The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #036 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: February 4, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Thursday, February 4th.... Today, we talked about leaving tracks in the snow..... This episode is brought to you by Relief Band & DraftKings...... Go to https://www.ReliefBand.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter Code: JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Thursday, February 4th. The joint is brought to you by relief banned. Do you know that a third of Americans regularly suffer from nausea? Listen, after this surgery, those pills got me nauseous as fucked. I got relief banned. I put it on. It's on me every day since I've had the surgery.

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You got to be 21. Take your fucking kazoo and shove it up your ass. You're not allowed in here. New Jersey, Indiana, Colorado only. Restrictions do apply. See draftkings.com slash prediction dash challenge DFS for details. Now, if you got a gambling problem, you got to take care of it. That's a good thing about Draft Kings.

They don't let your bet over your head, but if you got a problem, get the fuck out of here. Go get help. You've got 1-800 gambler or an Indiana, 1-800-9 with it. Or in Colorado, 1-800-5-2-2-4,700. But if you ain't got no problems and you're ready to fucking rock and roll,

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motherfuckers. What's happened? What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. Thursday, February 4th. I'm sorry about the podcast this week. Because of the snow and shit. I didn't want Mike driving around and all that shit. Plus Thursday's a great day to release

a podcast. Nobody misses out nothing. Friday. That's a fucked up day. We got about a fucking foot of snow up here. My daughter was fucking ecstatic. I went out there. I can't do dick. If I fall, I fucking go back to the hospital.

So I was out there walking around and stuff. Fucking snow was beautiful. I forgot how much I missed it, man. Fucking beautiful. There's parts of New Jersey where they got 34 fucking inches of snow. I mean, it was just fucking beautiful. They took a sleigh riding yesterday. She went over there with Jimmy Florentine's son.

and a bunch of other kids and my wife went down the hill. Our neighbor. Frank went down a hill. But they had a great time, and that's all that mattered. It wasn't that fucking cold. Nobody was dying. It was just a regular winter fucking snowstorm.

They haven't had this much snow, and I don't know how many fucking years. But it was great. I got to tell you something, I reminded me about snow real quick. The cop that I turned myself into that pulled the gun on me when I fucking kidnapped Bella.

became my friend on Facebook. So how's that for you, motherfuckers? I sent them a note, and I friended him. James Colour, great guy. He was involved in the John Bonnet murders. He was one of the investigators in the John Bonnet murders. I saw him on CBS one day, and I sent him a fuck. You see the type of guy I am?

I saw him doing a John Bonnet thing. And I sent, I looked him up on Facebook. I sent him a fucking email on Facebook. He never returned it back to me. I was like, what the fuck, you know? Then I sent them a really nice one. I told him that he arrested me, that fucking, you know, I'm a comic now.

I've done well for myself. I turned my life around. And he friended me and he sent me a nice note. How's that? After 37 fucking years. Who's better than you cuckers? That's what's being called relentless right there. Now, the other cop that arrested me,

he could burn in hell. I don't give a fuck about him. But Jimmy Colaw was a good fucking cop. But anyway, today we're going to cover one of the spectrums of the mind of Joey Dias, and that's addiction. And one of the addictions, one of the parts of addiction that I consider an addiction,

that people wouldn't consider an addiction, it was when I was a kleptomaniac. I was a professional fucking kleptomaniac. It's embarrassing to even talk about. I've had, listen, I've gone to the whole spectrum of problems as a kid. From 5 to 7, I was like a professional. I was like a semi-pro pyro-pyro maniac, like a light fire,

I knew how to control oxygen. You know, I did the Boy Scouts for like two days. I just knew different things. I knew where to set of fire, how the wind would blow. I mean, it was fucking crazy. And then when they I almost burnt down a building, and I stopped being a fucking pyromaniac. Nobody deserves to fucking...

I think I burned myself at the same time. I said, this pyro's shit ain't for me. As a kid, I got to be honest with you. I was such a Catholic. I wouldn't think a fucking clip. anything. It wasn't until I got out of Catholic school that I started clipping bicycles and stuff like that. And I didn't look at them as clipping them. It wasn't me that was actually getting on the bike and riding the bike and the kids like, hey, come back. No, that wasn't me. I don't want you to

think I was that type of person. I was involved in daily operations, maybe investing in paint, selling the bike for him, whatever. I'm a salesman, not a fucking, you know. But the klepto thing started after my mother died. Once everything broke down in my life, I became a fucking professional klepto. I mean, I just had a fucking steal it. I had a

fucking steal shit. And it went on for years. It was a disease I fought for fucking years. The only problem is there's no kleptos anonymous. There's nothing for the fucking klepto. The klepto just lays there. If you're an alky, they got a problem for you. If you suck 20 dicks in one

year, they got a fucking meeting for you. They got a meeting for everything. But if you're a klepto, they got no meetings for kleptos. It's fucking anonymous. So it's tough to tell these fucking stories or to be honest about them because, and it's just the truth. I'm just trying to, this is one of the fucking things of the circle. Addiction. Addiction, part of an addiction is something stupid that you're doing.

And the high, like I was robbing drug dealers and I was robbing a jewelry store. That's fucking one thing. That's called burglary. That's a complete fucking different thing. But when you got to take a fucking, like, you know, I would have to steal a lighter. Like, shit like that. Like, I would do dumb shit.

You know, I was just talking to somebody maybe a month ago or something. I go, does that person still work with you? It was longer than that because it had to be before the pandemic. And they said that that person didn't work with them no more because the shirts always came too short. Every night after a show, even though he sold 100 shirts,

the money would always be missing for two fucking shirts. That was me. You know what I'm saying? Like, now he's got four guys helping him. He's got to sit there every night like a fucking swami and see who's got enough balls to steal two, you know, $22 shirts from every fucking night. And I laughed because that was me.

