The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 04/29/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #75

Episode Date: April 30, 2013

Joey's beautiful and hilarious wife, Terrie, calls into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. streamed live on 04/29/2013

Oh shit. Oh shit. The moments that make up a fucking dull day. Are you kidding me or what? It's Monday. April what? 29th. Oh shit.

The month is fucking over. I hear you, Joe. I hear you, Lysayat. You blast that fucking thing, Lee. Oh shit. Waiting for someone or something to show you the motherfucking way. We're all waiting. Get up, cocksucker.

The church of what's happening. Now it's here. What's happening, Lisa? A little fucking pink floor. It's over. What's happened? Nothing much. I'm feeling good.

I know you're feeling good. What time you go to bed last night? You're looking good? I only got, like, a few hours, because I have to work. I've started work again, so I have to go to work tonight, so. What time you got to be there?

6.30. So it's not bad. For what time? Five. At the latest. So hopefully it'll be out of there by three or four. You're fucking savage. You're looking good.

Try it. We're starting the juice fast again on Wednesday. day for people. Oh, Jesus Christ, my own Nami. I've got a bunch of tweets that people got the juicer and stuff, so. We're going to do this together. Everybody's going to do this together.

Are you going to do it? Fuck no. I don't like that shit. I'll let you try some on Wednesday morning. Yeah, let me try nothing. What's happening, beautiful people? It's Monday. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive.

Before we even get this started, if you came out for the live podcast at the Ice House the other night, thank you very much for supporting us. It was like a debt squad. Fun festival. You had us in the one room, Rogan, Sigura,

Burke Kreis in the other room, Red Band, you had the Flying Jew. I mean, it was, I'm going to give a shout out to who's put the show together.

It was Kathy's cupcakes. Fucking delicious. The strawberry one, delicious. The peanut butter one's fucking delicious. The chocolate peanut butter one,

that's what it was? Banana peanut peanut butter. Oh my fucking God. If you're a stoner, look into Kathy's fucking cupcakes. Cupcake, Kathy. Cupcake.

I'm going to see if they have a website right now. Yeah, I think they do it. It's on Facebook. Curry, Jonathan and Kat, I mean, nice people. You're going to cater a party. You need about 2,000 fucking cupcakes. You call these motherfuckers up.

They got like 20 Mexican cousins to whip up 2,000 cupcakes in a fucking hour. You understand me? So thank you very much for coming out supporting. And anybody came out. It was good. We got a high. We got a good time. Lee wants to take it on the road.

I told him, Slee, slow the fuck down, but we're working on things. Lee, smoke some refo. What the fuck? I just did. You over there eight feet away. You know, you're going to church today, you're cock sucker. There you go, brother. It's Monday.

We gotta get nice and fucking stone, too. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. It's your second chance day, bitches. Whatever. So what? You went back to smoking on Saturday. So what? You had a fucking donut Sunday after you blew the guy.

Who gives up up? It's Monday. It starts all over again, cock sucker. That's all that matters in this fucking world. It starts all over again on Monday. You get a second chance. And that's what we come in. A little fucking, uh, ba-bah-ba-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-whatever.

Whatever, it's Monday. Respect out to my mom, Tony Bennett. I want to be around. This is we do every fucking Monday. We get respect to the soldiers who fell before us. Let them know we're thinking about them, and we're going to go out that week and stab a motherfucker out of respect for them.

You follow me? That's the beauty of this fucking day. Look at that. A little piano. A little reefer. But you guys ain't going to believe what I got today. Look at this. This is T-H-C fucking water.

What's the name of the? Shit, where's my glass from going? I want to be around. To pick up the pieces. After Lee drinks this fucking water. He ain't drinking shit. This is for me. Remedy age too old. This is the new thing, people.

Cannabis fucking water. Yeah, right. Are you going to be able to drive home? Who gives a fuck? You drive my sound. You're buying a few cars. You hit a pedestrian? Who gives a fuck?

You just keep going. Look straight. Somebody. So did you watch sports in the past couple days? No. ESPN gets a lot of shit for stuff they do, but we've talked a lot about their 30 for 30s. But they also do these stories on medical things,

and they did this thing on this keto got drafted, DJ Hayden. And he got hit in practice in October, November, and the vein that carries blood from the lower part of his body to the top, like detached from his heart or whatever. So they had to go in and restores. sewed up and they said it was like sewing pieces of wet tissue paper together and after a few months he was down on his luck and he started working out they said he never played football again like the thing the injury is 95% fatal and he he survived and he started working out and he got a drafted

12th by the Oakland Raiders and it's just uh it's always because we talk about a lot is not saying like not listening to the critics and and working hard and this guy almost died and a few months later drafted 12. Listen, bro, if you fucking believe you can do anything. Yeah. I'm sitting at that UFC this week. By the way, fat man alert, fat man alert, fat man alert, fat man alert, fat man alert, fat man alert.

Fucking Roy is a fucking savage. And if you're fat today, you should be jumping up and down with a white castle with your dick out scratching your balls. I respect for Roy Nelson. I've told you. And Lisa said to me, I think. Joey, you're right. There are some fat guys who are in shape.

Listen, man, you can't walk around like one of those jellybellies. You know those motherfuckers that walk around? That's way past that fucking thing. If you're at that point, you got to go to the gym or shoot yourself. Either or just call honor and walk into honor and see if they'll stab you and cut you up into pieces and sell the fucking fat to vitamins or some shit. But, you know, listen, man, it's okay to have some weight on you as long.

He's losing weight since Dana said something. But what I like about Roy Nelson is that every time he wins, Dana gets fucking dizzy and crazy. That shit he says he's got a disease and disease. That's bullshit. That's Roy Nelson's fucking ghost, fat little fucking ghost, Yell him, is he a fuck you. I love Dana Wine.

I got nothing but respect for the guy. But just because the guy doesn't look like the fighter you want him to with muscles like Chuck Congo, what good is it looking like Chuck Kong if you get in the fucking head? You know, and I've said this a thousand times. I grew up with a kid, Mike Runny, he's called him to the show, skinny, lanky. Yeah. You could do all the steroids you want. You could show up with a fucking night.

This guy would break it over your fucking head. He used to say, I love steroid guys because I just beat the fuck out of him. You know, and that's the thing. You can do all the shit you want. If it's in your fucking heart, it's in your heart. You know what? You can't walk around fat forever because it does affect your heart and affects your joints.

It affects later things. Later on, diabetes is looming, whatever the fuck they're saying. But I will tell you what, man. I'm a fat guy. Those stairs were fucking long at the Middlelands. I went up there two times to peeve, and I tapped up. But, you know what? Five years ago, I couldn't even walk up those stairs.

I wouldn't even walk down them if I was at a UFC event. No. I was in a UFC event, and Joe would give me floor tickets. I'd go down there one time. I pissed on the fucking floor like a cat before I walked up those stairs. I pissed one time because one of the places has carpeting. I think the MGM Grand.

I just pissed one time years ago. And then when I was really heavy, I would just get the ticket and trade with somebody. And I would sit up in the fucking top. I swear to God, for Chuck Liddell Randy Couture that time, 2006, I sat up top. He was pissed at me. He kept saying,

my landscaper said, you didn't show up. I did fucking show up. I traded tickets with somebody. I just sat up on top. I was too embarrassed to tell fucking Joe because I didn't want to walk downstairs, people. Yeah. How fucking crazy is that? But you know what?

