The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #032 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: January 20, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Today, we talk about accusations. Again. This episode is brought to you DraftKings, Lucy.CO & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.draftkings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.lucy.co and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.cbdlion.com and enter Code: JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, January 20th. The joint is brought to you by Draft Kings. This is the week if you're going to make money. Oh my God. If you're thinking about making some Getus and having some fun at the same time, this is the week and Draft Kings has the fun for you. It starts tonight. You got Boston versus Philly. You got Sack versus Golden State. Then you got Saturday. You got Connor McGregor steps back into the ring. Now, if you want to be a piece of history, go to Draft Kings, the official betting partner of the UFC. And this weekend, they got a deal that no one else could match. You ready?

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Now let's get this fucking party started. There's the fucking lighter. Candles lit, lick, cock suckers. What's happened? What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday the 20th of the January election day. I hope you get to watch this early I'm putting it out at 7 in the morning

so you get to watch this before the drama starts so maybe nothing will happen I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen but it's a beautiful day to be alive that's all you need to know first thing I want to start off with is this all right guys listen I just had surgery

if for some reason I got to get up and go to the bathroom you got to work with me okay you got to work with me let me tell you what happened as you know I had surgery maybe 10 days ago on the 8th, today's the 19th,

yeah, like 11 days ago. Before the surgery, I remember talking to Tom Segura, and he said that they gave him so much shit during the surgeries he had that he didn't go to the bathroom for a fucking week. I'm like, God damn,

I forgot all about that, that the pills constipation and whatnot. They filled me up with so much, I don't know what it's called, dude, some fucking drug, dilated and fucking viking. and Vicodins at the hospital. They filled me up with everything good.

And then I came home with the oxycontins. And I swear to you guys that I have been taking them by the book. I've even cut back on them. I'm doing the CBD with them. The whole thing. They gave me nine fucking prescriptions of pills, basically, when I left the hospital. From vitamin C to, like, you know, pharmacy vitamin C, that good shit.

Not the fucking shit that's chalky to... They gave me aspirin. gave me a different type of Tylenol. They gave me something for my anxiety, which would make you kill yourself. I'm not taking that shit. I'm not taking none of that shit. Zoloft or some shit.

But they gave me like these two pills that you have to take at night. So I take them at 7.30 just to stay. And they go right through your fucking system and cut right through the shit. And eventually you shit. So the first thing they told me when I left the hospital that Saturday was,

Joey, don't forget these. These are the most important things. And, you know, keep your diet light for a few days. You're not going to go to, you know, you're not going to be able to go to the bathroom. So, fucking, I've been, the first night I took them. I mean, as soon as you take them and you drink water, you can feel the pills go down in your throat.

And then, like, two minutes later, you just feel like, like somebody just grabbed your inside and just squeezed them for a second. Like, your whole body just goes, like, the whole thing just burps like that. you just feel it, go down to your stomach, and then you hear some rumblings. But I didn't go to the bathroom, guys. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday.

When I first went to the bathroom, Scouts honor. You went Monday, because he told me to wear a suit when I came over. That's right. That's right. I told him to wear a fucking hazmat suit. It took me four days. The first shit was four days. think and what came out of my ass smelled so bad that I had to call Mike and tell him to wear

or whatever I didn't let my wife down here I mean if you thought if you thought that bus ride in East Orange when the chilies when the Mr. Barone told me that I was changing flavors if you thought that smelled bad what's come out of my little muffler since then and it just like it started with that one and then it took like another 12 hours to get another bowel movement but let me tell you something this weekend I literally on the toilet. I'm talking about every fucking hour on the hour, 20 inches of unadulterated fucking shit coming out of my muffler. I'm sitting there sweating bullets, you know, the whole fucking thing. Plus, I got to use the fucking roll on to go in there and then to get up.

And I got to take a poop with my leg sticking out. It's terrible. You can't even write this shit. So this has been going on since, you know, like it started off slow. And then the pills really took control of the asshole and what's been coming out is like I gotta be weary. Like I gotta stay close to the house and all this shit. So, yesterday morning I wake up and I do two

podcasts, two short podcasts for Patreon. For some reason it won't let me send a longer podcast. And it's an easier podcast. It's 30 minutes. It's just a couple songs, some me talking shit. And it's more intimate than this podcast.

I enjoy it to be I I enjoy it as much as I enjoy this one I I enjoy any time I got to talking to a mic I'm having a good time I enjoy it you know and I'm doing it yesterday morning because I get up on Tuesday morning I usually drink some coffee hang out and then I do it take a shower get ready do it and then I send it to my managers and then my manager puts it up for me so I come in here usually just the same way I do this one I don't turn on the lights or nothing. It's not visual. It's just audio. I have the little microphone. I stick it into the iPhone. And I got the iPad and I play music and I make my notes and I talk shit. Well, I'm fucking taping a podcast and I'm actually talking about like, you know, it's been rough. I've had to go to the

bathroom a lot, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. In the middle of the podcast, I had to go to the bathroom. So I didn't know what to do. I can't stop it and restart it. So this is what I did. I actually picked up the little microphone and my cell phone without hitting the fucking button. And I took the thing and I wheeled myself into the fucking bathroom. And I actually put it on the counter and I kept talking. And I took a shit while I kept talking about why this music inspires me. I was talking about the pretend there's one and two albums, why they, you know, why they inspire me so much. But I couldn't tell them or you guys, some of you just listened to that podcast also.

I couldn't tell you guys I was shit in one. person actually wrote, you're a G, I can hear you piss laying down. How do you think I'm gonna piss laying fucking down? Hell no, I'm standing up when I fucking piss. I actually took a shit and pissed. I tried to piss as quietly as I could so the microphone wouldn't pick it up, but the microphone picked up. If you listen to it, you hear me pissing. I didn't flush. I just ran out of there and I flush that for the podcast. I washed my hands with fucking the deodorizer and I worked it on the towel and I threw the towel and the fucking. I fucking. thing to get washed already.

But that's what my day was like this yesterday morning. And I couldn't stop the podcast. What am I going to do? Stop and start all over from scratch again? You're on a roll. You got momentum going. So, if for that reason, if today I got to stop the podcast in any moment, it's because I got to go to the bathroom.

All right. And we got that story out of the way. Because I don't want no misunderstandings here that Joey sold me a short fucking script. No. It was, I got to go to the fucking bathroom. And when you got to go, you got to fucking go. It's funny, I got a few emails about the accusation podcast. Thank you for listening to it.

And it's, you know, listen, man, it comes to the territory. When you're a guy like me and you do things, you're going to get accused of other things of that nature. You know, and the accusations never stop. So, you know, by you guys hit me back and telling me, it reminded me of other fucking things that I've been accused. Like I got accused of robbing a house in 94. In Boulder,

by a girl I was tight friends with. Now, at this time, I wasn't robbing houses at all. I wasn't doing anything on that kind of shit, robbing a fucking house. I was calm as hell. I was doing comedy.

