The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 05/20/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #81

Episode Date: May 21, 2013

George from MMA junkie calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Ting. Visit church.ting.com for a $25 service credit or device discount. Streamed live on 05/20/2013

Today's episode is brought to you by Ting. Please visit church.ting.com for a $25 service credit or device discount. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Monday, May 20th, you fucking savage. Hit it! Your bad self! Papa got a brand new funk. Parted for your life. Oh shit. The church of what's happening now. Oh shit. It's confusing. It's like a bad fucking acid trip.

But here we are, bitches. The flying Jew, the Cuban, and some black people jumping up and down on a Monday. Who's better than us? Yeah. What's happening? Lower this fucking P.E. Brothers going to work it out. Virginia beats Cirque of 1991.

Cops were beating up black kids. You gotta fucking love it. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Get up cock suckers. Get up. Jumping jacks. for oatmeal, alpha brain. I don't give a fuck what you do.

Just get up. What's going on there, Lysayat, you filthy animal? I had a crazy weekend. I could just imagine. No, but let me get it out. Then you can make the noises. Here we go. Here we go. Let's go.

It's a... I don't have it in front of me, but one of our listeners put a video out of you talking about fear and how it's a good emotion to have. And, like, for example, when we started this podcast, I didn't want to be on it.

I thought I was just going to do this, and you would talk and I would never be on it. I'm that way with girls too. And I was thinking about it. I mean, I've dated girls, but it's always people who we just kind of started dating. You know how that happens? Like, you just hanging out, eventually you start dating. And then online get it, which I fucking hate.

It's fucking terrible. I have some stories about that. But as you know from Joy, you're giving me shit constantly. I have this girl that I like. I like. And I decided that I was. I was going to tell her. And it fucking, my heart was beating out of my fucking chest. And, uh, it, like, it was, like, one of the scariest things I ever had to do. Uh, and I did it. And we've been friends for,

like, six years and she said, and she just broke up with someone and said we're friends. And, you know, I thought I would be, like, destroyed by it. But, like, in, it, like, I've never picked up a girl at a bar. I'm always looking up with friends or people like that. And I, I thought it would be, like, the most terrible thing. And, like, immediately, I was fine with it. Yeah, she is hot and if she had said if she had been if she had said yes that would have been nicer, but it's not I don't off your chest I got out my chest and I also I'm like when we go out when I go out I don't talk to anybody unless I'm hammered

And I went to the bar that night I talked to like 20 girls like you said that I think you said this every girl I saw I would just lean over to it to look very pretty tonight and I would just walk away I wasn't trying to hate on them And it's amazing how happy that makes people it's just a it's like the scariest thing for me because I'm a shy guy but like the

I felt so like I feel like this is the happiest I've ever been kind of I don't have a relationship right now but like these friends I've been hanging out with which you've said you can't have girls who are friends

but it's fine it's like I've never had those friends where every weekend you hang out and like I finally have that and it's uh it's it's really cool like people like One of the movies was I was watching or something was like,

don't you remember high school was so awesome. And I liked high school and I had some friends, but that in college wasn't the happiest time of my life. And like I feel like it's, I feel like it's starting to come together. So, yeah, it sucks that she said she didn't feel the same way. But, like, it was so, because I know there's people listening who are on the same boat.

It's not, like, I had thought, I thought about it. I never went to a girl, I don't think, and said, I like you. I have feelings for you. And it was okay. It made me feel It made me feel good about it So like I'm happy about it

You got it off your chest You overcame a hurdlely You took yourself out of your fucking comfort zone Yeah We talk about this all the fucking time I wish somebody told me about this shit When I was 28 or 29 I had fucking no idea

I wouldn't have done nothing out of the fucking ordinary You know I remember being In the seventh fucking grade I mean Going up to a girl And asking her out It's got to be the fucking test thing In the goddamn world

And when you're You get denied, you know, like it just sticks with you for the rest of your life. And again, in the sixth fucking grade, I went up to this hot little Cuban girl named Debeis Rodriguez. She used to hang out with this other freak called Jeanette Blasco. They were banging little poor freaking bitches in Jersey. And I went up to, I met about lunchtime in front of Jeanette, like a fucking moron than I am. You know, I had to work up my carriage and sweat and fucking think about it.

And I was going to write a note. And then I worked from strength at that age. I said, fucking my mom. Just tell them directly. you want to do something, you know. And I went up to the girl and I said, I like to take you out of a day, you know, whatever, I like you. And she was like, I'm flattered, you know, but I can't.

I like to be friends. It embarrassed the fuck out of me because every time those two girls saw me, they giggled. Yeah. You know, they giggled, you know what I'm saying? So it was embarrassed the fuck out of me. Listen, I could tell you it didn't bother me. It bothered me of night.

I wouldn't fucking remember that memory. Of course. Right now. I remember her name. I still remember what she looks like. I mean, it's fucking hard. But, listen, I can never go up. to a woman in a bar.

Like, you ever go out and you see creepy fucking guys. They're the worst. It's the worst. And I could never do that. I'd rather turn the other creep around and just go up to them, tell them what you need, and walk the fuck away. You're never going to be happy. But if you don't ask and don't say, you're never going to get nowhere.

Look, the worst fucking thing is dragging something out with somebody. Yeah. What the fuck? You know, coming over here three in the morning, I want to help you fix your flight. Go fuck yourself. Just tell me you want to fuck me in the ass and let's get this over with. You know what I'm saying? Girls like the fucking honesty too.

What do you think? She didn't know. She fucking knew. Of course. You were sitting there. I've seen you in front of her. You all Googling shit that one night. She had those jeans on.

That bitch was banging. That little ass is on fire. But you got, see, the church of what's happening now? It helps at every fucking different level. It does. But I'm not proud of you because you're a fucking Momo. You should have tacked it when she was on the couch six weeks.

She felt the same way six weeks ago. That didn't matter. In the middle of the night when they were all confused, don't suck your dick by mistake. They don't know. It could be Magumba. It could be fucking some guy from the Boston Red Sox. You're a dick by mistake. You never know. I don't want to realize that. I'm going to have to.

Well, then in the morning, once you give them the fucking juice of love, then they're in love. It's like a prince charming when they she kissed a fucking frog. You don't know. Maybe you eat her fucking monkey the right way, but you didn't even try. You didn't even try. She's right there sleeping with a fong on and you're in the other room whacking off.

Thinking, eh, eh. Attack that fucking monkey next time, cock sucker. There's what you get. I'm going to wait for had a breakup. What the fuck? She's out of here two months. She's 22. She hasn't seen a dick. When you're 22, you know what her pussy's, she hasn't gotten laid now. She fucked Magoombo last week, and now

she's okay. But you give it a month or so. She's going to start scratching, and you're going to be right there for her, like a savage. There'll be 100 pounds lighter. Your head will be nice and big by that time. You balance and be all fucked up. Jesus Christ. You'll be eating her pussy. You can't get up because your head's too fucking heavy.

You'll be banging it like a fucking midget fidget. A midget fidget. Whatever the fuck be called. Now they want to be called little people. I don't give a fuck, you know. It's like a frat dude. I'm going to be called fat dude.

I want to be called heavy. What the fuck? Put your shit together. Sounds like a dance or something. The midget fidget. A midget. Cocksuck. You didn't eat her pussy.

I want to go to San Francisco with a wine. I'll fucking stab me with the cigarette. Anyway. I'll tell you what. This last weekend was the last of the five weeks I had on the row. Uh-huh. Because I was on the road for five weeks. Yeah, he's been a while.

Fucking wild. And it was great. Great. Looking back at it, I'd do it again. My sleeping patterns were a little off, but you know what? I mean, a lot of nice people. It started in Miami. It went to fucking Jersey. I went to Phoenix. I went to fucking Austin. But I got to tell you something, Long Island this weekend was great for Mata Z. Oh, really? Honest to fucking God. That's why we had to open up a P.E. out of fucking respect. I might even put on a Julius Irving video out of Roosevelt, motherfucking Long Island to drop some knowledge on you, bitches.

But, you know, it's amazing. I was having a... a rough fucking I hate when this ear thing happens to me I can't hear Oh yeah I can't fucking hear That happened a lot with you If I fly with my nose clogged Once I get on the fucking plane

I go god damn it I didn't spray in my nose The flones Okay And between minutes Once that air comes out of the fucking tube My nose gets fucking crowded As shit

So now I'm on the plane On a six hour fucking flighter No I got really sick I'm away from Austin Okay And then jumping on the Phoenix flight That was an hour It was the one that put the cherry

on the fucking bubble. You use the same suitcase. Why don't you just leave five of them in there? Because they only give you one at the fucking pharmacy. So pick up five. You can. Oh, it's not. Yeah.

No, they think you're making fucking speed and shit. You can't. They give it to you. You got to sign 22 fucking papers. The FBI's tapping on the shoulder. Speed is the last fucking thing in my mind. And they think you're making speed or something like that. So you can't.

