The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 04/24/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #02

Episode Date: April 26, 2013

Bert 'The Machine" Kreischer joins Joey and Lee for the second live podcast. Taped live at the Ice House on 04/24/2013

Sorry, Joey just made me eat another edible today, so I'm fucking... Already feeling it. Well, we're gonna start off the same as last time. Joey's gonna come up, I'm gonna come up, and then we're gonna have our guests come up. So we're gonna open with Joey Diaz. Come on, buddy. Where are you? What's happening?

What's happening? Keep it going one more time, the flying juice. One more time. Thank you very much for coming out. I appreciate you. I know you guys got a lot of shit to do on Wednesdays. You know, that's what's happening here. But Pasadena, it's fucking a...

It's fucking exciting, you know. A lot of shit's going on. I'm happy to fly and Jew came out. Listen, I just went to give him another edible and he fucking... But I really ate an edible this fucking morning, okay? I'll fucking stab you, cocksucker. He ate a little, little tiny piece.

Then I called him like two hours later. He was past. Hello. What the fuck? By that time I had done jumping jacks, I went to rouse. I hung out with the baby. I changed diapers, and you're fucking sleeping,

cocksucker. Fucking guy. He's lucky, I love him. And now some guy, Jordan, was kind enough to bring like a space cake. And he goes, you're going to eat it? Fuck you. You want a piece? No.

What are you going to do? I have to go home and go to sleep. Well, this is what the fuck I'll help you? This will help you to dream in fucking color. What was the last time you dreamt in color, cucked? You wake up in the middle of night. You got cotton mouth. You got a peeing shit.

You're dehydrated. Your kidneys hurt. Ha ha ha ha. I had a fucked up experience today. Fucked up. Let's get to the bottom of this shit. All right. So I hate needles.

I hate doctors. I hate all that shit. But I've gotten comfortable lately. Like the last three years, I've converted to health. Some people convert to Islam. Some people convert it to health. I got fucking insurance. I get anything.

Anything. A cough. A fucking toenail hurts. I go down to that doctor for 15 bucks. I don't give a fuck. I'm that age. I'm a hypochondriac. I'm not going to lie to you people.

So I go to acupuncture. I try to get my life together. So I went to there's one doctor. And he gives me these shot. He goes, you know what? You got to go to this other doctor for us to give you the prescription. So I went to see this other fucking guy today.

And I thought it was like going to be like a mafia doctor. You go in there and they tell you you got headaches. You tell them no, and they give you your pills and they wink at you. No, this motherfucker wants to get. You know, I said when you go to get a weed license. Like 10 years ago, if you went to get a weed license, they would just ask you, you know, what's your symptom? I went to via.

I get flashbacks of Vietnam, but I was never there. All right, good. You can smoke marijuana. Make sure you smoke out of a vaporizer. We want you to take care of your lung. Who gives a fuck guy? What the fuck you're fronting for? Now you want to throw in a vaporizer.

I'm going to take this piece of paper and I'm going to roll into a big fucking joint. That's what I'm going to do. Right away they're like, you have to vaporize and take care of your lungs, Doc. Listen, I'm going to go fucking bananas the dispensary as we speak. I'm going to eat butane.

I'm doing everything. Gorilla biscuits. T.HC. Oil on my nutsack. I'm going nuts. I'm going to go home and bathe in fucking THC. But it's funny, so I had to go to this doctor tonight. I thought he was just going to get me out of.

This motherfuckerer's like, Well, I need to check you out. And I'm like right away. And I took, like, let me tell you, I hate going to the doctor for certain things because you don't know what they're going to test you for. All right. So right away, I know when you go to those type of doctors,

they're going to look at your asshole. They just got that asshole look to them. Whatever they. A doctor that looks in your asshole has, like, a certain title. I don't know what the fuck the title is. Because I want no, I don't care what I make a year. Sticking fingers up people's asses is not a fucking living for me. I don't mind

But fuck the gloves and shit You gonna stick your finger up you just gotta be raw Fuck it Fuck there's no safe sticking your finger up somebody's ass Right or wrong There's safe sex but nobody said You know what I stuck my finger up some chick's ass And I put a glove on because I want to have safe sex

Fuck no I'm sticking my finger up her ass I'm going commando This finger's going fucking commando So right away he looks at me He goes before you leave I gotta check yeah That meant a finger up the ass So right away, you know me, I'm a fat fuck.

I went to the bathroom and wiped my ass. Because sometimes you take a shit in the rush, then you get in your car and you think got a hemorrhoid. Because your ass is on fire once you hit the 405 and you want to scratch it. You know, you left a little fucking residue in there. Sometimes just leave some tucked in there that burns the fucking hemorrhoid. And you're on fire.

You get that, your ass is on fire. And you go to Rouse and you go to scratch, and there's a little shit on your finger. And I got to wipe it on your jean and shit. by the yogurt section I got a wipe it right here but the checkout line you always smell your finger Ralph Card what he

what he talking about Ralph Card? I was in a stinky finger fucking coma here some people in a food coma I'm in a stinky finger coma you like that shit I just wrote that so I go to this doctor and right away I went to the back to my wife and I took a piss and I'm uncircumcised

and I don't have underwear on so I didn't want it to have after leak so I didn't want to have after leak so I wiped my dick with the teeth I threw it away, right? So now I go in there and he goes, all right, he checks out my blood pressure. He looks at my eyes, my nose, my ears. He goes, all right, drop your pants. So I know there's going to be a problem with my ass, so I can just feel it.

But he says, no, no, no, no. Look straight ahead. This guy grabbed my dick and my balls and squeezed my balls like he was serious. You know what I'm saying? And he goes, look the other way. And I looked the other way, and I'm like, this motherfucker. How creepy is this shit? When was the last time somebody squeezed your balls and made you look the other way?

In the seventh fucking grade. you know what I'm saying? Squeeze your ball, look the other way, and cough. That's fucking disgusting now. I can't fucking cough. You're squeezing my fucking nuts. I'm thinking about that. I can't even fucking breathe.

I'm about to have an anxiety attack, you fuck. So then he goes, all right, everything feels great down there. I know. I've been fucking feeling every day. If I'd have felt a lump, you would have met me fucking earlier, don't you think? So now he's like, all right, get against his head, put your hands on a table, and get to, like, a ski position. And I knew, the other doctor told me the one time I got a finger

up the ass, he told me to laying the table and going to the fetal position, right? And I didn't even feel the finger up, go. I didn't feel it until it was like in my belly button. I didn't, it was too, and when you got a finger hit your belly button, you think all the times you were, like a girl was messing around in your house, like washing and you stuck your finger up her

ass and she straightens up. It all comes back to you, that karma, every finger that you stuck up on ass. Remember like in the same thing, and I remember when you were young and you went to finger bang somebody and you didn't really know how to finger bang? I'm like, you didn't know what a pussy was. Because when you're 13, You think the pussy's right here. But it's deep, deep, deep in there.

And sometimes after the first night in the winter, you don't know where you are. And you're going to stick your fucking hand into that pussy, but you got ass. You ever get ass like a ass? And now you got like a fucking Arnold Palmer mix on your hands. You got like pussy and ass, Arnold Palmer style. You remember when you were young,

you're thinking somebody, you wouldn't wash your hands for weeks. Remember that shit? You walk home with a semi- fucking, Stroke hand and shit. You're in the third, you're in the sixth grade. You got this little fucking stroke hand and shit. Your mom's like, wash your hands, we're eating dinner. I ain't eating dinner no more.

I was gonna sit in the corner and sniff this pussy off my... Past the salt, you know what I'm saying? That's why I eat edibles, because I get fucking crazy on stage. This motherfucker shoved the finger up my ass. But just, listen, I've had a finger up my ass, and it's enjoyable. It's enjoyable. It's enjoyable. It really is.

I was telling Levy the other night. You don't know what it's like to have a chick stick a good, good finger up your ass and massage your prostate while she's sucking on your pipe. That's a part. Look at this girl. Yeah. Yeah, when you get older, you stick for you learn. You learn how to tickle the asshole and shit.

That's the money shot right there. That's when you get the diamonds and a nice car and shit right there. But a lot of women who finger fuck you're like a savage. That's not the whole patois. It's a certain thing. You just don't stick your finger up there. You got to manipulate the asshole at first. Put like a magnet in your finger, you know what I'm saying?

And make the asshole open up a little. Anyway, that's a different chapter. Why are we even talking about that shit? But today the whole finger in the ass, that's it. I'm done. I left that. I got in that car. I called my wife, and I called every name in the book.

You cock, sucker! What's the matter? The doctor just shoved the finger up my ass. I was pissed on Magnolia. I almost fucking crashed the car. I went right to the weed store. I bought a box of fucking edibles for like a month. I was just to go home and fucking

And then I wiped my ass And it was like blood and shit This doctor was a savage That motherfucker He fucked my ass whole up Even my back hurts You ever get fingered in the ass And your back hurts

I think he fucked up a kidney or something like that And that motherfucker had Dr. J fingers and shit Thank you very much For coming out tonight It's gonna be a great show As usual, I'm going to introduce my co-host Somebody brought fucking donuts and I can't wait to dig him because I'm high.

You follow me? When he email me, he said, I got donuts. I'm like, this is my type of motherfucker right here. Some people call you up with his shirt. He fucking bypassed that whole thing. He's like, I got donuts, bitch. What's happening, beautiful? I got donuts, you, co-sucker.

But anyway, I'll have been my co-host up there, the main man. He keeps us together, the flying Jew, Mr. Lee Syatt. What's happening, cock-sucker? How you doing, all right? So, who are you kidding? Your edibles aren't going to last a month. Oh, fuck that.

