The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 05/01/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #76

Episode Date: May 1, 2013

Rudy Sarzo, legendary bassist who has played with Ozzy Osbourne, Quiet Riot, and Whitesnake, to name a few, calls in. We were also lucky enough to have comedy legend Bobby Slayton calll in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. Streamed live on 05/01/2013

Oh shit. Oh, shit, may be able to start. Come on. Dead fucking. Get notes. Oh shit. Relax and take notes. Are you fucking kidding me?

It's Wednesday, May 1st, motherfuckers. You got something to do. Get up. Write your goals. Do a jumping jack. Take a shit. Eat an apple. Do something.

It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Wednesday May 1st little biggie what go brother let me see you wiggle look at Lee wiggling you got the camera on you yeah I got this camera on what's coming on I wanted to see that Lee wiggles whoa are you fucking kidding me or what fucking biggie small open up the church of what's happening now May 1st Lee Syatt the fucking house a.k.a. to flying Jew and shit Uncle Joey D is here putting it

fucking down Like I said Austin bound Can't wait to get down A fucking Texas game Fucking 18 pounds dog Yeah you're fucking fired up You've been giving me shit

From like the second you walk in the door today You're slipping You didn't go in the fucking pool yesterday I called you at 3 o'clock You sit on the fucking couch like Buddha Waiting for a fucking takeout order You gotta get in that pool That pool is right out there

It's four feet I wish I had a pool in my fucking backyard I look like an x-ray It's no impact You just run back And forth. I'm lazy, dude. I work full time.

You don't work full. You sit and look at video with these glasses. Yeah, that's working. That's my work. You got to do jumping tracks. You got to get the mud going on. You talk about. But I'm out there.

I'm fucking out there walking around. I walked around two fucking hours yesterday. I pushed you a fucking crib cock sucker. Yeah, but you said, oh, I just realized I'm not counting the points for the fucking 18 edibles that eat a day. I'm a little fucking piece of thing. What's the matter with you 18 hours? What?

You have a little bit of you. It's four edibles a day. Yeah, but I don't eat like a cookie. Yes, you do? No, I never eat pot cookies. You never say me eat a pot cookie? You eat chocolate bars? I don't go to the ones.

The bang bars are fucking little regular size. Bang bars are 180 calories. Did you know that? Not much, you know what the 180 calories are? Three fucking weight watcher points. Get it together. Yeah, we eat three of them. No, I don't eat three of them.

I eat one. I eat a cheap boat chew. Yes, I didn't eat no edibles. I went. I walked around for two hours in the morning. I did the fucking epileptical by my, by myself in the evening because I had a fucking meeting

in Hollywood last and I had to go down there to Aroma. Let me tell you, if you're on the sunset strip, yeah, you go to Dan Tanners and get a steak. Go to fucking Arama with the Israeli people. Yeah, that's good. That fucking place, let me tell you, I've never had a bad meal there. It's always, you know, it's not as back there

as you used to be. I don't think they sell machine guns, the Israelis. You go to buy a fucking grenade and get a chicken cutlet sandwich. That's the Jews, Jack. Yeah. Jews don't fuck around.

They go in there by a pet rock, a machine gun, and a fucking drip. Ari had he had the Israeli food He really went crazy He had like the hummus He was getting sick to my fucking stomach That's like coffee bean or Starbucks in Israel

That's all over the place Really? Aromas? Yeah Delicious I brought desserts home From my wife woke her up She got up Had some coffee with me I didn't eat no dessert

She had the fucking dessert Because I got to, she takes it to work And they split it You know how girls eat a dessert Divided by fucking 19 Me I inhale One of those desserts Is a fucking appetize

I was looking at the tie I got a tear in me and Black Forest cake. They always got great desserts there. I'm not a dessert guy, though. I'm never really been a... I'm a Carvel fucking motherfucking milk-shaped type of. Oh, shit.

I work across the street from a Carvel. Do you? In Santa Monica? Yeah. But that place is a rip-off. I know where you were. Yeah. That guy is like a...

See, what happened with Carvel was that people franchised it that weren't fans of Carvel. Okay. They were fans of the investment. There's a Dairy Queen up in Northridge owned by fucking Arabs. They don't know about fucking...

I got nothing against Arabs. They're nice people. Every time I go there, but they never had Derry Queen growing up, so they don't know what the fucking tastes like. Yeah. They don't have the loop in the top. That's the biggest thing.

Yeah. You know, when you go to Carvel now, they don't have, like, they have a Carvel in Phoenix at the airport, $6 a fucking cone. I don't eat Carvel in two places. Jersey and the Syracuse, New York. Why Syracuse? They have a fucking badass Carvel in Syracuse, New York.

They're a dead-end road up there, cold, just in that area. It's cold. Like the sun could be all over the city, but on that block, it's snowing. There's a business and shit. Fucking I love it. You go in there, you get a, and I was always a thin shake type of motherfucker. Oh, you don't like it thick?

No, disgusting. Oh, I love it. Nice and fucking thin like milk. Vanilla shake, a black and white. Oh, I love. That's my. That's mine. Come on now.

In the summer, you get yourself a little cone with a fucking baseball helmet. Yeah. Remember that? The fuck. Lee, what the fuck guy? You know what I'm saying? It's fucking. Last night I was going down to this meeting.

It's funny because, uh, I got to start with one of these every day just in my head. It's funny because I always keep bad luck with me. Yeah. You know, a lot of people, they really, really, really do live their lives, and they wear whatever bad happened to them. Nothing bad happened to me. I made

something bad happen to happen. You follow me? Mm-hmm. So, mm-mm-mm. His weed is fantastic. I really like smoking weed in the morning. I already had an apple. I couldn't tell. I love it. You don't say. This is the highest I get all fucking day.

I get Blitz Creek in the morning. I love it. And if I was home right now, I'd be drinking coffee, fucking smoking with that door closed. My wife has to knock on the door now. You know your babies? I'm fucking in here puffing like a savage. The fucking room is yellow. In the morning, I love it.

It's the beginning of the day. You're happy. You got a fucking plan. Right out. You plan what you're going to do. How are you going to do it? Who you're going to see? Who are you going to call?

Bam! It's fucking Wednesday. Next thing you know, you got 100 hours in your pocket and you get some shoes. Whatever the fuck is it? You want to go to go to do a cheeseburger. But it's funny I was going to meet with these people at Roma last night. On the drive down, I was thinking about the nine months after I got arrested. You know, like when you know, like when you get out of from bail, you know where you stand.

So the arrest in Colorado? Right. So it was 88 when I got arrested in November of 88. And I got out of jail December 1st. So it was the holidays. And I stumbled upon the worst luck in my life. Like karma just flipped. Like my name came out.

on the paper where I was working they didn't want me there the old job didn't want me I had to go out to Long Mount Colorado about two weeks ago my house got robbed somebody stole mine and George's television on a VCR was all we fucking had you know that was it my life was going to change

so I was going to start watching more movies then George decided he was going to go back and it was funny how I didn't know when the sentencing was going to be I had already my preliminary I got out December 1st okay they didn't give me a preliminary hearing is when you officially get charged Okay.

All right. And then from there, you work your fucking plan, you know. And from me growing up with Juan and my mother, and they would always get arrested for numbers. I always knew what the plan was. You got to walk a straight line. You got to go to better. You got to do everything you can to turn it around. The thing I did was when you get, when you're in trouble with the law or anything like that,

I knew that the judge had to get letters sent to him. And I had read a book years earlier telemarketing in the 80s. Now it's a different book. probably something they've evolved with it because I went looking for it. But he made a really interesting point in there. He said, when people die, they only make 250 mask cards. Okay. So everybody knows 250 people.

Yeah. That's on an average. So when you get in trouble and you're going in front of a judge, that judge has aspirations for politics. So every time you send a letter to him saying hi, I'm writing on behalf of Lee Syatt. I grew up with Lee. We used to fucking Black Bang chicks.

you know, bang black chicks together. Whatever the fuck you want to write. We used to go to temple together. I don't think he would ever get in trouble again. He knows if he sends you to jail, it's 250 people that are going to be mad. 250 people are not going to vote from. The thinking gets different.

Yeah. When you're in politics. Everything is 250 people. 250 people is an election. Yeah, and those 250 people each know 250. So what I would do is I had everybody I know to send that motherfucker letters. If I would go to Ralph Super Bowl,

market and I talked to the fucking lady at the checkout I go how long have I been coming here three months do me a favor send this guy a letter about character references when he got the court from my sentencing he had a fucking folder oh really I fucked his head up like I fucked them up plus his brother was a dentist and my buddy had been good friends with that dentist okay so he went he goes I'll do it just this one time for you and he went and talked to the dentist and he goes you got to do this talk to your brother and the dentist said you're putting me in a bad position as our friendship and he goes, trust me, this kid will never get in trouble again. And that's what really spawned me.

Like I had a lot of belief then that I had just, this was just a bad day when I kidnapped this guy. Me, knowing the piece of shit that I was, this wasn't a bad day. I knew exactly what the fuck I had done that day. I didn't know it was going to turn into the extent that I thought me tying a guy up and taking his coat wasn't kidnapping one. Nobody fucking really knows. It's not like you're calling the attorney and you go, hey, I'm thinking of robbing this guy

that I'm going to bring a machine gun with another guy with handcuffs. What's the charge if I get caught? Yeah. But I remember coming out on bail. You come out on a thing called bail, and you're out there, and you go to a preliminary hearing. And after the preliminary hearing, I basically went to fucking work. But guess what happens to me? What?

Just the way God works. George goes back to Jersey. George says he doesn't want to stay out to know because he lost his job. Okay. And in Boulder, nobody makes over seven bucks an hour in these days, so you had to steal. George had a scam at the car lot. My roommate, he was renting out cars, and he was renting out plates, the strippers. So they could drive.

So George was making $6,700 on the side, plus the $2,300 amount of the lot. That's good money. Once he lost that, he wasn't going to replace that money. He had bills, so he left. So I had to get a roommate. What a fucking coincidence. This kid's from my hometown.

Really? He's from North Bergen. He's from a place called Guttenberg, which is a little town one mile. It's next to North Bergen. It's really a North Bergen, but they call it Guttenberg. If you look in, whatever the thing,

the world, the world records. Okay. In the 70s and 80s, Guttnberg was known because it has the most bars per capita in that area. It had a bar every three doors. Okay.

It was one of those little towns. And who was it all right here? About your roommate and car? So he was my roommate, so I move him with this guy. You know, we start talking. We knew some of the same people, but he was way older than me. Okay. Like if I was 28, he was 48.

He's still alive in Jersey. But this guy drove a cab. He was a part-time school teacher, but he was also a part-time Coke dealer. I didn't know this when I moved in with him. You just figure it out. We'd be sitting there watching TV, and a guy would come and they'd both go into a room,

and then he would walk around at night. That's how I knew. So I would see what area of the house he would hang out in, and he started, he would get ounces of Coke. And I was robbing this guy. I would buy a gram from him and take three from him. Jesus. I mean, my addiction was out of fucking control.

But it was so weird how I was living this fucking Lee Syatt type of life. For me to con this judge, I had to work it straight. I was working at Hertz I was in the manager trainee program at Hertz which basically meant I washed cars and drove cars at different locales I worked my ass off

I worked 10 hours a day I would get up at 4.30 in the morning like I'd do now I was 28 years old Okay And even if I did Coke till 4 At 4.30 I would get up Jerk off in the shower

Whatever the fuck I needed to do to wake up And I take my bicycle to the master swimming program because I knew when I was going to prison I wanted to be in tip top shape And I want to get my fighting in tip top shape I joined this club called the Butterfly Club in Boulder where the guy was crazy. He would make you swim and then Fridays and Saturdays you live sparred. Okay.