Five years ago was passed, and I could have walked up those metal and stairs 10 more times. I just didn't see Anita. After the second run, I sat upstairs and watched the second car. I had a great time at the fight. Yeah.

I can't sit there more. Like, I'm way beyond sitting there anymore. And, you know, especially, you know, when you go there with Joe and he goes at 4.30, you go at 4.30. So you watch the Facebook fights. You watch the fights and the fucking, you know, you see.

By 7 o'clock, you've seen double the fights that the people see you at home. Yeah. You're sick of sitting there. So this time I walked up by the balcony and I bumped into these dudes from Long Island that had come to one of the shows and I bumped into these other cats. We just sat outside and smoked up. And then I went back and I sat at the bar and I got some drinks. I got two fucking beers.

Oh, shit. Amstah. Oh, yeah. Fucking delicious. But I, oh, it was delicious. I drank two of those and then one of the guys went to and got some chicken fingers and some fries from Nathan's. Holy shit.

Holy shit. They don't know how to make a French fry in L.A. They really, I don't know how people are fat in that way because I don't get it to how these Mexicans walk around 800 fucking pounds. What the fuck are they eat? Well, how high are you? That has to add to it a little bit. I took $200-something worth of edibles to the Jersey with me.

Oh, Jesus. I gave some to some friends of mine and shit, but besides that, they all went my way. Was that whole stack you bought? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. I told it wasn't the last year month. The pretzels. Fuck me up.

The fucking candy bars I gave him to some ex-cop friends of mine and shit. He called me hours later. Like, damn, dog, how are you living? How the fuck are you living walking around? Because we ate the pretzels for breakfast. What? I had this motherfucker eating pretzels in the cop car for breakfast. Fuck it.

Then we went to bagel nash and got a bagel. And he was like, how do you do this? He called me like three hours later. He called me like three hours later. He was, dog, I'm fucked up. Fucked up But back to fucking Roy Nelson And being a fat fuck and all this man

Listen I love all that shit Because he's proven people wrong Yeah Okay This country you do have a fat fucking man Epidemic problem And I had to it But at the same time

I'm not as bad as I used to be I can do shit now Yeah And I'm very very fucking surprised Today the elevator broke at least And I'd walk up the fucking stairs Cocksucker And I'm not looking forward to that

And I fucking notice You have a gym here in a pool Yeah And you sit there and have the balls to watch TV every fucking day. You sit there and watch TV like a fucking mout. When you can at least be in that thing walking on that treadmill. I look to see what they had in there. And you got a three-foot pool, which is the best when you're a fat fuck like us

because your joints won't hurt. That's as easy as to pie in there. Yeah. You put your little bikini on and just run laps in there from side to side for fucking two hours. In a month, you'll be like Slim Jim Magoo. You don't have to drink that juice shit. You're 24. Your metabolism is right there.

No, it's not. Yes, it is. You gotta pick it up How do you think you're gonna pick it up Not by sitting down watching fucking 30-30 About some kid who got a heart attack Cocksucker How many games you watched yesterday?

All of them No, I only watched a Celtic Don't fucking lie to me You watched all of them Cocksucker I didn't but I have to say I did It makes me happy when the Lakers lose So that was nice

That's terrible You put the kiss of death on the Lakers You live right here down the block What the Lakers ever do to you? It's a Celtics It's like you like you liking the Red Sox Which you shouldn't but you do Oh shit

Oh shit How much other are you supposed to drink Who gives a fuck? You drink it all and you let the pieces Fall with that man What are you gonna do? I want to drink a little bit It's like these kids as we have animals at home

I don't do no good at home Bring them out with you It's a fucking UFC Not to bother me more And somebody says I got weed at home What's that do? What'd you do with that? How's that working out for you?

Now there's an earthquake And you gotta walk home With no fucking weed like a mom But that's the first thing you put in your pocket You look at my wallet I got like emergency papers everything. I got baggies of emergency papers. There's a fucking tsunami.

I'm smoking dope on a fucking palm tree. I'll hook up to a fucking truck, the top of a truck, and I'll be smoking refra. Remember New Orleans? Yeah. When they showed the black people flown, nah, that'll be me only with a fucking number.

I'll be sending smoke signals up at those fucking helicopters. The fuck, we get your shit together. Well, don't they check for weed at those places at those events? Yeah, they go in your pockets. No, they don't check for weed. They scan you with the fucking... With the Arabian fucking fortune teller. I think you're the only one who doesn't get checked.

I've had friends who go with, like, the little pipes and stuff, and they get... Well, why would you bring a pipe? I don't know. You got to be prepared. There's different situations that call for different things. Okay. You roll the papers, you put them in your fucking wallet. You take your reefy, you're breaking.

You put it in your sock. They're never going to find that unless they're fucking Houdini and heat. You fold your sock over the lump. So there's a lump in your sock anyway. What the fuck? Do you people not fucking read, you know, I know you read fucking stupid shit. You're not practice this stuff?

And you get in your roller joint right there in the fucking arena. Ain't nobody going to say nothing to you? I just think they're not saying anything to you. They don't say to nobody. It's how your body language is. You follow me? If you're standing there making a big scene rolling a joint, they're going to nail you.

I fucking, it's your body language. Like I said, the reason why I'm having a hard time lately when I drive because I go to, like, places for, And I'll drink six things iced tea. Yeah. Then I get in the car and I got a fucking pee. In the old days, I just pulled over and picked up a payphone and peat. Took my dick out and just let that fucking stream of urine fucking come out.

Now there's no pay phones. So I can't pull over. I got to know where to peece. I tell you what happened to me at the fucking airport? No. I got to the thing to meet Rogan. We were flying the other day. And I parked the car in number three because we were flying Virgin.

Okay. And what I usually do when I get that, I take my luggage and I make them believe I'm getting shit. I leave the car door open. I take my dick out and I pee before I get into the airport. I just pee. Who gives the fuck? You got to pee.

I'm like, you think I'm going to walk in with pee in my fucking bag. I got to go through security with a pee in my fucking kidney. Wherever the pee is, your pee bag. Bladder? Bladder. I fucking took my little helmet out and I started peeing and the turtleneck was pointed in.

You know how I'm uncircumcised? Yeah? And the flap, it was like the pee was hitting the flap in my dick and was flapping back. And when I looked down, all my pants were fucking wet. I walked around with pee all over me. my fucking leg like a Puerto Rican all the way down to my knee. You should have seen it. You didn't just

change your pants? Oh yeah yeah I'm gonna change my pants right there in the fucking parking lot. I thought about it but I said fuck it'll dry there's no humidity here. What are you gonna dry it's gonna it's fucking eight minutes it's not like peered for a little while on the plane I don't give a fuck I'm sitting with rogan I ain't impressing nobody you know sometimes I pee myself what happens dog I'm 50 years old I'm an old fucking man I've been telling you that for fucking you want to keep fucking around with me guy sometimes in the turtleneck is fucked up when you're uncircumcised, sometimes the meat hangs to one side. It's like a little,

it's like a little fucking gutter flap. So you're peeing and it points it back at your fucking leg. I pee on my feet all the fucking. I'm like a chicken. I pee on my feet more than fucking anybody does. I got to drink some more. This shit goes direct people. Remedy. Divine well, I'm telling you, my two fucking weed stores

are the best two wheat stores I go around. You guys know I don't fuck around, and you know I cut right through the fucking bullshit, the red tape, the blue tape, whatever the fuck you want to call it. All the tape. Whatever. What is it? All the tape. All the tape. I cut all the fucking tape.

