The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 04/10/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #70

Episode Date: April 12, 2013

Last Comic Standing Winner Felipe Esparza and comedian Tommy "Buns" Segura call in today. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Streamed live on 04/10/2013

Oh shit. Listen to this motherfucker. This is real solidness. Are you kidding me or what? It's Wednesday. April 10th. Get up, you fuck. Watch that helmet.

It's going to be a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Hit it, Lee. Oh shit. Wednesday. The church of what's happening now. The co-host and the main man, Lee Syatt. What's up, guys? Without the fucking juicing.

Blast it. This is the real fuck. I can see it right here. Are you fucking getting me? There's one line about... Let's get it out of the way. This is my first fucking song ever. Kick that motherfucker.

What do you mean? This is your first song ever? When I heard this, when I came from Cube, I don't know what year I heard this. I was either five or five. All right, I was six. Easy. And I lived on 205 West 88th Street. Okay. And I heard this. Kick it. Kick it right here.

Love this. Oh shit. I think a dumb, dun, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. All the Chiquitas in Omaha. I didn't even know what fucking Omaha was, but I knew I was going.

You follow me? I knew I was fucking going. You know why, dog? When I came, I used to think that they were saying American man. I made my mother buy the single and put out the fucking Spanish bar. And every time I was there,

I'd get a handful of fucking quarters and keep playing. I wanted to be such a fucking American. At that time, that little kid in this song came out. To me, that song is like my national anthem. I get you fucking nothing. I haven't heard this before.

And it sounds like the rock. Like if you were going to make a theme for American rock. That's it. American rock hanging out with rednecks, fucking cowboys, long-haired motherfuckin' smoking dope, talking about how to overcome the fucking enemy in this goddamn country. That's how you fucking listen to that shit. You're just sitting there going, let's start by fucking killing the fucking...

Whatever. Don't get me started. It's a beautiful day to be a lot of it, brother. Fucking beautiful. They had a great time last night with Ari Shafia, cheaters that the striped off. I couldn't go. I'm pissed off.

I couldn't go. Because you're not supposed to go to work until April 29th, and they fucking always put you together. They always do this to you. They hurt my feelings. You're part of the church of what's happening. What am I supposed to do? You haven't had a boss to call you in for fucking 20 years.

Because I took a chance, because I'm going to do this day. Yeah, I want to. Over here, we're doing good. And we're trying. And we're trying to go back the work. The camera's doing it. It's here. I walked in this morning. It's got a fucking short time. White as fucking

Jew legs. You ever seen your life? I thought he was trying to seduce me. I was ready to stab him in this fucking Jew's stomach. But it's a fucking beautiful day to be alive. You're here. You're an American. That's what the point I'm trying to make with that song. This is a partner there when he goes, we'll come into your town. We'll help you party

down. We're an American fucking band, okay? You're going to rehab when we leave, and your mouth's going to be stretched up, and the cocks we're going to put in it. But you're in a fucking party with an American band. That's all that happens. You don't know.

Anyway. Jesus Christ. That's what you thought when you were five. That's who I thought when I was five and I heard that. That song

used to just rattle me. Rattle me. Rattle me. I can't tell you how much it would just take me from point A to point B within minutes. I'd run.

Yeah, you're already on your second joint of being here which I'm sure is like your third or fourth joint of the day. Nah, I did just too. I got a slow start this, Mike. I didn't get home to about 1115 last night.

I was going to make a cup of coffee and hang out I'll tell you what, I fucking couldn't. I was so tired. I ate a fucking something. Ooh, a bang chocolate bar. Jesus. About 175 milligrams.

I was tied up. I had to go to the doctor the last two days from my hearing. You know, I'm fucking deaf. Yeah. It's official. It's over. Because I come back in six months, we'll consider him putting some apparatus in your fucking ear or something.

My left ear, I can't really focus on sound. I can hear. So when you talk to me, you have to talk to me on my right side. Okay. And I'm getting old, folks. This is what happens. Well, you also blast. You don't listen to music.

You blast music. Since day one. Since day one, there's only one way to fucking blast it. I love loud music. And if it ain't loud enough, I like earphones. And I'll line it up there. When I had my fucking Walkman, let's say, this is how long I've been blasting my fucking ears.

I had a separate power booster that you buy. Sony. They made those for Walkman? For Walkman. Oh, shit. Equalizers? Yeah, yeah. Tremendous.

I've still got one at the house with an iPod. Oh shit. So you plug it into the iPod and then you put the speakers into there and it goes through there. You fucking blast your head off. Blast your fucking head off. I love it. I love loud shit. Get stoned and just sit back and listen to like Master Reality all fucked up.

At least you enjoyed the sound when you can hear it. What you do? I'm going to smoke this bone by myself, Lee. I've already smoked with you. Come on. Let's get this party started. It's fucking Wednesday, April 10th. You know, the fool is fucking dead.

I'm like to do this, cock suck. It's a beautiful day here. You know, I told the story last. Last night on the thing that you guys have heard before about how I got off the drugs, you know, I made a promise to a cat, my little Superbad who, when you walk in my house and you look at my other cats, you're like, you're some pretty good-looking cats, and you look at Superbad. He's like, he's like the Maryland from the Munsters, you know what I'm saying? He's like, really? Yeah, yeah, Superbad's not a handsome cat, but he's very warm. Like when you're sitting there watching TV, he's stabbing him the fucking arm.

Oh, yeah. What the fuck's wrong with you? And he lays on you. He's very loving. I gave him a lot of love, but that cat was a fucking tyrant in the beginning. That's why his name was Superbad. Well, he still is a little bit, which is funny because when I came over, when you were leaving, I was coming over to play with the cats, and, like, you were to tell me, like,

this one and this one, they can't be together. He's going to fight. No, him and Superbad or him and Fidel. Him and Fidel are, like, tolerable. Like, he takes shit from Fidel, but I tell you what, he fought Fidel, and he fought Fidel to the fucking debt. They got into a half of a fuck. Recently?

About a year and a half ago when I was on banana bread. and I just went into a nervous fucking neck breakdown. I can't handle that shit. I'm not going to lie to you. When two animals start fighting, I'm fucking heartbroken. Yeah, because we were over there, and, like, it was a super bad and Harry. And they were just, like, kind of looking at each other, and, of course, you knew what was going to happen. Oh, look at each other all fucking day, and they start making noises, and then you hear a ruckus.

Yeah, but you have one of those air horns that they have in basketball games, and you don't even let it happen. Like, aren't cats supposed to do that? Or, like, you don't even let it happen? No, I don't even like to look. No, no, no. You got a nipping in the bud like they should have stopped Hitler in Munich. That's it.

You got to nip that shit in a fucking butt. It's like when you got a litching your balls, spray that shit with Destinix, figure it out. Because you don't want that shit spread and you're going to get a blowjub. It smells like a grilled cheese sandwich down there. We don't yield. So, no, I don't want no fights in my house.

I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. We're animals. We're family. How can you be fucking braw in my fucking house? Okay. So I don't like that.

You know, not even when I'm high. it's not cute. Doggy, I'll put you into a fucking state of panic. One day, I'm doing something in the office, and I'm hearing this commotion in the fucking living room, right? I'm like, what the fuck is this? I'm hearing, like, walls getting hit.

Jesus? Boom. The first time they started with them, I was in the kitchen, and I heard something, I thought it was burglars. It was that loud? In the bedroom about two years ago. And it started between Finney, Fidel.

Dimmie? No, it started between Derry. Demmy? Really? Super bad. Oh, there was a war in the fucking bedroom. I had to take the cats and separate them and put them in different bedrooms at that time. That's who's terrible.

It was fucking horrible. Fidel had to go into the bedroom. Super bad had to go into the office. Harry had it going to the bathroom. I had to put the other one in the kitchen. It was fucking terrible. How to put one in a cage. That's how it started.

And then it evolved into about a week later. I'm hearing this in the, this is the best one ever. And Superbad is. fighting with somebody like they're starting their little fucking yeah you know that noise shit yeah and they're eyeball on each other their eyeball on each other I'm like what the fuck's this gonna go down because I walk in I go soup bad this motherfucker went off the couch and looked like whoever he was fighting yeah he had just been so mad then when I go soup bad he looked at me and he goes dad you know

he just went on look these motherfuckers he looked at whoever got into the fight with and he went and attacked him like just jumped on this fucking cat I think was Harry okay And after I broke him and Harriet, he was, this is a true story, I broke them up and he was facing Fidel on the couch. So this is going on by the fireplace. Yeah. And Fidel is on the couch. I'm doing laundry.

I'm folding laundry. Yeah. And I pushed the whites to the side. I got the whites and I'm putting the socks together. Yeah. So the basket with the laundry is under Fidel. Okay. Super bad.

Spots fucking Fidel. Jump's on the couch. Like, you know what? since I'm fucking you up, I might as well fuck that big motherfucker up over there. This is a little super bad. He jumps on the fucking couch on the thing,

like the way of your hamper, and he walks it like a burglar. Eyeball and Fidel, like, you better fucking get ready. I'm coming after you. This was like something out of a movie. I'm like, oh my God. He went up to Fidel

and they started battling on the table. Batling. Like just two. Fucking lights are going. Lights fall down. You know, the light with the basket. That all went down. Books went flying.

These two fucking momos fall into the laundry basket, and the laundry basket tips over and it lands on them. It's like a cage fight. So it's a cage fight. And I'm crying, right? At that time, I'm fucking going in Spanjulix. I'm drooling. You know what I'm going to have a fucking retard.

Here's my two loves of my life. I can't have this shit. I can't have it. I finally pick it up. Fiddell's got a scratch on his face. Superbad's got a couple scratches on his face, but Superbad took it to him. Yeah, because Fidel's like twice as his size.

Twice his fucking size. And Superbad's like, not today. Not today. This is what Jitsu is all about. No, let me ask you one thing. Go ahead. House don't re you. Because like you imagine this.

Fucking stone. You know, I didn't expect this shit in my house. Listen, I stay in my house. That's what shit don't happen. You follow I'm saying? I stay in my house. That shit don't fucking happen. And it happens.

So, listen, I love those. I love those. For people who don't know, last week when I went on vacation, it was great. You know, it was great to be. my in-laws, but I miss those fucking cats. I feel so fucking guilty.