Yeah, I was doing returns and shit at the Kmart and stuff like that. But I wasn't robbing no houses. I wasn't, and nobody knew I was doing this shit. It was too, embarrassing to tell people. I'm trying to be a comedian and I'm still fucking shoplifting. Are you fucking retarded? But I got a cute. I knew this girl really well. I knew her so well. I got her boyfriend a fucking job. Like I liked her and her boyfriend so much. I got her

boyfriend a job. Back in 91, we were tight friends. And she had a buddy who sold weed in a complex that was next to mine. Did I like the guy? I liked them, but he wasn't my best friend. I didn't dislike him. It's not that I did. He disliked him. He wasn't my best friend. Let's just say that. He was an acquaintance through her. And she wanted me to get him the same job I got her boyfriend. So I couldn't get him that job anymore. I didn't know the people anymore. I wasn't connected to him. And she kept bugging me, bugging me, bugging me, bugging me. Then he kept bugging me, bugging me about the job. And then one night, this was right after I got separated. This was in the realm of my separation. So I got separated. I'm arguing with my wife about the kid.

I'm arguing with my wife about life, about who gets the couch, who gets the fucking car, how we're going to sell the condo. I got all these things going at me. And in the middle of all this, I get this accusation that was so far out of left field, especially in who I was at that time. I had already done time. I had already gotten my life together. I got into comedy. I was away from all that. I wasn't robbing drug dealers.

Nothing at this time. I was doing drugs, and I was having a good old time, but I wasn't robbing. houses. This fucking lady and she was a weed dealer and she actually called the cops. And they had the whole scenario painted down. Like behind my house where I

lived on Iris, Iris on street or whatever, 30th and Iris and Boulder, there was a Kmart and then across from there where I lived, there was like a Laudizio restaurant, there was a liquor store, there was Murphy's Bar and Grill, there was the hair cutting place,

there was the fucking in the little Italian place, the dude, I told him I was in the mafia. He kept accusing me. I've been in the mafia that I was a relocated witness. So I finally told him off. If you keep telling people, I'm in the fucking mafia,

you're going to get me in trouble in this fucking town. They kept telling people I was in the mafia. I'm not in the fucking mafia. I'm fucking Cuban. So finally, I just told the guy, all right, I'm in the mafia. Now that you blew my secret, you're going to pay a fucking Vig.

So you're going to give me 300 a fucking week. I did shit like that. I'm not going to lie to you. But I wasn't burglaring. No houses. Trust me. I was far from it. That's embarrassing.

You know what I'm saying? Berglerized in the fucking house. They even, because I went to think there was a pizza place called Abo's. I went to Abo's there. And I don't know what time I went there.

Like I had the baby that night or something till like seven and then I went to get a slice and then I was going to do comedy. And about a week later. And it wasn't, guess who told me? My ex-wife came to me.

And she goes, I can't believe you robbed whatever's house. I'm like, are you fucking serious? And it was going to be a, it was all. It was almost into divorce.

Like, she kept fucking talking about. And I'm like, first of all, you know that girl's a weed dealer. So if I robbed any of their house, they're saying I robbed weed from them. You're going to get them in fucking trouble. Oh, no. They know for a fact that you robbed him. And somebody's a dog, till this, that was 95.

It's 2021. I forget what the people's name was or whatever. And that's what it does. For a guy like me, it doesn't bother me at all that you accuse me to something I didn't do this. It hurts my feelings. it's completely different it hurts my feelings

it's a couple years ago remember six years ago out of fucking nowhere out of nowhere we're doing a podcast we're having a great time and Doug Stanhope the great Doug Stanhope

accuses me of robbing his chains jar or something like that like I was blown the fuck away like I'm like change jaw I could see and I didn't rob his chain jaw

and he said it to me to break my balls I was very hurt by him I wasn't angry I was very hurt that I've known Doug since 1992. We've had 2,000 conversations. And one day when he's on a podcast,

on the left field, he says, you accuse me of stealing my change jar, whatever the fuck. I was blown the fuck away. I'm like, in 2016, whatever that was, 2015, you're going to come to me and tell me, I robbed the change jar from you in 2000 something. Like, first of all, for people who don't know.

I've known Doug Stanhope since 1992. We reconnected in 1995 in Seattle. It was Doug Stanhope who talked me into going into Los Angeles for comedy. Once I got to Los Angeles, Doug Stanhope, and I'm not ashamed to say this, gave me money out of his own pocket to live a couple times because I opened up for him on New Year's Eve. He asked me, what did the guy pay you for New Year's Eve? I told $250 for five shows. Doug Stanhope got pissed.

He goes, you were worth a lot more than $250 to me. He gave me like $500, and then I saw him again one night at the thing. I actually moved in with Doug Stanhope in 92 when I lived with him. He was giving me cash. He was a guy that I went to look at and said, Doug, I need $20 for fucking gas. And he gave me his car and $20 to put in there for gas to use his car.

That's the type of guy, Doug Stanhope, when you got a friend like that, you don't rob those people. There's no reason to rob him. Doug give me the shirt off their back. At that time, Doug Stanhope was supporting like eight people, and I was one of them. I mean, he wasn't really, really, really supporting me. He was letting me stay on his house for free, and he was giving me 20s from time to time. I mean, I only stayed with Doug for like two months or something like that.

But he was my friend. And even after I left Doug's, I still kept going over there. Ralphie Mae lived there for a while. was there. The mother came and lived with them. I was always at Doug Stanhope's house. You want me to tell you something? Man, I was thinking about this the other day. L.A. changed when Doug Stanhope left. At least it did for me. See, Doug Stanhope had everybody in check in L.A. That little fucking skinny dude that you see like that all fucking crazy, he had fucking people scared, especially the half of fags that hang out at the improv and shit like that because he would go into the improv and lay a beating on

those motherfuckers on stage so they would try to get him banned because they didn't want to follow him this is when comedy was very buck wild but it wasn't ready for the likes of dug stanhope Doug stanhope took l.A. by fucking storm i still remember mitsy sure didn't even know what to do with Doug stanhope that's how good he was Mitsy sure, I remember one Saturday night, the first week I was in town, Doug Stanhope, had an 8.30 spot at the comedy store, 845. Mitzie didn't know he was a powerhouse. She hadn't seen him enough. She passed him and then I kind of forgot about him. Like he was never there. He's a road dog. He was never there only when he was in town. But when Doug Stanhope was in L.A., everybody was kept in check. I'm talking everybody. Because if you're viewing, you're

you fucked up, Stan Hope's wrath came down on you. And that's a wrath at that time that was worse than fucking death. I mean, I remember him going to the improv, and he had those white boys fucking dying. The people, the comics that I'm not at the improv in those days, and the comics that I'm not at the comedy store with two different fucking sets. Everybody looked down at the comedy store.

The comedy store was like a den of thieves for fucking, for drug people and shit like that. I still remember Josh Wolf telling me that his mom. management told them don't go to the comedy store dog that's got a bad rip in the early 2000s the comedy store was fucking rough and tumble and the comics from there would branch out to other places some of them and they would cause fucking chaos and nobody was causing more nobody caused more chaos in l.a from the time i got there to i don't know when doug left l. i know he still has an apartment in l. i don't think he lives there anymore no he doesn't he lives down in the fucking

in Arizona down there with the rest of those lunatics. But once he left, it was when people started acting the way they did. When Doug Stanhope was in town, that shit wasn't going on those clubs, because Doug Stanhope had everybody in fucking check. It was hysterical the shit they were doing to people, to comics. He was blowing comics out. He would rock so hard at the fucking improv that three comics behind them couldn't follow him. Never mind, the guy behind them was worried.

three guys behind them. He was getting banned every other week from the improv for saying shit. I remember they did a benefit for a burn victim one night, some poor burn guy, and they put him in the front row with like a skipper's hat on, and he had like that stuff that they put on you when you just got caught in the fire like gauze, and Doug Stanhope went up there with a couple beers in him, and nobody was laughing at his jokes, like people just left. But Doug Stanel was like, what the fuck is real problem? Even this guy, this fucking burnt guy is over here fucking laugh.

