cars Were crashing and getting They don't appreciate fucking shit It's amazing When I was a kid And I was spoiled

I didn't appreciate nothing I used to rip my shirts and shit Once I had to start paying for shit When I was 15 and 16 Now I should I make my face shit last. I got a TV I won't throw away. My wife is furious

at me because when we met, we had a shitty TV. And I did this gig one night and it was like the first time. I ever got over like $200 fucking dollars. And I go, Terry, let's stop at Kmartin. One of those northern towns and I buy a TV. And we bought this $200 TV

that, till this day, you got to see the picture on this fucking thing. It's in my closet and she's like, Terry, you got to get rid of that. Fuck you. I'm saving this for like a man cave or whatever. when we move, you know, it's one of those TVs that you don't give a fuck what happens to. It's got another year or two left on it. Once it blows, it blows.

I'm not just going to put it out in the fucking street just because, you know, society says that every year and a half, I can't believe it. I really can't believe how people react to the fucking iPhone. I finally got it. I know. I got the five from Sprint because they kept sending me fucking emails that they were putting bonuses on my thing. I was like a year over on my phone. Oh, okay. Every year they give you 75 bucks credit or something towards a phone.

I had like a $190 credit. I've been with Sprint for 10 years. Oh, cool. Since 2004. Joe and those people are right. I held on for the pager until 2004. Jesus Christ. Whenever Spider-Man 2 came out,

whenever I shot Spider-Man 2, 2003. I've been with Sprint since 2000-Fucking-3. Because I remember I took that check and I went and I bought a fucking Sprint. I owed money and my credit was bad, but they still gave me a phone, but they only gave me a two-hour limit every month. Oh, okay. So if my phone would be $201, they'd cut it off.

I'd have to stop what I was doing, go to fucking sprint and pay the dollar and change for them to turn it back on. Oh, geez. You have no fucking ideal. What's the music today, Lee? Little I want to be around, it's Monday. Get up, get out there, do your goals.

It's a whole new fucking week. You want to quit smoking cigarettes. You want to stop taking it in the ass. It starts fucking today. Write your goals. Go to Onet.com. See how you can start looking better and feeling better. Drink some fucking water.

Look at Lee. But what? I want to be around Lee. It's Monday for the fucking spirits out there, for your mother, for your farm. Whoever the fuck light a can on think about him. Here you go, cocksucker. I can't like this fucking roach.

It's too sticky. This is the worst weed in the morning. Oh shit. Like Uncle Joey wants to be around for you motherfuckers. Oh shit. Look at this fucking monster of a roach. This thing would kill a roach. Like, if I put a roach in a room together, we'd wake up and there'd be blood everywhere.

And this roach would win this shit. Lee Syatt looking good, ladies and gentlemen. I'm trying, buddy. Yeah, Tuesday will be a month on it, so I'm excited about that. Wait. Why are you lowering the music? I'm getting into trying to spark this fucking roachie. You're going to burn your fingernail again?

I don't give a fuck. You understand me? The finger there ain't go to the fucking. a manicure. I got a little Korean lady. She bumps it out. And I'm back in business, right? You don't fucking lose the rose.

This thing was so sticky before the roach went on fire and it stuck to my finger. Jesus. I got a blister. I can't type for a week. But who gives a fuck? I held on to it like a soldier. You know what I'm saying? There would have been a fucking storm.

Yeah? Like, I'm out in the boat. Like, when I came from Cuba on the raft, if I would have fallen off and shit, I would have been smoking this. I would just pop my hand up and it was stuck to my fucking hand. Look at that. No one to... Jesus Christ.

We don't fuck around here at the church of what's happening. I hope you're having a good day. Hope you had some coffee and some oatmeal. You're washed your fucking muffling. You're thinking about your day and how you're going to go out there and make a little fucking better for yourself. And for everybody else. I got to go to the eye doctor today.

For what? I don't know. Check my eyes. I haven't gotten new glasses in two fucking years. They keep sending me emails from insurance. It's time to go down there and check your eyesight. It's time to go down there. But what do you do if they said you have to wear glasses all the time?

No. They say I got to wear glasses when I read. them like when I eat pussy I don't what the fuck well you gotta wear glasses you gotta wear fucking glasses okay no no you always hate wearing them no I hate wearing them I can't wear them because of what people are doing now

they wear glasses to look exotic and to look smarter like somebody gives a fucking you people buy into it no no no I wear glasses to read I'm embarrassed to put them on here because I don't want you people think I'm trying to be fucking you know Steve Martin or some fucking swami fucking cocksucker I hate that shit

you stonley a little bit yeah we gotta re-roll. You know what I'm going to do? I got like 19 roaches over here. I'm going to put together like a Puerto Rican blend first. When was the last time Uncle Joey did that? About every day? No, I don't. No, I don't. Not when I mix a couple of different fucking blends. This is old school shit. This is what Puerto Ricans do. They take a...

See, the problem I'm having is I can't find the fucking glue no more. That's how bad, even with the glasses. I got what the fuck? My computer. Lee, you're fucking up here. Keyboard. Keyboard shortcuts here. Lee, what's happening? What are you doing to my computer? I didn't do Nothing. I didn't do nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

So, Lee, what else did you think about the fights? I got it, I got it. I'm just teasing you. Oh, okay. I enjoyed the fights. It's a lot more fun when you watch with friends, and I saw it with a buddy. I mean, who you usually watch fights with your enemies? No, but sometimes you're just, it's a weekend, and you just want to be home, and you just watch it by yourself. I don't know. You talk about watching fights with your friend. I thought you went down and watched fights with German and shit like that.

Me and Lee went and got coffee yesterday At our usual place You know, we go to the same place We don't make believe we're fucking special We go to fucking Starbucks And we go to this little dump by the house over here I've been going to what for the least for years We've been going there

And I'll tell you what, nothing bothers me And you motherfuckers that drink coffee They don't want to take a shit in a coffee shop bathroom Two people took shit back to back And here's what piss me off that If I go into a bathroom And somebody takes a shit Like I go in there prepared

Like if I know somebody took a shit Then I definitely Because me other type Listen dog I don't give a fuck I will pee on the street You know that Lee I'll take my dick out anywhere

Cemetery You saw me in my mother cemetery I'll take my dick out And make believe on birdwatching But that's how you do You don't grab your dick and piss You take your dick out And you make believe you're bird watching

You're talking to somebody on the cell phone And they look at this They don't look at your fucking helmet And you twist it from the side It's like a Hollywood punch You know what I'm saying When you see a Hollywood punch They shoot it from the side

So it looks like you really hit him, but it didn't. It's on an angle, you dumb fucking maloos. Meanwhile, you go home and tell people how tough fucking Randy Cotor is some shit. Yeah, it took you about an hour and a half to pee, because he would go and come back, but someone's in there. This guy was in there for a fucking hour shitting at a public bathroom,

which really fucking burns me up. Listen, you want to pee or something at a public bathroom? That's okay. You want to shit because you have, like, bad fucking Hindu food or something like that? Because that's what makes you shit that quick. It's like bad curry or bad fucking juju food or whatever the fuck they eat.

They think, oh, it's so cool to eat this shit. Next, you know, they're shit in fucking blood. But how many times is I going to have to go to the back? At least three or four. This, nasty motherfucker was in there, pissing, shitting. I can't go in there. It pisses me off with that specific place. I love the place.

Yeah. But there's somebody who keeps going there to take a fucking shit. And it pisses me to fuck off. Lee told me something when we were sitting there yesterday that was very interesting to me. You know, Lee is new to all this. You know, Lee's an editor by trade. He's a comedy fan. He's a fan of baseball and football.

But Lee's a sweetheart of a kid. And we've had conversations about Leithyn, so he's missing part of his life. That's amazingly, you weren't cut out to be at the standard jumping up and down on a Friday inside. And that's okay. And a lot of people ain't cut out to do what you do, to hang out with me and smoke dope and eat edible.

A lot of people, you know, a lot of people ain't cut out for whatever. And that's what makes life special, that we're all fucking different, that we're not all, you know, We all don't like the same shit, you know? And, Lee, I think the same thing. I'm not part of a comedy circle. You don't see me hanging out with a lot of these white dudes

and whatever, giggling and hugging, like George Clooney and whatever, you know? And sometimes I think maybe there's something wrong with me. You know what? Maybe there's something fucking wrong with them. Yeah. And I leave it at that. You're with me and there with fucking us.

That's the way I've been thinking since I was fucking 13. You know, and it's probably don't like it. Go fuck yourself. That's old school fucking thinking. and Lee you said something to me that you've never been to a strip club No, it, uh, the,

the joke I say is because I don't want to pay a comfort charge, which is partly true, but the real reason is and I asked you about it because you, uh, you've been in a little bit and you, you dated a stripper, but I just, I can't get over, I don't like the feeling when someone doesn't like you. Like, I don't always have to be liked. Like, I don't care if I piss someone off or something.

But if someone's judging you, like, I feel like a stripper would just like, just look at the guys coming in and just hate it just feels like especially with porn on in the internet nowadays why don't I want to go and and feel like shit to do it and in front of people

like and she won't even be that she won't even be fully naked or if she is she's not doing anything with it just I don't know it never made sense to me only time for us to get a little honesty you couldn't fucking catch me

in a strip club if you fucking paid me I was in the strip club when I was 15 at the Middle Lands Inn. And I saw a woman sitting a banana and put fake teeth in her pussy and take them out and give them to guys. And it was cute when I was 15. And then as I got older.

I went to a couple strip clubs. You know, you're going with your buddies. You're out. It's 60 years in the car. The same way I ended up at the gay bar that night to get blow. The same way. When I was 18, I didn't have a fucking car. So I was at guerrillas.

