The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #039 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Monday, February 15th..... This episode is brought to you by LUCY.co & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.Lucy.co and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and enter Code: CHURCH or JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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CBD lion is the way to go it starts today go to CBD lion dot com right now and press in church or Joey and get 20% delivered right to your crib. I love you guys. Let's get ready to start this party. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 15th of February. Happy belated Valentine's Day to all you lovers.

I hope you got out and got your balls licked and your dick sucked. Hopefully you need some CBD line today for your neck. You know, you're eating ass. You got that weird position in your neck. No light blue today. Today I decided to go with my man, Felipe and Rodrigo, the fucking, what's up, fool podcast. Just I love him and I miss Felipe and I figured I'd put it on.

I hope your weekend was great. Fucking dick went on. You know, Friday night, my wife went out. I stayed at home with the baby and watched whatever from Sulfur Springs. Ooh. And then last night, Saturday night, I didn't do it. Well, last night was Valentine's Day. and we just got some food from a restaurant

but we're only going to get reservations. And we just got it brought into the house and we watched 60 minutes. Nothing changes. You know, I'm a boring fuck. Saturday night I was watching fucking the prelims and I was ready to watch the fucking fight. I wanted to bet one fight on the card, okay?

I really liked the deal that Draft Kings gave with the one punch. I was definitely going to get it on that. But I liked the Bobby Green fight. But the Bobby Green fight had gotten canceled. I don't know, somebody got COVID, something happened. And then I started watching the prelims. I watched the Diego Lima one and a buddy of mine called from Colorado.

In fact, I'm going to put, he sent me a picture of my own phone number and my own pager from Colorado. I'm going to put like a little vlog up on Patreon this week. But the week was very quiet. My knees getting better. You know, the pain is high, but they don't want to give you a file. How can you have an opiate crisis when you can't have none? You can't get none. You know, they give you nine pills for eight days and tell you to take three pills a day.

The math don't fucking add up. But between the leaves and the fucking CBD and the fucking lotions, I'm making it through. I think I got a couple more weeks of physical therapy. I'm happy I did it. It was a fucking nightmare. But I'm happy I did it and it's over with and that's it and that's that. This week we're going to talk about something that I've noticed that's been going on a lot lately, and I have an explanation for you for why it's going on.

I feel bad for a lot of people who are not used to this world that people are going through this. But, you know, the last six, five months, every day I see something on Facebook, you know, that's written Facebook or Twitter, some derogatory comment either about me or, one of my friend comics or whatever. And listen, some people deserve what they're getting. You know, even myself, you want to make a comment? I'm fine. What do you want me to do?

You want me, listen, man, unless you say it to my face, the comment they meant nothing. So that's fine. I don't trip on it or whatever, you know. Until I talked to Lee, and I talked about it on the Patreon, Joey Diaz project, on the Patreon that, you know, Lee was just getting so much hate on his Instagram. but he turned off his comments, you know, he's just a sweet fucking kid, Lee Syatt. He's not cut out for this. You know, let me tell you what happens.

When you get into comedy, you get the first four or five or six years, you get so much rejection that either you quit or you get used to it. And it just doesn't bother you. That's what a lot of people don't understand, that we get nothing but rejection for five, to six to seven to eight years even now you get rejection it becomes very easy but when a podcaster goes into podcasting without having that window of time those six years of people telling you they hate you they're only going to pay you $50 they told you we're going to pay you $100 after you go through that you you could learn to deal with other things for a person like Lee he could not understand it And he would come to me and I'd go, Lee, don't read those fucking things.

You know, for example, when I had Lee with me on the podcast, every week I had 10 people hit me up and say, get rid of Lee. And now that I don't have Lee, I get 10 people who hit me up every week and tell me to bring them back. So, you know, you can't satisfy everybody. But right now, we're living in a world of fucking hate. We're living in a world of hate. Why are people hating so much? You have to ask yourself, why? Because they've lost their central nervous, their insides have been broken.

The same way I believe in Catholicism, and then God took my mother and I lost faith in it, is the same way people are losing faith in humanity. Their governments are letting them down. They're not sending them money. They're not allowed to go to work. They're getting locked down. that children are not to be go to school people have been vanished you know people are forced

to do things they didn't want to do for some people i told you that this is going to change a lot of people's minds people are going to really take a hard look at themselves and see what the fuck my next step is in life but some people aren't doing that most people are sitting there in their house waiting for an unemployment check which my heart goes out to you you you know that. Their kids are on the computer. They got to watch over their kids. The Zoom breaks down.

Or, you know, there's a bunch of 18-year-olders that this was going to be that big year. They were going to go perform and go to a Major League college Division 1 or Division 2. And here we are with no sports. And then you got a bunch of 23, 24-year-olds that were going to be set out into the world, you know, in a proper fucking way. And they couldn't do it. because so every age group whatever you know like CBS has 18 to 32 males and you know 34 to every group is suffering right now and for some people some people are used to suffering if when you read my

book and you read my childhood there's a point you're going to close the book and go I can't believe this happened to this kid and he kept fucking going that's why he started becoming a burglar And that's why, because you only hurt other people when you're hurt. People are hurt right now. They're hurt. Their boss is shit on them. They got furloughed. You know, for years your boss told you were the best employee in the world.

Now you're fucking furloughed. I mean, people have the right to be angry right now. What people don't have the right to do is to attack people. Okay? Let's talk. What are we talking about here? In my world, there's three situations right now that have fucking bothered me

in the last two weeks, four of them. Number one, I'm no Andrew Schultz for years. Sweetheart of a guy. The guy's been going after it for fucking years with three hands. You know, there's just some comics right now, Tim Dillon, you know, Andrew Schultz. I could name five or six of them,

Hazel's Trail, that they don't give a fuck if it's a pandemic. They've strived even harder. They've strived harder than old timers. They've done better than me. They've done better than a lot of guys. Am I jealous? Fuck, no.

