The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 04/01/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #67

Episode Date: April 2, 2013

Comedian George Perez, one of Joey's best friends in comedy and life calls in to the podcast today. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. Streamed live on 04/01/2013

Oh, motherfucker shit. It's just you against the world. Oh, shit. Uncle Joey Diaz, my little brother Lee Syatt, co-captain of this fucking party. It's Monday. April 1st. Get some fool to suck your dick. That ain't April Fool's Day in your world. You're the real fucking deal. You got no time to play games with a hat with the propeller.

Leave that for these little faggots walking around. April fucking Fool. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Lee Syatt. Kick it Lee. Let me finish. Throwing this fucking number here, this Dubois. This is some good shit, Divine.

No, what was this? What I get to something? I don't know. No-ho organic, the PR, fucking throwing heat. I got that new gun from Divine Wellness also. The new fucking gold pen. Oh, they gave it to me. I was going to bring on the show, but I forgot.

What's up, you bad motherfuckers. Get up. Wash that ass. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Go out there. Kick that fucking ass. Let's roll this number. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

Finger-licking good. It's Monday morning. Go out there and get what belongs to you, you bad motherfuckers. Happy, but later Easter. Hope you had a great weekend with your fucking families. You ate some good food.

You got to give somebody your stabbing. Maybe you ate her ass. Whatever you're into. It's Monday morning, April 1st. It's a whole new fucking start. You want to start that diet. You want to fucking do some jumping, you want to quit smoking.

Today is your lucky fucking day. You understand? Because anything could happen today. Monday, cock suckers. Let's spark this number. We ought to respect. What's happening, people? Everything good in your world?

Everything's good here. We had a nice weekend. I get to see Lee. Yeah, that was fun. We went to Meltdown Comics, and I did the set list with a bunch of fucking phonies with their glasses, because God forbid they don't have their glasses on to show people

how smart and intelligent they are. And that was fun. We went to Hollywood for a little while. Yeah. We did not cheat on the diet. The Taco Man was not out the whole weekend. Somebody got shot at Skinny's. Oh, yeah, that was scary.

Friday night. It was open the next night that when we drove by. Mm-mm-mm. Finger-licking motherfucking good, people. Friday night, the dick was Good Friday. When I was a kid growing up, no matter how crazy my mother was, this was what I was telling people. My mother was balls-ass fucking crazy.

But once Good Week came or Catholic Week, the plans changed at the fucking house. So I'm Jewish. What's Catholic Week? What just happened? You know, Good Friday. Hey, Easter. Happy Thursday.

And do you do like the whole no meat thing and stuff like that? Yeah, there you go. It's over. No Friday. I didn't eat meat at all on Fridays. I don't give up nothing for lunch. I just give up the meat on Fridays. It's good enough for me.

It's like a little fucking mini-discipline for eight weeks, six weeks. Smoke meat. It's Monday, cock-sucker. Now he switch his hands on me. Like I'm Dean Lewis here. Fucking smoke that shit. Cox-Sug. That's my boy, Lysayette.

Thursday nights when I was a kid in New York and even when we moved to Jersey like up to the time I was 10 Thursday nights I wasn't allowed to go out when 6 o'clock comes your home And you did it? You did it? Like you didn't go out? I didn't do it. No, I liked doing it. And on Friday you couldn't listen to music

or watch TV. I didn't know that. You had to write and shit and read books and you'd go to the courts and play and you went to school but you had to be home by 6 and then Saturday you lost your fucking mind and Sunday you lost your mind home. That's it. I went to church yesterday morning

I went to 7.30 men. Sure. Got stoned. I'm not going to lie to you people. It's not like I went in there straight like a soldier. I got stoned. Sat in the back. Now, the thing that bothered me, I'm not religious at all. But when I was living in Boston, I'd go with my mom to the high holidays, which is the same thing as Easter, but for Jewish people.

It always pissed me off. There'd be the parking lot would be full. Everyone would be saying high and the happy New Year. And it really bugged me because they weren't there the whole rest of the year. And I wasn't the whole rest of the year, but it seems like people go out during those days to be seen. Well, is it the same thing?

People's social lifestyle is their own social lifestyle. I hate that shit, too. You know how many people I said hello to yesterday? Maybe three, maybe four that made eye contact with me. Yeah. You know, I went at 7.30. Mm-hmm. You know, it's a 35, 40-minute mass.

I sit in the back. Nobody sees me. Sometimes I get a cookie. Sometimes I don't. sometimes I sit in the back and cry, you know, because it's so strong for me, the feeling of being in a church. Oh, wow. It's so strong for me.

When I look at the 12 stations of the cross and you look at Jesus and you look at your day, it's so strong for me, I just sit in the back. Now, is the mass and Latin or is it English? No, this is English. Okay. That Latin stuff tries me fucking crazy. Okay. You know, so I'll sit through it for a half hour or something like that,

but I don't have the endurance. I know I want to have no more to go to church. I'm not going to lie to nobody. and tell you, I go, you know, and you people go, Joey, what the fuck is, I love it. I love it. It's my own, it's one hour for me to lose.

Because I went as a kid. Yeah. So as a kid, I was an only child. So when I went to church as an only child, to me, I would just shut my fucking mind off and going to La La La Land like I'd been doing all my life. I'm the type of guy I could watch TV, and next thing you know, 30 minutes have passed,

and I've been mind-fucking myself. Not even watching the TV. I don't even know what the fuck's been going on, and I'm watching it. I'm watching straight on, but my mind has been absorbed by something else. That's why I tell you, I watch TV in little chunks. I can't watch a football game if I wanted to.

Yeah. If I wanted to. Yesterday when Ari came over, we were watching Moneyball, you know, you know, the Chinese food, and again, you know, remember we're talking about planning how to eat and planning how not to eat. Yeah. The thing about Chinese food isn't the Mongolian beef.

It's not the Kung Pow chicken with steam rice. Yeah. That's not what really kills you. Even though they have sugar in there and different sauces, it's the egg rolls. Oh, yeah. It's the wonton soup, which is really three points,

the wonton soup and the egg drop soup. It's the dumplings that are like six points a piece. Yeah. It's the things I like, the noodles and the soup. Oh, those are good doing. I'll fucking put a whole thing up thing in the fucking soup. You've seen me when we went to Jersey, the chance draught in? So, yes, they mean, and I got a half order of Mongolian beef,

light on the sauce, a little spicy, a lot of onions. Yeah. And the rice, and I ate half a little thing of rice, because I don't have them send a big container. And that was good. The rest I ate a couple pieces of just meat, like loose. protein. Yeah. And I was good, so I didn't feel bad about it. You know what I'm saying? It's like I got a

container pork fried rice. That'll fucking kill you. Oh yeah. It's a little cup is eight, it's like 12 points. Oh, Jesus. For a little fuck, you ever go to like Benihana? Oh, yeah. And they give you a little cup of rice, that rice is fucking 22 fucking points. Because of the egg and the oil. The egg and the oil, the fucking butter, the my sugar of the juice.

They got everything in there. The Jap blood. They got everything in there. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Jap blood, I just wrote that. Yeah, it's pretty great. I've been, for people who, I was supposed to end the juice fast today, but I went, on Friday, I wasn't feeling good, so I ended it. And I've been really proud of myself.

I did gain six pounds, but I didn't have any food in my stomach. But I went grocery shopping, and I called Joey, I called you from the grocery store, because I have to talk to Mike Dolce again. Because that place, I'm not kidding you, the only time I would ever go there before was to get diet soda, cookies and chips, and, like, maybe a couple things. I was lost there Cookies, chips, donuts Yeah Yum yum bars And laundry deterred you

But yeah But now that I'm buying healthy I was lost there But I got I haven't I ate out once With friends for Easter yesterday But I've had a salad

With every lunch and dinner The only mistake I've made so far Is I think I'm eating too many carbs I think I have to cut some of those out Like I got I got like some wheat bread And I had like a sandwiches Two nights in a row

That I have to cut out And I think maybe a little bit too much dairy but other than that I feel like I haven't had any frying things work out smoke some more fucking dope get over here you look like I'm like I need to I need to stop my dairy you need to get over here smoke some fucking weed it's Monday you walk around with sure let me see you do a jumping jack just want to let me just see you do a jumping jack one cock sucker one jumping guy right there he does he just did a nice jumping jack he burns some calories it's Monday you fucking filthy savages get up there's a fucking ass out there

waiting for you to pop that fucking hyman. Get out there sling some dick. It's beautiful today. I don't know what it's going to be like degrees-wise. I'm no fucking weather, man. But it's going to be a beautiful fucking day. Hit me a little. I want to be around.

Respect for my mom. R.I.P. My brother Jimmy Berkle died yesterday morning. Finally, after a long two-year fucking battle with cancer, he kicked the fucking can. But I would break down right now, but he called Friday. Oh, that's nice.

He said that he got my message. Didn't even sound like him. Didn't even fucking sound like him. I had to ask to see what the fuck it was. He said he got my message. He said that the chemo, that he almost died. Jesus. He was laughing about it.

