The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #040 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: February 17, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Wednesday, February 17th..... Today, we talked about Mourning..... This episode is brought to you by Relief Band and ONNIT...... Go to https://www.ReliefBand.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.ONNIT.com and enter Code: CHURCH or JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, February 17th. The joint is brought to you by relief band. Do you know that a third of Americans regularly suffer from nausea? I don't usually have nausea, but when I had the surgery, you got to take the oxies, that synthetic heroin, and you got to puke. I started, you know, it's the truth. It's synthetic heroin, so you get sick. I don't usually get nausea, but, I get it after the surgery. Before I got the surgery, I got a box in the mail. I thought it was like one of my friends, Bob, sent me like a box for the surgery. It was relief banned. The premier clinically proven, I mean, this is tremendous. This is why I'm excited about our new partner relief band.

Because relief ban is the number one. FDA cleared anti-nausia risk ban that has been clinically proven to relieve and prevent nausea and vomiting. How do I know? because the one day I didn't wear it, took PT on the way back, I puked in the car. I got car sick. That's how I know this works. And I've kept it on every day since my surgery. This kind of thing is only available to hospital patients, but now it's available to everybody. That means you. This is how it works. Relief band stimulates a nerve in the wrist that travels to the part of the brain that controls nausea. Then it blocks the signal your brain is sending to your stomach by telling you that you're sick. Science! Relief ban is the only over-the-counterly wearable ban that has been used in hospitals

and oncology clinics to treat nausea and vomiting. Like I told you in the beginning, man, I saw a recuperation, so I put it on. I didn't really suffer from nausea, but when you start taking those pills, all those, I mean, 13 prescriptions, you're going to get something, you know what I'm saying? Thank God for real. relief ban. So do yourself a favor. Ensure nausea is never the reason you miss out. I don't want a life's importance moments.

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Onet.com slash shirts. Let's get this party started, all right? It's Wednesday the 17th. The candles are lit, bitches. Look who it is. What's happened? What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here.

Uncle Joey's joint. Wednesdays, February 17th. How you motherfucker's doing? I hope everybody's doing all right out there. Before we get started, my friend didn't make it today. The fucking snot. I had it hanging out of my nose. When I finished the podcast, I went in the bathroom,

and I saw a snot. I saw something hanging out of my nose. I fucking pulled that motherfucker out. It was all the way to hear, and it just went, pang. It was this long. I ate that motherfucker. I chewed on that motherfucker like a piece of gum for 30 minutes. Mike didn't even know.

He's like, why is it? He's sharing that joint with me. That's why. Because I was chewing on that fucking booger. I love a good booger like that is tremendous. But that's the reason why you need to weed whack your nose. A shout out the manscape. If you fucking weed out your nose, snots won't get cut there.

My buddy called me at like 9.30 in the morning. He's like, dog, you got a snot your nose in the podcast. I'm like, what are you fucking talking about? I look at the podcast. I'm like, look at the size of that thing. I go, does it look like a Coke rock to you? That was my biggest fear. I go, it's a snot.

The camera and the microphone, I couldn't see it. It was a snot. It's not a fucking Coke rock because of not, I have the fucking DEA my daughter with everybody. He's doing coke again. No, I'm not doing no coke.

I just had a tremendous, it was tremendous, Mike. It had like, it looked like a, like, it looked like an alien. It had like a little green head to it. And then like a slimy little body to it. It took me a minute to get that motherfucking position.

You know, when you gotta get that snot in position and just fucking, like, pull it out. And I was gonna throw it away. But when I looked at it, it was beautiful. It was nice and gooey. It had some white elements to it, like vitamin D that'll cure fucking. Vitamin D is the fucking cure off of COVID. I took that snot. I rubbed the little on my forehead just in case, and I fucking popped it in my mouth like a mint.

I chewed on that piece of snot for 30 minutes. Call me a pig. I don't give a fuck. put on your relief band, you know what I'm saying? If you're getting nauseated. Fuck you, motherfuckers. It's a snot. What do you want for me?

If it was a Coke rock, then we got a fucking problem. Then, then we got to go, you know, you got to talk to Joey, pull them aside. But thank God, 13 years, no cocaine. You can't get me to do a fucking line of coke. I'm petrified. Anyway, this, I can't, I can't. I'm petrified with these fucking pills. I'm petrified with everything.

You know why they don't prescribe a lot of pills to you anymore, like 90s? Because people OD. So when they prescribe me myoxies, they prescribe them 21. And they want you to take one every eight hours. But they're not considering PT. And when you go to PT and they fucking straighten you. Oh, so you need one after PT. So that's four a day.

So you always come up short. So you have to beg them, like call them and beg them. like call them and beg them. And so what I started doing was not taking the daytime one. And save it for later. Just save it for later because if not, I could live off the, it's the nighttime shin pain that was really killing me.

I could live off, you know, I had pain before the surgery. Why do you think I had fucking surgery? So you leaves and shit, but this pain, you need heavy duty. But that's why, and if you take them at night, you can't fucking sleep. Yeah, fucks with my sleep

I can't fucking sleep So it's this whole pain drug thing Is a fucking nightmare Here's the funny thing They talk about this opioid fucking Everybody's on opioids I gotta tell you something I know a lot of people

On Sunday All I needed was one pill One pill I just needed a pill To take me through Sunday after the Yeah take the edge off and I didn't have it. I did everything.

Ice pads. I had my wife freeze cups and fucking rub my legs with the thing. I finally took that bottle of Smoky Mountain. Remember that edible? We showed the friendly farm. I took half the bottle. And I put in the tea.