But let me tell you something, okay? No-ho, organic, the best. If you want a vapor pen, they just up those vapor tubes. Like 90-tube. You just take three hits and you're fucking dizzy. By the way, I've seen people smoking a vapor at LAX. It's out.

Oh, really? Yeah, and they see me, they're like, bow. They know. They know. They fucking know! So, uh, you go to over there. Nice people, nice Armenians. Jay, I love to death. The fucking girl.

I love they got a store up of Woodland Hills. The best. This N-O-P-R is the best I've smoked all fucking year. I kid you none. For $10 a gram, that shit, I've been smoking that for a week, and I'm still getting fucking high. I'm telling you right now, that's the best weed I fucking smoke. And for all the shit I get, the edibles,

I get from divine wellness, except Jay over at NoHo's got the Cheebo shoes. Okay. He's only got the double strength. We're looking for the quad-motherfucking strength. I'm not looking for any? Yes, you're looking, cock-sucker. You got no choice.

So they have Divine Wellness got the juice They got the banana bread They got the fucking carrot cake They got bang chocolate They got Cheebo shoes They're not fucking around Oh shit They got gold tablets

You know what gold tablets are I don't want to know Nothing you gotta know I'm gonna fucking just give it to you and tell you it's vitamin You know those vitamin E capsules? Yeah That you pop and put on your face and shit Okay

They got those in tears See fucking Caligular juice You pop two of those It's two for $25 dog You know why it's $25 dollars Why? Because you see The fucking

devil. Why are you supposed to have two? Can you just have one? Yeah, you can take one if you want. If you least I am. Do you just take double whatever the recommended doses? Sometimes three times. Why go for broke? That's for regular Americans. What's going to happen in like five years? You've just been like taking like four Cheapuch's at once? Oh my God. No. What I usually do is I add to it. Like let's say I eat a Cheapucho. Okay. That's 180 milligrams. I'll add to it. There's a little drink. This is a little drink.

That little drink right there. 100 fucking milligrams. Go down to the vine, get the remedy drink, tell him Uncle Joey sent you. They got something for you. I don't fuck around with people. I ain't got time.

Where's that other joint here? It's fucking Monday. It's fucking Monday, Lee. How are you going to act? And you're going to spend the rest of it in bed? No, I got to go home at 8 and I got the baby. I got the fucking baby from 8 to 11, well, until Wednesday.

Jesus. So I got the baby time. I'm going to go home. I'm going to hang out for a little while with her. I have mother feeds it. And then I take, I put the stroller. I get the stroll. I go throw it.

I'm going to try to lose weight with her. You can't do nothing with the fucking kid. Yeah. Anything I do, if I got a book, she starts yelling. If I got a notebook, she likes hanging out. Yeah. She likes hanging out. She really does so.

I just take her. I throw on the stroll. I smoke another fucking numb, but it's a beautiful day to be alive. I take it down to the rec center. I take it down to the park. Kids are playing over there sometimes. I walk around a hole,

and I burn up a few calories. And she's out fucking cold, and that's how you cut right through this shit. Why work against the kid? Let me work with it. And it's funny because, you know I had my first kid when I was 30

so she's 23 I was really 27 or whatever and I was just thinking about the steer out there like I was really trying to think hard on what things I used to do and I got all these fucking stories and everything and I can't remember what I used to do with this kid

you know why I'll let me tell you what what fucked my child what really fucked me up with my daughter and I didn't know until I had this daughter addiction oh you think so yeah let me tell you something

It wasn't what was it. It was that, and I even told Joe, when I was telling Ari the other day, we were talking about different shit. Ari's a great guy that talked to. You know, it's like you. You know, I have different friends to talk to about different things, and sometimes we could hire me. And I was talking to me about his friends on Coke or something.

I was telling Ari about how when you, you can't really love when you have an addiction. And it can be to anything. It could be the oxies. It could be the speed. It could be the fucking smelling black chicks assholes. Like Lee, He's addicted to fucking sniffing.

And, you know, it can be anything. I mean, we fuck around here. You know, for me, it was fucking the blow. But it's so weird to try to live your life in an addiction because nothing else really gets the attention that deserves. It really doesn't. It really doesn't.

Like, nothing. And you don't know this while it's happening. While it's happening, you don't know this. And I know that there's, you know, listen, there's three fucking things that drive this podcast crazy. Okay, last night I answered close to 111 fucking. emails last week it was 80 and the week before fear

conversation I'm still getting kind of hewn fucking things addiction yeah and you know people getting the help with fat I mean it's really weird that I sit here I smoke fucking pot we curse we talk about a lot of shit but we talk about something that

I see that America really needs to talk about the thing about moving forward with their life you know there's a lot of people you know I'm very fortunate you know I lost my parents You know, I lived in a fucking car doing comedy. But the other things God gave me Whoever the fuck gives you magic powers,

they gave me the magic power to never lay the fuck down. A lot of people have parents, and they may have money, and they may have a nice bed, but they really don't have the power to move forward or whatever the fuck it is. And that's called fear. Fucking fear is so fucked up,

but I have never... I could sit here and get together with Jerry Lewis. I can bring Abelin Costello from the grave, you know? I could fuck around with you. We could talk about a porn. in Auschwitz, we can talk about the funniest things that we've come up with off the cuff.

Lee, and nothing gets more emails than when we talk about fear, like the ability to grab something by the balls and say it's over. You know, and I don't, my addiction was wrapped around the fear. That's it. Bro, addiction and fear

walk hand and fucking hand. What do you mean? Addiction and fear walk hand in hand. It's the same thing. If you're scared, you know, my addiction, elevated my fears. And you're saying, Joey, you got on stage,

you went an audition, you did movies, you had fears, but I had fears of moving forward. I never wanted regular things, because it might fuck up my addiction. Addiction fucks up everything, don't it? Yeah. Fucks up everything like a slow finger in the ass. You don't even see it.

You don't even see it. It just slows it down. Bam. So, sorry to be hitting my hand. Sounds like two fucking, man, I have bros beefs for fucking hands. I hurt my own hands. Sometimes I have a fucking fag.

That's the line. course when I hurt in my own hand. But people, listen, don't, I swear to God, man. You can live in fear, or it takes two seconds to just pick up your leg and go, fuck it, I'm not living like this no more. Because I'm not going to run or you're either going to kick somebody or you're going to get up and go to the phone or you're going to get up and just fucking live your life. And it's so weird.

Every time we talk about fear and God, people hit me back like it's Joey, you know, you were right or whatever. I'm scared. What the fuck are you scared of America? It's you. You got one shot at this. You know, Lee, I busted your balls about going gambling, but you went and did it. Yeah.

That's all that matters. You know, there's motherfuckers that still be talking about it. Still be at home, reading the computer, reading a book, getting prepared, reading about hotels, going on hotels.com. What the fuck? You're going to do something to do it. It's like people when they say to me,

I'm going to leave in two years. Oh, I hate that. It drives me. fucking crazy that is the end of our conversation when you come to me and go hey I'm moving to L.A. in two and a half fucking years what's going to happen in two and a half years

and when somebody says to me we're getting married a year and a half I want to just punch him the fucking mouth and that's been the same since I was 10 I was like how can you plan a year and a half out? Yeah what you're going to do with this person you love this person and oh she's got to finish school for what? What difference is going to make a fucking year and a half?