In my mind, in the klepto's mind, he always has to get over. You know, even if they give you six shrimp, you got to take seven. You know what I'm saying? Nothing is fucking good enough. I remember pulling up to the fucking comedy store one day. In 1999, maybe, to get a check, pulling up there and seeing 10 cases of booze outside, you know, the liquor guy have left off but they weren't inside, and me having to fight

the fucking urge to steal all 10 of those because I knew it was easy money. All you got to do is put them in the trunk of your car and go to a liquor store and give them a price. Go to their shelves. See what they charge for it. Go to the car. You know, give them a case for half price and they'll fucking buy all eight of them. But I knew I was smart enough that that was my place of business at the time. I had already matured.

I was 30 years old. I didn't want to fucking get thrown on in the comedy store. or for stealing booze. But that's how long it was still in my blood. I just want to let you guys know. But the peak of it was when I was 20 fucking years old. You know, what made me think about this whole thing was this fucking snow.

The other day I was outside when it first started snow and I was watching my daughter with the neighbors kids going up and down. And I saw when she came up, she left footsteps. And I thought about this fucking story that is just mind-border. that I did knowing, you know, when I moved to Colorado, by the time I got to Colorado, I was already damaged goods. Let's not get, uh, I will tell you one thing about when I first went to Colorado in 83. I did, I wasn't the junkie I ended up becoming. I still had everything under control. Believe it or not, I had the refron the control. The alcohol was very minimal.

I was playing a role so I was not doing coke in public I think from July from April of 83 to February

of 84 if I tell you I snorted twice a month that was in those days come on guys I would I ended up doing coke seven nights a week

so I wasn't really the drugs were still under check I had taken some valiums. I had done heroin at that age. But up there, when I was living a snow mass between April of 83 and February of 84, my world was basically refa. It was 92% refa. I think I took a quailude, maybe two or three times, took a quailute on Halloween. Thank God, because we were dressed as abortions. If we would have gone up to the fucking parade, they were to fucking killed us.

I took a quailout on thanks. I swear to God, me and my buddies, my roommate, dressed up like abortions. We put hangars around our neck and we put long underwear on and we were watching Monday night football and we had a quailude. We're like, we'll wait until the quailute hits

and then we'll go to fucking Monday night madness up there for Halloween. Aspen has like a more crawl, like Boulder. Boulder and Aspen are both known for their Halleons. And fucking next thing you know, we wake up, it's four in the morning. It's Tuesday. I was like, man, he's laying there with a hanger around his fucking neck. He must be getting an abortion?

Un fucking believable. So then, fucking Thanksgiving, I ate a quailude. And I think New Year's Eve, maybe I ate a quailout. My drug problem was under check. So there was no reason for me to act how I was acting. I got, you know, every month in color. It was funny because one time Joe went to Boulder, and I called him when he was there.

And I go, what do you think about? And he goes, all I can think about is you fucking, you know, living here. And it's like a candy store for you. It's like a kid in the fucking candy store. I go, please, you should have seen Snowmass in 83. And he was exactly right. That was like a kid in a candy store. I'd come from an area where everything is locked up.

In Northburg and New Jersey, everything's locked up. your car, you fucking lock up your bike, you put two locks on your shed, you put fucking titanium explosives, you know, and then you're out in Colorado and people leave their car windows open, their cars open,

they have ski closets and they live skis in there and you can just take the skis and sell them secondhand. I mean, the trust value was fucking phenomenal. And for a knucklehead like me, I just took it. You know, I was a fucking knucklehead. Why do you think? I mean, my two options when I went to move were either

Colorado or New Jersey. You know why I didn't go back to Colorado? Because of the embarrassment I have towards that state, towards those mountains. Those mountains were beautiful. I always wanted to go to Colorado. Ever since I was a kid and I'd watch like the news or they show you like, this show's coming on tonight, 9 o'clock Pacific, 10 o'clock mountain. I'm like, mountain. Who lives on a fucking mountain? I want to go. see that fucking mountain. So I ended up going out there and I ended up acting like a fucking asshole. Ended up doing time. Ended up getting divorced. So I don't deserve Colorado. That's God's country. But till this day, I still feel that strongly that I like shit on Colorado. I was like a

fucking asshole. It wasn't a place for me to act that way. But at that time, I didn't know any better. I was just a young, stupid kid who had lost his mother and thought the world owed him something. That's what I thought. So if you, you know, You weren't going to give it to me. I'm going to fucking take it. And that's not the right fucking attitude to have at that age. But, and I had to actually work on my klepto skills. Like, I actually had to wake up.

You know how I write my goals today? I used to have to wake up and go, like, today I'm not going to fucking steal. And I didn't know about writing it down or anything like that. I would just say it to myself in the shower, like, today I'm not going to fucking steal. Like, I would, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, told you the story when I got the job at the fucking Mazbek hardware and the guy told me to go upstairs

to eat lunch and I went upstairs to eat lunch and I wanted to... I thought the lunches were for free and I opened up the cabinet and there's fucking a sandwich in there with like milk or something. I ate the whole fucking thing. I don't even know what the fuck it was. I just told the story on the church and Tempton said this big black guy

comes in. He's like, somebody stole my motherfucking lunch and he ripped the fucking thing off the thing. I did shit like that not because I was a douchebag just I didn't know better but by the time I got the fucking snowmast I fucking knew better and I was just dog I was taking everything everything but what I tell you that I would have to fucking tell myself like I'm not stealing nothing today I'm not steered like all right like Joey give us an example when I work for chip mason chip chilson masonry right I would always take home two bags of concrete and sell them just just

just you know knucklehead shit at lunch time I go get two bags of concrete and put them on and put my fucking winter jacket over it or whatever I had in the back of the truck and once I would have like 10 bags I go up to the job site and sell them for fucking like $30 like shit like that like I was just a fucking stupid klepto you know I'm saying? It's like entertaining. Like it was entertained, and I did shit. But then I would control myself.

