The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 05/27/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #83

Episode Date: May 28, 2013

Nick Turturro, from The Longest Yard, Blue Bloods and many more tv shows and movies calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 05/27/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like community, South Park, S&L, and more. Right now, my listeners can get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Let's get this fucking party started. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Lysayat playing the fucking piano with his toes. I like it. Here you go, motherfucker. It's Monday. Oh! Oh shit. The Flying Jew, Joey Diaz, the church of what's happening now.

Been drinking for four hours. He don't know the fucking velvet hammer is about to land on his fucking head. Hit it Lee. Gonna paint this town bread. A paint this time. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Get up.

Jumping jacks push-ups, sit-ups, get some fucking corn flakes, whatever the fuck you're into today. It's a beautiful day memorial. Shout out to all the motherfuckers that made this possible for us to walk around and smoke pot and walk around and sling dick and do what the fuck we do. Quickly, let's do it. A little fucking national anthem. Get up, you cock-suckers. It's the best goddamn fucking country.

Where's the music league? The best, strongest, baddest, motherfucking country in the goddamn world. in the goddamn world and you're sitting there Memorial Day eating a hot dog fucking eating a hamburger like a Mama Luke get a gun cock sucker

go shoot somebody we'll take them up the 170 and drop them there if you're gonna kill somebody you gotta drop them off on the 170 by Sherman Way you know that right? Oh please I got about three bodies up there

there's a chick that's just sitting there with a hand sticking up right now with leaves growing around it Jesus get up smoke a number kiss your kids kiss your parents be proud to be a fucking American motherfuckers. People come over here by boat, plain, fucking mountains. They come here on sleds. They don't give a fuck. Canadians sneak in. Mexican sneak in. Everybody's

fucking sneaking in. You know why? Because we're that fucking bad to the motherfucking bone. And you're sitting there, I don't know what I'm gonna do. She wants to be my friend. Get up by the fucking head and tell her. You're an American. Suck my dick. Suck it. That's what it means to be a fucking American. You're sucking my dick on a daily basis and you get to control the fucking blowjob who's better than you? You're a fucking

American cocks sucker. I'm telling you, I'm fucking fired up. Where's the goddamn fucking Cheebo Chew's? Look at this for you motherfuckers at home just so no. Just so you know, I ain't fucking around. I ain't no more. I got a quad. Look, I got cat hair in this mouth. I'm allergic to cats.

Shut the fuck out. Where is this? I can't see it. Decor dos. You see that, motherfuckers? I'm going to my man, my son, one of my favorite people in the world. Look at this. I'm going to give him the Kwanthos. Yeah, I'm eating the whole fucking thing. You're eating the whole fucking thing, cock-sucker.

I'm taking the piece you usually give me, and I'm high for ten hours. I'm taking the piece of usually getting me. What are you going on to me? Fucking going to sleep. Yeah, going to sleep. Look at this. The deck of chew. Look at this shit.

And Jesus ain't blessed in this. And I'm going to eat one and a half. Just to prove to you, I'm a fucking savage. 10 o'clock. I got a ton of shit to do today. You're constantly high. You call me at midnight last night, and I can always tell when you're high because you talk like you like you're like,

oh, what's up, man? You're ready for tomorrow. Like you're like really quiet. I don't think you know you're on the phone. Quickly, I have two cousins in the Air Force. Thank you guys. And they both went to like Afghanistan twice. So, thank you guys so much. Here you go.

So how is Vegas? Vegas was tremendous. Here you go. This little piece. How's that? Is that good right there? Look at him. He's crying already.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Look at him. Eat that little piece. I'm gonna eat the big fucking piece Because I'm a savage Where are you going with that I'm going to do it right here

I'm gonna eat it right in front of the camera Cucksucker This guy's a half of fruit And it'll fucking drop it somewhere Look at him Fuck me in the ass I'm putting it right here So I can put the headphones on

I'm watching you cuck sucker And people at home watch them Because he's like Look at this Cheebo chew The THC juice Is leaking out of the fucking thing And you got to chew it Because it goes through your mouth

Into your bloodstream Cucksucker You can't down I'm down. No, you got to chew it. That's the whole point of it. Trust me. That's why that T-HC blood is right up here on top.

What are you shitting about? This is what made me puke that one time. I ate. Because you didn't eat breakfast. No, I ate a lot. But you eat this morning. I had some leftover burgers and hot dogs. How many?

One burger and two hot dogs. Did you put them in the juicer? Fuck you. No, I'm starting that again. I hit 70 pounds on Friday. Seventy pounds? Yeah. How many do you gain over the week?

I'm a hamburger. Only three? You can go check right now. How many fucking hamburgers you eat all? All right. Alright, let's go eat this. You ready? You ready?

Yeah, look. Oh, fucking. Chew it. Chew it. Fuck you. About chewing that shit. Chew it. Go to your mouth.

Like a pubicator. You're going to chew on a pubicare? No, I don't chew on pubic care. Why now? Because it's gross. A chick's pubicare is not gross. Yes, it is. I mean, if you're eating Liberacee's ass, that's fucking...

Like, I'm not... It doesn't have to be completely shaved. That doesn't bother me. But I'm not going to fucking chew on it. So I say A puberty just happens to fall into your molar It just happens to fall Yeah that's fine

What are you gonna do You're gonna throw it away You're gonna pull it out with a toothpick You fucking put it in your glove Like you're chewing tobacco Oh Jesus I don't know how to respond to that That's fucking weird

It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive That's how you respond to that cock sucker How was your weekend It was fucking great You went to La Jolla You played a big shot And well I just want to say If anyone's listening

someone bought me and my friend's drinks and thank you so much I wish you guys had come and say hi or something that really meant a lot it's kind of crazy I was thinking about it's because I'm kind of live in a bubble like I go to work and I see you but I don't really like I'm not going on tour

or anything so it doesn't really affect me that much but everyone's so fucking cool and I it just when you did that it really meant a lot so thank you it's a one of new realm of coolness yeah people understand us I had a great time in Vegas I flew in And, you know, I knew people on the fucking plane.