So once I fucking forget, I bring the recola and I bring gum. Because when you chew gum, it opens it up. No, it's don't open dick up. So there I am sitting there. I can't fucking hear for a week. You know, so now I got to go down to the doctor in Wilshire. From two to five, and he cleans out my fucking ear, and he gives me a prescription of these steroids,

but you want to shoot somebody. They even tell you, for five days, don't be around my human country. Yeah, you want to stab people. That's why I went on the road. I was happy. I was in a good mood till fucking Saturday when I'm trying to... See, here's my problem. I don't sleep.

So when you don't sleep, your resistance goes low. For what? For everything. Okay. You don't sleep your immune system. It's weeks. You go out at night and smoke 22 joints with 22 different people

and I get 22 different sets of germs. Bam, my body's just so strong. On it, the fucking shrewd tech is just so fucking strong. You know, the vitamin C I pack, the fucking alphabet, it's just so strong. These things are just so strong. I'm smoking dope with 85 fucking people on a weekend

in these towns. So what happens? I get sick. So what happens? Five fucking days. So what I do now is Saturday night. I get off stage. I go back to the hotel, I always get my three or four hours, but it's three or four fucking hours. Yeah. Then two on the plane, five hours with 2,000 fucking people breathing, filthy motherfuckers, people

with hats on, whatever, people that don't wash. You know, those people with the scars on, they think they're cute, it's fucking warm. My neck gets cold. How about I fucking stab you with a fucking eyeball? Your neck gets cold, you're fucking pussy. So now I get this text, and I can't see. Yeah. I look at the text, and it says, group text, which is always a bad,

fucking thing. And I put the thing down and it goes bleep, bleep, whatever, twice. I never even knew the phone made that noise with his text. And I couldn't turn it off. I couldn't turn it off. I just got this fucking iPhone, Lee. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. For you people, your pictures

are out of whack. I don't know. Do I look like Johnny fucking photographer of you people? I look at press and whatever happens happens. You see my eyeballs on a plane. You think I could take a fucking picture. Every time I take a picture, I'm fucking three sheets in the wind. Stone to the Gill. People are like, you got to take clear a picture. your mother. I'm just showing you my fucking eyeballs

look like how red they are. So, uh, it's fucking Tom Segura. Telling me some shit. I can't even read without my glasses. And I put, and I'm trying to fuck, I'm right there. You know when you're right there? You've been right there like you're already

wanting to sleep, but you woke up a little bit and you're right there. This motherfucker starts going off like a pinball machine. Beem, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping. I fucking , ping, ping, Bing, Bing, Bing, I fucking go. get me off that fucking group text. He's fucking laughing.

If he wasn't laughing, I wouldn't have been so pissed off. When he started laughing, it was fucking infuriated. Are you guys off? I was furious. I was fucking furious. I'm trying to sleep, cops. I don't bother nobody. Who do I barbed?

It's Saturday afternoon. I'm fucking stoned. I just ate a half a Cheebo bar. I had oatmeal. I was trying to fucking take a nap. Okay. Because I know if I take two or three hour nap, with the three I get at night, I'm okay.

I can get off the plane and play with my fucking wife and hang out and go, if not I'm walking around half fucking wounded. You only sleep three hours. You do two fucking shows. You talk to 400. 100, 500 fucking people. So now I'm like, Saguas.

Stop getting me off this group text. He's fucking laughing. Yeah. So I get fucking furious then. The steroid, the fucking sleep. I get furious. And all of a sudden it keeps going. And it keeps going.

And he's like, well, I told him to stop. He can't get you off of it. I go, get me to fuck off it. Well, he should have got me on. Everybody knows not the fucking text me. And the next year you know, Duncan texts me like two times going, ha, ha, ha. I call him up.

I go, next time you fucking text me, I'll break your fucking fingers. And I just hung up on that fucking too. And I called him. And I was fucking furious. I'm still fucking furious. Not really. I ain't mad no more.

I was mad that moment because you understand you don't get too much fucking sleep. I'm finally right there, and all of some, the phone becomes fucking whatever. I'll teach you how to turn the sound off when you're sleeping. All right, thank you. See, a lot of people don't fucking know this. So my pictures, I'm sorry, but I'm no fucking photographer.

I hate cameras. I do it out of respect for you guys, so don't break my balls. Where's the music lead? It's Monday. Little respect for my mother, Dennora, and for all the spirits that fucking watch you, you cocksuckers watch over you while you're walking around and bumping into people.

You're slippingly. You fucked up. I'm not slipping. But I'm proud. Thank you. Because I love you. See, now I got to worry about you when I die. I want to be around, cocksucker. What do you mean you're going to worry about me? When somebody breaks your heart. Thank you, Tony. See it, baby? Where's the jumping test? Let me get three. Let me get three jumping jacks. You got to fucking wake America. You have to some jump in Jackson. Oh, it's my neighbors up.

Fuck them. Go. Let me do the fucking camera and go. Well, relax. Hold on. But somebody who... You're three of them. You look tremendous. I love it.

I'm proud of you. I do. I... What is it called? Let me switch cameras. I'm down a bunch of pant. Like, I had to cut two holes in my belt, and I'm down a shirt size.

So I'm fucking excited. And you're swimming, you're looking good. You've been working off. Of course. Twice a day. You got to keep the helmet in order. And you got to save some. Next time she sleeps over, you save some.

Right? And you come on her hand. No. Come like on her cup of her hand. So she snips it. It's in her skin. And then she starts, she falls in love. Oh, you're coming her soup. You know, put it in your little cup and get a Chinese soup and puts them in there, mix it in the egg drop soup. And she'll drink your little sperm, your little juice sperm that goes into her jeans.

And then eventually she'll fall in love with you. She'll can't take that taste. the mouth. Where did I go wrong in my life that I'm talking to you at six in the morning fucking, you got to mix it in the egg drop soup. See, you pick egg drop because it's not clear like wanton soup. No, it's text. You got the, you got the texture. It already looks like egg. I've done it a thousand times. You whack off in the egg drop soup. People love it. That is the most disgusting. Shut up, cock sucker. Let me tell you something. I got to tell you something real fucking important. This morning, I was talking, I did something and waterboxer.

Yeah. put on, told me to put on public enemy, black steel in the hour of chaos. Okay. I tell you something. They say that music is the soundtrack of life. I got to tell you what happened. It was, I got up at 3 in the fucking morning last night.

3.05. I went to bed at like 9. All right, I got up at 305. Wow. And I went to pee and I heard the baby. Yeah. Right? I mean, I opened the door.

They're here because the inked arms. Right. And there's my wife. Pass the fuck out on the bed. in the baby's room. Yeah. And the baby's wide awake with the purple light on

with a thing kicking. And I look at it my wife goes, she's been up since 1.30. Like, all right. So I pick her up, put the pacify in the mouth.

I check her, no diaper. I sit down with it on the computer. I put Popeye on. I put Popeye on. I put Popeye to sale. I put the fucking pacify on the month

and I got my notebook and I made notes of what I had to do the next couple days and my Monday and blah, but blah, blah. We were there for 20, my wife walked in and she's like,

I haven't heard her. What happened? She goes to bed. I go no, I put Popeye on. She's fucking, we were watching Popeye with the Aladdin lamp. And then I gave her, I gave it back to Terry. Terry fucking tapped out.

She made some Cuban coffee. I gave it back to Terry. We drank some coffee. We talked a little while. And I put that song on Black Steel. You know, after I saw a waterboxer put it on. And I did it my, it was like an anxiety attack. My emotions over fucking took me because that was the soundtrack

when I went to prison. That was the soundtrack. of my college right there that album was fucking amazing in my way and at first let me tell you some I can't lie to you I would sit there and go one of these yams gonna take this fucking album off between this and Bobby Brown don't be crew I'm gonna stab a fucking yam in here before the fucking week is over but that public enemy that song is so fucking deep that album I don't have time to review it I didn't have time to review it I listened to two songs I almost had a fucking heart attack

because it took me right back there to fucking September of 88th when I'm in that fucking from the beginning. So when you just hear it. No, no, Lee. It's like a movie. It's like, Lee, it was there. Like I could smell it. Like, I could smell the fucking rust.

So where were, like, if you had to be like one place, were you like in the cell or like, where were you? It would be in the cell, but in this place there weren't in cells. It was bedrooms. Okay. Little bedrooms and you had no door. Yeah. And it was Army barrack.

Oh shit. But you only had one bed in your room. So it was your own room. You know what I'm saying? That one was good about Camp George West. Because rifle, you had. had a double bunk or triple bunk with a motherfucker. You're smelling feet and ass all fucking night.

Yeah. This is, trust me, my experience wasn't as bad, but I would sit in that fucking bed at night. Yeah. And the guards would walk, but this was the far bunk because you worked in the kitchen. So this was the far, far, far, far bunk. So that was the privilege of having a far, far, far, far, far, far, far, not bunks, but army barracks. That was the beauty of it. So he wouldn't walk, take him an eye.

