The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 05/13/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #79

Episode Date: May 14, 2013

Danny B's brother Gary calls in to update us on how life has been since his release from 20+ years in prison. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com Use Promo code Church at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Ting. Visit church.ting.com for a $25 service credit or device discount. Streamed live on 05/13/2013

Today's episode is brought to you by Ting. Please visit church.ting.com for a $25 service credit or device discount. Oh shit. Oh shit. Monday, May something. What is it, 13th? Who the fuck knows? It's a beautiful day to be alive.

Records are breaking. It was 102 fucking degrees yesterday. Tremendous. A little James Brown in your life on a Monday. A little payback. This is what you're doing today. You got to get the money back. You spent all weekend.

Lee going to the movies with broads and shit Goes to the bars with broad spending money and shit Fucking guy Hit it Oh shit Oh shit We ain't fucking around today Oh shit

Oh shit Hit it Break that reefer out Stretch do some fucking jumping jacks Thank you a maker for putting you on this fucking planet Whatever it is Gandhi some Chinese dude God whatever the fuck of it is What's the story, though?

There's no story. What the fuck? There ain't no fucking story. Sure there ain't. What? I was thinking about this last night before you gave me shit today. Okay, I understand. Yeah, fucking, I would, I would like to be having sex. Relax. Hold on for one second, and then you can wait for 26 minutes. All right. I fucking, yeah, I would like to be banging chicks and having sex. But we're different people. I'm the kind of guy. If I see a dog on the street, I'm going to fucking pet it. I'm not the kind of guy who's going to go to a chick sleeping on my sex.

couch take my dick out hit her in the face and be like suck my dick it's goofy when i do that sit relax relax no you come in you just take a look at me oh ashamed of this girl lived on this couch for three months i don't want you to attack the chick yes you too while she was on the couch you should have been banging her you shouldn't have been playing fucking home on the range here like you know watching tv like look at he he he he he you should have been giving her a stab and she's a good girl she likes you but she moved out with that goofy fucking brother and now she's making you

take her out on Friday and Saturdays with some third party you're wasting your fucking time you let her go into a friend zone that's it it's over she didn't make me it was her birthday and I took her yeah yeah in that birthday you fucking oh Jesus Christ once I walk in and the Chinese chickens there's China woman

the dragon lady I go to the car I got a phone shell off my wall on the car pium god I had fucking I walked out to you're going to show up to meet some chicken there's a chick with it. That means you're in no danger. One fucking girl, that means they're playing block. Get it together, though. You're part of the church of what's happening fucking now.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Get it together. You're not a fucking cubs guy. I'm not together. But there's different people in the fucking church. Yeah, I know another Jew? Arisiofee. You know what that guy does part-time? He gives out chlamydia. That guy's got more chlamydia fucking get out of jail cards and everybody I know he's Jewish. And he started at like 35. No, he did not. Yes, he did. Since I've known the Jew, he's been slinging dick. Because you know why?

He's a Jew. Cut it out. I'm going to go out with two girls and stand there while they look at other guy and you're that guy. Don't let that happen again. You're part of the church of what's happening now. Don't make me sick the fucking water box out here to come up here and take your fucking water and then drown you by mistake. Cogsucker. This is what I got to deal with people.

He's got to deal with. You know what I'm saying? He's my gumbari-ish. This guy. Love him to death. And he got himself into a friend, he's happy. And then last night, he got talking to the fucking Gatsby. The Gatsby!

Not Iron Man, not the Ice Man, not fucking any of the fucking man. He gets caught up with the fucking Gatsby again with two fucking brads. Sitting there giggling at the movie. Fucking guy, you're lucky. I have a cigarette. Burn your fucking... You give me shit for Iron Man last week. No, it's okay.

I'd rather go see Iron Man with the one broad, but you keep getting to him hanging out with two bros. This ain't friends. See, your generation is friends. Let's be friends with these fucking savages. No. You got to get your balls licked and your dick suck. Then you become friends.

Then you'd be friends and we hang out. We drink coffee. But once you stay, you know what I'm saying? Get it together, guy. You embarrass them. You're part of the church of what's happening now. That's why when Jordan fucking told me, even if you showed me a picture of a little Chinese pussy,

I know you didn't get pussy. You had them both here taking pictures like a Momo. I'd bring them back, throw the Chinese chick off the balcony, right into the fucking pool. bang this one, then jump off the pool and attack the Chinese woman. I would love to have a time machine. You talk all this shit.

I'd love to see you at home doing coke, looking at windows, not fucking anybody. That's right. My girlfriend was sleeping. I already had a girlfriend. But when I was doing blow, I'd go out there and get... If I met a victim, I was all over it. You know, girls would call and say, come over.

I got people over here. No. I wouldn't go over there in my cocaine. What am I, the jolly pirate? You haven't even lick my... No. And I would hold on to that thing until somebody licked my fucking balls.

I ain't slinging out blow like Yeah, well, I don't have blow. Well, you don't have to. But you have to have the mindset. It's all in the mindset. Speaking of which, don't fuck around for you. Let me tell you what I've been doing lately. I've been living off these fucking hemp forces.

I lost four pounds last week, fucking around with this hemp force bar. It's like 11 grams of, 7 grams of protein, the fucking fiber. I ate one before the flight to Arizona, and I was fine because I don't like flying without shit in my stomach. What flavor is it? It's vanilla chide. Yeah, that sounds good.

A little chie seeds that throws it off. Very nice. man. Go to audit.com, get your fucking party started. They got this and this is the new thing right here. This, uh, Anit 180, fucking tremendous. I took one after my flight

no jet lag, I slept like a fucking baby. That's how we roll here. What, Lee, what, what, what? You're gonna fucking hit me with some fairy tale or something like that. Anyway, it's not a fucking fair Arizona was great. I fucking bombed. Me didn't. Yes, I did. Arizona was great. I couldn't connect with you. I don't like big audiences

no more. I'm having a hard time. I like those little comedy rooms, you know what I'd rather be broke. I don't want to fucking perform for a fucking big audience. It drives me crazy. Really? Yeah, I like those little rooms. I can connect. I can look everybody in the eye.

Yeah, Arizona was tough on Uncle Joy, but I'm happy you came out. There was some beautiful fucking women. Ari kicked ass. The guy before that kicked ass was a great show. I'm happy you motherfuckers came out and had a phenomenal time. How is he looking in New York? How are you looking at all? How is already looking at him?

I have no fucking idea. What am I? The welcoming committee? I don't give a fuck. Why I talk to your friends? You just come up with these random things. How the fuck do I know how my friend... You think I actually called the Ari and said...

No, you were with him on Thursday. How are you like in New York? He hasn't been in New York. He got there yesterday. I thought he said... No, he's been there for like two weeks. No, he has not. Please.

He was here last Friday. He did a show at the improv. Then I went with him in Arizona, and he went to Vancouver with Joe. What are you talking about? I don't know. Don't let me put this fucking fake signal with the eyeball, cuckuck.

Anyway, I do... Listen, for all you motherfuckers will keep bugging me and bugging me and bugging me. I got one guy. Give me a review on the Godfather. It's on every fucking other Sunday Copsucker. But I did go see the Iceman. What do you think? Very disappointed.

What was it? The acting was great. The acting was great, but the story, why do fucking people take us a couple weeks ago, I went to a pitch meeting with a friend of mine, and they had two writers in the room, and these guys came up with something. I stopped them in the middle, because I can't do it no more. And I said, can I ask you a question?

Why are we making stuff up? We got to have a story. The story is this. This is what happened. When I said the first line, they looked at me like, that's fucking, yeah, because you're making up something.

Those are more stories to catch up on. Okay. It's like telling a lie. You got to remember that fucking lie. Don't tell it. You got to remember that fucking lie. Don't tell it. So don't open up a door.

I can something's closed. They had this thing that he was a hit man way before fucking the guy approached him. So they took the story and they condensed it to put it into a film. And it just didn't work. It didn't. It was all lies.

Like the guy who played Mr. Softie, you know, and all this shit. That just, was I very disappointed? No, I expected a kink. The acting was great. Winona Ryder was great. James Franco did one fucking scene. Really? And it's a scene that he told him the fucking document

that he went to collect from the guy on Christmas Day. That's the whole fucking story. And that the guy got in his hands and knees, started praying, God, don't shoot me. So he goes, I'll tell you what, I'm going to lock you in the room for an hour. If I come back, if God helps you get out, I won't shoot you. But if I come back and you're still here, I'm going to fucking shoot you.

