The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 04/17/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #72

Episode Date: April 17, 2013

Dan Callandrillo, childhood friend of Joey's and basketball star/coach calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. Streamed live on 04/17/2013

In any country, prison is where society sends its failures. But in this country, society itself is failing. Oh, oh, oh shit. It's that motherfucking time. April 17th, a beautiful Wednesday morning to get your shit together. It all starts today. Wash your pussy. Eat some oatmeal.

Do some jumping jacks. Wash your dick. Make sure your assholes clean. Get out there. Get out there. Hit it leave. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Oh shit. I'm on fire. And you wonder why I put that little mat below your chair? You're fucking 18 burns on my rug already. This fucking, uh-huh. Fucking joint here was killing me. Let's do this one here. What's happening, beautiful people?

18-5-89's the number. Another summer. Police ain't getting no dumber. What are you fucking kidding me or what? All right, Lee. Look at Lee. Oh, shit. Wiglin before I even asked them to.

It's all brand new. Damn. Beautiful day to be alive here. The Churchill was happening now. Thank you very much for joining us. If you came out the flappers last night for the fucking benefit, it was a blast. It really fucked. It was awesome. That was a great...

The one thing I don't like about it, I like, because I love comedy. It's a lot of you guys who are great, don't do shows here. And if you do, it's 15 minutes and it's unannounced. Like, there's very few hours here. But the show last night was like six or seven, 20-minute sets had a great comic.

So that's what you've got to do when you live here. Let's go to those shows. We had a fucking great time last time. I'm happy they put it together. I'm happy it all worked out for Christine and whatever. They got a fucking bum dog. They brought it home. It was fucked up.

I was thinking about it yesterday. Who brings home a bum fucking dog? You know? It happens sometimes. But at least they made the effort. It was a nice turn-out. If you came out, God bless you. You know, I don't know how much the tickets were.

Fucking food, I was just telling Lee and Flappers. Listen, these motherfuckers ain't fucking around. They don't give a fuck about what. Weight Watches, Palayo, Balayo. They don't give a fuck in there. Yeah, you were saying they were like grilled teas and bacon. I didn't eat. I just watched this shell, so I didn't eat.

I just had a little piece. They make little sliders of bacon, cheese, burgers, chicken. They had like a little tray out. Okay. And they had wings. I'm getting sick and fucking tired of people out here making wings. That's why I went on that rant at them.

Sick and tie. At least flappers does use real blue cheese. They finally got hit. When they opened up, they had this blue cheese garlic mix that was a stone is fucking paradise. A stone is fucking paradise. But it all worked out. You want to know? Sure, but I got one.

I have a question for you before I go. What? I know they're not buffalo wings, but they had things in Boston called like chicken drummies, and they're kind of breaded. And it's not like the regular wings, but it's like kind of spicy, kind of breaded, fried wings. Do you like those two or no? Yeah, whatever. You know, if we're going to make buffalo.

low wings let's get down. You know what I'm saying? Look at Lee with his Emerson shirt today. Ralph Waldo. I'm going to stop burning shit, Lee. Fucking security deposit. You're going to get me up the ass over here, these cocks seconds. What are he blowing up?

You? What do you blow him smoking? My security deposit? What do you blow a smoke on my face? Well, anyway, if you came to flappers last night, it was a great time. And you probably saw one of the highest Joey Diaz as you've ever seen. Oh, shit.

Fucking Lee would need an edible on the way over there. In fact, I got the body of Christ today. The Cheba fucking chew. Fuck you. I don't care what anyone says on Twitter. The edibles he has are not edibles you eat ever. What do you do with these? What are you giving to the dead bodies?

No. People usually split them up once a year for like the biggest high they've ever had. This is a double dose. This is nothing. No, the fuck you double dose. You got so high. You were rubbing my head if you loved the show last night. I'd rub you a little juet.

Good luck. I'm going to track today. I want to make sure I got everything I go. I haven't laughed so hard ever. You know, it's funny that I was telling you guys that I'm pretty much alone out here. No, I'm not. I got late. Lee cracked

me the fuck up. It's like having loops out here, my dear, dear friend loops. It's the same way. It's always a story. It's always a... Yes, I call them a... Lee, sorry, I woke you up. I'm not sleeping.

No, no, no. That was somebody else fucking snoring, Lee. Cockerick. Fuck you. He fucking sleeps all day. I get home with five in the morning from work. Then he wouldn't eat the other than that. You should have him, no. You're going to eat one.

Fuck you. You have nothing to do. I got to get on a flight in an hour. That's even better. You ever get on a plane fucking high on an edible? Not that high. The last time we ate this, we had a meeting. I got there 45 minutes early because I drove 20 minutes, 20 miles an hour the entire way there.

Fuck you that. But you're going to do half of that. We're going to do a third. How's that? A third. Just a little thing. Last night I gave a little fucking Milky Way piece. Like a little tiny bit.

Oh, he was guys. He was, I even threatened to throw him out of the car, kick him out of the car. And fucking Glendale. Kick me out of the car. Behind this Armenian body shovel. I don't walk home. You should have seen how high he was. He couldn't, like, his eyes were, like, not even open as he was driving home.

Don't fucking believe. He fucking got on stage. And it was fucking hilarious. But the highest I've ever seen him. And he was rubbing my head. Listen, don't let me explain to you. These are the church. These people are come out to the Rogan people.

The church of what's happening. now people. They expect a certain fucking type of behavior. Okay? They can fucking go all out. Half the people in that room were on edibles. That's why they went for the fucking ride last night. You're the only MOOC that was sitting there like a fucking orphan in the back of the bus.

They weren't on that edible. I'm opening this up. It's the body of Christ. Yeah, fuck yeah, I'm Jewish. And I'm going to give you a little piece. That's even more fucking the right to do it. You think there's a Jew in America that would turn down if I went to Israel right now and I said, I got a two-strength edible. They'd stop growing rocks. No, they haven't worked with you for two

years and even have been given an edible by you that made them puke. Bro, you puke that fucking morning because you don't put nothing in your breakfast in your tummy. I tell you, I call you up and I go put something in your fucking tummy like Captain Crunch or something. I don't give a fuck what it is because he eats this shit fucking straight with Coca-Cola and water like papillon on the fucking island. You can't do that shit. You got to prepare yourself.

You got to eat a fruit. Maybe a little fuck. No cheese because the cheese holds down to the fucking edible. Oh, great. I ate pound of cheese this morning, man. Perfect. Let's fucking eat an edible. Making a beautiful dead and be alive.

Also, I got a couple emails about us doing a podcast on Monday. Listen, when there's a tragedy or a bad situation, what do you want to do? Sit around and fucking talk about like ABC News and make you feel worse about it and make you feel where you're at. My job, Lee's job, our job is to have a fucking good time. It's very tough to have a good time under a tragedy or something situation, but you try. just because somebody dies and your family or whatever they don't mean you stop dying number two people make comments to me

about Joey how can you say that that you know when you go out listen one thing about me is I know how fast your life could change your life lead could change in a matter of fucking seconds you know you can be at a bar having a beer the guy next year pulls a fucking gun out

it's that fucking easy next thing you got shot with a fucking leg and you can't walk for a fucking year because you had a stupid fucking ball. I seen it happen. Yeah. You know, when I was 15, I had the world by the balls. I mean, I still got the motherfucking world by the balls at 50, but when

you're 15, a little fucking protein fart there for the masses. I'm going to throw that chair away. Oh, that's a good one, because it came right out. It bounced off the chair and came right in between the microphone. Right now, smell your speakers. You can probably

smell it. It's coming through. What was I talking about? Oh. About stuff. Life changes, man. Life fucking changes in a minute. Within a fucking minute. Within a minute. That's why you got to hug people.

That's where you got to be nice to be because you never know when they're going to get a car, get on a fucking one-on-one, and get hit by a fucking truck. And I don't mean that in a bad way. It could happen. It could happen. You know, I was right there when I came home

and found my mother dead on the fucking floor. And your life changes forever. So please, excuse my comments. What I was saying was, every time I go to a big event, you got to sit there and go to yourself. Is somebody in here going to pick up and fucking get a gun and shoot us

or is somebody going to put a fucking bomber? And, you know, it's like you always think that's not going to happen to me. Yeah. Because in the back of our minds when we go out, and that's a positive way to fucking think. I think the same way. But the reality of it is

it could happen to you. And then today it can happen to you in a fucking supermarket. Yeah. You know, there's times I go to fucking supermarket. I look at the price of fucking shrimp or something like that. I'm about to shoot some fucking body. You know what I'm saying? I look at the price of the shit they're banging you out for, plane tickets. You know, it's a no-end

situation. And for some people, it's just getting squeezed like that movie with Michael Douglas, when he lost it and hit the people with the bat, remember years ago? No. The one about L.A. You never seen that movie? He was stuck in L.A. traffic, and he just left his car on the tent. No, really? And on the way home, they tried to mug him and he beats up the drug

dealer. It's called, uh, who the fuck knows? Breaking loose or fucking losing it or something like that. What the fuck do you watch? What do you fucking watch all your life? Bad fucking movies? Well, for the first fucking 15 years of it, yeah. Not everyone can go see the fucking Godfather when you're 10

and then do a hit of THC. What's the difference? What the fuck you've been? What's Michael Douglas' movie? I'm looking for it. Hold on. It's 94, 93, 92. Is it falling down?