He goes, the grim reber almost came. And he goes, I'll call you in the three days. I'll call you. And I got the call last night, and I spoke to my friend of Villeur this morning on the drive. He passed yesterday. I don't think I'm going home for it. I'm just going to send flowers.

They didn't reach you. out to me, you know. I already made my piece of him. I made my piece of him. Last year I took a train down to the shore, and I brought him a piece of banana bread, and we smoked some dough, and we talked. The doctors fucking told him not to smoke weed,

that his cancer, the cancer he had, you couldn't smoke weed with it. So this is the guy that got me to Colorado. This is the angel that walked into a bar one night, and we started talking and started selling me, Aspen Colorado, and I thought he was crazy, but what he did was he saved my life. That's plain and simple.

I would have not made 1983. You don't think so? No, I would have not finished 1983. I would have not finished 1983. I know that for a fact. Jeez. So my heart goes out to him and his family, his wife and his child,

and my life, you know, he's going to make my own. This is, you know, in your life you lose people, when you lose people. You know who the fuck doesn't matter. I mean, they all don't matter, but there's certain people that you're going to look at the phone. and go, wow, I can't call that number anymore. You know, and I used to call him, and we'd goof around,

we'd call each other dick. He's the one that got me the house and job. It's something that I know. I've had a relationship with him for, and I'm 50, I've had a relationship with him since, so 34 fucking years, you know, so my heart goes out there. And he's been suffering for a while, right? He's been, he did five treatments, you know,

and it wasn't smoking. He didn't smoke fucking, cigarettes and nothing guys he was a fishing guy so he went he had cancer in the scalp and they went to his lymph nodes I got spit out myself they shouldn't touch myself with that fucking cancer finger so a little fucking tony bent for his spirit and anybody else we lost I love it motherfuckers it's Monday wash your fucking snatch watch those feet get out there brush your teeth comb your hair there you go Lee, I'm over here smoking solo again, my fucking Ringo star.

I can't go hit for hit with you, Jesus, please. I've got two more bats coming at you. It's one day. I need you alive and kick, and Lee don't like fucking oatmeal either. I don't like oatmeal now. Yeah, you got a lot of problems, Lee. Why? Because I don't like oatmeal? Yeah, that's a mainstay.

That's a rope. Not everybody. Put the fucking music on. You're going to lower it because of oatmeal problems. Not everyone likes oatmeal. I have some eggs, I have some wheat toast. What's wrong with that? All you ever talk about, you have one egg, you have one egg.

You have some one egg. You have some protein purposes. Yeah. I don't have eight eggs. I have two eggs. Do you really? Yeah. I don't like eggs anymore.

It depends. Hit it leave. I mean, I want to be around. Oh shit. This joint is on fire. Jesus Christ. So your wife and daughter been out of town for a little bit. Gone.

And what I've been doing is cooking at the house, which is fucking great. Yeah. I love it. I had a protein shake this morning. You said you made lobster tails the other day. Oh, good Friday. Oh, shit. Sorry about that.

I had a little fucking pubic hair. I was just... Shagin shiabas. What did you say? Shibakishabas. I don't fucking know. All right? What do you bother me for with the details?

I had these two lobster tails on Friday. I fucking put them in the oven with some butter on them. I called Dolce. Me and Dolce is like butter it up and get the fucking organic butter so I went and got some organic butter. And I fucking put garlic in there and bamke it up.

And that's it. That was my fucking night. Me and the cat sat there and they ate fucking lobsters. Nice. I threw some meat at the cat. They go crazy with the fucking lomsetail soup. They go crazy with everything there. They're fucking deripani ass. They really are.

Now I understand my wife was saying they're a fucking pain. They're always hungry. Really? Are they acting out with her gone? Yeah. Dimmie's a fucking night, man. They woke me up two times last night, playing and jumping.

And I go to bed with one girl, and I wake up with another freaking female cat. I go to bed with Ali every night. Ali's crying, fucking busting my balls. I got to pick the blanket up. She gets under the fucking blanket. I got to hug her. Then she doesn't want to be close to me. She moves away.

Then she comes back. It's a fucking never-ending battle for truth. justice and the American way and then I wake up with Gray I wake up in fucking gray Allie's gone like Allie was under the blanket hugging up on me

I wake up and I got a black cat behind my knee she doesn't like laying next to me she lays in the cup of my knees oh okay behind you so you can't fucking move I go to go what the hell and she's behind so once I get up a little bit like I wiggle out of my coma by the time I take

my fat man's sleep apnea mask off she's me out at the top of her because I broke her astride. Like I broke, she doesn't like the fan. My legs are like a fort for her. My legs and my ass are like a fourth for her. So all she ever does is pick up her head over the thing. Then she ducks it.

She just picks it up over the fucking thing. So she's behind me and when I get up, she starts meowing. Because she wants, Jesus Christ, she wants to come into the bed for me to hold her, you know? Yeah. So it's a fucking panic attack. And then she starts me meow and, I'm like, where the fuck are you going? and pet me. So before I pee, I got to actually give a love. And I got to walk to the

bathroom, pee, wash my hands, and start my fucking day, you know? Do you let Jimmy do the shower thing with you? He always comes in. He came in the fucking shower last night. I took a shower before I went to bed. The motherfucker was in there. He likes to be clean. He's a good cat like that. He's a fucking great cat. I ain't mad.

I don't like showers. You know, how many animals you want to be? I mean, he fucking is serious. If he could get in the shower with you, you know, you would. He doesn't try that? He tries. You got to tell him to get the fuck out. He tries because first he comes up through the sink.

That means he wants you to wet him down. But then you'll hear quiet. You're like, oh, he left, whoo. And he'll start taking a shower. And all of a sudden, you hear like the shower curtain in the back. That means he wants to run through. So he'll come, let a cup of water drops hit him, and then he'll shake up and run through the front.

And then he'll come and jump on his mother's lap to show him. Look at me. I took a shower. He's that fucking smart. As soon as he takes a shower, he comes out. or a human. Really? He dances in front of you.

He does like a little dance. Like he prances to show you that. I took a shower, dog. I ain't one of these fucking dirty motherfuffers. I got class. I got style. I'm a Siamese. Jesus Christ.

They're hysterical. And that's how you have to look at it. Every animal's got his own trick. Whether it's a dog, a fucking cat. Dogs are great. I used to have a dog and ass I'd throw a ball on the fucking lake.

He'd go under. Really? And then come up and fucking with fish and rocks. He's like flippery. He was a fish. But that's what? having a pet. That's why pets are important. It's Monday, cock suckers. It's Monday, all right? We've been giggling talking about pets like half of fags here, but I ain't forgotten about you.

Get up. Get up, write your goals, eat some oatmeal, wash your ass. You don't know who you're going to bump into today. You might bump into a freak. She wants to lick your balls. Now you're walking around. They taste like fucking clam juice. You don't need drag with it. Get up, you filthy fucking animals. Where's some biggie small? Lee, you're sitting there. Jesus, man. Jesus, Christ. Hey, what the fuck? It's Monday. I got to get these people a Wait, hit it. Oh, shit, Lee. This one you're wiggling. What?

Oh, fuck. Uncle Joey, the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. On it. Get to it. Onet.com. They'll fucking save your life. Get the three-pack. It's popular as a motherfucker.

Get 10% off for church and the top of things. C-H-U-R-C-A. Hit it. Oh, shit. Lee, you got to smoke something this for you. This is the one that killed Lincoln. This is the booth, OG. Oh, motherfucker.

Oh, shit. How long do you think it is until you open your own dispensary? Oh, shit, let's smoke. Let's go two ways, leave. You're going to smoke your own big booty joint. Oh, shit, here you go, Lee. I can't have an entire big booty. It's Monday.

Get your shit together. All I hear from you is no, no, no. You don't like oatmeal. You don't want to do this. You don't want to lift weight. You don't want to do nothing. Nothing. It's all over.

When does she is that? Austin is that only goal to. Shut up, cocksucker. What's happened? You're everything good. You're looking good. Look at you, cocksucker. I'm ready to rock this morning.

You know what I have for breakfast? What? A protein shake, cocksucker. What's a fucking malukia juice and Staminka juice and everything. You know what's got meekia juices? No. Pussy juice in a can, you know what? Jesus Christ.

You don't get pulled. I don't see juice in the camp. No, where does that come from? Is that Russian? It's Korean. You get that rouse. You pour it on your fish. You put it on your fucking cereal.

It's all over. Look at Italy. People had a great time with it. We went to San Diego the other night. Oh, yeah. Two and a half hours in the car with this fucking mutt. Tremendous. I talked about everything nasty.

He almost puked 18 times. I love it. I wish I had a camera on him there. He is as, I think, you're almost worse than I was at your age. No, I'm not prudish. Yes, you are. He won't do this fucking guy. I don't want to do nothing with nobody.

No, he was... Nothing. He's disgusting. He's a little half a fucking... I even ask him. I said, tell me the truth. You're gay. No.

I like normal stuff. I'm not gay. He opens up. He goes, all right, what you got to do is you got to have her suck your dick. You got to have her... suck your load. And then you stick her and you punch her on the stomach. So she pukes up the jizz.