He would only come by once an hour. What's what I'm saying? Wherever else, you had a guard by you every ten minutes. We only have one, so the fucking Yams to turn on public enemy. And it was great, trust me. That's how I introduced to public enemy going to fucking prison.

So, thank God I went to prison. I got introduced to public enemy. And the brothers, I've got to work this motherfucker out. Can Death Squad Harlem or someone tell me if people are going to be offended by Yom? No. The Black Squad Harlem is Dominican. No, nobody's offended by Yom.

Nobody gets offended no more. Listen to the church. They know what they're going to fucking get. I'm a fucking spick, and that's just how it works out. I don't know if I can say. the fucking Irish. I'm with the fucking Ginnies. I'm with fucking everybody this week. I'm with the fucking Jews. How long have we been with

the fucking Jews? We've been with the Jews since day one. We're with everybody. We have no fucking beef here. The church of what's happening now? So what are you going to do that? You know what kills me about this country? When somebody makes a big deal about... Well, you know, and a piss, like I've told you before. I don't like when white people get pissed off because somebody

says the word nigger. But then again, I get pissed off when the Jew says Hitler. You follow me? I get offended. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you, cop-sucker? Using that word Hitler around me. You know what I'm saying? I don't like the word Hitler. In fact, speaking of Italian people, anyway,

I get the fucking New York, right? Before I get to New York, I got an email from this cool, cool motherfucker. Yeah. And he says, I see you're going to be in the city Thursday night. Oh, I'm so fucking does. I'm going to talk to you about this. He goes, stop by, and

my restaurant come and eat something. I was like, you know what, man? When was the last time I dipped into the fucking city? When? I'm always such a fucking mook. I call my brother George, and I call Timmy Holloway, the getaway drive on the Michael's Jewelry Heist, and I fucking call him. I said, what are you guys

do? Do you want to go to the Raleigh-Lang show with me? Like, yeah, go meet me at the Palm on 240 West... They have a bunch of New York. I checked the website after the end. The four of them, but let me say some. So, I went home, I went, it was in my hotel half a Cheebo chew just to get the blood going. I didn't want to... Just to get

it going. I didn't want to get, like, Lee, have my red eyes, like the color Lee shirt. And they set the car. the Arty Lang Show so I just said drop me off He said you want us to wait Nah drop me off I want to experience the whole fucking New York thing Yeah me and George moved to half a dube outside of whatever

George on the other hand stopped the Chan's Dragon Inn Because he's such a fucking soldier And picked up a container pork fried rice And four fucking egg rolls from Chan's Dragon Inn right Pick them up with the mustard The fucking fortune cookie the whole thing Brought it into the city and a bag And we walked into fucking Palm with the Chinese food

We sat all men at the palm restaurant With a fucking thing. So we get there. Francisco's our way. The bad little Spanish dude Look like Michael Corleone and Godfather too. The grease and bad motherfucker. You guys want wine? Nah. We're just going to go fucking command though here. So we open up with the lobster bis. George gets them aji tuna fucking off the chain I love a hithoon. Off the chain and I got the clams casino which have not had since like 82. That's a New York City thing. They don't know what the fuck clams casino on. And they put bacon bits with little all Tremendous. Then the fucking main course came. They The guy says to me, Francisco goes, what kind of steak you want to meet it? He goes, they have an 18-ounce... Sir one?

A bonnet. Beautiful. Fucking beautiful. I think it was a New York cut. Beautiful. I'm not good with cuts. I'm sorry, Anthony. Francisco suggests put some olives on that motherfucker with some red peppers, some jalapeno peppers, and lobster.

Lee, are you fucking kidding me? You call me, like, you call me when you're on the road, but the show was good. We got to do this on the podcast. You called me right after the meal. You're like... Dog, I just had this meal. It was tremendous. It was something, and you know what?

Listen, man, Joe Rogan, God bless that motherfucker. We go to the best joints. Joe Rogan does not fuck around. And I didn't even call Joe. I'm just going to wait to see Joe. Joe, go look. There's a Palm Restaurant downtown. Let me take you down there one night.

That's how good that fucking steak was, Lee. So I'm going to go back down there. I'm going to go to the one downtown across from the Staples Center the night before we baptize the baby. Oh, nice. Fuck yeah. They got the manager. So I want to give a shout out to my man, Anthony. fucking Spino for having me there

and my man Francisco the way there's the whole Palm Restaurant Organization You motherfuckers are throwing here Because I went there once before I went there when I booked something I took Josh Wolf And Ralphie May after lunch at the palms Next to Dan Tanners one day This had to be six, seven years ago

I think after the longest yard And it was delicious but I didn't forget Maybe something cocaine was on my mind something Maybe it's the fucking eight pounds of Cheeber Cheese you've eaten Shut the fuck up cock sucker Maybe you should give that fucking girl Cheeverchibut Do you smoke dope with her? Do you try to soft Or do you just tell her this shit?

You gotta soften these broads up. That's why I leave the wheelie and leave. I left you three fucking bats. Not for you to look at this. Three bats, two of them that have been started. Two roaches. If you smoke all that shit with her, you'll at least get the suck of titties.

Remember in high school when you got a chick high? She let you suck a tithis? Yes. And she has a drug test coming up. And for 99% of girls, you're right. But, and this is probably one of the reasons I'm not that upset. It's not as long as she. you guys, but she's like my George.

Like, I could go to her and ask her to do anything. So it's... You can't fuck everybody. That's the one thing about women. That's what guys make a mistake. You can't fuck everybody. No matter how bad to the bone you think you are. And you've got to have female friends.

I just, when I was younger, I fell into that trap. And I got out of it. Before you put them into the friend zone, you try to close them one time on the helmet. If they say no, they're not into it. Then they become your friends. You see if they're cool enough. Bro, I got some of my best friends of fucking women.

I love him. I just hooked up with Corey Tattoo. My friend in Long Island went to lunch. That's my girl. I love Corey Tattoo. I don't know if I'm done. She's beautiful. I have tons of buddies like that.

Let me give some shoutouts real quick. Go for it. About Longer. Let me tell you something. How good long. My man, Rockmaster Jello. This motherfucker showed up with canolaies, cookies.

Ask me about the flying Jew. He fucking works hard. He brought his friends from fucking work. I love Longer. I love these people. These people were fucking crazy. Charles Zurich. Pete and New Haven.

no fucking stop smoking cocksucker a guy with the fucking whatever I broke a bong in McGuire some guy brought a bong on I broke his fucking bong

by mistake I went to look but I got a blister on my finger I broke his $200 bong but my finger hurts I went to take the chamber

off and it was on fire and I fucking dropped it like a half a fag and it broke and shit happens so I want to give him a shot out he knows I fucking love him Anthony Spino again

my man Paul Connoley I love you Danny Brito and Paul Powers you bad motherfucker State black I remember when you believe in yourself You got the love coming to you You know what I'm right?

Yeah That's all I got for you today But the state go to the palms Everything Ardy Lang was That's the first time I met Artie I was blown the fuck away He was a sweetheart The show was great

Yeah he hadn't gone for a fucking long time Sure dog I don't fuck around Yeah No no but it was it was cool Because I know he did He used to have a radio show Or something like that and he did that and uh...

He was on Stern for a long time on the heroin and you know what I give him my eye he's trying real hard and I love him I love to get him on the podcast when I'm gonna call over there and see if he could call up because he knows he knows about addiction he knows what it takes you know Stan Hope hates what's the man

I don't know Dr. Drew oh yeah you know and it's funny I don't miss like Dr. Drew I just think the approach he took to addiction suck dick you know I get a lot of emails about addiction people hear it in my voice I know what the fuck I'm talking about it's 30 years I've smoked crack I got coke I did heroin I'm very fucking

fortunately I didn't get hooked on the heroin very fortunate I guess it was just so hooked on the coke there was no room for the fucking heroin you know I'm saying yeah but and people know man I know how to get off it I know how to get off it I got the fucking answer it's it's all within yourself that's it's it's all about you no rehab's gonna save you no religion's gonna save you the people around you're going to save you and you're going to save you but you're going to save you first then the people run you look at them and understand the weight you would put on them without you or something happened to you and that makes it all that's the picture from the other way when i started thinking

about what if you get a call lee tomorrow at six in the morning somebody says you're not going to believe this joey d is OD yeah you got a computer now you got a microphone you know what I'm saying you got a few shirts I was your buddy yeah I was your buddy you're going to go he left me down. You're not going to fucking say that you're not going to say that you love me because I let you down. At the end of the day, behind closed doors, you're going to talk whatever you want at that funeral. He was a good guy. He called me a cocksucker, you know, a fat Jew, the flying Jew. But behind closed doors, you're going to go, that motherfucker let me down. The people that I dealt with on a daily basis, the people that, you know, I came into their life, that's the people

that matter. There's only six or seven of those people in your life that really fucking matter. people may have one. If you have two or three, God bless you. Think about those three people. Not those fucking jerk locks at the bar you hang with when you go to a Jimmy Buffett concert with your fucking hat on. Those ain't your fucking friends. I'm talking about the people who look at you for something, not

money, something. There's people that you have time vested with. It's not about money. You make their day. You fill a void in their fucking heart. Look at them, and that'll get you off the fucking addiction as I sparked off a fucking number. Give me some music, Lee, something. Let's get these motherfuckers. I'll talk about the Benjamin's. Be, hit it, Lee.

