The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 04/03/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #68

Episode Date: April 4, 2013

Famed guest Danny B calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Streamed live on 04/03/2013.

Oh shit. Oh shit Wednesday, April the 3rd. The year is 2013. A little fucking sober for you. That song's a fucking lie because I'm over here smoking dope like I invented it. You know what I'm saying? Oh shit. Kick a leak.

Uh-oh. Here you go, motherfuckers. Get up. Drink that coffee, eat that oatmeal. There's an apple there that's waiting. Lonely as a motherfucker. Eat that. And get out there.

I'm just going to spark this next joint right off this fucking other one. We're going to caddy shack this motherfucker. Oh shit. It's a beautiful day to be alive. The Lord put you on this planet. Get up, go out there and fucking stab somebody, do something. Who told you to turn the music off of me?

Church of what's happening now? Lee Syatt, aka the Flying Jew. Looking beautiful. Look at him. Emerson's shirt on. I haven't worn this since I was a freshman there, so it's exciting. Can't believe we forgot a lighter today. That is kind of impressive, though.

It's letting a joint off another joint. I can never do that. Because you want a wee blow, cock sucker. That's what? I was a weeblow. I went until it became Boy Scouts. I was there for a year and I got a little creepy so I stopped. What do you mean creepy? So we've tried them. I never understood and I'm sure most of them are nice, but it's just like people who like are doing that stuff and and like not all of them, but some of like I got some weird vibes from like some of like the like the guys they'll teach girls softball. It seems kind of weird to me a little bit. I mean, I'm sure 95% of them are fine,

but just stuff like that kind of cream me out a little bit. You can always tell. They do get a little too into it. Yeah. That's what I don't like that shit. They got that look like they never really got older. Like just a fatal. They look like what Benjamin Buttons?

Yeah. Pervert. Fucking Benjamin Button is going to fuck you in the ass and the button. It's Wednesday. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. Get up there. We had a very interesting Monday night. It's funny because sometimes me and Lee Hang

and it's fucking hysterical. show Lee, you know, what I see, why I have the fucking thing on my mind. I'm fucking stoned. Oh, really? I like it. And as usual, this podcast is always sponsored by on it. And I even call it sponsored. They're my buddies.

I like the products that they fucking sell. I like how I feel the fucking new mood. Excuse me. I like the alpha brain. I like the strong bone if you're a fat fuck. And I like the hemp protein. This morning I made a banana shake with the chocolate hemp protein. Oh, that must have been good.

Little milk. Fuck, I'm bumbo. I'm off. farting it's clean I'm ready to go I mean I don't like eat when I get over here I gotta leave the house by 530 20 to 6 I don't have time to make eggs I'm not that hungry yeah I'm not that hungry when I get up you have the same problem yeah I have to smoke 52 bong hits and you know I think it's because you I mean for me like I when you get up and you go that's I've never been hungry so when I wake up

and go to work I don't get hungry until like lunch oh no no I got to eat something on the path when I was a kid I could get up and do that and I found that's not really good for you oh it's awful for you. So I usually try to get up. Before I leave the house, I put something in, because if I start driving and get car sick

and my blood sugar goes low, it's going to be out of a fucking day. Oh, yeah. I've been doing... I've been having breakfast every day, like my girl who's been staying with me, said it looks like a magazine. Like I had like scrambled eggs, toast,

and an apple, and I've been trying to do that. And I don't know. I've been... You look good. You're taking care of yourself. You're being a better friend to yourself. That's a beautiful thing.

thing when you're 24. I didn't do that. Yeah, I'm trying. That's why you got to do it. You're looking sharp. Let me see. Wiggle for Uncle Joe. Oh shit. Wiggle with no music. Oh, shit. You got to wiggle with no music anyway. You should have the music just playing in your fucking head. Speaking of music in your head, we went out Monday night. It's hysterical. It's hysterical.

There was a couple things that fucked me up about that night. Two, number one, we went to the happy endings to go do comedy. And I got down and I waited for a long time and had a spot somewhere else or had to leave. but it was funny how we sat there, Lee and I got a salad and I was drinking di-cook We got a little makers mark We likes the whiskey

I do And we're watching this karaoke And that was creepy That was fucking creepy That was my first time seeing karaoke And I didn't even like look at them Like I was sitting with my back To the stage area

And I was just looking at you Because you like With every person who came up Up until the two girls Who sang that Keshe's song Like your face just like when like when like blank and you just sort of shaking your head

I never saw something like that like that in my life but the click that came down like they had some skinny guy that you could tell was a fucking mortovan like that warmed over with these jeans and these white shoes that were fucking beat up and a t-shirt and a white vest

made out of mink and he had like his like a George Michael beard like everything was perfect I can't stand those fucking guys and he was in that karaoke scene and you know what they had some hot fucking chicks how hot with those chick

the little chick with a dresser and they're wasting their time with these karaoke guys who are fucking goofy retards getting away they're up there singing bad music and me and Lee there was one chick that sang a song it was so fucking bad it was so bad she looked like the mother and

Carrie like creepy lady like that and even the guy she was with kept looking at the football like the basketball game but he didn't want to look at it it was it's something that uh but this was a Hollywood karaoke guys, so I'm very sorry. Let's blend this down for you. If you go to Michigan and I go to

fucking Grand Rapids and there's a karaoke, it's regular kinfolk, just singing, having a good time. Yeah. You ever just do that, go fucking sign up? You know, I started comedy and karaoke. Comedy and karaoke, when I was starting, came hand in hand because I started in Boulder and there wasn't a lot of stand-up.

Oh, okay. So I would go to karaoke and have to sing a song, and then the next one take the mic and start doing material and the guy would get piss and throw me out of there and I did that in Jersey I did that in Colorado I did that in Seattle I did that in New Jersey I would go to karaoke and take over a karaoke show that's hilarious so when you go to those places

they do it for fun people we drink we fucking smoke a two toots we snook a fucking bang a blast and we go get three beers and we sing I will love you by Whitney Houston we get fucked up these people were singing it with the hopes that there was somebody in in the audience to discover them. Yeah, that creepy girl was doing that

Christine Aguilera thing where they would go up and down with the words that it didn't need to do. It was fucking atrocious. But the story of the night that night that really fucked with me was the bartender. Oh, yeah, you told me about that. Okay, when I walked in there, we went upstairs, checked in,

walked back downstairs. And this is a very interesting story. Walked back downstairs, and we sat at the bar and I went to look around the bar. And some girl was like, Joey, and I go, what the fuck, cat? I had seen her, and she was a beautiful girl that I was friends with as a stand-up comic in Chicago 10 years ago

when I used to work this club on the south side. Oh, I didn't know you met her there. You didn't meet her out here. So we became friends Friday and Saturday. After you did comedy at this place, you sat around the back and you drank with the waitresses and the bar staff and a couple people who let to stay. I'd get a gram a blow and talk to him.

That girl didn't do blow or nothing. I'm just saying. And I would talk to them and then go back to my hotel room, look out windows, or whatever the fuck I would do. but what was very interesting was her and I became friends. She wanted to act. Listen, guys, I was 40 fucking two.

All fucked up, and she was 20-something at the time. I wouldn't hit on her. We would go to lunch at steak and shake. Right? And we'd get like a vanilla shake, and we'd talk about acting and what she did. And then one day she bust out a movie with Mariah Carey's boyfriend.

Nick Cannon, yeah. Nick Cannon. And in the movie, she has to kiss Nick Cannon. Okay. So what we had spoken about, We would meet and talk about, like, make notes. Listen, man, as a stand-up comic, you move here, and you're a stand-up comic, and that's great. You learn how to cover the spread as a stand-up comic.

Somebody once told me to get into acting class, so I went to a Vanek Chubbock acting class, which is one of the premier acting classes. It's where the black chick went before she won the Oscar. Hallie Berry? Holly Berry, and the tall white chick went before she won the Oscar. Tall one that's really hot right now. I did a skit dancing on the Oscars. She played in that movie with Markey Walberg where they robbed the fucking guy.

Real pretty. Is it Uma Thurman or Shalise Duran? Shalise Duran. So Shalise Duran thanked her and the black chick thanked the Van der Chubbin. And Thursday night's class is the heavy-duty class. That's where you go and there's agents there. You have to work yourself up to that class. So you take a beginner class and they move you to an intermediate class.

And the master class is Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday being the premier class. Okay. You know, you go there and see models in there, supermodels. You'd see the guy from Sex and the City on Thursday night, and they let you do scenes. But you know what? It really doesn't matter. Because I'm the motherfucker in the morning class that's working anyway. You follow me?

Yeah. So that was what they trained yourself. But that's not what we're talking about here today. So I meet this girl and we're talking. I go, listen, when you go to L.A., go to Y, go to Yvada Chavez. She specializes in women. And you go, like, Joey, why? Because she breaks a woman down.

She makes you get naked in front of the class and do a scene. People you've never known before. It's fucking creepy. Jesus. But she makes a woman get out of her skin, get out of herself. Okay. So that's why those women are tougher and fucking nails. So I told her, she does this movie.

Kisses Nick Cannon is an extra in the fucking movie. And one of the young producers is blowing smoke up around. She needs to move out here. She needs to live in Hollywood. She doesn't need acting class. She needs $2,000 head shots. Now this chick was selling real. estate and she was a waitress

in Chicago. Okay. She moves out here and she calls me up one day. That's when I used to hang out in front of that gym. We were the other end of that. Oh, okay. And Justin Fortes' gym. I meet her there. There used to be a cafe right next door. I took it to the cafe.

We're sitting there and she's fucking insulting me. She goes, you know, I talked to my producer friend on that movie. And he said that you were wrong. That I shouldn't go to an acting class. And I'm like, what?

And C. I go, you've never done anything before. Yeah. You know, you've never done anything. At least when you're a comedian, you've done shit, you've been on sets, you've seen what happened. This chick's like, I'm not going to be an extra, but I'm not going to acting class. And you know me, I don't give a fuck what you do. Yeah.

She's like, you know, I think you're doing it wrong out here. She goes, you're doing it wrong. She goes, me and this guy worked out of plan where I don't have to do acting classes. And she goes, it's more about. networking networking going to clubs and talking to people having this photographer had shot me and all this shit and I'm looking at her going wow okay you know if you don't think if you don't think I'm fucking wrong you know I never saw her again she was moving into an apartment on bullshit boulevard that you had a rent like as a community okay and you had to share like the gym and something else but you also had to share a theater

so if you were in a movie your friends could come over and scream the film. You know what I'm saying? Like, this is how crazy this girl got. And for people who don't know, Wilster Boulevard is one of the fanciest, like... Boulevard. Yeah. And it was like, you know, when you move out here, guys, when you first move out of here, what can you rent be? I mean, it's a one bedroom or a two bedroom you share with somebody. It's like 500 if you share an apartment. Yeah. This guy talked, this dummy into laying down $2,200. Now, there's two types of women in this town. There's no, or there's two types of guy. If I want to fuck you,

I'm going to tell you. Listen, I like your fucking pussy. We're going to know before you fly out of here and shit. But there are these dudes that come onto you as your friend, and you know at the end, they just want to fuck you. Yeah. You know, just say it. Get out of the way.

I kept saying, are you fucking this guy? She's like, no, he hasn't even tried. He's a sweetheart. Well, sure enough. You know, and you don't know what to do. That's why you don't get involved with those guys ladies because if you fuck him, you're wrong, and if you don't fuck him, you're fucking wrong.