And then you got to bring it down again. So he wants me to have her puke. and then drink the jays from the puke again. I never said deadly. This is the shit you want to do and how you're putting on me. You did for about a half an hour. You want to punch him in the stomach, make a puke.

And then make a drink to come again. These are these Jewish fantasies. This is what's in your fucking Yamagia. You got to get it together. I could never think about that in my mind. You're a filthy, filthy young fucking man. Punching. Fucking Lee.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, so that's... I don't know. I like normal stuff That's fine when they What normal? You won't eat ass You want to hear

I mean you had to hear these demands He had in the fucking car I have no demands He fucks with rubber gloves on I mean No I don't Oh Jesus Christ You gotta get at the guy

I'm gonna call Dick Sire You're fucking slipping You're fucking punching I almost passed I almost jumped out of the car When he said that I don't know I don't jump out of the fucking car

Do you have some Some shoutouts Is that what you're looking at? No No No I was just looking at today's day I had an original Sandusky on there.

I don't know what that means. Sometimes you ever know that I, man. An original Sandusky, and I was looking at it without the glasses. I'm like, why did I write Sandusky in my book? Let me tell you something. One thing since my wife left, I've been writing a lot more. In fact, I was breaking down shit, you know, just breaking down with jokes and stuff.

I've been having a good time. I miss my wife and the baby, but, you know, she went home. She went home to be with her fucking family. It's not about me. It's about this fucking baby. People were breaking my bulls. Even my wife was like, I didn't want you here.

That's one thing about my wife. She's dynamite people. And if you don't do that, I went to a party a day where a fucking hysterical. The guy lives with a chick that's a veggie, but they've been together and he still eats meat. But she believes he doesn't. That little fucking thing right there

He won't eat in front of her? No, but he'll fucking go to my house Or your house and eat bacon And he'll run home He'll have to wash his breath and stuff That little lie right there Could end everything Yeah

I've been thinking about that When he told me the story a week ago I was thinking about that Even with my divorce My first divorce When I first was married to Kathy I wasn't a bad husband I was young.

I didn't know what I was doing. Yeah, and I was scared. And I can't lie to you. I came from a society where, well, for myself, in my head, I didn't really know what a woman meant at that time. I didn't know. I had never really been in a full-out relationship. Okay.

And I came from a chauvinistic New Jersey-type mentality, and I didn't know that it was a share-share situation. I didn't know about these things. In the back of my mind, a wife was something. somebody you fucked and did laundry, cooked. Yeah. That's not what a wife is. And when I was with her,

listen, you can't tell your sibling everything. Excuse me. Everything. Shit's going to happen. Shit's going to arise, especially in my world where I'm a fucking criminal. You know, I'm a fucking criminal. Yeah. So I just got out of prison.

She don't want to hear about my fucking me flipping a car and using somebody else's name and me. So they're white lies. But the one thing that saves me and Terry now is, are there any lies between us? Not really. Am I a fucking angel? Not really.

But I'm not out, you know, fucking around with women or whatever the fucking call. I mean, I'm home, though. I'm not going to party. I don't do shit. I give her respect. I clean the house. You know, I kick in. I fucking, I do everything I can to make her life easier.

And she would have been worrying about you if you were there. Like she wants to, like. Yeah, yeah. That's what it is. I know her. So she'd be worrying a matto-at. And I'm, I'm always having a good time.

Listen, you're in Tennessee. You're with people in the mountains. They fucking have an accent. They listen to whatever music. I don't even know what national... What Christianity they are. They go to a church. They don't handle snakes and all that stuff,

but it's in that vein. They're my in-laws, and I love them for who they are. And I love my niece. I was talking to my niece yesterday on the phone. She called me, When are you coming, Uncle Joey? You know, I love all that shit. I'm going to go home and play basketball with her,

and I'm going to have a fucking great... time, you know. But you don't need to be there for a week and a half. Right. She's going to be there for a week. I know my wife could only, listen, nobody could go home alone in five days. I told you last time. Yeah. It don't work. Especially when you've been away from home. Yeah. The trips get shorter and shorter and shorter. And now you start looking at things for what they are. And not that you become better than this, you see little things and you're like, I don't ever want to go in there again. Yeah. I don't even want to go in there. Like after this whole situation that I had with Jimmy Burkle this last two weeks, I don't

never want to go home. Yeah, you don't want to go home. You know why? Because my friends are slipping. Like the two people who I knew would call me back, like this kid of Villo, who's called the podcast, he's got the band of the past masters. Steve Avila has turned to be one of my best friends in life. I mean, this was just a childhood football friendship.

He is such a decent kid. Stephen Avillo, the kid I have called a podcast with band messages, an engineer. Him, Loops. I have some, and people don't understand that about me, that, and I take this very seriously. The friends I had from 18 to 21 and then 21 to 25, whatever, but I still talk to Jimmy V. Jimmy Loebbs are, to me, saints. Like, I have to leave money when they die. I check with them every day.

And they raised the bar on friendship for me so high that nothing else fills the boy. I have friends now, yeah, ha, ha, ha, ha, whatever. No, no, no, I'm telling my people that will live and die for you. Joey Falado, what he's called the podcast and told all those crazy bookmaking story. His cousin, the one that used to take me to New York and take me to go do comedy. He was a bodybuilder, steroid, threw people out windows and all that shit. Those people raised a bar for me on friendship so high that I can't understand this shit now that I live with. Yeah.

Like, what I live with now is just basically acquaintance. And I love you to death. You know, we hang. We hang. No, I understand what you're saying. You got my back. I know that. I'm just saying that it's so weird to have that.

That ruined me. Like, yeah, God took my family, and that's bad and all that. But he gave me the gift of friendship, which most people will never see. Like, those people that were in that fucking comic book thing here and I, those people don't know this. They got a fucking moron at the door with the suit and the fucking beat on. It's a comic book store. You got a polyester suit on half these fucking things.

You know, I didn't want that as a friend. I didn't need that as a friend. If you could tell I got no tattoos, no earrings, no nothing. You get what the fuck you. see. That's it. I don't need to do fucking nothing. I don't need to wear a shirt with Morrissey on it or whatever. There's a nice little white t-shirt. I'm back bitches. I love these fucking things. I went to the big and fat man store and I bought three fucking boxes of these things and I forgot all about them. I've had them on every

day. I got VNAX, straight ones. I love it. I got nine of these and nine of the other ones. I got 18 of these motherfuckers. That's it. I'm 50 years old. I don't have to wear no fucking I's-eyed shirt to impress nobody or a lizard or fuck the fuck you or some MMA. I'm 50 and last you know I'm saying? You see these 50 year olds in an MMA shirt on. Give me a fucking break, all right? Tap out. Tap what?

Tap what? Knock it off, you fucking fake motherfuckers. Anyway, we're talking about your least. About friendship and I was actually talking to my buddy the other night and some people say like they have, I forget how it came up but I have probably four friends, four or five friends. And it's, like I

trust them more and they're actually like real friends. Like sometimes you go to a party there's like 20 people that are you like oh I wish that could be cool to have like 20 people I want to have over over. But when you think about it, I don't have 20 people and I don't really want 20 people over my house. I want the two or three that I actually like. So it's interesting that you brought that up. No, it's it kills me that. But I'm also very happy that I got to see that.

Like Jimmy Loob is a kid that stutters. Yeah, we haven't heard of him for me more. I talked to him fucking three times a week. I talked to him yesterday. He calls me just to tell me what his mother cook. Die, die, die. Die, die. Today, ooh, she made a nice turkey with giblets.

I mean, he broke down his mother made like 22 fucking things yesterday. And Jimmy, another one of those guys that's dying that, I tell you, man, my world's going to be a lot lighter when I lost Marilyn Martinez out of here a couple of years ago. You know, Marilyn Martinez was a mediocre comic who got put on different tours with Scott Montoy and the Latino guys, you know, Perez and all that. And she was dirty.

She weighed like 500 fucking pounds. And she had a black husband. And she had, like, nine cats. and she lived in Los Felice, but if it wasn't for her, I'd still be doing bluff. Really? I don't care who it is.

You could always take a lot. What the fuck was that? My phone just hit the table. Get it together, cuck, I got, I got a big lesson from her. And I got to tell you something, that's somebody that if you were told me 10 years ago when Marilyn dies, you're going to miss her? I would say, get it together, Lee.

I'm not going to miss no fucking chick that I wasn't fucking. I miss Marilyn Martinez because I see all the things she told me 10 years ago about the store, about comedy, how she was correct. She looked at things just the way I did She could pick it off This guy's a fucking work job Get rid of him

You know She could pick shit off And she was You know Anyway It's important to have those kind of people In your life Yeah because listen man

Cat Williams is a great comic And a great person I knew Cat Fucking 12 years ago When they still called himself Cat in the fucking hat And I gotta tell you man I used to laugh

When I used to see him out And he used to have this room In the Valley and studio Say like a black jazz thing It's still there And I used to laugh My ass off But you know what

when I watch Cat Williams now I don't need for somebody to tell me what's going on with Cat Williams you know why because I know it A I could easily been there and B, it's who you surround yourself with and this is not only in a comedy game I'm sorry this isn't life Yeah, in life folks

If you surround yourself with fucking shit You're gonna have shit around you And I'm not saying But I'm just the truth No let's be fucking honest to it If you surround yourself with shit I could look on the podcast with a thousand people I like this kid.

