The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #037 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Monday, February 8th.... Today, we talked about Patience..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Zip Recruiter & Blue Chew..... Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/JOEY Go to https://www.BlueChew.com and enter Code: JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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for sponsoring the joint. With that, let's get this fucking party started. There's a little packet of Blue Chew right there. You put in your pocket, you take it out. When you're ready to get a little piece, bab boom, you eat that. And within minutes, you're fucking staring at a poll. Let's get this party started. What's happened? What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday. The 8th of motherfucking February. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. Again, I'm here on a Monday with my light little blue

sweatshirt on. Listen, I like blue on a Monday morning. A little light blue. It starts the week off right. Let you know I'm non-threatening. You know what I'm saying? It's just a cute little color. You know what I'm saying? Just a... Start the week off on the right fucking leg here. If not, you know, it's funny, I told you guys that when I used to go for commercials, if I would wear a black shirt to a mobster commercial, I wouldn't get it. But if I'd wear a white shirt to a mobster commercial, I'd get it. If I did it for a movie, it was vice versa.

So if I went for a mobster role in a movie, I would use a black shirt. If I go for a mobster movie and a commercial, I would wear a white shirt. So it's like a joke. It's not what you say. It's how you say it. So sometimes for me, colors, it just, I don't know, I just wanted to fucking talk about the color blue. I had a great weekend this weekend. The Super Bowl was great.

Fucking Saturday, one of my friends called me up, and he asked me if I wanted to go to another friend of mine's house. that just had surgery. He was having fucking surgery. It's my age. It's funny because when I got there, there was four of us. It was my friend, his wife, and the guy who drove me. We've been hanging out together since we were maybe 13 years old.

I remember her going to take me to get my driver's license paperwork before I had a connection. And my buddy didn't even need to get me a driver's license. She just called a driving school. But she was the one that took me when I was 16 and a half to get my permit. That's how back I go with these people, you know. So I guess he broke his toe. So he's got like a boudon like my wife.

So we just went down there yesterday and ate a few brownies and talked shit. You know, and this is what I got home. My wife was like, how was it? And I was like, you know, I had forgotten about this. I had forgotten what it was to sit with friends and just talk. Everything for the last 20 years, especially my life in L.A. has been business. And this is what this move was about, people. For me, this move wasn't about a career move.

If I wanted a career, I was going to stay in L.A. You know, I don't know right now as of March, what is it, February 8th? right now, I don't know what's going to happen with stand-up. I know that I have that weekend on my birthday at Vinnie's. I got the 24th. I got the whole month of March. I'm doing a residency there. But after that, I really don't know.

I've been doing comedy now. This month right now was when I started at Wits End 30 years ago. You know, this is 30 years. I've been doing this. So I don't want you going to spreading rumors that I'm quitting. I'm not quitting. I'm not quitting to stand up. I just don't know how or how I want to do it.

You know, I might just do it as a hobby. I might just stay in New Jersey. I might just stay on the East Coast. Who knows? Maybe in September my mind will change. Remember when the movie comes out? My mind will change completely. But as of right now, I don't even see me getting on a plane, man.

It's the weirdest fucking thing. Like I just, I talked to Theo. You know, I had a nice talk with Theo. And Theo's like, dog, I'm not even looking at anything until 2022. I was like, Jesus Christ, I thought I was fucking bad. You know, it's just, you know, and he said it. He goes, I'm tired. We've been burnt out, you know.

I go back with Theo. I didn't know Theo at the time. But I remember playing Beaumont, Texas, which is on the Louisiana border, pretty close. You know, fact check me, maybe an hour, I think. I don't know. and I remember playing Beaumont and hearing about Theo and Beaumont was Slade Rube's rooms shout out to Slade Ham down in Houston

he had the room out in Beaumont and I would hear about Theo. Theo was kicking ass down in New Orleans as a young kid. So the other night when I was talking to Theo, Theo was like, Doug, I'm fucking tired. I was like, God damn. I thought I was the only one. He said he was looking to buy,

a house in Nashville. He likes it. And, uh, that, yeah, he's not looking to do anything, you know, and we're all the same. I mean, we're all doing spots. He goes to the Monday night, Zanis, right, at Nashville, and they give him a Wednesday a month. And, you know, we're still in it like that. But to be back in the impact of that of how big that was at the time, I don't think I could do it anymore. It's not that I don't want to do it. You know, I love you, motherfuckers. You know, I love performance. I just, I don't even see myself doing a 10.30 show. Like, that's how far away my mind is.

Like, I was like, what if I got to do two shows and one night? I got to work my comedy cardio again. It's been a year. Yeah, it's been a, February 29th was my last road gig. February 29th. Remember last year was a fucking leap year. So don't say, Joey, there's no February 29th. There was a fucking leap year.