You had two boxes. it's going to last until Sunday. It don't matter because you're eating half of them on fucking Monday. Fuck you. I call him the night before. Lee, get ready for the Mar-cock sucker. Eat breakfast because I'm bringing over some medables. Here, read the name of the company. I can't see my glasses

and shit. Ever since I stopped doing Coke, my eyes went to fucking. When I was doing Coke, I had 20, fucking 40 vision. I could see through walls on the carpets. And there are cupcakes. It's Cupcake, Kathy, and she's here. All right, where is this beautiful Cupcake Kathy? I love this.

I love you guys. I'm going to eat these. I'm going to fucking eat these tonight. Yeah, there's some peanut butter. Peanut butter. I smell bananas. I smell fucking everything. I smell fucking weight watcher points.

That's what I smell. I smell I'm going to be in the elliptical machine until my fucking head shrinks. Because that's the whole problem with dieting. Your head don't fucking shrink. And you look at your stomach, but you just want your head to shrink a little fucking bit, don't you? You're like, look at my stomach is getting smaller.

The diet's working. But what about the fucking head and this neck fat? That's why people go in there and cut this shit off. You just got to take it down to apples and water and shit if you want the neck fat to disappear. But not tonight. I'm eating one of these strawberry fucking cupcakes. Because I'm high like a soldier right now, you understand?

And sometimes you got to do... Don't be touching them, cocksucker. You want to juice die. Remember, motherfucker? I want to be a juicer. You can't juice those, you're fucked. You call me every day. I have two double-quitter-pound of the cheese.

I'll come over with juice them right now. I know you do. because you died this motherfucker he's got a picture of mcdonald on his wall ronald like an autographed picture in 64 looking all slim he loves mcdon he loves little caesar he loved mcdonald who else do you love fucking taco bell taco all he dreams about taco bell dreams he's seen that ad the day for the new sour cream chip the ranch fucking chip he was like fucking pale it's like showing a 14 year old porn when he sees that His face

Gets all red and shit Motherfucking Move over, cock sucker They're sitting so close to me for you You're like a fucking Denny's hostess They always put people next to you and shit You go to the Denny's the place is empty They put a guy right next to your shit

Looks like you just got out of prison At 8 in the morning You're sitting there with your family You just got there from church They sit this guy with blue clothes on next to you And a fucking comb with $35 I need this shit in my life Oh I'm fucking high tonight

I gotta be honest I love it, I even had a cocktail. That's how fucking high I am. That doctor's payback for what you did to me on Sunday. What doctor's fucking payback? Why? Because you had me at the coffee shop for like an hour and a half talking about all the things I had to do,

like stick a finger up their ass, and then they have to stick a finger up my ass and maybe punch them in the kidney and what the fuck are you talking about? No one else does that. This girl has the right response to it. No one wants to eat ass. I don't understand that at all.

Listen, listen, listen, relax. I'm eating a fucking cupcake, all right? You're making me sick and disgusted with all this eating ass shit. You want to eat ass? Do it on your time, you little fuck, all right? I don't want to do it. I'm enjoying a tremendous cupcake,

and you're talking about disgusting topics, you fucking little Jew dirty fuck, you cock sucker. You probably... I was in a time he probably ran the porno division at Auschwitz. There's nothing I can say now. Oh my God. See why you got to smoke reef of people? If they tested me for marijuana as a comic, I'd fail.

Like, I would never be allowed. You got too much marijuana in your system to be a comedian and you're going to be too fucking funny. That's when you know it's good when you crack yourself up. That's the kind of joke I'm driving at the 101 by myself falling asleep. You ever been to that point? You're falling asleep. And also you're thinking,

he ran the Plano Division at Auschwitz. Where do I come up with this shit? I got to pull over. I like how there's a whole division, too. It's not just one guy. Like, there's a whole team of people doing it. You're a filthy fuck. You know that?

Because Lee has the problem. Listen, this is my point with fucking Lee, okay? Lee's like my science project. Remember Frankenstein? Thank you so much. Okay, I'm trying to break it down, he's a 24-year-old guy. Listen, there's nobody who had more phobias

or nobody who had more hang-ups. about anything than I did. I told the story about I was at my friend's house when I was 16 with a girl that was 18 and she was a professional dick sucker. Okay, in high school, listen, when you find a professional dick sucker at 27, that's great. She's a professional dick sucker at 27. Wow, she did something with her life.

But when you meet a professional dick sucker at like fucking 16, that's amazing. So I met this girl, I knew her, the name was Darcy. I knew I grew up with her. She took the stats of the fucking football team And one day we're in the corner This girl took my dick out And went to suck it

And I almost had a heart attack I turned red I started crying like a little girl and shit Because at that age If a girl sucked my dick She was the devil's daughter I didn't want nothing to do it I swear to God

That's how fucked up Cocked up school Fucked me up when I was a kid The first time some chick Some chick sucked my dick In a massage partner It came on her hair She said come on my hair

What the fuck are you talking about You're Satan's daughter Fuck you dirty bitch I had to go home and wash my dick on alcohol and shit like that. I swear to God, I'm a fucking, like a little, what do you call that shit, prude? I'm fucking prudish. Like I'll tell, like you, I'll tell you, I want to see your pussy and shit like that, because I'm a pig.

Because I'm a pig, you're a beautiful girl. But if you came up here and said Chubby, take a look at this fucking monkey, you'll have to dial 9-1-1. I just fucking faint. You follow me? Every time a guy comes up and he says, you're beautiful. You say, look at these fucking tities. They'll fuck, ooh-o-ah.

So I'm a big of prude than he is. than he is, but I know it don't get you nowhere. It don't get you. Like, the first time a chick said, pull my hair, it took me an hour. Like, I wanted to, like, I can't pull your hair. Like, she's a dirty fucking animal. This is how she gets off.

You want you to pull her hair. You know, like, when you fucking pull it. I couldn't do that to a girl. And then I dated a girl that wanted me to punch you in the face. That's a complete different thing. And she would say, punch me in the fucking face. I couldn't do it. I couldn't fucking do it.

I would tap her, like a fag and shit. Like, I can't do it. I couldn't do it. And one night she got up and punched me in the fucking face. Now, how do you like it, fat mother? You fucking her. Bam, now we were on. And after that, she took it in the air.

She did somersoft. Some chicks like when you fucking choke them. Listen, how you like that shit? You know, I go to kickboxing. There's this chick that you do rounds with. And whenever you do rounds with, you punch you in the head, she gets kind of goofy. She starts looking at your dick and shit.

You can see, she's like 50. She's like one of those old cougars. She's a real cougar. Not those 40-year-old horrors that call yourself cougars and shit. When you're 57, that's when you're a cougar. when you got one foot in a gray, one of banana peel. And you gotta wear stockings for optical illusion. You know what I'm saying?

You ever take a chick home? She got stockings on. You know there's gonna be drama when she takes those motherfuckers off. And if there isn't, the legs are hot, but the pussy's all squashed in. It's like a burger. You know what I'm saying?

It's like a burglar issue. He's all. But I was prude, like him. I was a prude. And I couldn't hold the girlfriend because I would eat pussy, but not really. You know what I'm saying? I wouldn't pull them.

pussy hairs and punch it. The first time somebody said stick a finger up my ass, that's disgusting. Are you kidding me? I'm going to put a finger up your fucking ass? That's fucking filthy. But then when I was 19, I did it in a chick that was 29. That bitch broke it down for me. She would

stretch her pussy out, put my head in it, and just make me do things. And it was perversion but that God she did it because it made me who I am today. You understand? Thank God she made me eat her asshole from behind. You know how traumatizing that is? When you look at a girl asshole and you gotta go for broke.

Because you want a girl that kind of gets surprised. Then the next morning and said, this chubby motherfucker ate my ass. This guy, this guy's all business. He ain't fucking around. You know, he pulled my head. He came on my neck. He called me a dirty whore. He picked me up by my pussy hoobs.

And you know, when you pick that bitch up and suck my dick, you dirty motherfucker. And it seems dirty, but that's what you need to do. And that's what I'm trying to help Lee with. Yeah. I don't want you. I don't want you guys to think that I booed. him. I'm just trying to help him to the next girlfriend he gets he tormentsa.

Ladies, tell him. A guy can be really sweet to you, whatever, but you want that ex-con boyfriend that calls you a fucking dirty whore and cheats on you and hit you this face with the cock. And that's what I'm trying to make him. An ex-felon computer guy, you know what I'm saying? Like, you have like a little tattoo fucking, you know,

Google on his fucking arm. Oh my God. You like that one, Google. I just like that. And that's it, so I'm not trying to make Lee into a pervert. Yes, you are? Yes, I am. You're right, yes, I am.

But I know that's going to make you a better man later on. You're going to eat ass and stab bitches and, you know. Right? You're a pretty girl. You want a guy to be nice to you? Or you want a got to be dirty to you from time to time. Pull your hair and shit like that. There you go.

See? All right. Anybody here want to date Lee? Take him on a date one night and put that fucking sour pussy in this. face, take him to the near, he could pull him on America. Can you imagine taking him Lee home and putting that little pussy in his face? He would die. No, it wouldn't. I just don't want to eat ass. Shut the fuck up, cop, sump that. Yes, you would. He starts stuttering and hummering and shit. I would love it. I would love to see a tape with some girl let him take

him out and shit. Lee, let's go back to your house and watch play checkers and shit, whatever. And you tell him, hold on, you'll get the game of life and you come out balls ass naked with a fucking knife and you take a computer and break it and jump on it a thousand times and watch and turn pale, then you put that little fucking swamp pussy in his face. I would pay to see his little Jew

forehead just light up and shit. The Yamika starts spinning right to fuck off. I don't know how I feel about you wanting to watch my sex tape. That's a little weird. Not the whole sex tape. First of all, they ain't going to be a sex tape. Once he puts the pussy in the face, that's the drama. I don't want it. You're going to be...

