The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #044 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: March 3, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Wednesday, March 3rd..... Today, we talked about chatting with Doug Stanhope and the 1 Year Anniversary of Joey's last time at The Comedy Store... This episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/Joey Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and enter Code: JOEY or CHURCH And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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Prechin's Church or Joey and get this party started. And now we're going to get our party started. You understand me? Let's lie a little candle here for the Espiritos Malos. And let's get this show on the road. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, the 3rd of March. And you fucking believe it's the 3rd of March already.

Where the fuck did you go? Thank you very much for watching the Doug Stanhope podcast and enjoying it. Listen, I've said it a thousand times. People reach out to me all the time. And they're like, listen, do you want to Zoom? And I'm like, I really don't know you. So the relationship, when you zoom and you don't know a person, it's very rough. You know, I zoom with Ryan Sickler.

I'll zoom with Lee. I'll zoom with Doug Stanhope. But it's very tough to zoom with people. You're not tight with or you don't have a relationship with that gap. Zoom has already kind of has like a fucking gap. I watched the first 15 minutes of it. Listen, I hate watching myself. I watch two minutes of.

of it just to see the lighting and everything how it looks. But I watched that fucking podcast for a little while. And what I felt from that podcast was love, you know, a lot of love between two guys that had been around. I had, you know, Stan Hope left in 2005, like he said, on the podcast. And I had to really see him. And in a way, he was kind of like my rock. And, you know, things spun out of control for me.

I mean, you know, we went on both directions. And as soon as I landed here, since the minute I landed in New Jersey, you know, I've been asking myself, what happened? You know, I've been back tracing the steps of what happened, you know? And Doug Stanhope's name has been on my mind every fucking day for the last three months. Like, he's just one of the guys that really helped me, and I never really got a chance to thank him. And I wanted to thank him, and that's what that podcast was. you know the reason i'm here is because of him because he convinced me to move to los angeles

and not only that when i got to los angeles he was my friend and he treated me with the utmost respect and you know that's just to let you guys know how how fucked up i was listen i'm not making no excuses i never make excuses to you people i love you too much snort and coke and eating the german girl's pussy i mean snort and heroin and eating the german girl's pussy did i ever tell you that story i didn't even fucking remember it that's how fucked up i was that that that just goes to show you how fucked up i was this girl was a knockout and once a week every two weeks i would see her at the corner store and we were talking and she'd go i just picked up a bag and i walked down to her house i'd do a little fucking line

She was beautiful, thin, and she would play with herself and let me eat a pussy. That was it. She wouldn't let me fuck her. She didn't want no dick in her. She had her reasoning, whatever. But how crazy is that? I would go over there to a line of heroin, and then she'd take off her panties. I'd eat her pussy.

She'd come, and then we'd talk for 10 minutes, and I'd leave, and then I wouldn't see it for two weeks. This was my life, and I got no excuses. I was fucked up. If I can't remember that, that just goes to show you. A couple months ago, somebody reached out and said they were a little bit uncomfortable with me that I had hit on them 20 years ago, over 20 years ago, and that they were uncomfortable with me. Well, they went to Ari, and Ari explained to him, did he take his dick out? And they said, no, he just hit on me. And then we kept snort and coked, and I drove him home.

And he goes, what's the problem? You know, what was the problem? that well I always felt uncomfortable that you know after after that you never said it before you know I didn't even know what the fuck I was talking about

I lost my train that thought the girl that uh yeah you know but the point that I was trying to make was what I fucking forgot you know what what what differences I'm making was 22 fucking years ago

did he take his dick out or anything he goes Diaz was on fucking coke getting fucking coked up and heroined up. And I said, Ari, that's no excuse. That's never an excuse. Just because I was on coke or heroin. I never laid the excuse on people.

My actions were done by me. I could sit here and tell you I kidnapped Kent Bella because the dentist put me out that morning. I didn't do that. Did I say that? Have I ever said that? I had my teeth done the morning I kidnapped that kid. And they put me under with gas.

So everybody told me that you could use it as a defense. Yeah, because it affected how I had. thought but that's a fucking excuse for a punk that's an excuse a punk makes you know listen i'm a punk i was a punk back then and i was fucking out of my mind but that just goes to show you guys the power of the pen the love i had for comedy and the effect that my wife had on me because guys i remember snorten listen when i talk to you guys about the heroin. I told you that I did it when I was 17 with Gunter Brown and then I revisited it again when I was in prison. I didn't know what I was doing. I snorted it. It was brown heroin tar and they

put it in my nose with like a fucking like a thing that you put under your tongue like one of that nothing happened. Then one time I think I snorted like a powder of an heroin or something and I got sick. I was never a big heroin guy. Then in 2007 was when Bonehead, the legend of Bonehead, was sending me little $3 bags from Newark, and I was doing them on Monday. But I forgot all about, you know, I never shot everyone, nothing like that. But I forgot all about that that I used to get. I mean, that was a complete different time.

97 to 2000 for me was such a fucking blur because I had just landed in L.A. I was hanging out with Doug, you know, Josh Wolfe. You know, Doug was way above us at that time. Doug was our mentor, you know. We'd walk into a place with Doug like, fuck you, bitch, we're with Doug Stanhope. You know what I'm saying? So, Doug mentored me. Doug took me under his fucking wing.

