The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #043 - DOUG STANHOPE - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Monday, March 1st..... Today, we talked with our friend Doug Stanhope.... This episode is brought to you by MVMT Watches & ONNIT...... Go to https://www.MVMT.com/Joey Go to https://www.onnit.com and enter Code: CHURCH And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday. March the first. It's a whole new fucking set of rules. Greetings from the joint. The joint is brought to you by, number one, movement watches. But first, I got a little story for you. In a tiny apartment in Southern California, two guys revolutionized the watch business. A couple of college dropouts came in and shook things up. Fair prices, new colors, fresh designs. And now, movement is an international brand. Way more than just watches. They've expanded into blue light glasses, jewelry, and more. Let me tell you something. The glasses they sent me are tremendous for the computer

or for when I'm in the car driving. I love them. I look like a fucking professor. It makes me look smart. But besides that, the watch they sent me, the Watson element international waters because I'm an international man of mystery is also tremendous.

These movement watches are smart. Their pieces look like they cost a half a stack, but since they own the process and do everything online, you end up paying a fraction of what they would charge you in the department store. So do me a favor. You got no middleman. Movement passes that quality onto you.

Ships free, and if you don't love it, send it back, and it's all for free. It's all forgotten. Elevate your look today. but don't break the bank. Join the movement and get 15% off today. 15% off with free shipping and free returns by going to mbmt.com slash Joey.

Again, it's movement watches, but for now, for the website, it's mbmt.com slash Joey. You're showing up with nothing but heart and a movement watch. You understand me? They're beautiful. They're rugged.

I love them. The church, ah, the church. is also brought to you by my favorite company the world on it listen when it comes to supplement on it's got you whether it's the shroom tech whether it's the alpha brain whether it's the new mood the the shrew the alpha brain powder that you put into your little six eight ounces of water and shake it up they've got the the new snacks the the chips the spicy cheddar and I also just put a video up for the

chocolate peanut butter cups like that's not a chocolate peanut butter cup it's like chocolate with peanut butter in it but there's seven grams of protein they call them like protein bites listen i love honor as a company i love what they provide i love what they do their service you know alpha brand you get alpha brand you don't like it which is that flagship product if it doesn't work for you you tell them they'll send you the money back and you can keep the product that's a company that's a company that cares that's why i do business with honor so go to outa.com right now and press in church C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off your first order. That's it and that's that.

It's Monday, the 1st of March. Let's get this party started. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers Monday morning? March 1st. Can you believe it's fucking March 1st in like 10 days? It's going to be when the fucking pandemic shut everything down, St. Patty's Day. So we're a year away.

So this costs us a year of our lives. But we did it. We're almost there. That's it. It's springtime and fucking 21 days or some shit. We fucking did it. Out of celebration, I wore my little light blue because it's Monday.

I want to come out looking good. I got my little hairdo do. Done. Everything's good. I'm off the fucking pain pills. They fucking narrowed me down to Vicodin. On Monday, I didn't take a Vicodin until Wednesday. I got a little fucked up on Thursday.

And I'm like, that's it. I'm done. I'm only good with Vikingin for like two days. That's it. After that, I can't deal with it no more. But we fucking passed on from the oxies. Everybody's okay. Everybody's alive and kicking.

And we're here for another fun Monday. For the last couple weeks, ever since I left L.A., I've been thinking about him, and I've been talking a lot about him on the podcast because I hadn't seen him in years. But I didn't realize that I got. to New Jersey and unwind and everything. Yes, Rogan helped me a lot in comedy. Ralph, he helped me a lot in comedy.

You know, Missy Shore helped me. I had a lot of help in comedy. But one of the guys that gave me the biggest boost ever, a boost is like in the street of boosters, if I went up to mic and gave him five grand. You know, how would you feel? You feel like a brand new man. The first person to really give me a boost in comedy

was Doug Stanhope. I've said that a thousand times. I met him in 91, 92. He did the broker joker once or twice. He slept over one time. You know, he gave me advice, and then I didn't talk to him for a long time. And then I bumped into them in Seattle in 95, 96. I did New Year's for them in 97.

96, I think we did New Year's together, and the rest was history. He pumped me up, man. He built me up. And he said, great things. to me. He helped my confidence. And it was him who gave me the push to actually get the balls

to fucking move to LA because if it was up to me, I was scared. You know, I was like, I was nothing was ever going to happen. I was so fucking negative, you know, between the drugs and, you know, my past. I didn't think I could move past that. And he was like a fucking brother to me. I lived with him. I stayed

with him. You know, he called the comedy store for me and gave me a reference. So as far as I'm concerned, he's one of my mentors. He's one of my best friends. He's one of my brothers. So what we did this weekend is, you've had enough of me. You've had enough of me.

I've had enough of me. I'm sick of fucking talking. I did a fucking Zoom over the weekend with Doug Stanhope. And I hope you enjoy it. That's all I can tell you. I'll check him with you's afterward. Thank you for coming on and watching. Enjoy this.

Doug, what's happening? when you left L.A. was the end and I didn't even realize that at that time. That was the end. It seems like when it started. Yeah, it was just bullshit. It's good that I get to see you live

in a fucking person finally. You look good. Are we going? Yeah, we're on. All right, good. Yeah, no, it seems like L.A. started when I left. That's when the comedy store

became booming. and yeah but then it just grew into something else i think you were you had everybody on shakedown you you had everybody everybody was checked when you were in town once you left the checking went away they they all got cocky and you know everybody started driving Lamborghinis and the comic and shit it was just too much man how you doing down there uh beautiful i i i love doing nothing I love being at home. I don't miss comedy. So, yeah, I get the perfect setup for, as a shut in down here.

Why don't you miss comedy, Doug? I don't know. It's fucking just, I'm constant headache of trying to come up with new shit. That cycle of going, you know, every two years going, I've fucking got nothing. I have no interest. I have no, you know, there's nothing in my life or in the news that I care to fucking. can rail about and I'll never be funny again.