Falling fucking down. Where he lives in L.A. He's a nerdy fucking do, and he snaps because it's true. People can fucking snap anywhere. And they can get pushed over. the edge at the library, they get pushed over the edge at Rouse, they get pushed. Who would have fucking thought the Boston Marathon? Who would have a fucking thought?

No. Nobody. So people, just keep your eyes out, know that everything could change and just be the best that you fucking can be. That's fucking it. Plain and simple. That's what I meant to say. Sometimes I'm high.

Where's that fucking edible league? I don't know. You fucking have it. Jesus Christ. But, no, it's been crazy. So, uh... It's crazy weekend. My heart goes out for the people in Boston.

They're tougher than this. And they all know, you know, this motherfucker, the people that are doing this, whatever. Life goes on, man. There's always a bad fucking bunch of fucking douchebags involved. And this is what happens. You know, sneaky motherfuckers, for the love of what? To kill an eight-year-old boy. I mean, what the fuck are we going down to?

But you just have to be alert, love your people every day because everything can change in a drop of a fucking hat. That's what I'm talking about? Wait, what the fuck are we talking about here? A little back to the hotel. Lee, I want to say you wiggle. I want to see you do something, Lee, Cocksucker. Get up, bitches. April 17th.

If you're in Miami, we're coming down Friday fucking night to Phil Mortyne. I got two shows. They just added the 10.30 shows. Donahee's coming down with Danny Bianculo. I got my friends from...

It's going to be a walking testicle testament that night. So fucking come on down. Here you go, Cocksuckers. Get that old meal out. What? What? Oh shit. Should we spark another one late?

Sure why not. You can't walk on one leg, brother. It's Wednesday. Oh, shit. You want it on this lately? I'm sure, why not? It's tremendous. I took leave a weed store before the fucking show last night.

We went over. Which one did we go to that? No, C.C. No-no-ho organic. No-ho organic. Tremendous. They got the no-ho PR. Fucking amazing, guys.

Fucking amazing. Go to the no-ho organic. Sign up there. They got half-eighths for $20 fucking dollars. Half-eighthats for $20 fucking dollars. No whole organic, divine wellness on Lancashim, you can't go fucking wrong. You people, where do you get your edibles from? For no whole organic, I get these for 10 bucks apiece.

At no whole organic and their double strength. At divine wellness, they got the four fucking strength, the ones that help you see Jesus or Satan, whichever one you fucking buy. If you buy the black one, you see Satan. If you buy the white one, you see Jesus. Oh, you gave me the black one last time, didn't you? Fuck yeah. That's why you see the devil.

And guess what, bitch? you're going to see a devil again today if you're going to go to Las Vegas anyway No but John in Las Vegas Anyway what the fuck you get me talking about But yeah you walked out of there Like it was like a grocery bag Like normal people get from the fucking

Like for food You had like 18 things in there You're like did this guy give him my 8th? Oh yeah he gave me my 8th I go in there and get $30, $40 They give me 25 fucking things They give me two joints A couple of edibles a chocolate bar

You know these people good people Jay the guy that runs that place Got another one in Woodland Hills They're fucking good people. You know, I build a bomb with my fucking at the refus stores. I go there's a lot of mutts out there. They got no loyalty. And they go to all these places looking for a free pipe.

Who's going to give me an extra tent? I'd rather build the fucking relationship with the guy and have no beeps. I got a great relationship. How fast was I in another? 30 seconds. 30 seconds. They see me fucking in the light and they just start putting the best shit in their shovels of fucking ear. I was just laughing because you have the most regimented schedule I've ever seen.

Every day you go, it's weed store, comedy club, 7-E-11 for hot chocolate, and a fucking e-cigarette, and you're back home. I don't fuck around. Listen, it's so funny. I was thinking about Anthony Hopkins. What's that guy's name, Anthony Robbins? You ever go to an Anthony Robinson seminar? No. You know, I remember being, I'm working at a car dealership, and they wanted to maximize potential when I was in college.

So I went to two years in a row. I went to those Anthony Robbins when you walk on coals and you jump and up and down. I didn't do it It paid me to do it So I went for a few days I smoked some pot You know I go down there and talk to the people And you learn some positive things

And I thought it was all bullshit But he had a couple things that he did You know It really really I understand But me I don't believe in Self-help books or self-help gurus You know

We live in the times It's iPhone I fucking know the answer To how I can get better We just don't want to accept it You know what I'm saying So I used to go to all You didn't know that Lee?

You didn't know I was one of those fucking nerds? You never said that. Yeah, I wanted to be... Everybody's looking to get better, the better than fucking selves, especially when you're 21, 22. That was right before that. In fact, I went to that last Anthony Robbins. I went to, I kidnapped Vela the month afterward.

Jesus. So he put me on point to kidnap fucking Vela. That's why I looked at it. So I could have gone out to court and said Anthony Robbins made me do it. But I got more balls than that because I claimed responsibility. Let's get it in the fucking air before... I don't like coming on this podcast. especially in the morning and getting fired up in a weird way.

The reason why I do the fucking podcast with Lee is to play some music and get high and talk about the goodness and the fucking day and how you're going to go out there and make it happen for yourself. I'm serious. Me and Lee do it. Like Lee just said, as unregimented as stoneed I am, I am to the fucking tee.

I have a notebook in my house. And every morning before I leave, I open that notebook and it breaks the day down to me. So you call me and you really say to me, where are you, where are you going to be? to be at 1238 today. Once I look at that notebook, I can tell you that morning, that day.

That's how I want my day to be. I have the sitter between 10 and 4, so I got to go to Hollywood until I got to run a bunch of shit. Ari wants to meet 11. I don't even think I can meet Ari. I didn't know until I went home last night because most of my shit is on the other side of fucking L.A. If you don't have your day, that plant,

you're in no fucking danger moving ahead. You've got to have your day fucking plan. But, to get something out of the way here, What the fuck is it? A lot of things happened last week. One of the things that happened was I got mad at a particular fucking podcast.

And a lot of people been asking me what happened? The one we did with that fucking morning, I'm not going to give them any light. I'm not going to give people any fucking light on this thing. And that's why I hate starting the podcast off. But you guys are loyal listeners, and I owe you a fucking apology for tweeting that way. And I also owe you an apology

because I didn't want you to see that side of me. What happens in my life is this, okay? there's two things you got to do in your life if you want to get a fucking head. This ain't me preaching. I'm just telling you because I went through everything. I read every fucking self-help book. I went to Anthony Robbins.

I made my confirmation at 28. Did you know that Lee? No. I had more fucking problems than anybody, so I know what it's like. And the one thing that made my life so much smoother by 80% Lee was claiming

responsibility for my actions. Yeah. And not being such a pussy about my actions, i.e. I didn't do it. I don't do nothing Okay When the cops come That's what I tell the cops

But when a good friend like Lee comes up to me Or a person that's striving for you And you try to fucking Chuck and jive around them People will never trust you again No I have a weird thing with people If you chuck and jive around me

You want to chuck and jive around me That's great But when it comes to business We cannot do it I agreed to do a podcast Lee and I showed up We did the podcast The podcast went up

It was a very good podcast part of it because I was high to the fucking gills with Lee. I got sizzled here with Lee. That's why the podcast was real. Everything I fucking talk about these things is real. And I want people understand the mind frame when you live in that life.