Wherever they went, I went. Yeah. In 87, when I got pinched, The guy that rattled on me was a big time strip club guy. Big time. He walked in and all the girls came running to him. He sold them weed. He gave half of them blow.

You know, he spent money on him. He was cool. You know, he had the tattoos, the bike, the pit bull. He had the whole fucking set. Did I like that lifestyle? I think it's fucking disgusting. You know, for you people don't know that the guy got caught with in the kidnapping. The reason why he wanted to kidnap this poor villa,

this fucking mess. moron was because he had this stripper, a nude stripper that was fucking a 12. This bitch was banging. Spanish chick. That was amazing. He had a living on his couch. She was divorcing her husband.

But she wouldn't sleep with Steve until she got a divorce because she was Catholic. A stripper wouldn't do it. Jesus. So she wouldn't sleep with this guy. And I don't want to call him stripper

with the exotic dancers. What are the fuck they are? And I have a few friends that are on it, my ex-podcast, with Felicia. She used to be an ex-trip. I have nothing against strippers. Carol, the girl that calls that I dated for four years. She was a stripper. When I dated her, I never went to pick her up. One time I went to pick her up, and she told me to come in,

and that was the time I seen Faco throwing dollar bills off fucked up Farley at the girl. He died two weeks later. Jesus. That's Star Strip on Lasenaga, between Beverly and whatever. Yeah. Right there to the Saniga Star Strip. I think that's, you know, that's a star strip. I never went to see her

I've never been one of those guys I never you know works for some people and don't work for other people I don't like people touching me like that yeah I don't like women touching me like that unless I really fucking know you or whatever and and it's just disgusting that a guy would go in there thinking that he'd have a shot with this chick and I can't tell you listen man I'm right here to tell you when I first got

divorced this is what happened when I first got separated in 91 our relationship was fucking fine separated you know I was doing my thing she was doing more thing. There was a strip club in Boulder

called the bus stop. It was the guy who owned it, died, he left it to the church. Jesus. So the church had to run it now. And they were running it?

They were running. Oh my God. It's not like the pastor was in there. It was the, you know, like they hired a manager to run the club.

Then they paid him a salary. So one night, I was heartbroken after my divorce. I was in a strip club club guy then I was heartbroken and some guys after a comedy club so let's go to the bus stop and I went to the bus stop I'm going to leached on to some fucking girl and again she was going to meet me at Denny's later because she liked me like a lot of guys do when I met her she showed up and then when she got there she told me she wanted 200 bucks and I'm like you I said I'd rather fucking choke myself and give you 200 bucks I take it at dinner though that week this fucking dirty fucking animal went and sat in my ex-wife's chair at a barbucked Ex-wife cut hair. She went to my wife's chair,

so I'm going out with a comedian Joey Diaz on Friday night. I wouldn't pay the two-enders the fucker. Hot little girl. But it wasn't for me either. I went to one-hooker house that time, the 10-40 club, and after that, I can't pay either. It makes me feel weird. I don't even like the strangeness of it.

Yeah. You know, when I go to Vegas now, they're all over the fucking place in Vegas. Yeah. And I don't like the strains and stuff. I don't even like a woman in my fucking room on the road. I don't like a woman in my hotel room on the road. I don't like a woman in my hotel room on the road.

No. You know, I don't like going in unless it's going to happen. You never went to Hooters either. I wouldn't go to fucking Hooters either. All you're going to get from Hooters is blood coming out of your ass. They're going to pop your ulcer and a chick with stockings on. These are strippers that don't want to make the fucking commitment. Fuck you.

You little dirty whore. You want me to come in here and tease me. Like, I'm in the fucking sixth grade. Go fuck yourself. I'd never been one of those guys. I could sing around with a bunch of chicks and look at them and giggle. I've never been into that shit at all. Either you're on the boat or you're not going to.

fucking boat. Yeah, but that's a strange thing you're talking about, like, the guy who goes in and, like, just throws his money around so they're, like, the girls really love him, but they don't, they don't. Like, that's the entire, like, that's what I'm scared of, like... You hate the fakeness. Yeah, it freaks me out. It's awesome. Hey, listen, you gotta put...

It's Hollywood. And they're acting. It's Hollywood. And there's nothing against the strippers. Um, I don't have a problem with what they're doing, but, like, that's the thing. Like, I don't want them to, like, to hate, like, I feel like they'd hate, hate you. as going in.

So it's not like the strippers are bad. Like, they're doing, I mean, if I look like that, I'd be a mill stripper. Fuck it. You know, let me tell you. I'm being a kid and people going, you need a car, you need a bunch of money to pick up the chicks.

You just need your heart and your fucking dick and balls. You go up to any fucking woman, you tell them what you're feeling, and either they get on the boat or they're not. There's women like fake fucking guys. There's women that love that shit. You know, they love the fucking Chris Brown-looking motherfuckers that'll go up there and giggle

and you girls fall for that. Shame on you, you, you dumb fucks. Shame on you falling for that dumb shit. That shit you fall for when you're fucking 13. You know? I don't like that shit, you know? And that's those girls. They come running with the heels and shit.

That's okay when you're fucking tent guy. And then once you see a bad blood, you see the other side of that. I love Carol. I really did love Carol. I hated that she did that. It destroyed me as a man. I couldn't move fucking forward. Here I'm dating a woman that's looking guys laps, telling them,

guys touching the tits and shit. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. People that show up with their wives and somebody fucks your wife. You're a filthy fucking animal. A filthy fucking animal. I remember that you hear that tape we did, me, Tebow, Tripoli. Remember we were talking about the time of 70?

And we all had to do comedy at a disgusting house up in Beverly Hills with people fucking wives. And this idiot showed up with tattoos. Here's my wife. And the girl is five feet away from them. They have kids together. And some fucking guerrillas fucking your wife on a tape. that you just met at a party and you're giggling about it. That's disgusting.

That's fucking disgusting. Yeah. That's another level of fucking disgust. You should be shot and fucking hung, you know? Yeah. I just thought about it. Are you a jealous person when it comes to? Because I...

I'm fucking jealous. It's not that you're jealous. It's that this is a certain way how to act around fucking your wife and my wife. And there's certain fucking ways. And there's certain ways she has to fuck of that. Yeah. Because like, jealousy's made out to be a bad thing. And you don't want to, like, I'm not saying if you, if your girlfriend or wife has a friend who's a guy, like, you throw, like, throw it fit or whatever.

But at some point, like, I could never, like, it's like, it's like how I imagine wives or moms who have kids or cops feel. Like, if a girl I was dating was going out to a thing, I wouldn't be, I'd probably go insane. What about this joint? You're going to smoke this fucking number with me? You're going to make me smoke it by myself. Put some music on. What do you got for Uncle Joe? I know you got some fucking groove in the door.

Oh, you fuck. It's Monday, cock suckers. Get up. Put some salt in your asshole. You got to get out there. Get on the train. It's snowing. It's fucking cold.

I know you hung over. St. Bodies. I don't give a fuck. You should have thought about that. You're an adult. Fucking drinking like a fucking momol. But at least you're out in the Lord's Day. Do him blow and eat pussy.

I commend you for that. You're a fucking savage. Hit it Lee. And you're going to wiggle fun with Joey today. You haven't wiggled with a week and shit. I wiggle every day. What are you down? How many pounds?

Today was 56. 50-6. He's losing. Look at him. He's handsome. He's back into his fucking Yamika. For years, he couldn't put that fucking Yamaka on. Look at the size of that melon.

Now the Yamika fits. What, Lee? Let's do this, motherfucker. Monday, March fucking 18th. Get it. Hit it. What? Oh, shitly.

I couldn't dance for another. Don't da, da, da, da, da. Oh, Shidley. Oh, Shedly. This is it right here, motherfuckers. It's a beautiful. People there to be alive, get out there, tackle a motherfucker. Hit it, baby.

Wait, you got to smoke this refo with me. You got me over here, fucking solo. This is like nine different mixtures of weed here. This is what Michael Jackson smoked before they get in the anesthesia and shit. Oh shit. I can't take it. You could take, cut this shit before I fucking light your little elbow. I'm fucking.

What? What? I like that. I like your fucking forearm hairs on a spire, you little Jew fuck. I love you. Fucking Lysayat. Bad motherfucker, I'm very proud of the church. You'd be very proud of Lee.

56 fucking pounds. Some shoutouts. Dead Squad, Connecticut, Dead Squad, motherfucker. Lee, bang that motherfucker. Nobody said to lower. We're just giving shoutouts here. What? The thing I'm more proud of is how much I made you laugh yesterday.

That killed me yesterday. He is a fucking knucklehead. Little shoutouts for the Americans. the Irish for everybody out there. Little Dan Nagel, I love you. Ralph Santa Maria, down there, Miami, Carly Holmes, Andrew, Andrew, whatever,

Denny, Van Heber, you're back, Joe, the ordinary user, Joe, Mr. Jay Rivera and Jay Palmerville. I see you over there on Facebook, making it fucking happen. Some shout-outs of my main people, Onit.com. Go to Onet.com,

get your life. Just because it's Mar-Chane Teamco. Don't mean that you can't start now. A lot of people. said well I'm gonna get started January 1st Joey then January 1st they ate a fucking donut and they said let me push it back now it's March 18th you're still sitting on the couch confused get the fuck up get the fuck up even if you don't fucking go to honor and buy something go to fucking G8 we go to fucking get this thing for

strong bone like Joe says and get the recipe and go to fucking whatever make it yourself I don't give a fuck put clolina and nassetol together on your own part-time but get up do something make me fucking happy make yourself happy you know my wife always says to me Joey what's the fuck, I don't want to go to yoga on Wednesdays. I said, you don't understand. That's why all these women have that postpartum fucking depression, because they sit there with this ugly kid and stare at it all fucking shit.