Damn if you do, damn if you don't. Yeah. And these guys will tell you whatever. You're beautiful. you're going to make it out here, they're just going to blow fucking smoke out your ass. You know, I looked at this girl as a young fucking girl. After that day, I got up, went back to the gym,

and I didn't even thought of her no more. Yeah. Like, I was like, here we go. You know, because I've lived through a million of those. Oh, yeah, they have to come every day. I've lived through a million people who've come in with a fucking credit card and a smile and they have all the answers,

and they fucking blast off. And with me, it's always been hard work. And staying on base. The other day I watch Moneyball. And the most important thing about your life after a certain age in your career is staying on base. You're on first base for a while, but at least you're on fucking base. Yeah. And you're threatening to steal, and you get the second.

There's nothing like not having anything going on in this town. Yeah. People have nothing going on. It's a mind-fucked because they depend on this guy or they wrote a script between three guys. Listen, 10 years ago, I fucked up. I should have wrote a script for television. I would have been on television right now because people don't write from me. But I didn't.

And that's not the point. The point is that four years ago, I decided that I wasn't going to wait on anybody for help anymore. Yeah. The agents weren't going to help me. Nobody's going to help me. I had to write my own material. I had to get up in the morning and email people.

And a lot of people don't like my style of business. But I don't give a fuck. A lot of casting. There's been about two casting people in the last 15 years. I've contacted me and said, you're not supposed to contact me as an actor. And I replied, my job is to end your job. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? My job is to end your job. I knew right now if I had to look for 50 fucking people for a TV show and look through breakdowns and all this shit, but you came to me with three people to save me. I would appreciate that. Yeah, it must be kind of really because I go, I mean, mine is a little weird. I work for a few months and I have to look for a new job.

It must be kind of weird. Like, you work maybe for a day or two, and you can't even, you can kind of go look for a job, but your agent is supposed to be the one doing it. So you're just kind of sitting around waiting. Right. So your agent, you call your agent on Tuesday or Monday and ask them what's going on. And he'll say, oh, there was a part coming on on this.

There's a part coming out on community. And there's a part on this for you. That's fine and fucking dandy. I decided to do it a different way. I got what's called the breakdowns. The breakdowns is the same thing the agents get, which is a hand job of what's going on in this town. When I moved here, the breakdowns were the Bible. There were 200 pages a day.

Jesus. And that was just for theatrical. And then those breakdowns, you had ads, you had, you had, you know, education for actors, you had stuff that was going on, so it wasn't all breakdowns. So the breakdowns are basically this. Lee's doing a movie,

The Adventures of the Flying Jew. He's going to be the lead, but he needs a co-star. Then he needs the characters in the movie. They don't say Lee Syatt, 28 to 32, chubby little Jewish guy, you know, whatever recurring role,

whatever the fuck it says, and then they send you in. The agency's that calls up and says, I have a guy that fits that, send me his headshot, and then they call you the fuck in. That's the traditional way. And then you go,

to producers. I figured out a different way. With TV, you never know. With TV, it's every three days that they're looking for a role, so you can't stand it. But for a film, I would get the breakdown, okay?

I would get the role that I wanted. Let's say it was a mafia movie. Okay. All right, let's break it down to the longest yard. Oh, I was just going to say that, yeah. Okay, let's break it down to the longest yard. I get the call for the longest yard.

Now, the longest shot isn't really that fair because the longest yard was a lead. Okay, so let me tell you what I'm trying to do here. I pick a role that's big, and I pick a roll that's small. That's really me at the time. Okay. I pick a roll that's a little big.

You go to a fucking steak house. There's a 12-ounce steak. There's a 20-ounce steak. The 12-ounce steak, you've had 15 times, and it's comfortable. But tonight you're going to eat the 20-ounce steak for some reason or not. But you've got to have it there. Yeah. The thought of you having it there.

So what I would do is take the breakdowns, take two rolls that I'm right for, one big or one small, and get the sides from an agent. A different agent friend of mine that was a lit department somewhere and say, hey, do you have the script for the Flying Jew, the Out-Oautobiography? He'll email it to me, and then I'll read the rows, and then what I would do is take the pages out of the script that has his roles, and I would bring that scene to life by myself.

So I would call you up, Lee, and put the camera in front of you, and you'd put it on me, and I'd do the scene. Yeah. And then after that, I'd say, oh, my name is Joey Cocoa Deas, and I put an audition tape together, and I found that way the fuck you lurked, and I sent you the tape overnight. That's a hustle move.

Yeah. That's a move that only you can put together Somebody told me about it and I did it A lot of people wouldn't do that But that's how I got the longest yard And that's how I got Spider-Man too And that's how I got the other one I fucking with Denzel That's how you get these movies

My job is to end your job of searching Yeah So that's what I do Because otherwise you're sitting around the coffee bean And just waiting for somebody else to make a move I want to know what the fuck's going on You know a lot of times yeah It's great to do spots at the improv

Or the Laugh Factory or fucking It's great or a comedy store Me? I go down in the Mexican rooms and the black rooms. Why? Because I want to have my heartbeat on the pulse of what the fuck's really going on. Okay. I want to know what's going on. I don't want to just dabble in. I want to know what the fuck's really going on.

If you're going to do this. If you're going to be a plumber, you want to know what the fuck's going on. If you want to be a scientist, you got to know what the fuck's going on. I don't candy coat my comedy. I go to hell hoes. Because Monday, I mean, you knew the guy and it was nice for you to be there. But in reality, you didn't have to. It's not like you.

It's like an open mic it seemed like or something. It's practice. Yeah. It's practice. It's going up against different fucking faces. When you're a quarterback, you've got to go up against different defenses and call audibles. Audible is when you make the decision there. They make a big deal about, oh, my God, that guy can just call an audible.

Oh, my God. You're supposed to call fucking audibles every day in your fucking life. You've been playing it for 30 years every day. You're driving down the fucking street, and you see a dead fucking car two miles up as you're looking. You see a bunch of idiots sitting there. You're going to fucking hook that left and get the fuck out of there to make your life easier. that's an audible. You just made a fucking choice.

You follow me? A lot of people, oh, my Godrelly did an audible. What's wrong with you? We do audibles, it's a decision. It's a decision that the line of fucking scrimmage

where it's just a decision that the line of do a fucking die. You got to make the call. You can't call mommy. You can't call daddy. You can't call Uncle Joey. You got to make the decision. And that's what that is.

That's why I go to those rooms so I can face different fucking type of people. You know, when I go to a Mexican room Thursday night at 10 o'clock, Half of those people are unblow. They're walking in and out. I got to work for my fucking comedy.

You think they have music and lights, and you come up dancing and shit. No, it's a pool table behind you. You follow me? So you have to make it. A lot of people refuse to go down there. The comedy store is a very hard place to do comedy. Not everybody goes to the comedy store.

You ever noticed that? Oh, yeah, of course. People go to the improv and the Laugh Factory. The comedy store is very fucking dark, so a lot of people won't go to the fucking comedy store. It's just dark in there. Your spots are always late. You know?

I went through something where I had a boss that was a shitty boss. It's awful. I wanted to quit every day. But ever since I went to a new job, bosses don't seem as bad. So I've heard that about the comedy store that it might talk and you might be making no money or whatever. But when you go to the improv, you're ready for it. It's like it doesn't scare you. You're ready.

You know, I always say to myself that nobody can fucking scare me because I've done comedy in Buffalo. or the halftime of the saber game. That's as tough as your life's going to get. Tell you how tough your life is going to get today, Cocksucker. I'm going to show you people something. Because what we do here in the church, what's happening on, I'll keep you on trends and what's crack and lacking.

We've introduced you to banana bread, vapor pens. What else, Lee? Well, fucking bang bars across the country. Auntie Dolores. This is the hottest thing going right now. Cheebo Chew's, okay? I was hoping you were too high and forgotten. I didn't fucking forget, forget.

I never forget. I'm like, A, Blankin. You see that? These are called Cheebo Chews. I don't know how many milligrams do you have people But these are double dose for the whole thing So I'm going to give you the wing You guys are all going to judge

I'm going to give them I'm going to eat the other one and a half No Because that's how I fucking roll Alright That's how I fucking roll This is how strong these Cheebichu's are Can you see them

Booyah It's a fucking It's a Chebo choose Looks like one of those now and later things Starburst A couple of numbers The Indica for them get creative If I puke again I swear to God

Bro, come on. Who takes care of you like me, cock-sucker? You say that, and then you call four hours later laughing your head off. You're crazy. And I'm sitting in the corner trying not to throw up. Because you think about it. You got to go out and move, you're fucking got to get some son. I don't know how you move with that stuff. I have to like... You fucking move.

I jump in bed and I hope for the best. You're going to sit there like a fucking mama-looker the age. It's Wednesday. Play some fucking music for these people while I am roll this. This is like getting into a 14-year-olds fucking under. When are you in the eighth grade? You try to bang your name. You're going to go through the vault of fucking debt ticket to her panties, but this is tremendous.

Look at this. It's a fucking tucci roll. Oh, shit. That's all this is. It's a tucci roll. That's all that is. Look, I'm going to cut a little tiny piecefully because this is how your brother loves you. Look at it.

Look at it. Look at that. All right, I'm going to throw some music on. Hurry up. Oh, shit. Little Barry motherfucking wife. Look at Lee. I want no shit, Lee.

He's it. No, I'm going to have it. Eat it. I'm fucking back little. Look, I eat the whole thing. I'll fucking kill you. Eat it. Don't go away. Listen, Lee, if you don't eat the whole time, I'm making the pieces of this one. Popper. Come on, it's small. We ain't going to do that in there. God damn it. Come on. We'll stab you. Come on.

Oh. That's the shit right there. Oh, shit. Put that a lot of for Joey. Come on, dude. Come on, dude. It's Wednesday, this motherfucker, big black fat with a ponytail and still busting out songs and slinging dick. Oh shit, kick that, Lee. Little wiggle, fun with you all. He'll do it because he's 500 pounds.

Leave your ass, will suck your toes. You don't give a fuck. It's Wednesday. Get up. Wash that helmet. Wash that helmet soldier. Come on, Lee. Look at Lee.

He's stressing out. Blast that motherfucker, Lee. Very white. Get up, motherfucker. We got one more Cheebo chew left. Will we eat it? No. Life will tell you. Look, you got a little struck the son of bone for us, too. Please. Please. Leave the music on. I'll just talk over the music and fuck with these people. It's Wednesday, cock suckers.

I got my main man, Danny Caldillo calling. He's a kid that I watched the sizzle, motherfucking basketball nets, went on to be the top leading score in the nation at Seton Hall. He was one of my idols growing up I'm with his brother And if you guys have been paying attention Thank God to my main man John Arena

Who uh He also read personal foul Listen to uh Tim Donahe On the fucking podcast When he was talking about the favoritism In his book Well if anybody who knows

He was alive about the Laker game With Kobe and all that shit I got Danny Bianculo Call in on the later on the half spot I want to give some shoutouts To some bad motherfuckers To pursue it podcast Death Squad

Nashville for helping me out this weekend Chris Arnold And the MMA die hard You know I got all you motherfuckers Bryce I got fucking As a hensworth You know

I got everybody I love you motherfuckers All I want is the best for you cock suckers That's it I don't know what the fuck This is what I got to deal with He went to I forgot to lie this morning

I got here early Shit went down And I forgot the fucking light up But we got three joints to smoke The show don't end Until these fucking bazookas go down Look at the size of this monster here than my fake cigarettes. I don't know what. I can't even be international this morning.

