The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 03/25/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #65

Episode Date: March 26, 2013

Two great guests today. Television writer/producer and actor in Gangster Squad Mick Betancourt calls in. Also, boxer and story teller Vinny Curto calls in ahead of him joining Joey and Lee at the live Church at the Ice House. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Streamed live on 03/25/2013

Oh shit. Oh shit. Monday, March 25th. It's a beautiful day to be alive, especially since your motherfucking hit it. You know what I'm saying? Oh shit. Lee, clack that fucking music. DJ, co-host, producer, the flying fucking Jew in the house. Do it, Lee. Hit it! Oh, shit.

Monday, motherfucking morning. Wash your pussy. Wash your ass. Wash your helmet. Do what you got to do. You got to go out there. There's somebody fucking wait for you. Hit it. Oh shit.

You're a bad motherfucker. Spark that motherfucker. The Holy Smoke. Welcome to the church of what's happening now. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I said that already. Anyway, who gives a fuck? Get your shit together.

It's great to be here. Lisa. You have to fly in Jew. 61 pounds. Six and hemorrhoid free. Forget about it. Hemorrhoey. Yes, you did.

You were telling me. That's like a nightmare. You said you had a little carrot sticking out of your asshole and you need to take care of it. You do the fruits and now you're fine. Oh, yeah. I can walk around naked. I used to walk around naked, but now I don't, now I can do it in front of people.

I hear you. You feel good? I feel good. I had a... Last night was kind of a rough night for me. I was... I'm going to tell him in the video. You look, I'm going to quit.

I'm really... Get the fuck up, cuck, sucker. I didn't say it was a good. You think the Jews fucking quit when they fought the fucking Russians that time? I thought, what were the three fucking years? You think they walked around with? Then 900 Jews fought against 1500 Russians or something? Romans, yeah.

Romans and they fucking held it for how long? For a while. So what do you think? You think that they quit? We're out of carrots. Fuck no. I don't think it was out of carrots. I don't know.

I mean, it was a rough name where I'm feeling good. A lot of people don't know I know about that Jewish history. Yeah, it's Masada. That's right. It's great. You fucking cock suckers. So next time you're Jewish and you want to put on faggy sandals to go hang out with your friends at a coffee shop, think of what your fucking people went through.

Three years they fought the fucking Italians. Fist, karate chock bagels. You know, pennies to the fucking. eyeballs and there you want to well shalom with your little fucking fake hat on i'll fucking stab you miserable fuck i want a jew like lee i want him thought to be like lee he's always on the move always i'm trying man what's going on sacramento guys i love you motherfuckers with them if i'm gonna tape my next cd i think it might be sacramento will just fly up there oh great on wednesday night it's a lot of people ask for you lee i forgot i brought you a t-shirt one of the guys had a t-shirt for you

Lee, over 100 people asked for you in Sacramento. Oh, that's nice. Thank you, guys. Quit your job and come out and put a suit on. I told you, Lee's going to put a suit on with a yarmic and dollar bills on. Yeah, I can't wait to do that. You've been smoking, Lee. What are you sitting there? Come on over.

Get some fucking weed. When did you smoke? When did you smoke in? No, you didn't, cocksucker. Roll in talking about smoking. I smoke and I'm fucking half a joint, and now you're young at me again. Cog sucker. Let me tell you what happened.

Sacramento was a lot of fun, and I always, I've been having a great time doing this lately, excuse me I gotta be honest with you guys for years I would go out and I'd have a miserable time there was a job

it stopped being a job it's a fucking adventure now and I'm having a good time What changed I love it Yeah I love it again You gotta really love what you do

I think that happens with everything Like people I mean I work in TV And people think it's amazing And it ain't looking back If I had seen it three years ago I'd be like Oh shit that's amazing

but everything I think turns into a job at some point. Well, you don't want it to turn into a job. Exactly, yeah. That's what the thing is. You never want what you love to turn into a job, and turn into a job, even going on the set. Anything I was doing turned into a job, now I'm doing it because you guys called me out.

That's what I feel like. These people on Twitter have called me out with the podcast. So now I got to keep on my toes. I got to write every day. You know, on Mondays, I make my delivery to Omar for the book, you know, whether it's a paragraph or a fucking chapter when I get out of here, I'm going to go home and clear up the paragraph and send it to them. And it's just

amazing. You can stand up and meet in these people and smoking dope for you, but Sacramento is definitely off the chain. So many fucking people went, it's just amazing. Anthony Johnson, the black dude. I mean, I just saw you know, and it's like a family. We're building a little family all over the fucking country. And it really is a lot of fun.

And I'm really working on my passport. I can't really wait to go to England, the UK, and Ireland and fucking the flying Jew. We're going to taking this fucking part of Israel. Oh shit. Fuck, yeah. Blow up the cliff and we'll shoot a little special down at that cave, the religious cave down there.

Jesus. Put a $100 dollar bill and do 10 minutes. You follow me? That's my dream to shoot a fucking 10 minute special, my little cave. Oh, God. People would have heart attacks in Israel if they saw you. No, they wouldn't. They love all that.

No, they love it. But I was saying, like, just... They love it. They fucking love it. What's going on? Where's I want to be around? It's Monday morning. I play some fucking music.

Got to respect for you motherfuckers. As usual, this podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com. Get your fucking life started today. That's what I love about Mondays. You can start all over again. So what? You ate potato chips on Sunday.

Monday is another fucking day. It's another fucking day. Uh-oh. A little Tony Benefee. Lee Syatt, Monday morning here. It's a beautiful fucking day. Register for classes. Oh shit.

Listen to that voice. Two. Pick up the pieces. Are you fucking kidding? If I had a head of him, I'd shoot it. Then I'd burn you with this e-cigarette right in the fucking eyeball. You're going to make it happen today. You're going to go out there, you're going to get in your car.

You're going to fucking be, you know, the best you can be. Don't sit around. You're going to have to smile at people and be a fake. I ready to cut off the Asian in the car and be yourself. You know what I'm saying? Cut the fucking Asians off before they cut you off. You know, I love you, cock suckers. I love you kung fuxuckers out there.

What's up, Lee? Look at you. Smiling. You're back. That's why I put on fucking Steven Town on Eversmith. Because you're back, Lee. You got to smile when you were a young kid again.

Now we're going to fucking fill up the top. We're going to get your little Paul McCartney hair dude. You'll look like the president's wife with some bangs. And it's all over. You're going to be back-sling him dick like a savage. Got to talk about something off the bat. I saw something like after Sacramento Thursday night. I do a show, you know, and it's always when you have to do radio next day.

Okay. I told you. I get up at 4.45 because I don't have to get up. Yeah. Do you understand me? I don't come to do the podcast. We don't have a boss. It's when I have something to do that I can't fall asleep.

Oh, yeah. You know what I'm saying? So I know that you people go through that. When you have to be somewhere, I can't fall asleep. Do you get nervous? Something happens to me. So when I don't have to be somewhere, I can go to bed at fucking nine and get up at four, like nothing. Yeah.

But if I got to get up at six, I'll sleep, you know what I'm saying? Like very, today I fucking couldn't wake up. I was wiped out. I ate a hash cookie. I ate a hash lollipop when I was in Sacramento. Some guy showed up with a fucking bag of these. They were amazing. Munchies, edibles.

If you see them, fucking get them. They're made with bubble hash. And you could feel it because bubble hash stays with you. It's like taking like a little pain pill for your body. Like if you had sores, I've been doing that epileptical machine. I fucking love it, Lee. I fucking love it. It beats the fuck out of you up.

Like, you get sore. I had never really done it before and I do it like in 20 million increments. Because you're moving your whole body. Yeah, everything hurts. But I took the hash bubble fucking lollipop. But I ate one last night when I was answering back to email. And I got fucked up when I passed out. This morning it was just I had to drink two cups of coffee

and had to stay in the show next to 10 minutes. That's why I was running late. But I want to talk about something that. Thursday I went back to the room, DiAgostina. I went to Walmart and I got waters and shit like that. I went back to my room and I was going through stuff. and I put something on that I never watch ESPN. I'm not a big ESPN guy.