But then I was like, oh, let me have a cocktail. This is when he got really creepy. This is when the kleptoism got really creepy. When I would have a cocktail. I would drink Southern Comfort and Orange Juice those days. The most disgusting shit in the world you could drink. Who the fuck drink Southern Company to get orange juice? I would drink two of them and get fucked up.

And then I'd have to steal something. You have no idea how many things I stole. Did you remember him? The next day? Oh, yeah. Like, there was this dude that had a hard on for me. I don't know why he didn't like me, a snowmast. I didn't like him too much either.

He had, like, an edge of white privileged. He was very white privilege, and he owned, like, a sandwich shop. And one day I went in there, he gave me a fucking hard time. Second time I went in there, he gave me, like, a hard time. Like, you know, ham and cheese. What type of cheese? I don't have to ask you again.

Like he was like a half a tough guy. I wasn't a tough guy, so I said, you know, whatever. He made a gate, a great three cheese sandwich. I remember that. They made great three cheese sandwiches. Well, one September, I'm walking around up there, and a friend of mine actually worked for him. I became friends with him after spending time up there.

And I went up there to see if my friend was, I think he sold weed out of all. I don't fucking know. And I went around the back, and sure enough, The door was open. And I fucking went in and I just robbed everything. There was a bank bag right on top of the thing.

I just took it. I think it was like 1,800 bucks. I went up to Aspen, I bought a stereo, speakers. I bought the first Madonna album. I bought the first Dio album, Holy Diver. You know, I did shit like that. I hated that guy that owned that business. Plus, he was a musician.

He was a conga player at night at a different bar. the bar that was next to the John Denver. So one night, I told my buddy, I go, Carl Hall, the dude who punched fucking shotgun Doug's friend, and knocked them out, Carl Hall was an animal. By that time, I knew Carl Hall was all the way in. So me and Carla are at this bar. I worked at the Tower Restaurant.

That was John Denver's restaurant. I was a dishwasher, and I had the night off. So I said, let me go fuck it up with Carl a little bit. So there was a bar next to the diner, the tower restaurant. I don't know what the fucking name of the bar was. So Carl didn't like that dude either. Carl did not like that fucking dude

who played the Congas and owned the fucking sandwich shop. Carl got fucked up one night. And I walked in there and I got a fucking, whatever a fucking jackedang, whatever fuck, a sour, whatever fuck. What was I drinking? Jack and orange. Or no, Southern Comfort and Orange.

confident orange juice. I got two of me, lit in me already, right? Like Christmas Eve. I swear to God, Christmas Eve, 1983. I go in there, it's maybe six people, Carl, a guy with a guitar, like playing like a classical guitar, and the guy that owns the restaurant playing the bongos. I take a look at Carl, I go, look at that fucking hump, that fucking sack of shit. I can't stand them.

Carl looks at me, he was a redneck. He's like, I don't like him myself. I said, he goes, watch this. And he went and he got a fucking beer. And he shook it up. He shook it up. He shook it up. He shook it up.

And he walked over to the guy. And he just unloaded the beer. And the conga player's face. And he got up. And he's like, I'll fucking kill you. And Carl goes, come on. I'll see you outside, tough guy. Carl ran outside.

The guy chased him. I got up and picked up the guy's Congo and ran out the back door. And I sold it to my neighbor for the small. all 25 that night, you know what I'm saying? That's how we ran those days, Doug. That guy looked for that conga for fucking months. He couldn't find that fucking

conga. I forgot all about that story. You see what I'm saying? I got plenty of stories. You guys thought I ran out of him. I just had to dig. This is what happens when you write a book. You think about all that shit, because I've been making notes on little things. Now that I'm writing,

every time I see something, I make a little little note and I go, I got a latest dog that night was tremendous. That dude looked for that conga drum for fucking years. Listen, I left in February of 84. I came back in October, November of 86, and Carl Hall pulled me over one night. He goes, do you know that dude is still looking for that conga drum? I had forgotten all about the conga drum. We had died. We had died. We had died. We had died. he had even at one point put like a help wanted sign like a sign all around snow mass village and aspen looking for that specific conga the guy sold it there was a conga specialist he was a real conga player this guy was a fucking mozambique this fucking guy sold it to really knew about the conga he

wasn't it was a worth a lot of conga it was a lot of it wasn't like an l p lp was the conga of choice when I was growing up, that was the brand. But this was like a fucking, he had like custom made somewhere. I stole the man's conga. How fucking crazy am I? So it's funny because that was who I was back then. And I tamed it.

I tamed it for a long time. And then I couldn't tame it anymore. Like I tried to put in a capsule for a long time. You know, the summer of 84, 83, I spent my whole summer shooting. That's all I did. Saturdays and Sundays,

shooting, learning how to make bombs, how to make tripwires. You know, this guy was training me to be a fucking masochist. Like, he was just training me to do some crazy things. And I loved it. I wanted to be that person. You know, I don't want to be that person today.

But that's why I was training to be. He was teaching me how to shoot. with a scope. I mean, this guy was teaching me how to do some crazy fucking stuff, you know. Once I moved to Snowmass Village, it was harder for me to see Fred. You know, I would see him instead of four times a month on the weekends, I would see him just like, you know, once I started taking classes and fucking working for the electrician, the whole thing, I wouldn't see them that much. You know, I was working Saturdays so I couldn't go shoot that much. That's when my kleptoism got high.