We're at the fucking bar drinking with my friends. No, you've got to give people an illusion of that. You're doing comedy. You're writing jokes. You're doing all this shit, you know? So I do this podcast, they put it up, they hit me. But I noticed that they were doing little things before that

that were kind of weird. They were sending me emails to retweet shit for Eddie Bravo and all this shit. They're friends, but you know what? If you do your own marketing, you don't need other people to fucking retweet shit for you. Nothing bothers me more than when I go to some of these pages

and I see 15 fucking retweets. Don't you have a fucking personality of your own? Don't you have anything to fucking say on your own? But some people are shy or whatever. No worries. The podcast comes out that day on the thing. I see that they're hitting friends of mine. Okay, like Bert Kreisher,

retweet this for Joe Diaz. this guy retweet this for Joe Diaz right away that's a fucking no-no of my book okay do your own marketing they went to then they started going to people that I'm not cool with like I'm not cool with them why would you go to them and say retweet this for fucking Joe Diaz

without fucking asking me so what do I do? I see that they're doing under two different Twitter handles so I contact that fucking cut that runs the podcast he contacts me back with this distant email that it's his interns that did it that he's sorry I go out of

that night I come back. They got a different Twitter account doing it in a different way mentioning the guy's name. Hey, you did great on this podcast. Like, they don't know that I don't know what a new fucking fake Twitter account looks like. Like, they think I just fell off the fucking boat. I go to bed. I don't do that.

I send him an email. Hey, guy, I come here to do the podcast Wednesday morning. As I'm doing the fucking podcast, I'm looking at the feed, and he's going to people that I know asking him to be guest on my show. That is why I got angry. You don't do that to people.

He was going out to Jim Norton and people like that, that I'm not even that cool with. I just know through comedy, hello, and goodbye. So you cannot do that to people. Instead of this guy sending me an email and going, bro, I'm sorry, I'm looking for guests. He keeps telling me it's his fucking interns. That's what I got pissed off about.

Because claim responsibility. Even till today, he put up a YouTube video on Monday saying that it was his fucking interns. That guy, you never want to do business with a guy like that that cannot claim responsibility. That is a pussy. That's the type of guy that'll leave you in a fucking lurch. He's never gotten back to me.

If all he had to do was write me an email and say, Dog, I fucked up, I really want the podcast. Now what does he get? He has nothing. Can't contact Rogan? Can't contact me? Can't contact him in a fucking circle. They're supposed to be putting somebody from Dead Squad podcast next week.

That's going down too. Then they tried to be fucking cute and set up two more. counts and asked me yesterday to put it back up. Like this guy has no fucking idea that as soon as he fucking contacted me as soon as his beef was going down, I got dirty people. I listened to that podcast

that told me the guy was a puk that got rid of his fucking partner. Then I got a call from an attorney. I got a two Twitch from an attorney that said all they need is the fucking word to terrorize him. Then I got fucking Twitch from gangsters in London that's it to get their fucking address that they break their fucking legs. So if you're listening or if you're

watching, if you're friends of these cunts, Explain to them. They can get it from every fucking direction. And the reason why I haven't got after them in a real fuck, because I'm a fucking old-school gangster. I'll shut them down Twitter way. I'll shut them down smart. I know fucking, all I do is make two fucking phone calls for money-money YouTube and he'll do whatever fuck you want to us. I just don't ask them because I don't want to fucking impose on them. But you understand me, why fuck around? Why fuck around with people that could help you or just be fucking really cool to you?

Especially after I say something to you. Yeah. That's when it shuts down. Once I say something to you and I look at you like a man, that's when you go, oh, I get who I'm dealing with here, I'll act like a fucking man. No, six days later, this fucking cunt of a fag of a man,

because he's weak, still puts out a YouTube video. That's his fucking interns. This is the guy we're dealing with. That nerdy little motherfucker with his little cunty fucking girl. That's who we're fucking dealing with here. So if you know something like that in your life or if you have that quality,

that you can't assume responsibility, look somebody in the face and go, hey, guess what, bro, I'm a fucking sinner. I fucked up. Shoot yourself because it ain't going to get no better for you. Trust me. At 28, I ended up in fucking prison. If I didn't claim responsibility for my actions,

I wouldn't be here in front of you right now. Because with Stand up, you got to claim responsibility eventually. If not, they'll fucking eat you up. Didn't you say the judge wasn't going to give you as much time, but you didn't claim responsibility? Yeah, yeah. So it's not only for this situation.

like, especially at work or at school, if you don't, like, let's say you don't turn in, like, a paper or something. If you just say, oh, like, if you're trying to make excuses, but if you just say, like, listen, I was late or at work, you messed up, there's not really anything anyone can say after that when you just say sorry. So, like, it doesn't have to even be for this podcast. If you just take responsibility, people really can't say shit after that. It's ruined me.

It's ruined my relationship with people, especially after like 33 once somebody can't say to me I can't deal with it listen let me tell you how fucking perverse and disgusting I am whenever somebody does something bad

I claim responsibility that's the type of guy I am in the back of my mind because do you understand me because that's who I came from for a while everything that happened was me and I would always deny or there was always a reason

there's always a reason about the way. Listen, man, our parents aren't watching. You're not going to get beat up no more. Nobody's going to smack you in the fucking mouth. Nobody's going to punch you. Nobody's going to do nothing to you. Just come to... But this isn't about coming to grips with people. This is about

coming to grips with yourself. And being honest with yourself. You know, how many times I get out of stage? And I'm like, Lee, that wasn't one of my good sets. And you're like, no. I know I was dead. If I don't put that belief in myself, I'm never going to move forward. So this isn't even about the people around you.

It all starts with the belief in yourself. And to be honest with yourself and go, you know what? I got to get on stage more. I got to do these things more. I got to go to the gym more. I got to be nicer to my wife. I got to do all these things more. That catches you.

And that's claiming responsibility. And that's all I haven't wanted from anybody. I don't want money. I don't want friendship. If you do that around me, we'll always be fucking cool. Yeah. No, and it's a tough thing to do. Because, I mean, that guy is excited about his podcast

and he wants people to see it. but the way to go, that's not the way to go about it. There's a way to do things, there's a way not to do things. He would have been cool with me from the jump, if he would have said, bro, don't worry about it.

Hey, man, do me a favor. You hit this guy or that guy to be on your podcast. I would have said, let me try for you. But for you, I'm going to blame it on your fucking interns. And then on Monday, they keep blaming on your interns. It does something to you.

To me, I'm as sensitive as they fucking come. You see me big and fuck you and all this dog. I cry at the side of a fucking hat. Okay. And I get very unsensitive time with people. In my demented mind, I think you're fucking with me. Okay.

I think you're fucking with me. In what way? Let's break it out in the fucking open. You came to me about a year ago and you said, dog, when you put a podcast out on Fridays, it goes nowhere. Start releasing them on Thursday. You were talking about me and Felicia,

meeting the beast. Yeah. I told Felicia that 50 times And she would release the thing on Saturdays So in the back of my mind You're fucking with me You're fucking with me That's what you're doing to me

You're really like trying to make a fucking jerk off out of me That's what you're fucking trying to do to me After we've had this conversation Ten fucking times That nothing comes out on on Friday So if you're gonna release the podcast Release the podcast It's Thursday, whatever

I don't give a fuck You release an 1150 fucking 9 and I'm Thursday night. Do not release it after Friday because people don't download it. Saturday at 6 o'clock, I would get a link that she just released it. So in my mind, you're fucking with me. I can't say nothing to tell you nobody because right away, you're being that. You understand me?

Yeah. And that's the biggest thing why we've worked together for so long because both of us will do it what we say when we're going to do it. Do it, done, done. Do it and get it. When you got to do something, do it and get it over with. You're sitting around, contact. Complainting. When I got to do something in the morning, dog, this time I'm fucking wiped out. You know, last night, my biggest apologies to everybody.

I didn't stick around last night after the Rogan set. I couldn't stick around. I'll tell you what happens on fucking Tuesdays, Lee. I go for acupuncture. They do the cupping. They do the whole fucking thing. Yeah. You know, I drink a ton of water.

Not only that, I went to the wire yesterday. Then I go do comedy. I get home. like we're talking to my our goal as comics is to drive to stay up yeah even if I'm fucking home even if I'm at home at 1115 my job is to spark a joint

get a cup of coffee going and try to stay up till three or four beings a genius writing jokes about Copernicus make them believe him something special which I'm fucking not and I can't do it I'm an old fucking man I'm 50 I got to be in fucking bed I got to be in fucking bed I got to get six hours if I don't get six hours before I come see you con suckers

on Mondays or Wednesdays, this shit don't work. I'm a fucking half of, you know, or I'll give you a great show, and then I got to go home and take a lap and sleep on my business hours, which I want to be alert for, I want to be writing, I want to be something, you know, cohesive, whatever the fucking word is.

