The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #047 - THEO VON - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Monday, March 15th..... Today, we talk to our friend THEO VON..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Manscaped & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and enter Code: JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheoVon #ThisPastWeekend Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

Greetings, you cock suckers. It's Monday, March 15th. I miss you little dirty bastards. Anyway, from the heart of Jersey, the joint is brought to you by. Draft Kings. I don't know if you're living in a fucking coma or you're hanging out with Ikebaugh crane, the guy that went to sleep and woke up 40 years later with a beard. I think that's his name.

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let's get this motherfucking party started. Welcome to the joint. What's that's You bad motherfuckers. It's Monday the 15th of fucking March. We're halfway through the goddamn month already. Can you fucking believe that shit? And I gotta tell you something. I'm wearing my little blue shirt and my fucking little light blue to bring happiness into your life, but I can't. I got to be honest with you people today. I'm a little low on a Monday. I'm here for you guys always. You know, I'm a fucking animal. I'm always ready to rock, but I'm a little low today. I'm very upset. over the Jennifer Lopez Jay Loeb broke up with the back Alex Rodriguez I just can't fucking believe they broke up

I was cheering for them are you people fucking retarded I don't give a fuck that they broke up she just ate up another poor fucking soul you know what I'm saying she's eating up puff ditty fucking puff daddy's cousin fucking Ben Affleck had to get a new wig

fucking Alex Rodriguez this bitch is a fuck listen I've been telling you for years I love Puerto Rican people. I love them to death of the closest thing to Cubans when they were. I avoid Puerto Rican women like fucking, they'll weigh you to fuck down. Poor fucking Alex Rodriguez for months had to be fucking going, make him believe he liked their new song.

Nobody likes that fucking shit. Can you imagine them playing that shit in your house? How do you like it? And then shit, they start dancing to it and lip syncing into it. And you have to sit there and put up with this shit, this fucking marimba music. I don't, oh my God. It's a fucking nice. Listen, when I met Joe Rogan, he had a whole, no, no headshot policy.

And I'm like, but how are you not going to date actresses there, Haudy? Because you don't know what comes with them. Let me tell you something. Date one of those actresses, you got your fucking hands full. Everybody on Saturday was like, Jay Low and whatever broke up, but let me tell you, who gives a Frenchman fuck? Worry about your relationship. That's all you got to worry about. J-Lo broke up with fucking A-Rod.

They probably got fucking, they probably couldn't shoot steroids anymore together. That's how you think she keeps her ass so fucking big and hot and juicy by fucking doing sit-ups? Yeah, you bought that fucking line cock-sucker. She's doing deck of deroblin too. But anyway, it's great to be here on a Monday. Fucking great weekend with the family again. Fuck comedy. I ate a bag of dicks last Wednesday at Uncle Vinny's.

But, hey, it happens. You can't fucking go up there all the time and just think you're going to sniff some nuts sacks and get out of there. Sometimes you got to swallow the whole soul. the whole sword and take it like a fucking man there's nothing you can do about it you know what i'm saying uh let me see what did i do i did two guitar lessons this week i've been practicing last night you cock suckers and your fucking guitar advice you know i got an addictive personality you know it and you're throwing videos at me and joey do this and joey listen to this fucking thing you guys are gonna fucking put me in a guitar fucking rehab people go to rehab for fucking cocaine and pills and reefer i'm gonna

to be the only half of fag playing like a ukulele for 10 minutes i have to wean off the guitar because you cuck suckers keep the i listen i'm just getting started the best thing about me getting started with this guitar is it's not like comedy it's like anything else i got no all the lusions of grandeur by the time i get good i won't even be able to fucking hold the fucking thing i'll be like the guitar player from motley crew have you heard anything about the motley crew ticket ticket tours remember they were going to do that big tour with fucking poison all those people that shit ended. McMawes is 60 going on 90. He's a he can't even pick up the fucking guitar. He's gonna have to have a little midget holder for him while he struts fucking

fucking. You know what I'm saying that you fucking crazy. By the time I get any good I'm gonna be fucking a hundred so relax. That's what's great about this. It's just a stress reliever for me. It filled in the biggest void I had in my heart. Nighttime. My wife leaves me at 9.30. The baby goes to bed at 9. I sit down here. I got two options. Shoot heroin, fucking watch more fucking bad TV or fucking, uh, you know. So I started reading my books. I started fucking playing the guitar at night. He gives me exercises. I learned, ready for this one? You ready for this one? I learned the first three chords of back in black. So I can play. Ban. Banga-d-d-bang-a-d-d-and. Now the, we'll save that for later.

You know what I'm saying? That, we'll save that for later. But the da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-a-ha. I could do. I'm not going to play it for you because it sounds like fucking something different. But at least I'm halfway there. That's all that matters. You got to stick with it, bitches.

Nothing happens on the fucking couch, nothing. Except you might find a nickel on there from time to time. And who needs a nickel? I got to check the other day for $0.25 from some movie I did 18 years ago. But I deposit a fuck yeah. I'm three-quarters Jewish. I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to say here, 25 cents.

Gas is going up. All of a sudden, fucking, this guy becomes present. I move here, it's 202. $2.02 for gasoline, New Jersey. I just got to go down a little bit down there. There's some people. They look kind of weird. I think they cut the gasoline.

$2.2. It's $3.60 now all over there. I heard it's like $5 in fucking California. Who gives a fuck? I don't live there anymore. But you know what? It's Monday. Rejoice.

The blue is back. I'm back. Uncle Joey's back. And as promised, I switch it up on you this week. Every Monday, we're going to have a guest. And every Wednesday, it's just one-on-one. So you don't think Uncle Joey's fucking being a Gabon and giving every beer fucking ear beating.

Hey, sometimes we might switch it around. I might come on on Monday. We might have a guest on Wednesday. But for now, it's been working out. And this week, I got one of my friends that I have, I have been a fan of his since about 2008. I really got to know him at the store about 2013. And I considered him a younger brother than me.

And I could see that for a couple of years. He had the world by the balls and something wasn't right. So I always made it a point to keep in touch with him because I loved them dearly. He's got the heart of gold. He's from my home. He's from one of my heroes' hometown. Pistol Pete Marevich is one of the baddest white motherfuckers

that ever lived behind Tom Brady and a couple other white motherfuckers that I love. And I've always loved this kid. And last week we were talking and we finally figured out what was eating away at us the last couple of years. We were burnt out. We were just burnt out.

it's very rough to do what we do, especially when you want to be as good as you want, we want it to be. You have to constantly have material. Your mind is constantly in thought. Sometimes Mike would call me and say, hey, did you see this? Mike, I don't even know that's existing

because I'm too busy trying to write the tail end of this fucking joke, you know. He was one of the guys that was working alongside with me, and I don't give a fuck when anybody has to think. I still think that some of the best work, I always tell you my best work. I think my special sucked. I think the work I did for Ari was great.

This is not happenings. But looking back now today, as a man, I have to be proud of what we did with the church or what's happening now. We did 880 episodes. 400 of them probably sucked. 200 of them were probably okay. and 200 of them were spectacular.

Theo Vaughn made one of them spectacular because we all ate mushrooms and then he went and did sets and people didn't know he was on the mushrooms and they taped them and it was just a great podcast he told us about his adventure in New York with the cab and I fell in love with the kid naturally and then he became sober and he was struggling

and listen man as comics you have no idea what's on the other side of the mind of the comic. For me, I'm not going to sit here and tell you it's depression and that bullshit. Do I look fucking depressed to you? I'm the happiest I've ever been.

But when you're in it, you're in it. And you don't know, you're not really taking time to smell the roses. And somewhere there's a disconnect. And that's what happened with a lot of comics. And that's why now you're going to see a lot of comics that, yeah, even though it's been a year, they're going to take a little additional time off

and really, really get to the root of the fucking matter. So without further, would do a little zoom on a Monday with my man Theo Vaughn i hope you enjoy cut suckers hey brother how are you today michael good what's up to you oh shit huh it's the mag daddy of the macdadi's what's up joey mother fucking theo vaughan looking good come looking decent let's don't you got nice head cut and shit let me sleep oh yeah Fucking all young and shit, the mullets gun. Yeah, it is, baby.