He said something to that effect, and he got banned for like a month. I mean, and the comics will get pissed like comics, you know, will go like, I can't believe he acted. It's a fucking joke. It's a fucking, he was joking around. That's what the improv is. It's a fucking comedy club. And he was going down there and just lighting him up.

And then when they wouldn't take him the more, he would come to the comedy store. Going back to that story, I'll never forget my first Saturday at that comedy store. at that comedy store with that motherfucker. He had like an 845 spot. I was good friends with the girl that had to follow him. I forget what her name was right now. I mean, she wasn't at the store at the end. She hasn't been at the store and maybe...

I've been off Coke 13 years, right? 2007, 13 years? Yeah. Because Marilyn died. And I got off Coke. And she was good friends. of Maryland. And I forget what her name was. Sweetheart of a girl. Funny, but not funny enough to handle Doug fucking Stanhope. Like, I'll never forget that. I didn't even know her. And I looked

and I go, who's following you, Doug? And he goes, that girl there. And I go, oh, this is not going to be good. Doug Stanhope went up there and proceeded to destroy that room. And I'll never forget there was a lesbian sitting in the front row, like a heavy-duty chubby lesbian with the cut, the side burns, the whole fucking thing. And Doug Stanhope popped his head up and he goes, what the fuck is this? Look at this fucking lesbo. This is a real lesbo. This ain't one of you, L.A. lesbos that, you know, do it part time or whatever.

This one here, she plays softball. She's got a cock pump. I mean, he just fucking drilled into an armament as him is him getting off. And about 20 minutes later, like he left, he had another spot. and I saw that chubby little lesbian with her chubby girlfriend and she was crying on a fucking shoulder and Stanhope said nothing to her bat.

Stanhope, I mean, the girl walked in there with the shirts rolled up and the cigarettes in the fucking sleeve. I mean, if you want to play with the big boys, if you're a woman and you rolled your fucking cigarettes up in your sleeve, when somebody, you know, you don't get mad when somebody says something to you,

especially if you're a lesbian, and he didn't go off on her with, like, how an asshole would go off on. He went off on her and a brilliant. You know how he fucking goes on his rants. They're brilliant rants. But all I remember catching from it was the line of the night that he goes,

this is a real fucking lesbian. She's got a fucking cock pump. She plays double-headed on Saturday. She doesn't shave her snatch. I mean, he was just fucking going off. And fucking, she got, I mean, you know, like everybody in L.A., it hits him 20 minutes later.

While everybody's laughing and having a good time, she was great. Then 20 minutes later, when Stanhope left, she was outside complaining. I've never been insulted like that before in my life. Well, you got fucking sideburns and you're a woman. Somebody's eventually going to fucking say something to you. You know what I'm saying?

I mean, I don't know where I come up with this shit from. It just happens and you got to look at it and go, what the fuck kind of life have you lived? This is comedy, people. Your feelings can't be hurt every time somebody says something off fucking color. Now we're back to this shit now. People get mad or whatever. Listen, I've lost some followers over the weeks.

I think people quit Twitter. because Trump quit Twitter, so people going off the fucking Twitter and people going off of Facebook because they're saying, private, look, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck's going on. All I do know is, we've got a new president today. Do you want to know what I feel?

Dick. I don't feel dick about dick. I don't care if we got a new one. I don't care if the old one stays. I don't care if they bring back Kennedy. Do what you want to do. I still got to get up every day and poor Mike still got to wear a fucking mask. Bring back.

Kennedy, dig him up. Dig him up with half his fucking head. I don't give a fuck. You still got to get up every morning. You still got to live your life. Your loved ones are dying. You're out of fucking work. And now I got to worry about who's fucking president.

I just hope they do the right thing. Whoever the fuck it is, Biden, Camilla. I don't know. Conspiracy theories. The fucking people are going to get shot today. They just busted some guy last night that was going to shoot a missile at fucking New York. Did you see that shit?

I mean, who the fuck knows? So this is the last time he's seen. whatever whatever fucking Khabib says Kamala'am. Whatever the fuck he says,

God be it. I don't know. I came to you earlier this morning to let you know I love you and we had a great time together.

I don't know what's going to happen after today. If they're going to take down the internet, they're going to bomb us. We're going to bomb them.

I don't know, but my heart goes out to you as cock-suckers whatever you've decided to do. Anyway, what else is going on in my fucking world?

I got a thousand things. If it ain't one thing, it's the fucking other. Now I'm getting accused of something every week, and I'm starting to love it now. I'm starting to love it now. This is started, this little fucking te te te I'm going to tell you, started two fucking years ago. Two years ago, I went to play a club with Kate Quigley and fucking my man, Dean Del Rizzi. We went to play a fucking club.

As I do when I work with people, you know, when we work together, we fly in, I think we flew in Thursday night together. We hung out late in one of the rooms. We ordered room service. We ate. Everybody goes back to their room. And then the next morning we woke up. You know, we had breakfast on our own. And then I usually meet wherever I take with me on the road.

And we do whatever the fuck we're going to do. So I fucking. I get to the hotel, me, Dean and Kate, hang out, whatever. We go to bed, we wake up Friday morning. We got that night, Friday night, and I think we got Boston on Saturday night. I'm telling you guys the story right now. And before I was leading, you know, before I come to a town, people will hit me up and go, hey, I'm excited, I've got two tickets, I can't wait to see you,

I were going to be able to take a picture, you know, people always. This is a week before I come to your town. I start getting little Twitter messages, Facebook messages, whatever. People who ask me, and I communicate, yeah, I'm going to be in. You know, so thank you. You know, I always answer back.

I'm not a big comedy star, so I always try to answer back as much as I can. So I answered whoever sent me this thing, and I said, yeah, great, man, I'll see you at the fucking show. Okay. Now, I don't know about people's personal lives. I don't know what you do before you come to the show.

whether you robbed the bank. I don't know. I don't know if you came from a dealer's house. I don't know if you raped somebody. I don't know. I don't know. I don't ask you at the fucking door. Okay?

I don't know. I don't know what reasons you're there for. I don't know what you expect from me. I don't know. All I'm going to do is do a show. I'm going to do a show. When I go on the road, I have no expectations of anything. I bring my own weed.

I bring my own edibles. And I try to keep it as contained. as I can. What do you mean by contained? I try to roll, you know, I was doing two podcasts a week, plus an extra one, whatever. I was raising a kid. I was working out. I was helping my wife. And then on the weekend, I would go on the road. So for me, going on the road between us is like a fucking vacation. Like to go on the road for three days between us is like a vacation for me. What does that mean? To be strictly honest to you, I'll tell you. When I went on the road early on, it was miserable.

I went on the road by myself. When I started comedy, I started 91, I can't believe I'm going to be involved with comedy 30 years this year. February is going to be 30 years that I'm involved with comedy because I actually got a job at a comedy club as a doorman and watched. So I've been involved with comedy for 30 fucking years. So 95, when I started doing triple runs. and stuff. I was, you know, I was an old guy. I was already 32. Yeah, 32, 95. But, like, I was young still. I was a young comic at 32. What did that mean? I went out to fucking be a comic. I went out to party, to do drugs, and to have sex. That's it. What do you become a comic

for when you're sing when you're 32? To fucking bring a Bible and read in your hotel room? No. You go on the road to fucking get high. And I just, I didn't, I didn't. I didn't start comedy. At that time, I was just a road comic. I didn't want to go to Hollywood. I didn't want to do movies. I wasn't good enough.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I was in prison. I'm going to be lucky if they do a background check to let me in the club. Never mind TV and commercials and shit like that podcast.