And he shoots the guy, he comes back, and the guy's in the room praying. He shoots him, he goes home, and the interviewer says, how did you feel shooting somebody on Christmas Day? What did you do? He goes, I went home and played with my kids. He goes, and how did you feel? He goes, I was pissed because they didn't have the screws in the box. You know what I'm saying? So why are you making up the story that you go over there and James Franco's fucking a 17-year-old and you shoot him?

It was just made up like they condensed everything. The gangster, he shot him in a cemetery. He never shot that gangster. That gangster went to jail. It was supposed to be this guy named Nino Gaji. They ended up shooting him. Why? So the gangster that played him was identical like Nino Gaji.

I forget what name they gave. But the guy Ray Liotta played, Radeo didn't look like that guy if the guy was a friend. fat fucking guy like me. He was a fat, stocky Italian guy like me. Ray Leota, between the cocaine and the fucking surgery, these fucking idiots are doing that, you gotta see his fucking face. Is it awful?

They're all gonna look like fucking Mickey Rock at the end. Oh, no. They're all, that's what they're all going for. The Mickey Rock look. The Jew chick, that does celebrity fashion. Okay. It looks like a fucking monster. She's terrible, yeah.

She looks like a fucking monster her in her daughter. The daughter's cute. I like that little Jewish look. That little fucking nose like that. I like that. I love Jewish girls. Always have. But that plastic surgery,

listen, just be yourself. Look at this face. You think anything can help this fucking face? By the way, I went to the dentist. Yeah? And I here I thought I had green teeth from smoking weed and all the... The dentist is like, dog, you're in good shape.

He was coming back, give me $637. He goes, you have the beginning of the cavity in the back, but everything else is fucking good. Oh, that's what happens. Yeah, I was looking at my teeth. I'm like, oh, the weed is fucking up when I'm getting like purple fucking teeth. But I went over there,

they're going to steam clean them. Nice. Put some lysol in between the fuck. Well, you smoke cigarettes for a while, too. Cigarettes, I eat ass. I don't do the fuck. Because everybody's worried about, your teeth get stained when you drink coffee. Your teeth get stained when you eat ass, but they can't tell you that in the advertising.

You know what I'm saying? What the fuck, Lee? No more this shit with this chain. Okay. You got one more shot to take Ashley out and put it in her fucking mouth. One time. If it don't happen, it's over because you're just wasting your time. No, I'm not.

wasting your time unless that's what you want to do. Unless she's a fagg and you're having her and her girlfriend help you bust out of the closet. Jesus Christ. Is that what it is? So you have no female friends now? Not like that. I do, but I don't. I'm not going to hang out with two of them in the fucking bar. And I never did after that. Well, you don't go with anyone in a bar.

You don't watch football games. No, if I go over there and she's at the bar and I'm waiting for a package, I went to bars all the time waiting for a package. You have one drink and you leave. You have one drink? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-in-you-leve. There's no prospects there. And then what? and you go home and you bang a fucking

you call somebody. You only Saturday nights I've spent here alone I went out and I had a good fucking time she just broke up with her boyfriend so fucking relax It took two years for her to break up with her boyfriend After he left three months ago Lee please

What? Don't embarrass me Lee Don't embarrass me! Don't embarrass me! I have friends! I have friends! I have friends By the way he was in that fucking movie, friends Swimmer? Schumer was in that movie How do you do? Terrible.

I mean, he was... No, let me ask you this. So you know the story. Yes. They change stories a lot to make movies interesting. If you didn't know the story, was it a decent movie?

I guess. Not nothing. It just, I didn't like the fact there was one point where Ray Leota goes to his house on his daughter's birthdays and threatens him.

If you know anything about this guy, we know anything about the psyche of a killer. If you know anything about this guy, there's a scene in a movie they open up with their shooting pool. That's one of the scenes where he opens up

in the documentary. where he says that he slit the guy's neck and he lit him on fire in the fucking car. Okay. Jesus Christ. The guy said something to him at the pool table and he was calculated. He went out, sat there and waited for the guy to leave the bar drunk and he fucking caught him. He put the seatbelt on him and tied it and lit the motherfucker on fire and slid his neck. Jesus. Okay.

This is one of his first murders. It got to the point, you know, in 83, I would drink. Okay. In 83 and 84 and I would drink in Colorado. got I drink like not Jack and Coke but Southern Comfort and orange juice Okay

And I would see the devil I'd want to steal You know what I'm saying Like I had the urge to steal Oh it's southern comfort And there were two nights One night I drank like four Southern confers I did a few bumps of Coke

And I was walking home And I seen a pharmacy And it had those doors That you open this way Yeah With a bolt Okay Dog I put my feet on the fucking door

And it was just Buck that motherfucker Open And I went in there And I opened up the register I couldn't get nothing open and everything, but they had, like, petty chains. It's not crazy I was.

Jesus. You have a lot of balls making fun of me, and you drink amaretto and milk in Southern Comfort and Orange juice. I drink... By myself. Not sitting there with two fucking brugs. Hey! Hey!

And you're not getting who gods from the both of them. Ha! Ha! ha! Yeah. Look at him. He's cute. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You sit there like a fucking mortuvon.

Drinking stamincha juice. Then you're juicing, and then you're telling me, no, I'm juie. I'm juke. and then you're out drinking vodka tonics, but you can't even fucking... What do you drink?

I drink Maker's Mark and Coke. Whatever. Whatever. It's a man-lake-you drink. You drink a man drink, but check like a woman, hanging out with two women, not getting new guys,

playing fucking the lesbian, the third. Don't fucking piss me all. Don't let this shit happen no more. God's like it. So that's the deal on the fucking movie to do that. I didn't like it. Plus,

something else happened this weekend that I always knew about myself. And it's a beautiful thing when people think that they have to be good at everything. You don't have to be good at everything, guys. You don't have to be good at everything. And I'll tell you what I fucking get a zero for. Like in a one to 100 guests.

Oh, really? Oh, that was a horrible thing with my nephew this weekend. What, like what happened? I just can't have. Listen, you want to come, and I do this all the time, I deter people from my hometown to come visit. Because first of all, I don't want to hear that stupidity. I don't want to hear that Jersey shit.

That jersey shit is old. I don't want to fucking hear it no more. Especially when you're in a restaurant trying to be around white people. These are white people. You got to mix in. He's over there saying niggas and spicks and fuck. From the minute he got in the car with my wife and the baby, he goes, I did some chick last night.

That was the end of the conversation of my wife. My wife's like, drop me off. I don't want to be around this guy. Oh, Jesus. How old is he? 19-20. Sweet kid. I grew up with his family, very nice.

They're young. And there's nothing I could do for you. There's nothing I could do for you. It's not Jersey where I could walk you into a bar and say, give him a drink. Number two, I won't do that. I won't do that. You know what I'm saying? He was pissed because I wouldn't get him a drink at the ha-ha.

I won't do that. Whether I like the ha-ha, I don't like the ha-ha. They have a liquor license. Yeah, and you work there. Yeah, I work there, so I don't shit where I sleep. That's the problem when you're young, you shit where you sleep. Yeah. When you do this shit, you don't shit where you sleep.

You know what I'm saying? Oh shit What's up baby Hey good morning Coco How good morning to you First of all I want to say happy birthday to you Gary You're 44, 42, 43

44, brother So I've known you for 30 fucking years Since you were 14 and you ate the mushrooms Absolutely And I never did them again You never ate mushrooms again? Nah, nah That was the only time

You don't have a good trip I would take them right now I had them. No, you wouldn't. You're on parole. You can't be doing that shit. They piss test yourself. No, I know that.

I can't. I won't even take a chance like that. I'm actually being deported today. That's what your brother was saying. But it's funny. I read something the other day on, I was thinking about you for the last, like, 10 days because I woke up the other morning.

I was going through Google, and they had an article about ex-felons, how there's a trend. Something's going on that the last two years, the recidivism rate has gone down. Yeah, if you like they say if you stay out over a year, your odds increase of staying out. Even two years, it increases much more to like 80%, so forth. How long have you been out for, Gary?

Six months now. You sound great. You're doing good. You know, I always check up on you. I watch, you know, I always talk to your brother and I ask them. Yeah. Because I don't want you to think I'm your extra probation officer. Yeah, you know, it's like, you know, if it wasn't for my brother, Danny's big, you know, I'd be out of luck.

He'd been taking care of me, you know, I'm grateful, you know, he's really killing him with the baseball, you know. I got to give a shout-outs of my brother, Danny B.com. You know that. No, no, no, you got to give him 10 shoutouts. I know he's been doing good with the baseball. I know. Yeah, he's killing him with that. Danny's always been good at all that type of shit.

