The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #050 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: March 24, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Wednesday, March 24th..... Today, we talked about current events..... This episode is brought to you by Express VPN, ONNIT & DraftKings...... Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.Onnit.com and enter Code: CHURCH Go to https://www.ExpressVPN.com/JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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What's happened you bad motherfuckers It's Wednesday the 24th They got my happy blue shirt on Because what else are you gonna fucking wear? You gotta be happy, you know what I'm saying? Blue makes me feel better It makes you feel better I'm not coming in with a black shirt

the whole fucking thing especially when I wake up to fucking weird listen we're living in a world that you never know what you're gonna wake up to anymore I woke up this morning I got my call for you know

I kissed my daughter I talked to her for a few minutes and you go downstairs and what the fuck you open up the computer and I got to read the fucking what's that chick's name from Three's company

Susan Susan whatever is 73 and she's having fucking sex fucking four times a day. I need to know that. I need to know that that I'm happy for you, whatever your fucking name is.

What's the name? Suzanne Summers. Suzanne Summers is having sex three times a day by lunchtime. First of all, listen, I'm like you. I'm 58 and I have a hard time looking at my dick because I'm getting old.

I can't imagine what a 70-year-old twat smells and smells and tastes like at this point in the game. Suzanne, you're good looking, but you're fucking 74. I mean, this is what you gotta wake up to a 74 year old telling you she's having fucking sex. You know, that's great. What's your pussy smell? Like panty liners and fucking piss and whatever?

Are you fucking crazy, Suzanne Summers? I woke up and I thought about that image on the computer. I'm like, what the fuck is going on with the world? Every fucking day is something crazy. Suzanne Summers? What else fucking happened? Something else happened that fucking I sat there and I couldn't believe it. Oh, oh, Krispy Cream is giving you a fucking donut if you get the vaccine.

Whoa, fuck, I'm running down there now to eat one of those old donuts. They throw away to the homeless people at night. That's what you're going to get? Can you imagine? Like, what fucking incentive is that? That crispy cream is going to give you a fucking donut. You want an incentive to me? Give me a fucking lobster tail.

How about a ball lick if you get the COVID test? They have like fucking Suzanne Summers and a 74-year-old pussy giving you a fucking ball lick or something like this. What the fuck is going on? Every time you open up the computer, it's fucking. Something fucking different in the morning. You're like, did I just read what I just fucking read? Am I just fucking going crazy?

Is it? Black Sabbath has a song. Am I going insane? Tell me people, am I going insane? And I got to tell you something. That's how I feel sometimes by the shit I'm reading. Suzanne fucking sums. Un fucking believable.

I have sex three times by lunchtime. Three's company. Good for you. Good for you, Suzanne. 74 years old. Your fucking saggy titty's and your saggy fucking pussy. Your clit hangs down low and shit. It's a fucking nightmare.

I just, who would the fuck would say that in this time? Like, that's going to make my mental health better. I'm happy for you, Suzanne Summers. But now to get to the fucking thick and the heavy, man, Monday blew my fucking mind. I was having a great day. I was busy as fuck. And I got bad news from two fucking fronts. The first front I got bad news from it.

My daughter started softball. fucking tremendous. She started her first fucking practice Monday night. Guys, you don't know what it's like when your life comes full circle. And some days you'll all be in my position when you're older. And you get to look back at what you've done and what you haven't done and how your life is gone. And it's just great that God gave me a second chance.

And we picked up another girl from her team and we drove her. And they broke him into three fucking, uh, you know, three little fucking areas. And some girls batted, some girls fucking ran bases. Some girls got, you know, learned how to field. Some girls learned how to catch it. It was just tremendous. But in the middle of this, the first call I got was that there was a shooting in Boulder.

You know, I was so enthralled in the moment, the sunshine, my daughter, talking to other parents that when my friend called me, he was like, you know, it was George. my brother he was like it was the the king supers that we used to go to and i'm like really and i didn't like i said guys i was so in the moment that i didn't think about what was going on afterward my daughter we uh dropped uh the girl off mccole and me and my daughter went we got some i got a vegetarian burrito doesn't really matter whatever we came home and then uh last night i got a chance you know just for some fucking reason against my best interest I turned on that fucking CNN and I was watching what was going on and I was heartbroken I was just fucking heartbroken I told you guys eight months ago that

COVID wasn't the only problem we have right now the problem that we have right now the problem that we have right now in this country is mental health mental health has gone to shit how do I how do we know how do I know this because I suffered through it I went through a fucking mental mental breakdown April, May. If you watch the first five episodes of this podcast, I was stuttering still. I wasn't myself. This is, hey man, it just happens. This isolation, changing careers, this puts a strain on people, you know, relationships, people, you know, people are really getting to think. This gives you a time to think so I knew things were going to happen.

