The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #052 - MICHAEL RAPAPORT | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: March 31, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Wednesday, March 31st..... Today, we talked to an old friend, MICHAEL RAPAPORT..... This episode is brought to you by BluBlox & ZipRecruiter...... Go to https://www.BluBlox.com/Joey Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/JOEY And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #MichaelRapaport Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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And we got a lot to talk about. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Where you've been? It's a beautiful Wednesday morning. It's the last day. of the month we fucking did it listen i don't know about you it was just fucking new year's eve it was just december 31st you were running to your buddy's house you had to park around the corner so the cops don't know you're at the friend's house they couldn't have more than eight people and look at us

now we're ending fucking march 31st we're rolling into fucking april and we're rocking and rolling we got a new look everybody's happy everybody's having a good fucking time i had a weird week let me tell you what's going on my daughter listen let me talk to you people about something from the heart i never sat down and watched nothing a couple years ago i went over to a friend's house well not my friend it's my father-in-law and he was watching girl softball he's 70 years old i'm like this is the creepiest fucking thing in the world you're watching girl softball who watches fucking girl softball i got nothing against girls and i got nothing against softball but when you're a guy at my age you just don't watch girl softball you know what i'm saying i mean you're like what

What the fuck is this? So now my daughter who gets into softball, right? So I'm like, you know, I got to sit there during the practices. And I'm sitting there, look, and I feel like Johnny pedophile. It's all a bunch of moms.

And it's me and a fucking, on the bleacher by myself, you know, all I need is a rainjack and the cop will pull over. And I feel like that. So the first week I felt like, shit, I'm like, I got to figure something out because I never really watched. In 2006, when I was still doing,

Coke, I went to see my niece play. My niece was a great basketball player. And I went to see her playing Tennessee. And I had, and it was a girls' high school game. And I had a good time, but I really didn't think about it. But now, with all the shit that's going on, you know, you feel fucking guilty watching anything. You know, so I'm watching this.

Last week, I'm watching the girls practice. They're all eight years old. And I'm like, look at the moms. They're looking, even though I'm sitting there and my wife is next to me, I'm like, they're looking at me like, I'm a fucking pedophile and shit, watching girls fucking softball. I left there walking like fuck. And he minute now the cops are going to put the handcuffs on me.

Then I went to the second practice and there was another dad there. So I didn't feel that bad. But again, I felt a little creepy. But then I'm a 60 minute guy. So I watch 60 minutes on Sunday night. And if you watch 60 minutes, it was about an old guy that fucking is in the Writers' Hall of Fame. This guy wrote a book about Muhammad Ali. He fucking interviewed Muhammad Ali.

I don't know how many fucking times. He wrote a book about his relationship with Ali and Kose. he's just a great writer wrote articles. The Sports Illustrated a couple of weeks ago when Tiger Woods got into the accent, they went out to him for him to write the article. And as he got older and got into retirement, he started going, I guess his granddaughter

or somebody played for girls basketball. So he started going to all these girls basketball games, and he said, what am I doing with myself? I should start writing about him. So he created like a column about the girls' basketball team and what they were going through just to give the girls light and whatnot. And I tell you, when I watched that,

it made me feel a little bit better. Like, I'm like, all right, I'm not a fucking peterfile sitting over here watching these fucking girls fucking do their things. So now I feel a lot more fucking comfortable, you know, at the games. And, well, they haven't played yet, but they're still, like, in practice, they have a clinic today. They got a clinic tomorrow, which I'm going to go.

Today I can go. Obviously, I'm here with Ucock suckers. but thank you very much for sticking it out with me. Over the last couple months, I have a great habit. God bless me with something good. I like to check them with my friends. I love to check in with them and see how they're doing. And especially during this pandemic, what I did was I made a list of my single friends.

I would call them first to let them know I had their back. And then I would call my married friends. But I would call my comic friends and just to see how they were doing. You know, I'm married. I have a support system here. I have great friends. I have great family members in Jersey. A lot of guys stayed in L.A.

A lot of guys moved. And I know the guys that moved are confused as much as I am. You know, they're getting adjusted to new areas. But it was funny while I was talking to these guys on the phone, I was going, these fucking phone calls, a podcast. These are podcasts. These are, this isn't, we're not promoting an album, we're not promoting a CD, we're not promoting dates.

We're just having phone calls about our deepest, most intimate fucking things here, like what we're going through. This is a podcast. So this is why I started reaching out to all my comedy buddies just to check in. I'm happy you guys are enjoying it, and I'm happy you guys are feeling it because you could feel that we actually missed each other. Like these guys and I, we're tight. We were all tight.

at one time we would see each other once or twice a week we would give advice to each other on different comedy clubs or whatever and then one day the carpet got pulled from us so I figured these conversations that I have on the phone could be great podcast and that's where Zoom came in and I'm happy you guys are enjoying it and the Zooms are so special like I hate to explain this to people and I hate it's coming off like

But if you don't have a prior relationship with somebody, I feel the Zooms don't come off right. And I've done four Zooms since I've been here, and three out of the four of them were shitty. And one person I actually knew the other two podcasts I did. I kind of knew the people, but not really. And the Zoom didn't work. With the Zooms I'm giving you,

it's people that I actually love and I have a relationship with. And that's why they seem to work. haven't seen them. So you're listening to not an interview like in a regular podcast. You're listening to an extended phone call of two old friends not seeing each other for seven months. Today we have another extended phone call. He's a dear friend of mine. I met him when I got off to playing in L.A. when he was at his hottest as an actor. And his mom introduced him to me at the improv. and I never forgot how much of a gentleman he was to me at that time. And then years later, we reconnected through stand-up and we became friends.

And I love him to death as crazy as he is. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Michael Rappaport. Enjoy, cock-suckers. What's happened, you bad motherfucker? Are we rolling, Joey? We're rolling, Jack. What's happening? Everything is good.