People said hello. Some guy at the airport yesterday walked up to me with the phone while he was listening to the podcast. Oh, really? Talking about weed or something, his dad, so I appreciate you. I mean, it's made life more enjoyable. We have a home now. Everywhere we go, we have a fucking home. There's always one person who will come over and talk to us and be real cool.

You know, smoke weed with you. The fucking UFC was great. Oh, yeah. The fights were great. I got to see Rick Story. I walked in. I was telling Lee what happened I'm fucking amazing

All right So I used to work in Vegas years ago You know we all did There's comics whatever And you fly in And you see that The worst part about Vegas Is the fucking traffic at the airport

When you go to get a cab And you have to wait Like here you are excited You're plane landed You got an edible in you Your luggage is fucking quick There's a million fucking people And you're walking through these

Loopty loop chains Right They make you walk all the way down And all the way back So you already burnt a thousand fucking calories. You're already hungry. You're waiting for that sandwich at the MGM Grand you like or Wolfgang Pucks or Crab Steak or whatever the fuck restaurant you like in Vegas.

Now you've got this fucking cab line. So I hate it. So I usually get some of a friend to pick me up. Yeah. So my friend picked me up in this fucking truck. The whole thing, we're having a great time. We go eat some Cuban food. I get back.

I'm ready to meet Duncan. He's got my ticket. I get. I'm flying. I'm a fucking edible. Because when do you have it? Because it's like an hour flight. It's probably just hitting you when you get there.

So I took the edible at the weed store. As I was walking, I went to the weed store, God, and went right to the airport. It didn't even make you into your car. By the time I got to, no, I'm the plane. I'm thinking about this plane could get bombed by a terrorist. And I'm going to fucking Vegas for no reason to watch a stupid fight. I could watch it at home. Why am I flying?

I'm getting all these paranoid thoughts. I landed in fucking Vegas. And we go to Cuban before. We have a great time. You called, and I was on another call with a buddy mine in New Jersey asking me stupid questions about the fight and who he wanted to bet. I fucking get out of his truck. He hugs me. I say goodbye.

I walk into the MGM grant and online. I go, where's my phone? I don't have my phone. I got to tell you the anxiety. Just rushed in my head. I thought I was going to pass out. I had to walk outside and start fucking breathing. You thought you're going to pass out?

Oh, I had to start doing our hees. Like because it just between the edible. And I didn't take a Cheebo Chewer. At that point, I had three Cheebo shoes in my fucking bag. I bought three of them. Three. Me, one and a half of me and Duncan, you know, we don't fuck around. So I called Duncan.

He comes down and brings me the ticket. I tell him I lose my phone. I go upstairs. I don't know what the fuck to do. So I call Sprint. I tell Sprint the fucking story. And this is how good Sprint is. I've been with Sprint for fucking 10 years now.

Right after I did Spider-Man, too, that check, That's where I went and got. Okay. And I had bad credit, so they only would give me a $200 limit. So if my phone bill would be $200 and $36, they would turn it off. Oh, really? I'd have to go down there. So I hated Sprint, but I was in a contract with him.

What am I going to do? Keep bouncing around like everybody else? That becomes a fucking pay of the ass. Oh, it does, yeah. You take the service and you make the best of what they have to offer. It works for you. I've always loved Sprint for one reason. My phone rings on the plane.

Oh, it does? Do you know before I touch down? Yeah. I forgot I had my phone in my pocket, and I forgot to shut it. it off. And five minutes before it landed, the phone was ringing because Duncan, now, if I went to answer, it wouldn't go through. But just the fact that it was ringing, when I was a couple thousand feet up in the fucking air, it's got to tell you, it's only failed me one time sprint in 10 years. It was when I was in Tennessee the first time. They didn't have cellarlights out there

yet. Well, your wife's family lives in like the fucking hills. So the beauty of it was, I went upstairs. I'm high. I'm confused. I'm thinking about Monday now. Instead of fucking enjoying my day, I got to go to fucking sprint and Laurel Canyon and get another fucking phone. Now I'm thinking about the people. I got a call. And all this shit's running through your mind. I didn't go to the MMA junkie thing. Oh, no. So what I went to Vegas for, yeah, because I'm in my room, I don't even have George's number. I forgot what a fucking convention was. I don't know what the fuck shit is. Yeah, because it was a different place. When you tell me on Monday, like I said, I think about Friday on Friday. On Monday, if you start telling me, write this down, I'm not going to write it fucking down. And that's what happens. Those are the fucking mishaps. Yeah.

So I didn't know what to do. So I'm sitting in my room. I got to meet Duncan downstairs at 6. I'm open. Mario finds the fucking phone and drops it off. And my wife, the genius, goes, call sprint. Maybe they can figure it out for you. Yeah, because you have an iPhone and they have something like find your iPhone so they can know where it is.

Right away. They found it right away. They said, they said, I'm here. Who do you know? I called him at 156. Because I remember when the plane lands, I looked at it and I called. They took the number.

They said, we cannot give you the number. We could call that person. They fucking called the person. Person answered. Call me back, and I had my phone. I picked it up after the fight. I mean, it was a little late, but I still picked it to fuck out.

Yeah, and that's scary because, I mean, especially when you're not, like, it's not like your wife can come pick you up or something. Anytime you lose your fucking phone in today's a world that sucks. Because now I know my home number, I know my wife's cell number I don't know your number late I wrote it down a couple weeks ago at home

But again, I'm not home This is if I lose myself So kudos to fucking sprint For putting it together for me For saving my ass in Las Vegas I felt bad to make it to the MMA junkie reunion But there's always next year I did go

That's the main reason I went to Vegas Yeah You know the fights were great I always have a great time with Duncan We got fucked up What do? What do you do? We ate all those Cheebo Chewings and everything Oh we're fucked up

By the time I walked out And some people were freaking me out, talking in Vegas. No, I didn't get to see it, but were you there for that first fight with all that blood? No, I did not see that. I walked in, there was a puddle of blood everywhere. They were fucking sweeping, burning incense. I think the child of blood smelled so bad. They were burning incense and shit.