I should have stopped and bought one, but I did. I was fucking early. I can't even be an international like make them believe I've been to Europe and all this shit to fucking fuse. But hey, what are you going to do? It's Wednesday. I'm going to be a nationalized zanis. Saturday, 9, 1115. I'm just dropping in. I'm staying closed by. What do you do? You mock this whole... Margu. I'm like a habit of putting lighting joints off my stomach. Oh, what's the music week? He was just about to throw heat.

Where you go? You got to smoke some of this day. I've had enough. Two joints and that thing, I'm going to sleep for the rest of the day now. Two joints. Let's just second joint. You're fucking me up. You're making you.

You had me there. I don't think if I was doing three. I thought I rolled two when there was one here. So we were talking about that bartender in Hollywood and living here. Listen, the most important thing about living here that I seem to. do don't ask me how because I had horrible years in 2008 and 2007 2009 was but I still shot movies and television shows and I still did stander I still stayed relevant I still stayed in the game you know when I walked in there that night and I sat down and seen her bartend I was

crushed and happy at the same time well were you happy where you like kind of like felt like you were not I don't like proved it proved you hurt yourself right happy because I proved her wrong. Here she is fucking bartending. You just became a statistic. And the fiancé is an aspiring filmmaking. He's a fucking bartender so he could suck my dick to him. Listen, man, I had a job here for three fucking months.

And once I quit the fucking job, I went for it. That's it. You come here to get a little job for a little while. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about these actors that come up. And the reason why they have the job is a fucking safety net. I don't like a fucking job when you're trying to do something. It's like people get a commissioned job. You get a commissioned job because

you don't want a ceiling over your fucking income. You want to be able to say, you know what, today, Joey, I feel like making $5,000, and I'm not going to go home until I make $5,000. A lot of people settle for a job that pays by the hour and it's got great benefits. Every once in a while you've got to walk on a fucking tightrope.

You're living with your mother. You've got nothing to fucking lose. Get a commission job. Learn how to sell from your fucking stomach. Learn how to go, wow, I fucked around Monday through Thursday. If I only get paid today, I got to sell something. Somebody's got to pay for me to get up this morning and fucking go to work. Now, when you said when you were, when

send out when you contact the casting directors, you had a couple of them that didn't like it. Are there more people that appreciated it than didn't like it? Yes. There's more people that didn't tell me directly, but I could see that they still call me in.

They still call me in for different projects. John Papsedara, the chick who books it's always sunny in Philadelphia and sons of anarchy. Wendy O'Brien should put me in Longest Yard. I mean, Lorna Johnson, who the other day some guy called me. We're talking about Lorna Johnson. She put me in five fucking television shows when you're five projects.

She put me like in three movies or a TV show. Yeah. And because you were saying something the other day. I don't think we were talking. It was talking kind of about it, but not this time. Was you said, if they cast the wrong person, it looks bad for the actor, but it also looks bad for the casting director because they, they fucked up. So if you send them in and they take a chance on you and you do a good job, why are

they going to spend 10 hours looking at people they know who aren't going to do it? My job is to end your job. It's funny, even with stand-up comedy. You know what my formula was to book myself as a stand-up comedy five, six years ago? What? I would call comedy club owners and say hello. And when they would ask me, do you want a week here? I would go, no.

I'm just calling you to check in with you. It would drive them crazy because at that time I didn't really want to go on the road. I was making money here doing whatever my fuck I had. Okay. You know, I don't know. I'm very proud that I came. out here and I did something every year so I wouldn't have to get a day job and if you ask me what I did I don't know what I did you know no I just know that I paid

fucking attention yeah you have to pay attention on every fucking job you have doing this podcast makes me a way better stand-up comic did you know that way it makes me a way better person a stand-up comic when I was walking down the stairs this morning it was 532 in the morning. And I'm going to do a podcast with a friend of mine who doesn't mind, but we don't get a check at the end of the week for this. And we did this in the beginning

and a lot of people don't take this kind of chance in the country. A lot of people say, I wouldn't do that. I can't do that unless I'm working. And by doing something like this for three or four months and taking a knock and eating a subway sandwich and when you want a steak,

it's like putting money in the bank and you get the revenue later. It's like punching in for something that you get paid on later. And I've always admired that about people. There's a lot of people who refuse to do that, and they're stuck in their fucking simple ways. Yeah, because it's scary. It's definitely fucking scary.

I was supposed to start a job last week, and I got a different offer. I felt weird about the other thing. And now I have to take a month off, and I'm losing a few thousand bucks because I'm not working for a month. But at a certain point, you have to make a decision about being happy in the place and you don't want to just take everything that's offered to you. Kind of like we were

talking about those comedy clubs, because when you turn them down, they're like, oh shit, he can turn it down. He can turn it down. He can turn it down. You know, there has to be a day that you have to, with me, I had to forget I was a comedian, that horror mentality and I become Joey Diaz again, who I was again. I always had the hustle and desire.

Like, listen, I got up in the mind. If I find out about something, you call me and go, hey, Lisa Ann's doing a movie. Joe Rogan's doing a movie. I'll call cast director and find that i find out who's doing what and then from there we get the side then from there we work that motherfucker oh there's a role for me how we're gonna work this let's see who the producers are let's see it from every fucking angle when i did spider man too i met this black kid on the thing good friend of my jason we still talk well jason calls me then he goes hey bro i'm in my office for the longest yard you're pictures on the wall we're gonna get the work together again

i end up doing like three films with jason at that position the point being that you keep working with the same people and you make relationships and they'll refer you. Yeah. This is a big town but it's a small town but you got to do something every day. Staying on base when I say to people you got to stay on base and stay irrelevant in life itself is justifying your existence.

If you justify your existence every fucking morning when you get up, you have a plan I'm going to do this time, I'm going to drop this off you know last night I worked out. I know my day is complete when I go to that kickboxing thing because I'm 50 years old. Yeah. I'm not 20 when I go at 8.30 and I have when I wake up and I look at my notebook every morning

you know the first thing you see this is write one hour per day I try to write two or three hours a day but my minimum is one hour so I write seven hours for the fucking week yeah you know now let me ask you something this is a small town and if people don't like you they can hurt you sometimes do you ever feel because we talk about a lot how you don't play with bullshit you need you don't like hang out with people

do you feel sometimes like if you weren't so recommended like if you if you If you didn't like yell at people, do you think you would have been further along? Yes. If I would have shut my mouth and been passive, absolutely. But there's two sides of that I call it. We live in Seattle. There was a booker up there.

I got in trouble and she didn't like me after I got in trouble. Me and that girl Carol, I used to date the stripper that I found a piece of shit, the gum of her ass and all that. She and I got into a fucking argument one time they put me in jail for fucking harassment outside in her building. We were living together. So some women that took it like it was a domestic violence. something or whatever. So these women called each other and they're like, what the fuck happened with Joey? And there's one woman decided to raise her fucking hand. Okay.

Okay. So she calls me one day. She's like, I don't like what happened. I'm like what I'm hearing. I go, listen, I went to dinner with you and your husband, you know me. This is just a misunderstanding. This is fucking Seattle. She was like, okay, and she held it against me. This girl booked like 60 fucking rooms all around Washington. She wasn't booking me, Lee. Okay. So I had two decisions. I could sit in my house and cry like a fucking bitch and not say she booked me or I would call her three times a week and go hi you have a room tonight and what happens she go yes I do and I go do you mind if I do a guest spot seven minutes you don't have to pay me and I can hear it in her voice like she

fucking hated but she knew I knew the headliner and she knew the headliner had okay that so she had no choice but to hire me for free yeah and people would say why do you do that a she don't like me so I wanted her to hear my voice Rule number three, the art of war fucking if your fucking opponent is of a fucking caloric nature agitate that motherfucker number two

I went down and proved my point that even though she didn't like me it wasn't going to stop me from doing my sense because so much she didn't pay me I was still plunging it at the fucking clock and I was still getting better at what I was supposed to be doing so I beat her in more ways than one in my mind

because she didn't have to pay me in her mind but I was going down and they get better at what I do and at the end I'm here and she's still in fucking Seattle with an umbrella right now looking at her fucking window thinking about whether she'd go get a coffee or not do you understand me that's the difference she used to have 10 clients and 50 fucking rooms she don't have that no more

she has nothing now she has one event a year or something like that and she's old and fucking wrinkly but I'm here with you guys because no doesn't mean no I'll find the fucking way to go around Yeah. You know, I know people don't hire me because I'll say, hey, that trail is too small. Hey, there's not enough food on that table. I'm a fucking union member.

You know what my dues are a year? I got to pay two times I've got to pay dues a year. Then at the end of the year, I've got to give another point in a fucking half to the union. If I got to pay those fucking dues, and I'm doing a union job, when I show up, your shit better be fucking tight, too. For years, I went to these jobs. I didn't say nothing because you don't say nothing. But then when I stopped doing blow, I realized before I was an actor or a comedian or ha. I'm a fucking man.

And you have to treat me like a man because a lot of people here take shit because of the job also. Yeah. A lot of these people will fucking take shit because of the job also. So if you just keep letting people putting shit on you,

piling shit on you, they're going to keep piling on you. Yeah, it builds up. Like, that's why I left a couple jobs because I felt like when you you start out, you let things happen because you're just happy to have the job.

And the more and more you do that, it's harder and harder to be like, no, now you're not going to do it. And you've got to live with yourself. Yeah. I watched the guy who did the fan trailer. He does all the Joey Diaz videos, Mischief Maker. He did a great documentary about Patrice O'Neill.

And I watched it. It was like 45 minutes. It was just found footage, and I watched the whole thing. And people talk about that with him. Like, he was on the office, and he did stuff. He did, like, a pre-Tosh Point O show. And it's, I always respect the people that don't deal with the bullshit. Listen, man, I have a job to do.

And I'm good at it. And I've gotten better at it over the years. I know a lot of standups who don't have my acting resume. They might have three fucking specials on Comedy Central, but they don't have my acting resume, which means I could act on I'm 75. The guy bumped into Y is 72 and works all the fucking time. Seventy fucking two.

Yeah. And he works all the fucking time, okay? So you can work here. My goal here is to keep working and to keep getting better at what the fuck I do. It has nothing to do with anything else getting involved. I took a job one day and a pilot Okay

For an after job And it was two nights Okay A hundred fucking dollars a night 100 dollars a night When you move here You think about money and Hanging out with these bitches

And being on the beach in your house And here a pilot A television pilot Is paying you a hundred dollars A night people Because this is with the side of it You don't fucking know And for people who don't realize

And that PA The person gets coffee on like small TV shows makes about 150 a day. Okay, so this is a pilot for television. This 12 years ago when I got here, this same role would pay you $25,000. This is 2004. No, 2005, 2006.

Okay, the Sopranos are in their prime time. This guy writes a pilot about a pizza place. Okay. Great role. I mean, it was perfect for me. I think it's still on YouTube. I don't even know if it is or whatever. It was a pilot.

I get to the first night. First off, you work from 11 to fucking 5 in the fucking morning. Really? Really? So I'm getting 100 bucks, but now you're knocking me out of tomorrow's business loop. What if I have an audition in 11? I can't go because I was here with you all night for 100 fucking bucks. And listen, I know a bunch of people who work a day for 100 bucks.

