The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #035 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Monday, February 1st.... Today, we talked about feeling ashamed in life and opening up as a comedian and being honest on stage..... This episode is brought to you by MVMT Watches, CBD Lion & ONNIT...... Go to https://www.MVMT.com/JOEY and enter Code: VDAY20 Go to https://www.cbdlion.com and enter Code: JOEY or CHURCH Go to https://www.onnit.com and enter Code: CHURCH And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals

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It starts with Onet. Let's kick this motherfucker off right now I thought it was a trick candle there for a second I love you motherfuckers What's happened you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here Monday the first of fucking February Where the fuck the January go

We would just celebrate New Year's Eve What? Four fucking days ago That's how fast life is fucking moving right now Even though things are rough out there And we're still trying to get settled It's moving that fast life don't give a fuck about what's going on with you. So that's why you got to catch up.

I'm happy you're here on a beautiful fucking Monday morning. It's fucking coming down here in Jersey. It's fucking snowing and I love it. I got fucking Umberto coming over to shovel today because obviously Papa can't do it. I love shoveling snow. I don't give a fuck for you motherfuckers that were laughing at me and saying I would move out of Jersey after the first snow.

Well, we're up to number two, and I'm still fucking here, cock suckers, so you can all suck my dick. Snow don't care. What people never understood was. I already did 18 fucking winters in Jersey when it was really fucking winter, not this fucking climate control shit that nothing happens here in November, because now it's a little milder here. And you guys forget I did what? 13 real winters in Colorado, with my first winter in Colorado being the fucking version. It snowed 25 fucking days in a row.

Are you fucking kidding me? And you motherfuckers are trying to tell me, oh, he'll leave Jersey after it gets cold. Go fuck yourself. I'm tougher than that. I put 20 fucking years under this cold weather already. This isn't even cold. Like they tell you, it's gonna be warm.

Bone bristering cold weather. My wife is into that. She gets the hat, the whole fucking thing. Yesterday on my side with a hooded sweatshirt walking up and down the corner, exercising my knee. in my knee. I wasn't cold. The sun was out. About 3.30, I ain't gonna lie to you. You got fucking cold. But at 11 and 12, it was nice out. You could have gone outside and played

with a ball for 30 minutes. It was beautiful. So don't let the fucking TV. Listen, weathermen are not always fucking right. I can't stand fucking weatherman. I fucking want to stab them all. Because the weather is an hypothesis, which is actually an educated guess. That means, that's why like my wife is great. I go to, what's the weather like? What's the weather like? today and she'll go on her back pocket and look at her phone and go oh it's it's gonna be uh 63 degrees what you can look out the fucking window i open up the door and i already tell you what the fucking weather is i'm no fucking weather man i'm not educated to give out the fucking weather but all you do is you go like that and you go oh it's cloudy and it's snow that's the fucking weather

what else is there to do my wife's in there like it's 63 degrees then she'll give you like the 10-day acu weather listen they can't predict tomorrow how the fuck are they got to predict the next 12 days. Give me a fucking, leave me alone. Give me a fucking break. Anyway, thank God you're here today. I want to explain some stuff because everything turns into something. And with this podcast, you know, the podcast has,

and then people hit me with a thousand fucking questions on what I meant. And I got one question that was fucking brilliant. I got that question over and over again. And I didn't even imagine it. I didn't even see it as I was coming. I think that's how fucked up I've been lately. I didn't even see the window. open there as I was talking about it. Last week I was talking about that, I got into a little

disagreement with a guy, shotgun dug, when he was embarrassing me and telling me that I was a jailbird and shit and how much I was pissed off because at that time in 94, I didn't want anybody to know. But for you to understand this story, we have to go back with this. There was nothing. Listen, my mother died. That's a shame. God took a, What are you going to do? You have to move on. Try to explain that to a 16-year-old kid. You're not going to. Now, as a 58-year-old adult, I get it. People die, and you have to move on. When you're going through it, you don't really fucking know what's going to happen on. You're overwhelmed with pain. You know, you're overwhelmed with all this fucking shit, you know. And I had to do things. After my mother died, you know, somebody asked me, when did you become,

You know, how did you prepare yourself to become a man or something like that? I became a man when that ambulance was going down the corner with the lights blinking and my mother was in the back of it. That's when I became a man. There was no preparation. You know, I went from being a lazy, fucking faggy kid who, you know, I don't like peas to, you better eat those fucking peas because that's all you got. Do you understand me? So I never had the natural course like most young men. that they evolved. I became a man when my mother's, when the ambulance was pulling away of my mother.

That was it. It was me alone in the fucking house. And after that, I was taking care of. You know, my friends took care of me or whatever. I was stupid. I was very hardheaded. And I did something that in my world, you had to be a fucking complete loser to do. Even though I knew you had to be a loser to do it, I did it anyway, because that's who I was. and it didn't really matter at that time. What mattered what was in front of me. Yeah, I was going to school and I was getting an education

and I was getting good grades, but I also had a fend for myself. There was no social security. My mother didn't leave a will. There was no fucking big money coming at me. You know, Zerrida would give me 200 a week. You know, I would work in a hardware store and make another buck 50.

You know, I sold drugs. I did this. I did everything I could. to make ends meet. But by my senior year, I knew opportunities were around that high school. I don't know. I don't know what happened to me. And by my senior year, I mean, this is how much of a loser I am, that I quit the beginning of my senior year. Like, I went to school for like a week and quit my senior year. That's like quitting comedy after 10 years. When you, you, You've already done the grunt work.