Hold on. I want to make sure everything is good. How the fuck are you? I got the good mic. for you, Joe. I'm not playing games here with these fucking guys. Good, good, good, good. I'm happy. Great to see you. Good to see you, Joe. God bless you. What is happening? Shit, man. I mean, there's a lot and nothing. I'm in Los Angeles. I'll give you a Joey Cocoa Diaz exclusive because I haven't, I haven't said this publicly, but I'm actually moving back to

New York in May. I've always had a place in New York. I've kept a place in New York through my bicoleness, but more so than moving back to New York, I don't have a place in Los Angeles for the first time since, you know, my $325 apartment, which then I moved into when I started doing the movie True Romance, because I thought I was a rich, I moved into an $850 a month apartment. And then, you know, then, you know, progressively, you know, moved up. But when I came to Los Angeles in 1989. I was 19. I was living in this apartment. Did you ever live in the apartment or hear about the, the comedian's apartment over there on Carlton Way in Hollywood? No. It was, it was a trip because I mean, I was literally 19 years old. You think about how

fucking stupid you are when you were 19, but I lived in this $325 a month studio apartment. It was nice. It was clean. The building was clean. But, you know, it was a fucked up neighborhood over there on Carlton Way off a Gower, right in Hollywood, and a bunch of comedians lived there. A bunch of different comedians came in and out of there throughout the years. And, but yeah, I'm, I'm, you know, giving up my crib here in L.A. And I'll be, you know, for the first time, not have any crib in, in Los Angeles, you know, and I'll be in New York.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I might wind up getting another place here. I might wind up getting a place out by you. I might become your neighbor. But I'm excited about it. And, you know, to be honest with you, when you called me, I can't remember when,

but it was, you know, in the fucking pandemic and I was talking to you and you were like, I moved, I moved to Jersey. I think I had heard it, but I don't think I was sure. Because, you know, you start hearing, this one's moving, that one's moving and all of stuff.

But I was like, you know, that conversation definitely was, you know, we were already sort of set to do it. But when you told me I'm out, I'm in fucking Jersey, I was like, I had told my wife and she was like, fuck Joey left. And I was like, yeah, fucking Cocoa Diaz went back fucking the Jersey. So, you know, a lot of people that come to L.A., they go, I hate L.A.

I don't hate L.A. I like a lot of things about L.A. And like I said, I'm an actor. There's always going to be part of the fucking year where I'm out here doing something. And, you know, I wouldn't be mad if I came back out here. you know, for work or whatever, but for right now, I'm just not happy where I live in L.A. And, you know, we've been wanting to move, you know, full time to New York. And, you know, when we go to New York, we've been trying to do it for the last two years.

We just, you have to do it to do it. So we're kind of doing it backwards, but I'm excited about it. So that's a COPODES exclusive. You sell the house already? Done. How fast? less than 24 hours How fucking crazy is that?

Yo. How crazy is that? We said we were going to sell the house. We had the fucking photographer come over. The guy with the drone come over. The next morning, before it was listed, the broker told another broker,

you know, they all know each other. They said, we want to have somebody come over at 10 am. I was like, 10 a. All right, fine. They said, all right, you know, they'll be over for a half hour. These motherfuckers were there for two hours. were there for two hours,

which means they're somewhat interested. I mean, it's a fucking house, two hours. It's not like I live on some palatial estate with, you know, mountains and shit. They said they're interested. They said, can they come back at three o'clock? I said, all right, they come back at fucking three o'clock. You know, they better be doing something.

They said, no, they're really interested. They came back at three o'clock. You know, they said, it's going to be an hour. I call them, I said, they're done. they go, no, they're still here. So me and my wife are driving around. You can't go to eat. So we could, normally we go to eat.

This was like when shit was closed. I call a guy, yo, can we come back? Can you give us another happen? We're driving around fucking Laurel Canyon. We go up to Lookout Mountain. We're trying to make out with my wife in the hills up there. Two and a half hours we come back. They go, they're really interested.

I go, listen, these motherfuckers displaced me for six fucking hours in one day. They better fucking do something. They made an offer before the house went on the market. Boom. I was shocked. Yeah, that's how fast it's going. So the photos and the fucking the drone shit was, I mean, it went that quick. And then you're like, oh, shit. You have that moment we're like, oh, shit.

You know, and the offer was great and the money was great. And it was the first person. And, and, you know, and boom, we're done. We're getting the fuck out of here. And I'm excited about it. And like I said, I'm not one of these New Yorkers who's like, L.A. sucks. Anybody from New York? Jersey.

How could you think L.A. sucks. You might think the people sucks. The weather's ridiculous. You know, the beach is great. There's great food. I mean, there's a lot of things that suck about L.A. And to be honest with you, since those fucking riots last year, Melrose, Santa Monica, sunset, Beverly, 3rd, all in the area in the Laugh Factory improv area.

I guess that's L.A. Hollywoodish. It's like a fucking bomb went off. It's starting to get a little better. But that, you know, my area, not my actual house, my area. And, you know, we've had homeless cock suckers. No disrespect. But, you know, I had homeless cock suckers across the street from my house. And they were harassing neighbors.

And one of these motherfuckers was, there was a neighbor from around the corner. They got into a little argument or something. one of these cocks suckers, Joey, this woman, she pulled her pants down and shat in her hands and threw it at my neighbor. I said, if that had been my fucking wife and this animal threw shit at my wife, so I took all their,

because what they've been doing in Los Angeles, and listen, people are this, that, whatever, what they've been doing is they know the rules and all that stuff. So the next day, I took, because, so they were in a place where the cops couldn't tell them to move because they know how to park their shit on the street. and and I took their shit.

I took a fucking stick. I took all their shit after they threw the woman shit in her hands and threw shit at the neighbor. I took all their shit. I threw it in the fucking street. Then I called the cops because they were blocking traffic. These cocksuckers are blocking traffic. And they got the fuck out of there.

But when you throw shit at people, it's time to go. You can't be throwing human shit at people, Joe. I don't know what happened. And you just blew me away. You're the last of the real New Yorkers. And you saw it. You saw what I saw.

Like, I just saw something that was not beautiful anymore. It was going to be problematic somewhere along the line. I'm too old to be carrying a fucking gun. Right. You know, I'm too old. My Charles Bronson days are over with it. Right. It was just a scary place.