Doug told me what to say. Doug was the one that told me that joke that Joe Rogan loves, you know, beat a tranny. You know, if you beat a tranny, who are they going to call? Who are they going to believe? me or a dude with a wig and a black eye. You know what I'm saying? That was with Doug Stano. Doug Stano said,

that's a bit, write that. Because somebody said something about a tranny on the block or something, and they were like, well, you know, were you going to hit a tranny? I'm like, who are they going to believe? Me or some dude with a wig and a black eye, and that stuck.

And Joe Rogan loved it. Doug loved it. But those are my influences, man. You know, the day that I really had reached out to Doug was the day about the Sierra Bonita shooting when they shot Lady Gaga's dog Walker listen it's a giggle whatever did they die no that the kid didn't die he's alive and kicking he just wrote in the Instagram and then the dogs were recovered I don't know what happened I wasn't there but

let me tell you something Sierra Bonita was our neighborhood Sierra Bonita was is a street and it was Sierra Bonita curse on this and Gardner, you know, and everybody lived on those streets. And Sierra Bonita was Mitch Hedberg and Nick Napola. I said there's a thousand fucking times. And that was just such a great name, but I would see Steve-O going into the... There was a Curson, on the corner of Curson. There's a 7-Eleven, and right across the street, there's a liquor store.

It's perfect. I used to see Stivo. I'm talking about 98, 2,000. I was getting fucked up. And I would see him going to the liquor store, walking out with a case of beer, and then going to 7-Eleven and getting two cartons of smokes. When you see somebody getting two cartons of smoke,

you know they're going into the deep underworld. Deep, deep fucking underworld. Two cartons of smokes. Jesus Christ. I would go home with two packs of cigarettes or something. Two cartons of cigarettes. You're not going out for a few fucking days. So it was just when that thing happened on Sierra Bonita.

It didn't happen on sunset. that it happened maybe a block up north, maybe a block and a half up north towards Hollywood Boulevard. That hit home with me. And it made me think about Ralphie and Mitch and fucking, you know, Doug and then just, you know, that story about, oh my God, about the fucking, the night that the coaching horses, coaching horses was a dive bar that was cooler than fuck.

I saw some wild shit in there. And I used to go in there when I was fucked up. And when I first got to L.A., I didn't have a car. And Doug lent me a call one day to go get an audition. I had an audition. And I had to go to downtown L.A. This is like the freakiest fucking story. Like when I lived with Doug, the weirdest shit happened, all right?

I'm living with Doug, and I go to fuck. And I go, Doug, I got to borrow your car. Doug didn't wake up until 12. I woke up at nine. I needed a day job, so I was going to go look for a telemarketing job. I told Doug the night before, I'm going to borrow your car.

It's a Friday morning. Check it out. Check out the computer, whatever. It's a Friday morning. It either had to be January of 97 or February of 97. I don't know if you can look up to date. It was a North Hollywood shooting. When the guy was walking down the street,

the body armor and shit. That's the day I woke up, gotten Doug's car at 845 to do an interview at 9. And I got to the 101. I'll never forget this as I was entering the 101. February 28th. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Because I got to L.A., January, I don't know, 29th.

There's something like that. I got made a regular February 19th. And I was living with Doug till about March of April. And I still remember leaving Doug's house and getting to the 101. And my page are going off. And when I went to pull over to call, it was the job telling me not to come up that there's a mass shooting in North Hollywood by the offices. It turned out years later, I lived in that neighborhood. They showed me where all the bullets and all the shit was going.

thousand around. Oh no no it was insane. The 101 was backed up. So if I would have got on the 101, I would have never, I would have ran out of gas because in those days, E meant enough for me. E meant enough. You know what I'm saying? Whenever it was on

the E, it's like enough. It's enough. Don't worry about nothing. At least till the red light comes on. We got nothing but fucking hope and dreams. Worst case scenario, I'll pissing a gas tank, but I never forget going up Highland, pulling over, and them calling,

don't come up here because they're shooting all bullets. And me going, okay. And I fucking turned around and went home. And then like the following week, at this point, I wasn't living with Doug anymore.

It had to be like a month or two later. I had moved out of Dougson, but I still borrowed his car. He lends me his car to go to an audition for an ABC show. Guys, I was as green as fuck. I didn't know what the fuck. fuck was going on. I go to this audition. I walk in. I see Rudy Moreno, old comic friend of mine,

brilliant guy used to run the Brave Bull comedy. He gives me a big hug. I'm in LA, you know, at this point, maybe four, five months. You know, I'm a regular at the store. I'm fucking out there banging it out. And on the way back under the five by Dodger Stadium, I get a flat by Silver Lake. It's called Silver Lake. And I, and I, and, end up on Silver Lake Boulevard and I go, I know one person who lives on here, this chick Marilyn Martinez, right? So I call Marilyn Martinez up, rest in peace, one of my dear, dear friends. Doug loved her too because she was crazy. She loved Doug.

They loved each other. They were both dirty and they would follow each other at the store and shit. And I called Marilyn. It's the only person I knew when I go, Maryland. I got a fucking flat. I don't even know where to start. It's not my car. I'm embarrassed.

It's Doug's car. She goes, don't worry about none. Where are you? I go, I'm at some park. This is craziness, guys, okay? I'm at some park. Lamirk Park, one of those fucking parks. It wasn't downtown LA.