I was in Vegas. That was my schedule last year. year consisted of Atlanta, one night, two shows, Valentine's Day and fucking Tempe, and then Vegas. I did three weekends on the road last year. And, you know, I always worked out. I don't feel confident when I go on stage now, guys. I'm doing that birthday weekend and the tickets are $25 because they have to, but I feel kind of weird. I'm not up to fucking par. I will be by that night. You know, once I touch the stage, shit happens. I start talking, I get a joint in me.

You know, we start fucking around, but no, I'm not, I'm not a third of the comic I was, if you want me to be on. At least I feel that. If you guys feel something different, then, you know, I appreciate it, but I don't feel I'm a third of the comic I was. I'm still clunky, even in my writing. I write every fucking day, and especially the last three weeks

I have written more, I have thought of more fucking stories, By the way, I called my buddy Mike Roebuck. We had a great talk in Colorado, and we were talking about all those times. And I met Mike in 85, and we're going to do a Zoom in a couple of weeks. He's just trying to get his kid back in school and stuff in Colorado because his wife is a teacher. We got on the phone here night. Mike Roebuck was one of those kids I told you about. That was my friends in Aspen with Carl and Vince Hall when Carl punched the guy in the head.

and a piece of meat flew out of his head and all this shit. Me and Mike were on the phone the other day telling stories. I almost bent over. I almost had to take a pain pull. I was laughing so fucking hard. Just about things that we were doing up in Colorado as kids and shit like that. But to get back to the original conversation, I don't even know how I got on Mike Roebuck,

to get back on the original conversation, that's been the first time. I've been with four friends. I mean, Joe Rayo, I've known Joe Rayo, His father turned me onto marble bread. Bobby Bender? His parents took me in when my mother died. D.D. Cardinelli, I knew her and her sister.

The mother, Faye, listen to this. The mother Faye was the first milf that I ever hit on. That was my first Me Too attack back in 1979. She's like Mercy's grandmother now. Mercy loves Faye. Loves Faye. every time I go over it I feel so bad because I tried to make a move on Faye when I was 15 when I was 16 I tried to make a move on Faye and she still remembers and we still talk about it

we still giggle about but now she's an old woman that's crazy how I go over there with my daughter and my daughter disappears with Faye they just sit on the couch they watch cartoons my daughter explains the cartoons to Faye Faye fucking loves it it's it's just a different world guys So my wife asked me, what did you guys talk about? What'd you do? I said, you know, we just drank water, we smoked a half a number, you know, shit like that. But I go, Terry, it was just the point of being with three people that I grew up with. You guys know I could have moved to Austin. I could have just called Joe in one minute.

And I miss Joe. I miss Joe with all my heart. I miss Red Band. You know how much I loved those guys. But I wanted to be home. It was, I had done my time. I had done my, I had done everything I had to do in L.A. And right now, I mean, if there's nights I sit here going, yeah, I'm going to do comedy,

I don't know what extent I'm going to do it to, or whatever. I was telling them, yes, they're at the table. And I said it. I said, I'd rather walk out on my feet than crawling on my knees. What does that mean that after a year or two or not doing stand-up, I start going on stage and booking these fucking rooms and these agents are pushing, you got to charge $55.

And you're like, guys, I'm not worth $55 fucking dollars. You know, I don't want to have to go on a stage and have the room walk out because I just don't have it anymore. And that's what I feel sometimes. I feel like my comedy window came and went. I swear to God, I feel this. I swear to fucking God.

It's just, it's like anything. Anderson Silver was a fucking great. great fighter. One day he broke his leg and he can't stop fucking losing. You know, and some people stay around too long. And then you got to crawl out. I don't want a dog, I'm not known for fucking crawling out on my knees. So I'm not going to do it now. I like walking out of things. I like walking away from things on my fucking terms. Like the church, like Joey Karate. I do shit like that all the time. I've been doing that since I'm a kid. Like cocaine. Once it's over, it's fucking over

that's it there's no going back there's no revisiting there's no let's try it one more time for all time's sake it's over it's over that's it because if not you'll be fucking haunted for the rest of your fucking life you know so it's just nice just to go down there

I got to sit in the front seat finally I can sit in the front seat I don't have to sit in the back with my leg propped up people fucking looking at me like I'm driving Miss Daisy my wife is driving me around super when I'm sitting in the back seat with my leg up. It feels like my groin's going to pull. I'm good. We made it. It's been a month. Today's a month since the fucking, uh, surgery.

How do I look people? Do I look like the pills got to me? Was there a big fucking cahoot? No. CBD line came through. Ice came through and the pain pills were the last things I thought about. And I did this out of respect for you guys. Just to show you. show you. I'm sick and tired of hearing fucking excuses in life. Well, I had surgery and I got hooked. You have an option. You have an option. You know what?