That's like quitting the NBA after one season. That is just the dumbest fucking thing a human being could ever do. But I did it. When I did that, I felt fucking terrible. I had a job at Mazbek. I don't want you to think I quit just for the sense of quitting. I quit because I had a job that offered me 20-some dollars an hour, 18 an hour at the time, something fucking crazy.

you know and uh i i worked it for two months and then they promoted me to a night uh whatever and i had to work till five in the morning and i can never get so i just said you know what man let me get this job let me um you know try to make something of myself down here and listen i started down there as a warehouse man and it was a temporary position for 30 days and it was a very very very hard to make the union. The guy who was in charge of you, of making the decision about you, was a real fucking prick. But he may not have liked me. He might not like how I dressed, my hair, whatever, that I was Spanish, whatever the fuck it was. But one thing he definitely liked about me was the way I worked. When I got that job, I knew there was no more fucking

pussy footing. So I went in there head first. I did everything I had to do. I got to. I got at the job like in the beginning of July, 81. And, you know, it was like, I think it was like 11 bucks to start or something like that. Something just fucking crazy. And I went in there, dog, if my shift was from 10 in the morning to 6 at night, I worked from fucking 9 to 7. I was fucking there. And whatever jobs I picked were the ones that made you lift the most.

Like if it was chains and electrical wiring, Mazbek hardware. Masback Century hardware was a hardware chain. And that's what they had. So I would carry all the big stuff. 90 bag concrete, I would always volunteer for those pallets. So boom, I made the union. And then, like two or three weeks after I make the fucking union,

a job opens up for a night loader. It was gravy. It was seven to four. They had overtime maybe two or three nights a week till six. But on Fridays, you worked eight to seven, to eight and you got paid for fucking the whole eight hours. So I had to fucking take the job. I put my name on a list just like anybody else.

They fucking, you know, I was like, I'm number one. I'm not going to get it. It was based on seniority on how much, how long you had been there. Bro, out of the skin of my teeth, I nailed the job. I got the fucking job and after August, I started making money. I was able to pay some bills. I was able to buy some clothes. I was able to do things I hadn't been able to do

because I was a little fucking too crazy or whatever. It was like overwhelming money. It wasn't little pieces that I was getting five days a week. It was overwhelming. So for the first time I could buy clothes, for the first time I could buy a winter jacket. And if you think I'm fucking, you know,

I was on my own at fucking 18 already. So once school was going to start, the first week, I went back, and I loaded trucks, and I think I went to a couple classes, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it, because my first class was at 7.30.

I was part of the CIA work study program. So that means that I would go to school from 7.30 to 12.30, and then go to my job, but everything had switched. I had gotten a new job and everything had switched. So the day I decided to quit high school, I went on a fucking Coke binge for three days, because in my world, that was the fucking lowest thing I could do.

Never mind the houses I was burglarizing. Never mind the drugs. Never mind all that shit that I was already embarrassed about. But here I was doing the thing I believed that made you the biggest fucking loser in the world. Quit in the fucking high school. And a good friend of mine did it. He was like a brother to me.

He quit because his family had a fruit company. And he was getting groomed to take over the company. Okay. Then you quit. You're going to be a fucking multi-millionaire someday. But I didn't have the same opportunities. I just saw that he was doing great. I thought about it.

And against all my wishes and everything, I fucking quit. I quit fucking high school. And you guys have no idea how bad that made me feel. Till today, I feel a little bit bad about it. But I ended up doing something with my life. And I got my GED. So it doesn't sting as much as it did. But at that time, guys, I can't tell you how much that bothered me.

And you don't even know what pain is. You don't want me to tell you what pain really is? The first Thanksgiving after high school. And, you know, I went to the bar to sell fucking Coke, obviously, right? Me and my friends are selling Coke. And all of a sudden, all these kids I was in high school with coming home from fucking that first semester at college for Thanksgiving break. And I remember being at that fucking bar that night. And they're all talking about their colleges and their fraternities and their sororities.

And here I am sitting with my loser friends selling Coke. Do you have any idea what a loser feels like? I felt like a fucking loser that night. You ever watch the movie fucking St. Elmo's Fire? When Rob Lo goes back up to the school and fucking one of the guys says to him, Hey, man, I don't know what you're going to stay up here for? And he goes, I don't know. I'm not sure.

I just came up. And he goes, we love it when you're here. because we get all the good drugs. There's a look on his face and that's the exact feeling I had that night. Like that's all I was good for was to sell fucking drugs. Here's all the kids that I've known for 10 years.

Now they're all in fucking college and me and my three loser buddies are sitting at the bar drinking thinking we're fucking cool. You ain't that fucking cool. I wasn't that fucking cool. So I want you to understand the embarrassment I had

when I quit high school because where I came from, where I'm coming from, that is like the worst thing you could do. That's like just fucking tattooing a loser L right on your fucking forehead. And I did it anyway. So I lived with that and I felt terrible. When I got a chance to get out of North Bergen, I went to Colorado. Why do you think I went to Colorado Mountain College?

Why do you think I took those classes? Because I love knowledge. I love learning. Till today, till this day, I love. love learning something new. Somebody I just met with a girl Friday, a dear friend of mine, Erica and her family. And she gave me a book that she had written about, you know, success and motivation. I started reading it. I love learning shit. At 58, I still love sitting down and reading, but learning reading, reading something about weight loss or diabetes or, you know,

I didn't look at the fucking anything about the knee surgery, until after I had the knee surgery, because if I would have read up on it, then I would have been too much of a pussy. But now I've been reading up on it. I love learning. I love what I just went through. What I just went through with the surgery and how people tell you, oh, be careful. You're going to get hooked on the drug pills.

I fucking didn't want to get hooked on drug pills. I love how I learned that I had like a system. I had to take my fucking pain pill at 9. I had to take my CBD at 10. I had to take my, you know, like I was always in front. of the pain. Somebody talked to me on Patreon. They were a pharmacist and they were like, you want to stay on top of the pain.