The problem is people want you to, nobody can win every day, and nobody wants to. wants to take the hall with you. You know, we're going to lose seven games, but we're going to win 15, so I'm going to get your eight net winners. Yeah, exactly. No one's a profit, you know? No, we can predict everything. No, everything's the best thing is to analyze the numbers.

That's all you can do. Fucking money ball. Money ball. So how are you feeling? What's going on? I know you're working. I know you've been working with your brother trying to help him out a little bit up there. Yeah, absolutely.

You know, it's a headache guy. You got to go back to Jersey. and stay there to refile my paperwork to have a fair chance up here in Pennsylvania. You know, it's a distraction. It's wrong. You know, they just make it harder for me to, you know, to get my life together, you know.

It's terrible. It really is. You know, it gives me not to my stuff. I just want to do the right thing. It's like every time I get comfortable, a curveball close my way. It feels that, you know, they told me when I got it,

I was fucking, I lucked out. Gary because I went back to court and got my sentence reconsidered. Yes. Two years in, they reconsidered my sentence to a county, a community correction sentence. So I didn't have to do parole. I had two years of community. You know, they still came to my house,

and they still pet testing me whenever they wanted to. They had to have my number and my address anywhere I went. I had to get court permission to go out of the state. I had to give commission to get out of the fucking permission to get out of the county. but it wasn't parole it wasn't the insringency if I smacks somebody I'd go back to prison you know the fucking deal

but it's amazing the shit they put you through for you to stay out it's hard enough society's hard enough now they want to make you go back to fucking jersey they told you your brother told me they told you that you said something

about not having a place living they tell you to go back to a fucking shelter yeah it's happy you know a good thing I found this deal but in order for me to stay there I got a banger I got to pit myself out, you know? And she got this killer dog that, you know, when I bang her,

the dog got to be muzzled and shit so don't attack me. It's crazy. Are you serious? I'm dead serious, you know? She's like, if you want to stay here for a few days, you got to bang you. So I'm like, all right, but I ain't banging you in the pussy. You can blow me. Is she cute?

That's she all right. I give her, like, I have a 10 or four. All right. She got a mouth and a hole in her leg. As long as you got one leg, you're in business. You know what I'm saying Lee Hold on to his fucking face You see what I'm saying Lee

He's out there pimping him fucking self out And over here you're having dinner with two girls Hey hey hey hey hey I'll fucking stab you cuck's What can I do you know I'm proud of him You sound really good Listen man I'm a convict I bet a lot of ex-comvicts

You sound tremendous You sound great man I appreciate that Hey I even like went on that site Cairston 360 You know dot com and all that, you know, and I was getting, like, you know, filling out stuff. And this one guy contacts me, he's like, hey, Gary, I can get you some work, so I call him up.

I'm like, I'm like, hey, I can get you quick money. He's like, hey, do some point. I'm like, listen, man, where are you? Come meet me. I want to stick it down to his mouth. Even assault me like that. He wanted you to do a point? Yeah.

He's like, I don't know where his bank is to stick him up. No, yeah. I was like an insult to me, like. before I even sell myself like that. I'm going to tell you something, Gary. I got a lot of people email me and they ask me about gas. You've gotten into a lot of people's hearts, man.

Because a lot of people, you know, it's funny. I get along great with Ari Shafia. And Ari Shafia is a friend of mine that if you look at him, you go, why was he hang out with Joe Diaz? Well, I'll tell you guys a secret. Ari Shafia's dad got put away for a while. So, Ari, growing up,

you always tell yourself, my dad's not a bad person. You know? Yeah. An ex-felon isn't that bad of a person because you contact one. To the rest of America, when you say ex-felon, they look at you.

And you know what? Do you live like an ex-fel or you live like a human being? Yeah, it's crazy, Coco. Yeah, I didn't hear you. I could get to any something. I'm sorry, brother. No, I'm saying. Do you live like a felt like when I got out of jail,

I decided right there I wasn't going to be a felon. I decided I was going to be a human being. Fuck that felon shit. I never filled out the paperwork. I never, for years, I lied. I lied on job applications and they come back and go, you came back a felony. I don't give a fuck what it said. I'm not a felon.

I didn't even argue with the motherfucker. I wasn't a felon. Yeah, because you got your thing overturned. You got a fix. No, no, no, but I'm still a felon on paper. But in my heart, I'm saying. Right, in my heart, I'm not a felon. Like, if you ask, like, I still get shit from, to do jury duty.

I don't go to that because, fuck you. I ain't doing jury duty. But, you know, what? Go ahead. Well, man, I might have been a bank robber and a racketeer, but I'll tell you one thing, at least I was never a lawyer. That's worse. Why is that?

Yeah. Why is that? I like lawyers. I don't know. They did me wrong. They sold me out. Even when I was supposed to go home when they were holding me illegally. All they did was rob our money and didn't do nothing.

And they knew I was being held illegally passed on Max, and they still kept me in there. And they didn't do nothing. How much did you pay a lawyer? How much did you spend on lawyers? over the years, Gary. Too much. Too much.

It's like, you know, I want that money back, but I can't, you know, at least not legally. It's amazing. It's amazing how I was involved with two things, and they fucking rape me on them.

Like, when you're involved in a case, though, I was involved in a case in an assault when I was young in North Bergen. It happened to North Bergen, it happened to North Bergen, Union City, that every, I gave this guy money

for three fucking years. I had to give him. her money like 15,000 fucking dollars. Oh, it was And for my divorce, that attorney, I forgot what his name was. I would take him to the fucking court today. He destroyed my American Express

account. This guy would call me every Friday, and he'd say, dog, I need this much, $1,400, because they're $400 an hour. So you talk to these guys on the phone for an hour, you're thinking that you're talking to them, they got the fucking timer on. It's amazing. Yeah, it's all a scam.

It's just like these people, you know, they were It's supposed to be an innocence project in Newark, the Project Freedom Fund. And this guy he runs it, Bruce Bricolo. You look him up, right? I didn't find out until I came home. I googled him, and he's a scam artist. He's one of the scam from his home, him and this other guy.

They were scam artists, taking all prisoners money, and never getting him home. So what do these people do? Nothing. The whole thing was a scam, but they wouldn't a lawyer's diary. and everything. And then when we Googled them, and then the other guy, Mark Bailey,

he turns out to be a convicted arsonist, another scam artist. So those were back-to-back lawyers who are promising, hey, we're going to get you out. You didn't hear illegally? It turns out, when I Google these guys, they're all con artists and convicted felons.

So these guys have a project called what? Run it by me again. Hit this bite. It's called the Project Freedom Fund. If you look it up, you Google it. It's called... His name is... Bruce Biccolo, B-U-C-C-O-L-O.

And the Project Freedom Fund does what? Yeah, it was supposed to be an innocence project to help persons get out who are falsely incarcerated. You know, I get my thing, but I was past my max. They hold him 19 more months past my max. This guy sold me the world, and Danny Faye and the money left and right. The guy had no intentions. They held you 19 months past the time you're supposed to get out? Yeah, exactly.

Holy shit. And I filed a pro se motion. It took another convicted lawyer in prison who filed the paperwork for me. And I got in Hudson County and the judge saw it, the judge in state, you know, this man's past his max. And as soon as I went into the court, they'll get him out of jail right now. And that's how I got out. It took another inmate, convicted inmate, to file a motion, a pro se motion, motion to get me home.

John Kufos. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, that's how I got home. Not from a lawyer, from another prisoner who got me home. So these people, this freedom fund, whatever, these people out of Newark, they advertise in the prisons that they'll get you out, and they make their families give you money? Yeah, exactly.

And then the lawyer's diary. You can't be in a lawyer's diary unless you're certified as a lawyer. You got your license, and how are they getting in the lawyer's diary? You know, Danny paid, you know, $5,000 to these people, and all they did was sell us a dream. Yeah, it was terrible. It's amazing. You see it right there, the articles by the Attorney General's office, everything.

It's amazing when you're in jail, and there's people out doing that shit, and here you are in prison eating fucking cat food, and there's people out there scamming people fucking legally. It killed me. But, hey, man, listen, you know. And you know what the sad part is, Coco? No one investigated. That's a federal violation by civil rights,

and no one came in investigating why I was held past my max. this day. Not one person, not the U.S. attorney, nobody. Not the feds, hey, why was this guy passed his max? Why? 19 months past his max. No one. No one wrote me a check here. You're illegally 19 months. Here's a check all way. Nobody. They just swept it under the rug. It's crazy. Like, where's my justice? And you did how much time altogether? Uh, 21. 21 years. Yeah. It was all revenge for when I escaped.