Last night was the first night I slept in the bed last night. When I woke up this morning, I had a pain in my fucking shin. I didn't know. I didn't know what was going on because I had knee surgery. And then Tom Sawgura called me one night while he was doing physical therapy with his physical

therapist. And we were talking and she was asking me about what I thought. And I go, my fucking leg is killing me. But it's not really my knee. It's my shin. And she goes, do you know why you shin? Because they had to cut it and pound a new knee into it and told me all this shit.

Just her telling me this shit gave me nausea. I'm like, I can't even hear it no more. But even this morning, I woke up because I slipped on the bed. My shin was on fire. I came down. I drank my little yogurt probiotic. I drank my fucking coffee. I had breakfast.

I put ice on my leg. I popped two fucking high-level Tylenolus, and I got tons of pain pills. I'm just playing the hand. I can't wait to go back into his office next Monday and go, here's your pain pills back. And he's going to go, what, you didn't take him? I got pissed off at him because they tell you to take two every four hours,

but they give you eight. So, wait a second. It's two every four hours. So there's 24 hours in a fucking day, right? So there's two, every four fucking hours. So what's that? Like fucking eight a day or something? I think it's when you feel pain.

Yeah. You know, whatever. But they give you like 13 of them. I swear to God, every time I went there, 13, 11, 17. You can't even start a party with this. I was going to do like an oxy-edible party. I can't even have to throw a party. You know, I thought that the pain was, first of all,

I thought it was going to be like any other surgery. It's painful for two days after that. You get rid of the fucking pills. You don't need them. I really, that's, but there's only one surgery that I fucking ate every pill from, and I fucking suffered for that for a long time. My shoulder surgery,

I had every fucking viking than that motherfucker. And I'll tell you what, guys, a week later, for the first time of my life, I was thinking some creaking, fucking things. When you eat a whole prescription of viking, you start stinking some creepy fucking things. And don't think that like the second or third day

of these pain pills, I did have creepy things going into my mind because I fucking did. And that's why I worked that CBD line like a motherfucker. You could take these... And now if I need to take them, I'll take them for physical therapy. This last week, I've only taken physical therapy. That's it, after physical therapy. and I take one little one, and that's it.

I don't take two. I'm trying to get the fuck off these. I'm trying to sweat this shit out of my system. I've been doing clubbats lately. Dog, you know me, Doug. I don't fuck around, guys. I try my hardest. I don't just, listen, I don't want to just talk to talk for you guys.

I want to walk to walk so you guys can learn. I can learn something. We could all learn something together. I do this podcast. We could all learn something together. I learn from you and you learn from me, and we learn from each other, and we take care of each other.

I make you laugh, you guys make me giggle with messages from time to time, so it all works out, you know. Sorry, I had a little cotton mouth there for a second. I had a fucking drenched, whatever. But the topic I wanted to talk about this week was something that I didn't have

that I wasn't good at. God either gives you this, what doesn't give you this. This is a, I think it's a talent. I think what I'm about to talk about as a talent that you're going to end up getting. You're going to end up really being good at it if you want to get anywhere in life. But if you don't have it, you're going to have a tough fucking time in life.

And that's patience. And I'm not talking about the song from Guns and Roses. I'm talking about life's patient. There was nobody more impatient than me in this life. I was the most impatient person. And what I've been reading lately into emails from people on Patreon, you know, on Facebook, you know, people send me emails from time to time, Joey, I'm getting into stand-up, Joey, I'm getting into this.

The thing I read the most, the emotion that I get the most from 65% of the emails that I read. And this is a lot. It's not a desperation emotion. you know what emotion I get impatient everybody wants something quick we all do dog that's why they invented the lottery that's why they invented the lottery

but you know what the chances that you're hitting the lottery are they're fucking hard but there's people who are very impatient I was and it's weird because I had to think about this I thought back to my youth how patient I was when I used to build models. I used to build models.

When I didn't know the language too good, I used to build models. That's what my thing was, building models. Every day in the summer, I built a new model. I was good at it. Plan, ships, walls, hoax, you know, Spider-Man's, the whole fucking thing. I did it with glue, you know,

the fucking paint glue, whatever, the fucking snorting glue. I did that shit. And somewhere along the line, I don't know what happened. Somewhere along the line, we all, you know, I was patient to play with G.I. Joe's and shit like that. But I never had the patience to play poker.

Never had the patience to play Monopoly. Never had the patience for any of that shit. You know? So I didn't look at it as a problem. I didn't look at it at anything at all. I just thought that I just didn't like something, you know. When, you know, you buy a car or whatever. You buy a car.

You've been buy a car and you're broke. You have to do the work on it yourself. You don't know what the fuck you're doing. You know, you have no idea what you're doing. And you, and then all of a sudden you call Mike, and I go, Mike, I got to change the O. And Mike's like, well, my brother could do it for you, but you have to wait till tomorrow. And I'm like, I can't wait till tomorrow. I'm going to have to do it.