You know, it's okay. It's not like I was there in the beginning when I used to watch it now. And they were shown a movie called, it was 30-30, which they're all fucking classic. Oh, yeah. But this one was called Survive in Advance. Is that what you called me about last night? Yeah, it was the Jim Valvano story. You never heard the speech or nothing?

You've never seen any of that shit, Lee? In recent years, since I've come to L.A., they, when he passed away, they had a big, like the Jimmy V. Cancer thing. Right, right. So I've heard of him, but I don't really know the story. Okay. In 83, I'm a street guy straight up. I'm out of high school.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm working at Boulevard Hardware and Fairview. I get pinched in my first check. I stole some checks, and I gave him to a buddy. He got caught with him and ratted me out. And they came and arrested me, and I lost my job. But when I was working there one day, this is the fucking weirdest thing. I was going to go see Pat Benetton.

Pat Benettontar was on tour, supporting the one fucking album after promises in the dark and all that shit. And I went to the metal hands in the fucking snow to get these tickets. And as I walk in, I hear this commotion, and it's all these black dudes and a white dude that's North Carolina State. They were playing somewhere in that area for some Christmas tournament. And I was walking in to get tickets. And I just happened to see them and they just came out of practice. And something, they stuck out in my fucking head. they stuck out in my head

something about them I didn't know what it was At that time my life I was doing a lot of fucking gambling I was doing a lot of drugs But I was gambling to make a living Which is never fucking good You're gonna lose

Oh yeah Like I actually thought in my head That I was smart and everybody else And I was gonna bet You know 3, 400 a week And fucking win So every week I was minus 200 And I had to do some criminal activity

That's where all those stories go back When I go to Boulevard East And mug the fucking perverts And we were just doing crazy shit So it just so happened that the Redskins, I think, won the Super Bowl that year. Okay. In January, they beat the Miami Dolphins to kill the bees. I think that's the whole thing.

Don't quote me on this. And they paid me that day. I won $800. And I went into the city, and I went to 174th Street. They used to have a Thai chocolate, Thai wheat thing there, this little old man. And I would go in and buy chocolate Thai wheat. Okay. I had a bunch of money.

I usually bought 20s and 10. This time I had 8. $800. That was big for me. So I went in and bought a quarter-round. It was freezing. It was January 21st. The Super Bowl was usually January 20th in those days. January 28th. It was fucking freezing in New York. I asked, oh, God, do you mind if I roll a joint in here?

Because it's fucking cold. My plan was to go outside, smoke the fucking joint, walk down to like 163rd over the Broadway and take the train downtown and take the bus over back to the North Bergen. Okay. To report authority. So I go in there, I roll the fucking. The joint of weeds tremendous.

It's chocolate tie weed. They don't even make that shit no more. They have it down like in Miami. It's called Lamb's Bread from Jamaica. And I fucking go outside and I roll this fucking bone and it's windy out. So I put the joint in the corner. You know, you put something in the corner and spark it. And I feel a gun to my head and it's a fucking mailman dressed up undercover.

And he goes, get them on the floor. And he puts handcuffs on me. Within minutes, they pull up with these cars and they roll me over. And they go in my pocket. I got fucking $700 in my pocket. They get the weed out there. asked me my name. In those days, I didn't carry a fucking ID. There was no ID. The ID isn't me. You want my name?

Fucking guess it, cuck, sucker! Like Jeopardy! So, uh, they threw me and fucking, uh, the thing. They asked me for my name. I told him to chute. They did like an instant fingerprint in those days. This is 19, fucking 83, and they had that shit. I had to wait like an hour for the results. They just held me in like a paddy wagon. And they said, you didn't lie. They took some of the weed and threw it on the floor and gave me a ticket. And they got me for possession and something else.

It was just a ticket in New York. It was 1983. And it was 83 because they put me on six months probation. I fucking, I had to go to Mike Court. Okay. So from January, which after football season, to March, it's basketball. It's college basketball, April. Yeah.

It's college basketball all the way. So I didn't know the whole story. These guys were winning. While I'm doing all my criminal activity, North Carolina is fucking winning, winning, winning, winning, and finally going to play Houston, Houston, five slam a jammer with Clyde, Jackson and Akeem, the Olajuwon. These motherfuckers were nuts. This was like watching a college, a pro basketball team.

Everybody slammed dunk. They had the best center in the fucking game at the time. Best Senate in the fucking game. Who? His name was Akeem, Elijah. He was like number five, and he was in college. It was Moses, you know, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. And this guy was up there with the best centers,

and he was in fucking college. And they're playing North Carolina State, this fucking team that's got nothing. They're a bunch of short guys, Thirl Bailey. and they fucking North Carolina Houston's given nine and a half That's how big of a point spread

Nobody bet The line started at 8 They went to 9 a half Nobody bet North Carolina State Nobody, you understand me It was that much Like you didn't see it in your future It was not gonna be

In those days There wasn't sports center and shit like at bars So you had to call sports phone Cost you 35 fucking cents So you had to walk around with change in your pocket Every time you seen a pay phone And it would update it every 15 fucking a minute. So sometimes if you call back, you got the same

goddamn scores. A lot of people don't know about this shit. This is waiting for the fucking internet. This is how old I go. You got to call up and they slow down tonight's results in the third quarter to Nixon Boston Celtics, 68, 64. You would die. You would wait on the fucking phone. And I called in the first score

I get at halftime. They're beating them outright. Houston or North Carolina? North Carolina is beating Houston outright. Getting eight points. Beating them out right. Nine and a half points is beating them. Like Baye is something like that. Anyway, I get back to Jersey, I run down and says, I bet fucking Houston. This

is when I was out there hustling, the gangbanging whatever the fuck you want to call it, selling Coke and robbing people. I bet Houston giving nine points, and they fucking lost North Carolina. North Carolina was this dream team. Just come from behind. The best player they had

got hurt. So Thursday night after the fucking show, I go back to my hotel room, I'm smoking a few numbers, I got a diet fucking Coke, I'm sitting there eating fucking strawberries. I bought And this thing is on And it's called Advance and what would I tell you it was called?

I'll have to look at it. Succeed in advance or something like that. Okay. And basically it was about Jim Valvano. He opens up with that when he first took over the team he would do a practice once a week where he would cut down the nets

practice winning the championship. He would cut down the nets. Oh shit. So these guys like after a while at first it seemed redundant but after a while we started to have fun doing it. And we started to believe.

Yeah. And all Valvedo did with these guys was what we do here at the church or what's happening now is tell you, bro, that all you need to do is believe. That's it. If you look at yourself, close your eyes and go, you know what? I'm going to go in there and start selling cocks on the mail. Whatever.

I'm going to go on the fucking line and make YouTube videos of me yelling on a screen with a cock in my hands. I'm going to sell fucking fake cocks in the mail. Whatever the fuck you decide to do. You have to believe it first. You have to believe it's going to fucking happen. And that's what he instilled on him. And he's got a speech on ESPN that's a famous speech today.

I never, when he did the speech in whatever year, I could lie to you and tell you I watched it. It was emotional. I never saw it. I was subscribed to Reader's Digest in 94 because of the jokes they had in there. Remember the little jokes that you don't read his digest is for old people? I've read it. But I like that because you go to old people's house and it's interesting.

So I would subscribe to Reader's Digest and send my stupid jokes. and I never told nobody else. I'm telling you people on the podcast for the first time. And my jokes never made it, but they always have interesting stories in Readers Digest, and I read this story. One of the things, at one time in my life, and I've told you guys this,

I was prepared to kill my ex-wife and the boyfriend because of what they did to me with the daughter. Yeah. And I remember a quote that he had said in that in that speech that always stuck with me. This is why I was prepared to go to prison as a man. He goes that no matter what they do to you, they can't take away.

Cancer can't take away your soul, your heart. art or your brain, that that's what lives on forever. Yeah, I have it. Do you want me to play? It's like a 10-minute thing. Do you want to not do it? Yeah, fucking play it. We got some calls. We got just, we won't play the whole thing, just a couple minutes of it. It's brilliant. It's a brilliant fucking speech. So someone has to help him walk up the stage right now because he's so depleted? Bro, he blows it the fuck up. He blows it up. People have watched it. We'll just listen to a few words, whatever he's got.

to say but I guess I didn't watch the speech live I want the lowest I've ever seen Dick Vidal since the owner of the Detroit Pistons called him in and told him he should go into broadcasting I can't tell you what an honor it is to even be mentioned the same breath with an author Ash this is something I certainly will treasure forever but as as was sent on the tape I and I also also I don't have one of those things going to cue cards. So I'm going to speak longer than anybody else has spoken tonight. That's the way it goes.