There were great fights. I mean, Rick Story against my man was great. Cowboy Soroni. Oh, yeah. Against K.J. Noons was great. It was great talking to him. You know, I didn't get to see Mike Pyle. The only people I got to see after.

where like Ed Swares and Chuck Liddell's old trainer. Yeah. The guy that owns the pit. His son was fighting on Sunday. Anderson's fighting soon, isn't he? July the 4th. I'll be there at the Pearl, at the bombs or something. We're going to be at the theater there.

But it's really nice to go. But I tell you one thing about Vegas, it was empty. Really? You know, the economy? Yeah, people are lying. You know how empty that? Oh, that's what really pissed me up. When I got to the airport?

What? There was 10 people waiting online for a cab. Oh, okay. Ten people. I would have got a cab in two seconds. See, like, I'm Jewish So I go and I take, I wait 20 minutes For those stupid shuttles

I go to every single thing on the strip Oh, Jesus Christ Because it costs like 30, 40 bucks For a cab and for that thing To get to your room On time efficiently with no fucking drama And you don't have to feel like a Puerto Rican 20 fucking dollars

$20 that you spend on McDonald's And those burgers yesterday Yeah, exactly Think about these little fucking things How was your weekend So you went down and you watched Red Band Red Band and you weren't trash Sarah Tiana was beautiful.

Oh yeah, they were all great. Beautiful. Red band was very funny. Oh, yeah, he did some new stuff. Listen to me, bro. Red band's a good guy. And when I tell you something about Red Band, he knows that this stand-up shit requires work now.

And he's doing it. He gets out. He gets out. It was like he did against it. He was the opening act. He did like 15, 20 minutes. It was awesome. Hinchcliff was hilarious.

There was like a guy in a flannel shirt. And he made a joke. like, did you work for the railroad? And the guy did, and he was sitting there with his mistress. And the guy's like, and Tony was like, is this your wife? And the girl goes, they were like 65. And the girl goes, his wife's at home. And like, it went, like, they went bananas.

It was the craziest thing I've ever seen. The La Jolla is a fun comedy club. Oh, yeah, that's fun. And then we went to Don Carlos right down the street. That burrito place. Oh. Delicious. Yeah.

I was pissed off because I called, too. I called, we left at like 545, 6. And I called, because they don't, like, that they don't, like, that they don't Like, they don't have, like, a time they close. And when I called, he said they were closing at 8. And I was like, fuck. So I took the HOV lane on the whole way there. And luckily, we got there at 815.

I thought they were going to be closed. But they were open. Don Carlos. But, yeah, that place is fucking awesome. Mike Maxwell was there. Mike Max was a good man. I was going to have Mike Maxwell calling soon. You know, it's funny because I'm not a whatever guy.

I'm the other side. I'm the P.B. Beach guy, Rosa, or whatever. Okay. Were from me. Did you ever go to do that room with me on a Tuesday night in San Diego? There's a room on Pacific Beach? No, there's a room of Pacific Beach. Okay.

I'm right around the corner. This is a little Mexican place. Me and Rogan been going there, all of us. Ari, Ari loves it. You know, because it's close to the condo. Yeah. It's real close to the condo. But the best thing they have is the carnitas.

Oh, my God. I love carnet. But they got a bean and beef, bean and cheese burrito. Yeah. That'll make your asshole just blow it out. Just blow it out. So what's going on with the brood? That's it.

You're on friends now. Yeah, we're friends. You're still in love? I mean, I don't want to say that. You still want to fuck her. Yeah. Don't you show her. Her ass looks good in those jeans, don't it?

Yeah, of course. But it's just, it's like, I'm at a point where, like, I think I'm old, but then you realize, like, you're kind of like I'm an idiot. Like, I, like...

You think you what? Like, I, like, I'm getting to a point. Like, when I was young, I thought 24, almost 25 was old. And, like, I realize I'm like a fucking idiot.

And I, uh, I've gotten into this thing with more than one girl where I, I'm nice and I just end up being a friend. And I just, because I sound like a retard, I think, when I try to be, when I try to be mean, or not even mean, but just like assertive, I guess, would be the word.

And I just have to start doing it because it's just, I don't need friends anymore. I like the ones I have, but I just can't. It's, like, soul crushing when you're, like, you're friends with it. And I have a couple, I have, like, one or two girls who are friends who I legitimately don't want to have sex with. But 98% of any guy who's friends with a girl, he's in love with her. It's the way it is. It's how we work. And it's just, I can't do it any.

Well, it's funny. When I was young, when I was before 25, 26, any friend I would have, yeah, I was somewhere I wanted a fucker. Yeah, yeah. But I never got it let. I was such a horn dog. I would have never let it get to that point, you know? And then as I got old, you realize that women are great to have his friends as a bond, you know? I love when a woman tells me she's married. Oh, really? I love it. I love when I tell a woman I'm married. Because it cuts it off?

Yeah. I love when I tell a woman that I'm dating when I live with my girlfriend. I love it because that shield gets broken. Yeah. You know, that's why the most pussy you ever get is put on a wedding band. Oh, really? That does work? All the dirty whores come out. No, I wanted to ask you something because I always have been thinking about it even before I started losing weight.

But, like, the main issue I have is I feel like I'm confident, but not many chicks like heavy guys. But like Terry's beautiful and you were a hundred pounds heavier and you got her. Like, how do you get like that's like that's a biggest hiccup I have in my brain is like who's going to want to date a fat guy? But it's just, there's girls who like it and there's girls who don't care about. There's some heavy women that are beautiful. Oh, no, I love. I'd prefer. I don't know, Cole Smith was 100, 200 pounds you would eat her ass.

