The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 04/15/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #71

Episode Date: April 16, 2013

Chloe Dykstra, actress and friend of Joey's who he met on the set of Spiderman 2, calls in today. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at check out. Streamed live on 04/15/2013

Before we get the podcast started, our hearts and thoughts go with the people and citizens of Boston. Lee Syatt's originally from Boston, so we'll be thinking of you. It's dedicated to you. Hit it, Lee. Oh shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Link, crank that motherfucker.

What's the problem here? I'm relating to the Cosmo. You want to hit of this? Yeah, Lee. Another one, sure. Oh, shit. Another one, like, you did go on. I have to walk him from the kitchen. I got a fucking 16-year-old nephew with the fucking problems with his ears.

He smokes more than you. Think he's another one? Get it together, Kyle. Looking dapper. Monday afternoon, 3 o'clock, special edition. Lee had to do something this morning. Sorry about the whole thing. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive.

No matter what's going on, like I said, our hearts and prayers go out to you. Let's get this motherfucking party. Started, bitches. Beautiful fucking day. How was the weekend? Lee? Talk to me about something good. It was great. I had my mom here from Friday to Monday, which is really, I mean, it would be nice to see her for longer, but that's really the perfect amount of time.

Do something fun every night. I actually took her to the comedy store, which I was kind of nervous about, but our buddy Steve Simone killed it, which was fucking awesome. Did you smoke dope down there? No, fuck. You got your best behavior? Yeah, of course. My mom had two drinks, which in my entire 24 years of living. I've never seen her.

I have two drinks, and she had a great time. All right. What else happened? We went and saw the new Robert Redford movie, which is fucking awesome. What's the name? The company you keep. It was fucking amazing. And then we went on a whale watch yesterday, which was a ton of fun.

You're a fucking savage. I don't know. It was weird. But I have some videos I put up on Twitter. Just like hundreds of dolphins just swimming right up against a boat. And it was a lot of fun. Oh, you were on a boat? Yeah.

Oh, okay. I think you want a beast like a fucking moot. That's how you would watch. No, I don't fucking know. You'd go there with an animal. You just go to the beach I can't fucking see no way else Why you gotta throw the edible in here

Why you just can't go staking Because you came to my house More stone than I've ever seen you Stop it I'm fine It's 3 o'clock I'm just getting the party started If you ain't high by 2 It's fucking 3

How are you wait? You expect me to show up here And not practice what I preach You know me though Fucking whale water So you got on a boat and everything Yeah You have a little sun a little suit on and everything

No no fuck that No but I got sent it was It was fucking It was like a cloud o montham bomb It was cloudy yet yesterday but I got fucking burned. Yeah, that's the best son. That's the best fucking sun day when it's like drizzly now.

Oh, shit, okay. You didn't know this shit? No, I didn't. I don't go outside for the entire reason. That's the problem. It's fucking Monday. Get up, you fuck. A lot of people have been home all day.

It's rain and it's snow. Who gets up? What are you? Get up. It's a beautiful day. Go out there. Go get a job. Do something.

There's a bunch of shit going on this week. I didn't do dick. Nothing? I did a bunch of spots. What did I do since last Wednesday? Did, uh... I don't even fucking know. I'm on the

road for the next five fucking weeks. I just wanted to... I did spots every night. I went on stage last night. Got on stage Saturday night. I got on stage Friday. Oh, I was at the Ice House Friday. Thursday I was somewhere.

Oh, I was with George Perez and the boys. Thursday or somewhere, right? No, no, no, no, no. I was in O'Hambert Thursday night. Wednesday I was with George, and a lot of people showed up in the podcast. Thank you. A guy gave me a picture of a fucking monkey he drew.

Some other guy gave me some of him. posts. Seriously, you're getting some cool fucking shit. I got some... No, I know. My man sent us the fucking t-shirts, the foil, we'll have to wear them. Once the fucking camera gets in, we've been waiting for these cameras for a year, people. For two weeks, I've been on the year, the wire. No, I've got to figure

it out, you cucks, or you're in Vegas, dancing, having a good time. Yeah, I take one vacation in two and a half years. Where's the letter? You forgot it. You forgot it. You're on top of this shit. You forgot it. You forgot it told me to just walk around my house with, like a burning torch of fire. And I had to convince you to just give you the joint. I don't like the joint. fuck you're talking about. Get it together. It's Monday afternoon.

A lot of shit's going on. A lot of fucking weird shit. The Koreans are coming. You know, you gotta get it together. You think it was the Koreans? Huh? You think it was the Koreans? I didn't say nothing. Did I fucking say it was the class? You didn't even get the Koreans. I didn't say the Koreans did nothing. Did I say anything? Did I say the Koreans doing anything? I said, they're pissed off. A lot of shit's going on. So you gotta pay attention.

Is that how you talk to cops? Like you say something and then they're like, did you say I did it? No, you got to confuse people sometimes. You know, you just can't let them go. You got to fucking pander out with some fucking motherfuckers, you know? I heard from a very interesting person on Facebook. It was one of the weirdest. You ever get a message from somebody? And you read the message, you look at the face, you think it's somebody from the podcast or somebody from stand-up,

you know that person. Something happens. You get up from the computer, you shut the computer up, but that name sticks with you. and I didn't know what the fucking name was but I kept saying I know this person so I went back home went to the message

clicked on the picture still looked at her it was like I knew her but I fucking didn't know her okay right I knew her but I fucking didn't know and went to the message and I go how you doing you know I just tried to bullshit my way through it it's been a long time and blah blah about two seconds later she's in my back

she goes you don't remember me she goes I know I wouldn't she goes we met at a dealership in 1987 or something Jesus and I looked at the thing and I knew the first name

but the last name she had gotten remarried so I looked at the pictures and I hit her back and then she gave me a number and I called her back and we had spoke about how long we hadn't seen each other

what had happened was when I moved to back to Colorado in 1994 I moved out here I never told nobody about that. I didn't have nothing to talk about. Right before I left Jersey in 94, I went back in 93 and I was doing comedy,

I was living with George, I was cutting my teeth into comedy in New York City. Okay. I met this girl that was kind of fucking nutty. And it wasn't a sexual thing. There was no sexual thing involved. I met her selling her a car, her and her boyfriend, and she was moving out to Colorado,

and then she needed a roommate, so she had found a place, and I moved in with her, and she was a drug rehab. And here I'm up till 6 in the fucking morning doing comedy. I don't know what comedy is about. You know what I'm going on?

I'm doing my new fucking a minute and a half of material. I don't know nothing. I'm just excited to be living. At that time, I was going through drama with my ex-wife. But the point of the story was it hadn't been laid.

Like through all this comedy, you know, and I lived in New York, I was living with George, we shared a room. I can't invite somebody over there. We lived there with a fucking grandmother. Where are you going to invite over? You were trying to invite that chick

When you have a roommate right away, he can't go nowhere. You're trying to shame on you for even bringing the dirty bitch over because you know your fucking roommate to Slab. So I just didn't get laid. It was one of those things. And I was ready to bust. I was a young man, you know, after about fucking three months, you're just whacking off uncontrollably.

You know, I wasn't as heavy. Something. I just wasn't focused on that. It's in child support. I had no time. Any money I had left over went to fucking blow. Yeah. I was working in New York City.

So I moved back to Colorado. I'm living with this Puerto Rican chick with the drug rehab. And one day, she goes, I heard you snorting last night. You have 10 days to move out. Just do me the favor. She wasn't angry. She was a very cool girl. And I moved down.

I moved with a cousin, like a distant, not real blood cousin. But he was like a family fucking. We knew him from Jersey. And one night I bump into this fucking blonde chick. Lead this bitch is banging. And she comes up. She goes, remember me? And I go, yeah.

And she goes, I got divorced. So I got separated, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I came to watch you do comedy. And she goes, I brought you a treat. And she had blow with her, like a fucking half-eight ball. So I knew her, and I knew the guy she was involved with. She had a kid with him. But this bitch was so crazy.

Even the kid didn't stop it. She spit the kid out and started doing blow all over again. He couldn't control. And this bitch was banging. And here I am, horny as fuck. I think the first night we went home and nothing happened. We did like a half-eight ball, and I was still, like, in the friend zone. I was in that Lee.

I used to walk around like the Lee then. She's not going to fuck me. She doesn't want a cock. And then next night she's like, where are you going? Let's stay in the hotel again. And we went again and got another eight ball. And that night we just went for it, salami juice, fucking everything,

rubbed ourselves with pickle juice, the whole fucking thing. And this went on for about a week. And about one day I was in Boulder, and I was working at National Car Rentals, doing stand-up comedy. I forgot all about this until this weekend. You didn't know about this. I don't agree.

For national car rental 20 hours a week, and the manager was such a cool motherfucker. This is how I got taken care of. The guy was so cool, he'd go look at, if you get here on time and do your job, if you need a car for a gig, it's on me. Oh, cool. So all my little gigs, when I first started doing comedy,

I was broke as fuck. Broke as fuck. I lived in a fucking basement. I had just moved back from New York. I had just gotten divorced. I lived in a rocky apartment. My coffee table was a weightlifting bench. I had a Sony Triniton, I had a couch, and I had a bedroom, and it was a mattress.

That's it. There was nothing else in the bed. The bedroom was so small. It was no walk space. Oh, yeah. Once you open, the door was open, the mattresses. I would walk in the bedrooms like that, yeah. And I would just fall onto the fucking bed.

Yeah. I had nothing. I was basically just banging out fucking stand-up, and this guy used to give me cars and shit like that. If I worked 20 hours a week for him, and he paid me $8 an hour, whatever the fuck it was at that time. I go in there at 7. I'd wash cars for rentals, pick whatever he needed up, parts for the service, whatever.

And boom, he paid me, and then he'd go, listen to come on down. So I was down there washing cars, and her ex-husband pulled up. Who I knew for years, who was a great guy,

and he came out like a man. He goes, hey, can I talk to you for a second? He goes, listen, man, I'm not here to rain on your fucking parade or nothing. He goes, Lori's a piece of fucking ass. Right? I mean, he said it right out. He goes, but do me a favor.

He goes, I got a two-year-old kid with her. And I went to therapy and all this shit. I really wanted to get back with her. And if she doesn't have a cohort, a partner, it's easier for me to get her back. Just do me that favor as a man. Can you do that? And as horny as I was at that time.

I had enough ju-ju-juice of me to give this freak dick for a fucking month. That's how horny I was. And she was that beautiful, even after the kid, whatever. I don't know how old she was. I don't know how old I was. But anyway, to make a long story short, I wouldn't pack my stuff.

Just the way he came up to me as a man. You have to respect that. You gotta fucking respect that type of shit. He didn't threaten me. He didn't do none. He just said, listen, do me a favor if you could, you know. And I remember thinking about how hard it would be for me. I had been going through that with my ex.