The guy got chased out of Boulder because they said he was like a cult leader. He wanted to create a cult of like a cell. Like he was trying to put, there was more to his madness. His madness was insane. This guy would fucking make you spar and a lot of people. What up thing got hurt. So a lot of people complained about him. They chased him a lot of Chautauqua Park.

This was in Boulder. And I did that I learned how to fucking I lifted weights I had a punching bag I mean my life was surrounded I knew I was going to prison There was no way

Two ways about it The problem was how long was I gonna go to prison I was just gonna ask If you knew like why wouldn't you just like I'm gonna have fun until I go in No I wanted to be fucking prepared Was nobody I didn't know people gonna fuck me in the ass

I gotta work out of that rut You can't Okay I'm for a guy like me I was still snorting and I had a girlfriend, but I wasn't out partying. I mean, I was partying in my house doing push-ups. It was fucking crazy.

But I joined the master's swimming program. I would fucking swim Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays from 6 to 7. Lee, we would pull up, and there'd be a mountain of snow shoveled. You'd have to walk through the fucking snow with your bikini on. These motherfuckers didn't fuck around. The pool was heated, so once you jumped in the pool, the pool was warm. Yeah, okay. That's still pretty crazy.

But you had to walk from the clubhouse to the pool with no. fucking t-shirt on, with the slippers on ice and shit. So you're out to the pool as an outdoor pool then. That's fucked up. It's real fucked up. My name was Jane. She didn't fuck around this lady. She was a white chick that was in the Olympics or something, cute, big legs.

She didn't fuck around. But anyway, the point of the story is that I never forgot that. I never forgot those nine months. I even wrote it out and I read it once a week, what I wrote out. Those nine months of how I prepared to go down. Like, you... They told me every attorney I pay it's a look at, bro. You can pay me $300,000.

They found the machine got. You're doing time. You're doing something. Yeah. You're doing 90-day minimum. But you're doing something. But it's weird how I prepared myself and how I never mind-fucking myself. I knew I was going away.

I just, but it's a weird way of living. Like every morning when I wake up, I was still in a good mood, but I knew that this was not going to last. Okay. I knew I would get the call eventually, you know, and they kept saying, July they kept saying you're gonna get sentence in June you know and I kept pushing it back I kept paying extra money it's so weird how I lucked out with that case I lucked out

with that in so many ways because somebody would go Joey how the fuck did you luck out I was just gonna say yeah you were charged with kidnapping one and two okay let me tell you how I lucked that I had a certain amount of money for an attorney now the one thing I knew how to hire was an attorney I know how to buy time in situations when there's a victim you're buying time especially when he's a fucked up victim Kent Vela wasn't a victim he was a fucking junkie that was playing a fucking dirty game

and he got backfied on him and that's what happens when you're a dirty junkie and a dirty game of cocaine you know it's not like nobody's a bad person this is what happens when you're dealing with fucking addictions at that level you can't fuck around

they will fucking knock you to fuck out you will get robbed you go out there and stick your neck out like that so you explain to me like you you had an attorney and then right when he was about to happen like he fired him

and then you get a new one. I fired him and I bought six more months. But the problem was that Vela got arrested first. So he automatically got a public defender. Okay. Okay. Vela got arrested second. He got a public defender from the victim side.

So not Vela, the first guy, your partner got arrested. My partner got arrested. And then Vela got arrested. So Vela was handled by the prosecution. I'm sorry. There was no attorney law. So since you can't have two attorneys, from the public defender's office can't represent you

because that's conflict of interest. They have to go outside that circle and get you a good attorney. Okay. So the state had to pay for me a fucking badass attorney. So I worked the fucking state to the last minute

of the fucking decibel. I got myself a good attorney even though I saved money for an attorney in case this fucked up. So I caught a break that way. That saved me $80,000 $80,000. Instead of the cost of me, 80 and they'll cost me 17.5. You follow me because there was things

he didn't cover. But things like that where I lucked out, I discovered swimming and discovered working out again. There were so many positives that I got from that one fucking negative. And yes, there was a victim involved. Ken Vello was involved and I feel bad from him, but no, I fucking don't. Because when

shit went down with me in 1978, not even. Like, right after my mother died, like I got involved in a weed scam where I ended up getting robbed. by some black dudes in Camden, New Jersey. And they did it, Lee, like professionals. I thought I knew it.

I thought I was a bad motherfucker because these guys robbed me like professionals. I've never heard this story. Yeah, yeah, because I don't really remember the pictures of it. It was me and Didi Contrero, and he was no fucking genius. He had cut the details to this weed deal. I'm like, are you serious? So the weed deal and entitled, like, let's just say in those days, Thai weed was 1,600 a pound.

I'm just throwing figures out there, people. Don't email me later and go, my brother told me, I don't give a fuck. These black dudes came to me with 800 a pound deal, and they gave me weed as a sample, and the weed was fucking mind-boggling. So you were going to buy it from them? Yes, I was going to buy it from them.

What I was really going to do is go to a guy like you. That's a weed salesman, and say, look, this is what I could get, and he'd say, what do you want for it? And I go 900 a pound. I'm going to make 900 on the deal. I'm going to make $100 on the deal. In 1980, that was a lot of money when you're 16.

So you would give me $2,000. And I'd make whatever the fuck. You know, I'd make $400 on the drug deal, you know, which was fucking good. Yeah. You know, plus I sold mescaline, plus I ran Coke. So altogether, $400 on top of going to East Strausburg, Pennsylvania, and picking up mescaline and fucking acid and speed,

this was another part of my game. But I didn't really think about it. That's why. We got a call coming in. Oh, shit. You said call it exactly 625 and 625 exactly That's why I fucking love you Bobby Slayton on the motherfucking line

How are you, sir? You know, first of all First of all, you know You know, it's so funny because you ask me What time I get up in the morning And I said, you know, ever since I had a kid 24 years ago And ever since I started doing stand-up Over 30 years ago

You know, I'm so used to doing morning radio So, you know, getting up this time of day It's not conducive to a life of a stand-up comics, but I'm usually up 435, 5.30. But here's my question to you, Joey D. Why in God's name when you do a podcast, which people say, you know, they record it, they bank them, you can play them anytime, people can listen to them any time. What the hell do you get up and do this this time today for? Because we have a U-stream audience, and I got, the truth of the matter is Bobby, when I get up in the morning, I put on KTLA like everybody else does. They want to know where

they're driving. I get up at 6 just like you. My wife has to go downtown. I got KTLA on, and why you're in the kitchen cooking your fucking oatmeal. You hear about the third grader that got molested. You hear about the kid that died of DUI. I didn't hear about that. Can I hear about that? No, no, no, no. You hear about all this shit, Bobby. And by 7 o'clock, you want to do a shot of fucking heroin. You're like, you know what? I should just start the day off wrong.

What I wanted to do with the church of what's happening now was smoke a little dope, listen to a little music, tell a few stories, and get people out there, get them in the mood to go out there and stab a motherfucker. Now, did you go to the stones the other night? That was my main call to you. Did you go to the Stones for $20 to the other night in Echo Park? Did you see it? No, I was concerned that you were going to go.

I didn't even know about it. Besides, I was, where was I? Minneapolis played some strip mall in, you know, in Minnesota. Which one were you at? Acme or the House of Comedy? Actually, a new place. It's a new place, and it's called the New Hope Cinema Grill. They have movie theaters, and then one of the movie theaters,

they took it, and they took it into a comedy room, and it's a great club, but, you know, one of the most depressing malls, you're going to Florida, of course, but the Florida, you're too,

but how old are you got in here? But you ever, you ever get to Florida, you know, you change your clothes and you dry off and you get rid of the raft, and they're amazing about Florida,

they have the most depressing malls, and when I say, well, I mean, a strip mall, you know, you come to L.A., and you appreciate it. Even Hollywood,

you know, every mall has a yogurt place, a dry cleaner, a sushi place, maybe a 7-11, you go in there, you get stuffed, done. You get some sushi, you get some yogurt, you get some yogurt, you pick a red

cleaning, but in Florida, it's all a porn store, a liquor store, you know, and then then a, and it's just a, and a gun shop. So it's like, you know, you're porn your stuff, you get it, you jack off, you shoot you from there, you buy some vodka and say, one-stop suicide center, and that's the way the small one of those places where you cash checks for people who don't have a bank account, then there was an $0.99 store, then there was a thrift store, then there was a store at a business, and then there was a We'll be hit it with the company club. So, got it.

So, yeah. You're fucking working. Bobby, how lucky you've been doing this for 30 years of business, which, you know, a few people make a living. You live nice. You have a nice home. You've got a beautiful wife. You have a daughter. You've done it, Bobby, in a lot of fucking ways.

But wait a second. Well, you know what, though? Yeah, I guess it's fine. I mean, you've been to my house. Which I've invited to you. I invited you here about 20 times. You said you come about 15 times. And I think you showed up twice for the, what was that?

Ropa the, what was that great Cuban dish I made? Ropa de Vierha, you make a tremendous lemon chicken. Bobby Slaten is a great fucking cook when he really puts his head to it. Oh, chili, didn't you make me chili? You made... Who knows? But I don't know. I guess, shut up, dog.

Anyway, but, yeah, I'm up at 5 o'clock. You know, it's funny because I'm writing a book right now. That's why I get up at 5 o'clock in the morning before these two dogs wake up. You know the whole other story. Before my wife and kid wake up, although my kid just moved out. But I'm writing a book called My 35 years in showbiz hell If you can't laugh at yourself Make fun of other people

My 35 years in show up is hell And people say me, why is it hell? You know, I got a great wife For the most part as wives go You know, you gotta qualify that But as wives go And I have a nice house But you know what? I'm working twice as hard

For half the money And it's a young man's game, Joey Diaz You know that You know as well as I do And I'm fucking 50 You're talking to the wrong guy So I know it's tough I mean the young man's game

It's not It's not you and me. It's these idiots that are on Comedy Central who hands out specials like candy on Halloween to any idiot that wants it, you know? It's brutal. What are these dogs barking at? You know, I got a, oh, my God. I got a pussycat dog just moved in with me.

That's a whole other story. Bunny, will you shut up? Stop barking. Yeah. So my daughter, Natasha, moved out. You know, she's 24 years old now. And, you know, she joined the pussy cat dolls who they're renaming and rebranding. So she finally got an apartment.

And one of the other pussycat dolls lost her apartment. So she said, can I move in with you guys so well? Remember my office downstairs with my drums? You were not right? Yeah. Okay. That now is a pussy cat doll. A very nice girl, Paula, and her dog, who you hear a barking in the background,

Bunny, the little gay Pomeradian marshmallow thing. You know, the dog to somebody has taken a liking to me. And I got it. You know, they call me the pit bull of comedy. I got a miniature picture, how gay is that. and have this other dog. So they sit here fighting all day and see they're up now.

So it's 6.30 in the morning. I got it at 5, so I have an hour and a half a piece of quiet to write my goddamn book. Sure. That's the only time you can write it. I'm in the same process. I'm trying to write a fucking book myself, Bobby. Yeah, well, now that you've got a baby

and now that you've got... But you know what, though? I'm on the road a lot, and even I'm playing some crappy clubs. You know what happens when I sit on a plane and go out of my way? I just take one magazine. I don't bring anything to do,

so I kind of force myself to write the book and when you're sitting in a Hampton Inn, or maybe even, it doesn't matter where I am. This week, I'm in Hilton and Pleasanton. I'm playing with Club Tommy Tees. They put me up in a nice Hilton, but you know what, if I don't have a car,

which I don't, in the middle of nowhere, and from two ladies to do it, but write my book. So, you know, it's coming along. Come along, great. You still got the training? You still got the training, Bobby?

I can't afford that anymore. Scott. Matter of fact, you know what? I want to go see the Rolling Stones next week. I'm going to go see him. I couldn't have even four tickets to see these guys. How much all the tickets for us? Friday night. How much of the tickets Friday night?

