The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #049 - GREG FITZSIMMONS - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Monday, March 22nd..... Today, we zoom with our friend Greg Fitzsimmons..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, CBD Lion & BlueChew.com...... Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and enter Code: JOEY or CHURCH Go to https://www.BlueChew.com and enter Code: JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #GregFitzsimmons Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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I want to thank CBD Lion and Draft Kings. Let's get this motherfucking party started. It's Monday, cocksuckers. I'm gonna burn my fucking fingers here. There you go. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday. The 22nd.

I don't know what the fuck it is, the 21st. All I know is spring is finally fucking here. I got over my first winter in New Jersey. I'm not going fucking anyway. It wasn't one of the mildest winners I have ever experienced. I mean, knock on wood, it ain't over yet, but it was supposed to snow Friday. And it didn't.

I'm fucking happy about it. We had a great weekend Friday night. I mean, listen, man, it's been a whole different life, like I told you guys, and I've been to Jersey. I got a social life again. I'm doing shit I haven't done in fucking 30 fucking goddamn years, and it feels great, man. What did I do this weekend?

Let me see. Friday night, I went to my friends. I mean, I know her since I was. Do you guys remember when I told you I hit on a milf when I was 14? Like 15, I fucking hit in the bushes, and I was gonna tackle her in the park and all this. It was her birthday. Like, she's like 70 now. And she's tight with my daughter.

Out of all people, my daughter loves this woman. Because remember, she was my friend's mother-in-law. So now I hang out with my friend. You know, he's 60 now. I'm 58. And he has his mother-in-law living with him, the hot one. And I told him that I hit on her and I was going to tackle her and fucking suck a titty. and shit. And now

she's like 78 and hey, how fucking crazy is that? That my daughter and her get along great. Her name is Faye and my daughter is eight and my daughter goes down there and she plays with the dogs and then she disappears and her and Faye go in the living

room and they watch the Disney Channel and my daughter explains everything to Faye like Faye this is this, this is that and I'll just sit there with my wife and just touch my wife or Bobby Bender I'll touch him and I'll go listen to these fucking two in the back. They're just, it's like two peas in the pod.

It's fucking tremendous. But that's the only thing she's got as a grandmother here. So it's kind of nice to see when they fucking get together. Saturday we had the date night. You know, we, uh, oh, we went out.

We fucking, because she's playing softball now. This is my new life now. Today starts softball and she's on a fucking traveling team, guys. So I'm part of the fucking, travel fucking combination now, which I'm excited about. Listen, I moved here for that, for her to experience a different life

and different things. And it's working. It's working. My knee is three-quarter there. You know what I'm saying? I think they'll release me from PT in about two weeks from physical therapy. So thank you for all the well wishes

and the fucking get well, Joey. Trust me, I had a couple of rough fucking nights there, but I'm happy I did it now. now in hindsight i'm happy i did it it's like if you think of doing it always remember that you know just keep putting the work in and every four or five days i see a little something i see a little bit more improvement more uh april 8th will be three months so i'm at the two and a half month mark so uh you know i'm i'm good man but i wouldn't have done it without you guys cbd lion you know mike helped me my wife thank you guys for all the fucking support and whatnot and there was

something else I want to tell you before we cracked into what we're doing, but not really. I'll tell you what we got today. I'm doing, like I told you guys, Wednesdays is me and you guys having a chit-chat. Monday, this is a Zoom meeting just to venture out and let this podcast grow a little bit and let it become what it's going to become. But right now, I want to bring you one of my fucking best buddies. I missed them so much. I had to call them up.

One of the funniest podcasts I ever did was with them. We have great chemistry together So he's the guest on the show this week I hope you enjoy this Who's the fucking guest Mr. Greg Fitzsimmons Fuck with your cock suckers Enjoy Greg

I'll see you afterward What's up kid? Well Just chilling in my office You know My little home away from home I got this Have you ever been in this office?

Probably not Never never Five minutes from my house I got a fucking lazy boy Flat screen Tee TV, coffee maker. That's all I need. That's what I'm going to get soon.

Pretty soon I'm going to get one of those up north in North Bergen and Corkas. Nice little office again. Put some pictures up, you know, the whole fucking deal. Yeah, right. It's a place to, it's a place to masturbate, but you also do podcasts there. There's lots of options. I did a lot of things in that office. I never masturbated in that fucking office.

Shut up. Are you serious? I swear to God. No, that's disgusting. I always feel like there's cameras on me. You know what I'm saying? Like in a hotel room, you don't want to jerk off. I don't trust nobody.

Vegas, you don't do nothing. You got to fucking cover the shower in Vegas because you know they're watching you in Vegas. Oh, fuck you. I would smoke in closets in Vegas. Did you know that? I used to smoke in a closet because they're watching you. You have to assume they're watching you in Las Vegas. Dude, when I was in Vegas one time, I was hosting the Porn Awards.

It was the 25th anniversary of the Porn Awards. and we're at the Venetian hotel and the tabletops it's on showtime there's 7,000 coked up porn horrors out there and they got instead of flowers at the table center they got a basket with fleshlights

and dildas so me and my buddies are there of course every fucking guy I've ever met's like hey man I'm coming out I'm coming out so I rented a house I rented a house with five rooms in it and we fucking pack people in we all grab the fleshlights we go out to the strip

clubs. I'm the host, so they give me the fucking VIP table. We're hanging out with Jenna James and Tita Ortiz and everybody. So then I go back to my room and I got a flashlight. And here's the thing about a flashlight. You laugh about it. But then when you're alone in a hotel room with it, it starts looking at you. It's like, you're going to fuck me. And you're like, I'm not going to fuck you. 20 minutes later, I got my dick in the fleshlight. I'm jerking off into it. I finish. And now it's the next morning. And I'm, and I'm, and I'm, and I'm, And I'm packing a leave and I'm like, all right, what am I going to do here? I got a dirty fleshlight.

Do I put it in my bag and take it home? Fuck, no, it's got jizz in it. Do I throw it in the trash can? I don't want to horrify some made. So what do I do? I slide it into the pocket of the bathrobe in the closet. Perfect. Perfect.

Perfect. Some poor bastard to go in there with his jizz hand and get all fucked up. Let me tell you. When those flashlights came out, Like 2010, when the Mrogan was really pushing him. Yeah. A friend of mine actually got one. I went to his house and he's like, look, look what I got.

I got that. I'm like, he goes, you don't have one? Listen, I've done some disgusting fucking things. I have jerked off on the street in a car. I laid down and like whack off on Coke, that type of shit. But I got to be honest with you, I think if I fuck, there's things that you do and you feel terrible about afterward. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, my shame was pretty high. I couldn't look somebody in the eye if I fucked the flashlight. And then had to look at my jizzy cocaine come in the fucking thing. Water hits in. It's going to be like fucking chicken soup. You can see it all slick on the type like Galveston, like fucking, you know. There's just some things that you do. It's like the first time.

I, you know, I fucking hate hand jobs. Really? I was in Michigan, 1995. my shoulders bother me. I'm naive. And the Michigan is the state of the hand job. It's shaped like a fucking hand. I was naive to fucking these pulled places, you know.