And then you end up doing it and you go to fucking loosen the thing underneath and you use the wrong wrench but the the ratchet whatever the fuck you use the ratchet set and the fucking thing gets stuck or you strip the fucking nut and now it's a complete different stuff that's because you were impatient

if you were patient you were patient you would have waited for Mike's brother I'm just using this as an example but patience is the reason why half of us don't have careers think about that think about that Half of the people that listen to this podcast, half of the people that are walking around

don't have a career that they want to because of patience. Think about it. Me, my first choice was to be a guitar play. But what do you got to do? You got to learn how to play the guitar. You got to practice. You got to put a band together.

you got to make an album, you got to get signed, you got to put the album out, then people got to listen to the album. That's a lot of steps. I ain't got that type of patience. You know what? That's a lot of shit right there.

You know what? I'll let somebody else do that. So then your mind starts wondering. What else can I do? Oh, well, I want to be an attorney. Oh, okay, here we go again. You got to go to school every day. You got to get A's and Bs.

Then you got to get into a decent school. and get A's and B's, and then you got to go to a law school, which is another fucking three years. I'm not doing that. Think about how many fucking... Think about... Look, look, I'm 58 years old.

I could have been fucking retired 20 years already. Have you ever thought about that? I could have been retired already. Getting a pension. full fucking medical benefits. I mean, if I get a fucking hangnail, I'm the first in line. And I made the biggest mistake in my life.

Not joining a service. How can you not join the service? Are you fucking stupid? It's 20 years. It's tough for two years. It's really tough for like a year. You got to do jumping jacks, the basic training. And they spit on you and call you a piece of shit.

shit. You've seen all the movies. But once you get stationed and stuff, you know, if you're single, if you play it right and you keep your mind right and you're single and you do the first 10 years, then eventually you meet a woman and you settle down and you buy a house, you can live on base, you could save fucking millions. And then you come out of the service. If you join the service when you're 38, if you join when you're 18, what's 20 years? 30 fucking 8. Now you're, now you're you come out 38 with a pension and you could do whatever the fuck you want.

So your pension's got to be huge, especially if you retire as an officer. Think about it. Think about all the shit we passed on because of patience getting in the fucking way. Because I did it for years with a book.

Now, look, it took a while. It took a while, but now I'm cooking with fucking gas. Now I'm cooking with gas. I've written two chapters, I just don't know where to put them. But I've written two chapters, you understand? I'm not word, I just don't know where to put them. And I haven't sent them to the agent yet, because I want to

write one more to make it complete. But I'm right, and that's all that fucking matters. But we don't have the patience to do anything. Like, I didn't have, you know, when I went to be a fucking electrician, yeah, you're an electrician. You can work, but you're an apprentice. What does that mean? Apprentice means you're not going to make no money.

You know? Right, that's another thing. Anytime we go to get a job, it's always, well, for the first five years you make, you barely eat. And then we start paying your $80,000 a year. And you're like, so I got to wait five fucking years. Fuck that. Patience. If you really wanted to do that, you go, you know what?

I'm moving with my mother. I'll rent a car. I'll do this. You do everything you do to figure it out to do that. But half the things I haven't done in my life, it's not because I was lazy or it's not because I was stupid. It's because I just didn't have the fucking patience. And that's just bullshit.

And I'll tell you, I read your Patreon guys. I read your Facebooks. I read your tweets. You know, I read your messages. You guys know I answer some messages back. Even on Patreon, they said, If you don't pay the $5, you don't get your messages answered. I answer your messages.

If you ask me, I'll answer your questions back, especially the legit fucking question or legit problem. And that's the number one thing I run into. Is people think that they, you know, some kid wrote me the, I swear to God, I've done three open micsets. What's next? What's next? You know what next is?

Do number four and then do five. 500, do a set every day for five years, then call me. Then call me. That's the best thing I could do for you. People are that impaired. And I didn't see, because I'll tell you what, guys, I'm gonna be as honest as I can, which I always am on this fucking show, especially with my comedy.

When I got to LA, I was impatient for about 90 days. That's the square business. I was impatient for about 90 days. I had already gotten into the store. So that took a lot of that. That calmed me down a little bit. But it was my mentor at the time. A great man, rest in peace, his name is Rick Dookman.

He was in Groundhog Day. He played, he's the chubby guy. In Groundhog Day, he did a bunch of Bruce Willis movies, just a great guy. And I remember we were talking about something. we're talking about something and he said to me, listen to me, and listen to me straight.

These things you're doing, because I would call them up getting all excited. Like when I got to L.A., I booked the pilot, and then I think it was after I shot the pilot, I called them up, and I must have been tuned or fucked up or something.