This kid tells me exactly how the fuck it is. He told me something the other day in the car about comics, being preaching, and I told him, you see me being preaching on stage, you call me the fuck out. At the podcast, this is what we do. It's a fucking church. We've got to preach a little bit to you.

But, you know, Lee's my buddy. Lee has said things to me that I've gone home and go, a fucking 24-year-old kid. He's shark. That's why I like him around me. He's like a young rock or a beastie. And if you have shit around you people, sit down, make notes.

If they're failing you, if these people, if you tell these people you're trying to go on a diet and they tell you fuck no or never work, if you tell people you want to go to school and they tell you fucking

they don't work, if you hang out with people and they bring heat into your life, get with them. If that fucking cut them off. You know, my house is my sanctuary, man. I had no house for 20 fucking years.

For 20 years, I lived on people's couches and I giggled and, you know, I couldn't go to sleep. or your wife went to bed and you know if somebody else was there had to stay up you know how hard that is to do that that's awful yeah and then sleep with a sleep at me a mask on with people I didn't have sleep at me a mask out there but I know what it's like to sleep on some of these couch with a sleep at me a mask on and wake up and their kids are pointing at you you know it's fucking rough yeah so I know what it was to get some place to live that was my own that was fucking homeless for fucking years I lived in a car then my apartment got towed I mean Ralphie'll fucking tell you these people tell you I lived on people's couch as I'm a fucking comic bro but my house is my fucking temple.

I don't bring drama into my house. You got somebody who shows up at three in the morning with some fucking stripper and three of her fucking friends Dublo, that's not your fucking friend. Yeah. He just, you know, you just open your house to fucking...

I'm not saying strippers will rob you. I'm just saying they got friends, you know, one night of the thing, and some guy's like, yeah, I got to rob a house. I know there's a little fat fucking dude and this Cuban dude who are roommates and they got podcasting equipment

in that fucking house. And you got to take care of your shit. And your friends are everything around you. I have a special guest is calling that you motherfuckers don't know. But you don't need to fucking know him because he's put so much love and wisdom. If he wasn't here in L.A., this guy, I wouldn't be doing what I was doing. Really? You don't think so? When George Perez came out of prison, I wasn't doing this shit.

Yeah. I was at home considering selling cars, doing open mics around town, and I was going to make a living from selling cars. I had done the podcast once or twice with Joe, and then I decided to go for it, because when he came out of prison, he devised 20 fucking comedy rooms. He put all these comedy rooms together. So I went from fucking every night.

I would go out to a different room because of him that's a kid named Martin Rizzo. Little Martin Rizzo, my little buddy, that's a little Mexican kid. He would call me every night. Uncle Joey, where are you going to go to him? I wouldn't go anywhere. I'm like nowhere.

And he would say, Joey, there's a room. Meet us in Glendale. Come out. They'll let you do seven minutes. I'm like, then. I don't want to say. He goes, come out. And I started hanging out with those young little fucking comics.

Him and Johnny Rock. You know, Johnny Rock opened up for us in the CD. This is you and me. I think that's you, buddy. So it was really weird that I bumped it. You didn't know about that? That I would have been fucking dead without those guys. No, I mean, he opens for you most of the time.

down in Orange County so I've met him he's a great guy but I didn't know that I didn't know that you went out with him for a while and it's funny this George Perez guy I don't know what the fuck he is maybe fell back to sleep it's funny that I was telling Bert Kreischer once said a quote

about me that I told Bert that you don't need to go to therapy you really you really don't need to go to therapy all you need is to have good friends yeah can meet with twice a week and fucking do coffee with the and talk and just say listen this is what's going on in my life

uh... and they'll tell you the truth that's it you don't need no fucking therapy your friends are the fucking people they'll tell you what direction you're going or what and if they can't then they're not really your friends yeah I think and while we wait for the call you were talking about

how leaving home and then your real friends I think the people not it's not always the case but sometimes when you go home you see the people that stayed in the hometown are the people that have problems and the people who leave, it seems like they have more perspective

and they're more your friends. What do you mean in what sense? It's like, sometimes when I go home, I'm like, Jesus, these people are still here working the same job. And I know the work thing is bad, but I feel like the people who leave and go make their own way are the more of the friends

who aren't going to bring drama or the friends who are going to be there for you. It seems like, I don't know. Well, you know, in my case, I was fucking crazy. I was bringing a lot of heat at my friends. Before I left in 83, I was bringing heat on them all the time. They always had

to answer. People, where's cocoa? I think he robbed my house. You know, there was always heat. And these guys took my fucking back, and I never forgot that. And, you know, when I did the premiere, the longest shot, I brought six of them to the premiere. I got eight tickets. I brought seven of them.

All the ones I made fucking suffer. All those nights, I called at four in the morning. I brought them all, just to show them in my world, part-time. The world we spoke about that we thought would never be possible. Here it was right in front of them. They were losing their minds. You know, Adam Sandler came over to the table.

These guys are like, what the fuck is this shit? Yeah. You know, but my friends are fucking special to me because I knew that that's all I have. Everything I do today is to make them proud. Those guys, lube and those guys that fed me, I always really wanted to make them fucking proud of me. Yeah. And I have a great relationship with you.

I really do. You're a shark kid. You know, you made a little money. We make a little scratch from time to time. We get fucking lucky. You know, the testicle testaments has been good for us. And we have a working relationship that's honest. You know, 10 years, we're going to look at this from now.

We're both going to learn from this, you know, and this is how you get better and I get better. But it really does. I get a lot of fucking notes here. Let me just give a few shout-outs real quick. Bill Bissinich, Badinich, Austin James. I love you. Thank you, brother.

Brian, you're a student in Pennsylvania. I'm watching you. Jason Piper, Danny Nagel, Jonathan Marillo. Chubby Lou and Pearson's dad. I don't know your fucking name is. And my main man, Luke in Austin, fucking Texas.

Luke's a fucking soldier. He hit me up. He's 15. And he wants to come to one of the shows. He's dad. He wants him with his tickets. And I'm like, listen, you fuck, you live in Austin. I don't know what the fucking drinking age is in Austin.

People always hit me up. I'm like, I'm 19. They won't let me unjoil. What can you do? Are you fucking crazy? I woke up this morning to Twitter, two 15-year-olds. Like, Joey, we can't go to your show. What were your charges to do a show in our backyard or something like that? Well, when we went, we haven't talked about it.

We had a live podcast on when, after the podcast on Wednesday. And I know personally for me, thank you guys. I've never been on stage or done anything like that before. And it was amazing being with Joey and everybody that was just, it was amazing. No, that was. We did not talk about the live fucking. podcast and I wrote it down that's right that's not what Sandusky Jr.

was that was something fucking else right now brother 635 bye that was amazing yeah Vinnie Curto you know

I goof on Vinny a lot he's a boxer and he's been punching the fucking head and we fuck around with him a lot but let me tell you something that night he was brilliant he talked for like a Over an hour just himself was brilliant when are you gonna put up to podcast today it's gonna be up today

There's a free podcast we could care less we don't we don't want to make no money we don't want to charge a dime 99 It ain't gonna change a lot we're gonna be doing this yeah because we learned a fucking huge huge he's calling you We learned a fucking huge lesson uh Lee was amazing leaving get nervous I seen his hands tapping But to do a live podcast with 90 people the energy was mind-boggling I had to drive my wife the next day and I couldn't fucking drive it was great here we'll talk about whatever what's up baby what's up baby what's going on what's going on uncle Joey you know me Doug on the line is my fucking brother George Perez happy birthday by the way belated thank you thank you how old were you on Saturday 36 and you look fucking 24

God bless you George you know I met George when he was 26 right George 26 25 yeah 25 25 you know and We did a show called the Locoslam, right, George? What was it called? I think it was local comedy jam. Local comedy jam, which they still play on fucking showtime. And it's funny, when I got the call to do it, I was deep, deep, deep in my cocaine world. And I didn't even give a fuck about that set.

I thought that Montoya would never sell it to Showtime. I thought it was a fucking lie. Me too. And whenever I see that now, I cringe. because it was my chance to shine and I went out there and just was a filthy fucking dude the clothes I was wearing my face what I looked like it was just

whenever I see it on YouTube or something I just fucking cringe you know what kills me is I got locked up I never got to see it remember I got locked up we'll fucking get to that I got to watch it when I came home Like, what the fuck? It made it?

It was one of those things, George, that when we were shooting it, I remember that they had an after party and they gave me a hotel key and all I wanted to do is get home, cast a check and get a grandma blow. We shot it in San Bernardino, remember? Uh-huh. Yeah, I remember that one. The night after Thanksgiving. Yeah, right.

Right. The night after Thanksgiving, either 2005 or 2006. Now, you were gone when Marilyn Martinez died, correct? Yes, yes. I was incarcerated when she passed away. Wow. You know, George, I never thought I told you that when I went to see her. When she first got diagnosed with the cancer, she went home, and she had a party at the house.