And I saw a massage and I actually pulled over. And I went in and the Chinese girl that greeted me or the Asian woman that greeted me was fucking hotter than fuck. I had no, you know, misconceptive. I didn't have, I, that was paid $4.50 for the week. then. Yeah, right. I was a feature act. $450 and $200 was already gone. It's going to cost me a hundred

in gas to get home. There was no I didn't go in there to fuck nobody. I just went in to get like a $30, $40 massage. Yeah. Lady tells me to strip down. Right away, I know there's a problem. Listen, you're not rubbing my hips. Yeah. You're just rubbing my shoulders. What's the, strip down? She came in.

And then they played the switch and bait. You know, when I got there, it was whatever her name was. It was Ali Wong when I got there, you know, it was a girl like as beautiful as Ali Wong is what I'm trying to say. She was beautiful like Ali Wong. Right. But then they said like her grandmother and dressed in like fucking drag. She had to be 80 years old.

Yeah. And she rubbed my shoulder, but like two minutes in. Not even two minutes and she's like $40. And I was so fucking embarrassed and so humiliated. I didn't get the hand job. Yeah. Didn't get the hand job. But I always thought about how you would.

feel. Yeah. Just a hand job and you go home. Yeah, but the old lady hands. Here's the thing about the old lady hands. You ever touch the skin on the hands of an old person? Not really.

It's like a baby lamb. It's soft. Yeah, like my fingers, but I still don't want my hands on my dick. It's disgusting. Like, it's just disgusting. There's just some things that you do and you feel so

fucking disgusting afterward, especially when it comes to sex, like getting a blow job from an awkward chick on the road on one of those triple runs. like the potato run one or two, you know. Yeah. And you don't even get the belt off. She just jams it down your fucking pants.

Just things that are just so disgusting. I remember one night just talking with Lee. We were coming back from a gig. And I was telling them about beginning comedy, those first couple road gigs, what you bump into and what you learn. And it's just disgusting. It's just fucking disgusting.

Yeah, that's one thing I missed out on because I've been married for so many years and I never fucked around on the road as I never dealt with any of that fucking shame. For me, it was always just like I go out on the road to work. I don't come back with the Bobby Lee stories and the Joey Diaz stories.

Listen, you got to remember from, you know, 91 to 2000, there were the craziness drugs, sex stories, fingering a girl on the dance floor in Idaho Falls and she had a yeast infection. My hand smelled like yogurt. I mean, I got a thousand of those.

I got a thousand of those. Old Greek yogurt. Then after 2000, when I hooked up with Terry, I was like, you know what? I can't disrespect around the road, but I could still do drugs and all that shit. Yeah. And the drugs, I did things on drugs that were so fucking embarrassing. Like, you know, jerking off, waiting for the dealer. You know, you jerk off in between.

I remember one weekend freezing. Kelly LeBrock. movie the woman in red there's a scene when jean wilder beeps the horn and she gets out of the bed and they show her bush and i remember freezing it just at that rank like that just and just sitting there and trying to jerk off you're coked up dick and your dick is an inch big and you're trying to jerk it off and you're fucking tarant telling it you're doing this to it you're doing the cappuccino it's just you know i think of all those things now and i'm like i'm gonna push that out of my mind because nobody needs to know about that disgust those type of things i'm

I did, like that, that type of stuff, was just enough for me. And the flashlight, there was no way I was going to fuck a flashlight. You know why? Because I know. Yeah. I'm going to know. You know, I'm going to know. That's all that needs.

It doesn't matter. Nobody needs to know. But I'm going to fucking know that I fuck the flashlight. Right. And then I'm going to go to church one day because I usually don't go to church. But when I do, I look at the 12 stations of the cross. And I think about all the creepy shit I did Irish. You know what I'm saying?

As Catholics, we get beat up by our own fucking guilt. Oh, yeah. And that's when you think about. about when you see Jesus getting beat up, next thing you know, I see myself jerking off the flashlight. And I feel depressed. I don't eat the cookie. Now I feel like a real fucking sinner.

So the psychological effects of Catholicism fucking stop me from being a fucking animal all the way. If you can't eat the cookie, man, it's all about the cookie. You got to stay clean. You got to pray. You got to show up on time. Otherwise, you don't get that cookie. It was so weird how when I was doing all my craziness,

like I was a sinner. I'm still a sinner. but I forgave some sins and some sins were okay. Like I was such a hypocrite about sins, you know. I was okay about doing drugs. I was okay about fucking stealing, you know, like it was okay. There was so many things, but like, you know, cheating on your girlfriend ain't all right.

Right. Like I had so many different, I was so contradicted by the fucking drugs, you know. But one thing I wanted to tell you. Well, look, I mean, what is a, you know, a moral person, a truly moral person, comes up. with the things they believe in and that they'll live by and that's their credo and they stick to those. If you're somebody that just goes, oh, you're showing me the 10 rules and I'm going to follow them, what does that show me? That shows me that you're obedient. It shows me that you're docile.

That doesn't show me that you're actively figuring out what your relationship to the universe is and what you think is right and wrong. You come up with your own Ten Commandments. It's, uh, no, it wasn't right. You know, when I was doing drugs, like I think of little things, Like, I think about robbing a cookie place. You know, one of those little huts that you see? Yeah. Like, I was that sick. Yeah.

Like, I was walking the streets one night. And I saw the cookie shop and the windows were open. I'm like, I got to go in there and going in there and getting $38 and walking home and, like, what is wrong with you? Wait, you walked into the shop and stole it while they were open? No, no, no, no, no. It was closed. I was going for a walk. I was walking home.

Yeah. And I saw this cookie place. I'm not going to say where because it's embarrassing. It's a little town, and it's got like a little mall, you know, on the street. And this was part of the mall. It was standing in the house. Yeah, like a kiosk. Right.

And I saw that whoever ran the cookie shop left the windows open, like with a screen. Like, it's just a screen. Yeah. And I just popped the window and went in there. And I remember like stealing the register. It was like $38. Yeah. It was like $38 fucking dollars.

And I stole a couple cookies. And on the walk home, I'm like, what? And here's a crazy thing. I had 10 grand in the bank. You know what I'm saying? Like, why would I rob $38? Like, I did shit like that. That's still till today, like I go,

Jesus Christ, what type of low life was I? I didn't know because cocaine would tell you there's cocaine in that house. Like, I would drive by a house and go, I don't know. I think they got like 20 keys in there. And then I would bust in it. It was like an old person's home. They had the garage filled with newspapers. There were orders or something like that.

I'm like, there's no coke in here. And I would take something just to make it be. worthwhile. And you come to drive home, you're like, this is so embarrassing. It's like stealing a car. Like, I never robbed the car in my life because you're in the fucking thing. Once they pull you over, there's no getting out of it. Yeah. Oh, I got into the wrong car. No, there's no getting out of it. I never stole a car stereo. Like, I never broke a window. My neighbor, I lived, when I grew up, I lived on top of the hill. And I had a neighbor. Terence Mahoney, he lived in my backyard. His parents were Eucharistic ministers, super Catholic.

And they were, you know, they had like 11 kids. And one of the kids, Terrence, had a little bicycle. And I'd be late, I'd be late going to school in the morning. And I'd go in the garage, I'd grab Terrence's bicycle. And I'd go flying down the hill. And I'd get to the bottom of the hill. I'd throw it in the bushes. And then they had a police blotter in the local paper.

And it used to say, Terrence Mahoney, 34 Suncliffe Drive, had his bicycle stolen again. yesterday and they'd take it up to hill they give it back to Terrence I get up in the morning I go in the garage I take it I go down the hill again low level crime that's not like stealing 20 kilos of coke from a guy's house no that was that was my petty crime I never found like the other night were watching the show on crack my wife she was a show on Netflix about drugs in the 80s oh yeah I saw that right and she put it on and I'm sitting here watching it and I looked at her and I go I got to tell you something.