And I wish at one time my ex, his boyfriend, when it came to me like a man and said, hey, I'm not here to cause problems. I just met her and she's got a kid. Sometimes it's easy just to get the shit out of the way. Did you ever think about doing that with your ex? Now at this point? No, no, no, not when you were 50.

When it was going down at the time, listen, Monroe. The last thing I want, Bo, is to fucking have problems with somebody. Yeah. The last fucking thing I want in my world is that shit around me. So at first, I would try to talk to her. Lee, I would try to fucking talk to her. Yeah. And a week later, I get a letter from an attorney.

Oh, Jesus. For spilling my guts to her. This is what I get. You follow me? Like I'd say to her, for example, like, oh, you know, my agreement with you was this. I gave me an extra hundred because I made a little extra money. I'm trying to put some money away to move. A week later, I get a fucking letter that you want to take me back to court to raise my child support. Oh, fuck that.

Okay. So that's the fucking deal, Lee. You follow me? So it's just really weird that she hit me up and she remarried and she was in Wyoming or something like that. And that's the end of that fucking story. but I always thought about me about that story, how as one as I was, Lee. But just, and you know what, let me tell you the fucked-up thing.

Let me tell you how weird that happened, what happened at that time, that we ended up, me and the guy who came up to me, he lived in Boulder, and he knew people who sold coke. So we ended up becoming my fucking code dealer, and we never talked about it again. I probably stole $1,400 fucking bucks in 1995. And you know what,

if I ever bump into him, I'll give him the money. Just because of that story, how he came to me like a man. I've never forgotten him. And I know mutual friends are his now that go to Boulder. And when they come back, they go, you know who mentioned you? Boom, they always say his fucking name.

So if he's watching a podcast or whatever, I was thinking about him. But that's how weird fucking Facebook is. It connects you with people from the deep, deep, deep skeletons of your fucking closet. And I don't even know if that was a skeleton. That was just a thought that I figured

I just bring, it was just the weirdest thing that I was going through that divorce thing. And this girl came up to me and who would have known? Who would have fucking known? At that time, I had 24 minutes of comedy material. Okay. That's what I had. 24 minutes. 24 minutes was the biggest time I ever did in my life.

I was like, fuck. It was 1994. And how long have you been doing stand-up? At that time, real stand-up. Nothing. Nothing. I wasn't doing stand-up. I was winging it.

Okay. I was winging it. I was basically winging it. Did you ever do crowd work? Because I never really did do crowd work that much. Yes. You did? I started out.

That's what you do to burn out. When you don't have material. Excuse me. You want to burn fucking through material. So where are you from? What type of work you do? Oh, you work in the post office. And there's people that are very great at it.

Yeah. But that goes 50-50, which is what I was doing all along. I was going up on stage with no material with three or four hooks and just trying to wing it. So I was. doing that in a different sense and that shit blows I don't know I want to do that shit again that was good to learn to fall back on all that shit you fall back on last night I got into a tricky position where I was at the kid in front of me was young good looking had great energy and he had great material he was killing and he

went up there and when I first got up there I wasn't doing that well behind him okay but you know what kept me there my years of experience my years of doing shit fucking comedy rooms okay you know that's one thing that we laugh about me, Rogan. I do some fucking hellholes even today. They don't bother me. They make me sharper when I'm in the big fucking game. You know, because sometimes

you've got to play it. Everybody wants to play at the fucking giant stadium. Everybody wants to play a Foxborough, right? Is it still Foxborough or that's all right? It's in Foxborough, but yeah, it's Gillette's stadium. What's Gillette? Fucking Gillette now! Jesus! Those greedy bastards that that fucking raises. But, you know, sometimes you've got to

play on the pee-level just to bring you back. Like I've always said, I love going out and nights and watching young comics, but you feel like a fucking pervert at the park. Watching young comics? You feel you creeped them out. Really? I would be creeped out if I was doing comedy and I was in my third year and fucking Don Rickles or fucking some idiot was sitting in the fucking back, you know, even if it was just a mid-range

comic, it would just creep me out thinking, you know, what is he doing back there? Just sitting back there on heroin or something. Is that probably in your head? Because I would have to imagine if a young comic, because I mean, I've sat outside comedy clubs with you and all the comics come and stuff. Oh, no, I love comics. No, no, I understand you do, but, like, you said, like, you would think you feel creepy watching young comics. Like, don't you think most young comics would be excited to have you watch them?

Well, yes and no. I've been in that position when you've been in the room and somebody's been in there, Tom Hacks. Somebody's been in the fucking room. In your mind, you think maybe they can help you. Oh, I don't fucking know, but you always want to do a good job anyway. Yeah. You always really, really want to do good. What's what the shit?

What's the fucking question? What's the fucking questions? Where's Tony Bennett? today. It's fucking Monday, Doug. And where's the torch? She, if you would have had the torch, now while the music's playing, you're like to... Let's like the other joint will meet in the middle. And you haven't been smoking.

I have been smoking. No, you haven't been fucking smoking. I'm playing Tony Bennett. I'll let your fucking joint. That's why I love you. It's Monday afternoon. You're probably getting home, whatever. You get home on the East Coast at 6 o'clock. Hit it, Lee. Oh shit. You want to do the new one? Sure.

Where's the other one? What'd you do with it? When somebody... Lee, you're playing. it's Monday Lee you know I'm saying if you can't have a party what are you gonna do it's Monday afternoon get your shit together it's a beautiful that'll be alive I didn't go to the gym today I'm gonna go to 8 o'clock kickboxing class tonight

I've been eating good it was a good fucking weekend I got some business tomorrow today was light I had the baby from 8 to 11 you want to talk about torture I love it a debt but for the love today she made a major accomplishment I almost shit my fucking pants Had two friends who tutored me throughout this whole fatherhood shit and they told me listen Don't take your eyes off that fucking kid. Thank you my friend did you take a head Two hits them I took two hits I to keep it alive

I mean I want to be around Thank you Lee Look at least with the fucking Israeli flag. I like it Oh shit What? Talk to me no I just said oh shit that's all okay So what do you want your daughter do today? All right, so I'm sitting there on the couch. Straight as an arrow.

Because I know that shit. This morning I didn't do nothing because I know I had it to 11. So I'm sitting there, I'm sitting on the fucking couch like a moron. I'm watching some cartoon. My wife left on. She had taken an hour already. I was changing. So she's laying there.

My leg is right there. Okay. And my wife says exercise her. You know, don't be a bump. So I pick her up and I make a bounce up and down. And I sit her down. on her back and I make her straighten up her back and her head and it strengthens her neck

and then for the final fucking trip I lay on her stomach and she picks her head up right okay so today she was picking her head up and she's looking at me and the next thing you know though I see it going like this and this little monster just flips over I almost fucking lose it you know I'm ready to run for the fucking refit this kid just did like a magic trick I ain't used

to this shit right oh she rolled I thought she fell off the couch no no no no no I watched that kid dog that's you know I have two buddies who you know sat me down over the phone and were like, this is what you need to do. Do not do anything when you have this child. Just don't be one of those parents that read. Give the full attention. It's not going to work.

Yeah. So she rolled over. Oh, cool. She rolled over. But I was right there. We were both watching this fucking car. We were both watching this fucking car. Right?

And then I looked at him and I go, no, she fucking didn't roll over. Fidel was right there watching me, the cat. And I'm watching him. I'm watching him. I'm like, she fucking rolled over. I was like, yeah. I took her and I fucking put her on her stomach again. And she looked at me and she went.

Boop And he's fucking rolled over And then I called my wife I go tell you I don't know if you know this You know she's rolling over She's like no she's been trying I go well Fuck trying it's done

She goes get her on video So I got the video Oh really I put her on a fucking stomachly And I go roll over And she looked at me And she just plop You know

And she loved it It's the it's the plop That's still terrorized her little bit She's like What the fuck just happened It's like a roller coaster Thank God Chubby's here To break the fall

Thank God Chubby's here to break the fall Thank God Chubby's Lee, what the fuck? You're not smoking, though. I have, too. Your mother flying, tell these people what's going on. Your mother was flying back from here to Boston. Yeah, I dropped her off.

She had an 8.30 a.m. flight. She's like Joey, and she likes to get on the plane early. And then I woke up, and I saw something happen on Twitter, and I've been calling people, but cell phone services down there because they're worried about people exploding other bombs, because there were two bombs that they found, and maybe another one at a library, they're not sure,

they don't know who that might have just been a fire. And then there's reports that they found, like, two or three of them that didn't get exploded. And luckily, I got my mom on the phone, and she was fine, and my aunt and uncle were fine. There's still one person who I haven't been able to get in touch with. I called you from the coffee shop, because any bravo called me,

and asked if I had heard, and I called a friend of mine, and then I called you, and I went home to change, and wash my little monkey and I seen what it happened and that's it that's where I stand who knows who did it why fucking blame anybody why point fucking fingers

sit back pray for the families and let's focus on what's important to the time is coming you know what's all you can do but always fucking know that this could happen anywhere at any fucking time be prepared people yeah it's the scariest thing to want to go out to see that for years

you know as an American you were used to doing shit You're used to going to games or whatever the fuck you did, Celtic games or Boston Red Sock games. I'm going to tell you something, people. None of you can bullshit me. You tell me the last three or four years every time you've been to an event, you haven't sat there one time at that event and ask yourself, what if a bomb went off right now? Yeah.

Or what if some fucking moron gets up with a BB gun and a bone arrow and start shooting motherfuckers at this Laker game? Did you ever fucking think of that? Because I always do. Oh, yeah. I go to a UFC, and I'm looking for fucking munarrang. morons. Anything I do now it's in the back of my fucking mind.

When I walk through security at the airport and I put my fucking sleep apnea machine on the belt and all that shit, people, that is the most awake I ever fucking am. It's just something. When I walk into an airport, you know, and if you throw enough fucking spaghetti, you're going to store all. It's going to fucking go all.

I'm in an airport every week. Eventually, fucking somebody, Ali Baba, somebody's going to put a bomb at the airport that I'm fucking at. God forbid, but it's going to happen. You have to always, every time I'm out of the fucking house now, I got to ask myself, I could be at a Sunday fucking farmer's market and you've got to sit there and fucking ask yourself, is this the day while I'm buying this fucking carrot and this tomato that's some idiot right here at the

farmer's market, so to take out a fucking gun and take the black guy playing out the Jamaican drums and fucking, you know, the falafel guy and all this shit is today the fucking day we all worry about this and it's a goddamn shame that this is what's come down to. This today is a goddamn shame. Yeah, it's terrible the fuck did it. Whatever the fuck did it. I don't care who the fuck did it. It's just a goddamn fucking shame.

And this is what you got to think about when you were the fucking supermarket now. You're a fucking supermarket. You got to look at the door and see what the fuck you're at. And, you know. Now, you grew up in New York. You were here for 9-11, so you weren't in New York. No. But what was it like back then?