Well, there's something like, what are they? I get the crappy seats for $170. The crappy seats. The good ones are like $6 or $700. You know, as much as I like that band, look, if I had Tom Hanks money, if I put some Willis money, if I put some money, put him on Joe's money even. That's a bad thing. I'm driving a fucking Subaru, brother. I got my little Subaru, I got a return for the lease.

A friend of mine calls me from Florida. He says, you know, can you get me? tickets to the Stone. I said, yeah, I know somebody that works for the promoter. But he goes, let's go. And I said, I can't afford it. He goes, I'll buy the tickets. If you fly me in. So I cashed in miles, flew my friend, I'm going to see the Stones. You know, I don't even want to see them. I don't like to leave my house. I don't like to go anywhere. You don't know what it's like out there. I mean, you're a guy that's always out. You like going out. You like hanging out. I'm done with that.

No, no, no, no. I'm worse than you all, obviously. And that's a misconception about Uncle Joey. Uncle Joey don't listen. You got an envelope, you want me to go out and do a comedy show, I'm there. But for me to go to an improv or something during the week, you're fucking crazy. Bobby Slate, I'm in bed at 9.30. If you let me, if you fucking let me, I can fall asleep by 9.30 if you let me. That's without drinking, too, right? No, I don't drink.

I don't fucking drink. I take two hits of the tutze-so-uits, and I'm in bed a fucking hour later. Or I eat a pot cookie. I got to leave my house tomorrow 4.45 in the fucking morning. You know me. I fly early. I got to fly tomorrow, so I get out of the fucking. I get to the airport at 6.

I want to be out of here. I want to be in my room naked watching fucking all my children at 1 o'clock. You know me, rubbing popcorn juice on my fucking something. Yeah, yeah. That's a great visual. No, I love it. You're at an age now where, you know, it's funny, Bobby. How old are you now?

You look great. You look fucking great. I'll be 58 in a couple of weeks. Fucking God. And look at the Stone. 70 on stage. It's a whole new fucking world out there, Bobby Slayton. We could go to.

to we'll fucking 80 if you let us. Yeah, well, I'm not sure I want to, the way things are going. But, yeah, it thinks of fun. Don't you want to see your daughter fucking rocket out of the pussycat, though? Don't you want to be there when she wins a fucking Grammy in 10 years? You know what? I've kept every receipt for me beanie-baby-baby, every play-dough, every box of crayons. And when she gets, she just signed the record deal.

So, you know, I'm going to say, look, you know, Daddy, we have all. Look, what are crap I bought you. You know, she's like a pack rat. She, we just cleaned it out of her room. and she has everything she saved since she was like five years old and it's amazing how much crap this kid has. My wife says, where does she get all this shit? How long?

I guess it was all my fault. So I didn't even realize how much crap I bought him. But anything to keep them quiet on a plane, anything to shut them up on a beach for you're on vacation, anything to keep them out of your hair. So tell me about the DVD you taping, Bobby. Oh, yeah. Let me tell you about that, Joe.

What are you taping, brother? So here, listen, this is what I'm doing. I'm going to be in Cleveland next. I keep forgetting how many followers you have. And, you know, it's funny. You told me how to do this on Twitter, but I keep putting some good tweets out there. I think they're pretty funny. At pit bull of comedy.

And, you know, I go with some major radio shows. You know, where was I laughing? Tom Bernard is really big of Minneapolis. And, you know, I've had Kevin a been here in L.A., and going out of Grohl, and I got like five or ten more followers. Then I look at some of these guys. Like, I guess some of the comedy Central. They've got a half a million.

Then I look at Joey Diaz. And what are you, like, $100,000. And I'm going, oh, my God. All I got to do is tweet every day. Hey, go morning, cock suckers. Rub your balls, pick your nose. It's a good day. Listen, brother, you're a funny guy on the natural.

And people got to hear from you. There's no reason why you have social meeting in and out there. You're a funny. Naturally fucking guy. You have 100,000 people listening right now. Okay, so here. I want all your people take. Here's what I'm doing next week.

I'm going to Cleveland. Do you ever play Cleveland? Absolutely. What do you play? The improv and the garage shop. The garage shop? Yeah, they do a little room over there, 200 people. Very nice little rock venue.

Take the fucking door. You have a little Cuban tropical drinks at the garage shop? No, no, no. It's a great little comedy place. Well, I played hilarities, which is, you know, this guy, Nicosters, one of the three places. Tremendous. I hear these are fucking gentlemen and a half.

Oh, but you know, all the good guys get screwed. You know, nice guys finish last, the way the good guy young, all that shit. You know, that's why the Nazis live 250. But so I'm, he has a great, It's not just a comedy club. It's like a 500-a-seat comedy theater. So I thought it would be a great place to tape a special.

You know, a lot of guys are doing their own specials. I didn't have the money to do my own special. A lot of guys are taping him. You know, my friend Jake Johansson put out the money. He's all due to showtime. And, you know, Louis C.K. did his own special, and he put it on his website. So I think, you know, I'm just going to tape a special. But I've got to find somebody to do it.

So last year, I got somebody to do it for me. And, you know, the one piece of advice I gave you on comics, and I didn't follow my own advice. after 35 years of doing this bullshit. We comic said to me, how do you get better? And you know, you can tell guys a lot of the way, you know, number one, of course,

keep writing, get up on stage, and if somebody, you know, tells you something, gives you advice, take it with a great assault, but listen to them. But the best way, and you know those I do, Joey D. is to tape yourself, videotape yourself,

and you can watch yourself, and I used to watch myself, and I realized I'd talk fast, I realized how fast, and how much I said, and how much I did this, and I'm like, anyway, so I would talk about you,

just tape yourself and watch it, and you'll see how good you were, or how bare you are, and you can be more objective. So I take the special. Did I work down for months? And when I saw it, I said, you know what? I'm not happy with this at all. I don't know why I picked this material.

I don't know. Anyway, it just didn't come out great. And I called the people that did it. And they said, look, Bobby, for a little bit, we'll do it again for you. We'll do it again. So anyway, I'm going to Hilarities next week, and I'm going to tape the special again. I've rewritten it.

And, you know, it's funny. Alice Cooper, I do a thing where, you know, you ever go to the Rock Hall of Fame? Yes. even though Journey and Donna Summer in there, which is so, well, I see why Journey's in there, even though they suck. But the place is really cool. I mean, it's really a great testimonial to rock and roll and the blues and all and the stuff we love.

So, you know, it's all the costumes, all the clothes, all the manuscripts. It's just an amazing museum of stuff. So I open the show where I go in and I steal out of Scupper's clothes because he was my hero in high school. Back in 1971, 72, whatever, where it was clothes out of the Rockwall. whole of thing. I don't actually wear I'm on stage, but I'm called for special No More Mr. Nice Guy because I've always been a big fan of Alice Cooper and he's actually writing the forward to my book, which is a big thrill for me. Because I get so when I was a kid when I was 15 or 16, you know, you know, way before Kiss, way before Merrill Manson,

way before all this bullshit even, you know, I mean, Ozzy Osborne, who was so scary. Alice Cooper was pretty scary, you know? I hear you. He was out for the school, was out for the fucking summer. He was rock-roll and monsters. He was rock-roll and monsters. My two favorite things, he put it together. That was pretty cool. So let me ask you this pretty cool. What's the date on the fucking special you're taping?

I'm taping it next Saturday night. So the special is the 12th? No, no, no, no. The fourth and the 70th is 11th. The day before Mother's Day. And by the way, I'll be playing hilarities in Cleveland on Mother's Day. What a great place to bring a mom. If you want to give her a heart attack, you know, if you're in the will

and you want to get rid of mom, take it to my show. You're a fucking savage, dog. And what else is going on? The house is good, the dogs. You're still doing your thing. You're taking care of yourself. I'm trying to finish this book, and I'll tell you, man. You know what it sucks also is writing a book now.

It's like putting out a CD or DVD or getting a special on Showtime. You know, you and I remember when somebody had an HBO special, they really were special. It was special. And now there's so many of them on, and there's somebody on Comedy Central. Well, let's correct this. There's nothing like HBO. You can do your Showtime shit.

You get on Comedy Central. But we all know HBO Trump's fucking everything. You've been on HBO. You've been on all those things. Yeah, but you want to know something Showtime then? Well, you watch stuff like Dexter and you watch, you know. Nobody's got showtime. You've got to assume nobody's fucking got it.

More people got the Internet than that. I'd rather you do a special and put it on the Internet for five bucks. You'll get more bang to your buck than Showtime. Who the fuck watches that shit? And they put out so much bad shit. You don't even want to be on the same fucking neighbor with those fucking people. Look at the stand-up they got on there. It's garbage.

You want to put your shit on there. You want to bust out and be the new kid on the fucking block again. You call me a head. You know, putting it out and doing it on the Internet and stuff. You know, the thing is, though, I've been so bad with this social media garbage for the last few years, which I'm just really starting, you know, doing it more. Because when you get a guy like Jim Gaffican or even bigger Louis C.K. Or Bill Burr, you know, where they put their stuff on Netflix and they put their stuff on the Internet,

they saw it on their website. They got a lot of people following them. Even you. Well, they got Netflix knocking on the fucking door. I don't have Netflix knocking on. Nobody's knocking on my fucking door. And I know that, you know, I feel, I'm like, hey, listen, Bob, I know one thing.

I know I've been, I lived in a car for fucking eight months. I snorted blow. I did a lot of shit that I brought a bomb myself. But the whole time I've worked on this, nobody reaches out for a special no more. You go, you pay three fucking UCLA students, a couple yard sticks. You get Lisa at, the flying juke,

the producer of the show over. there with you. You get a little wall, you tape it, and you put it online for five bucks, and everybody's fucking profits, and everybody enjoys it for five bucks. But Showtime, you're going to go on the, that's like fucking going in a bad name, you know, and selling Coke next to, it's like trying to sell Coke next to 10 black guys on a fucking corner. You're in no danger. I got to go to compete with those guys. I'm a fucking white guy. You know, it's like, so I'd rather you put it on somewhere. I'm thinking about that. I'm looking at all my office. Yeah, fuck, fucking, put it on fucking Twitter, $5, the pit bull of comedy.

you're a savage. You should be fucking bit-slapping these motherfuckers. Now you've got to do your thing. You're as funny. I watched John HBO. You're one of my fucking idols. Knock it off, cock's fucking. All right, but that's what I say, I need your help. You know, when it comes to business

and promotion, you know, the only time I was ever good at it was when I was in Vegas, it sucked the life out of me. You know, when I was in Hooters, and then the Tropicana. I mean, I just got rejuvenated. It was two years there fighting. Well, I was in Hooters.

You know, it was like a mental patient of a casino. You were there. Oh, yeah. Who's going to... Who's going to order to see me? You know, they built a really nice showroom for me, but my God, it was off the strip. And then I moved to another shit hole, the Tropicana. And, I mean, I did every radio show. I did promotion.

And that's when Twitter and Facebook was... That's when Dane Cook started making MySpace big. And I said, you know, it's MySpace. Shit ain't going anywhere. Oh, and Dave Cook blew up, I said, I'm getting out of MySpace. By then, everybody abandoned MySpace. I moved out to Facebook. Now everybody goes to Twitter.

I was the guy who got a cassette player when everybody else had an iPod. And I got an iPod. I'm like an Irish guy. I just got rid of my Blackberry. I just got an iPhone. I don't know how I lived without it. I'm getting a color TV.

I'm going to get a color TV. And a new photograph. I'm moving up in the world. Well, what's on what I want you to do. I want you to call in from time to time and let us know where you're playing. I love you with all my heart. You're one of my fucking idols.

It was a... Why can't... Okay, let me answer this. With all your technology you got there, your big Joey Diaz studio there in Havana. Why don't you, how come you can't call anybody from there? Why can't you call out? Why couldn't you call me today?