Get out of the fucking house. Go do yoga. She's got to go to 11 o'clock yoga today. Well, I'm at the fucking eyeglass to. What weed store on, oh, the weed store in Grand Rapids? What are you bothering me for? It's a fucking holiday, that squad, Michigan. Get your shit together. I don't know what the schedule is in Michigan. It's 635, so that means it's 8.35 in

Michigan, and you're ready looking for weed. In other words, you got fucking emotional. Anyway, I'm over here smoking dope. Yesterday, we're at the coffee shop. We're waiting for this guy this shit. And me and Lee are talking, as usual, about stupidity. And I'm telling Lee, how... Lee's got a hot little cute roommate.

He's single now. I'm like, Lee, why don't you just mug their roommate? And he's like, I don't know, Joey, you know. I go, he goes, maybe when I lose him more way... I mean, they make a cute couple. They giggle together. She's cute. She's 22, right?

Yeah, 22, yeah. I go, Lee, what you do is you go over there. She got the little blanket. She was small. You stick your finger and then you just machine gun Right between the little asshole And the monkey right there He's just machine gun it really lightly

And she would just pop a head and go Lee What are you doing? And you say we're friends And you're hoofing those two fucking fingers From the side And he just massage that little monkey And his face Look at he gets all hot thinking about

You little juke dirty best You can't do that to somebody Yes you can't They love that shit It's hell on the surprise You know what I'm saying That's why they fly into you while you're sleeping Oh no

So next thing you know These fucking two jerk off sit next to us You know two of those people that are rich But they want to be poor They dress dirty The guy had his hair A fucking fake blonde The chick didn't even wash her hair

That dirty fucking pussy fuck With these house sandals on these filth But then they pulled up in a fucking BMW 7 Filty motherfuckers you know And they're sitting next to us Trying to be fucking politically correct The guy was a half a fucking fag I think. He was a Republican

dressed up like an artist. I'm an artist. You're a fucking scumbag. Lee's eight inches from this guy saying, Joey, I'm not going to stick my fingers up her ass. And he doesn't stop day. He's like, I'm not going to machine on her ass. I can't do that. I can't tongue her asshole like you. I can't. And I'm dying. And this guy's hearing this. And guys, I'm on a fucking, I'm on a little bite. I already had 300 milligrams of TAC flowing through my bloodstream.

I'm fucking bans. I'm fucking bait to the gazills, and Lee won't shut the fuck on. And every time he says, I'm not going to stick my tongue on the ass, or I'm not going to let her piss on me. She's definitely got to have a shit on my chest or whatever the fuck you said. I'm dying. I'm getting dizzy from laughing. From the high, the blood pressure, I'm getting fucking dizzy.

Lee never had me. Nobody's made me laugh at the hard life. I love when it happens. That's what happens. When there's a table, fucking full of room that's open. You ever see, you ever go to a dining room to eat? And the place is fucking not busy. and there's a table and you sit at that table

and also somebody else comes in, they sit right next to you. All the time, man. The fuck, and the waiter brings him over there, and you feel, looking at the waiter going to go, and dog. Give me some fucking room. The whole place is over.

You want people sitting next to me. For what? I don't hate you, nothing. I just don't want people something next to me. I hate fucking people sitting next to me. I happen to the movie theater a lot, too, and that's worse because they choose it. Like, I went to the movies with my dad when he was here.

We went to see a movie, and this little Asian guy with the backpack came, and in a half-empty theater came and sat Like literally in the seat next to my dad. Oh, no. I would have said, yo, get up. Get up. Come on, you got to go.

The whole fucking place is empty. Come on, Calabasa, Kalawasa. Come on. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, but you were turning red yesterday. I couldn't even believe it. Dog, I was fucking howling, and I was high, and you wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

I'm not going to lick her asshole. And the guy would look, and then you'd say, I'm not going to machine gun her asshole. I'm not going to put my fingers there. She's fucking hot. She's 22. She's got perfect titty. You know when they're 20?

too. You know if they got a little B cup, they're fucking sticking right up. That's how she'd go out there and get rid of it. I do that when she's sleeping. And a pussy taste good in the morning. You're you used to see in the morning late in the morning? Yeah, of course. No, early in the morning. He's got that little pussy doo-

It's got a little pissy. After-taste. After a night like that, it's hard to sleep sometimes. Like, you wake up at like, you go to bed at three, but you still wake up at seven together. So, yeah, yeah, of course. So why you wake her up when you're telling that little asshole? Yeah, you better bail money ready.

What bail money? You wake her up You're telling her there's no bail money You wake her up Wripping her clothes off hitting in your face With a dick on her a dirty hole Like, you know Yeah, then they'll call the cops on you

But she's on your couch It's not like you met her on the street And took her home And then on the head with a stick You're just gonna rub her clit slowly Like that like a savage Look at you Oh shit

You eat that little pussy That Jum Jum juice Falls out What did you say? Yeah, you were dating a girl Of you like a while ago And he's like some something oozed out or something?

Oh yeah, she had a little ooze come out of her pussy. I don't know what it was. A little juice. Fucking whatever. I don't give a fuck. Oh, my God. It's like sour fucking toothpaste. Oh, my God.

He's like the toothpaste. It tastes like sour cream. We still got a cock suck as Monday. Get it, make it happen. Write your goals. A pussy, this tastes. It was delicious. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Don't you miss eating that little monkey early in the morning? I do, but muck and do it to a girl. like uneaspectedly. No. What do you want to do? Send her a postcard and tell her you're going to eat her pussy. No, they like it. They like to wake up to it like music.

Nah. It's like waking up to the stones. You can't get what you want. You hear angels singing. You got a tongue up your asshole. If you lost you up and you down nine-one-one-can-you-magine, do you imagine? No, I wouldn't. If you fuck that little Jew dick

and rub your little Jew feathers together and take the Yamacol off the helmet in the morning, and then you fucking suck your little stomach. What would you do? You're going to call them a guy? No, no. do this. You got to let us suck that little Jew pipe.

Of course, I would, but it's different. Like, that's... I'm trying to say that with a straight face. That's why I'm pretty question on them. We're like so, like, Momopied when you said that on that podcast. What? Podcasts about what?

About Lucy Snowbush? No one does that anymore. No one, you can't just, like, even without the quailude, it would have been enough. But you're on a quailude, you break in, and then you do it? What are you going to do? You're going to call them and tell him you're coming. You're going to send him a text. coming over to eat your pussy.

No. Some people like the element of surprise. I would love in my youth when I wasn't single if somebody woke me up sucking my pipe. You imagine a woman bracing to you, stabs her, and sucks your dick to me. No, no, for a guy. That would be amazing.

Stabs her and just fucking stabs her. Goes in the room, puts the knife down, and takes you little fucking juke's fucking helmet out. Why are we talking about this league? People don't want to hear this shit at 8 in the morning. That's why I try to tell you to leave. I'm fucking. I'm losing it, man.

You never got to a strip club. I'm very proud of you. Yeah, I can't even... We're both together. All right, we'll do a podcast. I don't see that it's not fucking... You know, about... It's got to be 12, 13 years ago. I did something.

I got to check one afternoon that was bigger than expected when I lived on Gardner over there by El Campadre. And if you walk down El Campadre on the Sunset Strip, if you cross, there's strip clubs. Right before you get to La Brea,

there's a strip. Club, the seventh heaven, the seventh veil. Okay. And then if you go around the corner, it's that real popular one on sunset. Not the one down by the clubs where people go to, but yeah, yeah, yeah. This is on La Brea. Okay. I bought Coke there. I didn't have to go in the Armenian.

You used to hang out there, and he'd meet me outside by the gas station. And while I was pumping the car up me, come over and bring me the blow. But, excuse me, that place next to LaBrea there on sunset, okay. That's where all the celebrities go. They don't do shit in there. Like, they'll just show your tities in there.

have the other one, the seventh veil, where in the afternoons, I think they lick your balls there. Oh, and that's the worst part of the afternoons. Right, which drill dark in there. One day, I went in there, very dark with money, and I walked out. And I could have got my dick sucked or whatever the fuck they'd do in there. Even at that age, I felt creepy. Yeah.

I always felt creepy about that. I don't like that touch type thing. I like to have a relationship with something. Not a relationship, but talk to them a little bit, at least. And it's just, there's one over in West L.A. right on like at the entrance to the 405. Like it's literally almost on the on ramp and it's like next to like an auto body place.

I'm like this like this just doesn't seem like the right place to be. The best thing, when I started in Denver, there was the Diamond Cabaret. I think it was in Denver. And when I first started doing comedy in 94, the Diamond Cabaret had just opened. And on Monday night, I did a combination comedy strip thing.

Jesus. And I remember sitting there in the word on. the street was that they had good steaks. You know, like that was the word on the street. And I remember sitting there, seeing guys come into stripclos, like, four men, distinguish men, and they would eat a steak and a baked potato. And women would come up and go, would you like a dancer?

Like, no, no, no, no. We're here on business, like to be big shots. Jesus. And I thought the third one, the girl would sit and they'd impress the girl. Like, yeah, we're here talking about 401Ks. That shit has always driven me fucking crazy when idiots think they're in. impressing this other idiot by talking big in front of her or giving out

little dots like we're in the mafia and the girls like oh my god they're in the mafia that shit has driven me fuck when I used to date cat out she'd come home once a week with some fucking story of a guy and I'd say to her if he was that well were he being your little fucking dumpy strip club and whatever the fuck you work

you follow me I mean these guys go in there and they'd be better it's a whole creepy fucking game that is just I don't know it just drives me fucking nuts do you feel bag, don't you have friends that go to this trip club? Oh yeah, I mean it's not. And what do you say when they go, I want to go out to the strip club?