Oh, yeah. Beautiful. Same thing with guys. Yeah. Listen, man, it's confidence. Women wants a man that's confident. Yeah. I've never been confident.

I have something different that works for me. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. I stopped giving a fuck when I was 16 and it always worked for me. Yeah. Well, I thought somebody was not going to. No, I'm pretty much.

Last ball down. And it's very weird that, you know, you said something last month, and I think a lot of people, a couple weeks ago, whatever, I'm hot. A lot of people are living in the same show. I fucking hated it. Yeah. I myself hated getting dressed on a Friday and Saturday and going out and looking for a woman. Yeah.

Especially looking for a woman of my dreams. Mm-hmm. I fucking hated it. You know how old I was when I realized I hated? 20. You know what I was going to say? There was no way that was my world. When I went out, it was to get fucked up.

It was to get beers, put a quailoot in me, and get fucked up. At the end of the night, if pussy popped out, pussy popped out. The guys I hung with had the same state of mind, and they were good looking. So it always helped my cause. They didn't go out for pussy. They weren't creepy people. I don't like hanging around with creepy guys that their whole life is surrounded by pussy. Exactly.

I never liked that. But I like guys that like women. Nothing wrong with liking a woman and talking to a woman and goofing around and then where it falls. I went on a row with a comic once and I watched him go from girl to girl to ask him to dance. I mean, it was the pukiest fucking thing I had ever seen in my life. But then the guy will come to you on the plane home and tell you how he's single and he's 48 and you see why? Because he looks like a fucking child molest and he acts like a child molester. You can't go to every room.

You know, I know guys that are adults in Vegas is it where Joe has a friend that every time he goes out. He's like, hey man, I got that girl's number. For what? You're broke. You're broke. This is Vegas. She's sitting over there with six fucking women. You're going to go in between those six women and think you're going to fuck that chick and take her home. Those are six chicks you've got to beat off.

You understand me? The scenarios that work and the scenarios that don't work. Yeah. I've never in my heart believe that you want to meet a woman in a bar because you're taking home pure garbage. Yep. You know, a bar for me, look, I grew up in a fucking bar. Yeah. My mother had a bar.

So by the age of eight or seven, I had made something. in my mind up, that the people that hang out in this place, and I loved them. Yeah. But I knew what they were about with garbage. These are not people that, you know, you ever see those bar movies, everybody's having a great time,

and on the holidays, they all come in, and that was not my life. And then on Sundays, they all go see, you know, whatever, Jimmy Buffett with a fucking puppet head-on. That's okay. Venturenta, God bless you, but it just wasn't going to work for me. Yeah.

I don't want to meet. I don't even want nobody that I meet at a bar in an association. with my life. It was the weirdest fucking thing. Because, like, I could go out and get the drunk girl at the end of the night and have sex. But my favorite part, and I think it's your favorite part, too, because you give up money for it.

You come home, you don't do Sunday shows, because you like going to the farmer's market with your wife. Like, that's my... Like, sex is awesome. But, like, that's, like, that part is, like, the part I like. So that's why I keep looking for, like, a girl to actually date. Man, we all... By a certain age...

At 18, I was ready to get married, but I was ready for a girl to save me. I wasn't ready to save a woman or save myself. I was looking for a woman to save me. You know, I was ready to give up. That's why when I had my daughter, it was easy for me. I was content with my life. Now, my ex-wife became something else, and we got divorced, and we got separate.

But at that age already, I knew for me that I did not want to be at a bar picking up people. But the big question in society is, where do you meet a woman? A, I want you to guys to write this fucking down. I don't remember this. from October of 84 to probably June of 85. I didn't have sex one year. Yeah? Just didn't.

Just couldn't get lucky, couldn't meet somebody. Not the best-looking guy in the world. I always knew that, you know, but something, you know, and I learned a lot about myself in that time. I also learned how lonely I was. You realize how lonely you are? This was way before comedy. This was way before anything.

I was involved in crime, and that's why I lived for. Crime and drugs and going out and getting fucked. up and if a girl that happened to fall into it and I'll tell you what you never know when love is going to show up. Nobody knows nobody fucking knows when love is she's going to show up and how it's going to show up. But it's never showed up to me. Nobody, in my

50 years, nobody I haven't met in a fucking bar has ever been any good. And that's in any category of life to fulfill that thing. It's a bar relationship. Yeah. It's two people at a bar. You ever drink with a girl and all of a sudden you're an alki and she's an alky, that relationship never fucking works. Two Alki's

never fucking works. A co-opening. A co-teeaner. A co-lawful. Kank and an alki maybe because opposites attract a heroin head and that reef ahead Terry would love to have a drink but she knows it doesn't work for her Terry doesn't like marijuana at all Terry doesn't even like marijuana in the house yeah and she tolerates because she loves me I keep it out of her way I never push it on her I don't blow smoke in her face I don't have a weed poster on my wall yeah I don't have a weed shirt on she tolerates I don't throw it in her fucking face yeah I do it behind closed doors in my own home she smells it and she'll close the fucking

and go and open the window in the room and put the fan up to suck it up, but that's special. Yeah. You know, I don't ever want a woman to become me. That's why I stayed with Terry. Yeah. You ever see a girl, and also in your date, and also a month later, she's into the UFC,

and she's jumping up and down. Yeah. The UFC, and then you take it to a party, and she starts talking about the UFC. It's kind of fucking embarrassing that she's a billy-goat of a wife, or you have a girlfriend next thing, you like fucking riding your bike,

so she buys a bike, and she buys that stupid headgear with the tight pants. And there's guys who do it too. And there's guys who do it. That shit tells me to fuck up. You know, I know you want to be a part of somebody's life, but you also have to have some difference. That's what makes the life so special.

Yeah. You know, Terry hated, I love yoga for years. I fucking hated yoga. She turned me on until I go, I use it as a stretch. Yeah. But I hate it going to the same class with her. It's kind of gay. We did it as a date night later on.