I'm not knocking you. I'm saying in this business with the expectations you have and what they make, these motherfuckers are paying you 100 bucks. Yeah. So, I forgot my fucking point. Oh, so the second night I get there, and the table that had water on it before and had a piece of a package of, I swear to God,

so you're supposed to have a table with food on it. This place had a bowl with apples and a few bananas that had been touched by the same Hindu with 70-fucking 11. They had, what do you call that shit, Papa? English muffins with a toaster. And I don't even think they had water. They had like diet so they ran out of soda or something. Jesus.

I know this is, I don't say fucking nothing. At this time, I'm doing blow, people. I'm doing blow. The only thing I said that night was how long we're going to be there. They're like, you can shoot out at one. And we're going to pay you cash. That was the happiest I ever was because I was going right to the drug dealer's house. And again, I took that money and went to the drug dealer's house.

That's not the point. The second that I came back on the set and what's going on? That same table was packed with food. Look like the fucking taj. my whole brother bananas apples chili home-cooked soup crackers bread i fucking said i start doing my signs at about two i get hungry i walk over to the table this is white dude with glasses i go how you doing how you doing he goes how's this job treating yourself on i go pretty good i go look at the fucking spread tonight you know and he goes yeah yeah i made sure that i go you didn't

produce he goes no no i work for after oh shit he goes i check check out all these little jobs he goes how was it last night i go it wasn't like this. He goes, this is why I come to these things, and he gave me his card, and he goes, any fucking time you go to a movie, and he broke it down to me. What should be on that fucking table? Okay? He broke it down

to me, and I'm going to tell you people, he broke it down to me. The job ended, I went home and showed and didn't get picked up. I moved on with my fucking life. You know, the other day a dear friend of ours called me, who I loved dearly, and asked me if I could do a project for him, whatever, and I wanted to do it. Ten years ago, I would have done it

as a friend for him but now I can't do these things because I've been smacked in the face so much with these small fucking projects. A lot of people come to you and say, hey, I got this movie, I got this TV show, I'm going to do this, then a week later after you shoot, they go, do you have any friends at CBS and you're like, though, you just

made me get up on a Sunday to spend time away from my fucking wife for eight hours to come do your shit because you told me you had a friend that could sell this, now you're fucking telling me, calling me, asking me, those are the motherfuckers I can't deal with. Then next thing you know, you're on. YouTube. That's it. So you shot this thing to go on YouTube. That was your fucking answer.

Is it the phone? I can't do this. I said forget it. So I got a call. I've done a table read for a movie called Boilermaker about and I'll tell the fucking story about an A.A. meeting that gets run over by, taken over by two bank robbers. Two bank robbers do a heist and they go in there. Cops are looking for him and they go in there and they hold up the fucking meeting and they bit slap a few people, then they got arrested. So I did the table read, the people really liked me. The movie had Jack McGee in it from the fighter.

Oh, okay. Jack McGee, and it had the guy from the other guy from Deer Hunter. We had some names, and it was great shooting. But it started, this is the movie when I stopped doing Blow. So this movie, to me, I have a lot of meaning of this movie. Because I gave up cocaine for this fucking movie, because it's an AA movie.

The guy who wrote it was an AA guy. The executive producer was an AA guy. Everybody was AA. So I couldn't go in there with a white rings around my nose saying I had allergies. And that was the one that you said where you had to be there all day because it was ensemble. So you were in like every scene. Every fucking scene and you shot for 18 days straight.

Which anybody who works, oh you shot like for 22 days straight. Anybody who knows after seven fucking days you want to shoot yourself of doing anything. Especially when you have an addiction and you want to be out of there. Out of that. But this movie helped my addiction because I was there. Yeah. I was there.

You know, so I take this fucking job and the movie starts a Thursday. The movie starts on a Wednesday, guys. I'm asking you as Americans, as people. So, knowing this, I pay 2.5% a year and then I pay another

5% or whatever the fuck. I make a big pay, like 10% of what I make, I send in January. That gets splitting too. And then December, I get a bill every year for a point and a half from whatever I make to pay for my dues. Jesus. Okay, so now, this movie is not

scale. When I talk to you people about scale, most movies are $6.95. Whatever the fuck it is, I don't know. Now, about six years ago, SAG or nine years ago, SAG had a strike or something when they put together this new movie package. You don't have to pay motherfuckers $6.56 no more.

You can pay them $458, $258, or $100 flat, or $50. There's ultra-low budget. Jesus Christ. Okay? And listen, guys, if it's a great script, there's been a thousand great movies the last 15 years. There have been $100 a day movies.

All right. You can tell that they're a little fucked up, but it's a holiday movie, okay? Not everything is fucking perfect. All right, so the movie starts on a Wednesday. I'm getting off this blow. Okay. You know, I'm really fucking fat.

I'm 415 pounds, man. I'm getting off the blow. I'm hungry. I go in there that Wednesday. There's no food. A couple bananas, a couple fucking pairs, some toast, that's it. And it's not like you can go and grab a sandwich somewhere.

This is off the one-seventh. You have to be on set. So you're not being a diva. You need food. You know what Ghost Rider? You know what Ghost Rider is? I just have watched a bad movie Ghost Rider. Oh, yeah, yeah.

This is the road where you think, you know, in L.A., the big road to the 405, the 101, the 10, and what else? 175. No, no, it's no 175. No, the 170 and 5. But the 170 is like hell. Have you ever taken the 170? Oh, yeah. You still live right by him.

You think you're going to die. You really do. It's the only road that you're like, is this fucking California? It looks like Patterson, New Jersey. If I was going to kill somebody, that's a joke I'd do. I would take them up there and just drop in the weeds. Nobody would find them. When you take a bitch up to 170, she knows she's dying.

Okay, that's where we shot. Okay. Up to one fucking 70. I had never been up to 170. So already, I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? This ain't Hollywood. This ain't fucking nothing. This ain't nothing like I ain't ever seen.

This is an industrial fucking park, California. So we get Sherman Way, you make a fucking left. And it's in this little set stage. Since there was one scene in the movie, It was an 8th thing. We shot in the same fucking room. That's what's good. You don't have to make,

you have to turn around, and that's what sucked about it. You were always ready to shoot. There was no go back. We got a set lining. They already had the lighting set. We would just shoot. So Thursday I get there,

there's no fucking food again. Friday I get there. They put a little bit of food, but there's no food. And they're sending us out to lunch. At this time of my life, I had never seen this. This is what you were saying before.

A SAG movie will not send you out to lunch. What if you slip on a fucking banana peel? Yeah. So they want you there in contact. The only movie I had ever gotten off the set to do was Spider-Man 2 because they let you go to the commissary. Yeah, and that's still in the studio lot.

But that's still in the studio lot. It's not you have to get in your car. That's the only movie I've ever done that they really let you stray away for lunch. Beside that, and you don't want to stray away. No. You're working on a film. This is what you fucking went to acting class.

This is what you thought about high school. You don't want to go no way. Because now you get pissed out by the server. You're trying to think about your lines. Yeah. You want to sit in your room or lunch. You bring a book where you bring a half of two-truts. You smoke that.

Do we eat the other fucking piece yet? Oh, no. You can have it. Oh, no. So, because this is going down. This ship is going down. It's going down. So, uh, fucking Friday.

Mediocre food. Saturday. Mediocre food. Now I'm steaming. I'm not saying them because they're paying me 100. I got to go spend $20 for lunch. Oh, they didn't pay for your lunch? No.

No. No. And I'm like, what the fuck? No trailer. No trailer to sit in. You had to sit outside in the sun. I thought they would have paid you for your lunch. No, I had to take my wardrobe home every day and wear it every day and wash it myself and iron it, make it look like.

It was a fucking Puerto Rican production. But I liked the script. I like the people. And I wanted to do something different. Plus, I was trying to get off the blow. Yeah. So they make me shoot out Sunday. Uh-oh.

Which guys just doesn't work for Uncle Joey. On the seventh day, God makes Black Sabbath. That's it. Even the fucking Jews. Oh, the Jews takes Saturday. Yeah, John Goodman doesn't roll on Chavez and you don't shoot on Sundays. He doesn't roll on Shabbat. It's the line from the Big Lebowski.

Right, yeah. No, no, no, no. I don't. There's some things you have to take care of yourself. Look, you want to work for three hours in the morning on the Sunday, 9 to 12? I'm in. I'm fucking all in. But when you tell me, you got to work six in the morning to six at night of the Sunday,

whatever. Let's take a chance. If that's what you want to roll, that's what you want to roll. I get there at 6 a.m. on a Sunday people. There's not a stitch of fucking food on the table. Nothing. Nothing.

I don't say nothing. There's like cereal and something else. I don't say nothing. We go to lunch. And at lunch, the actors, taking me on the side, go, Joey, what the fuck is going on?

Now the actors are starting to get pissed. This is a true story. I'm telling you. I'm sitting there going, what the fuck? Now I'm getting worked up. This is the reverse Carlos Mencia that was done to me. So I get worked up.

And at lunch, I go, you know, if there's nothing there for lunch today, I got to say something. So lunch, I go out there and they're like lunch on Sunday, and I get the chick. I go, excuse me, you're the fucking food chick. And she goes, yeah, I go, I'm not trying to be disrespectful. Where's the food? Come on, where's the food? They're like, oh, we've been making a list. I go, since fucking Wednesday?

since Wednesday you've been making on this and then one of the producers pops out and he goes, what's the problem? I go, no, the problem is there's no fucking food. I go, you know you're not supposed to send this out? You fucking know this. I got, all the fucking actors are piss. The guy goes, well, nobody else said, no, because they told me.

And I'm sitting here going, and I'm a fat fuck, and that's not even a banana. This oatmeal, there's nothing. You motherfuckers, better go get some shit. I'm getting the fuck out of here, and I'll come back tomorrow when you guys get some. Yeah. For the next 20 days, those people didn't talk to me.

Oh, and let me correct, the food chick was a director's fiance. Of course. So I was fucked no matter what. All I stuck up for what was coming to me. Yeah. I pay a lot of fucking money every year, and they say, you got to get your shit together. All I said was what was coming to me, Lee. They treated me like I had fucking the hiv.

You understand? They treated me like I had the fucking hiv. They wouldn't talk to me. I mean, and even the actors. Jack McGee, I still see, because he lives in Studio City. Yeah. And Jack McGee is a real friend like he's a real AA guy

and he'll invite me to his house for little meetings and shit. I like Benjave. You see Jack McGee in movies that's a really good guy. Jack talked to me. But Jack is from the Bronx. So Jack even pulled me aside

and was like, dog, thank you. But you fucking went off on him. I had to go off. I had to fucking tell him what the fuck. You know, but in this town, see in life, when you pull somebody aside, I don't have to tell you that. Yeah.

And it's the answer you give me. If you're like, No, since Wednesday, you've blown a smoke up by us. You were putting this list together until some guy like me came and told you. Then you put it together before after comes. And I hate what the actor did. This has happened a few times in my life where

everyone talks and, oh, they're all pissed off. And everyone's going to walk out. And then you say something. And then they're all high. Oh, we don't care. We don't mind. Look at Joe Rogan at the Comedy Store. Look at Joe Rogan at the fucking Comedy Store.