And he told me, he's like, listen, man, because I was in a rush, you know? Like, I was there, and I was making, making things happen, you know, listen, Mitzi did and didn't do me any favors

by making me a regular right away, okay? Looking at it in hindsight. She did, it was great. I belonged to be a regular, all that stuff, but by her making me irregular, it also made me want other things that I wasn't prepared to get. And that's what happens to a lot of us. That's what every comic goes through that. That just

didn't happen to me. You know, I still remember the first time I was in the room in Denver, Colorado. I had come back from Jersey. It was 93. You know, when I was doing, I was starting to rock and roll. What's rock and roll? I could do 20 minutes and have a good time, you know. I'm starting to rock and roll and fucking one night I'm up on stage and usually when it's, you know, in a comics world before I go on stage, Mike is the host, he'll come up to me and he'll go, you're doing 15 minutes, when do you want a light?

And I'll go, give me a light at 10. And if he gives me a light of 10 in my head, I can measure five minutes. You know what I'm saying? Like I know more or less what five minutes is on this particular night. I didn't see a fucking light. I didn't see a fucking sign.

You know, people were laughing. People were having a good time. Then I started to slow down a little bit. You know, I didn't know what was happening. And then finally I see the kid and he weighs me. And I get off the stage and people clap. I did okay, you know. And he came back to me.

And I don't know if I did 34 minutes or if I did 43 minutes. Again, I don't know. I don't remember. It was a long time ago. I did a lot more than what I fucking thought. Oh, my God. You should have seen me on the way home. Oh, my God.

I was saying shit to my who. I was making a list of my head of the people I was going to call the next day. I'm calling this studio. I'm calling Warner Brothers. I mean, I had done like 34 or 43. It was one of those two. Jimmy Abato is the host.

I just talked to Jimmy two days ago, too. He's from 20 years. talk to the guy that helped me with comedy in Denver the most. Jimmy Abater, he called me the other night to tell me he was with some girl and the girl knew him. I don't fucking know. But Jimmy Abeda gets off, Jimmy Abada comes up. I go, Jimmy, where the fuck you been? He goes, I went on to the car to have sex with some girl. I'm sorry. I go, I'm up here 34, 40, I didn't know. He goes, no, he told me, he goes, you did fucking 34 minutes or 43 minutes. Listen, when you've been doing 10 minute spots for fucking four years

and all of a sudden somebody comes and says to you, you're the dirty four, Jesus Christ does your ego get big. For the first time my life, I thought I was fucking Don Rickles. I went home, I couldn't fucking sleep. I had a, because I told you, you got to get a book called

Stand Up Comedy by Judy Brown. Isn't Judy Brown? Yeah, Judy something. Judy Carter. It's stand-up comedy by Judy. Do you have it? Yeah, I heard you talking about. Well, the back 10 pages has everything you'll need.

It has every number of every comedy club, every number of bookers, the big agencies, the people who book ships. I think she used to have it in the old edition. And guys, I still remember waking up the next morning and like calling like, I don't know who it was. I wish I could tell you. I don't know who it was. I'm Joe Dears.

I did 43 minutes last night, and they hung up on me. They were like, what the fuck? But that, you know, you're so fucking impatient. We can't wait to get to where we're going, and we don't, and I've got to tell you something,

that's what happened the last fucking 10 years to me. You know, I wasn't, it wasn't that I was impatient the last 10 years. It was that things were moving so fast. I wasn't having time to enjoy him. Has that ever happened to you where things are going so fast that you don't even have a time to fucking enjoy them? Like I sold out two shows at the New York fucking theater.

I didn't even have a chance to celebrate it. Like things are moving so fast. I couldn't even understand. Like I sold out this theater. Usually you take like a month off and you celebrate. You have a great time. But life was moving so fast that I wasn't even appreciating the things I was doing. You know, and this is why I hate, like, if you're going to get into comedy,

if you're going to get into any career and you wanted to work for you, patience has to be the number one priority on it. We talk a lot about goals. We talk a lot about journaling. We talk a lot about getting our fucking hands dirty. rolling up your sleeves. The one thing we don't talk about enough is patience. Because without patience, you won't hang in the fucking game.

You will not hang in the fucking game. And it's sad. And if it was nobody else who had a heart, nobody had it harder than me when it came to patience. Because I just wanted it so bad the way we all, we all want something so bad. But we see ourselves there. We don't, this is why when I tell you to do your goals, I want you to write them so you're not there. I want you to see all the dots that you have to connect to get to that place. The impatience is that we just see that.

That's all we see. We see comedy store, blow jobs, a fucking testeroza. Fucking, that's all you see. I'm going to have a big bank account. I'm going to have a maid. I'm going to have a butler, that's all you see. You know, I'm going to have a big electrical company. I'm going to have the biggest fishing company in the world.