And I fucking drank it. And that was it. Night Night, Irene, dog. Night, Night Irene. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. And Rietha helps with the pain. CBD line is tremendous with the pain, but there's a point of this leg.

Not anymore. I think I've gone over the hump. Yeah, I got over the hump. But today I want to talk about something that nobody ever talks about. I definitely did it the wrong way. I definitely did it the wrong way. And this idea sparked in my head about a week and a half ago. And today's my dear, dear friend, Ralphie Mae.

his birthday, he would have been, I don't know how old it would have been. It doesn't make a difference. He's dead four years today. So I don't know how long this podcast is going to last just because I've had problems with this for the last couple days. I'm going to get it together and talk to you about this. And I'm fine now. Anyway, what happened was this.

You know, we've lost. I have. I don't know how many numbers to COVID. I can't even start to count or the calculations. I don't know if it's real or not. I know one thing is real. Death is real. Whether you died of a bullet wound or you die to COVID,

they put COVID on your thing. It doesn't really matter. This is not what this podcast is about today. This podcast is about learning how to do. deal with a loss, with morning. I think right now, I think, listen, I, I, I can bring you over my house and show you my emails, my, my Facebook and my Patreon. And I will, I will make this bet.

I will make this bet with you guys that I will bet $50, that every day, the last six months, except for maybe three days, I have gotten a fucking. an email from somebody telling me that either they lost a grandmother, a father, a mother to cancer, or not cancer, I'm so sorry, COVID, you know, every fucking day since, let's just play it since April. I could guarantee you, I could bet you, I'll bet $10 of you is $50 that if you go through my Patreon, you're going to find a debt every day except maybe three or four days. if you don't think this takes a toll on a guy like me, you're wrong. I know where you're coming from.

When you send me that email, I know exactly where the fuck you're coming from. Because I was that person. I hope you guys never forget that. And I was 16 of these, what's this show? Alone and Naked in an island? Yeah, fuck that. I was alone in 16 when I found that woman on the fucking floor, okay?

And just that alone is enough to traumatize anybody. Anybody. It's the reason why I stopped doing blow because I didn't want this great woman that I have as a wife to find my fat fucking ass, 400-pound ass on the floor. She would have never recovered from it. How do I know? Because I know what it takes to recover from that.

Half of you's found your parents. Half of you's got a chance to say goodbye. My dear, dear friend, I talk him off a fucking rope once a month because his mom died in Florida and they had to say goodbye on FaceTime. I know I make a lot of jokes and stuff, but that's my way of dealing with fucking mourning. You don't deal with mourning by fucking going to somebody's house crying.

You deal with mourning by walking into somebody's house with a face of a man and you're controlled. Because if you're controlled, then that'll control them. Eventually you'll break down like I did here, but it's morning. It takes time. And if you don't do it right, you will end up like I did in a 27-year addiction or a bad relationship because you didn't deal with the death. How do I know this? Let's go to what started this whole thing.

About a week ago, maybe 10 days ago, I was on the phone with my dear friend, Steve Villo. He's been on the podcast before. And we were talking. And he was, you know, I hope he doesn't get mad at me for repeating this online. He said that he was stressed when his wife was pregnant because what if he died and left his wife and kid the way his dad had passed? And he said that he never dealt with it. And I had to stop him right there. I go, Avils, your dad died a month, a year before my mom.

your dad died in 78 my mom died in 79 I go what did you expect us to do we did what we knew how to do was going back to being a kid do you understand me we went back to being a kid like I buried my wife my wife got forbid I buried my my mom and went to the playground like I went to like a little thing we ate co-cuts or whatever And right from there, you know, you resume life. You know, when you're 30 and when you're 40 and somebody dies, you feel more of an impact. But when you're young, you go back to your activities.

You're going to suck Susie's titties at the prom Thursday night. You know, I'm going back to sucking on Susie's titty's Thursday night, you know. And what do we do? So we sweep that thing under the carpet. And what happens is you deal with people all day long, right? You deal with people all day long. And when does that thought creep up on you at night? At night when you're alone.

And it's just you and your thoughts. Oh, my God. That's when you remind, I swear to God, for me, that's how it was. I dove myself into my friends so much that, you know, 8 in the morning, won a bus, going to school, high school, or had a job, Rendell Lumber. After Rendell Lumber, I was home very lightly, a shower, eat, gone again, because I didn't want my mind to settle,

because if I settled, I would think of my mom's death, and I'd make me want to kill myself. I didn't know how to deal with it. You want me to tell you when it came back to bite me in the ass, and now you'll understand my story a little better. It came back to bite me in the ass five years later in 1984. Remember when I told you I ended up homeless? Why do you think I ended up homeless?

Well, that year is where that emotion came out. You know, all through those years, I was Johnny Rocco, I was with my buddy, Stinky, Fernie, Pelly, we're out every night. We're doing this, we're doing that, you're getting your dick sucked. I'm on Colorado with Jimmy Burkle. I'm having a great time. finally something was wrong with me in 84 it was like I didn't know what it was and you know the pain was dying to come out the pain it was in there but I kept tucking it in tucking it in tucking it in tucking it in the pain was there but something wasn't right I went to visit my uncle he brought up some memories and guys after that I fucking spun out of control any drugs every pill you know whatever I needed to take to kill that pain it was and I didn't know what it was I was 20 fucking years old I didn't know what pain I had no

idea that pain once you set that pain loose inside your body what do you think fucking happens you don't care so I didn't care and if then when the fuck when I finally realized that finally I mean I told you stories about my mother, I saw them put her in a ground and I would still go to my house at night just to see if it was a mistake. I would still go to my house at night to see if her light was on. That's how fucked up I was. That's, and right now all these, I'm not saying all these that listen to the podcast, but most of these, no people or maybe have a relative that has passed. And you're going to this exact thing right Now you're throwing everything at it so you don't realize what's going on that you're in pain.