Right. You know, the kids, you have grown up kids. Your kids are grown. College. I have an 8-year-old. The park is bombarded with homeless. And again, you know, it's mental health and whatnot. But it was just time to go.

I had done my 23 years. You've been there 10 years longer than me. You're there 30-something years. You know, you did everything you could there now. And now it's time. to move back to fucking New York. And you and your wife moving in New York? Me and my wife, my kids are,

one of my kids is actually in New York, college, the other ones here. But yeah, I mean, you know, I'm getting the fuck out of here. I'm excited about it. You know, my kids are fine. They love New York. They come back and forth.

That's, you know, and they're older. So they travel by themselves. Hopefully, you know, they could continue, you know, you know, with the health and all that shit. But yeah, we're getting the fuck out of here, you know. And I'm excited about it. You know, it's like, you know, we talk about changing and packing. I'm sure you went through it, you know, the fucking packing and the moving and the boxing.

There's a great thing about moving when you're done with it because one thing that I've, we haven't even officially moved yet, but getting rid of the amount of shit. Oh, my God. Are you, are you like, have you, you must accumulate all sorts of shit. You have no fucking idea. And you have to make the hard decision. and go, do I need this fucking... Shit's gonna go.

Picture. Do I need every goddamn fucking photo, every goddamn book, every chotchky, every piece of fucking, every cord, every fucking wire? I haven't worn this sweatshirt in a year. Oh, I like it. Bye. I'm, I've been at, I was just at the,

when I hit you this morning, I was at the Goodwill. They know my fucking name there. It's like cheers for me. In the last month, I'm like fucking, I'm like Woody Harrelson. And when I left, the Goodwill was closed. What'd you do with all your shit?

I just dropped it off in front of Goodwill. Oh, right. I kept dropping off bags. I took the books to a fucking place by my daughter's school. They had a school thing. I put books in there and growing weed. I put books of fucking Russian rules of life. There was books that I had that I had read 15 fucking years ago,

Why do we keep this shit? Because it's not that I'm not a hoarder by no means. Trust what I'm telling you. You put stuff away and you, you know, you get off the, you go, then you become a comedian, and then you do a podcast, and you get things sent to you by sponsors, people who think they're going to come on the show, and then they look at your show, and, you know, I threw away.

There was two closets, Michael Rappaport. You could not believe what was in there. I mean, from fucking guitar speakers to fucking micro wallets. How many fucking speakers does one person need? How many? Oh, my God. Mini speakers, mid-sized speakers. Oh, my God.

I had pictures. You know, people on the road are very generous. I love them to death. I find, I found something that has to be a collector's item that's got to be worth thousand. Somebody gave me a honeymooner's dish. Uh-huh. The honeymooners of Ralph with the sweater on dancing, the hucklebuck.

I just found that last week. I got to bring it down here. You know, you find shit that you don't even remember you have. We threw away boxes, boxes of stuff. It's good. It's liberating. And it gives me a lesson. Going forward,

I'm not keeping any fucking. No. Now people are like, do you have a P.O. box? Not really. No. I have nothing. Don't send me anything. I appreciate it. Because I've got a.

shed out there still with boxes. I don't need it. If you're going to send me another black t-shirt, don't send it, please. I don't want your fucking black t-shirt. Oh, my God. I don't want your fucking, you're starting an underwear line. You got box of shorts with a picture of Bugs Bunny or fucking Donald Duck or me or you,

I don't want any of it. I don't want the boxes. I don't want your fucking scented candles that are organic that comes from the honey of a, uh, A B that you I don't want any of this fucking shit. I don't want your experimental toothpaste. I mean, I had no, no, it was it was ridiculous what I had in that clock. I had a company started sending me Jiu-Jitsu geese because I'm a fat fuck and they were for oversized fat fucks.

They would send me two geese a week. Why? I had I only went to J-Jit-2 twice a week and I had 30 fucking geese. Well, for what? From this company. One company was great. But what did they think that you or any person wants that many geese for? I had to go to three different Jiu-Jitsu school and go, here you go.

Next time a fat fuck joins up, don't charge them for a gig. And even them, they didn't want all the fucking geese. They were like, what are we going to do with this? I had fucking those things, those sweatshirts that you wear underneath. I had fucking stuff, vitamins, minerals, CBD oils. I had rocks. It was like, no, that's it. And it was just, we couldn't get a dumpster.

No. Nothing. When we left in August, I couldn't get anything. We found out, we found out July 12th. We found out, this was our journey. We found out July 12th that there was no school. I told my wife, let's make a move. We called a person.

He said he could probably help us. He didn't know. I called Jimmy Florentine. He hooked me up with his sister-in-law. We put an offer in on one house. It went. We saw this house. And right away, we wrote her a letter.

We seen the inside. I sent my brother down here. Oh, wait. You sent your brother. You didn't physically see it yourself? No. Wow. But you had somebody check it and you saw the...

My brother's a house inspector up north. That's what he was for a living. He said this is what it's like. and he's showing you pictures and all that shit. He came down here with a fucking zoom. We zoomed everything. He inspected the gates, the dirt, the trees, everything. He goes, go.

We put an offer in. We wrote her a letter. And I knew when my wife fucking walked in the door, just a look on her face, I knew we had the house. Dope. We probably had the house 10 days later, and we started throwing shit out fucking right away.

and it was mind-boggling. Yeah, it's good. But the thing was, Mike, a lot of people don't know this. When I came back to shoot the Sopranos, I made up my mind that I was moving back. It was when I was going to pull the trigger. I knew she wasn't going to start the second grade in California. Right.

COVID just helped the process move along. Right. And that was the truth. I was moving all along. I knew when I, after I came back here to shoot that movie and I spent three weeks, I said to myself, what the fuck am I doing? I'm out there alone.