Yeah. You know, I met great people at the gym. You always got a good piece of ass at the gym. And I told you that for years. That's a great. It's where you least expected that you're going to meet the person. that you're fucking dreams could be a laundry room and it's so weird you know when the fuck it happens yeah it's so special you know and what do you think you're the only person who's

shy in a bar whatever like I said I hate going to one of the fucking talking to them bars I look for victims I see a woman who's just as much as a freak as I am I could tell I could smell it out yeah you know the same thing who's looking for the same thing you're looking and then you you go out and you start having relationships and you see what type of people are out there and the shit that they're doing, and that turns you off too. Yeah. You see people who are in a marriage, and now they're out there fucking and sucking,

and they're going home to their husbands or their wives, and that turns me to fuck off. You know, it's cute for a moment. It's cute to get your dick sucked by somebody's wife, but then they leave, and that's somebody's fucking wife. Yeah, of course. Or somebody's husband or somebody's something, you know. Yeah, of course.

And something's weird, because I dated this girl back in Boston for, like, off and on for, like, two years. And it's embarrassing, well, not embarrassing, but she had some stuff happened and we never had sex but we dated for that long and the thing that I figured out was she was like she's she's me essentially so we like we we should be best friends

but that doesn't always work like like she would like we were we like the same things we did the same things but like when you start dating you like date people who are friends because you get along and then you also like you feel bad like you don't want to break up with someone hurt them but like just because you get along with someone doesn't mean you have

to date them and you know the people don't have to do bad shit to you to break up and it's some it took me it took me a while to get used to because i stayed with her i've stayed with a bunch of people for much too long and people probably stay with me for too long and it's something weird that you learn when i've learned so far when i've been younger i know one thing for sure i know you have to take care of yourself yeah and you have to look at your back and you're a sweetheart of a guy you're 24 and you always saying well i want them to be my friends look a dog the girl stay with you here whatever you know you didn't put your dick in your mouth that's my and whatever advice to you.

And then I knew once you was here, I could tell you we were starting to like her. Yeah. I could tell you were getting defensive. And then now you're at the zone where you're a friend zone. You're not going anywhere. No. You know, she's dating.

Yeah. You know, she's dating. And she told you and it kind of threw you the fuck off. And that even throws you the fuck off worse, because, you know what? Here I am. You stay here for free with friends. I drop.

We have a good time. You can't suck my dick. You got to suck some strangers fucking dick. Yeah. This is the way we think of guys, ladies. This is the way we fucking think. Yeah. You know, you're sucking fucking everybody else's dick.

You can't even throw over and give me a little dick sucking just to keep me alive for a few weeks. Just to keep my mind fuck alive in tune. And I'll keep doing this. That's a smart girl. That's like a loan shark. You know what I'm saying? That's like a fucking loan shark who loans you $100,000. And he says, I don't want my $100,000.

All I want is three points a week. That's it. Just a little bit every week. I'm going to keep doing this. I won't even ask you for the fucking money. It's the same thing. I had the same thing happen to me. We're friends.

And also when she's sucking fucking these dirty comedians' dicks. I'm like, hey, Doug, I'm right fucking here. I'm the one that drives you're doing this, and it hurts. And one day you have to step up, and then they realize it that no money, no fun. And women have to realize that in life, especially out here. This is the major leagues of people using people. This is the major leagues of a 50-year-old guy leaving his fucking wife for some 20-year-old with fake tits. This is the forefront of cheating.

This is the place where the biggest fucking pigs exist. Oh, yeah. The biggest character pigs exist. in the world is Los Angeles, California. This is where girls get up one morning and say, I was the prettiest girl in the prom. I'm going to go to L.A., and they come out here, they start sucking some fucking Arab dick,

and they go right back to fucking Indiana feeling terrible about them. So it ain't the party that they promised. You know, it ain't the party that Kim Kardashian throws. Yeah. Oh, shit. Mm-mm. I don't know how you do that.

Do what? This edible is already hitting me, and I know. What? Do, do what? Do what? Where's the fucking music? That's what I want to know. Where's the music? You got me here talking about real.

I don't want to talk about fucking relationship. It's Monday morning, you're sick. I'm a little fuck. I love you. That's why I see. Smoking a little refund. You ready for the other half of his cheap? Fuck you. Come on, one more little piece to get the day gone. How do you want to be around? I won't be able to pick up the phone call.

Okay, who gets it for? Hey, we'll cut it for you. I'm not having any more. I'm going to give you a little piece. No, I've already had my piece. I've already had my piece. I'm going to get right there. I'll eat the rest. Look, and I'm gonna eat the rest.

No, I'm done. I already ate my piece. No, come on. Right here. Look at this. Look at this. Yeah. I didn't give you half of one. There's three quarters. I gave me a little piece. Come on. No, I'm done. I'm done. I can't do it. Dog, eat the fucking thing. No. I'm gonna call the girl right now and tell her you're a cock sucking. Good caller. I had, and people give me shit. You don't like smoking. I, I smoke. Like, you don't see this. He comes in. And he comes in, and he gives me a joint. And I come sit down. He doesn't smoke anything. He takes two hits. He goes like this. Like he goes.

like a fucking Like a fucking hemophilia Come here, take this fucking piece One little more piece That's it One little bit more piece This tiny fucking piece I take small hits

Do it for the church And what's happened You make me take 18 hits You make me take 18 hits Just eat this little piece right here Right there Just down that motherfucker right now Fucking god damn

Where you're going I'm going to fucking swallow With my liquor You got some wee fee over here You forgot you can't walk on the leg Take a little bit Where's Tony Bennett You want to be around

Shit Here it, guys. Where's Tony? He's right here, relax. Here, take a hit of this. This is Colombian gold. Come in, take a hit of this. That's cracking your head.