So I suffer somewhere. I used to go to this special room on Tuesday nights, and they put me up last. I get out, I get an old-11, fucking 10 to 12. You got to go back to do a stand-up of 10-12. That means you're going to bed of a fucking one. That means you're done. I got to get up at 4-45 to come

over here and see you. Yeah. I'm not going to you know what I'm not going to say dog I used to get away on no sleep I'd do a fucking half a rock and fucking blow and I wouldn't sleep and come down here what's the fucking difference you know? Yeah. But somewhere along the line your day suffers. You're not going to give you full attention to something. You know I may have a show tonight I may want to go to kickboxing

that'll be ruined because I didn't sleep at night so that's why I leave. I try to get that six seven hours from fucking prepared for you. Cox's up this today. If not, we got fucking nothing, Lee. You know what I'm saying? We got nothing, cock sucker. I got it. What's up, baby boy?

I'm proud of you. Look at you. You're going to Vegas. You're going to bang out some fucking dough. You're going to get your stomach yourself today? We're going to try. You're going to try to get your little stomach yourself? Fuck yeah.

All right, let's eat this edible. Fuck you. Gock suck. I don't care what you say. You can replace me, do whatever you want. Fuck that edible. You can do what? You could do what?

I said, fuck that edible. Listen, I'll fucking tie you up and drop you off at the $170. And we got a call. Oh shit. What's happening, beautiful? Hey, how are you, my friend? This is my man, D.C. in the house? Yeah, how are you doing?

How are you, friend? Good, good, good. I don't know, because I have 9.34. I forgot I call a little earlier, you know? Nah, you're cool, man. I'm happy you do. You know, I'm busy over there today? No, no, I, you know, kind of with this thing with my mom.

I'm kind of taking a day here and there now. Just to kind of get my head together. I hate you. On the phone is, I don't even know what to call you, Danny, because I didn't speak to you really until a couple of weeks ago. It's a fucking idol of mine, Danny Calendrillo. I'm serious. You know, I really thought about how to describe you. And, you know, I'll just start with, you know, we have a big sports audience here.

And Danny played for Seton Hall. He played for the high school. I attended North Bergen High. And he went on to Seton Hall. He was the big East player of the year, led the nation in scoring. got drafted, whatever, but we're here. Danny, you're just a great story, man. Thanks. I appreciate it.

You know, when I was in the seventh grade, I got left back, and I got put in Barone's class, not Joe, Johns, you know, the Joe's, and I became a basketball night. I knew about you, but I didn't know exactly, and I used to go watch you, and, you know, at one point, basketball was my savior, and you were my savior. I'd go watch your practice, and then I'd go try the move down that 38th Street court or whatever. You know, Danny, people talk all this shit, and I'm really sorry.

Danny lost his mother last week, so Danny, I'm really happy that you got to even call, you know, God bless her. You know, you came from a family with 13 kids. I mean, you came from North Bergen over by 80th Street there. How did you get so good in basketball? Well, you know, growing up, we grew up, it was, There was no one, you know, we, we, you know, I was in a four-story walk-up like everybody. And, you know, it's just outside, you know, nothing, everything was created outside. There was nothing for you to do inside, you know, a railroad apartment.

So I think most of the guys I grew up with was just consistently outside, you know, playing basketball, playing sports, go home, eat. You know, when back in the day, when families sat down and had dinner, when their father came, came home because my father was old school Italian and then after that you were free to do your thing so everybody was just playing consistently you know I just kind of you know I had my mentors and my idols Jackie Goulogne and you know Michael Corinne and Spinole and Jimmy Boylan you know these guys are legends in Hudson County and I just you know I tell my kids here today I just put my head down until I think my senior at St. Hall then I kind of realized what I accomplished you know Danny, for me, it wasn't the points

or the, you know, going to Hashway and seeing Digger Phelps there trying to recruit you or any of that. It was just letting me know that I could do it, which is, that's the biggest thing you could do for a person. You know, you weren't black, you weren't six foot eight, you didn't have a 92-inch vertical fucking jump. You did everything, you know, you were 6'1,

you did everything the old fucking fashion way. I mean, I told you a story that you never remember. I remember my eighth grade year. My whole life was basketball. All I wanted to do was start freshman year, and I used to hang out with Anthony Sonsolo. And he was, you know, he was right there in the back court with you. One day, we took our bikes to 76th Street courts there by Our Lady Phantom and by Hashways.

And we were playing at one in the morning, three-point games. It was you, me, and the model from Guttenberg, Nikki DeLucia or Nicky the Segglia? The Segglia. The Segglia. We were playing. And I remember going home, my head almost, blew up, that I got to cover you. That's it. Like, you beat me

3 to 1 or something or 3-0, but I got to cover you. And I went home with this air of confidence. This was my fucking life, you know, and I watched, you know, all your games. It was just, I remember taking a bus with Chuck E. McBreen and Winye O'Donnell

to fucking Brulefield, to watch you against Kelly Chupuka. And just, you know, I bumped into Tommy Hineson last year in Atlanta at a hotel. He was doing some game. He was covering the Celtics were playing the Atlanta Hawks, obviously.

And I even talked to him, and it's something about the Hudson County guys, because I played for St. Michael, C.Y. So I heard all the stories about him. Then I had you in Northbury. It was just amazing to have you, Danny. I appreciate that. I reminded you about an article that I had cut out about you that the big movie at the time was a basketball movie

with Robbie Benson called One-on-One. and this writer did a comparison about a guy going to a big college and get lost and you didn't want that to happen. That's why you chose Seton Hall close to home with Bill Raftery and stuff. I mean, what were you thinking on all this time? Like, you broke all these records. What were you thinking about in high school? Well, you know, I just wanted to, you know, I guess we, you know,

going to grammar school, playing in high school, high school. You know, I just wanted to go to college. And then, you know, watch, you know, Koran, Spenolico, going into the entity at the tournament. And then Jimmy Boyle and Marquette, I signed with them when they won a national championship. Al McGuire came to my house, and I was kind of done.

You know, I was like, I'm done. I'm going to kind of, I was always a year or two ahead of myself. I think that was my strength. It was just like, okay, and when I went to college, you know, my dad was dying, Marquette let me out of their scholarship. So to be honest with you, I was, you know, a restaurant in Hudson County, with Maddie Pickinich, my best friends, and him walks this guy, Bill Raftery.

And, you know, he was from the heart. He was just pure. He was genuine. And to this day, you know, we talk every day. And for me, it was the best choice. You know, I had Maddie Sobella, who was the godfather to my son in high school, Raff, and college. And then when I was in college, I was like, I'm done.

I just want to go either NBA or go to Europe. And I did it. You know, I played a little bit with the Rock. got cut and then I got a call to go to Italy and my first game was against Mike D' Antonio which is the funniest thing in the world and he's like who are you you know what's your Italian what you know so he actually kind of took me under his wing and guided me in Italy about you know who to talk to how to get your passport so and it's funny you know when he was the Nick coach we talked here and there now I haven't

obviously talked to him since he's the leaker coach but uh I think with basketball you You just meet people that kind of attract to each other. They're either great people or they're not, and I was fortunate to always attract to really good people. I mean, I used to go to Kennedy School to play. You don't have to have that league. McKinley plays Kennedy. And I would just stare at your eighth-grade picture.

You had Danny Rugar. That was his name, right? Danny Rugar was the coach. Larry Ruggar. I remember that motherfucker. He was up like 90 to 10 one game against, like, Wink and B, because there was some grammar score. I think Robert Fulton was so big.

They had two teams. They had A and B. The A was the eighth grade, and B was the seventh grade. Rougar was up like 90 to 10, and he was still full-court pressing in the third quarter. You know, these are the fucking people that we had. And you were around some characters. I mean, I used to go watch your practices with,

you know who I still, who I did a benefit for a few years ago, Ralph Marino? Ralph Marino. You know, Ralphie would sit there at all the practices and Coach de Bello and I'd watch you guys. And it was, but it's weird how you, your family affected me in two ways. You know, you let me know that I could play basketball, that it was part. You know, I remember being in the seventh grade and watching Old Corrin International Championship against Marquette. And that Saturday, he drilled home 31 fucking points against Glenn Gondrazek.

Remember that? Yeah. And just seeing that he was from Jersey City, let me fucking know that. Jesus Christ, I could do this. I went to Superstar Basketball Camp with Early, you know, and he wanted me to go to St. Anthony's, me and Whitey, and Lee Erwin. Learwood was a

6'5 kid from Franklin that broke his leg in the eighth grade, never played basketball again. Wow. And we ended up going to North Bergen, but you know, you let me know I can do basketball. Then something else happened in your family. One of your brothers got into

this business, you know, the entertainment business, and he landed in Spring Break, and he landed a fucking huge movie with the Idol maker. And I remember seeing his picture on the wall at Hashways. And going

for the love of fucking Christ. These Calendrillo's there everywhere. They're like Puerto Ricans. These guys can do it all. They could do it fucking all these guys. My brother Paul, really, he always hustled, always worked. It was a roofer. You know, it was a really good looking guy. I got discovered at Studio

54. You know, I forget and I was there with him one night and the next day he's like I got to go into the city some agency called him asked for what he's like they want me to model I'm like model model what so he went in and then they're like look they want me to go to France so he he lived in Chantley-Zay for three or four years he was the top model in Europe he got discovered over there and that's how you know they were looking to do a movie on Frankie Avalon and uh so you know he met Peter Gallagher and Ray Shockey.