If there would be an earthquake, I'd probably kill myself. I don't know. I don't know what I would do if I did something to cause something to happen bad to those cats. Now, but you know, like, it's like an earthquake, you didn't cause it, but you would feel, if you left in there was an earthquake, it would be your fault? Yeah, if I was staying outside the World Trade Center on an umbrella and that thing got hit, it would be my fucking fault. I'm one of those guys. You know, it's like Archley, you're the kiss of death. Yeah.

But you think of these cats, when I lived in Hollywood, I saw an earthquake one day. I was in the office. And I was looking at the food bowl. Something made me look at them eating. Yeah. And they stopped eating, and they were walking into the living room, and all of a sudden the fucking building tipped. You have no idea when there's an earthquake.

And I say this story all the time. It was horrifying to me. I don't give a fuck what I tell you about Harlem and drugs and guns. I'm telling you, you don't know. you don't know what it's like when the fucking building's shaking Yeah, it's terrible And you're stoned

Again, you know It's fucked up to be caught off guard When you're on Reefer, you get caught off guard That's the fucking worst You know, some Chinese guy Want to attach you with new chucks But to be fucking high That's another

That's a fucking other So I saw the bowl This is how much the building tipped Yeah The building tipped At such a quick speed That the bowl stayed in the air

And so that the fucking cats I saw all the cats like fun We're fucking moving So Listen I just worry about the fucking animals That's my point here You fuck, that's my point We say I want to smoke some more dope

This was a mixture I went over to Let me tell you some We're very lucky here And then medical marijuana Ville here But I'm working with two stores That are fucking tremendous

Number one divine wellness And they're not my sponsor I'm just telling you guys If you're in the area If you come visit If you come visit And you don't have a fucking license In fact, I got to go renew my license today.

All right. It was a year. April 10th. I got to go pay the 60. Okay. I think it's down to like 45. I'm going to go there this afternoon. Today is a special day at the house.

Why? My wife is going back to work. Are you having a good party? No, she's cracked. My poor wife is cracked. She's ready to go back? No. Oh, she's not?

No, no, no, no, no, no. But she feels guilty. They paid for the baby, the whole thing. my wife is like you she doesn't want to I want to fucking go back to work no Lee has gotten this new thing you don't want to work Lee's like fuck I just want to work with you and we're gonna do it let's go full time

we're gonna go full not with the podcast with other things other things it's just I had like a week off and when you like there's so I was mad the other night I tweet something there's so much waste at these offices like I saw you said the amount of people it's just like there's people who are in charge who are just doing things wrong

and like there are so many people at the office especially at night who I had like an hour's worth of work last night and I stretched it into six because I didn't want to leave before then but I like it's just the amount of waste that happens there and especially when I have stuff like with you that I could be doing I feel like what am I sitting here in an office for like and it's it is scary not having that paycheck but I would rather I'd rather go play blackjack for half a week and come back here and do stuff with you and do podcast and do podcast and stuff and stuff so So it's just, it's that kind of weird. And I'm sure with your wife, like, before the kid came, she'd say, like, oh, I would be ready to go back to work. But now that she has the kid, she's like, wait, I'm missing stuff with my daughter to count money for other people. Oh, my God, she's, I saw her yesterday. About fucking 15 years ago, I started dating her. And my wife was a special fucking bird. We were, she wanted to quit smoking.

It was like you. She wanted to quit smoking. one day she goes I can't smoke cigarettes no more even part time I don't like him at night I go how long you've been smoking she goes since college I go you think you can quit yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I'll never forget seeing her I got the eighth day of quitting guys she was fucking pet she had this look on her eyes but her eyes are beautiful blue eyes but they get light light when she's in danger

when her mental is fucked up you can tell because her eyes get light light light blue and pinned like she's doing heroin. That's when you know my wife has got something on her mind. When her eyes are pinned, that Indian, that fucking American Indian in her, her eyes get blue and pinned. That means something's fucking, and her hair gets dry. It starts popping from the ponytail tail. She's got something on her mind. She's got to tell you.

That's funny that you know her that while after this long? Oh, yeah. You could tell. When I came in from that thing and she hadn't smoked that eight days, she looked at me and she goes, I'm going to the store to get a pack of cigarettes. just by looking at the pain of her face, I understood. Then she quit, no problem the next time. But yesterday when I was leaving to go to Ari's show,

she was sitting there, she was bad with her eyes with pain, and she was thinking about going back to work. But she likes the job. It's one of those things. It's like me at 8 o'clock when I have to go to kickboxing, and I'm like, eight a fucking corner. I don't want to go to kickboxing. And then once I get in the car, and I go, you know,

I get there, once I'm stretching and I hit the bag, you're like, fuck it, I'm happy I came. You know? My wife has good friends at that job. I've been with my wife for a long time, and I'll tell you, she was at a couple. You know my wife worked at Starbucks in Gayville? No. You know my wife was making like 200 a day working part-time at the Starbucks in Boys Town in the gay neighborhood in Santa Monica?

No. Because that's the most prosperous fucking gay guys tip. They kept that much. Holy shit. She was working with three guys, three chicks or something, and she was coming on with a deuce of day, three days a week, 600 in tips and fucking salad. Jesus. That's what my wife did. she got the job as the accountant.

You know, like she fucking... I didn't know that. I knew about the comedy store, but I didn't know about it. Yeah, the comedy store, and she quit there to do taxes and to fucking do the Starbucks. Then she didn't like that, so she flew over to the Disney Center, whatever fuck she works.

Okay. And that's how, that's what she does. But I could tell last night as I was leaving her poor little eyes, she was fucking whacked, bro. Well, you said it a bunch of times. Like, she didn't expect the kid in like this is a happy... No, no, no. She didn't expect nothing.

Nothing. This is, uh, This is her, you know, this is her whole life, guys. Yeah. Do you think she's going to last six months? No. No. I think she'll go to December and get the fuck out of Dodge.

Yeah. You know, we're going to see what happens before we make a move or whatever. We're taking you to Vegas, Lane. We're taking you to Nashville. It's over. Let's do it. We're going for fucking. There's nothing for me here.

But I had some, I wanted to get your opinion on something. Something happened to me last night that I think you've probably been on both sides of, and it made me feel bad, but I feel like I did the right thing. And when I went to Vegas, I took a lot of money out because they charge you to take money out at ATMs in Vegas. And I actually came back on top, so I had some money on me. And I wanted to go return it last night at the ATM. And when I got there, there was one guy at the ATM. And for some reason, I didn't like him.

So I waited in my car. And I saw him. He walked up and he did the thing on my door handle. My passenger side, he looked in. I said, this isn't your car. He's like, uh? And then he walked in and got in another car. And he just sat there with his buddies.

and I sat there for like five, ten minutes just waiting for them to leave and they didn't leave and I had a weird feeling and I didn't go to the ATM and I'm asking you this because I went to school in Boston and I never got mugged or anything

but you try to be aware of things and I'm sure nothing would have happened with this guy but I felt like less of a man like I felt like why didn't I just get out of the car like why am I being afraid of of some people in a car like has that ever had like you ever been money?

all the time. When I lived in, when my mother first had the dry clean in the Bronx, I was about six or seven. Yeah. And I would go up there on Saturdays, and one day, I was at a toy store. Yeah. And I had $20 in my hand. Now, in those days, for a seven-year-old, I have a $20 fucking bill.

Yeah. It was like rare. It was like having a hundred now. Yeah. And I had the 20 in my hand, like a fucking Momo with a top stuck out. Yeah. You can see it was a 20. And they used to be gangs in those days.

There's a documentary on gangs now about the rural javelins and the ghetto brothers and I think it was the Royal Javins chase me but I was fucking lightning quick in those days and I would jump through fences and I knew all the paths of the Bronx in the back of the dry cleaner yeah but that's the only time but one time in Sacramento not Sacramento one of those towns up north

after a show they want to lure me into a car and the promoter was like don't go with those guys different things Lee it doesn't make you half of a man you know what stresses me out and I hate to say it on a fucking podcast sometimes when I see a midget sometimes when I see a midget I'm ain't laughing

Why? Because I don't know. Maybe they want to fight me, and what do you do? You have to kick them. You know how embarrassing that is to go to jail for kicking a fucking midget if he goes crazy on me or something like that? I have fears and dilemmas, too. There's certain people I see that you feel like you're a porcupine. You have to put your spikes up.

When I see those people, I don't want to be around them. Yeah, I mean, especially... You did the right thing. You grew up in the city too, and I'm just like... I never understand when... Sometimes people get mugged and it's not their fault. First of all, you never put money into a fucking ATM. Hold on to it to the next day and spend it.

Because you never have, in the week you got money to leave. No, why not? Why not? Because you're going to put, don't put money back of ATM. You put checks into a fucking ATM. Don't waste your time at 9 o'clock. You know that you're of Van Nuys. You're a block away.

We're four blocks away from hell at night. They lit a fucking lady on fire a couple months ago, the bus stop up there. You never seen? The black lady, the homeless lady. They don't fuck around on Van Nuys. You told me that they had hookers up here. Oh, yeah, yeah. They don't fuck around.

There's a fucked up neighborhood. If I pull up to a 7-11 and I see, pure or four people. I'm not Clint Eastwood. I'm not going to gun it out with nobody. You just know. You know through body language. I know body language because I used to have that body language. Yeah. So I know how you move. I know what you're looking at. I could tell by somebody what they're looking at.

You know, it's a split second. Yeah. Or I tell my wife all the fucking time. My wife will open up a purse to get a coupon and turn and look. That split second? A guy like me can pop your fucking wallet out of your purse or your iPhone or whatever the fuck you got. It's situations like that that you have a brain fart that Somebody could take fucking over you. That's why you have to listen to Pink Floyd fucking dogs every day.

You got to be crazy. You got to have a fucking real need. You got to sleep on your fucking toes. You got to watch. You got a fucking watch. Why do you think at the age of 19 I stopped drinking on New Year's Eve? Because you got a fucking watch. Yeah.

I don't turn my back to a fucking door. I don't do nothing like that. You know, you got cash in your fucking pocket. You're on double alert. If you put two gold chains on like half these momos, after 11, you're taking a fucking chance. You did the right thing. Don't ever feel like less of a man

because you avoided the situation. You're not in business to, you know. It just felt like, it felt weird. And like, I mean, I grew up in Boston and then I wouldn't. You had a feeling. You had a feeling within your fucking balls. Listen, your stomach don't lie to you. Yeah.

Your feelings don't, your initial fucking feeling is all that matters. That's what pisses me off about people. That's why people are saying, what the fuck? That's funny because that was your initial fucking thought. You're sitting around with four people. It's that. thing, the Grammys, whatever it was a couple weeks ago, when Mrs. Obama comes on.