I'm lying here. It's in Silver Lake, and it was around there. There's a big park behind Silver Lake. If anybody remembers it while they just tweet me and let me know to refresh my memory, again, look up at this date. maybe I don't know I don't know what the date is maybe let's go with May of 97 okay so it's May of 97 I call Maryland I go man I don't know what to do I'm stuck I'm by this fucking park

and I'm pulled over she goes don't worry where are you I told I'm by the park there's a statue there's a water fountain going up in Silver Lake or whatever it's called she goes my husband Dave is going to go pick you up I had never met a husband He's a black dude. He was a fucking Crip, bad motherfucker. Years later, I ended up bringing him to the set of the longest yard and telling them that he was my probation officer and fucking him and Bert Reynolds were talking for hours and shit.

But I take this motherfucker, Dave Crowder comes, but he comes with a white-looking dude. And David Sears says to me, this is my brother-in-law. He's Cuban just like you. He just got out of the prison three days ago. Hey man, what's happening? Hey, hello, you know, it's a passando, I hug him and shit,

and di Xion, you know, the whole fucking deal. And we started talking, he takes me to this Mexican place that sells tires for like 10 bucks, and they put them on for you, you know, no drama, just a nice tie, nothing spectacular. 10, 15 bucks, 10 bucks to just put it on. And he puts it on.

And then they go, what do you want to do? And I don't know, whatever you guys want to do. And we went, and we went to like, did I tell this story? and got Cuban food. But before this whole thing happens, I'm waiting for them at the park, right? I'm minding my own business.

You can't write this. This is why you cannot write Joey Dears' this fucking life story because there's too much shit. I'm sitting at this park. It's a nice day out. I don't know, 70, 60 degrees. I'm minding my business.

I don't know, nobody. I'm waiting for Dave. And all of a sudden, I see a car you know and he's like driving erratically right he comes around the thing and then I hear a helicopter

and then I see fucking four cop cars how to be right I'm sitting here in my own fucking business it's a beautiful day to be alive birds are chirping you know the whole fucking deal what the fuck do you think happens

next gee the car pulls around the guy that they were chasing, this motherfucker pulls around, gets out of the car, right? Gets out of the car, gets behind this, I mean,

opens up his door. I'm watching all this. It's 500 yards from me. Maybe I'm 33, 34, 97, so I had way better eyesight, you know, and it was like that scene and the godfather

too, when she goes to visit the godfather, and she tells him my son's retarded don't kill him you know spare his life and then she has a knife and he blows her away with a gun dog that's exactly what I saw

live and in color I don't think I don't think I've ever said this on a fucking podcast so I see this motherfucker he is driving right and also he just goes and he turns the car around

there's a full 360 pops his fucking passing the door open, gets out of the car, and start shooting at the cops. I'm watching all this. The helicopters above, I'm like, oh, my fucking God. Like, no, I wasn't in the car. I was sitting on the hood. Why am I sitting there in a hot car for?

I want to see it. I want to get some vitamin D. And all of a sudden, the guy's like, bah, bah, bah. And he looks like this, and I see him run across. Like he had like a maybe a 30-yard run to the thing where he pulls over and he starts shooting at him and a cop just fucking wasted him with like a fucking pump gun some type of shotgun just boom and the guy was like and they caught him as he was going to go and he just took him and he went like maybe four feet he landed I was like the helicopter came down even lower and make sure he was dead and the cops fucking rushed in and that's when fucking David

and my friend came and I go you just fucking missed it the cops just shot a dude right there I mean and dog listen if the cops want

interviewing to me now about a years later the cops were solid on this call I saw the whole fucking thing I saw the guy do the 360

get out of his car and get behind the passenger door he fucking kept the glass up and he shot through the glass that's all like

that's how it started hearing it but I saw the whole thing go down. Boom, boom, boom. He shot maybe four times. He reacted. They were shooting at him. And then he shot, like to go into an alley.

But while he was shooting, he was like, you know, ta, ta, like in the movies. And bro, some, like, they were shooting handguns at him. But at one point, some guy just fucking got him right in the fucking chest. And he went back. He just saw the explosion. And that was it, dog. So he takes me over. We fucking get the tire fixed, and then we go to Silver Lake and we eat at some Cuban joint, like this, Colchinito.

And he takes into a Cuban bakery, the whole fucking thing. And, you know, me. So you're sitting there 500 yards or whatever. From this shooting. And they didn't say anything to you. The cops? Not a word. Not a word.

Not a word. Were you like the only one around? There was some people at a park. You know, there was some kids playing. Like, it was a big park with a fountain in the middle. Holy shit. Like a fountain towards three-quarter side, not really in the middle. It happened on the other side of the park, and I was over here.

So it was a good far distance. There were people there. No investigator came up to me and asked me, by the time they got there, we just basically took the tire off the car and drove it to the Mexican place. And then we came back and put the tire on. And that's when they were still tagging. the body they had the cones around they had the whole fucking they just

shot this motherfucker with a shotgun boom so we're talking bob pop pop pop pop pop pop it's about six o'clock now and I don't know you know how it gets mentioned he says he's got cocaine for sale I go Jesus Christ

you told the right person because I'm in the market I'm looking so he goes I'll have it at 8 o'clock or something you know you have to come back to Silver Lake So I went, I gave Doug back his car, and I think I borrowed Josh Wolff's car. And I went up to this Cuban house, and he sold me an eight ball of some shit that I could smell it when I walked into the apartment. Like this guy was not fucking around.

