The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #038 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: February 10, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint.... Wednesday, February 10th..... Today, we talked about Commitment...... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Stamps.com & CBD Lion. Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.Stamps.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and enter Code: CHURCH or JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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It's Wednesday, February 10th. A beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. Thank you for watching Uncle Joey's Joint. I'm sorry about Monday's podcast. We didn't talk about the fucking Super Bowl. We got caught up on patience that morning. I was thinking about patience, and we didn't talk about the Super Bowl,

a lot of other things that were on my mind. Today I want to talk to you guys about something that I feel that I'm not doing you any favors by by telling you these things, especially the younger comics and people who are starting as electricians or fucking carpenters or if you're an apprentice or if you're starting your own business.

I want you to remember something, okay? When I got into comedy, I wanted to change my life when I got into comedy. And right now, this is it. I'm telling you, I've been in comedy clubs 30 years. It's official this week. This is the week when I started working at Witsend in Westminster, Colorado, fucking 30 years ago. So I've been going to comedy clubs. When I got into comedy, at first it was a slow, the first two years, it was a very slow progression.

I didn't know what I was doing. I was feeling myself around. In retrospect, I shouldn't even count those two years. But I do. I say the truth, because it doesn't really matter. It's just two extra years that I was just dicking around. I didn't know how to even get started. But once I got what I was doing, I committed.

And when I committed, I fucking committed. You know, I was all in. But I still had sort of a life. You know, I still had sort of a life in Boulder. I still, you know, dated girls. I knew I didn't want to get married. When I committed, I committed to not get married. I didn't even want a girlfriend.

I didn't even want a girlfriend. I just wanted to sleep with people from time to time. If I was lucky, whatever. That's it. I didn't want a girlfriend. I didn't, you know, I knew I was a fucking broke comic. Who wants a date of broke fucking comic? You?

No. So, when I first left Boulder, I still had like little friends and stuff like that that I did things with. You know, I went to Nugget games. I would go to CU games, I would go to concerts, I would go to the Fox Theater. You know, I did shit like that. And then when I lived in Seattle, I was part of a crew. You know, I was with Josh Wolf and Mark Madison and just a bunch of us running around.

And even up there, we went to a couple Seahawk games and shit like that. When I moved to L.A. and I got into the comedy store, I knew, from my insecurities, I just knew I wasn't as good as everybody else. I looked around LA and all the shit I heard about LA and I went to all the comedy clubs and I went home and I had a long talk with myself that if I'm going to last here I got to commit into this 150%. And when I mean 150%,

I mean I got to eat, sleep and think fucking comedy. And that's great. That's what, you know, that's what commitment is. But I think when I got to LA, I did it a little bit too much. Like I just got into it. I still remember, you know, I got there meeting Ralph And basically, you know, I slept in different places. You know, I would sleep in my car, whatever.

And then I would walk to Ralphies in the afternoon. And I would fucking, we would just sit there and write jokes. You know, and then as I got more time in, I started auditioning. And then the fucking, I got the acting bug. And I want to know everything about acting. I mean, I had watched a thousand fucking movies. You know I know everything about fucking movies. I love movies.

So I had watched everything about movies, but I needed to. learn how to act. Well, I thought in my mind I'd lead it to learn how to act. So I got into fucking, you know, acting class. And then, you know, I started going on the fucking road in 98. And, you know, one thing led to another, I became a working comic. And I'm very proud of that fact. But I think I took it a little too far as a working comic because I gave up all the things that brought me joy. The only thing that I took with me into comedy was my job. Was my drug habit. That's it. That's all I had. It was drugs and comedy. Women weren't even in a mix for me at that point. I mean, this is square business. When I got into that fucking comedy store,

I went nuts. I didn't know I was very inferior. I knew that, you know, I could be out of there any day. I told you guys that there were nights I would bomb and I would cry in the car on the way home because I'd say to myself, this is the last time I'll be in there, especially after that fucking bombing, you know? But again, I got so involved with comedy that when I moved to LA, I was 248 pounds. Is that on the big side? At that time, if you were to saw me, you would have go, Jesus, Joey, you look like a million fucking bucks. I had big shoulders, you know, in Seattle, I hit the bag, I lifted from time to time, I played basketball. You know, I was involved with different things. When I moved to Seattle, when I moved to LA, the competition, the competition,

was so fierce and I knew I had to go in so deep that I gave every like I said I just little by little you know all the things that brought me joy going to the movies you know all those little things I just cut them out it was the money I had was either going to be used for a plane ticket or for cocaine rent or child support all that of this shit went away and one of the things I got of and you guys noticed for a fact was football like I used to of fucking Gryan Lee all the time. Like, what'd you do all day? Sunday.

I watch both games. Who watches two fucking football games? On a fucking Sunday when you're 32 years old. You have so much to do. Even I gave up fucking football, watching football, watching baseball, watching basketball. You guys know how much I love basketball. I knew fucking everything about basketball.

In 95, I fucking took the Houston Rockets. That's when Orlando Magic had fucking Shaq. I knew everything about fucking soccer. sports. I worked for a sports betting service. From 93 to 95, I did three years on a sports betting service. I knew players, draft picks, who the quarterback was, the coach's wife, who his girlfriend was. I knew everything about fucking sports. That's what us as guys do. When I got into comedy, I even told football to go fuck itself, because you can't sit around and watch football. You need to write. You know, I had programmed myself that I was beating myself up that much,

that I even stopped watching football. I stopped watching basketball. Yeah, I went to, in 23 years, Rogan took me to a Laker game when he was on Fear Factor, him and Doug Stanhope, we went to the fucking, a Laker game,

and I went to the Laker game, I think, with my wife and another family. I went to two Laker games in 23 years. I went to maybe 15 Dodger games. I couldn't tell you the lineup. I just went to take my uncle because he was a baseball fan. So after I reconnected with my uncle in 2009, I started taking him to Dodger games.