There we go. I'm gone. Let's do it, huh? Where's Lee, man? Where's you guys bury Lee? Lee's tough to bury. You got to pick them up and throw them in the hole. You just got to burn that body.

That's it. Throw leaves some fucking gasoline and fucking ignite. Oh, I got a buddy that does in-ground pools. We'll fucking find us. Spot for him, baby boy. He's in Florida. He's doing great. Listen, the best thing that happened out of this podcast was that Lee got to find

himself. Part of me doing what I did was moving and I could have brought Lee. Listen, 78% of the people who live in this town have children under 18. Oh, my God, man. Like pedophiles, you mean? No, they just have kids under 18 in the house. Oh, whoa, my bad. their own kid.

This ain't a fucking kid town. If Lee was sitting in his room on Studio City and Laurel Canyon and there was no action, can you imagine out here with trees and deers and shit? No. So he went to Boston. He went to Milwaukee and got a job, helped the guy put together an app. He went to Boston for a month and helped his mom. Now he's in Florida doing a great patron.

He lost 51 pounds. Yeah. Yeah, watch him on his walk. Sometimes he'll do these walks, you know, and I'll watch him on there and I'll, and I'll chime in and two and a half fucking miles, three miles a day. And listen, when I was 21, I had a really good job. I was running numbers in the city. Yeah.

And I was making 140 a day. But I also knew that that was going to come to an end one day. I was smart enough even then when I was all fucked up and coked up. I knew that what happens when I'm 28 one day and I go for a job and they're like, what have you done the last 10 years? Well, I've been running numbers. So when you run numbers, you're running numbers to open up a bank eventually or,

you know, you're just going to be a numbers runner all your fucking life. And I had no money to open up a bank. So one day I picked up and left because I knew I needed to fucking stretch my wings. You know what I'm saying? Like I need to find myself and prove it to myself that I could make it on my own. Oh, yeah. When I started the podcast with Lee, I thought he'd come to me five years later.

You know, look, I started this podcast, this podcast. I started a business consulting. I'm out of here. You know, I felt that Lee would just, he just, uh, he got soft like I got soft. We both got soft. You know, we were caught in a fucking carousel and blah, blah, blah. And look at him now. Yeah.

He's living his life now, Dio. He's making it happen. He realizes he's 32. He's got to get a piece of pussy pretty soon or he's going to bust. Oh, yeah. He needs a woman in his life. These are all the things that I couldn't help him with that he needed to just find on his own. That's what a man does.

They go on a journey. They go, fuck this shit, you know. I could sit here in Medford, fucking Louisiana, where you're from, but I see Mike tasting different waters from all over. over the world. Yeah. Go out there invention, find out who the fuck Theo Vaughn really is.

And that's what people need to do it once in a while. Oh, yeah. Sometimes you got to set down kind of where you've been at and go. No, I look, yeah, like I remember, I mean, yeah, like, L.

Because look, for me, man, Joey, it was like you guys and Fighter and the kids was, it was only two podcasts and Rogan, you know? And then, And then outside of that, in YouTube, it was just Kimbo Slices, just beating people up. You know what I'm saying?

There was nobody else out there, I remember, you know, except for funerals. I remember I used to be able to watch funerals online. Dude, they got these, like not Nairobian, but like Arabic funerals or something. Dude, like six hours of fucking funeral footage on there. There's no audio, but it's still, you know, it's, you know, but anyway, it's like, yes, I remember then it was like, You guys were the only shows in town, man. Dude, the church, bro, going in there, man.

You guys were, dude, you remember the time. So I come in that one time, bro. I had to tell you this. And good to see you today, man. I didn't realize how much seeing your face was going to make me so happy. That's what I said to you. I go, this is, I've been doing this the last three Saturdays with different comics. It's Saturday.

Right now, we would have been in a fucking hotel room, thinking about our lives, thinking about the two shows tonight. drawing pictures of cocaine. I used to draw pictures of cocaine on the fucking little pad by the bed with the pen. Jesus Christ. You know how hard it is to draw cocaine, bro? You know what I'm saying? It doesn't even make any sense.

But, um, but dude, I remember I came in one time to the church. And in the beginning, I said, hey, Lee, there's like a squeal or something. There's like a high pitch sound in the headphones. Can you, you know, we just check and figure out what it is. And so he's over there tankering. and we get into the episode. I think we got into a bag of mushrooms or something. About three hours later,

I hear the sound again, but I look over this time, and it's literally Lee is unconscious like this. He's like, now he's making the sound in the headphones. In the beginning, it was like an actual electronic audio deficiency. And by the end,

man, he was just like a possum just playing fucking high, you know? The fucking drug abuse. The, you know, I almost took lead to the vet. One time I was leaving there, I said,

I gotta take this guy out of the fucking vet. I said, damn, the hospital can't help this guy, bro. You have no idea that we grew as the edible era grew. Like, we got into the podcast as edibles were fucking like, for years, it was the lollipop and the breadstrip. And then we got on board and all these fucking places started coming up with little edibles. And I'll never forget.

It started with a black and white cookie. There was a company that made a black and white cookie that was 200 milligrams. I would break it with Lee and tell him it was 15 milligrams. And he would tell me, this has to be stronger than 15 milligrams. I'm building his tolerance. I'm taking Cheeba Choo's out of the 170s and putting 70 milligrams in that, right? I'm taking the 70 milligrams and taking them out and putting the 180s in that.

and I would I mean it was like stealing I would wrap it a certain way so he would know that I actually fucked with it yeah and he would go I don't want that one because you messed around with it well he actually was taking the one

with the 180 in it because I folded it perfectly and crazy glued it and did the whole fucking thing I mean it was just months and months that he thought he was taking 10 milligrams and he was taking 2,000 milligrams and we know that We were leaving there just fucking lit.

People have no idea how many people walked out of that room at the end. I saw Ron White, I mean, Sarah Tierra, Theo Vaughan, poor Owen Benjamin was walking and is still fucking walking. You know, it just, it was just a fucking, you know, Gabriel came up the first time. For years, Gabriel wouldn't come back on. For years. He said he left there and he couldn't stop eating turkey sandwiches. He said he went home. He must ate 15 turkey sandwiches.

It was just and it was fun while we did it because I listened to you. I felt this. Rogan was always very intelligent. Bill Burr was witty. I couldn't beat Mark Maron's interview in styles. So for me to get up there, I had to do something from the outrageous. So I figured we'll go out there with my strength.

is fucking my tolerance. And we'll smoke dope and we'll fucking eat edibles and we'll do ketamine and whatever a guest shows up with except fucking blow. I'll do in that fucking studio, you know, and heroin. We never did heroin on the podcast. I remember one time I dropped the bud of pee,

a reefer in pee. I had it in my sweatshirt and the bud, the canister fell out of my pocket. And the buds, two buds went into the pee and I took them out. and saved them. And I saved them there for like two months. And I brought them in one night and I rolled them up in a joint and smoked them.

And Lee's like, this pot got me really high tonight. I don't know what it is. I'm like, you know what it is? I dipped it in fucking P-HC piss from the night before when my piss levels at the highest THZ levels. And that motherfucker crossed it on. And then we smoked that number. His eyes are ready.

He's like, I can't taste the pee. I can't believe he made me taste the thing. There's no pee. involved the P disintegrated it went right into the fucking bud it was too much it was just too much I'm up to listen when I when I decided to end that podcast it was one of the hardest days of my life but what happened to the studio Joe the studio I gave it up for rent wow was it hard to do was it tough did you guys have a day where you moved everything out or kind of you know what what went down there what was that day like was it just you was it Lee what happened it was it was

July 12th, when I made the official decision that we were moving, and it took about four or five days to think of what I was going to do with the church. And I had a decision to make. I was either going to leave Lee, which I would miss him tremendously, or I would drag Lee to South Jersey. And I took a look at the big picture. I was starting to get emails for two years about that. I was enablingly.