And you're like, damn, Mrs. Obama's looking fucking good. That's the first thought that comes to your fucking mind. That's what people want to hear from you. That's the thought that when people hear from you, they go, wow, this guy is real. If you let that thought come out, wow, I would suck Mrs. Obama's pussy. You know, that thought that goes through your mind, like something like that? I'm just making something up here, guys.

Don't dig me literally. But that's what's funny about people, because that's the heartbeat of your fucking mind. That's the words that are coming in. out of your soul. That's why it pisses me on. You're sitting in a fucking car. Right? I mean, come on, let's be honest here. You're sitting in a fucking car, and you see fucking

Superfly, some black guy, and the thing, swiping the car and make me leave. He hits a fucking doorknob. You know, in the back of your mind look at this fucking nigger. He's going to rob me. I mean, that's the fucking truth. I'm not racist. I'm just telling you how the fuck. That's what your mind says to you. Yeah. That's what your mind says

to you after 10 o'clock at night. I'm not being offensive to black me. I'm just telling you the fucking truth. That's the shit that people want to hear. And when we hear that from ourselves, it scares us. It fucking has always killed me. It scares us because that's what we don't want to hear. That's what society doesn't want to hear. But that's what we think.

Who the fuck of you kid? Last night I was at the storyteller show, it doesn't bother me. But this guy said something about, so I'm driving in LA and there's a young Mexican boy, and people laughed, a young Mexican criminal. People laughed. That little circle of people have a little bit of racism. I'm not Mexican.

It don't affect me. but that's the same type of fucking thing. It's very hard to laugh. That's the first voice in your head. I used to hang out with a kid that used to narrate life and we'd be walking. Some guy would be walking with a fucking club before he'd go look at me at a rough night.

Something. He always fucking had little things to say. So after hanging out with him for all those years, when I still lived in Boulder, it would say the same shit. You know, I'd see a guy with long hair. Look at this filthy fuck. You know, I see a chick with a missing eye.

Look at somebody gang banged They're in the eyeball There's always something That that initial thing That's what funny is So when you get that people Whatever fucking gut feeling you have Just go with it

Your gut never lies to you Yeah that happens a lot Fuck yeah Fuck yeah Where's that biggie shit You're gonna play for me Fat Man Alert Fat Man Alert

It's fucking Wednesday Count your calories But if you don't count them Who gives a fuck Biggie Smalls Then count fucking calories It's Wednesday, motherfuckers Watch that pussy

Like I said on Twitter Dreams of Dreams, you gotta get out there And fucking do something today Get a gun I don't give a fuck Just don't shoot nobody with it You're gonna rob somebody I don't get mad of you

What the fuck Somebody I got a suitcase With a box of diamonds in it The economy's bad You put a gun through his head Take the diamonds nobody gets shot This guy's gonna get his insurance back Everybody makes their fucking

What the guy got a little thrill-seek The back of the club Zipping my way is where you find me Roll that number Lee, you know what time of this? What time is? It's time for a new fucking number. Jesus, you brought a lot of them today.

I'm telling you, I bought a G-ball I was telling you. Oh shit, this is just too. Why blow up my spot what we both got? The chicken. Oh shit. Look at this fucking joint.

Imagine putting this up your asshole. I just leave it there for like a year and then you got arrested you pull it out to fucking sell. Tremendous. Did you ever do that with anything when you got arrested? I was fucking kidding me, no.

I never... No, I didn't mean to join, but like, I don't know if you hit anything up there. No, but there's people who stick 22s up their ass and shit with silences and hats. I don't know how the fuck they do it. I feel bad when I puncture a kidney or something like that. Do you ever, like, eat a whole bag of coke

or nothing like that? Nothing like they said they have in the movies? No. No, no, no, no. I never, you know what, man, when I got locked up, I fucked around a few times, but I saw the people that were getting high and getting caught, because they're going to catch you, got a P-test you.

Oh, yeah. The state automatically does three P-tests a day at that time. So every fucking couple day, every day, they come knock on your door. Now, some days you had a, it was by the state, and some days you had the staff pick. Okay.

And do you know all those eight months I was in there? I walked the thin line. I never got paid to fucking do a piss test. Oh, geez. What were we talking about the other day? I took a test to be the attorney. And when I got pretty... Wasn't you talking about it to San Diego?

You know, you were asking me what I did, and I told you that it was easy. That first I became the baker, and after I became the baker, they didn't really fuck with me no more because I was the stock clerk. And I used to hide the drugs for people, steroids and heroin and heroin and speed in my thing under the crates. Okay. And they never brought the dogs back there. the state would come around with dogs once a month or something. It was fucking crazy.

But I learned the other side of it. I learned about what people do when they're addicted. Like, this is what they'll do. This is the extremes that they'll go. It's funny, I told the story with the cat, me getting off the blow. But I had to rewrite it over the weekend. Why? When I got back in Tennessee, just so it could be sharp.

You know, sometimes you rewrite a story out on paper, and you look at it and you make little corrections on the story. I would never do that three years ago now that we're fucking rock and roll and I got to look over everything and just looking over it I thought about that last year and me getting high

and I get all these emails from people that we helped with their addiction or whatever and it's so weird how man I was there I remember how bad I was Lee I remember that you couldn't count on me as a human being and even though I loved what I did

as a comic and I loved all this shit I loved the drugs fucking more I liked that fear and the last five years the drug was uncomfortably. It wasn't like I was having a good time. When I was getting high, I would go to a place of, not anger, but I would go to a place of like frustration because I didn't want to get high anymore. I just didn't fucking want to get high no more.

But I still needed to go out there and get that $60 piece, you know, $60 piece, you know, twice a night. Now, you just did the opening with Ari for one of his podcasts. Right. And the kid he had on did heroin for like a year and a half. half. It wasn't nearly as long as you did drugs. But the way he described it was that he took the drugs at the worst

point. Not to get high, but to feel normal. Like it wasn't even like, like, he had to take it to feel normal instead of trying to get high. Is that was that what was happening? Like, you just, like you didn't feel more. No, because I didn't do it in the daytime. I did it at night. No, I felt fucking normal. I felt normal. I just felt, uh, I didn't, not that I didn't feel normal.

I felt that, uh, I like you, I was missing out on something by doing. this. It was time to quit. Like, what the fuck am I doing? But on the other hand, I also felt that if I quit, I wouldn't be funny anymore on stage. It would take that craziness

and that edge off me. It's funny that way before I got high, guys, I was fucking crazy. Yeah. Like, I remember kids saying, you're fucking crazy. How are you talking shit like that? You're crazy. So I knew, for those standards,

I wanted to take a chance. And, man, when you're addicted, whether it's oxy-cotts, any opiates, My heart goes out to you. I've never been addicted to opiates. I wasn't addicted to blow anymore. I was addicted to the action. Okay.

And one day, I didn't need the action no more. Sometimes you need action in your life. I'm an action guy. You know what, action is at least doing something, making something happen at night. Instead of writing a joke, that's action. You know, I've been reading the Stephen King book. This is the second time.

And it's amazing that this is Stephen King. I understand why people come to me and ask me questions. about comedy and sometimes I get insulted because I'm like why are they asking me I'm a loser you know ask fucking Cat Williams or ask a real strategic comic the people that the books that you read about artists you want to read about the struggle okay and I like reading about the struggle but I also want to read about his point of view and his point of view is almost as bad as I am Stephen King is a fucking savage he really fucking is a fucking animal when you read on writing this This guy is a fucking animal.

You know, when he talks about his drug use, and he talks about his mind and how he's a stoner. Is he really? He makes me feel okay because I know I'm okay. You know, he says he talks about, there's that one spot in the house where you like reading a book. It's like a chair. He describes it, and he describes you what you like to read.

He talks about what you should be writing a day. Like, if you don't do this, you're a fucking loser. So you're reading this going, You're right. He's like, if you don't write, let's say, a thousand words a day, you're wasting your time. You should write a book. He says he wrote a book in a week one time. He wrote another book in three fucking months. You know, this guy sets a work standard for people. That is amazing. You know, I listen to the London Reel podcast. I got pissed at those guys because they keep retweeting to people like, you know, Doug Stanhope retweet. Doug's got his own fucking problems. He's not going to retweet a fucking podcast. I love Doug to dogg. Don't be bothering people with that shit. But I had a great time with him. You came that day. Oh, it was so fucking stone.

I was so fucking stone. I'm like, what did I say on that fucking podcast? I know I went off on Hindus and the fucking... I only remember, like, halfway in. I was talking about the fucking yoga guy that got caught for sexual abuse with the sauna yoga. And I love yoga and I love Hindus, but that guy's a filthy, fucking freaky fucking Hindu. He's like a Hindu sandisky. Fucking these weak white chicks that they go in there.

Yoga's great. And you know it only if you ever go to yoga in Hollywood You'll see it You'll see that it's like Oh my God You have to go see Mahisha Lisa yet You know It's like a white dude with a beard

That was raised in Kentucky with a suntan He's like he studied in India This guy, the only India he went to Is Rahnian's fucking restaurant The backyard they do yoga there on Tuesdays And you know These fucking people bite into it And you look at these people

And you're like you know what Why don't you go do some fucking heroin You really need that shit. You believe that some... And these guys are in their barefoot with those Hindu feet. Curries coming out of them, that fucking Shoshiba juice

and all that shit they eats coming out of them in there. The heat's up to 150. They're sweating that goat fucking nutball. And there's these white chicks that come from family and welfare. And they go down there and put their fucking lips on that Hindu dick's stem and they suck the guy's dick to learn

how to fucking do downward dog. You fucking crazy. Oh, he changed. my life. Get your fucking shit together. Lee, what the fuck? We're talking here. What's happening, brother? Nothing, man. You want to smoke some more dope? You think it's time? Sure.

What time is it? What the fuck? What are you staring at? What are you staring at? No, I think it's saying someone called, but it didn't ring at all, so it's just weird. Yeah, it did call. Look what time is. Put the fucking volume on. It is on. Then if they called...

Here we go. Yeah. What's up, player? What's up, fool? is my boy over here telling Lee you just called a couple minutes ago, right? Yeah. Fucking Lee said the phone didn't ring. Lee, I got a knife right here.

I swear to God. You didn't eat the edible year and day and now you're saying my man, I fucking stab you. What's happening, baby? What's up right now? You sound fucking good. Felipe Sparza on the fucking phone.