Ghost of Bat against this guy. Ba, blah, blah. All the comics, yay, yay, yay. Come Friday night. Nobody walked down Because Mitzy said if you walk out You're not gonna get spots no more Yeah

And now you want me to talk to you What the fuck is there to talk about When you had an opportunity to get my back You didn't get my fucking back Yeah I'm gonna talk to you five years now I'm gonna forget that Motherfuckers like me never forget

I'll forgive you But I ain't gonna forget you I ain't gonna go into war What I even walk around What I'm gonna walk around with you for Yeah If something happens You're gonna turn your back on me

Well I can't do Because I'm not gonna get spot What comedy stores The only fucking place We get on stage There's got to be somewhere In this art Where you keep what's yours

alive And for years, the blow I was doing Was to fucking depress that feeling It was a fag I wasn't living my life I was living all Well, don't accept Once I fucking took control

Of who the fuck I was Then people, nobody fucking talks to me Very seldom people like me on the saddle or whatever And they know Get them on and get them on And get them on and get them off I don't mind that Get them out and get them all

Pay my fucking money I had a great time in New Orleans You know last year I got knee surgery Mm-hmm Okay, I got a call After I do the knee surgery For the dog that's saying whatever These fucking thieves

these guys, when you want to pay your fucking residual. Another $100 a day movie. I'm taking falls. Those $100 day movies? Yeah, the Christmas ones I do, 100 fucking dollar day movies with Dean Knie. Jesus. And I was just going to ask you,

sorry about my allergies. Do you think movies like that, there are probably some where they have a script. They make money, they get paid for television. They pack it to money. They don't give you the $100. They go, oh, they don't pay that much anymore. Yes, they do it.

They don't pay, you wouldn't be fucking doing them. The producers take them. Yeah, you wouldn't be doing it. So they stop paying residuals. I got to call saying like, Sag called me one time. Sag was like, hey, dog, you get residuals from that movie. I go, I haven't gotten shit.

They go, want to email you something. Sign it and send it back. It's a fucking report against him. The second movie did in Colorado, the whole fucking casting crew wrote them up. You know, you work for these criminals. So they called me. I said, listen, guys, I just had knee surgery. I'd rather not do it.

They're like, no, this will be easy. I said, listen, it's never easy with you, motherfucker. I always got to chase a dog or run after a cat or do something, which I don't mind. I don't mind playing those roles. I've enjoyed doing it. But after a while, you're like 100 fucking bucks a day. Six days is 600 fucking bucks.

I'm chasing cats. I'm jumping off fucking buildings. Again, I pay union. I don't want somebody to say, well, Joey, you sound like a fucking diva. Fuck, no. When you go to work and you get $8 an hour, $100 a day, but you don't have to pay.

You don't have to pay. I got a fucking pay. And this is the only union that they don't stick up for you guys. And even brought up your agent yet. They take 10%. They take 10, but I don't mind them. Listen, in my world No, but that's what I'm saying.

So for a $100 a day movie, that's 90 you're making it. Oh, I see what you're saying. And then taxes and then part of that. Yeah. So that you're making like 75. Fuck yeah. And then you're wearing your own clothes and your gas. And your fucking gas.

Yeah. You know, I get these calls. I got a call. Yeah, I want you to play a guy. I have you in a strip club. How about you? All right, 100 and 9. I got it.

You know, then you get there and it's not day shoot. It's a night shoot. they don't have the money to buy the location. So they got to get in there when the Mexicans clean the fucking building. You got to fucking shoot opposite when the Mexican chick is clean. So when is the strip club closed from two to fucking six?

From two to seven. So I got to shoot between two to seven for again, a hundred. Ten dollars goes to the fucking agent. You know, taxes, gas and my wardrobe. I just shot a fucking... You're breaking even. Guys, I just shot a feature film that you guys will see on

showtime and Cinebacks. $50 a day. So ask me fucking again. It's like me telling you people, I'm going to pay you $10 an hour. And before the fucking day starts, I'm taking $7.35 from you. Yeah. After taxes, what are you got left? That's in every industry.

We're getting raped across the fucking board. This isn't only me. But you have to figure out how to make it work for you if you're going to fucking yell. And you say something on the podcast and in comedy, say if someone has to pay you to get up and justify you waking up that day. and leaving the house. Because if you're going to clear 50 bucks, you might as well stay home and watch a lot on order

and fucking rely. It's not worth your time. I ain't mad at you. I ain't fucking mad at you. Hey, how can you be mad at somebody who goes, you know what, Joey,

listen, they wanted me to go down there and do this. At that point, that's when you live your dream. Yeah. That's when you live your green. You want to be a fucking garbage man. You drive around and pick up chairs

and refurbish them and resell them and resell them. Whatever the fuck, because they're not going to pay you anyway. You might as well start from scratch. Yeah, this is what we do. This is what I do. I've been telling you motherfuckers since day one.

It's funny how I became a comedian. I became a comedian because I didn't want to work days. That's one of the prerequisites that I became a comedian for me. Really? Yeah, I didn't want to work days. Who the fuck wants to work days there? I want to be off. Would you want to be off on the daylight today?

Oh, yeah. It's fucking beautiful day to be alive. Can you imagine have to go to work today? But I like working at night because what goes on at night? Nothing. Yeah, I love working night. Death. What do you got from you?

What music is? Here we go. Nothing. The guy didn't call. I knew he wasn't going to call. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's Wednesday, motherfuckers.

Make it happen. The church of what's happening now. Grab that fucking cop. It's going down, bitches. We'll wiggle fuck with Joey. Everyone who's listening should be wiggling too. Wake up. Oh shit.

It's time for the other G-mo, too. This is the end of the gut. We're going deep. Wednesday. Hit it. done I can't dance for another

bapana pan da pah oh shit what are you in on this cheap or you know I can already feel the first one No you can Yes I can't Don't be bullshit

I want you to stop for a month and then have one of those and see what happens I can't see what I'm that fucking with my eyes are badly Oh really? Oh I went to the doctor

I can't even fucking tell you I think I got to go out of cold with this fucking reef are working It's at the fucking refrave. You're gonna get LASIC? Or something like that? Well, I don't know.

I don't know what though. It's my left eye or something. I always... Oh, here we go. Let's get fucked up today. Yeah, the woman who plays M in the 007, she had to retire because she, like, she had to have someone

read her sides to her. She just can't see anymore. That's pretty, it's a... How old is she? I have no off to look it up, but she... At least be a 70 or 80 or something like that. She has to be. Let's see.

But, yeah, I mean, that stuff If I eat this, I'm going to die. And you're still unwrapping it. Oh, what are you going to do? It's half wrapped. A chick is half naked. You're not going to eat her fucking little.

Judy Dench is, let's see here. She was born in 34. So that's... We open your mouth. I'm going to like a fucking seal. She's like 79 or something. So, yeah, so you're going to Tennessee. You're going to go to Zanis.

And then you have the South Beach Comedy Festival. What else? You're doing anything else? I'm born to Austin, Texas. Oh shit. I'm going to get some barbecue when you're down there? I'm going to get everything. Oh, shit. I'm going to get chewies. I'm going to get fucking barbecue at some fucking barbecue joint. I forget the name, but not the gate,

the other one. Is it the salt look? I see that on all the TV shows. There's a couple of them. That's a commercial probably now. But once they put them on TV by the time you see it, that's it. It's all over. It's like going to fucking pinks. I went, oh, where we go last week, to the casino in San Diego? Oh, yeah. And they had a pink's. And they go, really?

They got a pink's down here? I looked, and there was three people waiting on line. People just like the way that on line at pinks. They're like half Russian, half fucking, I don't know what the fuck they are, don't they? I've never been there. Don't ever go. I heard it's awful. I don't really break my heart.

If I find out you would go there. I love hot dogs, but I just, I heard there. I had one yesterday. Oh, really? Oh, I love hot dogs. The ones that rouse, brother. Do you steam them or put them on the pan? I like him in the pan.

I put them on the pan and I cut up a fucking white onion real small. Okay. Because I had 10 points left last night. Okay. After lunch and breakfast. So I like my... One thing I did this week was I ate at home. That's a huge job.

I'll tell you, my wife was killing me with the eating at the dog. Killing me once... We were doing one meal, but it kills you. That one meal sometimes five days a week, sick. It fucking kills you. Money-wise? Calories-wise. We don't go to a fucking expensive place.

If you're spending 20 bucks. Yeah, it's like 22, 28. We go to like Big Tonys, who's healthy as shit. Big Tonys is my favorite fucking healthy place. Right there on the Riverside. Is it one of those, like, burger stands sort of things? No, it's a little quarter Mexican place. Oh, okay.

It's where they got a singer from the goo. What's his name? The food fighters, goes. The food fight. What the fuck you're laughing about? You went like, you know the guy? You know, I'm a little fucking stoneway. You're going on your uncle, Joe.

Joey for. That's where he goes. And my friend Jerry LaRocca, we saw the other day, turned me on to it. He goes, you got to go in there. Like right now,

they got a great old meal thing. I mean, it's a Mexican place, but they cater, they have a fruit basket. God damn, with this juice on it, with raspberries,

mangoes and pineapples and cannolope, it's delicious. I think four bucks, five bucks. They have a very fucking healthy on Fridays and Saturdays. They have salmon

or Ahiahi. over a better lettuce. Nice. Like spinach. I mean, Lee, for eight bucks. You sit down and go, no, and it's fresh fish. They get it fucking every Friday and Saturday. But during the week, they have the special chicken salad.

Oh, you told me about this. It's a better lettuce with two grilled Mexican seasoned chicken colors. Yeah. Which is not that boring shit. You're like, I'm eating fucking chicken again. The chicken's juicy. They're doing it on the grill. And when you bite into it, it's got like spinach with 11 vinaigrette.

They make right there. Lee. Forget about it. And that's... Forget about it, Lee. That's unusual. That's one twillade. But, like, what do you've been saying?

I haven't... I haven't eaten out at all since I've been off the juice thing. No, that's not true. The first day I did have the grilled chicken over the rice. And I had that salad. That was horrendous. No, it wasn't bad. I like a nice salad.

I was like a nice salad, bro. But the big thing I've noticed is... And I've been eating well. I have full meals, but it's... Did your shit yet? Oh, yeah. I... What's the fuck?

Did it blow your asshole out? Oh, yeah. Did it hurt for a minute? No, no, it didn't hurt. I was excited because I was nervous. I'm going to go get a... My dad told me... I need to get, like, probiotics?

Probiotics. No, there's two of them. There's, like, the yogurty one. Oh, yeah. But if you go to Rouse on the juice stand, there's one that tastes like juice. Little vitaminy, but when I had the surgery, whenever I take my antibiotics or the thing,

I drink it by the fucking gallon. Yeah. It's not bad. My wife got me the yogurty one. I don't like the yogurt. I don't like yogurt at all. No, you know what? That's right.

You like, what about fucking buddy with the cottage cheese? I still think about how disgusting. Cottage cheese and tuna. Fucking Lee, cottage cheese and tuna. You know how fucking. I love Joy. you know, I fucking love that. Oh yeah, he's a great guy.

But I mean... But the fuck, I don't know that made me doubt him now. What the fucking cottage cheese? I mean, if you're gonna throw mayonnaise in it. Does it throw mayonnaise? Well, no, that's what I'm saying. Instead of frong mayonnaise, if you can get past it with a cottage cheese and if you can...

I couldn't do it, but, I mean, if you can... That cottage cheese is always taking like that. Tastes like straight up fucking ass. Yeah. Just looking at it. It looks like fucking yeast infection drool or something. Like that coming out of a little bit of chunks and shit. You ever see a little mucon.

with chunks of cheese. No. What the fuck? That's what comes from doing this stuff that you always tell me I do. I've never seen chunks of cottage cheese coming out of a pussy and I'm proud of that. Lee, it's a joke. All right. No, I know. You've seen, you've seen. Wait, you want to up his junk. No, I don't want. Lee, why not? What do you got to do all fucking do? We got to, like, draw tomorrow. I got to learn how to take care of your cats. I got a pack for tomorrow. I got shit to do. What are you leaving in Vegas? Well, I'm going to, right after I feed your, feed your cats. Thursday night, you leave it? Yeah. I'm driving back Sunday. You better be nice to my fucking cats. I love your cats. I don't want no perversions.