And I was starting to feel guilty. I was starting to feel guilty because I felt that just like Mike is helping me now. I like Mike. And I like that he helps me. I like that he's here twice a week. But in three years, I want Mike to say, listen, I'm doing this. I'm doing this. I'm doing this.

You know, I'm just giving you a warning as a, a friend that maybe in six months, I want to take this in a different direction. Would you mind? And I'm the type of motherfucker that I want to see people grow. Hmm. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm the type of, yeah. I'm cheering for you to grow.

That's part of, you know, I took my daughter to kickboxing this morning. Oh, yeah. And some little new kid got a white belt and you have to clap for the kid. And on the way out, I told my daughter, I go, you know, what they're teaching you there when you're clapping for the kid is for genuinely be happy or for people. That's part of this whole thing that you can't. No jealousy. We have to be, have to be happy for people and we have to push people that are around us up a little bit. Like you're having a rough day deal. Let's talk. What's the matter? I don't know. My material deal. You're going to do great.

Don't think about what's going on. Just go up on state. Next thing you know, Jeff Scott, RIP's calling Theo up. And you go up then kill and you'd fucking destroy. I just lifted you. I just told you it's going to be okay. before we go on stage, that one minute before we go on stage, we get hit with every doubt that we can in the world. Every doubt, you know. All kinds of stuff fly in my head. I shouldn't be in the same room with Bill Burr. I went to prison.

I'm not a good joke writer. This guy's way better than me. You know, you get all these doubts in your head. Then you've got to pick yourself up. That's where I'm there for. Because for years, I would look at that stage. And I know they're bringing me up. The lights on blue.

You know what I mean? Lights Amles ran the fuck. out of that. Like just coming to the stage, Joey Diaz. I'm just going to and fucking I'm running on sunset stripping a fucking car from fear. But no, that's when I would sit there

and go fuck this. I got to go up there and fucking kill these cock suckers period. And that's where you get your balls from, you know? Yeah, I think I got to remember that sometimes too, just to lift people up and be a part of just like you get into this space sometimes where you get in fear

where it's like you don't even realize you're in fear. You're just trying to hold on to everything you got going on. You know, uh, it's hard. I mean, it's all a little bit tricky sometimes, you know, when your career changes when, you know, the landscape changes, you know, and, uh, yeah, it's just, I mean, it's a journey, man. It's all a journey. What does Theo Vaughn think of his career today? Where did Theo Vaughn today with his career? Well, I feel, you know, when I really start to drop into it, I feel, I feel pretty good, man. I feel it, you know, I feel honestly, I hate to say this,

I feel grateful for the fucking disease or whatever this thing is, you know, whatever happened because I was kind of burnt out, man. Like my brain felt like it separated from my neck, you know, like somebody had been fucking feeding me knives at night, you know, like I was just like, I was exhausted. You know, like about a year and a half ago, I canceled. I had five shows in Brea that were sold out for Friday, Saturday.

and I canceled on a Tuesday. I couldn't go on. I just couldn't. I was just burnt. I literally could not go out there and do it. I was just burnt out. So, so I needed some type of a break

and this whole virus came along or whatever it is. And so now I feel pretty, I feel a little more hopeful like I'm getting more excited. I was grateful to have podcasting during that. You know, like we've been at least able to survive. You know, we've been at least able to like,

okay, we got a microphone. You got Michael over there, we got Sean over here. We got a producer. Okay, how do we start to piece this together, you know? And week by week, you start to get your set back behind you when you figure it out. And then you start to really like, okay, I think I can do this. Okay, he can come in on a Saturday. I can come.

We can do this, you know, we start to build it back up. And I'm starting to feel again like I can get on stage again. And it feels kind of fun, you know, like I didn't want to get on stage for a year. Honestly, bro. I just was just cooked. And we did a lot, man. During that five or six, I don't know, you guys did it for so long.

You guys fighter and the kids. You know, you guys did it for so long. But I just got into that wheel where it was like three episodes a week and going out of town and doing the shows on the weekend. It just, it was like I felt like a remote control car, you know, but some fucktard had the remote. And we didn't even know where he was, you know? I felt like, Jesus, who's got the damn remote, too?

You know, I felt like some brother was on PCP and he had fucking happened upon the remote, you know, like my goose was fucking grilled, baby. So right now I feel like, okay, what do I want to do? Like, it took me a long time to feel like, okay, this audience is going to stick around. Like, I felt like, man, like, I think in my whole life, everything I always felt like when I was a kid, like, I didn't know if things were going to stick around. Like I didn't know if the next second was guaranteed or if the next, you know, when my mom came home, if she was going to feel okay or if she was going to be happy.

I just, there was never any guarantees, you know, so I think it took me a while to feel like, okay, if you go sell a show in a year, put your name on a bill in a year, people are still going to come. And so that's where I'm just kind of getting to. I feel like personally, like having some confidence that I don't have to fight every single second for somebody to be there that okay you've done enough work where people are going to come you can start to be a little bit more like come from a place of of like planning instead of a place of like desperation or reactiveness you know i feel like now i can kind of take action so yeah i want to

maybe do some touring later in the year and in the next year um i'm working i got a cartoon i'm thinking about trying to work on. I think about writing, putting together a book or something. But man, I didn't realize how happy till just, just this moment, how happy I am to be here with you today, bro. Thank you, dog. Theo, let's go back to 2006. I'm playing Beaumont.

You're doing some casino in New Orleans. I heard of your name. You had done something for MTV or whatever. When did this hit you in the face that your little fucking dream? that we both had this little thing started we started living at what year did it start going into motion for you i guess that it started going into motion i would say you know i think there was probably a night i was in kansas city man i was at uh at the funny bone there i think or improv maybe and i wasn't really selling any tickets or anything but

I remember the building was burned. I was in a hotel. Somebody had set it on fire, right? It's always a good sign. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's, I mean, it depends on what, like, religion you are,

but yeah, some religions maybe. But, um, so I'm there and the firemen are coming up, bro, and I just, you know, look,

I just got into my room from the shows. It's cold outside. I got a fucking big sandwich, bro. I'm sitting there on the bed. If I die, die, you don't know what I?

I'm not fucking leaving the hotel room, you know. And there's literally police officers beating or, you know, whatever it is, fire police or whatever, you know, people with the axe, you know. I think it was a black guy. Honestly, Bryce signed a black. I'm not saying that. But, and look, I would rather a black fireman. I believe a black guy could beat fire.

You know, I don't know what your paper, rock scissors chart is, but I believe if you go brother fire, bro, I'll fucking put a brother over fire. Bro, brothers don't like fires. You know what I'm saying? It's in that DNA. They don't like anything. for years with fire. They just don't like it.

A black fireman shows up. That fire is going down. That's what I'm saying? Writing is done. You know what I'm saying? Brothers don't like fire. For him, that brothers in Frankenstein,

they're never like fire. People chase the motherfuckers for years with fire. Yeah, too. So I knew when I heard. We're canceled by Wednesday. You know what are we going to do? Can't me son.

They can't take nothing away from me, bro. They can't do. What are you going to do? That's it, baby. I hope they can't. We'll start a new show called fucking welcome to cancel. Welcome to Cancelville. Greetings from Cancelville.

That's it. Fuck you motherfuckers. Kick that mayonnaise, Lee, you know? Yeah, fuck it. We'll show up with a fucking picture of Weinstein hanging on a rope behind this and shit. Fuck it. Somebody gave me a car deodorizer with winesstein hanging. I don't know if I should put it in my car.

I feel weird. I'm a Catholic. I can't have people hanging. around bad at Spittitos. Yeah, that's a risky. That's a risky move, man. But I remember, I remember they're beating on the door, bro. They think that, I don't know why, you know, it's a, you know, Kansas City, it's still

a smaller kind of city. And so I don't know if they think the fire's in my room or whatever, but they'd be, everybody else is evacuated from the hotel. You look out the window that you can see the flames downstairs, you know, on the first floor. And I'm on like the 12th floor. They got me out at one of those landmark hotels, you know, you're outside of the city. and they're beating on the door and I'm not going anywhere.