And then you get the one thing, you go, oh, fuck, I can't wait to do this on stage. So, right now I don't have that one thing, but I'll find it. I've been getting on stage once a week, and I enjoy it when I'm doing it, but I don't really want to do it.

It's the craziest thing. I'm not looking to travel. I'm not looking to do dick. Yeah, I saw Ellen Errigan tweeted a picture of her, flying in or out of Philly and she's in a plane with a mask on and then one of the plastic shields in front of the mask. And I like, no, I like flying to fucking get drunk in first class. I want to be pulling down a mask and sipping. And then I get the smokers cough, which is going to have four rows on either side staring back at me.

How you doing with the non-smoking? Oh, that failed quickly. Fuck it. You quit. 10 days? All right. Yeah, it's like what you're talking about

it is just listening in episode 41 where you talked about I had to quit doing Coke 10,000 times before it's stuck. So yeah. 10,000.

I'll wake up in the morning. I'll wake up in the morning and I won't smoke till like after, you know, the day is done and happy hour cocktails. And then the more I'm determined to quit that day, the more I'm thinking about smoking and the earlier I start

because I'm thinking about quitting too much. And then I'm thinking about smoking. When it's in your head like that, you can't quit. That's the way the cocaine was in my head. Like I just, the more I wanted to quit, I would quit and then call the guy 10 minutes later. Like, what the fuck am I doing? I just quit doing coke. And then I would call the guy in my mind, you know. So are you saying that you're not going to go on the road anymore? No, no, I get dates, but not until August. And, yeah, I'll get the vaccine. I'll be the last guy to get the vaccine right before I get on a plane. But I'm enjoying doing nothing. I have not slept in my own bed

for an entire year since I was 17 years old. Like, to actually just be at your house for a fucking year is, I mean, it's, I might as well be, you know, I've moved to a fucking South American country changing your life that much, knowing where your shit is. Hey, do you have two kids? They're on the spice rack right next to the fucking Tony Saturys and the

salt and pepper. I know that now. When's the last time you knew where all your shit was? And you just moved to Jersey. So, like, you have a brand new place. You know where all your shit is. When's the last time that happened? It's fucking crazy. I can't even see myself going to the airport.

I think I would have an anxiety attack as soon as I walked into the fucking airport. I would drop right on the floor from a panic attack. And just everyone else's levels of rage would put me into a level of rage. That's the other thing. See, my big thing is it to COVID as much as getting on a plane in Burbank

at one in the afternoon, landing in Vegas at 212, and I get a call that Brody's dead. Now, let's play this a different way. You go to Arizona, you get on a plane, you're going up to Boston, you get the 6 a.m. flight. When you land in Boston,

four white cops shot two guys the night before. Now, and they're riding two blocks from the comedy club. Fuck. You know, do you need this in your life, Doug? No, no, I don't. And this is where I'm coming from. I'm not in love with comedy anymore. Like I did, if I'm going on 30 years, you're going on 31 or 32.

31, 31 in August, yeah. Because I met you at the broker in 91. You came in as a feature act. And then in 92, you got evening at the improv and you became a headliner. I just wanted to say, like, you know how people send you an email? or a tweet going, hey, they were talking about you on this podcast, and you'd go listen to the podcast to hear your name. I got old someone's whole podcast just to hear my name.

And then at that point, I don't even need to hear my name. But anytime someone sends me you talking about me, I always fucking listen because you make, first of all, you're always fucking make me sound great. But your facts are always fucked up. I'm always yelling at my, no, that was like 95 when, you said it was 85. I was in high school.

No, I get high, and I get, I get high and I get confused, but I started hosting. You're right about that. It was, yeah, it was probably around 90,

92 or 93 that I met you in Boulder. You had to push me pull you, you, you had to push me pull you, uh, flu where you don't know which end to fucking aim at the toilet and which end to aim at the trash can.

Yep, yep. I vividly remember that. I remember you slept all of my house one night because the old Colorado run was Boulder and then Craig on Thursday. Remember you had Wednesdays up? It did freeze up. Yeah, you did for a second. But yeah, it was the Joker broker in Boulder.

And I remember that. And then you were off on Thursday on Wednesday. I was living out of my car at the time and my license was about to expire. but in Colorado, they gave it to you the same day. So I had a driver's license with the address of the Joker broker and the room number as my apartment for years. And then I had my friend sell you a car and you put. Oh, yeah, that Dodge Neon.

Mike Kessler, you put, you put his address down as a reference of some shit, Uncle Mike. I remember that Dodge Neon because shortly after I bought. that my first CD came out so I had a trunk full of copies of my new CD and someone broke into my car to steal a change they smashed the window to steal the change out of the change dish but didn't take a single one of my fucking CDs that's crazy didn't your car get broken into the night of the finals at the San Francisco comedy competition your car always gets breaking into it bad because they stole all these everything I owned was in the car so they stole all the all my shit. So I stand in there in this thrift store suit, the check for $10,000 at just one.

And this piece of shit car with all my belongings gone. And I was smiling from fucking ear to ear. I didn't need that shit. That is crazy, Doug. It has been a long fucking journey, my friend. That's the other thing. Like, I'm coming on 30 years now. I started as a doorman at Witt's End. And then I became, I got on stage at the, at the, uh, Comedy Works, and then I got the hosting gig at the broker until 93. So I'm like you. I mean, I've done everything I wanted to do already in comedy. Right now, I enjoy it just going on stage for 30 people once a week.

But I don't think I could do a whole weekend at a comedy club anymore. Yeah, the traveling involved, I'll get back into it. but right now I'm really just happy to be home. And you still own the whole block? And I know everyone on both blocks. I walk the dog, you know, about eight blocks around, and I know Sammy and I know Patrick, and I know Alex and Aaron,

and I know Sandy and Sean. And so, like, I know all my neighbors. I'm like, my dad, I wave. I make a little small talk about the weather. I move on. I'm like you. I still don't pick up dog. but I'm the nicest neighbor in the world.

I won't pick that shit up. That's why I won't get a fucking dog. Fuck that. I remember you yelling about that all the time in L.A. These fucking people picking up dog shit. Who the fuck does that? Where we live, it's the fucking desert. So there's packs of havelinas.