I have no family out here. We spend Christmases alone. We spend New Year's alone. You know, I'm working with comics. I want a normal life. I just want to live in a community where I could drive and get a fucking salami sandwich and people don't talk about Instagram all day

and, you know, how many fucking can you come on my pocket? It was just, it was so overwhelming and I didn't know it until I got off the fucking plane and I landed here. Are you, so, You love your house and you've been there like, shit, what, nine months? I've been here. It'll be officially eight months, April 19th.

So how do you feel being back in Jersey? Like, you know, with a dope crib that you're happy with, you know, like, how does it feel at this point in your life being back? What part of Jersey? Can you say what part of Jersey? South Jersey. I'm 50 minutes away from New York City. So how does it feel so far? How does it feel so far?

it took me about two months to realize what I had done. This has been like in layers. Like it's been like really a mental fuck in a way. It's been like layers. Like it was two months of greatness. Then it was two months of doubt. You have doubt that I make the right mistake. Did I make a mistake?

You know, for me it was about my daughter and my wife. Oh, you made the right decision for them. Yeah, it wasn't a comedy career. No, for them, it's great. No, because for them it's great. Listen, they're out right now. My daughter and my wife are out right now with three of the moms. They're at a fucking rock climbing place.

You know, Friday, they went to Long Branch just to get pizza. They got a group of moms here that give a fuck. You know, they try closing the schools here. Good luck. These fucking parents said everything they could to those fucking board of education people. I mean, I listened to it on Zoom And I couldn't believe what they were saying Were they going off?

Going off You're not going to keep these motherfucking path Where I live, it's 74% of people in this town Have two kids under 18 living in their house So it's a very family-oriented community My wife said one night You have to hear the Zoom meeting They went after the superintendent of schools

They were like, fuck you Were they calling them a cock sucker? Oh my God. They were like, you're just worried about your contract. If this continues, we'll veto it. We'll shut you down. We'll shut you down, you miserable motherfuckers. In the L.A., the parents didn't do dick.

Like, it was like they accepted it. That's it. We're going to just lay down over here. These fucking parents, oh my God, every fucking day they're sending emails. They call my wife to send an email. They got the principal, the vice principal, the state. All this area down South Jersey, the schools are wide open. Wide open.

Five days a week, four days a week, one day virtual. It's up north where everything's still shut. My hometown, they're not even thinking about going back to school. They might go back towards the end of fucking April. There's going to be some dumb fucking kids, Joey. Let me tell you something. These, these fuck, there's kids that last year that got passed that you know shouldn't have passed. There's kids that are graduating.

that are two fuck two like a year and a half i mean i think about like you know i see these these these things on zoom classes if i was a student on zoom first of all they'd kick me they'd be like you're not after two days they'd be like where you got to do something they kick me out but i would run these fucking teachers into the ground and in the way i was the fucking disruptive fucking pain in the ass i I would be, I'd make these miserable fucking teachers. If I was a student, I'd have them, they wouldn't sleep. If they had me during a pandemic as a kid, I was a fucking pain in the fucking ass.

But I didn't want to be there anyway. Is Zoom class? Come on, man. They're passing fucking people that have no business being passed because what are they going to do? Leave behind 12 kids. Like, C and D students, they're like, just, I don't want to deal with them again

because if you hold them back, you got to deal with these little fucks. So it's it's going to be a fallout from this shit in 10 years. And then in 10 years these kids are going to be like well the trauma from the pandemic because I had to take Zoom class and it was so traumatic. The fuck out of here with that

bullshit. Oh, AA meetings are going to be packed with these Zoom kids. These fucking Zoomers are going to be in their fucking. The Zoom generation. I drink because of Zoom. You know, fucking I can't see a Zoom. Nothing. His last name starts with a Z, so I get flicked. The Zoom generation.

Let me tell you something. I saw what was happening to my daughter. I'm not a fucking scholar. I'm not a psychiatrist. The parents weren't, you know, we were at the beginning of the pandemic, and nobody knew what to think, and there was a certain fear. They told you kids wouldn't have it. Let's meet at the park, we'll social distance,

let the kids play with mask on. You couldn't get parents to do that. and I could see my little girl going backwards. And when we got here and school started, they told us that she was having a little problem. And then they went back on Thanksgiving. You know, school started here September 4th. Like nothing happened.

Right. And then in November is when they shut us down. A teacher got it. And these fucking parents went to work, Jack. They were like, fuck you. We'll put them in a fucking Catholic school. Because Catholic schools are wide open. See, COVID don't attack Catholic people.

Why not? I don't know. The Catholic schools are wide open. They got no mask on. Nuns are fucking shaking their tetties. Everything's fine in the Catholic schools. The public schools are fucking locked the fuck down. So how can, you know, Christian brothers, I think, is closed down a couple schools.

But the trauma that's going to be done to those California kids and kids across the country, one year of no social activity. Fucked up. Here I send my daughter. If it's sunny, you better. to get the fuck out of this house and talk to kids. There's a guy across the street from Staten Island. He's got two kids.

I got the Hindus next door. I got the cops on down the corner. The Hindus don't go out. It hit India so hard that the Indian kids in the area and the Asian kids do not go to school here. Wow. I mean, these kids do not even leave their house. They don't fuck around, huh?

No, my friend has an Indian family next to him. He says, I guess who I saw the other day. The Indians finally came out. They haven't seen them since November. Because it hit India so hard that they got news over here, how bad it was. And they're fucking petrified. Are you, are you, have you been doing comedy yet? Have you started doing it?

Like, what's your deal with doing comedy and doing shows and moving around? Are you doing local shit? What are you doing? Here it is. First of all, I have guilt. I have guilt that if I do a 300-seat show and somebody brings it home, I got to live with their fucking grandma. mother's debt or grandmother getting sick on my death.

Number two, I got to be honest with you, Michael Rappaport, you saw what was going on at the store. You saw what we were living as comics. I had been doing it since that, like that, steady since 2010. Oh. It's time for a fucking breather. You need a break.

Everybody needed a break. Good. We were all caught on the Ferris wheel. What's Netflix going to do? What Netflix isn't going to do? Showtime. You got to get there Thursday. They added an extra show.