And that's kind of when I realized, you know what? Like, I'm not going anywhere, you know? I did my shows. I got a sandwich. I'm sitting here. I'm at a fucking, I'm at the tallest fucking Hampton in in America.

You know what I'm saying, bro? Like, I don't care if they burn this bitch down. I don't care if there's fire, if there's fucking brother with axes and fucking buckets of water at the door. I'm not going. anywhere. And I think there was a little part of me in that night that was like, just like, this is it. This is where you're going to be, man. No matter kind of what happens. And I still

felt like in my head at that time and in my, in my spirit, I felt like I was capable. And I knew I was doing a good, doing a good comedy show. But nobody else knew it yet. And that's kind of, But that's when I felt like I was committed, bro, when they're beating down the door, you know. And the brother was cool, man. He actually came in. They finally, you know, they came in because they jimmy the shit open or whatever eventually. You know, I don't know if these guys also do pop a lock or whatever during the day. But this motherfucker, you know what I'm saying?

He was in there in about 10 seconds, man. He was in there. And he saw me and I said, hey, man, I just got back from work. You know, if, you know, if I'm really going to burn double back around. And he said, I got you found. And it was, I don't know, it was just kind of cool. So that's when I knew I was in. When did I know my career was going to get better?

Honestly, not till podcasted, man. Not till you guys, not till fighter and the kid, man. Until I went on those podcasts, I didn't really have anybody that cared. You believe that for years, we got to L.A. and they told us we had to have a show. And you have to do this and you have to do that. And next thing, you know, you go on somebody's podcast. And he's telling a story about I see Mike or how you got to drive your father to liquor store when you were a kid. And next thing you know, there's 80 people at your fucking show that said they really like what you. It was mind blowing. The growth of the podcast was a connection. You know, when I got to LA, it was get on a TV show, recur on it and get people guaranteed to come out.

Yeah. tons of people on TV shows that can't sell tickets now, you know, podcast legitimized us. It made us put our money what our mouth is. It told, you know, for me, it was telling the story about mugging a hooker and lighting a wig on fire. Oh, yeah. The next week, I'm out there and I'm selling tickets.

I had done Adam Sand, the movie, Spider-Man 2. You know, I did everything I fucking could, except go to Montreal. They never wanted me as a comic. So I went to the back door and, look, we ended up going through. the back door because we were not from the comedy central cut where the fuck are they today they're all hiding for cover because for 20 years they provided services that one out of five comics were fucking the real killers they were giving you fluff and whatever the fuck they wanted to give you so they lost credibility when all of a sudden you and Ari and Bert and fucking Tom

and all these comics that were unknown to the audience and now became known. Central lost face. They're over there jumping up and down with the three same comics. I have nothing against them. Nothing at all. I love Daniel Kosh. I miss going on the road because I would watch the Taj one after the other, 2.0,

whatever the fuck. Love that shit. But it wasn't just Taj. They were giving half hours to people. You never even fucking heard of. Oh, dude, some dude, they had some guy in a coma.

They gave him a half fucking hour, dude. He had like, it was like eight beats. One defibrillator went off. the battery was low on it. That was his half hour. Yeah. Because he was allegedly transgender. We don't fucking know if he was.

We don't know. And Comedy Central was forced to his comics down your throat. The special were there on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Then you'd move on. And that was it. Now, you know, when people come to see you, let me tell you the other problem was that let's say you want a show that was like, think of what's the guy that was coming to the store that America's

funny is videos. Bob Sagit. Bob Sackett. Think of some guy like Bob Saggett that was on a family show. Then you see Bob Sagitt talking, watch him. Talking about putting two fingers in your asshole and smelling your fingers.

People were running out of those places because they expected to see the fatherly figure that was Bob Saggett. Podcast changed that. Podcast let you know exactly who the fuck we were and where the fuck were you coming from. And if you don't want to come, you don't have to come. You know what's on my mind.

Yeah. That gave you more of a personal touch that people that have TV shows now, I know for a fact, I don't want to drop any names. It's not for me to say they can't sell tickets. Oh, yeah. Because that connection is not there. Now, if they would have done the TV show and a podcast throughout the week to contain that TV show on their own, not CBS run with the co-star and you got to talk, you know, but letting people what's on your, let people, know what's in your heart and soul, not what some, some fucking writers are writing for you. It would make a world of a difference now to an actor.

When that show moves on, guess what? You're going to retain that audience. And they're going to follow you for years for Comic-Con and shit like that. But that's what I'm trying to say. That podcast changed the game, especially for guys like you or me that had a life. That have stories. Yeah. Yeah, one of the things we wanted to talk about are also.

So sometimes it's just things you want to feel, things you want to have a concern about, you know? It's like I can talk to you. And if I need help with something, I can act and say it. Like even as we're talking about Hollywood, man, sometimes I feel bad, not bad, but like I get angry at Hollywood. But I don't want to be carrying that anger around because Hollywood's still a good, you know, it's just a business. You know, it's just their business. And sometimes it's an old model, but it's obviously a killer model, you know. you know, sometimes I guess I have this chip on my shoulder about Hollywood and I wish I didn't have it sometimes, you know, because it doesn't do anything.

Then I'm just carrying this kind of angst, you know. But yeah, man, I'm grateful. I would never be mad at you for having a chip on your shoulder against Hollywood. I'm going to tell you why. One thing during this pandemic, it gave us all opportunity to think. It also gave us a chance, got an opportunity to catch up on shit we hadn't seen. You know, you get sick of what they're serving on TV. So you start watching other things.

You start watching movies that same thing with music. I started listening to music I had listened to in 20 years. I have the albums. I just listen to different stuff on Spotify and YouTube, but I'm on a computer. I watched the movies that stuck out the most when I watched this was Bronson's Death Wish. Steve McQueen's Getaway, which I watched the other night. And I watched how the West was won or something with Charles Bronson, which was a long-ass movie.

And what I realized was I was a fan of that Hollywood. I was a fan of those men, how they conducted themselves. You know, when Marin called me and said that Artie Lang had fallen out for his episode against Sally Struthers, I had a bunch of shit to do that week. but I didn't really care. I canceled it and I did the episode because I wanted to talk to Sally Struthers about Steve McQueen in the getaway.

And I remember asking her at the third day, not the first or second day, I had to keep me, you can't be a comedian act like a jerk, well, but the third day, your last day on the set, you could be a little bit of a jack-off because you're not coming back tomorrow anyway. So I asked her, I go, how was Steve McQueen? And she goes, he was an animal.

And I remembered why, because in that movie, She's yelling in the hallway. He just looks at her and fucking punches her right in the fucking face. Like you couldn't get away. They give you 22 of years now for doing that shit on film even. You can't do it on film. But that's the way I treated Hollywood. I went to Hollywood.

I wasn't a formal actor. Neither were you. We did not go to Russia and learn for a year or to some accredited whatever. Oh, but I could act in some ways. I could act. I've been acting at school when a principal's, said you guys buying weed over here. Oh, yeah, you know me.

You know me. If you can use an agent's credit card, you could act. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. If you're going to take my daughter out for a nice time? Yeah. Of course I am, sir. If you go walk with an Apple store and walk out of there with an iPad with Johnny Wu's credit card, that's acting.

Everything else that suck my dick. You know, Shakespeare theater and all that, you can suck my dick. Ain't nobody fucking watching you. But it's really funny how. you know, those are the style of guys I liked, Sinatra, which meant that they were going to be not bad guys on the set, but they weren't going to tolerate shit on the set. Outlaws.

Do your fucking poor takes and let's move the fuck on. Right away, everybody wants to be Johnny fucking artist with the little lens and they're seeing something. You're not seeing dick. And when we shoot the movie, they're going to show 10 seconds of this, and you spend two hours on this fucking thing, you know, difficult on the set.