Before 2009, I didn't go to any fucking Dodger games. So you got to remember from 98 to 2006, I didn't take a break. And I also got up to 418 fucking pounds. Like even my fitness, even my health. I didn't even care about my fucking health. The first time I went to a doctor, was when I met this poor girl, my wife,

and she forced me to go to a doctor for sleep amy there. And even though I had insurance and everything, I forgot all, like, I didn't do anything I used to do. When I was in a hotel room on a Sunday, when I used to work Sunday, I think I worked Sundays up to 99. I would not watch football. I would turn it off and I'd be fucking writing.

And that was all good, you know, for 20 fucking three years in fucking L.A., I didn't have much of a life. I turned my life into a, it was all built around comedy. If I went to a party, it was because it was a comedy party. Or a movie invited me to a party. I had worked on a show, you know, and I went to a party. You know, sometimes I just went, I didn't want to fucking go to a party.

I just went to take my wife out on a date. Like, the last one we went to was I'm dying up here, had a season finale, and I did two episodes, and I took it to that part. You know, I didn't do anything that was normal. nothing like that. And I had friends. Like I had Ari and I had Duncan and I had, you know, Eddie Bravo me and Eddie went to a couple Dodger games with the kids.

You know, I had all that stuff. But something was missing from my life. When I moved to Jersey, I made plans in my mind that I had to change my life. Like if I moved to Jersey, this shit that I'm doing this, my social life has to definitely fucking change. Like, something has to come of this. And, you know, the pandemic came. I called Jimmy Florentine,

uh, Jimmy Florentine's sister-in-law Trish. Florentine sold me the house. And I was very happy. I had my friends up north. You know, I was going to start hanging out with them. And then one day, Jimmy says to me, I don't know if you know this, but on Sundays, we do football. You know, I don't know who's going to show up this year because of COVID,

but you're welcome to come over. open up the windows. They have an air filter. They open up the back air and everybody's social distances. And we watch football, like eight and nine guys. So during the pandemic, you know, I'm like, I don't know much. You know, I don't really want to watch a football game, but I'll go over there. And I started going over there and I started going over there until halftime.

And then I would stay to the third quarter. And then I would stay to the fourth quarter. And then I would stay to the beginning of the next game. And then I would stay for fucking until halftime. And, you know, pretty soon I would be there and I would watch the first two games of the day at Jimmy Florentines with his friends, his childhood fucking friends and all his family.

And I would sit there and I would take edibles and fucking giggle. And trust me, the first three or four weeks, I would just sit in the corner, paranoid, saying, when am I going to get fucking COVID? You know, I was scared of getting COVID. But these guys are all clean. Like they all wear masks

and they're all legit during the week. There was no reason to be scared. did the whole season without a whole fucking thing. Knock on wood. We did the whole fucking season without something. And I think I missed three weeks, like the two, two weeks of surgery. After the surgery, it was the only two or three Sundays I missed. I never missed the Sunday. I went every fucking Sunday and every, and let me tell you something, how much it helped me. Just doing that, not doing comedy on Sunday. When we were over there on Sunday, those guys don't give a fuck that I was in the many saints in Newark.

They don't give a fuck. I was in Spider-Man, too. They don't give a fuck that I sold out of the theater. They don't give a fuck about nothing. They're at a bet and watch fucking football and crack jokes and say the craziest things you've ever heard in your life. And I loved it.

It actually brought me back. The reason why I'm back is from going over there on Sundays. You know, before we went, I went over there. Jimmy came up to me. He's like, listen, there's some guys that are kind of, they're crazy. They say some fuck. up shit and I'm like, dog, I'm from fucking Jersey.

You know, I remember leaving there and him calling me going, were they a little too heavy for you? And I'm like, dog, I'm so happy I went to your house because just knowing those type of people still exist. In L.A., those people don't exist. Just knowing that those people still exist, and I left Jersey and I was missing something in L.A. And I come back and Jimmy Florentines throws me into his fucking Sunday football.

I mean, it was like being a little kid in the candy store. They got the pizzas, they got the wings, they got the shrimp. They got everything. But it's not that. It's the camaraderie. They fucking, they gamble. You know, so I got it. They're all on fucking Draft Kings.

We're all on Draft Kings fucking around every week. This week I did not make a fucking bet for the Super Bowl. I did like the total. I spoke to Draft Kings and my agent on Thursday last week. And when I got off the phone, my agent calls me back and she goes, Graph Kings want to know who you like. And I go, I'm not betting the team.

It's too hard to bet the team. I'm going to bet the total. I like the total because in my mind, I thought that exactly what happened happened. In my mind, I thought that either they were going to get the Brady and homie was going to score a couple touchdowns, but I didn't think it was going to be an all-out war. You know what I'm saying?

Like an all-out fucking one touchdown, another touchdown. I knew one of the defenses was going to get to one of the quarterbacks. To be honestly, I didn't think it was going to be Mahones. I thought that Brady was just a little too old. Fuck, he fucking, you know, changed my fucking mind, my perspective quick. I will hit the pool this week at Jimmy's. I won the second half.

I won 100 bucks. So, you know, it was probably, I put 30 bucks. You know, it was those things. When was the last time I played a pool? You know, the last time I put $5 in a square? Yeah, fucking 30 years ago. Like all these little things, this is what I want you to understand

that when you get into something, I don't care how much you love it, you still got to keep up your social things, whatever your social activities are away from that. You know, listen, I love comedians. I love being around them. They're fucking nuts. But this break has done me wonders.