And there's fucking deer. And there's, you know, you got rabbit shit. You got cow shit. You got horse shit. You got fucking wild pigs shit. And I'm going to clean up. my dog shit? No. It's shit from everything out there. Why is it dog

special? Now, how far are you from Phoenix, a civilization? About three and a half, four hours. And you love it. Is Murphy still down there with you? Morgan? Morgan's still a place down here, so she comes down. She had that surgery,

so I haven't seen much of her in the last year. And is a comedy club still going down there? Yo. yeah there you are is the comedy club still going on down there oh that's a beggar's place

yeah he he still has a bar over there uh but uh they they do comedy here and again he couldn't fuck he can't make a comedy club work full time in a town of 5,000 people he had big dreams but i mean if you have a bar you're going to have customers down here so

yeah he's doing all right that's a big drinking area down there Yeah. So what's the future of Doug Stanhope like? After 30 years in comedy, what do you want to do now? I have no idea. I want to ask you about that. When you switched up, you turned it from Church of What's Happening now to Joey's Joint.

Were you just rebranding or was there a reason you changed up? I wanted to start fresh. I was moving to Jersey, you know. I had a new co-host. I wanted to start fresh. That was the church. That was in L.A. You know, that was a different whole feel.

I feel like a different person since I left L.A. So I wanted for it to be, have a different feel of a podcast, you know? Yeah, I wish I had, when I started my podcast, it was just. Yeah. Phone in fucking dog shit podcasts. And, you know, maybe I should rebrand this.

If I had to take it this seriously since the beginning, I could possibly technical issues getting closer to the router. Yeah, yeah, why not? Why fuck around? The wife and the kid aren't going to be home for a while. Why fuck around?

You know what I'm saying? I might as well bring it right here to my little bar and fuck it. Gorgeous. Yeah, this is coming down now. This bar is coming down because we're not going to turn into a family room. I'm not a boozer.

I don't have no booze here. I got a couple bottles of booze. But when I had knee surgery, I had to move down here. And me and my wife would look at this place and go, why do we even have this bar? I wasn't going to do the podcast from here originally, but they could hear everything upstairs. So if my daughter's home, she could hear me going off, you know. So I didn't want her hearing me down here, you know, fuck you suck my dick, all that shit while she's upstairs.

So you know how it goes and you have an eight-year-old. You got to be at least a little cool, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. What were you talking about? Sorry. Nothing. Just L.A. And what the fuck happened?

Like, you left when? In 2005? Yeah, 2005 I was gone. you know in 2007 I stopped going to the store and it was like you know Ralphie was running things

Ralphie was on the road pretty fucking heavy I was thinking about quitting then the podcast thing started I started the podcast with Felicia and then I started selling tickets but in 2010 I was just about to quit comedy I had had it I was like

you know what I'll do a movie from time to time get my insurance and then just do that. But because of the podcast, this is why we're still here. Yeah, that's why I wish I'd put more effort into the podcast because you don't get a second chance to, but that's why I was asking you about rebranding

because I've thought about like just starting a new one where you go, all right, people can get into this from fucking ground level and I'll actually put effort into it. Because if I knew how happy I would be being home, I'd fucking podcast for a living. Listen, man, just sit, you know, get a time every week, right? Whatever you want to do and just sit there once a week and tell your thoughts. If somebody comes down, you find interesting, have a guest. If not, just do it yourself.

You're the one that I remember coming to you one time and going, Doug, they want me to fucking headline. I don't have the time. And you go, just go up there and talk shit. Yeah, well, you can do that. You're naturally funny. You're one of those guys that can do that. I have to write.

No, I have to still, all you need is a topic. A guy like you just needs a topic. I just got to throw a topic at you. You can rant on it for an hour. Not necessarily. Not like you can. 45 minutes you can. I bet you can.

I struggled, but I had to work on it. I fucking, the reason why I went to one man is because, A, COVID, it's tough to get guests. And I would hate to give somebody COVID or for me to get COVID from somebody over a fucking stupid podcast. And B, I really admired what Bill Burr was doing. Yeah. You know, Bill Burr just gets on there on Monday and Thursday and fucking talk shit and keeps you engaged. I tried to do that, when I first started like,

I'm going to try one, just Bill Burstow, do it by myself alone, and I felt completely fucking ridiculous talking to myself. I couldn't do it. I would never make it more than like three minutes where I go,

all right, this is stupid. I need to at least have someone looking at me. And then if they're looking at me, then I want them to talk back. But I found it, like this year, I've done,

like, I fucking love the Zoom thing, except for the occasional technical, fucking quirks. I've had comics. I don't even know. I've done their podcast. They've done mine. I kind of like

it. I dig it. Before COVID, the hardest part is reaching out and asking someone to be on your podcast because that used to be the fucking drudgery of it was I don't have to drive, especially in L.A. I remember

having it. I did Burr's podcast and then I had to go do Burt Kreisher's podcast right after that. That's like an hour and 10 minutes in a fucking Uber. And yeah, but now if someone's just fucking sitting around there, I was with Zoom, yeah, I'll do podcasts all that. It's kind of cool. I like Zoom. I'll tell you when I like Zoom. I like Zoom because I have a relationship with you.

And they could feel the relationship through the Zoom. If I don't know you, the Zoom is going to suck. Okay? It's like when I get together with Rogan, yeah, the podcast does great. Not because I'm the funniest guy in the world, but because I have chemistry with him. Exactly. He's known for 20 years. The same thing with you.

I sit down with you in a room. It's all over but to shopping. It's all over but to fucking shop. We'll just destroy him because it's both of us. But why? Also, I'll fucking chain smoke without stinking up Rogan's studio. Oh, I love that. Every time you light a cigarette,

Rogan's fucking hairs would pop up in the back of his neck. I love it. I love it. I love it. Because every time you light his cigarette, he goes, he just jumps.

Just by the sound of the lighter, he would just jump. His soul would jump. But I did it. You know, I was talking to Rogan one day about it maybe about a year ago. And we were talking about Bill's podcast.