Lee Syatt, talk to him. It's better for people to call in because if you didn't pick up. I mean, we could call out, but it's better for people to call in on their own time. You're satisfied, Copsucker? You have one of those programs. If you get Verizon, you have unlimited minutes. You know, you don't have to be on the budget you're on. No, it's Skype.

It's Skype. It's Skype. It's Skype. And we can call in from anyone. It's free. I'd just rather you call. Get it together. I don't want to call you and bother your house.

Maybe your wife is sleeping unless you're painting a fucking nails, Bobby Slayton. He's flipping right now, but she doesn't have in the other room. Get it together. I are going to get back to my book and, uh,

yeah, so I'm, yeah. Yo, man, I love that you took the time to call in. Like I said, you want my fucking idols. I love you to death.

I got nothing else to do. I love you to death. You've been up there, I haven't you? Yeah, so you're there this Friday and Saturday. And next week, you're at Hilarities,

taping your special on the fucking Saturday of the 11th. Yeah, you know what, if there's 10 people listening now, do me a favor. Follow me on Twitter. You just want to see my... Follow him on Twitter. This guy is one of my fucking early, fucking idols. Don't fuck around. I love this guy with all my heart.

He's fed me when I was hungry. Take fucking care. Go see him. Shake his hand. Bring him a joint. Make sure he smoke. You don't smoke dope, do you? That's the problem.

You've got to smoke fucking dope. These people are going to come see you. You got to do a bunch of shit. Don't do it. wine or do whatever you want to do. You tell them what you need. These people will bring your bazooka powder, whatever you fuck you need, all right? All right, okay. I love your concept. Stay black.

All right, bye. What a nicest fucking guys in the world. I love the little fucking Metallica from Uncle Joey, dog. It's six something in the morning. Get up. Drink your coffee. You got to do a jumping jack too. I don't want to. Yeah, we've got to finish this story though. Oh shit. A little enter the fucking set. Kick it Lee. Da-na-na-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ha.

Where's the reef, Lee? You eat it? Look at it. Lee, we got fucking three joints left. Look at this. We got three joints. Look. Oh, shit. I'm playing the fucking drums

at the joints right now. Oh, shit, Lee. Oh, shit. It's Wednesday. Watch that pussy. You want somebody to sniff it. Go, Lee. Jesus Christ.

Get up. Let me see a jump in exactly. Hey, if you have known what. Come on, Lee. It's the first day of juicing. It's May 1st. It's the first day of your life, bro. Come on, let's do it, Lee.

A little wiggle, Frank LaJoy, a little jumping. Come on, baby. Here we go. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, dan, dan, dan, damn. Do a little jumping, Jack. Oh, shit, Lee Syatt. Three of them, I love it. You're a fucking soldier, do it, Lee.

Oh, shit. Want some rea? I just had tons of reefer. What are you doing the music for? Because you're going to finish the story. Put the fucking music up. Lick my balls, eat my ass. Little Lisa.

Yeah, you little fly Jew Sniff my feet suck my head I think I think I hope someone has that on a ring tone later

Oh shit Oh shit Get up motherfucker This is a beautiful day to be alive Live your fucking goals Write them down Do a push-up Do something

Do something Austin Texas I'm ready for you motherfuckers All right So I'm gonna be the I'm gonna get this back on track So what, what, what? You had the meeting and aroma, but you're thinking about your fucking trial.

So what's the conclusion of that? Conclusion of what? So the conclusion was that between you and me, I keep that close to my heart every day because I know how fast life could change. Okay. That's what makes me strong. You know, a lot of people say, well, you know, you put that past behind you. I always do, but I have to keep it closed by because I know how fast your life could change.

you could always go, you could go back to that lifestyle. Not a million fucking dollar. But that's what I'm saying. I know you don't want to, but I'm saying, like, if you didn't remember that how quickly that happened, it'd be easy for you to revert back to it. Well, and the other hand, too, it's to let people know that anybody can make the fucking change. There was no change.

It just evolved. I just figured it out that comedy is fucking criminals too. Yeah. I might as well take my criminal act over to the comedy field. It wasn't to you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's something that I always.

always get emails from people at joeydeers.com.com. So if you have an email about your life, I get these emails and people think they're stuck in their life, how the fuck do you think I felt that march? When I knew, I was going to do time, and I had this guy, Richie, that was my boss. In fact, I talked to one of the girls from Hurt Still. She lives in Kansas. We talk on Facebook and we talk on the phone. She just got divorced, Carol.

And Carol testified in my behalf from the office. I mean, I had 19 people walking that court that day. But nothing changed what I did, but that's not the moral. of the story, the moral of the story is no matter where the fuck you are, you can get out of the rut. Yeah. If you ask me how I fucking did it, I have no idea, but it starts with belief. We're talking about this shit the other day, how you got to believe, you got to see

the fucking picture. If you're going to tell me that 20 years ago I seen myself doing a podcast with the flying Jew, no, I didn't see it coming, but this is what happens from me getting involved. Yeah. This is what happens with me showing up with two guns to the fucking battle instead of one. I see a lot of people walking around in comedy when I go to these M. M.A fights, they're walking around with one fucking gun in their holster. They should have two, and they should all have their bullets out because we're playing this shit for keeps on a daily

motherfucking basis. So what I'm trying to tell you, cocksuckers, is to get up. This is why I think about these things, because it fires me to fuck up. So what happened last night? We were just thinking about as you're driving down there? Just thinking about how different my life. Here I am driving down fucking Laurel Canyon at 8.30 at night to go to Aroma to get the best food in Hollywood, what I really think, believe. But I thought about riding my bicycle to swim that morning. Feeling good, you know, riding my bicycle, but in the back of your head knowing that,

B, you're going to prison, and C, you're addicted to fucking blow. MD, you're going for prison, not, but going to prison for a long time. It's not like you're going for a couple days. What's long time? At that time, three days would have been a long time. I would never imagine it would have sentenced me to four,

fucking years. Yeah. You know, that's the things that you never fucking imagine when you're in that courtroom. You're like,

and I made it. Like, I made it. I made it in there, like with no fucking drama. I got one to two or three fights. I got beat up one time. I beat up the long-head dude one time. You know,

this is what it's all about, you know what I'm saying? It's terrifying to me. No. It was terrifying at first until you're living through it. You're there. You know, it's so weird

how you look at a stage sometimes and you go, I got to go up on that fucking stage right now. And all of a sudden you walk off. And it just happened. Just like every Wednesday I got to go for a shot. I walk in there thinking the fucking worst thing ever every Wednesday. And every Wednesdays he's pulling the needle out.

I'm like, that's it. This is all I had to do so. It's a lot harder in our mind than what it is actually all the time. Yeah. You know, I was talking to my friend's daughter, George. She's in law school right now. What do you hear about law school? You're dead.

Yeah. They tell you you're fucking dead. And she was telling me of this. She goes, listen, I got my weekend. Stimmy. She goes, I got to study four or five hours a day. But if you stay on top of it, you got no beefs. Yeah. If you stay on, that's all law school is. And she goes, a lot of people figure it out the third year. It's too fucking late. You just stay on time. It's a lot of reading. It's a lot of fucking paperwork. You got computers now, she said.

You can read off the computer. It cuts time in half. You don't have to go to a library anymore, and you don't do shit like that. That cuts time and half. But it's still a commitment, people. So I want you to get up to their commitment to whatever fuck you want to do. You know, somebody said that you turn 50. Why don't you start playing the guitar? I think I'm going to start taking Jiu Jitsu full time. Oh shit. Yeah, because I want to kill this gut once and for

all. I want to look like Charles Bronson, the fucking mechanic. It's over. You say that and then one day you're going to come in hearing me like, this fucking Hindu going on top of me with a smelly feet, and I walked out. Oh, God. I'll tell you, I have a fucking heart attack. That's what's always stopped me from fucking Jiu-Jitsu is the feet and the fucking armpit and the rotten

ass. You put that rotten ass ghee in my fucking face. I have a heart attack. I don't even like going to kickboxing in the morning because you get a shot of bad breath. It'll fucking kill you in the morning. People don't put the odor in on. What the fuck? They come here straight from the bed with bad breath. I can't take that 10 o'clock

class. The 2 o'clock class is all right, but it's just on Tuesdays and fucking Thursdays, you know? All right. Oh shit. So that's what I was trying to tell people today. Sometimes something bad happens. You want to push forward with therapists, whatever the fuck they tell you. Sometimes it's good to keep it there because it's the way you draw your

strength from it's where I draw my strength of him I just remember that even when something bad happened something to car anything I'm like it could be fucking worse man yeah did you ever see the movie clerks it's one of Kevin's yeah yeah one of the original I was watching it the other night and um there's this there's this big monologue he does at the end how he can't change the main character because he's comfortable in his life he's like 22 he's the he's a clerk at a store and his buddy who's more of a slacker than him kind of breaks you down like you just did like yells at them like you can change you're the one who's doing it to yourself and I was watching and all I could think about was this and it's just uh like you could have very easily

gone when you knew you were going to jail just fucking snorted coke and went to Cuba or something but when I was 22 I was a clerk in a video store and I was never happier I can't lie to you I was never happy I was probably making 10 bucks an hour yeah I would never see the owner I would open it and close it and do the deposits I would make deliveries I made delivery to Michael Douglas house In 1983 I set up his fucking VCR

I made deliveries to fucking well not Robin Williams I seen him in the mall I saw the flying nun Used to rent videos in there I saw Sidney Portier would come in and rent videos Don Johnson and his family

would rent videos I worked at a video store I would have scarface on and the video I'd put porno on so his people were walking by Did he have fuck you and Trey What was that girl?

That was a 16-year-old porn girl at the time. She was big in the 80s, and I used to put her on when she stuck the octopus in her pussy. Jesus. Whatever does Tracy Lords, does Japan. Yeah. It was really weird. I was a clerk, and I cannot lie to you. I was as happy.

That was my job. Because you watched movies all day, yeah. I dealt with the people. The company for videos was out of Denver, and I ordered videos, and I ordered old videos. I remember putting concert videos. He came in one day, and he goes, what happened here? This is amazing. I fucking, this is no college, guys.

This is no college education. I went into a store and fucking quadruple the fucking profits. Really? He had no selection. He had nothing there. So I went in there and started picking all movies for him. Bam, you got to get this. I remember getting Pink Floyd Live in Pompeii, the Rocky Hara Picture Show.

And I would push it. You know what I'm saying? If you rent a video machine on Sundays through Thursdays, it's $9.95, and you get two fucking videos. He would lose his mind. I'm losing money. you're not. Where's the machines? Yeah. Oh, yeah. The machines are out. In those days, there were

a box that you carried. It was just a video machine with a handle, and you get the two fucking videos and take them home. That's crazy. Yeah, I miss those things. Video stores. They're all gone. Oh, my God, and Boulder? In Boulder, how I started comedy was, I'd go into the video store that was

three feet, three floors. Okay. Three floor video. Oh, shit. On the top, they had, like, just a section of comedy. I would go in there and rent the best of Def Jan with

oh my God Billaby, Will Bill Bellamy. Okay, yeah. And Joe Torrey. And I get the Rodney Dangerfield, early one with him and

Seinfeld and Lenny Clark and Bill Hicks and Andrew Dice Clay. And I'd watch it and I'd watch it so much that after a while they wouldn't charge me for it. Really? You bought this video 10 times. Just take it.

And I would go home and make notes and watch their set. And, you know, video store was the ideal thing for me. If I could inherit a video store, I would have been happy as fuck. I would have ran a great video store. Even today, I would have given a competition because I would have kept something old in there. I would have gave it that feeling. You know, when you go to a video store, in fact, I'm going to have Rick Ramon's call next week. Okay.