I want you to go to a fucking what's name. I want you to go to the what's the name is part. That is the best part of the whole jam. It's Monday motherfuckers. Get your gun. Get your gun. Wash your dick. Wash your pussy. Get out there. Work from fucking strength. You know what I'm saying? Like I said, why run down there and fuck one of them when you go walk and fuck them all? Hit it Lee. What? What you want to do? Huh. What you want to do? Want to be a Oh, suckily, ooh, wiggle, wiggily. Suck it? I knew it was going to get to that eventually.

I didn't think it'd take two years. Wiggly, wiggily, wiggily. Spaghetti, Fettuccini, and Veil. But still, everything's real in the field. Over real, degenerary, life, Beto Feltford. Did you see that? No, you were too busy, jumping up and down. With their own condominiums.

Ooh. I, E, ooh. What? I get it. Ugh. For the mutts, motherfuckers. You ain't no mutt. Get up!

Hey, put it to Little Kim's part. Move it up to Little Kim's part. Is it like halfway through? Where is it? A little more. Just move it up. Just play with him for George. Keep going.

Keep going. Go on a minute. Keep going. All right. Here's three minutes. They go here. Like a little camera. This bitch did not rap.

Listen to this shit. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, what the blood clobber with the bee, huh? Throw a heck, for the whole family.

Just in all black like the omen. Oh shit, right here, this is the best line. No way. If it matter, Suck a dick. Hit it, brother. What's happening, baby boy? How you doing?

It's my main man, George M.MA junkie. Good morning. Good morning. Thanks for having me. Thank you for fucking calling, Doug. I was just listening to All About the Benjamin's when she mentions Rio Dijonari, and I thought about Vito Belford's fucking kick to the head on Luke Brockville. Tremendous.

Can you believe that? That was amazing. Seriously, I knew Vitor had improved his kickboxing, but, you know, We've always known him as a boxer with fast hands of Brazilian Jiu-Gitza Blackbell who can, you know, turn that on if he needs to it. But he rarely shows it. But his kickboxing has really, really come alive in the last few years. That was fucking tremendous.

Luke Brockold is still over there saluting himself in a fucking mirror that kick was so. Yeah, and Luke Rockold's a tough son-office, man. That's a tough motherfucker, Doug. Yeah, you finish that guy. You definitely have to be proud of yourself. You know, I'm looking at this fight this weekend. And what stuck out the most to me was two things, two components. Vito Belfour, of course, but fucking jockey, Ray Susan.

You know, that's another guy. Yeah, he's a beast. He keeps getting better and better. He's a former sectional like Luke Walcold is. And, you know, he's no joke. He's decorated grappler who really, really improved his wrestling. So now he wasn't like the type of grappler who waits for you to take him down so he can go to work. He takes your ass down.

And then he goes to work. And, of course, it's always beneficial to be in top position rather than on your back. But aside from all that, he's also become a pretty polished striker, too. No, striking is fucking great. I'm telling you, these two have added a fucking tremendous new angle to the... I'm just Succa's 185, right? Suza? He is.

Yeah, one of the five. Susan, Vitor, and LeBrockhold. All legitimate challengers to Anderson Silva. Yeah, this is pretty intense. How you've been doing besides that, brother? Good, but let me just add one last thing, Joey, if you don't mind. The one thing I am concerned about is Souser and Vito, Vito, just kind of still not wanting that Anderson Silverfight.

I don't understand what they're waiting for. That's one thing I can appreciate about Charles Bunner, and now Chris Wyden is they really want this guy. They're confident they can take them out, yet the other guys, I don't know if it's a Brazilian doesn't want to kick their other Brazilian's ass or if Brazilian doesn't want to talk crap on another Brazilian or what it is, but I just wish these guys would be wanting that a little bit more, man. You know, he's the one driving phantoms and Mercedes bands and BMWs or whatever.

He's the one catching million dollars a check. Don't these guys want that? Listen, man, that Anderson Silver, that's a complete different animal also. You know, Chris Kamai, I think a lot of these guys talk about Anderson's sibling, they don't really know. And, I mean, Jacquet-R-Soo's, like the guy said, is one of his training partners where I was trained with him before, and Vito got kicked in the fucking head. So he's not willing to go down that street again, you know.

But in that division, that's what you need to do in the UFC. So I know that they know it's in their future. They just don't want to talk no shit. Would you talk shit about it? I wouldn't call him out. Well, you know you're going to get your ass kicked anyway. You might as well talk shit and generate pay-per-view buys, you know, maybe somewhat convince yourself.

I don't know. I mean, go down in place, right? Yeah, I like the talking shit thing, but I don't. I don't like it because it comes back to buy. in the ass and you're sitting there looking like a fucking mama look at a y a year i'd rather go in there say he's a gentleman in the back of your mind you know what you got to do and you know what the guy's strength and weaknesses are you go in there and fucking attack him i gotta ask you something george i was away from the computer for a couple days

can you break down the whole nick dyes thing if you can or nate dyes what happened i don't know anything about it till last night till i got home yeah okay so u.s.s. 159 pat healy fought jenniller they had a great fight and they were both awarded the fight of the night. Pat Healy defeated Jim Miller. He also submitted him, and he got a $65,000 bonus for that, and he got his half of the fight of the night,

another $65,000. So $130,000 altogether. Now, what the U.S.C.'s done is now they withhold the bonuses until the tests come in. And, you know, for steroids, for marijuana, and it takes, you know, a few weeks. And we found out last week that Pat, Healy pissed hot for marijuana metabolite.

So he doesn't get his $130,000. They gave, they let Jim Miller keep his 65 because they're not going to penalize him. He was part of the night. But Brian Carraway got, you know, Misha Tate's boyfriend, he got the $65,000 for the submission because he was the next most impressive submission of the night. He got to his 65K. Now, I believe Pat Healy and Nate Diaz are kind of tight, but what happened was, sorry, I let this part out.

Brian Carraway gets a 65 grand. Our reporter, The Magnificent Morocco, catches up with Brian Carraway, gets from comment. And Carraway goes off a little bit on, you know, the mistake that Pat made, but just marijuana users in general. And that seemed to piss off Mae Diaz,

who then went to Twitter and called him a bag and, you know, said, I think he said he didn't agree with the decision of taking Pat Healy's money, and then he said something along the lines, you know, and they went to the world's biggest fag. And, of course, the UFC has definitely frowned upon its athletes, you know,

using that word and they have that code of conduct now. I think they're all familiar with it. And, you know, basically what he should have said was, you know, they couldn't have gone to the world's biggest bitch, deuce, asshole, whatever. He just picked the wrong word. And he's suspended now? He suspended. Well, yeah, yeah, 90 days, or 90 days he suspended.

which really is no big deal because you have the kind of time he took off anyway for a fight, but he got hit with a $20,000 fine, too. It's a lot of refa. It's a lot of fucking refa. God damn, Nate. How about the joint that cost Pad Healy $130,000? That's even more expensive. And I'm going to tell you some, that Pat Healy is a fucking great kid.

He went to Jersey, and that's what it was. As I'm watching the Pat Healy, Jim Miller fight, I'm thinking to myself, this motherfucker didn't get the memo. He was too stone to read it. You know what I'm saying? He didn't get the memo. He wasn't supposed to go to New Jersey and beat up on Jim Miller. And now it comes out that he just didn't fucking read it.

He said, fuck it. So what are you going to do, brother? I'm happy you called in. What happened? He said he quit about 30 minutes, excuse me, 30 days in advance. He didn't, you know, he thought it'd be out by then. But, yeah, I think what it boils down to now, Joe, is, you know, people used to say eight days, two weeks, three weeks.

Now I'm here in a month. And who knows, maybe they're not being genuine with us. But I think basically once you sign the dotted line, you know, and you do your eight-week camp, just stay off it all together. Hey, listen, man, when you, you know, when you find peace in this shit, it's tough to fuck. And that's easier said than done, you know, and I feel bad for Pat Healy. You fought a great fucking fight. But obviously, you have to respect something. You're absolutely right.

So, you know, whatever. I'm not mad at him. What are you going to do? You know, he got busted. It's amazing how good the test have gotten. It used to be 30 days 32 days You know, and that's for a fat fuck

For a guy that's sweating every day It should just be three or four weeks But these tests go fucking deep now They go deep, I guess You can't beat them with water You can't beat them with nothing You know, so whatever You know, Dana White gave an interview

To somebody a while back And he said that that was the biggest concern Did he not say it wasn't TRTs or steroids? He said that he felt a lot of people Wasn't getting high I know I'd have to if I was getting punched in the fucking head and getting my arm twisted, you know.