And he said that he felt that the reason Bill got so strong where those bits were because he did that podcast by himself for an hour. And I started thinking about it. And I go, if I'm going to make it back to come. Because I didn't do stand up for seven months. It was seven months without a fucking stage. And I did a couple of spots when I moved to Jersey outside, almost got attacked by

fucking bats and shit. They got these outdoor shows up against the marsh. It's fucking crazy. It's crazy. But I'm excited about this year because now I know the area and I can do outdoor shows. I know how to do them, you know. So because of COVID, we've had to adjust in so many different levels. I love doing the podcast by myself.

It just builds it. It's an hour, 45 minutes to an hour that you got to pick a subject and talk about it. So instead of doing it in a notebook, I just do it on camera. What do you think? Yeah, that was the worst part of COVID for at least the first several months. It's because our podcast is just usually us talking shit about what we did that week or what gig we just came back from or what our friends do. And once COVID started, it's just the same, the three of us.

So what's new this week? Fucking nothing. We haven't done anything. Yeah. And I don't give a fuck about what's going on in the news. and I'm not going to talk about Trump. So, yeah, we'd have to make up shit to talk about. You know, Doug, you've had a life.

I mean, you've had a, you've got a couple books that you've published. And, you know, we just go into some of the stories. And that's a podcast, you know. The time, I'm a meeting you in Boston. And we did that comedy connection, that one club six. And we had to do midnight radio, you and I. They had a radio we had to do after the show on a Friday night. It was me, you and Chris McGuire, I think.

And we went to the radio show, and that's when I said to you about the, that's the time, that was the week that your mom's cat died. And she made like a little weight for it. She put them on a little box with a carpet on it or something. And all the other cats. I think that's in my first book. Yeah, Joey D. And all the other cats are sitting around a dead cat.

looking at it going, I could use that eye. I need that leg. I still miss your mother. I still miss her. You nicknamed her Bonnie Earmuffs. Because you talk so fucking much. And not only did that nickname stick until her death, but I've reused that for other chatty Kathy's who come over.

And I'm like, I can't take any more of fucking Stephanie Earmuffs out. there. I still remember the day you called me up and said, Ralphie left the house crying because you called him and froze again. He said that you caught him making out with his mother. Do you remember that day? You called me and you're like,

have you heard from Ralphie? He froze out completely for that sentence. Say it again? You said that you called me up one day and you said that have I heard from Ralphie? And I go, no. And you go, yeah, I caught him making out with my mother and I yelled

on him and he took off. And I remember going over to your house and you guys played a trick on me and shit. I was going to say, that didn't happen. That's another one of Ralphie's lies. No, it wasn't Ralphie. It was you who called me. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. No,

I would remember Ralphie making out with my mother. Ralphie spun a fucking, a lot of yarns. He told some tall tails. I mean, and we all loved them regardless. But no, he did,

my mother did jack off one of her cats in front of Ralphie. So I, I did have a witness for that, like, that was a thing she did just for, like, shock value. No, they like it. I mean, I don't think she did it to completion.

But if she got her cat spayed out with his fucking frog legs, fucking knees of Kimbo and his fucking cockat ball show, she'd fucking tug his little fucking cat package just to get a reaction. It's fucking crazy. You know that they, we had a great neighborhood at that time. It was you on

Curzon, Nick DePaolo and Mitch Headberg on Sierra Bonita, Ralphie on Curzon, no, on Schrader. Yeah, do you remember that girl, Evan? Which one? Evan. She was that blonde, tall blonde that was always slapped over the ball. And the husband was Bob. Yeah, Bob, who's, I still see it all the time. He's done by the movies now.

They shot somebody in front of Bob's house. Oh, no shit? Yeah, they shot that Lady Gaga's dog walker on Sierra Bonita. Oh, wow. That was on Sierra Bonita the other day. I didn't know that. Where we used to live and walk and talk and breathe and fucking walk around and see the guy from

whatever, fucking that crazy guy from that show where they hurt themselves. I used to see him going into 7-11. Steve-O. Oh, yeah.

I used to see Steveau going into that liquor store on the corner with Curzon across the street was at 7-Eleven. Oh, yeah.

Fucking Ralphie Bay lived on Gardner. Yep. With Jody Ferdig. There was a minute where Celine Hinojosa was there, stayed at my house.

Yeah, Yeah, we had to recreate that, that same building where I lived on Curzon. Henigan was living there. Brett Erickson and Kerry Mitchell were living there. I guess they both still have apartments there. But yeah, it was like a whole comedy compound after a while. Once the comedy store got huge. And I fucking loved that.

There was nothing more exciting for me. When the comedy store did get huge was to go back, because it was like going to the after party at Montreal. There's that many comedians of that top level all hanging out in that back bar with Kerry Mitchell. And I would never do a set there. I would just go in and fucking treat it like a high school reunion. I remember.

Go ahead. Yeah, I'm sorry. Oh, no, I just, I remember being there once when it was like at its new, you know, height and Rogan coming out going, you have to move back. here. It's a new renaissance. Comedy. You have to move back. You have to move back. Now, you're missing all this. I'm happy visiting all this.

It was too much, man. It really had become too much. It wasn't even comedy anymore. It was like this fucking grandioso type deal. I don't know what it was. I miss it. I was there. I'm happy I was there for

20 years. Thank you for calling Scott for me and give me a reference, but it was time to go, Doug. It's almost nicer that it kind of ended because of COVID rather than just petering out every other

scene. Now you can blame something. Now you can blame a disease on it rather than it just got too full of itself and eventually no one gave a fuck. Yeah, it was just, and I think comedy had just changed how

managers were sending comics out and the way they were booking them. It was just a greed fest, man. It was just too much. And I got caught in the cycle of it. And I didn't like it. I was like, what the fuck is going on with me? That this is what I wanted to do all my life. But I'm not happy doing it. Yeah, it was overwhelming. The whole scene was overwhelming. It was overwhelming. It was too much. And that's why I didn't want to do it anymore. When you, yeah, when you get to a certain age, you think, uh, just I's like on the road, I don't hang out after shows on the road

for the last several years. I mean, I'll go back to the hotel bar and drink with my tour manager and, you know, my other comics that are on the bill, but I wouldn't go to bars anymore. It's just a swell of people. I don't have the attention span, and I'm always feeling, yeah, of fans.