Oh, yeah, your buddy, yeah. Rick Ramers is one of the best movie people you'll ever see. It's funny how there's all these movie podcasts, and these guys don't know dick about fucking movies. Rick Ramos will eat these motherfuckers up alive. You know, I get emails because Gray Drake, who is on Rotten Tomatoes now, and she does a serious radio station.

Okay. She contacts us from time to time. She contacts Rick a lot for fucking movie info. Rick will fill you in about the future movies, but the past movies, Rick will always... All I do is call Rick and go, and he knows what fucking movie to go, how to fucking choose it.

What's the story, cocksucker? He didn't smoke no more weed today. I got to give some shoutouts. I got one more call today. What the fuck? What the fuck? For starters, I want to give a shout out to a buddy of mine that showed up to the game and the show in Jersey.

Gino, Jacabelle. He's a cop and a hoboken. He's a brother's cheese and all that show. I want to give him a shoutout. Matt Haight. He lost 116 fucking pounds or whatever the fuck he lost. English Hendrix. Stefan Lannon.

Yo D. The Thai boxer. Jamie, Kenneth Rodriguez up there in fucking Rochester Debt Squad San Antonio all the Debt Squad motherfuckers out there in the New Land. Eddie B Kelly Watson Swiftly double

I mean you know I love you motherfuckers I appreciate you guys listening and checking up with me and seeing what the fuck is going on so I love you guys have a great fucking weekend you know how we do it dog I appreciate these motherfuckers They're great I'm having a great time with Dead Squad people hopefully I'll go on

Alex Jones did you see that yesterday Alex Jones, yes I got a thousand fucking people You gotta go back on Alex Jones So like I said, I'm excited I've always loved going to fucking Texas Yeah Houston Dallas Opaso

Fucking Midland fucking San Antonio I mean Please Now let me ask Because when I was in Vegas At the airport I met a girl from Austin

And I said to her Texas Is great And she looked at me She said Austin is in Texas And she's like It's like the hipster place now Right right

Right Do you think it's the same or is it kind of like too fancy for you? Like, what do you think about it? Listen, bro, it's fucking Dallas 3D. Okay. Do you follow me? I don't mind going to fucking Dallas and smelling gunpowder. I don't mind going to Houston and having a great time in the fucking loop or out of the loop or what the fuck I am.

Austin is a very progressive place. Yeah. It's like Ashland fucking North Carolina. If you go to North Carolina, people walking around with slippers talking about NASCAR. You go to Ashland and they're talking about. They're talking about rocket ships. A lot of people either you like Austin or you don't fucking like Austin. You know what?

If you don't like Austin, go fuck your mother. It's like getting high by 2 o'clock. I like Austin. I like the whole vibe. I like the open mind about it. I like that they take fucking chances. Don't get me wrong. I love Dallas and Houston.

That's what Texas stands for and I'm fucking happy. But the bushes are in Austin, right? Aren't they from fucking Austin? I have no idea. So that really doesn't matter. What I'm trying to say is it's a cool fucking place. Yeah. When you go there sometimes or something.

some places. Look at Denver. You go to Denver, they're all walking around with a picture of fucking the quarterback. They got fired. What's his name Tebow? You follow me? They're all Christians. You go to Boulder. They're all fucking hippies. They call Boulder the People's Republic of Boulder. Why? Because it's very progressive. They're free will. They're free-minded.

That's fine. If you don't like fucking Boulder, you don't like boss, you don't have to go. Keep your ass and fucking milling and smell cheese. Whatever the fuck you do. But that's how people think, and they should be ashamed of themselves. You know, I mean, it is. It's like a progressive place. You know, you go to Mississippi.

They've got a place. I think it's Tupelo or I figure out what the fucking name of it is. They're a little bit more progressive and shit. There's gay people. You know, there's people sucking the dick with Batman's sutan. A lot of people can't fucking dig that thing.

And hey, if you don't like it, sit in the fucking suburbs and take your kid to a soccer match. True. Yeah. I know. I've heard great things about it. It's great.

And you're there. Listen, bro, we live in a fucking great country. We're just fucking spoiled. Yeah. These bitches are fucking spoiled. Nothing bothers me. more when you talk to somebody about you ever go to a coffee shop

and there's always these people that are fucking internationalism we got a beautiful fucking world here but the United States of America is the fucking United States of America this is what all, when we sneeze, everybody catches a fucking cold, okay? When we sneeze in the United States, every motherfucker catches a fucking cold but there's all these motherfuckers that you can't

say nothing to ride away, oh no, no, no, you have to go to Costa Rica. Look, you in Costa Rica could suck my fucking dick. You know what I'm saying? When was the last time he went to fucking Long Island? off the coast and look the fucking sharks. We got a lot of shit going on here, but we're fucking spoiled. We're allowed to talk

bad about these places. Nothing bothers me more on that shit. You know, we're promoting the fucking... people should come over here on fucking vacation. Austin's a great goddamn... Listen, I went for a walk yesterday with the crib. I went for a walk Monday with the baby. There's reasons. You know why? Because I'm eating in fucking Texas.

I'm eating. I'm going to Texas to fucking eat. That's why you go to Texas to get stone and eat. They want to give me 20 fucking years with smoking pot on Saturday, not outside, give me the 20 fucking years. It's Texas. At least don't feed me in the goddamn jail. What's your favorite kind of barbecue? Is it brisket at ribs? Or what do you like? I'm a brisket guy.

I like a little rib. Some beans. For the audio listeners, you were like angry, you were like intense and then as soon as I said brisket, you look smiling. Oh, I love brisket. With a little fucking salt barbecue sauce on that motherfucker with some potato salad, some white bread, because you got to have that white bread

when you're barbecuing, that one that the chick put out of a porno guy's dick that I always talk about It's not Wonderbread It's just white bread It's just white bread I love that shit I love that shit I love it

I remember just all that hard I remember being in Dallas At this black function one night When I walked out Some motherfucker came up You're hungry player And he gave me a pork sandwich On white with barbecue

They just had a pork fucking thing outside Nice Just three black guys grilling That shit was so fucking yummy That's why I like about Texas But I'm gonna fucking kill it You understand me I'm gonna go to Chewis

I'm gonna get the fuck in and sour cream and chicken enchiladas with a swirl margarita. Are you kidding me? Oh, shit. You might not come back. You know, I don't fuck around. You know, I don't fuck around. They got those green fucking, that, uh, Tex-Mex, oh, my asshole, my hemorrhoots going to be pumping.

Oh. You ever see a hemorrhoid pumping like a heart? Boom, boom, boom. That's how this fucking Cuban hemorrhoids going to be. I haven't had a hemorrhoid nears, but I'm about to get one. Well, congratulations. I'm going to get some fucking barbecue. I'm going to send you pictures while you're up here eating.

carrots and fucking kale. You're drinking it. Today's the first day. But you're back. I'm proud of you gave it a chance. You went on the loose for a couple weeks. My mommy was in town. I'm going to Vegas with my friends. And what happened?

Nothing. You could have been 20 pounds, head lighter. You could have done more jumping jacks and ran around and cut some muscle tone over the vacation. You got a month off. You didn't go to the gym one time,

not even the back. You forgot the other day. I see that there was a little back gym over there. I'm going to shoot you in the night. I'm watching. I'm watching because I love you. I care about you. You're a young man.

No one can do everything all the time the perfect way. 10 minutes. 10 minutes are your fucking day. I don't mean that. I mean like you could have been 20 pounds lighter. You could have been doing jump-ed jacks. 10 minutes. All I want you to go for a little walk around the neighborhood.

That's not all you want to do. Somebody's calling. No, I'm not. You sure? Yeah, I'm looking at it. Don't make me karate chatt. No. No.

You can't watch TV. No. sleeping, why eating? You're 24 years oldly. Yeah. You should be sleeping six hours. That's it. One hour hanging out.

The rest of the time, you should be out banging it. So you work eight hours a night. Ten. So ten and eight is what? 18. You got six hours left over the fuck around. You're going to sit here in the darkness every afternoon. You live in California.

The sunlight is out. One little walk around the neighborhood. I ain't going to fucking kill you. The same other phone call. Cucks a sucker. Bueno of here. How are you, my friend? I'm doing terrific.

I'm by yourself. Good morning. Good morning. I'm very happy. It's an honor to have you on the phone, Rudy Sarzo, bass player, extra, nirial, and bingong de los bingone. How are you, buddy?

I'm doing great. So you're on a break from tour right now. Yeah, I'm on a little break, and I just had some Cuban coffee, and I'm ready to roll. So you make Cuban coffee every morning in your house? At home, yeah. Bustelo.

You make a coffee bustelo? Pilon, yabe, bustelo, whatever. Coyoon! Now, you make it with the old-school Cuban coffee, or you got, like, the new shit with, you know, well, how do you make it? With the sock and the whole thing? Oh, no, no, no, no.

I put it in my cappuccino maker, and I make it like that, and at night my wife makes it with, the old-fashioned little Italian espresso, you know, make it. And you put real sugar in there? You put that cancer sugar in there? I put, like, little, you know, whatever, equal, something like that. I make it with coconut milk.

Really? Yeah, it tastes delicious, yeah. I got to tell you, Rudy, and, you know, my agent, Rich and his, Justin, Justin is my agent over there. Yeah. He didn't know that you, God bless you. He didn't know that, and I hope I'm not embarrassing you. He did not know you were 62 years old. You look like you're 40 fucking 5.

Oh, really? You're beautiful. You look like you're 45. After all these years of hanging with Justin, you even though I was 62. My God, you look beautiful. I was looking at your Facebook stuff, and I had tears in my eyes, brother. You're the last other real deal, Rudy. So how did you get into the base?

You're a Cuban guy. You didn't want to play that conga. No, I mean, it was, you know, if the Beatles, had kind of, then I would have, you know, play, play kind of. But, no, no, you know, early on, everybody, even including all the kids in the block, you know, in Miami, because in the old days, we didn't have gangs, we had, you know, little rock and roll bands, you know, and, you know, all the kids in my block in the South Way or the Miami, everybody, you know, we all wanted to be the Beatles, those Beatles, you know.

So, you know, I picked up the base. It's, you know, chicks, you know, they dig Paul McCarney even today. So, you know, that was a no-brainer. You know, that's the reason we all got into music because of the chicks, you know. You know, you had the jocks who were like, you know, the big beast-up, you know, guys who went to the gym all the time playing football and baseball. They had us, you know. The rest of us who just wanted to get laid.

When we saw that big and big in a rock band was the easiest way to do so. Rudy, now you came from Cuba when you were a year old? Oh, no, no, I was 10. And you're... Almost 11, yeah. And describe the first time you saw the fucking Beatles singing in English, and you didn't even know what the fuck they were probably saying. And what you felt like?

I knew, you know, I have been in the state for about two or three years. Oh, okay, okay. I wasn't West New York in New Jersey when the Beatles in 64, when they played it in Sullivan, you know. Now, that's where I grew up. I grew up in North Bergen, New Jersey. You were in West New York? I grew up in West New York.

Until when? Well, you know, we were part of the relocation program. First, my parents went to Miami. Then, you know, they relocated us to West New York, and we came back in 67 to Miami. So I was there for like three, four years. Wow, that's very interesting. Because there was two big Cuban communities.

There was Miami and Union City, New Jersey. Yeah. Union City was the... Right. Union City was the promise of embroidery and that was it My mom did all that stuff You know, peace work

Yes, peace work And it was funny that My father was the first Cuban committee man In Union City Oh really? Yeah, because they tried to They tried to get more Cubans to Union City My father had had a cafeteria

There El Oque The name of it was El Oque And then the bar was called Eluclou Donde la Solae de laos So they made him They made him a committee man

to promote it. A lot of people don't know that New Jersey people look at me and they're like bro, you're Italian no, you're like Guanychi

I'm just from an area where there was a lot of Italians you know Yeah, yeah Yeah, and yeah And yeah You know,

which New York is right next to the Union City Right, right next to it Yeah, yeah So yeah Went to Memorial High and school number five And all of that,

Yeah Wow Do people even know you went to me? Memorial? I'm sorry? Nobody knows you went to Memorial. Yeah, I went to Memorial, yeah.