I just want to be a fucking comic. Okay? So when I first started going on the road, I was a feature act, which means you're a fucking understudy, which means you're a sack of shit. So you go out, you get, you know, $250 for five shows on New Year's weekend, okay? And that's the type of money you make.

Some places will pay you $75 a show. So my expectations were low. I would go out, go to the hotel room. Yeah, you got to eat the free food at the bar because you don't have money to go to a restaurant. So you eat whatever they give you at the bar. Onion rings, that's why I got up to $418 fucking pounds, because you're eating all this fried fucking shit. But my first to 2002, I went on the road by myself.

And some rooms, then when I moved to L.A., and I became a regular at the store, I started headlining some rooms. So I would go out to some rooms as a feature, and I would do C rooms and D rooms as a headline. You know, it was every man for himself. You want to hear stories? I got a thousand stories. The triple runs, you know, fucking Idaho Falls. you know, American Falls, the Air Force base up there in Idaho.

You know, when you do triple runs, they're from probably, I don't know, in those days, there was another company that booked Milwaukee, but whatever's opposite to the west of Milwaukee, to Wisconsin, and in is all Tribbleville, and then going down, which is Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico, Northern California. He had a partner that booked North. Northern California. All of Oregon was tribbles and a lot of stuff in Washington. Yakima, it doesn't matter. Tacoma, a lot of stuff was triple runs. Those rooms are a motel six. You go on the road. You eat. Sometimes you get laid. Sometimes you don't. You sleep with a waitress,

whatever. But then I moved to L.A. and I went out as a headline about myself at first. I was eating shit. I had a bag of shit. And Jacksonville, I had a bag of shit on all the creative runs. I remember dying, such a slow death in Charlotte. They wouldn't even take my calls no more. I was so fucking bad. This is going back to 98, 99. But then I got a new treat in life.

A friend of them by the name of Joe Rogan started taking me on the road. And that was a great experience. Because with Joe, it was just great. It was me, Chris McGuire, and Joe at first. I was the MC. And then, you know, Chris. This wasn't a regular at the store. Chris is more of a writer.

Chris is a great guy. He just hit me up two days ago to check up on me in the knee. Still talk to him. This is 98. Chris went on to write, and then Joe took me on the road. I was always having problems, like drug problems and stuff. So that's why Joe started bringing Ari also and Duncan. And it was just a fucking party.

I mean, Joe Rogan is such a great guy, and he was so fucking generous with us that he need three openers? No, but he still took us. And he watched me and he schooled me. And I'll tell you what, man, I loved Joe's way. Sorry, I was looking at what I thought. I saw a spider. Every once in a while you see a little fucking spider downstairs. I like the way Joe treated me. The reason I treat feature acts or people who work for me, the way I do is because the way Joe Rogan treated me when I worked for him. Whenever you have a chance, if he'd like, hit Leah and go was Joey a fucking gentleman with you.

I took Lee to comedy shows at the Ice House. I didn't take Lee on the road because I had other comics that worked and were feature acts and had to go on the road. But anything Lee did with me, Lee got a dollar. Lee got money. And Mike is the same way. Mike, I give weed.

Whatever I get, I'm in one of those guys. In for a penny, in for a pound. That's a school of thought I come from. And you could go out to reach out to Dean Delray, reach out to Felicia, who I spoke to today, yesterday. It was a great conversation. I realized how much I loved her.

You know, you could reach out to anybody who's opened for me. I take care of them. I take care of them because Rogan took care of me. Weed, whatever, edibles, malanga pills, whatever. I mean, me and Ari have stories in Duncan about fucking being in Houston, Texas. And there was this guy who still comes to my shows today 20 years later, who used to bring us jars of vikadins and shit. And we didn't know what to do with them.

Like, we're like, what do we do with these? We would give them away at the club. loved all the comics and shit like that. But that's how long. When I went on the road with Joe Rogan, I learned how to, like, he taught me how to economize, how to make the best out of my road work.

Like how to do it the most efficient way. You know, you're flying the night before. You go to, like, Joe Rogan's a fucking out. Joe Rogan would take us like, he'd ask the concert of the area at the hotel. What's the best restaurant in town? This one. Let's go. We go to the best restaurant in town. Get what you want on the fucking menu. I think he's my brother. Why do I think I love him so much? What I think I laugh at you guys. I laugh at the people who make remarks about him because he helped so many fucking comics. He helped groom so many comics. And I was one of them. He helped groom me. I was like his fucking Frankenstein. He helped groom me. He would tell me, go up there, say that fucking joke. Fuck it. Commit. Do it. He would like.

I could name 10 comics that told me not to say that joke in front of me. You're too crazy. You're un-wild. He fucking loved it. He fucking loved it. And the crazier I was, the more he loved it. You know who's the same way about me? Gabriel Laceous.

The crazy, you remember that Comedy Central show he had that he put me on? He paid for the show to put me on. He went to war with Comedy Central. He's like, put on a suit and come out, fucking throw in heat. I love those motherfuckers because of that, because they had my back. So because those guys treated me the way they did, this is the way I treat my fucking features. So I go all out with these motherfuckers. So anyway, back to the fucking story.

So me, Kate and Dean, go eat. And on the way back, it's a casino. We asked the security guy where we'd go smoke. The guy asks us, he goes, you guys aren't smoking in the room. Why are you? We're like, no. Because if you want to go smoke, I got a spot. for you. So.

The security guy. Yeah, the security guy, this is great. So me, Dean, Dean doesn't smoke weed and near this Kate, but that's kind enough to come with me. And we go outside to the smoking balcony, and we smoke this junk. Now, one of the people who told me they were coming to the show that they bought tickets and the whole thing,

I'm not going to mention no names on here, but that person came up to me and said, said, hi, I'm coming to your show. I'm excited, blah, blah, blah, blah. She smoked the weed on us. She goes, did you guys just smoke? We go, yeah, we're so sorry, but we might smoke later on. I think Kate even stayed with her and hung out with her.

Kate went somewhere with her. Well, they went to the bar for a drink. The show ends. I don't see. I go back up to my room, you know. Like I said, when I go on the road is to fucking relax, guys. I couldn't, I could. I could name you in the last since, what have we been doing this, since 2013 to 2020,

the February 29th to 2020, my last road week. I could name the 10 people who have been in my hotel room and 10 people whose hotel room I've been in. Like Dean always comes in my hotel room. You know, Kate Quigley always comes to my hotel room. If I'm in Vegas, if I do Vegas and I bring. bring them with me. I get such a big room that I order food and they give me a food allotment. I order food and I tell them to come over. I'll call them and go, what do you want from the menu? Look, I order it. We all eat together in my room. On this particular day, we went to one of the

restaurant from the casino. We went downstairs. People were coming up to us, but this particular person came up to us and said, how are you guys doing? You know, blah, blah, blah, bah. Oh, it's a shame that you guys smoked already. I wanted to smoke with you. I go, listen, we might come back and smoke later on, and we'll give you a fucking call. Or we'll let you know. Are you staying in a hotel room? Yeah, whatever. Now, between you and me guys, when you have a secret spot at a casino, you don't really want to smoke with 20 people.