It was all retaliation for when I escaped. That's all it was. And the court saw it. Good thing, I had a good judge when we did that pro se motion in Hudson County and the state. I'm so glad that that happened. If it wasn't for them, I'd still be rotting there. You know, I'm glad they had a heart and did the right thing. And you know what?

I even filed a what he called a 1983 federal lawsuit while it was being held illegally. And the federal court saw the same documents out of being held illegally and turned me down. And I went to a lower court, and the lower court got me out on a pro se motion. Where was the justice? A federal judge saw it. The federal judge told me I had to go to a lower court to go home. But you knew I was being held illegally, and you still holding me illegally. You could have forced them to get them out of jail right now.

You make me go to a lower court when you're superior. And why were they holding you illegally? It was a retaliation from when I excused. States and 98. So how long did they hold you illegally for, 19 months? Yeah, 19 months. I was supposed to go home April 4th, 2011 from federal custody. And they took me right back to Jersey.

Jersey, like, no, this man ain't going home. No way. And they even told me to my face, my God, that. We don't care what your time is running concurrent. You're not going home. You didn't go home. You're going to home. You're like, I'm a terrorist.

It's a crazy part. It's like they did some patriotic. that shit on me. To this day, no one came to investigate the Department of Corrections in Jersey. Now one person,

not the Fed's nobody. Crazy. You know, I would hate to get caught up in that system again. You know, it's terrible. That's a fucked up system. It ain't like I got a bunch of money.

I can hire a good, good attorney, you know, to go and get me my investigation. You know, where's my job? It hurts at times. It hurts my pride, but what can I bill?

I'm power. I don't have a bunch of money and nothing like that And you don't understand when you get in trouble And they get locked up and you're sitting there in that cell You're fucking powerless There's no you have no control over life outside Your four foot fucking eight cell You know so you just at one point you just give up

Like a party who knows that there's You know when you're locked up and you're trying to get a hold of your attorney It's not like you're on the street And trying to get a hold of your attorney If your attorney don't answer the phone after three days You grab a fucking call You have your grandma drive you down there when you're in jail. There's nothing you could do and the people that are around you. They're your friends, but they got lives You can't I can't call you Lee and go Lee go get it down there at 10 o'clock

Ask this month. No, I can't say nothing to Lee Lee Lee's busy with two bruds talking shit at a fucking bar going to see the great Gatsby Anyway, this fucking kid over here. I need you to come out here and straighten them out for a few weeks Gary take him into the Gary fucking found that He's sitting there looking like Paul what's the guy's name for me then? What's me? Meathead's real name from From what? From all in the family? I have no idea. Oh, yeah.

He's Rob Reiner. You look only Rob Reiner every day. Look at you. He's getting skinny. He's getting good. He's drinking the juice. He's on the fucking prison. Cale program.

They got him doing jumping. You do some jumping jacks for Uncle Joey today? Finish the... Let's talk to Gary. All right. I'm talking a fucking Gary. Cocksucker. Put him in chess.

He's a good dude, man. This is my brother over here. Nah, I believe that, man. So how much pro-parole you? you got left? To 2015. That's not bad. You know, but still, it's a hassle.

I shouldn't be answered to no one. Being held illegally, and I still owe parole. How the hell is that? Where's the justice? Hey, we're letting you out, but you're still an old supervision? Nah, for real. So now, how much longer do we have to go to New Jersey for and stay there until you go back to the place?

I don't know. I got to see him by 4 o'clock. They're going to refile the paperwork. And he'll tell me there. You know, like how long would it be and this and that. At least you can give me a travel and pass to come back up here. Why can't you do that? Why are you going to make me be allowed so much temptation, to be honest?

And you got a nice night. And you're doing good day. Hey, I love, my boss is here for you. I love you, buddy. Go knock them dead. Good luck in court. Good luck. Keep me posted.

We're going to have you on again. You know, we love you. Hey, I love you, Coco. All right, brother. I love you, too. Danny B. Win. Stay black. Amen. Bye, bye, brother.

That's crazy 19 months. That's fucking crazy. And listen, I understand that you did the crime. Now you got to do the fucking time. But in your mind, you're going home. When you get locked up, they give you paperwork. And that paperwork, it's like a yellow piece, a pink piece of paper. It tells you your release date.

It tells you when you do 16 months and you're eligible for a halfway house. It talks about, you know, like when you do county jail, let's say you do 90 days in county jail counts two for one. Okay. So that's 180 days comes off your sentence. That's a lot of math. That's a lot of math. Yeah, so they do all this estimated.

Let's say you do perfect behavior. You get out six months fucking early. You take some classes. You can take Judaism classes. You know the fucking deal. You don't play some dirty women from you, Black Sabbath or what? No, we're going to play this. We haven't played it yet today.

For my beautiful mother, it was Mother's Day yesterday. It was a rough mother's day yesterday. It was? Yeah, because for the first time when she's been gone, I'm a really fucking utopia. I have a family. I have a little baby girl. And if anybody she should have seen this baby girl.

you know what I'm saying? Oh yeah. Two, pick up the motherfucking pieces. Did you guys have a good day? I mean, I know that it was tough without your mom, but Terry must have been happy. Oh, we had a great day. Wasn't it close to Mother's Day, like last year they found out? Yeah, yeah, it was the weekend of Mother's Day.

She told me a year ago today. This reefer is on fire. This is Skywalker from Divine Wellness is beautiful. They have a, what do you put the music on? Some Royal White over there, but Noho, organic, got the satellite, good Googling movie. I've been fucking stoned all weekend, eating satellite

and Cheebo bars were back, Lisa, yeah. Jesus Christ. So quickly, what did you want, you were talking about your nephew visiting and it doesn't work out for you? I'm not good at hosting. I've never been very good host. And you have to live with that.

Some people have to call me. If he would have called me and said, I have a car, and I'll be out there and I'm meeting with a girl, it would have been a lot easier. I could have gone to do my thing, but I can't have somebody around me all day because I'm not good with them. I'm not going to go to Malibu. You know, there was tons of traffic on the 101. Yeah. I'm not going to fucking Venice Beach. You know, he wanted to go to Hollywood, and I'm like, like the night when we left the movies.

Yeah. Because I want to go to Hollywood and I go for what? Well, I knew you could get me in a bar. I can't get you in a fucking bar. Yeah. They don't play that. He thought it was Jersey 20 years. He's like, well, do your friends get you on bars in the city of New York?

No. So why the fuck do you think I would do it here? It's a tough age when you're... It's fucking tough. And it's... You know, but again, again, I talked to a friend of mine a day after. Like, the Friday night I dropped them off and I went home and went to sleep, and I had to run errand Saturday morning.

One of my friends called me and I told... And my friend said, he goes, you know, we were more like... When we were 15, we were 25. Yeah. Our mind was somewhere else. I don't know. He was raised by his grandparents. The funny thing was, here's what really got me out of the whole weekend

that I told my wife last night. And that if you listened to my words correctly, I looked at my wife last night and I said to her, the first words my daughter is going to say, I'm not going to be mommy or daddy. It's going to be thank you. Yeah. Because the whole weekend, the kid didn't say thank you.

He went to, yesterday we went to get spaghetti at Pinocchio's. And he said, yo, let me get meatballs and pasta. There wasn't a please. He didn't pick up his dish. There was just so many things that were fucking wrong that at 19, at 14, I didn't do those things. When I lived with my mother and I was spoiled and I would just eat breakfast and leave my dish in front of the TV. And she would tell me and I'd leave it there the next day. I couldn't do that when my mother died.

So I learned the hard way. People told me one time, I'm not your mom. Yeah. I'm not your fucking slave, you know. You know what? There wasn't a please. There wasn't a thank you. So wait a second.

I go to dinner with you. I get it. I get my tab and I get your tab. And then you get a sandwich and you pay for the sandwich. Kid shit. Like just shit that and what killed me is that he comes from where I grew up. So he's around the guys I grew up. What kind of?

But there was never a thank you. Yeah. I was always just about to defend him. It was never a fucking thing. No, no, no, no, no. Listen, I grew up with criminals, but they had manners. Yeah. They looked at you and they said, you look nice.