I've had it a couple times, but, like, I've never been, I've never been in a car and like, I had to say, like, no, no, because I mean, I would go. I don't, I don't care of anyone else. There's actually a story. I went to New York when I was, like, six. And we walked by one of those peep show

things, and I asked my dad what it was. He's like, there's a naked girls dancing in there. And I, like, I said, why would anyone paid to go see naked girls. I just didn't understand it when I was like six. And I don't know. I don't really have any judgment against him and I probably wouldn't end up going but it's like

it's never something I would want to do. It's not your style. No, hey listen man, that's what makes it special that. It's weird because when I was about 14, we used to go to the city play hooky and walk around New York. Yeah. And one day a bunch of us were walking by and some pimp made us go

into like a bar in the afternoon. That's how you learned. And we sat down at the bar and we're like, you know, we're 14. They're like, we don't give a fuck. We're like, really? Give us a vodka tonic. Give us a whatever. And all of a sudden a girl comes next to you and she sits next to you and she lets you rub her titties and shit. And she's like, can I buy

something to drink? And you're like, what do you buy? She'll drink champagne. It's $30. Here you are in the eighth grade. You got like $12 and you're like, no. I don't have no fucking money. They throw you out of that. That was no lesson we learned. But one of them, my buddy cracked open. Champagne, so we all had a chip in.

And I learned my lesson that way. You follow me. It's fucking crazy. It's a complete different animal that some people into it and some people don't. I question myself sometimes why I'm not into it. I question myself sometimes like, why can't right now? Because when you get off Victory off the 170, there's a huge strip club. With the valet parkers and the whole thing.

A lot of times it's 1030. I know my wife is sleeping. I'm driving home and I see this. And I'm like, ah. Yeah, and it's not that I don't like naked girls. It's like that's not the thing. It's just like that. It's just the whole thought.

I don't know. When I did Coke, when I was doing Blow, you could probably get it easier to take me to a strip club. When I was doing Blow, it would be easier for you to get me to a strip club just because I was halfway there. Okay. And I remember a fucking story when I worked on Thornton in 104th. I was about 30 years old. At the time my wife was pregnant, I was in the halfway house, and I had to make money to get married. She was about a month pregnant.

I remember what Alex Rea called the podcast? Yeah, of course. Alex Rea was one of the guys on the halfway house. I was like, I look up his number again. I lost his number. Really good kid, Alex Ray. I was my roommate. But Alex Ray, there's one particular story where for six or seven weeks, I was selling blow at the halfway house with no problems.

I was pulling up, walking in with my suit on, people were. would wave, I go upstairs, I cut the coke and sell it. Okay. What the fuck was my authority? Holy shit, what are we talking? Strip clubs. Okay. And there was one weekend when I was,

and I was making money, Lee. I was loan sharking money in the halfway house. For rent, yeah. So people could pay the rent, and I was selling blow. Plus, I was doing, it was the first year, Mitsubishi had released the eclipse. Oh, okay.

That little really speak, and people were buying them at sticker. So I was making $6,700 a piece. I was selling one of those. a fucking day. Wow. And I was trying to pay for a wedding. I was paranoid. I was young.

I thought I was, and I was really going to get off cocaine. Once I do this, I'll stop selling coke. And I was not doing blow people. Here's the beauty of the story I'm about to tell you. I was not doing coke. I was selling coke.

I was probably putting away an ounce a day selling at this time. I was making money. How much would that make you back? Yeah, 2000. Jesus. $1,500. $1,500. And those days I was getting ounces for $800.

and I would cut the coke a little bit like get 35 grams out of it and sound for 60, 80 if I knew you, if I was frenzy, I'd give you the whole rock and don't want to put any coke on it. You know, I used to get it from this Mexican dude that had a gym in Alcapulco and their opposite. Their seasons are opposite ours.

Okay. So he would come up in the wintertime and give me that blow. He would leave it in a pink can for me. Fucking crazy stories. But we're talking about this night, so I have this half ounce of fucking blow. and I got to be at the halfway house at 12.

Okay. And we used to get off at work at 9. But there's one particular night. We used to get off at work at 9, but it was a late store. So what's the matter? You're going to puke? No, no. Jesus fucking Christ.

I took a zipper. Cocks suck. Because I keep seeing you go like this, like you're going to get sick, like when you drink that fucking bat juice you're drinking. No, I'm fine. So there's one night. We used to go out of there at 10. Uh-huh.

And there's one night the owner was like, let's get the fuck out of here, nine. So I had three hours to kill, and I got this half ounce of blow. At this point, it was like I was cleaned six months, but I would have it in my pocket. And I was dying to fucking do it, honey. It was an excuse. So on the way home on there, I see this place because in Thornton, Colorado at the time, they had bars that had no booze, but the chicks danced naked.

Okay. And I said, let me pull over at this place, see what's going on. I go in there and they have a career. green girl. At this time, I had never really seen an Asian naked girl like this, but this chick was just wasn't a naked Asian. This chick was bangingly. She had the fake titties, the beautiful bush, the whole fucking thing. And they didn't dance in the private rooms. They danced in stalls. So you cut deals with them and tackle them and suck their pussy and do whatever the fuck they want, dog. I started giving this girl bumps. So I started doing fucking

bumps. I started eating her pussy. I think I walked in there with $14 and I left there. with nothing. Jesus. And I left there coped up too. And I had to go back to the halfway house. And it's not like

you could call the halfway house and say, I'm not coming back. You don't show up at 12. There's a warrant out for your fucking arrest. And sheriffs are starting to look for you.

So I had like an hour to straighten my face up. Yeah. Stop sweating. I stopped. I bought Vizine. I did everything I fucking could. I took the Coke.

I hid it in my socks to walk it in so I can make my money back. Oh, okay. I blew everything on the stripper. I don't think I fucked I ate her, I ate her ass

I sucked her tits, I fingered her, I think she gave me a hand job. This guy pulled the fucking hair, I mean, she was beautiful. For 1500 trust, I pulled I left the pussy stink on my hand so I could jerk off at home and get three more wax out of it. I mean, you know, we're fucking disgusting savages as men

and I never forgot, I went to the half-while, like I thought about this girl for two or three days. Here, my wife was breaking at home. I mean, I was fucking nuts. The blow, and I went back on the blow. That Korean sent me over the fucking time. with that hot little fucking Korean twat it sent me over the top Lisa I had so I had

I've had adventures at strip clubs I don't want you to think that I'm some you know pussy or whatever it's just been really weird like I never really I never even remember that story still I was writing years ago I remember that what led me to that first bust there was that Korean girl with streaks in the hair

and the sun tan I mean this girl was banging and she was like from here she had grown up here you know okay and I'm sure I'd love it if I went to it but But you got to go to a buck wild one. See, I don't want to go to a place where the chicks show you their tits, and they don't take their panties. I don't even like playing games with people like that.

Show me the monkey from day one. I don't want to play Houdini or play fucking, you know, what's behind curtain number two? Show me your titties. Come on. Show me the monkey. Get on your fucking hands and knees and show me the fucking your real soul.

Show me that fuck. Where's the music? Lee? You said, you're going to play some fucking music to perk me up today. Monday morning, we've got to get these people going. I can't set them out there with a bad mood. We never do that to them. Oh shit. Michael Jackson Monday is this shit.

Go out there. Smack a fucking kid. Let him know the Captain Kirk. By the end of the prizes. What is this shit? What is this shit? It's a thriller. Oh shit.

Here you go. You gotta wig up Uncle Joey today. Let me see you wiggle. Papa. It's Monday, man. Oh shit. Put your hands up in the eye. Do the genie.

Is this the genie? Okay. Move your neck. Like a genie. Don't you know what a fucking genius is? I've never heard of that disco move. We just invented it. right fucking now that's why nobody's ever heard of it okay like this so you put your

hands up and then you shake your head okay but you gotta move the neck you fuck oh shit I can't can't do it oh shit bustedly you want to smoke another number no I gotta join us some shit to the fucking capitalize you know what I thought you think I smoked all I smoked all of me don't think I got oh shit the sticky yicky it's a beautiful day to be a lot I'm happy you guys are with us I'm back I'm in Sacramento California this motherfucking weekend Nice, what days? Thursday, Friday, Saturday at the punchline

And Sacramento, I like this club They got a sushi place up there That's fucking rocks, I can't wait I'll be up there but I'll be up there after Easter No, no, I'll be up there good Friday Oh yeah And I have a good time at this club It's a small club, very personal

I can't wait to see my main man Abe He runs the fucking joint And you're going up there with Diagostino He's a funny nice guy He's a funny fucking kid Last night left him flat You know Lee I got to tell you something man And it's funny having a child now

Because my wife is like Well you have to get the kid on a schedule And I've always known that And what's fucked up about me And my mother never put me on a schedule I didn't nap until I was 20 something Okay Like I never even knew you had a nap in the afternoons

You just would be up I'd be up You know It's funny how you have to nap And it's funny how the last Eight or nine or ten years Since I discovered sleep apnea I know a lot of people

Been sending me emails That ever since the doctor the call, they've gone for East Lat with sleep batten your checks, and they've gotten sleep at it. So thank you very much. You know, when we do these fucking podcasts, it's not like we sit here and jump up and down and shit like that. I try to get you, like today some guy was supposed to call it six to your health and fitness. You're like, Joey, you and Lee are two fat fucks, you know, we're just two swingers. Why the fuck do we got to listen to this shit? Because it's men's health, man. And if we can help each other anyway, I got emails from people

sending me tips all the time. I got a great fucking menu. Some guy sent me, this is what we do here. So sometimes we're going to talk about eating. Pussy. Some nights you're going to talk about drugs and some nights we're going to talk about that there is a future in your fucking life. We've got to keep improving ourselves and improving our health. You know, Lee's inspiring me to go back to weight watch. I went back to wait wards. I didn't want to tell you what I weigh.