Because you probably probably wasn't in New York for 9-11, but I was in New York back then. And there weren't savages like this when I was growing up. Listen, there was a fight. It was between two fucking idiots that had a beef over something stupid and some waitress got shot, God forbid. It could be somebody's daughter. You know, but this shit here's a different level, people. Yeah.

And you've got to be alert and you've got to watch and, you know, he-ha-ha-ha. It's fucking done. That shit are fucking around when you're walking around. You know, how many people get on that train in Boston? How many thousand? We fucking people get on that fucking train. I don't even live there. And I've been into Boston when I get off that airport.

I've taken that fucking train. Oh, yeah. Into whatever, and then the cab picks you up and takes you the fucking bum fuck, Quincy, wherever the hell you're going to, you know, the shipyard, wherever the fuck you're going. A Worcester or Club 52. I've been in that beautiful fucking city.

Listen, as a comedian, what happened today? Smacked you in the face. You're not a real comic, you go to fucking Boston. Look at all the greats that came out of fucking Boston. Look at all the people that went up there and developed. Listen to Joe Rogan's story. They were so good.

They didn't even talk to him. You know what I'm saying? I mean, that was the talent that was up there. So I didn't become a comic, until I did that Fanyu Hall. Even if I went in there six minutes. It had to bring three fucking people.

It didn't matter. I did it. I got to say I did it. And this could be Boston. This could be Milwaukee. This could be Montana. This could be San Francisco. This could be fucking anywhere.

Did you not watch that thing on 60 minutes about the the fucking the Sandy Hook? Oh, no. You were talking about it. The father at the end said, listen, this is the beauty of this.

This is going to happen again. It's going to happen. again, it's going to happen again. This today is fucking wakadoo. But listen, this is not what I came down here to talk about. It just infuri's me. And I get fucking hot wife. I give this motherfucker the light he doesn't deserve.

Exactly. Your only life he deserves is your fucking pina in the school look. You're dirty, you're dirty fucking Jew. I love you. Everything all right? I miss you, cock-sucking. You've been slipping. What? That's your last night at work tomorrow. We're going back to work. I'll whip you the fucking debt that said it's all over. I got

two black chicks and an Iranian chick that wants to front of your face. The Iranian chick wants to fight on your face out of respect. She's like, you know what, I don't like you guys. I'm going to fart his face. Just to get the party started. It's Monday, people. You can start all over again. You ain't doing nothing tonight.

Go down to the vote. Fucking tech. See what they're teaching on plumbing, electrical wiring, how to change your oil. It's better than fucking sitting. Are you ever going to vote tech? No. You were never one of those retards? I went to vote tech for a couple weeks. I went there for plumbing. Fuck that shit.

I did some summer courses there, like some... What did you learn? That's the first time I ever did, like, video editing stuff. Did you really? You know what you wanted to do with that age double. Yeah, kind of. In high school, I figured it out, but, like, the summer between... My mom was big on not sitting around during the summer, so we did that.

Like, I did some sports still then, so I do, like, sports half the day, and then video stuff half the day. But, yeah, there's not many people go back to... East or at least where I'm from. There's a school that services like eight or ten towns around and they can barely fill a school now. Because no one really wants to be a plumber or do stuff like that. So it's a

good idea. Well, nobody teaches you anymore. Nobody has a time to teach you. 20 years ago, if you were a carpenter, there would be a carpenter's helper. And you know, you made cuts. You basically did all the work. The carpenter just nailed the shit up or even then. He'd just leave you on your own job.

But you had to do that for two or fucking three years. to get under your feet. Now they want to pay you a six bucks an hour and you gotta be a laborer too. You can't make a fucking living. You can't make a fucking living at six bucks an hour doing that shit. There was union carpentry.

There was union... I told you, I always wanted to be a mason. There was union masonry when I was a kid. You could join the fucking union. You had to give them your grades from high school mat. I swear to God, bring your high school diploma and you had to pay a fucking fee.

$1,500. You went down there, you're shaped every day. You know what shaping is? When you have to go down there every fucking day and then they pick it. Okay. And sometimes, it's like a movie roll. Sometimes you get one day,

sometimes you get three days, sometimes you get the jackpot. They're going to be there for two fucking years. And you got yourself a job as a Mason's helper, which is a fucking nightmare if you've never done it. I did it. Yeah. We have to get the machine and put a bucket of water in there.

Jesus. And then you've got to put 13 scoops of sand in there. Then you've got to pick up a hundred pound bag of fucking cement. Break that on your fucking leg, dump that in there. And then, like, another 16 scoops of sand, a little bit more, water because each brick layer likes

it a certain fucking way. Then you've got to tip the machine over, it goes in there, then you got to get wheelbarrows and fill three of those motherfuckers up with cement and bring them each to their fucking masons and drop off the cement on each of their fucking trays. That's how I did it though. I don't fuck around. But I'm exhausted just from listening to that?

Oh, please. It's a nightmare. I remember being on planks, like a fucking pirate. Like they'd be in a hole. Yeah. They would put two, like, two by 12s. You know, 30 fucking feet and they'd adjust the middle so they wouldn't crack in the middle, and you'd have to walk over like Indiana Jones with a wheel barrel filled. You'd have to get across the fucking bridge, and there was like skulls on the bottom.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. I don't fuck around. You know Uncle Joey don't fuck. Who do you think you're dealing with Joey bananas? This is why I tell you got to fucking pay attention. Hit me with some talking heads, Lee, a little something for these people. And Lee, I need to see your wiggle.

You haven't been wiggling lately. You're pissing me off, Lee. I'm sorry. Lee, you're slipping on the music. Oh, shit, Lee. It's coming. See what I'm fast? It's fast. You may find yourself in fucking Russia sewing hats or you're in Sherman Oaks. Right? Do you get a high with Joey Dean.

That's right. Let me see you're going to funk with Joe. What? Do it baby. That's it. That's all you got for me. At the time as that started, yeah. Do it still. Do it. Do it. What? What? Shagely. All right, motherfuckers. Monday. 3.30. afternoon. A beautiful day to be alive. Get your shit together. I even want it blue

for you. Watch it. Watch it. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Same as it ever was. Lee, you stoned you? No. Leek. Don't light another fucking joy. I got like eight more to smoke. I'm sure you do. They all half done.

You're fucking... Lee, what the fuck. You love messing with me. You don't want to smoke another. You don't want to eat enough. edible nothing. Why do you have to get the strongest edibles? When is the next time you're going to eat nothing? Never. Because your edibles are too fucking strong. Why are you to torture me for? What am I torturing you for? You come

over here. You can't, it's like, oh, thank God. Here we go. Who's this? What up, Joey? Oh, shit. Is my girl. Oh, shit. How's it going? You know, I'm sitting here with the flying Jew, Lee Syatt. We're trying to put a little show together.

over here talking about this and that and bullshit and about whatever. Say hello to my girl, my little niece, Chloe Dykstra. Hi, Chloe. Thanks for calling. Hey, thanks for having me on. How are you guys doing?

You know, it's a Monday afternoon. Lee don't want to eat an edible because he has to work at Sixth of Clause. I'm trying to make him to eat a pot cookie to get the blood going. And he's always turning me down like he's an AA or something now. I'm trying to straighten him out.

I'm trying to tell him. That shit don't work on the Jews. I'm telling you, Leah, don't do it. I'm a Cuban Jew. Work with me. What's going on with you, my love? It's been a while since I saw you. I know.

It's been quite a while. God, we met... How old was I? I think it was like 15 years old. And I, yep, it was nine years ago on the set of Spider-Man 2 on the train. Yep, yep. One of my favorite jobs

that I ever had. I actually wanted to tell you, because this is really funny. We were talking earlier today, and I went on my live journal, and I found all these excerpts from when I was working on the set. It was very interesting. I had done day work up to that time. I had done like a day on cold case, an afternoon on this. And it was like I was telling you earlier when I booked it, I was waiting.

I don't know if you've been in between jobs where you're up to two jobs, and they really want you for both jobs, but there's one that you're really leaning towards. Right. When the agent called and said to me, you got booked, and I was like, I got this recurring role, and you got Spider-Man 2.

One day, scale, it works July 31st. You remember the date. That's crazy. It was amazing because it's Spider-Man 2, so in my heart I was happy, but I was like, ah, it's one fucking day. I'm going to get this type of movie again. This is my life.

one fucking day. And they called me like the end of June and they're like, hey, come on down a wardrobe. And I go, why am I coming in, son? And I start work next week. And it turned into 14 days for one line. It was freaking awesome. I have like a similar experience.

But for me, like, okay, because my dad did the visual effects. So my dad always, when I was younger, he'd be like, come on down the set. So this was sort of a new experience for me. And, I mean, I had a blast the whole freaking time. no idea what was going on, but I just, you know, I just had so much fun. And then I got one line

too, but your line was way more awesome than mine. But it's funny how, for me, the movie meant something different because at the time, I was kind of fucked up, I was just really struggling as a comic. When I was doing Spider-Man 2, I got contacted by the Sopranos. Oh. Do you remember that on the train? To be big, pussy's brother for four episodes. That's right. That's right. And I put the audition on tape.

Yes, and I put the audition on tape late night, like at 12 o'clock at night, a comic from Houston, John Wesleying, put it on tape for me at his house while his wife was sleeping, and we were singing Pat Benatar songs, and he put the fucking audition on tape, and they booked me. And they fired me that following Friday while I was telling them to sit. But I didn't give a fuck. I was at Sony Studios eating lobster tails with Chloe like a mother. people were eating salad

I'm just banging out the lobster tails and the pomegranate juice was big then I would not give up that experience for anything I you know it's you think that you know with a job where you're cooped up on a train every day for two weeks that you get really sick of it but

you know we all made we were all friends like I made friends that I still talk to and this was nine freaking years ago and I was 15 years old and it was funny because Chloe and I were talking about the train early How I fell in love with Chloe was I'm crazy And I'm on this fucking train

And Chloe is going at it with this guy But she's telling the guy She's calling the guy B.A. B.A. Bad actor. He's a bad actor. And I'm looking at this little young... You had braces, you had your cute little glasses, You were this cute little girl. I used to call you Aro Levine, right?

I used to call him an Averill, because Aro was hot at the time. and I'm like, Aru, Averill. And I fell in love with you. I'm like, she's calling people out on the train. I better bring my motherfucking A-game. Joey, I found a whole, like, the diary entry from the train, and I found, like, where I described everybody, and I thought you would appreciate this.

Because one of the first people, his name is just B.A. And it says, Ashley named John. Actually, named John, this guy has had many nicknames since I've met him, including bad actor, um, big, pardon me, big asshole and badass.