Thank you for dinner. Thank you for picking that up. Joe Rogan's a dear friend of mine. I'm going to tell you something about Joe Rogan. He's one of the most generous people I've ever met in my life. There's nothing he hates more than fucking people who have no... When I look at Joe at the end of a dinner and I go, Doug, thank you.

And I look him in the eyes like a man. that means more to him than the world. That steak he got me or that salad or that fucking breakfast he got me at the airport was delicious. You got to look at people's eyes and say thank you. I have a habit of seeing women.

Listen, whether they're fat, small, big, you tell them they look beautiful. That's what my mother taught me. You look at a woman. You go, you look fucking sexy today. Last week I was on a plane and this black chick bumped into me and I looked at her

and I said, you look fucking beautiful today. Thank you for complimenting my wife That's how I was raised I'm not hitting on her I'm complimenting her It's a big fucking difference I even tell women sometimes Look at my hand I'm married

You fucking banging today Your shit is on fire Okay that's not being rude That's not being sexist That's telling us of a woman who took the time To get dressed up That she looks fucking beautiful That's what the school of thought I am

Second school of thought is When somebody gives you a fucking anything When you're heading into the 101 and somebody lets you go through, you look at them and you raise your hand and you say thank you to them. And it makes their day because nobody says thank you. You know, if you have a child in today's world, my mother was a fucking terrible mother in society's eyes. I guarantee she is. If we went in a fucking room and talked about mothers, but she stressed the word, thank you. And she stressed the handshake.

and she stressed the looking in your eye and going, bro, that was a great fucking steak. And even if it sucked, you're not going to tell that lady who worked 18 hours on that, who maybe she read the wrong recipe or whatever, that that was horrible. I fuck around with Terry all the time,

but I don't tell her it's fucking horrible. The better the meal is, I go, don't ever make that again! You know, and she'll go, was it bad? I go, do you see any left on my fucking dish? You know what I'm saying? So, I didn't like that thing. I thought he came from an Italian family.

family. Thank you. Please. Yeah, and do it more than once. I've met a lot of people who might say at the beginning, but then after you're, like, I actually, one of the things that broke up, one of my relationships was this girl in there, like, I don't like it when girls pay. It makes me feel weird, at least at the beginning.

And for like the first few weeks, she never said thank you once. And like, it was, I had to say something. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Much love. Say something. But you got to say something. When people come out on fucking Friday and Saturday, they pay 20 bucks for seeing me.

Like, I want to shake their fucking hand and say thank you to them. Yeah. And I ask them what their fucking name is, okay? That's not because, no, that's from being a man. That's how you fucking act. You shake somebody's hand and you say, thank you, brother, for the meal, or for the fucking glass of water, or for the joint, or for the reefer. When somebody comes to one of my shows and they give me a cookie, God damn it, I'm fucking, you know, whether the cookie sucks or not. Not a 10, they think that's the strongest thing in their story.

They don't know I eat garbage cans for a fucking living filled with THC, but it doesn't matter. I appreciate it. Because I know so many people that take gifts to the celebrities and they throw them the fuck away. I've seen it. You know, if you took the time to do something, I'll fucking carry it home, we'll put in a box.

I don't know, we'll figure something out with it, but thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. That's what I didn't like about his age group. And this is the second kid from that age group that I've taken out, that has been around here. I want it with my other nephew. last fucking Christmas.

Remember they came up? Remember they came up, went to the standard, got up, complained about his meal. I don't say nothing. I don't have the, like I told a friend of mine

and she said, you should have said something. Listen, there's a couple things where you don't say nothing because they're too much gun. They won't understand what I'm saying to them.

Not everybody you can pull aside and go, do me a favor, dog. I love you to death. But next time say fucking please to the waiter. Yeah. You're embarrassed me in there.

You made me look like a fucking jerk off. you can't say that to them because they take especially people out of here oh don't say that to a moron right out of you you just learn your lesson now you never got to dinner with that person again yeah or you never do dick with that fucking person again I'm actually going to kind of do a similar thing

I have a friend who like I think we used to be pretty good friends but like we hang out and I feel like I'm being used like the person canceled plans and then called later that night to see if I could drive early the next morning to west LA, pick him up and drive him to a bus stop in downtown LA and then come back

here after I work at night. And it's, it's like a weird thing where I haven't had, like, I've never really had to end friendships, like really, but like I feel like I'm being used. And like, like, yesterday we were supposed to hang out and I just said I couldn't I have to work. And it's, it's a weird thing when you feel like that. And like, it's weird that, like, I feel bad like, like, ending a friendship, but like, I mean, you have to do it at some point. How many times have you offered me a ride to the airport in the morning? Yeah, whenever you're around here. How do I take it?

None. Well, we did one, but none. That was one time, but, like, yeah, I think that was it. There's people in this town that love to use people. Yeah. To do what to save $30 fucking dollars. So I'm going to make you work eight hours, wait for me until four to drive me to L-A-X, so I could do what late?

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I want you to think out your fucking moves. It's like this young kid when went to the ha-ha. and I told the Agostino knew he was 19 I asked the Agostino I said come here he's 19 can he come in he goes yeah it's 18 oh I sat him down then my friend Alfred went up to him

because you want to drink and he goes yeah I told him he couldn't drink it there I was sitting closed by he goes yeah let me get a jack and coat and I looked at Alfred I go Alfred no and I took him outside I didn't even say nothing I was going to say what is that one drink going to do for you yeah it's like when I was a kid and you'd be snorting coke There was always one of these that walked up to you.

Let me get a line. Come in for you. What's it going to do for you? Yeah. You, man, I just want to do a line. Yeah, I know. Some women just want to suck your dick and not swallow. It's not going to work out.

You always got to swallow that fucking stamenca juice. The thing is, it's like normal for you, but to him, he's in L.A. with a celebrity at a fucking comedy club. And I understand it. He's young, but it was a shitty thing to do. I'm not a celebrity. Well, not to you're not. That's my job. You know, and it's really weird.

I will tell you the highlight of my fucking weekend. What? Highlight. of my fucking weekend. You ready? Ready. I'm at the Sherman Oaks Gallery. Yeah.

Which is rare for me. Yeah, I can't imagine. I'm up there with my wife and my nephew. My wife wanted to get something, and I wanted to get a slice of pizza. You know there's a really good pizza shop? No. In the gallery more. You just got the park and walk.

Yeah. Delicious. Delicious. Joe's pizza, something like that. Delicious. Okay. They make a grandma's pizza, which is sauce, which is wet muts on it. Splatted and the sauce drips down your face.

You get one slice, 10 points. Delicious. You get the salad. Got little hot peppers in the salad. Pepperini is delicious. So I fell fucking. My wife goes on pizza. I don't want to wait until Sunday.

So I go, let's go out to the mall and we'll get your Mother's Day present. So we're sitting there. We're sitting there. I tell my wife, I guess my nephew says something about celebrities or something. I tell my wife, the story by Eddie Bravo, said that he was in the mall. And up here one day, and he saw Dave Groh walking around with his daughter. Yeah. And that paparazzi were chasing him.

And he was like, get the fuck away. I'm with my family and the Dave Groh got really pissed and he was a serious guy and then I read some article and I've always been a Dave Groh fan by the way. The reason why I go to Big Tonys

is because of Dave Groh. All right. The food is great. It's a Mexican joint. I know I'm a fucking gay guy but I love the footh fighters and I love fucking Nirvana and he's you know he was a

he's what do you call those a prodigy on the drums so they hooked him up with Nirvana because he was such a genius so I guess whoever the record producer is please help me on people put them together. That's a well-known story. He's a fucking genius, Dave Grohl.

And I listen to a lot of me. I love the foolfighters. Love him. Love the fool-fathers. I love Nirvana. It's just really weird. You know, and he's working on, he's on an album. He did an album or he's in a band with John Paul Jones now. Dave Grohl is a special motherfucker. So I'm walking out of the, I'm telling him this story, and we're walking out of the fucking mall. And who's right there? Dave, motherfucking growl, with this. daughter. Oh shit. So what's there in there? And I look and I see Dave Groan and I go

there he is and Dave Groh listen and he goes like don't say that I go it's weird that you just my friend and I go see you later and he walked away and I told you and I'm blown the fuck away so me and my wife are walking with the nephew we go into a store and as we're walking and Dave Groh walks out and he's like hey man thanks and we're like we're fucking big friends I was just telling him that

my friend said he saw you up here and that you were getting chased by a paparazzi and you were telling the guy to go to hell and he's like I gotta do it all the time me he was cool as shit and I go listen man I'm a big fan of he in fact I fucking love you I go the reason why I go to big Tony's

is because of you and he was bean and cheese burrito was fucking the best oh my god Lee they got a bean and cheese burrito with avocado and pico de gallo oh that's great just a perfect piccaia like when you bite into it you beat the halapeno's so the jalapenos they cut them just perfectly it's a science

science for fat people fat man alert fat man alert Fat Man alert I'm sick of this juice Oh please you're killing me with that shit Just throw the fucking blender out Go on the pool In fact let me see five jumping jacks

Alright Got to do some jumping jacks is Monday Where's dirty women black Sabbath Let's do this shit Alright There's a great island by the way People always ask me Listen to Ozzy on this

This is the real fucking Ozzy on this Kick it Lee after the jumping jack Golly Hit it Lee Wiggle on the Joey Oh shit But what about the camera You gotta wiggle for the camera

What about the jumping jacks? Five jump where you're jumping jack? I'll go after you. You got man... There he is, look at Lee and shit. You're mad. You're bad motherfucking you. Please say I'm doing jumping jacks today.