Fear fucks you up man get that shit out of your way And I never knew that that's the shit people want to talk about these podcasts. You know, I get hit about talking about movies again, talk about more fucking music, talk about this. But fucking fear and addictions. And the addiction part of it, I just told you, motherfuckers, this is it. This is as simple as it gets. You're addicted to oxycontin or those pills or Valiums or Coke, which I was addicted to for 27 years.

And I'm telling you from fucking experience. You know what, man? You will never have a life while you're addicted to shit. I have a friend that just turned 40. I can't stop fucking drinking. Yeah. The Red Devil, I love her dearly, but I know she's never going to have a fucking life. How do fuck?

I know, I know, because I never had a life. I thought I was living. I thought I was a champion. Listen, no stories I tell you, they're funny. We have ha ha ha ha, ha, ha. But they ain't that fucking funny. That's not living. Rob, man, and fucking light hook his wigs.

That ain't living. That's a, that's a retardation part of my fucking life that we got to laugh at. We, you know, we gigg. Just the idea of letting somebody's wig on fire is classic. I still see people with wigs, and I want to like their fucking, like take the wig and go, listen. You don't think nobody knows. Get it together.

Die your fucking chrome dome. Do something, but don't walk around with a wig. It's 2013. Leap. You're going to play some zeppler for you. Sure. That water fucked you up. Oh, like a fucking.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's Monday. Get the fuck out there. Do something. Mug somebody. Take a bust in nowhere. I don't give a fuck.

Take a bus and walk home. I don't give a fuck. Walk home, put the iPod, smoke a joint, and think of your next move. A man without a plan is not a motherfucking man, especially on a Monday, bitches. A little let's app before you get your shit together. Lee, Lee, Lee, this joint got your fucking name on it, and I got another 10 of these things. Look at this. One, look at this, Lee. Two, look at this, Lee. Three, can you count them with me?

Look, Lee, Lee, Lee, four. Jesus Christ. And look at this. and a half and five and a half ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ah ah who you can't leave

oh shit it's a beautiful day motherfucker I don't know what to tell you you know Lee starting a new job today he's like his 18th job

he's got more jobs in the fucking Jamaican trying I seen some interesting people when I went back home I didn't get in the car and go to North Bergen

and do shit I stayed right there in New Bruns with the whole time in the Grand Carralo Memorial Hotel who's Greg Carraldo Greg Carraldo A company who died

Oh okay We stayed at that same hotel I think that was the hotel Where he passed away Got arrested so We played at the state theater Fucking state theater In Jersey was off the hook

Joe Rogan Some crazy motherfuckers came out If you came out Thank you very much In the bottom of my heart But I had some Cool motherfucking friends I had a friend

Came out That this was the guy I don't know if I ever told this story In the podcast When I was a kid My mother died And I lived with his family He was a cop

And he had just started, so he used to work the midnight ship, 12 to 8. Okay. So he would call me in the middle of the night. He would pick me up like at 1.15 or 12, 45 after he'd get in. And we'd drive around. I was a sophomore in high school. And I'd drive around whenever the night. I'd smoke dope.

We'd get Coors cans and we drink beers in the fucking cop car. Jesus Christ. And we used to park in North Bergen at this place where it was Big Mount Subways. Okay. In the parking lot was behind it. It was on the hill so you can look down. We'd see the cars running on Bergerline Avenue and we'd be in there with a mirror.

Snort and Coke in a cop car. Here I am 16 fucking years old. Are you kidding me? Jesus Christ. Are you fucking kidding me? Then I've seen the other guy, Tweety, who can't call the podcast or he's off parole, but he was the guy I talked the story about it.

I'm the Joe Rogan podcast who in 19, like 90 or something, 89, he got caught smuggling coke in a plane, and they show video of him with the police chasing him throwing the bales of Coke. came out of the plane. And then that night I went to Flappers to do a set. His cousin was in the audience

and I hadn't seen Tweety since I was a kid. We used to play Congress together. He was a little older than I was and that's who I met Saturday that it hit home. That what the addiction had done to us. Like I knew Tweety.

I'm 50. Tweety's 53. So when I was 14, Tweety was 17 hanging out with my mother's bar cutting deals with fucking men. And I liked them and then I didn't see him for years

after my mother died And I bumped into him in 83 again, and he was living in Aspen, Colorado, next to fucking Jack Nicholson and Maroon Bells. Holy shit. And he had a carpeting company called Far East Treasures on Molina Street, Galena Street in Aspen. And all they had was one fucking carpet

that wasn't from the Far East. It was from fucking Jersey, some Puerto Rican's mother made it, named Julio. And the next thing, you know, I went home. I used to see him in Aspen, and I went home. I lost contact with him, and I saw him years later.

Somebody told him he had gotten busted that the feds caught him throwing the coke off the plane and shit. Well, they had video of it. So he's going to get off. He's got like a year and a half parole, but he's trying to get the video from his daughter and he said he'd send me a copy.

We'll figure out how to play it on the fucking podcast. Oh, shit. But I saw him and I was looking at his face and what the years had done. When he got nailed, he did two years of Bahamian prison. Then the Bahamians handed him over to the feds. Holy shit.

He did 18. fucking more. And I'm sitting there looking at this guy going 18 fucking years of my life. It's like erasing comedy from my life. Yeah. 20 years. Erasing comedy. Like that's what it would be like. And I sat there in my room

shaking. Like that's what you thought was going to happen with the, like you were going to send letters to Jay Leno. Yeah? Well, I thought I was going to murder my fucking ex-wife and the fucking bald-headed fucking boyfriend. So that's over with

my heart you know like I don't give a fuck about those people I can contact my daughter I've been thinking about lately back and back and forth I don't really want to I don't really want to like I'm that type of fucking move forward I got this little princess now my wife is beside herself she's happy as fuck

yeah and that's all that fucking matters you know it's like I play the new song of the podcast is that song by Tupac rearview mirror I hadn't heard that in fucking years. When I heard that the other day to listen to the lyrics, I was blown the fuck away because it's true. Fuck it. You're living your life, looking at that rearview mirror.

It's behind you, bitch. Ain't no reason to fucking put that car in reverse. Unless you're going to run over them. That's the only reason why I'm going to put that car in fucking reverse to run over those motherfuckers. Beside them, let's keep these fires. Straightly, Syed, you bad motherfucker. What's happening? Let me talk to me. Tell me something to you're sitting there with your fucking break shirt.

Did you show the people the shirt I brought you back and cuck sucking? Thank you. very much. It's a UFC shirt. Look at that, John Jones. Fucking jail. Look at that. We don't fuck around. Oh. Championship. I got that for five fucking bucks on the street.

Oh, I got to call from there. Hello. Hello. Who's this? No, your goodness. Who's this? Baby's mama. What's happened, baby? I got no baby's mom.

I got a wife. What's happening, beautiful? What's going on? What do you bother me for? You told me to. I didn't tell you to. I told you to call me when you're ready to see what the fuck I'm going to do this morning. Not to call on this line. What's happening, baby?