So I love what I learned. So now when somebody else has surgery, I could pass it on to them. What I learned, not by reading a book from fucking experience. I learned how to use the fucking tape around the wound. I had tins,

those things that give you electroshock. I would do those before Mike came today. I told them call me from the Wawa, because I'm going to ice my niece. When I sit here, you know, I'm going to be here for an hour. I don't want it to get stuck on me and whatnot. I learned how to work with the pain.

Do I look fucking stone to you? Do I look fucking high to you or whatever? No, because I took aspirins instead of pain medication. So I wouldn't have to get hooked on it. So now I could take it at night. I'll take my medication for fucking the news tonight or something like that. Whatever the fuck I watch at 8. I'll take it at 8 so it doesn't interfere with my sleep.

The word is I love knowledge. So for me to quit high school, it destroyed my basic insides. So now, let's go back to fucking everything that's going on here. I lost faith in fucking God, okay, when my mother died, because what kind of a god takes away a mother from a 16-year-old kid? I fucking lost faith in myself when I got the GED. And now, guess what? Eight years later, I'm in a fucking prison cell.

So, I had two recipes by the age of 25. This is why, again, I'm talking to you from experience. This isn't a book. This isn't a fucking self-help book. This isn't a life coach telling you. Let me tell you something. You don't know how bad it is when they throw you in a jail cell. And here you are in jail with a loser tattoo from being in prison.

and a matching, I had two matching ls over here. Loser for prison and loser for quitting high school. I just should have just had extensions on my fucking eyebrows and put two L's looking at each other. Because that's what, dog, after you got a GED and you're in prison, there ain't much hope left. There ain't much hope left. The only hope you have is to fucking,

hopefully they'll hire you at Subway to sell fucking shark-skinned tuna sandwiches. Did you see that shit? Even the tuna ain't fucking real. Didn't I tell you motherfuckers 10 years ago? Remember when I used to torture Lee That the fucking turkeys? Yeah, it could be turkey meat,

but it's probably one of those turkeys that got hit by a fucking car. That ain't a quality fucking turkey. Now they're getting sued for using shark meat and monkey meat as fucking tuna. You guys are going to tell me my fucking business? You're going to tell me my fucking business?

That's why I didn't want to end up in a fucking subway. So I had two capital hells. How much shame can somebody have. I quit high school and I went to and I had a felony.

I had no prospects. I had no prospect. You ever talk to somebody? I got a couple things going on. My uncle's going to get me into the union. I had nothing. I had no prospects.

When you got a felony and you're a GED fucking and you're a dropout, there ain't much in your fucking world unless you know somebody unless you suck a really good cock or unless you got a big ass with Cushing in it and ice cubes or something.

You ain't got a future. You don't have too much of a future. So, here I am. In 1989, I'm a fucking dropout and a felon. I'm in the halfway house. You know, listen, I made a plan. When I was in fucking prison, I made a plan. I made a promise to myself.

The same promise I made on 2007 when I stopped snort and coke, and that's the reason I'm off coke today. I made myself a promise in 1988. Before I went to reconsideration in 1989, January 20th, I said to myself that if I would fucking, if I get out of here, even though I'm mad at God, whoever the fuck God is, better yet, I said, I'll swear to the universe that I'll do everything in my power.

Not to be a millionaire, not to have a yacht, not to have a testeroza not to be that guy with the eyeside shirt trying to be cool I just wanted to be not a loser you ever just want to not be a fucking loser I didn't care about a millionaire

or a house even if I slept on a couch I just didn't want to be a loser I just wanted to end this up with fucking I just wanted this to end with me having a regular job I didn't even care about a pension I didn't think I was going to make it to 58 anyway but I just didn't want to be a loser

that's why I went out dug that day because I was so embarrassed that he told me I was a fucking you know a felon and then my ex-wife told me something one day when I went to pick up the kid didn't you realize what you did you're a fucking felon

but you're just not a regular felon you threw a purse in a trunk of a car for years I lived with that fucking remorse if you don't think I fucking feel bad about some of the things I did

today as a 58 year old but you got another thing coming I goof around here I make listen I make dark situations funny so I could get over them and it's as a form of therapy

but some of the things I did still bother me very much today very much the ged not that much because i did some of my life and i ended up you know trying i ended up going to you know i got my g ed which doesn't really fucking count in my book high school is high school but it works for now and i ended up taking you know seven eight fucking semesters of college you know what for a guy like me where i came from i could fucking live with that so i didn't fucking talk about it now you also I also got to say, well, Joey, in 1994, weren't you doing comedy?

Yes, I was. But half the shit, did I tell you people over the last 10 years? I wouldn't even dare bring up. I wouldn't even dare bring up. I didn't have the balls to tell you guys that I had been in prison, that, you know, I had a GED, that in 1993, in the middle of comedy, in the middle of everything, I stole a fucking change jar from a car, in Fort Lee, I would have never told you these things.

Those are all fucking marks of a loser. Okay? So yes, in 1994, I was going up on that stage and not talking about these things. So for you comics that are watching this or comics of young comics that are listening to this, this is where it comes in for you. I wasn't talking about this on stage. None of these stories I tell today, kidnapping, you know, robbing Michael's jewelers, robbing this, doing about this.

I never mentioned those stories. Why do you think? Because they were fucking, I was ashamed of him. I was actually ashamed of my fucking life. So my first couple of years of comedy, we were not doing this. We were going up there telling knock knock fucking jokes. As a matter of fact, for 10 years of my comedy, I was going up there and doing knock knock jokes.