You know, this thing up in fucking Minneapolis is a shame, the COVID, the amount of people dying. You know, this country is just going through a period of, we're unsettled still. You know, we've been locked in the cage for a year. You know, some people have no unemployment. Some people, it's just everybody has a different way of handling things. For me, it was fucking going to fucking pills and fucking edibles and smoking pot all day. And I knew that wasn't the fucking answer. I had to deal with what was in front of me.

But this Boulder thing last night really fucking made me. fucking think because that supermarket was a special place to me as as dumb as the sound and you know guys i tell you how i feel from the bottom of my heart on every fucking episode last night when i was looking at first of all that king's super's was just a uh a supermarket and then if you went passed down there was a little tiny strip mall and there was a bar they had a couple things i really don't remember. I knew they had a bar because they had a dinner special. And every night they had like an early dinner, like five to seven, you get like for $9 you got and they made a tremendous trout almondine. And I would go there twice or three times a week.

You know, that king soup is, I lived in that area from September of 87 to April of 88. that is where I lived South Boulder when I kidnapped Vela. I lived across the street from that supermarket. That's the supermarket. I still remember all the shit that happened in that supermarket. I used to, you know, I used to shop there. So I would shop every kind of every other day. Let's say I would go for something to eat fresh.

And I remember one Sunday hungover. I, you know, crossed the street. I didn't go to the yellow. to the corner in the middle I just cut across the street jaywalking what they call it and while I was jaywalking I heard a tire hit something and it hit a wallet that was on the floor and I remember like hitting the corner and going somebody threw a wall out of a call let me go see what's in there and I just felt a curiosity I went over picked up the wallet they took the credit cards they cleaned out everything but there was a little secret compartment and I opened it up and there was $200 bills I was never so happy in

That's one of my pleasant fucking memories about that. But that King Supers used to put their bags of dog food outside. And I had a dog then, Hercules. And I would just go shopping. And then on the way out, I would just pick up a bag of dog food and walk home. I wouldn't even pay for it. I mean, I'm so fucking ashamed to tell you these stories. There's nothing to do with what happened.

I'm just telling you my connection to this place. They had a seafood department in there. and the guy with some New Orleans, the smoothest, coolest, coolest black dude you've ever met in your life. He loved me and George, and he would make his skewers. He would make swordfish and Mahi-Mahy

and shrimp and peppers and more shrimp, and he would put it in skewers and marinate it in this fucking New Orleans fucking shit. And we would go in there every day, get swordfish steaks, kebabs, and just walk out of the store. Like, I would go, when are they going to find out that we're not we're not paying for this fucking seafood we and george

were eating like fucking kings that's the apartment that i had the house i had where fucking the cops came to get me that's where i lived when the mailman sprayed my fucking dog and i pushed them and the feds came to my house dog i got memories from that fucking neighborhood so you got to understand that that hit me fucking just last night i was like all this shit kept flat lashing up I just I called a friend of mine Manny Tamino who was my friend in Boulder who lives in Belmont, New Jersey. I'm gonna go visit him pretty soon and we talked about Boulder and he was like which one what King Supers was it because we lived when I lived with manny that's where I moved April of 88 before I got sentenced he was my brother man he still is he lived on the main

Boulder he lived in North Boulder manny and there was a king supers on Arapaho boulevard a Arapahoe Road, and that was my king soupers. That's why I used to go and get the goo-to-cheese with the fresh orange sweet juice at night after I'd do comedy, and I would drive to Arapahoe in 55th, and there was an Acura dealer there. I'm the dealer, and I would just sit in my beat-up fucking jalopy, dreaming about the day that Sunday I could afford a fucking Accura, 30-something years old, and I had a beat-up fucking car, piece of shit. But I told many of this, I go, I remember all those King Supers.

but the one in Table Mesa, that one where the shooting was, let me tell you what my biggest memory was from that. That's where I found out I was going to fucking prison. I would shop there. Like I said, every other day I would go over there, whatever, you know, a hamburger, shit like that. But one day I actually went in there. And on my kidnapping, that's why I lived when I kidnapped Vela.

That's where I lived when I got out. And that's why I lived when I started getting my life together, little bit before I went to prison. Up to this point, like I got out in December, and up to that point, I was like, I'm going to beat this case. It had to be like April of 88, and I walked into this King Supers, and I was just walking around the whole, you know, I was looking for whatever the fuck it is I was looking for, and I looked up, and I saw the district attorney in my case.

And I had already been writing letters. You guys know I'm a letter writer. I started writing them letters as soon as I got on the fucking county. You know, I got this fucking address, and I started writing them letters about what happened. I wasn't saying how sorry I was. I wasn't, that was my big problem. I was just writing, whoa, was me letters, you know,

fucking typical junkie shit. That's who I was then. You know, it wasn't my fault. It was a bad day. But nowhere would I cop to it, you know. And I'll never forget that I said, this is my chance to go fucking talk to this guy, you know, face to face with no attorneys or nothing like this. And between you and me guys, he was a good guy. I mean, you guys will want me to say he was a scumbag.