But I stuck to the points the last three fucking days. I knew once I went to New Orleans that that was the epicot of this. I knew that my wife's pregnancy, but I also knew this director and I knew that he wanted me fat for this role. He wanted my stomach fat. When I went to the audition, he goes, you trim down

a little bit too much. You got to start eating some Christmas cook before I fucking knew. I knew he wanted a heavier Joey Diaz and I feel good. I've been doing the elliptical. Yeah. Oh, you're saying you're doing a lot of hearty. No more weights, no more nothing. Just elliptical, the fucking treadmill

and the bag. That's it. I'm going to kickboxing today, tomorrow on Wednesday and then Thursday, Friday, Saturday I'll run up there because they have an elliptical machine at the hotel and they have a pool. It must be hard on the road, because I couldn't do it when I was traveling. I couldn't... No, the road is easier than here, because

Because you have all this time. Every hotel you go to has something. Well, working out wise, but I mean eating wise. It's even easier. Really? I'll tell you widely. When you're here, when you're at work, how many times do I call you at work? What happens at your job?

Don't people bring food in? All the time, man. Okay, so here, you got donuts, and you got shit in your fucking back. The thing about society today is that there's no more excuses. You could curb your way around everything. Any place I go to, I get a bowl of oatmeal, correct? Yeah, you're for breakfast. I get a bowl of fruit, correct?

Yeah. Breakfast. That's it. But, I mean, I know in, like, bigger cities, there must be, like, in New Orleans, you could have nice food. Every city has oatmeal only. Everybody's got Denny's. You follow on me? So it's over.

There's no more excuses. Some of the best oatmeal you can have is that Dennis. Well, for breakfast, but what about for lunch and lunch? Everybody's got a chicken breast and everybody's got a salad. Yeah, that's true. And everybody's got a half order of a salad. There's no more excuses. Everybody's got diet iced tea and everybody sells water.

Yeah. I don't want you to go to McDonald's and get a salad. That's not healthy. No, yeah. But if you're out and about, every restaurant has a lettuce, tomato, and onion salad. Yeah. And it's funny. I had to go return a movie last night, and I drove by a Carl's Jr. at midnight, and it was packed.

Pat. And I used to not, like, the only reason I would notice it before is because I'd be pissed. I'd have to wait in line. But now I noticed it, and it's a... Mike Dolje said something when he was on here that when you think about eating fast food, you should look at the people going in and out and think. think if you want to be like them. And there was like, I didn't see anyone like 800 pounds last night, but I was like,

because I've been having cravings and just seeing them like just wait in line and getting at like I was thinking about it. At midnight when you're supposed to be going to sleep, you don't like you could be hungry but you don't need that like that food. That's nightmands that shocks you fucking when you're sleeping that destroys your fucking internal system because now your internal system is working hard. You're a billy goat. You're eating fucking garbage.

Yeah. So now your body's trying to sleep. sleep but trying to destroy that fucking thing. It's toxins going into your fucking body. I can't even imagine. Like I said, I was never, I'm not a late night eater, but I'm definitely not a, and like I said, I don't know how many times I went over to Yum Yum donuts and my wife

is pregnant night, and I look over at Taco Bell and go, wow. But they also tell people smoking is not good and people smoke cigarettes. The same way I smoke cigarettes for years. They also tell people that are not drinking soda. It all goes hand in hand now. And if you look at it, once you step back

Lee, right now you're still young in this. Once you step back, you start to see, wow, I've survived without this. Yeah. It's like when you go to prison for years before I went to prison, I was like, I need to smoke weed. It's like I told you. Once you go to prison, all your phobias disappear. All that shit that you need, all that shit that you fucking need goes away. And you find that about a lot, you find a lot about yourself, that things that you need and you could do without.

Yeah, of course. And the things that you could live without. And you're like, wow, here I thought that I couldn't live without weed. What am I going to do? You learn to live without it. It's the same way where, you know, there's no excuses. I hate to fucking say this. You could go to Subway and get a tuna salad with no bread.

Yeah. You're taking your chances and trying to get sick. Because a lot of people get that fucking, a lot of people get that tuna get food poisoning. Oh, really? I've seen it more on Facebook. I got food poisoning about six, seven years ago. But if you really want to eat healthy, your options are there. Every airport has yogurt and fucking strawberries.

in granola now. Every yogurt to go. It might be the healthiest thing, but it's a lot better than getting an egg meat muffin and a thing. So there are options for people. And that's what I learned through Weight Watchers. And that's why Weight Watchers is the best diet out there. Because it teaches you

how to eat again. It teaches you to eat a bowl of cereal. And after you eat that bowl of cereal, you go, I'm not really hungry. I eat fast. Yeah. I eat the speed of life. I don't even taste the food. I eat like I'm fucking going to the chair. So what happens to you is when you eat that fast,

you don't even realize you're full or you're not full. Yeah. So that's what fucking happens to you. But no more, there's no excuses in society today. Yeah. They give you the option. It's not like they're going to give you the best options for breakfast. When I go to an airport now, dog, I eat the fucking granola.

Yeah. You have to. That's it. My problem is always my eyes are bigger than my stomach. So when I look at a menu, like especially like a Chinese menu, you want the main dish, but then you also. want dumplings, but then also you want egg rolls. I was there. I'm the king of fucking appetize.

Oh, yeah. But you also realized that, like, the last time I went to eat Chinese food with my wife, when my friends were here from Jersey, I got no appetizes. I just got an on course. I didn't get the soup. Because if I get the soup, I got to eat the noodles. Oh, yeah. And you realize that you live.

See, in our minds, we think, oh, we won't live. On order a lunch special, I can't just eat that. I got to eat everything. Eat the lunch special. Sit for five minutes. you're still hungry, then we'll get two more to Zag rolls and we're all fucking party. You know, we're all rock and roll and party.

It's really weird how your mind works. I had a friend that was really heavy in Denver, and she lost 100 pounds. I knew this lady personally, they got to tell you something. Her reading habits were worse than yours, Lee. Jesus. She didn't go to, she wasn't a fast food chick. Fast food was one of the many.

Oh, yeah. She was boxes of cookies. Oh, yeah. And when I tell you, no, no, no. No. No. No She'd eat a bag

The two bags The chips of Hoy Every night So it was the chips a hoy The nut of buters I don't even know I don't even know all the cookies Yeah

And I didn't know this till we used to go on the road Oh geez That she spent so much Cookies that instead of buying on the road She'd bring it with her Before 9-11 She'd bring a suitcase Of just good

Not driving on the plane Lee listen to me A suitcase People at home A suitcase Stacked Like when you bring clothes And you have to fucking get it

Close it Because she felt if she bought it in bulk In L.A. It would be cheaper If she took it on the road over there Oh my God I couldn't believe it Yeah

You name it Eminem's pretzels Fucking and she'd kill it Every night Kill boxes that shit Oh yeah I mean I was never that bet, but I used to laugh to myself because when I'd go grocery shopping, that's

my car, I would, like, it would be like a nine-year-old dream. It was chips and cookies, and, and I, that's the only thing I would go grocery shopping for, because I hate cooking, so I would usually go out or maybe cook pasta, but I'd usually go out, but my, any time I went. But you get ragu out of a can.

Huh? You get ragu out of a can. No, no, no, I don't, I don't, I never like. It's, um, it's a blue glass thing. I forget what the name of it is. But, like, I get nice pasta sauce. But actually... I need sauce out of a giant nice pasta sauce. Well, fuck, I can't make pasta.

You can make it. We can't start making it. If I can make sauce... You can make sauce? And I'm an idiot? Because I'm a bonafide fucking moron. So if I'm a bona fide fucking moron, I can make sauce, I can make shrimp and lobster sauce.

I can make a lot of things. I'm just lazy. Yeah, yeah, that's the thing. You know, and everything I can make is fat-induced. Of course. I can make the best steak and eggs in California. I get the best steak. I chop it.

I put it over white bread with toast with butter. So the gravy from the fucking steak goes on the butter. So when you dip the toast in the fucking yolk, the toast tastes like the steak. You follow me? I don't fuck around. I put onions on top of the steak. I'm from Northbury and New Jersey, dog.

I don't know a lot about a lot of things. I know one thing. I know how to fucking eat. I didn't get to be 415 pounds. I stand a line of McDonald's. You want to fucking cook. I'll cook with you at the fucking house. The whole thing is, I tell you what else.

This is all weight watching cheats. Just so you know when you get back to eating. Okay. Eat a salad before and after. during your dinner. Before, eight after? Before I go eat, I'll pop three fucking apples. Okay.

Yeah, I mean, that makes sense. Why not? Yeah. Last night I got home, I ate a fucking cantaloupe. I got up this morning. I think I was late this morning. I had to take a 22-minute shit. I had shit everywhere.

I had it everywhere. I had it on my chest. You know, because these are things, little things, Lee. I'm still a fat fuck, but I'm eating better. I've been eating better. And that's all we've ever wanted for me. I care about. You're doing this fucking shit.