There's always someone I pick on and this guy's it. He's so easy to tease. At age 33, you'd think he'd be more mature. He said this is a 15 year old. It was awesome. And I found yours, too,

if you want to hear what I said about you. No, that's okay. Don't embarrass me. I love you enough. I love you enough. It was, and it was funny that,

uh, we were talking about, who's the actor that was, that played Doc Akkin, that? Alfred Molina When Alfred Molina is Because Sam

Sam Ramey blew my mind I gotta be honest You I had never met Anybody like Sam Ramey Until this day Behind the camera I never worked with somebody

Like Sam Ramey He'd wear that black suit every day With the white shirt Like he's a guitar player From the cars And he was just It was like he was somewhere else But he was on the money

He knew what the hell he wanted Uh huh And Yeah he was great Oh I remember first going in there He shook my hand He's like, your audition tape is great.

He goes, listen, I don't want you on the train. You're too big. That was it. That was it. There was no exclamation. He goes, you understand? Just go to your trailer, and I'll call you when we need you.

And then, like, three days later, he asked me if I knew Alfred Molina, and he goes, let me introduce you to Alfred, and he goes, excuse me, Joey Dears, this is Alfred Molina. And honestly, he looks at Alfred, and he goes, I had to hire him. What can I tell you?

And that was my first contact ever with Doc Locke. He was cool He was really nice I remember like Everybody on that movie was super affable and nice I remember We played a prank on Sam Do you remember this?

No When we got stuck on set Because Sam was late Or something like that And so And then there's like hundreds of people On the soundstage We all just played dead

We'd all played like We didn't fall out of sleep Waiting for him And he showed up And he thought it was hysterical Do you remember that? We were all like all over the train

I kind of remember we did something else to him one day. We did something to his coffee and this is Sam Rame you're talking about. This is like greatness like Hollywood greatness

I remember I was telling you earlier I went to say goodbye to him and he was shooting a remember because we were talking about they had a camera and they had the second camera and that's who shot us in the train

and he was shooting something else at the same time and I went over to the other stage which who's the director from the Michael Jackson thriller. Oh, no. He was on the set with Ramey when I walked into this fucking room.

So I'm watching this, and I'm already, like, in tears. Like, I know I'm at the comedy store for $15 a night. John Landis. John Landis. I'm at the comedy store for $15 a night, Chloe. And here I am. Where we go? Oh, shit.

Holy crap. That was fucking Jill Lundis on the fucking set. And this is who I'm talking to. I'm like, I think, and he goes, John. Do you know Joe Dears? boom, boom. And then he goes, what can I do? I go, listen, man, I had a pleasure working with you. You're a great director. And he goes, hold on one second.

Cut. And he cut the scene. He goes, tell these people you just told me, you're a great director. This is what I'm talking about. And he goes, back to work, everybody. That was Sam Raymond. That's so funny. Wait, wait, wait. Did you say Sam said that to John? Yes. Sam said that. Okay, that's really funny. John Landis' kid, his kid, Max Landis, is actually a good friend of mine. I didn't even

make that connection. Yes. It's hysterical. Yes. And if you, I don't think he's in the IMDB, but if you watch the film, he's the one, one of the surgeons. Of course he is. Because Sam always puts people like that. He always puts buddies in. Duh. Yes. Oh my God. I didn't even

realize that he was in the movie. That's amazing. Here's John Landis. He is on IMDB. He is on IMDB. Okay, yeah, this is John Landis. I walked into Sam Ramie and John Landis. I'm and 12, 15 spots at the store for $15 because I'm saying fuck on stage. This is where I was at, Chloe.

But the other reason what made me really like you, or made me really falling in love with you, was your balls. But on top of that, at the time, I wasn't talking to my ex-wife and my daughter. I had a daughter that was close to your age. And I remember looking at you going, I wish my daughter grows up to be

this girl. And look, nine years later, nine years later, you're doing all these great things. And I'm proud of your beautiful. Beautiful, you know, and we almost bumped into each other an audition about three years ago. I had left you a note or something. You were there with your mom. They said it was even longer because you had been there with your mom.

It had to be right after Spider-Man, too. Oh, huh. I left your note. I say hello to her or something. Joey, I was always freaking crazy about you. Oh, me too. I was crazy about you. You're a real sweetheart, and I'm really happy that, just to see you, doing all these great things.

and you're on Twitter still, you have a great sense of humor, and I looked at some of your stuff. You grew up to be a beautiful girl. I'm really proud of you, man. Oh, thanks, Joey. You're not going to be a Hollywood story. You haven't done too badly yourself. Yeah, you're a savage, man, you know,

and that's why I wanted to get you on it. I want to tell you what you meant to me. You were really, I'm proud of you. If I had a daughter, I wanted to grow up to be you. That's it. That's it. Thank you so much. That's really, that means a lot to me.

And, you know, I used to, this is silly, but I used to have a fear of men. For some reason when I was younger, I was just scared of men. But you just made me feel so comfortable, and I was so, I just adored you. So, you know, that really means a lot. Thanks, Joey. Thank you for calling in. Listen, you have my number. You're a friend of the show.

You want to promote anything. You want to get on stage, and let me come down and see you. I love to be there when you get on stage the first time. I think you would do great. Sorry, I'll let you know if I ever decided to hop up there. I appreciate it. Thank you for calling. I'll give you a call next week and we'll do coffee.

Okay, sounds great. I love you, Chloe. Have a great day. I love you too. Bye, guys. Bye, bye. And for anyone looking, she's at Skydart on Twitter. And that's crazy.

I've heard the name John Landis before, but for people who want to know, this is directing. He did Animal House, Blues Brothers, trading places, spies like us, three amigos coming to America, Beverly Hills Cop 3

Black and White Thriller and Honey I shrunk the kids and just everything And then you see him on set That must have been crazy Guys look I've told you motherfuckers

Tons of stories And I've been here with you I'm not in the business To drop names on you Tell you who I had coffee with That's a bull I don't have coffee Nobody fucking likes me

But I will tell you the things I do appreciate And this dumb fucking shit that we do when you see guys like that. I still remember. It was 90 fucking, no, it was 2003. It was right now. At this time last, 10,000, 10 years ago,

I had already booked Spider-Man 2. It was April, yeah. Okay. I was just booking Spider-Man 2. Now, what movie, we talked about a movie a while ago where you had, said all the directors were in town for a convention, and the person, was it, was it Scarface? Scarface.

And they came in, and they came in, And again, had directors, like, eight directors direct, like, one scene. That's the scene. At the end, the bullet scenes, the mirrors in the fucking, what the hell you call, at the end. Yeah. Say hello to my little friend. There's all a bunch of different camera men. So it must be kind of, like, especially in this town, everyone has a huge ego.

And it's cool for a director to have, like, just another director come on set and be like, what do you see here? What do you want to do? Yeah. I mean, you can't really get anyone, any movies better than, well, this guy's done. Listen, let's fucking get down. This is 2003. I had been here five years. I never expected to be a fucking extra.

And here I was in a scene with Alfred Molina for motherfucking boogie nights. Let's just drop it right there. That scene with the fucking robe and the underwear where he's lighting firecrackers with the Chinese guy in the back. And here's this guy, and I'm doing a scene with him. Like, guys, are you fucking kidding me?

Ten years earlier. I was stealing aspirin. In Fort Lee, New Jersey and yeast infection medication, walking out of fucking Grand Union, walking over to George Washington Bridge and selling it to the Dominican bodega owners for $40. You think I'm fucking kidding. Here, I'm going to set opposite out for fucking Molina.

Then it gets better. I'm going to say thank you to Sam Ramey, right? This Sam Ramey, we're talking about this little dude with a white shirt and a little suit on that looks like Paul McCartney when they landed from fucking London or whatever the fuck they came from. And here's he's talking to John Landis, And he introduces me to John Landon.

I excuse myself, introduces me to John Landis. And then says, what's up? And I thank him. And that's the story where he goes, tell everybody what the fuck you think here. And the rest is history. For a guy like me, I was coming alone myself. And while I'm doing this,

the sopranos want me to play the big pussy's brother. This is all going on. And I'm leaving my house, guys. At 6 a.m., we had no dough. My wife has taken a train to work. My wife just take the car. There was no train. The fucking son.

So I had to be there at 7 every morning because they didn't know when they were going to use me. They just came at 7. So I'd go to fucking there at 7. I'd go into a little room with a couch. The room was half the size of this. It had a couch, a table, a little refrigerator, a TV with a remote control, and a phone with a long distance. Are you kidding me? I'd sit there like a doctor rubbing my own toes, cutting my fingernails, rubbing cream on my feet,

smoking reef and shit. Are you kidding me? that the movie where you'd say like you'd go into like the thing every morning like Sam someone's been smoking weed in my office again and he go, what do you want me to do? I don't know. I go, Sam, this shit has to come to an end. It's fucking Monday.

An afternoon special edition. We had shit to do. You got to drive his mother to the airport, you know how that goes. Fucking got. Tell him no more Monday flights got stuck. All right. Is that what it is? Because the traffic was terrible this morning. You're crazy. It's hard terrible. What time was a flight? 8.30. Yeah. So we left like 545.

Oh. Yeah. you're late. No, no, no, we got there like 6.30 and she got, she was in, she was You meet the Tommy at 6 a.m. It was already crowded. Oh, the 4. Luckily, we were able to take this. 5 South was already crowded. If we

hadn't been able to take the HOV land, it would have been packed. I told you. I told you. No, no. The HOV is done. You've got to get like a dummy or electrical fuck somebody. You got to pay somebody a half a yard. It's a fucking nightmare. That's why. Why do you think I get out of here at 5? Yeah. Listen, I, I'm

Piss because I got to go to New York and there's no 6 a.m. It's fucking pissing me. Yeah, there's a 7 a.m. American, but I don't want a 7 a.m. I want a fucking 5.45 type of motherfucker. So I get to New York a decent fucking time. Why don't you do the red eye the night before? Because you're right of red eye. I love red eyes.

I don't sleep. You sleep. You take your fucking shirt off and run your face and you fall asleep. You eat a bad salami sandwich. You probably bring on a... Don't you bring on that California pizza shit, too? I don't bring it on the plane. And then you make everybody fucking smell on the plane.

No, I was going to say, you can't bring a salad on the plane. People do. I've sat there with motherfuckers who come in with like a McDonald's or something. You don't know how bad McDonald smells to eat that smell that shit on a fucking plane. Oh yeah. Especially after it's been in your bag for about an hour and it smells cold. It smells like a dead

fucking black foot. Yeah. You ever smell a dead black foot in Holland? No. When I took you up to... Remember that one I took into 148 Street? Yeah. When my stepfather shot the dude in front of that building. I still think about that place, what it was when we went

and what it was 30 fucking years ago. What that name was? How many kids were on the street? How many kids were on the street on Broadway? All those balconies we saw on Broadway with stairs were all packed with people playing conga drums and

selling nickel bags. It was such a different fucking New York City. How much a fucking plane ticket is to New York City? The worst on American Airlines is like 500 bucks. Are you serious? It's a nickel to fly out of New York. 700.

You got like a choice seat. That means that you get fucking free luggage. You get 50% more miles, but you got to buy it online. What kind of shit is that? I'm going to sit there and type in your fucking number and shit. I call it American. They don't want to cut me the same fucking deal.