Should I skip forward a few minutes? Time is very precious to me. I don't know how much I have left, and I have some things that I would like to say. Hopefully, at the end, I'll have something that will be important to other people, too. But I can't help it. Now I'm fighting cancer, everybody knows that. And people ask me all the time about how you go through your life and how is your day. And nothing has changed for me, as Dick said.

I'm a very emotional, passionate man. I can't help it. That's being the son of Rocco and Angelina Valvano. That you comes with the territory. Right? We hug, we kiss, we love. And when people say to me, how do you get through life or each day is the same thing? To me, there are three things we all should do every day.

We do this every day of our life. You're going to have what a wonderful number one is laugh you should laugh every day Number two is think you should spend some time in thought That's what I'm going to smoke dope is you should have your emotions moved to tears Think about it if you laugh you think and you cry I've never heard this That's a full day that's a heck of a day you go seven days a week there you go motherfuckers that's it special And so we'll laugh together we think together and we fucking that's it.

I can't tell you that you have to listen to this to believe it. He quotes Ralph Waldo Emerson. He says that nothing happens without enthusiasm. That's why I get up in the mornings and I'm fucking excited and listen man, anybody that's rich could get up and have a great

fucking face on. It's the motherfuckers like us that have to get up, you know, and fight it out. Those are the motherfuckers that are really happy. Anybody can be happy with half a mill in the fucking bank 20s. It's guys like us that get in the morning these blue column motherfuckers and we got to bang it out here a little black sad for these cocks suckers what oh shit thank that shit there's anything you got a spark another

jointly hit it oh shit little into the void this is what are we going today into the deep oh shit the black label society fucking smokes on this we do ban ah bha bhaugh cuckers wash your dick wash that helmet watch that pussy it's a beautiful day to be alive Monday motherfuckers. Look at Lee Cyanne. Do it, Lee. Hit it. Spark that motherfucker. A brand good one out of respect. Let's do this, Lee. Oh shit. That flies, burns low. Everywhere is misery and woe. Ah! Lee looking good. Dancing for the boys. Look at Lee. Oh shit, wiggling over here from Uncle Joe. We've got to get another camera. Lee cocked up. People can see you wiggle and doing jumping jack. We'll have a special segment for now.

to get another camera. Leasinger to stand next to me and do jumping jacks like Jack Balane in 58. What's up, man? So for people looking, if you just search Jimmy's 1993 S-B-S-B-S-B-S-E-S-P-Y,

that's how you find it. You're going, Joey, you're fucking corny showing us that shit. You know what? Fuck you, bitch. All I'm trying to do is let you know can do whatever the fuck you want to do. How'd ever the fuck you want to do?

You could do it. It's Monday. Put your mind to it. Write it to fuck down. Today, I'm going to stab somebody. You go out there And you're going to eat this lollipop Out of respect for, I got one last one left

I don't give a fuck I got to meet somebody for coffee I got to work out and I got to hang out with my wife That's it I got a writer I got to send all more his book before I got shit going on But I don't you know what I'm saying

Yeah I'm trying to say So I got a weird question for you Well not weird But I just read it a couple days ago That Rhonda Rousey's going to be The Ultimate Fighter Coach Right

And when I ask this question She's amazing This is not that she's not amazing But She's had one fight She was a champ before that And now she's already a coach Is it going too fast

What are you going to do Like it seems like With all sports People have like one good One good game or something And now they're like The world champions And they're amazing

And I don't know It just seems like it's like Jesus Christ She just came out You gotta do what you got to do We're impressed with shit Right off the bat In this country now

somebody does one fucking thing and we're jumping up and fucking down that's why I love Justin Timberley because that motherfucker do it all I didn't know you liked him I like it's not like a hang out when I'm gonna post on my fucking wall you know what I'm just it's funny yesterday I flew back from Sacramento

there was these two chicks on there and you can see they were fucking single they were little on the chubby side I'm not saying the chubby chicks are single I'm just saying these two morons and listening to the conversation on the train to the shuttle to the plane and then behind them, you could see why they were fucking single.

But they sat down. They both had to be 40. And the one girl goes, oh, if you want to have Justin Bieber and something else I'm listening to it, and it was like two fucking kids. I'm like, the one of these fucking chicks are single. They still think they're in fucking high school. Yeah.

Get it together. Wash that pussy. Shave it. Get out there. The one put flip flops on and have feet bigger than mine. Put boots on. If your feet are bigger than a seven, put boots on ladies.

Don't fucking put those planks and fucking flip flops and show people that, you know, we could float on those fucking things. If the world gets taken all by water, unbelievable, these fucking women trying to get a boyfriend with flip-lops on the toes all hard and shit. Krusty, have a chick rubbed that big dry toe on your leg,

the drynesses when it gets me is the cold feet that freaks me out at night. It doesn't, I mean, it's like... Cold feet, is that what you're worrying about? I'm not worried about it, but... I don't care of the feet a fucking ice cool, as long as that monkey's warm, that's all that matters. You understand? You like that warm monkey?

Of course I do. A little hot fog on it. You put hot pudge on a chick's fucking monkey? No. Never, that's the problem. But you got a fucking hot fudge Sunday. I'm at McDonald's. I don't eat hot fudged.

Don't fucking lie to me. I've seen those hot fudson. I'll eat the cheeseburgers, but not the Sunday. You're not going to McDonald's ever again. I know. You're not going anywhere. I know. You're thinking about it.

It's five weeks tomorrow. And you're going to go getting 15 of hot the cheeseburgers tomorrow. You know, I love you to death. We all care for you at the church what's happening now. And I know I can see it in your eyes when you make the video. You're like, I can't wait to get a double whopper. I never said that. You didn't say it.

I could see it in your fucking eyeballs. It don't take a swami to fucking tell you what you're thinking about. You know what I'm thinking. What's the first thing you're going to eat? The first thing I'm going to get is a barbecue chicken salad at California Pizza Kitchen. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. What? That's what you're giving up your sobriety for?

It's a salad. California, a barbecue chicken salad from fucking salad. That's the worst food. in North America. What's all with that? Who owns that shit? It's a division of McDonald's. It's like that other fucking Mexican place

to all these fucking wastes. Chipotle. Yeah, jumping up and down. That's McDonald's beef. I have to get a salad. That's somebody's cat. That's somebody's fucking cat. No salad.

You know what the salad is? What? A salad. Not a barbecue chicken salad. I can't put a little chicken on? No, not a barbecue chicken from whatever. They put sugar in their shit. Did you see the other day

that there was an article of a McDonald's salad? Has his money calories or his money. Did you see that? Oh, yeah, yeah, with the dressing. Don't eat the salad. That's not a salad, though. There's no barbecue. Nobody fucking ever had a barbecue.

It's like barbecue chicken pizza. Who fucking invented that? Oh, I don't want to eat that. Some white dude from fucking Cova City. I ain't doing that shit. I ain't going for it. That's what you're giving up. Listen, if you're going to cheat on your wife,

you're going to cheat on a with a chick who's 21 and's got that butterskin. Her pussy smells like fucking flowers and their assholes like fucking fireworks. Like firecrackers. and that asshole smells like gunpowder. You follow me? You're going to go for the best. So, again, what's the first thing you're going to eat, Lee? Well, I have to start off with a super salad.

So I was going to start off like a small... How about you go to Big Tonys, right down the corner on Cold Water and Riverside, right there by Rouse? Yeah. And you get the chicken breast nice on the grill, and they give you a nice spinach salad with a lemon vinaigrette. You follow me with nice, fresh tomatoes? You put some salt and pepper on those fucking tomatoes? Yeah. You follow me? $8.

You want to give that up for California Pizza Kitchen. It's a salad. It's not a salad. It's a sweet salad with sugar. This is what I'm saying. This is what they're going to tell you at Weight Watchers. When you look at that book and see how many points, so that's not a salad. This is what we're discussing.