Eventually, you're going to have to pay the piper. You could either pay me now or pay me later. Well, my payment started in 1984 and it didn't end until 2007. And I threw more pain on top of it. I threw the pain of my divorce. I threw the pain of not seeing my kid. You know, any time pain stuck, it would lift all those feelings up. lift all those emotions up and what what happens when you lift all those emotions up what's the only

thing that they take care of that forget that it was boy you know that's what happens that's what happens you got to keep that pain though so i did it completely the wrong way and even today today between ralphi and brodie i won't accept it i i just won't accept it I have not taken Brody's number out of here, okay? Not because I'm a scumbag. Just, I just have it. I can't. You know, people kept thinking, oh, look, Ralphie, right there.

Ralphie, right there. You know, I just, it's not, it's not, I'm not ready yet. And today hadn't been his birthday. I'm happy that this fellow. What's it say there? Brody. I'm not lying to you, motherfuckers. I'm the biggest pussy when it comes to morning

because I don't want to deal with it because it brings up Anthony Balzano. It brings up De Nora Valdez. It brings up Dominique Spatial. It brings up anybody else who's died. You understand me? So that's why I don't like dealing with it. But now he's been dead for four years.

It's time for me to sit down and write about Ralphie. and what he meant to me and what he wanted from me. And I knew that if, I know for a fact, if that couch was a fucking hospital bed. And I walked in there, I, I know what Ralphie would say to me and what he'd want me to do with the rest of my life.

And I did that. I did that. I did that. I used to go train on Thursdays. I used to train on Mondays and Thursdays before I left L.A. And every Thursday was in Burbank. Monday was in she took me Monday to Studio City

and Thursday was in Burbank you don't know how many times I sat Ralphie down I go Ralphie let's do it this way let's go on the road Thursday and do four shows and come back Sunday open for you you don't have to pay me anything I don't give a fuck I just want to help you get in shape

let's work out before you get on a fucking plane and then you know so every Thursday I would work out at 12 I swear to God, every time I would make the fuck, I do this as the blinker. You know, I'm retired. I use my blinkers. When I do this to pop the blink and I'd make it right, I would always look and go,

Ralphie, this is what you should have been doing on a Thursday morning. It was going to a workout. We go home now, we eat, and we head to the airport, and we catch a 5 o'clock playing out to whatever fucking city we're going to, we have a late night dinner.

And Friday morning, and we go do the two shows at a fucking theater. And we're home Sunday. We could eat dinner with our families. And Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, we could work out and be healthy. So I know what I proposed to him. And I know if he was in the hospital bed dying, what he would tell me. And I wrote it out and I fucking lived that life.

You know, you guys have seen that I've lost weight throughout the last couple of years, especially after Ralphie's death because I put his name on my lifestyle. It's not a diet. It's a lifestyle. Everything changes. You know what I'm saying? So I wanted to talk to you people about mourning and what is it me? It's like when I came here and I wasn't prepared.

If you look at the podcast in October and some in November, Joy wasn't with you. It was some other person. It was because I was mourning. I was mourning the death of my life in L.A., the house, my friends, you know, Dean Del Rey, Steve Simone, Lee. Rogan, Red Band, I was missing them. The comedy store, I had to come to terms with all those things. So think about all the things I had to mourn the last fucking nine fucking months, eight months.

I've been here six months on Friday. So all these things, but this time I did it right because I wrote about it. When my mother died, I did with guts. I just, you know, this was my fucking, you know, that's what I did to take care of the morning. when somebody dies and you leave that sentiment like when my sister-in-law died and i drove to delaware and i went to the wake i love my sister-in-law and you want me to tell you something my sister-in-law loved me she fucking backed my comedy career she financed she was another one of those people that i was in a bind and i contacted her and she sent me money without even blinking and i you know it was between this

or not doing the gig, you're doing that fucking gig. Go do your gig. Here's $20 for gas, whatever you need, a suit. Listen, you know, what I did when I went, I was supposed to do a guest set that night for Tim Dillon. And I drove up to North Brunswick, and as I was pulling up, my sister called, and she goes, have you spoken to Mike?

And I go, yeah, this afternoon, family reunion. and she goes no everything changed his wife died and i remember i just i said i got to call you back i tried calling mike you didn't answer i drove back it's just like a 20-minute ride and i drove back and i told my wife that my sister-in-law died and i didn't cry i wasn't like you know i'm not one of those people it takes time with me it takes time with me and uh you know i played with the baby whatever and then we went to bed and then that night i went to mind i went to my my notebook and I wrote about Sherry, her name was Sherry. And I wrote about Sherry, how I had met her,

how he came to fall in love. You know, she was my sister-in-law, but I loved her as much as my brother. She had my back. When she had her third daughter, Alexa, I spent the last four months of her pregnancy with her. Every night I was her personal butler. I was broke.