No, but they, out of Burbank, now they fly direct to New York for Southwest. So next time I go back to Boston. No, they don't. Yeah. Southwest direct to what airport? JFK. You're fucking blowing smoke up my ass.

No. But that could be a nightmare. When do you want to leave? I'll check if they have a six-eight right now. No, no, please leave. That could be fucking bad because what if you got to... If it's packed, listen, I took...

I took Burbank to Baltimore. It was a nightmare. Why? It's a long flight for my fat ass. Oh, Southwest, yeah. My shoulders are big, you know what I'm saying? My shoulders are big. I'm only flown Southwest on, like, hour or less fights.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Southwest is a party for two or less. After two... It's heavy. They fucking pack you in there, and I got big show. shoulders so I gotta sit there bulldog people in the front aisle like when they

come to my seat like looking at them and pick my my nose and shit there's only one chick that I'll sit in the end then I want that middle seats I can stretch out if not it's a fucking night you got an inching your ball sack you can't scratch it you got to sit there like a fucking victim I don't like that shit Lee I want to be free you know

so I get those coach express seats it's a little bigger but that ain't no fucking bigger it's just got more leg room I still got to sit next to somebody and shrug it off so I got to save my miles and trans from and I'm out of fucking miles. For a couple weeks that I was living like a doctor. I would switch up to first class.

But even on American, then I can give me electronic upgrades no more. So I've got a connection down on American. So there's somebody here from fucking American that's listening. Get your shit together. Get to the flying Jew and mad flavor. And let's get this fucking party started. It's Monday, you follow me? Oh, shit.

Great weekend. You watch the fights this weekend? No, I didn't. One of the great fight cards I've seen in a long time. The girl fight was amazing. Misha Tate. Well, I'm a tremendous fan on. I'll get that guy, Singano, fucking amazing.

Fucking first two rounds, and then Sangano took that third round and started kneeing her in the face, and here's what gets deep people. You can't write this shit out. She's a mom. Really? Oh, shit.

So now they're going to coach against each other her and round the rousy with the flying arm ball. Tremendous. And you know what's weird? Whenever you watch women fight, like the other night, let me tell you some, Misha Tate looks good. Her body was banging me on night.

That chick was fucking banging her thigh. her little feet were painted. It's a nightmare. When she fell one time, you could see it that as a man, you're like, cheer, take that top off something. It makes you erotic. It really fucking does.

It's something about it's erotic. Now, do the women cut weight as much as the men do? You know, I don't know what the weights are. I'm not really sure. I know it's 135, but I don't know if the girls are just naturally at that weight. You got to check it out, Lee. What are you asking me for?

I don't know. You're the expert. You're the expert. But there's only one league. I see. What's the weight? Like 150? I think it's 135. 135. See, now you're watching. But I heard the stoppage might have been a little bit premature. What did you think?

She got kneading the fucking head three fucking times and another one was coming. What do you think? I love her to death, but I'm happy that they stopped it. My nose is bleeding. She was all discombobbly. Her hairs were all fucked up. Who needs aggravation? The other fight with the elbows. The one against Gonzaga was kind of questionable. I think that first elbow, he clocked him. He knocked him

the fuck out with a downward elbow. Tremendous. Right to the coconut. Now, I read an article that the finale, not the, like, the big guys, but the tough finale. Tremendous. Where the guy was like, the guy who, no, no, no, but the one

before that. The Mexican against the black guy. You're right. Whatever. The one where, like, the guy was heavily favored, but he was like, you're right. So what did you think of that? Like, what do you think happened there? What do you think fucking happened? You got to see the Denver Broncos that year? When they put it against fucking. In the Redskins with Doug Williams, was it the Redskins?

I have no idea. Yeah. Okay. When Doug Williams and they just fell apart, he was like this kid. First off, I'm not taking away none from that 21-year-old Mexican kid. He's a 10th planet kid. Amazing. He was a 10-Planite kid?

Yeah, amazing. From humor, he just neutralized him. That's the word I was looking for. He neutralized him. He jumped all over him and got to him. He got to him. This shit about measuring and being intimidated. This kid said in this pre-fight interview,

I'm not scared of this guy. And he went at him and took him out of his game. Actually, he took him down to his back. He's a wrestler. He took him down to his fucking back. This goes back to the Bravo. You want to be a fighting. I went on how to fucking fight off your back.

It's not going to work. You're fucking fighting against wrestlers. This is what they've been doing since they were 12. Yeah. They've been taking people down. This is what they do. So if you think you're going to go in there, you're going to hit him with a little roulette,

kick, a little fucking tie-bow leg kick, that shit ain't gonna work. They're gonna fucking take you down. And if you see it, if you watch the fight, he's coached by, you know, Chail Sondon, who say whatever the fuck you want about Chail Sondon, he lost him. This guy, he lost to that guy. Chale Sondon will take your fucking ass down. Chale Sondon took Anderson Silver down at will. At will.

He has this linebacker, defensive back type of takedown that just takes you right to fuck down. There's nothing else to say. And it was an interesting takedown in the Misha Tate fight. She grabbed it by the fucking feet and just pushed it. Really? I've never seen nothing like that. Usually people push you with the hips and pushed you down. She fell over, grabbed her legs, and just banged it with her elbows.

It's the natural reaction. You're going to go down. Yeah. You're going to fucking go down. It was beautiful. Textbook. Oh, shit. So you're right.

You have to learn out. And Yariah wasn't attacking. He did do some attacks, but it was too little too late. The kid wasn't going down. That kid is a tremendous fucking, and I was laughing with Joe because of a Dom Rivera joke where, you know, the kid's black, but instead of saying they're black,

he says he's very athletic, and he comes from a very athletic neighborhood. You follow him? That's a brilliant joke, Dom Rivera, we were talking about on the Rogan podcast, but it's so weird how this kid, he neutralized him. A little Mexican kid came home from a single mom, and that's the other thing.

These motherfuckers from single mom homes, they're just tough. That shit started with Madonna. You know, her mother died, and left it with some Puerto Ricans and the 18 brothers were half-retarded. The one who rattled on his sister. Remember the one Madonna brother who rattled on his sister? The drug addict one?

Yeah, since he was cheap, he's fucking confused. Fuck him. Yeah. And then what do you think? Because Uriah Faber is one in a couple of fights in a row now. Your Honor. Yeah, yeah. He beat this kid last week, which that was an interesting fight.

I didn't get to watch the end. I had to go leave and do comedy. It was a great card. I was very happy. I love watching a good card. And we have another card this week, too. Is this Saturday the John Jones? Saturday is Gilbert Melendez

against the black Japanese kid, whatever, the black Korean kid. I forget what his name is. I'm a little stoned. You're a little stoned. It's fucking five to four. I'm trying to recoup my fucking losses. They're hitting me with shit to do tomorrow.

It's very weird to have the child by yourself in the daytime. It puts a lot of pressure on you. My heart goes out to mom. It's Henderson versus Melendez. Ben Henderson. That's in San Jose. Sorry about that.

Didn't Henderson just fight? A couple fucking feels like a couple weeks ago. but against Diaz was his last fight, correct? Yeah. It's weird because I won't be going to San Jose with Joe. I'll be at the Miami Comedy Festival. Oh, yeah. And it sucks.

But in the following week, I will be in motherfucking New Brunswick, New Jersey bitches, eating like a savage. Oh, cool. Nelson's, Nelson is fighting Congo. Congo, yeah, yeah. And Alan Belcher is fighting Michael Bismid. Are you kidding me or what? Oh, shit, yeah.

Who are you dealing with you? And then Miller versus Healy, Davis versus Phil Davis Why are you fucking up the words for you? I don't speak Portuguese. I'm sorry. We'll get it together. I'm going to hit a Portuguese restaurant in Newark.

Oh, you're going to get to see a female fight on, oh shit. Lee, what the fuck? You know how I put it together? And I'd be in San Jose, but I got shit to do. It's 420 on Saturday, too. So yeah, so you're in Miami. Right? In Miami, I fly back to Saturday.

I'm back home for 420. I'm staying home. mind of my business. Why you want to go out and smoke with a bunch of people? You can smoke a refit home by yourself and meditate to the fucking cosmos. I got some good music. You know me, dog.

I'm always fucking prepared. I just burped. Smells like a fucking taco. Because that's what I had. I had a nice chicken taco. Oh, I'm jealous. One chicken taco. That's all my head.

I'm trying. I'm trying. You got to try. What did you get the garlic? How long did you take a shit yet? I have. My mom got sick. She, maybe because I'm younger,

it didn't affect me as much. but I got the... Sure, you eat like a billy girl. You got a fucking good food, don't do nothing to you. No. You've been eating a fucking garbage for 10 years. But I had got a...

Because you were at McDonald's, somebody said... I haven't been to anywhere with a drive-thru yet. Don't lie to me. Somebody said, they saw you on a McDonald's sweating up the store. Eat a fucking Big Mac's sweating. No, I still have some leftovers, actually, in the fridge. It's, um...

What is it called? It's, uh... It's like the fucking... Not spare rib, but I don't remember what it's called. Does it matter? But it was fucking... But it was fucking... Delicious.

Did you eat the garlic clove with the bread? Oh, yeah, of course. I still, I have some of the other left over. Let me ask you, did you take a shit yet? One of those garlic shits? A little bit, nothing, nothing like crazy. The explosion didn't come out yet? No.

When the garlic collagulates and your asshole that stuffs up and you feel it, come out. It's like a bo-a-constricted. Jesus Christ. You just feel your little muffler expanding. It's like a big garlic ball. It's terrible. Oh, my God. Did you smell? Did you close smell bad?

No, no. I mean, maybe. I mean, I've had a lot of, um, I've had a lot of, um, I've I've had a lot of, oh, it's short ribs. I've had a lot of... What did you have? Give me the whole fucking menu here. We had it, it was called Bonacotta, whatever. It's garlic soaking in extra virgin olive oil, which is fucking...

It was good. So it's a little strong because the bread has garlic on it too. And then I had the short ribs with mashed potatoes and cream spinach. And then my mom had the chicken, and it also came with mashed potatoes and cream spinach. It was fucking delicious. But the one thing she hated, and I'm just used to it now because of LA, but it's fucking ridiculous. We went on a Sunday night. It wasn't that busy.

But of course, it's Beverly Hills, so there's still a $5 valet charge. Which is fucking Kennedy here. That made you not have dessert. What'd you have for dessert? We didn't have dessert. Don't bullshit, man. You had the garlic vanilla ice cream. I could never do garlic ice cream.

That's too much. Would you put in my fucking electronic cigarette? You're trying to trick me and shit. What do you mean? What did I put in it? But that's nice. Your mom comes out of vilege cream. visit you guys go out to leave like a doctor you took it up to the store you signed some

autographs people recognize you no no one but uh dom was there and she was very excited because she recognized dom let me ask you this you tell about this shit we have going on with a chick you tell you you're about to blow up oh no and you called me and you asked me and i had she was right there so i had to be quiet and i was like no not yet was he in the car no no no no that was you call me we're gonna tell you guys I call this motherfucker he gets it's like ah He just stopped with his tracks. Like he was like, hello. I go, what are you doing?