And like, yeah, I want to say hi to all my fans. But, you know, when there's eight people having a conversation over, for each other at a merch booth and it's fucking exhausting that's exhausting that that all and you always feel like you didn't give them enough like all right you need more than a show you need a picture okay i get it i've never been a picture guy and i hate i don't know what to do with my face in a picture but i'll do it and then by the time that that can last longer than your set where you're just taking pictures and by the time that's over i don't want to fucking talk to anyone so yeah

going to the comedy store where I do want to say hi to all these people. I felt like, you know, the cliche of, oh, he's looking over his shoulder to see who else is more important. No, I just have this many people I haven't seen in 10 years. And I want to say hi to all of them in a night. So, yeah, it would get a little overbearing. Yes, it did get a little, it got a little weird on the road. I'm really happy about COVID in the sense that you don't have to take pictures no more. Like, it's just a fucking comedy show.

That's it. It's just a comedy show, you know. The pictures was getting out of control, you know, women touching your guys grabbing you. It's like, you know, I don't need this shit. I enjoyed the completion of the circle. You know, Doug, they watch your special. They listen to your podcast. Then they come see you live.

We shake hands. And that's a completion of the circle. Yeah. That's how social media works. enjoyed it. But you're right. There's some people who, if you gave an inch to, they want a mile. It wasn't enough. You take a picture with them.

They come back as you're leaving. I didn't like the picture. Can we do it again? Can you call my touching? Yeah. I don't know how to use a camera. Hey, you try it. Come on, just fucking get me out of here. Because when you come on stage, you're in the fucking, you're still in the heat of the battle in your head.

And then you have to go immediately into politician mode and smile and shake hands and thank you for supporting me. But your head is still in, fuck you, good night. No, well, my thing towards the end was just give them such a great show that they don't want to meet you. Like, that's it. Like, just give them the best show that they fucking could have. The best show you could give and end it there.

Like, I was doing theaters at the end. And the theaters are telling me, you can't. go outside because we won't start the show on time. We won't get you out of here on time. And it started bothering me for a while, but I also started realizing that my second show was a lot better. When I would do meeting greets after the first show, I would eat a bag of dicks the second show.

Because you're just talking for a fucking hour. You're answering questions. People want to ask you about what you said on Rogan's 800th episode. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't remember what I ate for lunch yesterday. Exactly. And you want me to repeat something from fucking a year ago.

I have no idea what you're talking about. So that did get tough. That's the good thing about COVID, that we don't take pictures anymore. I mean, all that shit is gone. You know, hello, nice to meet you, and move the fuck on. But the pictures was getting,

it was too much. It's like, I don't go to dinner before comedy. There's a reason. Like, when you go into a town, somebody always calls you and says, can I buy you dinner? Of course. Can we do lunch?

No, we want to do 7 o'clock. And then they bring three people. And then it becomes a game of fucking jeopardy with the questions. And by the time you go to actually do your 45-minute spot, you're burnt out from talking to dinner. I'm always trying to find something in the moment, in the news, in the day, in the room,

something I can talk about right off the bat to make my old shit fresh. And if you want to fuck up before the show, we're going to be talking about this. So let's do with it. What do you think about? I remember I did the last show in Seattle before they shut it down for COVID. And I had some friends who was an obligatory. Okay, they're from Bisbee, so I have to go meet up with them. They're in town.

And everything they're starting to talk to me about, this is, what I'm going to open with on stage. I don't want to talk to you right now. Talk to me after the show. Don't talk to me before a show because I'm in my head trying to, every show I do, I am fucking stressed out about how, like, I'm always bored with my material. Even if I wrote it and it's my favorite joke a week ago, by day seven, it's fucking boring. Yeah, I'm bored off.

Yeah. So if you talk to me before the show, that's all that's in my head. And I'm not saying it until I'm on a microphone. No, it's crazy. People never really grasp that. There's so much more just a stand-up. You know, when I go out there and talk to you for an hour, that's an hour I'm taken away from me resting

and getting ready for the second show. So I would always feel bad. I would always go back to the hotel room feeling fucking guilty as fuck that I didn't shake that hand. I don't miss that no more. Yeah. I don't miss that feeling. that you have known for a while.

And sometimes it's just a fucking job. Sometimes that fucking smile on my face out there is completely autopilot. And I don't want to hang out. And just because I'm in Boston doesn't mean I want to hang out with fucking 18 people I grew up with. I sometimes I just can't do it. And then people get pissed off and you lose friends. And then you go, those four friends I kind of lost in 1985 when I left Massachusetts. Anyway, I want to talk to you.

You're working right in a book. I want to talk to you about your book. Yeah, it's been a struggle. I've been trying to write it for eight fucking years. I finally broke down and got a writing partner, and she makes life a lot fucking easier. Yeah, I was just listening to episode 41. Yeah. It makes life a lot easier because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

But I got like three or four books in my head that I like to write. And this is the time to do them when there's nothing going on, you know. I wrote a TV show with a guy. I don't want to be on TV. But we ended up writing a fucking little spec script and whatever. I wrote what with him. I don't want to be on TV. That's the last thing I want to do is be on TV.

That's a lot of work. People don't understand. TV is the amount of work that we got into comedy to not have to do for a living. I don't want to work 16 hours a day on anything. I want to go in. I don't mind the guy. You want me to do a Doug Stanhope show? I'll do it.

But do me a favor. Shoot me out quick. Because after six hours, I'm going to start fucking around and smoking dope and eating edibles. I'm going to forget my lines. And then you're going to get pissed off at me. So before that shit happens, I'd rather you just shoot me out quickly. I don't mind going in at six.