You told me to call at 6.30. All right, well, I got to ask you a question. All right? The other day, I bumped into my friend Tweety. Yes. The one I told you that went to prison for throwing the coke bails out the window and all that shit. Yeah.

I started thinking about how I fucked up I was when I met you. Can you tell the difference from five years ago to now, Terry Clark? No. I'm still fucking an idiot. Yes. You're just on a new drug. Which is what? Mercy.

Oh, that's true. That's true. I'm in the new drug named fucking mercy. No, Terry, can you... If I couldn't tell a difference, Jody, is we wouldn't be still standing here together. Did it change the way I thought a lot? Did it change a lot of things? I hope so, because it changed the way you acted, because if you had kept on acting the way you were, we would not be together. Was I crazy? Oh, you were up.

I mean, and you still are crazy and you're still a pain in the ass, so don't think that you're not. No, I know I'm a pain in the ass. I know those things. And you're psycho and paranoid and goofy and all that stuff still. So I don't think that was so much the drugs. I think that's more of the type of person who takes the drugs. You changed how you thought of people outside of you. You know what I'm saying?

Elaborate. You had a lot of loyalties. to a lot of dumb people. And I think that the drugs were partly responsible for you not wanting to see your other relationships. You know, it was easy. I mean, I think it was hard for you because you didn't want to be in some of those situations, but you didn't know how to get yourself out of it. So I think you did a lot of drugs to just not think about or have to deal with, you know,

a lot of the losers you were hanging around. And it kind of justified being around them because they were also doing the same mess. Interesting. Did I get more aggressive? Did I get, do I do more? I think you do more now because you're not dulled out. What do you mean dulled out? You were a bit of a bolt.

You were also too busy doing things that you shouldn't be doing. You know, you were hanging around all hours a night. with people who weren't getting anything accomplished, and you weren't getting anything accomplished either, because you were too tired. That's fucking interesting. I don't think it was that you didn't want to accomplish anything. It's that you didn't have any energy reserves left to do it.

You know, all day long you're trying to put $60 together. They can do a gram of Coke. All day long, you're thinking about the next three days of the addiction. We should have really used that $60 for something else. Oh, please. Tell me about it. Fucking tell me about it. I just finished paying.

the card with you. But your priorities have changed. Oh, please. I just finished paying the fucking cards from the damage. Yeah, oh, please. Two cards, I snorted. It took years to do. It took years to get all that off, you know. And when you're doing it, you don't

realize how much damage you're doing to your future. All you're thinking about is how much I can shove up my nose right now. There was no future. Yeah, you didn't even think you had a future. I don't have a future.

You didn't consider the possibility of life after two months down the road, you know, after your last booked a gig, you know, if you had a, if it was July and you had a gig in September, then that's all you were thinking about is getting through September. You didn't even think that there was a life after September. No, no, there never was. I thought it was going to end that night. I think deep down inside I wanted it to end that night, you know. But it never did.

So I had to figure something to fuck out. Yeah. You know, I didn't want you to find me on the floor. You tried many times for it to end that night. Yeah, yeah. But you know what? You smoked enough cigarettes and burning up holes in the carpet. Do you remember that night?

I first had to sleep at me, honey. And I would smoke a coke and I would smoke cigarettes and burn the carpet like a junkie. And then snort coke up your nose because that's so helpful. Yeah, I would fucking smoke cigarettes and pass out on the carpet with the fucking cigarette on fire. Oh, fucking terrible. There were, Lee, I'm not lying to you, 50 to 70 cigarette burns on our carpet. Oh, Jesus. We had to replace the carpet.

It was horrible. This is ridiculous. And, uh... Thank you for sticking around. At some point, you just, it's worn out. why did you stay around for so long terry i have no idea uh i mean honestly i had gone home september the year before we got married and had talked to my brother about the possibility of moving that home because i had uh you know and and this was after all of it you know because i was

like so what's the point if he's going to quit everything and clean and himself up and then he's still not going to think that I'm worth anything because he was dragging his past around. Joey has a tendency to drag his past with him and not let go of it and not see what's happening in front of him for fear of what happened before. And it just was, it just, I couldn't take it anymore. And I was, and then luckily he came to his sentence. She didn't even say nothing to me. No, I didn't tell him. I didn't know. I just knew something was not right. I knew that I didn't want to lose her. So. I had to clean it up a little bit.

And then the main thing was, Tara, I didn't want you finding me on the floor. I didn't think you deserved that. No, I told you I didn't deserve that. No, I wouldn't mind getting shot at sign. I was terrified of finding you on the floor. No, I know. It's a terrible way to sleep,

thinking you're going to find somebody on the fucking floor, you know? You know, it's a terrible way to sleep already when somebody's practically dying every five minutes next to you because their breathing stops, the heart stops, everything stops with a sleep at me. And I couldn't get you to go see a doctor there. and I think it was because you didn't want anybody to find out she were still doing coke. Yeah, probably.

It's fucking crazy, huh? I was at my width end, you know? And, you know, Lee, I loved him, but that doesn't mean that I was willing to put up with him forever. So don't think that, because that ain't true. What uh to to move it towards the the awesome moving forward if he didn't continually try to move forward every few you know months and like if he kept defending if he defended his coke like he defends his pot we wouldn't be together yeah no and mind you i hate pot to uh you just had how old is mercy now a few three months Four months old? Four months old? Four months. If you had had Mercy five years ago, right before Joey got off the Coke, what would the difference have been? I think five years ago we'd have been fine. Ten years ago, we would have been a disaster.

Do you think so? What do you think would have been the difference? Five years ago, it would have just prodded him to do all that he's doing faster. Ten years ago, it would have prodded him to leave. you think so? Yeah. What do you think, Joey? It would have been too much. It would have been cutting into my addiction. Yeah. Do you follow me?

We're just talking about this. That would have been cutting into my addiction. Nothing could fuck with your addiction. And I would have had... She couldn't deal with it. She wouldn't deal with it. I would have had anybody out here for a support system. So it would have been one more daughter that he has no contact with.

now to because I think it's great but tell tell a story about Joey with mercy just something that he hasn't told people yet like tell something funny I told him I said you know I suck her toes

because that is disgusting he goes don't suck her toes that's so nasty her feet look like my feet and if you had a day before he left he goes you know I suck on her toes they are the

They are. They're fucking delicious. The fingernails, all the toenails are delicious. They are delicious. Tso jam tastes totally different than a dog. It's fucking delicious. It's delicious. It's got no taste of it. I love you, baby. Thank you for calling. You're a fucking great wife, and that's why I love you. What are you making for breakfast? I ain't making nothing for breakfast.

Yeah, I make something. I know, mercy. You're awake and asleep and awake and asleep. I can't kind of figure out what I want to do this morning. You're going to make oatmeal, baby? Huh? Am I going to make you oatmeal? Yes. I don't know.

Leave me alone and let me get dressed. All right, I love you. Have a good day. Love you, too. See you later, Lee. Bye, Terry. You're my favorite guest on this show. I love when you call.

But thank you. I'll talk to you boys later. Bye. She has to call every day. I love when she goes. I don't fuck around. I was fucked up, guys. I was, and I know a lot of you

is listen to this and you're going through the same shit. I'm telling you, man, it's a lot of easier in what you think. It really is a lot of easier. Go look at one person that makes a difference in your life. Just go look at them. Go look at the person that's put up with everything. It could be your aunt, can be your mother.