And he goes, huh, nothing? Just sit here, you're getting ready to go out? Whatever was a little fucking half of fag voice. That's why I know something. He's like, what's happening? I go, nothing. And he goes, no, I'm going out with my mom. And I stopped him.

I go, well, let me ask you something. Did you tell your mom by the black chick fart in your face? What did you say? I said, no, not yet. Just because, like. But in a low voice. And I thought his mom was in a car. And he was about to get back handed or something.

What would your mom say if you got a nice hot black chick? Oh, she met my black girlfriend. She doesn't mind that. No, what's going on with a black girl? She's making a comeback. You got rid of Rosie and a fucking... No, no, I didn't get rid of... I didn't get rid of anybody.

I don't get rid of anybody. Don't be bullshit me. She's the one girl who I haven't been able to get in touch with involved in your fucking piece of shit. I'm talking to you, soldier. I was nervous. What did you do with Rosie? You get rid of it? No, we're still talking on and put Skype on and bang out.

Not one, you still die, whatever. No. Tell us what the fuck. Tell us. Nothing. We're just friends. You told me that you had the Skype and you were back in the lap. No, we didn't.

She got a leg up. She showed your asshole. You got dizzy. No one's showing me any asshole. It's so fucking gross. But I was nervous because Joey had, he said, call me when you leave me dinner. Maybe we'll catch up.

And I called you. And I was like, oh, please don't say anything about the, the, in the face. But I can always tell when I call you when you're fucking stone. Oh, I was not. You sound like you're like a dad of sleep. You need to be like, no, no, no. It was like 7 o'clock.

You're like, what's up, man? When you fucking called me yesterday, I ate the same thing I ate today, one of those banged chocolate, those three drinks. Oh, fuck. With the hash in it, I was fucking gone on the Lord's Day. And I ate it. I took a nap, and I got up and ate it.

Uh-huh. And it fucking baboom. I had a salad for dinner. It just hit me with the right fucking cross. Baboon. So you called me off guard. My wife. just kissed me and something, taking the baby into sleep.

And right there, you called. It was amazing. You called her. She was shut in the door, and I'm like, but my wife, like, five was like, forget. The baby was on fire last night, so it's weird. So, but that was it. It was just she went to bed early.

But it's funny with you when you're high because I can always say, when we got off the phone because we were driving so you were on the speaker phone, she's like, I couldn't understand the mind. She's just tired. You know, when I get, I'm on the computer. I'm high. I'm typing.

Oh, yeah. Do you answer emails last? I answered emails, 80-something emails. I fucking tried to write last night. I had an email the editor guy. You know, I'm doing my emails, and I'm working. I'm in this fucking coma. And people call me sometimes, and it's so embarrassing.

I don't recognize the number without my glasses. I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. I don't recognize the voice. And they're talking to me. I go, listen, I'm stepping into something. I'll call you back. And they get off the phone for an hour. I can't figure out who the fuck they are.

And I won't call them back because I don't recognize the fucking number. I don't recognize that somebody called me. Yes, I know this fucking number, but I won't call him back. Why get involved? You following me? I don't know what the fuck it is. Why get the fucking vow? Mind your business.

Get out there, bitch. What do you got for me? What kind of music you got? What are you going to play for me? We got one more. We got a discargaraf on you. Oh, shit. That's all you got for me?

That's all we have so far. Spanish music for Uncle Joey. That's it. It's almost dope. I can't believe it's going to someone. I'm sorry. What's the fuck? I don't like this afternoon once.

Why not? Let me see you dance, Uncle Joey. This is 1971 At the Cheetah Defani All-Stars If you want to go to YouTube Check out our Latin thing This is it

I've seen this movie Every day Every day I've seen it twice That's how much of a fucking Momo I was Hit it Lee Let me see you wiggle

Forgell What did you have Polaritan chick What about it You had to go dance Let me see how you were dancing A Puerto Rican chick Wiggle

Let me see your hands Let me see it Do the Batman What's the Batman? Do the Batman. Why's doing P-signs across your face in the Batman? I didn't tell you the law of the fucking music.

No, you didn't, I'm sorry. Don't make me fucking e-cigrate you in the nose. Oh shit. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. Monday, April 15th. I hope you're fucking paid your taxes. If not, they're going to stick you in the fucking jail

with Wesley Snipes was. You have to suck a vampire's dick in there in some federal hole in the penitentiary. You know, I didn't fucking pay taxes for years, but I went clean, and now I'm up the fucking date with everything, Lisa. With the taxes, thank God. Because when you're out there banging out, they fucking want their fucking dough, and you can't blame them.

Oh, yeah, I paid it months ago. I want to fucking get paid. I go to a supermarket and get stabbed in the fucking neck. That's what I'm paying taxes for. Yeah, no, I paid months ago. When I did it, they said, oh, you could just hold off paying until April 15th. I said, fuck it now. Yeah, yeah, I'll just pay it now.

And then if you bang them out a little late, they bang you out. What's the percentage they hit you? I have no idea. Like, 94% to like America's worst wound shot, and you know what, they're going to get that money, so you might as well lay down and pay them whatever the fuck they want and get over it. What are you going to do?

Lee, I don't know. You ask me, you know, I'm trying to put the fucking pieces to go. I'm just letting people know. And that each in our block is scary. You see all the people that are getting sued now. These people are like part-time butchers, and they go to a three-day seminar, and all of a sudden they just lie to you.

Whatever, they take your Gieters. You've got a quick refund, and it's all over. Yeah. That's what I'm hearing. I don't know how fucking true it is. None of these people will ever fix my taxes. I didn't do my own taxes when I was a kid. I swear to God.

So I was about 19. And you never got audited? Never. When I was 20... What's the audit? I was 1920. I sold drugs. I did a job here, a job there.

The paperwork will come. You put it together. You write the deductions. You live at home. Bam! You got a check for 260, 270. In 1982, the motherfucker sent me two checks. State and federal?

No. Two Federals. They sent me the same amount of check twice. One on a Friday. on a Monday. But that you pay. And did he cash both? No, I still got him at home. I wrote it back to Uncle Sam. I was a faithful fucking tax payer. I cashed it within two minutes. Both of them is the same thing. A friend that had in a fucking bodega. He cashed your checks and nobody knew nothing.

Now, why didn't you just have a bank account? Because I was too fucking young. I wasn't going to put no money in the bank at 18. There was no way at 18. I didn't even think like that. You'd rather lose the 1% or something? Oh yeah. What am I going to put... What if I need money on Wednesday? And I got to stop what I'm doing and go to the bank and take it out. I didn't know where I was getting money from. It wasn't like I had a job every week. When you're out there hustling, you don't know what you're going to get. So what am I going to do?

We'll put $50 in the bank and go back three days and get it like with puppy dog bags. Now I lose the whole 50 because I got to leave 10 in there. If not, they think I'm a fucking schmo. That was one of the funniest things. The first things you said to me was, like a Jew just has to be at the bank just counting your

money all day. Like, that's the first thing you said to me. If I was in June and I had a little money, I'd be at the bank ten times a day. One hour. me out. I want to go in the back room and count my money. I can't do that. No, no, no, I do what the fuck I want. It's my money. You only pay me a little bit of percent of it. I want to go make sure my money's any. I want to see it. Physically, with my own fucking eyeballs.

I got $2,000. I want to see it every fucking day. I want to make sure it's here. You know what I'm saying? Some people don't want to do that shit. Can you imagine how fun it would be to be a Jew with a lot of money? I can just fuck with them every day. I go in there one day, take $200,000. I'll come back on the next day, deposit 175, make them count. counted in front of me.

I'd have like a fucking Chinese people to deliver lunch. To the bank? Right to the bank as they come. Take your time. They'd be counted. Put that fucking time. That's how to live.

I told you that. In the podcast, by the way, we're doing another podcast next Wednesday. Yelp for a Lig. Of course. I'm going to hear no stories. What do you mean? I have to beg you to do what we were talking about?

I'm shy. I'm just a poor boy. From a poor family. He is just a poor boy. You all depressed. I had to yell. I had to yell you for four months. We took him up there,

to smack him two times to talking, 50 times to shut the fuck up. He was talking to him. He called me up at 2 in the morning. How did I do? And he'd make him. Oh, my God. Sucker.

It's a beautiful. Get up. I love you guys on Twitter. I had a good time doing some shows with Ari. I did all those shows last week. This week I'm headed to Miami Beach. I'm going to Porta Saga to eat. I'm teaming up with Danny Bionculo down there.

Oh, shit. Oh, I'm teaming up with the old fucking crew from giving that terrorist people. this scary motherfuckers. I had a call it. Let me blow it to you how scary this crew is. This is my man Carlos. He was in a caller podcast,

and he called me like a man and said, I can't do it because I'll be fucking devoutre and information. He couldn't call this other guy fucking Nandi or Randy, whatever his fucking name is with his girlfriend. I got their families. I got, but they were all friends of mine and given that terrorist. Yeah.

No, this is how creepy against. We all were friends with the kid who drowned and the T.HC. Crystal. Anthony, right? Dominic Spichianna. We're all friends with him. I mean, I'm talking about Gumbas. This guy was our buddy.

Guess who's showing up Friday night to the early show? Who? The fucking sister and the mother. Oh, shit. The mother, you ought to be having a conversation. So I was thinking about my Domenico and she'll still go in the purse

and take out a rap picture of Domenico from the eighth grade and all his football pictures and shit. So I called the head last week, and I said, guys, listen, before you get excited doing eight balls and quailudes and gorilla biscuits and shooting heroin.

Remember who's going to be there? Because this is going to set you back. It sets you back when you're straight. I can't imagine being on blow with her taking out a picture of a kid that you're the same age, that you guys grew up together. He died and he, you are 35 years fucking later.

And at the way, you might say to yourself, what have I done with my fuck? Because that's what I feel when I see that? Yeah. Whenever I see Vita and the mother, I always said to myself, what have I fucking done lately to prove that I justified this?

Because they lost their fucking son at 15, 16. He fucking drowned. on gorilla biscuits. And it happens and it's very fucking sad. And so they're going to come so I let these motherfuckers

noise. I said, listen, do not, do not do anything until after with Danny B's in the show up. My main man from the show he's coming down with Tendanahy, the ref.

Oh, yeah, we ain't fucking around no more. We all bring the cameras so we can do a Matt Flavors world. It's going to be real. Friday night is going down. Eight o'clock. I'm going to Jersey.

Then the following week, I'm going to Austin, Texas. Then the following week, I'm going to Arizona, the Scots are the fucking place. Whatever the fuck of it, stand up live. Then the following week we're going back to Long Island and shit like the Ramones or whatever the fuck is from there. Jerry Seinfeld, somebody.