Ain't no hair going to grow. I mean, I want to be around. I don't want to be around anymore. Oh, yeah, to see how he does it. Oh, yeah, Lee. Hell, come on, you're 70 fucking pounds loud like a soldier, you bad motherfucker you. If Lee Lee

Let's you hear what he said Let's Lee If the puzzle fits Yeah Who gives a fuck It's Monday, it's Memorial Day Soldiers fucking die for you And you're crying about eating a little fucking

Piece of edible out of respect Two pieces Two little tiny fucking pieces That my fucking cat would eat bigger pieces No they wouldn't You fuck a guy Fucking guy Jesus Christ

You gotta get together Big Day tomorrow Testicle Testicle Testaments comes out. The last one. Then we're going to put them together. I'm going to take that on the fucking road. He's going to be the stage manager.

He's going to be like fucking Liberacee. And then you got... I can't believe you didn't watch that movie last month. No, I'm not paying... I'm not paying $20. Him sticking his dick in Damon's ass and shit. Fucking tremendous. They were talking about the Boston Red Soff.

I'm sure you were watching it. I'm a season. Good movie. It was okay. It was. Got to get HBO, though. That's it's over. You're not eating McDonald's.

What were you spending at McDonald's a month? At $7, $8 a pop, nine times a fucking week. Probably $100 a week. Okay, so $400. Now, out of respect for McDonald's, get HBO for $20. Out of respect for McDonald's. Oh, Jesus. I mean, what shows do they have?

I don't know. They got Boardwalk Empire. They got real sports. Yeah. Which is fucking tremendous. They always have some Indian kid that's a jockey that you never knew about. They ride horses in fucking India, and they beat these kids and shit. Well, speaking of TV shows.

Hit it! We're brought to you again by Hulu Plus. Come on, the best. My wife fucking digs it to debt. Go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. And again, you get a two-week free trial, but what you have to do, it won't work if you do the capital letters, Joey. You have to do lower-case.

Lower-case, cock-suckers. And I've been fun. I spent the entire weekend. I like Parks and Rec. I think it's a great show. They have the entire last season on there. You fucking people are just disgusting. And they have the YouTube today.

They have SNL. they have wrestling, they have a ton of, they have a ton of everything. I watched it on my TV, I watched it on my iPhone. Joe, you were asking if you watch it on your iPad at the gym. People said thank you for fucking that they subscribe. You're watching at the gym. You tried streaming hit shows on your PC, on hulu.com. Fuck all that.

It's time to start your free trial, exclusive content in your living room and on your mobile devices. With on HuluPlus. That's how you doing. Yeah, Huluplus.com slash Joey. This is a party. Two fucking weeks for free. I want you to subscribe today Today what's the code

We cut the shit It's for fucking free people It's just Joey lowercase And after that it's only 799 a month 799 that's what you get from Uncle Joey Don't piss me on You ready to eat the other half of it? No, that's it's over Hulu blow up

Oh, out of respect I got shit to do today Cog sucker Go home watch Huluplus.com What are you pressing? Lowercase Joey Joey Yep

Get two weeks for free After that it's 799 What is it usually? Like $200 a fucking month. Oh, no, yeah, no, but it's great. It's just awesome. I love it. You can't lose. Does it have HBO shows on there? Not HBO.

All right, so you got to get HBO, and you get Hulu Plus, and you go to, what do you press? Huluplus.com slash Joey. Cut the shit. $7.99 a month. It's free for two fucking weeks. You go on there for two weeks. You just sit there and watch Hulu Plus,

smoke dope, like with three hands, drink fucking water, rub your feet with... Who's better? than you. No one. They have lost. They have tons of shows. I'm telling you. This is a fucking deal in itself and you're sitting down like a moot. Let me give some shout out. It's 9.30. Who do you think you're dealing with? This kid came up to me in Long Island a couple weeks ago. Real funny after a show. Sweetheart of a guy gave me a card. His name was Rob. He represented the Desquare, Long Island. I read the card that night and I put

it in my notebook. I didn't find it until this week. So I'm sorry. I love you. How about La Chona and Steve? His girlfriend Ashley told me to give him a shout out. My man, Andrew Look, Jordan Meskell, Jody Ward, Guy Bello always on, Leon de la fucking Vegas, you Spanish motherfucker, K'nuge, and Milk Hot Lead, whatever is fucking Nick Mick Hot Lead, that's how we do it. I gotta take care of my fucking people. What's the, we're stillborn? I need some fucking, uh, black label society. I love those motherfuckers. Hit it, Lee. Bama, b'am, b'am. Oh shit.

Shout out to Woodchuck Hard Cider Stop what the fuck? Where's the jumping jacks, Lee? Let's do jump in Jackson's song. No drink, I'll do three Joptsin Jaxx. People want to see you do Jopin Jacks. Aren't you gonna do jumping gats? After you, come on, Lee. What the fuck is that, Lee? Lee, finish his Cheap-Bo Chubbers.

I'm already so hot. I couldn't remember which leg and arm went first. You're fucking asshole. Been drinking for four hours. Nine o'clock. Memorial Day, brother. the soldiers are fucking sitting there in their tent listen to this shit no they got guns in their hands ready to blow a fucking anybody's head off so you got to be the same way you gotta

have the same fucking mentality every day just I do just because you're not just because you're not over there shooting Arabs or whatever the fuck you're doing I need you to have the same motherfucking mentality every goddamn day you're gonna wake up you're gonna feel your fucking nuts you're gonna look up you're gonna go god thank you for give me another fucking day I can get my shit off today it's Monday May 20, whatever. You know, you quit smoking today. You can start your diet today. You can start doing push-ups today. You go to onet.com. Let me tell you something. I'm back on the fucking strong bone ever since I've been doing these jih T-jitsu guys. You got to take care of your joints.