This is what we're saying. Look at you. You're like, what I make you chicken. What's in it? I'll tell you in a second. I've got a call coming in. Oh, shit. Who's this on the phone?

What do you say? Oh, shit. It's my main man The fucking flying Puerto Rican Mick Benacourt What's happening, beautiful? Don't deny my Irishness I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, I hear

It's around St. Patty's time It's funny, Mick, the other day Well, I told you about a year ago I was in a hotel room And I watched the Law & Order SVU That you had written, A line directed,

Or whatever the fuck you had done In your name It was one of the best things I've ever seen on television About them The Army chick that left the thing And one of the soldiers came back

And they thought it was ten. that killed the chick. It was fucking amazing. And the other day I'm on a line, and I see that, what's her name? Who does the podcast with Felicia? Danny Stewart wrote that she was home sick. Did you see that tweet that she wrote?

I was homesick, and I was watching Law & Order, fucking Mick Benincourt's a bad motherfucker. So I said, we've got to get Mick back on the podcast. How are you doing, but I know you don't have that much time today. How are you? I'm good, man. I'm happy to be up this early and happy to pop on the podcast. Yes and say hello.

Are you an early guy? You have children, so you got to be up early, correct? Yeah, you know what? They're actually going out of town. They're going to Chicago for a week for Easter, so I'm going to miss the bandinos for a little bit, but a week to get the house back in order. My wife is leaving Thursday also.

I have free reign for a fucking week, too. Let's go get some steaks. Absolutely. See, we're going to go get some steaks. See what I'm saying? Nobody said a salad from California fucking pizza kitchen. The fuck is wrong with these kids? That's not a salad.

That's the only. place that had Thai fucking barbecue pizza. Who the fuck put together, Thai, there's not a Guinea and fucking Sicily that's going. Who fucking invented Thai barbecue pizza with pineapple and ranch dressing on it? And these white kids are jumping up and fucking down,

you cock suckers. Get it together. I think that pizza has actually killed more Italians. Oh, my God. Italians just throw themselves off the fucking cliffs of the Amalfi Coast. Let me tell you some. I've got... You know when you fly southwest of the L.A.X You go downstairs, they have the Jamba

juice or one of those fucking juices and that's what they got, California pizza. And every time I would go there and I meet Joe, he'd always be eating that shit. And one day I tasted that pizza and I couldn't believe how fucking bad it was and how all these fucking waspy motherfuckers are standing around

talking about their calendars and what they're going to do on their iPhones. I felt like machine gunning all these motherfuckers because that's the best thing you can do with these dumb fucks, California Pizza Kitchen your nasty motherfuckers. I wouldn't want to smell your asshole the next day. Anyway, brother, did you see that thing with Jim Valvano on ESPN?

Did you happen to watch that? Oh, yeah, the 30 for 30. Yeah, the North Carolina State. Yeah, when he was talking about that, he'd make him cut the nets down once a week to practice. And they asked Der Bailey, you know, what did you think about? He goes, it was kind of redundant, but after a while, we enjoyed it, and you start believing that you could, this is going to happen, you know. And we were talking about belief, and that story.

you told me at coffee one day about how you got into writing. I left there and my head blew up, but I knew it was possible because we always look at things and we go, we can never reach for that and all of a sudden the situation happens and there we are. Tell the story, Nick, for me, so these motherfuckers know.

Well, I got the very powerful 30 by 32 where he said his father's policing him where he said, my bag's a pack, my bags are packed, and he just, you know, then he believed that he could actually win the NCAA championship. I thought it was amazing. But I agree with you.

You know, you get the self-doubt in you. I don't know if it's a byproduct of real city Catholicism or what, you know, you and I both came from kind of fucked-up houses. And you get the self-doubt, and I was out here. I was broke. I had no money. I knew I had something. I knew I could do something for you a writer. I've been writing since second grade.

My own shit, you know, notebooks. I go to the Walgreens and I buy a spy. Remember the spiral notebooks with the metal shit running down the side? Fuck, yeah. Yeah, so I'd write in that, but I didn't know a writer. You know, I didn't know what it meant to be a writer or how you would even go about it. And so being out here, you see guys write for TV, you realize that scripts are written. And my agent at the time said, you have to write a spec script.

And I said, well, what is that? She said, it's an episode of television. So you pick an episode of TV, like Law & Order or whatever you want. If it's a comedy, write a comedy, if it's a drama, right a drama. So, well, what's an edgy drama? goes the shield. So I said, okay, I'll write one of those. And at the time, I had never seen an episode of the Shield. So I went over to Frye and I bought the DVD set of the last season of the Shield and I watched the last three episodes. And I thought, how am I going to, I

couldn't get a hold of the actual Shield script. But then in the very end of the DVD thing, was a DVD special feature that said in the writer's room. So I click on that and there's guy Sean Ryan who created the show. He's sitting in the writer's room, but behind him, there's a giant court board with index card. And I go, what the fuck is that? And it said, I think it's about episode seven. It said teaser on the card on the top of the board.

Teaser, act one, act two all the way, and then it had cards underneath it. So I hit pause on the DVD player, and I look, and I realized that that's how he had broken out an episode. So when I got a legal pad, and I drew something. squares on the legal pad, and I numbered the cards based on the what was on the TV, and I just wrote my episode in that format. Because, you know, at that time I was working at Starbucks. I didn't have time for school.

I had a two-year-old son, and I was on the grind. And I'm like, you know what? If they're not going to fucking let me in, I'm going to find a way it. I'm not giving up. I'll tell you, Joe, I'm not fucking given up. They're going to have to kill me because I'm going after it. That's what I did. I bought a $14 DVD box at a prize,

and I run an episode of television, and that's how I got hired on... Actually, that's the script that got me hired on Law and Order SB. So there you fucking have it, cock suckers. When you're scared of doing something, Mick Benacourt comes to the fucking rescue, you understand me? I love that story. You gotta go at it.

Mick, when you told me that, I went home, and I couldn't put my... And it's funny because the other day I was... You also came on a movie this year, and you told me that fucking story. I couldn't believe that either. Yeah, I did a little bit. He's on Gangster Squad, which was

it was such a great experience. It's amazing why you're sitting there. Your head's blowing up, correct? It's incredible because, you know, when guys move out, you know, like I try to help. I was a teamster back in Chicago. When guys come out that are particularly come from a blue collar background or a very poor background,

those are my guys. I'm always going to meet you. I'm always going to get coffee with you, and I'm always going to help you. Guaranteed 100% of the time. And you're going to deal with fear. You're going to deal with self-doubt. You're going to deal with a weird form of envy.

Because like you said, with California Pizza Kitchen, none of it's going to make sense. So how do you move forward? Well, what's in my control? What can I do? Well, I can go out and I can buy a DVDs at fries. How can I move my pieces forward? I go out, I don't have enough for a computer.

Well, go buy a fucking notebook and buy a pen. Keep writing. You want to be an actor? Go out and act. Anything you can act in. Doesn't matter. Shitty plays, horrible short film. There's people doing shit.

become a part of it. Get out of your head, out of your head and inaction. Don't fuck around and don't listen to yourself. Go after your dream, but it requires work. Go talk. Just work. You know, it's funny, Mick, I was sitting waiting for the plane yesterday, and I was going through my bag, a little travel bag,

and I found sides from some TV show I had done, you know, kicking it. It's a kid show. Oh, yeah. And I was sitting there, Nick, and I'm thinking to myself, that's fucking amazing, that. And what led to that way, I was throwing a buddy in my at the airport.

He called me from Jersey, and he said he saw me in some movie or something of his friends on some DVD, and he goes, you know, it's so weird that you always like movies. Since I came from Cuba, Nick, when you can't speak the language, that's how we learned to speak.

A lot of people don't know that. I learned to fucking speak the language by watching movies and acting out Dick Van Dyke. That's who I wanted to be, Nick. Mick, Dick Van Dyke. Can you believe that? In 1968, I thought Dick Van Dyke was fucking God. I'd watch him.

He's still the shit. He's still the fucking shit. And years later, I ended up doing a movie with him, and I couldn't look at him. I kept crying. And he asked me, what was it matter? Did I have a loss in the family? I go, no, I can't look at you because it reminds me coming from Cuba and being a little boy and watching your TV and you were everything to me. So it's weird that I'm in this business now, Mick.