And that's how we're doing it. But if West Palm, Coconut fucking Beach, wherever you're at, Steve Mock, whatever the fuck you're doing, come on down, friend, let's get down. Reef is getting shipped in by the fucking hours. We speak. Tracy Morgan will be there.

that night and the other side of the building so if you want to go see him instead of me I love you to death it's my brother Tracy Mondeley well fuck at least you're getting out of the house and supporting life comedy and just fucking laughing for once instead of sitting there like a fucking me's it I'm looking out the window wishing of what

you could have had how fucking I am I Jesus Christ I feel like scratching my nuts I don't have the energy I gotta go to kickboxing fight me and my wife got to do something for dinner I forgot to tell Juan Lickickickick chicken it's fucked up I can't begin this highly You're going to control me.

Why are you this afternoon? So I want to hear your story for the week. So you're working tonight. Yeah. Then that's it. You're back. Then we're doing... We, we're doing...

We're going to get a font mouse in your pocket. What are we doing? I'm going to see you perform at the benefit for... Oh, okay. I'm out there Tuesday night. You're coming? Yeah, and then Wednesday, are you leaving Wednesday or Thursday?

I think I'm leaving Thursday. Okay, I'm... Tuesday afternoon. I'm leaving Wednesday after the podcast. I'm going. and seeing if I can be a professional gambler. How much money are you taking much? I don't know.

Not much. Don't bold. Look at he's over Jew. I don't know. Not much. What's with the question? I don't know. How much is, I don't know that much?

I don't know. Like maybe 500 to see. Five hundred. What? This fucking guy. There you go. This guy's going to be selling blood. By Saturday, this fucking guy.

You think he juxted the loss weight? Wait until they start dripping his fucking. What's wrong with 500? Because you've got to get it together. 500. You've got to get it fucking together, dog. What do you want to do? I'm doing like 5Gs. You got a flash. You're going to get yourself a Filipino woman. You got a suit?

They're going to walk around with the fucking East St. Laurent's shirt like me. I'm taking Southwest and I'm staying at the cheapest hotel. Don't say what the fuck you're staying, but you're going to go get a tuxedo tonight. I want you looking sharp. You're representing the church. What are we going to do? We're a tuxedo in the blackjack table? Fuck like James Bond like a motherfucker. You're not just some fucking putt's jubes.

You're the flying fucking Jew. You got credentials. You've been to Israel. You threw rocks. You know what I really want to do? What? When I was up at the end of my last trip. What's your plan?

What's the plan? What's the plan? What's the first thing you're going to bet on when you get there Wednesday? What's your plan? You got $500 fucking measly dollars. You better go under that mattress, cucketucker. You better get something.

I know your mom left you three or four hundred. She always. Don't fucking lie on me. You're talking to me. She loves you like that. She does love me. I know she gave you a check at the end. She goes, this is just a little something for you.

You looked at it. It's a nickel. Don't lie to me. We're family. No, no, no, no, no. I know you fucking. But no, I'm not good at sports betting. Maybe I'll call Danny me up. I'm going to go straight.

I'm going to spend hours at the blackjack. For some reason, I do better really after midnight. You'll put moose in your hair? In what hair? I have like three hair. I'm telling you, you got to buff the front. Moose to the side. You look sharp like James Bond.

You sit down over with these bitches. You talk. What's going on? What's going on? Well, I'm going to get that, like, one, go to the sports bet. I like, for some reason, I'm very lucky the Venetian. So I'm not staying there. But I'm going to walk over to the Venetian.

I'm going to go. I have a buddy who I met the last time I was there who does this for a living. I'm going to go to the sports bet. Maybe see if I can get a couple things going. But I do really great after midnight. So after midnight, I'm going to go and spend all night in the last night. You're like Julius Priest, they need to. Absolutely.

I don't know what that means. Oh, okay. but yeah I'm gonna go and see so how you fucking drop you're fucking a eating cigarette but yeah I just want to see if I can if I can make money gambling I'm with you I want you to fucking make money

I want you to get a steak I want you to call me Saturday and go Joey I'm up 4,400 but I got a chick rubbing my feet right now she's picking the toe jam from in between my feet and I'm eating a fucking steak she's rolling it into a ball and I'm taking it home to go I realize we become too close

because I can't jack out I can't do anything when my mom's here so I was doing it when she left and the porn I was watching they zoomed in on her feet and they were dirty feet and all I can think about was like Joey Diaz hates dirty feet

and in porn they were browned on it was the bottom of the feet and the heel No I had to turn it off Did you take it to the limit Anytime I can't think about you saying that shit I'd have to turn it off and go hell

I just say it. Yeah. So they stop. What were you on U-Porn? X videos, I think. What's dirty? X or U-Porn? I think they're all the same.

Are they filthy fucking tapes? Yeah. You know, it's funny because sometimes you're on YouTube, and you go to U-P, the whole thing pops up. Yeah. And you look at the first six videos

and they're disgot. You don't have to watch them. Just the propaganda they have for them, like the chick with a mount open, getting re-it. It's just disgusting. I don't want to fucking see that. When you were, like, 20 or something,

or I don't know. Did you ever film yourself with a girl? Are you fucking crazy, Lee? It's disgusting. You never did that? You never had it in the corner? No, look at me. Do you want to see a tape of me?

Fuck him? My face open. I don't, but I think you might. No, I don't want to fucking sad. Dog, I don't want to see me with clothes on. Where you've been for the last three fucking years? I don't want to see me. I don't want to hear my fucking voice.

I don't want to do nothing. Can you imagine looking at yourself naked? What are you looking at? I can never even dream that. I can never even dream a fucking somebody. on tape and taking the tape home with you and them saying to you, you know, saved that and then like a year later like it

mysteriously, what are they leaked? Yeah. How the fuck does your porno leak if you're fucking, you know, Pamela Anderson? What the, what did you have on the coffee table, you dumb bitch? How do fuck that? You put that under the fucking couch, under an envelope, under the fucking, you put that under the structure

of your building. If you're, or you sucking some fucking bowl in your mouth. That's filthy. That's disgusting. So we're never going to see a Joey Diaz sex, no. Who wants this wrinkle, fucking uncircumcised, human talk? Who needs this shit in their fucking pussy hole? I don't last. I'm like two minutes. This movie, what are you?

I'm like a warm-up to somebody good. Like, if I would come on, I'd be like the opening. I'd do like two minutes in calm, and they put the camera on me, and they put, like, oxygen in my face. They show me fingering and coming. Because once I stick my finger in your ass, I'm coming. That's how fucking sensitive I'm to that shit anymore. You follow me?

What do you want me to tell you? I'm a good piece of ass. Stopping Lee. No, what I thought one of those girls in Miami would have, like, 20 years ago, would have broken out of camera or something? Stopping Lee. I've had thoughts.

I had the bloggy one night. Some chick was taking a close off. And I thought about, right at the comedy club, right? Like outside the comedy club? Yeah. Some fucking chick was taking, I don't know where the fuck this was. And I had the bloggy in my pocket and somebody who was in the outside smoking pot said taper.

Yeah. And I thought about tape. And I said, you know what? As I put my camera up, I said, no, because she's going to wake up in the morning. Yeah. I'm going to get a fucking call. I'm going to be on YouTube, and I'm going to get a fucking call from YouTube. That's some chick watching her take down a video of her.

You know, because you can't let tit down. They'll take it out by themselves. But whatever she leaves, like, ass, don't let you run around with ass. You can push the envelope. I mean, I'm not going to show the chick on her back masturbate on a fucking Ford truck. I'm not going to show that. But, you know, you could see her, whatever. I don't need that.

that shit. Those chicks, if you want, there comes a time when you're young and you attack those women because they're like fucking deer, but there comes a time you look at those chicks and go, that's fucking potential trouble. That's what that chick's in the morning and realize she blew three dudes and she woke up on your couch and it's a complete different story. You got to answer somebody. The boyfriend's looking for her. Oh, yeah. You know, she blacked out. She looks at a cell phone, a pager, that she got 19 missed calls. Now the boyfriend wants to know where the fuck she's at. She hangs up with them. Then she takes a cab to a different spot.

Why is it? You don't need that. She's at the end of the morning. Now you've got to sit there thinking that, think about it. You pick your girlfriend up at 2 in the afternoon, and she smells like a foreign substance, and the neck is all greasy. You're going to say, where were you to take me?

I'm going to stab you. And next thing you are, here you are watching Sunday football, and you've got to answer this fucking gorilla because he can't control his fucking woman. You follow me? So sometimes you see it. You see it unfolding in front of you. Trust me.

You did tell me one of the, I don't think I was. even going to Vegas, but you told me your theory on it, you're like, I go to bed, I used to go to bed at like 9 or 10, and then I wake up at 5 and catch this stragglers coming in. That's the only way. Ugly dudes, we're not going to compete. Those are 20-year-old

guys with jeans, with pockets in them, they've got tight shirts. I don't need that kind of aggravation. You go to bed early, you got up like at 5, and you go to that one club. If you're a fucking pervert, you go to that one place in Las Vegas. What's that one place? Experiment right now? No, that's a disgust

Oville. You go to the other fucking place. the fucking cheap hotel where young kids hang out. The Pearl, the Palm. If you really want to attack some good fucking old American-style young pussy, you go to the Palm,

you get some fucking, you go downstairs about 4.30, you get some oatmeal. You just set the fucking oatmeal thing, sit the press like James Dean. Just sit like that. Give it about 15, 20 minutes. Some poor victim

will come up to you and start talking to you, whatever. You don't even need blow. Just give her some aspirin back up in the room. I'm telling you, it's fucking crazy. because nobody expects that. You're out there banging out with fucking 20-year-olds, Lee. We can't compete. I'm not handsome like I used to be.

You know what I'm saying? I'm like, Elvis, no more. I've never eaten chocolate. No more fucking afternoon podcast, Lee. All right. I get too high in the daytime. Like you're not high in the morning. No, but at least I'm half cohesive.

Right now, I'm falling fucking apart right now. You're following me? At least in the mornings, you know, I've been there. I'm only high for an hour or so. I've been high for fucking... I've been high. and sick. No, I didn't get high this morning. I got high as soon as fucking water came.

As soon as I got out that fucking door before I even hit the car. What happened? Nothing. What's wrong with you? Why is the phone? Your phone has been ringing for three hours. I get one text. Who the fuck calls me? Nobody calls me, Joey? I don't know. You got all your bitches calling him. I got no bitches, dog. So anyway, what else is going on? Tell me what? So you're leaving Wednesday? What's your plan? How much are we coming back with?

You're leaving with 500? it's 300 for the plane hold on let me get the fucking if we're going to work this day you got the accountant's fucking let me give us some shoutouts my main man Andrew McKay aka Andy Boar

fucking Chester held three Charlie B no no this fucking guy Andy Boerhal Andrew McKay from Canada sent me a picture of Charles fucking Bronson I forgot to bring it up here that is fucking amazing

him and Mike Mosey Maxwell did fucking pictures of the man. And it's different how Mike Maxwell drew it and how this kid drew it. But I want to give him a shout out. This kid's a fucking savage. Andrew McKay, I love you, cocksucker. Andrew Borhal. I love this guy. Kevin DeVarro.