That's the word I'm saying. People think they're difficult. You know what? When I did comedy for my question, originally question for you was when did it? When after the 2006, when I saw you with Josh Wolfe and when did you move to L.A. And when did this realize that you were living your dream?

Oh, man. I don't know if I. 2012, let's just give it a shot. When did you move to L.A.? Yeah, I moved to L.A. in 2005, maybe 2004. Okay, so about 2010, 11, you already had your Netflix special? Well, yeah, my Netflix vessel came out.

Actually, I think 2015. 15, okay. And that didn't do it. And that didn't what? That didn't do it. Well, it came out. Right. But you were one of the pioneers and it fell between the fucking things.

It fell between the crap. So it's really weird that you said that. And you're saying this to an audience. It fell through the whatever. Nobody really caught on to it like you expected. What caught on was when you went on Rogan and told your stories. Everything changed after that. Then you came on with me and we did that hash podcast, the mushroom podcast where you went to both places.

Oh, dude. And somebody obviously taped your sets at both places and it became like a fucking thing. and you and I spoke last week just checking in with each other. Wednesday, I go to Uncle Vinny's and as I'm coming on stage, my friends are there, I talk to them. I'm walking towards the car and some kid walks over

and he goes, how's Theo doing? And I'm like, looking at this kid. And he goes, I got to tell you, I listen to a lot of podcasts. I drive a truck and I load trucks. The one you did with Theo with the mushrooms, that's so far one of my all-time favorite podcast. And I go, I can't believe you said that to me because I'm going to have a podcast with the on next Monday.

So there you go. You're a fucking mind read. And I always felt that. I always felt that 10 years from now when they look at those podcasts, we're the cutting teeth. We're like the Lucille balls. We're like the black and white podcast. Like when you look at our podcast, it's going to be like black and white. Like we were the old school fucking no real studio, just a sheet throwing up against the wall.

And then in time we got better and better and better. And we got a studio and we put albums up and it looked like something substantial. It's just so weird to see the growth. And now I'm doing it again, the joint. And I told people from day one, I wasn't ready to do this. And because of COVID, it's tough to get guests. It's tough to trust people. It's tough to compromise other people who are in the room.

Like Mike has children and whatnot. So I wanted to do this out. my own. And then we have Zoom, you know, and once I did the podcast, I fucking hate Zoom. I fucking hate it, you know, because I think it takes away that personal touch that you and I have, it removes it. But I also feel that if you have a prior relationship with somebody, the Zoom works a lot better. I have seen that. So. Yeah, the part I miss is coming into your studio, dude, if you're already sitting down, I got to go around you to get into my seat, you know?

Right. So what I love is, bro, always kind of leaning in on your back and just put my arms on you, you know, letting you know, I'm happy to be there, you know, you let you know, I love you. You tell me you love me. And it always feels good, man. You know, that's a one little thing I miss. Bro, I, I, I, so one thing people don't know about the mushroom show is. So I rolled out of there late, bro. I was supposed to be early on that show.

And I'm freaking, I get in my car, dude, and I see all the dashboard lights. My car isn't even on yet. Like, fuck, man. I'm on some mushrooms, you know. That's when you know you're on mushrooms, dude, when the street lights are on, but they're not even on yet. You're like, damn, I'm seeing a lot of extra electricity, you know, a lot of free electricity from God. So, anyway, I get over there. I get over there and I remember walking down the hallway and shaking somebody's hand and I felt like they took my hand.

And I'm like, fuck, bro. I'm not, you know, I'm feeling pretty squirly if I feel like I shook somebody's hand and they took my hand with them when they walked off. So I said, you know, I'm having some weird feelings right now. But, um, so the set at the improv was crazy. But then I went to the comedy store. And that's, I think, when the vegetables started to rattle inside of me because I get over there and I go on stage and Adam E gets over there and he's worried about something. You know, he's just fucking Hebrew and that. out over there, you know, the fucking living legend out of me, get he's fucking concerned or

whatever, you know. And so I just tell him everything's going to be okay. Get over there. Get on stage. And some guy near the front was in a, um, what's that thing called? It's like if your handicap, but it's like a little, not like a, it's like a, it push you. It's like a, fuck. Wheelchair, like a collegiate wheelchial.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, wheelchair. Yeah, he's in a wheelchair. Yeah. wheelchair, wheelchair. So this guy's in a wheelchair and it has a little squeak on it, bro. And I'm fucking, you know, when you're on mushroom, some sounds are amplified and shit. So I'm on stage. And the wheelchair makes a little squeak. And I thought somebody was making a funny noise and making fun of me. That's where my head went. So I start, so I stopped my joke.

I said, what would you say, man? I got in this negative place and the guy's just laughing. This guy can barely, you know, the last muscle he got working is his throat muscles and he's fucking chuckling with him. You know what I'm saying? This dude's 90% to heaven. You know, this dude, he got nothing, bro. But for some reason, whenever he laughed, it made one of the like nuts or bolts in a wheelchair wasn't tight and it made it squeak. And when I heard that squeak, I thought somebody was saying something and making fun of me. So I kept stopping the show and like accusing this wheelchair guy or something and this guy could barely fucking, this guy couldn't get a mouth full of milk down if you gave him two and half hours, you know what I'm saying?

Like, and I just keep roasting this dude and ripping into them. And it was, thank God, that set isn't on recording because that shit went downhill fast. It's basically a half hour of me. Yelling at a fucking non-rescue guy, bro. It was bad, man. I fucking went to Ralphie Mae's Thanksgiving party like 2007, right before I stopped going to store. Ralphie Mae was on top of the world.

And he fucking threw a barbecue. That was tremendous. And on top of the counter before the fucking food was a bag of mushrooms, a pound of mushrooms. And only three of us ate them. Me, Ralphie and Marilyn Martinez got to rest of so late like two of them. Me and Ralphie kept eating them in between turkey bites. And she's still alive, guys.

She just tripped really hard. So that's why she's fucking. but not from the crew. Oh, my bad, but, uh, fucking, I went down the store. You know, it was Thanksgiving. I was kind of cancel. Like when you're having a good time, you're like, fuck the store at a quarter to 11. I'm not going down.

Oh, yeah. And in those days, I wasn't getting quarter to 11 spots. I was getting 1.15 spots. We did Thanksgiving. So the stars don't call in. So a guy like me gets fucking 1045. You're like fucking ready. I fucking went.

down there. And as soon as I walked in that original room, everything turned purple. All I saw was purple. And I just did as much time as I could. And I think after nine minutes, I just ran the fuck out of it. It just turned purple. Everything in the room was purple. I could hear the neon light sizzling and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Jeff's trying to play the piano and improv with me. I'm looking at him like, he's a fucking Martian from another planet. I'm like, this is too fucking much. I could deal with the edibles and shit. at this mushrooms. And then in those days,

you got to remember, there was only 18 people on a Thursday. It wasn't no 3,000 people yelling your name, clapping, blue cheese and wings, go fuck your mother. I'm up there dying, a slow death. And everybody's fucking purple. I'm like, this is not normal.

This is not going to continue. My career is not going places. I could handle the edibles up there. I could, you know what? Listen, I got into comedy, July, 16th and 91. And this weekend, St. Patty's Day,

1992, I was cute, and I went down in the headliner, had a reputation for doing Coke. So I figured I'd bring a package with me to try to be cool, so the headliner would hire me for other gigs. Dog, I started doing bumps at the headline. This guy was an animal.

He could do an ounce and fucking go talk for two hours, like nothing happened. And remember punchlines? I went up there stuttering. You should have heard me. I was like fucking spider and goodfellas. I thought that, that, that, that, that, I said never again, well, I'd do a line of Coke and get on stage.

So I learned early on not to do Coke and get on stage. I've never done lines. I'm a Coke fiend. Yeah. I had it in my pocket when I went on stage. I'm not going to lie to you. Many of that at the store. I was on pocket.