I actually get booked in this business. And you know what's weird? In 87, right before I got locked up, I had a roommate who had a friend out here. You know those people in Chicago that you meet that have a friend out here? They're a cameraman on the show. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You think that's going to be a magic for me in the show business. Yeah, like that guy's going to get me, and he's going to tape me, and one of his friends is going to see me at a bar, and I'm going to fucking be a TV guy. And I remember actually calling him up and going to coffee with him. He lived, like, in Boulder somewhere,

but he would come out for six months and shoot, like, some stupid fucking show, and him, like, you know, telling me all this shit, you have to go to action class, and coming out. out here and getting on a movie and seeing that in reality how hard it was was really how easy it was it's very easy to get on a movie but back then i thought it was like going to the

fucking moon mick yeah like if i see a weird i think some people possess talent and the talent will open a door but they'll kick you out if the discipline isn't there like if you like and of course there's always exceptions to the rule and i think those exceptions are what bring more people here than anything to LA, but the talent needs discipline. If the discipline isn't there, those are the guys you watch fade away.

They hit a little bit. They'll do a movie, tiny part, and then that's it, because they don't have the discipline to take the ride on the rocks, you know? Because you're going to get crashed on the rocks. Oh, fuck yeah. That's the journey. That's the whole fucking patois. How do you deal with failure? Do you fucking cut and run,

or do you man up, learn from it, stand back up, just yourself clock and go, all right, round two. For my first eight years, I dealt with it with a fucking grandma blow and a gallon of water and a couple joints. Now, I just inhale it on a solo, like a doctor.

It's like walking around with no undies on. Commando. Fuck, you don't want to suck my dick, that's fine. I'll jerk off in the fucking corner. That's science. But you're bringing science to get. That's a very scientific approach. What are you going to do? Well, law percentages. Listen, man, I read that article about your boy. What's the

actor that was really big. He did the movie Walking Alone. He did like Fast and Furious. Remember women liked him? He was hot. Oh, Paul Walker? No, the other guy opposite him. He played the cop. Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel said something once. He goes, when I got here, I moved here with eight buddies.

And after three years, I was down to five buddies. And after five years, I was down to two buddies. And after eight years, I was down to one buddy. And after ten years, I got my, I fucking made it. Yeah. And nobody was left. And sometimes I believe just sticking it out.

You know, and success isn't being fucking rich or having a limo or having some Chinese guy in a rickshaw drive you around town. That's what these fucking people. Success for guys like you and me is just being here, Mick. Because we know where we were at one time in our lives. We know how dark it can get. We know that... Oh, absolutely.

We know that fuck you and your motherfucker. I'll get a gun right now and I'm making it happen on it daily. You and I both know that that's always in the quarter of our hearts that I could still go down, get a fucking gun in some new chucks, and I can make it happen, Doug. Well, that was the hardest thing when I was up against the wall when my son was two, and, you know, I didn't move out here to throw out garbage bags of coffee grind at Starbucks.

You know, that wasn't my dream scenario, and my mind started to go to that dark place, and I thought, there's kids involved now. I'm not going to fuck around. I'm going to look at my son and go, I know you're hungry, but Dad wants to be an actor. Like I can't That's not who I am

And that's where it got hard And that's where it got dark And it was You know I was right on that precipice And where you're going to go One way or the other And I just

I took the high road And I stayed out of trouble And things changed You know Because if I go down that road It's At this age I can't come back

I mean I'm going to do that You know My mother wants to jail For robbing a bank I don't have fucking time for that I can't do that to my kids You know

your mom went to jail for robbing the bank classic it's like talking to myself my mother stabbed the guy in Cuba my mother had an alias what the fuck so I'll see you later on what do you got going on right now Mike um I'm working on a show called necessary roughness on the USA Network hey there was a part on there for me last week as a coach a high school coach or something maybe recur or something there was because my agent called me he goes I just submitted you I don't know if they're going to put you on so

I was on script I forgot all about it brother I forgot me with that you know the deal I fucking text me or call me I forgot all about I just remembered now that he called me goes I just put you in for a script as a coach

it might recur or something Who the fuck knows All right well I'm heading in there this after Well I'll be in there at 10 so I'll take a look I'll see you at 8 Yeah I'll see you a couple hours And what else you got going on You want to talk about the other thing or

Yeah April 6 1030 p.m. at Radford Hall and Ben just off the corner of Woodman and Victory is our 50th show. Radford Hall has a bunch of meetings supporting the sober community. Doors open at 6 in the morning. They close at 11.30 at 11.30 at 10.30. Tickets are only 5 bucks. And it's going to be an amazing show.

So if you get a chance and you're looking for a fun night out, Saturday, April 6, 10.30 p.m. Radford Hall and Van Nuys. I'd love to see you guys out there. All right. I love you, Mike. Thank you for, that's a great story. I'll never forget, and that's why I wanted to pass it on to these fucking people.

My pleasure, man. I'll come by any time and say hey. All right, bro. I'll see you at A. Thank you. Stay black. I'll see it. Is that a comedy show? Yeah.

Oh, cool. Right by your house. See, you go minglingling. You should tell people you lease that I had. It's funny when I got in here today, Lee said that we got a lot of great comments on the Conahune podcast. Yeah. And let's get something straight, people. I've had criminals on here.

I was going to have a gangstown today, Kenji. And he couldn't make a... today so we had to switch him around i've had gangsters on here i've had touts on here you know i've had comedians on here the people that you react to the most for some reason the health people and number two anybody who talks about fucking fear you people go bananas i got 30 emails i got 22 emails on my facebook i got you know another 10 tweets about it 16 fucking emails on my tweet people were all fucking scared okay and we're all in this together you have nothing to be scared about Life doesn't have a gun.

People have guns. Life doesn't have a gun. Life's not going to fucking kill you or shoot you for fucking trying. Seriously. I get anxiety out the ass. Lee, you get anxiety sometimes? All the time. Thinking about shit.

Jesus Christ, when I was Lee's age, I had ulcers, and I would shit, and then the little blood would drip out. Not come out on this shit like a wallpaper, like a poster on the wall, but it would drip from my ulcer. And they put me on some medication that was I was thinking too much. Don't think about it. fucking nothing you want to be on fucking TV go for it you want to sew clothes and be a men's designer go for it but you want to fucking lay carpet it's your passion you know my passion is Lee fuck all this stand up and talking to people I want to coach I want to coach kids I want to be around kids you know what my other passion was Lee I want to

be a bricklayer you want that was a passion oh fucking still till this day I look at bricks and I go what the fuck am I doing with my life I want to be a brick me Lee I was fucking scared. This shit I wasn't scared for because it came natural to me. I was scared. I would get really good as a hard carry and stop. You know what else I like? I loved being an electrician.

I loved wiring the fucking boards from the pole. I loved all that shitly. But I was scared because I knew I would fuck it up or I'd burn somebody's house down. Fear stopped me from so many fucking things. By the time I got into comedy, I wasn't scared anymore. I knew one thing about comedy. By the time I'd gotten into comedy,

to comedy at 28, I knew one thing about life at that point. I always thought that everything came easier. You'd do something for two weeks and boom. Yeah. That's how I thought. I ain't going to lie to nobody. When I got into comedy, I knew one thing. I knew that.

I didn't want to go back to prison. So I knew that part of my life. I didn't want to do deep crime. And I knew that if I got into comedy, I had to work at it because this was my last chance. I knew that when I was 28 years old. I was 28. Yeah.

I was 28. People are confused at 22. At 24 right now, you're an editor, but it's not really what you want to do. You know, you'd do it for a living, and you'd make it fun, and you'd make it work for you, but you want to do other things than you're doing it. But fear would stop some people. It's crazy how you were more scared of being an electrician than being a comedian, because the podcast on Wednesday is a little different because I'm not doing it as a stand-up,

but being a stand-up in front of people terrifies me. I could never do that. Well, you know, like I said to you, I remember months ago you came to me. I want to do it. I said, Lee, I want you to get your chops up. And Lee, you've really got your chops up on this podcast. It's hard to believe you're an editor. You're usually looking at the computer sitting there like a fucking momo,

cutting, and going back and cutting and going back in your own. And what amazzing me about you is you don't even get high and do it. Oh, yeah. So me to do that type of shit, I got to smoke 55 joints just to sit there and go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. It's a fucking nightmare. But somebody's got to do it, but please, people. You know, I love it that.