I was a mooch. and I was living off her and every night I would step Mike my brother would go out to shoot darts and shit he's a nut and he goes stay home with my wife and me and her I would smoke pot and blow the smoke in her face

because she didn't she couldn't smoke pot so she just wanted me to blow the smoke at her and she fucking would give me money to go get Chinese food and we watch Goodfellas every fucking night every fucking night

and if I did comedy I'd come home early and we do the same shit over and over again. Chinese food good fellas and she'd make me blow pot smoke at her. But she always pushed from my comedy and she told me something once about one of my jokes and I stopped doing a joke. But my sister-in-law, when my sister-in-law died, I just came downstairs and I wrote about it. And I wrote about our relationship, how we became friends, what she had done for me, what she had what I had done for her and what she would have told me in that casket as creepy as this sounds

when a person is in the casket and you're looking at them in a wake you're thinking about your times with them like with her they have like a screen like a LED screen and they have like pictures of the family and they showed a picture of us the Borgata by a slot machine and my fucking heart stopped And, you know, it was me and her. I had a relationship with my brother, and I had my relationship with my sister-in-law, and I loved it at death. So I came up with the conclusion the same way. I'm on my mother, how I came up with my mother, how I came up with Dominic and Anthony.

And I do this with everybody. Maryland, you know, when Marilyn Martinez died in 2007, I stopped snort and Coke maybe a week after that. you know and in September Maryland died November like 3rd or November 1st or something Rick Ramos's birthday but in September she had something in her house they were like a little party to get together you could tell she had a couple days left she wasn't going to live and then we were having a conversation and she was telling me that if she ever lived she wouldn't do dirty comedy anymore and in the conversation she said she looked at me And she goes, and Joey, you have to stop doing cocaine.

And I took it like as a message from God. Like, you know me, dog, I look for messages. I was like, why would me and Maryland be having a conversation about comedy? And all of a sudden, she just comes out and says, I have to stop doing cocaine. Well, I tell you guys, a week later, I stopped doing cocaine. And here we are 13 fucking years later. So what I decided to do was every time somebody dies, that's close to me.

I think of what they wanted for me. Okay? What did they want for that person? You know, I want the best for Mike. I want Mike to grow up and be a man. He is a man. He's got two kids. He's supporting him.

He's keeping a roof over his house. He's not a convicted felon. He's a gentleman. He brought my wife and daughter Valentine's Day presents. I mean, the kids are great. great kid. He's living the life that I would want him to live. He doesn't snort glue. He's on time. You know, you think of that person, you go, what would that person would have wanted me to, what what extraordinary thing would that person want from me? You know, I stopped snorting coke. The pain must

have gone away. You know, my daughter, the pain must have gone away. You know, whatever. All these things, the pain just doesn't go away. you have to cut a deal with that pain and stick by that fucking deal. In my mother's case, I had a girlfriend. I was living with her for four or five years. I wasn't giving her 100% of Joe Diaz. I was giving her 50% of Joe Diaz because Joe Diaz's soul belonged to comedy. And I said, that's it, this has to stop.

I have to give this girl 100% of Joey Diaz, or we're not going to have a relationship. I also have to live the life that my mother wanted me to be. All my mother wanted out of me, she didn't want me to be a lawyer. I mean, listen, my mother wanted me to go to the Army, to go to college, and then go fight no war. She wanted me to actually shoot people for this country. That's how much she loved America.

but the most, the things she said to me 10 days before she died one night is, I just want you to grow up and be a man. And what does a man mean? That you go out fucking everything or you get your dick sucked every night? No, that you adhere to your responsibilities as a man. Before the podcast started, Mikey was here. I got a call from my agent who I love dearly. And I told them about something.

I'm making a move. You know, I have to make another move. in a different direction. And he was really cool with it. And I told Mike, this is how we do it. We have to deal with people like this. Because if you don't, then you got nothing. You have to be straight with people.

That's what a man does. You have to pay your debts. That's what a man does. You have to fucking open up a door. You have to do what a man does. So for me to make my mom's death easier. And dog, I did not figure this. out at 20. That's why I had a rough 20. Why to have a rough 30? Because I didn't figure this out.

I didn't figure this out until I was 43 years old. And then I quit Coke at 44. I wanted to grow up to be the man my mother wanted me to be. I stopped doing coke and I became the man my mother wanted me to be. I own a home. I have a daughter. I have a wife. I have a great relationship. My wife,

you know my wife calls me Spider, right, from Goodfellas? You know that, right? My wife thinks I'm an idiot. So she calls me Spider, Spider, right? So people don't know. That's my other nickname is Spider from Goodfellas.

Yeah, please, we have a great relationship. I am very lucky. I treat her like a man. You know, she's going away this weekend. Uh, with my daughter, they're going skiing and shit. I can't obviously. What am I going to ski one leg? You know, she was upset.

Like, she came to me and she's like, I don't, I don't want to go. Because it's your birthday. We're going to have a great weekend. I'm like, fuck you. I'm 58 years old. I've had my share of fucking birthdays. My birthday's Friday. We'll get a carved out cake.

We'll go to Uncle Vinnie's. Not then. I'll come back. I'll hang out with you guys. then you guys could leave Saturday morning. She goes, yeah, well, that's when we were going to leave anyway. I go, so what's the big deal? Why do you feel guilty about leaving Saturday?

And she goes, well, I wanted to be a whole weekend. I was going to make your pineapple upside down cake. I'm like, do I need a pineapple upside down cake? We're just going to make a Carvel cake on Friday. We have a tradition at the house. We eat a Carvel cake. Why would I want to buy? You know, so I said, go.

And she was like, are you serious? And I'm like, go, that's what a man does. It's not about me. It's about that little girl. Why'd we move here? You think we moved here for me to be on Broadway tap dancing with Fred Astaire? No. We moved here so my little girl could be a normal little fucking girl.

So Friday, Saturday, her, I think four moms and one dad. Only one dad is going. One dad is going with like fucking 12 kids. And they're renting some fucking thing. Yeah, no, they got, I think my wife got a, my wife got a sweet for her and one of the other moms. But yeah, that's what a man does. I'm living in a family. I have a family now.