And going over there, on Sundays was the start of it. You know, I got, the people who knocked my anxiety out and my fears were two men. It was Rich Boss and Jimmy Florentine. When I got here, when I was in the Somerset,

I would have to meet Rich like every other day. We would meet at a bagel place and I'd sit outside and the whole time I'd be fucking shaking. I'd have anxiety. I was scared to the news. But when I saw Jimmy and his family and how they got together and everybody was cool,

And everything was, I was like, fuck it. I guess that we're going to be cool. And every Monday morning I would wake up and swallow. Do I have a sore throat? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I mean, the house is clean.

It's just a great fucking time with guys. But what I'm trying to say to you here is, no matter what you get involved in, never forget yourself. I got to be honest with you. That was my biggest mistake when I got into comedy. That is why I am burnt out on fucking comedy right now. That is why I said those things on Sunday that I said, because when I went in, I went in. I've been doing what I was doing since 1994.

I have not fucking stopped. And from 98 to 2020, I did not have that social fucking life. I did not have that social life. Yes, I had friends and yes, I had a podcast. And yes, I went to that store. But those little simple little things is what I was missing and what I wanted. That's all I wanted.

I wanted to have regular fucking people around me again. I got sick and tired of hearing about Instagram friends. How many Facebook followers do you have? And how many Twitter followers do you? Nobody in my fucking neighborhood gives two Frenchmen's fuck that I've been in the movie. Not one fucking person. in this neighbor that said to me,

hey, can we take a fucking picture? Not one of them. My man, Frank, across the street, every once in a while, he'll go, was that you I saw on Brick Chrysher show on Netflix? And I go, yeah, I get lucky from time to time. They don't give a Frenchman's fuck. It's not like L.A. was that everything is based off

what you have on social media or who you were hanging out with it. He's friends with Chappelle. What the fuck is wrong what you're going? Why can you just be fucking normal? I'm sorry about that. But the moral of the story is, I forgot who the fuck I was. I forgot those little things.

Going to football, just to go into somebody's house and watching football. And if I'm not there, I go to my other buddy's house, Joe Rayl. And I go over there, and I smoke a number over there with him,

and I watch fucking TV, you know, just for an hour. He watches shows about real estate and shit. I don't give a fuck. We're not talking about an audition or whatever. the club did to you or, you know, last weekend in Tampa, I don't want to hear that shit no more. It was just to the point where I couldn't hear it no more. I just got, I don't know,

I don't know how to explain it. I still love fucking comedy. I still love watching it. I was watching Ron White last night dying my ass off from the fucking, when they all did the show together, the four fucking amigos, whatever the fuck they are, Ron White had me dying. but my love for comedy is still there I just right now at this time I think I'm just fucking burnt out and sure who's not gonna be burnt out

I gave everything I fucking had to this fucking thing I didn't go in there to fuck around I didn't go in there to get a fucking deal I didn't get a fucking deal to 2000 fucking 17 everybody was getting deals

in 2000 2001 2002 nobody was talking to me what nobody remembers is that in 2009, I quit comedy. I was like, fuck it. I'm not going to, I'm not at the store anymore. I got Joe Rogan who takes me on the road. He goes on the road enough.

I'll go on the road with him. I'll do 20, 15 minutes. And I'll get a job during the week. And I'll fucking let my friends, like Greg Garcia, people like that, put me in their TV shows and I'll get insurance. And that's what I was going to do. I was burnt the fuck out. Nobody wanted to talk to me.

Nobody ever said two words to me about stand-up. This whole career started when I told the story on Beauty and the Beast about mugging a hooker and light her wig on fire. Then I did 20 fucking movies. Nobody would say a fucking word to me. Not a word to me. Nobody would come up to me, hey, it's nothing.

All of a sudden I go on a fucking podcast that nobody really listened to it. And I said that I fucking lit a fucking hooker's wig on fire. And next thing you know, I'm selling fucking fucking. and tickets to shows. I was, but you gotta remember one thing. There were people that did not like me and Ari.

For years, they would ask Rogan, why do you bring these two losers on the fucking road and all that shit? So, this was part of the reason. I wasn't getting nowhere with stand-up. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. For fucking 20 years, nobody talked to me. From 91 to 2010, I couldn't even get a fucking booking agent.

Nobody would talk to me about stand-up. Meanwhile, I'm at the store. tearing their fucking hearts out every fucking night till I think I left the store in 2007. I was at that store tearing fucking lights out already. From 2003 on, I had already started clicking. I had already started rocking and rolling, especially at the store.

The improvs knew I was rocking and rolling. I was kind of co-headlining or whatnot. But I didn't fucking stop. My commitment was that much. I mean, am I mad at my? myself for it? No, I'm here. I got to where I wanted to be. I got to the league where I wanted to be. You know, I never wanted to be Kevin Hart. I never wanted to be Dave Chappelle. I just wanted to be a regular comic and at least somebody say he's fucking

funny and maybe, maybe do like a stand-up comedy routine. I would have been fucking satisfied with that. I swear to God, because I didn't feel like I was worthy of getting all this shit. I'm a fucking felon. I'm a petty fucking thief. All of of a sudden I'm fucking, you know, people want to take pictures with me. People want to get my autograph. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Don't these people know I kidnap somebody? What the fuck is going on?

So this was all new to me. So when 2010 came along, and once that story went, it just fucking snowballed. Thank God, thank God that before Mercy was born, I took herself look at myself. And I said, you know, if I'm going to be a father, I got to do this, I got to do that, I got to do this. I got to be this way. I got to stick to my word. And I fucking did it.

But I couldn't do it before. I did it because I was older. Now I can see, listen, I can see a move 20 steps ahead now. I see a move 20 fucking steps ahead. You know, when you get older and you go through a fucking life like I did, you can see the next 20 steps. When somebody comes up to you with their first three words, you already know where this is going. And for me, that's what happened with comedy. Like I already knew the fucking steps.