My dick gets hard. When I see people fucking still striving, fucking poor Matt Schultz was supposed to shoot a special. And the pandemic fucking killed it. Did that stop him? No. He came out with a Netflix show.

Fucking great show, funny. All about Andrew Schultz. Boom. All of a sudden, some girl from him. Eight years ago wrote all these websites and wants to take him down because he pissed on his shoe or whatever the fuck. Is this right? Even if it did happen, what's it got to do with it today?

You didn't raise your hand 20 fucking years ago when it happened or eight years ago? I mean, I don't know the facts. But the fact is that every time somebody shines, somebody else comes in and throws those fucking dirt on their fucking shine. I've never seen anything like this in my life recently. And we can go on and on, you've seen it. Another gentleman, look, you've heard me on podcast. When I grew up in Jersey, I wasn't a big Bruce Springsteen fan. As I got older and as I got more mature as an adult,

I listened to his music and I enjoyed some of his music. Don't believe the hype. I always liked Born to Run even when I hated Springsteen. So don't believe me. Don't believe him. Don't believe him. Anyway, my point is that I've always loved 10th Avenue freeze out. It just wasn't my cup of tea.

I was into Maiden and Sabbath and, you know, fucking Led Zeppelin and all that stuff. But, you know, I really hate it what Bruce stood for for Jersey in a way. I like Bon Jovi. That was just me. I liked Sinatra. That was just me. But at the end of the day, he's a fucking great, talented fucking guy. He puts on a fucking great concert, Bruce Springsteen.

And that's it. So let's back this up. You got a DUI November 14th. Nobody, did you hear about the DUI November 15th? Did you hear about December 15th? When did we hear about it? The day after his Super Bowl lad. Think about that for five seconds.

You guys are all intelligent Americans, half he is. I know you're half retarded like me, but the other half has a logic to your mind. Think about it. guy comes out with a fucking shit okay he's talked about middle america and jiba who gives a fuck if you're still buying into that political bullshit you should be shot and fucking hung

you should be shot and fucking hud what human beings what human beings I'm not on the right I'm not on the left my ball swing right down the fucking middle I don't I don't know what I know what I like and I know what I don't like and when you talk about politics

my boner goes away that's what I don't like okay so you know whether you like it you don't like it whatever i don't give a fuck my point is he blows up a fucking great commercial and the next day a DUI from november 14th pops up hmm that's fucking creepy don't you think just like that a DUI fucking pops up he didn't kill nobody he didn't kill nobody he refused the breathaly which is not bueno you know there was a couple things he did that were not Bueno. Does that mean I'm not a Bruce Springsteen fan? I mean, he talked a lot of shit before the election that he was going to leave. Maybe people are mad at them

about that. Listen, we all have a wall entitled to our opinions. I'm not talking about all that political shit. What I'm talking about, are you seeing this right now? Are you seeing this? Another thing that destroyed me last week was a girl. I never met her. I think she's beautiful. she's still on TV. She worked on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What was Buffy? Twenty years ago? 20 years ago.

And this week, she decides to come out against Josh Walden. Now, from what I've heard about Josh Walden, he's a piece of shit. Okay? I'm not going to lie to you. I just heard it. You know, you're a comic.

You talk to different actors. I'm no disrespect, Josh Walden. Not that I want to be in one of your movies, but I'm not here to disrespect nobody. I'm just telling you what I heard. I heard that you're a fucking scumbag on your sets and you're kind of weird, whatever. It has nothing to do with me. I've never worked for you.

But at the same time, this is why I get mad. I don't know, Josh Weldon. I've never met him. I've heard different things. You know, when I got to LA, Buffy was a hot show and Angel was a hot show. And you would go in for auditions for that. I went in for a fat ghoul one time for Angel. I don't fucking know, like a fat zombo or something like that.

I'm not here to piss nobody off. But what I'm saying is so 22 years. later or whatever you decide this is the week for you to say that this man didn't even sexually assault you nothing like that he just abused you on the set that when you were pregnant he called you fat and and he made you feel inferior well guess what that's the job of every 70% of directors I worked with always started out trying to be fucking Johnny fucking mafia until you pull them aside and go listen how about I put that fucking lens in your eyeballs and you'll fucking be taping a movie from the left of your life from your eyeball.

You know, you could say it to them like that, or you could pull them aside and be a gentleman to them inside and appreciate that. And then they usually don't use you again, but who gives a fuck? You spoke up for yourself. So what you're going to do is speak up for yourself now, 22 years later that Josh did whatever the fuck he did. You know, and then you got the man of steel, Marilyn Manson, am I a big fan of his?

But I will, no, I do like some of his music. I think I got one of his fucking albums, one of his CDs. But I will tell you one thing. I heard that motherfucker, I heard shit about it in that way. Shit that I'm not going to fucking repeat. And it wasn't all good. Now, if I told you that my brother Mikey, if I heard all the shit I heard about Marilyn Manson,

if I told you I heard that about Mikey, but Mikey and me were cool. Mike and me were cool Mikey never tried to you know cattle prod me or put a fucking cue ball up my ass if Mike gave me a cool

20 year cool and I've never seen this behavior in Mike I know he's out of his mind I know he takes girls home I have a different friend that's into all that shit they put balls in your mouth and fucking whip you

you know that's that's not a one night stand that's a lifestyle for you people who don't know it that's every day you're going to come home with a candle they're going to tie you up they're going to light it on fire go eat dinner with their friends and come back and fuck you when the when the fucking lint is when the fucking the candle wick is an inch from your pussy that's their world that's their world that's what they do trust me remember i told your story that i used to tie up a girl and call it from a payphone What do you think I got that idea from?