They were young, and I was out there when I was filming it, and he was lucky. He was always humble, and he was always, never forgot where he came from. You know, after his movie thing was over, he came back, and a couple of kids started his own little roof in business. So I get Hudson County, and I teach him that, you know, I coached at Holy Cross and Rumson that, look, it doesn't matter where you're from, who's your mother, who's your father.

If you're committed and you work on, you're diligent, you're accountable, It doesn't manage you from Hudson County or from Momitz County, but it takes a lot to accomplish to be just a division one player, you know. You were amazing. Danny, I used to go to those Friday night games, and I still remember playing against Hoboken.

You've seen a year how Hoboken had this tremendous team. They had this, you know, six foot five. They led Hudson County in slamming and slammed dunks. And you guys went down and beat them in Hoboken, the old-fashioned way. Yeah, the boys in Noah. They're two D-1 guys. Oh, my God.

You guys went and beat them by diving and biting and fucking making free throws. And, you know, and it was just amazing the things you did. I never forgot you. I never forgot your name, brother. And I'm really happy that you called today. I always wanted to tell you that, that you brought my fucking dreams to life. Well, your family did, you know. I appreciate that.

Yeah, you know, it's, it's, I always try to tell a kid, go out, be great. You know, my parents, you know, always go for it, be the best. You know, how can I be, how can you be the best in a four-story walk-up? But there, there's kids out there that are going to make it, they're going to be writers and actors, and, you know, hopefully a president. And then the coaches, I was fortunate, like I try to do with kids, I push them, guide them, love them, tough love. And then that's all you need, because some parents just will never be there, and some parents will just, be there too much, and then some will do the right thing. Like my son Daniel played at Bryant, D1, walked on, got a scholarship.

You know, I mean, it's the way it is. But I think the trait, you're talking about in Hudson County, maybe it's in Staten Island or Brooklyn, I don't know, but in Hudson County, all you've got to do is just talk to somebody. And when they know you're from that area, the conversation just gets loose. In which way? What do you mean? Because that's happened to me, but it's describing it for these people. Well, you know, like the other day I was looking, you know, we're trying to do a whole thing, a sport complex, and down here, Mom is County.

You know, something I always dreamed of doing. It was my goal in life just to be around kids, coach kids, and just, you know, try to help them what I learned along the way. And, you know, I'm looking at this one place, and this guy's pretty hard nose, and he's giving us a hard time. And I just said to the guy, look, what's the story? What's the problem? Yeah, what we're considering buying something and this and that. And then I said, where are you from? I said, I'm from Jersey City.

I said, I'm from North Bergen. That was it. The tone, the conversation changed. Oh, my God. And, oh, my God, your damn count. Oh, my God. Corrin and then the Jackie Golo. And it was like, but first, there was a lot of tension.

But, you know, once somebody knew, hey, I was from the same cloth, things changed. It's amazing what it's done for me being from North Bergen, because I never forgot it. You know, I'm a Cuban kid. And when my mom died, those kids, they took me in. You know, Danny. And then I had my heart set up playing freshman basketball. Like, that's all I wanted to do was just start. And I didn't get along with reaerning.

And after that, things went a different direction, and I stopped playing. I never really stopped playing. I just stopped. I didn't think Sabella liked me, you follow? So I never gave it a chance. In reality, I really gave up. And it's something that fucks with me till today, Danny, that I didn't go after.

I'm upset to myself. I'm 5'9. I'm Cuban. I could jump, but I can't run fast. What the fuck am I going to do? And that taught me a lesson. You know,

I'm saying as you look back, you know, I mean, you know, horrendous call me and, you know, people like about you and, you know,

like, I'm proud of you. Like, everybody, no, the road's not easy for anybody and where you are

in your life right now. And, you know, I've had some success on Wall Street. It doesn't matter. My goal is, you know, Are you a good person?

My mom just passed, and she was the nicest soul on the planet. You know, I didn't have a dime to her, but, you know, what, she affected so many people. So I think, you know, as I get older, money and profession, whatever you do really does. It means nothing. I know Ben Howland real well. One great coach makes a lot of money, beautiful family, but as a person, he's the kind of guy I would hang out with. I don't know.

I can't say that about too many other guys, but Bill Raptory and Ben Howell. and they're nicest people in the world. It's amazing what we go through in our lives. Danny, I always thought about you. I couldn't believe how much of an inspiration you are when I spoke to Herndt. You know, I went to five-star basketball camp with Herndra's brother on the bus.

With Greg Herenda, his parents took us into 42nd Street, Port Authority, we went upstairs, and we took the bus to five-star. I mean, it was my life. I mean, it's amazing when you dedicate yourself to something. And what I learned, what I didn't do in basketball, Danny, I didn't stand-up comedy.

That's awesome. The failure I didn't stand in basketball for not, you know, I ran into a bump in the wall and I got off the fucking bike. I made sure that didn't happen with stand-up comedy. But I dove into it with the same tenacity. You know, like we talked about, I put that fucking basketball up in that 10-speed, Danny, and I take that bike from 88th Street Park to 16th Park to 16th Park,

to 16th Street to Gilmore to play with Dracula. You remember the kid from Union City, Nunzio? Yeah. You know Nunziot's brother is the kid on the office? Get out of here, really? The Spanish kid on the office, Nestor?

Yeah. That's Nunziot's brother. Come on. My mother... He was a good player. Yeah, my mother had a bar on 29th Street, Burgerline, from the 50s

when they came from Cuba, and there used to be a hot dog stand on 30th Street. Right there by Chappie's Flores. It's the last place you can take a bus in Union City before it hits New York City. And I would play basketball down in Union City with Nunzi, although they were older than I was,

but when they were out here, and again, I go to an audition, some Spanish kids being a dick to me, and all of a sudden he goes, you Cuban, I go, you Cuban, yeah, yeah, where are you from? Union City, I'm from North Bergen. Fucking conversation changed, and he's Nestor from the office, the Spanish kid on the office. That is amazing. It is, you know who else is from Union City? I didn't know. The guy that was on

Boardwalk Empire this year. Do you watch that show? I don't really watch though. Yeah, here and there, here and there. I forget what the kid's name. He's a popular actor. He went to Union Hill, too. It's amazing the people that I've met out here. You know who's from Union City? It's Joey Casaro. Now he's Joey with the hair out there. He's on La Deo Drive. Joey Casaro. Yeah. Little Joey. He's, he's.

His name is Joey something now, famous name. He's right on Rodeo Drive. You should definitely look him up. And he cuts hair or something. Yeah, he cut my, well, my brother, Paul, and him were best friends. His brother Vinny and my sister dated for years. And when my brother died, I called Joey. I went out there, and he freaked out.

My brother used to protect him. My brother protected him. My brother was an airborne ranger, and no one messed with Joe. And when my brother died, I got him. called him. I called Peter Galva. I told you this the other day, and Peter was almost crying. That was so close, and it's funny

that, you know, you look, you know, who made it, or whatever, but Joey's never forgotten either. He's very successful. I think he's got, like, 50 salons or something. No, man, listen, it's what keeps me alive is from

reminding me in North Bergen. It keeps me fucking going. Everything I do, I do with North Bergen in the back of my mind, because I always want to succeed for them As a little city that it is, you know I'm going to Miami this week For the South Beach Comedy Festival

And you know who will be there then Steve Mocko The son to Joe Mocko Wow You know It's going to be a great little time I'm going down there Because half of North Bergen lives in Miami now

Yeah you were saying that Yeah Fort Lauderdale West Palm Beach It's amazing All the people that'll pop up That you forgot about over the years and I'm looking forward to it. That's why I do that run

because I get to see a lot of people out of their element but I got to tell you, Danny, just this whole experience talking to your last couple weeks has really made me aware of where I came from and just, you know, you never gave up and I really respected that. I want to thank you for being there when I was a kid and I know a lot of people who felt like that.