I'll go in at six. Just get me out by one or two. But to stay there all fucking day to do one line at midnight, I'm done with that shit. That stuff is done. You know, comedy rooms, like I said, I don't know about going to a fucking airport. I can't see myself at an airport right now.

Right now, today. Maybe I'll feel a little different. Yeah, I, I just, I vacillate. It depends on when you talk to me. If you talk to me at 8 o'clock at night after several cocktails, I'm big on projects and I want to do stuff. And then I wake up at fucking, you know, 615 in the morning with the dog wanting to walk.

Oh, fuck that. I don't want to do any of that. I wrote down a bunch of notes last night of all these things you're going to do. And then I wake up going, no, I like this laying on the couch shit, way more than all those projects. I remember when the pandemic first hit. and they were just canceling months. Remember in the beginning? They would...

At the beginning, at the beginning, at the beginning, I was the last show in Seattle, and they closed that down, and I get, this is the routing I had, was Seattle to Baltimore, to Boston, back to San Francisco for three days. And as I'm flying to each of these places,

she before the show, the governor comes on the TV, says, no more crowds, more than 250 people. Magubi's let it slide. They go, well, we'll probably have a lot of no shows anyway. We're 350, but it'll probably be

250 with the no shows. We did that show. I fly to Boston, the governor, as I'm landing, no more shows, they cancel. I fly to San Francisco. They go, we're going in a lockdown. I got my last flight to Vegas. I wasn't even playing there. It was just going to see Hennigan, the Scotsman, and the

fucking governor comes on and says, okay, Vegas is shutting down. Everyone has to be out of their hotels tomorrow by noon. And then I, yeah, it was just fucking dominoes chasing me of fucking governors shutting, shutting everything down before I got home. So that, yeah, Mark fucking crazy. Yeah. It was, it was fucking science fiction. Like, everywhere I'm going, it's getting worse. Like, I was making jokes. In Seattle, I was trying to, I was telling people to fucking lick their neighbor like a trust fall. I shook every hand.

And I didn't take it seriously whatsoever. That was like March 7th. Speaking of Seattle, do you remember when I drove me to the gig in the trailer and it was snowing when we had the dog, you wrote a bit about it, that the dog was holding you for support? Do you remember I had the fucking camper? And you came to visit me? I opened up to you New Year's Eve with you when I was dating at Christian Hage

and you were with the girl for your Carol, yeah. I told you. Yeah, that was before you moved to LA, right? Yeah, she said to say hello to you. Oh, yeah, she was great. I'm godfather, the first son.

That's down in Florida, living it up down there. Speaking of it, I want to apologize because of the, you know, the Me Too era, I did take a naked photograph of you, and now, I need to reflect and apologize.

Remember that naked picture? I'm sure I still have it somewhere in the call space. You in front of the bunk beds going, ah! And, you know, I understand now there was a power dynamic. You were staying at my house. I shouldn't have put you in an uncomfortable position just because you had a giant fucking cock. And I feel bad about that.

And if I ever find that picture, I'll post my apology with the picture on Twitter. I wish you do. I felt so empty and lost. I almost joined Bikram yoga after I got naked for you. It was a toss-up between Bikram and Scientology. That's how fucking susceptible I was. Get the fuck out of here. I showed everybody in my dick those days.

You were just coming out of the shower. Get out. You fucking towel off. I think I even showed your mom my dick one day on my balls at the comedy store. and she were those those are some balls because I did a one-man show and she came with Selena and Jody and Gentry

and Marilyn Martinez was there Oh yeah And I'll never forget that I go Bonnie Earmuffs What are you saying And Marilyn goes Is that Doug Stanhope's mother? Oh my God Doug

I love him Because they were both cats You know Marilyn had like nine cats and then your mom had like nine cats so God rest of the soul, Maryland and your mother started talking it was a fucking great night Who's that fucking crazy neighbor girl that lived on the same floor at Kurtzan

in the corner? The German girl with her blonde girlfriend There was two girls and I think you were I think you were doing heroin with one of them Yes, the blonde one Yeah The tall German girl.

We had snoring a heroin a couple times. Listen, I wasn't that I was into heroin. It was that she was hot. She was another one that took advantage of me because she was hot and she gave me the heroin and she made me do it, Doug. And then she made me eat her pussy.

I felt so false violated. I've never felt this violated in my life. We'll start a support group. Yes. She made me snort hair. everyone with her and then she may eat her pussy. I just,

I just, I just, I just thought of that because the, the fucking story that will never die is my Joey Jingle story. I asked you when I was so fucked up on, uh, Rogan's podcast. I did mushrooms going into his podcast.

And then I started drinking. And then as the mushrooms are kicking in, I go, oh, I can handle some fucking Joe Rogan weed. I don't smoke weed. And then I smoked that and I was fucked. It was like,

like, the drug scene in midnight cowboy. Let me tell you something. My feelings got so hurt. I was so hurt that you said that guy stole your fucking jingle jaw or whatever. Then people started calling me Joey Jingles. And I'm like, out of all the things I stole in my life,

I've robbed fucking houses, cars. I've put people in trunks of cars. And you fucking accuse me of a fucking jar, robbing a jar full of coins. I was just high and I remember thinking, I wonder if, like I could, I remember, this is like 1996. And I remember like, who would just take my change jar? And then I thought, well, because, you know, heroin. I don't know.

Like when you hear about heroin, you think, oh, people go to deprave states. Maybe he needed heroin money. And what happened is right after that came out, that same girl Evan called me up and said, oh, yeah, that was. That was probably this guy. She brought a guy to my house when I was on the road, and he was like a sketchy fucking street urchin guy. And she's like, yeah, I'm pretty sure he stole that. And I'm like, well, and I've said that,

but I can't fucking, I can't kill that story. I can't kill the Joey Jingle story, even though it's already been talking. It's already been fucking. Who cares? I've been accused of a lot of things. I'm a man of many accusations, but I never bought the heroin.

She always bought the heroin. I forgot all about that, because you just brought that up just now. She was beautiful. Yeah, she was. I remember her. Like, you have an image of someone in your head, and you don't know why you do or don't like them.