This is all I'll tell you. I'm very happy that my friend is dead and that my secrets went with him to the grave from this time. Like from 80 to 85 and even 93, I did a couple things with them that were fucking creepy, like drug things. You know, no, no, nothing. Like, we weren't into that craziness. These were just ripping off drug dealers that were just, it was just creepiness. But it was part of the game. In 93, when I did it, like I got, you know, before 87, 88, I was a fucking savage.

I got locked up. And when I came out, I said, I'm going to stay under a certain radar. I'm still going to be a savage. I know how to sling code correctly. You know, I know I'm not going to sell to a cop. There were things I was going to do, and there were things I weren't going to do. I was never going to kidnap somebody again. That was a big fucking mistake.

Live and learn, right? But, yeah, but I was still going to do drug rips if the opportunity to present itself. If I see some guy that's getting into the business and he's not prepared, boom, you hit these weak, you know, and that's what they were talking about. They were talking about weaknesses that it got to the point in New York where drug dealers wouldn't even smile. You couldn't even laugh at a joke because other drug dealers saw you that as a weakness.

And that's what I did. I looked for weaknesses. You know, these new guys would get into it. They buy an ounce. They'd make $2,000. And then they'd give me a pound. And you sell them a pound and you just rob them back, the fucking pound. I mean, it was creepy shit.

but there was some really, really creepy outlandish shit that he took to the grave with him. I bumped into him in 99 and we had a talk at a coffee shop. He was one of my brothers growing up. But he was very violent. He didn't give a fuck. And, you know, there was things that happened that I'm not proud of, but I'm happy he took those secrets to the grave with him. Nobody else found out. Yeah.

I'll be telling you my one experience selling drugs when I was in high school, I used to sell mescaline. Me too. Purple mescaline for this kid named Andre. I'm not going to say his last name. Although I'm pretty sure he's in jail for life. And this kid was, he was the blackest human being I've ever seen in my life. I mean, it was like...

He was African American? He was African American. He was, and he was tough. And he had cousins in town and, like, you didn't fuck with them. You didn't fuck with these cousins. They were, they, they kind of like, you know, we had projects downtown and they kind of like ran them. And so I start selling mescaline for him because then I would, I'd sell it to all the white kids. They're all going to Grateful Dead concerts and going to the park and, you know, on a Saturday.

So I come home one day and it's a Saturday afternoon and I walk in the house and I look in my living room and my mom is sitting at the dining room table having tea with Andre Green. I just said his last name. So I walk in and I'm like, what? I'm fucking like, my eyes are what? I'm like, what is going on here? And there's a killer sitting at the table with my mom drinking tea. And so she went inside. He goes, hey, man, you got my money?

I go, dude, I told you I pay you on Tuesday. What are you doing to my house? Well, I need the money kind of early. I go, I go, here's the money. We're done. My days of slinging mescaline are over. That was it. That was it.

I don't need Andre Green coming to my house. You know, Andre coming to your house? Yeah. I stopped selling masculine because I graduated to cocaine. Yeah, like Quailudes and cocaine. A lot of money in mesculent, 80 cents apiece. My mother still says to me sometimes. My mom says, what happened to that nice boy, Andre?

Where's Andre? He's doing 20 to life, Ma. I'm not sure. I haven't checked in with him. I was like Andre growing up. Like when I went to kids' houses, they were like, there he is. to fucking kiss a debt. I wonder what he's going to get my son involved.

You know, there's a kid I hang out with now still. Yeah. That he got arrested years ago. He got arrested about 15 years ago. It was an ugly type of arrest. And his mother blames me until this day, which is true. I'm the one that did coke with him the first time. We did coke together.

He was a genius, but he continued to go and he fucked himself up. I'm still tight with him. I talked to him yesterday. I talked to him Tuesday. But I feel guilty about him because he was destined to be a fucking star, like an engineer. He went to MIT. No shit. Yeah.

And he just fell off to the wayside. And, you know, I help him now. So it sounds like he, so he was doing Coke at a young age, but he kept it together enough to get into MIT and graduate? He was one of those people that I was jealous of growing up because we took the same classes and I had to work really hard to get a fuck. and B. And he would just show up and get an A. If you put effort in, he got an A plus, which is how he got into MIT. And I asked him once, how are you so smart? Give me the secret. And he goes, listen, take notes, and review all your information every night. He goes, that's what I do. I review it, I review it, I review it. So when the finals come, I know it, in and out. He goes, so just do work on it for an hour.

hour every night and it was so weird that I started doing what he was doing and my grades went up. I ended up quitting high school because I was a fucking loser, not because I was stupid. I love that you're sharing this like groundbreaking underground secret of how to do well in school. You listen and you study. He was like broken down for me. I had no idea. Like I was doing all this reading and all this extra shit to try to be smart. And he just cut it down for me.

He's like, keep your eyes on her. Yeah. Listen to what she's saying and just take certain notes. Yeah, because the thing is teachers write the tests. Right. So they're writing down what they told you. Right. If you read the book, you're reading a bunch of extraneous information that that teacher's not going to include.

That that teacher is not going to include. So he taught me how to narrow it down. So I went from sitting to doing homework and study hall for 45 minutes to 15 minutes. Yeah. And I was getting like bees. You know, I was in a genius like him. Yeah. You know, I mean, he was taking like Trigg, his sophomore year, that type of shit, you know.

Right. And he got into MIT. We tried Coke maybe three weeks before my mother died in 79, like October of 79. And somebody had given it to me, and I was holding on to it for months. I'm like, I'm never going to do this. I would sell it from time to time. Like, somebody would give it to me, and I would sell it. I would get my hands on it and sell it.

But I would never do it. I swore I would never do it. And one day I'd go, let me bring it. bring it with me, just in case somebody wants to do it. We robbed a beer truck, we ended up at his house. And I told him, like, you want to go upstairs? There was like 10 of us. I'm like, you want to go upstairs and do a line of Coke.

That's the first time ever. So we were scared at first. We were little pussies. We made vodka with a, not gin, peppermint chnaps. Oh, yeah. And we grind it down the ice cubes. You called them snowball, so we sprinkled cocaine on top. Nice.

And we drank them first. I'm like, you feel anything? No, do you feel anything? Nah. You sure, no? And we finally, like, took a little bit and put it on our gums. And, yeah, I can feel the numbness. And, like, well, let's go for it.

Let's just snort it. And we snorted, like, three lines. And then went back downstairs. And everybody was asking us, why are you guys acting weird? And we're like, nothing. We're not doing nothing. Another time, he had a wrestling, he had a wrestling finals. He was, like, in the state semifinals.

Of course, a genius and a varsity athlete. And a wrestler. He was a fucking wrestler. And sure enough. I get him a line of THC, aka Angel Dust. He's wrestling with the guy, and he ended up biting him. And that night he calls me, he's like, you motherfucker, I fucking bit the guy.

In my head it was a street fight. So I bit him and I got this qualified because of you. You know how you passed it? You know how you pass fucking your papers up? Like when the teacher goes past your test up, he sat in the end row of my row. I was in the front. So when I would get his answers, I'd erase his answers and shit.

And he'd come back to me, how did I get up 72? I don't understand. I wrote that answer down. Somebody erased it. You were the reverse curve. Oh, my God. I used to fuck with him constantly. That's great.