As a matter of fact, for maybe 13 to 14 years of comedy, I went up there and did knock, knock, knock jokes. When did I become successful as a comic when they heard these stories? When I finally opened up about being a criminal, when I opened up about even the tedious, most disgusting shit you could say, that's when I became a real comic. But I didn't know that. I didn't know that then.

So for 94, 95, I tipped him my way around that. When I met other comics, I didn't tell them I went to prison. What are you crazy? I didn't want them to use it against me. They would use it against me the same way they used the $5 at the fucking comedy competition against me. If I tell these people, I quit high school, they're going to lose it against me. If I tell these people that I robbed the change jar from fucking Carville ice cream, they're going to use it against me. That's how I fucking live my life.

I was at the store in 97 and I still wasn't talking about prison. I wasn't talking about none of this stuff because I dated a girl for fucking two years. I dated a girl for four years and she didn't find out. until like 18 months that I'd gone to prison. That's how ashamed of it that was. And then a couple things happened. I watched a stupid movie called Family Business. And he told him, he told Matthew Broder, told Sean Connery, he's going to prison.

And he goes, ah, don't worry about it. It's like a hitch in the army. It builds character. And I'm like, well, it did help me build some fucking character. You know, but I'm still not going to fucking say it. I'm still not going to fucking talk about it. You know, I was very, I was just fucking brutally ashamed. You know, there was just a thousand and one things I had done that I didn't, you know,

I didn't even, like I would never ever tell you people that I fucking used to go into a fucking Kmartin and bring back receipts. How low life is that? That's as low life as could get, but that's what my life was. That's a reality. That's what my life was. If I never told you that story, you guys would have never known about it, and I would have been just fine. But no, I wanted you to know. I wanted you guys to know everything to see exactly and know exactly every step that I went through.

Every step of the way and everything I did that I went through. Every step of pain, everything. So for fucking 95, 96, 97. but then in 97 something happened. I used to have these articles, okay, because I was doing comedy and I was doing these triple runs, and by 96, I was doing okay.

But what I would read in those days was I would read this comedy newspaper. I'm sorry, I've talked about it before on the church. I forget what it was called. It was put out by John Fox in San Francisco. And it was written by a bunch of comics. They probably got paid dick or nothing at all. And they used it as writing assignments,

which is what you do in the beginning. And it just broke down comedy. It was just a comedy newspaper that every week it just broke down comedy, you know, what clubs were hot. It interviewed a certain comic. It interviewed a comedy club owner. It interviewed bookers.

It just let you know the ins and outs of comedy. It was a pretty cute little fucking black and white. And it was free. It was at all the comedy clubs. And one month they had where they interviewed Tim Allen. And I read the interview and it talked about how he had gone to prison. And I was blown the fuck away. I was blown the fuck away.

I knew Lenny Bruce had been in jail. you know like prior had been arrested people had been arrested that's not what i was relating to fucking tim allen did time so i was like oh thank god and then when he got a deal from disney i was like oh okay there's one guy could relate to so i went from being a hicks kennyson dice prior guy and I reworked it and went all the way back to the early early beginnings of Tim Mout. His showtime specials, he did a couple showtime things. I forget what the name of them are.

I'm really sorry guys with memory and all that stuff. Even though I take the alpha brain, there's just so many fucking specials that I have seen in comedy that by now I forget. but all men or whatever he did like he did you know those like I did the degenerates for Netflix

he did one of those for showtime with other people I think correct me or fact check me I'm like Trump now you got a fact check me now when I do these things

and I don't want you to fact check me because I'm lying I want you to fact check me to tell me to to tell me what the fuck is going on. Meta Pigs. Was that what he did for Showtime? Yeah, because he came on Showtime first, not HBO.

He was a Showtime guy. I always thought HBO was the way to go. I'm like Showtime. That's for fucking the B-League, Showtime. HBO's the way to go. But when Tim Allen did the fucking, you know, when I found out that he had been to prison, I go, fuck it.

I got to follow this guy. I got to find, there was no internet. You know, it wasn't like the speed of the internet that we have today with all the information. So I just went down, what do you find out? Tommy's dirtiest dozen. Tommy's dirtiest dozen. And then the pigs opening night at Rodney's Place.

There you go. Rewires America. There you go. And this all's on showtime. Yeah. So that's what it was. So I had a retrace. But it was whatever he did before 98, 99.

So I had to dig into showtime. I didn't have fucking showtime. So thank God at the video store I went to, I asked one of the guys, like there was one actual video of Tim Allen's, but he was a Tim Allen fan. And he goes, I got a bunch of stuff on VHS. I'll lend you.

You have to give it back to me at the end of the weekend. So I go, give it all to me. And I looked at all of it, all of it, all of it, all of it, all of it, and I didn't find anything about prison. So I'm like, okay, maybe you're not supposed to talk about it on stage. Maybe you don't have to talk about prison or whatever, but they let you be a stand-up comic. No matter how you look at it,

at least I had somebody who was relatable to me. At least I had somebody I could relate to him. Okay. He became my new fan. I tried to watch Tooltime. You know, I think it was in this. What's it, is that name of it? I don't know.

I tried to watch. full-time home improvement. I'm really sorry. That was the show in the show. That was the show in the show. I really became a fan of his. And I really liked him. I had never seen him out,

you know, at the comedy store or at the improv. I had never seen Tim Allen out. But I just knew that, okay, if Tim Allen did prison and he got a deal from Disney, I'll be okay. We'll figure it out

if we ever get to that far. I didn't, you know, I didn't look at it. I didn't, in those days, I wasn't looking to be on TV or looking to be a fucking movie star. I wasn't looking to do anything. I was just looking for a life. I was just looking for something new to do, you know. So I moved to L.A. in 97.