He was going to throw me in prison. He was doing his job. He was a good guy. And I approached him like a man. And I said, I forget what his name is now. I said, excuse me, can I have a word with you? and he goes, you know, because of our situations, we can't really talk, but I'll give you two minutes.

And I said to him, you know, listen, I did what I did. You know, I just played the same broken Joey Dia's record from, you know, what I was doing in those days. It was always everybody else's fault. It was the world's fault. It was that my mom died. It was this. It was that.

It was just fucking excuses. and I give myself, that we all give ourselves. After prison, I stopped doing that excuse. And I copped to whatever the fuck I do. If you do it, you did it, and copped them. Who gives a fuck? Who are they to judge you anyway, you know? But I was dumb at the time.

I was 25 fucking years old. It was 1988. And I went up to him, and I went up with my fucking thing. And they looked at me and he goes, listen, man, I appreciate what you're doing. I appreciate that you're trying to get into college. I appreciate that you got your GED. He goes, I appreciate that you're doing. things but you also have to consider that you did a crime and it was a crime that there could have

been a potential for violence a bullet could have gone off a neighbor could have been shot something it could have been a potential for violence you have to face the fucking music nothing has ever cut my stomach like those words when he said it to me this was way before comedy this was way before people were calling me out you know I lived the life where nobody would call me out because I was fucking nuts I was fucking nuts you know they didn't know what I was gonna do to him or how I was gonna react but this guy said shit to me that he wasn't lying he goes listen man I looked over your folder I looked over the investigative reports and I looked over who the fuck you've been

for the last whatever years he goes you've been chucking and jiving he goes that's your gift and I appreciated that you have that and I appreciate it that you're doing all these things but you've been chucking and driving it's time for you to pay the fucking Piper and I'm sorry to have to be the person to do that I'm really sorry and I apologize to you and in time it'll make you a better person I looked at I'm like how is jail gonna make me a better person when I have options of actually going to college I didn't understand where he was coming from I needed to fucking change. He read me

and I remember we were about a fro, like the frozen aisle food, you know, with the shit that you pick. Like they have my corn dogs and frozen egg rolls and shit like that. There's no windows. I still remember that he was looking through shit and he was telling me this making eye contact.

But when he told me that Chuck and Jive would be lying, like I nearly fucking died because he wasn't lying. He told me the fucking truth. He was like listen, man, it's time for you to fucking pay the piper you've been fucking chucking and jiving moving along all your life he goes i read the reports out of san francisco you had police contact up there you had police

contact in new jersey you had police contact in new york and i've read all these fucking files and uh it's time for you to pay for some of your things i shook his hand i said thank you for your time he shook my hand he told me thank you for understanding and i walked out of there I think George came to me two weeks later and said he wanted to move back to New York that he had gotten an opportunity in framing and that gave me time to think about what that man said to me but that's why this thing in Boulder is just mind-boggling to me. It is something that it's going to continue to happen now. I think there was another, this is the first time in American history that there was two mass shootings

in one week. you know the other one i think was asian it was more of Asians in florida i don't know what happened like i said i'm not up on the news anymore because of how down it brought me you know i tried to avoid yahoo with the fucking plague you know i tried to avoid facebook and the twitter page you know i post and i get the fuck out of there you know like i said this morning i seen the suzanne Summers thing and at least broke the you know I laughed I giggled I giggled at the fucking you know whatever but then there's the reality of things you know numbers are going back up you know whatever's going on in South Beach with people jumping up and

down I mean look what do you expect what do fucking people expect you've had us in a cage for a year you've fucking fucked with us about unemployment you fucked us about race So you fucked with us. I mean, you know, telling us numbers that just don't make sense, telling us things that don't make fucking sense. I'm sitting here the other night with my fucking wife, and she's watching New Jersey 12 for the fucking weather. And I swear to God, we tried to catch it like,

because it starts every half hour on the hour. So you could try to catch the end. But for some reason, we let it run into the 10 o'clock fucking hour. We were doing something. I was at my desk and we were downstairs in the basement. And the guy goes, fucking there's a new variant in Brooklyn you know it's all around Brooklyn

but we're opening up restaurants 75% in New York so yeah people are walking around like what do I believe and what don't I believe mental health guys is at an all time fucking high all time fucking I we could turn our backs on it and we can make believe you know half of you instead of watching this fucking podcast or listen to the podcast

are feeling things that you've never felt before. I am. I am. I can't. If you want, listen, if you want me to sit here and tell you fucking that my world is fucking tremendous, I'll lie to you and tell you that. My wife is healthy.

I'm healthy. My daughter is healthy. They're back in school. I love what I'm doing down here. But I got to be honest with you. The days are long. your mind seems to go into different places because the day is so long and you're not doing what you used to be doing and living. I mean, my life is a little better than what it was than when I got here.