I was in on stage with a Coke pocket burning in my pocket. You could see the fucking light coming out of my pocket. pocket, but I wouldn't do it until I walked off the stage. And in those days, I used to go right down those steps, right into the original room, bathroom, do do bumps. Then I was ready to talk to people. How are you doing? All right. Yeah. Good to see. All right. Yeah, I got on stage a couple times, man, uh, on Coke. And I, it was so hard to do. No, no, it was, dude, I remember when I remember some guy in college came out with a, um, or he said he is, you know, a buddy or something.

He was Chinese. I don't know if he was Chinese, but he was, something was going on with him. And he said that they came out with like a cocaine suppository, right? This is when, you know, people were excited about cocaine and you're like, well, you know, I'll try it. However I can get it, you know. And so I remember putting one of those in my ass as a college kid, you know, and trying to do it different ways, man. I just wanted that buzz in my system, you know, and it burned the inside of my ass, I remember. And it was not, uh, it wasn't, you know, it wasn't USDA approved or whatever, you know, but, um,

but anyway, man, I remember the other worst time I ever had on cocaine outside of that Chinese time was when I was on stage at that comedy store. And that was the worst. If you were buying Coke, you wanted the Coke guy to get there after your set, bro. Because if you got there before, you got your Coke. you're like, oh, I'll save my Coke, but you can't save your Coke, bro. You know, you can tell your Coke, I'm a save you, but then your Coke's like, no, you're not. And you've got to do a little to make sure you're, to make sure you still know how to do it, you know.

So I would do a little, go on stage. And then, like, I couldn't get the timing right of the, I would be too quick on the punchline and my chest felt small. And I felt scared the whole time, bro. That's one thing I don't like about like I just wish if I was a tougher guy I could handle I think you gotta be a fuck cocaine to me it's so strong that I can't meet

it halfway sometimes you know It just it takes me over You almost got to be like fucking Rocky Marciano And meet it halfway you know Let me tell you something about cocaine The cocaine's great When you're trying to put some chick together You're trying to have a good time

You're trying to have a long conversation with yourself. But the problem with cocaine and comedy is this. I wish Pryor was alive today. So I could ask them, maybe I'm wrong. For me, when I did Coke the night after I did, let's say I did a fucking snowstorm on a Friday night. And I went on stage on Saturday. And I still had coke in my pocket. And I hadn't done it yet.

I could blow up a room. No, I'm lying to you. I can have a great. set joke wise what am i saying joke wise straight from the notebook right from my memory straight from my mouth to you set up punchline you're going to laugh it's going to detour that when you say a joke for a joke to really connect it's got a detour through your heart and through your soul the cocaine detaches that soul and heart that's why you feel mechanical yeah that's why you're you feel very mechanical, you know,

it's bad enough. You ever do three shows in the night? Oh, yeah. The old school improv, seven, nine, 11 or 12, midnight madness or whatever. But at the time you did midnight madness, you didn't even know what jokes you were saying. Yeah. Because you're like, did I say this already?

Didn't I say this already? You felt disconnected. When you got off stage, you would always say, I'm not doing that fucking midnight joke anymore, and then midnight show anymore. because it's too much on you and you're disconnected because you just did two shows and you don't know what the fuck you said on both shows, wet order.

Now the third show, you're sitting there going, I said that already. No, that was the third. No, I said that the second show. Fuck it.

I'm not doing this show no more. Well, that's the same way it was with cocaine with me. Oh, yeah. But for a joke to work, they got to feel it to your emotion. You have to become vulnerable.

It's got to go through your soul. your heart and then your mouth, your brain. When the cocaine's in there, it don't hit your soul or your heart. You just become a fucking person who writes great jokes and just says them like a computer. Yeah. That's a good. That's a great way to explain it, man. That's the way it felt for me.

That's why I used to get pissed off when people would say shit about Lawrence Taylor. Yeah, he's a great football player. He's on Coke half the time. Let me tell you something. When I went to prison, I would do a line on speed on Monday nights and play basketball. Oh, my God, I was horrible. My heart would be beating out of my chest. I couldn't focus.

So I think people were wrong about Lawrence Taylor. But years later, he did say he did it and went on the field and blah, blah, blah. So who the fuck knows? How's your like now in Nashville visiting going back and forth between California? Yeah, I mean, I came over here to spend time in Nashville because, uh, Because, you know, I'm going to say this about cocaine too, because since you were just talking about it, I just, because you had me thinking about it. That's a great way to explain it, man. Yeah, it takes away. It detaches you from like the real emotions that are connected to whatever you have going on. So if you see somebody you care about, you don't treat them the same way. Everything. No matter what, if you have a job you care about, you don't treat it the same way. Yeah, it takes your emotions off. It's like a, it's like a something that kills like glue kind of, you know. Cocaine is when you look at it from a fucking distance now for 13 years from me. No, it's great when you're fucking getting your dicks up and you're doing somersaults with

you know, when you're gambling and you're in Vegas, whatever. Yeah. When you really look at the big picture and when you figure out what you're trying to do as a human being, when you're doing cocaine, you're adding evil into your life. If you really, really, really think about it, it's a certain evil that you feel. That's why you're tormented. I'm not going to ever do that shit again.

Then you quit for a week and you start again. Now you're in that vicious cycle. And it's tormenting you. And it tormented me for years. You know, like I told somebody there, listen, I quit a thousand times. And finally one day it stuck. You know, you got to keep quitting. You got to keep quitting and telling yourself,

I'm going to fucking quit. And then three days later, Fuck, but I'm quit. I'll quit after Thanksgiving. You know what I'm saying? Then three days later, I quit after Thanksgiving. I quit after Christmas. I said it so many times that after one day it fucking stuck.

So I ended up becoming a comic and I could put my emotion into my work. And years later, I could see the differences of who I was on tape. You know, I could feel it. So. Well, I think it's so painful for some people, you know, and some of us that have had childhood trauma, emotional trauma in our life, it's painful to stay attached to the world, to have your feelings stay attached to things.

It's painful. And so I think that's probably, you know, there's some elements of cocaine when you're, you know, when you're in college and shit where it's fun, when you're in your 20s where it's just a good time. But there's also, it starts to become that thing that makes you feel detached. It makes you, you know, it kind of like,

it's like a fire extinguisher for the connection between you and things that you care about, you know, because when you have, you know, when you grow up having a lot of trauma or something, then it's scary to stay attached to things you care about because you feel like they're going to go or they're going to disappear. You don't even realize it in your head, but in your spirit, your spirit is just so scared to stay attached to things that are good. And so cocaine comes along and it fucking puts a little wedge in between there. And it's almost like a little bit of relief, you know, but, uh, but the long term,

Yeah, it's, it's rocky, man. Ever since I stopped doing Coke, I realized I love my friends more. I love my wife more. Amen. I loved my cats more. I had a cat. I had nine cats. Oh, yeah.

And I had a cat named Sissy. Like the man from St. Ives. Sissy was a beautiful fucking cat. Mm. Sissy lived in my house for five years and never would have contact with me. Oh, damn. She would come five feet of me and that was it. I stopped cocaine.

A week later, Sissy was sitting on my lap. Amen. What does that fucking tell you? And we, you know, after that, we became tight till she died two, two, three years ago. Wow.

It was just really weird. That's when I knew. I didn't know at the time when I first had her. I just thought she was skittish. My wife fed her. She liked my wife more. No, I quit doing coke. And a week later, she's sitting on my lap watching.

fucking TV. It's weird. Nashville. You like it? Yeah, one thing that's nice. Well, first of all, you know, California was so shut down. You couldn't do nothing. I mean, you come to Nashville, do whatever you want, dude. You know what I'm saying? You got people, you got incest, you got whatever you want going on over here, you know? You couldn't catch COVID if you was dating your fucking sister over here, you know? Like, they just don't have it, you know, because, you know, because it's just not as, I don't know,

that it's not as afraid over here. You know, people are just living their lives and shit's pretty normal. You got the jiu-jitsu gym is open. How's your jit-to-going? I'm so fucking proud of you. Look at you. What school are you going to?