I became friends with Joe, you know, after six or seven months, I told Joe, you know, and I'm like, keep it under a hat. He's like, why? And I'm like, just keep it on their hat. You know, I don't really want people to know. I told very few people. Like, I told Ralphie, you know. I told, like, Ari when I met Ari that I had done some time.

I wasn't specific. Like, I would just tell people I did time. They would say for what? And I would just go burglarizing. I never really opened up about the fucking kidnapping. Like, I didn't have the balls to say a story about it. Like once I was done with it, I was done with it. And to be honest with yourself, I was just doing myself at the service

because I wasn't talking about the shit people wanted to hear. People wanted to hear about, you know, stand-up comedy is how my world collides with the rest of the world. And that's what people want to hear. They didn't want to hear the fucking stupid knock-knock jokes I was saying up to 2013. You know, after 98, I started dabbing and more, like, I think 98 was the first time I broke cocaine up on stage. Like, I didn't even want people to know about my coke habit. So I wasn't talking about coke and fucking, when I was an open micron all those years, I didn't talk about coke, I didn't talk about prison, I didn't talk about moms dying,

I didn't talk about criminal acts. I think I talked a little bit about sports betting maybe early. Oh yeah, I had a joke in Seattle. What's your favorite team? The joke who covers the spread. Most people go to a game with a hat with a team on it. I go to a game with a hat with a minus three on it. I mean, that was the only fucking thing

that I had in my act was maybe about gambling. But none of this shit that you hear on here, was too fucking embarrassed to even talk about it. So let me tell you how life takes care of you. If you don't commit 100% to your fucking, whatever you're thinking of doing, it's not going to work out for you. How do I know?

Because I know. Because when you commit, life takes care of you. I'm doing my stand-up comedy. It's about February or March of 99. I just got back from like a 14-month road gig, 14 months on the road. I think I had maybe two weeks in L.A. The road trip had started like early 98,

and it just went. It started like Christmas of 97. I took a beat one night. I had to follow Doug Stanhope at the improv on a Monday night. I got sandwiched. in between Doug Stanhope and Nick DePaolo, and it didn't go too well for Uncle Joey. And I said, fuck this.

I can't keep bombing like this in L.A. I have to go out on the road and improve a little bit. So I got a job fucking selling screws and shit. And they had a fax machine. I had a job. I had to be that fucking four in the morning selling screws on Ivar and off of Hollywood Boulevard. So I would snort coke at night,

come down and sit behind the comedy store to 4. then I would drive over to the, because 4 o'clock LA time is 7 a.m. California time. So I would have to sell screws to people on the East Coast, and I started using their phone number, and they had a long-distance phone, obviously, and their fax number, and I started booking fucking work, and I got busy. I actually started booking work, and I put together a tour, and I fucking left for like 14 fucking months. So now I'm back in L.A. It's March of 99. I'm sitting there one Dan I get a call

from a lady comic named Diane Ford look her up she's on YouTube very fucking funny very sweet lady I don't know how the fuck she got my number but she called me and she says to me that

she has a dirty show she's booking at the Sahara at the time and if I wanted to be one of the three comics I still remember what it paid. It paid $1,500 for two shows, which is more money that I'd ever seen in my fucking life.

So it paid $1,500, a hotel, and they gave you $100 a $100 a day to eat. At the time, I'm making $15 a night at the comedy store. $1,500, but there was a catch. I had to wear a tuxedo. I'm like, God, damn it. what the fuck is wrong with me? I got to fucking put on a tuxedo.

So I didn't have money for no fucking tuxedo. Where am I going to get a tuxedo from? You got to give me the $1,500 first to get a tuxedo. So I went to my brother, Doug Stanhope. He's the master of fucking suits. And I go, Doug, where do I get a tuxedo at? And he goes, just go right down the corner of Melrose, right off of Melrose Boulevard over there.

They sell tuxedos. It's like a second-hand store. And I walked in and I got a nice one. I got like a fucking, you know, the black with the fucking nice. I looked like one of those fucking waiters in a nice restaurant. I think it was like for the cumber bun,

the whole fucking thing. And I was huge dead. I looked like Wayne Newton before the operation. I was 99. I was maybe 300 pounds. But no lifting body. Just the fucking gut and shit. So I get this fucking,

I mean, I'm stressing about the tuxedo. The date is in July. I get booked in March. The date is in July. So it's supposed to be me, David Tal, and somebody else. The other comic was

just as big as David Tell. Me, I was a feature act. I was a glorified feature act. I was funny. I was dirty. I was working out of the comedy store. And it was 99. I had shot the pilot for CBS. I had shot basketball.

Uh, you know, I was halfway there. Did you ever hear about how Rogan tells that he hung out with me? And that for two or three years I was struggling. And one day I got really funny. Remember he talks about that he said it a thousand times in his podcast? Pay attention. So, I'm supposed to work at the desert. in with

Atel and I think it was maybe Louis C.K. or somebody like that. And I call her up the week of the gig and she goes you're still on, you're confirmed, your hotel room will be ready 3 o'clock on Friday.

I had no car. A dear friend of mine drove me. I miss him dearly. I don't know where he is today. And I remember a dear friend of mine from Houston who I still talked to. nothing sexual. She was just a dear friend. I was so nervous. It was my first time performing in Vegas. You know, I was performing with Dave Attell and Louis C.K. You know, I had met, I think I was friends with Louis C.K.