I don't drink. Yeah, well, TRT is pretty big for him. You know, he definitely wants to curb that or not abolish it altogether. And as far as marijuana, Mark Ratner, you know, one of the UFC VPs for regular toys, you know, affairs or whatever, he was also been a petition to the commissioners that, you know, they should probably ban, you know, get rid of that testing, too, for marijuana. So I know the U.S.C. definitely wants to take a softish. And you know, the problem, Joey, I guess, is I've never really messed around too much with Mary Jane.

And so I really don't know what it's like. So maybe it's easy for me to say, hey, eight weeks out, stop it. Maybe you can tell me, because I know you're aficionado of it. You know, how long could you go without it if you knew that it depended on 65,000, $130,000, and your wins and losses, you know, in the UFC? Between you and I, at 50, I could. do it. At 50, I could figure something out. At

23, I couldn't do it. I had no self-control. I wouldn't, you know, I would go like to the, I would probably, I know me then. At that age, I would probably go to the third day before the fight, and that Friday I'd get high. That's how dumb I fucking was.

So I can't really judge one of those guys. You know, when you're young, you think you got the world by the balls, and you do, but you have the world by the balls in a different situation. Not that you can fucking smoke dope and pass the test. Listen, man, when I was going through my shit and when I was 27, and I'm not ashamed to say this, they would piss test me Monday.

When I was in the federal probation shit, George, they would piss me Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. You had to call up, and if your color came up, you had to go down there and piss within two hours, okay? So I know for a fact, George, that every Friday night, I started snorting coke early because I figured that if I stopped early, that would give me the 72 hours to beat it on. Monday. George, I never beat the test.

Knowing knowing, George, that they were going to piss me. And I put fucking a pool cleaner in my dick. I put Drano in my dick. I did everything to beat that fucking piss test. I drank. I used to drink a bottle of vinegar. White

distilled vinegar with cranberry juice. Two hours before the test and still fucking pissed hot. Nothing works. A bottle of distilled. How bad I'm an addict are you at 27 at this time I was 29 I was out of the joint you know and I was out of the joint I had just gotten out George and who the fuck is gonna tell I know you had to do is stop

like listen bro all you had to do in those days was go to the judge write a petition and go I'm going out of town so Wednesday and they let you and you could not even leave town you could just get high in your house and not call back until Wednesday and I still got high George so who the fuck knows when you're a young man what is No, coming out of your dick, feel like. I still got scars, psychologically and physically on my helmet. I can't even, you know, sometimes when I pee, if I pee next to, like, open plum and my dick fucking climbs in my nut sack.

God damn. Yeah, that was, that's crazy. It's fucking crazy. So I know what, you know, somebody like Nick Diaz was going through when you're sitting there, when you're a fighter or anything, you're thinking to create moves. And you know, when you get high, it's a lot of easy. easy to work out it's a lot easier to go down there and throw some kicks and roll so who am I to judge somebody you know George yeah I got you you're looking

forward to 160 this weekend yes the fuck I am but I am looking forward to this I am looking forward to seeing all MMA junkie I felt really bad George because I'm shooting that thing Thursday and Friday I'm shooting late Friday so I'm the type of guy if I miss the way in I say fuck the fight I stay home but because a bunch of your people coming I'm gonna fly in Saturday morning and I'm gonna meet up with you motherfucker somewhere. I don't have a comedy show, but at least let me show up and I'll have some shirts or something and we'll fuck around at your bar. Maybe Lisa I had to fly out and lose 800 and play poker this week. What do you think

Lisa? I have to fly into you. Go to MMA junkie fucking thing, Lee. Yeah. Go ahead and sit with George. We'd love to have you guys. And tell you, if you're free on Saturday, or excuse me, Friday afternoon, big deal, man. You missed the way in with Fridays and yet another day to come out and hang out. A lot of things going on. So, you know, get your eyes down on Friday. What is the MMA junkie fucking thing schedule? Give me the whole schedule for the weekend.

Break it down from Friday to Sunday. What's going on with you guys? Well, check this out. We're going to start on Tuesday. On Tuesday, there's going to be at least two dozen people in by Tuesday night. People are going to start coming in tonight. People have already come in since last Friday from New Zealand. But anyway, you know, a big group comes in Tuesday night.

We're going to go see comedian Adam Hunter, the MMA roasted guy. He's also going to be in our studio on Wednesday, and then on Wednesday, we're going to go do an M.M.A. Trivia night. We have our Stadcat, that's part of the show, who provides a lot of stats to the show. He's written up a bunch of questions, so a lot of junkies and fighters are going to go to a bar at M. Mullins Bar in Vegas, and we're going to do an M.M.A. Trivia night. And then on Thursday, we're doing bowling at the Red Rock Hotel, one of the Stations Hotel, owned by the Partitas, and that's going to be really, really cool. Again, a lot of fighters are coming out for that.

And then we're also going to watch a pro practice on Thursday at the syndicate gym here in Las Vegas. So it'll give the junkies a feel of what these guys go through when they get in there for two hours and beat each other up as they prepare to fight. Friday, we got the way of us. We got the Wayans. We got Texas Day Brazil after that 15-100 show. By then, there'll be about 75 to 100 of us by Friday. That's when most people start rolling in. Then we all go over to the Wayans. and, you know, watch that.

And then we're going to a hip-hop concert with L.L. Cool Jay and Snoop Dog and a bunch of others. Andrew Dice Clay. Some people are going to peel off to that. And any time that we're not doing an activity, we're going to sit right in front of the M. M.M.A. Junkie Radio booth inside the Manila Bay Hotel and just drink and hang out, kind of get to know each other. People are bringing, you know, swag. We're going to have some swag to give out. So, you know, I definitely invite you to cruise by if you're an NBA fan and you're going to be in town. Thursday, excuse me,

Saturday, we're going to watch the fights in Lagasi Stadium. Rather than go to the fights and kind of be split up,

we decided to all be together. And Lagosie Stadium with the Venetian has a stadium size theater where you can all watch it and wager on the fight. So we're definitely

looking forward to your predictions, Joey, on Friday, so we can know what the parley, what the bed on, you know,

what fighters are the back, that's going to be a blast. And then, of course, the closing ceremonies at the foundation room at Mandeley Bay that night. By then,

you know, everyone's kind of fucked up. Fucked up. I'll be there with edibles, banana bread, the whole fucking thing. I'll be there. I'll be there. I can't get there Friday. If I could, I'll be there. But Saturday, I'm going to show up at the fucking Vicaroo Stadium, wherever the fuck it is, the Virginia. I'm going to watch. I can at least watch the prelims with you guys, and then I'll catch you guys after that. We'll fuck around and do whatever we need to do. Because, you know, George, the reason I really wanted you to call in today was because I know how much you love these people that you work with. You really love. what you do, George. You love MMA. You love the fans. I've seen you sit out there and drink with them and carry on and have a great time. And I love that you do. You've inspired me to love what I do, you know, a little more. So thank you, man. Well, thank you. Yeah. Thanks for saying that. And of course, they love you, you know, they love you guys. They're definitely looking forward

to seeing you, Joe. And you're right. It's not a job when you love what you do. And we really love what we do. We love the sport. So even though my job is to watch fights, I have no problem. that I have no problem watching Facebook, FX, Fuel, Spike TV, you name it, UFC tonight. Any show that has MMA in it, I'm watching. And, you know, these athletes are just phenomenal people. They really are. It's a great diversity, resilient, Japanese, Australians. Cubans.

You know, Cubans, you name it, Mexicans. Everybody can fight, and there's some good ones everywhere. And they all come together. They all have different types of personalities. They all have different types of skills. and, you know, they're just great people, man. And I feel very lucky to be able to cover this and do this for a living. You know, you said something in the beginning of the podcast of the call

that I've learned a lot from MMA. The thing that's really helped me the last three years as a comedian is that every day I try to work on something, a different arsenal. You know, what we saw Saturday night with Vito Belfo with that kick was a guy that's been around for a while. while and he knows that he has to change it up a little bit. He knows that his time is more valuable. So when he gets in there now, he has to hit a little fucking harder. You know, for Luke to take that fucking kick, that was a phenomenal kick. I watched that kick 80 fucking times. I watched

it again last night. I stayed up last night and watched it and taped it again last night. Tape it fucking again. And then taped above all angles, whatever, with Anderson Silver. But it was amazing to kick. It was textbook. And in life, you have to keep improving. free fucking day. And that's what I'm learning from these guys. And look at the guys that don't. Look at the guys that come in there with the same game plan all the time. They disappear from the UFC, George.