One of my soldiers and shit. What's happening, baby? Talk to Uncle Joey. He's waking up right now, man. Did you have some coffee? Did you have some coffee? No, just tea I'm a lot of the coffee

All right, do you drink coffee? Tea and G-Pen And what else? The G-Pen Oh, you do the G-Pen too Yeah You bad, motherfucker What's going on in your life?

Talk, are you still a vegan? Yeah, I'm still a vegan 100% Talk to, you're the only Mexican in history That's a fucking vegan, you follow me? I know, man, I'm signing out No, you ain't selling out You're setting the standards

You see these fuck Some of these Mexicans go to Zoom but nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Another Mexican can't really drink milk. That's why we're always shitting ourselves. Are you serious?

They can't drink. We're running to the bathroom. You can't drink fucking milk. You can drink milk. You can't drink milk your fuck. Well, you don't know if any Mexican, ask them. They cannot go through the glass of milk without running to the bathroom

and shitting themselves in five minutes. Huh. That's fucking weird. Dairy is not part of our system, man. It never was, it never will be. Well, that must be somebody else that puts cheese on their fucking burritos. Oh, man, we're always shitting on us. Oh, I love cheese, man.

I love fucking cheese in those fucking burritos, but. I'm going to boil ice, man, where I grew up, beating cheese burrito for a still $2.50, man. Refrived beans with lard, extra cheese. Forget about it, man. I love it. There's a place over here. What's the Big Tonys on Riverside, across from Rouse and Cold Water? Oh my God, fucking Felipe

They make a bean and cheese burrito And they put pico And a couple slices of avocado On that motherfucker God damn You go in there You smoke a fucking number I love it

I love it They put a piece of chicken On a better salad You don't eat chicken either No man I don't eat no meat before And I don't eat no meat I don't eat no bacon

No fat Man I'm one of those fat people I'm a fat vegan man Do you eat turkey bacon I don't know I ain't nothing It was meat in it man I got sick like two years ago

I was like I was low carbary You know I was gonna lose weight And then I got constipated And I had hemorrhoids My first hemorrhoids My first hemorrholy was like

Two years ago Bleeding out of my ass I remember my first hemorrhoid I met him in the sixth grade I still got a cock sucker Listen I got to talk to him about something when I watch your stand-up, the one thing I admire you by you,

I admire your character on stage, but I've always admire your writing. You know, I've always fucking admired your writing. You've always been a good writer, you know? And I'm reading the Stephen King book on writing, and he talks about how, you know, for a novel in a sense, that you should write 10,000 words a day

or 1,000 words a day. How much writing do you do a day, Philippe? I'm like, 10 cents it is a day, man. and you used to go to your coffee shop and get high with your computer and cut C, see... Oh, man, I used to a fucking muscle. I used to do that. I used to do more.

I used to be over there to Silver Lake, you know, going through my... On my laptop, just looking at everybody else, right screenplays, and I was just trying to find girl on my space. And you used to cut CDs and sell them at the fucking improv. You didn't give a fuck, Jack. Like a doctor.

He'd go down there, do a guest set, and I'd leave, and he'd have fucking CDs outside homemade with stickers and fucking old photos he didn't give a fuck no case no nothing all I fucking cut people will call me up and I'll call me up

I go Felipe can do this gig and I'd be like how would it cost I'm going to pay 50 bucks okay I'll be there an hour and I'll be burning like 10 CDs in one hour and then I rush to the gig and start up for $10 each make a hundred dollars and spend it on the way home

I remember that fucking you used to sell CDs right outside right outside fucking of the improv it was something that I never seen before

because you usually see that on the road you know people do it on the road but not in town only like Darren Carter a couple hustlers and you're a fucking

hustler dog you're a fucking you're the last of the Mohicans have you read this book like uh whatever his name is Stephen King

on writing Felipe you got to read it bro you know why you got it guys like you have to read this because you realize there ain't fucking nothing wrong with you Felipe, this guy's crazy than us, Felipe.

Crazy. Talks about doing blow for days and writing books. Can you imagine, Felipe, me and you doing blow in a room and writing fucking books about Mexican getting chased with fucking... Are you fucking kidding me? That's where your imagination comes from. I never thought about it that way. It makes me want to go fucking get a gram and write a book.

I used to write a lot when I used to do meth when I used to live over there in Frogtown, or Emilio Rivera Rivera. Okay. I don't know why, but I would do like, I do like two lines and not just start writing. Like apologies. I used to do coke and thought I was a mathematician, dog.

That was the worst. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And I start writing, like, sad letters today, you know, but real poetic. And then you wake up in the morning, you're like, what the fuck's wrong with me? I ain't ever writing these.

I know. I can't send them. Look, and it's wet, fucking crying. You're like You're like, I can't Son of an apology, let I still owe that bitch $180 and shit

I can't believe how much money I probably still owe And people like that motherfuckeruckers In movies He still owes me $48

I still You know what I know my father Like $11,000 Just in gambling Does he ever Try to call you and get the Vig? Oh hell no man

She might be The gangster, man My dad, man He got his big old settlement for years, man. Like, he hurt his back when I was a kid and he got fucked by a lawyer.

First of all, he blamed that shit on me, man, because he might not speak no English. He's still going to speak English. He's been taking me along to translate his whole life. So I'm here to translate for a lawyer when I was like 15 and my dad finally got the money, you know, and he fucked her rent off.

You should write a bit about it. That's fucking funny how we grew up translators. Yeah, bro. I hope my death turned legal when I was 11 years old. I was my mother's fucking, you know, and it's funny because they all spoke Spanish to something legal happened. Then they lost to Spanish.

Like, they didn't know how to speak English no more. I'd have to cut school. My mother would take me to Sam DeLuca's fucking office and she'd play fucking stupid and he fucking lay it on me. And then she'd lay it on me in Spanish and I lay it back on him. I'll never forget those days

as a criminal interpreter for my mother and shit like that. Fucking tremendous. I know, my mom used to baby go collect her Avon money. Remember fucking Avon how big it was? Who the fuck buys Avon? It was huge. It's still fucking huge. I used to have the cologne in the car,

a glass car that had wheels on it, and you put after shave, you thought you were fucking 10. After cream. And you know what? It's funny like my mom, and everybody pays to, my mom, the director name on the page.

Lupet, page 9, fire engine red, lipstick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. fucking Avon. They used to have a book, but you know where I sold Avon? When I went to Catholic school, they made you sell Avon.

Those fucking Catholic churches were fucking evil in those days. You got to bring them home for your mother and come back on an order. Well, they tell you, take the fucking book back. I ain't kidding you, Lee.

They're worse than a fucking Jew school. My mom used to make me put those Avon books on my friends' lockers in high school. I'm telling you. They're fucking brutal. What's the company? What's the company that they win the pink car?

There's a different company that they win a pink car. E.K. that's Lady KKK Lady KKK Oh no Carrie K What the Mary Kay

With the Pets The Mary Kay The fucking gangsters They're like 70 years old They recruited fucking like Denny's and shit You see them there in the afternoon If you sell this

I remember when I lived in Boulder For something for like six months I got attacked about selling Amway They were like Jehovah Witnesses broke And we meet for coffee You have an opportunity you meet them and it's a fucking wear what kind of t-shirt do you wear is it cotton

what type of treat you know Amway is in charge what the fuck you took me to Coco to talk about fucking Mway I'm embarrassed enough being at this fucking shit restaurant they always take you the shit restaurant it's like Applebee's come on have a steak Applebee's I'm a shit blood for fucking eight hours

yeah my mom pretty much every immigrant mom that you know immigrant mom has sold that um shockily Remember shocky, the vitamins, herbal life, crystal promotions. And man, man, we used to sell pillows, man. How fucked up poor you were, man. I'll tell you what, man.

Latin's like health products. If you put on telemundo or you put on whatever for a little while, the chick who watches the baby always turns on telemundo. And even in the afternoon, they're selling the health. You know, you two can live to your 90, drink this, and they show a lady who's real. Oh, they show this fat Mexican woman in front of King Taco eating like six tacos. Then they show like eight months later at the gym she lost weight. That never happens.

You know, I always watch those Mexican women working out at the fucking gym. They go to the gym, got on the bike for 10 minutes, and they're thinking about food, none of those fucking minutes. And they get up, they drink some water, they sit, they wait for the friend, and then they leave and they fucking go to King Taco and kill that motherfucker. What the fuck are we talking about? Let's tell you I was hot. They buy that And that's a big thing

In the Latifaca, you know what stuff. Oh, La Faha, that's the fucking belt To hide their fat a little bit. It's amazing. Spakes will fucking buy anything. I love them, though. What's going on with you, baby? What's been happening?

Where you're going? What are you doing? Talk to me. I'm going to Yakima. Yakima, Washington, the Palm Spring of fucking Washington. When is that? This Friday. This Friday you're going to Yakima.

Come on. And where are you at next week? Next week of beer crackers in Indianapolis, April 17 through April 20, and in May, Utah and Pleasanton. Where in Utah? Salt Lake City? Wise guys, yes. I'm going to. I'm going in June. Yeah, I can't fucking wait. June 14.

I'm going to fucking see the Mormons and see what's going on. I'm going to make believe I'm like the eighth husband and slings some dick or something. I never ate Mormon pussy. It must taste like fucking Coca-Cola. some shit. Don't the Mormons on Coca-Cola? Look at Lee giggling over there and I talk about eating pussy, you savage. Motherfucker went to Vegas,

didn't even fuck a transvestite up and nothing. What the fuck is wrong with you, Lee? You would have fucked a transvestite up, you would have been like that chicken in the UFC. Anyway, what else? Beautiful. Talk to me, Philippe. I know you're 30 years. You call over here. You're talking about La Ma'amaha. Talk to me, you're fuck. What are you doing

today? I think I'm going to move, man, to Glendale. I'm not sure yet. That's a good fucking neighbor. You got the Armenians, you got fucking Portos, you got the big and fat and tall store by the mall. I like that big and fat and tall store, Glenn there. Yeah, we're going to be a

more miserable of Armenians, my friend. Nothing wrong with the fucking Armenians, brother. Nothing wrong. You know, as long as you're moving ahead, I like what you're doing, you're looking good, the manager still looking good, and hopefully we'll go to a Dodger game. We're going to try to go last week. I couldn't get... You know, my uncle is sick.