I have a life, you know, okay, yeah, I don't do comedy every night no more, but now I'm enjoying this part of it. So when somebody passes, your easiest path to morning, I fucking hate myself for this, is right out. This is everything. I know it's getting old, but this is everything. And it's just three or four sentences. And I swear to God, the pain goes away. When I first did it, the pain went right away. Just acknowledging that I did it.

I remember going into that living room. We lived in a one-bedroom room, you know, and I remember sitting on the couch going, I just lost, oh, wait, and then you write letters to them. Then I wrote a letter to my mother. So it's like a three process. It's like a two, three process thing. You say a prayer, you write out the person, whatever, your aunt.

You ever have one of those aunts that you go to the house, they always give you three bucks. And they always say, oh, I can't wait to see you in a play or whatever. You don't want to do a play. You know what? Go to a local theater group and do one play just in the name of your aunt. One play. And once a play is over, don't do it again.

I'm just using a play. as an example. I forgot today's Ash Wednesday. Anyway, fuck! I got to go get my ashes later on.

In fact, we'll do it here. I'll do my own Ash Wednesday. I got to find out what I'm going to give up for Lent this year. I always give up something. I got to go up for something for Lent.

But no, that's everybody's morning right now, man. And my heart goes out to you and your families. And you can make this hard. Or you can make this real easy. Alcohol does help. I'm not going to lie to you.

You know? But it's just a fucking band-aid. And it'll haunt you for fucking ever to haunt you. You know, the way the Brody and whatever harm me. I didn't go to Brody's send off. I don't do those things because I don't do well in those. I want to deal with it internally because that's the only way to deal with it. But you saw it.

You saw I still have them. I'm a loser. But I've already written out. Like I wrote out what Brody wanted out of me. You know, I know what Brody would tell me out of his fucking deathbed. That doesn't take, be positive, you know, the whole fucking thing, you know. I'm sorry, but guys, this is the only way I can deal with this shit. You know, so for him, I try to keep it more positive.

You know for Brody every day when I wake up I have a little picture of my look at him I go I got to be positive think strong you know yes I know he'd want me to be a great comic I know that he would smack me in the face if I told him I was retiring Yeah, he would hit me in the face get the fuck out of here you know With Ralphie I knew it what he was going to tell me because Ralphie loved when I killed. Ralphie loved it. Ralphie and Joe Rogan loved when I go up there and would not just go off, but go off.

Like they didn't, Ralphie and Joe Rogan didn't want me to have a good set. They wanted me to go off. They want to see people walk. They want to see people fainting and they want to see women crying. That's what they want out of you. If that's what they wanted, that's what I went for. where Ralphie, Ralphie would tell me,

player, when you go up there and do that shit, that shit, if you want it, you got it, you know. I mean, it's,

you got to remember, guys, that Ralphie and I were a unique, you know, people always fucking, when you're on Rogan, it's always so good. When Ralphie's on your show,

listen, friendship, you know, there's no reason why two bears in a cave is so good. good. They're great friends. They've known each other for years. They live and they breathe for one another.

When you have two people who breathe for one another doing a podcast and they're both funny, you got yourself a fucking problem. When I would do a podcast with Ralphie, we would fucking die laughing before, during, and after the fucking podcast. You know, whether it was the one with Perk Chrysha when he fell to his dollhouse and shit. or it was you know just look at the yellow you look at the yellow

and all that shit I mean we laughed our ass off you know the stronger the bond the better your podcast you're going to get who are the best two podcasts I did podcasts with

Ralphie and Joe Rogan the best I listened to the one Ralphie won the other night when he went off on Russians in the beginning like why are you going off on Russians and he told me later on

that night because the guy that sold him a tire was Russian and he beat him and you know Ralphie always had his fucking things but I talked to the Smash brothers Corey and Chad I reached out to them last night

and told them you know tomorrow's the day and I had to verify what year he died I don't even know when he died 2017 so it's time for me to start doing some paperwork It's time for me to eventually erase this fucking number.

You know, one of my biggest guilts from L.A. was that I was leaving Ralfi's spirit there. I mean, he's buried in Arkansas. We got him the fucking tombstone. I'm all good. But some part of me still feels guilty that I didn't bring his spirit back on him. I don't even know if that's right.

But, Mike, you're probably, Probably right. He probably is right there, right there. I had some weed missing. That fat fuck probably stole it. You know, when you have, I think one of the best things about comedy isn't the traveling, isn't the money.

Performing is one of the top things for me, but the top thing is the friendships that you make through comedy. Like, it's different than a regular friendship. And for him and I, it was, I can't tell you how much he helped me. I mean, I can't tell you how

I like Mike. I love Mike. I know Mike lives in Jersey somewhere. I don't give a fuck where he lives. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I don't give a fuck where he lives. I know he's in Jersey. I know he's a Jersey guy. And I love me the way. Ralphie loved me so much.

He's like, player, I'm coming to that North Bergen. I'm like, sure you are. He's like, I'm coming to North Bergen. I'm going to wait to you there. I'm going to come and get you. Probably 19. I met Ralphie, maybe 97. And by 99, Ralphie came to North Bergen.

I was in North Bergen and Ralphie came to Jersey. This was way before Ralphie blew up. Okay, Ralphie, nobody knew who Ralphie. was just the people in Houston, Texas. It was me and Ralphie living in that building with that fucking crew of people. God bless their soul, Gavin, Celine, rest in peace, Jody, Stacey. I mean, we had a great fucking building. My man, Ricky Cruz, kicking ass down in Miami.