I met Louis C.K. at 95 in Seattle. I don't think I met Atel, but I was a huge fucking fan of his. That's when he had that joke about, you know, who likes fireworks? Raise your hooks. You know, like, all that shit, you know. I was fucking dying. You know, I love Dave Attell. I'm fucking all excited to work with Dave Attell. I called Diane Ford to check in. What do you think Diane Ford says to me? She's like, I'm happy. You called. You're confirmed. Bhabba, blah, blah, blah. The other two comics canceled. I go, God damn it. There's my chance to work with Dave fucking Attell. God damn it. I'm a fucking fan. I'm a fucking fan. I fuck. fucking dying to work with them.

I've watched them, but to work with them and to maybe talk to him a little bit and to fucking learn. Fuck. So, you know what? It has nothing to do with me, man. I got a job. I'm going to pick up 1,500 bucks. I can pay the attorney.

I can pay child support. I could snort Coke. Ooh. You know, you know what I'm saying? All my fucking problems are solved. You know, in those days, I had 18 fucking half. to fucking palm. Every time I got a check. Every time I got a check, I had a grease, 18 palms. And a ton of them were palms that I wanted to kill. My ex-wife, the attorneys,

fucking child support, you know, they'd never fucking stop in those days. So, I don't worry about who's going to be on the bill. I don't even think about it. Okay, no big fucking deal. I fucking drive to Vegas. I get out of the car, go to my hotel room. I go upstairs. Diane Ford calls me, and she goes to shows later, the clock, be there at 7.30.

You know, in that whole conversation, I did not ask her who I was working with or who were the replacements with. I never even fucking seen it coming. I put my fucking tuxedo on. I look like a two-pound bologna and a one-pound bag, you know, my fucking tuxedo. and I walked to the green room

when I walk into the green room there was one comic in there and the comic's name was Tim Allen It's fucking Tim Allen fucking shining his shoes You know like a guy has a foot up on a counter And they're shining their shoes He's fucking shining his shoes

And I'm like Oh my God I felt like one of those fags when it rains on the gay pride like I just started sweating profusiously like somebody rained on my parade like I'm saying this because one time I was living in Hollywood

and it rained during gay pride and I saw one of the gay guys lived down the block from me and I saw him with his little flower fucking all fucked up and he was like somebody rained on my parade so I was laughing about it that's right bro I saw Tim Allen and I was like what the fuck is this

and then it was me Tim Allen and Vinnie Favorito. A kid out of Boston. He's back in Boston now. Let me tell you something, man. I just say nothing. Diane Ford came in. And she goes, Tim Allen, Joey Diaz, Joey Diaz, Tim Allen.

We shook hands. I didn't say nothing. In fact, he fucking came to me and he's like, hey man, can you do extra time? And I'm like, yeah, why? He goes, I haven't been on stage in months. I don't know what this is going to be like. And I'm like, I got you.

Don't worry about nothing. I didn't play him. I didn't try to be fucking cute. I just shut my mouth and I drank my water. You know, I just so happened to go on stage that night. And by the luck of God, I leveled the fucking room. And he came over to me and said, that was a great kid. And how long have you been doing this?

Da, da, da, da, da. And I told him, you know, it took like about an hour or so. And I guess, I think we went back to, his room. He said, do you want to come back to the room and get something to eat? So we get back to the room. And after about an hour, I try, you know, you try to control yourself. You know, you try not to be a half a fan and go, I'm a huge fan, you know, I went to prison, you know. So after about an hour or so, I think maybe the next night I said, damn, you know, uh, listen. I go, I just want to tell you something that you

helped me get from point A to point B. You were like my Federal Express. I go, I had a felony. I went to prison and I got into comedy and then I realized that, you know, I had a felony. How far could I go make this a career? I didn't know if clubs did background checks.

You know, I just didn't know at that time. and once I saw that you had gone to prison it made my life a lot easier I go I'm such a fan of yours that when I had a pick on what city to go on the road first I picked Detroit out of homage to you I go in fact I even tried to play

Mark Ridley's comedy club but they said that was a bit too dirty and he's like fuck that you know like he was really cool at them and he goes I told him I ended up playing Dearborn Joey's and Dearborn and that, you know, if it wasn't for him, it was the truth. Because Kennison Pry, all those guys had inspired me to do stand-up,

but once, you know, I went to prison, it was completely different. And I told him I had gone to prison, and I don't know what happened. We went into a four-fucking hour talk, and he told me the importance of being honest. on stage and letting your audience know the truth. He goes, tell him. Tell him, make jokes around it, right around it. And he goes, you don't want to not tell him because that's part of who you are.

You know, you quit in high school. You know, I told them the same story I'm telling you guys. You know, you quit in high school, that's part of who you are today. It's in your DNA. It's a part of who you are. It's part of your persona on stage. You got to tell them everything. and then, son, you just can't tell them

a little bit of your life. If you open that door, you got to, it's like, you know, when you're writing, they say not to open up a door unless you're going to close it. So if you're going to open up that fucking door, you better open up that fucking door. You know, if you listen to podcasting, I started with Beauty and the Beast.

Same thing happened there. It was just two people talking until one day I told the story about mugging a hooker and light her wig on fire and everything changed everything changed because my guts came out my guts came out now you become indebted to me so you know i found that at that point when i had to talk with tim allen that what the fuck was going on now two things happened that summer me and that girl broke up and i had that talk with tim allen me and the crazy stripper girl broke up who i just spoke to a couple days ago she's doing great I still love it a debt 20 years later without her.

I would have never got to L.A. But we broke up. We weren't getting along. You know, my expectations of L.A. of L.A. and her expectations were completely different. But that's where Joe Rogan says he got really fucking funny. I don't know what happened. Why?