He was three days out of prison, and he had already met the dude, and he was slinging. So he gave me a nice price. I think I got an eight ball. Let me tell you some. I had no comedy that night. I never figured I had no comedy that night. So I started early. You know, that was one of the, it was like a Tuesday.

Mitzie didn't give me a spot or something. I was just fucking around, bro. Now, my tolerance for cocaine at this time was pretty high. I was 10 years away from quitting, but my tolerance was pretty fucking high. You know, I could do a gram and not blink an eye in those days. like two lines and just sit there for an hour and not saying out there. Oh, talk.

Because I was chatty. Kathy, when I had the Coke. Let me tell you something. I'll never forget driving back from Silver Lake with that eight ball, getting into Hollywood, and gone by Josh Wolf's house and doing like two or three lines with him.

He was going to do something and me doing like fucking eight lines. And I mean, when I tell you, I walked into the coaching horses. I didn't say a word. David Fulton tweeted today. Thank you for mentioning us and whatever.

I still remember Joey filled with Peruvian glue and his mouth was shut. I mean, I couldn't even fucking talk. That is no lie. My mouth was fucking shut. I remember them talking to me. I couldn't sweat. I couldn't do anything.

I still remember what I did that night. This is how disgusting and creepy I was. I fucking got so hammered at that coaching horses. By 11.30, I was so coked up. And every time I looked in the bag, there was still tons of coke left. I'm like, dog, this is going to be a long fucking night. So I stayed there as long as I could before I started getting creepier and creepier. Because I'm a creepy fucking guy as it is. Never mind putting cocaine in me.

The creepiness really comes the fuck out. and I'll never forget I had this car and I went across the street I bought a fucking two six packs and I went in this car I had a moonroof

and I fucking pushed the seat all the way back and I was staying on Vista like four car loads up from Josh Wolf under a tree that's when I lived in that car

you ever hear the car I lived in my apartment got towed that's when I had that car And I'll never forget that I went back to that car and I would drink, do lines. I couldn't talk. I didn't want anybody to see me. There was a blanket in the trunk. And I left this because I would live in the car from time to time, you know, was my travel

car to go on the road. I would put the seat back, put the blanket over me, and right in the driver's seat. I would try to jerk off from the Coke. And I couldn't jerk off because my dick would shrink. It was a fucking nightmare. That was one of the worst cocaine nights of my life. That Coke was so fucking tremendous. I'm telling you, I couldn't talk.

And I still remember it was me, Doug, David Fulton, his buddy that he always hangs out with. Josh Wolfe, I think it was like Tainam anew. There was like eight of us run. Not everybody was doing Coke. Like those guys don't do Coke. Fulton or Stanhope. I was the only Coke fiend.

But I was so. fucked up. I will never ever forget how embarrassing I was that night. Couldn't even talk. Couldn't even say a fucking word. And usually, like I have a friend. He does coke. He never talks, but he does coke. He doesn't talk because he

stutters. But when he does coke, he doesn't stutter. It's the weirdest thing. He does two, that's how I know he's doing coke. When he calls me, he's like, Poverati. Oh, Salomeo. When he's doing, when he's not doing coke, it's like, die, how he doing? What do you mean?

I was like Lee's cousin. Yeah, but when he's fucking doing coke, oh, he's straight as an arrow. He's singing Kenny Rogers' songs and shit like that. So, yeah, it was just two guys seeing each other that hadn't seen each other in a long time. And I was very happy. I was very happy for the memories.

I'm happy that you guys got to hear the memories that we shared with Ralphie and his mother. God rest of soul, she had old, breasts like Mrs. Stanhope had breast implants like in 1950 they were made from wood like a tit to a heart and she would ask you from find the time

feel them feel them if you want and you're like miss Stanhope how long ago I mean guys it was a crate listen it was a lot different that one had became things weren't so serious you know he said of himself Mitch Hedberg wrote the joke when we used to play tennis

down at Gorky Park because it was a Russian parks they would call it Gorky Park I mean we were down there three four nights a fucking weekday playing tennis you know comedy was fun

I didn't know what I was doing I was a young kid I was Lee I was basically a Lee hanging out with Doug Stanhope Mitch Headberg and hanging out at the comedy

fucking club and learning from those guys it was just the ultimate I mean I was I when I saw Doug Stanhope like I had met Doug in 91 or 92 and then we worked together in 93 then he won San Francisco

Doug came back to Seattle in 96 and did a weekend and this is what changed Joe Diaz you know we do the album of the week and I show you about my influences you know the people who influenced me with music whether I do the album of the weekend on Patreon So I'm sorry if a lot of guys don't see it.

When I do the album of the week, it's not from, I don't go on Rolling Stone. I don't go on fucking whatever and look at what albums are popular. I'm telling you what created my musical taste when I throw different albums at you. You know, what's this week? Elton John, you know, goodbye yellow brick road.