We had a great fucking crew. We were a family. And me and Ralphie sat there and we wrote so many fucking jokes together. there's a special Ralphies with a yellow leather jacket. Watch that, listen to that special. And tell me that that's not him and me writing together. There's a couple of his specials. It was just me and him ginning,

and I never made him fucking write it on there that I wrote. I don't give a fuck. He's my brother. The guy fed me when I fucking needed food. You know, he gave me money. When he became a superstar, he fucking supported me that guy. When everybody else was giving me chocolates, he was giving me stacks of things.

$100 bills. You know, when I got surgery with my one shoulder, I couldn't work one month. He came right over and gave me cash. This wasn't about that stuff. I would never, I've never even repeated this about the specials. It was just me and him, like, just talking and writing shit. And he would say, let me, let me take that, take it. I don't give a fuck.

What am I a fucking? What do I give up? Seinfeld? I don't give a fuck. Take it. I don't give a fuck. But one of the best stories I remember about me and Ralphie, if there's one story that I love about me and Ralphie

was I'll tell you this I'll make it quick they used to be a club called Spellbinders in Houston, Texas in the late 90s, mid-90s, whenever Ralphie got into comedy you had the comedy that the one family owned outside there was three comedy clubs

there was the last stop the lab spot there was spellbinders and then there was Danny Martinez's room there was four rooms Ralphie cut his teeth

on Danny Martinez's room everybody else called him fat and shit Danny was his mentor you know Danny was also very good to me I think Danny's gone now rest and peace but Ralphie would go to spellbinders

time to time. This is a true story. I guess he went to the owner of the Danny one day and he's like, hey, I'm going to go to spellbinders and Danny's feelings got hurt. You know, club owners usually do. They get hurt. They're like, you know, you fucking, but you can't get hurt. It's just a business.

Ralph, he went over the spellbinders, 20 minutes into his set. He fell to the stage. You can't fucking write this. Okay. fucking write this at all so I never knew about it you know after we became friends like after like maybe three months somebody said to him in front of me and he turned fucking pail he was embarrassed because he knew I wouldn't let it go okay he knew I wasn't gonna let it go so you know the lady who

Book the place. Her name was either Lynn Carnes or Kim Carnes. Who's the singer? Kim, Kim Carnes or something like that? Lin Ken. Anyway, it doesn't really. I think her name was Lynn Carn. I think, don't fact check me on this.

This is 30 years of Reefer, you know, 40. More like fucking 45 years of him. So he went through the stage and then he sued him, which made it worse. so he wasn't allowed to play the club so I didn't know I go to Houston you know with Rogan and I go let me call

Spell buying this and see if I can do like a guest spot maybe I could work in there you know the last stop was a great club I was working there as a feature but if I could come down here and put a couple feature weeks together I could stay in Houston you know you got Beaumont you got New Orleans you got

all that shit down there, you know? So I called the lady from Spellbinders and I'm like, and my name is Joey Diaz. I like to do a guest spot, and she's like, you can't this weekend, but next time you're in town, you're more than welcome to stop by. And that process is when I found out about Ralphie Mae. So I, I, you know, somebody said something to him.

I was doing something. He didn't think I heard it, but I heard it. So again, I didn't tell him. It was like when Lee got the handjob in Vegas from the Chinese fucking handjob place, and Larry told me right away, I didn't tell Lee right away. I gave Lee like six weeks the same thing I did to Ralphie. I didn't tell Ralphie I knew that he fell through the stage right away. I gave him like six weeks, you know.

And one day we're talking about comedy clothes. And I'm like, tell me about Spellboundness. And he just looked at me like, what do you know? And I'm like, did you really fall down this stage? Just spell bindings. He's like, Jesus fucking Christ, people start rumors. There was a little hole and it kept, it wasn't just me. It was a hole that kept cracking and then Ralphie, you went through the fucking stage.

So he's like, yeah, it was a long time ago and blah, blah, blah. But then he sued her. That's how he bought the forerunner and all that shit. you know, Kim Karns or Lynn Karns didn't want to hear a word of Ralphie Mae, like nothing. So that's it. You know what? I don't need to work spellbine this. You know, I was going to, now I was going to work the lap, stop a lot more.

He gave me a week with Bobby Slayton. So I would call her every day. I would get somebody to call her every day and go, hi, my name is Mike. I'd like to do a guest set Ralphie Mae referred me and you would hear the crack in her I would call her in front of Ralphie I would be with Ralphie

and he'd go what are you doing I'm calling Spellbine to see if they give me a weekend he'd go put that fucking phone now they go no no watch hi Lynn my name is Pete Patelo Ralphie Mae referred me can you and she'd just hang up on me because so many people were doing it to her

like referring them from Ralphie May that she knew It was a fucking prank of some type And that was the end of that So Yeah, she had to change the... No, they closed down. In fact, they sold, they closed down

And then the improv Moved into Spellbinders. Now they moved out Across the street Into a bigger location. But it's been four years, brother And I fucking miss you. I miss you.

I miss you a lot And I learned a lot from you. There's no two people that I learned more about this business than you and Joe Roe. and you both had two different styles, but you did it your way, like fucking Sinatra, and that's why I love you.

Ralphie taught me things that he knew things about comedy. I never even thought of knowing. Ralphie was a real comic. He knew little things that would make your fucking head blew up, and he taught him all to me. He showed me his bag of tricks, and I got a bag of trick. That's what it is.

It's just trickery. It's just like fucking being a magician. Ralphie had tricks, and he was that way ahead of the fucking game. He would tell me about those tricks, and that's why I'm the comic I am today. There's a Ralphie man, Joe Rogan, man. But the Ralphie, you know,

I got upset in the beginning of the podcast and whatnot. I've mourned them as much as I can in the way that I've written about them, Like I didn't make the mistake I made with my mother and other people who passed. Like with Brody and Ralphie, I've done it right. I've written about them. I've gotten it out of my system. I'm still not at the point to get them out of my phone.