You're giving me... I got to do a podcast. I can't. Get the fuck out of here, Cuck, sucker. That's what we're trying to do. We're trying to break that mold fee so you don't have to wait till you're dirty five like I did. If I were to fucking listen, I would have beautiful women, but I fucked around. I didn't want to eat their ass and spit their mouth. I didn't want to do disgusting things like that. I used to have a chick that used to tell me he's spitting her mouth. I couldn't do it. I can't spit in somebody's mouth. I'll spit your back. I'll spit your face, but spit your mouth. That's disgusting. Anyway, we got a great fucking

guest tonight. My brother, Mr. Burke Chrys and shit. Take a cupcake. I can't. I'm trying to lose weight. Take a cupcake. Trying to join into this conversation is like hopscotching in prison. This is the most insane

game of double dutch I've ever fucking walked into. I don't know where to start. I got a finger on my ass one time. Really? Do you like it? Yeah, no. I fell off an aircraft carrier and with shit in blood. So, yeah. Because of the finger in the ass or afterwards? No, I felt an aircraft carrier and was shitting blood

and I ignored it like a real man. I took some Vicodins and some whiskey. I didn't know it was leaking through my pants though. And I sat on my wife's white couch and Liam fucking lit up. What the fuck? I was like, listen, if this this is how you're going to treat our daughters when they get their period, we should

talk. Was she more mad about the couch or the fact that you didn't go to the doctor? She was mad about the couch. And then she made me go to the doctor and yeah, I had the finger in the ass. He made me lay it on my side too. He told me to get naked. I didn't know there was a A gown. That little piece of paper is a gown.

I got fucking naked. I took my watch off, my necklace. He didn't even tell me to get naked. He just said, dropped your fucking fan. The best part of that story, Joey, that you told me in the car right over? You totally left out was that when the doctor, when you got naked, the doctor goes, you know, there's toilet paper on your dick. He did.

I had toilet paper on my dick. Because I got the turtleneck. I'm conscientious. I don't want it to drip off the turtleneck. Sometimes you get that last bead that holds on a bead. Like his dick cut itself shaving? I literally started hitting his car so far and I thought his airbag was going to come out. He's looking at his squeezing all of a sudden he goes,

you know he got toilet paper down here. I went to pee and had to clean off the helmet and I want to, I didn't want to dangling there. Some fucking blast pee drop. That's the best part about you is the funniest shit you say is the stuff you don't remember. I don't. I fucking don't. I really don't. He told me a story one time. He goes, like, okay, this is my. Now, you got to really know Joey, okay, to get this impression. This is Joey, okay? Joey will be high, and he'll be staring off and looking about something, and you'll be talking about dogs. And all of a sudden, they'll go, dog, dog.

And he'll joke in with his own story, we were talking about dogs. And he goes, when I first came from Cuba, I got bit by dog six times my first week. do you remember he goes Bert it was so bad that a dog walked past me on the street and then came back to bite me

no you're never going to find that in his act that's just him hanging out it was the fucking the greatest things they're like moments

where like I told we were in the other room with Joe and Tommy Buns and Joey left to start this and I told them the toilet paper

on your dick story I go Joey told me in the car it's the fucking greatest I would love to have seen you lose your virginity. I don't know when I... I try to think about when I did it. I don't really know when I lost my virginity

because I lost it so many times. That's what I was. I used to get a Sacred Heart school for boys. And my mother was partner with Nelson Rivera. He was a Puerto Rican kid. He was married to Delilah, and they used to make lasagna. And I used to stay at their house. But he had a daughter named Evie

who was from a marriage previously. And Evey was probably two years old. older than I was. And on Saturday mornings before cartoons would come on, they would let her sleep on the outside couch, a ping-pang-boom. Whatever the fuck you call it. The shit you pull out of the couch. Fouton? The Ful-Tong. The ping-pong?

Yeah, in 19th... In 1970 they called them fucking futons. The ping-pank. They called her. Pull the bed out of the fucking couch. That's what they called it. This is my impression of Joey shopping for furniture in the 80s. I want the ping-pang-poon. You know what I want. Give me the fucking... Just the fucking ping-pank-poo!

So, so. So. we would wake up on Saturday mornings like at five before everybody else and she would show me a pussy and she had tons of fucking hair on a pussy tons we were like pseudo cousins which meant we could fuck even though she was two years old

I mean so I think I fucked her she made me fuck her a couple times nothing happened I have one question did you name your cat after the girl you lost your virginity too no no no but I don't know if I lost my

that's what I'm saying I don't know she bled or I bled I don't remember I passed out Then another time I had this other girl My other cousin in Miami And I fucked around with her And I remember I fucked her like on a Tuesday And Wednesday when I was breaking into a room

To check her stomach To see if she was pregnant That's how fucking stupid I was I think I was about 11 at that fucking point She's showing two days in Yeah, oh, it was fucking crazy Then the seventh grade, the first time Because I got left back like a fucking idiot

I used to dry hump this chick again So I lose my brain Virginia was dry hump and I cracked a load or I think I used to, that's all I did with her. He used to dry hump up from 305 to about 535. Every day to Earthwin and fire can I love. Over and

over and over and over and over. I get up mid hump and put the album back the fuck in the beginning. Dry humping was funny. Dry humping was a lot of fun. Then she took her shirt off and that was a different level. That was a different, dry humping without a top on. That was a different fucking level. hair on vaginas. I'll say vaginas to try to class it up.

I remember the first time I saw hair on a vagina, I'm not going to say her name. Jennifer Stevens, I'll say it. And we were at the beach, and she sat weird, and her bikini bottoms kind of moved over to the side, and I saw it, and my dick was like, we're up, we're here. Like, literally, like a fireman,

when the, oh, here we go, here we go! And I remember I was like, and then all of a sudden, like, in college, that shit became, like not cool and you wanted everyone shaved. Now I'm going old school. I like a little hair. Oh, I love it with a lot of hair.

Yeah. I love that old fucking school. A lot of hair. Loose, fucking untamed. I trip my shit. Give me that fucking feeling like something happened, like something. You know, I can't even eat pussy

when you come out of the shower. That's not real pussy. It's like Irish spring pussy. It's too cool. I like a little something. You got to walk a mile or something. You want to have to fight the cat for the pussy? Yeah, I love that shit.

I can't start. I like eating pussy, but when you come out of the shower, it's too easy. It's like, yeah, anybody can do that shit. Wash your pussy and eat it. Let me see your fucking run a two miles and eat that shit. It's got that little fucking gyro flavor to it. You know what I'm saying? That little onion is on fire.

I love all that shit. I love all that shit. I love it. What's that? You have so many random rules about nothing. Like, you have rules for stuff that doesn't matter and no one thinks about. Like rules. Like, why wouldn't you want to have it when it tastes clean?

Because it's disgusting. It's too. It's too premeditated. Fucking shouldn't be premeditated. If you light a candle, you can suck my dick. That's not, you know what I'm saying? I want you to knock the candle over and cause a fire while you're fucking.

I don't like that shit. I really don't. It's a sanitization of sex. It's the same thing that goes on with porn and you watch a porn and it's lit properly and the girl's tight and her tits are fake and her hair is super blonde and she looks in the camera and goes, oh, fuck this pussy.

And you're like, that doesn't happen to me. I want a girl who's got to. a head cold while she's blowing you. You know, like, real shit is all... Like, I'd rather see five seconds of video you shot on your cell phone of you fucking someone than, like, 22 minutes of, like...

No offense, Brie Olsen's... It's like an edited podcast. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's like a real cut-up podcast. I'm not saying you sent her to the shower, but, like, when you wake up in the morning and they come out of the shower...

No, no, no. I like it when you wake up in the morning. Yeah. And that pussy marinates overnight after a shower. That's a different story. If she washes the pussy after work, and then lays down, farts a couple times at night. It gets hot in the room so she has to scratch your pussy.

In the morning, you could feel that. You could feel that in a fucking room. Like me, for example. Joey wants a pussy that yawns. Yeah, I want to ride. You know, me, for example, I scratch my balls. I don't want to inflict this on anybody. You always want to wash this area on me, no matter what.

Even if I came out of the shower, going there one more time for good luck. You follow me, but this is me. That's why I take eight showers because I would hate to open my legs and smell like ass. That's just me. You know, that's disgusting.

And a guy or fucking, but a woman that's better. I don't want rotten ass. I don't want rotten ass. I don't want you to take a shit and come with you. No. But I don't mind if you ran a couple miles

and you went to the gym, it's primitive. That's tremendous right there. It's got that weighing to it. You washed it before the gym. Don't get me wrong. It's like you walked around from here to fucking Hollywood.

No, that's too far. I would fucking walk. That's eight or nine. miles. I'm talking three, four miles. So it just has the patois enough of it. You follow me? It's like pizza. It's better the next day. That's right. But if you let it stay too long, you can't.

It's too crusty. I don't think the same thing works. The same thing don't work for dick. I think it stinks. My dick stinks. Everything down there stinks. Even if it don't stink. It stinks. Even if I come out of the shower and I scratch my balls, it smells. It smells like a bag. I don't like it.

I like that smell of my own balls. No, I don't like it. You don't ever play with your balls all day long and just... Oh, at night. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At night when nobody's around. Yeah. And you open your pants, you unzip them,

and you take your nutsack out over the pants. But when you get older, you get these itches. You get these little pockets of fucking itch under your nutsack and you get in there with the fucking nail. When your balls have been in your pants so long that when you take your pants off, your dick goes, oh. Yeah.