Even Wadi O'Donnell, we were your fucking little, whatever he called, what are he called, what are he called, when a rock band has people who follow them? Yeah, not even your entourage. We were your groupies. We were Dan Calendrillo groupies, the crossover, the dirty foot shots. You guys were great kids.

You guys are great kids. I always say, you know, I see Wider here and there. You know, he always tried to pal around with us, and we gave him tough love. We beat him up, but, you know, years late, I saw him, his life, and his ideas lived to get a door at the time. And I think he was amazed because, like, that whole team, we won a state championship. We were so close.

You know, Maddie was my best friend, Louis. We had, like, you know, Italians, Irish, Puerto Ricans, Cuban. Hablicek? Hablicek's nephew and cousins. It was amazing that team. Louis Cruz, yeah. Wow. And I remember against St. Anthony's.

We all came together because, you know, Maddie was tough. You know, Maddie was tough. But he took me under his wing. And, you know, he left when I tried out. I was the only freshman ever trium of a lawsuit basketball. He laughed at me. and then by the end of the year I was starting Austin

he as a freshman he took me under his wing how to do this this is what these scouts are looking for the way you look the way you dress the way you talk

don't do this and then when I got to college Raff was even on a higher level the MBA is looking for this you know a future employer is going to like you know it's going to look at you

the way you dress the way you talk it was a good learning experience for me because I was fortunate because these these kind of mentors are right there for me So, like I said, I still talk to rap every day, which, you know, it's like a father to me.

Daddy, you're a fucking savage, bro. And I want to thank you for, I got to run. I know, no, I want to thank you for what your family did for me and just let me know I can do it. That's the gift your family gave to me, brother. I love you, man. I'm proud of you. I love you, too. Thank you for call, and we'll be in touch, brother.

I'll be in Jersey next week in Newark if you want to come to the show. I'll be there with Robbins. Friday night. I got some other people come from Rumford, so I'll give you a call. All right, that's great call. Thank you, brother. My condolences. Love you. Thank you. Bye. I got a question for you.

Because when we went to do the documentary, we talked to Barone, who was your basketball coach, and for me, I've always been at Chubby Ju, so I was never good at sports, but one thing my parents, my mom, and my dad did, I always was in sports. What did... Do you think sports? sports was important in your life because I was never good at it,

but I feel like it taught me like how to be like how to keep working and stuff. And you talked about you quit in high school but you applied that to comedy. Do you think sports was important to you? Yes. What I did people was the biggest

fucking mistake of my life. One of the first things my mother did with me when I was six when she threw me into karate. And I went to karate diligently. Yeah, me too. Diligently. I went, you know, It was three, four times a week. I loved it.

I love getting beat up. I love getting kicked. I loved the jogging. I loved everything. The exercise. We moved to Jersey. I went and signed up in Guishamu Karate and Fujaapai Kung Fu.

So I was going to two things at once. Plus, at night, we'd go to a fucking basement and beat the fuck out of each other in Union City. I stayed in that. Somewhere along the line, like I said, I got left back, and I was so insecure about the left back that I focused on school grades and basketball and karate.

That was it. Nothing was going to break me. Pussy, nothing. Somewhere along there, I started smoking pot with the guys in the corner. Just athletic type guys. We were jocks, but we got high. A little bit of Lezeple. A little bit of Led Zeppel never killed nobody.

It wasn't like we did drugs. Everything I devoted my life for, that summer of 77, those two summers, was basketball. I played basketball probably 12 hours a day. I figured out the fucking man. And then I ended the day with 300 fucking jump shots at night. listening to The song remains the same. Paul Kelto's, who will be at the Miami shows this weekend, would do that for me. This is no shit.

When I got the freshman year and the guy shut me down, I let him shut me down. Instead of me fucking being strong, this guy can suck my dick. I'm going to get better in my sophomore year, start JV, or at least make JV. I gave up. I started doing drugs. I started doing T.C. Crystal, blah, blah, blah. I got the lung infection. In fact, somebody on Twitter sent me an article the other day.

that the government salt sprayed paraquot on marijuana in the 80s. That was what fucked up my lung. Once that happened, I just gave up. Once my mother died in November 79, I just gave up on basketball completely. I would play basketball to make money at Hashways, like for a dollar a game. Oh, okay.

We'd play one-on-one or something, so you got $3, and I'd make $10 and get a roast beef sandwich and a soda. That's how I played basketball. I was still very good. I could jump. I just knew that I wasn't going to be cool. but I made a judgment call on my own life.

You never do that. You never say to yourself what you can't do. That's why I always tell people, I know you don't want to work on the commission, but think if you sell cars or if you sell fucking paddling or if you sell roofing,

you're going to work on commission and there's days you're going to make $10,000. You didn't give yourself a fucking ceiling over your life. That was the first time I ever cut my own legs off. What am I going to go to school for? I'm a loser anyway. I shouldn't have a done that.

So from that experience, from quitting Kung Fu because all I did was when Gush and Roo Karate was my 15th birthday I said I'm going to go to a tournament and I'm going to win this tournament right after I come home I'm going to take first place for fighting and first place for forms

I'm never going to go back to karate I got this qualified for fighting because it was semi-contact by the head and I went home and took first place in the karate forms and right there I never went back to karate big fucking mistake I was a purple belt because you won you're going to go back Yeah, no, because I was in the pussy, and I wanted to smoke dope.

I didn't have time for everything. I didn't have time to play basketball, then come home, eat, take another bus to Union City, and do karate. It was just too fucking much for me. Yeah. So I had to give up one of them. So I gave him karate to party. Then I gave up basketball. Those two lessons, guess what?

When I was 415 pounds, I went to a karate school. I didn't go to the karate school to lose weight as much as get my discipline in my life back. I wanted my life to be simple how I was when it was 15. Yeah. So I went back to Kung Fu until today I still do a martial art three times a week. Now it's kickboxing. But I still go to something just so it could take me back to where I was when I was 15 when I was doing good things in my life.

The basketball taught me to not quit. When I got into comedy, I took me a year to really focus on comedy because I wanted to make sure I was going to dive into it with both hands. Yeah. I didn't want what happened with basketball to happen. with the comedy. So I was going to give up right away. So I got a job as a doorman,

which was good and bad because it let me ask comedians questions about their lives, were they married, what is your wife say, have you leaving for a week? How is it? How is the road? You know, when you first get to talk to you about the road, you think it's this fucking mystical thing that you're on the road

and you're hanging out with Bob Seeger, Mon Jovee. It's all the same. Only then, no, it's just you learn, you know. So all the things that I did with basketball, how I failed with basketball, I applied to comedy. So that would never, ever happen again. So if I hit a bump in the fucking road, I wouldn't just run away like a little girl and cry. I would stick with it. And that's what basketball taught me to stick with it.

How I fucked up with basketball was what made me stronger with comedy because I didn't give up because something bad happened. Because some guy said no or some guy didn't want me in his club or some agent didn't want to sign me. Most people would crumble under that because I crumbled as a young adult. I knew I'd never fucking crumbling it. And that's the question. Yeah. And I mean, it's, I think it's important.

I mean, I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's a little different for girls, but I know for me, any kid I have isn't going to be athletic or I'd be very surprised if they were. But I never started, you talk about starting JV. I never started a game a day in my life. But I played, I did something I did Taekwondo or wrestling or baseball. baseball or soccer. I did it until I went to high school and they had the audiovisual stuff. And I even, I wrestled until my junior year of high school. But I think it's important.

And I don't know what you're planning on doing with your daughter. It's very far in the future. But I think it's, and it doesn't have to be sports, but I think something that you have to go every day and in practice. I think it's important for people to do. So, I mean, hearing him talk about it and he got to the pros. I mean, it's six foot one. Not the fastest guy in the world. but he was a score machine he wasted no movement everything he did he knew the game he knew what to apply energy

he knew it to apply pressure you know you can't run for 50 fucking minutes so you know how to sit back he knew I mean he led the fucking county in scoring he led the nation in scoring in Division 1 basketball his senior year

from Seton Hall wow oh oh sure yeah from the Pirates of Seaton Hall. And he went there with a kid Maddie Pickenich who had gone to Cincinnati and then transferred to

Seton Hall who was another pure shooter and he died about 10 years ago of a heart attack and this kid you know it's very hard. I found out about Maddie Dine on a ski lift. I was skiing and I was in

Colorado skiing and somebody on a lift said you know Maddie Pickingis guy and he just knew him. What a fucking coincidence he just knew him. Yeah. But you know when you play football in my hometown they always talk

about how brewing you gotta be this and they're hard nose and they win the States and they're very good at football but what I learned from North Bergen was watching this guy play basketball he was fucking relentless and on the streets when he played on the courts on the streets

he was fucking relentless how many years older is he when you do you say he was a senior when I was a freshman oh those guys I don't know what it is about those guys but especially when you're freshmen and the seniors there's a bunch of guys that like it's very you're very uh what's the word

they're very important and they're influential in your life. The rest of them with Jerkos. He was, when I was a freshman, our freshman class was so fucking strong. Our freshman class was so fucking strong that the seniors paid attention to us.