You guys react to the, I talked about fear one time on a podcast. They made videos about it. So that tells me that people are fucking scared. And you know what? Like I said, I was so scared. I didn't do shit until I was 28. I was hiding at college, selling fucking cars.

And I wouldn't even do that correctly. I was always fought to fit on the board. And between you and me, I was the best salesman on that fucking floor. Yeah. If I was me. But I was always scared. I was always scared to reach because deep in my heart, I remember it was a piece of shit.

Well, eventually you got to find. I can talk yourself out of that shit and just go for it. So if you're scared, you know what? We're all fucking scared. Just do me a favor and go. What you got to musically? What do you got from here? You ain't smoking dope.

You ain't doing with your roommate. She ain't coming in together, bro. People want to see him on the show. We're up to the camera here. She can come in and dance in the morning for us. One quick fucking song. And then we're off and running. Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck. Lee. You took him to be deep with this one. I'm going to fucking. Oh, shit. It's Monday. Watch that pussy. Motherfuckers.

Go out there and get to what the hell you want to do? Oh shit. Whatley? Oh. You're talking about shout-outs, Lee? Oh, shit. Jesus Limon. Barclay and Bend, Oregon.

Mark Julando. Riley Barrett. I love you, motherfucker. Lou Greco, you bad cock sucker. Jamaica Queens Desquard and Robert Garza. We're here with your motherfuckers. Oh, shit. What do you think about that, wait?

Wiggle, Uncle Joe. Let me get a little wiggle. Your 50 pounds, Latter, Lee. 60 pounds, 60 pounds ladder. Write that with your fingers. Oh, shit, Lee. Like that with your hands. Spirit fingers? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Like this.

Oh, shit. Look at you. I got a pass it. Oh, shit, Lee. A. West. Back to the hotel. Kick a Lee. Put that on, Lottily. Get up, motherfucker. It's Monday. March 25th. Watch that pussy.

Taxes are due in three weeks. Talksuckers. Get your W-9s. Go down to 8. Ch-Noblock, get a fucking return, go to honor.com, get your life started, buy your fucking sneakers, go run, do something to the, hit it leave.

Want some of this roach, it's on fire, Lee. We've not had enough. Oh shit. Let me have enough. I had enough. I had like your fucking fourth joint this morning. Hey, what are you talking about, Lee? What do you mean?

What about talking about? I bring you the best of the best, this one batch of weed. People were bringing back to the most of the strong. You can bring it back? Yeah, the people were like bringing it back was too strong. Oh shit. And you don't want to smoke.

It's clean. It's clean. It's stony. It's clean. Oh, it's great. But I haven't been smoking for 30 years. Like, if I smoke anymore, I'm going to go crazy. So when's your first fucking come back to eat, what are you going to do?

All we're going to do is this. I have 11 days left or 10 days left. And then what happens in 10 days? I'm starting off with salad and soup or something like that probably today. Me and you were going to fucking. Morty's and when you get a steak and a salad. My stomach will explode.

That's okay. We'll explode right there. Go get you a nice lobster. I don't like lobster. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What type of fucking Jew do you don't like lobster? I know Jews that got many of the lobsters in their freezer

they hold it like cougarans. Do you know that shit? I like crap. They got that. I got a fucking Jew finding Jersey that's holding on to 2,000 lobster's pre-fucking oil spill. He says these things are fucking mint.

Oh, geez. He's holding them like I got Jews that hold on to lobster tails like cougars. They go up in value. The ones with no fucking Katrina oil on them and all that shit. Whatever the fuck those lobster tails. I got a fucking clam. It had like a fucking oil valve in it.

Oh, Jesus. Fuck that. But I got, how don't you like lobster? I'll have to try it again. When I was younger, I like shrimp. Oh, I love shrimp. Okay, this is what we're going to do. For your first meal, you're going to come over the house.

I'm going to get stoned. Okay. I'm going to get the fucking bloggy. I'm going to go down to, um, Marty fucking whatever, Morton's and get a nice salad. Okay. And we're going to get some fucking,

some fucking... How can you eat 30 pounds of shrimp? Some of what's happening now, Marty. We've got a shrimp cocktail for you with some horseradish, all right? Oh. So we're done. That's your first meal. No fucking salad from California pizza.

I'm not going to eat the pizza either. That shit's over. No, no, no, listen. It's over. It's over. It's over. I'm going to tell you this. I'm not going,

but my friends from work wanted to take me. me out like a few days later when I could eat guess where they wanted to take me to get wings hooters this what I'm talking about you got to see your face you got to talking about you got to stab these people hooters to see chicks with stockings on that don't want to show you their fucking tits you fucking tits you fucking filthy animal show me that monkey look at chili you're fucking stone shit what I'm gonna do with you I don't know what I'm gonna do with chilee no hooters no no we're gonna no more than you more than you're gonna right there in Burbank.

Okay. I'm going to go in there for lunch. We're going to valet park like doctors. I'm going to go in there. I'm going to get a little lobster biscuit. I'm going to get a little steak. I'm like that blue cheese salad with the crumbles or tomatoes and shit. Oh, the wet salad?

Yep. You're going to get a wet salad with a nice shrimp cocktail. You see where you're at. Holy shit. That sounds amazing. I'll bring a joint. We'll go outside. We'll hit it.

We'll come back and then you decide. You want a fucking steak. I'll drop that. Oh, I love a steak right now. We'll get some church of what's happening. Now I'm money for you. Or we'll just get the steak and you bring it home to go. So you're good for the first day.

You got to take care of yourself. You did a major thing. You did a major thing that most people can't do. How many days, 60 are you going to go, right? Well, I'll get to like 42. 42 days. You got to go for 85, like fucking Moses. I'm going to do it for another 30 once my mom leaves.

So once you're going to do 40. So we'll do this. You call me. You go, listen, I'm going to go back to eat Monday. We'll make the reservations. Arty Morton. We'll go right to Artie Morton's 12 o'clock. Nice.

fucking shrimp car. Real shrimp. Oh, I love shrimp cocktail. Pre-Katrina, pre-Oil, pre-Poter-Rican, pre-Cubin, fucking dumping garbage out there when they're fucking swim back, those greasy fucking Cubans. So we're going to go get your nice steak, a nice shrimp cocktail. Nice.

Like doctors, no fucking, can't stop that shit, dog. Stop it. Stop it. We're going to go to the fucking Farmersmark, get you some nice apples. Okay. Some oranges, you know what I'm saying? Some pears. You don't go to the Farmers Market on low on Sunday.

You got to go to the Farmers Market. See some hot chicks with tattoos. They're walking around with their kids. They got a nice chick with tattoos. Don't you want a girl with a tattoo? It doesn't matter to me. Where's Rosie? It's over.

No, she's in Boston. Oh, you call you talked to her lately? Yeah. You're still in love? They're still holding hands you on Rosie. I can't hold my Rosie. Can't hold hands with her. She's in Boston.

So she's coming out in June to visit you to give you a little Stamink in the face? You'll be 90 pounds later. You're going to be doing fucking somersault diving into that fucking pussy, aren't you? My goal is. to buy July to be down 100 pounds 100th? 100 pounds flat?

Yeah. You want to be 100 pounds? Yeah. Because I'm down 62 and I have until July 20th to lose another 40, 35, something like that.

Oh shit. So you're 135 right now? What? You're 135 pounds right now? I wish. That's what I was going to say. So you want to weigh 100? No, I want to lose 100 pounds.

100 more pounds. You're going to juice? You're going to do jumping tax. What's your plan? ever tacked. See, Weight Watchers, because I can't, this juice thing has been tough. The past couple weeks has been tough.

You're stuck with it. Oh, yeah. I've stuck with it. It's like a black dick. You're stuck with it. You put it up your ass and you're wiggling. You're not crying. You're not tapping out.

I can't do it. You're fucking sitting on it and you're taking it like a man. Yeah. So, yeah, just the Weight Watchers. And then my plan is to juice for breakfast because I don't really, that was my biggest problem is I never really ate breakfast. I'm going to buy a juicer. Did I tell you?