Because then it's not a secret no more. Now they blow up your fucking spot. So I didn't, we didn't come down again. I think I popped edibles. I went out there, and I did. my time. We all did our time. And then what do you do at a casino? I go outside. And I took pictures and shaked hand with people. I go back to my room and the next morning we're headed to Boston. And on the drive to Boston, Kate goes, did we see that girl at the show? I go, no. She didn't

fucking take a picture with us. All that fucking, all those emails and shit. And, you know, she didn't take a picture with us. I don't know what the fuck happened. We go to Boston. You know, I don't have Facebook on the road. So I go to Boston. I do the two shows in Boston. We get up Sunday morning. We got on JetBlue and we head back to L.A. Never thought about it again. I get into my fucking house. I go on Facebook and I got a message from the girl telling me that she passed out. That she passed out. She got drunk and she can't fucking believe it. She's angry at herself for not coming to the show she wanted to kick herself in the ass and i said listen i'm sorry it happened also i go next time i do boston or something like that i'll just throw you a ticket or whatever

the last last time i did boston i offered a ticket and she couldn't go so i didn't think not nothing nothing you know how it goes you live your life boom i think about four months later i got an email that from some guy that fucking his girlfriend came to my show that she left him at his house and she went to the show that means she came to the show and she wanted to fuck one of us or she he's accused us or whatever he doesn't know if it's me or dean and i'm fucking laughing my ass off i'm like this is the shit that it doesn't piss me off but it just goes to whatever i didn't think nothing of it. I didn't even answer. I got this email. I didn't

even know what they were talking about. They said their girlfriend came to the show and didn't take a boyfriend with him. So what would you do, Mike? If your girlfriend went to a show without you, do you go back and go what the fuck happened? We were supposed to go to a show together? I don't know. I don't know what type of people do this. I don't know what's going on.

So all I know is... What's that? What an email the comic? No. I don't fucking know. I don't know nothing. I get back. I say, okay, so she got drunk and she I didn't make it to the show. I didn't know nothing. Now I got an email from the girl's boyfriend that he left her there. That fucking, that means she was up to know good. This girl's a good girl. From what I see on Facebook, she's a mom, for Christ's sake. But I also thought about a roommate, not a roommate. I had a friend that I lived with, and he let a friend of his stay on the couch for a few months after his divorce. And I remember that he, you know, I would try to be like an ear to this guy. And I would ask them, why did you, you know, why did your wife throw you out or whatever? And, you know, the first two weeks, it was always the same story.

We didn't get along. She's a fucking cunt. That da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-da. You know, whatever. And I took it. You know, I had just gotten separated. So I just, you know, we're just in ear for each other. The guy had a weird name.

His name was Mudge. So that's what we called him. His street name was Mudge, Fudge, or something. I don't know. He tells me. me after two weeks he goes you know what the real problem was and I go what was the problem he goes back in high school she fucked a friend of mine I go whoa whoa so you've been with this chicks in his high school he goes no we went to high school together we graduated she went to a college

I went to a college and then when we came back we went to work at the summer program and we both met at the summer program and we you know we had the same friends and blah blah blah blah And then we got married. Everything was fine. I think one night she told him, like after they were married. So this happened. And when I stayed with my friend Manny, it had to be 94, 93. And I was 31 years old.

This guy was a few years older than me. And I'm like, what? And he goes, did this whole fucking thing start? Because she slept with a friend of mine in high school. I go, were you with her? And he goes, no, I wasn't with her. But it doesn't fucking matter. She's a fucking whore.

And I'm like, you got kids with her. You got kids with her. And you're fucking ringing up somebody she slept with, like her junior year in high school that she didn't know you. But there's guys that are out there like that. That they'll love to fucking pick fights with women over something they did before you were fucking around. Listen, go upstairs to my wife right now

and tell her something I did before we met. She'll go go fuck yourself. Like the time when the blow job from 97, And she goes, I got no claim in that fucking blowjob. That's what a real person does. You can't control what your girlfriend did before she met you or what your boyfriend did. You accept them for who they are today, and you live with it.

If you don't like it, then don't date them no more. If you got a problem with them sleeping somebody that in 1980-fucking seven, and it bothers you still today, I think you got a fucking problem. So that's all he said to me. I think you slept with my girlfriend. Somebody slept with her. She wouldn't have left without me.

I know her. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay. What do you want me to do? Nobody slept with her. Like I said, I didn't see her after that. So, what the fuck do you want from me now? So now, every month, I'm getting hit from this guy.

Hey, man, you ruined the relate. What the fuck are you talking about? So yesterday morning I wake up. Did you see that? Somebody posted my address? No. Like a fake address. On Twitter?

Yeah, on Twitter. Like on Twitter or on Instagram or whatever. They post like a face thing. They're going to come beat me up because I slept with their girlfriend and all this shit. I haven't slept with nobody. Who the fuck wants to sleep with me?

What the fuck wants to sleep with me? Do you know what I'm saying? This girl, I got this girl by 20 fucking years. She wouldn't look at my dick. She's a fan of the fucking podcast and she's a fan of Rifa. That's what she's a fan of. She's not a fan of fucking Joey Deer.

She doesn't give a fuck. She wouldn't, nobody came to those shows to fucking sleep with me. Unless you're fucking crazy. Unless you're fucking crazy. I'm an old fucking man. But till this day... Have you heard from her?

Oh, yeah. You know, on Facebook, we talked from time to time. She never brought it up. But yesterday morning, she was calling me fucking on Facebook, you know? What's that thing?

The messenger? Messinger? I didn't hear it. I don't hear it. I don't know what the fuck people think that... Are you supposed to hear a phone ring on messenger? Sometimes you have a setting, right? And what do you hear?

Like, my mind just isn't odd. Sometimes it just sounds like a phone ring and it's like a messenger phone call. Oh, no, I never get it. I don't hear nothing. But this is what I'm talking about. I mean, so, you know, in my world,

accusations have been flying since day fucking one. But this one is just so fucking far-fetched. And for it to still be going on, two years fucking later, either, you should have dumped it by now if you didn't trust it.

Because that's what this is basically about that you don't fucking trust him. So, Then just dump her. But you're going to come after me. You're going to say things to Dean. You're going to say things to Cammie? What the fuck is wrong with you?

What the fuck is wrong with people? And that's what's been eaten. That's what eats at me. Listen, you know how many times people have hit me up already since I've been doing the podcast and said to me, you motherfucker, I knew was you who robbed me in 83. I'm happy you admitted it on the fucking podcast. I was going crazy.

You know how many of those I've gotten? 20. And we're all cool. It happened fucking. There's a chick's house I robbed December 18th, 1983. Guess what? I still talked to her on the phone. She found out through a podcast that I robbed her,

and she fucking hunted me down, called me, and she's like, you fucking robbed me, you son of a bitch? Guess what? I was going to call her two years. I was talking to it two years ago, by going up to Aspen and visiting her. She had me a condo for me and my wife and the kid. That's how cool I am with people now.

They just wanted to know the truth. That's it. I'll tell you the fucking truth. If you want a little truth, I'll tell you the fucking truth. I didn't sleep with nobody. Nobody. If you look at my dick and balls, let me tell you what happened. Let me tell you how bad things are when you're 58 years old.

So I got a, I can't, you know, when I got home from the hospital, they told me I couldn't fucking, I couldn't take a shower because of the stitches. That's great. You know, that lasted fucking a day and a half, okay? One whiff of my nut sack. And what happened was my wife was wrapping my leg with the thing. She was actually, what me and my wife do is basically I get up, I come down here, I put the sink on the first day.