I'm going to have the best restaurant in the world. But you never get to that because you didn't have the patience. You didn't have the patience to stick it out. You got to have the patience to stick it out. That's why I love those fucking stories about the bus boy who bought the restaurant. You know, I love those stories about the kid who went there to change. tires and now he owns the fucking gas station. I love all those type of stories. I love my story. I love my story. I love it that I was down and out. I love it that I was down and out and then I was even more down and out. And then on top of being down and out, I went to fucking prison. I fucking loved it. And then I got a fucking prison and I got married and I got beat up by that too because I couldn't cover the spread because I was a fucking loser. And then without even fucking knowing, you know, I tried everything.

I was smart enough to fucking do anything I wanted to do. I really was. I was a fucking roofing estimator. I turned myself into a roofing estimator. Who the fuck? It becomes a roofing estimator with a fucking GED. I did. I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing.

How the fuck do you even end up a roofing estimator? I love my fucking story. And then I said, fuck all this shit. This is bullshit. This work shit. I'm going to try my hand that's something that is fucking the hardest thing in the world

because I don't give a fuck about me. I got no wife. I got no kid. I got nothing. I had a wife and a kid, but they didn't fucking like me. So what's the fucking difference? You know, everything I touched was shit.

What are my chances of being a stand-up and being successful? Fucking zilch. So let's fucking go for it. Let's prove myself to fuck wrong. And man, Let me tell you something.

It was the first time my life that I showed patience because I don't even know. I don't even know where the patients came from. I don't know if it was homegrown. I just knew myself for me to succeed in this fucking business. I got to slow it down a notch. You know, I always have myself, I have my daily goals, my weekly goals, and I have my six-month goal.

You know, in LA, I was always in LA. leaving in six months. I still remember shooting basketball and fucking torturing them. Like, when am I going to shoot? Like, I didn't know the movie business. I had no idea what the movie business was. I didn't know it was hurry up and wait.

You know, that's what the movie business is. Hurry up and wait. The first movie you shoot, you're either going to like it or you're not going to like it because you might sit there for 13 hours and they might come get you on the 13th hour and say come and say your line.

You know what you feel like after 13 hours? You feel like you've been raped 13 fucking times. Now you want me to go send my fucking line? I've been sitting in a fucking room watching nature shows because you only got three fucking channels on your fucking cable system

in the fucking trailer. And now you want me to come and tell the fucking line you fuck? Are you fucking crazy? But that's what it is. And if you don't have that fucking patience, you know how many great fucking comics I bumped into over the years that if they would have had the patience,

they would have been bigger than Chappelle? What do you think? I don't know. I met tons of funny people out there. I met a guy one time in Connecticut that I could not even look at. He had me fucking rolling so hard his fucking jokes. And I would call them from time to time

to check up on him, but he had no patience. He didn't want to do what I was doing. He didn't want to go through the system. He didn't want to, he wanted to be a fucking headliner. And anybody who got in his way was a fucking asshole. He's an asshole. He's an asshole. Everybody was a fucking asshole.

Except for him, don't be that person. Don't be that person. Everything has its own time progression. You know, you start off as a fucking truckloader, and you become a fucking truck driver. I don't know. I don't even know if it works that way. I'm just saying to you that if it wasn't for patience, I wouldn't be here. And I was the most impatient motherfucker that ever was.

And I want to thank God that he gave me patience. And I'm taking this time to tell you guys on this podcast that if you want to have a career in something, your patience has to be top-fucking notch. because if not, it's like, you know how many people I talk to? Guys, I'm embarrassed to say this to you, motherfuckers. Do you know how many people I've talked to, that I've said to them,

hey, man, you don't do your podcast no more? And they're like, it didn't get me anything. I didn't become a star. Do you think I did the podcast to become a star? I did the podcast just to get, it was just another form of art. it was just another art form. If I could do this for an hour,

I could talk on stage for an hour. It's all mixing in together. You know, when you move to LA, people come up to you and like, oh, if you do movies and commercials, you're not a real comic. You're a fucking moron. You're a fucking moron for even saying that.

I know that Bill Hicks was pissed at Jay Leno for fucking, you know, doing the Doritos commercials and all that shit. But let me tell you something. It all goes hand in hand. And you want me to tell you what the worst thing is, guys?

I'm good at all of them. You see me on Big City Greens. That's a voice, right? I do voiceovers. I act. I do stand-up. I write. You've seen me on TV.

You've seen me in commercials. I do them all because they all go hand and fucking hand. They all go hand in hand. And it's like my friend Rick Doakerman said to me that, you know, okay, for example, Mike goes on state tonight and he gets a standing ovation. Let's say he goes to Philadelphia to the Parks Casino and he gets a standing ovation tonight, boat shows. And Wednesday he goes for a movie, right? And this happens and he doesn't get the movie.

And he's calling me on the way back. car. I'm his best friend, so he's venting to me. He said, can you fucking believe? I just got two standing ovations at parks, and I didn't get this shitty park in a fight, this shitty part in a fucking movie, you know, like, that's what happens. Everything you do, that's a positive, even though you don't think it's making a difference. It's making a difference. it's spinning okay I did analyze

that the second one nobody saw the movie the movie ate a bag of dog shit it happens what do you want me to do jump off a building you win some you lose some yeah

I did you know analyze that I did a punch of these little movies taxi. I got one line in Spider-Man 2. I got one line in.