A, I became honest on stage. And B, I stopped dating that girl. Most of my energy was focused. on her, but let's not blame her. Let's not blame her. Let's blame Tim Allen for telling me to be honest on stage. That was the most important thing. And that's why when I'm doing podcast, when I'm on fucking stage, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. If somebody, like, I'll tell you, you know everything I already did just by us talking here. There's a couple things I left out because it involves certain people or it would sink somebody else's name

in it. But anything I've done, I've brought to the stage, whether it be the performing stage or the podcast stage, because nothing should be held back. So if you're a comic and you have like an uncle who's a junkie, but you're scared about talking about him, fuck him. Talk about him. It's his fault. He's snorting glue. That's got nothing to do with you. If he wants to be an idiot, and droop on his fucking shirt. You got to talk about it. Nothing is, yeah, yeah, it's a truth. Nothing is sacred.

So that shame that I had over fucking quitting high school and fucking, you know, you're just ashamed about things. Don't ever be ashamed about it. First of all, you can't fucking bring them back. There's nothing I could do to undo that fucking belt. Nothing I could do. It's done, I did it, and I move forward. Until I became honest with it, I wasn't moving forward.

Think about that. Well, I didn't say nothing to know, Bonnie. Today, you guys know everything about me. You guys know everything about me. The only thing I've never gotten into you guys has been like the death of my father, like the real death of my father, I'm saving for the book. You know, there's a couple things I got to hold back. But you guys know everything I did.

No matter how bad or how good. it is. I don't give a fuck because it's who you are. And when you're doing stand-up, it's fucking crucial. It's crucial to be fucking honest on fucking stage. When you're on stage, who the fuck are you talking to? Who do you think you're talking to? Do you really think you're talking to an audience? You as a comic are talking to ghosts. You never knew that? You never knew that that's what you're talking to, you're taking all the skeletons out of your fucking closet. When you want to be that good, you have to compare the skeletons in your closet to the skeletons that are going on in life right now, if that's the simplest way to put it for you.

So if you ever wondered why I was that much of ashamed, it's because, dog, think about being 25 already having two felonies and being a high school dropout. what the fuck are your chances? I had no chance. This is why I tell you people I shouldn't be here. This is why I did the podcast a couple weeks ago about at 58 where I thought I would be. I thought I would be in fucking prison

because I had no future. At 25, or at least I thought that. That's the only person who thought that, me. Nobody else around me thought that. some of you guys do some of you younger guys do that if you guys have one mark against you

when you're 23 you don't have a life and that's bullshit don't let a felony a DUI you made a mistake you made a mistake I made a mistake as a kid yeah I knew what I was doing when I kidnapped

I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you I didn't know what I was doing it was a mistake how do I know it was a mistake because it was never done again. So now today, I come out here and I talk about it and we goof about it and I have a great time and everybody's fucking happy. Do you think I'm ashamed about what I did to Vela? Now, today, in 2021, I'm a little bit ashamed.

I did that to another human being. But I'm not as ashamed as I was in 1999, you know, 12 years after it happened. I was living like, you know, they fucking, like I'm living under the, fucking behind the corners. They know I'm doing this. They know I did it. No. And that set me free and that made me the comic that I am today. Tell the truth. Whatever the fuck happened in your past, it was the fucking past. Who gives a fuck? Nobody really gives a fuck at the end of the week. Do you think anybody gives a fuck now today that Mike Tyson raped the chick 20 years ago? Have you heard somebody bring it up? Do you think anybody gives a fuck about Michael Vic with the dog?

that happened 10 years ago? No. No, do you think, you know, only, but I guarantee you not Mike Tyson as much as Michael Vic, it stays in your head. It's basically new.

It's 10 years ago, you know, when that went down Michael Vic, 10, 12, 13 years ago. I guarantee you, Mike, I'm not upset over the kidnapping no more. I'm ashamed to have a felony. I'm ashamed that I'm not a proper American because of the felony. But guess what?

The felony isn't what I was worried about. It was the truth that you guys needed to hear. That's the most important thing. If you're a stand-up, write that fucking down. When you go up on stage, tell the truth. Tell the truth and tell the most, if you really want to get over a hump in your life, tell the most disturbing thing in your life to an audience.

That'll ease bombing. When you're telling an audience, one of your utmost deepest secrets, bombing doesn't really matter. After that, you're like, ah, who gives the fuck about bombing? I told him the other than I got fucked in the ass with a cucumber in the eighth grade.

Who cares about bombing? Do you see what I'm saying to you? That's worse than bombing. Sometimes saying the truth is worse than fucking bombing. So this podcast was more for comics than for general people. but I hope you get something out of this podcast to just tell the truth there's nothing to be ashamed of

if you're planning on redeeming yourself who gives a fuck? I always had plans on redeeming myself not this way I always thought I would come through in a different manner not this way but today who gives the fuck about the 1986 kidnapping

at Kent Vela not me I don't even think Kent gives the fuck about it no more if you want I'll call them and ask them for you I don't think he even gives a fuck about it no more. That's why it bothered me sometimes. That, like, who's mad at Lewis C.K. today? Nobody.

Is there anybody, you know, all those people that made such a big fuss, is there any of those people that ever called the girls and see how they're doing today? Not really. And I bet both of those girls are doing great today, too. You know, we think what's that, we make things worse than they are in our mind sometimes. I know I did.

So if you got anything from today's podcasts, just tell the fucking truth. What do you got to be ashamed of? Who gives the fuck? And you're going to ruin it with a fucking... That's when I really put it all together. After talking to fucking Tim Allen and then the Willie Nelson line in the thief.

Lie to nobody. Who the fuck are they that you have to lie to them to? If they're a friend of yours, you're going to ruin it with a lie. And if not, again, who the fuck are they that you got to lie to him? That's it. And that's that.