You know how bad? Next time you look at my... McDonald's say look what I'm fucking putting up with because of these motherfuckers next time you look at Carl Jr. Say to yourself, look what I'm drinking. You might as well let this chick piss in your fucking mouth. It's better

than the shit you're drinking. Probably yeah. It's better. If you take that little roommate of you guys make her run three miles and you eat her asshole, it tastes better than the shit you're drinking. You and I both know this. We kind of ourselves and tell her drinks good, but it tastes like dick. So next time you look at that, you say to yourself

before I go eating that motherfucking place Don't want to do that again Look when I taste it again This is worse You'd rather eat a crack hose asshole Than eat at that fucking place I'll tell you this and the sincere way

Because I love you cut No yeah It's tough because I'm hard on you I can tell on your eyes But now you're used to it God bless you God bless you This is fine

But it's a I have to go out for like a couple weeks When my mom's here And but Where you going I'm going to Vegas the week before The weekend before But my mom's gonna be here

And oh I found I didn't know what you're talking about that garlic restaurant it's called the Stinking Rose. I looked it up online it looks amazing. Come on dog I don't throw you know I ain't fucking what you're going there you go in there you don't make no plans after like ma I want to go to the movie no

mom mom you don't want to do nothing in fact you ain't even staying in the house that night when we go back and put you in a whole top because the shit I don't want you to be that embarrassed oh yeah they have a they have an appetizer what is it break it down for these people it's very simple get the fucking menu

you break it down for these people Oh, hold on. I'll look at the... Oh, I'll get a little garlic fart for you. I'll look at the name of it, but it's a... It's like a crock pot or like a clay crock pot, and it's filled with warm olive oil, and they just put garlic clothes in there.

Why I tell you, guys? They let, like, get really softening. Like, you melt it on your bread. They bring you the fucking garlic. Yeah. And it's like spreading it. You turn it upside down and squeeze it. It's like popping a pimple.

And it comes out this garlic, and you put it on your fucking bread. Now whatever they bring you, you dip that. Yeah. Guys, you have no fucking idea. I've been there three, two times maybe, and they even have we need the desserts to these people. Let me find the menu for you. You know I don't fuck around with you people. I only give you the fucking, but a little music I only do while we're going for the menu. We'll finish with Thruller because I don't have any more wind up. But yeah, it's a, it's fucking crazy menu. Um, yeah, everything is fucking... Everything, it's called it's called Bonja Calda is the garlic soaked in a hot tub.

Come on. You take that and you rub it on your dick. Your garlic cloves oven roasted and extra virgin olive oil and butter with a hint of anchovy. Guys, I don't fuck with new people. Oh yeah, and then they have muscle shrimp and they have fucking prime

rib, I think. They have garlic onion and potato soup. Fucking filet mignon. With garlic clothes in it. Oh yeah. Sticking. Coming out of it.

What I'm really excited to try is, I can't, oh, here it is, it's a, I can't find the name of it, but it's like shrimp pasta, and I can't fucking wait, I call it. What's the dessert? I'll tell you later. Hold on. What's up, beautiful? How you doing, man? You know me, Doug. Over here smoking joints for fucking Jesus.

Well, let me ask you, so what time did you get at this morning? 445. Holy shit. All right. And what time did you go to sleep to get up a 4.45? 9.20. Okay. And so is the baby sleeping?

Like a motherfucker. Come on. The baby goes to bed. My wife is fucking Hitler for youth. My baby goes to bed at 8.30 and she sleeps till 3.30. My wife pops a tit in her mouth and she continues on until about six or seven. That's amazing. She slept seven hours straight last night.

I know that the night before, Saturday night, we had her out all day. We took her to see the UFC And she went to bed after the UFC She slept straight till 5 My wife is bragging about it to her mother Seven and a half hours straight It's amazing It's the T8C in my sperm, dog

It traveled You follow me? That's old school T8C It's 45 years of sleepy sperm Can you believe that? No no, she sleeps through the night The other night there was a problem There was issues

Like one in the morning But see my wife has it good So if she gets up now, if she sleeps four hours and she gets up, my wife thinks it's an issue. She has no fucking idea. I told her yesterday. No. She has no fucking idea. You know, I've seen those women.

You've seen them up in the vallos, Mexican women pushing one, pushing two, one in the crib, and they're pregnant. And my wife is bishing because there was a sock on the floor. I think you might have seen me at one point in time walking in a St. Bernard. I had one in a stroller, one in a backpack, and one holding my hand. Man, that was amazing that your youngest turned 16 yesterday, huh? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? 16, man.

Turned 16 yesterday. I couldn't even believe it. I couldn't. I was standing there next to this six, one and a half bean socks. And I'm like, this dude is 16 years old. 16? I can't even believe it. I mean, smoking weed, the whole thing

Is he smoking weed? Yeah. How much? Not a lot. Well, he don't like the booze, so we won there. No, he went past it. He doesn't like it. No, that's what we're saying.

He don't like the booze, so he won there, so that's good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. You know what? I won all around with that one. No, you hit the jackpot. He's healthy, and that's the number one thing, brother. Yeah, we just spent the weekend in D.C., man.

It was for his birthday. It was good. What was in these shows? You just, okay, you did some shows and took them with you. I did some shows at this new comedy club. I keep going. They keep putting me into these new places. Joey, you would have lost your mind.

Okay. So it was the living social building in D.C. So it wasn't a comedy club. It was, they bought a building. So it was a room that basically, it was an empty office, and they probably thought, what the fuck are we going to do with this? I mean, honestly,

after I did my comedy, it looked like they could have put a macromay class in there. There was two, you know, those old DJ speakers at my Bar Mitzvah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they stand them up. Yeah, they had one of those on either side of the stage. The stage was like those, it was basically a piece of wood with four milk cartons on the edge. There was no liquor, and it was, they just served Paps Blue Ribbon in a can, Hineken in a bottle and wine.

And no waitresses, so you had to get up and get your own Drake. Did you cash the check yet? Yeah, I got to check a cash. You bang that motherfucker that night. You go right to the ATM machine. You pay an extra $6.95 to tell you that check is bogus bitch. You take it right back. I tell you to them else.

D.C. is home of the cab driver that doesn't know where the fuck anything is. I got into three cabs. And one address, I said, can take me to 918 F Street. Now that's an easy one Because F Street You know, it's in a little quadrant And he said, where is that? I said it's up 918

F Street And he goes, do you know how to get there? No, I go, do you have a GPS And he goes, do you think I'm rich? I go, no, I think you're a fucking cab driver So you should know where the fuck you're going He had no idea We had to pull over and ask another cab driver

How to get there That's the worst You've never played the improv in D.C. None of those clubs? I've never played the improv either, so... I haven't. You know what? Outside of the Southern California improvs,

the improv doesn't give me a whole lot of love. I'm not sure. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, they don't. I don't play D.C. at all. At least you go to D.C. I haven't meant to D.C. in 22 fucking years. Are you allowed to go to D.C.?

Yeah, I got no warrants in D.C. Where are the warrants right now? Right now, there's one warrant existing, and we're trying to take care of in Seattle. but there's such a fucking What's that warrant for? This warrant is from 1997 to failure to go to anger management clubs.

That's it? That's it. Anger management class, I'm sorry. So they're not, and they won't pledge on that? It's $10,000 felony warrant. If I get arrested in Oregon or I get arrested in Idaho,

I go to jail in Seattle. They extradite me back to Seattle. I finally did, Josh Wolf took care of the whole child support thing. Yep. After four fucking years. In fact, Saturday, I got two checks back from them. Wait, they actually paid you back?

They sent me two checks back. Oh, shit. They were taking money out of my check for fucking four years after the fact. I thought they were taking it for old money. No. Excuse me. They were taking it for after the fact. You really got to watch your paperwork in today's society

because you don't know what the fuck you're really paying for anymore. How much did it take for you? They took $3,500 out of a checking account that I didn't have. I was saving for my taxes. They just went in there and fucking yanked it out of that without no saying nothing. And they said they were going to come back for more,

like the outlawed Josie Wales. They were coming back, Doug. These motherfuckers don't fuck around. And I got panicky. So I called and it was California that said that I owed them interest. they were collecting a Vig that they weren't allowed to collect. By law, they weren't allowed to collect it.

So now they're spitting all these checks. You know, when they look for you, her biggest mistake was that she went worldwide with it like a little fucking rat. And this is why, you know, 30 years ago, you'd get away with anything. Today, my friends, with the computer age, you're fucked. You know, I went and tried to get my background check.

There's 20 towns that never gave my arrest records up or nothing. because in the 80s nobody gave a fuck who cares he stabbed somebody throw that away yeah now fucking they put everything down they got everything on computer what else is going on in your world brother

buddy I get that book coming out tomorrow that's why you call I was happy about that we want to talk about that how long did it take you to write this book I guess it took like two or three months you know mostly it's and you know you're right up front in the in the in the thank you

because it's right up it took about two or three months, man, but not, I guess for a book, that's not that long, but they're all real stories, you know? And they're all about that time of my life when I was raising those kids by myself. But, and I always said, like, I made sure, I actually called Child Protective Services. And I said, listen, if I write, if something comes out retroactively, I can't get in trouble for shit that happened with the kids, right? like we did some stuff that I'm sure the law

would not be happy about but retroeal was many years ago when we did what we had to do to survive you know what I mean? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you did nothing but raise three children and you did them to the best of your ability. Gives a fuck.

I remember when we were going to rob the coffee maker and we case the fucking join all day, the Starbucks on Melrose, that's not even there no more. I told you I was robbing those calls. I was a fucking king of the coffee. When coffee went public, I made millions of dollars, I was selling and stealing and fucking Expresso, I love you, Espresso.