He asked to move to a different row. I mean, it was just, and we're still tight now. I talked to him every other day, basically. And one day last week, when we, when, we, when, I switched over. I called them up and I do Patreon. And I was going to ask him to help me with the Patreon. I go, do you want to help me with the Patreon?

But I know that he's Ubats. You know what I'm saying? Like he's selling Coke for this one. He's making drug deals. He showed up here a week ago with a case full of sneakers. I mean, it's fucking hilarious. He just called me out of the balloon. He's like, I got a present for you.

Because he sounds like Lee. That's why I loved Lee for all those years because he reminds me of this guy. Right. And I think it was either. Sunday or Saturday, he called me and he's like, I'm in the area. Did you mind if I stop by? I got a present for you. And I'm like, I'll meet you outside. You can't come in. My wife, the COVID, he pulled up with a mask on.

You know, the last guy I expected with a mask on. He just got his teeth in. He got new teeth. Uh-huh. I helped him out with the teeth. Yeah. And he brought me something like, he brought me a pineapple. Like, this is no shit.

He brought me a pineapple. Like, he brings me like the most. craziest shit, you know? A case of sneakers, a pineapple? Sneakers that didn't fit for my daughter, that they fit my daughter, she's like, who gave him to me? You're Uncle Jimmy? And then she goes, where is he? I want to meet him. I go, he don't, Jimmy don't play that shit. You know what I'm saying?

Jimmy don't want to come in. Jimmy's like, just take him. He showed up like with the weirdest stuff. And then he showed me, he goes, look what I got. And he showed me like a vial of Coke. He goes, I'm making a delivery. I just came by to tell you, I love you. give you some fruit, apples, he brought some tangerines, you know, and stolen sneakers. I mean, tremendous. Where else do you have friends like that? This is why I moved back to you.

That's why you got to get back to Jersey, man. I called him. He called me the ad day. He goes, I need a favor. Can you throw me some dough? I'm going to get, I sent it to him, and he sent me the dough back yesterday. And I called him back last night, and I go, let me tell you something. It has been an honor to have you in my life.

I just want you to know that. You are one of the reasons. I move back here because you put so much pleasure. He's always come through. He's always one of those kids that when I was a kid and I was in a mess, if I was in a hotel room way from the night before, and the Hindu was calling me, we need the $44 for the next night.

And I wouldn't have it. I'd have to call him. And he wouldn't just bring me $44. He'd bring me two chicken cutlets, a valium, two joints, a little bit of coke, a pineapple. You know what I'm saying? Like, it was always a bag. I brought you, my mom made roast beef.

Like, he took care of me so much that today I can't turn my back on him no matter what. Like, this time you'll call me. He's in a pinch. I'll give it to you next week. I don't hear from him. Do I get mad? No, because he basically saved my life when I was a kid. Never told anybody what he did for me.

You know how old people give you money? Like, I had to give Coco 200. He never repeated what he did for me as a child. Yeah. He was just my friend. Right. he had a Volkswagen that wouldn't go in reverse. So he used to have to open up his door and push his foot backwards.

He shot me in the dick with a BB gun one day. I was coming out of my backyard. He beat the horn. And when I come around the backyard, I see him with a rifle pointed at me like League R.B. Oswald. I'm like, what's going on? All of a sudden I felt like, he shot me with a pellet gun right on my dick. I didn't even get mad at him. Like, you know how you would say to somebody, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I laughed my ass off because only. he would think of shoot me in the dick because he told me, if you show me your dick, I'm going to shoot it. And I remember one day, put it on his car. He's like, that's it. I'm going to shoot it. Sure enough, I come out of the side of the house, and there he is, staring at me with the Volkswagen, with a BB

rifle and he shot me right in the fucking dick, Doug. I got in this car, we went to the city, copped a bag of dope, and we laughed the whole way through, like jingle bells. That's fucking great. Fucking craziness. Dude, somebody was stupid enough. I never shot a gun.

So my friends from Texas, Gail, and she goes and she buys me a BB gun for my 50th birthday, a pump gun. And so I go out in the backyard and I got my nephew there. And my nephew is like a, he was like a Navy SEAL. And so he's very into guns. He's got a Glock. He's got all these fucking Israeli 12-gauge fucking handguns. And so we're in the backyard with the gun and we're shooting each other. We're seeing who can take more pumps, shoot each other in the ass.

And then he starts going, let's shoot cans. So he's throwing cans in the air And we're trying to shoot the Coke can Before it hits the ground So anyway, we do this all day And then the next day I get a text from my next door neighbor Who's got two little kids

And they text me a picture Of their blown out window With BBs in it Their kids room She goes, do you have a BB gun? It took me about 12 minutes To muster the rates are right Yes, I do

I took over that I could have shot her fucking kid's eye out. I'm 54 years old, Joey. What am I doing? Just having a good time. Just trying to have a good time. Hey, how are you doing the COVID, man? I mean, how are you hanging in?

You got places you can go that you feel safe? Absolutely. You know, I have kept it light. I really, really, really have kept it light. You got your comedy night once a week at that one gig? And by the way, for people who wondered what I put in my mouth. There was Lucy gum before the rumors start. Right here, this is what was making all that noise.

Uh-huh. I've been okay. I got Vinnie's on Wednesday nights. Right. I got two more weeks. Now I'm taking the summer off, Greg. There you go. I think we did a lot the last 10 years.

Yep. I think that I didn't realize what we had done the last 10 years. It blew my fucking wig off. When I watched the comedy store documentary, it really hit me of who I was and who I've become and how much I've changed during this pandemic. Yeah. We've become family men now more than ever. I mean, I know you've always loved your boys and you've spoken to me about your boys, but this has made you tighter with them. Yeah.

By now, if your wife hasn't killed you or you killed your wife, that means you've gotten tighter. Tighter. I feel absolutely close to my wife right now. I feel closer to my wife now. This situation has really, I was fucked up when I got here. I was just fucked up mentally. You know, physically the whole L.A. move, it just fucked me up. And doing the Patreon and doing the podcast brought me back a little bit, little by little. The podcasts were brutal in the beginning.

I went Bill Burr-style. and I must have lost a big chunk of my audience, and that's fine, because this is a lesson for everybody that you have to start over again, gain the public's trust again, and then it didn't help that 2,000 people started a new podcast. Everybody was out of work, so now everybody started a new podcast. Right. So things changed.

The podcast format has changed in the world, but I'm still very happy. Yeah. I'm a little disenchanted with stand-up, but that's okay. That's funny, you know, because I've been, You and I talked about this. We talked on the phone last week. And we were talking about that of like not feel like the honeymoon.

The honeymoon period is kind of over. It's over. But then I went out last night. We did this show because, you know, I do that St. Patrick's Day show at the improv that you've done for me a million times. I put it on every year. And so none of the clubs are open in L.A. So there's a golf course up the street from my house and they've got this outdoor cafe.

And they got picnic tables. And I found a little fucking like a, what do you call those wood things that are on the ground? A pellet. I guess a pellet. They said, that's a stage. Go run of the music store

and get a couple lights. We got a microphone. I got Jackie Flint, Kevin Flynn. We got, what's saying? Anyway, we got a bunch of comics. And we packed a place.