And you graduated for Memorial? I played Pony League. I played Babe Ruth League in Union City, I mean, in West New York and all of that. Yeah. Now did you play the bass when you were in West New York? I didn't play the bass until I got back to Miami.

It must have been 67 that I actually picked up the base. I had an old guitar from the Sears, Catalyst. that came in the mail that my brother and I we used to share. It was an old classman acoustic guitar, and we just kind of like pretend it to play, you know. Do you ever listen to Cuba music, Rudy? Well, of course.

You'll do today, you know. As a matter of fact, the Cuba music that I listen to today is heavy metal, because there's a huge heavy metal scene in Cuba right now. And it's very, it's about revolution because, you know, after the Castle Revolution, there is right now another revolution going on in Cuba against Castro. So, you know, the youth is revolting, rebelling against Castro, but using music as a way to do so. You know, it's incredible.

If you go through websites like Rocking Cuba, there is, there's just, I mean, it's like about 100, at least 100 heavy metal bands in Cuba, at least. and these are the ones with videos, you know, on YouTube. As a matter of fact, I mean, contact with the, actually, it's called, like the, the Alanda cinema is copy, and they are the first band from Cuba to actually go and play in the United States. They play it at the South by Southwest, you know, that festival that goes on. Right.

In Austin, yeah, they played there just, you know, about a month and a half ago, and they're doing shows around New York. and they're just amazing. You know, they're just as good as any other, you know, heavy metal band from around the world. Well, if you listen... They sing in Spanish and, you know, they have that... So, Coiche.

If you listen to a... If you go on YouTube later, being out of my cousin, I was telling you he's in Synthesies, but he just went solo, and he's got the heavy metal. He's got a song called Veil. His name is Eki Afonzo. And he's got a song called Veil, and it sounds like Lenny Craven.

Oh, yeah. And it was amazing when I took them to Leech. I took them to Cantors, and we were eating, and they were singing, stay away to heaven, and I wanted to cry. Because to them, it was like this thing. They were telling me how they would have to listen to the music and not, and they would have to hide the cassettes. They had fucking cassettes at 2013.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. My God, yeah. I mean, I put in Russia in 94 right after the Iron Curtain came down. And, I mean, to play, I was with Weishnake at the time. I was on stage and all these grown men, you know, they were carrying their bootleg, Deep Purple and, you know, White Snake Records with them and crying because for the first time they could actually see us perform.

I mean, right now it's pretty normal to do a tour of Russia. As a matter of fact, I'm going there in a couple of weeks to do a tour. And I spent a whole month with Dio touring in Russia. But back in the day, forget about it. They would just put you in jail. San Yucas, Liberia, literally. You know, I went to see, I grew up in Ozzy, I grew up a Black Sabbath fan. And then I saw Van Halen blow him off the stage at the garden.

That was the end of Black Sabbath. I knew that would never come back. I knew that. Avi told me about that. Oh, my God. It was fucking amazing. I remember seeing Bill Ward snort and Coke off his drums. I was a freshman in high school.

Rudy, it was amazing. And they broke up, and I remember reading Cream Magazine about Ozzy. and then I remember the weekend John Lennon got shot. I went into the village to Bleakabobbs in New York City, and I saw the first EP of you guys. It was a four-song EP or a two-song EP, Mr. Crowley, maybe suicide solution, and I saw you, and my fucking heart stopped,

and I heard it, and you know the damage it did you and Randy Rhodes. I don't know if it was Tommy Aldridge, it was on the tour, I think, when I saw you guys. I saw you at the Palladium. April, 12th. Yeah. Did you come the first night or the second night? I think I went the first night.

I'm sorry, yeah, the first show. I think I went to the first show. I went to the first show. And I was a senior in high school maybe. No, no, I was like maybe a junior. And then I remember being a senior and Randy dying. I remember that. And it killed me.

Then I went to see him again with the guy from Night Ranger, I think. Yeah, yeah, Bruce. Brett. The garden? I think I went to see it to the Meadowlands. Oh, Middlelands. In Jersey. at that time.

Yeah, I didn't see the Garden one. I saw the Palladium and the Palladium for most people who don't know was I seen Judas Priest there, I seen Def Leppet open up for Judas Priest in 1980.

I saw bands there, Rudy, that was amazing. It was a movie theater, correct? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't see it, Compa. Yeah, I mean, you know, and that first Blizzard was tour, it was mostly

theaters and major markets like New York, and then we will come around and play more like hockey arenas in the B markets, you know, like in the Midwest and stuff like that. And then when we came around with Diaries and Mathemat, you know, tour got bigger, you know, bigger stages. That was pretty amazing. And how, you met Randy in Miami or how did you guys meet? No, no, I came to L.A., just like everybody else did in the mid-70s. You know, trying to. to make it because LA and New York, I mean, there was no YouTube. Nowadays, you can put a, you know, a video on YouTube and get discovered. Back in the day, you have to come to L.A.

L.A. in New York. I went to New York first because in the mid-70s, I traveled from Miami up to Utica, and I was in, you know, in the New York metropolitan area, trying to, you know, make connections. But it was too cold, too cold to survive, you know, to be a serving musician. So I headed out west, went up in Chicago, got in a band, played the whole Midwest circuit, and then got some money together and just headed out to L.A. I put it this way.

L.A. was the last stop because after that, it's the ocean. If there was anything beyond L.A., you know, I would have kept going, but, you know, I just stayed in L.A. for a few years trying to make it. And during that time, I played with Quiet Riot. And that's when I met Randy,

and the Randy Rose version of Quiet Riot. And we were like a big fish in a small pond. Local, you know, we were like local, local heroes. But at the time, you know, the music industry was now really interested in signing rock bands. They, you know, hot rock bands. They were just interested in signing like New Wave, punk, stuff like that. So they, you know, we were like in our early 20s and mid-20s because,

I was the oldest guy in the band, and the other guys were, like, early 20s, I was mid-20s, and they were saying, like, oh, you guys are playing dinosaur music, you know, the stuff that you're doing is never going to come back, you know. But we stuck your gun. That's the only thing we knew how to do, play hard luck. We weren't going to turn into the act or Devo or anything like that, you know.

We just didn't know how to. And then from there, Ozzy called. Ozzy called and Randy left. He joined Ozzie. He recorded Diary and Blizzard. of Oz and then when they were looking for a bass player Randy recommended me and that's how I got in the band

just in Randy's word of course I have to you know I have to be able to play oh you had some motherfucking chops dog by that time yeah but you know it's that at that time that almost seemed like secondary you know they you have to put things into perspective you know

Ozzy had not tour in the US solo yet and this is like, you know, they got me, like, within four or five days before they actually had to start the pre-production of the tour. They didn't know me from Adam. You know, the only one by Randy's word that this guy was not

a drunk or a drug addict, and, you know, he was going to show up and not disappear and be a screw up. So, you know, there were, you know, there was no tour support for the band, you know, for Ozies. As a matter of fact, Sharon's

family had to mortgage their property in order to finance the tour. It wasn't like, you know, the record company, Colombia, which is now Sony, was going to give him a whole bunch of money, you know, put money into Ozzy. Everybody thought that Ozzy was never going to make it. They thought that he's done. You know, he got kicked out of black salad. It's over. We're just doing this just to see what happens.

And basically that's what happened. It exploded, you know, thanks to incredible records and, you know, had Renews. rose in the band, Tommy Aldrich, you know, Ozzy, of course, you know, stuff like that. So, yeah, you know, they just took me on Randy's word. Yeah, this guy not only, he can play, okay, but he's not going to screw things up on the road. You know, just from that thought alone,

you're going to go down as one of the greatest, every metal basis of all time. I mean, that's the truth. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. I say that, I'm telling you from the heart of your hip-ing guy. You're really going to, you know, When they talk about heavy metal 20 years from now, 50 years from now, they're going to say fucking Rudy Sarzo, because from there, you went back to Quiet Ride.

Yeah, I went back to what's known as the Mental Health version of Quiet Ride. You know what? What really helped me maintain, keep my head, because, you know, actually, I wrote a book about all of this. Off the rails, right, right. Yeah, and it kind of like explains everything, you know. and by the time that I got the call to play with Ozzie, I had a spiritual foundation,

which is something that I highly recommend to any musician out there. Find whatever it is that you believe in and hang on to it because, you know, you may be hit by a shitstorm. A shitstorm of basically everything you ever dreamed of in your life and then 10 times or 100 times more it's going to happen to you. So you're going to have to like really learn how to deal with it,

how to handle it properly, because you might not be ready. And I know a lot of guys that, you know, we work from being starving musicians to all of a sudden, you know, we're like, you know, we're the shit. You know, we're like the most, you know, the most sought-after band or musician or whatever.

They just don't know how to handle that. You know, they, and in the old days you would get into this cycle of you make a record, you go on tour, get off tour, you make another record, you go back on tour. And it was like, you know,

after a while you said, you're thinking, wait a minute, there's got to be more twice than this. So a lot of the guys, you know, mentally they will never get off the stage. You know, that buzz that you get, like when you perform, you know, they always wanted to keep that.

You know, they'll get off the stage and start doing some drugs or hanging out and doing some, you know, whatever, drinking. And never lose the buzz in life. You know, I find out you have to balance that. You really have to balance it and make that buzz, that moment, really special. And once you get off the road or off the stage, find another buzz. Mine is my family and my spirituality. and when I say spirituality, you know, I'm not a preacher because I truly believe that, you know, spirituality or religion is something very personal.

Nobody can make you believe in anything. You have to find out for yourself, or it finds you, you know. And so that's what really helped me not go too crazy, put it in this way. I was surrounded by so much craziness And so much like when I first joined the band You know Sharon You know She wasn't married to Ozzy yet

So Sharon Arden She hoped that I will be like Ozzy's a drinking buddy Basically And because by then You know, Tommy Aldrich Was not going to be his drinking buddy He'd been around the block

Too many times to know better And Randy Randy had just been through Playing with Ozzy for a couple of years They have been through that So there was Ozzy all by himself And, you know, he was just to hang out with me. Actually, I hung out with him.

And, you know, I had to make a decision. I said, you know what? I was 30 years old by the time I played with Oz. And I said, you know what? I've been doing this and really going through a lot of shit to get to where I am right now. So I have to make a decision. Am I going to become a victim of this lifestyle or we're going to survive it? And I decided to survive it.

So I really pretty much stopped. drinking during that time just to get my head together and be able to deal with things. Also, Randy really helped me a lot. He was my mentor on the road. How to handle the situation? Because, you know, I see, Sharon, they can be very different from anybody that you ever met. So they got certain things, you know, little things, quirks and they play, you know, the pranksters and all of that. And you just, you know, you have to learn how to how.

understand where they're coming from. And Randy really help me. Really, really help. You're, uh, it's amazing. Rudy, I'm even on the phone with you. I'm sitting here listening to you, just thinking. Even White Snake in the videos, I remember seeing you like an 87 and White Snake, 88.

I just, you know, I remember years ago, 98, I bumped into Slash in Las Vegas at 4 in the morning. I couldn't sleep. You know, when you go to Vegas, you can't fucking sleep. I wasn't doing drugs. I wasn't drinking. and I just went for a walk and I seen him drinking coffee.