What of my favorite thing is to watch you do was going to 7-Eleven. Because you, and you would tell me, the trick to stealing something at 7-Eleven is buying something. Because you can't just go in and steal something, they're going to watch you. So you would go up and you would put something on the counter,

and as you put some on the counter, you would have him turn around and get something, and you would basically take everything off of that camera. Everything. Live is peanuts, M&Ms, a fucking Valentine's card. Even if I didn't have a Valentine's. You would walk in there, but that's how, you know, we went on to walk with the kids.

We grabbed some stuff out the guy, whatever you can pull. But yeah, man, the whole, and here's the thing. This is the thing of this book, man. It's got a little bit of everything because, you know, even if you don't have kids look I was a young guy still trying to you know get people to have sex me in the back of a minivan you know what I mean it's not that's not exactly a panty dropper when you have to move a car seat to have sex with somebody so all that stuff is still in there and you know my big thing right now and why I'm pushing it is because my publisher kind of fucked me

they made a huge they had some bigger names start signing books and they started signing books look, see? And they kind of lost me in the shuffle. And then my publisher, my editor admitted to me, I dropped the ball. I dropped the ball. I'm really sorry. And as soon as she said that, it was almost like she felt like she could completely drop the ball and they let me go.

So I'm telling people, I want to get on that New York Times bestseller list just despite those people, man. All right, let's do this. And I want to, if I get on there, I'm going to go into my editor's office in New York, and I'm going to take a shit out of this. and then save something for Lee no no no I'm proud of you they I'm trying to write a book now and I've been writing 18

fucking books I got 19 directions I'm going with but I also told you what are you trying to do with it you try to do from New York in Colorado? I don't know I don't know what I'm trying to do I'm trying to do what brought me down and how I brought myself up you know there wasn't anything that I robbed

that was having two or three conversations that really changed my life and I want to write it from there But I also told you that there's nights I'm going, you know, TV starts at 8 o'clock, and, you know, my wife watches Jeopardy, and I don't know what comes on at 7.30. 8 o'clock, I'm going through channels, and I'll look at Chelsea, I'll see that you're on, and I watch you, and I see you at your hat, I see you having a good time and giggling and laughing. And I think about when I'd see you in the mornings, making fucking breakfast with a kid in your chest and your hat on and feeding two more, and I come break your balls about what's for breakfast, and you'd even feed me. You'd even feed me, you know? beans and turkey burgers, the healthiest thing out there. But it's amazing if people only knew,

and I always thought that would be a very interesting story, that there was more behind that. And you stepped up to the pump as a man. I could never do it. Now I had to do it at 50, but you were doing it when you're fucking early 30s. Wait a second, 50? Is that how old you're telling people you are? I'm 50 right now.

I just turned 50, February 19th. You know what's crazy is that, listen, forever, and this is true, people say, how old is Joe Diaz? And I would say, he could be 30, he could be 50. He's really, you don't know. Nobody fucking knows. I'm going to stay 50 for about eight years.

I've always told people, it depends which ID he shows you. Because he could show you one where he's 33. Oh, yeah, I got them all up. I got a birth certificate that says I'm fucking. Show him one, yeah. You know, people think I don't have a passport. How the fuck there's a guy like me living this planet without a passport? You understand me?

I got a passport. Jose Diaz, Joey Diaz, don't have a passport, but I got a passport. But now with cameras and surveillance, they've got to know I'm fucking mad flavor. You know, somebody's going to follow me on Twitter those places now. Now, you don't go to Oregon or Idaho, do you? I went to Oregon. You know, Idaho, I haven't been to in fucking years, but I've been to Oregon to bend and stuff like that. And, you know, it always sits in the back of your mind, but you never really think about it.

I mean, they're throwing me, they want me to go up there and turn myself in and wait for three days. and go in front of a fucking judge. And I'm trying to do it with a bail bond. And see, if the quicker I get rid of that, I could go to fucking China and I'd go to Hong Kong and I'd go to England and do comedy, I still can't go to Canada. You can go to China and do comedy.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Once I fucking get Seattle taken care of, I can go to China and do comedy, which I want to go to England, I want to go to Ireland, I want to go to Hong Kong. Who are you going to run with Bruce Lee's nephew? I don't fucking know.

They got spare ribs. Can I tell him, if you went to China, You would be, I just imagine you walking through the streets and people follow on you. How about Japan? I want to go to Japan. I want to go to Thailand and get my balls sucked. Do you ever think of that? They have never seen a body like yours in China.

Yes, they do. Bolo and enter the dragon. Remember, he was all juiced up and shit. And he's still walking around in North Hollywood somewhere selling fucking... You could shave, maybe shave your head and go back. You could be the Buddha. the new Buddha for China Stop, though

I'm telling you One of my favorite things You ever said to anybody Was there We were at a comedy show And it was a good looking Asian woman in the front row And you go

Oh, hey Hey, yo, Gina You're sexy, aren't you? And she goes, oh, thank you And you go, You make me want to go home And play karate kid with myself All that was on the plane with me

There was a dirty, filthy fucking whore on the plane with me A Vietnamese one She got on the plane When she sat behind me And she had the people behind me She was talking about She's an artist

And all this shit Circus Di Soleil This bitch had big ass tities And she was banging She had a weird face though You know She wasn't no fucking Korean chick that looked hot

But she was banging And she's back And I finally The guy got up And she's like Don't you talk And I looked at And I said

You know what You're a filthy Fucking animal Aren't she And she just turned pale Because I told her future She didn't have to pay For this shit

She was a filthy animal In fact, they were flying this bitch in the suck dick. That's how filthy she was. In Vegas? No, we were coming back from Louisiana last week. How? That was pretty amazing. Yeah, it was pretty amazing.

I'm still fucking, when I look at the camera with the pictures, I still, my head almost blows up. Wait a second. Do you also went to UFC this weekend? No, I watched it. I didn't go anywhere this week. I just watched. It was in Montreal.

I'm not allowed in Canada. That's right. I didn't get to see it. So did GSP kill him? No, GSP beat them, but not for what you thought. Let me tell you some. In the third round, Momo came to life. Diaz came to life and started throwing punches and opened them up,

and you could see that GSP was a little worried. He knew that that guy went on a flurry. That guy swims to Alcatrazum back, Josh Wolfe. He does what? He swims to Alcatrazum back. He runs 20 miles. He goes to Jitsu. He runs.

He comes back, and he does this smoking weed, which is even more of a miracle, you know. The guy's just one of those guys. I'm going to see those guys, hopefully, this week. I'm going to Sacramento. When are you going to be in Sacramento? I'm in Sacramento. Yeah, I was going to ask you.

I'm there on the 28th when you're there. I'm there this weekend, so you're there the week after. I'll be pushing you up there. Yeah, man. I'm just there for one night to sell this book, man. I've got to tell you, this is the thing that I'm most nervous about that I've ever done. You know, do you get nervous for anything anymore? Everything.

I don't get nervous when I go on stage anymore. I still get nervous. That's what makes me go bananas. Well, here's a thing. I guess we're saying different things. Like, I get energy, like anxious, but I don't get nervous. I used to think every night before I went on stage, I used to think, tonight is the night that they find out I'm not that funny.

That just went away a couple months ago. And now it's more of a nerves like, oh shit, these people are actually here to see me. I hope I don't let them down. I do think that, but I don't think that's nervous. You know what I mean? That's more like, maybe it is nervous, but now it's more of a fear of letting people down. Like these people actually came to see me.

I hope I don't let them down. Like I hope I can live up to, you know, to them getting a babysitter and buying two tickets and buying two drinks each, you know? I feel like that's my responsibility. and I used to get nervous like I know I'm not funny now they're not, they're going to know I'm not funny

I don't get that anymore but I'm really nervous about this because you've got very insecure before you go on stage if you think of everything bad that you've done and how you're not funny that's what I think about I beat myself up in that way you know well I beat myself

I beat myself like if I if I you know if I'm in Chattanooga, Tennessee right which I will be coming up soon. But, Jedduka, Tennessee, I'm assuming not a whole lot of money, right? So say, you know, Tom and Jane

spend their little bit of money that they get, you know, they got one date night, and they save it up to come see me. That's the responsibility. Like, I'm like, what if I fuck their night up? Yeah, I'm the same way. I think of that, too. I don't even like people buying t-shirts after the show.

We don't mean either. Because I know that you got a babysitter. I hate it. I fucking hate it. Even when I was coked up and I needed $40, I couldn't sell nothing. And you know I could sell anything. I would have sold fucking keys to somebody's apartment in those days. I don't give a fuck, but I couldn't do it.

I don't have the balls to go up to somebody after they spend $7 a drink and $20 a show to say I need a T-shirt now for $20 or whatever the fuck. What kind of stories do you have in this book, bro? Man, I got, look, do you remember the peanut butter and jelly delivery service? Yeah. I got the story about, you know, when I had obviously, They had no money, and the kids, I couldn't afford daycare, but we needed to make money, and, you know,

when you go to the improv, you make $10 a set. So, you know, people, you can't make money in town. Remember when they used to leave other people's checks in the front, remember you get your check. I used to steal little checks and put them on my check. Drew Carey had all those checks. And we used to steal and put them in my check and cash. What are you going to do, sign them over and wish you never asked?

Drew Carey, you would get those $50. Drew Carrey would get $50 checks. We get like $750. Yeah, you would get the $50 check for it, because they would go down and do a live version of whose line it is it anyways. $750. Yeah, it was the best. $7.50.

It was the bad, bad checks. And people would be like, aren't you making money in town? Making money in town. Who was it coming store? $20? $15. $15. $15 a set.