Now, I wouldn't klepto from people that I knew. I would just klepto. And klepto, when I say klepto, I mean the complete fucking package. I was just a fucking nutcase. I mean, you know, everything had a question mark to me. Like, I would walk past an eyeglass place and said to myself,

I wonder if they got 50,000 in the fucking safe. And I would convince myself that they had 15,000, It was like the most retarded thing I ever did in my life. I would convince myself that there was $50,000 in there. Then I would break in there and there'd be fucking who gots in the fucking safe. And I'd get pissed off of myself. Let me tell you something. You know that a lot of you just watch those cop videos and see amateurs like, you know,

fucking crooks that make mistakes? You don't need to watch those. Just ask me. I got plenty of those fucking stories, especially in the fucking snow. that's what was making me think about all this that once the snow got added to my fucking element, it was tough being a klepto because you leave tracks.

It's tough. It's tough being a fucking klepto because they got you with the fucking tracks. I had to learn how to work around that shit. So I was a klepto full time until it started snowing. Then my roommate brought up to me. He's like, dog, they're going to catch you

with the fucking tracks with those fucking boots. You got to wear boots that people that are very popular. You know, so everybody had Sorrell's, I guess they call them. Sorrell's boots, that's what they had.

So I had to get Sorrells that were really popular to fucking shoplift, you know? But at that time, I'd watched the movie called The Thief with James Kahn.

I was doing all these little klepto moves, and I felt there was time for me to pull the fucking trigger. I felt it was time for me to go fucking big time. So, between,

us. I always told you I took classes and I took residential wiring as an elective. I took residential wiring so I could learn how to break into a fucking house. Makes sense to you now? You think I took residential wiring because I was crazy about being an electrician? No, I took residential wiring because it would give me an intro into wiring. And then it just so happened. I got good at it. started working for an electrician and while I was working for the electrician I met another man that today I actually think he was in a witness relocation plan today he wasn't a New York guy not a mobster guy for some reason now today in hindsight you know 20 20 I think the guy was a fucking relocated witness he was a deadly killer I did not know that

He had a sweet fucking wife. I basically lived over there. It started off where I forget his and her name. You know, I love to reach out to them now and thank them for how they treated me. They didn't have kids. He was one of the top electricians at the company. They assigned me to him after I fucking fucked up the other guy,

the other guy that we beat with the stick down there in fucking Carbondale. They assigned me to him. He taught me. a lot about electricity but I could tell one night we were having a conversation he had a little wild side to him so I started asking him about alarms and he started teaching me about alarms you know where to cut him this that how to bypass him you know he taught me little stuff we actually did two or three little jobs we didn't steal nothing just to learn how to bypass the

alarm you know it was a it wasn't like it wasn't nothing very eccentric nothing like lights or beams or there was no cameras so there was less to worry about it was just a common you know break through the

if you could get through the alarm box and move some wires you could open up a window and get in there you know I wasn't no high level fucking pink panther I don't want you to think that either you know I in my head that's who I wanted to be you know

I was lifting weights, I was running. Everything I did was to help me be a better thief. This is a very sad story to tell, but it's a very true story, you know. So the big thing I was working up for was a job. I was going to take down around between Christmas and New Year's Eve. I was going to take down. I had already taken down a bunch of places.

And I had already raised a flag in Snowmass Village. Now they were looking. They couldn't put their finger on who was doing it. So I cooled down for like two and a half, three weeks. I cooled down. I left them completely in their tracks. They didn't know what the fuck to think. You know me, dog.

I always got three things ahead of me. So I made a decision to go back to New Jersey. Jersey, February 1st of 84. I had some money put away. Do you know that? Do you know I actually put away good money? Not a million dollars, not a half a million dollars, not a quarter of a million dollars. I probably had a couple grand, I don't know, eight, nine grand, I don't know. And in those days, that was good enough for me. That was good enough for anybody. But it wasn't good enough for the klepto me. Plus, I had a block of hash,

I had a couple ounces of fucking coke, had a bag of fucking jewelry. I didn't have anything at my house. I was working on a construction project, a four-week project with this whole man, and he was redoing these five condos. So he told me that the third condo in the middle, the people only come in July.

They don't even come in the winter. They don't like skiing. They only came there for the, Tool of France, like the bike thing and some balloon race or some shit. So he told me, he goes, if you ever are in a bind, go underneath and take the key out, you could, they had food in there, the TV worked, the fucking phone worked. So what I did was I didn't involve their house because if they came home, then I would be stuck.

They had a little ski closet outside. I didn't break the lock. I just didn't. I made it so the lock couldn't close. and I would hide all my stuff in there. Anything that I stole, code, cash, the block the hash,

anything I stole wouldn't be on me. It wouldn't be on their house. It would be in a general area where a couple people had access to. The reason why, if I ever got caught going in there, my buddy did the maintenance for the building, and that's where he would put his tools.

There was just like a missing block all the way in the end. that unless you put your finger in, you wouldn't be able to pull it out. I pulled it out, and I hid my stuff back there, and I put the block there. So I always had an excuse to be back in there. It was where he hid like a couple shovels, some rakes, a couple hammers, some nails, shit like that.

That's what was in there. So I never had anything in my house. Plus, I had my jewelry tools in there, my jewelry tools, my stealing tools in there. You know, tools I needed to go in, plot pry bar. I had this fucking saw, a hand saw that my buddy had bent for me

a certain way, so I could just slip it into the door jams and go right through the door and just push the door right open. I had everything. I wasn't the most high-level thief in the world, but I had a heart. You know what I'm saying? Show me a thief with heart and you're going to find your sneakers are missing.

That's all I got to say. So I fucking had it all planned out. I walk past this jewelry store. It's next to the fucking sandwich place. Every time I go to the sandwich place, I would go to the sandwich place at night to see what the jewelry store guy would leave out.