And I pulled over and I said, hello, I was a fan, and he talked to me, and I asked him why Axel left the band. And he said that sometimes, he goes, right now you're probably starving, you're having a hard time making a living as a comedian. He goes, you've got to remember this,

and you have to keep this, so you have to remember how hard you work, so when things start to blow up, you don't lose control. And I always remember that. Yeah, exactly. Exactly, exactly. You know, it's, you know,

I have this theory and it's to me it's beyond a theory because I can actually prove it so it's beyond a theory you know there's two ways of looking at at stardom

you know you can either become a rock star which guys like to me my opinion guys like Bono and Spain and Bruce Springsteen and so on you know they they use their fame and their fortune

to give others a voice you know and then you can become a rock casualty, which is the guy who I explained it before. It just goes on the road, gets high, gets up the road, gets high, and it becomes in this vicious circle

of existence. And then usually you either go to rehab and find some carous spiritual center, and then all of a sudden oh my God, yeah, I'm not doing drugs, I'm not doing drinking anymore. Hopefully, they'll find that or they die.

And I've known, you know, some people that actually passed away from the lifestyle. And then also I know some guys who, you know, are better human beings today because they are actually somebody, somehow, somebody, something came into their lives that made a difference and made them realize how their blessings, how blessed they are as, as human beings, you know, to be able to become a, you know, being a rock musician, you know, it is everything. You ever thought it was, you know, that it would be. You know, you get out there, you play, and you feel so wonderful because you're communicating to people with. true music, which is one of the most incredible tools of communication that there is. And, you know, you're, you know, it's hard on the road. You know, being away from the family, if you happen to have the family back home. You know, to me, that is the hardest thing, you know, being away from my wife, my little

dog, or being away from my folks, not being able to see them as often as I want to because they live in Miami. And, yeah, that's tough. But you have to survive that. You know, it's funny. As soon as I leave the house. to go on the road, my journey is actually to come back home. You're talking to me, too.

I can't wait to get the fuck home. Yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah, I can't wait to get home, man. Yeah, so it's along the way, I really enjoy and I appreciate everything, all the blessings along the way, but to me, that is the goal to make it back safely. You know, it's funny. And enjoy life, you know, enjoy life at home once again. I started comedy late.

You know, I got locked up and, you know, I got lost along the way. You know, I'm Cuban and the whole thing, and I started this late, and I didn't even get the spiritual waking until I was 44, and I stopped doing drugs. And I'm 50, really. My wife just had a fucking baby. She's 43. And I had to remember where, you know, it had a lot to do with me being Cuban that saved me.

I thought about my mother, and, you know, she raised me. I said Kuan Asson, and she was a single mom, and I got my face back, and I remember what my mom used to teach me that. No matter what's going on, you're always going to be a man. And when I came to L.A., you become submissive, Rudy. You become, yes, I'll do it, or you don't tell somebody to go suck your dick because you don't want to lose the opportunity in the future. And I forgot that I was a man for a couple of years, Rudy.

Because I got to tell you what's on my mind, Rudy. You know the school of thought I'm fucking from. You know how the school of thought we grew up from. You know, I look at these people that get bullied now, And I remember getting bullied and my mother taking me to the basketball court and making me fight the guy. Oh, yeah, yeah. My mom did the same thing. Yeah, I'm from a Cuban house where, no, no, no, no.

You know, you got to go. You can't come home down. You can't come home with a smack to the head. And, you know, Rudy, it saved me. It made me believe who the fuck I am. And today, Rudy, I do what the fuck I want to do? And if I don't want to fucking do it, my son-la-penga, I don't fucking do it. Yeah.

And, you know what? I let me interrupt you, but you just brought up something really, really interesting. what do you think about this whole issue about bullying? Because when I was a kid, you know, we got bullied. And my mom would say, hey, listen, you know, just go out there and, you know, be a man. You know, you know, and that really helped me through life. They helped me. He survived to deal with shit.

Because you're going to be bullied. As long as you're breathing, you're going to be bullied. You know, right me? So how do you deal with it? Are you going to be, oh, you know, complain to people about, you know, this guy or that woman is bully me or be bullied at work or do you stand up to it? Rudy, I have a theory. I can't believe

we talked about this. My wife just had the baby and when I go home now I have the baby from 8 to 10. So I put cartoons on and I put Dora the Explorer on and SpongeBob whatever his fucking name is and you know what man I grew up on fucking Popeye and Popeye you see

his ass kicked he'd go home and eat spinach and he go back and fuck a motherfucker up you know what I'm saying? And that's number one. Dora the Explorer ain't smacking nobody And SpongeBob He's a half of fucking fag So you know

That's the problem I mean Rudy I wish I was being funny with you I came home one time And the neighbor called my house To see how I wasn't My mother answered the fucking phone Rudy And I was in the shower

And she told my mother What happened that the kid pushed me And the next day When I got home My mother was there with a warm-up suit on And she's like come on We're going to the park And she told the kid

And she got the kid with 17 I was 12, and she told the kid you're going to hit my son, we're going to fight. Then she looked at me, and in Spanish, she goes, hit this motherfucker in the face as hard as you can. If you don't, I'm going to hit him, then I'm going to hit you. Isaac, how old I got to go to the idea that day.

It was over after that. That's exactly what my mom did. You know, and she said, don't take shit from anybody. You know, but what kind of a generation is being race right now in America? Because I don't know, this is, you know, I travel around the world, And I watch the news

I go to Japan, I go South America, Europe, and bully is not an issue. You know, you just fucking deal with it. And now here it's like, what, are we racing a nation of wimps? No, it's it's killing me lately. It's fucking

killing me. It's killing me because I don't understand. It just makes us look that weak and there's a documentary and it's sad on some levels, but in the other level, you know, Rudy, think about it. We were fucking Cuban kids in Jersey, one of the most racist states in the fucking world. You understand me?

I know the words speak backwards and forwards, and it don't bother me at all because I love those guys. And you know what, man? I mean, it's just, and that's why I said to you, when you first saw the Beatles and you came from Cuba, you were here a couple of years, what did it mean to you? Because the first time, I see Dick Van Dyke, and I cry, because that's how I learned to speak English. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but, you know, I don't know. I guess, you know, we came, my family came here as Cuban refugees. And, you know, it's, you have to, like, be tough to survive that. You know, the humility was whom my folks, my dad begging for a job, you know. That's, you know, you know, after being a couple of years in the school system, the states, they thought that I could speak English. So my dad would, like, bring me around every time he was looking for a job in Miami or New Jersey and be his translator.

You know, and that was really hungry because my dad, he hated being on welfare. And as soon as he could get a job, no matter what it was, he would do it. He was working in fiberglass. I don't know if you know about this industry in Miami. You know, they used to build boats. Right, right, right. And, you know, they put you in a tank with water. and a sander, you know, a sanding machine,

and the fiberglass will get into its pores. You know, there was back in the 60s, you know, there were no regulations, so I'm pretty sure if this is the legal now. But that's where it was. My dad used to come home and he would be itching from the fiberglass and his arms, you know, but he was working for a living. That's what you got your work ethic from, Rudy. That's why you go, you're always working.

If not, you're doing the fantasy camp with the kids. which I knew you were involved with, but I didn't know to that extent. Yeah, you know, yeah, it's kids and adults, you know. You know, the whole fantasy camp, you know, it's really interesting to me because I've met a lot of really, really good people in it. You know, people that, you know, just like you and me, you know, we had a dream of being entertainers, and then they graduate from college and they have a decision to make. am I going to go and pursue my, you know, my career as a lawyer or a doctor or engineer or whatever, or am I going to pursue this musical music dream?

And a lot of the times, you know, you know, you have to make a decision. And a lot of these people may, thank God that they make the decision to, you know, to become doctors and whatever. Because, you know, if everybody wasn't an entertainer in the world, we'll be screwed. We need doctors, we need engineers, we need people who are going to, you know, create new technology, people who are going to save lives and so on. But nevertheless, what's happening is along the way they lose their identity as musicians and a lot of them have very unfulfilled lives because they have this question of what if, what if I just kept going, I could have been the next Bruce Springsteen, you know.

And my mission is to actually have been really how it's been. reconnect with their identity as musicians. And once they do that, you know, they become better, better, more fulfilled human beings. Because music is such an incredible outlet. Just as being a comedian, it's for you. It's the arts, you know. So, you know, being a comedian, being a photographer, a painter, a writer, musician, it's all about communicating at this, at the highest human.

level that there is. Do you remember pastore music in Union City? Which one? Pastore music in Union City, New Jersey. Oh, you know, when I was a kid, I'm pretty sure I visited it. You know what I'm talking? I'm 30 seconds. I was around in the 60s.

Yes. I left New York in 67, so I'm not sure if it was around. Yeah, it was around. Pastore music is where everybody who played the garden had to go and get music supplies. You know what? On the third floor for about a year and a half, I learned to play the bass there when I was in the sixth grade, seventh grade. Then I became a singer of a band.

Then my voice changed and I was fucked, Rudy. You know how? Look at Michael Jackson. He made it. I don't know how to fuck I did it. His voice, the voice changes. It's all of Rudy, where do you eat Cuban food when you're around here? In L.A.? Yeah. Oh, listen, I used to be a fat little

bastard when I was when I was eating Cuban food at the kid. So I stay away from it. Really? You don't eat no more? Yeah, yeah. You know what I was. You know, back in the day, you know, your family would feed you a morozo, which was like basically a dinner. Right. And then you have an unamriene, which was basically another dinner in the middle, and then you have dinner.

So, you know, you're like three or four square meals a day, and I was square. I went to Miami two weeks ago, and the whole time I was there, I went to Porta Sagu to eat. Oh, but, but to Sago, oh, my God, in South Beach? In South Beach. Rudy, I went there for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yeah, yeah, that's like my wife's favorite. Oh, my God. In 92, we lived in an ocean drive in like 10 to 11, right down Rock and Roll Sushi.

It was a place there. Yes, yes. Yeah, there was a building, and we looked right there, and, boy, for about two years, all we did is hang out of purchase sidewalk and hit old at disco, because we were really good friends with it, just about every day. everybody that own a modeling agency or a club. And, yeah, it was amazing. Yeah, I love for DeSawa.

You know, there's a few of the old hangouts are not there anymore. And, you know, South Beach is not what a way. No, no, no, no. $12 for a bottle of water, Rudy. You know, and I saw it happen as soon as, you know, the day that Versacea was shot, man, everybody just left. you know, all the modeling agencies and the whole modeling industry

just picked up and went, you know. It was very sad. Rudy, I got to tell you, man. It was more on a pleasure for you calling in today, Rudy. Listen, a pleasure and it's great that we have so much in common, not just being Cuban, but

but so many friends. No, man, I remember seeing you in, I remember seeing you in the Kenneson fucking video. I mean, how cool was that? I was getting to stand up with Jimmy Schubert and Alan Steven. Sam.

Sam was a dear, yeah, Sam was a dear friend. You know, we used to hang out all the time. Yeah, because his, his, Malika, you know, who became his wife. And Sabrina, you know, they were friends of my wife. We shared the same management, H-K management, you know, Trudy Green. And that's how I got involved with Sam.

You know, I got a phone call one day. from Trudy Green, and she said, listen, you want to come down and play on Sam Cinnison's record, so, you know, we went down there and recorded Wild Thing. And I got to tell you, being around that guy was just phenomenal. What a great heart, what a great comedian. I mean, what a great human being, great friend. I'd had so many nights, so many, so many, right here.

It was nuts. It was crazier than any musician, including Ozzy, that I've ever met. That's amazing. And do me a favor for the people who are listening to the podcast. We do great with this, Rudy, and they're really going to love that you were on. You have a book, Off the Rails. It's on your webpage, Rudy Sarzo.com, right? Yeah.

Yeah, they can go to Amazon. You know, basically, I wrote the book to answer the number of one question I get asked around the world, which is, what was it like to play with Randy Rhodes, you know? And it took me about 300-plus pages to it, it took everything that I know. And I was reading that you took a journal of everything, so everything is very accurate when you wrote the book. Yeah, yeah. You were writing a journal.