It's funny, the baby is three months old and it's a lot of work. It's a lot of focus. And it's funny that I hate to say this because you'd be going to take it from me the wrong way. I haven't given the cats as much of the attention as I was giving them.

And this system, my wife for a couple of days, put me back into the rotation with them. I take care of my cats, people. And you guys, and if I would have dogs, I would have the same thing. If I have parrots, I don't like people who get animals and treat them at 80% and 90%. I always wanted, my cats are very sweet.

Yeah, they're great. Very sweet. Because I was always extra sweet to them and very kind of time. I love those animals with all my heart. Whether they were dogs, chihuahuas, I like all dogs. Before I left this one,

I see my girls walking the pit mix with the little shit. Oh, yeah, those ladies are the dogs. I love those dogs. I love those dogs. I love animals. But your cats are like the first cats that I've liked, and it's not one cat. It's nine cats that are cool. They're fucking...

It's something that I can't tell you what you get from an animal. If you're having a hard time in your life, and sometimes an animal will keep your decent. Sometimes an animal will even bring your back your character to a degree because there's so many things. You don't have to clean out a cat with a box.

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? But you do it because you know that it's for them, you know, and they follow you. I've gotten, you know, every day at my house at one, there's treats. Okay, 1 o'clock in a dot. When I walk in, that you know, there's treats. You know, I used to let them out. I would open the door in the front.

You've seen them on the balcony. They're walking on the balcony. You know, I had them just like kids. You have to have the most important thing they say with kids is a schedule. Yeah. You know, Thursdays, I give them catnip. You know, during the week, I give them treats. Sometimes on the weekend, I'll give them catnip to drive them crazy.

And it's funny, on days when you're not there, now that Terry's gone for a little bit, you say they act out a little bit? Oh, it's a fucking nightmare. It's like they act like gorillas without their mother in the house. They're like little fucking gorillas. They have tormented me to know what. And it's funny how I'm not ashamed to say this.

I don't even like leaving them. Like these next three days when I leave, I'll be heartbroken. Yeah. Because if there's an earthquake and something happens to one of these cats, I might as well hang myself. Because that was the commitment I made when I picked up these cats. Oh, and to be honest with you, if it was anyone else that asked me to feed their cats, and I had this thing, I probably would have said no.

But I'm leaving later because I know you've like, your wife has gone home for like Christmas. You know, like, I can't go. The cats. Can't go. So like, for people who I know it's important, too, like, you're like, you can't. I can't go. I don't want, you don't understand if something was to happen, like I said, you know, supposed to go on fucking vacation when you have those

little animals and yeah you get people to watch and whatever I know my cats I know their movements I've been I've been around for years I know their tendencies I have to put certain cats' dishes in certain places yes and I can't just like take a dish and like okay this is they'll eat like each case

each dish as for a certain cat and a certain place and it's a I'm a Delle is going to be fucking crazy tomorrow because he doesn't he eats he likes to uh eat like every five or six hours.

There's cats that eat all day. Like Super Bad, as tiny as he is, eats all fucking day. Nip picks out that shit all fucking day. But it's funny how when I wake up at two to pee, I can tell you who's awake. Really?

If you get a camera on me, right as I go to the back and go, Joey, who's walking around? I'll tell you who's walking around. And I guarantee I'll get two out of three right. I can tell you who's on the couch. I can tell you who's behind the couch. I can tell you who's in the room. My wife.

I can tell you who's in the fucking room with me. That's how much I know these cats. I can tell you who's going to be up on a certain day. Really? Because right now they're sleeping. There's no action in the house. But there's one guy that today is his day to walk around. Whose day is it?

Today is Thursday. It's Sissy Day. Wednesday. Wednesday. Today's Lulu. That means Lulu will be sniffing when I come in a little thing. They'll take a watch. And she takes like a little watch and she walks around.

So I know their tendencies. I know that. used to be being there every two or three hours. Yeah. For even 25 minutes. Sometimes I come and take a piss, check the computer, feed them, give them like love, giggle with them.

You know, check the fucking backyard, take the garbage out. Sometimes I just run through on that type of level. Yeah. So, yeah. People look at me, like, what the fuck, Joy, Hug game?

No, it's funny. The motherfucker's the truth. If you're going to get an animal, you got to go 100%. Don't get the fucking animal. That's one thing I miss about going to do the podcast there is because I, you would, You would be getting ready in the morning and stuff, and I'd be playing.

I'd have to go see Harry. I'd go see Fidel. And it'd be like 20 minutes just patting them and like, I miss it. And they're happy to see you. They're very happy. I wanted them to be lovable. I never wanted them to be standoffish. You know, Superbad.

I see Superbad do things that are fucking amazing. Like what? That are amazing. For Superbad. For Superbad. They're amazing because he couldn't not get that way from me. He couldn't not get that. When I first brought Superbad up, Superbad fucking hated Terry.

Really? But he hated the fuck out of me. Superbad is a black and white one that was part of four. He had four in his litter. Three of them were Siamese. Superbad came out black and white because a female cat can get pregnant from two to three different cats at the same time. Are you serious? Yeah, they both fucked her the same night.

They both fucked that, my cat, mama. It wasn't my cat. She lived down in the fucking street. She was a dirty hawk. But she's the mother, you know, six of my cats. Yeah. So it was two cats that fucked her. And the black and white got her pregnant, but only had one.

And the Siamese samurai had three. Okay. So. Superbad's a one for people who don't know whose brother was sick and is one of the main reasons you got off blow. Well, off blow. But even when we captured Superbad, Superbad was always 20 feet from me.

Superbad didn't like human contact where D.R. did me, DJ, Lulu, and Evie liked contact at that age. Okay.

At the fucking four-month age, they were tiny. But when I come out, DJ would come over and then the two girls would come over. Superbad would never come over. That's why I said, really Superbad?

Well, fuck you too. And then when he would stray DJ out, I'd say, you know what? I'm going to stab this fucking cat one day. And so when I had to bring DJ up, when I had to bring DJ upstairs, and when I had to bring DJ upstairs, that he was sick. Superbad was just as sick.

I still remember my wife trying to carry Superbad, how he was weak. Yeah. And he was still hissing. Oh, really? He didn't like human contact. And I remember going this fucking cat. And I've been leaving that night coming back. DJ was dying, but Superbad was in horrible shape.

And every time I go in the back to the check on, I was petting DJ, super bad would hiss at me. Really? Like, let me fucking die, get the fuck out of you type. Basically, don't fucking touch me. But I would force myself with him and rub his side. I kept rubbing his side and praying. It was rubbing his side and praying.

And especially after DJ died that next morning, I got up, and I'm like, you're not going to die. And I said, I'll never do blood. again, but you're not going to fucking nod. For three days, I was going to stab the cat myself. Four days. My anxiety levels were high, and I rubbed him, and it went from me rubbing him, and he'd be going,

every, like, three minutes he'd go, like he'd try to hiss at me. To me to go away. It went from that to him starting to purr. I watched a transition, and then I kept rubbing him. I would go in and come back and rub him, so he stopped hissing all together. It was just a ball of purr.

Yeah, and it's weird, because Lulu and Eve, are more a little, I mean, with you, they're probably fine with me. Those are, like, really the only two cats. You're really cool with me. You'll still bite you. Yeah. You'll still bite you. That glitter stayed outside a little longer. Oh, okay.

I left them outside until they were seven, eight months old. But at the time I brought them up, they were still, they were getting into theirs. They seen the father killing other cats. They had been in a couple wars. There was raccoons back there. They had seen everything. So, fuck. And then the first people that took Evie, the first girl that took,

because Evie and Lulu had a big old cat and didn't like those two kittens. So they had to keep in the bathroom for two weeks, three weeks, crying because the cat wouldn't let them out in the regular house. They called my wife and said, we're going to bring them back to whatever, where my wife took the cats to the fucking other play, Petco. And then we went down there and took the cats back. We said, well, we'll take the cats back. Okay.

And we'll find the home that we found love with them. We just kept them. Yeah. But that's super bad. I remember that night that they were usually hissed at you. He stopped. After that, he would purr. And I know he won him over.

And today, when I see him come out and put his nose in your leg and he flops on you. You ever see him do that? He puts his nose and he just flops on you. He'll do it over and over. If you move, he'll flop on you. So is he Dimmy's brother, too? Dimmy and... No, he's just a girl's brother.

And you can see that they're tight. They sleep together until this day. I'm happy I brought all three of them. Okay. They sleep together, they hang together, they eat together, they play together. He attacks the sister. The sister sticks up for him. This morning when I was feeding him, I was making the protein shake, and I was watching him.

Because I made the protein shake first, and I was watching them as I was pulling out the fucking ingredients. And they thought I was going to feed him. And Demi, the older ones, six to the front with the older ones, Lulu will run and knock him over like Penn. She's such a fat little chubby girl. That show just bump into all of them. and then she'll turn around, look at him, and bump up again on the way back. But she's an earbiter.

She'll stop at Demi and look at Demi and without him watching. I'll watch her, watch me like, is he going. Oh, and she'll just bite his fucking ear. If you look at Evie's ear, it's flat. One's bigger than the other one. And we think that in the woo, she was just biting fucking Evie's ear. If you look at Evie, turn it. Yeah, one's sticking up and the other one's kind of tiny.

That's because... That's hysterical. It's fucking hysterical. I can't believe we're talking about fucking cats. on a podcast about fucking debt. Coxucked is the church or what's happening? I'm out of refill league. No, I got one.

We got one call coming out. Oh, shit. What's happening? You talk to me, my man, and what's going on? Oh, shit, there he is, the one and only. That's me? Denny Björg. Listen, I got to stop by saying,

forgive me, Coco, for I have sinned. It's been a little over two months since I've been to your church, so you've got to forgive me. Well, no, no, no. The reason why you're on today is one. I got to make these guys some money. If you're going to do it, do it now. Let's start this story from the beginning.

This is my brother Danny B. He's got one of the best fucking, he's one of the best handicaps out there for the three main sports. I've known Danny 30 fucking years. He calls me a couple weeks ago, a couple months ago, and says he's going to hook up with Tim Donahey,

the referee that was in bed with fucking Johnny Bananas and betting games and winning. And at first you were like he's very quiet, you know, he doesn't, whatever. And believe it or not, I bought the book. I ordered the book and I read it. We had them back on. And I liked the book.

I find him very interesting. And we all read the chapter about where favoritism, where, you know, they want certain teams in the playoffs and cash cows. And a couple people even hit me up on Twitter and said it was bullshit. Me knowing the truth, I always knew that. Didn't take a fucking genius. And last week, tell us the story. What happens?

Well, you know what? Of course, Tim's story's compelling. As you know, you read the book. A lot of people don't know until they fucking read the book. They want to judge somebody, you know, call him a criminal, but read the book and it gives you some resolve. But obviously a couple of days ago, this Pac-12 official, Ed Rush, you know, got involved in a scandal himself. So Tim's been all over the damn radio from Mad Dog Radio to Mike and Mike in the morning. You know, Tim's a very knowledgeable guy, Coco, you know.