You think I invented that? My friend, Captain S&M, told me that fucking idea. Oh, yeah, he's got, he's got, no, no, Duncan, no. This is a kid, a friend of mine from Boulder when I was in fucking college that had thousands of stories. I guess his parents had one of those type of shops, like in S&M shops in some fucking North Dakota. I don't know. What are you? put me on the spot for.

So he would tell me about these stories. And I couldn't fucking, but there was two times in my life I went off about sex. 95, when I started dating the stripper and she was telling me the things that she would do, threesomes and fucking guys paying her rent and

you know, all she has to do was fucking once a month. I never heard of shit like that. And the fucking other stuff from my buddy who was totally crazy, I never heard the shit like that. the, you know, smacking feet and fucking just, it's just a crazy

fucking world. I would see his girlfriend from time to time, black eyes or cast. You know, you need this. Why would, yeah, I seen him one time with a cast. Like he littered on fire. I don't, I don't know and I don't ask. But it's a fucking lifestyle.

So now this girl wants to turn around and the St. Marilyn Manson. So what happened? This fucking agent dumped them. The fucking record label dumped him. he just recently married you know whatever maybe he was turning his life around i don't fucking know but this type of shit has to just stop you are ruining fucking lives you are ruining fucking careers you know last week i don't know what happened again i don't know history remember i was telling

you guys i was trying to get a history fucking course so i could learn about history that i have between the reefer, the drugs, the fear, the fucking my mind. I have forgotten all about history. I don't know nothing. I never met her. I've never said two words to her. I think she's pretty, and I think she's got the cutest little toes I've ever seen in my life.

If I was still on the market, I would suck her toes and bite one of that little one. And that's Gina Carrano. She's got those fat little Italian toes, cutest fucking feet you ever seen in your life. I would bite one on her toes, like one of those Spanish chichironas. I ever see those Spanish fucking, that's what her toes look like.

Anyway, I got nothing against Gina Carrano. She said something about Jews getting chased down the street. I don't fucking know. They pulled the UTA fighter, her agents fired, the movie fired. But I see people coming to her defense. I see a lot more people coming to her defense because this has to stop. This has to stop. This anger that we have, every time somebody,

excels and we get mad at them. We're not all perfect. When you see Johnny Depp up in the stair on the theater wall as much as I like Johnny Depp, he's not fucking perfect. You know, I watched the movie Saturday night. I was trying to, I was starting to tell you guys that I watched the movie Saturday night. Fucking, if you get a chance, watch it. I was going to go to sleep. When I saw this movie is coming on, I stayed on a movie called Midnight Express, but a guy that goes to Turkey and tries to smuggle hash until the United States and gets caught in Turkey. I call Lee immediately, and I go, Lee, I don't mean to bother you. It must have been about midnight.

I go, I am watching my biggest fucking horror show right now. If I tell you how scared I am of this, you would laugh. He goes, what are you watching? I'm watching Midnight Express about a white dude that has to do time in a Turkish prison. Can you imagine the first time my breakfast gets served and I got to see that hummus with those fucking canoli pads and whatever else they eat over there? I would fucking be skinny. I'd be down to, I looked like a fucking skeleton. I wouldn't eat that shit.

Just the stink in that Turkish jail between no deodorant and the old hummus. It would kill me. I would just hang myself in a cell. I wouldn't fucking, I'd be like Ronnie Jefftreen, whatever's name is. Jeffrey Epstein. I would fucking. I wouldn't tolerate it. that shit. I don't even know

I got on that. But anyway, what I'm trying to say is that, you know, even with the Andrew Schultz thing, I've known Andrews thing, I've known Andrews for a long time. I don't believe it. And from what I'm seeing, the reaction is a lot of people ain't buying it. And I'm telling you why.

Because this accusation thing now is starting to get old. It's really starting to get old. People are double taking you and going, what are you talking about? So 22 years ago, you were on a set with Josh Weldon jumping up and down. Buffy's the number one show on the WB.

We're going to parties every night, and you were cashing a big chick. And all of a sudden, the show ends. You move on with your career. And now, 22 years later, you want to raise your hand and say that you worked at a toxic environment? Let me talk to your people about something. Go to my IMDB right now, Joey Diaz, IMDB. I worked. I'm not somebody who's telling this out of place. I'm not that guy that holds on to one movie, you know.

I worked. I worked. And I was on a lot of sets. And I got to tell you something, 60% of them were shit sets. Shit sets. And you know what makes some shitty sets? Ego, that starts from the top, from the producers and the directors, to, Actors, you have too many clashes on a set. You have too many chiefs, but not enough fucking Indians.

So it makes every set toxic. I'm going to tell you a set I worked at. That had zero toxicity in it. The many saints in Newark. Do you know why? Come here, I'll tell you a secret. They shot it in New... And David Chase made it a closed set.

Which means, you know, that little faggy agent. with the white shoes that shows up to all your events and hi oh my god this is great now we can mingle with other motherfuckers that don't know nothing about nothing they wasn't allowed i remember my first two days on the many saint's of newark i'm like this is great and i asked somebody from l a why is shooting in fucking l a different from shooting in new york and they said ah ooh no industry and looked around I was like, oh my God, what a fucking difference. I remember shooting an episode of Marin with Sally Struthers. I love Mark.

I loved Mark for giving me the second episode. Mark was great. If you guys have seen any of my episodes of Mark Marin, that motherfucker put a firecracker under my ass and let me do whatever I do. That's why no matter what happens in this lifestyle, in this life, I'll have Mark Marin down. I got his back because when it came down the acting, he didn't pull rank on me.

He let Joey Diaz be fucking Joey Diaz and when you watch that fucking episode I went off. Those are the first two TV episodes I've ever gone fucking off on. I forgot where I was going to go with this tangent. But you see what happens

and you smoke dope early in the morning? But what was I talking about? There was no... There was no... There was no... You know, when I got to Marin, all those fucking, Marron was great. His set was great. Was it open set there?