You know, last week was volume four. You know, every week I throw a different album, you but the you know what is what Joey what is the comparison between Elton John and Doug and Doug Stanhope and and Black Sabbath there's no connection there's no out and John doing Black Sabbath you never seen Sabbath covering fucking you know hello baby hello wow wow no you don't see that shit happening that's as far as a genre as you could see the difference I had to do the same thing with comedy because that's how he learned to be a good comic you know I'm a dirty comic but I'm a big fan of John Mullaney's you know because he works

clean I think it'd take you know I hope he's doing well he was in a rehab I hope he's out and he's handling his fucking business like a man most people were goofing on him because he had the courage to go to a fucking rehab people just have no fucking respect for anybody anymore these days but Doug Stanhope was one of those guys that I looked at that June I remember we were going to go see Atlantis Morris at that Saturday. $65 tickets. I was furious. My girlfriend at the time.

But that Friday night, I went to see Doug Stanhope and I laughed so hard, it made me depressed because I knew I would never be as good as a comic. as Doug Stanhope. He was on a different fucking level in 96. In my world right now in my eyes, I'm a huge fan of Bill Burr. I think Bill Burr is God. I think when I think of what a stand-up is,

I think immediately to Bill Burr. And then we have different styles. We have Joe Rogan that has a different style. I have more of a storytelling style. Theo is a storytelling style. But the true Lenny Bruce of our generation is not Dave Chappelle. It's not Joe Rogan. It's none of those guys.

It's not. And I'm not saying that they're bad comics. They're great comics. They influence me. They fucking, you know, Dave Chappelle, you know, I watch everything. Patrice O'Neill, all these guys are great comics. But for me, the real Lenny Bruce of my career was Doug Stano. because while everybody else tried not to be Hollywood,

he wasn't Hollywood. All those other comics will tell you, they're not Hollywood. They're Hollywood. If you're telling me you're not Hollywood, it's because you're Hollywood. You don't have to tell me. We see it.

We see it. Doug Stanhope told the industry to go fuck themselves. The biggest lesson that I learned from Doug Stanhope was, don't need nobody if you work on your craft I don't care if you do triple runs and nobody sees you if you work on your craft you disappear for five years they're gonna fucking know who the fuck you are whether you like it or not Doug Stanhope didn't give a fuck about TV he didn't give a fuck about anything in the height of comedy in 2005 he picked up his bags and moved to Bisbee Arizona and

told the industry to suck his dick that's what a real fucking comic does do you understand me we go against you you know he uh him and shan rouse did a fucking show Sean rouse got rest his soul funny motherfucker and I guess Doug stanhope went up there made fun of the owner's son and he banned them from all the funny bones and improvs did you think that stopped Doug stanhope bitch he went and got bars all across the street from those clubs and sold them out now he can play whatever improv he want him funny bone he wants to because he fucking shut him the fuck down that's what a real comic does we don't

play into their fucking hands we're running the fucking game bitch and he's proving it all along he went to bisby where everybody else's fight do you think the the comedy store was great but if stanhope was there during this whole thing it would have been the fucking cherry on the fucking sunday it would have been a club that the wrath of that club would have been it would have been just too much it was he would have really added because his style of comedy is very unique very funny very intelligent it comes off from some far out fucking places you know and and it's not just that it's his lifestyle you know he you heard him he bought a car from a friend of mine he used my friend's fucking address for his license and a fucking ad you know this guy was just living a life that most people

dream about living because they're not controlled by anybody you can't tell duck stanell not to do a joke neither can me you know we're fucking savages we're cut from the same cloth i learned as much from him as i did from jo rogan joe rogan had the more professional style that's why joe rogan made the hundred million dollars and did the other stuff. Doug was more of a purist. Doug won't do it for the money. Doug doesn't give a fuck about the money. It's like me.

I don't give a fuck about stand-up money. I love, you don't get paid for stand-up. You get paid for the bullshit that comes along with it. The flights and the fucking waiting and get to your hotel after you haven't slept and the room isn't ready. And, you know, people coming up to you afterwards with bad breath and talking to you about that.

Episode 629 and how you were wrong about the fucking whatever. You know, there's always fucking something. So what I'm trying to say to you is, you know, Stan up was a genius, and I'm happy I had him on the show. And I'm happy you fucking guys enjoyed them because I've been different since I talked to. I mean, I've had a hard time here the last six months. The last five, we've done the podcast. And Mike has helped me tremendously.

to push through whatever anxiety and fears and whatever the fuck I was going for it's rough i'm just a fucking dad now in this and suburbia i live in fucking suburbia i'm a fucking i'm a suburban fucking dad living in the sticks loving it you know just loving it today i got up i went to the gym i talked to the girl i'm writing the book with my partner we did a half hour 45 minutes on the phone that's coming along just fine but i do have a little sadness in my heart today I want to talk to you about. It's been a year today officially since I've been at the comedy store. It's been a year since I've been on the main room stage. It's been a year since I've been in the original room because I did both shows

that night. It's been a year since I hugged Ali Wong tonight, March 3rd. This is, tonight was the last night I went down there. I walked in. People were talking about social distancing. I guess nobody at the comedy store got the memo. And yeah, nobody at the store had gotten the memo. There was no fucking nothing. I remember walking into that comedy store on a Tuesday night and it was mobbed. And I just got back from Vegas and I'm like,

what the fuck is this shit? And I just wasn't feeling it. I went into the bar. The bar was packed. It wasn't until I went into the main room and I went into the green room. I saw they had no windows. My anxiety shot up. I went by the door.