I mean, listen, we did things that I'm very proud of. But we, I think a lot of people step back now and are going, hmm, I think we were going a little bit too hard. For me, to answer your question, I had been doing stand-up to about 10 days ago. And there was a situation. I do it at Uncle Vinny's down in Point Pleasant. Yeah, yeah.

Fucking great club. Dino's a great guy. If you ever in the area, call him up and do that. the weekend. It's an easy weekend. The problem I had was the one week of customer went in there and had COVID, so they closed it down. They were panicked. And then another week. And then I just put it in God's hands. I know I had knee research. I got a new knee. January 8th. Like a new knee? Like bionic knee? Yeah. Like I got a fucking whole new knee. Like I got a whole new root new went and did it. I couldn't do it in the fucking pain no more.

And I don't know where the fuck we were going with this. No, you were saying about the shows. So I did the surgery January 8th. I worked hard, rapid port. I got off to pain pills. I went to PT. I fucking started lifting in mid-February. I started walking without the thing.

I did everything perfect. No problems at all. The knee came along fine. And all of a sudden, about 10 days ago, I'm getting the swelling on the side of my knee. I don't know what it is. not my knee. It's something on the side. And when I went for my checkup,

I kept calling the doctor going, I need muscle relaxers. I'm getting like a big lump on the side. I need muscle relaxers. The fucking guy wouldn't give him to me. Like, I'm going to go snort muscle relaxers or some shit. I could see if I was axi-axing for oxycodone or pain pills. I was just asking for, like,

muscle relaxes. And that's, like, a-12-millimeter fucking a leave. One of those the higher aspirin. He wouldn't fucking give him to me. So he goes, no, come back for an appointment. I went down, they did an x-ray.

And then the chick said, no, there is something wrong. Let me do an x-ray from a different angle. And they found that the IT muscle something had like a little tear in it or whatever. So they just... Oh, shit. But you know what? I'm walking all right.

I'm fine. What I'm going to do is this. I got sick and tired. of taking COVID test every other fucking week, three tests. You got to take the rapid, the fucking one, and then won five days later. Yeah. I'm done.

The other night I stayed up and I put my name on 20 lists for the Johnson and Johnson. So I'm just waiting for the call. He just announced 55 or over, New Jersey. You're allowed. So I put in for Johnson and Johnson. Why Johnson the one shot?

Yeah, I'm scared of fucking needles. Are you? Yeah, big time. Big time. I faint. You go take a little poke. One poke, you'll be fine. They'll give you a little poke.

It's not even in the ass. I don't have a problem with needles. Last time I got a needle in the ass, I faint in at the fucking table. One of those fucking stupid fucking shots. When I give blood, I get dizzy, and my palms start sweating. Really? It's mental, right? Yeah, it's all mental.

I do not like it. You could tell if I'm going for a needle. If I tell you, as soon as they call me and go, you have a shot next Tuesday at 1245, come over here on Monday and watch me. all day. I'm a bumbling, stumbling, fucking jerk off. I bump into things.

I'm scared. Excessive pissing. You know, it's just fucks in my insides. I just don't like needles. I'm going to do this because I want to do comedy eventually. I want to go back into big rooms

and do comedy, you know. I don't want to get COVID because I perform for 41 fucking people. If I'm going to perform, let's fucking perform. Right, right, right. hundred fucking people.

Right. So let me do this. Let me take some time off. I just got back to Jersey. Right. It's been 30 years since I've been down to Jersey Shore. Right. I signed her up for camp.

I'm going to go to different fucking shores every week and explore. I'm 58 years old. And I did a complete fucking circle and I'm back here. Good. I left here a fucking bit thief. I left here a two bit fucking thief, you know, homeless. The only option I had when I left here was prison. I ended up in prison.

I turned my life around. I moved to L.A. Things happened the way they did. I don't control them. And at one point I was like, I think I shot, after I shot the Netflix special, I was done in 2016.

I was like, what is this all about? It's time. And then I got the soprano movie and I got to spend three weeks here. When the fuck is that thing coming out, man? September 24th. They had to.

I'm not mad at them. You cannot be, you're in the movie business. There's a big investment. You've got to get your money back. The movies they did release. And it's evergreen anyway. It doesn't change. It's not like it's.

So what we're going to do is this. We're going to fucking, you figure by July 1st, you know, 50% of us will be vaccinated. The other half. So hopefully, I think by July, August, we open up movie theaters. Right. And we could all see movies the way they're supposed to. to be seen. Right.

You know, I saw the new Jared Letto movie with Denzel, Washington. I thought it was Men's Amort on TV because I watched it on TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The effect of a movie theater is fucking huge on a movie. Yeah. People have no idea. I know the difference when I watch a movie at home, when I watch a movie on a movie theater, when I watch a movie on a plane.

Yeah, it's different. When I watch a movie at home, you're in no danger. I'm looking at the wall. I'm looking at my toes. I'm sniffing my armpits. I'm scratching. my nuts.

When I'm at the movie theater, I'm there. You know, you're there. You're feeling it. Yeah, you're right. So I think they were going to release it March 14th. I think David Chase said, what am I going to do? I want to release it at home. I worked hard on this.

Let them wait. Nobody's, I'm not pissed. Me neither. I want people to watch the shit the right way. Yeah, yeah. It's like stand up. I want people to be in a room that they're happy to be in. Yeah.

I'm not fucking scared to death. Let me put this one of these. You know what's been good in Los Angeles. I'll tell you one thing that's been fucking great. These little mini outdoor shows. They're tremendous. And they're tremendous here. Thank God.

When I got here, they were just perfecting them. Now they got it down. Now they really got it down. And they're going to just do outdoor venues, tons of them here. Yeah. Like I said, Mike, I want to give this a breather. I want to fall in love with comedy again. all over again.

I want to fall in love with it like I was in 1998. You know, I think the numbers and selling tickets and everything got in a way of what was just a hobby for me. I got you. It was something that was supposed to be fun, and now it wasn't fun anymore. It gets too much of a grind, and they sell out and all this shit.

They sell out. Who the fuck? No. They took this money for this. You know what? It was 10 years straight. I'm very happy about my accomplishments. was not supposed to be here.