We grew up on the streets, gambling was part of our lifestyle. We did it when I started when I was 12. I know you were with Carmar and I was with my crew So we've seen a lot of shit But no Tim's definitely Anybody out there that's listening Read the book Get involved with him

Give him a call man I'm telling you this guy's a cash cow You know and he said it That was it You know Colby Bryant is going to make the fucking playoffs Year after year They're in it now They're four games above 500

I do that I do that when I heard Shaq say During the All-Star break The Lakers are not going to make the playoffs I'm like you fucking Cocksucker and the fact last night they covered right did they cover last night

you know what yeah they won't big you know what fucking the lakers don't make the playoffs it's bad for TV it's bad for TV it's all about TV and that's what Tim talks about a lot it's a business stern he's a smart shoe he knows what he's doing he's made a lot of money for the league he's hated

you know it's marked Cuban too you know Tim's in touch with Cuban this is pretty cool shit you know when this story broke this referee at rush at the time He was the head of the league's official back in the day. Cuban's a billionaire, young kid in the league. They hated him.

They had an alpha-in-and-you-know-how. When the story broke, you know, Tim talks to Donagie, Cuban, rather. And Cuban was like Tim stick it to this guy, the way he stuck it to me, you know. A lot of people wouldn't believe it, but the fact of it matters, Tim still in touch with a lot of these guys. It's just dirty business, man. I wish I knew what I know now 30 years ago when I was out there getting fucked up, making $10,000 and losing it to the English brothers, the burglitos,

all those fucking crazy men, no. This is good. This is good shit, and I'm excited to be involved in it. Remember that pain of Bucky? What a disgusting fucking feeling. Well, it was horrible, especially when you had to borrow from Peter to pay Paul. So, Coked. You know, we did a lot of shit to survive there, coax.

And like I said, everybody's proud of where you are right now. It was a rough battle, but, you know, did you even think you'd be alive at 50 years old? No. I didn't. I was telling Lee the other day. I got two kids. I'm still here. Making money. It's beautiful. You know, Jim Berkel died this week. Jimmy Berkel died. No. No. In Burkle? Yeah, the best one on all four of them. He finally died on Sunday. He was 53. He died on her birthday.

And I told Lee the flying junior. Jimmy Burkle was a good man. Listen, man, I met Joe Marys. I'm robbing. I'm down 40 grand on the street. You knew it and I knew it that one of those Cubans was going to put a bullet in my head. Remember you took me to see the one of him, Malagamba. and he said he was going to take me to my stepfather and get some money from my stepfather I had just tried to rob Niko

on 57th Street he owned the flower shop and was a high-level bookmaker for the battles I tried to rob him my hand got caught in the fence I was staying in Fernie Monsasuto's basement and I had just given all my best friends a bad dose of sleeping pills

when I robbed the epileptic fucking janitor remember I gave it to J-Mo and Greg and you and nobody talked to me I know I remember and they're fucking they're whitewage so that really fucked Oh, I gave them epileptic pills. I thought they were fucking baby Kualudes and I gave more epileptic pills.

I used to rob the janitor at Joel Marys. I remember it also. What was the fucking the bombings? Lila, Lila. Lila. Lila. Svita, darling. Svetad, you do too much cocaine, you look fucked up. Lila would give you, remember her fucking vodka.

Sure, she killed herself. She killed us. Do you remember her white rum? Do you remember her vodka and Irish juices that were white? You just fucking have a lot We left up I don't know how You know

Who was that kid Didn't the kid Shoot himself Right across the street In the park That one time And survived Put a 45 to his chest

What the fuck There was so many You remember that stories about I know I know coke I'm like I said I'm just excited To be around

Still No no no No no no No no Don't go nowhere We got to talk About this Joe Mary Just let these

Motherfuckers No You're talking about The guy That shot himself Oh my God I'm trying to think about this shit.

He put the fuck in any place, and then his nickname was, you know, shot in the park instead of shot in the dog. He used to say, and he survived it. His name was Ed something.

Ah! Rousseau's. And he'd be, his theme song when he survived it was shot in the park. What about who was the, remember the old guy that used to,

what was the old guy? Johnny Reed, who used to hang out at the Midtown Lounge and he would throw. John Reed. Remember, he was an old guy? Then we'd pick on that guy. Then we'd pick on him.

We abused him. No, no, no, no, no. This is a guy that jumped out of a dumpster. No, he jumped out of a building in North Bergen, but he landed in a construction dumpster and lived. And he, and everybody tortured him. So he used to hang out at the Midtown lounge and throw punches in the air and have conversations with the stuff. Yeah, that's fucking weird. You remember? We locked him in the back room at Midtown. One time I put my dick on a chair and showed it to him.

I go, John, and he looked at me. The turtle deck. And he went, and he went, whoa. Dude, tell me that fucking bathroom. It was like, you know, what was that joke when you can fit a million Jews in a Volkswagen? How many of us can fit in that little fucking bathroom and snort? That bathroom was the size of a... You know, we had 20 people in there, and it seemed like they were still room for more.

It was fucking crazy. We had some fun, though. Honestly, we looked back. It's 30 years ago. You know, I guess I started really peeking with the party in like 83, 84, 85. 86. You know, and we've seen a lot of shit. Had a lot of laughs.

Danny, I'm still thinking about the janitor, Danny. You got to remember, this poor janitor cleaned the high school, and he would come every Friday to Joan Barry's. And this all started by me pickpocketing his pill thing out of his jacket pocket, and I would take the volumes out of there. He had 30, 10 milligram volumes. Every Friday. What was the name of a janitor at the high school?

They had a bunch of them. They had the one guy's eye. They had the one guy's eye that looked up. They called him Eagle Eye. They had Benny in the jet. The old guy that died, Benny. He used to give him Blackberry Brandy in the wintertime. But this guy was a quiet dude.

So I remember one night I went to mug him, and I went to the people. I'm like, he didn't bring the Valiums. And they caught him walking by Grasshopper and Larry McNeil, me, and somebody else threw a beating on him on Friday. Like, next time bring the fucking Valiums, cock sucker. Larry B.

It wasn't his name John. I know he had black hair. Guy sitting in scratching his chin trying to. figuring out. No, Gary was too fucking young. Gary was 10. No, listen, Gary's too, Gary was fucking seven years old snort and coke. Gary fucking was doing it when we started. What are you? No, I know, I know, but he didn't go to Joe Marys then, is what I'm trying to say. What the hell? He did too. We used to sneak him in out, but he'd be in the alleyway. Gary's seen more, Gary's memory is ridiculous. I mean,

he can remember people's pages numbers from 1985. You'll give him Nick Duluch. You ask him Nick Delush's number, he knows it. You ask him Carlos or Pasta's number. He's got it down. Let me ask you. He's going right now in the background. Did he try to rob Nick Dulcea? He let the suitcase behind? Yeah, well, yeah, that was my...

I put him on that. That was my fault. I put him on that. You robbed the wrong fucking suitcase. Yeah, no, him and his boy, Steve, they break into Delushes. There's like 100,000 cash. Tons of fucking pre-rock crack.

There's a briefcase. It's a score. It's a score. So what does Gary do? He takes $40 off the fucking kitchen table and a couple of buds of weed. and that's what he left behind. But then again, when he robbed TGI Fridays in the early 90s,

he grabbed $4,000. They laughed about him the next day. They said, TGI Fridays robbed. Burglar leaves $56,000 behind. So, Gary, so, yeah. I robbed the Hess. I robbed that one Hess gas station, and I got it for like $12,000, me and the stutterer,

and look, we left... Jimmy Looke. And we left... And we left 80 grand in the fucking safe and exotic coin. So, you know, people fuck up sometimes. It happens. Yeah.

They fucking have. Danny Bamool-oh. I know, listen, it's so good to have Gary here. You know, I got my boys. I got my wife. I'm happy. But besides that, it's good to have somebody to talk to, you know. And it's fun.

He's doing good. After time, he's upside down doing push-ups or pull-ups. So, you know. He's a fucking savage. He's got the fucking, you know, the inside mentality. Now, let me ask you something, Danny B. How hot is Donna? Donahee and what?

What kind of action do you have for these fucking cock suckers this weekend? Well, he's... We got final four, correct? What's that by? We still got final four this weekend? You know what? I'll tell you who I like. You know, Tim's strength is not in college.

He's okay. He's an NBA guy. Me personally, I like Louisville to win it all. I don't know if they covered a 10-point spread this weekend, but I'd like to see them play. I think Syracuse moves forward to play Louisville Monday, and I think Louisville is the better team out there. I think Syracuse beats Michigan.

It's a small favorite. Michigan's minus two. But I don't know about Tim. His father's pretty damn good in college. He spent 30 years. But he's just fucked. We didn't go hang up on me? No, no.

Nobody hung up. You're hanging up on me? No, no. We love you. But anyway, I know you don't. But listen, no, he's on a pair. His record's all documented on his website, so I'm not just throwing out, you know, fictitious numbers.

Actually, he's on a roll. Last night he had the lake is. But let me tell you. Now, he is human. He'll lose two or three in a row, and you can't get discouraged, and that's where you fuckers go wrong. Because he's a referee. You gotta remember, he was betting with a whistle in his mouth,

and he still didn't win every game. But if you stick by his side and you got money... At the end of the year, you got Getus. Because even if you go fucking... Even if you go seven out of ten, you still got fucking what? Four or five net winners, which makes you fucking cash and mumbo. At the end of the week, you want to get your dick,

you want to go backstage at the Eagles. You need to get your dick suck You need to get some fucking Guitous Call Danny Bianculo Get 10 Donah here on the fucking line right now And get some fucking winners You're gonna go two for two this week and at least Two grand on these that's four fucking grand

You know how many dicks your fucking wife has to suck For you to get four fucking grand Tell him Danny Biancolo Tell him. Terrible language What am I gonna do? It's Wednesday You gotta motivate the fucking troops You know Obama's talking about things are bad How are you gonna make money

I'm giving you the fucking answer I got him on the line right now I know, you're right. People, here's the door. Here's the thing. People bitch about their life. We'll get up and do something about it, Coach. You know what I'm saying?

Opportunities knocking. Let me to fuck in and pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Go down and put the gun away. Go see Danny. Let him fucking wave the gun and big slap. Take the off your fucking neck and get off the bridge. It's not so bad.

It's not bad. What are you going to do? They got to hit you. What are going to do? Oh, you want to hear, Cox. Are we talking over each other? But listen, I get some real fucking desperate people call me. I have to walk them off.

Listen, take the rope off your neck. There's always tomorrow. These people are suicide. I get these weird fucking calls. You know, bizarre shit. You know, some of these guys are really, some guys are great, but I get some real weirdos that come.

That's what they're like Coke fiend. It's like, I just picture them eating another bag of, don't you have anything, Dan? What, you don't have nothing on the lake again tonight? These guys are worst in drug addicts. Oh, I remember. I remember. They're disgusting, you know?

Because here's the deal. With cocaine and alcohol, coax, it takes time before you kill yourself. your liver destroys eventually, whatever bad bag of blow, you're done. But the gambler, they can wipe themselves out in a matter of two and a half hours, the course of a ball game, everything they have saved to be gone. So they're worse than any other addicts out there. Go ahead.

Hey, Danny, I'm going to Vegas this weekend, and I don't want you to give picks away for free, but for some, I've done a little bit of sports gambling, and I'll win one, but I'll lose three. If you were going to Vegas, what would you look for, like, on the line? How would you do it if it was you? Well, depends on what sport you're looking at, Lee. Baseball stresses me out too much. I like that. Like baseball to the fucking three or four hour game, and I don't like it.