I already was in it. But I let myself go. I let myself go in ways that today I got to pay for. Like today, you know, when I wake up, if you don't think I'm doing fucking sit-ups every day, even with this bad fucking leg, you're out of your mind. I do my sit-ups. I try to do fucking push-ups off the fucking couch.

I do everything I can to stay in shape and to stay healthy and to keep my heart. You know, today I did the club bats, a little bit of club bats. I can't do long because the recuperation, I run out of breath, my cardio. You know, this fucking one month of being down has really fucking, I go for a walk around the fucking corner.

I'm fucking winded, but at least I'm fucking trying. But what I'm trying to say to you is that don't get caught up that much in what you're doing. Do not forget your life and do not forget who you are. I didn't forget who I was. I didn't forget who I was. I didn't change. I didn't become a movie star. I didn't stop talking to my friends.

None of that shit happened. me it was I just stopped taking care of Joey. I didn't take care of Joey. Whatever you decide on doing, nothing is as important as you are, as your health, as your hobbies, as what brings you you fucking joy, you know, and comedy brought me joy for a long time. I still love it. Going on stage and meeting different people, but that's the only regret I had. was that when I went in, I went in just a little too hard, and I forgot about a lot of fucking things. And then years later, it came back to haunt me,

like, I got no friends. You know, all I have is come. The last three or four years in L.A., I had a little sadness towards me. Yeah, Lee was my friend, but he's 30 years younger than me, 20 years younger than me. I had friends, you know, I had great friends in Ari and in Dean, and, but they weren't the friends I had.

had here. This is what I needed again. I needed to get that Jersey friend, you know, you fuck with me, I'll fuck with you mentality. I didn't come to Jersey because there was a problem or anything. I came to Jersey because

the dream was done. I had done everything I wanted to do in comedy and it was time to fucking move on. It was time to do something different, you know. I still love doing the fucking podcast. I still love talking to you guys.

I love doing the Patreon. I love answering you guys on social media. I think with the stand-up, I'm just a little upset with myself that, like, I just forgot who the fuck I was. You know, like, and now, coming back and seeing that I made a whole football season over there at Florentines,

just, it's like I want a fucking medal. Like, I want a medal for attending all of them and having a great time. tell you what really surprised me about Sunday over there. I was over there. I was having a great time. My wife and daughter went to a different Super Bowl party. That's not a place for kids over there. We're talking shit. There's no pot smoker or nothing. They drink. I'm the only fucking pot smoker. There's one guy I put edibles in his beer. Every week I go and I'm just, every time he goes to the bathroom, I put a fucking edible in his beer. 25 milligrams. 25 milligrams.

25 milligrams. One week I put 125 milligrams in hashtags and 100 milligrams in one of those fucking ABX capsules and he still fucking walked out of that. For three weeks in a row, I dose this guy and he didn't complain not one fucking time. One time he came over to me when then he goes, hey, did you give me something last week? Did you put something in my beer last week or something? I go, no, why would I do that? He goes, man, I got home last week after football. and I sat down and he goes, I was starving, but I couldn't get up to cook dinner.

I couldn't even get myself up to cook dinner. I don't know what was wrong with me. Finally, he goes, I took a little nap, and I got up about 9.30, and I was fine. I cooked dinner. He goes, I could have sworn you, me and Jimmy Florentine were fucking howling because every time he gets up to go to the bathroom,

I run over to the can, and I drops in a minute, and you actually hear the pill hit the bottom. It goes, kink! And we just fucking die. It sounds like the fucking, when, they took the braces out of my fucking knee. Those little think, think, think. That's what it sounds like.

I'll sit right behind them. And the game is right over there. And I'm right here by the back sliding door. And every time he gets up to go to the bathroom, I put a fucking little edible on this fucking beer. And then once I'm done, I leave, and I wait to hear something the next day, but I don't hear nothing.

And the best is Jimmy's brother takes the poor guy him and his other friend and they put bumper stickers on his car and it's like I like sucking dick you know if you want to blowjob hunk and they put it on the back of their cars and they don't realize it's on the back of their cars

to like fucking Wednesday these are fucking hilarious guys this is what I'm talking about this is no bullshit no fake oh my god none of that stuff these guys none of them play that shit they just play fucking tricks on each other

They gamble, they fucking drink, and they have a great time. They say shit that's out of this fucking world, the world I came from, where you could just say whatever the fuck you want and nobody's feelings get heard or, you know. One time I think I went, and after I left, there was a fracas. A woman went down there and they were fucking torturing her.

Yeah, it's not woman friendly either. It's guy friendly. And I had forgotten all about that thing. So just me going there every week on Sundays just brought me back little by little, little, little by little. They had me gambling. You know when the last time I put a bed in? Last time I put a bed in was Diaz McGregor.

That was the last time I fucking put a bet in. And a couple of weeks I fucking put bets. And I told you guys, like in September, I was putting bets in and winning small bets. I wasn't betting over my head, 25. Just to watch the game. Just to entertain yourself and watch the game. This week, I went over there early and I helped set up the pool.

And they had like a big pool and a little pool. And like I said, I said, you know, what was the last time I got in a fucking pool? I mean, this is the shit I'm talking about. These are the little things that I was not doing in L.A. That fucking suck dick. At one in my pocket, I took $30. I go give me fucking whatever.