Everybody fucking showed up. It was outside. Everybody wore their masks. My daughter came out. She's 17. She's never seen me do stand-up before. So I went up there and I'm nervous, you know, because first of all, I haven't been doing stand-up,

so I'm nervous on top of that. And on top of that, this is the first time my daughter, who's been sitting across from me from the dinner table for 17 years. I crack her up. Every night I do bits with her. Every night she sleeps with the dog in her bed. And every night I take the dog and I do something funny with the dog when I bring it into her room.

It's the last thing that happens at the end of the day. I make her laugh. Sometimes I take the dog. I put tinfoil on his head and I say that he's, He's getting transmissions from space. Sometimes I put him in a roller bag and I zip it up and I pull it into the room. I put fucking masks on him. Every night it's a different bit.

But she's never seen me do stand-up. And I'm thinking of myself like, this is going to be a formative moment for her to see what dad does for a living. This is my identity. This is my love. She's always known that I did it, but she's never seen it. So I went up there. Joey, I ripped the tits off that place. I gave it

I do all these new bits I've been writing during quarantine and doing just fucking around people in the crowd shitting on people and I got off and she gave me a big hug and she goes dad I'm so proud of you that was such a beautiful moment well I can't show my daughter my stand-up yet

for reasons unknown well the first thing I said on stage was my daughter's in the audience tonight which is going to make this tricky because half my jokes are about fucking her mother I can't My daughter's 8th She just came from the other day

She goes, I heard you say the effort And I was like, I know I won't say it anymore Yeah, no, I've said it before But I think she finally learned what it was At school or something And everybody curses in New Jersey You know

She had no choice The other day called her mother An Unconsciousible ballbuster And her mother went upstairs And she goes, did you hear the conversation? And she goes, yeah, I heard that call you an unconscionable ball. She didn't hear Buster. She just heard ball because my wife, I was sitting here, and I'm trying to watch something.

She's telling me some story. But something and I go, stop, stop. Yeah. You have been an unconscionable ball buster during this fucking pandemic. Busted my balls when I'm trying to watch something. Now you want to tell me this fucking story? It's like that girlfriend that tells you she got Uncle molested her during halftime. You're trying to watch a game, and during halftime, she types of,

deflate you like your team is losing you're not covering the spread and all a son your uncle molested you're really i need this now in my fucking life you couldn't tell me this on valentine's night when we're eating fucking spamone or some shit you just you know my wife will talk about something at the wrong fucking time i'm sitting here in pain i just gave up the fucking pain meds i got a splitting fucking headache you know i had surgery so it's fucking a major surgery. And I'm sitting here fighting off pain at night. Just sitting out here like a fucking water del waiting for my leg.

Because, you know, when you have replaced me surgery, you have nightmares that you're going to walk. And you're going to see your leg behind you. Like, that's my biggest fear that my leg is just going to fall off from the fucking knee down. I'm going to be standing in like a putts. And all of a sudden there's an ankle and I'm going to fucking faint. So I got enough problems as it is. One shoe is tall than the other one. You're that guy.

No, it's fucking, it has been. And the pain pills were. a different journey. That's a different psychological journey. And until you go, you know what, it's either pain or this feeling, this creepy feeling, I'll deal with the fucking pain. I got CBD Lyon. I got fucking, you know, arthritis cream.

I've got, you know, the CBD under the tongue really works. Oh, yeah. I tell you, it takes away the pain by 40%. Have you tried the roll on or the gels? Oh, fuck you. That's some of that OMAX cryofreeze. That shit's good. I got, listen, I got CBD Lion roll on.

I do the whole process. I'd roll it on, I let it sink into the knee, I let it air dry, and then I put the tens on. And I pretty much electrocute myself. And then I forget I got the tins on, and I go for soda, and the soda hits me in the finger. And I get, like, fucking, a little jolt, like a little electrocution myself.

I feel like fucking that guy in escape from Alcatraz. Like, every night when I have the tens on, I go, tonight I electrocute myself. I've added such a rough eye. fucking pandemic. People do not understand that. From March to fucking May or June, I was pretty much knocking myself out every night with drugs. What kind of drugs? You name it. Whatever would put me to fuck down. For 12 years, I went to a doctor and every nine months, every 90 days, he refilled the prescription for asthma, the baby's annex, the white ones. I had a 12-year supply.

that I never touched. Never. When the fuck do I, you know, I get a little bit of anxiety before I go on stage, so I started putting footballs. They're footballs. White footballs?

I would put them in my top pocket and I'd forget to take it when I got to the store. I would only take them if I, you know, sometimes I would go to the store, walk up the stairs to the original room. Yeah. And since they blacked out the window,

I would get anxiety. Yeah. Because I couldn't see the outside. And then I never touched them, really. For 12, fucking 13 years. I didn't touch him. I took five or six of them when I had that feeling, you know. Yeah.

During the pandemic, I was eating fucking ten of those things at night. Yeah. Plus a thousand milligrams of edible. Damn. Plus, refa all fucking day. Plus. Would you have a drink? I drank the first time on Rogan's podcast.

I had a shot of whiskey because I was doing between the pills and the edibles. I think the alcohol would have killed me. Yeah. I was going to say, you can't. No, fuck with alcohol when you're taking all that stuff. And that's the thing about me, like, during this, when I left the hospital after the knee surgery, they gave me 13 fucking prescriptions. Muscle relaxers, you know, so right away I went on a fucking, I got them in the refrigerator, the little shit, the little yogurt you drink for your stomach to coat your stomach. Right.

I tried everything, you know, there were pills I don't need to take. Like they tried to put me on like an anxiety medication is all off to one of those that you just don't need it. One minute you're taking them jumping up and down. The next minute you're hanging from a tree like Chris Cornell. I don't want to hang those. No disrespect to Chris Cornell. No, believe me. I know a lot of people that have died taking those drugs.

I don't want to take none of that shit. Yeah. You know, and one day I finally woke up out of the fucking pill crazed, the little white footballs. And I was like, these things aren't making me feel well. And the edibles weren't helping. So what I did was when I came here, I changed everything. Like I changed everything. I changed my diet.

Stop butter, meat on certain days. I focused on sleep, a lot more sleep, and I focused on switching my time change, which was a fucking nightmare. Really? Yeah, I was going to bed at one in L.A. That means I was going to bed at four here. Yeah.

So for the first two weeks, I was sleeping four to eight and walking around like a zambo. And, like, looking at P. I was so petrified from World News Tonight. Yeah. With that fucking David Muir, he was like fucking my, my fucking exorcist. I just scared the fuck out of me.

I would be home every day at 3.30, pinning to the TV, counting the debts. And I come here and nobody's got mask on and people having barbecues in their backyard. First couple weeks, it was fucking brutal to sit around. Like, I would be dying inside. But I said, fuck it.

I'm going to switch. So I stopped eating edibles. Really? Yeah, that's it. I use them just to go to sleep at night. How many milligrams you take to go to sleep? That you don't want to know. That's a personal secret.

A thousand. I take them in a syringe form. They come in a fucking syringe. It's a thousand milligrams. And I put it in the tea. I drink a special two milligram tea called Kikamot that has CBD and CBN. And I will throw a whole fucking thousand milligrams in the fucking tea. And then 200 milligram capsules of ABX.

No. Oh, yeah. And then I fucking. And now I read. So I turn the TV off. I read until I feel a little fucking obats. Damn. And I go upstairs and I dream in purple.