Oh, thank you. I got a microscope on my fucking coffee table, so I can put my fucking. finger under it and see the DNA of the stink finger that's how much and I just sit there and sniff each because we love it

we really love our own smell women would never do that you'll never see a woman scratching her pussy watching like the mentalist like just scratching women got classed you know what I'm saying watching the mentalist but if I was a single woman I would scratch my snatch in public right fucking at a bar fuck it I would

just scream the guy sees you scratching your pussy right away he's like look at that bitch She's, that bitch went to war at one part of her life. I wasn't going to give her a shot. I didn't like her shoes, but before she's scratching, she probably had crabs on men. You know crabs is going away? We want the element of danger.

We all, even women like the element of danger. That's why Lucy Snorberts didn't call the cops when I ate her pussy. That's why that worked. Because it worked and it will always work. If you knock on a woman's glass and say, I'm here with flowers, fuck you. Yeah. Right? Like, what happened?

Did you know about the Lucy Snorba story? When I just broke into a window, ate her pussy, and left. Unaquil-Lew-Lew-Lew-Lew. On-A-Lu-Lut. A woman appreciates that. Think about it. You're sleeping. Yeah, but you also have, like, your entire yearbook

that won't be your friend on Facebook. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck about friends? You know what I'm saying? I got burnt and I got you. Who is a fuck? About some fucking sixth grade I fucked around with. I've never laughed harder than when you told me that story.

Because he said it so matter of factly. It was. It was. It was a matter of fact. Exactly, I was horned up and I knew that at that time I didn't know for sure, but I'm like, my friend told me he used to pull her hair and do all. Not the same girl, but like the element of danger. Women like the elephant of danger.

If you go home tonight, you're woman sleeping and you're not going to dawn. Who's there? Chubby Lapewue. Chubby Lapewes. Who's that? You know who the fuck it is, bitch? But you can play that game. You know what I'm saying?

It's role reversal. Whatever fuck they do. I don't do that shit. But some women like that. And that's why I got away with that because it was exciting. some guy you see some guy crawl into your fucking curtains usually you want him to

and in the back of your mind you're thinking he's gonna fucking rape you and come on your neck and shoot your family but all he does just pull your legs off takes your panties eat your pussy when you hear the when you hear that you'll watch the exorcist's next time

is on watch the unplugged one when she eats the pussy and you can hear the mother going and then she pins up and she smacks her in a fucking face I'm so lost right now I didn't eat no space cakes and I think I did.

I'll tell you what, so am I, I'm pretty fucking high right now. I don't even know how this happened. We start talking about the exesies. What the fuck? Literally, that was like Tarzan swinging from Vine to Vine and then ended up in Central Park. He's like, what the fuck?

That was a fucking, that was an interesting. The point is, women want the enemy of success. Women want the element of a little bit of fear. Not that you, you know, you're going to stab them. but you want to come in a

I see what you're saying you're saying you gotta keep it fresh and you can't let it get boring that's where I am I'm in the boring part of sex with my wife but you've been married how long 10 years? Yeah now you got a stab her yeah I wonder I gotta shoot her one night like you dirty bitch and shoot her

and when she comes back from the hospital she's looking at you and says that was the most romantic thing you've ever done shoot me nobody's ever shot me before that's why I love you bitch I smacked her sounds weird talking about sex

I'd talk about it on stage but it's weird to talk to Joey about it because he knows Leiam so it's like I love it I love it I tell the story and he's a fucking mom

I can never see Bert fucking Leanne because she's a mom she's a mom there's a hot lady and then become a mom and moms are the sexiest fucking things in the world

when you're waiting on a light and you see a mom walking her kid to school she got some yoga pants on that pussy is on fire right there she just came

from making pancakes, she's a little angry, you know what I'm saying? That hanger goes into the pussy, the whole patois. Now she's got to walk the kid. He left his fucking cookies at home. He's half retarded. She's got to walk back. You see, she's pulling his fucking arm on the way to the school. You're a little fuck.

I should be home right now. Masturbating to the view. Masturbating to the view. So, Joe, what's your opening? If you weren't married, what would your opening line be to a mom? Like, right now. I would never hit on a fucking mom. Why not?

You just said it would be the best. Would you want me fucking your mom? No, but... It's a good question. Answer the question. When you were 8 years old, would you like to sit me on your couch? Answer the question.

Scratching my nuts. Sniffing my fingers and shit. Going, hey, kid, come on over here. I bet there's a lot of 14-year-olds that would be so excited that they found you sleeping on their mom's couch. They're going to fuck cuckos here? Ma, you're the fucking bad.

You fuck cuckooie? Yeah! But, you know, how can you hit on a mom? How can I hit on a kid on a lady with a kid? He's just saying that they're hot. He's not saying he's not saying he's going to go fuck them. No, they're hot. So when you're a younger,

Would you hook up with the girls who had a kid? Fuck, no. Really? I was paranoid. I don't like none of that shit. What do you think I had a choice league? Yeah. You think I'd wake up and I can go, tonight?

I'm going to hook up with a chick with a kid. No, I got to take what they're giving. I met a fucking chick with one leg in fucking Idaho. I had to take it. No, she was Indian. She was American Indian. I was just thinking about this last night. I swear to God, I was at the laugh factory last night.

And some chick got out, and she was talking to the guy. She goes, she's an Indian. And I was looking at him, like, wow, this girl's pretty. And all of a sudden, I'm like, wow, I almost fucked an Indian girl one night. And I hadn't been late in about a year, and I was in Twin Falls, Idaho. Okay, and I had just gotten arrested for shoplifting. Not shoplifting. I hit the kid in the head with a tray of food.

What happened was Twin Falls had two comedy rooms opposite weeks. So one night the comedy room was on Wednesday at one bar, and the other night it was on Thursday, another bar. I got into a fight with a heckler on that thing. I hit him with Chinese food at the ball. And they arrested him, the true story. I hit him with a fucking egg roll when the cops came. He was taking the cauliflower out of his fucking hair.

So they put me in jail until a quarter nine and let me out. And I had to go do comedy at this other bar. And I swear to God, there's a creepy fucking story. But I'll tell you people because you're creepy anyway. I'm dancing, right? I hadn't been with a woman. I was divorced. I was cracked.

And I hadn't been with a woman. And also this Indian girl. Fucking hot. Not with the dot, but the other one with her. And I never forget. She had Daisy Duke shorts. And I'm like, wow. It's 1999.

This bitch got Daisy Duke shorts. I'm in. And you only in one leg? Huh? No, no, I'm just kidding. Oh, okay. So we're dancing, shit, you know, we're dancing, whatever, I don't know,

whatever the fuck we're dancing. And we start getting close, you know, when you dance, you start rubbing like Rian and hopping hips and shit. And next you know, I'm feeling her titties, I'm feeling her pussy and shit. And you know me, I haven't been laid. So I go, fuck it, I'm going to dip my hand into her shorts.

I'm just going to stick my hoof into her fucking shorts through the Daisy Dukes. Was that a fucking mistake? Oh, fuck. Must I finish it or we're just gonna leave it there? There's so many different options. Like there's so many different things that could have happened. I feel like this is dangango.

Finish it, kill it. You know me, I got it like against the corner. I'm choking it, right? I got my, no, I'm not. I'm just kidding. I'm dancing. And all of a sudden we connect and I put my hand on the skirt.

She turns around. Like, so she can look. She's on a lookout while I'm fingering on the dance floor. This is perfect. So I stick my hand and it was like gooey. It was really fucked up, right? I don't even know why I'm telling you, motherfucker, this story, because I'm getting sick just telling you,

motherfucker's this story. I would have never ate the cupcake. Now it fucked it up. Now I got hot burning shit, right? And I never forget it was like gooey, and I didn't know what it was. I'm like, oh, fuck, I got myself in trouble. Oh, I know what it was. Yes.

Someone had a, is, you on a period? No. Oh, it would have been, shut up and you came out. It was like a fucking yeast infection. Oh, right, that's the end of that story. I looked at my hand, like, right? I grabbed it like I fingered somebody but I was gonna do the opposite

I was gonna run to the bathroom and boil my fucking hand it was horrible and I just ran out of there and I couldn't even jerk off for like a week with that hand I was like looking all right no fuck no I like the story so much better when I thought she had one leg with Daisy Duke yeah that's what I thought I was like the confidence

of this fucking chick to post up on the dance floor with one leg and Daisy Dukes just hopping around thank God you can shut your fucking memory off what you do when you're drunk and shit like that when you're young because you really are disgusting we really are all disgusting fucking people

at one time or another and we wake up and you know what I'm 50 and I still think of that story and go oh god almighty like nobody I didn't have to tell you people I could have kept it in my own disgust file in my brain

but you can't you have to tell somebody if not it eats away at you like every once a fucking month I'll think of me fingering that fucking Indian girl and what does she feel like today that's what you think about Like, he stuck his hand up my fucking yank and I had fucking, you know. Anyway, I'm sorry.

You know, you got to think. So please, you know, you think about this shit. Even when you get older, you're like, what the fuck did I do when I was 28? I fingered this poor fucking girl at a bar. How disgusting is that? What were you thinking? Which would have been worse for you? That or if it was period and there was blood on your hand?

Shut the fuck up. I just had a strawberry cupcake, you disgusting savage. All that stuff is disgusting. You know, just doing that in the bar. That's disgusting. I think about that shit now. It seems chic then. What's crazy is how willing all of us are to do that

and let that get done to us by someone we really don't know. But it's really hard to make a friend. Like you're willing to let someone put stuff in your body that you don't know. But if they were like, hey, do you want to see a movie tomorrow? You're like, uh, back off, asshole. Like, it's like, because we became friends. at a late age in both of us. Like I was 40.

I think I just, no, I just, right before I turned 40, and we kind of met through Joe, and then we became friends. But that friendship period, the courting of friendship is awkward. Yeah.