But I remember her saying something really cunty to me, which I probably took offense to because it was accurate. But whatever it was, I have no idea. It's weird when you look back and you go, I don't know why I don't like that. but I don't know. I don't know what happened. And they had another girlfriend

that I started hooking up with. They had a redhead that was kind of a chubby girl. She was a plus-sized model. And she was doing heroin. So then I started hooking up with her for a while. Her father owned two blockbusters. He was Mick Jagger's manager or something, business manager.

And he bought her two blockbuster videos up in Ventura. And she was just waxed out on heroin too. I never buying it. I didn't even know where to buy it. That girl would bring me up there, and I'd do a couple lines of coke. She'd give me a line of heroin, then she'd let me eat a pussy.

That was it. That's the reason Blockbuster went out of business. Yeah. Her drug abuse. And I still remember our nights at that fucking coaching horses. What a fucking bar that was. It was incredible.

And we found it. We found it when it was an actual dive bar that you were afraid to go and do it. Nobody was ever in there. That was a fucking dive bar, man. They had the old lady, uh, Ginger or Georgia. Ginger. Ginger. Was the old lady bartender.

She was like, throw Mama from the train. Mama. Yeah. Will you want another drink? Well, this isn't a bus stop. She threw a blind guy out for having a dog and she wouldn't listen. to other customers explaining that it's a seeing eye dog. I don't care.

The sign says no dogs. And so it was a dive bar because of her. And then they finally fired her and hired a hot bartender. And all of a sudden it was the trendiest fucking bar on sunset. I still remember being in there with you, me, Dave Fulton.

Oh, yeah. Maybe Mitch. I was, I bought some Coke in Silver Lake. It was the best Coke I ever bought in California. Here I am at the fucking coaching horses, and I couldn't even talk. I was sitting at the bar with you guys. You guys were having a conversation. I couldn't even fucking talk.

I still remember that night. Couldn't talk. Oh, you, wait, you were because of the Coke, how fucked up I was. I did not say a word. That's weird. Now, Becker was always like that. Becker who could never shut the fuck up in real life. it was the opposite.

He was so hyperactive, but you get him Coke and he just sat there. I couldn't say over. I was there. I wasn't there that night, but I remember going in another night and seeing you there,

and the girl had said that she just saw Gandafini had just left with two broads. Like this had to be 2000, 2001 maybe. Gandalfini or Tarantino? Gandalfini. All right, because I know Tarantino was in there.

Tarantino was in there a few times. Michael Keaton, I remember being in there, Kiefer Sutherland. But back when it was really divey. Yeah, it was diving. It was a real dive fucking bar. That's why they'd show up there because fucking no one's in there. No, you got to see what it looks like now. It's like a fancy fucking restaurant.

Well, it's done the pikey. I've seen it. It's gone for good. It can't be that fucking. And then the next door was a bookstore. Remember that bookstore where you bought all the acting books and shit? That fucking, that's gone. That's gone.

It's over. You know, it's a shame that all those, I still remember playing tennis with you at Gorky Park with Mitch Hedgerner. I would get a nickel bag down there. That was like the fucking, that was like all Russian run down there. It was like the Russian mafia down there selling nickel bags. and we would play and then me and Mitch would walk up to Hollywood Boulevard and the stripper used to make us fucking iced tea, sun tea. That's a long fucking time ago, man.

That's where Headbug wrote that joke. I realized no matter how much I play tennis, I'll never be better than a wall. Oh my God. Yeah, his first letterman, he did that joke and he used my name. I played tennis with my friend Doug. I think, that's me. That's me.

You still miss them? Fuck yeah. I miss them too. I miss all those guys. I miss Ralphie. I still remember being in the coaching horses with you with Brody Stevens one night. And we hooked up with two broads. I was with a broad and she had a girlfriend.

And I didn't get laid, but Brody got laid. And I started. I remember. Go ahead. he had a super unknown he had a Volvo at the time and he was playing super unknown by Soundgarden

and I'm like I need that cassette and I just took it from him and the next day he's like did you take my super unknown cassette I'm like no why would I take your fucking cassette that was the last time I was probably in coaching horses I remember being in the coaching horses

this girl I had banged on the road in Iowa I know it was Iowa because I couldn't remember her name, so I just called her Iowa. She showed up in L.A. And we went to sub-bar and then remember Renee. This is when I was so in love with Renee that I couldn't land the deal and she would always hang out in the coaching horses. Renee, my wife, the, and so.

I forgot it completely. It's me and Becker and Iowa, and we show up to coaching horses and Renee is there and I'm like oh fuck this is my this is the girl I've been trying to fucking nail forever so I blew off the Iowa girl left her with Becker and I'm going to work

Renee and that girl gets pissed and she goes and fucks Becker to get me back I'm like yeah my friend who never gets laid you're gonna fuck him oh I'm heartbroken I'm heartbroken so fucking weird times, Doug.

Doug, I just wanted to see you, man. That's it. I wanted to see you. I made my day. I talked about it on my last podcast. Like, you fucking, when you sent me that, I was like in such a depressed place where I'm like fucking, oh, Joey Diaz, fuck yeah.

That's exactly what I needed in my day. Was, hey, we're going to talk. Yeah, I've been really thinking about you a lot ever since I left L.A. Just because you got me started there. I would have never gone there if it wasn't for you, New Year's talking me into going down there. You talked me into it. I read it on Wikipedia when we started.

We both, our first headliner was Matt Woods was the first guy you opened for? Yeah, pretty much. Denver? It's on your Wikipedia page. He can't trust it. But that was my first triple run was with Matt Woods. And as recently as yesterday, I've quoted Matt Woods bits. Really?

Yeah, I don't know whatever happened to him. I hope he's out there. But I could do, like, that was like a two-week triple run with my first headliner on my first, like, serious road trip tour. And I could do his act to this day, fucking, you know, 29 years later, I could do his act almost. About the squirrel. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

A joke about a squirrel. You ever see a squirrel run or something like that? Yeah. Yeah. But he had, what was the one I quoted? Yeah. Oh,

he's a, yeah, a cop pulled me over on the way to the show. He said, any idea why I stopped you? And I said, yeah, so would it be less windy while we talk?