You could see it in my face. I'm happier. I'm healthier. You know, everything around that is working. But for most Americans, it's not a fucking party right now. It's not a fucking party. We're learning how to Zoom. We're learning how to work at home.

We're learning how to deal with our kids not being in school. We're learning how to, we're learning so many fucking different things that it's over fucking overwhelming right now. You know, what vaccine do I take? I mean, we're all trying to do the right thing. We're all trying to do the right thing. We're all trying to fucking to decide what vaccine to take.

But every two days, that's techer is giving you blood clots. This one is giving you this, this one is giving you that. Why can't we just focus on one fucking thing? but every day is a fucking different so americans yes we are having a hard time australia is in lockdown you know the uk is having their fucking problems the world is in a weird fucking spot but never in 2000 fucking listen there's things that have blown my mind completely i never ever ever thought i would ever get in the movie boy was i wrong i never ever ever thought i was going to get married

I'm married again. Boy was I wrong. I never ever wanted another child of the pain that comes with Losing a child like I did you know I never thought that would happen, but never in my fucking life That I think that somebody would go into a supermarket in Boulder the land of sandals People have Birken socks. They don't even want to fucking run if there's a shooter. Never in my life what I think that somebody would take 10 lives in bold on a Monday fucking afternoon in March. Never, never. I saw one guy, this is when I turned off the TV last night

and started practicing the guitar. They interviewed one guy, he was on a street corner, and he goes, he was crying. He was a 30-year-old man crying, saying that he thought he was in the safest place in the world, that he never thought he would lose his life over getting a fucking soda.

I mean, and this is the same way I feel. Listen, crime went up 61% now. You're going to hear about shootings there. You know, Minneapolis is just waiting to blow. You know, St. Louis is a racial hotbed right now. You know, Miami, I mean, we have all these spots. I expect that.

Texas is the land of guns. I love Texas. You know, it's the land of guns. Colorado's the land of guns. They have it make my day law, which I love myself. I live by it till this day. If I see your leg come through my window,

I just sit there with a gun and aim up and shoot at you, you know. I mean, I love all these laws and stuff like that, but I don't like people taking 10 fucking lives of people who are just shopping. There were people getting COVID, people online getting a fucking COVID test waiting to get a fucking COVID test so I hate it to come at this gloom with you but it's there I have to address this elephant in the room and tell you how I feel about it because it did hit me fucking hard you know listen man when that fucking kid got shot the lady Gaga kid I don't know him I have no I don't know him I've never met him I've never met Lady Gaga's dogs you know it's not like I know these people But Doug, I didn't feel good that week.

Why? I walked those streets. I used to walk those streets in Boulder with Josh Wolf and Ralphy and Doug Stanhope and Mitch. Sure, it's going to affect me. That could have been only one of us. I mean, God, none of us lived there no more. Ralphie's dead, Mitch is dead. Doug is in fucking, you know, Arizona.

I'm here. It doesn't matter. It has to affect me in a certain way. I lived there. I walked those streets. Those were my neighbors. You know, that was my 7-Eleven. That was my liquor store.

That was my gym there. That was where Justin Fortune's gym was with Nacopholi and all my friends there. Sure, I'm going to react a certain way. But this, you know, this in L.A., they're shooting people for a fucking watch in Beverly Hills. I understand. But Boulder, the Homonor Europa Institute, half the people there are Buddhist. Half the people there are fucking, and I hate to say this because they just had a tragedy, but they're like fake hippies.

But it's a land of love. It's like it really is. They're trust fund hippies. They got beards and things and they don't cut their fingernails and they wear dirty clothes but then you see them hide their Audi. They're $80,000 Audi.

And you're like, how the fuck are you a hippie? And they hate corporate America and they hate all this shit. They're just rich kids that are confused. But still, not confused enough to shoot 10 people at a fucking supermarket. They're just, you know, little fucking. hippie kids man it just uh sucks the fucking energy out of me i mean i i even thought about calling my

ex-wife and checking it just because and i know that they don't live in south bold they're not even close to it but brother this this is no bueno for a guy like me this is uh like i said i called my friend my man mike roebuck i called manny and the last guy called it after the guitar lessons was George George was working and we spoke last night about it like how what the fuck is going on you know but hey it's life today it's why I come on here once a week to break up them twice a week to break up the fucking monotony and just talk to you about life and the stupid things we fucking encounter you know but this is what's going on today guys and I hope that if you're feeling if you're feeling we

or in any way reach out reach out to somebody I'm sick of telling you people this you don't have to feel this way you don't deserve to feel this way this you know you have friends I don't care if you have to you know now you I love to tell you you you have friends you go to the supermarket but you can't even do that anymore I mean you don't know what is going to pop off what area is going to pop off and that's what's got me all fucked up you know like I said I hate to bring this up during a podcast playing whatnot especially after the great time we have with Greg Fitzsimmons. I'm happy you people enjoyed that.