I got some oxygen. And I remember trying to sneak out of it as fast as possible. Seeing an alley giving her a hug. Telling that she looked beautiful and I just walked out and got in my car and never went back. I didn't know that night. That was going to be my last night there. I'm not going to tell you I did. I knew it was over when they told me a week later they closed the store.

That's when I had a feeling I wouldn't be up there. Once I made the commitment to come to the store, I fucking, I went to the store on a Sunday with my family, put my hand against the wall, and I thanked it. I thanked the spirits. I thanked the wall. I thanked the building. I sat on the stairs.

You know, I'll post a, I think I got the pictures in here. I'll post one of them on Patreon. But, uh, and on Twitter for you, if you'd like for you guys. But yeah, I, uh, I, uh, took pictures of the, uh, of my last day at the store. I went on the Sunday and I just walked around. I walked around the whole building. I went all the way to the back, you know, where Jeff Scott used to sit. and I fucking sat back there for a minute.

And then I walked around to the back door and I sat on those steps. How many nights did I sit on those steps? Talking to great fucking minds from Joe Rogan to Eddie Griffin to Paul Mooney to, I don't know how many nights I sat there talking to Andrew Dice Clay, him giving me advice, you know, Sebastian. We were just young fucking knuckleheads getting advice from a fucking elderly, you know.

Andrew Dice Clay, I just cannot tell you. Cannot tell you, you know. So that podcast Monday was great because it settled me down. I got to see one of my old buddies. And I think we're going to do this once a month. Me and Stan Hope just once a month fucking around and telling stories, telling crazy road stories. I went on the road with them a couple times. We'll save those.

I didn't even go into those. I went on the road to maybe twice, once to Harvey's in Portland, and once to a club in Wisconsin, I think. I think I canceled him on that one. He was pissed at me. But when I brought him on, it was just to thank him for being my friend.

I was, how fucking lucky was I? How lucky was I, man, that God put to stand hope in my life. And then what I was trying to explain to you before it just wasn't stand up i had rick dookam in my corner then paul mooney was in my corner then fucking joe rogan got in my corner then ralphie may was in my corner and it was like you know i'm getting mented by when i met ralphi ralphi was a no name but he was already headliner ralphi ralphi i wasn't headlining when i met ralphi ralphi could already do an hour 20 i wasn't even

close to that shit but those conversations with ralphi and dug you know we mentioned selina hosa god rest her soul she passed a few years ago this chick was our friend she became she went on doug's show dug had a 13 episode uh deal with fox a hidden camera show did you ever know that if you could ever find those if anybody could find those online Get ready to laugh. It's just pranks. He was the best. And there's one particular when the limo driver has to give him a ride to the airport.

And when the limo driver shows up, he goes, we got a problem. My grandmother died. We got to drop her off at the hospital. You don't know how many limo drivers took off. There was one Arabian guy. He was like, we'll do it. They taped grandma. They taped the stuff.

Like, it was a fake thing, and they put a blanket over her. And they put her on top of him. SUV and they duct tape this guy said for an extra hundred we'll do whatever you need to do and they drove. Then they showed Doug going into a pizza parlor with a cat, with a dead

cat in a box like what looked like a dead cat. He said, excuse me, I was finished. I was cooking this cat and I fucking I fucking my oven blew do you mind putting this in your pizza and finishing the cat up and the guy would

open it up and it's like a half a dead cat that was really fake and the guy throw it would throw dug out it was just it was 13 episodes if you could find it find it but yeah today is uh a very

listen I did so many things I didn't even had a chance to absorb it if I was sad or not but I am a little bit off I lost my I lost my world yes today a year ago today I lost my world I thought it was just going to be for

a couple weeks and here we are a year later in the comedy store is still closed my my heart goes out to them I don't know what they're going to do you know I'm not them I don't have to pay those mortgages or I don't have to pay all that stuff so whatever they decide to do they have my blessing because I got what I needed out of them and they got what they needed from me I and we were solid to each other So this year has been very hard for me, you know. This move has been very hard for me. I know a lot of guys have watched me and said, you know, Joey, we could see kind of that something. Hey, it's, I'm fighting something that it's starting to accept now.

I'm accepting my new role as a suburban, a suburbia dad in the sticks, you know. I got the next four, five weeks on Uncle Vinny. starting tonight. I got a guest spot tonight. I'm excited about all this stuff and, you know, I'm wishing for the best. You know, I don't know what's going to happen after March,

but I will tell you what I... I read emails. You know, you guys know I read your emails and stuff like that. I got an email from a friend of mine. Like a comic friend of mine. He goes, did you read this? Somebody had posted

that the real... reason i didn't move to austin they didn't say nothing negative they just said we love joey but we know why he didn't move to austin because joe wasn't going to let him on the podcast because of spotify let me explain something to you i wasn't going to austin either way i told you guys that in april the week that they shut march march ninth march 10th i was supposed to be here March 11th I was supposed to be at whatever Poughkeepsie I don't fucking know Nyack and then the next two days three days I already had a realtor who was going to show me a few houses up north once the pandemic the pandemic canceled you know I got a shot in my knee and my niece rolled up so I had to cancel Tuesday I had to cancel fucking Wednesday and by Wednesday they were already saying the Bergen County TNEC was spreading And there was another part, Orchid Park or whatever. So that stopped me from coming to New York to purchase a home.