He, he was, he was the headliner on stage at the conference. comedy works the first time I got on stage and I talked to him afterward and then about four years later he pulled me aside and called me out and just you know he read me the riot act of 1963 he goes you know you can wipe the floor with these guys but you don't want to write jokes you want to keep drinking and snort and coke be my friend be my guest he goes but if you ever put your mind to this you could be really good. Like, he read me the Riot

Act. And I walked to the bus station. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to go back and beat him up. Like, that was my answer. You know, like, some guy tries to help you. And I was so fucked up then. I went to the bus station and I go, I can't believe that guy

talked to me like that. I had a white t-shirt on, like just a regular white t-shirt with like a hooded sweatshirt. And he's like, you were going to go on stage like that tonight? With a white t-shirt, really? That's why, he just read me the riot act. And I went back to beat him up, but he wasn't there.

And then I see him maybe, maybe five years later, he's writing for Brian Dunkelman. Remember Brian Dunkelman? Yeah, you know, I actually just started talking to him again on Twitter. I love that he just shoulders his bad beat from American Idol and runs with it. But go ahead. Send him my love. He's a good guy. I was in a room

called, I forget, like in somewhere in L.A. It wasn't a comedy club. It was just a regular room. And Matt Woods came in and saw me blow the fucking room up. And I remember coming off the stage and him going,

that talk really helped you. And I said to him, you have no idea how close you came. to get in a beating that night, you fuck. And then we became friends and that's it. That's what life is all about, buddy. But let's check in with each other in about a month.

Let's do this again. Absolutely, sir. A pleasure. You think it'll work? Oh, fuck you. How's bingo doing? She's pretending not to be in the background. Okay.

Send them my love. Tell her I love her. Hi, baby. Hey, baby. baby what's happened you sexy motherfucker I knew you're walking somewhere I was listening to the whole thing all right great to see you I love you

I remember one of those times someone said me oh Joey Diaz is talking about you got to listen he goes yeah I want to have him on my podcast but he always shows up with this like gaggle and fucking he's got a what do you not a crew but what do you call a posse like like 19 people you show up like 19 people deep.

I got a little fucking office in L.A. You know what I'm saying? I love you. I see, I don't want them to think I get a posse over. You're good. You're good. But I love you and I'm happy I got to see you

and to talk about some old times and thanks for all your help because without you, I wouldn't be here. So thank you, brother. Fuck, fuck you. I love you very much, sir. I love you, buddy. have a great week and we'll talk soon.

This will air on Monday. So get ready to write. Yeah, I'll tweet the fuck out of it. All right. I love you. Stay black. All right. I hope you enjoyed that, dog. That was a great 50-minute talk. Just seeing him did something to my heart.

It made me grateful again. It took away a little bit more of the anxiety. And it was just great to see him. I haven't seen him in such a long time. I know you Joey Jingle fans are happy now, you cock suckers. But yeah, it was a great time. I want to thank Doug. It was a great scene bingo.

And we'll keep it at that. Like I said, you guys are sick of me for right now. I'm going to give you as a week off. We'll probably get another Zoom guest for Wednesday. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. Stay black. I love you. And here's for a word from our sponsors.

All right, I want to thank Doug Stanhope. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys. Before we go anywhere, I want to talk to you about something. The joint is brought to you by On It. Listen, whether it's a Shroom Tech, New Mood, Alpha Brain, On It is the best supplement out there. Why? Because I live on it. I do my alpha brain cycles, and I'm way better.

When I got here, I couldn't put sentences together. I went on Alpha Brain. Now I'm tip-top Magoo. Don't get me wrong. I'm still half-retarded. But Alpha Brain has health. me the new mood is tremendous at night i like the protein chips i like the protein bites listen everything they have is tremendous i can't do nothing to you with the weights but for supplements

i get your 10% off right now if you go to honor dot com and press in church c h u r c h i'm gonna give you 10% off and try the alpha brain powder tremendous i have it upstairs i use it tremendous the flavors are great. Go to out.itright.com right now, press in church and get the party started. Remember, if you order Alphabet, you don't like it, call them, let them know, they'll send you your money back and they don't even want the product. That's a real company. The joint is also brought to you by Movement Watches. Okay, listen, I love my Movement Watch. They sent me the International Medal, the International Element International Waters, because like I told you in the beginning of the show, I'm an international man.

a mystery. Only a doctor wears a watch like that. And the shades, look at that. They call dusk, dark and mysterious. So you can't see where you're looking. You follow me? Nobody knows nothing. This is all brought to you by movement watches. They're just not a watch company anymore. They've expanded into blue light glasses, jewelry, and more. And I love everything that they do. These movement guys are smart. Their pieces look like they cost half a fucking million dollars. But since they own the process and do everything online, you end up paying a fraction of what those charges are at a real department store. No middleman, nothing, nothing. You save hundreds.

Movement passes the quality onto you, and it's shipped free. If you don't love it, you send it back. It's all free. This all started with two college dropouts that came up and shook things up. They wanted fair prices, new colors, and fresh designs. And now Movement is an international. brand way more than watches. They've expanded into blue light

glasses, jewelry, like I told you, and more. So do yourself a favor. Elevate your look. Elevate who you are without breaking the bank. Join the movement right now and get 15% off today, right now, today. Free shipping and free returns.

I know it's movement, but you're going to go to MBMT.com slash Joey. Again, that's mbmt.com slash Joey. Again, MBMT.com slash Joey free shipping and free returns. This is what I'm talking about.

You want to look sharp. Spring is coming. You know what I'm saying? You don't have to have long shirts no more. You want to look like your James Bond. Go to mbmt.com slash Joey right now and get the party started. I love you guys. I'll see you back here Wednesday.

Tip Top Magoo. Ready to go. I hope you enjoyed the podcast. Thank you very much for supporting us. There you go. Nobody got COVID here. Cocksuckers.