Everything's in purple. Dude, my dreams like body rubble. A thousand to switch everything. You're going to laugh. But I got these little mints at the store because I don't, I'm not a big pot guy, but I got these two and a half milligram mints. I got them too. Dude, they just, I come home sometimes and I pop one.

stressed out. All of a sudden, I'm looking the wife in the eye. I got time for everybody. I'm doing paint by numbers, reading a book. It just takes the edge off. It's fantastic. It's fantastic. But a thousand. I can't imagine a thousand. I'm fucking changing this game. I'm going to go to Congress and tell them that it's so weird how these edibles and this marijuana, you don't need pills. And I proved it to myself with the surgery, with the pain pills. Like, Listen, the first two weeks I needed the oxy cotton. After that, I didn't need it no more. The feeling was horrible, and I kept having to take him.

And I finally, he switched me off him. I was trying to wean off him myself. And I'm so proud, I threw the magic number away. I threw 13 of them away. Were you taking those hard shits? Are you taking those coral? It's like a piece of coral coming out of your ass once you're on that for a few weeks. It was like, listen, the surgery shit was five days before I took a shit.

And when it hurt, it's a thing. It felt like I was getting gang raped by 20 fucking Puerto Ricans of my asshole. Because it was like the shit was skinny on the way out, but then it opened up like a ball constricted as much. And hard. Hard as a rock. It was hard as a rock. Yeah.

I can't describe the pain of the first two shits, but they gave me a medication that was like a bomb. Like they told you to take it after dinner at 7.30. And you would actually feel it. And they would just clean out your intestines. I had to take a shit during a podcast one day. I did a podcast with Ryan Sickler. It came out Monday.

Watch the podcast on Zoom. I had to take it into the bathroom and shit because when you got to go now, you got to go. There's no holding back. Wait, did you continue the podcast while you were on the toilet? What am I going to call a time out? That's for pussies. You got to commit. You got to commit.

I got to watch that. Oh, my God. It was a tremendous three logs. They were sitting and one block in the other one. If it was the Indians, it was like Indians made it. It was perfect. when I had a flush twice and then I got up to pee, he gave me shit

because I don't put my dick in the toilet because never, since I'm like four, I'm like, what do you mean? What do you mean? When you're shit and you're supposed to pee in the toilet. I get up to pee. I don't put my dick in the toilet. Where's your penis while you're taking a dump?

In my hand, I hold my nutsack. I don't want, let me tell you something. The third night of this fucking surgery. It's like driving a stick shift. And I got that ball sack that's gigantic. Let me tell you something. I've heard about it. The third or fourth night of the surgery,

I went to take a shit, like to try, I had a fart, like a twisted fart that was stuck to one of your little chubby ribs. And I went in the bathroom to shit, and I had my pants down. And when I went to bend down, I had a hold on. My balls picked up the toilet seat, and I sat on my balls, and I couldn't get up. You don't know what pain and confusion is. It was either between my balls or my knees.

I didn't know what hurt more. That 300 pounds on your fucking ball sack, and they didn't do nothing. Not even bruised. They're beautiful. My ball sacks are made a fucking steal. That's how I know I'm a fucking ballers. I'm balls all the way to the end. I sat on my nuts and I remember sitting there feeling like my nuts were stretched out.

Yeah. Like the skin, like I thought it was going to. And I'm like, ah. And I just fucking had to like wiggle my way back up. And I had to stand here for like four minutes and say, God, I don't know what I did to deserve this. But this is a fucking karma killer right here. This is, I'm good now for a couple of months. months. I sat on my own nut sack.

How I didn't go to the hospital. I mean, I don't even know. Dude, if that happened to me, that would be the night I took the thousand milligrams. That would be that night. I don't even know, man. Oh, my God. It has been, but on the other hand, I miss you guys. I miss the comedy store. I miss you, man. It's hard not having you around. Oh, man. You always warm me up when I see you. Please, I missed who I was, you know, because I've changed and I can feel it. Like, when I drive

now I'm like I'm a fucking suburban dad yeah right I drive around a dead deer every fucking day like I live in the sticks and I'm like my life has changed so much I don't even know who the fuck I am but lately it's been coming back to me you know and that's why I'm enjoying the zooms with all my old friends because yeah I didn't want to go to zoom I was bill burning until the pandemic is over and then I was just going to have live guests but bill burr is Bill Burr for a fucking reason he's a fucking animal he's to pull off that hour podcast by himself I was having a hard time I'm getting it now I'm getting a lot better at it but I'm not Bill Burr you know I'm saying so yeah I want to mix it up a little bit plus I wanted to see you guys I wanted to see you I want to look into

your eyes there's something I got to tell you the first one of the first things I did when I got here was I bumped into the kid that owned the house that Puerto Rican Nelson the pervert in our neighborhood lived in. I told you that story first in the podcast about the pedophile in our neighborhood. Yep. And it's so funny that Jimmy Florentine told me a fucking hilarious story about growing up in Jersey that there was a wrestling, a guy that was a wrestling photographer that would take pictures and sell them to kids outside the garden.

But he was really a pedophile. He would tell you that he had two ringside seats and to come down. But then when you got down, he had to sit on his lap and he would nibble on your ear. You're watching. He only at one seat. And I'm sitting there going, Jimmy, isn't it funny like in New Jersey? We all knew who the pedophile was and we fucked with him. Like other kids, like, I got molested by him.

You let him molest you. We tormented Puerto Rican Nelson. We'd tell him, come play football with us. He'd come out with the robe with no underwear on. You know, he thought he was going to get some ass. But we'd always shut him down. We knew he was a fucking pedophile to this day. You know, the ice cream.

We let him buy an ice cream. screaming. Then he goes, we're all going back to my house and look at the globe, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you. Yeah, because he had a globe. He wanted to show us all the places he'd been to go fuck yourself. I don't want to see no fucking globe, but are you an English teacher? What the fuck out of here? You know who the fetter files is and you fuck with him in Jersey. Like, you know, until one day you get pissed off and you're like 13, just fuck them up. Like Nelson didn't last that long for us to fuck them up. That's great. Now, you go to the Midwest. Everybody just gets molested.

Everybody gets molested and they leave it there. You know. I remember big dog, I fucking vividly remember wanting to be a Cub Scout, like a little fag. Like I went and bought the patches and I was trying to light fires by myself with sticks. And I'm like, fuck, but I got to join the Boy Scouts. I still remember where I went. It was a church and the Boy Scouts were meeting the back once a week in the church.

And I remember going there. And I was never an altar boy, but I worked the Bingo Hall. And I never got a funny feeling from the priest. I could always admit that. I never got molested by a priest and nothing like that. But I remember going to that fucking Cub Scout, Wee Blow meeting. You have to be a We Blow first. And I didn't like the word off the bat.

Like, We Blow. Yeah, right. Like, I don't know about that. And then I thought the guy was creepy. Uh-huh. I thought the guy, like, I went twice maybe, and I was like, you know what? Something ain't right here. And then now it's all over television.

You know, if you got molested by a Boy Scout, call this number. Oh, more than the Catholic priests, they're saying. More incidents with the Cub Scouts and the Boy Scouts and the Catholic priests. And I know a lot of people who are good people who are Cub Scouts. This is like everything else. There's good cops. There's bad cops. There's good Cubans. There's good Cubans.

Right. There's good Irish and there's bad Irish. How was your St. Patty's Day besides the comedy? Do you eat some corned beef? I told you about that comedy show. So I told the people at the cafe, I said, you guys are making corned beef and cabbage. I want you to order about 16 cases of Guinness. And then I baked a couple of Irish soda breads.