And Montoya was there with a camera taping her. And then by this time, she had lost all the way, George. She had lost like 150 pounds. They took out her stomach. They had taken out a bunch of things, and she's laying on this fucking bed, a hospital bed. room of her house. They cleared out the living room. And she's sitting there, George, and I walk in, and she's Joey, and we started giggling and laughing. I had gone to the hospital at Kaiser to see her. I don't even think I told you about this, George. And I sat next door, and everybody dispersed, you know, little by little people were eating because it was catered, like there was food there. And I was talking to her, how are you feeling now? And she goes, you know, not bad, Joyce. She goes, you know, when I beat this cancer, she goes, if I go back on stage, she goes, I'm not going to be dirty. She goes, no way. Bro, she's like, listen, when I was in the hospital, I had a vision.

God talked to me, and he said that if I go back on stage in one condition, I can't be dirty. Because while you're on this planet, you have to answer to God for everything else, you know. And she started looking at me and, like, dazing, you know? And in this daze, she looked at me. She goes, and she goes, and God looked at me. She looked at me right there when she said God. And she goes, he wants you to stop doing cocaine. Wow.

And I just fucking froze. But she looked at me like with bigger cancer eyes. Cancer eyes, she was very scared of what she was saying. Like, she was scared. Like, she knew she was going to fucking die. They scared her. And she said that to me, bro, and it had to be, I think maybe a week later, I stopped doing blow just from those words.

Between her and what happened with the cat and shit. So, I was. just telling Lee that how you and I were such good friends that we talk once a week and we're like each other's therapist. Yeah. You have saved a lot of comics from getting their ass kicked by me. Oh, I know, because me and you from the old school,

we want to hit somebody with a fucking plywood, but you can't fucking clobber everybody, and that's what, you know, we keep each other same because we're from the same cut. We know that any minute I'll take a fucking window and break it over your fucking head by me. mistake, but you can't be a savage all your life. That doesn't work for everybody all your life.

So, you know, you got out how long, George? I've been out for three and a half years. And I've been telling these guys that in 2009-10, I had nothing going on. I was about to get a job at Friendly, fucking Ford, on Lancashire, and North Hollywood. I was writing a one-man show, and I was going to stay home. I was not going to go on the row with Rogan. I was not going to go on the road with anybody. I was going to go out and auditions, and that's it.

I was going to end this fucking thing. and George came out and started calling me you started putting together within two weeks you had like 10 fucking gigs you know how we do it and it was crazy George because when I got out I was battling myself on who I was

as a person and just you know I was like Danny Green in Cleveland hey no one's going to stop me I'm taking the union and everything I wasn't fucking around and I feel it I feel it

no you've made a splash you got two great rooms You got the Tuesday night room, which was on a bar, whatever, rescue. Bar Rescue. All right. And then you have Wednesday night, which is a fucking great little bar that's a sandwich shop. You've been there with me, Lee? I've been there.

We're going to go next week. We're going to go. Is it next week I'm doing it next Wednesday, the 9th? No, it's 17th because on a 10th for having that autism show. Okay, so I can't do the 17th because I'm going to Miami that night. where they were doing the 24th. What's on tomorrow night? Tomorrow night we got second base and orange

if you want to come down. That's it, no, but what's this Wednesday? This Wednesday's the... You know what you're right? You are there at the night. That's what I'm saying. Who the fuck you think they're dealing with? Some fucking novice and Lysayat's going to come down with the flying Jew.

We're going to get a sandwich. Ooh, the flying Jews is in the building? What's up, George? How would these, sir? It was good, actually. A Jewish guy went out to East or with some friends. It was good. How was yours?

It was good. What did you guys look for? Oh, Hammer or would you guys look for? Oh, oh, for Passover? The Offi-Komen. No, I didn't, my family, I don't have any family out here, so I didn't do any of that. Oh. Look, look at George.

Fucking some Jew joke. I like this. Some Jew material here. No, George. It's funny. When you got out, you really fucking inspired the fuck out of me, and you're doing great things. I know you had a sellout Saturday night at the Irvine Improv for your birthday.

Thank you. Thank you, Joey. And we were just talking about friendship and how the bad people around you could ruin your fucking whole day. You know, they bring negativity on you. You know, we have a lot of people here in the comedy community that everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Okay?

Everybody wants to be a star, but nobody wants to do the work. And they want to piggyback on your shit. They come to you in weird ways And then after a month They can't cover the spread And you gotta feel fucking bad Because you gotta tell a motherfucker To go fuck themselves

You know You're a very hard worker I mean You and I There's like 10 comics that We have to work for everything we got Everything we got There's nothing that you have

I gotta get a hammer And a fucking claw Because my agents is okay Everybody around me is okay But nobody's exceptional And that's my fault For my attitude But at the same time

You know My work ethic is like Georgia's. We don't fucking stop. We don't fucking stop. There's no, I have no vacations. I don't go ski and I don't, and I don't want to. This is the life I fucking chose. And you have to attack it.

You have to attack your life with fucking two hands. I love these people that call you up, especially comics, and they'll ask you, you know, they have nothing going on. And you'll say, well, what are you doing tonight? And they'll tell you how their girlfriend's parents are in town. I shunned that shit.

That's got nothing to do with you. You gotta go do comedy. Then you hung out with your girlfriend's parents. And if you can't do that, then maybe you shouldn't see this fucking woman. You live in L.A. because you have a dream. Your dream. Trump's fucking trumps everything. In my life, your dream trumps fucking everything.

If it doesn't, it's not your fucking dream. It's not your fucking dream. It's not your fucking dream. And we bump in. How many comics have you seen come and go? How many of these motherfuckers come and go? Because they don't have an identity check. They don't know who the fuck they are or what the fuck they are.

They don't want to break out a notebook and say, this is what I want to do, and this is the path that's going to get me there. And then they come here, and they think that because they go have a drink, and they go to acting class, that that's what's going to do it. I've never fucking, I don't network.

I network on stage. And you too, we don't network. What do you think? We go out and drink margarita. Oh, my God. You know, fuck you. There's no networking. Networking, you get on fucking stage,

and you write fucking funny jokes, and you tell them. That's how you network. If you don't have to be there, you don't have to, fucking be there. And that's one guy that understands. This guy, we talk once a week, George and I. Since George has been out three years, he's done movies, TV shows. He just flew him to Chicago to fucking do a movie. Because he don't give a fuck. He don't give a fuck.

On parole. Are you fucking kidding me? Scary shit. Yeah, I went to, I went to like seven states on parole. It was scary than crossing the border just to be a citizen. It was scary, bro. I'm bail. Fresh out of jail, California dreaming. When I step on the stage, I'm hearing Hoochie screaming. What, are you fucking crazy or what? You're like the Mexican fucking Tupac. Fucking motherfuckers.

Now, I know you have an autism benefit tomorrow night, my friend. No, we have autism benefit April 3rd at the Fox Theater on Fullerton. Which is Wednesday night. Yes, sir. Wednesday night, okay. And you got a good lineup and you got yourself, though. But let's talk about you and me, buddy. The other day I was thinking about our conversations on Monday,

If I don't talk to you on Monday, my week ain't right. Me too, brother. If you ain't called me, I've done something. And we talk about the week and what rooms we're doing and what plans we have. And we talk about the scumbags that are around us and how we just got to stay the fuck away from them. And then we give each other love.

And we give each other real love, you know? And it's, I'm very happy that I have you here, George. I know that if something ever goes down, you will call me. And I have no, you know, a lot of friends I'll call. and now, and they'll say, well, I have to tape a show on Tuesday. You're the type of motherfucker that'll say,

what weapon do you want me to bring? A bazooka, a machine gun, a 50 fucking Mexicans. Let me know. Call me right back. So my life is a lot better that you're here. You know, I feel. Thank you.

So is mine. You know, there's no guidance out there, especially coming from another Latin comic that has dealt with every race, every generation of scund bags in the game you have dealt with. and we love you Joey oh I love you guys

I love you guys I always talk I say that you save my life and another motherfucker is that skinny little Martin Rizzo that fucking human disposal kid weighs 80 pounds and he's 80 tacos the fucking day but you know what man

he called me every night and he would say Uncle Joey where are you gonna go tonight I'd say I don't know I don't have nowhere to go and he'd go come to this room they'll let you do eight minutes and I would look at him and go fucking eight minutes but I'd say you know what

it's better than sitting on this fucking couch so these little young guys guys, these little young fucking Latinos got me out of the fucking house to do my shit. So that just goes to show you. You never know what angel is going to fucking show up in your life. You don't know whether it's going to be a Mexican or an Arab with a turbanon. You follow me? Yeah, I feel you.

What else, George? What else is going on, little brother? Lucky much, man. You know, just working on my special as well, trying to hook up with the right people. I took all your advice, and I'm just, you know, putting the pieces together, and the puzzle is starting to get a picture. You know, it's funny because in this country, when you check out of prison, they want you to do disability papers to see if you want to go on disability

and get a check of $600. And when you apply for a job, the first thing on there is that you're a felon. And you have to live with this thing on your forehead. Or you don't. Or you don't. And George and I have never lived under the umbrella of nothing. That's something that happened. I paid my fucking duty society, and it's over, motherfucker.