I was supposed to go to prison and get caught up in the prison system. Some way God twisted that. I'll take it and I'll fucking leave. And when I want to come back, if it's a year, if it's six months, the door is always open. Good for you. Good. Hey, did you see speaking of prison system? Did you see this shit yesterday in Oklahoma City?

This prison ride in Oklahoma City? No. Holy fuck. you yo they had these fucking they took over to fucking prison they had this guy one of the COs

they had them fucking it was on video they had the fucking guy strung up they were going nuts and then apparently the cops came in they shot one of the people and it was you got to see this look up Oklahoma City prison shit it was crazy people that are free

are going crazy there's people that are not in prison and mental health is at an all-time high. Could you imagine, just for two minutes, anybody who's listening to this podcast or watching, close your eyes. Close your eyes. Let me and Joey take you into jail real quick.

And think of being in prison. Think of being in prison right now. Just think about the fucking walk them through the cell, Joe. They're in the cell or are we getting to the cell? Walk them through it. Listen, they probably got to wear a mask if they got another guy in the cell with them. And you're in the cell with a guy from Oklahoma City.

You know, when he shits, you smell it. And when you shit, he smells it. You got to smell that good shit that he's shitting. How many prisoners aren't getting money sent in because their families are not working and they're suffering in there. So now they, and listen, they got to prison. Fuck them.

They made a mistake in life. And now they got to deal with it. And I understand that I was there. When I was in prison, nobody fucking felt sorry for me. But I'm telling you right now that if you think people are going off and they're just walking the streets, think of what inmates are going through. Right. They're probably not letting them watch TV in a circle no more. They probably got to watch TV in their fucking cells.

God knows. I don't know. I don't know. It's been 30 years since I was in a fucking prison cell. Thank God. But I can't imagine what it's like in that. more prisoners should be fucking. This is not the first prison thing

you're going to hear about this year. Oh. You know, so don't think this is, you know, prisons got to be going crazy. But here's the funny thing. Here in New Jersey, every prisoner got vaccinated. They got vaccinated before school teachers.

There are guys doing life in prison in state prison here in Rawaway, and they got vaccinated before teachers. Joey, are you fucking serious? I'm being dead serious. so you're not to pick a fucking scab or anything. But this is the reality of this pandemic. These are the things that are happening.

You cannot put your finger on it. All you could do every day is wake up, look at your computer and go, God help me before I open this computer, to see what the fuck I'm going to read today. Is it Suzanne Summers having sex three times a day before lunchtime? Or is it fucking, some fucking guy went into a supermarket and shot 10 people?

Is it going to be a lady through shit at a human being? What are we doing a piece of shit? It's mental health. This is destroying kids. I know kids that went from having A's that are fucking not even opening up the fucking computer in Florida. It's not good. This is, you know, we look at each other. I look at Mike.

I look at you. And I said, I look at Florentine. I look at these people. And I go, we don't really know what the struggle is right now. Yeah. We don't know what it is. What if right now you were living in L.A., you lost your job, you're a decent person, and you're living in your car.

There's a lot of guys like you and me, Mike, that were actors that are living in their fucking cars right now, going to a place that lets them take a shower once a day, go to all your parks. It's just not, listen. When you look at the homeless situation, L.A., 50% of it is mental health, bro. Yeah. They light their skin on fire. They do all that crazy shit. I'll tell you what, right now in the next fucking year,

the number from these eviction shits and all this that people getting evicted. I read a story the other day. Here's the best thing I read Thursday. Thursday or Friday, I read a family in California sold their house in Riverside. Are you ready for this? Go ahead. They sold their house in Riverside. The people paid for the house.

now they refuse to leave the house and they're protected through the loophole through the eviction moratorium. So these people... I heard about this. Did you hear about this? Yes. So these people now have to sue these people

to move into a house that they paid for because there's a loophole in the fucking system that lets them stay in the house even though the people paid them for the fucking money. They paid them... They paid the people that are now not leaving. Right.

And the people are fucking going to stay in the fucking house. And now the people that bought that house are fucking have to take them to court. So you made my fucking day. And I'm not, again, I'm not one of those. You never heard me go, I fucking hate L.A. There's no bagels. The fucking pizza. I was never one of those New Yorkers.

I was never one of those New Yorkers. Right. The fucking, the bagels. You should stay all. You should be happier away from New York. You fat fuck off the bagels. And the pizza and the donuts. No one wants to hear.

They got great bagels in L.A. They got everything you fucking need out here. They got nothing. I've never been one of those guys. But I will tell you that I did see the tide change in people in L.A. If you don't think when, if you don't think when Lady Gaga's dog Walker got shot that didn't bother me, I come from a place that nothing bothers me. Like, I don't give a fuck. Why did it bother you?

Because I walk those streets. I walked those streets thousands of times I walked those streets I walked from you know many times I walked from Schrader to the comedy store I got two in the fucking morning

how many times I walked up Sierra Bonita to go to Run You Canyon I walked those streets I see to feel that somebody got shot walking a fucking dog in L.A. And they took three dogs and it breaks my heart I'm hearing things that are happening in the Valley

I hear North Hollywood goes off once it gets dark, you know. Yo, Joe, these cock suckers, the other night, I'm not exaggerating. There was a chase in my neighborhood. I live in Hancock Park, which is a good neighborhood. Very good neighborhood. These cock suckers were chasing this motherfucker for five hours in my neighborhood. Up my street, down the street, up LaBrea, Detroit, all this motherfucker, in a U-Haul, five hours.

hours from one to six in the morning. I'm not exaggerating. Helicopters over my house, the fucking house was loo-lo. My wife said, you slept through three and a half hours of it. Because I knew if I looked at my phone, I had to go to work her in the morning. I knew if I got up and looked at my phone, I was just like, just go to sleep, just go to sleep. Just go back to sleep. This cock sucker wouldn't come out of a U-Haul. He stole a U-Haul, five fucking hours of the fucking helicopters and all this shit. Finally, this prick comes out. They arrested this dumb fuck. I don't need this in my life. I got to get fucking sleep.