You can actually see, you know, I watched 10 to 15 minutes of that podcast. And I'm happy you're enjoying these things and whatnot and they help you. But I'm also looking at me in these things. Every day, you know, Mike posts an old clip from the church and he posts a clip from whatever. And I look at both clips.

And I see the change. I'm not talking about the losing the world. I'm not talking about the bags are on my eyes. I'm not talking about my hair getting grayer. I'm not talking about that stuff. I can actually see the interchange that I, the weight that fell off my fucking shoulders. I could feel all that.

I was in a toxic environment and I didn't fucking even know it. And I wasn't in a, like, like it wasn't a toxic environment in my marriage. It was the toxic environment. And my friends, it wasn't a toxic environment and what I was doing. It was just a whole big picture of comedy of what was going on and the fucking deals that were getting cut

and what comics were worried about and what I was worried about and what I should have been doing in the first place. You know, when I moved, I didn't know it was going to have, I didn't know I was going, I was in at this deep. I didn't find out until I landed here how bad my head was in the shape

I was in emotionally and mentally and this is just worked out for me 150 fucking percent, you know, and I'm here to add levity to your lives. You know, I try to be funny on some episodes. Some episodes I come here and we just talk, you know, that's all we could do.

And maybe just this hour will be something that you've been thinking about that I touch on. And yes, you know, it's just a scary time for us. Now I got to tell you about the second batch of bad news I got yesterday. So I went off the fucking pain pills. I threw away the fucking oxycodons. They hit me with Vicodins. I didn't touch the Vicodin's for two days.

I started getting a little pain on that Wednesday. And then I took like Vicodinans for two days and that was it. I fought off the pain. I got to tell you some guys. last week for some reason like one of the days Mike was here had unusual pain did I take a pain no I took some of leaves and I rubbed CBD line on my leg and fucking you know I put ice on my leg I got a fucking you know the other thing I've been using towards this is a company that Nate uh Nate Ellenberger is part of like a Voltage he sent me to

gun two years ago when he did the podcast he sent me a knee brace that heats up and vibrates you know i've been doing that for the pain i did everything i could but i knew that something wasn't right with my knee when i would take a shower i'd take two showers a day when i would take a shower i dry off because fuck the other day i took off my knee braces and i smelled them who i didn't know my knee stunk that fucking bad because it's so fucking dry here that the skin my skin comes off when I pulled so if I'm gonna do like a something like if I'm gonna have like a long day and walking around I actually put knee braces on my right leg and my left leg I got the advice from thomas sugar thank God and the doctor told me I had to do the same so whenever I take off my

fucking knee braces I bought two pair I don't know I smell them just you know I don't know the same way I smell my underwear I don't fucking know you know you gotta smell your odors to know that you're a fucking disgusting animal. So I smell my fucking knee brace and they smell bad. So what I do is I rub cream. I rub, I get like a healthy cream

and I rub it on. And then I have CBD line. I rub a 1,000 milligrams on both knees and I let it air dry before I put my underwear and whatnot. So whenever I rubbed last week, when I was rubbing my knee, I saw that there was a little bruising.

Mike, you're going to shit when I tell you. I saw it there was a little bruising So what did I do last week? I called the doctor last week Because when I wake up in the morning I feel that my leg is like a little baby elf Like it just feels a little crooked When I wake up in the morning, it's tight

When I get up, I walk around a little bit I make my coffee and then I come down And I throw ice on it And my first 15 minutes where I clear my head out I just open the back door I look out if it's sunny out I go outside and I put the ice on my leg And I just clear out my mind

to, you know, to see what I'm going to do for the day. And then once the 20 minutes of the ice, I get my notebook and I journal and I fucking go into it. So I called the fucking, the one day, it was just getting worse in the mornings. I'm like, what the fuck is this? That my leg, I mean, it straightens out. Remember I told you last week I went to PT?

They fucking straightening, they twisted, they found no problems with it. But there was a little pain. And when I came home again, no pain pills, I leave and fucking, the bullshit. So I asked my doctor last week, two days in a row, for a drug that I cannot pronounce corticosum.

It's a muscle relaxer. It's like if anybody knows the name of it, correct me. Like I said, I'm not a pharmacist. I'm not here to tell you the correct names of shit. It's a pill they gave me in the beginning in the hospital. And I asked him and he goes, make sure you take this along with the pain medication. It's not a pain medication.