Yeah, you know, I went from like sleeping on a floor, literally sleeping on a floor to making some dough and my family's accountant, you know, in Covici in Miami, say, hey, listen, keep, you know, keep records of everything you do, everything you do or all the places you go to, so you can use that for your taxes, you know, for your tax deduction. So I did. So I get meticulous records of everything that I did

on the road for the first couple of years. Then after that, I realized, you just, you know, get a credit card and keep some receipts, and everything will be fine. Rudy, you know, at a time when I was really confused in 88 is when I got locked up, you know, when I came on and I was confused about a lot of things, but it was guys like you that let me know

as a Cuban-American that I could do something with my life, bro. Yeah, you know, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. guys like, you know, Carlos Santana, you know, with a big, big inspiration, you know. The first time I heard the Santana record. God, damn, we play that shit here. That one, oh, my God. Yeah, I say, oh, my God, there's hope.

You know, because, you know, I mean, I know that we're running out of time. No, no, we got nothing but time. Trust me. You know, you're being Cuban, you're going to get this, you know, a lot of American rock musicians don't have the background that we have, you know, culturally.

Because, you know, we grew up with Afro-Cuban music. You know, when the slaves were brought to the Caribbean, as you know, they were split. They were either kept in the Caribbean or sent down to, like, you know, Central America, like Venezuela, certain parts of the West Indies, and the rest were shipped over to the United States. And the colonial, the Spanish colonial plantation owners, allowed the Afro-Cubans, you know, or the Africans to keep their instruments.

You know, that's why we have, you know, African and African-African music, you know, Caribbean music. But the ones that came to the United States were taking their bat-a, you know, all the konger drums away from them. So that was the birth of the blues. You know, I'm like jumping right into a point here. The blues was born in the Thucon Fields. they have no musical instruments, you know, and the reason why they were taking the musical instruments away

was because they feared that they would revolt and communicate from plantation to plantation, you know, with the percussion. That's how they communicated, you know. And so what I'm getting at is that whether you're a blues player or a Caribbean, you know, or an African-Cabian player, it all comes from the same place. It comes from Africa. It's all the same.

And to me, Santana was the perfect. fascination of that. He was African and he was blues. He was African-Uban and he was blues and to me that is rock and roll. You know, that is, that's the cradle, La Cuna, where everything comes from.

That is fucking beautiful. You broke it fucking down. There's these You know, you know, when I talk to him to American musicians, you know, they're not aware of that because, of course, they didn't grow up with it. So they don't have a reference. But if you look at a point of one,

And the blues, it's the same one four, five changes. It's exactly the same. You can take a Punta Guarito and do a Bibi King style, and it's a freaking same song. Have you ever seen George Santana play with the Funny All-Stars? They did it live in Japan and all that. Even then, even if you listen to that, George, who is, you know, Carlos' younger brother or older brother. Yeah, Malo. Yeah, Malo.

It's pretty fucking crazy And I grew up on the Cuban stuff Like I said My mother had the bar You know Tito Puente would play at the bar Celia Klupa Tico Who have one of the greatest

albums of all time I mean it's the It's the birth of Latin whatever I don't know if you listen to it But listen Going back to rock And going back to Cuban music

You've got to check out These Cuban bands Go to Rock in Cuba website And just like Posts all these, I mean, you're going to freak. Because, I mean, these guys are just as good as any of the Anglo metal dance.

Which is incredible. But, you know, but what's really interesting is that, you know, they don't have the same resources. Plus, they're in Cuba. They're in an island. I record it in the Bahamas, and I got to tell you, I understand now why reggae sounds the way it does, is because your strings, your musical instrument with the humidity, the strings die.

I'm telling you, I had to change the set of strings just like twice a day to keep them from, like, you know, to get some kind of action because it just becomes like this dead sound like boom. So imagine trying to play rock and roll with dead strength, it's almost like impossible. So I really got to hand it over to my brothers in Cuba, you know, who are carrying the flag of metal out there. Bro, it's been a fucking honor, Rudy. Unplacel, it's...

You just lifted this motherfucker. We got to go to Versailles, have some... You know what? We just grab Rich and Justin. You know, my buddy said he goes to the one of Encino, and it was delicious. He says he goes to Versailles and Encino

and gets the roasted chicken, lemon, garlic, whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah. He says it's fucking delicious. Yeah, yeah. One time, as in fact, you know Jim Florentine? Yes. Yeah, you know, he's an old friend of mine.

You know, I've known Jim before that metal show and everything. So I was hanging out with Jim, and we took Ronnie James Dio over to Versailles, the one in Antino, because Ronnie lives right out the street. And Ronnie looked at the menu, and he said, what's the meat? And they said, I was trying to say, and he picked, because I won't send you. Oh, shit. You know, and he loved it because he was a big meat eater, you know. So, yeah, so Ronnie, Ronnie was a big fan of Cuban truth.

Now Ronnie was in Jersey, right? I'm sorry? He was from New Jersey, Ronnie, Dave Dio, right? Cortland, New York. Cortland, New York. Jesus. Yeah. Obstead New York, yeah.

I saw him on the Black Sabbath tour with, listen to this, Philadelphia. the first tour with Heaven and How you know who opened for them? Sammy Hagar and Shaken Street. Oh, yeah. And the people were spitting at Sammy Hagar because it's Philadelphia. They don't give a fuck. Yeah. It's so amazing

playing with the two seminal slacks Sabbath singers. Ozzy and Ronnie. You know, it was just amazing. It's just amazing. You know, because I'd have to play all those songs. You know, with Ozzy, They had old

good of us, and then we recorded on Speak of the Devil a lot of Black Sabbath. I mean, it was old Black Sabbath. And then with Ronnie, as part of the set,

with Dio, he used to do a lot of Black Sabbath. So it was a plus Rainbow, you know, with Richard Blackmore. And hit his own, you know, solo stuff.

So, yeah. Rainbow Rising. Rainbow Rising was a great album. Rainbow, oh, yeah, all those records, which is phenomenal. Yeah.

On the last tour, as a matter of fact, May 16, it's going to be three years that he passed away. It's a three? Two or three? Yeah, three years. And I got to tell you, you know, we were, he was diagnosed on November 16th. I remember because it was like a couple days right before we were leaving for a tour of Europe with Dio. And, you know, we had been rehearsing for about three weeks. and he wasn't feeling good, but he was singing like an angel.

And since he had joined Heaven and Hell, you know, which was actually Black Sabbath, well, with a different name, he, we were not doing deals. I mean, I'm sorry, Black Sabbath maternity more in the set. So we were going deep into the deal catalog and the Rainbow Catalog. And now all the Rainbow stuff was written in concert pitch, you know, in 844.4, he was singing all this stuff. Amazing. We're thinking like an angel.

You know, we were going deep into all the stuff that he did with Rainbow. And it was just amazing to him saying all of that, you know. And I got to tell you, it's just, you know, six months later, he passed away. And it was just, you know, it changed everybody's life, you know, when you have such a loss. Because, you know, he almost made it. He almost beat the cancer. and about a couple of weeks before he passed away, they changed his medication because what he was,

the therapy that he was, the chemo that he was using was not really working. And then all of a sudden, he just took a turn. And he passed away May 16th, you know. And, you know, it's, you know, there's not a day that goes by that, you know, we of the GEO family, you know, don't think about running, you know,

You're a beautiful man, brother. Beautiful, beautiful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart that I'll pay it so forever and I will call you and do some coffee or something in the valley. Yeah, yeah, no, no. What do you live?

Oh, no. I live in the valley. I live in the valley, but listen, before you go, I just want to let people know to go to the, got to go to his Facebook and look at the pictures. You have a museum of beauty, including your family and your dog

and your mom and your dad and the key flag. I love you at all my heart, and then go. You get the book autographed or not autographed, read the book. I ordered it yesterday. I didn't have it, and I'm going to order it, and I really want to read through this. And like I said, you have a fan for life with me, brother. I love you at all in my heart, and I hope people got what I got out of this today.

Well, thank you. It's been such a pleasure, joy, you know, connecting. It's always so good to connect with my roots, you know, and you always, you know, you have helped me through that. So I really appreciate it. Love you, brother. Have a great day. God bless you. God bless you.

Yeah, let's definitely get together. I'm in the valley too. You cut any chicken heads with Santero? Because we'll cut some chicken heads and shit. Let's do you know a gruelly of this, oh no, you know. Decembre december, let's get together. Okay.

Santa Wabala. Done, brother. I love you. Stories growing up in Miami, you know, you know, I'm going through like, you know, Santerio parties, but that's another... No, I have, I have, I'm 50. I have 43 years. or Batala. They made Saint

when I was 7 on 148 Street and Broadway. I'm the real fucking deal. I ran from them when they were going to break the water in the ocean. Oh yeah, get my tornado. There pinga. I love you, buddy. Have a good day. God bless you. Holy shit. Holy shit.

I want to play some music so you can have a second to not explode. And then I want to talk to you about that. Hold on. I'm going to play some music real quick. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Oh shit, little Hector LeVana Wednesday. It's an extended motherfucker today.

Roll another joint. We're taking this motherfucker deep. Oh, shit. Have a great day today. I'm in Austin this weekend. No, no, no. I want to finish you. I'm in fucking Phoenix next weekend.

I'm a stand-up live. The weekend after that, I'm a governor's in Long Island. Get your hoodie, get your t-shirt. Joey Diaz. Dot net, you bad motherfucker. J.R.'s. over there making t-shirts for you get one and beside that you know I love you motherfuckers what but Lee what your fuck I just want to talk to you about that

because like what because it sounds weird but West New York is in New Jersey right so and we went there when we filmed the documentary and it was probably like 10 20 minutes from where you grew up right what like what are you thinking about right now I gotta go call my buddies and telling that this motherfucker grew up in West New York nobody knew that nobody fucking knew this kid grew up in West New York How crazy is that? And so that the Ice Man, the movie's coming up this week, the Ice Man. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

May 2nd, I don't know if I'm going to go see that shit. Fucking lies. Fucking lies! No, I'm happy he called in. This is the podcast of my life, guys. Rudy Sarzo, Jesus fucking Christ. Bobby Slaten, Jesus fucking Christ. I don't know what you need to do today.

You know what you need to do. The three sit-ups, jump in Jackson. You've got to do fucking 15 of them. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Go out there and make the best of your fucking weekend. Thursday, Friday, smoke dope, eat ass, stab a bitch. Whatever you need to do, be you, motherfucker.

You get one shot at this shit. I love you, cocksuckers. Lee, you got anything to tell these motherfuckers? Starting the juice fast. I'm going to start doing my YouTube videos again tonight. And take the scale. They want to see the scale. I'll do the scale.

I don't want to hear the fucking stories now. People call it me up saying Lee is fucking lions. I'll do a vine of the scale tonight and I'll do a vine of my recipe. I did a blog yesterday on Facebook, but that's it. Did you? Yeah, about the juice here. Follow Lee. Get together with Lee.

Juice. Tell yourself the stories when I came in today. He was whacking off in the living room and smelled like fucking tomatoes in there. Oh, Jesus. I got the tomato part of the whack-off. End up with, what are you going to end up with?

A little Dio, a little fucking something. Out of respect for fucking, how about in the heat of the night? Something for fucking. I had a Sato. All right, beautiful. Or do you want to, I wanted to play your cousin, Afonzo X. All right. You want to do that.

Veo. Veo. Veo. So give me two seconds. All right. So Joey Diaz. dot net and so you're going to be in Austin.

Austin this whole weekend rocking the fucking house Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Capitol City Comedy Club. Next weekend, stand up live with Ari Shafir. The other favorite Jew and the week after that May 16th, May 15th, I'm on Ardy Lang, Thursday night, Friday Saturday, I'll be live

in governors and at the brokerage in Long Island. Oh shit. Well, thanks, but that was great. Thank you, brother. Have a great weekend. God bless you and good luck with the mix. This is my cousin. Here you go, bitches. Veil ex-Alphano