If you want to judge me by it, judge me by it, you dumb motherfucker. But I also judge you by that shirt you're wearing with a little pocket flap for your fucking pen, you geek fuck. So before you judge me, you Christian motherfucker, you follow me? You know, that's the truth. That's the way I looked at it. I did my time. As soon as I fucking went home and took a shower and got the prison off me, it was over with. Now I became another fucking, I'm going to become, I either had two choices.

I could either do my path and go back to a fucking prison. Tell him, George, or we could do this. Or just follow the program and be a real man. Work, hustle, go out there, do your shit. Like how we do it. Wake up in the morning, drink, smoke half a fucking cigarette, and forget the joke and smoke another half to write it down. You know, I never have beef with nobody.

The other day, I went to the doctor to check my glasses out, my eyeballs, my reading glasses and shit. And I got out of the car, and I put change in a meeting. And as I turned around, I turned around to two fucking 20-year-old kids with a blonde. Two of them had knapsacks on, and the blonde was hot, cute, with little titties. And she was a little dirty, you know, those dirty street kids. And I turned around, and all three of them looking at me, and they go, sir, do you have some chains to spare? And I said, no.

And I looked at them, and I walked three steps. And I turned around, I go, hey, go out and fucking mug somebody. Or have that chick somebody's dick. But for you three fucking mutts to be looking around. I mean, the chick was cute. I would have gave a 10, 15 bucks. suck my dick at lunchtime right in front of the fucking Sunset Grill. Fuck Don Henley

and the Eagles. Fuck that bitch. These two little dumb motherfuckers asking me for change. They got a perfect little blonde there. They could fucking hook to suck dick on sunset. And these, I turned around, I go, hey man, what the fuck? And they looked at me like, what did you just say? I go, you heard what the fuck I just said.

Pimp that bitch or fucking go out and mug somebody. But you two young motherfuckers are too stupid to be wuggy? Can I have changed? Fuck you. At that age? Are you fucking kidding me? At 22, dog, I wouldn't even ask you for fucking change. I would ask you for 100 on the street and look at you serious.

You knew you had to fucking give it to me. Spare some change? Are you fuck? Go get a grandma blow and chop it up 10 ways and cut it with aspirin and go sell it like a fucking man. Go get a gun and mug a fucking 7-Eleven like a man. But you're going to be out here with a hot little blonde. You know, get some change? You fucking dirty little fucking mutt.

Tonight, I stopped over here to get rolling papers at 5.15, there's always some dude with a beard in the fucking wheelchair. I feel like kicking them out of the fucking wheelchair, right in the fucking stomach and saying, get up, you're healed. Get up and get a job. They sit there, give me chains. You have any fucking change? You know what, I got an ATM car. Even if I had chance. Get up, you fucking cock sucker.

I've been locked up and I came out here and took the world by the balls. George Perez gets up every fucking morning. He's Mexican. He says it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. and you're out here with a beard hustling change in a fucking wheelchair. I'm karate chopping the fucking neck. I'm pissed off, George.

I want to kick him in his face. I would keep him in his face, shamed his beard. And you know that they don't need the wheelchair. You know they borrowed it from their aunt that's at home sleeping. And they go to sit there. They park around the corn.

They go to 7-11. They sit in a fucking wheelchair. Motherfuckers. I got a lot of respect for you, George. Yeah, they're lazy, bro. They don't know what's up. I would have took that chick at, I would have put on a hustle and flow

and show her how the game's going to go. I would never ask for change in front of a woman. Period. I would never let a woman see that side of me as a man. I would never. I would rather take a home and fuck her in that dirty pussy with no condom

and be hungry than fucking beg for change in front of a fucking woman guy. That's me. That's a school of thought I fucking came from. So, you know. I'm the same way. Hey, man. That's the reason there's a backseat in your car, you know what I mean? Fuck you.

Suck that helmet. Look at you two young guys. Anything, bro. And I'm not saying to go out and steal. You go out in front of a warehouse and you go, listen, man, I need help for today. I have nothing to eat. I guarantee somebody will put you to work for two hours and give you $10 to get a sandwich. They see the ambition.

But anything, they know you. Anything beats walking around sunset. Hey, man. Can anything change? The fuck is wrong with you, you fucking dirty motherfucker. Especially people with like money asking for money Like come on now you're wearing better shoes than me Get the fuck out of here

What they are they're trust fund kids And they regret it Like they're not that they regret it They make believe they're not trust fund kids You know daddy owns a company that's That's unfair to the community Fuck you be having a good time jumping up and down Going to raves

Eat and ecstasy You'll take daddy's money right Right everybody will take daddy's money Go jump up and down And be cool and wiggle and you like when daddy buys that three convertible But my daddy uses water That Billy Goats drink

I don't give a fuck, all right? There's a fuck about the Billy Goats You know, it's harming the society Yeah, but you like living with those 20s Getting your pole smoke Fucking moron So they walk around Trust me, other than Boulder

Half those kids are trust fund kids They gotta check for 10, 8 grand a month They drive an Audi But they dress dirty They don't take showers You know, I'm gonna budget What budget? You're eating fucking Domino's beach

Your dad sends you $8,000 a month, but you're eating Domnose pizza, you dumb, fucking dummy. And what do you do? You sit here with those dirty feet and those fucking flip-lops on, bad mouth in your country, you miserable piece of shit,

go out there and get a felony or become a victim. Real talk. No, dog, it's Monday morning. Monday mornings I wake up five to fuck up. And I thought about who I could put on the show on Monday morning, and it's you. It's you, because, you know what, George,

you could have tap the fuck out I could have tap the fuck out we could have came out and got a gun and been living like sons of anarchy that's the easy thing I could do that every day I really know I got that that's like doing Joey Karates for me

getting a gun and tricking somebody I could trick anybody out of fucking money I could trick anybody out of fucking money that's my middle name I'll put you together I'll make you dizzy I'll have you giving me 10,000 but I only want two

I'm one of those motherfuckers I'll put you together so much I just need $2,000. I'll give you $10. No, no, no, no, I want to invest. I can give me $20. Now I really got my hooks in you, you dummy.

You know, I bump into so many people that 20 years ago I look at today, no, no, no, no, no, no, sitley. 20 years ago, I look at today and I go, 10 years ago, I would have been pimping your fucking soul out by now. 20 years ago, I'd be fucking drowning that fucking bank account of yours with stories,

snort and coke, taking women out to dinner with your fucking cash every night. That's how lucky you are. I don't get my hands on you, you fucking Momo. How was your Easter, George? How was your family? What's going on? It was good, you know?

I got all my kids. I got three babies' moms, so it was a little hassle. Three babies' moms. You're the last of the real Mohicans, brother. Yeah. Tad Parenthood gave me some Easter baskets. So it was cool, man. I got to show with my mom.

My mom's just beat cancer. I'm happy as hell. And, you know, living like a son. soldier, Joey. Oh, I love it. I love it, Joy. I love when I talk to you on Mondays. It's, uh, you know, you talk to a good week. It's going to be a good week. Yeah, you talk to all these people who are kind of negative and they call you. You never called me bitching about nothing. You always call me with, I got a new room, I got this. I got a movie, Joey, what do I do? A college just called me and they want me to go. Yeah, you remember, I don't know what to do?

Yeah, what do I do? It's, uh, it's great having a friend like you, George, because it's always good it's all good man and I like talking you out of a fucking shotgun blast too I love when you want to spit slap somebody because I get like that on the daily I need guys like like around that I can explain my situation to too this motherfucker with their stupid rooms and they want to hand you 40 bucks and they were it's so weird that sometimes the comedians are criminals that don't know like they're stupid and you have to straighten them out and they get pissed at you after you straighten them out like they'll never call you again because you have to say something to them they're criminals that don't know the law like

There's an honor amongst thieves. As long as you know that, it makes your life easy. Yeah, and they're going to get there, though. We've seen it and all these comics that had all kinds of rooms that were keeping money. Where are they at now? It's true. Where's Mike Robles now? Fuck, Mike Robles.

He didn't put me on that shit. Remember that shit? That guy never said a fuck. Come on. Danny Green on his ad. Danny Green on his dad. That Robles kid never. He never said a funny fucking thing in his life,

and he put these Telemundo people together, give him a show. Yeah. And they launched Gabriel's career. They launched a lot of little careers on there, and he hated me. One night, he gave me a spot of Carolines, and I invited my family. He put me up at 12, 30 at night following a salsa band.

No way. Oh, bro, I ate death, and I never forgave him. Like, I don't even want to like him. He knows he can't even come in a room if I'm in a room. Like, that's how he has it. He knows he can't even come in a room, because he was always a fake comic, and he made a bunch of money off comics.

Then he kept milking the Latin thing. But he was so terrible, he couldn't cover the spread. For two or three years, he lived off with just Puerto Rican associations, flying him in. I'm not kidding you. Fuck. He's Puerto Rican. So a lot of Puerto Rican colleges, like people of colleges.