Yeah. Luke Roccoe said it himself. He said he was starting to get Vitor's timing down with his hands. You know, Vitor's a great boxer. But Luke Rockold is a very intelligent fighter, and I think he was starting to get a good beat on his footwork, his hands, his timing, he was getting comfortable. He was starting to throw a little bit more,

and bam, all of a sudden. this kick hits them. So, you know, that's the beauty of mixed martial arts. You don't just, you don't, you can't just get the timing of someone's hands. You have to get the timing of anything else they might throw your way, including a take down, a take down attempt, a kick, a knee, a flying knee, a Superman punch, you know, and, and there's really a lot to look out for. Your poor Luke Welco, he got caught by an excellent strike, really, and I don't know too many people that would have survived that. Listen, he learned, you know what he learned that, Vito? He learned that from when he fought

Anderson. to expect he didn't expect the unexpected. You know, if you go into these fights and you're known as a wrestling, you're going with that same one-leg take down, you know what? Fucking good luck. Good fucking luck. The wrestler that goes in there and throws a spinning fucking flying kick one time. And, you know, that's the guys that keep evolving.

And that's what I say. Like, you know, I know that you work out. I started working out. Lees work. And this all came from MMA. Once I would go to those events, I felt embarrassed walking around a heavy sack of shit. Even if I was happy and I was working out, I feel a little bit more confident. And that's why I go to the events now, and I feel fucking a lot better about myself.

And who the fuck knows? Maybe I'll go have a V8. What else, George? It's very inspiring as well, you know. And I really, really love mixed martial arts. And even all the little components. So when I watch Showtime boxing, I get to watch just boxing. When I get to watch a dual wrestling meet, I concentrate just on wrestling.

Brazilian jiu-jitsu, there's a lot of tournaments and down. I'll try and go and catch one of those. And it's just great to see that there are athletes that can do it all and flow through it. You know, and that's just amazing to me. I grew up with just wrestling, just boxing, but to see these guys that can do it all, I never thought it did. I just grew up with fucking Newchucks, you know what I'm saying? And that's it. Eventually, you've got to get the stars and you got to get a fucking BB gun.

You got to switch it up. Well, fucking, how's your family, George? How's my little brother doing with his fucking what-if question? Is that God sucker? is very right he's looking forward to seeing you I'm looking forward to see you I gave it a shot once

but I hit myself on the nuts too many times so I put those things down quickly I don't know how some guys can get going on that oh that means you have to sacrifice a few nuts shots

no it's not the nut shot it's the elbow I tell you what's the worst it's the elbow and the back of your head when you really get into practice and you don't even do that it's the elbow

and it's that new chuck when you go underneath when that little tip hits your fucking elbow you feel it in your ankle. Like your whole body just goes and then the back of your cranium when you go to spin around sometimes

and Nuchuk comes up and hits you in the back of it. I remember I got hit. I used to put copper fucking tips on the ends dog. We don't fuck around in Jersey. Copper fucking tips. You know when you hit yourself with a copper? You know like plumbing? They put the copper to stop and we put copper on the bottom of a broom handle. Are you kidding me or what? That's old fucking school. That's like putting rocks in the wiffleball bat.

If I hit you, you're going down like Reggie Jackson in game 8. I love you, cocksucker. I will see you. What's up? Before you go, George, that sounded cool. Is there a website or something? I did to get tickets for this event or what's going?

Just show the fuck up to the Mandalay Bay outside the booth and start drinking. Sit there. Somebody will show up. Yeah, exactly. Sit there. Somebody will show up. I've seen it before. That's the direct site.

The direct link to our radio show. And, of course, our website, M. and you can see our guest list, who's going to be there. But yeah, like Joey said, just show the fuck up to Mandalay Bay. You know, we're covering a lot of the expenses for some of these things. The fighters are coming out on their own dime. But, you know, of course, some drinking will be on you. But just come out of it.

It's going to be a great time. It's like an adult fantasy camp. You know, when you were growing up and you heard about adults going to, you know, like the Florida to play baseball with the legends, same thing like that. Except, you know, we're not exactly going to, you know, doing any M&A, but we're going to hang out and we're going to talk twice. It's going to be a block. I'm looking forward to seeing you guys

And I want to thank you guys For having me, man It's been a lot of... Oh, I missed you, George, and I was thinking about the event And I was thinking... Last week, I was probably getting

three to four emails And Facebook questions that they are Well, I see you at MMA junkie And I just wanted to address it So I thought about calling you Friday morning, But I knew you were busy So I'm happy you called up, man

You were fucking great I love you, George Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Love you too, Joey And I really hope you guys You have to be nice to see you. I'll see you Saturday for sure.

I love you, man. All right, take care, thank you, brother. Have a good week. Oh, shit. I hope your motherfuckers heard that. If you didn't get your tickets,

you don't even have to go to the fights. Just fucking get up a shitty hotel for how much they cost on the side. Yeah, well, on the weekends it's different, but there's like the fucking queue or the Imperial Palace. It's 30 bucks. Come on guys.

That's fucking, I like that he's doing it for free. Take a fucking bus on Tuesday. You get there by Thursday. You smoke some dope. We eat some medables. We'll shoot some fucking H. Don't play blackjack.

Don't play blackjack. Don't play blackjack. you done, that's it, you just quit on me. No, no, no. You're just retooling and work on the thing. I'll keep going, but I just... Don't quit on me. You're there, but you just...

I played the lottery, even though $600 million. And what happened? You said you're going to fly over my house and throw a bag of shit. It looks like you'll be walking over there, Cox's like that. He called me up, talking about his personal plane and shit, thinking he was fucking Elvis and he... Jesus Christ. That's funny. I looked that it's free. That's really nice.

The who? I looked at it's free. I thought you'd have to buy it. No, no, no. These guys are straight up. Like I said before, and I say it again, it's 2013. If you don't have no customer service in your fucking life, something happened to me the other night that really pissed me to fuck off. What happened? Okay, and let's break it down. And I'll tell you, after you, people hear this conversation,

not you, a lot of fucking people are going to be pissed off of me, but let me break something down to you, okay? Playing the fucking simple. You know, I grew up in the 70s and the 80s, and just like you guys, I was fans of people. I was fans of Richard Pry. I went to see him after he got burned. I went to see Sinatra.

You know, I went to see a lot. of people and I know what to expect from people I know what not to expect from people you know I shook Richard Gier's hand at a club one last studio 54 I just had to meet him but I wouldn't torment them or anything like that yeah okay there's a thing called the fan when I was a child when I was a kid out a Julius Irving post on my wall I loved it he had a net shirt on his leg was picked up and if I saw Julia serving I would bow you know in fact when Converse when he signed with the Sixers and Converse signed them they would have festivals

And if you bought sneakers, you would get two tickets to these fucking Julius Irving things on Saturday mornings. Oh, cool. And you went with your basketball and he showed you how to shoot and how to fucking, it was just brilliant. For Congress paid for this shit. Wow. I was part of this deal. But I was a fan. And did I have a way of connecting with him?

No, no. There was no websites then. You wrote letters. You wrote letters. You found out what the Dr. J fan club was. you know I was a letter writer I used to write to Duke University to the coach Bill whatever I would write to Dean Smith and I would have them send me training programs every college has that kids don't know this you write if you're a

wrestler and you send a letter to fucking Iowa State and go I want to wrestle for you do you have a training program they've already got to print it up yeah they have that and you send it out to these kids and and you lose your mind as a kid it makes you a big a fan of Kentucky you know I was a fan of coaches Iona and fucking the guy from fucking Kansas I loved as a kid. You know, I was a fucking idiot. You know, I'm a fucking idiot. It's well known but I'm half retarded.

You know, we all are. But I didn't have a way of content of these people. Let's fast forward. This is 2013. Somebody came up to me when I was at the... Palm? No, the other place, the Arnie Langtoning thing, when I was outside. He said, dog, you know what, man, I got to tell you something.

I'm not fucking cool with your comedy. You talk some fucking craziness. But he goes, I respect you because you're man, I emailed you one time and you sent me an email back about a random subject about sleep ap me or something about vitamins. He goes, you know how many people I fucking email

and never got a thing back? And then he goes he goes, I followed you on Facebook and then I found out you were funny as fuck and you go crazy or on Twitter. And he goes, I remember you had a ball sack. I mean, he's been there that long. The guy knew. He goes, you know, and he goes, one time I hit you on Twitter about an off-collar joke and you told me

to go, fuck myself and just as butter, I was going to call you a fat fucking spick I thought about what you had just done You had just communicated with me Didn't matter what you said And he goes I don't know if you remember He goes I don't expect you if I wrote back

I loved you you fat fuck And you put much love back And that's it He goes I'd never tweeted you again But you tweeted me And this is how I feel right now man If somebody's got a Twitter page You know I hate the fucking word celebrity

I fucking hate it When people come up to me Call me Mr. Diaz I fucking hate that shit Yeah Just call me Joey or let's smoke a joint Don't tell me to roll it Have it prepared

Don't show up and show me the butt like your fucking Johnny Hight times. Have it prepared so we could smoke on the move. You follow me? But even Joe Rogan hits people back. The people I associate with, I watch their Twitter. Stephen Bauer, Emilio, they talk to people when they can't. You know, if somebody doesn't twitch you back, what's the purpose of having that shit? You know, that's what people pay for now is the full experience, is to have you, whatever.