Oh, really? I don't know if I'm going to make the kale, but I want to make fruit juices in the morning. It's good. I love it, I love it. A little watermelon, a little cantaloupe. That shit's good for it. I've never had watermelon.

Yeah, still, you don't go to that's because you don't go to the fucking farmer's market. You got these Mexicans at the world. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Who's this? Hey, I'm watching, baby. Okay. Oh, shit.

Look who it is. My brother Vinnie Boom Boom, Boom, Kirtle. What's happening, baby? What's going on, buddy? I'm nothing. You sound good for seven in the morning. You do a couple jumping jacks already? Yeah, I took the dogs out for a quick sprint.

How old are you now, Vinny? I'm 57. And you're still in tremendous shape. You're a title world champion. You're a fucking savage. Yeah. You sound great. I had you call in today because Vinny's doing a live podcast with us.

For you people, no, no. He did Beauty and the Beast with myself and Felician hit it out of the fucking pocket. I looked at Beauty and the Beast about a month ago, and his episode was 100,000 more hits than this. anybody else has been in. Seriously? Yeah, yeah. You have a beautiful story.

You have a TV show coming out, I guess, or you're working on one? Yeah, we're working on one called Fifth Street. Fifth Street, about the gym in Miami where you're trained, and what's been going on? Papa, talk to me. Well, you know, I work with my manager. He lives in New Jersey,

and we, you know, we're on the phone most of the day. And actually, after this show, I'll probably be on the phone with him for two hours. I was trying to put it all together. He's the only one in this world that got me. He read my stuff. He really got what I was trying to say. He knows about my life.

He knows about it. And he got to talk to all the right people from what I understand. All right. So hopefully we'll be seeing you on the show. But most important, I mean, the people don't know about Vinny Kurt, First time I even knew about fucking Benny, I've seen him on Miami Vice. He was Bruce Willis' bodyguard on one of the early episodes.

Then I seen him on one of my favorite movies of all time, 29th Street, and favorites still to this day. And then I met him at the comedy store. And we're brothers, fucking 15. He got me my first audition out on his feet. I mean, Vinnie's in the... I've watched the tapes. I've had him on the podcast, and I break his balls.

I love you, Vinny. You know that, right? Yeah, same here, okay? You have Cuban, you got the Cuban blood in you, you got the Rodney Dangerfield thing. Are you excited about doing a live podcast? Because, you know, you always tried your hand in the comedy. You sold scripts in this town. Well, I mean, it's always an honor to work with you anywhere.

You know, if you get a comedy job, you get a comedy job, right? If I say, yeah, I just did a show with a, who's that Cuban comedian comedian? Joe Dias. Oh, no kidding. No, but we're sure we can. use you, you got a big name, okay? So I try to leverage your name so I can get a job, okay?

You're a fucking savage. I love you. Do you know what you want to talk about this Tuesday? Any of the stories we talked about before, about the little boy, I mean, your boxing career, anything about Sinatra? I mean, like I said, you have a thousand fucking stories. Yeah, that was

funny. I was fighting I was fighting in Madison Square Garden, if you want me to tell that. I was fighting and they called me up. They called me up. These, these, how can I say, Pisano's called me up and said,

they had a kid that they want, you know, that they want to go to this. And, okay, so I fight this guy in the garden, and I'm blocking, slip, and sliding, but I'm not from no punches because that's what the deal is. Anyways, and, you know, Sinatra walks in,

with a guy named Jilly Rizzo and he sat down and said isn't this the kid that he goes this is the kid that fought Vita went to the firm in Vegas because we talked to this kid he goes to my mom his kid it looks like he's handcuffed so he sent the guy Jilly

Rinkside and found out that I was doing something for the bull and from New York and he goes he never liked that guy he goes tell the kid go win go win tell the kid so they come to me in the seventh you know the fifth round and he goes

kid win I said just came five rounds. My corner went berserk. I went out to six round. I ain't him a shot. He went flying, right? And I started banging away, and all of a sudden, we clenched. I look wingside, and there's the bull.

I'm going to kill you right here, you motherfucker. I said, why don't they make up their minds? I didn't know they weren't together. Anyways, I come down on the stretch and I get a draw. I don't lose. And Sinatra, you know, I'm in my dresser. was always hilarious. Sinatra, you know, they bang on my door,

and all of a sudden the guy comes in there, he goes, oh, kid, it was Jillian and another guy. He's his kid, he goes, and Sanatra, I said, yeah, tell him my limb was on the other side of the garden, I got to get the hell out of here, right? All of a sudden, this guy that I knew he's, you know, he's a pretty serious guy coming.

He goes, you know, the guy wants to see it. I said, I'll be right there. I say I wasn't coming. Anyways, we go to this place called the, the, the, uh, the, uh, the, the Waldorf Astoria, I always forget the name, the Waldorf Astoria to the top floor, the Waldorf Astoria. Walking, there was these big doors, they opened the French doors,

a big suite, he's sitting at a grand piano with his tie open, put a drink on the piano, and to the right was his wife, Barbara, and you know, a blonde lady, and there was another guy named Irving Cutler that sat there. He was one of the band members. And he goes, what are you doing? He said, what do you do with a guy? I said, I said, buddy, I have no idea. Right.

So it took me, they took me to Palm Springs to his house. And the strangest thing happened when I was in his house. I finally realized how the other half lives. So it was Friday night, excuse me, it was Monday night. And he says, it's Monday night football. He goes, what kind of hot dogs do we want? Right. So he sent, he sent, he sent,

one of the guys to the store in Palm Springs to get some hot dogs for the Monday football. And he didn't like him. So he sends his private jet to a lot of the dogs that he wanted. When he put the hot dogs at the table, I felt like a desperado.

I wanted to dive and eat seven of them because they had to be worth but the jet fuel right, like 150 bucks each. I swear to God, I couldn't believe it. He sent the friggin' jet to pick up. hot dogs. That's fucking amazing. With the jet fuel and everything, those hotbacks

had to be worth $150 bucks each. You even took one to go. You stole one. I was scott. You tried to pawn one the next fucking week at all fucking hot dog. Vinny, I'm looking forward to this Wednesday night. We're going to do this up at the Ice House of Pasadena. Call up now 626-577, 1894.

Not you, Vinny. You don't have to call. You get them for free. Okay. All right, cock-suck-suck. I love you. I'll see you Wednesday. Thank you for calling, brother. Okay, I see you. Bye, bye. I love you.

We're going to have a fucking great time. I can't wait for that. This guy's got nine hours of story. If you're in the area, you know anybody, call them. You don't want to miss it. This is our first real live podcast. It's like an event.

Bring refit, bring explosives. If you got a pair of Lindsay's underwear, bring them, leave him to sniff, and you sniff your roommates on these years. No, I would sniff her. What the fuck are you waiting for? She's a roo- She's so fucking cute. Yeah, she's a great girl.

I can't fucking she's living here. So on. And I would sniff her running and sniff where the asshole is to see if she starts. Like the filter, just to prepare you. That's how I want you to start practicing. I don't want you. Listen, if this black, she's going to fart in your face, but she's getting pissed already. She thinks this bullshit.

What I got to do it? So you might have to do it Wednesday night. So that's how to be a special treat. I feel a cold coming on. A cold. You got to be the fucking cold host, cuck, suck. And it's not going to be live on you stream. We're going to tape it and put it on.

So we're going to have a podcast Wednesday morning for you to get your day starting. to get your day started, and we're going to have a podcast for you Wednesday night, which will probably be put on that weekend or something. Lee's fucking busy, start a new job. Lee's a fucking set. And I'm very proud of him. We've got to get some Diet Coke,

because I'm burping too much from this Pepsi. It changes? They're putting aspartine or some shit in this. And remember, as always, I'll be at the South, what is it, the South Beach Comedy Festival, sponsored by Comedy Essential. Tickets are online. Like I said, they give me one fucking show,

but if I get halfway in, they'll give me another one. I know you motherfuckers, the people in Miami, the people we do, we're not like fucking planet motherfuckers. We live by today. We live by today, and I appreciate this, but this time I need a favor. I need for you to get tickets, so they had the second show, so I'm down there in Miami two days. I go to Potasaga, we could smoke some dope.