Rodney Dangerfield back by midnight. I got a couple days on that. You know, they weren't making any sense to me. So I called up Rick Doakerman and I go, Rick, the pilot, this, I'm killing at the store, you know, all this shit. Nothing is happening for me. And he says that this all comes together in cultures. This all grows in cultures. He goes, one day, this is all going to weave together.

You're going to do something that's going to weave this together. And then it becomes something. And I'm like, what the fuck is this guy talking about? You know, I'm not a smart guy. What the fuck are you talking about? Sure enough, I got the longest yard. you know Law and Order SBU

fucking My name is Earl And then the writer strike came 2000 You know 2007 I quit Coke I did my last episode

For my name is Earl December of 2007 The writer strike came 2008 Uh They picked it up after a war I don't think I booked anything on 2008

check. 2009, I got married. I was doing some stand-up. I wasn't back at the store. I was doing stand-up with Joe, just Joe, and I was doing some weekends of my own. I bumped into Billy Gardell before he got the first show on CBS, and I remember that he was having a hard time with the funny bones, something, the funny bones made him an offer, and he, and he, you know, he was, Now I was going through the same thing. I'll never forget that they called me one day and they said, we have a bunch of rooms for you, but you have to do Sunday through Thursday, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I was like, okay, you know, I don't want to do them or whatever. So what a lot of people really don't know is that I got out of comedy. Like I was like, I'm done with comedy. I'm quitting. I'm going to wait until, you know, I'm going to wait until, you know, I'm going to wait until, Joe takes me on the road, and then with movies and TV, I'm just going to wait until my friends call me and offer me roles.

You know, I had a lot of casting people that knew me that would just call me up and go, Joe, you want to read for this? I think you'd do a good job on this. I was really lucky in that form. So I said, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to quit comedy. I was going to get a job, you know, selling cars or whatever, just stay at home with my wife.

I didn't see my career growing. You know, I had already been in it 20 years. I was coming up on 20 years. And, but I remember one day being in the main room, and Paul Riggas was up on stage, laying it out, just destroying it, just destroying the fucking room. And I walked in from the back, and it was like a dead night. I didn't think.

And Mitzie had her own booth. And as I walked past it, I hear, fat baby and I go fuck and then she was you know mithy was tiny so she was by if she was in the booth with people you could see she was in the booth but if she was in the booth by herself you couldn't really see she was tiny so I just heard fat baby and I went over and sat next to her and I'm sitting there watching her poor Rodriguez killed and I remember looking at her and she looked at me and she goes wait till you get the 20 years and I was like 20 years.

Fuck. I don't think I'll do comedy 20 years. You know, I don't think at that time I was probably doing comedy maybe 10 years, maybe 12 years, 11 years, around there. And she goes,

once you hit the 20 year mark, things are really gonna change for you and all this shit. Well, I started a podcast and what Rick Doekerman told me and what all the mentors I had told me was right. At the 20 year mark, just at a certain point, let's not even say the 20 year mark,

why did I even say that? I'm sorry. At a certain point. So once the podcast came, and not when I was doing the podcast with Felicia, what at one point with the church and through Joe Rogan, that whole thing, that whole blanket got put together.

Now people were hitting me up going, we didn't know that was you in Spider-Man 2. We didn't know that was you in the longest yard. We didn't know that was you and the Meatball King. We didn't know that was you. You know, it's so weird that now people watch that and they'll hit me up immediately. We didn't know that you were Mafia 3.

we didn't know that you it becomes a big fucking now I got this resume and everybody knows what the resume is you just look at it and it's right there but if I would have told you that I was going to have this resume 15 years ago because I didn't have the fucking patience patience is just as fucking important as the effort you're putting in because if you're not patient you're going to lose your mind and guess what i saw more fucking good comics leave l a because they were impatient than stay i'm lucky that somewhere along the line i found the patience and i saw the light if not i would have been one of those statistics don't let patience ruin your dream whatever dream you have don't let patience ruin your dream you know how i

let patients come into my life by knowing I was doing my job. You won't have pay. When do you have patience when you're not doing your job? When you're just playing three chords every day and telling your friends, I can't wait to have my band. You know, that's when you're impatient when you're not doing your job. But when you're doing everything you can to be that person, your impatience will go away.