Don't watch it, though. You see, that's the problem, Lee. You know, it's boring. It's a long sport. Don't watch the fucking thing. You know, just place the bet. Look for the final score. That's my advice.

But going in there this weekend, you know, I would definitely, I'd like, like I said, Saturday, I don't know. Don't know if Louisville's going to cover the 10, 10 and a half. I think that they definitely win But I would if you're gonna bet a particular game out there And now today's only Wednesday We're talking Saturday Shit happens

Just take the fucking number on Saturday And call Danny direct Oh that's true Or go to the web page direct Tell me the flying June People like Even when you're buying these fucking pics Online in the morning

They're posted at 6 o'clock 7 o'clock AM Tipoff is 9 o'clock Eastern Whatever 10 a lot of shit transpired A lot of shit happens What's that pal? A lot of shit fucking happens That's why people are... Who do you like in the U.S. Phoenix week?

Shut the fuck out. Call me that's fucking Friday after the way in. You got to... You know, the best information usually comes an hour, two hours before a game starts, but some of your shoppers like the Philadelphia godfather, the Philly Godfather, he's been on your show. Those guys move five minutes before a game.

I like that move before again. But they're bringing in the steam. They're moving hundreds. Hundreds of thousands of dollars for... And there is a betting syndicate. People say, oh, there is a betting syndicate. It's a group of... successful betters that pull their money together,

and they have account them. They make so much fucking money. I've been in the places. There's fucking counting money. It's like, that's what they do. They count fucking money. There's big money in sports betting if you do it right. That's the whole thing.

If most people don't have a fucking clue, they can't pick their wife out of a photo lineup. If Janet Jackson 94, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, you're called. You know, we've been through a lot. We grew up. We did everything. You shit that he talked about every fucking,

every time on the church of what's happening now, he's telling you the truth. The guy that owned Joe Barry's name was George, and he was a loan shark. George was a lone shark. He was a big time loan shark, and then he got so big that he would write. He got to the point where he would write, he would check,

and you would have to go to the bank and cash it, but the guy at the bank already knew you were coming. That's how big this guy was, because he wanted, and I used to go to him for loans every other day. For some reason, this guy liked me, he kept giving me five for $7.50. for 75 a week for 10 weeks. Jamo. Jamo funded many pounds of wheat off of George's money.

And you know who else? Nick the Pizzeria guy. You know the Nick's pizzeria? Yes. The best. He liked to post money for fucking little operations. He wasn't stupid. He had all these kids eating his meatball parmesan sandwiches and juicing them out. Sure, you can have a sandwich today for 10 grand on Monday.

But, you know, the fucking thing is, hey, we survived it. You know, Mr. Askley said he is not doing too well. Did you hear that? Yeah. I talked to his nephew. I talked to Vinny Jr. Vinny's at Fresno, and he's going to transfer the Riverside to play Jukeld, and he's going to transfer out of there, and that becomes like an uncle to him. I talk to him every day.

About 1 o'clock he calls me, little Vinny that Susan's boy. Is that Vinny's son? Is that Vinny's son, Jimmy's son, Jimmy? Because there's a lot of, a lot of escalises. Hey, Dee, Dee, Dee, I got to cut you off and call you back in two minutes. I love you. Two minutes. You are okay. I'll talk to you. Thanks for having me. Bye, bye, bye, bye. he has to call back

we were getting another call you want me to call back no no no no switch over I can't switch over he hung up D he he's gone the other guy he was calling and he hung up you had a fucking say something

to get him started you fuck we had the other guy miscalculate what time is it at 730 yeah he miscalculate he thought it was 1030 all right we got a podcast what are you gonna do

what am I gonna fucking do let it's where we go here we go sorry he hung up again probably miscalculated the call. You see what happened? Yeah, sorry. It's a bad fucking day.

It's a bad fucking day. I'm stoned late. Yeah. I shouldn't eat that fucking chocolate. I just saw the devil. I was sitting there looking at that chair. I'm like, who's that? Is that Lisa?

I had on it. Beautiful fucking day to be alive. I hope you got something out of today. We got something. We got Stone to the Gills. And now we're ready to go out there. As you guys know, Saturday night. I'm in Nashville 1115 show.

Tickets of $10. bucks, just come on down. You know what that means? That means just come out now. You know what you expect who got to? We hang out, we smoke a number, and we all get home, maybe there's a cheeseburger place open or something like that. Saturday, I need this, cock-suckers. Miami, cut the fucking shit. I need

for you to go down there and pre-buy these tickets, if not they're going to fucking have me here by myself on 420 smoking numbers by myself. Where else would you rather be on 420? Here or down there with you fucking savages? 419. You got to go to the South Beach Comedy Festival.com. Pre-order your

fucking tickets, 20 bucks, Friday night, 8 o'clock, April 19th. Don't fuck around. You want the dates? I'm coming to Utah. I'm coming to Austin, Texas. You got to go to joey-deers.net. That's where you'll find the motherfucking hoodies. That's where you'll find the commemorative podcast t-shirt. And that's where you'll find all the late-breaking fucking info over here at the church of what's happening about Lee. You're fucked up. Yeah, it fucking made me smoking. They gave me the edible. You look like barabas. You have this fucking beard and everything. So we down. How many pounds? I was down to 66 when I finished juicing.

I've gained between 6 and 10 pounds. I'm up to like 50, 55. Now, what do you go to Vegas? Tomorrow. And what are your plans in Vegas? Do you have a plan on what you're going to eat, what you're bringing with you? The one thing I'm eating that you think is ridiculous is the stromboli. But other than that I'm going to be healthy.

I've been there before. It's fucking amazing. I don't care what you say. It's fucking delicious. This is what you're risking everything for. I'm not risking everything. One stromboli, I've stayed good. I haven't eaten out.

I haven't. I've been eating healthy every day So I deserve a motherfucking Stromboli And then when's your mom Come in? Next Friday And then what are you gonna do

When she's here Where are you taking it to eat What's going on? That uh We're going to that Um Garlic place you told me about And I'll figure out some other places

Be like going to sushi or something So I'll figure out some places All right I'm watching What's going on with the personal train That was gonna come on And make you run And they say you're gonna start running this week What happened?

No no no one's coming over I do need to With my time off I do need to be doing more of that but I haven't. They still got the gym here in the building? Yeah. Where is it?

It's down, look down there right now. Let's see what you got. I'm going to go over bed now. Bed? You're a jerk. You ain't going to fucking sleep. We've got to meet these people.

We've got things to do. That's what I said before you gave me the fucking edible. And I still got to, open your mouth. I'm going to throw this in there like a fucking seal. And that's it, people. I love you very much.

Whoa, when are you released the Vinny Curto? I put it up last night. All right, because I get tortured. I don't need to be people. I put it up. I told you guys. I put up the day.

I said I put up Tuesday. I said I put up Tuesday. I'm like whatever sent me fucking those things on Facebook. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. No, Monday's is up,

Tuesdays is up. I'll put today's up tonight. I do it when I say I'm going to do it. I don't like eating these things and doing these podcasts and get stoned. I go into a different direction. You don't like it. I told you last night.

I didn't want to do it when he called. No, you were the one that. Yeah, it'll be fun, you fuck. Oh, Jesus Christ. You got music for me or what? Do you want to do you want to do another? Barry White's on?

No, no, I don't want no Barry White. What else do you want to do? What's the... What's the... I'm going to stay here now with you. We're going to order some food. Do some jumping jacks. Have you done a jumping jack tonight?

No. Next week we want to put the camera in so you can see from this angle. Yeah, I'm kidding. I'm going to leave jumping jacks in the morning and sit up and fucking burpees. Where was the last time you did a burpee? What's a burpee? You know, a fucking thing where you go down, kick your legs and go right back up. Oh, oh, like, you do a jumping jack, go down and do a push up.

Yeah. Yeah. We'll do one of each. Fuck that. near this table, you're going to be a fucking superhero. You don't look like Jack Whelaine and Heat and shit, all right? Oh, shit. All right.

You know, I love you, cocksuckers. The animal will hit me too hard. I got a meeting. What am I going to do? I'm going to go home and talk to those cats now. I told you. Nah, see, it was all your fucking four cocksucker. I love you guys with all my heart.

Have a great weekend. Oh, before I forget, do me your fucking favor. All right? Go to the doctor if you need to. I'm 50. I go to the doctor every three weeks just to talk to the fucking guys. So you can look at somebody. I swear to you go to talk to shit.

Yeah, sometimes I just get high and talk to him. Just think of look at me to make sure everything's all right, man. So, do me a favor. Go to the doctor, get home, whatever. Hey, listen, if you start by walking down the corner and walking back, that's where it all starts right there, and that's what everything in your life. Bend over, pick up a paper. But you know what, it's Wednesday?

Do me a favor. Get it started. Get out there. You see a chick your like. Talk to her. Eat her ass. Do something. Don't sit there like this fucking Lee.

Look at him. He lost all this. wait, he's looking like Sinatra in 58 and he's walking around all shy and shit I'm gonna go to Vegas and three guys you're all gonna sleep in the same room I don't know you're making me suspectly What am I supposed to do? I can't

I can't roll like Matt Flavor and go to the Four Seasons and I don't fucking go to the four seasons I'm just saying no I don't whatever with the UFC tenses or something like that yeah but I don't go on no fucking poor tases What do you think you're dealing with you? You have a tab you say you're with a fucking Castro or something Would you fucking stop

There's no fucking tab no way I got a My money's just as green as yours. When I went to Vegas, when you go to Vegas, where else you're going to stay? You got to stay at one of those fucking places. You go online. It's like 160 or something, right? What are you paying? I don't know.

My friends wanted to stay at the Palazzo for some reason, but it'll be, it'll be fun. You guys are going to chase each other with it because you don't drink. I drink. No, I'll drink. None of you gamble. I gamble. This trip is a little suspect. How old is?

You got a picture of these fucking guys? On Facebook? I don't have a picture of my wallet. They're a little older than you? Yeah, they're like 30, 31, you? Holy do. Just tell me the truth that that's what's going on. What?

If you're going to Vegas to dance for two risks. No, I work with them at the movie theater. They're going to put a big dot. They're going to put a little skirt on you and shoot those little bone arrows with the stick them to hit you in the forehead, you know, your little dirty fucking bastard in you. If I was doing that, I wouldn't be driving to Vegas.

Well, why else would you go? I'd be a private jet. If I'm going to dance in a little skirt, I got them going to go in class. No, if they're going to dance in the skirt, you're going to stuck their little stomache in. That's what I'm saying. I'm driving in a flight.

fucking car. Lee, why you're busting my boss for the man, I'm sorry. You better get it together. Go to honit.com

for all your products. The kettlebell is pretty fucking cool and Joey Diaz's kettlebell but it don't exist. I was going to say, is that real? 100 fucking pounds.

I talked to the guy the other day. We were laughing our asses off. But anyway, do me a favor. Have a great week. The Vinny Curto live podcast is up.

Listen to it. Tell us what you think. If you think we should keep doing it, right or wrong, if you want to email me whatever, love, hate,

joeydiers. That's all there. Lee Syatt's on fucking Twitter at Lee Syatt. I'm at Matt Flavor. My hand... I'm never getting this fucking high again in the morning. You understand? You're bumped up. But I like it. Lee, hit me with some fucking music.

Little Groovers in the heart. Get these people going. It's fucking Wednesday. I'll tell you something. I'm happy King of Julie.