You're not going to get high. But it's like a muscle relaxer. It'll loosen up your air. year blah blah so I kept calling them last week because I ran out of it and I thought that's what it was so I called him I called him I called him nothing this motherfucker doesn't send me in the prescription he sends me an appointment he goes come back and see me Monday so I go to a fucking doctor Monday they do all these x-rays they clear me but then the assistant knocked on the fucking door and she comes in she goes I want you to look at something does your leg hurt here here and they started poking

of my leg and he poked somewhere and I'm like ah and he goes okay they looked at the x-rays and then they said you might have tore something can we do another x-ray to see so I went back in the fucking room and they fucking did another x-ray from a different angle and the guy goes listen this is what happened your knee is fine your knee is 100% knock on wood you did all the right things but somewhere along the line you ripped like a small tendon in there that contributes to that pain to that leg being fucking whatever so tomorrow morning at 6 a.m. It's just a two-hour procedure. It's like putting a camera up your ass, that same colonoscopy. If they use that same anesthesia, it's not going to be, listen, I'll be home by fucking 10, 10.30.

11 o'clock it's just a little slit just they're gonna zip it up and they're gonna send me home I don't need any opiates afterward but I won't be able to fucking stand for more than like 10 minutes 15 minutes of the time for maybe two or three weeks that's what's been hurting me on the side so because of that I'm pushing the uncle Vinny shows I am fucking sorry about this this is out of my control Last week they were closed because somebody went in there with fucking COVID and they were scared. So Vinny wanted to Dino, the owner, who's a great guy, wanted to protect everybody. So we closed it last week.

This week we got more bad news, my fucking knee. So I'll be out of commission for a few weeks. We're still going to be doing the podcast. But it's just some time. It's the T something. You know, years ago, I don't know if you guys know of a guy named Mark the Mark the podcast. Mark Donafio was a great football player. He's a lot little he's 10 years younger than me, but I grew up with his older brother Mark was a great football player got drafted by Green Bay

Started as a lineback and got a signing bonus big deal the whole fucking thing and he ripped Not your groin muscle, but a certain muscle in his groin area This is the fucking weirdest thing. This is what it made me think of He ripped this muscle that only water skiers could rip. Only people who water ski ripped this muscle. It's like a little tiny fucking muscle

that no, it's like, the fucking chances of you ripping this muscle are like a thousand of fucking one. Mark Donofield ripped the fucking muscle. A year off, it was that much of that, you had to go deep in there, mend it,

and then it was, he had to learn how to walk again, the whole fucking thing. And guess what happened? He went to fucking play the next season, and he ripped the exact same muscle on the other fucking side. People have deficiencies. Who the fuck knows?

You know, I'm not a muscle terror. I tore my hamstring last year when I slipped at the comedy store. And now this fucking thing. So what we're going to do is this. We're going to push back the shows for a few weeks, see how the leg feels. And I'm also going to get vaccinated in the meantime. Yes, I'm probably going to take a Johnson and Johnson because I'm a pussy,

but you got to give me credit that at least I'm trying. And then we will go out 100%. I think I'll feel a little better and going back to Vinnie's doing a little, what do you call that, what I was doing before, every Wednesday. Working out. Just working out. Just every fucking week, just working out. I think it's time, and that's it. I'll just keep it simple.

But I'm very sorry if you had plans this week and next week, And if you had plans last week, it's fucking COVID. And, you know, this is why I tell people, I'm living my life day to fucking day. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. You know, I'm out of fucking fortune balls, whatever the fuck that called. Fortune cookies?

No, not fortune cookies. Oh, the Magic A-Balls? No, just the regular fucking balls that, you know, tell you the future, I'm out of them. And I don't know nobody who's working on theirs either. So it's a day-to-day thing, this life. That's why when people call me now, can you, bro, it's a day-to-day fucking thing.

Who the fuck knows? You know, I call you to set something up and I've had so many fucking things fall apart lately, you know, because of stupid things, not just, and I don't get mad at them. Guys, you cannot get mad at people for getting COVID. You can't get mad at a school because a student, you know, I stop getting mad. Let's get through this. Let's now there's a variant. Let's get through the fucking variant.

and we can move forward like fucking normal people. But until this happens, I don't know what to tell you. You know, I see all these schedules. I see all these people with big plans, fucking, you know, arenas are opening back up, tours are getting announced. But you're telling me on one hand all this shit's happening. But on the other hand, you're telling me we're only going to be a 50% in these fucking big arenas this summer.

So I don't know if these bands are going to fly out. I know for a fact, somebody told me that that Def Leopard, Molley, The root thing is on. Oh, really? Yeah, it's on in Florida, April. This is what I heard. I do not know. Do not quote me.

I'm not a fucking concert promoter. I'm just letting you know that nobody knows nothing. Nobody knows nothing. It's a day-to-day fucking world right now, and this is what you've got to live with. I'm sorry if you had plans. You know, I had plans too. If you think I'm excited about fucking going in there tomorrow

and going through this shit again, you're fucking wrong you know I talked to Patrick from the stand we were talking he was telling me about a situation where he had a friend that did the surgery and they had to go back a year later because your knee gets infected I don't know I've tried to avoid everything I can't I've tried to work out I've tried to eat clean I'm drinking water like a motherfucker I'm taking my fucking supplements I'm cutting down on the weed 50% as hard as that seems you could tell look at my eyeballs they're fucking clean guys I'm I'm I'm trying my fucking artist here because I knew that if I kept with the edibles and the fucking band-aids, I wasn't going to make any progress. And that wasn't going to help you guys. And that's not going to help me. I want you to listen to my words on what I'm telling you right now. Clear your head. If you feel that your mind is controlling you or taking you into a different place, do a restart.