The next day will be fucking pleades. By the end of the week you'll be doing backlifts like J.FGSP. Yeah, no, it's cool. The shirt I'm wearing I have a one in two and a half year, so I'm excited about it. Alright, do you think. Okay. Oh, are you doing Jumming Jax? Shut on my fucking knees are that. Let me do the...

This is a camera angle that only the live listeners get to experience. Okay, so very quickly, guys, today's podcast is brought to you by Ting. Please visit church.ting.com for a $25 service credit. Look at those jumping jacks. Now, you might be asking, and if you listen to the Rogan podcast, you know what Ting is, but if you haven't listened, it's a great new service. It's a no BS mobile service. Ting is a mobile service that makes sense,

and it's an MVNO reseller of the nationwide Sprint Network, which Joey has had since he's had a cell phone. So it's really awesome. I actually went on their website the other night, and they have a couple things you'd like, because you're the only person I know who still has a house phone, right? Now, why do you have a house phone? because my wife don't fucking pick

cell phone so I never want to misunderstand it if there's an emergency there's got to be a house phone okay and she needed it for a computer I don't fucking know so what Ting has

that's really fucking awesome that it adds on like it's uh like how much do you think your home phone I don't fucking know let's pretend it's 20 bucks a month I don't know how much of this

what Ting has that you can add on to your plan is they have a product that you just plug in and it goes off the the sprint cell towers and you plug it your home phone into it and then it's the same bill same service plan and another thing that's

fucking awesome is i don't know who however many people have like verizon like i have and i pay 110 dollars a month you can you have to pick a bill and it's like well this plan comes with a thousand texts and two gigabytes of data and no one uses two fucking gigabytes of data ever um ting has like let's say you want 500 minutes 100 text and four gigs of data or whatever you can mix and match when it's really fucking cool. They have a hotspot, so if you wanted to go, they just added a new 3G4GYMax hotspot, and it's the Sierra Wireless Overdrive Pro

can be had for $30,000, and it's awesome. And you can purchase used devices, and you can bring your LTE sprint device now. You can bring it over before the option to bring sprint devices has been around for a while, but no LTE devices were able to make the move. They've been working to have the limitation lifted and now many LTE Sprint devices can make the move. Another thing I noticed that was cool on their website, like let's say I wanted to

move from Verizon. They have an option, they have a deal with Glyde and you can sell your fucking old cell phone and make some cash before you switch. And for you, you have Sprint. You like Sprint, right? You never have problems with it. Love it. So yeah. So again, please visit church.tting.com and you're going to get a $25 service. credit or device discount. That was fucking pretty good, Lee. See, I don't know, but listen, guys, I don't know much about these electronics. I got the iPhone.

I don't do two fucking things on it, you know? Yeah. I use some. I use the voice. I use the timer. You know, I used the alarm. I figured out how to use this stuff. This other stuff he's talking about is like Chinese fucking, you know, ching cheng chung music to me.

He's talking about gigabytes and megabytes and shit. That's an apart. I got to give some shoutouts. Okay. Go for it. I'm going to get some fucking shoutouts right here. Michael Flarrity. I love you.

Dylan Rankin, Tom Joe, Joe Allen, Melissa Eva Perez. I love what she said yesterday. She was having a bad day smoking a blunt. That's why I love you. Chris Lomeli, Eric McGinnis, Patrick Jordan, and Danielle. Ashley, I love you, dirty bitch. One day I've got to talk about here that I want to give thanks, Lee, the last three weeks.

We've gotten eight emails, eight, about people thanking us for sleep apnea. Really? for that podcast that they've gone in. They figured out they'd had whatever clogged up in their things, and now they're going to on a machine, and the way the podcast saved their life, were listening. The one guy didn't know.

That's great. He went for a sleep study, and he had some mouse, and he never dreamt of it. You know, man, listen, we fucking all snore. Two of my buddies came to Texas, and the one guy got a room with the other guy. He had to get another room in the middle of the night, because I couldn't fucking sleep with your board.

your buddy. Oh, Jesus. Couldn't sleep in the same room. He goes, it was another planet. He doesn't want to do the mask. He goes, I got two different masks and I don't like it.

You're going to fucking die. Meanwhile, he's swollen. I grew up with this kid. He's swollen. His hands are fucking red. You can't continue that shit. If you get in the problem with snoring or you're breathing loud

or people are fucking telling you that they can't sleep in the same house with you, you got the problem. You got to get the fucking mask and get it taken care of. Yeah, the one bad thing is you get fat. But not only that, you get all these other things that you don't fucking know about. You can die.

They're saying now that people have sleep happening and get cancer because you have no oxygen to your body. That's why I fucking try to do everything. Yesterday I got an anxiety attack working out. Why? Because sometimes you eat an edible. And Ari and I had a good conversation about bad trips the other day. How in the 70s people, oh man, I did a accident. I had a bad trip.

You're a fucking bad trip. The only people who get bad trips Are people who are bad fucking trips People who got something sour in their fucking mind Because that An edible just makes whatever All drugs make whatever you feel stronger Yeah

You know and with edibles It makes it really fucking strong Like you're like wow It's blowing my fucking head off So sometimes I go to the To work out yesterday I was learning jujitsu And dog they fucking had me by the collar How hot was it yesterday?

Oh it's like 100 degrees I'm rolling that 100 degrees My underw wear were drenched. You understand me? It took my feet an hour to dry. They were like fucking, I had this thing on, I'm trying to roll, you know, and I'm learning. But I had to get up and take my fucking robe top off and my t-shirt off. I was dying and it was anxiety. But after I went through that, I was done. I went and then and finished the fucking workout like a soldier. Jesus. How many of your stories start with? Sometimes you eat an edible and?

Well, it's the Lord's Day. You know, I drove him to the bus up to, But he wanted to stay until Monday morning. And I have a pattern. I have my Sundays are my Sundays. Yeah. My Sundays, I get back on a plane from 11. Me and my wife do run some errands. You go to the farmer's market.

I go home and then I answer emails. I do every Sunday. I do some work around the house. Sometimes I got to catch an app. Sometimes I catch a workout, you know. But I fucking send those emails back. After those emails, you know, man, I don't want to do this show on a Monday and drag. Because if I drag on a Monday, that means by Wednesday I'll be dead.

Yeah. You can't drag on a fucking Monday, guys. I don't give a fuck what, I don't give a fuck what they tell you about Sunday nights. Unless, let's say you're going to plan for a Sunday night. You know you're going to go out and do heroin and eat some girl's ass and jump up and down and whatever. Then Saturday you sleep so you know that Monday, all you need is four or five hours and you can at least make it because you got, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. But to drag on Friday, to drag on Saturday, and then to drag on Sunday, Monday you're going to be dead.

Monday's your money day. Monday's when you're going to go out there and fucking kick these people in the cunt. You got to go out there and tell him who the Captain Kirkney Enterprise. He's walking around half fucking dead, but you got to sleep at me like for a fucking year. So that's all I'm trying to say. So Monday nights by 8.30, I want to be, bed's got to be in my neighborhood. Yeah. That edible.

I ate two edibles. Yes, that was fucked up. Jesus. I was seeing triple last night. We ordered Chinese food at 8 o'clock. Really? Me and my wife. She didn't even smoke, though.