It's $5 a box. Give me six boxes. I almost had the first quarter when it was three nothing. I almost fucking had, I had three in zero. And then fucking grunk scored a touchdown or whoever scored a touchdown. I think it was Grunkovsky, whatever was fucking,

name is and then I left a little before half time my wife called me and said I'm picked because I can't drive so my wife says we'll leave and now I'm going to come get you to get you know my daughter out to take a shower and whatnot and uh she dropped me off OV I came home I got home about 630 and when I got home I told my wife I go if it wasn't for that football on Sundays I'd still be hiding under the fucking couch I still would I wouldn't even have done the podcast because I was so fucking to COVID. ABC fucking news, that David Visser, that cock sucker, he had me so fucking fired up about fucking COVID. And I came here and I was even more petrified because this is where it fucking started. It started back here. Now it's big on the fucking West Coast, but it started back here

March 9th, I guess. That was the week when I was supposed to come. So I'm really happy that that was one of the things I wanted just to talk about, man, that no matter how much you love something, you got to have a fucking life. You got to have a life. You know, I can't fucking stress enough. It's like these people on the computers on the weekends. When I go on Twitter on Saturday just to check messages or something, and there's people yucking it up on Twitter on a Saturday and Sunday,

it breaks my fucking heart. It breaks my heart. You got to give it a breather. You got to go out. You got to take a walk. You got to see friends. You got to, you know, for years, all I did was fucking planes, trains and automobiles. So now on the weekends, that's the last thing I want to fucking do.

You know, let me tell you something. Like, I told my wife last night, how long you know me, Terry? I go out every fucking night. If I want to go out, I'll go out. You know how it is for me to go out at night? You know how many nights I go tonight I'm going to go see this guy perform at the stress factory? I don't even have the desire to fucking go out. I'm excited about next Friday and Saturday doing stand-up on my birthday at Uncle Vinny's.

I'm excited about that. I'm excited about what I'm going to do is this. I'm going to do those seven shows and then I'm going to decide where I'm at in my head. If I want to go on the road, I'll go on the road. If not, I'll just treat stand up like a hobby. And why? Why do you think I'm doing this?

Because I don't want to bomb on the road. I hate bombing. I'm not in business for you to pay $30 to see me fucking bomb. And I've been writing the book later. I've been through every fucking day I write a paragraph for two. I write ideas for the upcoming chapters. I've got it outlined. I always outlined three chapters before.

I don't even know what the fuck more I was going to say. But, you know, I have ideas and I've been writing and stuff. But when I fucking, you know, I write on a fucking iPad and I have a comedy notebook right next to it. And I'm just writing about, like, jokes about the surgery. I'm just trying to write about what I've been. been through the last fucking two or three or four months. And I'll tell you what, the next day when I look at it,

there ain't nothing funny in those fucking jokes. Not at all. I mean, I laugh a little bit, but it's not that. So what I'm going to do is this. I'm going to do these, you know, my wife said that maybe the problem is that since the shows us, somebody else is telling me this, that since the audiences are smaller,

it's tough to really gauge, and that's why you really don't like it. But that's just, I could tell you that lie, also. That's not what's bothering me. What's bothering me is that I did my job. I burnt out. I just burnt the fuck out. I did my job. I did it as hard and as best as I could. I put everything I had into those fucking things. When I did those stories for Ari's, those stories were great, but they're not great because they wrote themselves. I had to fucking sit down and write them and, you know, it's a process. Comedy is a fucking process and it's a lot of work. And I put the work in.

And I hope that what I'm going to do is this. I'm going to do those seven shows of Vinny's. I'm going to listen to the recordings. I'm going to see how I feel. And then make up my decision. If I'm not ready in April, then I'll just take the fucking summer off. And I'll get on stage when I'm ready. You know, if Jimmy or Rich have a show and I want to do a guest spot, I'll jump in on that.

The Sopranos, the Many Saints of Newer, comes out in September. You know, that would be the ideal time. for me to go out after that. Let's see how I fucking feel. You know, right now, this is the truth of the matter. The truth of the matter is I did something that I thought that me or nobody else thought could be done. I never thought I would see myself in the position I saw myself, selling out the Chicago theater, selling out the theaters in New York, selling out parks, casino. You know, I really appreciated it, but I never saw it in my future. Not a little. at all. I was very surprised

that all that shit fucking happened. So, in my world, let me tell you something. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to last to 58. I was not supposed to fucking, you know, like I told you guys, every night when I walk

into my daughter's bedroom, because my daughter goes to bed at 9, I go up there by 9, 25 and give her a kiss and tell her I love her. She shuts, she puts on a little fucking calm app at 9. and then I go back there about 10.30 and I just look at her while she's sleeping and I try to grasp what has happened in my life and how I'm living in a fucking twilight zone. This was not supposed to

happen. I see myself in that fucking rocket ship sleeping in that fucking rocket ship and I'm like, how could this be possible that I am living in New Jersey? I have a great wife who loves me and I love her she's my partner in crime and i got a fucking beautiful daughter and i had a daughter that doesn't talk to me we stopped really having contact with each other like i left her when she was five and i picked up right off it's like nothing fucking changed nothing changed but where i'm at today i never saw myself i saw myself doing comedy till i o'd or died on the road or something you know i didn't see myself being 58 with a beautiful fucking daughter

and a house and a beautiful wife and having my choice on whether or not I want to do comedy. I mean, I just, I'll get a job. I don't give a fuck. I'm ready for something else. Like, I'm just ready for something else. You know, if you guys listen to Rogan,

you heard my ads on Spotify. They finally, I'm doing ads for Rogan, uh, draft kings. So I'm excited about that. You know, I'm doing things that just are keeping me busy right now for where my head is at. I'm not ready to find. You know, it's funny, I was talking to Lee, and Lee said, Lee's in Florida. You could support him on Patreon.

He's doing a great job. He's trying his heart out. He went to Florida, young night. This is very interesting. Lee said that he walked into a restaurant with his dad, and there was 100 people easily with no mask on, just sitting there eating. And he said that he had an, he leaves like, I don't get anxiety attacks, but I got an anxiety attack. I go, what do you mean? He goes, I couldn't sit there.

That was the first time I had seen 100 people since fucking March. He goes, I almost had a fucking heart attack. So last week, the AP did a poll, and they were talking about people fucking, you know, what people think now that the vaccine is out. Do you know that fucking, like 40% of people. said that they feel comfortable inside, even with the vaccine. People still don't feel fucking comfortable. People, there's a ton of people, some that you do know, some that you don't know. I know a handful of people that have not even left the fucking house since the pandemic started.