He got lazy. I don't know if you know this. Most jewelry stores, per their insurance, have to put everything away in the safe at night and lock up the safe. This guy was got half of it. drunk, a half a cokehead, and there's times people would go up there and see him, and he would just lock up and go out and leave, and go to Aspen and leave everything out and the glass.

So I was paying attention to him. I would go up there every night just to take a walk and see what nights he would leave things out. And one night that he would leave stuff out for sure was always on Sundays. For some reason on Sundays, especially during football season, he's would leave everything out. So I said, you know what? I made myself a promise. I'm not going to break into anything no more. I'm just going to do this one fucking jewelry store. So I got my buddy from the electrician buddy. His name was Bob. That's what I just remember his name. Bob. Robert. I got Bob to go up there with me and get a sandwich and we ate the sandwich on the balcony so we could dice dissect the alarm system. He told me right off the bat. He goes, that type of alarm is usually

wired to a police station. This is not a good hit for you. I go, listen, by the time the wire hits the police station, I could go in there and take half that shit that's in those things. And I'm not going to run towards the cops. I'm going to run away from the cops to the condo I got hidden in that closet, I could just go up there, lock my fucking stuff up there, and lock myself in the apartment to the heat cools off. He goes, you got a point. I go, how much response time would I have? He goes, well, depending on what they're doing, I mean, you could see from the jewelry store,

you could see the mall, and the police station was on top of the mall. So I say it was maybe a six or seven mile walk, maybe a four or five minute drive. But if the cops are under the substation, like they're towards V82, I'm going to see the lights coming out. You know? So he goes, that's what it is.

He goes, for me, it's not worth it. But if you feel you could go in there and break the glasses and take everything, out. So I went up there. He didn't have cameras. I would study what I needed to bust the stuff to make it more efficient. My plan was to cut the wire so that would get deterred, going through the back door, come in, pop the six locks, and then go back with a bag and empty everything, run out through the front door, puts me through a path, takes me to my hidden condo, my little back cave

where I put on my construction clothes and walk back down the hill past the cops like nothing happened like I was just doing some work up there for him. That was the plan on a fucking Tuesday and I was going to stick to it because

the following weekend was going to be New Year's and then it was going to be January. There was going to be no fucking money and fucking Botasperm, which is a lie. There's still money up there but the big money is going to be Christmas fucking week. I want to do this one heist, lay low all of January,

fuck with their head, and then I go back to New Jersey in February, and I'll never, they'll be an unsolved crime. That was my big fucking plan. So sure enough, the week comes when

I'm going to fucking rob the jewelry store, I'm ready to fucking go tip-top Magoo. I take my fucking switch clothes. I bring them up to the house up in the daytime. I bring all my tools up in the house in the

daytime and I'm ready to fucking go. The only problem I should have done was I should have created a diversion. I should have lit something on fire or blew up a fucking barn or something. That's where I fucked up. But everywhere else I was okay. I had all my bases covered.

I went up there to check. Sure enough, he left with some chick, left all the diamond and rings and bracelets and all the other knick knacks he had in the glass i'm ready to fucking go here we go now like i said at this time i had destroyed them all on christmas eve so cops were on high end it even fucking set it in the local snowmast paper uh snowmass village mall terrorized on christmas eve i kicked down a few doors yeah i took the guy's conga drum I still think about the conga drum.

I have no class whatsoever when it comes to being a klepto. I'm happy I can tell you people these stories because if not, I've got to keep them in the closet and they'll drive me fucking crazy. So the day comes, it's Sunday. I'm going to rob this motherfucker. I look out my window and snowflakes this big are coming down. Not this big, this fucking big.

It is a fucking utopia or snow. It is coming down like it's nobody's fucking business. I put my boots on. I put my little winter clothing on. I take a little walk up there. They're open. Business as usual. People are going in there.

The mountain is covered every time. I used to go to this place called the stew pot. It's still there. They make the best fucking stew in the world. They used to make a burgundy beef that would make your little asshole puckering. if you fucking tasted it. Just fucking tremendous. So I went to the stew pot that day

and I'm scoping out that place and I'm watching people spending money because I'm going to, listen, I don't know how much time I'm going to have that jewelry store. But I'm going to take the jewelry and then second, I'm going to take the fucking cash.

Okay, that's the plan. That's the plan, Stan. First the jewelry, then the cash. Hopefully he leaves the cash and the fucking the cash box whatever the fuck it's called the register

come nine o'clock I look out my window there's a foot and a half of snow and it's still coming down like fucking Jesus is making a comeback do you understand me

like the way I don't know where you people live right now but the way it snows like four to six inches in skeeces and an aspen snowmass river timber Wyoming. It's 18. It's like a brushing. People look at 18 like,

we got snow today. No big fucking deal with other people would, you know, in Colorado it snows a foot and nothing. Life goes on. It snowed a foot and a half here. The mailman don't come. Fucking garbage doesn't come. Colorado snows three feet. It's business as usual. You could set your time by the fucking bus. That thing is on time by the fucking minute. Anyway, to make a long story short, there's a foot and a half of fucking snow out there. He calls me up, Bobby's like, you're not doing it. I'm going to,

bro, it's going to happen tonight. Tonight's tonight. They're going to be stuck with a car accident. With some drunkers and go off an embarkment. They're never going to hear their alarm if there's even an alarm in the police station. If there's even an alarm in the fucking police station, they're not going to fucking

figure it out. Okay. What am I gonna do? Fuck it. I'm from North Bergen, New Jersey. I got balls of steel. I'm a dumb fuck. So I go up there. I walk through the fucking snow.

Fucking two feet of fucking snow. I'm walking. I'm getting tired. It's high altitude. I'm huffing and puffing. I finally get up there. There's no shovelers. There's nothing.