We didn't eat dinner. But I was so. fucking high at 8 o'clock I had a salad I stuck to everything yesterday I did great I even had a wide watch of points left over because I give you the action points for Sunday it starts all over again on Sunday so you get an extra 45 points I haven't eaten in two weeks

what did you have for the Chinese food sorry I said no she ordered pork fried rice a small order and I ordered my Goli and beef my half order okay with a little bit of white rice and I drew half the white rice away and I just ate the meat and went to bed okay no egg rolls huh no egg rolls no no egg rolls no New York style so why am I wasting my time

with the egg well let me ask you this you're gonna waste your time with it why are you wasting the calories for do they have fucking i know i shouldn't be eating there but i haven't had it anyways do they have fucking chinese food buffets out here that's huge back east and it's fucking great and i haven't seen one no because why would you want to put yourself in that trick back i mean the chinese food out of here is mensa multa it's a five yeah on its best day of the week not everything is good at a chinese restaurant like the pork fried rice might be good but the shripping and lobster sauce. I had a teat toast, we'd by them. I make shrimp and lobster sauce.

Every time I go in there, if not, it's just egg spit. It looks like egg white with shrimps and peas and carrots in it. Shrimp fry, shrimp and lobster sauce comes with the fucking big prawns, the fucking egg drop soup mix in there, peas and carrots. You got to put pieces

of pork because the pork is the fucking flavor. Oh, yeah. I love my favorite is dipping egg rolls into the duck sauce and the hot mustard. I love that shit. But in Boston, like I go to Route 1. Yeah, Calloon. Caloons.

My dad's pictures on the wall there if you guys go. Oh, my God. Listen, the pork fried rice is delicious. The Calhouns. The shrimp and lobster sauce is loaded with pork. They put so much pork in Boston. It's brown. The shrimp and lobster sauce, it looks like a black guy came.

It's fucking brown. Yeah, that's the only kind of ever had, so I thought it was brown. It's not. It's delicious. The egg rolls at Caloons, delicious. You know what? When I'm in Caloons, weight watches can suck my dick. Because I go, each egg rose like 10 points.

Oh, yeah. You eat two egg rolls. You're done. It's like 16 points a piece. They're not spring rolls. Tell them about the ones I took it to in Jersey where you took like eight back to your room but you didn't think I had eight back to your room. You oh, that was a night.

Oh, this is the story. So you're probably into Chance Dragon in what you've heard of if you know Joey and it's fucking he thinks it's amazing and it is amazing. It was good. But we had it was the end of, we had one day to shoot that fucking documentary and we were stressed out

and we were driving all around. And Joey ran into this kid who he hadn't seen for like 30 years or something and we got back to your buddy Georgia's house and you're like where the fuck is my bag and then and then you're like what what what because we had all walked around and talked to that friend and then you like

is that chams motherfucking dragging in and we I've never seen you anyone drive that fast and you were bringing on the walls bringing on the windows so when we got back to the hotel you were like you're like you were pissed off and what was in that bag? Nothing it was fucking some banana brand and your weed license

Something, but you need that banana bread. I can't be leaving that around. That gets into the Rams of the poor Chinaman. You fucking imagine that shit, that motherfucker. He'll kill everybody on the Lincoln Tunnel. That guy across lanes and kill everybody with that fuck. Chinaman on a fucking banana bread. That's like, what are you looking at, Lee?

What are you reading? Nothing. What are you reading? Don't make me go over and burn your eyeballs with the cigarette. But no, I love those huge egg rolls. Oh, they were great in that place. That night was hysterical. Remember the night was talking about when I got Stad?

Little Richie Seidel. Fucking Richie Seidel was fucking crazy, Doug. He was the first kid I ever knew that was on ADD bills. Back in the 70s, they just gave him black beauties and said, go for it. Go for it. He would jump off buildings and shit when he was sick. You'd be walking down the street and be jumping off one roof onto the fucking other one. Jesus.

So I said, dog. What else? No, and I'm trying to think. So where are you this weekend? This weekend I'm in Strong Mother fucking Island. Ocean. That governor's Friday and sat. I'm flying on Thursday.

I'm doing the Audi Lang show. Oh yeah, he's a TV show. Yeah, we ain't fucking around. I was going to ask you, I saw something. There's like a new club in New York, like the stand or something. It's a really small place. There's a new club everywhere. There's a new club everywhere.

The new ones everywhere. Fire Island's got a new one. City Island is the hot one. Somebody called me a day. The new hot club is in a suburb in Chicago. It's the new hot zanis. Okay. Yeah, who gives a fuck?

You know the hot club is right here? The one you're working at? The one I'm working at. Right here with my main man, the boogie man. the flying Jew Oh shit. The party's over with this chick tonight.

You're gonna call on we get off and you're gonna go listen here's the deal I talk to my associates to the end up me that monkey and I know more

this fucking friend shit drinking coffee with girls You're the flying Jew you gotta get it together You gotta maintain your appearance And you know what I might And fucking relax

Hold on I'm losing weight Like 95% of it is girls I'm being honest If it wasn't if it wasn't for girls Fuck it But You don't give a fuck about

sitting on that couch and rot in the death, and being 500 pounds and scratching your little Jew balls. Nope. And sniffing your fingers and touch stuff like lots of balls. If I could work from home and there weren't like no sex drive, fuck it. Yeah, I would have. How many times a day you bang one out?

A day? Yeah. Between one and two. That's what you're 24. That's about the right. Yeah. Should be doing six. Your eyes should be bulging out of your fucking head.

Jesus Christ. And when that Ashley was staying here, I would have been sniffing the underwear, coming on the underwear. I would have sniffed a little jizz, jizzed on her underwear. and left it there so she would have got it in her system through fucking laundry or whatever through osmosis. Did you know what?

Like, it's funny that we, that we're friends because I'm like, I couldn't be more off. But like, I, every time I go to a movie and I see like a kids preview, I can't, I can't wait to have kids. I'm, I want to have the money to do it, but I can't wait. And I like, I know, I don't want to have like, I've had one night stands. Like I, like, you, you joke wrong. Are you, are you gay? Just tell me. Are you gay?

No, fucking relax. I don't give a fucking. I don't give a fucking. But stop fucking putting me. I'm a- I'm cheering for you getting pussy. No, but I'm not, I don't like that. You can't come in until you dance with a Batman suit on?

You wanted me to drop you off in Santa Monica with a little rattle on the fucking spooning you? With a rattle, fuck you. No, but I'm like, I like being in a really, I like it. I know you do. Everybody wants to you. So I don't want to.

Lee, do you think when your fucking America sits there at night? Do you think when they sit there, watch TV at night? You think you sit there and ask yourself why there's 22mats.com's commercials? How come that Harvey Homo? guy comes on hi I set up people to person and everyone you think that you think that's not it's not a billion dollar industry

everybody wants to fall in love yeah everybody wants to fucking you know hold hands and jump through the fucking bushes and and I understand but I'm not I'm not gonna go to someone and and and if I called a girl you liked her when she was staying here you got a crush on her no but yeah you fell in love with it while she was staying

here don't tell me okay I've seen you when you she's around your eyes are rolling your head it's like you're looking at the new wife You get all nervous out And shit Because you whack off on the iPhone Box I know guys like you Why would I have it on iPhone?

I have TVs And you whack off Look at the iPhone Because you like technology Oh looking at the iPhone That's what I'm saying Fuck oh So you like this girl

Right there when she was staying on the couch I would have been working I would have been rubbing her feet Bringing her eggs Bring her flowers I would have been working And now she lives in Northridge And now you decide you're in low

And now you got to hang out With her and Bruce Lee Every time you go out Bruce Lee ain't giving your peace and this girl and giving you a piece. Not even looking because you left them

into friends' zone. I'm just goofing on you. I like you. You're a nice guy. I don't want you to be nobody's sucker. You want to be that guy at a bar with two chicks

of the hot? Look at it. Like a fucking momo. That's all I'm trying to see. I don't feel like I'm a sucker. I don't. You know what you feel like a sucker? No, I don't.

And I fucking, I've tried it before. I've hung out with yours and tried to do like the fucking like the egg. Do you want to have a threesome with them? With them? No.

Why not? What is wrong with you? Let me focus on getting one girl. You're having me get a threesome. You're done with it. Do you want a threesome? No, you don't want a threesome. No, I'm 50.

I'm in no day. Even when I was 20, I wanted to free. I couldn't do that shit. If I said I would, like, if I said, I'm going to eat your monkey and pick up by the hoof, like you tell me to say, girls would fucking laugh. I'm not that kind of guy. I'm just, I'm not. You're a fucking, Lee.

Let's break this down. What? You're 24. Yeah. You got a big dick. You do you. Holy shit. And you're Jewish, you're Israeli.