Get that notebook. Get that notebook out. Get a restart. I talk to somebody. Call people that you love. Call people that you trust. Do a Zoom. I can't tell you.

Listen, I fucking hate Zoom more than I hate hummus. You understand me? No. I hate Zoom. All right. All right. I'm lying. Yeah, I'm sorry, Mike.

I'm sorry. I don't do that. Fucking. Fucking. I hate Zoom, but I tell you what, I fall in love with Zoom. Because I get to see my friends again. Yeah. So it has been, that has brought a fucking smile to my face, you know.

So all these things have changed this, but in a way for the better. Like we've all changed, we've had to make adjustments. Some of us have made them, you know, if you thought I wanted to end the church, I never wanted to end the church, but I had no choice. It was time to move forward. There was so many little things that it was time to regroup and move the fuck forward. We've all had to go through things. So listen, man, right, you know, I say it at the end of my draft kings read.

And I fucking mean it. If you have a gammon problem, call 1-800 get help. It sounds like a joke, and I make it a joke just alleviate it. But I'm not. If you guys in your heart feel that you need to talk to somebody, pick up that call. There's no stigma attached. Dog, I've had a call. a thousand people to get to the root of my fucking problem.

I didn't know what it was, but I knew by rapping, I could fucking figure this out. I had to get to the root of this. I wanted to know why I was feeling the way I was. What was making me take anxiety pills? What was making me fucking eat 1,000 milligrams of THC by fucking lunchtime? What was making me do all these things?

What was making me take fucking, you know, a thousand those pills to fall asleep at night i had knocked myself out i'm not like most people i want to know the answers i look so i look within you have to look within you have to blame yourself look within and go what the fuck am i doing to myself why is this happening you know i've been getting emails from people joey ormond a couple of guys i'm quitting smoking pot i do not blame you i do not blame you i want you to get in touch of yourself i want you to get in touch of your true feelings I'm getting emails from people that they quit in booze. I'm not blaming you.

Give it a chance. Get to know the real you. Just for one week. Get to know the real you. For me, listen, I smoke in the morning for appetite. But for obstruction purposes, I'm not smoking. I'm working out. I'm going on walks.

I'm working on the guitar. I talk on the phone with Erica. We're putting the book together. Thank God the fucking proposal is ready. these are all little achievements that are little achievements, but they're big to me, and they make me go one more day. Do things that I'm going to make you go one more day.

What could make me go one more day? If it's talking to this person on the phone, I don't care if you pull up to their house and talk to them social distance, 10 feet away. The weather is warming up now. You can do that. But there's no reason that you should be feeling what you should be feeling.

I am not the type of guy. that would ever tell you to go see a therapist. But after this year, from what I've seen and what I've heard in people's voices and what I've read on the internet and the messages I'm getting from you, I tell you, I see these things online, these Zoom psychiatrists that you could talk to,

guys, that's an option. If you think I'm in the city and call you a fucking Momo because you talk to somebody to get out, I might goof on you a little bit, but I'm not meeting that. that from my heart. I want you to feel the best that you could feel. You have to feel the best that you could feel right now. I'm doing everything I can and my power to loosen up. I mean, my house is great. Knock on wood. Listen, I love my wife more than I've ever loved to. Thank God, because some people

aren't that lucky. I looked at her and I knew that we could either go to fucking blows or we could work together and make this house the best that it can be. I'm not talking about my big screen TVs. I'm not talking about by furniture or swimming pools or a butler. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the inside. This is what I said in the beginning of this thing. This is going to give you everybody a chance to take you.

You have to act proper on the outside, but most importantly, the same way you act. inside your home. Inside your home has to be fucking tip-top Magoo or everything else's background fucking music. I always work, I grew up in a house that was shit. So I know what it is to feel shitty because your house is shitty.

Your mom's shitty, your dad and your mom don't talk, you know, all that. I went through all that. We've never gotten into those conversations yet because we never had to, but in the book I've been writing and I've been thinking about it. That's why I knew.

what family I wanted. You know, my mother dying gave me a chance to live with different families and see different families and different family dynamics. I knew what I wanted my family to be happy. I didn't want a house that there was anger. I don't want my daughter growing up around that at all. I didn't want a house where my daughter grows up and sees the mother and father fighting all the time over stupid shit.