And when Joe Rogan called me and he goes, hey, I'm moving to Austin and I want to buy your house, 10 out of 10 people would buy a fucking house, would let somebody buy them a house. I love Joe Rogan. I didn't need for him to buy me a house. I love him with all my heart. The office still on the table. I could call them to mom and say, I'm selling this fucking crib, and I'm moving down.

I'm sure the office store on the table. But if you think I didn't move down there because I couldn't get on the podcast, do you guys actually think I'm that shallow? Is that what you think of me, that I'm that shallow, that I wouldn't live down there because of a fucking podcast?

I've been on the podcast 20 times, and as all of you guys knowing, I destroyed them every time. You know like Bon Jovi says, I've seen a million faces and I rocked them all. How many times I go on that podcast and rocked that bitch? I did my job. I don't need to go back on there no more. Him and I speak all the fucking time.

We spoke last night, you know. We spoke two nights ago and last night. We had a pleasant conversation. I think he's going to buy something down there. It's not my liberty to discuss what the fuck he's going to buy. But I'll be there. And I'm not even going to tell you. what I'm going to do that podcast with.

I'm going to surprise you, motherfuckers. Next time I do the J.R.E. podcast, I'm going on there with the king. You guys, your jaws are going to drop. New Jersey, your jaws are going to drop. Who I'm going to go on there with. I'm not going to tell you when. I'm not going to tell you who. I'm just going to, I want you to just see Joey Diaz and the name you're going to see next to it.

And all your wigs are going to fucking. fall off. So, but that's not happening until August and September. So don't get in a fucking pickle yet, but I'll be in Austin. Not anytime soon, but I'll be in Austin. I'll be down there visiting him hanging out. I want to see Red Band. I spoke to Red Band the night and like I've always told people, the day I die, the guy that's going to cry the loudest is going to be Red Band and he's going to be meaning it because we definitely love each other. We were so excited. to talk to each other. I talked to Chris DeLeo last week.

He's doing great. I spoke to Ali Wong last week. She's doing great. You know, Doug Stanhope. I check in, man. Gotta check in with these fucking savages. Theo Vaughn. One motherfucker I didn't talk to was Josh Roof.

I got to give that cock sucker. I recall. Fucking Jew is shooting especially. He forgets about his uncle fucking Joey, these cock suckers. But I got to talk to you guys about something before we wrap this up. Sunday I'm in a good mood.

I get stoned, you know. We don't have to do the podcast till Monday. I'm having a great time. The girls went to a friend of theirs from L.A. That moved here also. So I had a few hours to myself. You know, I'm smoking some bones. I think I went to the gym.

I went to the gym. I came back. Once I go to the gym, I rode the bike for 15, 20 minutes. I felt good. and I started fucking around on Periscope. Now I'm going to tell you guys something, okay? So I start fucking around on Periscope, and guess what? Some guy starts calling me.

Calling your phone? Yeah, yeah. A 201 number. Okay? Now, he keeps calling, he keeps calling, then he keeps texting, he keeps texting, he thinks it's cute. You know, he thinks it's really cute. Me, I laugh.

I want you guys to all know something. The 323 number I have, everybody's got that one you're my friends I love you the death it rings a hundred times a day and I'm not picking it up I decided about two years ago that if I picked up every call I had every day I wouldn't have time to do anything I'm dead serious there was a bunch people who listened to the podcast I gave you know no phone numbers to you give you give them they call you once they call every day. And it just gets out of control.

People, I have a daughter, I got to take it to events. I do things with wives. I'm at meetings. I'm getting calls from people that should not be calling me at 2 in the fucking afternoon. So about a year ago, way before a year ago, about a year ago, yeah, it was last, it was last March before the pandemic. I got a new phone. It's a private phone.

even if you get a private investigator, you can't find it. As a matter of fact, as of today, only 16 people have that phone. 17, when I give it to Mikey next, because I'll give it to Mike. So it's people who matter to me

that I can't miss their calls because this phone has become such a fucking circus. So, you know, you could call, let me tell you something. That 3-2-3 number, if you find it, you could call it to your face turns green

nobody's ever going to answer it nobody's ever going to answer it and I and if like I know and if you it's funny if I actually find like if you leave a message and you're annoying I actually saved the contact

so when you call I know not to fucking pick it up so you could call that number if you find it online you could call it until your fingers turn blue you're never it's like the people who messaging me like you missed a call why are you what would make you think i would pick up a messenger call listen to my background i don't want to talk to nobody i don't know nothing i don't know i don't want to know about nothing i don't want to know about nothing i don't want to know about nothing i know nothing so why do you think do you really think i'm going to pick up a fucking hot call

I don't know. That's never going to happen. You're going to have to leave a message and you're not going to hear back from me. Yeah, on purpose. He thought he was fucking cute. You know, like, let me break his boy. It's something I would do too.

You know, fucking, I did it to Brody Stevens. When he had his talk show, I would text him. So calm is a motherfucker. But just note for the other people who think it's cute. and find my number and call, you could call a thousand times. That thing will never pick up.

In fact, there's days I don't even take that phone in the car with me. I put it in a fucking draw. And I just come back and see who calls, and I'm like, I'm happy I don't have this phone on me. So I got a phone that you couldn't find the fucking number even if you were in the CIA.