My uncle's like 76, bro, and you can't get a whole him in the daytime and I guarantee he's fucking somebody every day. That's how perverted he is. He don't give a fuck. You know, they told him he's got something wrong with like his asshole, like he needs like what's the prostate? He told my cousin that he was going to see a Santeria doctor

and take it away. He refuses to go to the doctor for treatment and he's out there slinging dick till fucking whatever happens, happens. 76 Felipe. I'm 50. I don't want to fuck nobody. 76. I like my dad, man. My dad.

man, my dad, he lives in a senior home. There's a player in there. He must be like the youngest guy in there. He's always like a different woman all the time. I remember around. And my father always been a player, man. I don't know how he could be a player with seven fucking kids, but he managed that shit. I was in the Morango Casino just fucking around with $60 with Willie Barsena and

Gabriel Glesias, man. and Willie Borsena sees my dad with another woman and you know how Willie he is bro, he does your fucking dad, bro and my dad sees me soon as the 40 he said My son, how are you? This is my

friend and she was paying for everything That's fucking crazy bro That is fucking crazy Philippe I don't know what else to tell you Cucksucker you made my day by call You always make my day when you call me.

We always talk once a week about something stupid. We talk about what's going on, who sucks dick, and then we get off the phone, we're going on with our lives and shit. But we're going to a Dodger game. I talked to Jordan last night. He says, I got a friend, bro, that comes to all these shows that he does, his parents do something for the Dodgers. And he tells me, just pick a game.

And I always forget. He's like, pick a game. And I told him last night, go, ah, me and Felipe, he goes, just tell me, bro, I'll take you motherfuckers to a Dodger game. So we got to fucking coincide. We'll bring the camera and do a little video, and we'll go over there, get stoned, eat an edible. Felipe, I'm getting stoned every fucking day on those edibles.

I finally figured out why I'm not losing no weight. It's the fucking edibles. It's the edibles. I haven't been counting those points. It's like 10 points a day of fucking edibles. I got to stay on the fucking elliptical, an extra two fucking hours to burn from edible. But I get so fucking high on the edibles, Felipe, the banged chocolates. They gave me a fucking vitamin drink the other day.

Did I tell you about that? The vitamin, there's a vitamin drink now. With 100-something fucking milligrams. The THC. Those Cheebo shoes, the one I gave Lee, the double dose, those things will fuck you up. It tastes like a Tootsie Row. They will fuck you up. So, I'm just trying to help you out here.

I'm really some good edible is at this place, like your vegan cheesecake. Vegan cheesecakes. Vegan, bro. You don't think I notice, Lee. I'm over here smoking by myself, cock-sucking. This is the third joint like a soldier. I'm smoking. and this is all 28% shit.

It's all fat to us. Sorry, man. I love you, cocksucker. I'll call you later. So you're in Yakima this week and Vaisalia next week? No, Yakima this week and Crackers next week. Crackers in Indianapolis next week. I got to type this down.

Follow me on Twitter. Fonis Felipe, George Diaz, man. I'm so happy for you, man. You've come a long, long way, man. Come on, dog. You're doing the things. You have a little kid, man. I'm surprised what you're fucking.

a lot of bro. Can you fucking tell these motherfuckers? No, I can't believe it, bro. I mean, I can't believe in, like, how, what we come from, you know, like, watching everybody else blow up. Everybody. Everybody was getting fat all these years.

We're away in the air. People didn't want to book them. Remember what people would say, nah, we're going to rent. Oh, I can't book for anybody. He fucking never fucking shows up. And then, when I was surprised me about you, man,

how you could just, to blow and then eat a burrito right after. I could drink a fucking cup. I could drink two cups of coffee and go to bed. I tell the story about drinking the two fucking red bulls. And I fucking, I could go right to sleep. That shit, I remember you being in the car with me that night. You would give me a ride.

I never forget that, Felipe. And I took a bag of Coke out, and I was crushing it with my fingers. And you were driving, and I put the dollar bill in it and did the whole 60 while I was talking to you. And I remember looking at me going, You have a line for me and I go, I did it already. Why didn't you tell me you wanted something? He looked at me, and this is to tell you people, I was fucked up.

I was fucked up. You were like, you just took that shit. I was like, what the fuck? He ate that shit like the little kid that I gave all my nerds candy to hold, and then it was all gone. It was something that I've never felt so embarrassed in my life because there was no way I was giving you any. There was no fucking way that I was giving you.

Any at all? I didn't even know the quality of Coke and you're like, you just broke it down that day. Let me tell you, man. When you do Coke, you better each other to do it in New York, L.A., Miami, Texas. Once you get to the Midwest, that shit's been stepped

down 35 fucking times. I remember that one time you told me you was that fucking place in Iowa and that guy gave you that fucked up shit? Bro, there was one time in Iowa that were giving me speed. One time in West Virginia, they took me to a trailer in the middle of the night. They were playing banjos and burning white people.

These motherfuckers gave me a 20 of speed. That was up for a fucking week, man. It's fucking crazy. What's out there? It's crazy the shit I was doing. I was playing fucking Russian roulette. I was going to Houston, Texas, had some good motherfucking powder. I had like four different things.

Oh, yeah. Mechanic, Texas, Corpus Christi. Remember that place in court? You get food. Man. When you do church at the salt border of Texas, like El Paso? You do a line there? and then you go do a line in Oakland, forget about it, man.

But you remember you said, the dealer will tell you, they think the regular she used to, don't drink us bright. So, bro, I'm telling you. Down it's El Paso. Last night we were talking about how the comedy clubs, there's only one comedy club in Houston. And I've got to be as honest, honest as I can with you, and you'll agree, Felipe.

We cut our comedy teeth in Texas. I got to give Texas, well, think about it. Between El Paso, Houston, the Dallas Improv, McCallon, Corpus Christi, and all points out. I did most of my fucking teeth cutting in Texas. That's the truth. Yeah, me too. Brownsville.

Which one? Brownsville. What about the time we went to that place with that kid that he was married? He was convicted of being a polygamous when you have different wives in different states. And this guy was always coked up. And the DEA jumped the club while we were on fucking stage. The guy would do an eight ball. He gave us both an eight ball.

He did one. He did the eight ball before the night was over, and he was the fucking host. He was on stage fucking join. I had never seen anything like that. Corpus Christi, the comedy club that had two floors. Oh, I know he's talking about you're doing with that guy, Jenkins. Jenkins.

Rob Jenkins, yeah, that fucking freaking motherfucker that was married 18 times. The club got busted 11 fucking. I'll tell you how fucked up it is. The guy at the hotel wanted to rape Maryland. Nobody ever fucking thought of raping Maryland She was 400 fucking pounds He kept knocking on her glass door Jerking off his dick outside the fucking window

This is real We live through this shit Dude how about Oh fuck that How about Wawa West Comedy Club and Odessa The place will be fucking empty Five people Friday night 20 people on Saturday

And the guy will still pay you Everything in cash But remember the shit the bartender had big tits. Big tits. Big fucking tits. And her husband, and her husband, they all went to federal prison.

The guy looked like long hair like a biker, but the wife had gigantic, beautiful fucking tits. And you knew that if you went up to him and said, have your wife show me your tits. He'd be okay, show him his tits and shit. She had big tits.

They got locked up. I mean, all those clubs went to fuck. Those people went to jail. Yeah, it was in a federal pen. federal fucking pen. They even took the host, John Roman, for a year. No, they didn't.

That little retarded boy, he's a nice kid. He's a nice kid, John Roman. He's half-retarded. He comes up. He means, what the fuck, John Roman? Talk to me, cock, talk to me. I haven't heard from him. You got to run a big comedy show

in Corp. Christie and on the daytime rides kids around and a train at the mall. No, he doesn't. Yes, he did. Fuck. What about the guy that used to? We're on a little train instead of a mall.

What about Waiete when he used to give us deposits, then he canceled a gig. This is the best, Doug. We had this guy, Felipe would go, Waiete wants you to do a gig with me in Houston. He would pay us $500 deposit, then he canceled a gig. Then he sent us another five and do another gig and cancel. I used to see him and go, dog,

didn't you have any gigs to cancel? I'm going broke here. How many fucking time? I remember one time he goes, I'll pay you the $500 right now. That's all you need to come here on a fucking Tuesday. I got in that car. He was all the way by the airport by the donut. You know, the donut on the way.

He's 500 pounds. He's two blocks on the fucking dough. He's a pastor now. He's a church. Yeah, Houston. And I swear to God, he'll fucking do another run to Houston, and nobody will show up, and he'll pay your fucking cash. You don't know how these magicians do it.

They're magicians. That's what I call them. And we used to go to the comic strip and El Paso. That fucking hellhole. But that's where I got the best pussy in my life. The worst waste stuff ever, man. But they'd all suck your dick. You can't lose it.

I remember one time on a Sunday night I was finger-banging the waitress she had a bush right there, right there while she was serving drinks, she came over and I just reached my hand up and started playing with a pussy and she didn't move so I moved to a little... You think I'm fucking kidding you.

She moved to Houston. You think I'm fucking kidding you, dog. That was the crazy. Another time on New Year's, I fucked a chick on the bar staff on his desk in his office. 69 where this girl was beautiful. I took her outside and Already I had fucked her and ate her pussy, so I'm mingling with other people on New Year's, right?

The world in and then it was like Y2K or whatever. This chick was hot, but one of the waitstaff was making moves on her. She was already fucking drunk. We had already 69, the whole fucking thing on the floor. He's outside making out with her by the fucking ATM machine. What's the host? What's the big time comic in El Paso? He's like, whenever you...

You know who I'm talking about? I don't know what his fucking name. No, no, no. In El Paso. He was like the... In El Paso comic strip He was like the big time comic No no that's the owner

But there was a comedian down there That was like the hot comic for the last 18 years He never came up Like every time you go to El Paso George George Ramirez George George George George George fucking was hitting on This chick was banging

I mean I just happened to swooper as she came out of the bathroom She would have fucked anybody every night I was nothing special trust me She was just I caught her at that right time I told her she was beautiful. We started swapping spin. I swear to God, we were in a little office, 69. It was fucking shot.

Pussy was perfect, too. She gave me a number. She never answered after that. She must have fucking went to therapy. But that same night, as I'm leaving, she's outside making out with George Ramirez after I shot a fucking load-in-a-mouthed that would have killed the fucking,

it would have killed anybody, and he's out there coming it up with a weird look on his fucking face. We love when I... One of the witcheses is that he said, to work at El Paso. She moved to Houston, I think. Buddy, with the big tits.

Oh, that chick had good coat. She showed up to Houston, and then, like, she got, like, brand new boobs, right? And she was doing, like, I got to tell her that she's been up for two days, right? She had to look, like, I'm going up for two days. She wanted to party. She's beautiful.