I got to get up at fucking six in the morning. I'm shooting a fucking show. I don't want you riding up and down my street with the cops and the U-Haul. I don't. Who needs that shit? This is supposed to be like this pristine place. I don't need that. Let me tell you something.

I haven't. I don't know how to put this. I remember being here for two weeks and looking at my wife and going, I don't feel like Henry. Hill no more. I don't hear helicopters every day. Because every day I was hearing fucking helicopters. I felt like Henry Hill. Everywhere I went there was a fucking

helicopter. I have not heard a helicopter in seven or eight months. Mike, I got to be honest with you. You made my day by telling me I don't want people to leave L.A. for the wrong reason. Right.

I think, and for you, I don't know where your head is at. I don't know if there's any doubt or anything. brother, you did everything that was to do in L.A. I come back. We're doing a podcast over Zoom. You're in Jersey. I'm in L.A. I mean, if they need me, I got work.

I come back. I have no problem coming back. Who knows? I might wind up getting a place in Los Angeles. I don't fucking know. But I don't need to be here. I need to be more in New York than in L.A. And because of my kids, obviously, that's a big factor. But because they're older and because of all this shit with the pandemic,

I'm like, I've done my fucking, there's too much technology. Like there's, you don't need to be here all the time. I don't want to be here all the time. It doesn't mean, I don't get anything from Los Angeles. I don't get any, not to say that New York is perfect or Jersey is perfect or Philly's perfect or any of these other places are perfect. But L.A., it doesn't lend to me. Like the biggest thing that I miss about New York is going out and,

finding the day. In New York, you could go out and just find the day. You might stop in the park. You might stop here and get a slice. You might stop there, get a coffee. You might run into your friend. You know, I'm going on the 23rd. I'll walk with you. Oh, okay, cool. You know, oh, I meet up with my wife. We'll go, you know, do this. We'll go shopping. Pup, blah, blah, blah. You go. The museum's up and we'll go into the fucking museum. And then at the end, like, six, seven o'clock, you're like, I had no idea what I was going to do. But I found the That's a perfect situation. But I just driving everywhere, the shit that we mentioned already, like we're, we're, we're, um, animals.

Human beings are animals. You're from a certain climate and a certain, you know, habitat. We need to be in that habitat to survive. I prefer New York City. That's what I am. Manhattan. That's where I'm born and fucking raised. I prefer it.

I love it. I adore it. I know the weather gets fucked up. What am I going to do? It's fine. So I'm excited about it. I'm happy about it. And so much good shit happens when you change.

Obviously what we did is extreme and not everybody could afford the luxury of making a change or being able to change and all that stuff. And our lifestyles are different. But change is good. It's scary, but change is fucking good. And so many things, we haven't even gotten to New York,

just from the changing. and the getting rid of all the old shit and the toothpaste and the fucking geese. But aside for that, so many positive things have already happened from this change that hasn't even occurred yet. So I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait.

Why New York, Mike? Why didn't you- It's what I'm from? I'm born and raised in Texas, Florida. You had so many options. What am I going to do in Texas? Maybe one day, maybe I will get a place in Florida.

I don't know, but what the fuck am I going to do in Texas? You know, I know a lot of people went to Austin. What am I, I've been to Austin one time for three days. I don't know anything about Austin. What am I going to go there? Because a bunch of comics are going there. Joe Rogan, that's Joe Rogan. You know, he's doing his shit.

But I'm not, I'm 50 fucking one years old. I don't follow no man. I'm married. You know what I mean? What the fuck am I going to do? For the young kids, that's cool. They might think that's dope. They don't have families and all that shit.

But what the fuck am I going to do in fucking Texas? Oh, they got bars. There's our, what the, I'm going to New York City. We got every fucking thing. You go home. Every fucking thing. This is, you don't get any better. So you're Austin.

There's some town, Tulsa, Nashville. I'm going to New York. The fuck are you going to tell me about anything? It's New York. I don't care if it's Cuomo, Diplazio, crimes up, crimes down. The fucking subway's working. The subway's not. Garbage.

It's, it's, New York City. You're going home, brother. Fucking Manhattan. That's what I'm from. You're going home. No, hey, listen, I had options. I thought about telly ride.

I thought about Boulder. I thought about Austin. And I knew where I would be the happiest. I wanted my daughter to see what I saw growing up. I am ecstatic when my daughter says she wants me to take it a white castle. My fucking heart bleeds. Last night, we got home. We got home last night at 10 to 9 and I go mercy don't even fucking blink

Go in the shower because we're gonna miss the 9 30 honeymoaners every Saturday we have a date We watched the odd cup archie bunker and then we watched the honeymooners You know she was ready to go my wife got a second shot yesterday So as soon as we got back she went right to the fucking crib I don't know how she's up and out today She's doing she took it to the fucking game zone. I did this because it was time to come home. Got to come home. And you'll be back

in L.A. L.A. ain't going anywhere. You got shit to do. No, where. You got this job, that job. It's, you know, that I just, uh, I got a little acting agent in New York to start getting me little acting gigs, you know. Right.

If I don't want to do them, I don't do them. If I don't do them, I don't do them. If I want to do them. And, uh, I'll tell you made my day because now I got somebody to visit when I go over there. Fuck yeah. We can go to an acting class together. We got a slice of pizza together. Yep.

Whatever. You just made my fucking week, man. Hey, I'm telling you, when you called me, it was a Saturday. I think the fights were on or before the fight. I remember I was like, oh, shit, this fucking, fucking Coco left. And my wife was like, he fucking left. I was like, fucking coco fucking left. And she was like, we need to get the fuck out of here.

I swear to God. I'm not bullshying you. We were already thinking about, but she was like, fucking we it was just kind of like get the fuck out i did like i said it wasn't a comedy thing for me it was so listen i was coming no matter what and the covid fucked fucked it up and they canceled the soprano shoot and that stopped me from buying a house in burgen county i was going to move to burton county i ended up moving down to mammoth county but i really wanted to go up closer to where i was from but covid had fucked that area up so i was like fuck it i'd just move down south

And I'm very happy I'm here and I'm very happy that you're getting the fuck out of there. And it's a tough decision. If you have any doubts, I'm sure you don't. You're a strong, fucking minded dude. And you're going to do just great. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Bro, you've been watching the city. What did you say?