You know what I'm saying? You can show me your wife's titty. Some guy fucking in Sacramento made his wife show me the fucking titty's trying to ask me if you want to, if you wanted how to touch my cock. It's tremendous. People are fucking crazy. I was so fucking embarrassed. If he wasn't there, I'd suck my fucking helmet,

but no, I'm just teasing you guys. It was a great episode today, Lee. I loved it. We talked about some shit. I want people to know you don't have to be fearful of nothing, man. If you want to do it, fucking go for it. Email Lee. He loves doing emails and shit.

Facebook, Twitter. Email me. Don't forget, looker, every fucking, you know, I'm a fat fuck. I'm not dieting like Lee, but I work out really hard. The problem is you could work out like fucking Jesus Christ. If you don't maintain your diet, it just sucks. You know what I'm saying?

So you have to really stay on your diet. Before you do any workout, go to a doctor. See if you even build for it. Maybe there's a problem. I got to go for a 50-year checkup. I got to do something different. They call me from Kaiser the other day. I swear to God, that's my co-insurance company.

That's my wife's insurance company. Okay. I'm driving, and they call me out of Blune. Jose, how are you doing? This is your physician from Kaiser. I'm like, This is a joke. We like, we like for you to come in. They didn't say it this way, but they're like to shit in a cup.

so we could examine your shit, you're getting to be 50. Oh, my God. So I've been scared. There's something wrong with my asshole there. I thought it was a joke because they said something else, except you shit in a cup and you bring it in and whatever. I don't want a shit in a cup. That's embarrassing.

I'm fucking 50 years old. I'm shit in a fucking cup. I'm shit in your yard. You want to pick it up and scoop it up. That's your fucking predicament. But shit in a cup, that's disgusting. And I even told the way that I go, is this a joke? I mean, you know, I'm a comedian.

I'm a comedian. And she goes, no. I go, you guys aren't even my primary doctor. It's really sad. So I'll call them and set an appointment up. I'm going to call and setting something up for the week after holy week. Once my wife gets back and shit. I've been taking out too much fucking blood lately.

They're going to suck me fucking dry. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, I have no fucking blood level. But go to honor.com after that. I've been doing the bone thing again. Strong bone again. And since I've been traveling a lot, I've been taking the immune tech. Yeah.

And I feel like a fucking million bucks. I really do. That shit is hard. And I break that workout up into 20 minutes on the bike, 20 on the treadmill and 20 on the epileptical. Dog, it fucking kills me. Oh, yeah. Oh, my joint, so, I've been doing the strong bone again.

Onit's making some great stuff. They just released the kettlebell line. You can't get those or 10% discount on those. But for any other Onet products, go to the box, put in the word church, get 10% off, get on the email list. They'll give you specials to sing your t-shirt, shit like that, that you can't get from anybody else. Onet works, people. And if you don't like typing, you can just go to Joey Diaz. There's a banner for Onet.

There's a ban it for Amazon. and you get all your tickets. There you go. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? South Beach Comedy Festival, April fucking 19th. I'm going to be in Austin. Did you know that? I didn't know who went to Austin.

Fuck yeah. The first week of May, I'm going to Austin at the Cassidy Comedy Club. I'm going back to Long Island, back to Long Island, back to Long Island. May 18th. I'm going to Lexington, Kentucky. I'm going to Philadelphia this year in the summer. I'm going. I'm coming to see you, motherfucker.

So somebody home in, Philly ain't selling tickets. You're holding. Hold on. Tuck, Sucker. We're coming. Dead Squad. Harlem. We're fucking coming. I'm telling you. You've got to lose weight for the for the barbecue

and the cheese steaks. Oh my God. Now let me ask you this one thing before I let you go. You're going to Philly. I've been in Philly. I've had the cheese steaks. I've only had it with the, uh, is it, it's not mozzarella. Provalone. The cheese whiz, freak me out. Do you get with the cheese or do you go with Popul? I don't like, I don't like you. What are you in prison? Because the, the

provol. Oh, God, I love that. And I like it one that's a little bit, the steaks a little bit. Let me tell you. Let me take. What are you going to? Fuck. I'm Marty Morton's. I'm gonna take you to Vine in Hollywood Okay Steak Depot for a cheese steak with steak fries.

Oh Who loves you? Talks to you like Uncle Joey I think I might pass out I love steak With some fucking crystal hot sauce A little bit on the cheese steak A little bit on the fries

Oh yeah Because I've been craving one of those lately But you have to get it We'll go together And we'll get the foot long Just to knock your side And you get home and fart When you go there, you leave there, you close stink.

Oh, yeah, they have. Like that grease and shit. Oh, it's delicious. I love steak. And they're expensive. They're 15, 20 bucks for a sandwich, but they don't fuck around. Oh, other than that's worth a thing. Yeah.

They don't fuck around. That's what you want, Lee. They don't fuck around. You want to be eating a kangaroo next thing. You don't want to be eating a kangaroo next thing that you're speaking like some fucking like Russell Crow and Javier. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. You don't want that shit.

I'm taking care of you, Lee. No more. You got to take good care. No more California Pizza Kitchen. What's wrong with the cell? No more? No more. I looked it up.

It's lettuce. It's tomatoes. It's little corn salsa, some chicken. And I can get the dressing on the side. I didn't see that. I don't know. I can't see that dressing. I can get the dressing on the side.

And I know you. You're like me. You want to bathe it in there. You're a little chubby fuck. You batheed all over yourself, don't you? When you're eating chicken wings, you put the blue cheese on your face. Don't you? Who you fucking think you're dealing with, dog?

That sauce is what kills you. Yeah. I'm the king of it. There's a place over here. It's a coyote. where you go as a woman if you're in labor and you eat the salad and they guarantee you'll have the kid in 48 hours.

LA Times, play. Everybody does, they make a delicious fucking chopped salad with lettuce, pepperoni, mozzarella cheese. I have it without the black holidays. I know it's delicious, but when I go home and put the points in, it's like 10 fucking points for a salad.

Your salad should not be 10 points. That's true, yeah. I'm just trying to help you up. You want to wait once is I'm going to tell you the same thing. Yeah. So now I'm going to attempt to omit the mozzarella or omit the pepperoni,

and that's not bad. I like a little cheese. in there for, you know. A little flavor, yeah. And that's it. It's a beautiful fucking week. So I gave you the dates. What else? We got the Ice House Wednesday night with Vinny Curdo. Tell him stories about Sinatra, Sammy the Bull.

It's an event, people. It's up to you. What the fuck? You know, stay home and watch dancing with the stars. And some people jumping up and down. You don't give a fuck about. Or you come sit with Uncle Joe. I think that $10 tickets. Who are you kidding? All right. That's it. That's all I have to tell you. It's get out there. It's Monday. We love you. What are we going to close up with here?

Tell me if you want to change it. we're having Vinny Curdo on and he spent some time with the Sinatra, I have come fly with me. You want to do something else? You're fucking serious. I don't know. We're fucking 80 now. We got to end with something good.

Give me something. Even back to the motel, something. Okay. Wednesday, 6 a.m. We'll see you then, cock suckers. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Munchies, lollipops, eat somebody's pussy today. The world is yours.

Hit it, Lee. Subscribe to the podcast with Donna like number fucking 2000. What's wrong with you cock-suckers? Subscribe today, subscribe today. We got to get up there. We got to like number fucking eight or something like that. I love you guys. Have a great day.

Be safe. Uncle League. Tell these motherfuckers you love him. Give me a kiss. Love you guys. Let me see your wiggle phone. Golly. What?

Drop it like a motherfucker that char. Bidna, get it. Dink. Suck it, you fucking filthy animal. Oh, yeah. Where's Rose? Ooh. Thinking about you, Rose.

Ooh, hit it. Oh shit, it's Lee doing a wiggle for Papa. If you're gonna burn calories, you gotta keep waiting. Alright, let me see. Ooh. Oh, yeah, fuck! Oh, yeah, fuck! See you guys.

See you guys. Park to rock 118, but lay low, cause I really don't want to be seen. Is this the room? Oh, yeah, that's the right one. I got the black rod and you got the white one. So, bids.