Go look at them and look at them and picture them at your fucking funeral. You know? Because there's idiots that are going to be on your funeral. He was my friend. I just saw him. We just went to a Red Sock game, you know. But, you know, I'm talking about, and I'm not making fun of the Red Sox, I'm just saying, you know,

that's the kind of people who show up on a drunk guy. We just went through a Red Thong game. You know, look at these people and see what their life's going to be like without you. Think about them having to answer questions about you or your kids or whatever. Think about that shit. Fuck rehab and fuck hugs and all that shit. You know, grab what's between your fucking legs and go, I'm not doing it no more. I'm not fucking doing it.

I'm not living like this no more. I can't keep putting these people around me through this. And that works faster than anything in the world. And then look and see real quick. Just write down, write it down. Just look and see what you think is really the cause of this. Just write down. What do you think?

You know, whatever, somebody molested you, whatever fucking mind fuck you have for what you think while you're doing this is not even close to what the thing is. Because I thought for years there was mommy dying. It ain't about my mommy. And I'm about my fucking mommy. This was about other shit that was killing me inside. Not that I got raped, the finger banged by this.

This is about shit like, you know, not making a fucking basketball team kill me. The thing with my uncle killed me. These are the little things in your life that change you and change your thinking. Attack those things. Don't worry about what you think. Oh, my girlfriend dumped me. That don't give a fuck. Pussies everywhere.

It flies. So, you know, Terry said you went home in September. When did a super bad happen, do you think? Super bad happened I'm not sure Super bad happened I'm not we got married off a fucking whim

I went and spoke to a friend of mine and we were talking to Mount 7th and he brought it up and it hit me like a ton of bricks we got married in two months we talked about in September we were married in November well like the question

I had and we'll talk about this in a second but the question I had was let's say Superbad hadn't happened and you're stolen coke and Terry had left What do you think would have happened? By now, I'd probably be back on the East Coast, working at a school somewhere in North Bergen, doing comedy, living on somebody's cats.

Who knows? Who really fucking knows? Yeah. Who really knows what turned me around? What really got me thinking was when Maryland was dying of cancer. Excuse me, that really got me thinking. Like, something has to change. I was here.

I had done movies. I had done TV and I couldn't get a bite. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong and I wasn't doing nothing wrong. It was just me. It was the paranoia. It was myself, you know? And I looked at her for what she was.

She had stayed, you know, during the longest shot, I realized she was my wife. I just didn't know if I wanted to get married again. What's the use of getting married? You love somebody, they love you, but you got to marry them to make a paper. You got to make a paper for women's sake, for their parents, for their head.

You know, if it was me and you, I don't give a fuck. I ain't getting fucking married. Nobody wants to get fucking married. But I had to do this for her. You know, right now, the baby, you know what? I've done a movie, like I graduated high school. Believe it or not, I got college classes, and I was short credits and shit, but I still went. I never thought I would go.

I never thought I had the money to go. You know, I won a couple contests doing comedy. Just the fact that I'm still here, it's a great accomplishment. But the best thing I ever did for anybody was what I'm doing for. this woman because when I see her in the morning playing with that baby I'm making her world I always talk about making somebody's day like today's a beautiful day to make somebody's day it really is telling somebody they look nice helping somebody with the groceries somebody you don't fucking know or somebody you know but you're not doing it for

an underlying reason you're doing it because you want to do it you know because you want to make that day you want them to smile you have no idea how easy it is to turn somebody's day around with just the simplest thing with I don't see it coming I want to make her life I wanted to make her life. If I get hit by a car when I walk out of here, because there's always parking across the street line. You know, I run across, and I get hit by a car. You know what, man?

She's going to be happy. She's got that little girl. Yeah. And her life with her. No woman, every woman would be 25. If you're a woman and you're just one of these dummies that sits there, like, I don't want kids the same way. We talk about they don't want to be married.

I want to be single. I want to live with my mother. You know those idiots? You're one of those women. You're missing out. woman because the whole purpose of being a woman is spitting out with these little motherfuckers and you know I didn't know this

20 years ago I did but I didn't because I didn't see it yeah now I see it with this woman and you're not you're not saying like that's all they're good for but it's like it's part of the experience it's their experience they were born with fucking two things to spit out kids

we weren't yeah you follow me I'm not putting down any women out there what I'm saying is that it's who you are It's really your identity. You know, if you look at the earliest fucking cave guys and all that shit, that's who we really are. We've just doped it up over the years. But that's the simplest way.

Yeah. You know, we go out and hunt and the gatherers and you raise the children and, you know, whatever. I'm not saying nothing wrong. What I'm saying is that I see the difference when a woman has a baby and when a woman doesn't have a baby. Yeah. I see it with Mrs. Rogan. I see it with my wife. I see it with my friend Damon and Leslie.

And I never saw these things before. I never saw these things before. And a lot of the listeners are probably 35 going, Joey, what the fuck are you talking about? I've never seen this before. Yesterday, guys, I seen a hot-ass pregnant bitch. A hot-ass pregnant woman. Bang and beautiful. She was ready to bust, and I still would eat that fucking over-inflated clip.

She was fucking beautiful, beautiful. I've seen women in Colorado with ski boots on, fucking nine months pregnant. Yeah. Then you'd bend over. They're fucking beautiful. And this is way before my wife had to. kid. Yeah. This is just general purposes, you know. Is that why you were so nervous when she was pregnant? Because, like, you knew what was, like, it was going to be, like, a big thing.

Like, it was, like, you were excited for her and made you nervous? I was excited for her. I was excited for her, but the same time, she's 40-fucking three years old, my wife. Yeah. Look on the internet. Look what it says about 43-year-old women giving birth, and you'll fucking take the computer and throw out the window. And I made the mistake that you're going on the computer. I didn't believe. And you know what, man, nothing in this life happens unless you fucking believe. You got to believe. You know, and, uh, In 1969, the Mets won the World Series. And that was their slogan.

Something about believe. And I remember being a little kid from Cuba and watching the games afterward, my mom cheering. I remember thinking about that whole expression. You got to believe or believe or whatever the fuck it is. And it goes all the way down to simplest things. I do it every day. Sometimes before, when I'm in the shower,

I'm thinking about this. I'm watching this in my head. You know, when I go home and I'm preparing my set for the night or I'm writing a joke, I see myself on stage. By the way, Thursday night, we got to New Jersey and across the street

at the same theater, Lewis Black was playing. Oh, cool. And it was really weird. I went over there and watched his first 30 minutes or something. It's really weird

when you watch comedy and you do comedy. And to see it in that situation, you know, it taught me a lot, something I don't do. It's something I don't do enough of. And I go to comedy clubs

and watch comics because I'm there. But I sat in the audience this time. Yeah. In the general admission, I sat a great time. I got a beer and I sat there. I drank three beers this week.

Oh shit. Three fucked. That's more beers than I drink in a year. I know. How fucking crazy is that? Even the bartender at the ice house was like, you want your armaretto and milk? Amaretto and milk.

How much of a pussy in mind? I want to give a shout out today to a cop, Gino from Hoboken, who showed up at the shows with a bag of wetmutzel. And fucking bread and fucking wine. Really? Oh, my God. And fucking tomato.

old pies from Hoboken. I mean, this food was so fucking good. The funny thing was, I ate a little bit of Muzadelle on the bread, and I called around to see how I was going to sneak it back, but something happened. The game ended, the fight ended up one in the morning in the other night. So everybody was hungry, so I went up to the room, we devoured

the wet mozzarella. All that's left was the water and the baggie. They devoured the bread. The bread, by that time, it got a little harder. My jaw still fucking. It's like I sucked 19 dicks. But, but yeah, And then so you and Charlie got married in two months.