You were born, you know, Glenn Fry has that song. You belong in the city. Bro, I heard it the other night on one of the Miami Vice episodes is on 11 o'clock here. And I was like, you know what? this song hits them the head man you belong to the city and it's you got to come back at some point and i love new yorkers i've always loved new yorkers and new yorkers love me i fucking adore new yorkers and and there's not as many as there used to be but i love motherfuckers that are from the five fucking boroughs and we don't even i run into mother you get the same thing

because we have the same sort of people that are you know, in the East Coast that that fuck with you. They talk. I'm like, a lot of times I'm like, do I know this fucking guy? Because they're just like, Mike Rob, what's up? Did you watch a game last day? And I'm like, do I know? I'm talking to the guy.

And then I'm like, I don't even know what the fuck I'm talked to. But New Yorkers know a New Yorker. And I know a New York. And I just, I love walking the streets of New York. I don't go fuck if it's hot, cold, snowing, raining. I get honked that. I get fucking people screaming at me from across street. Mike rap, it's my father's there.

He's 87. He hasn't gotten COVID. He fucked COVID. Joey, my father fucked COVID in the asshole. He fucked COVID right up the ass. He's 87. He's a Jewish dinosaur. He bent COVID over and banged COVID right up the ass. He's good. And what about moms? Gray too. Mark and Joanne Gray, everybody's. We've been lucky so far.

Well, man, I will be here waiting for you. You made my fucking week by telling me. you're coming here in May. It's hard to believe that you're leaving L.A., but that's it. You did what you had to do, man. Bye, fucks. And you made it happen.

I'm fucking, I love you, Mike. You know that. Love you, too. I'm happy you made time for me today. Of course. And happy Passover to you and your family. Thank you. And we'll talk when you fucking get to L.A.

Please. Anytime, Joe. As soon as you hit New York, just give me a call. I got you. You're going to be busy for three months unpacking. trust me but I got rid of a lot of shit though I got I was two fucking bags

full this morning at the at the uh at the the goodwill two fuck they know me they say what's up how you doing Mike more stuff yep two bags was the least of my and even the big black fucking garbage bag oh the big fucks not the little not the little shit you're using the kitchen I'm talking about the big

like you could put a hefty hefty hefty wimpy whimpy whimpy you got the hefty hefty the big industrial side Dog, I threw away 20 of those books. I was taking clothes, karate clothes to different schools. I had protein powders. I had fucking watches. I had so much shit.

But listen, thank you for coming on the joint. I love you. Anything you need. You know, you can find me. Hopefully when you move, I can get on your podcast and just go over there. And we'll do a fucking studio gig or something. For sure. Thank you for coming on the joint.

Love you, Coco. Have a great week. Stay black, cocksucker. I love you. I'll talk to you soon. Power. Happy Passover. All right.

What'd you think? Coxuckers, right? When two old friends get together, it's just a conversation. It's not a podcast no more. This is what him and I would be saying to each other on the phone. I feel happy that he's leaving, you know, not because of, you know, I think LA crime went up 61%. I know that they cut a million dollars from their budget. They had to put another $40 million in because they're expecting a heavy-duty fucking summer of marches and whatever the fuck they call them peaceful parades and gatherings.

But I think it was, you know, people changed. I mean, that was a, he's a hardcore actor. He has a lot, way better credits than I do. It's time to change. I call this in March that people are going to look at their lives and go, what the fuck am I doing here? For him, it was seeing some homeless lady throw a piece of shit. That's what I've always said. Once somebody throws a piece of shit,

it's time to fucking pack up your bags and fucking leave. And with that, I will leave you until next fucking Monday. I hope you enjoyed the podcast this week. I hope you enjoying what I'm doing. I hope you enjoy the growth. It hasn't just been me. Mike has been fucking 90% of this with the sound and the lights and we're really fucking trying for you guys

to put something together of what we got. We didn't have all the tools when we started and we could give you. I still remember when we did the Rich Boss podcast and they were fucking hot of us and shit. And I loved it because it just goes to show you that you got to try things. If not, you're never going to know where they're going to go. You got to try and sometimes you fall on your ass and sometimes you do good, but you're never going to know until you try. I love your cock suckers.

Thank you for listening. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. Thank you very much for listening. I want to thank Michael Rappaport. I want to thank you guys. I also want to thank life for being beautiful. But before we get the hell out of here,

I want to talk to you about something. Listen, for years, I didn't sleep. When I got up to 418 pounds, I was sleeping maybe four hours a night. You could jump up and down. You could do all the exercises, and you can. But if you don't sleep properly and get deep-rim sleep,

it's not going to work out for you. That's why I love Blue Blocks. Blue Blocks makes the best sleep mask known to man. They sent them to me a couple weeks ago. I took a look at it. I go, what the hell, let me give it a shot. Let me tell you something. The first night I slept like a baby,

and I got to sleep at me a mask on. This fits right over the mask. I look like a pilot to bombardier. I was finally piloted the bombardier. So if you have a hard time sleeping because you have any light in the room, get rid of the light, because any amount of light will keep you up.

Go with Blue Block's sleep mask because it blocks out everything, total darkness. Once you go black, you'll never sleep on anything else. Listen, the thing I like about it the most is it cups your eyes and it makes the world go away. It helps you dripped off to sleep. I put my pair on, I hit the ped, I say in our father, I say, I help marry and I go, what is that going to do for me? And next thing you know, it clears my mind and I fall asleep. Why? Because I just, it just drips away. The adjustable head strap won't wear out and its contoured sides allow for side and belly sleepers.

There's going to be no slipping involved. When I wake up in the morning, I wake up the total darkness. I remember what the, I wake up like, what the hell is going? Oh, that's right, I got my sleep goggles on. Let me take them off. Remedy made a great sleep mask. They really hit it out of the park. It's comfortable.

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