Really? Yeah. We were fucking crazy. We didn't fuck around. That was a crazy freshman fucking class. Remember, we used to have a thing called Field Day where every year the kids, they set up amusement park.

That stopped when we were. became freshmen, one of our class, got caught fucking a Hindu chick in the bathroom. Yeah, we were robbing beer trucks. We were doing a lot of shit that those guys, in fact, one of the greatest stories ever was that at my house, before my mother died, my mother went to Florida. She owned the property

where Miami International was, and she went to sell it. This may be three weeks before she died. And I had a party in my house. And this Dominican kid, it was my brother at the time, who still around from time to time I hear he says hello. They call him Louis the nigger. He was Dominican kid.

He was a Dominican, but he was black with an Afro, so they called him Louis Niggum, but he was a great kid. He didn't give a fuck. He was from Houston Street in the city. What was I talking? I don't even fucking know what I? So I had a party in my house. Freshman football, they had two senior girls that were doing the stats.

Okay. These freshmen were fucking these girls. And they both had boyfriends that were like guerrillas of the varsity football team. This is real. This is how fucking crazy the freshmen was. So my friend Louis was banged Darcy Head, who was his blonde chick. that did the stats that was fucking amazing.

Just amazing, this blonde girl. I made out with her my freshman year and sophomore year. She was a dirty fucking animal. But this girl was a savage. She was one of the first girls that went for my dick and I almost had a nervous breakdown. Like I had never had a girl go for my dick. I almost had a nervous breakdown.

I just came and left. I didn't even take her pants off, nothing. So one of my friends was banging her and her boyfriend came home. Okay, this is a true story. In my living room, my father had a seven, a six-foot statue of Lazarus, St. Lazarus. He's the dog with the two crutches.

He's the saints with the two crutches, and the dogs lick at his wounds. He has leprosy or whatever, and the dogs are licking his womb. And the crutches were removable. Okay. And we're in the kitchen hanging out, and all of a sudden, Brand and all of these fucking guerrillas come up.

And there's Eddie Borelli kids like, hey man, where's Darcy? We're like, we don't fucking know. He's like, I'm going upstairs. And this kid Chris, the Red Devil. It was in Clisside Park. Took one of the fucking crutches. And he goes, anybody crosses this line

of busting your fucking head with the crutch. We were all freshmen, though. This guy just called out of senior. He goes, you fucking walk through here. We'll bust your fucking skull with this fucking crutch. And these motherfuckers were like, you know what? You just signed your death certificate.

You guys are going to have a problem. But they left. And I remember Morelli would fuck him after that, but he couldn't fuck with me. They couldn't fuck with me. because the freshmen was so fucking crazy. You know, this is when I started going to concerts. You know, my freshman year, I hooked up with Conti and Rago and all these motherfucklers together.

It was all over. So that's when I became a fucking lunatic when I became a freshman. Remember I tell you the story? We had the gourmet club and went to the city, and we picked up booze. That was freshman year. That was all freshman year. The teachers had to fucking leave and shit.

He also had a sister, Danny, that was an art teacher. That was very sweet. You know, he had 13 years. 15 fucking kids, both his parents were deaf. This kid had to be an All-American. He had to go fucking pro. So it was a pleasure having them on the show today

just to let you motherfuckers know how we run. There was that Zeppelin song you have. Yeah, we've got two of them. We got to, which one do I want to play? Play the first one. First, we've got to break this shit up. Hold on one second. Yesterday in the middle of everything.

Because before you saw me, I was even fucking high. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay? Before you saw me, I was high. In the middle of everything, I went over to the fucking Y. My wife went first, and I went to the while, I did dirty on the epileptical, and I hit the bag for 25 fucking minutes. First thing I did when I got home

was I took two of those fucking strong bones with a big glass of water after acupuncture, okay? The night before that I went to 8 o'clock fucking kickboxing, and the day before that, I fucking walked around that North Hollywood Park five times, and I did the Dolce run, where you walk for two minutes and run for 30 seconds. Say to me, Joey, are you sore today?

Ask me. Are you sore today, Joe? Fuck, though. You know why? Because I took like four strong bones yesterday To the day before I'm at the end of this I'm at the end of this strong mode cycle So I got to get on it to send me some more

Don't fuck up You're a fat fuck You get joint pain Your knees hurt your elbows, your shoulders Do me a favor Go to On it Get the starter package Get the fucking new mood

Which I took two of last night It slept like a baby Dog I didn't make it 15 minutes after you saw him Really? I drank a cup of coffee Yeah I drank a cup of coffee too Jesus

I went home wrote two jokes or something that had on my mind and I put that air conditioning on I pissed I kissed a wife and I fucking left

I went to sleep I could sleep on fucking Where's the music Lee Cocksucker It's a beautiful day to be alive Get up there Get out Get out of the fucking house

Hit it Lee Oh shit Lee I got so excited Talking to him I ain't the edible I didn't save you nothing You're lucky

Cocksucker You're fucking The loop. It's Wednesday. Get out there. I got to go for a shot myself. I'll be in Miami this week. We got a live podcast.

Oh, shit. Yeah, we've got a live podcast next week. The 24th, right? Hollywood. 24th. At the Ice House. Call now 626-577. 18, whatever the fuck is.

I got to go for another allergy test. This shit is killing me. My nose is clocked up. Yeah. How many more weeks are you going to go for shots? Jesus Christ. I just keep on a shock, fam. For like, then, I haven't.

You're too high, I got to turn the lens up long. Oh, shit. It's a beautiful fucking day. I love it. I love doing this with you. You're a good fucking dude. Hit it. Dang on that.

Dang on that. Dang on that. Dang on that. Dang on that. Dang on that. I got to let that go for a second. Sorry. Yeah, so we have that.

You have Miami. Austin, yeah. May 2nd to the 5th, I think. Thursday. Saturday. San Antonio Dead Squad's coming up. Represent. Let me give some shoutouts. My main man, Mark Redd, fucking

Doug Paquette, James Belia. I love you. Coxucker. Jill Himitsu. Give it donations on a webpage. I don't know what it is. All at the top of my fucking head. But contact to Ed Wilson. I love you. Neos you're still the funniest fucking Jew online. I love this guy.

If you're not following Neil Samuels, you're fucking shooting yourself in the head. Fuck Joe Diaz and Rogan. and Ari and all these comedians. If you're not fighting, if you're not following this fucking Jew, Neil Samuels, there's something wrong with you. This guy is as real as Uncle Joey.

He said something yesterday about a twat, something, that I was rolling. This guy does heroin. He does, they don't give a fuck. This is the Jews I fucking grew up with. I know one of his uncles stabbed fucking Jesus in the leg. I know it. I know it for a fact that one of his uncles was right there.

He said, give me a fucking knife. I'm going to stab this fucking long head puck in the thigh. That's how much I love Neil Samuels He's the last of the real fucking Jews Not like some people I know Cry in the car when I offer him an edible You know what Neil Samuels would do if I gave that fucking edible? He would eat the fucking

Whole thing what I even think, what I even look at me He'd say I'm a fucking Jew Yeah and then two years later he'd be like Fuck you Joe No he would not This motherfucker Lee Samuels would take that Edible rubbing on his fucking head And put the Yavik over it

And let that motherfucker ferment under that Jesus Christ Get your shit together Lee slipping as a Jew. That's it. This is the last week. Your mom was entitled but forgive you. Monday, we're back on the fucking edible 6-0-1. You got nowhere to go Monday 9. I don't want to hear no.

You're fucking cuck, sucker. You're gonna' have Capsiddy second to the fourth. Second to the fourth. Thank you very much. I want to give a shout out. All the Dets Squad fucking chapters that are popping up you. We got sons of energy. Beat. Fuck those motherfuckers. We're going to get tricycles

and ride up and down the fucking country. I was just going to say you guys should start doing the Harley, like the Hell's Angels have little jackets. I got one. They're coming already. Who the fucking think you're dealing with here? The church with a fucking skull with a fucking cigar in his mouth. They follow me? Who the fucking think you did?