She was beautiful. And she was fucking partied out. And I remember, like, she said, she said, she was showing me her body, and then she bent over and she had a thong. I swear to God, dog, she had shit in her underwear. Yeah, she was a nasty bitch, but she would deliver coke and suck your dick. I thought shit between her legs, dog. That was like, fuck.

Yeah, this chick would deliver coke for her boyfriend, but suck your dick. No, I'm telling you, I would have eaten her ass. No, I wouldn't have eaten her ass. I would have eaten her pussy. I just would have put a cup on the block. I would have blocked the muffler and told her to watch that. Let me tell you something. That girl used to deliver coke for her boyfriend.

and while she was there, she'd do a line with you and suck your dick and then get in the car and leave. She was great, beautiful. Her face was fucking beautiful. Big fat fucking titty. I'm telling you. Guys, in Comedy in El Paso. I want that dude that bar used to hire

that Asian girl boyfriend just to beat up customers. You know, I don't remember that fucking lunatic. You know, that, oh, that she stayed the last chick standing in El Paso. She had that one boyfriend that was crazy. she was like Asian She was Asian Oh yeah

She had that little crazy little Miss your fool Oh yeah yeah she's so cold too She knew what to get Bro those people in Opasso I remember taking the girl home On a Wednesday on Friday She'd come back with her husband

Oh wow To her husband This is crazy This was fucking crazy El Paso And Houston Houston was just as fucking crazy Before the flood took that hotel down, that hotel where they used to put you.

That hotel, as soon as you checked in, bro, you could go home, take a shower and lay on the bed and get a gram of Coke. Somebody would knock on your door offering you a blowjob or looking for a beer or looking for rolling papers. It was amazing. It was fucking amazing. You didn't need to do anything. Fuck going out. Houston was great. And it's a shame.

But I'm really proud of those guys down in Houston. I'll tell you why, Felipe. I was looking at the charts the other day. The Whiskey Brothers podcast is number 171 the other day. These are three fucking guys from Houston that even though they don't have the clubs, they've stuck on to that fucking podcast and they make it happen.

I know people are doing a podcast for 10 years and can't do nothing with it. So I'm really proud of those guys in the way. I just bumped into one of the old Houston guys last night. Matt, tremendous, down at the Comedy Central taping. And we talked about our good old days in Houston when fucking Felipe was ordering spoons from room service.

Felipe, fucking, he broke, he broke, he broke, you broke Rick James' record. You ordered six spoons and two fucking hours

held by Rick James Circa, 1973, Buffalo, New York. No, bro, I, yeah, bro, but he didn't have

a hell mouth like that there with him, bro. Who? He didn't have that, half, remember that chick

that used to work in El Paso who had a penis? Yeah, she had a dick, and what was her name, Nicky, and you called a tricky?

A dickie. A dickie. and she had a little clit with a dick over it. Oh, dude, it was like a little 12-year-old little peepee. And she had a pussy right next to it? I don't forget how much blow I was doing. And I already had fucked of fat and wait a little in history. And then she left, and then the other one came.

And then, like, I put her shorts down in the way up in the jacuzzi. First of all, the whole room was flooded already. And then her little peanut showed up, like a little tiny one. Right there went into her pussy. and I was like, what the fuck? Remember Johnny Wayne? What was his name? Billy Ray?

Billy Wayne. Billy Wayne. He ended up marrying the girl that was fucking hot. That chick had big. Yeah, Rachel. Rachel. Oh, my God. That chick was banging for him.

He used to fucking sleep in the green room. Yeah, bro. That dude used to sleep, and he pulled off. He loved her, and he stuck it up. Hey, that's why you love a woman. He stuck it all with her. And this Rachel was a big tur. girl from Midland like five

for fucking 10 or 165 pounds of all Texas fucking white meat. You could tell she had big tits with those big alibiolas, you know, like when the tits are big but the ariolas are just as big and they just lay there. Tremendous. She was banging.

She picked me up once in the airport and I was coming down. Yeah, she was a real long and I was coming down off a coke bin and she picked me up at the airport and that was the first time I ever thought about tackling somebody. Like just tackling her off the road, fucking her killing her, and leaving her there, off the fucking...

You were digging all Delta Burke. Oh, my God, she was banging. I mean, she was fucking tremendous. Felipe, we got to make a move for it. You know, I love you, cocksucker. I'm happy you called, then. I want you to keep calling in. I'm thinking, what the fuck's Felipe?

I said, ah, he's always out of time, but for me, I know you'll wake up early. You know, I love you and your wife and the boy, and we're going to do a Dodger game, all right? I love it, too, man. And I'll let you know, and I'm going to baptize the babies. You can come, we eat some fucking... Yeah, baby.

All right. you, buddy. Thank you. Say goodbye, Flying Jew. Bye, Felipe. What's up, cocksucker? What's up, O'Leo? What's up? O'Leo. What's up? What's who you giggum about? The girl with the clip. Oh, my God, you wouldn't have fucking believed it. That was crazy.

We can't... These are endless. Endless these stories about Houston and El Paso and fucking Austin. This is in every city. Yeah, aren't you in Austin in like the next month or two? First, I'm in Miami in two fucking weeks. And, as usual, let me tell you something. So Tuesday, Monday, I'm telling you, the strong bone is working. Monday, I went back to kickboxing after a week.

Okay. Did the 8 o'clock class. And there was only six people in the fucking class. But I was like, it was me and somebody else that had been going. So he made me do the warm-ups. I did the warm-ups. He gave me a new guy. He worked at the new guy.

He made me teach him how to kick. I taught him how to kick. But I had to keep spinning my fucking heel again, and I kept doing it. When you throw a roundhouse kick, you've got to spin on the ball of your fucking foot. Okay. You know, if you don't, you'll tear your fucking neck. Neat. Eventually you'll tabaniscus or you'll do something.

I went and you know what? My cardio was on the money. On Monday I was very surprised because it was a late workout. And then yesterday I had a big day. I had to go to acupuncture. I had to go to fucking the ear doctor. And I had to get a workout because when I do a show like that, I want to work out so I can think about the material and think about this order and I let you know some time. I got to tell you I went on that fucking lytical when I hit 30 minutes for the first time. Oh, that's hard for 30 minutes.

goal was 26 minutes. Okay. It was 26 and one minute to the warm up and I was out of that. But you know what, Lee? I was really proud. Then I hit the bag for 30 minutes. The fucking shirt still smells.

It was dry last night when I finally got home. I went over that too. But the strong bone really takes that pain away from my joints. I used to get my feet. Like if I want a jump rope or something, you know, jumping rope, five minutes of jumping rope, they say it's equal to 20 minutes of jogging.

Oh, really? You're a fat fuck. You don't really want to jog. You know, because you'll have pain in your feet. But if you jump rope, even if you want to eliminate that pain and still get that aerobic workout, please do me a favor. Go to honit.com.

They got some great fucking shit. Get the strong bone. I couldn't fucking tell you enough. Get the fucking hemp protein. You know, learn how to eat a little better. Listen, I ain't losing weight because I don't want to lose weight. I'm eating these fucking edibles and they make me hungry to eat atlisable. Yesterday I was down to the

point. I ate two salads and I went to that show with Ari and I ended up eating two slices of fucking pizza because I was so high from the edible, I wanted to come down. Sometimes you've got to trim the fucking fat off. Tonight I'm going to Rosco's to do comedy. I wanted you to come again because Rosco's is an orange with George

Perez. I love their fucking sandwiches. Oh, they got sandwiches. Real, healthy meat, like, you know, nice cut turkey, nice cut tuna salad. I have an albacore. So what I do when I go down there, I get the albacore in a cup. And I eliminate the bread. You like tuna, too.

I love tuna out of a fucking cup. I had some of rouse yesterday in Hollywood. I was hungry and I went in and got just some tuna Just a can of tuna? No, I get the herb tuna with whatever I listen, I ain't no fucking Johnny bodybuilder. I ain't eating that fucking mercury by itself. You gotta add some fucking mayonnaise

to that fucking mercury. What's music you got from you uncle? Fucking Lee Lee. Oh shit. This is one of my all-time favorite jams. Golden Mother fucking airing, 1983. The Twililandst's bass.

Kickley. Wiggle Funk and Joy, babe. Oh shit. It's a beautiful day to be alive, motherfuckerfuck. The church of what's happening now. Get up. Get out there. Live.

Get that. Fuck the one ads. Fuck Google. Go out there and just knock on doors. Tell them you need a fucking job. Your baby needs to eat. Your wife needs a present. She wants to show you the monkey,

but she can't without a fucking paycheck. It's a beautiful day, cocksucker. Be Jewish. Do something. You know, oh shit, I was thinking about something. Yeah.

You know, with the Django. I'm a hypocrite sometimes. Okay. Django and Chains, like I got mad because people were saying that there was, they said the word nigger too much in the movie. And it wasn't black people who complained. It was white people. Look at these fucking sexes shit. But then, you and I have had this discussion before how in all our lives, you've heard me say some rude shit.

Not because I'm a rude person, because I have no filter, but you never heard me make a reference about Hitler. Okay. I don't like Hitler. And I'll tell you what, if a fucking Angelo makes a Hitler joke, I get it. But when a Jew makes a Hitler joke I want to stab myself I'm fucking heartily We've had it

We got one more call coming in What the fuck? Is this call today? What is this shit? Who's this? What's up, Jose? Don't be calling me Only creditors call me

Jose Coxucker State your claim What's up little brother What's that buddy? How you doing? Tom Segura on the fucking phone Last night killing at the storyteller show I'm cheaters

I almost fell off that fucking stage I didn't have a lot of fun last night. You were a black. Oh, you were a fucking black. I was happy that you took the story where it went, because the other three half of fags were talking about, like, weed

and cookies. We had to break off the heavy duty shit. Yeah, we brought out the fucking sledgehammer for our drug stories. Heroin, you almost old deed when you were... And it's tough to hear you say that story. It kills me. That's the shit that used to kill me. When I see a decent guy, I have an accident

with drugs, I expect that from idiots like me. You know, somebody comes up to He says, Joey Diaz ate at a cheeseburger and did an eight ball. And he said, you know, see the sign I. You'd say, I could see that. But if somebody said, Tom Seguer drank a bunch of MGH and passed out, I don't see that, you know. So there was more going on in your life at that time. How are you, Tommy?