It's like, I remember, but you didn't have it. You were like, let's go up coffee. And I was like, okay, I guess we're gonna hang out. And then we hung out. And then we did that every fucking day for a month.

And then by the end of the month, I was like, I need Joey. Like, I call you up. Hey, man, what's going on? Let's go get some coffee. Yeah, it's like, You know, I think people put too much stress on a friendship. It's too rough.

Like everything, like Americans, we make everything harder than what it is. To leave a trail of paperwork or whatever, let's do this. What the fuck? You're going to be friends. Let's be fucking friends. Let's go live some ways. Let's go do something that we have a story. That's how you become friends with somebody.

You want to become friends with somebody? You know, when you see somebody eight years ago and you're like, remember that night, bro, we tied up those chicks and shit. You know, that's how you become friends with somebody. You know, girls, you fucking girls, I see how you become friends. You're goofy motherfuckers. You meet a girl at the mall, and she's your best friend in ten minutes. I've never seen that shit.

But then she's so cool, you met her for ten fucking minutes, you fucking moron. All right, relax. But, you know, we knew because we had mutual friends. So you know, what you like, listen, let's be honest. All right, let's cut it out. You know when you see somebody, we judge them automatically. We tell people we don't like the judge We're all hypocrites

We all judge as fast as we can And sometimes we go Look at that black motherfucker You know Or look at that Chinese motherfucker Whatever the fuck we say to ourselves We always And but you know who you could be friends with

That's why people come up to me Go what's that fucking guy that did I'm just using this It's just If you can't tell David Spade is a dick Shame on you Shame on you If you think David Spade's a good guy

You're a fucking idiot Okay he's a scumbag, okay? You know what I'm telling you as an American here? What's the other fucking guy? Bank heist. The guy, Ben Stiller. Ben Stiller.

If you can't tell he's a cunt. If you can't tell Ben Stiller's a cunt. I'm looking at him. Then you got a fucking problem. What's wrong with Ben Stiller? He's a cunt. You can tell that he's a cunt. Like if you met him, he'd be a cunt.

Would you like a cupcake? No, no. I'm a gluten-free cupcake. You don't need to tell me that. You know those fucking jerk-offs? Oh, no, no, I don't eat sugar because just eat the fucking cupcake, you fucking cunt. And stop trying to be somebody, you fucking eat. But we give those people light as Americans who in other countries we bit-slapped them.

Like, who the fuck you think you're talking to? Look at that fucking little Cuban faggot that they bit-slap. What's his name? The guy that was the Perez. No, Perez, the fucking. Perez Hilton. Perez Hilton. When fucking I am.

Yeah, I am, whatever. The guy from the fucking, yeah. What's that fucking idiot? from, uh, Will I Am. What's his name? Will I Am smacks you, go shoot yourself and your mother for having you.

Shoot your mother first and shoot yourself in the head. Because your mother fucked up. If you let Will I.m. smack you in the fucking face. That's a bona fagotoy. That doesn't even know he's black and doesn't want to be fucking black. And he's never been black in his whole fucking life with his little fucking haircut.

Because if he had one black cousin, he said, what the fuck is wrong with you? You black motherfucker. with your little Martian boots on. You're black, get your shit together. And leave the skateboard at home, motherfucker. You're fucking black, bitch. I'm sick and tired of people.

If you can't tell these people are fucking douchebags. In their Brad Pitt is a cool motherfucker. He smokes weed, that's a bad motherfucker. He told Jennifer Anderson, you don't want to suck my dick. I'll find somebody who will. Okay?

You want to play that friend? shit, I get a myriad episode, I'll get that bitch. You know what, you know what engineer Joe Leal let you do to her world? She'll let you stab or drink her blood and put in her ass on and she'll have her own fucking period. That's the nasty motherfucker she is. Are you kidding me, Jennifer Anna? I have great friends.

Well, that bitch went over, shot that movie and never came back. Fuck you with your dead blow job. You don't want to grab my dick. You make a, you're the fucking dirty fucking white bitch with freckles. Get it together. Fucking dummies. And we fall for that shit. As Americans, because nobody really wants to tell them,

you're a fucking scumbag. You know, if I was one of these PAs on these movie set and Ben Stiller told me, no, I don't eat cupcakes because the white sugar metabolizes in your lungs. I would take that and shove the fucking cupcake up his ass for $8 an hour. But in America, we've become fucking pussies, and we can't tell somebody, we can't tell us to somebody

what the fuck is really going on with them. I see half these motherfuckers on TV and you can tell that you would tell them you know what suck my dick and they will look at you weird you know why because nobody's ever told them that nobody's ever told them that they're scared to lose their job or they're scared like who the fuck of these fucking people to fucking act this way

but if you can't tell Ben Stiller's a cunt then you gotta get your shit together David Spade's assistant broke into his house one night and tased him if you can't tell David Spade's a cunt Okay? All right, listen, I'll tell you what, I got $18 in my pocket.

I'll go to the ATM, I'll give you $500. Give me the last thing, David Space said that was funny. I got all night. I'll fucking wait. I'll fucking wait. I'll fucking wait. You stupid motherfuckers? Me and the last joke.

Gene Garofalo said that was funny. I'll fucking wait. I'll fucking wait. What about Sanja Bernhard? Ha, ha, ha. I'll fucking wait. You fucking phonies. They never saw a funny fucking thing in their life.

It's time. It's time to tell these motherfuckers, suck my dick. Jesus. Wow. Wait, when was the last thing? David Spade said that was funny. I'll fucking wait. Then I bite his law a fucking drink.

Nothing. What was Tommy boy? Tommy, really? And he's still on fucking TV? He's still on fucking TV. And I'm at home with a fucking kid. and my fourth of your own wife I'm about the choke

that was that's what's called inspired you've been holding that one in for a while huh the cupcake brought it out of me name of here Cupcake Kathy

if you want to have this you're welcome and my man Jonathan for hooking me up and shit like that the sugar went right to my fucking brain I mixed it with the TAC thank you very much

but it's true We wake up in the morning and what's the first Google thing on Google? First, uh, Kim Kardashian. Let me ask you something. Wasn't there a doctor yesterday that saved some fucking kid who had leukemia that's more important than Kim Kardashian? Why is she the number one trending fucking bitch in the world? There's a nurse that must have saved some woman who got raped last night in Chicago

in the middle of the fucking night. There's a nurse that probably dragged a kid in from an emergency room that got shot over a fucking night. Why is Kim Kardashian trending number one? Ask yourself Next time you're looking at Google Next time you're watching Kim And that fucking sister

And I watch the show too Listen nobody wants You know I don't want to fuck the chubby one or Kim I want to fuck the sister with the two kids The fucking tall one? Yeah no the little one Because she's a fuck that dude's a fag

He's a fag What's his name with the scarf around them I'll take that fucking scarf And scramble him like an an Anaconda fucking snake I can make that guy suck my dick in calabasas. If I see him, I can give him the fag and look like... And while I got him in now, I'll make him suck my dick

and I'll throw a beating on him, old school. Because I'm 50. Who gives a fuck if somebody sucks my dick? What are you going to call me a fag? I don't give a fuck. I'm 50. All right, when you're 50, you should have had a blowjob from a guy at one point in your life to see where you stand.

You follow me? I'm in. I'm fucking no. Are you kidding me? watching this like you guys are. I'm sorry. Don't forget. I enjoy it too. I enjoy watching Joey fucking... I get emotional. I got emotional.

I got emotional. I'm serious. I'm like Whitney in 87. I'm emotional. I'm emotional. I get so emotional, baby. But it's true. We got to fucking reprioritize. We got to... If not, Dong Jong is going to strike on us. Kim Jong... Not Kim Jong from the fucking uncle, the guy in Korea with the bombs and shit. The futon? No, the fucking...

The guy that's going fucking nuts. I mean, listen, you know, I said something on the podcast the other day that I was scared that, you know, tonight, we could be... I mean, guys, we could be sitting here

right now and a bomb could fucking go off. Did you think about that shit? And this is everywhere we go. Every time I'm in fucking routes, I look around now. You know? I mean, if I was a terrorist, that's the first place I blow up on a Friday.

Not Thursday because it's double coupon day. Friday. Fuck it. I ain't. blowing up no Jews. That's a complete different thing. You go to the one on Thursday up in Sherman Oaks. How many Jews up to one on... Oh, you go to the one on

cold water and fucking Magnolia. On a Thursday about 1 o'clock, that's Kingdom of the Jews in there. That's the little Jerusalem there. They got fucking hats and sandals and cloaks and shit. Half of them are carrying a crucifix in there. They don't give a fuck, Jack. They're going in there and get the daily specials. They got boxes of coupons.

God, I dare you to blow up wraps on the fucking Thursday. I fucking dare you I dare you I double day you to blow up fucking rouse and Beverly down there by Juville down there where they walk around with the sandals and the yarmacas and the strings I dare you to blow up Jewville

if you got the balls motherfucker what was I talking about I don't know I think about how you know and you got a fucking you know can you imagine this could happen at Disneyland people all right look there's silence in the

fucking room this could happen at SeaWorld this summer. This could just fucking happen, man. This is the society we're living in. This could happen to the fucking UFC. This could happen in a car wash. It happened to the fucking race last week. That's it. That's it.

Remember when you thought carrying a gun and a knife was cool? That fucking idea went out the window. Oh, you're a blackbell, jujitsu. You might as well suck my dick now. Unless you can fucking arm bar a bomb. Unless you can arm bar a bomb. Unless you're going to fucking. Arm bar a bomb. You're in no danger. I bought a bomb last week. I'm done.

Fuck the guns. I gave the guns back. Fuck it. I went down to L.A. They gave me $1.75. Fuck it. I'm happy. I got a box of fertilize in the trunk right now. I'm getting bombed. I don't give a fuck. I'm wrapping myself up with bombs.