And, you know, I get like a hot towel. I kept the shower running. I had to hold on to a fucking stool. And I would wipe my armpits there, my balls. And then she would wipe my back and stuff. I don't want my wife rubbing my asshole or my dick. But the one night she was rubbing my leg, and she was putting something on my leg. and she had to be like eight inches from my nutsack, maybe your foot,

and she actually said something to me. She's like, hey man, I love you to death. We've been together for 20 years, but you got to do something about those balls. I get smelling from here. I go, done. So now we wrap my fucking, you think I'm fucking kidding you. We wrap my leg like with a saran wrap,

and I take the fucking stroller into the shower, and I just sit there, I wet myself up, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I take a shot, I'm not, there is no, fucking way I'm doing little fucking, you know, hot water baths, whatever. And, you know, like, I got home on Saturday, and I took

like a good hot water bath after the hospital. She wiped me down. And then Saturday night, we did another one, because you know me, I like to be clean. I'm a fat dude. I got weird odors coming out of me. So that Sunday night, I did the same wash again, switched to underwear. You know me,

dog, I'm by the book. I got 3,000 pair underwear, me undies, upstairs. They kept sending me underwear all those. his ears. So if I put a pair of underwear and fart, I change fucking underwear. That's how fucking I am. So I took the fucking underwear. You know, I took them off and she told me, she's like, dog, I don't know what's in that area there. And I stopped taking these pills. See, I was taking this, this GNC testosterone package, healthy men's testosterone. Oh, oh. Let me explain something to you. the smell of your piss

when I take alpha brain and shroom tech and shroom tech sport and shit nothing stinks like that GNC has one pill in their in their fucking

men's testosterone that makes your piss smell so bad I'll tell you how bad it makes your piss smell and you know again we got no fucking secrets between us there are times

I am sitting watching TV and I can actually actually smell my piss that I just pissed. When I did the Sopranos, I had to pull the wardrobe lady aside and go, look, don't smell those pants, whatever you do. Dry clean those motherfuckers, because every time I pissed, I had a piss and I heard of it because there was only one bathroom for COVID. And every time I put, you ever put your dick back in your pants and there's a little leakage

and you're like, God damn it. That's what was going on that day. I was pissing so much. that I was rushing it, and I was putting my dick back in my underwear, and then my underwear would smell like a fucking goat. So I said, fuck it. I had to tell her after the first night of shooting, I go, do me a favor.

Send those right to the fucking dry cleaners. Because they fucking stink so fucking bad. She was like, okay, I was so embarrassed. Like I had to pull her aside because I didn't want her to get the whiff of them, to be folding the pants, and to go, what the fuck? So thank God, ever since I stopped lifting weights last Thursday, the seventh, I stopped taking those testosterone pills.

There's not testosterone, they're like a booster or whatever. I don't even know if it works or not. Somebody gave me a sample and it felt good. So I stopped taking those. So if without them, I could see with those pills my dick and my ball combination stinking up a storm. But without those fucking things, for your balls to still stink, that's fucking embarrassing in my world. So we'll fucking shake hands and part friends. I went and took a shower and I've been

taking two showers a day ever since this fucking surgery. I just wrap my leg up with fucking saran wrap, brother, and boom, I go in there. So my wife is telling me to my face that my ball stink. How do you think I feel in my head? Like in my head, I've known for eight years since I've had mercy and since I was like 49, I'm like, I can't show this dick to nobody no more. This is the ugliest thing in the world. The morning of my surgery, when they put the intravenous in me, I was so fucking scared that day. I had shrinkage issues in the fucking in the emergency room.

My dick went all the way in. When I tell you that my dick shrunk to an inch for four days after the surgery, I'm not fucking lying to you. I don't know what the fuck it is about surgery, but my dick helmet went all the way in. I still remember before the surgery, I had a piss. I told you motherfuckers. the dude, I go, I got to piss.

He goes, I don't worry about it. We'll put a tube in your dick if you have to piss during the surgery and then we'll pull it out. I go, no, you will not do that shit. No, you will not. I will piss right here. They had to bring that the catheter,

whatever the fuck that thing is. And I remember a girl holding and she's like, I got it. I couldn't even grab my dick to piss in that. Piss was just sprinkling everywhere like a fucking broken fucking sprinkler head. It just kept fucking going around

and around in circles. So I was like, Jesus fucking Christ, this is the most embarrassing thing. They even told me at the hospital like Friday night, I think it's time to change your robe because I had a piss in the bed. So I kept pissing the thing and a little bits of piss would go out. And that room smelled like fucking debt. So these are all the reasons why I wouldn't even consider. Like we fuck around.

I'll show you my balls on the internet if you like. I've showed you my balls before. You know that the guys, the boys love to see the balls. Those comedy motherfuckers, they love when I take my balls out at the comedy store. They loved it for years. I did it. It was a goof. But to show them to a fucking girl at my age, ever since I was 50, that's been the last order on my mind, guys.

And listen, everybody loves a good blowjob or a good piece of ass. For me, it's been a complete different opposite of that because what do I tell my little daughter? What do I tell my daughter? That why it can't be a fall in or more? I cheated on her. I'm going to lose all this because of my fucking daughter. So it's never even been on my fucking curriculum. It's never been on my fucking curriculum. You know, look at the friends I have, the women that are in my life. They're fucking beautiful. Kate Quigley, you wouldn't try something with Kate Quigley? Really? Oh, you're that much of a

Christian? I've never tried to know with Kay Christian. One time fucking around when I told me to show me those skinny fucking tits or whatever. But no, she's my fucking best friend, my sister. Felicia Michael's beautiful piece of ass was in Playboy Ask her Ask if I ever come on to Felicia Michael There's no need to She would look at me and go and Joey I would never I mean Felicia says the funniest fucking things

You've ever heard in your life when I'm along with her I took it to this comedy show one night And we bumped into a well-known musician That will leave unknown I mean he's one of the biggest musicians of all time He was at a fucking comedy show and we're walking out me and her and a friend of mine says hey have you ever met this guy and i go no i'm like hey man very nice to meet you i'll just give you a hint he's got a radio show

i shake his hand i go very nice to meet you you know it's a pleasure i love your band uh this is my friend felicia micha's because felicia came with me felicia shook his hand we turned away what right most people would go i can't believe that's fucking blah blah blah you know what felicia said to me she goes, I think he needs some hair conditioner. His hair is a bit on the dry side. I go, is that what the fuck you just notice when you meet one of the biggest musicians in the fucking world? That his hair needs conditioning, that is dry. You know, they're fucking 80.

So they got to keep dying their hair jet black. So eventually your hair gets fucking, you know, fucking. It just sizzled it. But that's her world. Ask her. I remember Felicia Michaels had to take a picture. I went to a house one morning. I was laying there and I go, you know what?

I need a fucking album cover for my CD. I need an album cover. What the fuck did I take a picture of my balls for? The documentary? Where I got my balls from. Yeah, I'll never forget. I was laying there and I'm like, what kind of cover can I possibly put on this fucking documentary?

I'm bending my knee 90-degree guys. Already 11 days, and I'm fucking in. and I keep working too. I don't give a fuck. But, ooh, look at that. How's that for you, motherfucker? Did you see that? Doing my own therapy.