It's my grandmother's recipe. I bought a couple sticks of that Irish butter and I sliced it up for I cooked it so it was still hot when I got there and then I listen to fucking Clancy Brothers all day fighting songs. Guys singing about four green fields. You know, they stole my four green fields

but my sons have sons. And you know, I'm fucking jigging around the house. I love it. I miss I miss New York City because we used to march every year since I was five years old. I marched in the parade with my grandfather.

He was with the ancient order of hibernians from the Bronx. He came to this country when he was fucking 16 years old. He worked for the electric company. And he raised six kids in the Bronx on no fucking money. And he used to walk proud. He put on his suit with the sash, chin up in the air. And, you know, all these kids from Long Island in Jersey are throwing up and taking a piss on a mailbox. He didn't look at that.

He looked straight ahead, marching like... He was in the IRA when he was in Ireland. He ran messages for the IRA from town to town when he was like 13, 14 years old. What an interesting fucking race, the Irish. What an interesting race. And what I've gotten from them is nothing but balls. Yeah. Like I've gotten balls from Irish people that I met.

Like I'm like, man. When I was a kid, there was a kid, Chuckie McBreen, he's the head coach of the Ramapo men's basketball team. We still talk. I love that motherfucker with all my heart because he was tiny. but the balls on him till the end. And he would argue with you till the end, even if you were bigger than him. And you know what? He wouldn't fight yet.

That wasn't his style. But he was such a classy guy. I loved him. And now, you know, his season didn't have a budget for the COVID this year. So he got canceled. But it's so weird, all the Irish kids I grew up with, they were very similar to Cuban kids. We're very hard-headed. We go in head first without thinking, you know?

Yeah, yeah. We swing first. Yeah. And it's also like the Irish, you know, we never had, you look at some European countries, the French or the Italians. We never had that clothing style. We dressed like fucking pigs, big, big wool sweaters and, you know, shit kicker boots. And the food's terrible.

Everything's boiled and all that. But when it came to loyalty, when it came to storytelling, people that could hold your attention, they respected that you were paying attention to them. So they gave you a good story. and a good laugh. And yeah, and the loyalty and the fighting spirit, the independence. You know, I go over,

we were supposed to go to Ireland last summer, but we couldn't go because of COVID. But we were supposed to go to Cuba. Remember, I was going to Cuba in the spring, and then we were going to Ireland in the summer. Both trips got canceled, but as soon as the COVID dies down, we're going to both places.

Both fucking highly Catholic countries. That's right. Well, it's a Catholic island. You know, it's really a fucking island, but highly Catholic. Would everybody, I respect you in a lot of ways. You're staying.

You're going to hunker down and fucking stay in L.A. You know, I don't live in L.A. I live in Venice Beach, and that's a big difference. Venice Beach is a neighborhood. You know, I know every one of my neighbors for two blocks in every direction. People have open yards, no fences, dogs, kids. Everybody's walking back and forth. I'm a mile from the beach.

I do fucking yoke. on the beach on Sunday mornings. We play volleyball on the beach on the weekends. We got poker nights. You know, there's a lot of good-looking young people. A lot of hot young girls walking around the neighborhood. It's the greatest. I love it.

So you're good down there. Where am I going to go? Where am I going to go this better than that? To me, it's about like, it's about being able to socialize without getting into my car in Los Angeles. I walk down the street. We have dinner with some friends at their house. You know, it's a...

easy. Are you getting vaccinated when it's your turn? I got one. I got to get the second one. And you're going to do comedy inside? You feel great the whole thing. Yeah, I got some, well, let me mention my dates. I got a couple coming up. I'm going to be in next weekend. I don't know when this airs, but I'm going to be in, where am I going? Hold on. I'm going to Raleigh, North Carolina, you know, good nights. Right. I'll be there March 25th. the 27th, and then I'll be at Philly and Helium the 22nd through the 25th of April, and then I got Kansas City coming up after that. Maybe San Francisco.

I'm not sure if they're going to open the club. So you're doing your thing. You're hanging in there. No homeless by you down there? Oh, we got homeless. We got a lot of homeless. Yeah, it's a big issue, man. It's like, you know, people are pitching in, though.

You know, we help out at this soup kitchen. The people concerned, we go out there, buy some groceries, drop it off on Sundays. and you know you try to throw them some money on the street talk to them like they're human beings don't walk past them that's what I did when I was in North Hollywood but towards the end it got a little even my had like personal protection

I had like a big black homeless dude that was fucking six for four what do you want to do oh yeah fuck it yeah and I would see him and throw him 20s yeah I would see him and pull over and have my daughter give him a 20 I go you see my daughter get into a jam you jump in there gee

that's nice no worries I'll kill a motherfucker for you D yeah you know He called me D all the time. He was great. I had a couple guys. I had another guy that wouldn't let me help him, give him food, but he'd let me give him clothes and shit like that. I would bring him vitamins, you know.

Yeah. You help in your community. That's the best you could do. You can't help everybody. Yeah. But you do the best you can. Now look, here's the bottom line. We live in Los Angeles.

It's got the best weather of anywhere in the country. Anywhere in the country. It doesn't get too hot in the summer. It doesn't get too cold in the winter. So people, everybody wants to say, oh look at California just look at you now you got all these homeless yeah where do you think they came from they came from your shit state you know when they couldn't afford to live there anymore because they're on the streets you think they're going to stay on the streets in ohio or fucking

deep in texas no they're coming out to california it's not our problem it's all of our problems and so you know people have a reaction to it and they say well fuck this i'm leaving town i don't want to be around these homeless people well how about you stay home and you fix your home that's no offense to you i know you didn't leave because of the homeless You had other reasons. No, no, no. But I see a lot of people, they leave L.A. and then they want to shit on it on the way out.

No, I didn't, I didn't shit on the way out. I felt bad, to be honest to you. I felt very bad. But I always knew, like I didn't buy. I never bought for a reason. I looked at Woodland Hills, and it just didn't rub me the right way when I went looking. I think we went right after we had the baby. Yeah.

And I was like, let's just see where we end up. You know, I was thinking about moving to Tennessee. I mean, I had always been thinking it was he going to be Tennessee, close to my wife's family, Jersey, or back to Colorado. I just, I couldn't go back to Boulder. I disrespected Boulder enough. Uh-huh. I really did time there.

I didn't want to go back to Boulder. I didn't deserve it, you know. Uh-huh. I was going to go to, like, telly ride or something. Oh, yeah, that's nice there. But I realized one thing, that even with you, Rogan, all my friends, you know, comedy-wise, I was missing something. There was something missing.

I feel that. I had been gone long enough. I wanted my daughter experience White Castleburgers. You know, I wanted her. Monday night, she had a bad night, and I took it a Carvel. And on the way there, I go, what are you going to have? And she goes, I'm going to have a chocolate ice cream soda. I go, when was the last time you had one of those?

She goes, well, I tasted your vanilla one. And it was that good to sit across from my daughter eating a Carvel, chocolate ice cream. Like for her to, and as soon as she got it, she didn't say two words. She started sipping it. She drank it all the way to the fucking bottom. I had tears on my eyes. Saturday night is date night here. We all sit home and we watch the honeymoon.

It's at 9.30. Oh, no shit. Really? Archie Bunker. Last week he said chink. And my daughter's like, what's that? And don't worry about it. He said chink on TV.