I can't come to your house to fucking dinner every night. But this is, and this is how I think about it, right? Sometimes, like, I just ran an article about celebrity who doesn't take pictures, like a comedian doesn't take pictures. Did that bother me? No, I understand. It doesn't bother me, but I understand how there's some people you can't touch. Yeah.

They're germaphobe. What's the guy, the host of America's Got Talent, like, Howie Mandel doesn't do it, right? Right, no, a lot of people you can't touch. They have these Hollywood-type things, and anywhere else you get smacked in the fucking mouth. Yeah. Like, how about I smack you in the fucking mouth? Shake my head, motherfucker. But because you are, I'm a German phil.

How about I smack you in the fucking mouth? You're paying $20 million fucking dollars, whether you're a celebrity, a baseball player, a movie store, whatever the fuck they call them. You follow me? Everybody has the phobia just to let you know they're a little... Oh no, I don't do that. I drink a vegan fucking milk.

Whatever the fuck they drink, just to make you feel like a fucking Momo, which they do. The point of it being, you know what, man, if you buy a band's music or a comedian's fucking stupid fucking CDs or my testicle testes, What are the fuck you buying t-shirt from anybody, your shoes or sneakers? If you email that person, even if it takes a month, I hope they get back to you.

Because we're not fans anymore. When people come up to me and go, you're a fan that fucking destroys me. We're part of a network now. This is how easy it is. We tweet each other. I tweet you the music that's on my mind. It was just so weird how that person put it to me. That had bothered me for like two days.

Wait, what bothered you about it? Sounds like a school. That years ago, I didn't have a way. way to contact Julia Serving. But today, if I hit Julia Serving on Twitter or something, listen, I understand that you don't want to take a picture of me. You can't come home to my house to eat.

But this is you. In the privacy of your own house, you open your door, you lock it, takes you two minutes to write somebody back. Thank you for being a follower or whatever. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Everybody should get that. So you weren't mad about what he said. You were mad that other people don't do it.

Do not do it. Like, even take the time. Even if it takes a month. You got a million. You don't fucking And Joe Rogan gets a million emails a fucking month. He's told me that he wants to do a podcast where he just answers back to emails because he feels so fucking bad. You can't answer everything. I sit there because I'm a Momo for two hours.

Yesterday we had another 90 fucking emails. And I sit there while you're fucking hanging out with the chick trying to rub her leg, telling you, I love you. I'm telling you nothing anymore. I'm proud of you. No, I'm proud of you. Listen, I bust your balls.

I've got to toughen you up a little bit. That's it. See, if you've got a nookie cookie before you would have to tell her you loved it. You would have just look at it and she would have known. I didn't say I loved her. Yes, you did. No, I did. What would you say? What were the exact words? I'm not giving the exact words. I think I said to my guy.

You said, I have something heavy on my heart. Oh, fuck you. Did you say that like, chubby and whatever. Put on Love to Love You Baby by Donna Summer. I'm not putting it on. Love to love you, baby. By Donna Sondon, that's rock the side. It's Monday. What the fuck? It's Monday. We already got Tony Bennett. We gave him fucking Biggie.

We gave them everything. People are texting. They're calling. Who the fuck of these people? People calling me. Fucking 6 in the morning. Because you said you don't like being... These people got no respect. Oh shit. This is Lydia Day.

Oh, shut the fuck up. Oh, shit. That's why I didn't want to put it on. Next time she comes over here, you put this song on. You put a fucking thong on. You just put this on from here. She'll be looking around the room. Just go into that fucking...

Oh, here we go, Lee. Just come out with your little thong on, with your little head with your little beard. What? Do do do, do, do, do. All right, hold on, baby. Oh shit. Oh, shitly. This is brilliantly.

Listen to this. Listen to this bass. She's cute. Are you kidding, man? This is the song you're going to take the fight to the face. They're right here. Oh, shit. Wash your pussy, ladies. Watch that helmet.

It's the day that they bring those condoms. It's boom, boom day. It's chocolate day. Oh, Shilly. You really should watch this, guys, if you're listening to audio. Joey is quite a dancer. This is happening today, baby. Church.

I'm putting you motherfuckers out there with superpowers today. You're stoned. You got an alpha brand in you. Some cafe cabano. Your assholes. What's up, dog? What do you got to tell me? You have to tell me something to hit it.

What? Oh, okay. Yeah. Jesus Christ. All right. So, uh, we're brought to you again by Ting. Visit church.tting.com for a $25 service credit or device discount. Uh, so in case you don't know.

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That's not bad. So eventually if you want Mercy to have one when she goes to school but you don't want, you don't need to have if you have kids and they don't need all the games, their cheapest phone is $43. $43. You give your kids a few minutes a month. It's really fucking cool. and there's a no-hold customer support.

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and a powerful, helpful ticketing system, video tutorials and a startup guide, and that's what I do. People will sometimes email me and be like, what do you have for audio stuff and what do you have for this? Anytime I have a question on how to use something, you go to YouTube. People have made a video about it.

So they're helping out with all these video stuff, and it's really cool. They give you credits on unused service. If you use less than you thought you would, Ting drops you down to the level you hit. and credit the difference in your next bill. It's really fucking cool. I wish I was smart enough to have them before,

but trust me, I'm getting them now. Yeah, they have a lot of fucking cool phones, and I don't know, man, I'm just awesome. I'm lucky we got 10, because you're passionate about it. You were telling me about it on the phone. You were happy. So, hey, listen, as long as you're happy, I'm fucking happy. Thanks, buddy.

No, yeah, I love electronic stuff. I know you did. Why don't you put an electronic camera? Look I had her little monkey when she was on a couch. You can sit back here and whack off on your tities and do whatever it is that you do, Lee. You know, I love you. You got together. You got it together.

So what year did you get out of jail? Huh? What year did you get out of jail? 89. So you've made it 24 years almost out of jail, 25 years, and you're going to go back because you're fucking jizzing on it. Like, you can't have a camera and watching a girl. That's the creepiest fucking thing. What are you talking about?

I'm just teasing you, Lee. No, you're not. I'm just teasing. You can't put a camera. If you were a kid... It's like you go to 7-Eleven and put a camera in the fucking bathroom taking pictures and put a hit in those pussies.

Or you go to Starbucks. This is your house. You put a camera in the living room. She's out there playing with a monkey 4 in the morning. You're attacking? You don't think she played with a little monkey out there when you were in the bedroom,

fucking taking the cheeseburgers? If you were a kid in 2013 and Lucy Snor-Busch was up there, you would have had like a camera on a helicopter and you would have got sent to jail. What are you got to talk about Lucy? Why are you going to bring up thorns in my side? What have I got to bring up?

bringing up. We moved down from there. I went to therapy on that. I'm trying to move on. Move on. You told me. Put a love to love you, baby. Every fucking day.

Fucking, oh, you love cheeseburgers, and you love that girl, and you can't have none of them. Ha, ha. You already tapped that on the juice. No, I didn't. Stop. Stop.

I heard you ate fucking Saturday night when she was here. I didn't eat. You drank cocktails. You ate snacks at the bar. I didn't. I heard you eating. Peanut. and salbaix and then you got up

when I called you, you eat the eggs and baked it. What bars do you go to now that have fucking peanuts? It's like the bar and sopranos. They don't have those anymore. What do they have? They had something you were snucking up? And where'd you go after you drank that night? No, we went home. Did you go back here?

Yeah. You did? Yeah. She slept over? Yeah. And she went and you went in the bedroom like that fucking... I had three other people here, yeah. What three other people?

My two other friends. What two other friends? They came... Well, Jesus Christ. So, wait, whoa, whoa. You took her out, professed your love to her, and you had two other fucking... No, I did that here alone. Right.

And then we went out later. Fucking Jesus Christ. And who were the two other friends? The Chinese girl? Yeah. And who else? And her brother. Oh.

Fucking relax. You're fucking piece of shit. This guy... And I don't pay... It's not like I'm paying for shit. Stop. I know you're paying. I'm not.

This guy is a glutton for fucking punishment. This chick is finally going to make you marry. then she's going to beat you to death. You won't be allowed to do the podcast. You'll be hanging out with her fucking retortle brother. You've got the Chinese chick teaching you a kung fu. Yeah, I can use the kung fu. You brought everybody back here and you brought, what?

Why? Listen, that's it. I'm going to move in here and fucking, I'm going to move in here on the weekends and fucking supervise you. So you brought those four fucking momos over here. Is the brother banging the Chinese chick? No. You guys are just friends, too? Yes.