By the way, I start therapy tomorrow. What am I considered that? Outpatient now, because the impatient people don't come over here no more. I'm an outpatient now. So back to this Felicia story. I fucking get up one morning. I'm like, what kind of album cover am I going to put on this? I go, it's where I got my balls from.

I got to have my balls in there somewhere or picture. balls or something. So I said, let's call out, let's do this the right way. Fuck it. I'll take a picture of my balls. Now I got to find somebody to take a picture of your balls. Who can I fucking possibly ask to take

a picture of your balls? If you go to a guy, he might punch you in the fucking face. And if you go to a woman, they might charge you with, he tried to show me his fucking balls. That's what I needed my life right now. But me and Felicia were cooler than that. So I just called her up. I go, Felicia, do you have five minutes? I want to

talk to you face to face. You know, you don't want to ask somebody to take a picture of your balls on the phone because by the time you get that, the cops will be there waiting for you. You want to ask them to their face. So if they do decide to call the cops, you got time to run. You know, even though she was my best friend at the time, I'm a little worried about this question. So I call up, I go, Felicia, do you mind if I come over and ask you a personal question? She's like, come over.

Nobody's here. I go over there. I roll up a joint. I go, can I talk to you about something? I go, Felicia, I have this documentary. I go, it's call where I got my balls from. Do you mind taking a picture of my ball sack? Dog, she just froze.

And she looked at me like, then she goes, I'd love to. And I go, all right, get the camera. And she got the camera. I took my dick, I held it. She did not see my dick. I did not show my dick. I held it up here like a fucking gun.

And I just kept my legs open. And she came right in and zoomed in with him. And she came as close as could be and took a picture of him. She put the camera down. She looked me in the face and she goes, those are sand balls. That was it right there.

She showed me, she took like eight pictures. She showed them to me and she goes, they were kind of scary. That was as close up as I could get with I'm getting scared of them. She goes, that big vein in the middle of them. That's the scariest vein I've seen on nuts sacks and I've seen nuts sacks before.

They're my fucking best friends. You know what I'm saying? Why would I come onto some fucking chick that was coming to come see me? So the point of this fucking story is, again, with the fucking accusations that I slept with some of these fucking girlfriend. I mean, it never fucking stops. A couple weeks ago, what about the dude?

Before I left California, there was a rumor. I cheated on my wife. I said, told my wife something about some fucking lady. It just, it never fucking ends. So don't believe everything you hear. So far, in the last 10 years, I haven't podcasting, I tell you what's on my mind. And I'll tell you, as embarrassing as it is. I've told some very embarrassing stories about my life on this podcast and the things I've done

and things I'm not fucking proud of. But I told them anyway. I told them anyway. I don't give a fuck. You're my therapist, guys. That's what you guys don't understand. When you come to do a podcast, if you're not talking to your audience or your family and you're being as honest as you can as you would be with a psychologist or your therapist

or whatever the fuck, then why are you doing this? If I'm going to come here and tell you a half story, I'm not going to waste your time. I'm going to tell you the whole story. So you know the truth. I want you to know the fucking truth. I don't give a fuck about what I did. Yeah, I robbed this guy. I robbed that guy.

The drugs, I did this. You can't take that away. It's already done. You have to judge me by what I'm doing today and how I'm living my life today. Do you understand me? That's how you fucking judge me. How I'm living my life today. Whatever happened in 97 or 98, even for you guys, I have no control over.

that as far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen. You're a different fucking person. I don't give a fuck. Am I going to be nice? If you rape somebody, I'm not going to be fucking nice to you. But if you did a common fucking mistake, and I see that you're a gentleman today, you got my fucking love and respect.

That's how I work it. I don't give a fuck about people's past at all. As long as you're a decent person today, you took care of those fucking things. And you know what? The last I checked, I took care of those fucking things. The last good thing I fucking did was I called somebody that lent me money. I swear to God, this guy lent me money 24 years ago.

He never asked for it back. He never asked for it back. I always kept in touch with him. I was always very grateful to him. He got into a spot in like 2007. And he goes, hey man, I need to collect that money. Do you mind? And I go, brother, I don't have it.

it and he goes I don't understand how you can't have it you've been doing comedy for so long now you did the longest shot I got did the longest shot in 2004 whatever money I had from the longest yard I paid debts off in the 10 previous fucking years I didn't have your number I didn't know how to get a hold of you we had lost contact I'm very fucking sorry he's I can't believe I'm coming to fucking LA and you're not going to have my money I'm going to need this I go what could listen if there's anything else I could do for you I'll do it for you if you want me to start sending you payments he goes no I mean this was after he lent me the money in 95 this is 2000 fucking 7 or 2008 I hadn't heard from the guy I knew he was in dire needs

so he called me and like I called him back like two weeks later to say listen what if I gave you 500 and I'll make payments and he didn't answer the phone he never returned my fucking number I called and I called him like a month or two later and he had changed you his number and I don't know what the fuck happened to him. I started making money and I put away that money that he gave me because I was going to give it to him as an investment. He bought me a car. He gave me money for clothes.

I think he let me like 1500 fucking bucks. You're not going to believe this story. He lent me 1,500 fucking bucks to get my life started. Mike Kessler, my uncle Mike, the one that was on the podcast, all fucked up. He calls up from time to time. he sold me the car he got me to nissan it was the car it took on the road for years i was indebted to that guy if you know anything about me guys if you do anything for me i'm indebted to you never mind fucking start my career this guy jump started my fucking career triple called me on like a fucking

thursday to go out on the road for six weeks i didn't have no fucking car i was i take a rental and he was the one that said why don't you find a little cheap car and i'll lend you the money to you get on your feet i fucking bought the car blah blah blah blah blah blah Anyway, to make a long story short, 2007, 2000, and he calls me. He's very upset with me. I was very upset with him. I didn't know how to get a hold of him. 2010, I started making a little bit more money, you know, just, and I put away some money, and I tried to call him.

I called a bunch, and every time I went to fucking Denver, every time I went to Wendy Curtis, the Comedy Works, I would call my friends in Boulder and say, anybody know how to get a hold of this guy, anybody see him, anybody do anything? nobody do nothing so for the last three fucking years I've been sitting there going how the fuck do I pay my payment out to this guy okay about two months ago again Facebook Messenger is like the thing I do when I'm the most bored because it's the last line of the fence once I've answered the Twitter messages once I've answered the Facebook messages my hot mail messages that's the last line of the defense defense i'll go on messenger and find 200 fucking messages that i haven't read and i'll go through

them if they're like if it's somebody wishing me a happy birthday you know it was a fucking year ago what am i going to do thank you now i'm already in grateful in that fucking eyes but if it's somebody who's like a friend of mine that's trying to get a hold me i saw this name it kind of rang a bell and i opened up the email and it's like hey how you doing i worked do your Colorado sports advisors. What's going on? Do you still talk to some of the old guys? He goes, I know they'd love to hear from you.

And he just put the names out and their phone numbers. And he put that kid's number that I owed money to. Fucking, I was so happy. I called them up. And this is just before, this is right after I got here. He fucking hit me up on Facebook. I caught, I got the number. I called.