I can name five motherfuckers I know on the personal that have not left their house since the pandemic. So if I know five fucking people, we all know people, we work with people, maybe you haven't seen them because you have, you don't. don't work with them. Maybe they haven't left the house. There's other people that are living their life like there's nothing out there. God bless you. I don't give a fuck how you live your life. I just want you to be fucking healthy.

But Lee said it was too much for him. Like he wasn't even prepared. He said he grabbed his dad and he goes, we've got to take it to go. I'm not ready to be around 100 people. So that's the same with us. You know, with me, what am I going to do? The first time I go out there and see 300 people on a fucking stage. I'm not going back to theaters. I doubt they're going to put in a fucking theater and I'm gonna do, you know, half of those people, people are broke right now. You know, half of the people in New Jersey don't get their fucking unemployment checks.

And that's going on all around the fucking country. They're talking about these stimulus checks coming out, but these checks ain't coming out. People are fucking hurting. How do I know? Because every week I get a call, I send out money. You know, I try to help my friends. I got 20 friends that are fucking having a hard time right now. I have commish.

You guys know that when I get the Patreon fucking check, I start sending out a little fucking pay pals to friends of mine that I know that I know they're fucking missing meals they don't have to fucking ask me I know what they're going through I knew what they were making you know so I don't mind because you guys are helping me out on the fucking Patreon so I pass it on

this is this is what we do we got Mike we got you know I still haven't donated the fucking thing yet I'll do that tonight thank you for reminding me it's the fucking tent I want to make a donation to uh Boston

sports. He's helping out fucking businesses. You know, I love to fucking be a part of that and for your names to be a part of that. So if you check it, it'll be under Jose Diaz. It won't be under fucking, uh, whatever the fuck, he'll be under my name. People like, we didn't see the church on there. No, stupid,

it's under Jose Diaz. Oh, one of my friends called me. You guys remember him, Keith Heron. I donated every year to him, and one he's like, ah, we didn't see it. I go, you look under Jose Diaz. It's not on the church. It's on the Jose Diaz. That's my fucking name. That's the name on the credit card.

When you go to those GoFundMe's and shit, you can't pay. You got to pay with fucking, or, you know, you could do PayPal. I don't know how we got to this. But anyway, back to Sunday's fucking game. I'm sitting there last week, and I'm like, like I said, I didn't know what was going to happen. I just knew I love Tom Brady. But I also loved the quarterback from Casey. I think he's fucking talented. He's young. He knows how to read defense. as well, I think he's fucking phenomenal. So I couldn't pick a quarterback, so I couldn't pick a side. So when you have that dilemma, you're not forced to gamble.

That's what I love about gambling on football, that you're not forced to gamble on a team. Even baseball, even basketball, you have the over and under. For people who don't know the over and under, the over and under is a score that they put, that the score is either going to go over that or under that. So let's say the over and under is 50 in a football game. For it to go over, somebody has to be 28, 25.

That's 53 points. That means it's over. If you go under the 50, that means it's, you know, 24 fucking 10. And then it goes under. So that's the difference between an under and an over. They have them in baseball. They'll put like seven and a half home runs. They have them in basketball, you know, 180 points.

I don't know what the over and under is for that Sunday night. I haven't looked yet. but I'll I won't tell you now because I have a computer in front of me who the fuck gives a fuck Sunday is Sunday today is fucking Wednesday

and all I'm fucking worried about is tonight baby when motherfucking who is this I have yeah Miami Houston look at that fucking line there's a little fucking who bots problem with that fucking line

I like looking at the lines the lines tell you everything and lately I've been betting little bets on basketball I'm not doing bad either. I haven't been doing bad. I talked to the Philly Godfather last night. He's a guy that gives you picks

and we were talking about different things and shit like that. And I told him, I go, if you ever bump into something good, give me a call, I'll pay you. I don't give a fuck. I'll pay for a fucking pick because I kind of enjoy it now.

Like, I'm going to watch the Laker game Valentine's Day. What do you think? I'm going to fucking, I'll watch it now. Now I'm back into watching stuff. You know, everybody, I can't watch TV though. Don't ask me what my show is because I don't fucking have.

one. I did watch the Denzel movie on HBO with Jared Lito. I don't know what the fuck happened there. I don't know. Two people I talked to said they watched it and they didn't understand it. I didn't even know it was Jared Lito till it was not who we're in or some shit. You know, I watched the other Gandalfini movie the other night. I'm a movie guy. I watched Death Wish the other night. Fucking the other night. Fucking tremendous. You know, I'm a movie guy. I can't. I don't time to watch a fucking series on Netflix and nothing like that. I don't even have the fucking focus to it. That's

the real fucking answer to it. But that was it. Sunday, my whole plan was to wake up and bet the total but my day got out in front of me. I had to do something with the family in the morning and by the time we had to go to freehold and by the time

we got back, I just had to drop me off at fucking Jimmy's and and I didn't, you know, But the one thing that really surprised me, and the same reason I'm doing what I'm doing, is this, guys. Let's say I'm a greedy fuck. Let's say I'm a gavone. And I don't give a fuck about you guys.

I'm going to go out on the road anyway. It's just going to be a money grab. I'm going to retire in two years. It's just going to be a money grab. I'm just going to go out, charge a ton of money for the tickets, and go up there. I don't give a fuck what comes out of my mouth. I can do that if you want me to.

I don't have the balls to do that. I don't have the heart to do that. If I want to rob you, I'll get a fucking gun. You understand what I'm trying to say to you? I don't want to go out as a fucking loser. I want to go out as remembering selling out to Vegas theater, selling out the Tempe Improv, selling out two shows in Atlanta.