That takes time. That's maybe one more year. Give me one more year. Maybe next year I'll take it out of my iPhone. But morning is rough, guys. It's not something that happens overnight. You know, I once described it If you watch the documentary

When you lose a loved one Or you lose your mother For me, this is the simplest way I can put it It's like eating food with no salt on it The rest of your life I still got a life I'm very happy I have a daughter, I have a wife

I have great friends I have a dear community But my mother's not in my world And that's fucking rough That's rough. She never got to see all this. I'm not crying. I'm not complaining. But it's rough. And I know a lot of years have gone through this.

Without a mother, an aunt, an uncle, a grandfather, grabbed a notebook. Two things. What would they say to me on their deathbed? What would they want from me? What great quality would they want me to put out there of mine? Think about it. You know with Ralphie he always told me you're the best storyteller player

You got he goes he would tell me not even to go on stage and tell jokes he goes you wasting your time Just go up there and tell stories Just go up to and tell stories and I wouldn't listen to him Ari fucking put that thing together I listened to him watch those things that's because of Ralphie Ralphie and Ari that that that's that's what it basically is So all this shit that you see online all this shit that you see online all this shit that you read among that had nothing to do with me my friends were solid my comedy community was solid rogan

josh wolf ralphi may you know we were solid over there stanhope there was a time when that was the neighborhood vista these are streets i'm calling that go in a row was josh wolf was Ralphie Mae. Sierra Bonita was Nick DePaolo and Mitch Hedberg and Curzon was Doug Stanhope. Those were four LA blocks next to each other. What education is better than that to have those four as fucking neighbors?

How lucky was I? And I did something that a lot of people don't do. I took advantage. I took advantage of that. I asked questions. I never stopped asking questions, even though what's with the questions. You know what I mean?

Comedy stuff, you know, like just talking, rapping. That was all we did was talk comedy. There wasn't sports, it wasn't girls, it wasn't about blow jobs. All we did was the art of comedy. That was what those guys, I'll never forget one day, Doug Stanhope called me up. And he's like, yo, man, I don't know what's going on.

But fucking, I came home and Ralphie was making out with my mother. And I caught him and now he ran away. I can't, he sped off with his car. So I'm like, what are you talking about? And I get in my fucking car and I fly over to Doug Stanhope's. And there's Ralphie and Doug Stanhope's mom laughing at me. They were playing a prank at me. They said that Ralphie took off with Stanhope's mother.

So Stanhope didn't know what to do. Stanhope fucked me in the ass. That's why Stanhope was trying to fuck with me. and he's like, I don't know what to do. I caught Ralphie making out with my mother and fucking, when I confronted them, they both ran off. Ralphie was there with me

when fucking Doug Stanhope's mother, Doug Stanhope's mother used to save cats that were all missing something, an ear, an eye, a leg. So one time we were all over there and Mrs. Stanhope had it, one of the cats died, and she put a towel down

with a shrine, with a cat, the dead cat with the dead cat on the towel and like candles, like awake. And all the cats sat around looking at that cat. And me and Ralphia are like, look at those cats. They're probably looking at each other going, hey, I could use that ear. Nah, I could use that tail.

Hey, I could use that fucking tooth because every one of her cats was missing something. An arm, a leg. So this is the shit. This is the, you know, guys, when I go deep, you know, this is why I can never have depression. I won't let myself go into depression. No matter how sad I get sometimes, no matter how much I beat myself up, no matter, because I'm fucking rough on myself, no matter how bad I'm feeling about something. When I think of these stories or Ralphie, I just think of Ralphie.

and just think of Ralphie. And I'll laugh. Just the dollhouse cracks me up. Never mind that Doug Stanhope's mother. Never mind the fucking when he fell on Gardner. And I'm trying to pick him up when I couldn't. And I told him that I couldn't pick him up because the cops were going to come. They were going to think I was mugging him.

And he had to get him by himself. Because there we are in the middle of the street in front of the fire department. And I'm tugging on one arm. I can't pick him up. He's four fucking 500 fucking pounds, you know. Whenever I get down, I'm on a plane, something's not going my way. I think about Ralphie. I think about Brody.

You know, I don't ever want to forget about Brody. I don't even want to forget about Ralphie. You know, I don't know when Brody's birthday is. I know Brody died around February, I think. I don't remember either. I think I was going because I found out about Brody when I got, on a plane when I went to sit down Steve Simone called me that was a long fucking hour flight and I had to perform that night so I threw my performance out out of respect for

Brody Stevens that night but back to the topic we were talking about forget about Brody and forget about Ralphie rest their souls I love these both happy birthday and having Ralphie I know you people are going through a lot and I know that you people either know someone or have lost a dear relative or whatever and you're moving through life like nothing happened and you think you're okay

that's okay but something happened and you have to address it at some point in your life if not it will come back to haunchy I'm not talking about that aunt that lived in Connecticut that you hardly seen. I want you to have empathy for her and I want you to pray for her and light of candle for her.

Yeah. I'm talking about those people that are really special in your life that when they go, you're left fucking lost. You're just left there lost. You don't know how to fuck the feel. I answer those messages every fucking day. You know, some kid hit me up yesterday. Again, very anonymous.

I'm not here to talk about names. A guy on Patreon. So he lost his mother last week. And he goes, now I want to thank you for every single word you've ever fucking said. And it just destroyed me. It destroyed me because that's what I'm here for, guys. I'm not here to fucking make you laugh. I'm not here to fucking have a snot fucking out of my nose.