Puerto Ricans are the Jews of Mexicans? Yeah, they would fucking bring him in to do things that he couldn't cover the spread. Like, I bumped into a college student one time that was like, though, he was the worst comedian ever. He did our student association thing, like some Latin thing. He was horrible. Then he went to Houston

and he started pimping the thing out there, giving away free tickets, and he just killed it. I mean, he beat that dog to the end. They come from Houston and they always go right back. Yep, but the funny thing was, man, that he didn't work on what he had to work on. He was a promoter. He knew how to bullshit people into seats

and he knew how to bullshit the networks. But he didn't work on the most important part of this, which is you've got to work on your comedy. you got to work on your craft and you thought these comedians are going to carry them in and remember them nobody remembers nothing dog you got to work on your I remember being at the sunset room

on a Monday me and you and you kept telling me you need to get up and write you don't have to stay there and write a joke if you don't like it walk away smoke a joint eat a cookie touch the cat and they come back and write the joke tremendous

that's it this is writing every fucking day You know what, man, I can never do the same set twice When I see a comic in September He does the same set in December What is this guy done? What has he lived? Because you should get a joke from material Every fucking day when you're driving

Every driving. Every driving This morning I took a shit It was the biggest shit I ever seen in my life. Big. You know, in the morning, I eat an apple at night sometimes This morning, I didn't even wait for the alarm, George.

I went right to the shitter. You know, when you just go right from the bed, right there. And it was like soft serve. It was like a 44. peach shit. I looked at it in my mind. I'm like when you see a piece of shit like that big you think to yourself if I had to take it in the

ass, it wouldn't be that bad because look at that Pete, you know what I'm saying? Like we're always thinking in a, you're always looking at things from an observant as a comic. You're not looking at the death of it. Like my buddy died last night, I thought of a joke when he died. My best friend ever. One of my best friends ever. But

I know Jimmy Berkler, his white dude I grew up in New Jersey, I took me out of Jersey, brought me to Colorado. I was telling Lee, if this guy wouldn't have taken me out of Jersey in 83, I wouldn't have made it. Like he took me out April 25th of 1983, which was coming on the 30th anniversary this month. If he wouldn't have taken me out of Jersey,

I wouldn't have finished 83. I know that for a fact. I would have never finished 83. I deterred the situation by me leaving. The people didn't think about it. I wasn't in their face anymore. Out of sight, out of mind. And then one day they said, fuck me, small potatoes, what he robbers for 10,000?

Who cares? You follow him? But I had like, eight guys like that that were looking for me. Wow. Eight people, somebody, four of them were stupid, which meant they were going to do something stupid and they would have had to kill me.

Because if they didn't kill me, then me and my friends were going to go back at them, and somebody was going to end up there. So he took me out of there. If you look at the situation, he saved my fucking life that year. So anything I do, I dedicate to him,

you know? So, George, it's, I love you, man. I wanted to have me on the show on Monday. I got some brothers like that, too. You know, they told me when I got out of jail, Hey man, fuck the gang, bang, fuck hanging out with us.

You got a career. You're representing felons now. Let the world know that we can work. Let these fuckers know that we can do it. And I feel blessed every time I have people from prison go to my shows now. They were there Saturday. And I was just like, wow. And they told me, hey, man, you're the only inmate I ever met that did what he said here

was going to do in prison. We were laughing at you. Yeah, you're going to go out and tell jokes, whatever. Look at me. now. And I tell these people, it doesn't matter. You could have your fucking addictions. You could have everything.

So what, bro? You made a fucking mistake. Correct it. Get on your fucking horse. Tell these motherfuckers to suck your dick. You know, George, after I got out of prison and I would fill out job applications, I would never mark the box for felon.

No. Yeah, they don't even look. Now they do. In corporate America, holy fuck. These Christians look for everything now. They even check your Cubs'out records. These motherfuckers now. They're going to get it.

you $8 an hour, forget it. They're going to have to check. It's amazing now. But I'm talking about for years. I didn't fucking mark it. I didn't say nothing because nothing happened. You know, when you're a kid and you throw apples against the wall, your mom either smacks the shit out of you and puts you in a timeout. She don't mention it after that, does she? No. She don't say, well, in 1968, you took your apples and smear them on the couch. Does she? You made a mistake. I didn't fucking know. You got your ass whoops. You didn't move down. So when you get a felony and you get corrected and you do your time and you succeed,

because everybody knows that parole is harder than the fucking time. Sometimes probation is harder than doing time. You do know that. If parole's harder than get into the playoffs in the Lakers right now. Yeah. Hey, George, listen, this is how violate parole. George comes over to my house to eat lunch. Me and George go get a sandwich.

When he gets back, we get pulled over. I got a gun in my car. George is going away, even if it's my gun. Exactly. And he's going to finish his fucking turn. and you know how easy that is to happen? George, tell them how many times it happens. Happens all the time.

It happens all the time. Happens all the time. That's how bad your luck gets. What about this guy last week in Boston that killed somebody in Maine or he went to the city next and he lived there for 30 fucking years? How do you get caught? I don't know.

I know his wife's credit card guard's stolen and he was living under a false last name. I was going to ask you about that. There you go. when you're on the fucking you know when the worst time for something to happen is the best time for something happened when you've already done something with that warrant

jumping and shit like that you go to a hospital they run you right George you go to a hospital fuck yeah that's the first thing they do while you're getting stitched up they're running you in the computer by the time you get out of there there's a fucking handcuff on you

they don't fuck around there's not many things you could do that don't run your name you just don't know that you just don't fucking know that When you sign up for Sprint or whatever, they run your fucking name. And in those days, see, in the 70s and 80s, if I pulled George Perez over, and George had a warrant, let's say, Munoaki, New Jersey, and I pulled them over in Union City at 2 in the morning, I had a call Munaki and having the man to the phone, blah, blah, whatever,

whatever, hit him on the data, like a halfway pseudo-computer for NCIC, whatever. But now, if I pulled George over and he's got a warrant, As soon as I pull them over and say George Perez, that notifying police station, that notifying state gets a fucking alert that they pull George over and whatever. So even if the cop don't want to arrest you, he's got to arrest you.

Do you follow what I'm saying to you? Yeah, because I have to report to my parole that I had contact with an officer. Yeah. It's fucking crazy, man. But the whole moral of this story is that, listen, shit's going to happen in your life. You don't have to carry it like a fucking cross on your back.

Get up, take the fucking cross off, and get out there. You want to mention it, you mention it. You don't want to mention it. You got a fucking second chance at life. But don't blame that for you not wanting to go out there and do what the fuck you're supposed to do. That's the moral of this story on a Monday fucking morning. George Perez, where can they see you in the next couple of weeks?

The next couple of weeks, this Thursday I'm headlining the Ontario Improvs at 8 o'clock. April 13th, I'm headlining the Brea Improvs at 11 o'clock. and I will be everywhere, anywhere, trying to get up. I love you. You got a webpage to go to a Twitter where they can find you, bro? My Twitter's at George Pete Comedy,

Facebook, George Perez. You can just call me. Get my number from, my numbers in every plant-parent-hood restroom. Call me. Sling dick, motherfuck. George Perez, as usual. I love you.

Thank you for Motenvian meeting on a Monday morning, brother, motivating these motherfuckers. I love you, too, brother. I love you, too, brother. He's right here. By George. Everyone goes to see George. He's fucking hilarious.

We're going to go next Wednesday. We'll see... What's the name of it? Roscoe. Roscoe's next Wednesday night in Orange. I love you. Best sandwiches. Best fucking sandwiches.

Also, Fox Theater. This Wednesday, I'm doing a show for autism, man. It's a big thing. Big thing. It's a new disease that we need to tackle. Gone down. They give you a can of tuna

with every fucking ticket. You can eat tuna and make your autism lift to a different fucking level. Right or wrong. We'll talk, buddy. We'll talk. I love you. Okay.

Thank you, Papa. Take care, everybody. Bye, buddy. Bye. He's a good fucking dude. Oh, yeah, I love him. He's a good. I see him every time I go with you down to the Orange County.

He's a good dude, man. And like I said, he keeps me together. He always does. I talk to him and everything's, uh, fuck. What music you got for me, Lee? Something. There we go. Let's some Led Zepplin.

Go ahead. Hit me with a little Led Zepplin. Something, Lee. Oh, it's Monday. Drink that coffee, eat your oatmeal, do some push-ups, cut the hairs. I had a fucking nose hair the other day. Like, I had to put fucking gel on it to calm it down.

Hit it leave. Listen to this bottom fucking roll right here. Right here. Oh, shit. So, yeah, just to finish really quick, Wednesday at the Ice House was great. It was awesome. We did audio recorded it.

That'll be up either today or tomorrow because I think I might put today's up tonight. I don't know, man. Anyways, so yeah, thank you guys for coming. It was awesome. It was really awesome. And we're going to do one again in April or something, the last Wednesday in April. Oh, sweet.

So get your tickets now so you don't miss it. 626-577-1894. I've spoken to Salubats. I've spoken to a couple, Felipe Spars. I've spoken to a couple people about coming up and doing it. And it's a good format. I'll do a few minutes. I'll bring you up.