It was open set. You know, the executive producers were great. The fucking writers were great. The writers were superb. The problem with that set was, there was, you know, the episode I did, the first episode I did was me, Burr and Marin, and you got 30 agents there at night. And these are the same people that were. wouldn't talk to me 10 years ago.

And here I am slinging dick in front of him. Like, you didn't like me before. Now they're smiling at me. Like, hi, that was great. Go fuck your mother. You're going to tell me. 20 years ago, you told me I had nothing to say on stage. Now you're telling me I'm killing it on here.

Get the fuck out of here. You know, most comics will take those compliments and take them to the end of the fucking, you're not going to believe what he said to me. That guy says that to everybody. Who gives a Frenchman's fuck. Who cares what he had to say to you? That set was not toxic. And if it was, if you watched my performance,

I made it very untoxic, because I said some wild fucking shit in that. So this is what I'm saying to you. But there were sets that were all. And guess what? I would crack them every fucking time. I would crack them every fucking time. There was a set I worked on one night.

I told this story on the church, but I'm willing to tell you again, that is one of the highlights of my life when I have to write down the things I'm most proud of it was this because there's a video online right now me when I was still doing coke

I'm smoking a cigarette did you see it it's fucking her yeah it's like the coke in her yeah my roommate the girl that was a sloppy fucking drunk and if you look at that

person that's not who i am anymore that's how you know you change i i've changed eight times since that fucking video you know the longest yard between you and i had a little toxicity on it not sexual i mean you think about it you got wrestlers you got pro football players you got rappers you got a lot of testosterone on the set that one was toxic but not in the way that you think it was toxic. It was toxic in the way as there were too many guys and there was a couple confrontations, a couple days, thank God, no punches were thrown.

That was a different form of toxicity. The toxic that I didn't like was when I got on a set and a director or a producer spoke down to you. and it was really fucking crazy that I tolerated it unknowingly until I did cocaine. Once I stopped doing cocaine and that fog was released from my eyeballs, it became a different story for me. Example. There was two fucking examples that happened with me.

The first one was a film that was so fucking bad. It was so fucking bad. I did it because there was three examples, to be honest with you, when I stopped doing blow and I fucking just couldn't take the bullshit no more. I didn't like it. I didn't like it. When I was green and I was learning how to act, and the addiction, the addiction made me take it like a co-cour.

You know, I was, let's be honest, I was acting like a co-cour. I would let a producer say whatever fuck he wanted to me because I needed that $600 paycheck to continue my addiction. But after the addiction was gone and that lens, that Coke film went away from my eyes, it really bothered me when I would go on a set. And the first set was the set, I told you, the movie that made me quit cocaine was a movie called Boilermaker.

They told me when I went to the interview that they knew I had a Coke problem and how was it going to affect the movie. And they said not to give them an answer until tomorrow because they want me to think about the answer. And I went home. I did what I always did. I cried like a pussy that I am.

And I said, I'm not going to be able to know this. I'm not going to be able to do this movie because these people know my secrets. But you know what? At the end, I said, let me go in there like a man. And between us, I stayed sober for the first 21 fucking days of my sobriety on that set. Because of that movie, because of what that man said to me. But when you first become sober, you're not too fucking happen. You're not too fucking happy.

I'm a man and there's different types of movies that you guys don't understand. I want you to understand this so you don't think that Joe is being greedy. There is your typical film where you get scale, which is I think 685. Don't quote me, 695. If anybody knows, tweet it to me, 645 plus 10% that goes to your agent. they'll pay for your agent's fee but after you get taxed and shit you don't see that so don't worry about it then you have you have your regular scale and then you have modified scale which is probably 456 a day and then you have another scale that's 250 a day you have another movie that's 100 a day

low budget is 100 a day no wardrobe you got to bring your own wood And then there's ultra low budget, which is $50 a day. For you people who are thinking into going into acting, know that when you start now, for sure, especially with COVID, you will be doing movies for $50 days. Fuck you, Joey. You don't know what you're talking about. You're a loser. Okay, don't listen to me. They just tacked on $550,000 budget to every fucking COVID production.

Either you do it or you don't. they're going to tell you that they're doing it and they're going to pocket the $550,000 and take the money from you and the producers are going to keep the money. That's exactly what they're going to do. There's productions that are going to do the COVID thing and they have to pay you less.

But I want them to take less also. We all lose out on this. But trust me, I know Hollywood. 90% of Hollywood is going to tell you they're doing COVID testing that they're going to have all the proper whatever the fuck you call it procedures but they're not going to have it they're going to pay you less money and they're going to pocket that $550,000 I know that already going in because I know how

that fucking system works but that's got nothing to do with me you either accept the work or you don't you call me for a movie now I'll read the sides I'll put them on tape and before they say they want to offer it to you we're going to do a conference call with everybody and I'm going to tell you what you're going to expect because the first time I don't see this on your set, bye-bye. This is why I don't go on the road right now because the first time I see a little cold video slip

on a comedy club, bye-bye. There's no waiting around. There's no correction. There's no nothing. You're talking about people's lives here. So for me, bye-bye. Bye-bye.

550,000. And it adds a million dollars. I think every four weeks to a movie. So if you're going to shoot an eight-week movie, you're going to pay $2.5 million in COVID costs because the teamsters, stuff like that. Joey, why are you telling us this? We don't give a fuck.