It's just a couple lights on. I fucking go over to the, the fucking door. I brought a little fucking stool with me. I popped the stool. I put it down. I snip the red wire like he told me to. I fucking go around the fucking back.

I try to fucking finagle the door. It won't fucking do it. So I go around the front and I fucking stick the thing in and pop the door opens up. I go in. I go behind the back counter. And as I go behind the

back counter to start sticking the the fucking pipe in there to bust that fucking lock I see a red flash on the wall and I go holy fuck I turn around and sure

enough there's two cop cars coming up that fucking hill two sobs they had sobs in Stone Mass Village that coming up this fucking hill my heart's beating listen I'm old school I got to take something.

I broke this, I got to take something. You attack me with three people, I got to take something. An eye, a finger, I got a bite of finger. I got a bite of an ear. I got to stick my finger in an eye. You know what I'm saying? Three people go jump you. You got to take something.

Something's going to go. A hand, an arm. So I got to take something. So I'm like getting, I break a fucking glass. I can't break it. It's shatterproof fucking glass. I turn around again. They're getting closer.

tell me I don't know what the fuck to do and what do you think I did I chickened out I ran out the front fucking door and I ran directly to the fucking conda house okay now it's snowing so fucking much that I could tell that those footprints are going to get covered within minutes so I'm not running like a regular human being I'm dragging my feet. Okay, like I'm roller skating, which is hell on the fucking cardio when there's 18 inches of fucking snow.

I get up to that fucking house. I fucking walk up and I walk up and down all around the fucking condo. I walk 30 yards up. I see the two cop cars pull in. I see the guys pull out their cars. I could see him run up to the mall. I'm already gone.

I'm 50 yards away watching them behind a fucking tree. making snow tracks on purpose. You know what I'm saying? Trying to throw them off. I finally go in. I switch my sweatshirt, whatever thing.

I hit it under the fucking guy's couch. And then I went out and put a thing, locked the door, hid the fucking key. And I put on like a sweatshirt. Like I had been painting. You know what I'm saying? Like with a hat and gloves and the whole thing.

And you know me, dog. I was always one step ahead. I wasn't like, I'm an idiot. I'm not just a complete fucking moron. I fucking walk down the hill I actually see the cops and they see me and they're like, how are you doing?

They're like, have you seen anything suspicious to know? I was up in the condo painting for Roy. Everybody knew who he was and it would be an alibi. Even Roy would say, yeah, yeah, he was up there.

He gets bored some nights and he goes up there and does trim for me or whatever. So I had that covered. So I'm like, I fucking walk home. It's like, you know, maybe a 10 minute walk.

I walk in my door. I kick the fucking door. You know, I fucking take my boots off. I put him next to the door. And I'm watching fucking TV with my friend. My roommate goes, what happened? I go, it was a no-go. And he goes, all right, what are you going to do?

Next time, I go, fuck. I really wanted that jewelry, you know. I really wanted that fucking money. And next thing, you know, there's a knock on the door. And I open the door and it's three sheriffs. And they're like, can we have a word with you? I'm like, yeah, come on in.

And they're like, uh, and I go to one sheriff. How you doing, man? And he goes, uh, where were you tonight? When we saw you. And I go, I was at the house painting, you know, just, I was bored. I didn't want to watch the playoffs were done. I think it was the NFL playoffs or something. And here's the story.

I said the story wrong. The cop that I saw didn't come to the house. It was, he was with two other cops, and then three other cops came to my house. Okay? So they knocked on my door. and they asked me where I was. And I told them, I was up, they go, did you go out tonight?

I go, yeah, it was up at Roy's property, painting the trimming. I go, in fact, I saw the guys on the walk back down here. And they're like, that's great. But what time was this or something? They asked me some type of question. And I go, this must have been, like two hours ago, I threw them off on the time.

And the one cop looked down and the boots were right there. And with the melting, and he goes, this doesn't look like a boot that's been here for two hours. This boot would have been a lot more melted. And I was like, out of words, they had me. I'm like, what is this all about? And they're like, well, somebody tried to break into the, the village jewelry store and we took a print off from the back door and when the guy got away,

he ran under the mountains. So we lost him, but we picked up this print in the beginning of the driveway. And we measured it and it's a size 11 and we hope you're Buddha's not a size 11. and it was a size 11 and I'm like what are you fucking saying that I robbed the fucking jewelry store do you not see the fucking paint on my hands

I think I'm stupid I put paint on my hands I put it on my face and shit I just go I just robbed it and that's what threw them off see that was my you know

an attorney's job is to prove through a reasonable doubt my fucking job was to just lift that fucking rock. They had their handcuffs. Dog, they had their fucking handcuffs out. And I was like, whoa, what are you talking about?

I did this, I did this, I just painted, get Roy on the phone. You know, we didn't have a phone, so they had to go next door and call Roy. And Roy goes, yeah, he works for me. Does he usually work Sunday nights at 8 o'clock? And I'm like, there's one day I found him in there on a Monday. four in the morning. That kid has sleep problems or whatever. So the guy was like, okay, but stick around. We're going to come right back and question you and all this shit.