So I've been doing the fucking e-capsules, whatever those things are, my blood pressure, whatever fuck it is, and I've been taking my strong bones again. That's what I like about Annet. No matter what you're doing and what you have to emphasize, it's there for you. If I'm writing, I'm on the fucking out. for brains. If I want to go to sleep, I'm on the fucking new mood. If I want to hang out with 20 people and eat 20 asses, I don't want to get a, uh, uh, chlamydia. Boom, fucking shroom tech. Whatever. There's two of them. Immune and sport. Get your shit together. Go to honor.com. Stop fucking around. Take the chance. Columbus did. Go to honor.com. Nice. Take care of yourself.

Be a better friend to yourself. Who loves you better than you? That's what we're going to talk about. That's what we're going to talk about right now. That's fucking important. I got people get confused. with a person being a dick and a person looking out for themselves. No matter what goes on, I love you, Lee. And I told you from the beginning, and I hate people who say to me, I told you so from the beginning.

When I spoke to yesterday, you seemed a little, your mood was off. So when your mood is off, my mood is off. Because I love you to death. If some jerk-off's mood is off, they got nothing to do with Uncle Joe. But when somebody I love, the death's mood is off, my mood is off.

Because, Jesus Christ, I failed. I'm the fucking adult. I'm 50. You're 24. You might think you're a fucking man. You have no idea. I didn't become a man until I was 44. I lived for 44 years in this planet as a fucking idiot

because I was addicted to something. If I would have listened, I would have doubled my time as an idiot. And that's all we're trying to do is doubling your time as an idiot. So instead of that 20-year span, we're trying to cut it to maybe 11. You're cut in half. If I could have you being an idiot from 20 or 31, it's okay.

You're still going to have 30 fucking good years to sling dick and be a character and fucking do your thing. you know uh Jesus Christ you got me so high I forgot to change the camera shut the fuck up cocksucker you got me so high

yeah and I don't know what I was talking about the beauty of this is that you gotta watch your back you know a lot of people email me Joey we we love you da da da da da

you inspire whatever the fuck who inspires you Clint East will inspires me but you know people like mad at me because I don't talk to my daughter not that they're mad at me they want to know

like that and I've made contact to speak to my daughter the wife I can't talk to And I'll tell you why. Because in life, you got to look out for your fucking yourself. And sometimes you try to be the best person you can be, but you got to look out for your feelings and what works for you. You know what?

I get aggravated easily. So I avoid aggravation situations. Yeah. Even if I'm going to make money in a situation, if I'm going to get aggravated, it's not worth the fucking Doree me Faso. So, Dore me Faso. So you got to take care of yourself, guys.

You know, and that's what happened with this bro with you. You knew what the thing was, and I told you, I said, this weekend give her a week. weekend off. Let her think about the Lee Lee Siyah cock. Let her think about how sweet Lee is and how, what she's dealing with out there. Sometimes you have to do that to him because you have nothing

to lose. You didn't get nothing. She told you no. No hand job. No finger up the ass. No, no socky. No fucky. So what are we talking about here? Is that a song in the world? Yeah, no sake. No, fuck. It was sang by a Chinese guy named Lung Kong Ho. I don't know if he's on YouTube. I think they yanked the song. Look at Lee's all giggling and shit. Well, you gave me two pieces of a cheetah.

When was the last time when somebody sucked your pipe? Want to get a chick over here right now to suck your pipe? Sure, why not? A little party lick your fucking gagootsas. What are giggas? You're little nuts? You got big nuts? You got a little Jew nuts. I got big nuts.

All right. See, he's a savage and shit. Oh, Jesus. So what's your plan now? You're going to join Matt.com? I'm on okay, Cupid. Now, what about the other one? Are you on fucking no Jewish sites?

No, it's a... I can't do Jewish girls. I see some hot fucking chicks. Oh, no, I'm sure there... It's a coffee bean in... Beverly? Sherman Oaks. Oh, sherman oaks, yeah.

Oh, they even had the husbands with the yarmacas on. There was a little boy with a yam. But there was two of them, two Jew broads that were on fire yesterday. That fucking coffee bean. If you would have been there with your little black shirt on, you got to get yourself a chain with a big diamond star of a baby. You want to sling diggers? Those are Persian juice. Those aren't Russian juice.

You know what? I think I'm going to get a fucking yarmica. Not a yarmica. A star with a big cock coming out of. Just hanging there. And uncircumcised one? Yeah. And the.

Star is one nut. We gotta draw that. Let me. You don't get Mike Maxwell on the phone. A fucking star. A David Star with a dick going down to say, like you have one nut. It's the star. Why do you leave one nut? Because you only need one nut. You don't need two. Two is a waste. Damon's fucking Duncan's got

one nut. He's doing fine. He's got a beautiful fucking girlfriend. Just because you won't got one nut doesn't demean. No, I know. Well, yeah, if you have... Get together. I don't know. Why do you do this thing to me? What thing? You knew what was going to happen. You're going to have a good day. You listen to the National Anthem. you're going to go to the pool you're going to work out

I haven't slept yet so I have to go to sleep You haven't slept since last night Since yesterday What'd you do last night? Nothing I'm used to I work night So I'm used to not What time did she leave? Midnight

Did you whack off after she lived And think about it? I didn't think about her Tell me that you Did you bang what I don't think about If her little fucking A little Chinese friend wasn't here I can't do it without the video porn

Like I just I've always been I hope you don't watch it And jerk off in here No no I wouldn't do it on this Because I know you fucking have even though you don't know how to use a phone an iPhone you have like some system up here and your face would pop up or something

what do you don't got Tucker it's like scare me but no I am so you whack off in the dark off of your mind that you keep I can't do it my because you whack off off when I started doing it I had videos can you whack off off the fucking TV like a perving no on my computer no I would never do it on the couch I don't want to sit on bare ass on my couch it smells like juice sperm

no it does it does it smell like Jenny Freeman's what is juice sperm what does juice sperm smells like pennies and chlorox put together as shit. What does Cuban sperm smell like? Maracas is in fucking Florida. Let's put together. Cucksucker. We got a big week this week.