Because I'm letting you see the other side of the fucking thing that nobody else tells you. So the first fucking movie I went off on when I started, I always behaved myself on movies. Yeah, I took the roller skates from basketball and shit like that. But I was always very respectful. I was always very respectful. If you disrespected me,

I tried to, one of the first farts on the joint, I'm back on the garlic pills. We're back, bitches, you know what I'm saying? I'm back like Steve. Ooh, that's fucking garlic at its best. You understand me? If you smelt that fucking thing

from your fucking face mask, you die. I love to have like a tube that goes into people's face mask, like a hookah, like I'd be like a living hook and I just fart and the fucking string goes right into your face mask and who could survive

I fucking love it but I went to the set and I'm having a great time now when you're doing a movie when you're a writer of a movie a producer of a movie you're selling me your dream Joey this has always been my dream

Mike wants to write a script about his band in fucking Camden in the good old days. You know what I'm saying? Okay, you want to write this fucking movie. Let's write this movie. You're the whatever. So now he comes to me one day he hires,

which is called the line producer, and a line producer comes in and looks at the things in the script that can't be done and could be done. That explosive right there that's going to cost you $18 million. All right. Get rid of that. I thought it would be great.

Yeah, it would be, but that's $18 million. million dollars less that car chase is going to cost you this that fucking chicken come on a face that's going to cost you this so you're going to read do rewrites on the script you're going to be able to be told what your budget is they're going to tell you the hotels the transportation the food the labor cost they're going to allow a percentage for whatever you call that it might go either way and there you have your budget for a film okay now you're going to go in search. You go in search of that budget. How you doing Mr. Mrs. Bob Lalingis?

My name is Joey Diaz. I do films. I'm looking for investors. It pays you back 20 points after we get the copyright licensing and blah, blah, blah. You were originally looking to get $8 million. But guess what? You got $8 million. But then the pandemic hit. and 6.3 pulled up because there's no money now. They don't know how they're going to get it back. So now you're stuck with the same movie, but you have to shoot it for one point, whatever the difference is, $7 million.

Right? If you have $8 million more. So now you've got to shoot it for $1.7 million. Now that means the actors' rates go down. And for you to get a big name, you're going to have to get a big name and give him a producer credit. So he makes extra money in the back end

if something does happen with those monies on the producer end. So I take this $100 a day film. I get there. The father from the fighter is on there. A couple great guys are in this movie. It's called Boilermaker. I get there the first fucking day.

You know, again, I'm quitting cocaine. It's my third or fourth day. I walk on the set. I go over to crap service. Crab service is where they have apples, cheese crackers, peanut butter and jelly, some co-cuts, maybe a couple pieces of cheese, maybe some Greek yogurt, coffee, teas, sodas, waters. It's a $100 a day movie. I'm not looking for much, right?

I'm not expecting a fucking guy with a prime rib with a fucking chef's hat on, you know. But I get to the table and there ain't nothing on Thursday. There's apples and some waters. Okay. I get there Friday. Nothing. And they sent you out for lunch, which I had worked on 20 movies by then.

Nobody wants to send you out to lunch. What happens if you're in your car and you're into an accident? What happens if you're in your car and you're driving and you're fucking, you know, there's so many things that could happen that when you're shooting a movie, people want you to stay there for lunch. They're going to bring you everything they can to keep you comfortable or they're going to try and that's it. They're going to bring you food for lunch.

I knew something was off when they were like, see you in an hour, go get your own lunch. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? We're paying for our own fucking lunch. Fuck you. Saturday, I go in there. Now, this is a movie that had to be shot 21 days in a row. There was no days off.

Saturday I go in there, same situation. All right. Now guess what? Sunday I go in there. I'm going to tell you something. I don't mind working Monday through Saturday for you. I love it. You gave me the opportunity.

I'm going to go in there and do the best job I can. But Sunday, I want you to know there's two things about working on Sundays with me. A, we're not going to do no 20 takes per shot. It's three takes and let's go. And B, we're going to have a nice fucking lunch. We're a fucking team. We're a movie. We're a family.

you're going to get some fucking food in here, Cated, and we're going to sit together for a half hour, 45 minutes, just like we would do with our families, since we're missing our meals with our family, that's the least you can do. Ooh, I get that fucking Sunday, and I go to the table, dick. Guess what, guys?

Now I got, Joey Dears has to be Joey Dears. Not the Joey Dears that I love, but the Joey Dears, that I fucking hate. I got to go up to the dude and go, what's going on with the food here? Well, we're going to make a laundry list to figure out.

I go, since fucking Thursday. Since Thursday, you've been going to figure out this. This is four days. This is unacceptable. This is un-fucking acceptable. And I had gotten a card from after, like two years earlier. I did this really bad pilot called Raphaelos.

It's online. There's a big story to that too. We don't have the time today. and they did the same thing. The first night, you thought you were at a UNICEF convention. You know what I'm saying? Black kids with flies on them, there was nothing to eat. And then the fucking next night I get there, and it's the Taj Mahal.

They got shakes, they got coffee machines, they got espresso. You know why? Because the fucking after guy was there. That's why. And I go, what the fuck is this? And he goes, yeah, it's a good setup. I go, this wasn't the way it was last night. He goes, what are you talking about?

I go, last night, it was like skeleton night here last night. This was like fucking HIV night That fucking gay bar. Everybody was skinny And they were giving out cherries That's it There wasn't no food There wasn't dick

What the fuck is going on? He goes, You ever go on a set again And there's nothing to eat You take this fucking card So guys, you know me dog I ain't no fucking crime stop And I don't want a crime stop on nobody

But I went to them decently I didn't go up to them like an animal To my mother's fucking grave To mercy I went up to the executive producer like a man. I go, can I talk to you for five minutes? I swear to God, guys, I pulled them aside. I go, listen, that crap service table.

That thing got HIV. That table's light. And he's like, well, we're trying to make a list together since fucking Thursday, brother. And he goes, well, what do you want from me? Like, they give you fucking attitude. That's what burns me up the most. When they give you attitude, like it, well, if you don't fucking like it, I go, No, I really don't like.