I don't want that type of house. That's not what I want. I want a loving home and I want to feel that and extend that to you guys. So please, if you're feeling something that you feel awkward,

you know, I mean, listen, those therapy things like 35 bucks, I've seen them really fucking cheap, you know, online. I think it's time for some people

to actually talk to people. It's secure too. It's through telehealth, not Zoom. It's like a totally different thing. Guys, I'm telling you. You know,

people are going through things. There's no stigma. I read these emails. I'm not a therapist. I try to give you love and push you in the right direction, but it's time to take care of ourselves. It really is. I'm not talking about jumping jacks and whatever.

I'm talking about your mind because mental health is on an all-time fucking rise. So if it's listening to me, if it's me emailing back and forth with you. If there's anything I can do to help, you know, I'm here to talk. You know, I answer emails on Facebook. I answer Twitter emails. If you think you want a little bit more personalized and you want to join Patreon, we're covered there.

But I just want you to really take care of yourselves this time of the year right now. Don't think the party's over. Don't think that this is it. We're done. It's spring. Let's go out and fucking. jump up and down. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not, don't get too fucking excited yet. We're not out of the fucking weeds yet. Let's let this summer pass by. Let's keep our eye on the fucking prize. Let's see what goes on this summer. And then you could start doing whatever you want. You know me, I'm covered. I'm going to be here every Monday and Wednesday.

Now I got no choice. Now with my leg down, I'm going to fucking be down. So I'm going to work harder on this. I'm going to try to get some great guests for you guys. I've been reaching out to people. You know, I like the Zoom fucking experience for you guys. I like the balance. We're giving you a hybrid podcast right now.

This is what it is. You've got a guest. You get me one day. If you don't like me, Jerry, go fuck yourself. We're only going to listen on Monday. That's fine, too. You don't mean. My feelings have been hurt.

You can't. Sticks and stones will break my bones. Words will never help. Hurt me at this point in the fucking game. So whatever you want to do is fine with me. I'm throwing you a hybrid podcast. and we're going to keep growing right before your eyes. A lot of this Skyde-Gat podcast is up to episode three on Patreon.

It is what it is. My Spanish is good. This week we spoke about Bougarones, which is those guys that are, that mess with gay guys. They're like gay guys suck their dick, and they fuck gay guys in the ass, but they don't suck dick and they don't get fucked in the ass.

It's just a certain thing that happened to, yeah, it's a Cuban thing that goes back to the prisons. don't get involved and I know nothing about it. I just talked about it on the fucking, I know this Scott got because we're listening to music and I was telling stories about San Francisco and 85 and whatnot. But I'm here for you guys. And I know what I went through and it wasn't fun.

And I was open about it with you guys as much as I could. I hope you guys are open with somebody. Take one thing from me. Listen, I'm just a loser fucking dirty comic. I'm not a celebrity. I'm not a movie star. I'm not anything, but I will tell you one thing. I use my friends for what they're there for to talk.

You have friends, you have family. Don't be shy, don't worry. Talk to them. Let them know what you're feeling. Let them know what you're going through. We're here for you, man. We're here for one another, especially these tough times. And you, as a human being, like I told you,

It's not about money. It's not about fame. It's not about being cool. It's about making somebody's fucking day. Taking two minutes away with somebody. Maybe a smile. You know what a smile could do for somebody? Just a simple fucking smile.

Just like, how the fuck are you doing? Just a smile to help somebody. That's the hand we're playing right now. We're taking care of ourselves and we're making somebody's day. Beyond that, I don't know what else to tell you. Thank you for watching today. thank you for following I hope you enjoyed the Greg Fitzsimmons one

I did I laugh my balls off the fucking story about my daughter with the fucking Archie Bunker with the chink is true I'm sorry if I offended anybody I didn't mean to offend anybody that was the humor back in the 70s

and that's just the way it goes but listen guys I love you guys I do not have COVID if you hear that rumor I do not have COVID and I'm just getting this thing done to my leg tomorrow morning and we're going to move forward. Thank you very much for listening.

Thank you for watching. Thank you for being here. Thank you for supporting. And now for a word from our motherfucking sponsors. By the way, Boulder, God bless you. Thank you. There was a reason why I never went back to Bold and that's because I acted like a shit.

And I always felt guilty. Last time I was in Boulder was in, 98 when my wife didn't show up with my daughter and just I got to walk around Boulder and see what I had done and even all my trips to Denver. I never went back to Boulder because I was ashamed of what I did. So I just want to tell the residents of Boulder, the universe of Boulder and the mountains of Boulder. I'm very sorry for my behavior and that someday when I feel that I've gone through my, my probationary period of not being allowed back in Boulder I will go back and say I'm sorry to the mountains personally

I love you Boulder, Colorado I'm very sorry you went through this for everybody else have a great weekend and I'll see you Monday the 29th fucking Easter week whatever the fuck it is next week so it's a good week for Catholics I love you cock suckers and now for a word from our sponsors you cock suckers thank you very much for listening this wednesday i know this was a a weird podcast today it is what it is you got to cover all the fucking bases but

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