You do a few minutes. We talk. We bring up the guests, and then we close it up. It's a fucking great show. We might have a strip of the chick might fart in Lee's face next time. Something's got to go down with you, okay? Something, so you pick your poison,

but it's either got a piss in your eyeball. Piss in your eyeball. Pissing your eyeball. You ever have a chick pissing your eyeball? No. It's like vizene. It makes it redder. Anyway.

Listen, this week you've got another chance of starting it out and working your shit out this week. You got another chance. It all starts with a little walk to the post office hitting it like Mike Dolce said him walking home, and you take it from there. the water. Before you start, go to a doctor

to get your blood pressure check. Draw some blood. See what the fuck is really going on if you're healthy enough to even go out there and do jumping jacks. And after that, go to honor.com and start with that. Last night, by the way, I took a new mood. You're looking at me? I'm all fired up today. I've been taking new moods the last couple of nights. Because like I said, anybody who takes new moods every day after a while, your body becomes whatever to it. It becomes the costum, so the effects. So I space everything out.

I take a little fucking fish caps I take them every day I take my joints and my blood pressure keeps it low go to honor dot com listen they got a couple things on there a couple things that you might agree with

whatever I understand but that fucking strong bone I cannot talk more about it I cannot talk more about it the new mood is fucking tremendous and the shroom tech you know what except for the fucking ear infection

I had this year and that was from flying with the water from the pool in my ear I would have been fine. And that's because we didn't fucking... Listen, I didn't smoke a lot out of the circle. I drank a lot of water. But I didn't have flusia.

We didn't really get fucking flusia. You took the shroom tech. I took the fucking shroom tech. Listen, people, go there. Even if it's the shroom tech just for your immune system. Start with that. I know it's a little...

It might be $2 more than what you usually buy. But you're hanging out with Uncle Joey and we're taking this together. You got a prom. You got diarrhea. You hit me up. Joey, what the fuck? And I'll tell you to get some emotium.

Lee hasn't shit in like four fucking days. He's ready to go. Lee, one time when I was in high school, I never forget this, I was like a sophomore in high school. Before my mother died, I was a freshman. Okay.

And something happened. I didn't take the shit for like a week. I didn't tell nobody. In those days, I wouldn't tell nothing about medical conditions. That's how fucking crazy I was. I hated doctors that much. When I was spitting blood with my lung infection

with the paraquot from the government's brain on the fucking weed, yeah. I didn't tell my mother. My mother found out to a third fucking point. party who I was playing basketball and they swall the blood and they told their parent and their parent called my parent. I was solid. I didn't want it.

I'd rather die than go to a fucking doctor. I'm not kidding you. Yeah. So I had this pain in my stomach and I had a fucking, I never forget that we played East Orange in the Christmas tournament. Freshman year we lost them. They intimidated us. They flipped the bus over.

It was fucking horrible. So we had us sit in the varsity bus and wait for a freshman bus to come get us. Okay. So we're sitting this bus with no fucking heat in November because we couldn't even sit in the arena that we're going to kill us. This is East Army in the old fucking days. This is way before Nauty by nature and OPP. This is when black people met fucking business

at East Army. You understand me? So we're there and we're in the thing. So it's the freshman Chileers, the coaches and the freshman basketball team. And I decide I got to take a shit now. But before you take a shit, the first thing that happens is you start ripping those pre-shit far.

Oh, yeah. That they're fucking horrendous. They're just horrendous. It's like the root of the shit comes out first, then you run up the bathroom and you shit your pants, one of those things. I remember I blew two of those. Until this day, I'll never forget the chiliers with their heads out the window. Going, stop, stop. I blew one that lasted like 30 minutes, and then it stopped,

and then like the next 15 minutes, I blew another one, and one of the chiliers was growing. You made her cry? It was horrible. Like, I remember going home and sniffing my underwear. It was like a filter, because when you're 14, we do all that. disgusting shit. I didn't shit my pants, but it was like a tea. It was like a coffee filter. It was kind of yellowish in that area where the filter came out. It smelled so bad. It was like my stomach had blown. I went home. I don't even know what happened. I think I shit for 14 fucking hours.

I don't know what the fuck happened. Yeah, I've been popping fiber pills. I'm going to take some. I'm going to eat some. I'm going to eat some. I'm going to eat them. I've been to eat them. I've been like three days. Just go buy a bag of apples and just keep it. I have some here. I have like four apples. I'm going to eat them just right now. I leave. Just start eating apples and going to go and going to go and go and. and finger bang your muffling and jiggle it. Like, you ever stick a key in the thing and it won't open it? You got to jiggle. It's the same thing with your assholes. You know, you've been drinking juice for fucking four weeks. What do you expect?

You know, now you're eating like a rat. So I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Yeah. You know, I love you either way. I just want you to be healthy. We can both be healthy. I got to go for a blood test. I got to go for a hearing and exam.

I'm doing it all, Lee. Oh, shit. This way you've got to get insurance because it's like that. What am I going to do? It's $25 a pop. I'd rather be safe and sorry. Oh, yeah, of course. Once you hit 50, I'm going for a fucking blood every six month.

I got a guy here on Twitter that is making me a diet. Oh, sweet. So, you know, just a regular shit that I like to eat. Shit that I like to eat, not shit that I don't like to eat. I don't want to, you know, I'm like you. I don't, you know, that speech you made got me, but it didn't get me that day because I understand where you're coming from. That's why I went to weight watches. Yeah.

Because I got to eat what I want to eat. For a long time, you're on another diet. That's the, I mean, good diet. Yeah. Where they ship you the food. Was the food any goodly? For about a week, and then it was awful. The breakfasts were okay, but everything else was garbage.

What were the breakfasts is like? Like, they were bars. That's why they were okay. Like bars and some muffins. But they sent it to you, and they sent you 28 days worth of breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. The amount of stuff they have to put to preserve it, and, like, the tomato sauce is gross. But it's been crazy. I haven't eaten out at all.

I have a full fridge full of food, which I've never had. and it's weird, it's exciting, and now it's a journey. I'm probably, this is my girl, M.B. Leaf Girl, looking good on fucking Monday morning, you filthy savage. It's nice. It's nice when you get to take care of yourself. I wish I would have taken care of myself better. When I was your age, I was eating salami, like it was going on the style. I would eat a pack of oscarmi, salami with lettuce, and thought that was healthy. Jesus.

So I would take a head of lettuce, cut it up into a salad, an onion. Yeah. Take salami, cut the whole thing, Oscar mine, I like this much. And then put it in the salad, mix it up, and put fucking vinegar and oil, I eat the whole fucking thing. Oh, geez.

Disgusting. Dispicable. And that's it, Lee. What else you got going on? What do we got going on? Talk to these people. We're going to do a podcast Wednesday. Okay.

You're going to put one up today? Yeah, I'll put this one up today. I'll put the other one up tomorrow. I got a special basketball edition. Wednesday. It's not college basketball. It's one of my favorite players. And I call in.

What else? the South Beach Comedy Festival, April 19th, West Palm, fucking Napalm, Fort Lauderdale, and immediate areas. Get your shit together. Tickets are going fucking fast.

Go to the web link down there. South Beach Comedy Festival. I don't know if it's dot com. Just type in South Beach. Well, just go to Joey Diaz.net. That's right. But you can't get tickets to that. So joydea's.net is for everything else in our life,

all right? If you want to help out the podcast, a lot of people, go to Joey Deas. Net, go to merchandise, and get yourself a long-sleeved. or what's happening now t-shirt with the flying Jew insignia on the sleeve we got short-sleeved t-shirts we got

hoodies jr's down there making it happen I'm gonna have him call the podcast one of these days we're gonna talk shirts you know we got a bunch of dates coming up in May I got Austin Texas Arizona and motherfucking Long Island Oh shit yeah and it is South Beach comedy festival dot combeach Comedy Festival dot com We'll get tickets Friday night 8 o'clock

If we sell out which we are going to we're gonna add a second show Banana Bread Blow Hero Heroin fucking everything everything I'm doing Ari's special storyteller show April 9th

at the Cheetah on Hollywood the strip club that's the dirtiest fucking strip club in Hollywood I went in there one time to pick up a grandma blow it was fucking it's dark in there

Jesus you could smell the chlamydia they serve it at the bar you follow me serving the move for chlamydia or any other venereal diseases come on down April fucking 9th

and get yours besides that what we got going on this week I already asked you you got no fuck out on it.com And that's it, you bad motherfuckers. As always, thank you very much

in the bottom of my heart for fucking twit with me and being my friend and fucking around on Facebook and coming to the shows. We didn't put a video up this week because we really had to have a video. But if I do stand up this week, I'm going out tonight to do a couple rooms, so I'll bring Lee and we'll fucking do some videos

and all that shit. Lee's going to send Testicle Testament 5 out. And that's it. I love you guys with all my heart. I do this podcast, so you start the morning off or your fucking day or your night. correctly, you bad motherfuckers. Get out there.

Stab a motherfucker in the throat. I love you. Stay black. What do you got for me, leave him? I'll just finish up Achilles' last end. All right. Hit it. I have a great fucking day. I'm star. I gotta stop doing this.

I can't keep living like this, Lee. You can't keep encouraging me, making me smoke pop, Nick. I'm sorry. I'm a bad influence. You're a bad Jew. You're like punches pilot.