Think about how, a person can have a number and you can't find it what would i have to do so think about it knuckleheads don't fucking call me don't call me on that three two three number you're in no danger you could call it until you light yourself on fire if you facetime me and you're on fire i'll pick up the phone if i see that if i see you're on fire like on the thing like joey pick it up i'm on fire then i'll pick it up out of respect but unless if you're not on fire don't call my phone and for you fucking knuckleheads who i answered a message on it says you just missed the call on messenger listen i'm always going to miss the call on messenger always i don't even know where to pick up the phone

on messenger was the computer have a phone on the side you're supposed to fucking pick it up whatever the fuck yeah no i don't want to pick i don't want to talk to no but listen the rule still stands it stood with the church and it stands with the joint I don't know nothing I don't want to know nothing I don't know who you're talking about I don't know what you're talking about

I don't know nothing I don't want to meet nobody I don't want to see nobody I don't want to go to dinner with nobody I don't want to smoke with nobody I want to do nothing I'm fine we say hello we shake hands we give each other a hug

you take a hike snort I'll go fucking south. I don't know nothing. These people that come and ask me questions, uh-uh. You're asking the wrong fucking guy. You're not going to get nothing out of me. You know, I'm not a rat. I did time. But I not do time, you're not going to get nothing

out of me. So, please, don't call because you're in no danger. You got a better chance of getting a suicide hotline. Especially today, that shit is fucking busy. People have been calling suicide hotline all week. It's a bad fucking time of the year. It's a bad

time of the year for people. So, But I'm happy. We got to get to spend together this beautiful fucking Wednesday. I'm going to start off. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to call my man. I'm going to go on Draft Kings. I got a game tonight.

Chicago against New Orleans in motherfucking New Orleans. I think a friend of mine dropped a little dime on me. I said to look at the game. The game's a little awkward. If you go on Draft Kings, always you co-Jewy. And like I said, it's easy because, I've been getting into it lately. I'm having a great time just doing little prop bets.

I won Saturday, but I lost Sunday. You know, it's $25. What do I give a fuck? We're just having a good fucking time here. That's it and that's that for the fucking joint. Uncle Joey's joint. Facebook, I'm getting rid of you pretty soon. So expect to pull the plug on Facebook.

It's going to go down to Twitch. Twitter and Instagram. No more of motherfucking Facebook and Patreon. That's it. And I'm going to do a Patreon, maybe one tier, and that's it. Give you as much contest as I can.

I'm starting a Spanish podcast called La Descarga on Patreon. Then I'm going to make it. Let me work on it on Patreon for two or three weeks or a month. And then I'll put it out into because there's no categories for Spanish podcast on iTunes.

So if anybody knows where I would post this, please contact Mike or myself. But it's a new podcast called La Descarga. And we're going to talk about some completely different things. All the episodes will be in Spanglish, 80% Spanish. So if you don't ablo, this ain't the show for you. but if you want to keep in touch with Uncle Joey, it might be a thought.

It's first going to come on on audio and then we're going to do a video version of it at a studio right here close by. But besides that, I love you guys. Like I said, now for a word from my sponsors, but I want to thank everybody who sponsors, but I want to thank our biggest sponsors, you motherfuckers, for being here on Mondays and Wednesdays with us.

I love your cocksucker, stay black, and don't tell them I didn't tell you you, you know what I'm saying? Fuck them in the ear. I love you. Have a great weekend. See you Monday. Tip top fucking Magoo.

All right, I want to thank all you Cucksuckers for listening today for watching on YouTube. You know, I love you. I'm here swinging. Swinging during the COVID, you know. Most people fucking gave up or they're depressed.

I'm still over here fucking swinging. So I appreciate the people who are who still stuck it out with me because it's only going to get fucking better from here on in. Anyway, the joint is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Listen, ZipRecruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Listen, you know that good help is hard to find.

It's like trying to find the fucking, you know, a diamond. You're not going to find it. Sure, you can post your job online or at a cork board down at the fucking coffee cafe. You ever see the people to hang out the coffee shop? You're going to hire them? You're going to trust them with your business? Or you can just sit there and hope the right person walks by and reads your... No, stop dreaming.

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I've learned so much. And now with the surgery, CBD Lyon was there from A to Z. I mean, A to Z proven. I used every of their products from the gummy bear, the bath wall, the kinesiology tape, the tincture, the 5,000 milligram fucking tinctia. Forget about it. It makes you feel brand new, even with the oxycontins and all that garbage I had gone through my body. So right now today, go to CBD lion.com right now. I want to thank CBD Lion.

I want to thank ZipRecruiter. I want to thank On it. I want to thank Who else did we have this week? We had somebody else that was tremendous movement watches. I want to thank relief band. Look, I got my little relief band on for my nausea. And tonight there's a great game.

Listen to me, I'm not going to tell you where I heard it. But the line on Chicago at New Orleans is kind of kinky. Go to Draft Kings, give them a look. What else you're doing with your time? You might as well, it's March fucking mania. You know what I'm saying? Check out Draft Kings, put a little better. What do you give a fuck?

$25 to watch a game. They got a bunch of little contest. You're bored. You can control it. Stop being a fucking jerk off and fucking go to Draft Kings. You know, I love you, Cogsuckers. Have a great weekend, and I'll see you Monday morning. Tip, top, fucking Magoo.

There you go. Arranga, by Casa Coyo to Mard.