I'm doing great, brother. I'm doing great. Thanks for having me, man. Oh, I love you, Tommy Bun. You're one of the few people I'm a real, real fan of on the stage and off the stage. You know, you're a treat to be. You make me feel warm. Like, when I see you, I know I'm going to be all right.

Last night I was surrounded with fucking Gentiles. You know, all these people looking to fucking write a warrant for me. But once I saw you, I knew I could just, I went by the chicken. I tore up that fucking chicken. Those little chicken wings they had, they had, like El Pollo Loco, those wings, I must eat 85 of them. I was so fucking. How high was I? I saw you.

When I first got there, I was like, oh, shit. You made me feel like relax as soon as I saw you, and I saw you tearing them chicken wings. I was like, everything's 50 all right. Fuck. And they had macaroni and cheese. I didn't eat none of that. I didn't have no rice, nothing. I just ate like three chicken ones,

and I had a slice of fucking pizza, and I drank that bottle of water, but that was a lot of fucking fun. You know what, man? I'm really proud of Ari Shafir. Oh, my God. Me too, man. He really, he's taking it to the next level with everything.

It's fun to watch somebody, you know, have their career really move in another direction because they just work hard on it, man. And he's done so much. hard work and now the you know his stand-up career has really taken off he worked hard at this and this is taking off like he's just gonna have so many great things happening for him all at once and this is it you work on different things and you you know when I read the story about how he wrote his special for a year he sat

there and yeah you know and that was one of his things like that's one of my things well not writers like you you're a great fucking writer Duncan likes to write a lot but you you're an exception I really like your style of comedy and I admire that. I admire that because I never had. That's what I admire about comedy. I hate when somebody goes, I've been writing, you know,

I've been writing so much lately. Then they go up there and do a dirty fucking joke. Oh, that fucking kills me when somebody does a dirty joke. That's what Joey Diaz does. You wrote, you sat down. Look at this chick over here in room apartment, 56. He's banging, Lee.

She got some big fucking titty. She never told me about it. She's leaving the house at 7.30. Her boyfriend just left. That means she's taking a shower right now, washing that old sperm out of the pussy. Right now, when you knock over there, it's the milkman, Lee, with your little hat on. Look at Lisa. God, the second.

What was I talking about? Good comedy. Anyway, fucking, no, no, no. It's true how I admire writers because, like right now I'm reading Stephen King on writing for the second fucking time. Because of all the drugs I did, I got no comprehension. So I got to read everything twice. And he's blown my mind this time on the plane. He was blown my mind with talking about what you need.

to write a day. You need to write a thousand words a day. And he was talking about if you're not doing that, to take a thing. He writes it. I admire people who are honest with you. Nothing bothers me more. When I see a guy teaching a comedy class

that never did the work to teach a comedy class. Just because he got a couple credits in a TV show doesn't mean he worked as a comic. Yeah. And you're passing bad vibes. on, you know, for you to teach a comedy class, I want you to be versed in stand-up, something I'm not, but guys like you are, there's a few guys who could do it.

Do you feel like that sometimes, Tommy Buns? Oh, yeah, man, I mean, I feel like I totally agree. First of all, I think it's something to people are like, I got a new bit, and you're like, you know, I just wrote a new bit. You're like, oh, cool. And they're like, you ever notice how that pussy really pops on you? It kills me. It kills me.

I wrote a joke for the thing last night that I didn't write that I didn't say on stage last night. But to me, this is a brilliant joke. You ready? I hate needles so much. It's made, like, I hate needles. You know that, like, when I go to a doctor, I hate fucking, it's true. It's true.

I hate needles. My hate for needles is so big that it's made me hate fucking cotton. You follow them? You know, when you go to the needle and they put the cotton on your ass, nothing happened. Nothing good happens after they swipe your ass with that fucking cotton. You just feel that prick going into your fucking ass.

I hate needles so much, Tom Segura, that I fucking sit there and glare at the cotton balls. And I wish I was lying to you. Like today I got to go for my weekly shot. I sit there and when I'm waiting for the doctor, I just glare at the cotton balls, you motherfucker. That's a well-written joke right there. That's a joke that I wish, you know,

I tell a fuck-o that flying Jew over here that when I watch that guy from the family thing, host the Oscars, Tom's the girl. He said one of the most brilliant jokes I've ever heard in my life. And you're going to thank Joey. Come on, get it together.

This is what he said. He goes, the Oscars is being watched by 8 million people worldwide. That's why in 30 minutes, what's the name? Silence of the Lambs. Jody Foster is going to come up here and ask for her privacy.

That to me. It's a well-written joke. In 30 minutes, you know, Jody Fawson, and I come up here and ask for her privacy. I admire that. That fucking makes my dick hard. That's like a fucking joke right there.

So. Yeah, that's good. I don't, I mean, I wish I had that ability. Like, there's people that can bang out just such really well-crafted jokes. It can be about, like, like, anything. You can toss them anything, and they'll give you set up punch, set up punch. I still have to, like, you know, write more. My shit has to, my, I'll overwrite.

I'll do, like, you know, five minutes of set up for a joke. I don't have that, you know, discipline with cutting out words that people do. That should I admire too, man. I'm a big fan of that. I'm a big fan of anybody who I could see, I could hear the joke and see them, I could see them writing it. Yeah. I could see that.

Like, I love watching Letterman sometimes because that's a quality of jokes that he has on there. So I'll tape Letterman every night. You know. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm one of those guys. Before I leave the house, I looked to see who's on Conan. I looked to see who's on Letterman and Leno, and I look to see who's on Showtime. And I tape him and I watch him begging for you.

If I tape you, it's because I want you to make me laugh. And I assume you did the work. I know the career things I've done to ruin my career by not. doing the work. So I assume when somebody offers you a half hour or a spot on Leno that you're going to clear your fucking schedule and you're going to put your heart into this. And you're going to write 12 minutes because they're only going to take

six minutes from you. But those six minutes are going to be, so I sit there waiting for you. Like I've got to tell you one of the best performances I've seen on Letterman. You want me to tell you? On Leno. Who was it? Chelsea Handler. Chelsea Handler? In 2007, when I was still doing Blow with 2006

when I got home and I turned on Leno and she was going to be on and I taped it and I go this is going to be a fucking disaster and I went in the bathroom I did the coke I took my shit I looked out the window I jerked off and at about 1215 I came out or 1155 I came out to watch Chelsea Handler

destroy the fucking tonight show in fact I still remember her closer because I watched the set 80 times her closer was is it okay to drink when you're gonna abort the baby she closed with that on Leno You know, I still

So when I turn you on in the middle of the night And you suck dick Or I hear an old joke That you used on stage three years ago And fucking the old past old comic strip or something I shut it off immediately Like it doesn't even go Like I'm ashamed that you didn't do the fucking work

Like that's me cheering for comics That's me cheering for fucking comics So Last night was a treat for me Because I got to see guys Who actually work at their crap Not bums like me that just happened to get lucky and mug a hooker and light a wig on fire.

There's no writing that shit. Yeah, but it's so much fun to watch. You know, you say it like the, you know, the person who writes the stuff down is a treat, but then everybody else feels that way about watching you because people want to watch you just go up there and your natural way of doing comedy and talking and just being hilarious is a treat for everybody else.

That's what they want to see. they want to see you. Well, thank you, brother. No, last night I was nervous, and you got me nervous, and I went up there, and I remember that I was on the walk up. Just be you.

That's, you know, that's the hardest thing to comprehend in life. That's to comprehend when people say to you, they just want you to be you. And even every day, I just want people to be them. No tattoos, no go tea,

no ear, no disc in your fucking lip like you're in Africa carrying a bowl of fruit. What the fuck? We're on fucking, Herbeck and cold water, and you've got a thing in your lip, showing people that you care about whales. I just want you to be you. You know what I'm saying?

That's it. I just want people to be you. Everybody shows up with this gust and fucking glasses on. Right now, I'm to the point where one day you're going to read, breaking news. Joe Diaz just stab somebody in the cheek with their own fucking glasses. You know, these people that walk around, they're dumb as fuck, but they put glasses on because they think it's going to impress somebody.

And some people are impressed. Oh, my God. I love your glass. I'm to the point where I can't fucking take it no more. I put glasses on because I can't fucking see. Ever since I stopped doing coke, my vision went downhill. You understand me? I used to be 80-80 like an eagle.

Now I'm done. I can't see nothing. I'm strong as fuck. Did I tell you that? The best was when you were on stage last night, just feeling in the room how many people were just happy to see you up there.

They were just so excited that Joey Diaz was up there telling these stories. You could see it. I looked at these. You guys were so geeked out of their minds that you were telling these stories. It was fantastic, man. It was fun to just be in the room. Well, thank you. I felt the same way about you.

I know the Comedy Central people were looking at me petrified. I love them, but they are the biggest pussies in the fucking history of comedy. You know what, comedy has no time. Comedy really has no time for pussies. Did you ever think about that that when you feel like a pussy is a comic comedy has no time for it No yeah

There is no time for that man You're 100% right about that You know you're talking about your inner voice You know you're talking about When you're driving down the street And you see a black guy with dreads And a fucking thing And to yourself

You don't say that loud You'll be in the car with your mother But to yourself you look for the side And go look at this fucking nigger And all of a sudden you catch yourself Saying that in your lap Because you know you're not racist But that's the first thing

thing that came to your mind. If we all learned to say what first comes out, we'd all be so fucking gifted. We try to trap that because it doesn't, you know, in the same thing you see a Mexican with a fucking radio on his ear and you're thinking, oh, do he just rub? You know, you don't think that he's had the job.

You don't think nothing like that. Whether he's selling Apple, it's something about us. It's just our natural fucking instinct. But those are the things that are so funny to bring those on stage, that's when you cannot be a put. You ever write a joking like, I can't say this. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. And then you're right where, like, you say, I can't say this. And then you go back and forth, which I said, should I say it? And then you say it, and usually that'll get a crazy reaction. And that's what, you know, you had your doubts about it, but when you say it, it'll explode. Because it was your impulse, like first thought, like you said, where it's a genuine, authentic, real reaction to something.

And that's why it goes well, because it's totally true. Really, really is true. I love you, Thompson, girl. What have we got going on next Tuesday? Tell these people a story from A to Z or what happened. We need these people to come out next Tuesday and why? Next Tuesday is going to be awesome. We're doing a fundraiser show at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank for the dog.

And Christina and I adopted about a month ago now, Theo Huxable is what we named them. and he is adorable. Here's what happened. We went to his shelter. We adapted this dog, this beautiful, adorable little Brussels, eight-pound dog. And he had a cough, and they were like, oh, you know, he's got kettle cough. Here's a couple pills. He'll be fine.