And I took the card and I go, I'm going to go to my car and call this guy. And I'm not coming back until you have that fucking food table ready. And I turned around and he's chasing me. Joey, this doesn't have to be ready. We could just give you $50 to go eat lunch. That's not the point. That's not the point, guys. The point is that table better be fucking filled up with food by the time I get back.

I'm going home. I'm going home. This shot like 20 minutes from my house. I'm going home. If you want to replace me, replace me for the $100 a day. I'm not going to lose nothing. You know, what am I losing? $100 a day after taxes and a $10 commission, what am I taking home anyway?

You still got to give a commission on $1,000 a day. And those agents will take that $10 fucking bill, even if you do three days on that movie. So I told them, I'll call you, call me when you have the food back. When I got back up there, it looked like the Taj Mahan. They pulled me aside. And there were like four people that didn't like me throughout the rest of the fucking movie. I didn't give a Frenchman's fuck. They didn't talk to me throughout the movie.

But here's the best of it. One of the executive producers was like a real dick. He was an older guy. And he came up to me. He's like, I didn't appreciate what you told the other guy. You know what, man? This is when I wasn't doing Coke no more. I really don't give a fuck what you don't appreciate.

I'm just stating the obvious. I'm just stating the fact. Are you an actor? He goes, I do it part-time. Then what the fuck are we talking about here? I got to tell you to have the fucking tables, filled? I got to tell you. So that wasn't the movie wraps, I swear to God,

the movie wraps like on a fucking Tuesday. And that Friday I had an audition for the Dark Night. For Batman, they're going to do a six-week series on one of these channels to go right into Batman Dark Night. So when I get there, who do you think is there? the fucking producer from fucking boiler maker, the old guy, the one that came up to me

and said I didn't do the right thing by calling the sad guy, fuck you. And when I got there, when I signed my name, he actually made a remark. He made a remark to the casting director that you might not want to get him

because he might complain about the after table. I even gave him that laugh too. Like, ha ha ha ha ha. Like, ha ha ha. See who's booking this fucking job, motherfucker. I heard him walk in.

I heard him do his lame-ass read. I went in there and just blew up the fucking room like, you motherfuckers know Uncle Joey could. There's certain times I can go in a room, and it's going to be lights out. And on that particular fucking day, it was lights out. And I walked out of there. And I remember seeing him packing his bag,

and I walked up to him, and I go, you ain't getting this one even if I didn't get it I knew he wasn't gonna get it he was too much of a fucking stiff that's why he produced movies so he could put himself in his own movies guess who got the Batman role

poppa you could probably find that here's the best since I was a fat fuck remember after the fucking this was 2007 I still had to be I was probably about 380 at the time they had to take me to Rochester Big and fat, the fat man store.

And they had to buy me my own little fucking Calvin Klein suit, like a $1,500 suit, like a $300 shirt, the whole fucking thing. And we shot, whatever we had a shot. It was like a two-hour shot. It was like stealing. And as I'm walking out, the lady goes, hey, do you want to buy this suit from us? We'll sell it to you for $1,200 bucks.

We could take it right out of your check if you'd like. I looked at the suit and the shoes and the thing and that, and I could really use them. I go, nah, I don't want them. I can't afford it. And I came into the car, the casting director came out with a bag with the suit, the shoes, the shirt,

the cuffling. And then she goes, hey, you did a great job, Merry Christmas. And she gave me the fucking clothing. I think I still got the suit upstairs. I wear at the funerals and shit. It's a black fucking suit. So do you understand me?

You have to. If you ever are going, in any fucking position, I don't care if you're a fucking plumber, a doctor, a lawyer. You've got to speak up. The conditions ain't right. My favorite fucking story about directing is the one I went on when I got the mafia commercial. Look up Hardee's.

What's Hardee's his other company? It's Hardy. No, it Carl's Jr. No, it calls Jr. So Carl's Jr. And Hardee's are the same company. So when you do a commercial for Hardys, they pay you for two payments. Hardys and I had to do a fucking commercial for fucking this guy, this director.

that had like a fucking pigeon on his arm, like a thing. Did I just talk about this couple weeks ago? Yeah. He had like a tattoo and he rolled up his sleeve and he wore like a hat and he had a Chinese assistant which is the most racist thing I ever saw in my life.

And he would say a little racist thing style. Like from the time I got there, he was being a dick. And I could tell that like the people that were working for him were kind of weird. And it was me and this guy named Massey. We were the fucking actors. He was an Italian guy. I'll never

forget that fucking, the car wouldn't stop. For some reason, it was an escalade and it wouldn't stop. And he had been ragging people all fucking night. He had been ragging people. And finally, he kept calling me stupid.

How can you be so fucking stupid? You fucking, you know, the brakes. And I fucking, I wasn't on coke as shit. It was like 3.30 in the morning. We were at the Long Beach dock. And I called the time out.

And I walked up to him and I go, I day to fucking call me stupid one more time. What the fuck doesn't matter with you? And he's like, you are fucking stupid. You cannot stop the fucking car. Sorry about this. I got to check something out here. So you can't fucking stop the car.

Whatever the fuck it was. You were a fucking dumb fuck. He just kept saying it over to everybody. And I just called the time out. I went up to him and I go, you know what? Fuck you, man. You can't talk to us like this. And he goes, you're fucking fired.

And he ran into his little faggy fucking trailer. The little Chinese guy ran behind them. It was hilarious. Only in L.A. Could you see this type of shit? Only in L.A. And fucking, I had a, people like, you're fired. I'm like, what's you going to do it for in the morning?

What are you going to call the second choice? Could you imagine being the second choice for a commercial? and I'm calling you at 4 in the morning. Hi, how are you? Our first choice quit. Do you still want the job? Go fuck yourself. So I fucking knocked on this trailer, what a man does.