You'll get patience because you know you're moving in the right direction. But Joey, how do I know I'm moving in the right direction? You'll know it when you're doing it. Do you think I knew what I was doing when I walked into the store and when I met Joe? And no, I had a job to do. My job was to write comedy, perform comedy, and get on stage as much as I could. That's my job, point-blank range, not fucking getting in people's business, not being an advocate,

not being a political comic, and none of that shit. My job, what's that thing? What's that movie she made? Eat, pray, love. Go fuck yourself. Get on stage, write your jokes, and fucking rehearse

or whatever the fuck I said earlier. Get on stage, write, and do as many fucking sets as you can and know that you're going to fucking... You only get impatient if you're not doing the job. You'll get patience if you're doing everything you can to attain that goal. So sometimes we work too much on the goals.

Sometimes we work too much on the writing. Let's start working on the patience from now on. Patience is the big fucking motivator. Because without patience, you're never going to get to that fucking dream. And that's the Monday morning podcast on February 8th. A beautiful podcast on fucking patience. it's a beautiful day to be alive. So I figured I'd say this today

because we've been talking a lot about karma and all that. Should all this snow has making me think of a lot about Colorado, which is good because it's helping me writing in the book. But when I was looking at the book the other day, I was like, Jesus Christ, I can't believe that a month ago when I started talking about this on the podcast with these guys. I swear to God, guys, I must have had 100 pages in the computer and I erased them all.

Erased them all. Erased them. Erased them. I didn't want them around no more. I didn't want to read that shit no more. I didn't want to look at it no more. I was starting from fucking scratch. I erased the fucking X outline I had.

I did it all. I got rid of everything and I started from scratch. So thanks to you guys for giving me this opportunity. But today, that's it. I just want to talk about page. because I don't think we talk about it enough. And I don't think people have enough. And I think people don't give themselves enough patience

to get to where they need to be. And they quit and they forget about everything. I'm just really happy that somewhere along the line, patients came into my life and I held it out. And now I got the option to either keep doing what I'm doing at 30 years or move on to the next thing. Like I said, I don't know how I feel. Right now, I feel like comedy just might be a hobby for the rest of my life.

Just pick a club, do a couple nights a month. But you never know. Something might fucking spike me up the ass, and I'm back on the road doing weeks. It's not going to be any time soon. But it'll be in time. And I'll let time figure it out. We still got the summer. But all I know for now is February 19th and 20th, Uncle Vinny's Comedy.

Club. Thank you very much for listening to the podcast today. It's a fucking snowy fucking week here in Jersey. We got about six inches yesterday. So me and Mike had to work hard last night to put this together for a Monday morning. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you very much for always watching this. Oh, I want to thank sure for sending us our beautiful new microphone. I told you motherfuckers. I didn't want to start the podcast in a way in October because I wasn't ready, but I had no choice. I had to be ready. I forced myself to do this every week, even though it wasn't going to be the same podcast, even though a lot of you wasn't going to be happy. That's not my problem. My problem is that I had to be happy and I had to keep pushing

forward. The only situation we had was because of the pandemic, we couldn't get a lot of the things that we wanted. So a lot of people got pissed off. Well, you said you were going to use a bar. I'm getting rid of that bar. I told you that, right? Yeah, we're getting rid of that bar. Yeah, we're getting rid of that bar. Because we don't drink. We don't really drink. I was going to do a podcast at the bar. I'm going to stock a bar.

And then after living down here for three weeks with the fucked up leg, I realized that it's a fucking clunk. I could take that out of there and put like a microwave on the counter. and, you know, make it more. That's going to be a fucking family room anyway. You know, like I said to you in the beginning. This was all temporary. And we also got a picture of the legendary chance,

Dragon motherfucking in. So you can't talk shit now no more. We got everything covered. We got Chance. We got ACDC. We got Sister Heistin. We got Charles Bronson. We got Sidney Moncrief.

But who gives the fuck? So I want to thank, Sure, for sending us the microphone. Mike was also getting us some new cameras. They finally fucking came so we could finally add some dimension to this. Like I said to your people, patience. Patience. Fucking people wrote me letters, hate mail, complaints to me, you know, about this, the iPhone. Guys, it wasn't all going to happen over the fucking night. I thought I could make it happen. But once I got here, I mean, dog, it took six months to get the compressor. The compresses not coming until February 19th.

I mean, everything fucking takes time. So, thank you for, if you stuck around to the Bob Lillingsas, all you Patreon motherfuckers, thank you for the support and the love. You know, you guys expected something that I couldn't deliver. But I also told you to stick it out with me. That every week we would get stronger and we would get fucking better and we would keep adding things. And before you know, a couple more weeks,

Once this shit is over, we'll get a new fucking studio somewhere. You know, we're going to move onward and onward. So this was just the beginning. This is just to show you that we don't just fucking talk to talk. We walk to walk. It's all about patience. Have a great fucking week, cuckuckers. I hope you enjoyed the podcast today.

Stay black. All right. I want to thank you guys for listening on a Monday. I know you're busy. You got your own lives. You got shit to do on people to see. But before we leave, I want to thank you. I'm gonna talk to you about a few companies here that I love, and I do business with, and they're tremendous.

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