It was a long ring. They're not going to pick up. my call because they see the area code three two three nobody knows where it's coming from and then you see the name Jose Diaz and you're like I'm not fucking nobody puts it together right away so I left him a message hey man this is Joey Diaz you called me a couple years ago you know I didn't have the money for you I got your money today I didn't hear from him for like two days he called back he's like is this really you I go it's really me man because do you really have the money I go I really have your money. He goes, you don't understand how bad I need that money right now. He gave me 1,500. You don't want to know

what I gave him as an investment back. I mean, it was a 20 fucking year investment. I had to make good on it. I sent them the dough. Now we're friends. You know, when I went down to, uh, every time I go down Uncle Vinnie's on Wednesdays, I use a different friend of mine to give me a ride. I use either cops that are still working, you know, and I try to throw them a couple yardsticks or friends of mine that are felons, and they can't work, but they carry a gun, and they're still fucking nuts. You know, I always try to pick somebody every Wednesday that could use the money really bad, you know, or he's a dear friend of mine, and I have, like, four ex-cops, I got like two cops

of the still cops and I got like three criminals and I alternate in between all three of those all fucking six of those guys for different rides you know and I give them a couple little couple hundred just because hey that's what the patron is for and that's what this whole thing was for you know the last time I went down there my friend Luke Luke Gallo he's a cop and he was telling me that you know Dave Portney, the owner of Ball School Sports, I'm a big fan of put away,

he put a fund together, like $26,000 $26,000 million dollars to help out business. You know, guys, I didn't know anything about it. To help out businesses and whatever, I think fucking restaurants.

So I think like Aaron Rogers donated a half a mill to save a restaurant that he really really liked, you know, a couple people, the quarterback from Tampa Bay gave money. A lot of people have given money. I'm going to give a donation to Dave Portney out of the Patreon account this week, once they pay us on the fifth of the month, whatever, for restaurant owners or whatever.

But I just want to let you know that I've been doing my part on the Patreon. I'm not looking, you know, you can't help everybody, guys. But I got to help the people that are closest to me first. I got to help the people in my circle. A lot of comics, you know, that they're hurting. So that's what I use my Patreon for to help a lot of those people out. Two, 300, 400, 400 bucks a month, you know, three or four, five people. You know, I got my drivers that I'm trying to help out.

You know, Mikey, all trying to help each other out here, man. And this is what I do with the P money is I try to just, you know, I can't help a business. I wish I could help a small business come back, but I'm just trying to help the people to the closest to me in my inner circle as much as I can. You know, tonight before we started, you saw I got a, I had to call a friend, and, you know, tomorrow he has to go for a bunch of tests. He doesn't have a car, so he has to rent the car. And that's what we do. That's what we're doing right now. We're helping out the people that are around us.

But I just want to let you know what we're doing as the joint, Uncle Joey's joint. and the mind of Joey D is what we're doing with that Patreon money. You know, I'm not making big money here. Nobody's fucking eating out or nothing. We're trying to help individuals, little comics, guys that you would never hear of or want to hear of. Guys that, you know, and there's some people I just send a book. They call boost.

You know, our job here is to make somebody's day. That's what our job is here. Mike, when you come here, I always give you a little weed, right? Sometimes it's two nugs, but I always try to make something. somebody's day. That's your mission. Forget about who the fuck the president is today. Who gives the fuck? Your job to this country and what you all America is this. Be nice to somebody every day, one fucking person. Be kind, especially what we're

going through right now. Call him, be kind. You know, give somebody a bud. I mean, I love to give Mike a pound. I don't have a pound, but if I had a pound, half of it would be his. You know, in my world, I'm like, you know, the worst people, people in life. You know, when I watched that documentary, the 7-5, I got to meet Mike Dowd. You know, on paper, Mike Dowd, a lot of people think he's crazy. But there's one thing I know for a fact about Mike Dowd that I've heard it from people. If Mike Dowd has $2 and you need it, Mike Dowell will give it to you. Whether he robbed it, whether he stole it from a drug dealer,

and in my world, that's all that fucking matters. You know, if I got two pieces of rice, Mike gets one. And if I got three, Mike gets two because he's got a kid at the house. Well, we split the third. Half goes to my kid and half goes to Mike's kid. That's how we do it here. So in retrospect and in closing, that's what I wanted to talk about today. This podcast and my world is about making somebody's day. I know this podcast was all over the place today, but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed telling these stories. I'm sorry about the commotion up there with this guy and this girlfriend and the grief that they're going through. The guy got on Patreon to fucking threaten me.

So I had to tell him to go fuck himself. Remember the podcast I did a couple of weeks ago about how I'm prepared if somebody wants to fuck around? It's hysterical how that podcast was taken out of content and how people thought it was meant towards them. I love that type of shit. A guy like me loves that type of shit. Now, if you know anything about Lee, hit Leah and I ask Lee.

Lee has given me the biggest compliments of my life because we worked together for eight years. We knew each other. And Lee once told me, he goes, bro, you're very calculated. He goes, I realize by working with you that you're very calculated. You don't do anything unless there's a payoff

or unless there's a movement. And that's what I try to do when I tell these stories is tell movement, it's hysterical. I told the story on there a couple weeks ago how I'm prepared. And other people took it the wrong fucking way. The whole podcast about it. Yeah, the whole fucking thing.

And fucking people took it the wrong way and I love it because I was just letting the right people know listen if you've got a fucking problem with me you want to fuck around bring it give yourself a try whatever especially over some girl that nothing happened you're wasting your time if you're that untrustworthy if you don't trust the person you love that much don't deal with them and go to a fucking class and learn how to get trust people and how to love people again you know we've been together for 20 years I don't give a fuck about what my wife did before she met me I know she had a pass I don't care, I don't ask, it's got nothing to do with me, and it's none of my business.

My business is to provide happiness for her today. The same thing with all my friends, whether it be Mike, whether it be Jimmy Florentine. I love all you motherfuckers the same. So I was just letting you motherfuckers know. I'm in Jersey. I'm in my backyard here. Even on my block, I got two cops. My backyard is watched by a fucking cop all day long.

That loves me to death. He lives three or four doors down. If you've noticed, I've always lived next to car. cops. I've always been frank with them. It's about weapons. They know I'm felons. You don't think they know? They know I'm a fucking felon. I don't want to know, but I don't give a fuck. It was a mistake I made, and I did it, and we're done with. But it's so funny how I did that podcast, and other people started getting scared. He's talking about me. Nobody gives a fuck about you. You fucking jerk off. That's it, and that's that, motherfucker. We've made it through another week.

It's election day. I hope you watch this podcast nice and early. Listen, I don't know what's going to happen today. I'm not a psychic. I just know that that troops on their way to Washington, they're not allowed to have people. I don't think there's going to be people allowed at the inauguration. I don't know what's going to happen the rest of the day today. But all I want you to know is to stay home, mind your business. I'm not doing no shows. I'm not doing nothing for the next couple days. Right now, this country needs to heal a little bit. And that's all I give a fuck about. I want congratulate you guys.

I want to, I'm a new president, whoever the fuck it is. And I want to let you guys know I love you and thank you for all your support and your fucking love over the years. I know who you are. I know who you are. And I got your back the same way you got my back. Thank you very much for letting me come into your homes.

Thank you very much for let me come into your cars. Thank you very much for letting me into your life. I'm not the ideal candidate. but I'm your fucking man. You got me, I got you. I'm with you, you're with me, and the rest of these punk-ass businesses want to be with us.

I love you. Have a great weekend. Enjoy election day. Enjoy the weekend, and we'll see you Monday. Tip-top Magoo, 7 a.m., ready to go. I don't know what's going to happen. So we'll communicate through Twitter,

Patreon, and Facebook. I love you, motherfuckters. Have a great weekend. Stay black. And I'll see you next week. Thank you very much for your time. Thank you again for listening today. I want to thank you guys for all the support and for listening

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