It's not fucking 1960. anymore and you're walking around like hey smacking him in the face and then smacking their ass you can be friends now I'll just put on the phone and go down the Santa Monica because I'm not fucking gay I didn't say you're gay but maybe you want to take a walk around the corner and see what I don't want to take a walk around

the corner of the car maybe there's a chick with probably sitting on there with eggs throwing at him maybe there's a chick with a big fucking Adam's apple that wants to talk to you never know you can't you really think it's like friends or Jennifer Aniston and the other fucking dude you hang out and everything's

fucking dunky dory what is wrong What am I going to do with you? You just had some of your best friends or girls. So yes. I understand, but they don't come to my house with two other fucking momos. Because you don't let anyone at your house. You take the chick and the fucking brother with you. Yeah.

We're friends. Oh, Jesus Christ. Fucking Christ. It's because you won't let people at your house. You're sitting there hold up with all those cats just fucking staring at the door. I love people coming over to the house. But in my day, I wouldn't bring the chick over with her fucking brother and some friend. I lure them away.

That's what I said to you can't lure her away. Why do you get involved in the forest? some four. You can't have rocked I had a fucking great weekend. What? Fun what? I had fun what. How old are we now? I'm 24.

Stop it. What fun did you fucking have? I had fun. You hate everything that's anything I think is fun. No, no, no. Fun is her coming back and you rubbing her toes and, you know, making her a milkshake by yourself.

And even if nothing happens, at least you hear, you cuddle with it. What are my supposed to say? Hey, my buddies want to come. No. Your spoon with her before. So you brought three fucking morpts to your house to sleep here.

And then you all went for fucking breakfast. It's like a fucking... Yeah. What am I going to do with you, Doug? What is this? What is this? Do you think Charles Bronson would have brought fucking three fucking momos home?

Do you think James Coburn, armed man, fucking Flint? In like Flint, would have brought home two fucking momos? You think Sinatra would have brought home fucking two momos?

Yes. No, you wouldn't have. You think Bradley Cooper would have brought her fucking girlfriend and her brother and the other fucking moron? No.

Think about what I'm telling you, man. And I don't look at Bradley Cooper. It don't matter. You got a dick and you got balls and you got heart. That's all you need. That's all you need. That's what, you know, that's all

you need when you're not a woman. You got to go up to these knockouts and listen the problem. You know why there's so many hot single fucking chicks? Why? Because nobody is scared. Everybody's scared to go up to them and say, hey, I think you're beautiful. I want to suck your fucking pussy to the midgets come out. I'll try that this weekend. You try that. You do that with five fucking hot chicks. One of them will give you that fucking number. Because I think you're cute and funny. And you're honest. And you're going to have four stakes ready for all the black eyes I

have for the four other girls you never got hit before what's a smack to the fucking eye at least you broke him I shocked myself at least you fucking broke him and you at least had the balls to say something to him that's why single girls are hot because nobody goes up to them and has the balls there's too many guys like me and you that don't have the balls

to go up to a woman and go I finally had the balls later on but by that time who gave the fuck I was too ugly and I was on the blow anyway fucking who gives a shit that's it let's end this fucking show on the high note because Lee got to me down down since they

cancel fucking the Greenhorn in 1967. You know what's weird though I'm saying about I like I'm trying to fashion my life after drunk me I love I'm so fucking I'm not nervous when I'm drunk like I talk to people I have fucking fun like I wish I wish like it like

I don't want to be an alcoholic but like I'm like I wish I could be more like drunk me like I'm a fun drunk like I goof around I talk to people I'm not nervous at all and I just So next every time you drink from now You have a goal to go up to the prettiest girl in the bar that's alone and go up to and say, you look beautiful tonight.

What would it take for me to take you out of a date and suck your fucking asshole? Just like that. That's the exact wording. Even if you have to read it off a piece of paper thinking you're like an immigrant, that's even better. Tell me you, Lee, Lysayat, the director from Israel, and read the fucking thing until to see where you get. Lee, I guarantee you're going to have the hottest chicken. And all those guys, you ever see a fucking dismal-looking guy like myself with a hot chick. You see it all the time.

You want to strap this. That guy had balls. that day. Because right now he's eating that fucking twat like he owns it. You follow me? Did you see that? Craigslistad people sent us about the fucking guy who wants to get farted in the face? I told you. It's the most fucking disgusting thing.

And he's a guy that wants to get a fart to the fuck. Let me, let me just read it to you. It's fucking the most it's a fucking grossest thing. Let's see here. Hold on. Here it is. All right. I'm going to read this to you. It says, hi, I'm looking for a very open, hi, I'm looking for a very open-minded.

very kinky girl to fart while I lick her ass. I'm into all body styles, all shapes and sizes, as long as you're nasty. We'd love to eat some nasty, sweaty booty. Maybe there's some dirty girls out there who haven't showered yet. Any kinky girls down to have their asses eaten by submissive man? I host Central Fresno near Tower. That's the most disc...

I want to... Reply back to them. Reply back to them. We're going to do a pay-per-view event. I want to very... We're going to have a contact. to see how many farts you and him can take to the face. I want a very kinky girl to

fart while I lick her ass. This guy knows. He's been to the other side. That guy will never die. He'll be 150 years old with a cavity. He'll be fucking alive while a bunch of people don't eat ass and they're walking around. And he's meaning Craigslist people to fucking do that. When you get down to Craigslist people

you have a problem. I've dated people of Craigslist. It's fucking weird. Did you? Yeah, all night and dating. I fucking, it's weird. And what shows up? some of the people were nice I actually dated two of them but like

I was telling to people I had a girl who like like right after you gave me bronchitis from smoking the hash I had a girl bite my nipple and like break the skin fucking the craziest girl and then it's like either girls That's it you just broke your nipple You don't make a suck of your balls

No we had sex but like during that And then she like peed while I was in the room Which fucking freaked me out In the bathroom Like we went to have sex in the shower She's like, I go, get I go pee, like, right there. It's like, it's like... See, that's the problem.

I'm telling you, I think you should put it on my pants and go to the Santa Monica. You want to have a girl... The first date, you're going to go do that? Yeah, I'd rather have pee on me. You fucked up. I would have told her coming for the shower and pee on me like a soldier. Anyone want to take my... Was she good looking?

No, I don't know. Anyone want to take my job? It's fucking coming in soup and having a good old pee on him. It's my nightmare. It's Monday, Cucksuckers. I hope you enjoy it. I hope you had a great time. Thank you for all the support in Long Island in Arizona and fucking Austin and New Brunswick and fucking Miami.

I love you, Cocksuckers. And thank you to honor. Coming up next is Salt Lake motherfucking city, Lexington, Kentucky, and San Jose, where Lee Syatt will be with me those three days in the back. Signing autographs. I'm not selling T-shirts. We're not going to get Chinese food. I can tell you that much. We're not?

No. Why not? You come in the soup? No, there's no fun. Not with a guy, with a chick that you have a love. You never did, bro. Years ago, I was in love with this girl, and I go to a house. I go in a half and take her panties out, whack him, put him back in there.

Hopefully she'd get him pregnant through osmosis and she's falling in love with me. She never got pregnant, so I moved on. What do you want me to fucking do? You use osmosis for every scientific thing. Everything's through osmosis. I don't even know what osmosis is. That's a funny thing. Listen, don't forget about Ting, but also.

My people are on it, Aubrey. I got an email the other day. They pushed 180 back for a few months. They're going to add some stuff. But do not forget. Listen, Alpha Brain, that's what I'm on today. Fucking, I'm back on the Alphbrain because I'm home for three weeks.

I can train and drink water and the whole fucking thing. Don't forget about the hemp horse, whether you're drinking the protein powder or the motherfucking chocolate bars. What do you got here? You got 10 grams of protein and 3, 6, 7 fucking grams of fiber. You do this, coffee, oatmeal.

You'll be shitting blood within fucking 22 fucking minutes while you're driving on the, 5 North or whatever it goes. Don't forget, go to honor.com. Put your order in. I can't get you nothing on the kettlebells and the ropes, but any minerals, vitamins. I'll hook you up.

I just got honored to sponsor my man, Adrian and Colorado or boxer Adrian Mora. I hope you got your fucking vitamins and you're jumping up and down shadow boxing like a motherfucker. How about some love to love you, baby? What do you got for your uncle, Joey, brother? Got some, uh... Here we go. We got some food fighters for it.

And don't forget, Joey Diaz.com, for all your T-shirts. Support the podcast. a long sleeve shirt. We got hoodies. We got T-shirts and we got more shit coming up.

Have a great fucking week. It's a beautiful Monday to be a live dog. You can do this shit. And when does testicle testaments come out? The 28th of May and 29 we got a live podcast with some special guests.

Lee fucking almost rated it this morning. I don't stand me. I don't know anybody. What are you talking about? I love you guys. Thank you very much for listening. Lee. Throw a kiss out.

Thank you for being a man. Lee. You're a savage. Stay black. Have a good week.