That's crazy. In two months. I went and talked to a dear friend of mine and we were talking about a bunch of shit. And he asked me off the cuff, when are you going to marry her? And I started thinking about it, and I went home and called her. And so let's just get married. Pick the ring tonight.

And we did. We did everything unorthodox, but we did it. She wanted to do it that way, too, so that helps. Sometimes you meet a broad, the fact. fucking wants to walk down an aisle. I gotta fucking have her cousins there. Fuck that shit. She was like, we're doing this quick and shit. I think, I'll ask her next time she calls. I think if you

had gotten down on one knee and then that whole thing with Terry, she probably would have laughed at you. She would have laughed at me, kick me in the stomach probably. That's how my wife rose. Steve Azavito, he brought me some fucking clothes from my wife. This guy's a bad motherfucker. Mikey L.

Gil Martinez, Chris Trada, Mark Blake. Malin Khan, I love you, Cocksucker. And Michelle and Jeffrey, happy anniversary. We know the fucker these your birthdays. Fuck her up the ass day. I don't know what you're going to do.

You know what I'm saying? I don't know what to fucking tell you, Lee. You know, it's a beautiful day to be alive. We kept it short today. I want to talk about on it this weekend. How I brought Onet, because I knew I would be around a lot of people. I brought the immune tech with me. The whole...

Yeah, because you're flying a lot. I fly a lot. And I tell you, man, if you fly a lot, you go buses a lot. You do a lot of contact with people. what do you call that shit you work at a bank or whatever the fuck you do go to honor dot com

and take a look at their product seriously I'm not even kidding you here you know we work for them we have a taste of the fucking thing when you click but here's the deal for the truth I eat this shit if you notice and you listen to a lot of podcasts they got 19 fucking things they want to do

be and Lee look at everything because Lee has a job and I have a job I'd rather be honest with you people than try to push something down your throat you're not going to fucking help I'm still waiting for the people to contact me with those chocolate strawberries again for Mother's Day, we're waiting on the

Men's Razor Club. Because guys, we'll listen, a dollar a month, or whatever the fuck it is, it's a deal in itself. What we're doing today is this. Simple, fucking simple. All right, you're going to go to audit. Go read through the fucking webpage. Maybe you want a rope. I can't help you with those. But as long as the vitamins and the minerals,

the Shroom Tech Sport, the Shroom Tech immune, the Strong Bone, which I'm still on. I got a little bit left. I'm going to finish that. I hit a protein shake this morning with a fucking banana and milk. I put a couple ice cubes in it. Look at that. I ain't fart.

It's fart free. Right or wrong? You didn't smell a fart. You don't smell my asshole coming at you. There's still plenty of time left. You're absolutely right. At least you're a positive fucking young man, Lee. See what you got?

You want to start? You want to be a healthy fat fuck like Roy Nelson? That's it. Nobody's putting you down, man. Listen, it bothered me the obesity problem because you're fucking it up for every little mid-chubby guy. Now, now everybody's got to get shit from Governor Christie. For some people, it works.

You never seen a guy that's, That's 80 and it's a little fucking chubby. Listen, I can't carry these 300 pounds and I'm 55. And I'm working at that. I'm trying to chip it off. I like to be under 250 by the time I'm 55. Because after that, it's torture on your knees.

It really is. My knees don't hurt. My shoulder hurts when I fly. The fucking dude always next to me is always bumping me and shit. So now I figure out I've got to fly with a slink. You're going to put a sling on? Like an old school fucking Jew. That's how I just so people won't touch me.

If you touch me, I'll fucking sue you. I'm an attorney on speed dog. He's on three You know what I'm saying Two is my pop dealer Get your shit together What's up, Leo What are your plans, brother?

Just Wednesday You work five days straight now? Five days a week, yeah For four months This shows for four months And then starting Just fast on Wednesday If anyone wants to do it

And how many times you're losing now You only go on 30 days You're doing? Yeah, I lost 66 last time In 36 days So I'd like to lose at least 50 And that would put me within 50 pounds.

You do a jumping jack today? Fuck you. Let's see you do a jumping jack. Yeah. One jumping jack. One jumping jack for the people. My pants are going to fall down. That's okay.

That's what people want to see. Do one jumping jack. Come on. It's mugging. It's a fucking jumping jack. It's a beautiful day to be alive. If you do a jumping jack, I do a jumping jack, everybody does a fucking jumping jack.

I want to talk something. I'm like this. I like this. You see? That's it. Do a fucking jumping jack, you know? I was telling. It's funny.

My neighbors are going to hate me. No, I'm not going to fucking hate me. They'll love you. Jackson. That's better than most fucking people doing a goddamn ear. It's funny because I was having lunch with Joe and he asked me what I took from the De Niro movie. He goes,

what did you really learn? Did he teach you? You know what I learned, bro? That you gotta fucking stay in shame. You gotta fucking stay sharp. You really do. At 68 years old, this guy gets up here before. He does calisthenics which the whole world has, everybody walks around

fat, but the whole world doesn't need to join the gym. You don't need to do nothing. You get up in the morning, you move your coffee table, you put the TV on, you stretch, you do four sets of 25 sit-ups and four. Think about this shit. Yeah. Knee bends with your arms up, jumping jacks, fucking squats, burpees. And that's the shit he does.

And I'm like, it sounds so dumb and so like President's Award type exercising, but it's got to work. Yeah, I mean, it's a body weight. Everyone talks about body weight exercise. And he goes, I do that. for an hour. Jumping jacks. Sit-ups, push-ups, fucking shrugs, whatever. Pull yourself up on a fucking pipe. You know, I've never pulled myself up on a fucking pipe. I'm either. You neither? My shoulders are so fucking weak. I can't pull myself up.

I can do so many things I can fly through the air and throw flying sidekicks, but I can't fucking... Wait, Lee, where's the reefer? You smoked it. No, stop. What did you do with it? You stole that fucking joint. I don't know what you did with my phony cigarette. Oh, here it is. Before we started the podcast, he almost let his phone a cigarette. Why are you telling people that shit for it? Why are you bullshit to bleak?

Probably would have said the whole place on fire. No. This motherfucker's turning on to. I got a new one. Motherfucker. We got four joints for that left for war, but I got to save those because we got this no-hole PR. What do we got this week?

We got another podcast. Wednesday, I got a great fucking guest for you. If you're an Ozzy Osbourne fan, make sure you listen on Wednesday. What do we got this week? I'm going to be in Austin, motherfucking Texas. Oh, shit. Oh, a Cap City Comedy Club.

I can't wait. I'm going to gain 15 fucking pounds. So what days are the shows? Thursday, one show, Friday, two shows, Saturday, two shows. We're going to Chewis. We're going to that one fucking barbecue place. Forget about it. I'm going to run up and down.

My friends are coming up from Midland. My friends are coming down from Houston and Dallas. I love Texas. I can't wait. So come on out. It's going to be a fucking party. Next Thursday, me and Ari Shafir, where it's Stand Up Live. It's Phoenix, Arizona.