As soon as I hear a bomb, I'm throwing my fucking bombs. Fuck it. No more bullshit in my world. I got a bunch of bombs right now. I got cat litter in the fucking car right now. Fuck you motherfuckers. I'm sick and tired of shit. A fucking gun.

That's it. A gun is done. Now they took our guns. Now we got nothing. Now we got to sit and get blown up with no fucking weapons. Fuck you.

I'm going out with a canteen filled with fucking explosives from now on. Wait till you see my motherfucking utility belt. Bombs, weaf and rolling paper. Just the case... Because I don't give a fuck.

As long as I got a fucking torso and in one arm, I can roll a fucking joint on the floor. Why, they're waiting for me at Ralphs. I don't give a fuck. You think I'm kidding you. Fucking I witness. with being now being the floor,

fucked up. I'm getting my own bombs. That's it, motherfucker. I'm done. Holy shit. There's nowhere to take this right now. Right now, I'm literally like, I feel like I'm listening to a podcast.

Get a fucking bomb. That's what I'm warning. All right. I feel really bad for the guy who's like, oh, I just got this cool speaker that attaches this to my iPhone. Let me play this at work. And Joe's going, get a bomb, motherfucker. He's like, oh shit, Joey. I just hope that David Spade

listens to this. And he's like, and he's like, he's like, hey, what did I do? You just suck my dick. Stupid motherfucker. I'm sick of these fucking dummies. He's thinking like they did something.

Like we did something. What the fuck did you do? What we do is hard, ladies and gentlemen. You know, you're not out of watching Inside Comedy with Robert Schimel. And all my life, I was telling me that I felt embarrassed about being a dirty comic. But I'm not lying when I'm doing comedy.

At least I'm talking about what's in my fucking heart in my head. You know, I'm not trying to be intelligent. I'm not trying to be a scientist or something. I'm not, you know? What the fuck was I talking about? About rubber simble. Rubber Simmel. Rubber Simmel.

And I watched Inside Comedy. And I watched Inside Comedy. It's hard to do dirty comedy, you know? And you know what, man? Let me tell you something. Somebody told me this once. You know who told me this? Vinny Curto.

Vinny Curto was a guy that I fuck with on a constant level. I love him like my. brother he did the last podcast and he was great but vini curdo you know i see him at auditions this is my secret with you guys and i hope viti curdle don't hear this one i'll see vini curdle audition and i'll go vini come here go what's up joey i go did you hear the new movie corsese he's doing and he'll go no what is that i go the burr christian story and he'll go really who's casting and i'll go lees i'll get a pet i'll come right back and he'll come back and they'll go what's the name of that movie i go the hitler revival and he'll write it down and he'll go who's the director

John fucking Forsythe. And I just keep giving him name because he's a boxer. So he keeps forgetting. He'll call me when he got home. Joey, what was the name of that movie? Fucking Torah, Torah, Torah.

All right. So dirty comedy. Yeah, thank you. You're fuck. That's what you're here for. You're like a bookmark. That's my job. You know, he said that he once told me,

you know, we were on an audition. I was fucking him. And I said something about an actor. He goes, you know, these fucking actors, all these guys are in the room, they could all suck your dick, Joey. He goes, because at the end of the day, a director says cut and they do it again.

What you do, there ain't no fucking editing. And that was the fucking biggest gift somebody could ever say to me. A fucking guy that can't even think straight. This guy hears a bell every eight minutes and shit. You ever talk to Vinny's talk? Yeah, I know. Did you hear that? I didn't hear nothing, Vinny.

Where'd you go? I missed you, you, sexy motherfucker. I really don't know. I've seen you walk out of there and my heart dropped. I thought you were leaving and shit. I saw she left her cell phone. I actually noticed. I didn't see you even leave.

You were fucking stealth. She's a bad motherfucker. She don't fuck around. That's it. You're married? You got a boyfriend? What are you got? You got kids?

No kids. What are you doing? I'm watching you. No, but what are you doing? You're hustling? What are you doing? I'm hustling. What do you do for work?

I'm a legal assistant. Look at you. See, I know she's a good catch. someone needs to get her pregnant tonight cut the top off your condom wear like a wristband and do it this is this is the but I'm going to say this right now I hate live podcasting

it drives me nuts this is the best live podcast I've ever been a bar house and I would do this I would do this in fucking day because you're really just sitting here enjoying watching Joey and then whenever there's whenever he goes to take a drink of water you get to throw in a joke.

It's fucking, Joe, I'm so, I think we're all, I think all of us, I'll speak for us collectively. We're so blessed to have had you step into all our lives. Oh,

I'm blessed you, motherfucker. You're interesting, man. You fucking kill me, man. You know, it's funny because, you know, we call ourselves

Debt Squad and we fuck around, but it's really interesting to hang out with people that you learn from. You know, I've said it for years, man, you guys, I swear to God,

I'm not a joke thief. I'm an aura thief. Because I take the best from people, and I try to put it together into myself. I take the best from him. I take the best from Lee. I take the best from Joe. And I've done that growing up.

I met all my friends in Jersey. I think crazy. And maybe they did stab somebody one time. Maybe they didn't rub a hookah. But I knew they had a couple qualities that were pretty good. Do you know what I'm saying? Even the one that they stabbed the hookah with, I knew at least they good with a knife. You know what I'm saying?

At least they're good with a knife. But my point is that, you know, that's all you could do this morning me and Lee we were talking about that squad and what it meant you know the people keep putting up these divisions that squire the noise and people like you should call those guys and get money from i don't want no money from nobody i just want you to take care of your health i want you to speak your fucking mind i want you to live how the fuck you want to live and pick up a piece of paper on the floor from time to time you see pollution pick up a little fucking piece of paper because that'll do it's so beautiful i love the pollution a little pollution

a piece of paper pick it up show character That's character. Picking up a piece of paper. That's how it starts. It's like the NBC thing, like the more you know. Yeah, the more you know. How about a hang of the head with fucking Iynegan. Oh, how great would those be?

If Joey did, that's one to grow on, those, like, and that's one to grow on. The more you know, listen, don't put your cash in your wall like a fucking moot. Put your cash in the back and put your wall in the front so you have your ID. Things to know. right right first day in prison punch the biggest guy

right in the fucking mouth things your book what up we did this thing on the podcast about when I first got to Colorado

like I listen when I came from Cuba my first friend was a black dude Jasper Williams I never forget this motherfucker I look at Facebook

every day just see if he popped up because he used to be he lived on 125th Street when being black was being black

okay they hate it white motherfuck what year is this this is 69 and he used to take me to his house and we used to have to walk into the project and I'd be scared shitless and people would say japper

japper why the fuck you bring in that white a buck in this project and he would turn around the age of five and say he ain't white bitch he's Cuban come on and he'd walk right in and we go to his house and he fucking we'd make a sole train line I had never seen that before.

You know, we'd make a soul train line. We had to do the robot shit. And then they took me to the boys club, and we won first prize singing Joe Tex. I gotcha, uh-huh. I mean, fucking the black experience was fucking great. But when I went to prison, the black experience,

sorry for me. Salew! I tell you what? Oh, my God. You start hating black people. You're like, you're like, you're like, shut the fuck up. People.

If I were to noon dinner, if you shut up for five years, they're going to invent cell phones. And you can talk all fucking day. You don't know, when you go to prison, that's when you realize black people could talk for fucking years. Do you understand? They'll talk all fucking night. Yo, you're a mookie. You're mookie. What up, Jay?

What up, Jay? You're moogie. What up, Jay? So, me. Yo, moot! Oh, my God. But the best is the pay phones. They got four pay phones.

And you have to sign up every day for the payphone in prison. So you got it every day from 10 to 1130. Oh, my God. There was black dudes. And then from 10 to 6, you know, you don't have a time. You can stay on it. I would get up like at 5 to jog. And there'd be black people on the phone all night.

Man, where the fuck you been, bitch? I mean, it was fucking ridiculous. Let these women breathe. Who could talk that fucking long? Who could talk that fucking long? I can't talk that long. I'm the type of guy talked to him. Once I get in treatment, I got to go.

And I just hang out. Because I can't, but I'm on the phone this long as something I've got to be doing right now. But black people, when you go to prison, you fucking realize the real black experience and don't get me wrong. If I go to a movie theater, that's where I go. Like, I went to see Rambo at a black movie theater. That'll change your fucking life.

Because black people like the weirdest thing about white people. If you watch Rambo, too, there's a part where he's hiding in the fucking in the hill and there's a Russian guy out of the machine gun walking backwards. Remember he's walking backwards and shit and all of a sudden Rambo opens his eyes

and grabs him and stabs him I never saw black people lose their mind like that I was telling him there's a couple times when black people lose their mind one at Rambo two and the other one Red Lobster

Red lobster on Friday Black people lose That's a different level of blackism They will fucking kill you in the red lobster for one of those pinia colladas. Black women will go crazy for a fucking pinia calada. Go to the one on Wilshire. They're fucking crazy.

On Sundays after church, they barrel in there. It's like Black Friday. You know what I'm saying? And you can see them trying to get in. Like, they're all stuck together. Black people don't give a fuck. They love red lobster, dog. The more you know.

What's that? I said, the more you know. Oh, my God. Look at Lee, cracking fun of these cubs. You just entered top five Joey Diaz quotes for me Which one was it? Going to prison Sowered my black experience

Sowered? That was the fucking greatest Oh Oh I'm so fucking stone I can't believe I can't believe I had the balls To leave the fucking house

Somebody should throw me in jail Put me under the fucking jail What time is it? 945, we gotta go do Joe's thing. I know we gotta get the fuck out of it. This has been, I wanna say, I'm gonna say out loud, I'll fucking do this anytime.