I don't want to do comedy until there's 13 people in the audience, and I'm a pathetic old man up there. I hope you understand where I'm going with this. I just, you know, that's why I'm really surprised Brady didn't fucking retire. Sunday. You want to go out of fucking on top. You know what I'm saying? I'm not saying that I'm Kevin Hart. I'm not saying that I'm Dave Chappelle. I'm not saying that I'm Joe Rogan. But Doug, for what I did with what I had and where I came from and the problems I had, I did pretty fucking well. You know, even I have to take a look and go, Joey, you have nothing

to be upset about. You made it to TV, you've got a couple fucking movies, you got to sell out some big fucking venues, you had a nice run there. You have nothing to be upset about. I have nothing to be upset about. In fact, I'm fucking proud of what I did. So I'd rather stay proud this way

than for me to say, fuck these motherfuckers. Charge me $45, go out there, go up there, do improv, not give a fuck about what you do. And then you guys leave and you're going to say what? Fucking Joe Rogan's a liar. He's not the funniest guy in the world.

I don't want that to happen. So I will never do that to you. I'd rather not go out than go out to be a fucking galvone and fuck you guys in the ass. If that's what you want, you're looking for it from the wrong fucking guy. I want to go out like fucking Tom Brady. I want to go out winning a fucking Super Bowl.

And in my world, I won a Super Bowl. I made it to the Comedy Store documentary. I fucking, you know, did all the accomplishments. Guys, when I got into this, it was just a check-out. It wasn't to be successful. I didn't think I could ever attain success at anything I tried. And that's 100% honesty from the fucking heart. I didn't think I could get anywhere in this fucking world.

I thought I would just be a feature act. And it was better than a fucking Robin Housers. and dying in a fucking prison. So to me, I'd rather go out this way. I'd rather go out. You remember him, seeing me in Vegas and going, fuck, he ripped that fucking room apart. I'd rather you go out saying, bro,

I saw that motherfucker in the store one night, and it was fucking scary. I'd rather you say, fuck, and I saw him in the main room, and it was fucking scary. I saw him in Cleveland. I saw him in New York. I'd rather you say that than say,

fuck, we went to see Joey D. is that's fucking pathetic. That's what I don't want. That's what scares me the most. When I first got into this business, that was my biggest fear of being 50 years old. Nobody's gonna hire you.

And you're fucking going from club owner to the club owner. Hey, how you doing? Do you think you got a mite of me there? My wife, you know, I didn't want to be an old comic in search of. That was not what I was going for. So I rather go out this. way. If I go out, who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows what I want to do? The Sopranos comes out

September 24th, September 25th, the many saints in Newark, and that might put a bug in me. That might spark me up to do it again. You know, I was waiting to do a Clooney movie in February here. I'm waiting on law and order organized crime. I haven't heard nothing, so listen, I put it in God's hands. If God wants me to be in it, I'm in it. If not, Fuck it. I don't belong in it. That's how I look at it. So that's why I'm making my decisions like that.

I want to go out like a fucking man. I don't want to go out up on stage fucking sweating because I'm dying or fucking jokes. Fuck all that nonsense. You want to walk out on your feet, not walking on your fucking knees like a mutton half. And that's it for the Wednesday fucking podcast, man. We had a little chit-chat.

We got to talk. We got to see each other. That's it and that's that. It was a good fucking week. You know, my leg is making a fucking comeback, but it's been a month. The anniversary was fucking Monday of the surgery. I still have fucking pain.

It's not excruciating pain. You know, I still got to take the pain medication. I've cut it down by 50%. You know, I'm doing fucking the leaves now because I got to get off this pain medication. I mean, I just got to get off this. pain medication. I'm down at two tabs a fucking day probably now. So we made it. Nobody got hooked.

Nobody got fucking fucked up. You know, that was my biggest fear about this, was getting hooked on the pain pills. But obviously I've been hooked on so many fucking things. There's no other things left for me to get hooked on. So fuck it. I just keep smoking my reefer, keep eating my CBD lion. And I'll fucking make it through this shit.

You know what I'm saying? They'll get some heroin. What's that? Get some heroin. Yeah, we'll do some heroin in time. In time, I don't, I was telling somebody the other day, Mike, I don't think I could do anything anymore. Like, I'm just done.

Like, I can't imagine. Like, I have 13 years of sobriety of cocaine, and it's not really sobriety. It's called fear. Like, it's fear of cocaine, because I know if I do a line of coke, I'll die of a heart attack. If I do a line of Coke right now, I won't come back.

I've always known that because I made a promise. I made a man's promise. If I do a line of Coke, I won't come back. I can't see myself doing fucking heroin. I didn't like the first couple weeks of how these pills made me feel. It's been a really weird switch for me, like who I was and who I am now. You know, it's just... Yeah, we just changed.

And I'll tell you what, I've been smoking a lot less, too. Good, great. Tremendous. Well, the problem is this. I'm over here from fucking California, and I'm smoking these fucking joints, okay? The weed I get, there's no need to smoke joints. You don't need a whole joint.

You smoke half the joint, and you're sitting there going, what am I going to do with this fucking thing? That's why it's called one-hit weed. I went, I bought a fucking pipe, and my life change. I smoke a pipe in the morning when I get up for the breakfast appetite. I smoked a bowl when I got back from physical therapy around 1.30.