Oh, shit. My girl, Yolanda Cano's coming. and down from fucking Jaguars a strip club. I'm going to have some beautiful women there for you guys. She's a beautiful girl on Facebook. I love her dead. She's a single mom. And then 516th through the 18th I'm going to be in Long Island and governors.

Come on down, let's party. I've seen a lot of people, Doug Lee. I've seen a lot of little fucking shirts this weekend. I saw that at the ice house. This guy had the hoodie. The hoodie looks good. The hoodie looks good, but I saw people with Burr-Kreysha T-shirts. I saw people beating the Beast T-T-shirts.

I saw people with Joe Roe. T-shirts. The guy's at the fucking thing. I sell Pete, they had an R.E. Shafia T-shirt. Let me tell you something, man. You guys are really supporting that squad. And it means the world to us. When we go to a fucking show, we see our people. You know, there's going to be some people. Oh, yeah,

whatever. I'm going to go see that fat fuck. But, you know, there's people. We know what the fuck is really crack-a-wacking. What's happening sexy? Look at you. You got an sexy chick over here when her husband walked by and I yelled, and they look at it. She's looking around. So what the fuck's wrong with the elevator? I don't know. It was working last night.

You got no water to the. Hey, where you're going to take a shower? You're going to jump in the pool like a Rican? No, they're supposed to turn it back on at 4, so we'll see. But then when you're turning on, it's that brown water. So I'll turn it on for a second. So make sure you wash your pussy this morning just to make sure you're coming. Wash your hair, wash your beard.

Oh, shit. That's a good thing about eating beer. And if you eat ass, it stays with you. It's finger-banging somebody. That's a little ass. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, you dirty motherfucker. What else, Lee? You got nothing else with Uncle Joe.

We had a good time at that live podcast. I love it. You know, I was against those things. I'm not going to fucking lie to you. Lee kept busting my balls. I was against those fucking things. I was going to take this cigarette. I got an inch in my ear.

You ever have an inching your fucking ear? Ooh, now I got a parliament. It's a waxy cigar. The live fucking podcast is something that Felicia discussed it with me. I went to see one of them, and I thought it was terrible. It was more like a game show.

It was more like a talk show, and I didn't want that effect. You know, and even though I go up there and crack a fucking couple jokes, on Lee and the Lee jumps in that Bert jumps in. I was on, I was crazy that night. I was fucking stupid.

Yeah, you had fucking eight edibles that day or something. Oh, when we got there, Jordan Lee, our buddy, offered us another fucking strength bar. Yeah. And that shit took me over the top. I blacked out on T.H. That man.

Some people blacked on alcohol. Some people blind you with science. Some people fucking, forget about it. I fucking blacked out on T. T.H.C. that day. Yeah, you called me at 11 a.m. the next day. Like, what did I say? Because you're getting tweets.

You're like, I don't remember what I said. I'm like, oh, God. Oh, my God. What I fucking said, the deport thing from Washwich, we were so high. We just looked at each other. We giggled and giggled. And I, bro, listen, that's what it's all about. If you think I want you to come to a live podcast to stare at me and then get a fanned

or something, go fuck yourself. We're having too much of a good time. Too much of a fucking good time. And that's it. Go to joey cuckoldears. Right? That's it. Yep.

Look at the t-shirts. Look at the hooties. Also, look at the tour dates. If I'm coming to the area, I'm going to Salt Lake City. Oh, shit. I'm going to San Jose with the flying Jew and try to do a podcast up there. I'm going, I'm going to Philly, Portland, Buffalo,

Grand Rapids, fucking Michigan with some dirty motherfuckers. I love it. Oh, shit. Grand Rapids, chicks will come down with dirt on their feet and some fucking sand from each. I mean, you know, the whole fucking deal here. That's it.

I don't know what else to tell you. No, that's awesome. Podcast days. It's a nice little way to start the Monday. Not too much drama. I know you people expect the explosives and shit. I had my wife call in. I want to just talk about addiction today.

I wanted to talk about fears and the thing that fucking affect the people who listen to this podcast amongst. I'll tell you what, we all have fear. Dog, I'm scared every fucking day. But that's what makes your life special. You have that little bit of fear to you. Take that fear. You flip that motherfucker.

And sometimes I get so pissed that I'm scared. You ever get that's pissed that you're scared? Yeah. Like you go, what the fuck at my school? Get that fucking brink. I'll eat that motherfucker right now. And that's why sometimes I get myself so. I got so insecure sometimes

And I get so pissed at the insecurity That I want to fucking strangle myself I want to go up there So even if you use it that way Take the fear Turn into fucking hate Or whatever the fuck it is I'm telling you just for that minute

If not you take the You take the fucking The focus off you That's all we do What we're fear We're putting the focus on ourselves Fuck that shit Fuck us

We know what we're gonna do We're gonna take it to the hoop Like we do every fucking day That's it Plain it simple. It's fucking Monday today. Roll a juke, wash your pussy, wash your cock, pull the skin back, rub the fucking creases. Somebody's going to suck your dick this week, and you want to be prepared to go to war.

What the fuck am I saying, Lee, that fucking ju-jujuice. That remedy water is killing the motherfucker. That and the three edibles you had here and whatever you had, I mean, three joints you had here, whatever you had at home. I only had a bunk and a protein shake. And an alpha brain and a couple shrewd texts on my blood pressing medication. I'm on fire right now. I need some breast milk

And I'm ready to fucking go Oh geez I forgot to spray my nose this morning This is fucking killing me I doctors put Elizocaine in my nose When you check my ear Yeah It destroyed my nose

It took my nose back to 19 fucking 84 Oh really Oh the cat piss came out Yeah so I gotta spray my nose I gotta wash both sides But hey What's I got to do with you motherfucker

It's nothing It's Monday All right It's Monday I need for you to write your goals For the week I need for you to fucking Prepare your menu

for the week and need for you to eat some fruit and if you're sick, make an appointment, need for you to get insurance. We need for you to be straight. Dead Squad, I love you, motherfuckers. Harlem, Dead Squad, Grand Rapids, Dead Squad, Nashville, Dead Squad, Connecticut, Dead Squad. I love you, motherfuckers.

Pick up a piece of paper today, do something. Kick an old lady, I don't give a fuck. Do something, all right, Lee, what are you going to do? You want to work? What do you got for me today, Lee? I got work. What music you got for me? Oh, okay, here we'll get some Curtis Mayfield. Oh, before Curtis Mayfield, do me a fame on Wednesday.

We're going to have a great podcast. I'm going to show you some shirts by a new friend of mine. No, no friend. He's been a dear friend of mine. To FOIA up at 510. He's got a clothing line there. Muse. What is it?

Muse.com. It's 9. M-U-S-E-C-O.com. Co-C-O-com. Yeah. Take a look at the clothing line. We got some shirts here. I want to put them on on Monday and fuck around with you guys on Wednesday.

I'm sorry. And besides that, I'll see you motherfuckers on Wednesday. Do me a favor. Have a great day today. Have a great day tomorrow. Stay positive. Stay beautiful. Stay black.

We love you. Throw a kiss. Lee. Cut the shit. Love you guys? Music lead. Don't talk about business. Oh, shit.

Poodoo. But do, but do, but do. Boop, boom, boom, boom. Hit it Lee. I love the album. Come up for this. Straight gangster music. Get you all.

Oh. Bang. And you.