My man from pre-med, you know what I'm saying? Self-help books. All that shit. Paulie DeG. Matt Seabert and my man, Jane, from Amsterdam, you sexy bitch. I'll see you soon. When I get my past, I'll come over there and fucking tickle your

feet with a feather. Stick a finger up your a-hole and shit. I remember one thing I hate these fucking glasses because then people are going to say, look at Joey Fronton and shit. I ain't fronting, bitch. I'm going blind. They've got to start eating carrots. I got to produce. I got juice. I got juice. No, no. It's a fucking expression. All right. Don't get carried away.

I'll make you carriage use it two seconds. No, no, please. I'll fucking stab me in the heart. I'll make you listen to Tom. Waits backwards. Yeah. Anyway. So, anyway, it's $300 for the flight, the hotel, and the shuttle. Two and from the airport. I got 300 in there. So I'd like to come back.

And you've got 500 in your pocket. Well, that's just what I'm willing to lose. So how many days are you going to be there? All right. So this is the June I am. I got a hotel room for Wednesday and Thursday. All right. And my flight's not until 8 a.m. Saturday morning. So I'm just going to play all Friday, all Friday night, and take it like a 5 a.m. shuttle to the airport Saturday morning.

And your balls are going to swing. Your assholes are going to smell like fucking... I'm going to come back with $2,000, though. two grand that's your goal so 800 investment you're going to come back to two grand for three days I'd like to I'd like to come back with a grand it's not what you liked it

you're going to come back with five grand you get 10% that's 10% all then I got to do paperwork on you that's not a 10% so what's uh that's yeah I'll take the care of Vegas once you come back we'll take care of it

why why do you get 10% of this because who the fuck you think you deal with, some fucking novice. You're over there making money, having a good time. If you're getting 10%, I should be staying at the Venetian. I should be taking a limo to the place. All you have to do is ass. You say, I want to stay in the Venetian. We'll make a few calls.

Next to you know, you're the Venetian eating Italian food. Sing an Italian soul. It's Pavarotti. You look like Pavarotti's nephew. Tell me a Pavarati's nephew. What is the fuck? Lee, boom, boom, boom, say I wish you all the luck in the world. I wish you to become a fucking professional

gambling and make $250 a year. I'm trying. And then I'm in for seven points. Then you're in for seven. I'd take it easy. That's what I want to do. I would love to go to do the, I'd love to be in L.A. from Monday to Wednesday, do the podcast with you,

and spend two or three days a week in Vegas and do the podcast here. What are you going to do with Rosie? You're going to break the heart and dump if you move to Vegas. I'm not moving anywhere. Why would you become a big shot in Vegas? You're hanging out with De Niro and fucking Pacino, drinking cocktails, doing casino all over again. What happens?

You're going to dump Rosie. You're going to forget about your Gumbah. No, I just said I wanted to be here half the week. I thought you want to have kids or Rosie and have a family jump up and down. Stop scratching your ass, you filthy motherfucker. You were sitting for one hour. You know what your asshole smells? Like you want to sit in Vegas? You want to smell it?

No. But you want to sit in Vegas for 24 hours or rotten ass. What happens if you got to take a shit? Then you got to sit there. No, they have bathrooms everywhere. So that's it. What are you going to do with that little crud that sits in your muffler? There's no crud. I wipe. What are you talking about?

You say awful things. But do you not wipe? You leave a little bit for later? No, it's going to. You never just wipe and they just go sit for an hour and you get an itchy ass. Occasionally, but it's not every time. Now you're going to go on a road, but you're going to get a case of itchy ass.

You have to fucking sit there and sweat it out until the it goes away. Like fucking Jesus. You don't know what I'm saying? You don't need that aggravation. You get a room, she'd go upstairs and relax. I'm not paying the rate for the Friday nights. For the two nights, it's $50 because I'm sitting at a shitty hotel on the strip. But it went up to like a...

$50? bucks so go for another 50 you're going to win how much I'm trying to get come you're going to win you're going to win you're going to win you're going to win you're going to come in a thousand I don't care if you got to mug somebody you're coming home with five times I'm going to be here

that's not winning I'm going to be you still came home with money at the end of the week that's all that's true all right you know I'm going to be here Monday at 545 I want to see five grand stacked up you just count them like Joe help yourself you know what I'm saying you're going to count a little load on

I want you to be positive You're going to go, you're going to go fucking Thursday. You're not going to sleep through. You're going to bang it out Thursday on your luck. Like a late NBA game during the playoffs now. Take a look what's going on. Don't count on it. You've got baseball too and it's early.

Some of these pitches a week. Take a look. Lee, I don't know about this, but I know you do. Maybe I'll give Danny Bee a call. And I know you're smart. Forget Danny Bee. You have a good feeling. Just no trifectors, no parlets.

You're going to go one move at a time, baboon. One move at a time. Boom. One move at a time. And then after you get two under your belt, you're going to bet low because you'll probably lose but you're going to know the fucking odds against you

and you're going to feel it and you're going to lay 500 on it and at the same time you're going to be racking up fucking 5,000, you're going to be blondes all over you and they don't know your Lee Syedat, the director from Israel but you go with these fucking Monko shirts and shit you're going to get a tuxedo Lee but right now we'll go right to this one will get you a nice with ruffles with like Sinatra they wouldn't know who the

fuck you are after I lose the rest of the weight speaking we're starting May 1st I'm going to that Hollywood Tud outlet I'm going to get the 3 suits for the 300 and three suits no no Lee you're a class act what you need a fucking tailor look at you got a physique you look at you're like a savage you're like an Olympic lifter

I do shit together you need like a fucking tailor to sit there what I'm going to walk around just walk around with a tuxedo? Listen if you get a tuxedo with me I'm not a young fucking guy but you have a tuxedo listen James Bond always had a tuxedo ever see him go wrong think of how much action and how much

money you would win just to wear a tuxedo in Vegas this weekend. Put your leg up, make believe you smoke on like a cigarette, make an electric cigarette, raw a cigar around it. And you use your mind. You want to be big, you think big, my friend. Just trying to help you out of you. I don't know about that. I'm sorry. But I'm happy you have a plan.

I'm trying. Because, I mean, I'm sick of going to these jobs, to be honest. So we'll see what happens. Do you see what's transforming in front of you, ladies and gentlemen? He came in here. He was acting like Asians. Remember Adrian from Rocky? He was all retarded. E! E! Ye, yeah. That's a Lee in the beginning. Now he's going to Vegas. He's banging out dough.

He got new sneakers. He's juicing. He threw the roommate out. He's a fucking savage. That's what happens when you become part of the church and what's happened now. Movement. Movement in your life.

You keep evolving. You get up in the morning. You wash your pussy except this filthy fuck. He wants to sit at the black tank table with his ass fermenting like a tomato. You don't need that shit. What for one day? For the extra.

No, I'm not going to... No, it's on the extra 50. No, it's on the property. Listen to me. I want you to relax. The whole thing about gambling is I don't want you to feel any anxiety. I don't want you to race against the clock. I don't want you to

gamble because you're tired. Always remember that. Gambling is in the fucking mind. The reason why that Mexican kid beat that black kid that he wasn't better than him, he wasn't better than me. He was just more fucking prepared. And in his mind, he goes, I'm not scared of nobody. I'm going there and fucking take him.

He probably saw the fight in his fucking head. Something I definitely don't do and something you don't probably do, but he saw it. You're a fucking smart guy. I try. Don't cut your short for saving 50 bucks if I can make an extra 500 you just make it four 50 if I have a good first couple days maybe I'll get a hotel Friday you're gonna do great that Friday you bang out a few fucking games and Saturday you get a shrimp cocktail it's gonna cost you to change your

flight on Southwest and I know you because you got the Jew flight the $69 each way which means they're banging out for 800 when you call so you're gonna have to leave Friday morning anyway you're gonna have to win big big so it's gonna cost you 150 just this day maybe 200 okay All right, so you got to have to hit them for five grand. So you've got to come home with seven grand. Not seven? You got to come up with seven fucking grand.

You're going to be five grand on the table there because you've got to cover the fucking... Pretty soon it's going to be a hundred. You're going to come back with a hundred grand. You're going to come back with the Bentley. Why are you tortured, Billy? I'm torturing you. Where's that sound guy that ended up? Don't forget this weekend.

I'm going to be in Miami rocking the motherfucking house with you cock suckers. Friday at 8 o'clock. Go to South Beach Comedy Festival. Get your tickets now. I appreciate all the love I've been getting lat lately from the next. and all you guys looking out, which is the most fucking important thing every day. I got Lee Siazziata,

and busting out some music. I love you guys with all my heart. See you Wednesday. Unless you got to drive somebody to the airport this week, cuck, sucker. Two times. In the fucking eight months we're doing it. Two times. You go to Tennessee.

You got all these things. No, you're not. Lee, I'll fucking stab you at this. And I'm here. I'm here. It's two times I've had to move it. Nine hours. later.

Nine hours later. We could have done it at 7, but I don't want to get out. People are up now. Fucks up the metabolism. People are up now. Big shout out. Dead Squad, Harlem. Death Squad organizations all over the country from Minneapolis to Nashville. Stop rubbing your head, talk.

So you get through it. It's up a joint. We got to go to work. But fucking Wednesday at 6. Get ready to eat an edible. We're giving you a cheap. I can't eat an edible. Why before I get on the plane?

You're fucking. What? Tell me why you can't eat another? Because I got to drive to the airport. Who gives a fuck? That's the best thing. The last time you gave me an edible and I had to drive, I showed up an hour and a half early because I was nervous about driving. Well, at least you'll be on time

for your flight. You get the early checking on your flight southwest? Fuck that. For the extra $12.50, you pick you on. It's a Burbank. Why am I going to... You don't get the early checking. You don't get the early checking. When you're going to get C-94, you can get stuck in the middle with two people around you, and you have to smell this guy who

brought on a cheeseburger, and this guy smells like salami. It's an hour of flight. I'll bring on a cheeseburger to combat it. I got to teach this fucking kid. I'm a Jew. I'm not going to pay 20 bucks to get on early. 12, 50 and you get on there like a doctor. Remember the same. Why run down there and fuck one of them

when you can walk on and fuck them all. Who am I fucking? Nobody, but you're living like a doctor. That's what I'm fucking my point is. This is the point of the story. You all right? I'll try. I love you.

Have a great fucking week. Thank you for checking in with a little bots today, fucking guy. Because if we're both high, we can make this work. I love you guys. Play some music. What do you got? You got that.

You said, Tomp. All right, let's do this shit. All right. Joey Diaz.com. Don't forget about me. But actually direct.