It's Monday, February 1st. And all we're trying to do is have a better life and be better every fucking day. So I hope that's a great lesson for you on a beautiful Monday morning. Before you go, there's something like I got to do. I do this a lot on Patreon, but I wanted to do it on here today. Because I just wanted to, I was talking to a friend of mine. Ever since I was in Jersey, I moved to Jersey. I have a lot of friends that talk to me about medical marijuana.

They're like, what's going on in medical marijuana? You know, like not medical marijuana, but a lot of people now, since they legalized it in Jersey, they've been, people have been asking me, like, what am I going to expect? And I do a segment on Patreon just about weed. One day a week, you know, once every two weeks, I'll put a video up about a product that I really like, whether it's, what do we do? Like the sprays, we did the ABX, ABX capsules, you know, something else. Which one? Maven. Today I'm going to give you another little gift.

This is one of my favorite. About a year and a half ago, I came to New York to shoot the Sopranos. And I went to urban trees. And I bought the Mavens and stuff like that. And they had a special. The guy said to me, that some pretty good weed,

it's made by this company, Ziki, who I've ended up loving. He goes, it's an ounce. I think it's two and a little. a quarter which is special. So I was coming home for three weeks. I had like two or three ounces, but I go, you know what? I like to give away a lot of weed to some of my friends, people on the set. Give me an ounce of that. There's Kiwi, Ziki, Kiwi, Ziki, give me an ounce of the Ziki, and I'll just give it away to my friends, people on the set, you know. I didn't know it was

this good of weed. So I brought it back with me. I put it in the boxing glove. and I flew back and one day I actually went to kickbox and I'm like, holy shit, I got an ounce of weed in there. It was a big bag and, you know, I think this one is

the soda. Fucking, let me tell you something. I took that bag, I had brought so much weed with me that I just gave away the weed I had. When I found this in the bag in the boxing glove, a kickbox, And I go, oh, I'll start smoking this now.

I put it in the second compartment. And you know what? The following week, I didn't need that weed. I didn't smoke my Ziki weed until I got back to L.A. One night I ran out of weed. And I go, oh, I got that ounce in the bag. And when I opened up this little fucking bag, it was fucking tremendous. Just looking at the weed, I go, wow.

And had like that green to it. And I fucking broke it up. and I fucking smoked and I was stoned to the fucking gills and here I am going. I had all that other weed that I thought was really good. This one beats all that month. So I started looking into this more and more. And I started, and you start, when you go for weed,

for all you guys that travel to Colorado, Vegas, California, and you get off off the plane and you look at a box and the way it's packaged, you're like, oh, my God, that's so cool. Well, that's so, Mr. That's so cool. that box with all those designs are $90 fucking dollars for three and a half grams just because they give you a little tray

and they box it up and they put a wrapper around it and they tell you what the percentage is and all that shit. Suckers like you pay $90 but you'll see something like this and you'll go I'm not going to get this but in the meantime

this is the shit that you're looking for Zaziki. Now I do this thing on Patreon I'm doing it for you guys this week because I love you. Everybody smokes fucking dope that I know and everybody's a fucking professional I got to assume.

This is the motherfucking weed you want to be smoking. Do they tell you what percentage it is in here or anything? Nothing. They don't tell you nothing. That's when you know our company is deadly. We don't even tell you.

You decipher yourself what the strength is. It's very easy. You just open up this little pouch it stays in the pouch See, they don't spend their money On all that other shit That knuckleheads getting fucking all

You know, creepy over They spend their money On Riefer That's what their money is And the only thing that's in here Is a little stay fresh thing This keeps your Riefer Nice and fresh and moist

You put that back in there there's nowhere on this envelope where it tells you 34% 28% you don't need to know bitch that's the way Ziki

wants you to have it's a surprise so if you're in the California area because I know for sure they carry this at urban trees I've been holding these for months I just bought like 25,000 of these things and I just saved my got them scattered all over

and when things get deep I go to my fucking Zee's Ziki. They got a fucking... What's the one I gave you? The D-33? What's it saying? C-4. Oh, my God. They got a P-B and C-S or something like that. The one I posted yesterday, two days ago on Twitter.

And this one, the fucking C-Cola, they got one that's a fucking icy that'll fucking kill you. Do you understand me? It'll fucking kill you. So if you go to urban trees or any other dispensary and you see this Ziki, you fucking pick it up.

Whether it's icy, cola, what is that? C4 through your door, whatever the fuck you want. This is the weed right here that fucking... This is the weed that Trump had. This is the weed they gave Trump

to get him out of the White House. How did they got Trump out of the White House? He's like, I'm not going nowhere. Recount Pennsylvania. They're like, Trump. Donald, baby, come on, relax. Just take a hit off this. We're going to Marlago.

It's going to be all right. I'm telling you, recomb Pennsylvania. Donnie, baby, come on. This is the weed Trump smoked. He's happy again, you haven't heard from a minute of the week. He's tweeting to the Martians. Yeah, this is what they gave him. He was yelling, he ain't going nowhere.

Donnie, baby, come on. We got a little Ziki weed for you there. The rest is a little. history. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week. If it's no and stay home, mind your business, nobody knows nothing. Stay black. Thank you for

watching Uncle Joey's joint. And now, for a word from our sponsors, bitches. All right, you bad motherfuckers, I want to thank you for paying attention today and listening and for fucking being here and supporting me, whether it's

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I want to thank Honet. I want to thank Movement Watchers. And I want to thank CBDLion.com. But most importantly, I want to thank you animals for fucking supporting us and for being here with us every Monday and Wednesday. I love you. Have a great day. Pay the rent. And that's it and that's that.

Have a great fucking week. It starts today. That's it, cocksuppers.