I love it. What are you to do this week? If you go to Vegas, you're going to make some... Until Saturday, yeah. And then for everyone who hasn't listened, starting May 1st, I'm going to do a juice. If you want to join me, I'm going to do YouTube video with my recipe. If you don't want to juice, but you want to be healthy and do on it stuff,

we're starting May 1st. So get get everything you need for that? What is your goal? What is your goal of the weight loss? What is the end result? I'd like to lose another 100 pound, but for the, for May, I want to lose 50.

You're going to shave your beard. Fuck that. I look like, I look like a two-year-old if I don't have a beard. That's even perfect. Once you lose the weight, you're shaved her,

you missed your little roommate, don't you? I told you. Yeah, she's a good friend. He was falling in love with her. I wasn't falling in love. I wasn't falling in. Yes, you were.

That little ass and that titty. But you didn't lock her in before. I told you to lock her in. She's two minutes on the road. She's not two minutes. She's a fucking Northridge somewhere. You're not going to go down. She's got her brother.

The other guy fucking maneuvering the pussy watching her asshole. She's got fucking the black boyfriend coming in. You can't follow that. He's going to fucking pork her with that fucking black guy. How are you going to follow that? You're a fucking little dude. You got to go in there eat the ass and punch her and choke her out. You're not going to want to do that.

I can't. Choke her out. Yeah. I'll call you when I need $10,000 bail. What fucking bail? What bail? Yeah. You were saying that last night.

You got to just walk in. No girls ever called in a guy. The cops were sticking your dick in the mouth. Yes, they have. Yes, they have. You're like, if you're doing it ten times, five girls will be pissed. But five girls won't.

I didn't say it like that, you fucking go. I said, listen, let's say she's sleeping on your fucking couch. She likes you, you like her. If you wake her up, if you rub that helmet on her cheek, you don't say cheek. You said, put her in her mouth. And then I said, about cheek, whatever.

What's the difference at the point in the game? You got it over here. You're not going to. the door, you might as well just pull in like a sleep apnea your fucking pill, son. Oh, Jesus Christ. Lee, you're going to smoke this? I've smoked gold. I've already smoked four fucking joints.

I eat edible. What the fuck am I going to do with you? I don't know. Your eyes are already all the way closed. Are they already? I've got to go to the doctor with my blood price going to be $190 over $2,000. I had a protein. That's why those two little farts came out.

A little protein, a little banana in there, little peanut butter. Bam! Bam! Leelie, Leeland, I love you, Cocksucker. good fucking dude. Start next. We got some shirts. We want to show

for my mantel for you. But we're not going to do them today. We're going to get another camera set up. It's taken Lee about four months to do this one. And he won't claim a response. Bill, I don't know. You told me two weeks ago. Meanwhile, he's in Vegas.

He's well-watching with his mother. Fucking whale watching. I need this shit. One weekend a year of Marlon comes to visit. You make him coming. Dickie came a month ago and you got to drive him. You're a fucking nightmare. Get it together.

Twice. Tell these motherfuckers. No more coming out. out here and they fly out on Tuesdays from now. What else? So we got Miami this week at 420 on fucking Saturday. We got great fights. Gilbert Melendez on the car. That's a great fucking fight.

So all I'm telling you is do me a favor. You got three days left in the fucking week. And the week off strong. Maybe you had a bad fucking Monday. Maybe you had a bad Tuesday. We're the fucker. You're the fucking man. Put it together. So what? You got no money. So what? Your wife left you? You got you. You got your cock. You got you hit it with a hammer. Do whatever you need to make you...

Hit your cock with a hammer? You never did that? Fuck you, no. Why didn't you grow up? You never fucking take your dick and hit it with a little carpet to hammer? What are you talking about? Lee. How high are you?

I'm not high at all. This is bubbles gum shit. I'm calling bullshit on that one. And if anyone on Twitter says, Oh, you'll hit my dick with a hammer. You're fucking lying. No, never hit their dick with a hammer on purpose. That's how you become a man.

No, it's not. 13. They did a bar mitzwin. They cut your dead. right? No, they do that. They cut your dick when you're fucking born. Now what they do when you're 13? They don't rub it or nothing, put salt on it? No. They don't put kosher salt in your little cullo,

nothing? You just get envelopes of money? How much money did you get? A few grand, I think. What did you do? You still got it, don't you? No, no, it's gone. No, that check? Your mother gave you. Fuck you. No check. You fucking shit. You want 10% of everything I made?

Five, if your mother gives you a little taste, you have to give me something. Something 50, a bag of weed, something. You're getting hatch from to four, You're living like a doctor? I'm getting hands. We'll see what happens. I love you guys. I love you guys in all my heart.

Thank you for following and for support. Go to Joey Diaz.net. If you need a fucking hoodie, a long-sleeved shirt, some T-shirts go over there, talk to fucking J.R. He's a good man. He's going to be in Arizona with me hanging out. Big black motherfucker.

I love you. J.R. is a good fucking dude. We talked yesterday. I miss him. He's going to come up to L.A. He's making moves, J.R. So if you want to talk about T-R., your design for your company or whatever

go to JR design again go to audit look at the fucking excuse me look at the web page anything you're fucking well in there I can't get you a deal on the kettlebells or the jump rope or the fucking turbo walls but any vitamins you press in fucking just do me the favor of C-H-U-R-C-H

in the box trust me you're gonna fucking love it they keep you on emails they send your hats they do a bunch of shit for you number three go to jerry cocoadeers dot net for all your tour if you live in the area I'm going to Salt Lake City this year. I'm coming back to San Jose. I'm going to Philly.

Don't fuck. I'm going to Portland. I'm going to Buffalo before the years. I'm going to Lexington Kentucky bitches. So break out the fucking cowboy hats in the Bluegrass Reefer. You know, we ain't fucking around this year's what I'm trying to tell you. Lysayat's coming to San Jose and a couple other dates. I will be in New Jersey next week

with fucking Rogan. And that's it, you bad motherfuckers. I can't wait to see you savages in Miami. I will be bringing a camera to take the testicle testimony. I got a call those prayers. I got a bunch of fucking people coming down. I miss you. The ticket was just too much, though. That's fine. To get to fucking New York. I ended up paying $700.

Jesus. But, oh, you should, we won't do it today, but next time we'll have you break down airline prices for me. Like, you're on the way to the club last day. You're like, all right, you got to, on Tuesdays, you got to go and get the half-price miles. I've been doing this for 20

fucking years, people. You know, I've been flying. So you fucking learn little tricks of the trade, and I'm here to help you. You got any questions about flying or whatever? You got to buy it months in advance. You've got to join all the programs. They're free. Join the programs. Get the miles and learn to negotiate. Get a sleep apnea machine. Get yourself a dog walk around with one eye.

The goal is to get a good fucking scene on a plane. And that's what the fuck I do. The other thing, people have been complaining. Joey, the tickets of Miami are too high. I'm not a live nation, people. Let me break something down for you, just so you people enjoy some. If it was up to me, if you gave me $5 to $10 to come watch me, I'd fucking take it.

But I can't do that. The clubs don't allow that. So me, I like to charge you guys $17. I know things are fucking rough. 17 is fair. You're like, Joey, where did you come up with 17? After the government, after Lee takes my money, after my wife, and after the agent, I got $10 left.

So $7 goes away. I keep fucking 10. We make each other laugh. We smoke a joint. You go home happy. I go home happy. Everybody goes home happy. I don't like when they charge people $35 either. I don't fucking like it. I don't like when they charge over $20 for me. I'm not worth more than $25.

I fucking $20 fucking dollars. I ain't gonna lie to you. We have a good time. We hear some fucking stories. So don't yell at me. These people set a price. They asked me what I want. I want it 17.

You know, when I went to ticket price for this shit, it was 20 and nine to ticket master. What do you want me to do? You want me to become fucking pro jam and go to war with these people? All I want to do is do a couple jokes for you people and keep it fucking simple.

I love you guys. I'm not here to rob nobody. I don't want to be fucking rich and have a convertible BMW. I just want to cover lead. This motherfucker eats and wants to gamble down. Everybody wants to have a good time. Mom gives him a check.

You think I see $10? Anything dripped down to fucking Uncle Joey? Who got? I get nothing. He keeps the whole fucking envelope. This cuck, sucker. Anyway, I love you guys. The bottom of my heart.

I love Lysayat. He's a good guy. Jill Hemitz, all you motherfuckers that contribute on Twitter and Facebook, what the fuck can I say about you? We got something special, man. Let's keep it alive. Have a great week on it.

Fucking Dan Calendrillo. Everybody today. Hit that shit, Lee. Because this is what it's all about. If you ain't got this, if you ain't got no fucking heart, and if you're not going to claim responsibility, you know what? Put on Tom Waits and shoot your fucking self. Hit it!