I'm here so you guys can learn from me from the mistakes I made. Don't do this shit. All the dumb shit I did growing up and stuff. It was fun while it lasted. But I want you guys to learn to do it the right way and not to put up with the shit I put up with. You don't have to put up with this shit. If you're not a junkie like I was, you're a comic.

Like Jim Florentine or you're a decent fucking person and nobody's going to give you a shit and you have to stick up for yourself. Ralphie, you know, this is why I do this podcast, not because I'm better than you or any of that shit. Because you could learn from me. You could learn from my fucking mistakes. And one of the biggest mistakes I made was not mourning my mom right.

It turned me into a fucking junkie. And it took the grace of God to me to understand mourning. And that's what made this process a lot easier. When Mike called me and he said, we're starting this up October 1st, I had already written out my morning. Was I prepared? I wasn't prepared.

but eternally I was getting there I was working towards it and here we are today we're at like 87% right now I'm at like 87% if I tell you something I don't want you to get excited about it I'm excited about it

I actually got excited last night about doing stand-up this weekend so don't believe Joe Diaz he doesn't know if he's gonna fucking retire what are you listening to that fucking idiot for What are you listening to me for? It's the truth. Nobody knows what the fuck's going to go on right now.

As of last Sunday, I felt so shitty or Monday or even last week because I haven't been on stage, guys. That's why I feel shitty. I figured it out. I have not been on stage since January 4th. So this weekend, last night I was making some tea and I'm like, I'm pretty fucking excited. I get to try out one new joke. I got one joke I got confidence on. So if you're expecting a bunch of new jokes,

don't come on Friday. Because I got one new bit. I got confidence in all the other stuff I've written. I don't have the confidence relief band or alpha brain has. You know what I'm saying? I don't have that type of confidence to tell you. You could get your money back. I don't know.

But we're going to try our best. I'll tell a couple stories We'll tell a Ralphie Mae story Or something And we'll pull it through But I am excited this week About doing stand-up That makes me fucking excited

That I'm excited about doing stand-up I'm sorry about my cousin The snot that came out last week You know, and I felt them there for a minute But I didn't want to dig in front of you Because then you're like Joy was digging for fucking snot On the podcast

What type of fucking American is he And then I had to eat it Yeah, because I'm not to dig in front of you not letting that go at the other sometimes I'll just put under the table like a piece of gum and save it for later but then the snack gets too hard and you got to you know jump into a little bit and I got new teeth I don't want no problems you know what I'm saying I want I want to save my teeth I don't want to have to go back to fucking L.A. and see the fucking dentist again but with that in mind listen man I'm sorry about any of the losses in your life and the bottle and drugs

is not the fucking answer to morning. It's a paper, it's a pen, it's devotion, it's going back to square one, what that person wanted for you. Your father wants something special for you. Your mother wants something special for you. Your sister saw you dance one day by yourself in the shower

and she thinks you're a great dancer. You should be a dancer. You're like, nah. know what I'm saying? So when somebody dies, those are the questions you have to ask yourself. What would they say to me in the casket? What would they thank me for? And what is the person they would want me to become?

Like, I'm not saying change. I'm saying to tighten one of your angles. Something that you're doing isn't tight, just tightening up a little bit. cursing too much. Joey, you're doing this, you know. And that's what it is. Just try to become what that person thought you could be. You know, I never thought I would end up here.

But my mother thought I could. I never thought I could grow up to be a fucking man. I was a fucking punk little fag. But I grew up to be a man. So if somebody believes it, there's a reason. Follow it and become that person for them. and the morning process will be tip-top magoo. You know, I cried because of Ralphie,

because I haven't mourned Ralphie. But I could talk about my mother all day long, and I won't fucking cry or get upset. I can talk all day long about Anthony Balzano and not cry and get upset. I could talk about Dominique, especially how. I can talk about a lot of people that I've lost and not get upset.

Ralphie and Brody are still four years. Brody's probably two years, right? Brody's probably two years, yeah. and I'm not even, he'll be like maybe 10 years for me to mourn those guys. This was an easy mourn. The L.A. mourn, it got easier when I saw the smile on my daughter's face.

When I saw my daughter saying, this has been the best day of my life. I got White Castle today. Okay, if White Castle makes you better, and if that's the best day of your life, fuck it. L.A. is dead. And that's it for the podcast. I got no dates.

All I have is February 19th and 20th this week at Vinnie's, which is sold out the 24th at Vinny's, which is next Wednesday, and then all the Wednesdays at Vinny's in March, and then we'll decide from there what we're going to fucking do. But from the excitement I had last night about getting on stage Friday, who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows? Listen, guys, I love you guys.

I want to thank all our sponsors for the week, but most importantly, I want to thank you guys for having my back every week for watching. We keep growing. We're getting better every week, and we're getting stronger, and it's because of you.

Thank you very much. Thank you for putting up with the snot and not report me to the authorities. Thank you for not spreading false rumors that Joey's back on Coke. Just thank you. Thank you for being you guys. I love you guys.

Patreon, 3, 5, and 10, and I'm around. Twitter, Facebook, you know I'm around. Mad Flavor. Stay black. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great weekend.

All right, I want to thank you, savages on a beautiful Wednesday morning for checking in and enjoying the podcast. It wasn't a podcast you really wanted to hear today. It was a tough one on me too, but that's what life is all about, is dealing with things.

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have a great week uh i love you guys thank you for all the birthday wishes and i'll see you guys monday morning tip top mcgoo ready to fucking go i love you cock suckers