And I go, maybe I said some things I shouldn't have said, but you said a ton of things that you shouldn't have fucking said. Listen, we could fucking, you could fire me and you could go to Carl Jr. tomorrow and complain. What's that going to get us? We're all here. The commercials are. almost done, let's shoot the fucking commercial.

And sure enough, he fucking came out, I don't want to talk to you. Sure you don't, because you got embarrassed because I told you the truth, how to act like a fucking man. Sure you don't want to fucking come out of here. So he fucking came out, we shot, I went home, never heard nothing about it again.

You know, I mean, this is the fucking problem that people don't want to say shit in Hollywood. And then 20 years later, you want to be that girl. and say Josh Weldon had a toxic fucking whatever, like I said before, half of those fucking things are fucking toxic. I don't give a fuck when anybody tells you.

In one way or another, even in the simplest way, because there's always ego. That's it. When there's always an ego, you know, I was watching Miami Vice, whatever the fuck, the night,

and I was thinking about a story I heard, the staff on Miami Vice would work all day, would wait all day it would take them five or six hours just to get the show started because who would come out of their trailer first? Is it going to be Don Johnson or the black guy? So Don wanted the black guy to come out

so he can make a bigger appearance. That's how minute of the bullshit on the set happens that people like us really don't fucking have a clue while we're watching the fucking show. My point of this whole fucking podcast today is that, listen man, I know you're angry.

I'm angry. I'm angry. I lost 70% of my friends. I lost 70% of my income. I lost 50% of my friends, 60% of my friends. I don't know when my business is going to come back. My main business, the thing I lived for all my life. I mean, last week I was talking about fucking retiring and not doing it.

I couldn't imagine not doing comedy in my life. but what's going on now if another strain is coming you know I don't know what's coming you think I'm going to be able to fucking not do comedy for a year and then get back on a fucking horse and be the Joey Dias I was I don't want to give you

the Joey Dears I want to give you the Joey Dears Joey Dears treatment I want to go out there make you fucking puke or say this is disgusting I got to go home I want two reactions from you I either want you fucking laughing your ass off banging on tape

I want you to say this is the most disgusting stuff ever heard in my life. I got to go home and put some holy water in my fucking ears. That's the only thing I want to hear from you. That's it. That's how much I love and respect you guys. I don't want to go up there and do a mediocre set. I got two shows Fridays and Saturdays and Uncle Vinny's for my birthday. You know, I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth.

I have an idea. I've been doing a little bit of writing at night, but wait until I get there. wait till I put it on stage, wait till I explode, wait till I put my energy into it. You know, I got seven more shows to decide what I want to do. I think the best thing about me with comedy, the thing that I love the most that I give Joe, Rogan credit for is writing and putting a bit together

and putting it all together and how it all turns out at the end. I love that shit. I love the first seven minutes. just looking for the first seven minutes. You know, I don't know what's going to happen with the traveling or whatever, but I don't want to quit stand up as a whole. What I was saying is that I would have rather do it more as a hobby, fall in love with it, and then re-attack it.

But the other thing is, I don't want to go out on the road while this country is in the state of hate that we are right now. I love you guys. I love having a great time when I go on the road. I love going to your local restaurants. You know, the last two years I got to theaters. I would get to the theater.

You know, I don't want to sell no merch and nice. The theater wants to, I don't know if you guys know that. When you sell merch of the theater, they want 30% of your fucking merch. So, you know, and then I got to put glasses on

and look at the sizes. I just want to go out there and take a picture with you and hug you. The last fucking year, the theaters wouldn't let me do that. They're like, no, because we got a second fucking show. And you got to be out of here by a certain time. So if you go out there, you're going to disrupt everything.

That kind of takes away from it. Even now, when I do the shows on Uncle Vinny, I can't have contact when I hear you guys. I made a promise. I made a promise to like three or four people. You know, they asked me, one guy's a politician. They said, you got to do me a favor. I can't have you putting pictures up anymore with no mask.

I'd rather you not take pictures and not fucking encourage that You know the club owner has mentioned it to me Different club owners have mentioned it to me That we're not allowing meeting greets You know yeah it's COVID And I get it But a meeting greet after a comedy show

Is the completion of a fucking circle of our friendship And that's how we move on to the next one You know I want to thank my man Bob Lillingerus For sending me some albums this week He sent me sticky feet fingers, the original one with the fucking zipper. You could smell Mc Jaggers Cockman. You smell it.

And he sent me another album, but that's going to be on the album of the week. Out of order. I usually on Patreon, I do the album of the week. And the order was presented to me. This album is so cool. I'm doing it out of order. Now, how did I become friends with Bob Linguish and the people on the road? It all started with a tweet, a message.

I'm coming to your show. We connect at the show. We take a picture and a headshot. He introduced me to his father. And the rest is history. And you guys know I got a thousand of you guys all over the country. From Jay Bischarrow to my man in fucking Vegas. I got a thousand of you guys like that all over the country.

Now I wish I had 10,000 of you motherfuckers. I miss you more than ever now that we're not doing fucking comedy. So please bear with me. The other reason why I don't want to go on the road is would not that's not that much love. I'm waiting every morning I wake up to open up the computer to hear about somebody got thrown with a bottle at a comedy club or something like that,

something bad happened at a comedy club. I don't want to read that. And I don't want to read about one of my friends. We're not right normally. How can we be? We're living in a pandemic. Half of us are inside half the time. Half of us don't have money.

Half of us are not in contact with our friends. people half of our kids aren't in school you can't fully be happy me I've managed somewhere another to be as happy as I can despite losing money despite moving I found the different happiness I found happiness within myself if you see when I do these shows I don't look like I did fucking 22 fucking edibles the night before I don't look like I'm half fucking mummified I got brought back to life by this fucking move you know and I hurt. I hurt just like you guys, but I'm not looking to hurt other people. I'm not looking to hurt other people right now. I'm looking to lift people up. I'm not looking to hurt other people.