So if you do one set in night, you get $75 fucking dollars or something like that. Yeah, it wasn't great. but uh so you know i used to i had to figure out a way to make money so i started that um a peanut butter and jelly delivery service where i would take the kids and we we deliver menus to places in hollywood and they would they would order peanut bread and jelly sandwiches from us and we would make them at the house and deliver them in a little red wagon and then but i always had the kids deliver the food and i would i would make them look a little dirty because they would get better tips if they looked a little dirty.

You know what I mean? Like I would mess up their hair just a little bit to make them look a little sadder. And I was like, make sure you don't smile too much in there. You rubbed dirt in their face on the teeties and shit. Make sure you look a little sad. Like you haven't eaten in a couple days. Like you're making them a sandwich, you can't eat one. It's really funny.

I look at you now and people look at you and you all bright and shiny, but you paid your dues, bro. and you paid your dues times 10. You slung a lot of dick, so God made you raise a kid by yourself, and it turns into a savage, bro. Well, listen, it just basically taught me that there was no room to quit. I mean, there's no, it taught me, like, when I was living in that one bedroom with all those kids and that fucking St. Bernard, and I was, you know,

they were eating two meals a day, and maybe I was eating one. It just basically taught me that, I mean that there's no time to feel sorry for yourself because you're just going to, if you feel something for yourself, you're just going to keep saying you're going to sink deeper into the shit. And there were days, here's what I always tried to promise myself, is that, look, there may be days where I don't move forward. I just want to make sure I don't move any further backwards than I am.

So I used to always tell myself the saying was that I got to just keep my legs moving. Do you know what I mean? Because as long as I kept my legs moving, I wouldn't move backwards. And that was my main, at one point, I was just like, I can't move any further backwards. Like, I have to make sure that this is as low as I get. And as long as I keep my legs moving, eventually I'll move forwards. And that's basically what it was, every day. But you don't mean you were there.

You were on my couch. I saw the whole fucking thing evolved. Now, where can they buy this book tonight? Where can they pre-order tonight? If you go to Amazon.com and you search Josh Wolf, It takes balls is the name of the I told you that was it going to be the name of the book.

Right, right, no worries. So it takes balls with the name of the book. I like it. And it's also, man, like, look, there are tons of funny stories about their, like books out there from moms or, you know, telling their version.

And this is really, from a guy's point of view, like I said, there's nothing particularly nice about it. There's a lot of irreverent dirty shit in there, but it's what happened, you know? That's what happened. We stole a lot of shit to get by, but we did it, and we're here. We're fucking here. Hey, bro, like I said that, last week I was sitting next to the greatest, you know,

and I couldn't believe it, Josh Wolfe. You can't believe that we stuck it out here. We could have left years ago. Could have left years ago. I think we talked about, like, who was on that first comedy store lineup when we walked in and I don't know who's still around I don't know

and we both know that it's sticking around and just waking up and believing and something will happen every fucking day man yeah do you remember who we thought were the kings of that comedy store when we first got there in wheels yeah

who else Eddie Griffin was there a lot yeah Eddie Griffin was there all the time you know is he date I don't see him at all anywhere. Yeah, he's in Vegas Monday through Wednesday. He's got a room in Vegas.

I think he splits at Roseanne Barr or something like that where he sings and jumps up and down and stuff. And then he does the improvs on the weekend. A lot of people in Vegas now during the week. Roseanne Barr is in Vegas. A lot of people moving to Vegas during the weekend doing that day. Really? Yeah, yeah, why not?

You know, at that point, why not? So a lot of people... Weren't you going to do some Vegas? You know, I was going to do some Vegas? and they wanted me to stay at the Riviera, and you know what? I'm thinking, I'm trying to look for a place now

that I could go in once a month, Friday and Saturday at 10 or at midnight and talk shit for an hour and get the fuck out of there. At the ridge? No, it would be ideal for me anywhere. Like anywhere in Vegas, I could pick up a Friday and Saturday

a midnight show. I would love it. Once a month. Not with the UFC is there. Nothing to do with the UFC, nothing like that. Just pick a random fucking date and be there every month.

the third Friday and Saturday of the month and just go there and work out a combination stand-up type one-man show I'm getting older, so it's just pushing me there now. The faster I get there and pay the dues, the faster I get moving, cooking with oil. But I don't know what my next move is, you know.

I would think that that would be a perfect spot for a couple of late-night shows a month. I'll put a tuxedo on and sell people, be like red fox, tell people to suck my dick late night. I love it. When you used to go on stage when you first got to Seattle, you went on stage in a suit.

Well, the one suit I had, the one jacket. That was your court suit, your wedding suit, your funeral suit. That's everything rolled up in fucking one, man. That's just a... Now let me ask you this. Beside Amazon, any other portals we could go to?

Any what? Any other places we could go to, or you just have it on Amazon. That's it. I would just go Amazon. And what about pre-order? Is there any pre-ordering going on? because that pushes your numbers up.

If you pre-order it, it pushes the numbers up. You also get a better deal if you pre-order it. Please, go over there to Amazon. Look at Josh Wolf and look at the book. It takes balls. This is not a fucking joke guy that I know the dues he paid. I know what he suffered. I couldn't even look at him because I was a failure next to him.

He was raising a child. He was doing comedy, and he did what he had to do. And that was it. He was like the bull before he went to prison. You know, he just... He did what he had to do. And that's how we fucking make. it happen. What's going on with the family? How they doing?

Everybody's good, man. Come on. Where's Fredo at? Where's Fredo at? Fredo's in town. I saw him last night at at Jake's birthday party and Danny's, you know, they're all good, man. And Scott Wolf is still probably booking a pilot

every year, and Gary Wolf and Mike Wolf started a company where they direct to commercials. Good for that. Look at that. How about that? And my oldest brother's going to be 50 this in a couple days. Adam.

Well, fuck, I'm 50 already, so how we do that and shit? How we make that happen? I don't know, maybe you guys can go on the road together. I got enough fucking headaches. I love you, buddy. Thank you for calling in, my friend. You're a good man. Thank you. And have these people go. It takes balls. Go on Amazon. Take a look. I'm in there, and we have a lot

of great stories and history together. Thank you, Cocksucker. I love you. All right, buddy. Stay black. Love you. Bye. dare you have it bitch you're falling asleep over there like a fucking morton no that's a fellow Jew you should be over here saluting the flag of fucking Hanukkah

I wasn't falling asleep I was laughing You were laughing when you laughing about I could just imagine you walking in China They're all like my size and skinny And then you'll be there like what six feet towering over them that'd be hilarious Lee I'm gonna put this electronic cigarette out In your eyeball guy wouldn't do anything

It's a little electronic So you're down a 56-based Yeah, almost 57. You look good, you're making healthy, and you're doing good things for the church of what's happening now. Thank you very much. And thank you for all you,

cocksuckers for listening today. I know we went a little over today, but who gives a fuck, it's Monday. Go out there, live your life. Don't worry about Twitter, Facebook, sling dick. Like, you fuck it, you got it coming to you, which you do. You got it coming to you.

Go out there and make it happen. I want to thank my sponsors on it. Like I said, go to Onet. Get the protein powder. That T-plus, testosterone. I have not started it yet. But I have friends that have gone on it. and they said they've made some pretty good gains after a week and a half, two weeks.

Give it a fucking try. Always, Alpha Brain. I'm back on it again, and that's why I'm firing with two fucking cylinders this morning. Because Alpha Brain, you snort that shit and put one in your asshole, you're ready to fucking go. Joking. Just eat two of them. Fat Man Alert. Lee, juicing, the whole fucking deal.

I love you, cock suckers. Thank you very much. Go to Joey Diaz.net. We got the shirts. We got the hooties. We got the fucking, what else? The long sleeve commemorative. The church of what's happened now

to help us with Lipson and whatever the fuck we got. We got the flying Jew insignia. Look at him. He's looking like a little fucking Arab every day. Don't forget I'm in Sacramento this Thursday, Friday, Saturday. But I need your help in Miami for the Miami of the South Beach Comedy Festival sponsored by Comedy Central

with down there with Bill Burr. I'm performing April 19th. I need that to sell out to add a second show on April 20th. Lee Syatt's going to come down there with me and be the MC that night and bring me up and say hello. with a tuxedo on, a Jew with a tuxedo on.

No, it's going to be fucking bad. That's what happens if we get added on the 20th. So I love you guys. Go to the Comedy Central one or go to South Beach Comedy. It was on this morning on my Twitter. And that's it. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. I want to thank Josh Wolf for calling in.

Let him know, again, go to Amazon. It takes balls. Support. He's part of our fucking family at the church. What's happening? Now, Lee, what do you got to all these people? I do videos for my weight loss every night. Just follow me on Twitter.

Lee S-Y-E-E-S-Y-A-T-T. We put up a new Matt Flavors World last night, so go check that out. Thank you, Lee. Yeah, and then... To set from Flappers, you tape. Yeah, yeah. I just put a bit to... Tape, you told me to get it together, Cocksuckers.

It's very funny. But is Soul Shine a good song by Almond Brothers, Soul Shine? Oh, yeah. Anything by the Omen Brothers. But, yeah, that's it. Wednesday morning. We love you, motherfuckers. And next Wednesday. live podcast, Lee Syatt

and Benny Curdo at the Ice House. Get tickets now. 626-577, 1894. Live podcast monologue. I want to try it. What have you got to lose? Tickets are $10. Who gives a fuck?

And I don't have to work after, so I'll stay late and let Joey bust my balls. And smokes and dope. I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great day. We'll see you Wednesday at 6 a.m.