Let's go! Which school are you going to? White belt. What is it? White belt. Oh, it's called Nashville MMA. Okay. And what's the guy's name who runs it?

The guy's name over there named Chris. The guy's name over there, Mr. Hammonds. This other guy named the Irv. This other guy named. name Etai and this other guy named Andrew. What's Chris's last name? I don't know his last name. I think he's friends with any bra where I think that's the guy, but send him my love.

How's jih Tzu working out for you? I will. So many of the guys over there ask about you, man. It's good, man. I had to fight a child the other day, which was a little bit, you know, it's a little, I'm not a, look, it's good to know you're not a pedophile, bro. That was one nice part about it. It was like, look, at no point during the thing was I like, yeah.

enjoying this. Yeah. So yeah, am I enjoy it? I was like, this is just technical. You know what I'm saying? Like I didn't feel any like,

hey, let's go another fucking, you know, put nine minutes on the clock, you know? So that was good. But it's a lot of like, um,

right now I'm still learning like a lot of like how to approach like whenever you're like approaching with somebody. It's a lot of defense, you know, but I love it, man. I love just like, I love just defending myself and it just makes me feel like,

a little less scary about conflict or not even conflict, but just interaction. Like getting too close to somebody, whether it's to fight or to love, it's always hard for me, bro. All of it scares me. Getting close to people scares me, bro. And so to have this thing that like you kind of learn to fight and the love at Jiu-Jitsu because if you find good people to roll with, then they're teaching. They're helping you learn how to fight, but they're doing it in a love.

way. And so it's like, God, bro, it's like, I didn't realize that it's exactly what I need. It's exactly what I need. It's like the opposite of cocaine, man. Did it fill that void for you that you've been missing the last few years? I think it is. I think it will. The more I can focus on it, I think it will. So I've been trying to make more time in my life to be able to focus on it and go. The hard part is I got to be flexible enough to even go to the class. I got to make sure that I'm take, you know, I'm doing a little bit of yoga two or three times a week to get in there and just not break my net, you know, not just get, you know, I got to, I got to prep myself before I go in there because a lot of the people in there is younger and there's children and they're

fighting. So it's, um, it's a learning process, man, but it's so much cooler than I ever thought and like, yeah, man, it's just fun. You get in there and everybody beats you and it's cool and, uh, you're not, you know, Yovanovna. He's just a dumb guy in the back. Yeah. That's how I used to just say, I'm not Joey. I'm just a fat fuck in the back sweating.

I'd sit all the way in the back and I do my little hip escapes and push-ups. And then sometimes I'd feel confident. I go up to line land number three. But for the most part, I'm all the way in the back. I'm the fat dummy in the back, sweating, smelling like onions and fucking garlic feet and shit and toenail polish. They got me fighting up. blind guy too. They got a blind guy over there. This guy's probably

He's probably deadly. You're like, Jesus fucking, if you weren't blind, that fucking take your eye out already, you got me in an arm bar and you're fucking blind. No fucking touching when you wrestle him. He's got to have little dots on his thing. Then you're working with him and you're like, you're the motherfucker

that makes the governor stand next to him. He's probably the guy that stands next to the governor giving out fucking sign language. Let me tell you something. If I see one more sign language, guy everybody's got a fucking sign language assistant oh it's crazy all those mayors got where's the bodyguard no they got some guy teaching your fucking line to you by the hands you're gonna get your vaccine by tuesday no you're not you gotta do this shit it's bullshit that's what

that's what that bullshit is that's the bad one bro creed rocky that's why you got to watch the rocky series i'll learn how to speak deaf people language fucking and sometimes it's not even it's not even a, it's not even a deaf bird. Sometimes this is a third base coach that fucking used to coach in Toronto, you know? He's over to fucking give it signals. I used to go to Alberta cranes. And they used to put me against two people.

A 74 year old guy that, by the way, would fuck me up. His name is the Savage. Go on YouTube and type in Savage BJJ. He's 74 years old. Don't type in Savage BJ, though. Savage BJ. You might get somebody else.

I'm saying. So you would fight this guy? No name. 74 years old. He would get there at 8.30 in the morning with a cooler. Listen to me. Not that fucking construction cooler. I'm talking about a cooler filled with liquids and protein powders and carrot juice and

carolabiscuit and menthol. 9 o'clock he does the fucking kettlebell class. 10 o'clock he does the nogee class. 11 o'clock he wrestles with the dummy by himself. at 12 o'clock he would do the fucking G-class and the utmost respect for him the guy would stay there eat a banana yogurt almonds

he would do four classes 74 years old and he would barram bole you to death he would fucking one time he had my toe because he's 74 so he goes to the simple things you know what I'm saying you're not going to grab your fucking arm you're going to pull him he'll do like

a toe thing one time got me in the fungi toe hole. That's an old Brazilian fucking toehold. If you got toe jam. This motherfucker was killing me. And then there was a chick, like a brown belt that she was 50. I was probably 52 at the time, 53. She was 56.

I think I used to time it. Like today, if I could last a minute with her, I did good. Yeah. She was heavyset. She would fuck me up. And then she would need a belly me. Oh, she would stick her knee in my belly, my dick would pop up like a fucking, like, like, that's how deep she would fucking just, it would press something, like liver. There's a button in your stomach, but if you're pressing, your dick gets hard.

I mean, you learn so many things, but you learn that you learn technique. Oh, yeah. It's your comedy, when you get back on stage after a while, it's going to go back to a level. It's never been because you're going to learn that in Jiu-Jitsu, no matter what he does, you got to keep retrieving your guard, right? You got to keep putting them back in your guard. Then you could start operating again. You go for the arm.

You go for the fucking Camorra. You can do all that shit. But the same thing with comedy. When I would find myself lost on comedy, I would take a couple breaths and I would find my home again, which is the closed guard. and then I would attack from now. Let me get this on, let me pull,

so he thinks I'm pulling, but I'm really going to get him with a scissors sweep. It's very interesting. I'm very happy you got into it, brother. And, you know, it's crazy because for four years, you and I have been having discussions that something was missing from our lives. We had comedy, we had podcasts, we had everything we wanted.

That's why I tell people, be careful what you want for, because it might just happen, you know, and we got what we want. wanted, but there was always something missing. And you and I had this discussion last Saturday on the phone. For you, it was the burnout process. Yeah. You were burnt out.

And now in hindsight, I don't want to say it because my persona is to be a fucking, you know, hold on. I was also burnt out. But I wasn't burnt out on the standup comedy. I was burnt out on the business side. I was burnt out on the, the numbers. the fucking theaters and what the theaters are charging you. And it never ended.

It never ended. It never fucking ended. So it took away that love that you have for stand up, like that natural fucking love. Everything was based on money. You know, I wanna go, I wanna be able to go to the pizza parlor down the corner and sign up for the open mic and be number eight and get off.

Yeah. When I'm able to do that, that's when I go back on the road for fucking comedy. when I can go to an open mic do it not for money it got to be for money and I didn't like it for money anymore I want to fall in love with it because I'm in love

with it not because you're paying me a certain amount of fucking money I don't I want to do anything in my life for that once you get over a certain age you realize it's not the money it's what makes you happy and what keeps you happy while you're doing

yeah no look I think uh and I think that's one thing, Joe, that during this whole disease or whatever that people have realized a little bit, like, what am I doing on this, on this Ferris wheel, and this money go around? Like, who am I trying to, like, I'm not doing it. I'm just working for somebody doing this for there. There's no, like, where is my reward as a human? Where is my value as a person? Like, what is this rat race? You know, like, I think a lot of us are like, you know, I don't. have to do all of this i can slow my life down i could tell people know and enjoy my life with my

children or my family or you know we don't have to you know we got you got everybody in the world thinking that they can buy a yacht one day or something watching all this gary varnier check online and shit all this bullshit you know you could have a fucking uh monte carlo you know like bitch you probably can't you know you might be in a fucking forward escort the rest of your life but it's about the other side of the coin is just enjoying the time you know in the Ford escort, you know, like, why am I on somebody else's schedule all the time, you know, like we got, I think hopefully we turn in a little bit more like Spain, you know, they take a break after lunch, you know.