And I was a 16-year-old fucking loser asshole and I was hurt. Yes, I was looking to hurt other people in any way I could. If I could step on an ant, I would step on an ant just to make my day. And that's what's going on in today's world. And you have to lose that. There's no reason why you should be mad. Anything that is not in within your circle of life, you got to let it go. Because it's affecting your life. It's affecting your relationship. It's affecting what you're doing at home with your wife. You know, let me tell you something. Every day I pray that we have not gone into it over this pandemic me and my wife. Not at all. There have been a couple disagreements, but we've kept this house in a really loving fucking way.

I've had to work really hard on it. We've had our moments before we left California. My little daughter was starting to break. I was starting to break. I can't lie to you. My wife was starting to break. And what we would do every day is give ourselves a group hug. And that would solve it.

You know, we're a family. We're going to go through this together. The same way we're going to go through this together through this podcast. When I do this podcast, I stop smoking dope on this podcast. I stop doing a lot of things because I want you. you to feel where I'm coming from. The old church was the church. This is the joint. This has something different.

I want you to learn from a different perspective. And right now, I want you to get over whatever hurt you have. There's people that have lost 10 times more than what you've lost. They've lost lifelong businesses. They've lost mothers. They've lost fathers. They had to say goodbye to their family on fucking FaceTime. So much has happened since March.

you know, unless they fucking strike you or attack you. You know how many fucking ear-beatens? Since I moved back to North Bergen, I've lost three friends. Like you're here or here? North Bergen friends. I've lost three North Bergen friends

just because that's just the way life is. Am I angry about it? Am I upset? No. God knows what's going on in their head. When this all ends, I make a circle back, but right now, it's not good. Do I hate them? Not at all.

Not at all. Not at all. We go back through fucking fall. We go back to them when there was nothing. How can I fucking hate them? I love them even more. I think about them. I call their friends and are mutual friends of mine.

I check up on them on the side. They just went off the reservation. And that's accepted right now. now just listen if you feel that i'm not here pushing suicide hotline you know me i'm not here pushing a therapist to you i'm just here pushing friendship to you i'm on a fucking computer i can help you so much if you send me an email you're feeling bad i could say i can help you so much you need human contact i don't care if you got to join a gym for ten dollars you know planet fitness has a special for $10.

If it costs you $10 to go down there and talk to two fucking little chubby chicks and a fucking Indian guy behind a counter that gives you towels, so be it. But nothing beats this loneliness, nothing, nothing. This is horrible. So I know exactly where you coming from. When you throw hate at me now, you don't see me fucking lashing back at you because I could tell you about things that happened a few weeks ago that would make you die. that the cops had to be called,

the FBI got involved in it, they know who did it, now we're deciding what we're going to do with them. And I'm saying, no, don't arrest them. Let them think that they got away with it. We got your address, we know where you live. It's just a matter of time. You people forget that we have church people

all over the fucking country. And they're all people that made mistakes and they feel validated because I do what I do because I tell you the truth that. Just because you made a mistake, your life isn't over and it's still not over. Right now people are fucking walking around thinking,

Jesus Christ, look what happened to Bruce Springsteen. Jesus Christ, look what happened to Gina Carano. Jesus Christ, look what happened to this guy for saying something, for expressing their fucking views. But Gina Carano's fighting for herself. She don't give a fuck and people are fighting for her. If you believe in some and you said something that you fully have your heart behind it, go for it.

But you know what, man? Twitter, Facebook. all that stuff right now, they're looking to throw you off. They're looking to throw. I'm not mad at them. I'm not mad at them. There's got to be tons of hate

that goes through there every fucking day. If it makes your life happy and get to, I have a dear friend that got off Facebook. Couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't take the hate on Facebook. It was affecting him personally. I know this guy 40 fucking years. Get off.

But if you're in a state of hate right now, the only advice I have for you is two things. Think about what you have. Think about what you have accomplished. And think about what things you're going to accomplish once this pandemic is over. That's it. Don't focus on anything else. Don't focus on the boss firing here.

He gave my friend two more dollars because of me. They have this and I don't have that. You know, we're getting mad at people who got unemployment and didn't get mad at people. It's just too much anger and hate going around. do not let it consume you find the beauty in this pandemic there's beauty i found it and i'm the fucking i'm the guy that looks for something bad every fucking day and i found the beauty in this fucking pandemic i don't give a fuck what you need to do to find the beauty whether it's good i eat a fucking tranny's asshole i don't give a fuck what you need to do so that's it and that's that if you're

angry or you feel like you're being cheated, it's not just you, man. The world is doing this to everybody. The world isn't fucking picking on you. Life has peaks and valleys, brother. And when I say peaks and valleys, this is when you're making money, blah, blah, blah. When I say valley, it doesn't mean that you're going through a fucking, a Gina Carano time. I'm saying that you know, we emotionally, when I moved to Jersey, August 19th, emotionally,

I was in a fucking, I was deep in that fucking valley of depth. I could feel it. You know, it doesn't mean that everything's going against you. The world has nothing to do with it, man. Us, ourselves, we go up and down. When you look at baseball players, they go up and down. Brady went to 10 Super Bowls, did he not? But he won seven.

we go up and down there's peace and valleys the world doesn't have any hate for you God doesn't hate you it's just the state of the world right now that's it that's it and that's that so it was Valentine's Day last night

if she didn't lick your balls with the chocolate syrup today's your second chance cocksuckers thank you very much for watching Uncle Joey's joint thank you for enjoying it thank you for always sending me love

thank you for the Patreon I'll see you guys Wednesday the 17th of February it's not going to be a good day for me but I'm going to make it a good day for you I love you motherfuckers and now for a word from our sponsors all right

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I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. I need new candles.