2021, WP-I-X said, fuck it. We don't give a fuck. We're not going to edit them. Oh, yeah. Followed by him. He's threatening his wife with domestic violence for five minutes. No, and then we watch, you know, then you watch the honeymoon is he's going to knock her out to the moon.

Yeah, right, right. And you, but when she said, when she said, what's the chink? Me and my wife nearly shit off fucking pants. What do you tell them? You know, like, what do? That was the TV in the fucking 70s. Well, a chink, honey, let Daddy tell you about a story that happened up at a massage parlor in Michigan.

Yeah, no, but I would never, I don't use racial epitats in front of. That's one thing I don't because you learn racism at home. She has African-American friend and Chinese friends. Her best friend is a Jewish little girl, and she loves saying her name, you know, the whole thing. So that's all been great, but I do miss you guys. Yeah. I think when the comedy store opens, it's going to really affect me a little bit. There was parts of me.

I wanted it not to open up, so I wouldn't feel so bad, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. But I think once it opens up, eventually we'll have a little reunion out there, fucking bust out the edibles. Your spirit's always going to be in that back hallway, Joey. Yes, it is. We're going to feel you there. No, yes, it is, man. And I think that will be the ticket.

I came to terms that once it opens up, we'll give it some time. And we'll get all the band together, Rogan yourself, Burr, who's ever allowed in there. You never know anymore, you know. Right, right. Yeah, there's a few no shows. Yeah, there's a few no shows. And we'll do the best we can. Until that time, you and I will keep talking every other week.

Yep. We'll continue to be Irish Catholic Cuban brothers. And hopefully you can make it to Cuba and meet my aunt. Because my aunt was going to hook you up. You know, I called me. I know. She said anything for your friends. Yeah.

And bring you over and cook for you. And, you know, tell you about. I need that. I need that experience in my life. Meet my sister maybe. You know, you would have. I haven't seen my sister in 50 years. You would have got to meet my sister.

How bad would I, she was planning on giving you an envelope for me, like pictures and shit like that. Uh-huh. I think you're probably going to send me down with an envelope, too. Yeah, I probably, no, I was thinking about sending you down with an envelope. A little cash to give them because if you send money, the fucking communists take 30, 40. It's like having 10 fucking agents.

You send the 100 bucks, you only get 20. It's like, what the fuck is that? So every time I send money, I got it's an extra money because the fucking it. The Cubans take it. But I miss your brother, and I'm happy you took the time on a Monday morning to talk to me.

Of course. Happy St. Patty's Day. Congratulations on your daughter, watching you do comedy. I can't wait until I can take my daughter to see me and for her to go, Dad, what the fuck was that? I won't have that high energy.

I'll be too old by that time, but I'll give it fucking hell. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. You'll give it the best set you've ever given it. Fitz, I love you at all my heart. Thank you very much. much for coming on the joint and we'll

talk like we usually do brother. I'll be all right buddy I love you too. Thank you very much for doing this. You got it. Stay black. Take care. We're back cock suckers. I hope you enjoyed it. Greg Fitzsimmons is one of my all-time fucking favorites. I had to tell them about

Puerto Rico Nelson that I looked them up when I got back here to see if we could find them and then we couldn't find them, blah blah blah. So it all worked out man. But now what are we doing? What we're doing on Monday? days from now on is I'm contacting all the comics that I miss and we're going to do a little podcast EO and in time you'll see all your favorites. Some of you might like, some of you might not,

but I'm just getting the Zoom thing going because listen, guys, I don't know how far this is going to go and I'm sick and tired of sitting here and expecting you to pay attention to me for a fucking hour. I don't want to do that either. I don't want to listen to me for a fucking hour either. So we had to integrate some guests in here just to fucking get you. Just to fucking give you a different taste and a different looks at you know what I'm saying I hope you people are enjoying it you know I love Greg you could tell in our little fucking chit-chat that we both need to see each other this is what it's been guys if you're feeling a little weird a little out of sorts right now amen it's all right we're

all feeling weird or other sorts but your friendships are still there and they shouldn't feel weird and out of sorts reach out they might make your day look at my day I'm getting better every time you fucking guys see me and it's because I'm taking the right steps I eliminate those fucking edibles from my daytime life and now I'm a normal fucking dad I'm just a normal person

I'm out of that L.A. bullshit I'm happy to be out of that type you know that little toxic type environment that everybody is needy and everybody needs to have Instagram friends and all this shit I'm out of that now I'm just a regular suburban fucking dad

I'm not looking for nothing I didn't get the railroad Mono movie, did I fucking cry? I was like, no, so what, who cares? Really? You're not upset? No. It wasn't meant to be. God didn't put it in the fucking path? What are they meant to be? You move on, and they're shooting in Queens anyway, so you

know what? The fucking rate of transmission is like 4.5-9 over there. You sneeze. If you sneeze, you get fucking COVID over there. If you push out, you get COVID, so everything happens for a reason. You have to accept things, guys. Sometimes, listen, it wasn't going to change my life, but I just want to. to work a little bit. I never met Ray Romano. I'd like to be in his

directorial debut, but it didn't work out that way. And that's, this is what life is about. It's adjusting. You gotta have to take a couple nose before you get to a yes. And that's it. Every once in a while, no, no, no, no, nobody wants me. Okay, there's going to be one person who's going to watch you. That's, that's been the truth of me all my life. So, uh, hang in there. I know we're going through two tough times, but we're almost out of the fucking weeds. There's still a little shoot that's going to drop, but that still means we can still make progress

and still push forward every week and still get fucking what we need. I will get the vaccine in time. I promise you guys. Right now, I'm not doing nothing fucking spectacular to do it. I mean, I'm sorry about Uncle Vinnie's last week that they had a canceled.

There's a rumor going around that I have COVID. I took three fucking tests. I ain't got no fucking COVID, so I don't know where to fuck that got. that came around like 10 people called me you got COVID not really the club I don't know I don't know what happened so I'm in my business I don't know nothing and I advise you to do the fucking same I love you motherfuckers I'm happy you're enjoying the joint I'm happy you enjoyed this episode I'm having a great time Mike's having a great time and we're just trying to put this motherfucker together for you every Monday and Wednesday that's all we're doing no explosives no lights no bullshit just straight up fucking coming at you and every week we're going to get better and better. And this is what life is about. It's getting just a little better every week.

I don't need to be number one. Listen, I'm getting a little better every week. I know you guys are too. So thank you very much for supporting us. Thank you for watching. And I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday morning. Tip-top, motherfucking Magoo. Now for a word from our sponsors.

I love you, cock-suckers. Stay black. All right, cock-suckers. I want to thank you guys for listening. I want to thank Greg Fitzsimmons for being the gentleman. There's always, always a piss of having them on, always a piss of seeing them. Guys, I'm getting a lot out of these zooms. This is really helping me a lot.

It's a different podcast. You know what? Sometimes you've got to surrender. And I'm making you guys even happy. And that's all that matters to me is that you guys are happy. Before we leave, the joint is brought to you by Blue Chew. Listen, that's it. You're allowed to go out.

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I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. I want to thank Greg Fitzsimmons. I want to thank you guys. I want to thank Patreon. I love all you cock suckers. Stay black. Not only is the joint coming out today on YouTube, but we have a La Descarga, a Spanish podcast,

that comes out on Patreon, $3, $5, and 10, knock yourself so fuck out. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Have a great week. Uncle Joey loves you. BAM!