And I'm like, okay. And this had to be December 28th, maybe, 29th. And I left that. All I had to hold on to was February 1st. I did not fucking, I did not jaywalk until February, fucking, fucking first so for me to get out of there so the lesson learned today you hear that and that was basically well it depends how you look at it it depends how you look at it that basically woke like I felt bad for my roommate because my roommate was also from North Bergen he was a great guy and I didn't want him ridiculed like I told you

guys a long time ago. I'm not the type of guy that likes taking people into dark alleys. If I like doing shit, I like doing shit alone. So nobody else gets in trouble. I don't need a fucking partner. If you listen to any of those stories, there was never really a partner. I did all those things alone because I didn't want to humiliate somebody else and I didn't want to put anybody else. I have friends that want on a couple of ice with me and stuff like that as a try, you know, but that's not what I wanted for them. And I, I, you know, I, just, it wasn't for me. You know, when Jimmy

Berkel was one of my best friends in life, God rest his soul. And when those cops knocked in the door, that was not his world. If it was his world, I wouldn't have given a fuck. But it wasn't his fucking world. So, you know, those cops were in that apartment for like

35 minutes. And every time I looked at him, his face was getting redder and redder. I felt horrible for him. That wasn't his fucking world. So, you know, it's just to show you that life's a motherfucker sometimes. I knew how to be a fucking burglar without the snow. With the snow, I almost fucking got caught. There ain't a point to this story today. I just wanted to tell you this story to get it out of the way because it just reminded me of the fucking snow

and what I went through. You guys have no idea what I went through being a burglar with the fucking snow. It was a complete nightmare. And someday, after I write my first book, I'll write a third or fourth book blunders in the snow of me robbing things and the snow being a fucking nightmare. I remember one time I robbed this dude's house. And what I would do is whenever I rob somebody's house in Creekside, the first thing I would do is I would open up the back door. So I would... See how the exit?

I would have an additional exit. So I fucking put the thing in the door. I would open the door and then I'd run to the back door and there was a sliding glass door. This is windows here. This was a sliding glass door. I would open up the sliding glass door and open it in case I had to run out of there. And in case somebody was coming through the front door. One night I heard a car pull up and I heard it because it was like,

it was like that wood that they use on kids playgrounds, like that chunk wood to get to the front door. And then you had stairs. It looked like kids playground. I don't know why. I heard a guy. walking through that one night. And I'm like, holy shit.

So I started running towards the door. And as I opened up the curtain and I ran towards the door, I realized I had opened the door but I left the screen on. And I'll never forget fucking going through the screen and the screen didn't break.

I didn't go through the screen. I hit the screen and the screen went down with me. Boom. Like the bottom of a grinder and all the snow popped up on top of me. and I fucking got up and ran. There wasn't even a guy who lived in a fucking apartment.

There was some guy who lived in another fucking two apartments over there. Dog, I got tons of blunder fucking thievery stories. Like I told you guys, I don't come on here to tell you how smart I am

or how much of a whiz kid I am or whatever. I come on here to tell you the truth. I'm a fucking half a retard. And if that story, they don't prove it, I don't know what it does. He told me 18 times.

that that fucking thing was wired to the police station. I'm like, this guy, he's not that smart. It's not that wire. No, it's not that fucking wire. What the fuck do I know? Another fun-filled fucking story with your Uncle Joey today. I just wanted to check it on you again. I am very sorry about bringing you the podcast on a fucking Thursday.

I know that it's in your rotation on a Wednesday. But, hey, man, we got foot to snow, feet to fucking. I don't know how to fucking say it. We got tons of snow fucking everywhere. And I figured I put the album the week up on Patreon to give you something.

Great album. Fucking Santana Braxis. So I took care you on Patreon. The other guys, you guys have over a podcast to listen to or whatnot. I felt bad for you though. It's not something I like doing, but we had to do what was best for both of us.

Mikey has kids. I have kids. I didn't want Mike driving. in fucking two feet of snow and fucking hitting some fucking guy with a ghost slow sign. You ever see those guys?

You never see him until you're right there. It's like a guy on a bike when you're about to make the right and he's standing there you're like, what the fuck you've been? I've been here for 10 minutes I haven't seen you.

Now I'm about to make the right and now you want to go straight cock sucker? They drive you fucking crazy. It's tough to even drive anymore. Anyway, I love you motherfuckers. It's been a great week I had a rough day yesterday also, kind of in a way. I'm happy I kind of didn't do the podcast yesterday.

Not that I had a rough day. I don't know. I don't want you guys to think I had a rough day and was crying or anything like that. Yesterday was my daughter's 31st birthday. I haven't seen my daughter, and God knows how fucking long. Right now, I can't even call her my daughter. I have to call her my ex-daughter. but it's funny how I thought about her a lot yesterday

you know I have no gripes at her I'm not mad at her she did what she had to do and I created my own situation a lot of men a lot of women a lot of people will never tell you this it's always something happened to them or somebody did something to them

in this situation, I brought it upon myself. You know, I acted a certain way. I acted like a fucking jerk off. I'm not going to lie to you. I went into full Joe Diaz asshole mode when I was her father. Never anything towards her. It was the war that me, her mother, and her stepfather had. Today, I had justifications for some of my arguments.

And for some of the other arguments, I was just arguing to be an asshole. You know, out of the 100 things I tell you about this situation, 50% of them are true, 50% of it are probably how I felt at the time or how I looked at it or how I saw it at the time. You know, somebody asked me the other day why I felt the way I did. She moved my child. into another man's house without even telling me, without even asking me. You know, I don't know about you or where you came from in a neighborhood where I live now,

if you were to do that to me, and I shot you in the fucking head, and I called the cops. I think the cops would understand. You know, she did something to me that shouldn't have been done, but there's another side to that story. I should have been more of a fucking man. And she wouldn't have done that. Right or wrong. You know, by me acting like an immature fucking punk that I was,

I drove her and my daughter into another man's arms. I drove her into another man's arms. My daughter had nothing to do with it. She was a victim of circumstances. But it is what it is. You know, it was my behavior. It was her behavior also. It takes to the tango.