We bring him home. We don't trust them because they're fucking, you know, scumbag shelter. So we take him to the vet, and the vet, there's all. like, yeah, you definitely has them, you know, a real case of chemical. Just make sure you take care of it. They give us additional meds. We take care of this guy for a week. He's not eating, so we're hand feeding him, yogurt, peanut butter, just anything to get him to eat.

A week later, he's still, he's actually worse after a week, Joey. So we're totally just not knowing what to do. We go back to that. They tell us to take him to the emergency room. we take him there and they tell us that he's basically at death door and he's got a 50-50 chance to make it and we are just I mean so broken dude like I mean I'm bawling crying I'm crying like like I've had this dog 10 years at this point and you know it's just it breaks me up so bad and then to think he's going to die then the emergency room um you know they they take amazing care of them but it's also crazy expensive I don't know if you ever

put a dog in the hospital but it's crazy my friend Felicia last year the dog $4,000 $4,000 two days before Christmas Really? Yeah, $4,000 two days before Chris

she had a flyback and take him to a fucking vet he scraped his foot or something and they bang yeah they bang yeah and what are you going to do they don't even play you take the fucking dog don't tell you the thing is like when when you're that emotional too like I don't understand how people can this is a dog at that point we had a dog wait 10 days and we're that attached to them

there's no way you're going to say no to whatever they're suggesting to save his life so everything that they say to us like do you want us to get that and run this test and like yeah man like is that going to help him yeah uh do you want us to you know do to run this oxygen into him yes of course man I want you to make him live So it just added up, added up. The great thing, of course, is that after five, six days in the hospital and all this treatment, he started to get better,

and they could move him from, like, their intensive care to the regular care, and now he's, like, 95% better. You know, he's out of the hospital. He's living like a regular dog, and we're just the happiest dog parents ever. totally loving this guy. But that show next Tuesday is just to help

pay the hospital bills for Little Theo, who we adopted. And the lineup is insane. It's you. It is Burke Kreischer. It is Mary Lynn Rice Hub, Brian Hainer, Christina, myself, and even

our little brother, Red Band, is going to join us as well. So it's the time in my lineup. Good time. It's at Flappers. They got good chicken wings. they got good blue cheese they don't fuck around there they got good pizza they got a couple of dishes there

I mean they're Christians bring you across and you get 10% off at the fucking door but as far as as the food they don't fuck around there they got nice salads they're healthy they really really

doing the job there so bring an appetite there's gonna be there's gonna be no lineup like that on a Tuesday night in LA anywhere so if you come by you're gonna see an amazing show you're gonna see like I said

Diaz and Bert everybody and you're going to support an awesome cause which is this amazing dog that we have that i're totally in love with anything for you brother i fucking love you at all my heart man you inspire the shit out of me sir girl i love you dan thank you for um for having me for thanks for doing the show man yeah and you got a number for flappers or anything it's like fucking burbank it's on the corner um body's beanery you got food over there i'm telling you it's a nice little you got a pf changs up the corner, so bring a date, you know, come to the show and take her up and fuck her in the ass.

If you are, if you go online, if you go to tomcigarette.com, you go to my website, there's links for the, there's a link to buy the ticket, or you can go to your mom's housepodcast.com. They both have the links, and it's April 16th. So if you go there, you click on the link. It has all the information.

You can buy tickets now. and yeah it's 8 p.m. at flappers. Awesome. I love you, brother. Thank you for calling. Have a great day at your house. Thanks, brother. I'll have my bed. Okay.

What the fuck, Lee? What? Are you with us today? I'm with us. You don't ask questions. You got me over here by myself. It's your friends. Fucking Barbara Walters.

And the number for the flappers is 818, 845-9-7-21. 845-9-7-21. Again, 845-9-7-21. Lee, I want to find the clip there. I want you to find Godfather to... Okay. Ending scene. I want you to play.

I watched this last night. About four... Is it... There's three minutes? Sound about right? Three... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's James Khan.

Okay, they're at a dinner table? Yeah, that's it. I understand 30,000 men who've listed this war. Watch the Saps. How are there Saps? Honey, come on, do we don't have to talk about the war. Hey, B, you talk to Carl, right? The Saps...

Because they risked their lives for strangers. Oh, that's Pop talking. You're goddamn right, that's Pop talking. They risked their lives for that country. Your country ain't your blood, you remember that. I don't feel that way. I don't feel that way. Well, if you don't feel like that, why don't you just quit college and go to join the army?

I did. I enlisted in the Marines. Like you, why? Why didn't you come to us? What do you mean? I mean, Pop had to pull a lot of strings to get your deferment. I didn't ask for it. I didn't ask for a deferment. I didn't want it. Come on, come on, come on, not get along. Come on, hey, sonny, punk, son.

Sonny, sit, no, you. Go on, sit, sit up. Go show, call on a tree. Go show Carlo the fucking tree. That means get the fuck out of the room. That's what you can say. Fucking, holy shit, we smoked all the ability. He fought on his birthday.

Yes, well, Mike. Congratulations. That's right, encourage. Oh, I'll give me a drink. What? Well, the best scenes in any movie, a family fucking disgusting a situation. Something you don't see no more. Many times, he and I've talked about your future.

Talk to my father about my future. My future. Mikey, he has high hopes for you. I have my own plans for my future. Why'd you go to college and get stupid? He's here, come on. Come on. Come on.

He's supposed to say, look at the hallway. Look at his father and he goes, stupid, one last fucking time. Listen, if you haven't seen, Lee's been bugging me, people have been bugging me. We're going to review the Godfather 2 or 1 next week, all right? Okay. I know you've been bugging me lately.

We've got to review this because it's time. It's time, people. This is a great fucking movie. The ending of that ghost show, call of the tree. That's a code word to fucking disappear. I'm about to get my balls licked. I'm about to stab this bitch, and I don't want you to be a witness.

Something's going to go down. Listen. Let me give him some shout out. So we get the fuck out of here. I got shit to do. My wife's going to work. Daniel Rodriguez, Iron Mike, Constantine,

the fucking Greek, Joel, water boxer, Frank Westland. I love you, motherfuckers. I love you, all my heartful listening. Everybody else

that's part of the church of what's happening now. My girl's fucking Jill Hemitsu and belief. All you crazy motherfuckers out there, it's only going to get better. I love that you people subscribe to this shit.

If you have any fears, you want to quit some. Get the fuck off. and start. Today's the fucking day. You understand me? And don't forget, Miami, West Palm, Papano,

Jacksonville, all you motherfuckers down south as is the last time I'm gonna tell you. I need your help. Tickets next Friday, I'm gonna be in fucking Miami. Banana bread's gonna be

coming out of my fucking pores. You understand me? I'm getting out. We're going up there. I need to do two shows down there. I want you to go to South Beach Comedy Festival. Get yourself a ticket.

Get yourself a ticket for your fucking sister. Come down. I'm gonna have all North Bergen down there. I'm gonna have a Carlos Perez. We're going to have like a fucking mad flavors We're shooting outside afterward We're going to be smoking dope We're taking over Miami

Then we're going to go to Porta Saga And fucking eat Cuban food So if you want to be a part of that I'll see you next fucking Friday night In Miami two shows Eight and fucking 10 We need to add to 10 o'clock To make our mart

What's that thing? He says We got to set our What is he saying? Scarface We've got to set our marker And then force it Oh shit And don't forget to go to Honda If you're going to start this little workout routine

You want to get things better You want to have color in your eyes You want to smoke dope. You want to go out and party with the big boys. Go to honor. What the fuck? Go to honor. com.

Go to the top box pressing church. Just read about the shit they got. Maybe just because I talk to you about strong bones just for fat people or people with joint problems or knee pain or your elbow or your shoulder hurts. I'm telling you. I'm brand fucking new. I hit the bag. I did it all.

They might have something else that you might like. Whether it's the alpha brain that you want to try or you want to buy a jump rope, just put fucking church in the fucking top box. All right? Besides that, I'm coming to Cap City. I'm coming to Utah. I'm coming to Lexington, Kentucky. I'm coming, bitches.

I just ain't got that many fucking plane tickets in there. I got to relax. I got a family now. I got to go home and fucking really. And I'm looking forward to the babysitting today. I got to be honest with you. Are you babysitting today? Yeah, I got the kid for a couple hours.

One is coming. She's going to cook. I'm going to do some laundry. Oh, shit. I want my wife to be confident. You know, when I come to do the podcast here, she's got the kid, I got no worries. You know, I'm always one of those parents that I worry.

I worry about you when you go to Vegas. I called you. I worry about my friends when they do shit. I'm a worry about my friend. I worry about my friends. You guys go out and nothing bad happens. I'm proud that you'll evade the situation. I never want something bad to happen to you.

And I know that you're a sweet guy. When you're a sweet guy and you get mugged, there's something like that happens. It changes you, man. Yeah, it would have been. It changes you. That's why fucking Charles Bronson started shooting bitches and death wish because it changes you.

And you're a nice, sweet fucking kid. The only one that's how to fuck with your head is me. with the edibles and stuff. I'm happy. You're still juicing. You're doing everything. You're taking care. Well, I'm doing good. I actually gained five pounds of Vegas and I've already lost that. And mom's coming. And this is the last time mom's coming. All right. She's coming. Every three

months, she wants to show up. This ain't no fucking Disney. She's coming for two days. But I thought about something and I want to talk to the people about it. I'm going to, I already did a 36-day juice fast. I went to another 30-day one. And so many people have been asking me for, like, the recipe and stuff, it's not going to cost anything.

I'm just, I want, I'm going to start one, first another 30 days and if people want to join me, follow me on Twitter we can all do it to go. We could all do it together and if you don't want to juice and you want to do weight watchers, I want to give you enough two weeks to get the juicer or whatever you want to do let's have a healthy May and fucking everyone lose 10, 15 pounds. Let's do it, let's do it.

So follow me on Twitter to Lee Scy it. Let's do it. Look at Lee fucking starting fucking cults and shit. Oh shit. What music do you got for me, Coxsuk. Do you want to do golden earring and finish it up or do you want to do something else? I love you guys. Have a great. safe weekend. Don't forget Miami go online. Paid days Friday. Let's get this sold out so we can make our market and we can fucking start making it happen down there. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Stay black. Go to honor. I want to thank Felipe. I want to thank the other fucking savage Tom Segru and I'll see you guys Tuesday. Have a great week.