Anytime I'm in town, I'll do this in a heartbeat. And I would also like to point out to anyone listening, anyone listening, there are black women in this room that have been losing their fucking mind at everything Joey's been saying.

They were enjoying it the most. When I said Red Lobster, you fucking literally, almost laughed your wig off. Like, Is that a wig? No. It's not a bad.

Motherfucking wig. It looks cute. Let me tell you something. You know who my favorite? Let me tell you who my... It's a weave? I don't give a fuck. Peruvian, huh? That's high-end shit right there. Oh, it's a Peruvian weave.

Let me tell you something. And I tell black people, I don't even want you to think I'm prejudiced. I'm not prejudiced, so I love fucking the whole black experience. I'll tell you my two favorite women in the world. One is Ms. Obama. I would tear that motherfucker. Oh my God. When she was dancing on Jimmy Fallon, I was whacking off on that fucking...

I don't... With her sneakers on those long, because the long legs, and she got overbite that motherfucker. That little toothy bitch drives me crazy, you understand me? And Little Kim, when I see Little Kim in Hollywood. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. I was...

I'm a fuck Little Kim. No, no. Oh, oh, I know. Eve. No. Eve is a bad bitch. Eve is a bad bitch. She is hot as fuck.

Oh my god. Her fucking thighs. I would die to lick them, just to lick him. I've seen her at a restaurant one night. I couldn't keep my eyes over. God, she is hot as fuck. She wears that blonde fucking wig. I was losing my fucking mind.

I couldn't even, I could tell you, I could see myself fucking tackling him. You know what I'd fuck too is who's the other girl that sings crazy bitch? I have no idea. I have no idea. The big girl. The blacker gave me a goal. Here I go. There I go.

That bitch, that bitch is a backbreaker. The DJ was, too. I'm telling you, I lucked all. What does a backbreaker mean? Huh? What do you mean a backbreaker? That you'll get on top of you and bake your fucking back. That's what it means, you're fuck.

Nicky Minaj, I'd fuck Nikki Minaj. No, no. Yes, yes, but Lou Kim, is my new fucking crush. It's that little shit. It's like my thing. And I'm gonna fuck, to Nicky Minas.

What the shit? What the shit? Yeah, get your shit together. Motherfuck. All. Oh. Well, I creep. Lisa left eye.

I would have had a headphone. Have you seen TLC lately? They look fucked up, though. TLC ain't TLC no more. It's like fucking KFC. KFC. Sierra? Who's Sierra?

Which one? I tell you what else. I like fucking Beyonce. Oh. But she can't talk. Once she talks, that takes away the Beyonce fans. Have you ever heard of talk? You know she's fucking confused.

I was watching a documentary. She's fucking... I saw that documentary, too. Yeah, she's hot. I love Beyonce. I love it. I love it. I love fucking black sisters.

I love it. Not like fucking black. I like... I like looking at them. You know who I like the crazy black chick? Yeah. Ooh, the model. Oh.

Naomi Campbell? Oh! That black motherfucker hitting white people with shoes. I love that motherfucker. Oh, she don't give a fuck on a airplanes. That's what she does our best work. She is

crazy, fuck. Some night she fought outside New York one night. She was fucking De Niro. Really? Some chick was fucking De Niro. She came in and called the bitch out. Let's go. We're going outside. Took a heel for up. I thought she was from Africa. She's not? I don't give a fuck. Where she's from? No, she's from... Compton, St. Louis.

Africa. She's British. I mean, British. Right? No, she's from England. She's from... She's British, but her family's like, I'll guarantee you. If they're British. You go home and you watch that fucking free video with George Michael see what she looks like. She's so fucking hot. She's really beautiful, really beautiful. And all you women in this fucking room are beautiful

people. Yeah, there are a lot of hot tics in here. I'm looking like you sexy motherfuckers tonight. Look at you. Going on on Wednesday night. Shaving your pussy for us on a Wednesday night. Now are you guys all going to the show next door? Okay. All right. Let's do this and shit. Any questions real quick? For Bert, while you see it? Shoot. Shoot.

Why do you fall off an aircraft carrier? I was, I was hired by Red Bull to do the flu to do the flutog. so they were doing off an aircraft carrier and we were in Camden New Jersey which is the number one murder capital in the country and there were 5 million people out there to witness it and the weather was bad

and they were like it's going to be really dangerous we can't do it and the fucking police commissioner came up and he said you're fucking doing it because we're going to have a fucking riot if you don't and they looked at me and you're like you're the only one getting paid you're up so I fucking did it almost got decapitated I broke my ribs

I was shitting blood it's a fucking nightmare Yeah. And one dude broke his femur. Oh, that's a game changer right there. Breaking your femur? That's not the same as it used to be. That's how I fell off an aircraft carrier. Jesus.

So you jumped. No, I was on a plane, but my plane was very elaborate. It was like, we made it for TV, and the wind was so high that everything broke off it, and all it was was a wing. And I was in a suit. Only time I've ever fucking worn a suit, I'm in a suit, and I'm standing on this thing, and they just pushed me, and the guy was telling me, Listen, when the second you feel it go, just jump and get the fuck away from it.

You're going to get hurt. And so I just went and just, almost, yeah, almost got killed. Bert. Yes. Can you take Joey as your guest on Trip Club? You know, it's so funny, I told Joey, Travel Channel literally said to me, if you want to do a show with your friends, we'll do it. And I was like, oh, they have no idea what they just fucking are.

Rogan's in the other room. I told Rogan and Rogan goes, we should do it with our dads. But I don't want to use my dad. I want to use Bernard Hopkins and have him play my dad and have him recall things from my childhood and no one can discount them.

They've been smoking over there too. Joey and my dad? They just did one where Joey gave my dad edibles. Yeah. Oh, you haven't heard that one? Oh, it was a fucking epic. Oh, yeah. If you go on my Twitter and look at my pictures,

you will see the actual pictures of Joey giving my dad edibles, me trying to stop it, my dad eating them, Joey laughing, and then my sister's going, what the fuck? So yeah, yeah,

Joey and my dad have great chemistry. They just talk like, yeah. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. I'm going to tell you something. As a comic, you paint a scenario where you want to be in your life. And,

you know, I had a thousand. the scenario you know before i stopped quitting coke before i stopped i thought that i can never stop because that wouldn't be funny so i was gonna be a part of my life like i'm like i'm like i'm check i got a snort coke you know and and then you look at scenarios of people like bert bert has a great fucking family he's got two beautiful daughters a beautiful wife he's got a mom and a dad and it's a great he's a lucky he doesn't know how lucky he is just i don't even know how he fucking leaves because if i had two daughters that look like him i wouldn't fucking leave five and seven

I'd be with them all the time with a fucking bomb, ready to blow some motherfucker. Because I will blow a seven-year-old up and shit. You don't fucking know me. I'll stab one of those motherfuckers hitting my daughter. That's just a message for the rest of the motherfuckers out there. Don't hit on Bert's daughters. The motherfucker stabbed the kid when he was eight.

So he just sent the message. But that's one thing about Bird I really admire. He really keeps it together. He's got a beautiful fan. That's tough to do when you're a comic, man. That's fucking tough, you know. And I applaud him for that. I learned a lot from them.

Wow. Any more questions? Where's the other party? Next door. We're going there right now. Can you take me with you? Yes. Where would you like me to take you?

Okay. What are you going to do over there? You want to smoke some pot? All right. On that note, everybody. I would like to thank Charlie and Lee for having me. Thank you.

Thank you. What's happening now? Is this there? When does this go up? Probably tomorrow night. Tomorrow night? I'm in Cincinnati right now. now I'm in Baltimore the week after

that. I don't know where the fuck I am. What's the name of your podcast? Oh my podcast. If you want to hear the episode where Joey gave my dad Addibles, it's like two weeks ago. It's the Easter podcast and it's on Burtcast.

The even better part of it is when you had the Filipino woman or Laley Hayslip. And Joey was just, you heard him just like dying inside. Oh, it was terrible. Oh shit. Oh. What's the matter? What fuck is this shit?

All right. Let's wrap it up. Hold on. What do you say? What do you say? What do you say? What do you say? Well, I'm going to head over to the next door.

All right. Bert Kreissel one more. Thank you, everybody. Burr Chrysler one more time. It's nuts. It's really nuts to meet these guys. You know, when I got the comedy, I got to comedy because I read a Lenny Bruce book. And it was about him doing heroin with strippers and jazz musicians at night.

And I'm sitting next to a guy that has two beautiful girls. and a fucking Volvo and shit and he goes to you know he drives his daughter to school every day so it's really weird to see the different it's really weird

to see where the comic has gone in 30 years you know 30 years ago was Richard Pryor burning himself up I can't even fucking light my foot on fire you know

I can't even fight my toenail on fire the fungi toe so it's really where we've gone so it's a podcast now it's all about a fucking podcast that's it man and this is gonna say in two years

there won't be fucking TV no more. Think about it. Who watches that shit? Who watches it? That's it. What are you going to watch? Kardashians, I'm sorry. That's the shit that's popping. Nobody watches scripted television no more. We all watch the fucking shit on Discovery, brain games and fucking hoarders and fucking, you know.

I was just thinking about that last night. Do you think they're ever going to do a reality movie? Like, I think that's the next step. But what would a reality movie be? I don't know. Like, maybe... Dog the Bounty Hunty. chasing somebody for two fucking hours. That's all it could be.