And guess when I'll smoke tonight? About a quarter to 11, right before Miami Vice. If Miami Vice sucks, I fucking, I play the weed. I fucking, if it's good, then I fucking, you know what I'm saying? Nobody loses. But I'm not even smoking as much as I was. He sent me another shipment at ABX. ABX. I love, you know, I love Justin over at ABX. I love those fucking tablets. And I had a,

you know what, I don't take them in the daytime no more. Look at my eyes. Look at my face. Look, you could see my fucking eyes. They're white. I don't take them no more. I use those edibles as sleeping pills. I use those edibles as sleeping pills. Yesterday I posted on Twitter, I posted my monthly box from on it. I get shroom tech. I get alpha brain for my cycle. I'm going to start a new cycle here on the 15th, which is next Monday. I get the protein bites for nighttime. Fucking that and an apple. Your brand new seven grams of protein when you get stone. I'm not, that's why I'm not fucking, dog, I was eating those fucking 10 chicken cutlets and pizza, no more. I get the protein bites, the peanut butter was, excuse me,

or the coconut almond from on it? Oh, tremendous. The fucking chocolate almond, nut protein bars or the fucking peanut butter from on it at night. If I get hungry, after the tea, I fucking eat an apple and I get a little protein, seven grams of protein. I think it's 100 calories. And I'm brand new. I take the fucking, I take the ABX. I put them in the fucking kikamo tea.

Kikamo has two grams of THC, five grams of CBN. Sometimes I put two bags of. a tea in there if I really want to sleep hard. I put two bags of tea in there. I'll put like, why lie? 400 milligrams? Because my man

told me that the hundreds were stronger than the 200s. My man, fucking Mike, is always paying attention. Mike calls me up. He's like, man, I think these hundreds are stronger than the 200s. So I said, let me try it. Holy fuck. I put 400s in a car.

cup one night. I couldn't even fucking breathe. I woke up, I told you like this, my arm was up. I woke up like all twisted with the cup in my fucking hand, like this. I woke up like a four in the morning, like, why am I fucking twisted? Jesus Christ, there was an inch of tea left in that motherfucker. I went to taste it. It was colder than the fucking ice cube. I had been asleep for like five hours, holding a cup with my arm up on the fucking lazy boy. So I use those. I I used because I had to switch my time zone. So I stopped doing, yeah, I was falling asleep at four in the fucking morning. So I said, fuck it, what am I going to do?

So I got off the edibles completely. I got clean and fucking sober off the edibles. And now I used them to go to sleep at night. Four of those ABXs and a cup of fucking, you can use kikamoto tea or you could use what's other lemon tea from, not lemon zinger. Do you ever, have you ever tried a lemon zinger? Oh, that shit's got extra caffeine in it. But they got a cousin, Sleepy Time. It's made in Longmont, Colorado, the company.

I get one of those Sleepy Time teas, and I'll throw four edibles in that. Oh, my God. One night I ran out of the fucking, one night I ran out of the ABXs, and I got like eight of those fucking hemp, the hashtags, and I put them in the fucking tea, and it was the worst-tasting.

thing I ever drank in my life. It tastes it like rotten miso soup. I drank the whole fucking thing like a soldier. Listen, I sleep like a baby. Why? I spray the melatonin in my fucking mouth from on it. You got a problem sleeping, get the melatonin from on it. And it also, melatonin is good to fight against fucking COVID. So remember what I'm telling you that? Ah, you heard that from Uncle Joey. I sprayed a fucking melatonin. I put the four tabs in my fucking, And this is what I need to fall asleep and that is a tank. I put four tabs in a fucking tea.

I put three or four fucking tinctures of either Tommy Chong's. Tommy Chong has a good little sleep. A potion he gave me. His buddy gave me a thing. I either go with CBD Lion or fucking put you down. But you got to move them around

because your body adjust to melancho. Your body adjust to all this sleep shit and then you're just sitting there and out of sleep So every night I got to go from somewhere different So some nights I just do the kikimo Some nights I do the CBD lion Some nights I do Tommy Chong's little fucking contraption that he gave me Some nights I do the fucking ABX some nights I do the T to confuse me It keeps me fucking confused

So I never because if I do Melatonin three nights in a row I won't fucking sleep What's the other thing that they use? That's in Turkey. Cryptophan. I have triptophan too. So I'll switch it around. You know me, dog.

You got to play tricks on yourself. You know what I'm saying? Don't forget. Chans, I respect for the Chinese people. I ain't mad at you. I forgot all about COVID. Who gives a fuck? We're here, we're queer.

It's fucking Wednesday, and we're moving straight ahead. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. Thank you very much for supporting me here. Thank you very much for supporting me on Patreon, and thank you very much for just supporting me at all, coming to shows, whatever the fuck you do.

Like I said, this weekend, Draft Kings is on fire, fucking Valentine's Day this weekend. Don't forget to give you a wife a fucking gift. You know, ladies, if you're looking for a gift, it's not too late to get manscaped so he could shave his balls and his asshole and put that ball right in your fucking mouth

for Valentine's Day. Who needs chocolate when you got a nice set of fucking balls? Just dip up. them in Hershey's chocolate and dip them in her fucking mouth. And that's it. That's the best Valentine's day you'll ever fucking have. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Have a great fucking week.

Whatever's left. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. Thank you for all the support. And now for a word for my sponsors. Oh, real quick. Zeke, bitches, what do you think about that? They sent me a little t-shirt. If you're in the fucking L.A. area, Do not forget to go to urban trees. Tell him Uncle Joey sent you

and they'll fucking hook you up. Tell them you want the fucking peanut butter cups from fucking Zeke. Tell them you want to fuck you. I tell you what you get from Zeke. I see. Ooh. I love you, motherfuckers.

Stay black. Have a great weekend. Don't forget about draft kings. Don't forget about CBD Lyon. Don't forget about stamps.com. Don't forget about me. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great weekend.

and stay black. All right, you guys. Thank you very much for listening today. It's a shitty fucking Wednesday, but what are you going to do? It's cold outside. At least you're listening. We had a nice little hour with chit-chat and whatnot.

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great week of podcast, but most importantly, I want to thank you, motherfuckers. Thank you. Have a great weekend and see you Monday morning. Tip-top, motherfucking McGoo. Happy Valentine's Day. I love you guys. Take a hike.