But I want to apologize to her. If any of her friends watch this podcast or listen or whatever, I just want to wish her a happy belated birthday. I still love you to death. It's funny when I go at night and kiss my daughter. Like I kiss my daughter comes out to the living room and gives me a kiss. And then I go in there about 925 and give her another kiss while she's awake. And then I go back in there about less.

and I give her another kiss while she's sleeping and I grab her foot to see how big her feet are getting. And it's so weird how the last time I go in there around 11 right before Miami Vice, I always go, what fucking life am I living? And I'm living in the twilight zone. I'm living in a twilight zone because I had a daughter, she was taken from me,

and I'm right back where I started from with another daughter who's eight years old who now I treat and I act around her how a man should act. This is how a man should act. I act around her this way. I act around my wife that way. And that's why we've been here 20 years. So in a way, I lost a daughter,

but I learned how to live a new life. And I made a new life. And I have a new life. And I have a life that's fucking working. You know, that's the bottom line. Whatever the fuck you want to say, it's working. Me, my little refo, my little bong hits, my couple edibles, my fucked up knee with the stitches, my fucking eyebrows, my gray hair,

it's working. So I just want to wish her happy belated. I want to wish her the best future as she has coming to her. I am not angry at her whatsoever. I'm not angry at whatsoever. You have to earn your... right to be a father. I never earned the right to be a father with her. I earned my right to be a father with mercy and I feel comfortable with that and I'm good with that and I can live with that.

So if you ever went through what I went through with a child, make amends with yourself. You'll feel a lot better. I feel great. When I used to talk about this subject 10 years ago on the podcast, it was a little uncomfortable. Today, I have a daughter. I'm living to the twilight zone. it's like nothing ever happened I'm right back to where I started again and then some so I have nothing to complain about I don't look

I don't bitch about the shit I don't have I'm thankful and I'm grateful for the shit I do have and I leave it at that and with that that's another fun-filled fucking podcast don't forget tonight

Lake is fucking Denver Philly Phoenix take a look at those lines Philly, Portland. That's for you with Draft Kings. Don't forget the Super Bowl this weekend. Don't forget draft kings. And please don't forget the relief band.

It's fucking great. I know all your parents. The reason... Let me tell you something about relief ban. Before I close on this. I get this in the mail. My agent usually calls me and she says, hey, there's a company that's interested in being on

your podcast. Do you want to try their product? I say yes or no. It's not going to work. I have a chart of things that you guys are interested in, that you're really interested in. I wouldn't try to sell you something you're not interested in. I wouldn't even try to bring light to it. She didn't tell me with this. I get this in the mail. When you get this in the mail, this relief ban, it talks about, you know, clinically proven and, uh, I got to put my glasses on. I'm sorry, cock suckers. It's motion sickness, morning sickness, chemotherapy, post-operative, physician diagnosed migraines, anxiety, and hangovers. Well, I had two of those. I have post-operative and anxiety, okay? So I looked at it and I go, hmm, I wonder who sent me this.

I called Bob Lulingus. I called everybody who sends me gifts, like off. color gifts. I have like 10 of you motherfuckers that know how to send me gifts. You send me the best gifts and the shit that I can never find on my own. I call Bob, I call my

fucking cousin, I called a friend of mine in Florida. He sends me books. I call the friend of mine in California. Nobody sent me this. I call my acupuncturist. Nobody fucking sent me this. Okay? I go, I asked my doctor when I went to

surgery. I go, did you fucking send me this watch. He goes, no. Who the fuck sent me this goddamn watch? This week, she calls me. She's like, oh, what did you think of the watch? I go, what fucking watch? The movement watch, I loved it. She goes, no. The relief band watch.

I go, did you send me that? She goes, yeah, holy fuck. I've been banging my head for five fucking weeks trying to find out who the fuck sent me the relief band, and it was you. But you know what? It works. It's kept me together. Those fucking oxycodones.

make you nauseated as fuck. I fucking got sick two times in the drive back from PT. I got sick one morning in here. And ever since that time, I've been wearing that watch. So if you suffer from nausea, this is the watch for you. And beside that, that's it, that's it. We're good to go. We had a great week.

I'm sorry the podcast was late, but we're here. We're queer. And that's all that fucking matters, all right? Do not forget this weekend Super Bowl. me I think I'm going to go with the totals how's that I love Brady too much he's getting three points

Mahone's a great fucking quarterback I don't know what the fuck he's going to do I don't you know I don't know so let's just play the totals enjoy the game and have a great weekend guys remember what I told you about draft kings if you got a problem take it somewhere else you don't need to be gambling

go fucking take care of your problems And without further ado, I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great weekend. Stay black. See you Monday. Here's for a word from our sponsors. That wasn't a fart. That was the chair.

Anyway, I want to thank you, motherfuckers, for listening today. It's a beautiful Thursday. Sorry we were late with the podcast. You know, Mike lives a distance from here. The snow was too crazy. You know what? And it worked out a lot better on a Thursday anyway. You're having a better time.

Before I get out of here, let's talk about what's happening this weekend. You know what's happening this weekend. Much fucking De Niro. That's what's happening this weekend. And for you motherfuckers who never saw Sesame Street, that means a lot of money to be made. What's coming up, it's the fucking Super Bowl. The 55th Super Bowl is here this Sunday, live from Tampa. The Buccaneers with Tom Brady versus the Chiefs with the fucking quarterback.

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I wake up in the morning. I throw it on my wrist. I give it a breather in the afternoon. If I take a nap, I charge it again. It is on my wrist all day. You understand me? It's beautiful. You go like this.

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Please support these companies. You know, everything is done over the mail, whatever. But don't forget what I told you about, draft kings, especially tonight with the Lakers, Denver. And you got a great game with Portland, Philly. Take a look at the line. And make sure you get it on the Super Bowl. That's it and that's that.

I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great weekend. Sorry about the podcast coming on Thursday, but we showed up no matter what, We delivered the goods. Enjoy. Love you, cock suckers. Stay black.