You know, Beverly Hills Housewives. I don't want mob wives. What the fuck is that? Has anybody watched mob wives? That big ang? Is that chick fucked up or what? I was on a plane. And, you know, when I'm on a plane,

I always shoplift People magazine. That's my freak at the airport, all right? I ain't gonna lie to your people. When I get to the airport, I look around, I always shoplift the people because I ain't paying $8 for the fucking thing. And then I read out of the airport.

on the airplane. Two or three weeks ago they had a picture of Big Eng with a fucking bikini. It was one of the worst. And listen, I'm no Miss America. You know what I'm saying? I'm no Mr. Universe, but this shit was fucking ugly because she was warped. She just had big tits and big lips. Who thinks this is attractive? What do you do with that fucking monster? I mean, you know, I still love behind the music.

Right? We all watch that shit. You know, a crazy train or whatever the fuck it is. And what's left? you watch the zombie fucking thing walking dead you watch sons of anarchy

and breaking bad and that's it you'll be yeah that oh that's a good one too and the other one the duck dynasty that's my shit

I'm thinking of flying back to go watch them do a point my niece is going in Tennessee and she goes Uncle Joe I got two extra tickets

so I'm thinking of going back and watching Duck Dynasty she's like in the third row she's all excited. What's the other one? There's one other one. Swamp people. Swamp people's a bad motherfucker.

Listen, man, redneck shit on television is my shit. Fuck boo-boo, though. That's disgusting. That's a little too far out there. When you see Honey Boo-Boo, you're like, I don't know about this shit. This is a little too far out there. All those fat people eating miracle whipping shit like that. That's disgusting. Those fat motherfuckers, bro. Is that your one mission as a father not to have Honey-Bubu as your kid?

What's that? Is that your one mission as a dad now not to have honey boo-boo? Bro, I'm fucking 50. I'll take a kid with a missing head. You know, as you get older, when you're 20, you're like, I want my kid to be an athlete and shit like that. Once you're 50, you just want your kid to be healthy, just to be alive. I don't give a fuck if he's missing an ear or a hand or a leg.

Just say, you know what I'm saying? As you get older, it's like, as men, you know, we're 20. We want a blonde with a badass body. But she got to be a virgin. I don't want no whore and shit. By the time you're 30, you're like, man. All right, she can fuck a few people, but I'm going to do a background check on the bitch.

By the time you're 40, you're like, fuck it. I just want somebody to share the rent with me no more. I'm to the point where you don't give a fuck. You lower your standards. Look at all you women, right or wrong? When you were 20, you all wanted Brad Pitt. Look at you now. You ain't got fucking Brad Pitt, do you?

But you got somebody who fills the gaps, who fills the fucking gap. How romantic of you? At the end of the week, that's really what the fuck it is. You get along, I get along, why are we making this into something it ain't? Why are we making it? It's like last week I watched

Ben Henderson, right? Who watched the fight last week? Yeah. All right. At the end of the fight, he proposes to his wife in front of everybody. Right? And all the women were like, look how romantic. You know that motherfucker's going to be cheating on the six months in. He's a champion of the fucking world.

Why are you in the fucking octagon? I'm making believe this is the woman of your fucking dreams. You're black, she's white, she's going down. She's going down. You're going to be slinging dick in Arizona. Who the fuck are you lying to? Do you think those dreadlocks? You know those motherfuckers with the football dreds?

They're out there with the helmet on. Looking like they're ardu de-do and shit. Do you think you're black motherfuckers are the worst? They're always cheating and shit. They're always out of the club hitting on some fat fucking blonde chick. We're fucking a finger smell like spaghetti. and shit. The fuck are you kidding? I'm lying, right?

I'm fucking lying, right? Fuck you, motherfuckers. Do you think you would have done it if he lost? Would have proposed if he lost? If he lost, and you were there. Would you marry that motherfucker if he lost? Proposed now, motherfucker? After you lost? I don't want you now. He probably still made 200 grand.

I don't fucking know if he would have proposed if he lost. Would you? Would you fucking propose if you got beat up on national television? No. You take that you take that ring and throw in the fucking sink and realize whatever the fuck you were thinking about wasn't the right thing. You got beat the fuck up.

So what we have, what we're waiting? What did you think about that fight? I didn't think he won. I don't think not. It don't matter what we thought because at the end of the week Yes, it does. No, it doesn't. You really have those people that are, there's people that will spend hours on the underground talking about that shit.

You could be doing something. You could be fucking a midget. You could be doing something. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's not up to you. Even if you had the call, they don't give a fuck. Nobody cares on Monday. It's fucking over. That thing, like when people say when people come up there and go, who's going to win?

Godzilla or King Kong. Guy, the Koreans got missiles pointed at us and you got a mind fucking head. Who gives a fuck? Worried about what's in front of you. What coupons we got for rounds on fucking Thursday? I didn't know Thursday was the day. Thursday's the day.

Jews go, see? So what happens? As a Jew, you're slipping, dog. So teach me, what happens? Thursday is triple fucking, whatever, double fucking coupon day. And they put extra points, and they put extra shit out there on sale. Like if you buy eight packages of bacon, you get one free. You know, Rouse knows how to drive a hard bargain.

You know, they're biggest scumbags. You ever buy something from Rouse? You were buying Apple from Rouse on Monday, take it home, and Wednesday it's gone. Like it's fucking purple, and you're like, fucking Rouse. They fucking knew they were selling me bum fruit. And now you can't even go down there. That's why you got to fuck Routh whenever you can. You know, I got to go on Thursdays.

You got to register for the fucking points. And you gotta go out there and get them on double Thursdays and fuck them up, man. But if you go on Thursdays, about 1145, you'll see a little black bus pull up, right? The carpool? Hold on, this is the one on Sherman Oaks. There's the one on Sherman Oaks and Magnolia. You'll see it. If you want, we could all meet next Thursday.

And I'll prove it to you. At about 11.30, a black bus with black windows pulls up and as it gets closer to you hear like some type of music in there like it's jamming and when they open up you hear it huh nah nah and they're excited they go in there shits gonna happen today they got their pension they're fucking making it stretch and shit those Jews are going there with their sandals they're fucking they're like barracudas they're like Puerto Ricans on the fifth you gotta see him though they got the little hat on to the side because

they're ganges the Jews. They're rolling deep with the little Yamika stickers and they're going in there, dog. And they're fucking, I'm telling you, they're damaging fruit trying to get 10 cents off. Yeah, but you're in there too. You ever see those?

No. Okay, hit it. And then bring it up to the counter, somebody stepped on this motherfucker. I want 35 cents off. I'm in there because I'm counting my fucking pennies too.

No, I'm in there because I don't know why, going there for bread or whatever. They have this bread at Rouse so you can bake yourself. You ever see that the Italian bread? No. Because you're a fucking moot. You're at McDonald's all the fucking time. That's why. You're at Rouse on Vineland

and Ventura. And they got bread that you could take it home, put in the oven, bake it. It comes out nice and brown. You open that motherfucker up. You put a whole stick of butter in there and just open your ass and tell cholesterol to suck your thing. In my fat man days, that's what I would do. I get a whole loaf of like a 32-ounce coke with a bunch of ice cubes and just fill that motherfucker up to the bubbles, burn the hairs in your nose.

That's how much into Coke I was. I'd burn that motherfucker when that... And you get that Mexican Coke with that Mexican sugar in it. They put a little cocaine in there too because they don't give a fuck. They got to do something with their Mexican drug profits. That's why whenever you go to a place, fuck that American Coke. Get that Mexican Coke. You're up and fucked up for a few hours.

Your friends are all creepy drinking Red Bull. and there you are. Fuck, Red Bull. What's they're talking about? Well, the point, and it's funny, like, we were getting gas one time, and I didn't stop at Shell. You're like, why aren't you stopping at Shell?

You got to go in there, get the receipt, get the 10 cents off there, bring it back to Ralph. I don't know how you do this all day. Like, you have all these points that you're just obsessed with. I'm telling you, dog, I got nothing else going on.

I'm a loser. You forget I'm a fucking loser, okay? When you're a loser, you have time to fuck around with Rouse and the airlines. Listen, I call the Air Luser. You know those people that fucked up? You ever call like American Airlines?

Like a Hindu answer the phone. Like, hello, you have Rajne? You're like, motherfucker. I will torment those motherfuckers. I got a first class ticket for $650 around the world. That's how I roll. You understand me? That's what I do to those motherfuckers.

So Delta, they connect your right to India. That's my world. I will torment those. Let me talk to your fucking manager, Cuck, fucker. Where's our mayor? We do not have our manager. Get fucking I meant right now

You'll give a fuck if he's watching a David Spade movie I hope he listens Fuck David Spade I hope your next movies with David Spade Fuck that motherfucker Fuck him and half the other fucking Pussies and shit Not like Dinkook

Dinko's a good dude I still don't understand what's wrong with Ben Stiller What's wrong with him? He's a fucking fake you can tell he's a fucking piece of What about his dad? Do you like his dad? His dad's all right But how many times can do the same fucking thing Eight years

He did the same thing on the show and everybody jumped up and down in fucking America. He was the same guy. He went from Seinfeld and they said, listen, we want you to do the same fucking I'm king of Queens

and that's what he fucking did. So that's it. That's it. So this is fucking I'm supposed to jump off a fucking building. Hold on me go put a rest of development on and really fucking choke myself to death, okay?

Get the fuck out of here. So you're not waiting for it on Netflix? You're not waiting for rest of the development? Oh yeah, I'm at home right now. I'm at home fucking light. feet on fire waiting for fucking arrested development and every other mind fuck hold on I'm also waiting for a vampire and I'm waiting for hunger games three two while you're fucking that I want to see hunger games too yeah I'll game game one was all right

the last half fucking hour then I got pissed off everything else why do you pissed off because it takes you somewhere else just end the fucking movie it's opposed to fucking end like this podcast it's supposed to end eight minutes ago I love you motherfuckers thank you very very much as a point. See you outside. Let's go snorke. Let's take a picture with the cupcakes.