It's in your blood to just pick women up and throw a rock at him. Fucking fuck them and leave them there for blood and dirt. You know what I'm saying? I'm not saying. You're a sweet guy. I don't want you out with two chicks drinking and fucking around. All right? You're part of the church of what's happening now.

You're a soldier. Yeah. The world's getting cold. Maybe let me hold you. You understand me? I don't want you out there giggling with two chicks because then people see you. And that reflects on the whole church.

You're a pastor. You're a deep. You're a deacon. You got to be out there getting your flock. You think that Jim Jones would be out drinking with two-teen? Fuck no. I don't want to be Jim Jones. That's the worst fucking example.

What's a bad analogy? Do you want to be dating a 14-year-old and spend the rest of your life in jail? What the fuck? What? Jim Jones didn't molest no people. He fucked everybody. He fucked old people, black people, white people. You know?

My point is, I can't have this normal. You're a savage indeed. Savages don't hang out with girls You're right That's it We'll see what happens You're my boy This should have been taken care of

A month ago This should have been taking She should be over here Once a week Rubbing your feet Not with her fucking Brother and his friend Waiting to go get coffee

Solo Don't come down here With your buddy Or your creepy fucking You call her to you Say I don't ever Want to see your creepy fucking brother again

All right I like a brother You just told me He's a fucking half a smog No I didn't I said one time and fucking Olive Garden, we waited a while. But, you know, people listen to this.

I know they... This is just us talking. I know they fucking listen to this. It's like a little therapy session. This is what I'm trying to help you out here, Lee Cox up, get it together. You know, I love you. I care about you.

I don't want you, you, you know. And then last night you're at the Great Gatsby. What fucking church of what's happening now gangster? Go to see the Great Gangster, the Great Gatsby with two brutes. You know? Let me know! Right fucking news. Now, if you want to see the great guys with two girls and you didn't have a threesome,

hit me up on Twitter right now. I'll send you whatever the fuck you want. You understand? I'm trying to say, don't let it happen again. You're killing me. You're slipping. I'll try. If you're going to be a church of what's happening now, gangster.

If not, we'll sign you up for one of these other little podcasts, and you can wear pink shoes and sit with girls and talk to them, whatever. The same fucking friends and the same Jennifer Anish. Do they have health benefits? I don't know. I don't know what they fucking got anymore, cuck. Why are you looking for help benefits? Well, I mean, about God.

Why do you need help benefits? You're not going to get VD. Why you need a fancy suit for? You got no job to wear it through, Charlie. You're not going to get VD. You're not going to get Chlamydia. You're not going to get gonorrhea. I don't want any of those things.

You know what Ari is doing right now? What? He's got blood coming out of it, and ooh. You know why? Because he's out there stabbing bitches. You think Ari goes to a movie? Call Ari right now. I think he does go to a movie by himself.

No, with two girls sitting in the middle, giggling. Ask him. You want me to call? fucking Judas's nephew I'm gonna call Pontchus's pilot nephew Well I don't want to shoot needles into my dick So anyway I'll leave that to him Enough enough

I got a fucking I got a great fucking statement for you right This was said by John Lennon being honest May not get you many friends But it'll always get you the right ones I'm gonna leave that like that Again being honest May not get your many friends

But it'll always get you the right motherfuck fuckers around you. That's why we do what we fucking do here at the church of what's happening now. We lie to nobody. We sling dick. We don't run down and fuck one of them. We walk down and fuck them all. You understand me? So today's Monday.

Get out there. Be yourself. Don't let nobody trick you with stupidity. Don't be a fucking sucker for nobody. Tell them all to fuck you. Look straight ahead. Mind your fucking business and put your nose to the grindstone. It all starts today, motherfucker. You didn't quit smoking. You didn't do the diet. You ate a

Don't. Who gives a fuck? You got another shot today. Go out there. Be a fucking savage. You got arrested. Something happened four years ago. Who gives a fuck? It's a new day. Get out there. You think I worry about... I don't give a fuck about Kent Bella or kidnapping him. One of that bullshit. That was 20 fucking years ago. Fix your fucking clocks. Wake up, roll a joint. Do a jumping jack like me and Lee. Get out there. Strangle somebody. Get a warrant at. Who needs the paper cock. Sucker. Go to. Onit.com. See what they got. Let me tell you what they got. They got Amune.

They got Alpha Brain, which is on fire. They got this new 180 by fucking Alpha Brain. Tremendous. I've tried it. I only take one of the time that comes in little packages. You put them right there

with your fucking water. Look at that. Ooh. It's like one of those little energy drinks. It's got the best of Alpha Brain. It's got the best of immune. It's got the best of new mood. You know that podcast I did

that people really like the live one? Yeah. The second one with Bert Cray. You know why I was on fire so crazy? Why? Because I took two moods and I smoked some fucking pot. Jesus. The next one, I'm going to take like eight new moods.

I'm going to bad mouth everybody. Fuck will I am. Cocksucker. Hemp force. You don't need to get in a protein shake no more. It's delicious. That's what I have for breakfast with a banana. Fucking tremendous.

You don't need that no more. You get the hemp force chocolate bar, the protein bar, the protein bars. How many grams of protein leaves on the box? Let's fucking see. Right in the front. They got 10 grams of protein and three grams of fiber. There you go. There you go.

You'll be shitting. You do. one of those with a coffee like I did the other shit at the fucking airport. You ever shit at the fucking airport you gotta walk into a tornado of assholes? That's the fucking fucking worst of men's bathroom. Who goes to shit at the fucking airport? I'm gonna find out

investigating fucking minds one and all. Now let me see what you think about this. Fucking guys, well there's guys shitting, the guys brushing their teeth or shaving at the airport bathroom. Would you ever do that? They're disgusting. They're disgusting. Disgusting. That's fucking disgusting. Shaving, smelling other people's assholes

like that. It's like a fuck. You know what? It's like a fucking hurricane of ass. It's like 20 different types of ass. You're walking through a bathroom your face. You've got to walk up blocking with a gas mask or something like that. And that's a bad, because when you're sitting on an airplane for six hours and you ate whatever you at the airport, which is terrible, that's

bad kind of shit. I hate not shit and leaving the house. Yo, 529. We're at the Ice House for a live podcast. I don't even want to tell you, motherfuckers with a guest. Guest, plural. Go to 626-7577, 1894. $10 tickets on a Wednesday night to see a live podcast.

myself, my main man, the baddest Jew fucking working, unless he does what he did this weekend again. And besides that, go to joey-dears.net. I just met with J.R. fucking Thursday. I love J.R. I got to call that cop, black cock suck. I love him down in Arizona. J.R. is doing a lot of things. He's handling my shirts. He's handling R.E. shirt.

J.R. is doing a tremendous job. You need a shirt. You need a fucking hoodie. You go to Joey Dears.net. J.R. fucking take care of you. I got an email that some guy from Australia or something. didn't get his stuff. I fucking sent to jail with the next day, Jay I had fucking everything

taking care of. I was so proud of him. We don't fuck around here. You got a problem with us. You fucking send it and we'll take care of that fucking problem. A CD, a documentary you bought.

You know, documentary is still alive and kick them. A lot of people ain't going to it. But we go in spurts. Like, people go to it and then I get questions and people want to put it in film festivals. Yeah.

Let's see what the fuck happens this year. But the documentary is still on, what is it? Amazon. Amazon and something else. Payloads. Payloads. Payloads.

Payloads. Not regular loads, payloads, gucksucker. And beside that, like I said, it's Monday. Have a fucking great day. People always ask me what inspires me. My fucking cousin from Cuba sent me a video this morning of her trying to sing in English. Let me tell you something, my cousin in Cuba. I went to cantors with her, and I heard this thing stay away to heaven.

And I never ever will forget that in my casket because she showed me the appreciation for the English language that we overlooked. She showed me the appreciation for the music that we take for granted. And every time I look at her, every time, you know, I'm tight with her and her brother, but I'm tied with my cousin. When we had that dinner that day and my wife, I felt something. And I looked at this song this morning and it reminded me of who the fuck I am. This bitch is unstoppable. Hit it, Lee, Cocksucker.

Get out there, fucking stab somebody. Lee, I love you, Cubs her. Don't fuck around. I leave Rifa here, you don't smoke it. No, because I leave your joints here. This is until you can take that little Chinese. these girl blow us in their asshole and make some ching-ching juice. We're so highbrow here at the church of what's happening now.

And people email and leave for saying Jesus. Oh, that was crazy. We'll talk about that Wednesday, I guess. Bye guys. Love you. Love you guys. I can ask is how to be here.