That's good, you know, it's weird that I also got sick of the making plans to do comedy and then something pops up socially that you would really like to do. Yeah. You know, like you would really like to do that socially, fuck it. And you can't because you have a date and fuck it. in Des Moines and you don't want to disappoint them and you don't want to cancel nobody but the good thing is brother with three-quarters past this pandemic we all made our decisions on where we're going to end up and what we want to do you obviously did which makes me fucking happy by talking to you I obviously did I'm going to finish my shows at Vinnie's and I'm taking the fucking summer off to the sopranos comes back the movie gets released of many saints in Newark and then we're a valid wait and take it from there. But I'd also love for you to stay in touch with me and let me come on your podcast.

Yeah, I'd love that. We could talk about I see Mike and finish up today. I know your producer had plans and you've got plans. It was just a Saturday afternoon check up with you, brother, you know, to let you know, I love you. Uh, we, we made history at the comedy store. Damn. You know, we made history on the podcast with fucking eating the mushrooms.

you weren't even there. The next night was the night, Rainin Bazia was on. And we ate the mushrooms again. Lee and Dean were walking out. Fucking Lee just barfed all over his shirt. Thank God, we had extra shirts. He kept telling me he was like,

he would be okay. And I'm like, you're okay, Lee? And he would look at me and go, don't take me to the hospital. I think I'm going to take it to the hospital. It's going to be all right. Don't worry, Lee. We'd be lucky if we get you a fucking hot towel,

brother. No, hospitals. We gave him a different shirt. we threw his puky shirt away. And that was the video from Lee from Out of Space. That was the night. That was happening way before that. What nights are you going down to Zanis?

I got a show there, I think, on the 23rd or 25th. I've been taking it real easy, man, you know. And if I'm back in L.A., I'll do a night or two over there. Mark Seratella has a show. Mark Hayes, Irish Mark, that guy was- Send him my love. He took good care of me. He was always straight with me on the show.

shows and oh yeah he proved to be a gentleman that fucking dude so yeah agree man i'm here tell us a jeep but so is marquay's man good good guys uh but man i love you man i appreciate you always checking in with me man i'd love to have you on the podcast soon and and yeah it's like i'm just yeah man i didn't realize how much i needed just this conversation i told you that i've been telling all these older cats that we talk all the time on the phone and listen i'm gonna give you a call in next couple weeks we want to do a face-to-face just to see each other just to remind ourselves of what we went through and that we're going to be all right. Everybody's going to be all right.

The people that watch us, everybody, I wish us all. But thank you. Thank you to your. What's the story? What I see? Mike, you call them lately? Oh, I haven't seen him. I haven't been back to the neighborhood in a while, dude.

They had a flood in our area. So I'm sure he's probably doing well, dude. You know what I'm saying? If he's collecting rare water. Because I know I donated to some of these go fund me from that area. When it happened about two months ago, somebody reached out and said, can you bring it up on the podcast and I forgot? So I just threw something and it go fund me from. I don't know.

Oh, that might have been Houston. Maybe I don't know. It was like the city of or something like that. It's all good, man. Dustin Porriy ain't doing the diamond, baby. I know. How exciting for him. So now you can train a little jiu jitua by you.

When you go home, go by Dustin's and he'll clean it up for you. Well, he told me he'll fight me in a ghee one day if ever, if I get a little bit better, you know? And guys like Dustin, oh my God, you go three minutes a time and it's a fucking year education. Oh, I can't even. Oh, I could imagine, bro. They got shortcuts. They got everything. They do, you know what I'm saying? It's like, it's like an open micer and then there's us. We've been doing it for 20 years. We got shortcuts. We got ways to teach you with him. He's going to just as you roll along, he's going to be saying, put your hand here. Watch, pull this in a little bit. Oh, fuck. I never even saw that. And then he opens up avenues for you that you don't see. But that's why I like jiu-jitsu, because it's opened up so many avenues in your head that it opens up avenues when you're riding when you're on stage.

So that's great that you have him. I can't wait to see you rolling with Dustin and shit. Yeah, maybe one day, man. Dude, I can't believe it took me so long to get into jiu-jitsu. I didn't realize it was like just, it's not even about becoming like a great fight or anything. It's just about just being with yourself. just being with yourself. I just picked up the guitar.

I took my first two guitar lessons last week. Oh. So look out for Conway Diddy, Uncle Joey. Oh, boy. Pretty soon and shit. Don't get me stuck me. I'm sorry. I am the most scared I've ever been.

If you thought I was scared before I took the pain pills, you were more scared now. Because playing the guitar is an addiction that I knew was going to feed. Like last night, I went in there in the afternoon and played. And last night, I went back in that 12th night. I got to knock this off. Yeah. But you know what?

If it fucking makes you happy, it can't be that bad. Cheryl Crow, 1999, you know what I'm saying? Robert Plant, bro. You bet you'll the fuck to keep me posted. It's not everything,

and I'm happy you made the same decision I did that. We would just burnt out. Yeah. We did a fucking job. You know, these fucking guns and roads. roses, they go on tour for a hard year. And then they disappear for a year.

David Lee Roth, when he was at Van Hanlon, with just a fucking peer, no phone. You couldn't even get a hold of them. Hey, what do you think about this lyric? The number you call has been disconnected. That's what I think about that fucking lyric. Go fuck yourself. I'm up here in the Himalayan's right off condoms and shit.

I love you, buddy. Thank you for much. Have a great week. Thank you for coming on the joint. Stay black. Okay. Oh, what did you think? A little chat with our buddy,

nice and easy on a Monday morning. What the fuck did you get to lose? Nothing. You learned about us. We giggled a little bit. We laughed a little bit. And that's what Mondays are all about, setting up the rest of the week with a positive tone

and fucking making it work. That's it. That's why I come here, man. I love doing this shit for you guys. I love doing this. I'd rather do this right now and do anything else in the world. Look at the first episode of this

and look at the first episode of this. and look where we are now. We've grown. And if you've been playing attention, we've grown together. And that's the most important thing I want out of this podcast. I'm not looking for laughs anymore.

I'm not reaching for the fucking stars. I'm looking a lot better. I'm healthier. I'm recovering from a surgery. And I'm just being a fucking dad. I hope you like what we're doing now what we're trying to accomplish here. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart.

Wednesday night. I'll be at Vinnie's the next three Wednesday nights. And that's it and that's that. I hope you enjoyed the Theo Vaughan segment. And I hope you enjoy what we're trying to do here. And I hope you're seeing the growth, guys. I love you, motherfuckers. And now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors, stay black.

Love you. All right, you bad motherfuckers. A nice little Monday morning. Chit chat with Cleo. Like I said, these things that I'm doing with these comics that I haven't seen for a long time, Even they say it. It's great to see each other because it's been nothing but phone calls. And we'd have to resume to Zoom anyway.

So it's been great. I feel better about my Monday. And I hope you're fucking all fired up about your fucking Monday. It's going to be a great week. St. Patty's Day. Be careful with your beers. You don't want to get dosed and end up getting fucked in the ass next to some guy with COVID in the hotel room, in the hospital room.

You know what I'm saying? So be careful with St. Patty's Day. But enjoy yourself. But before that, let me talk to you about something. The joint is brought to you by Manscaped. Like I said in the beginning, it's tournament season. You're right. You want balls are going to be everywhere you look right now.

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bestie. Well, Joey, I don't know. The guy at the fucking gas station told me that, listen, he works at a gas station for a fucking reason, all right? He can't even change a flat. I'm telling you right now, I just got fucking clamps moved out of my knees. And I'm telling you, I've been with CBD line before the surgery, and they were great. After the surgery, that's when I really found out the power of CBD line and what they have to offer. Do me a favor. Go to CBDLine.com right now.

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Have a great week. Stay black and tell him Uncle Joey sent you. They're not gonna do nothing to you. They're gonna have to suck your dick, so who gives a fuck? Stay black, I love you.