We got the live podcast Wednesday. Yeah. We got two fucking great guests this week. We got the releasing the CD. The Testicle Testaments 5 tomorrow. I love all this shit. I love doing it. Even though it's kind of a quiet date,

it's Memorial Day, people are going to have their little barbecues. I went to a barbecue yesterday. Mercy went fucking ape shit. What did you do? You know, my daughter Don't like crowds Oh really? Oh, she's like you?

Yeah, she don't like crowds And she don't like people popping up in her face with bad breath She just don't fucking like A lot of people grab her and breathe on her And she has a fucking shit cop So yesterday went to my good friend Damon's house Okay And we sat down

And Damon goes, it was going to be quiet You know, he goes, I'm just going to have a couple people over But it turned pretty fucking heavy And I could see it I could see her that she was only digging me this little boy and my wife and my friend's wife. Everybody else, she was looking at kind of weird. A dear friend of ours who I loved her dead, picked her up,

and she took one look at her, and that was it. She went off. My wife grabbed her for a while. She was going off on my wife. My wife goes, you got to take it. She'll stop for you. She stopped barely for me, but she was like, we gotta get the fuck out of here, Daddy.

So I packed her in the car, and we took her the Marie tea and got some son with her and drank some. from coffee. She passed out. You always have a good excuse now to leave? Oh, please. She was fucking great. She couldn't have come out of a better fucking time. I had already eaten a burger and some chips and I was just saying, I was having a good time,

but I was tired. I was still tired from Vegas. Yeah. I slept too. I slept six hours that night. Well, the AC that was cold for some reason, because I have the same thing. I blast AC. Well, this AC was, it said 65. 65 is fucking warmth. What do you put it at?

I need, in my room, it's at 60 all the time. 60? With an upper fan and a fan next to me. Jesus Christ. I do like 68. That's like 52. I do like 60.

Oh, no, that's hot for me. I'm sweating like a motherfucker and 68. Really? With that headband on. Sure, the sleep at me a headband. I guess that's true. I fucking sweat with that thing on. So I got to sleep with no shirt on.

60. Jesus. And girls get cold. Your Terry must be fucking freezing. It's not my problem. Yeah, she said that. She said that when you started dating, she's like, it was just his way and he just it wasn't even a discussion like we're doing

this. No because I can't I've done out peak turning so I would sleep her way at first but I'd be turning I wasn't falling asleep so she saw that it would just affect me yeah with the air I need the noise Oh it's the noise it's the noise With me it's the noise and being bundled up Okay if I can bundle myself up then I have a good sleep

If I can't bundle up then I fucking can't have a good sleep Yeah So that's what really kills me Do you have the ringing in your ears from all the concerts and comedy stuff you've done? No. I just can't hear nothing. I just can't hear nothing.

I don't want to fucking hear. That's the only death part I got. I can't hear nothing. I can't hear it. That's what sucks. You know, it's amazing. I keep getting this ear infection. I keep going to the doctor and they've already

giving me two hearing tests. I can't hear shit. Oh, really? That's why I hate going on in a way because I can't really hear what you're saying to them. And people always want to talk, especially at events. At events, I can't listen. At a club.

That's why I don't go to bars. and I can't, and now you want to talk. Hey, you're like that. Oh, guy, and you're up close, you're breathing on me. I don't want to smell your breath, and I don't want you smelling mine. You know what I'm saying? Go away, move away. Some guy came up to me down and I had Vegas, and he's like, yeah, what did you think of the fights?

And it was starting. It was starting off as a great conversation. Then he's like, well, he goes, I listened to one of the podcast once, and you said it was fake. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, well, I did you know what? It was fake. I said, listen, do me a favor. Walk away.

He was two little goofy friends, and he just looked at me. I'm like, go away. You're fucking crazy. You fucking crazy coming to me. Then they want to ask you questions. Like, at 12.30 at night. Like, I'm like, fuck. They know about the Cheeber Chew.

That's fucking, that's like a Rambo helicopter right there. You hear that? It's the Apocalypse. How do you know? I don't know. I like that scene in Apocalypse. Why? Get on with it.

Boom, boom. It sounds like Pink Floyd the Wall. Oh, shit. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, bo-da, boom. Boom, boom. So people at night were talking to you. It was fucking horror show.

They were drunk asking me that if I fucking said that UFC was fake. That shit drives me fucking crazy. Once I go to those bars and it was at the bar, I saw like T.J. Grant who knocked out fucking what's his name? I saw, uh, that's why I saw Ed Tuarez when we were talking like me, Duncan. We were all about like a slot machine. And then we go and hang in there for a while. And I had two drinks in Vegas, though.

Oh, snap. I woke up all dehydrated. I was going to take some Molly. Oh, did you? Nah. Why not? I got it, though. I heard that's nice.

I heard it's like, it's like a lot of fun. It's like a, like, I've heard mushrooms. You can have like a bad trip. I've heard Molly's just always happy. So what are you going to do? I would do. What are you going to take away? Hopefully a girl.

I don't want to take away with you. I don't want to, I don't want like, the hardest I've ever laughed probably in the last few years. We went to do, you did the Cigaro's comedy thing and at flappers. and we were walking back to the parking lot and Joey has big hands and we're just walking

he did like the walk around behind me thing and you just put your hand on my head and like held it there and it was cold out it was like midnight and your hand was warm and I almost passed out from laughing you were high too though well of course I was high and you had just had like

two chihuah twos and just like the act of you like rubbing my head like you just you just touched and I went off like we were both like I couldn't even walk to the car. You were giggling up a storm. One of the best times I had was Lee was shooting a movie in New York. We were shooting a documentary. I'm like, Lee,

we're fucking high as fuck. It's four in the morning and we're driving to the 545 American Airlines from fucking Kennedy to L.A.X. By the way, it's one of the best flights you could take cross-country. 5.45. That means you gotta be there at

4.15. Yeah. But it's usually the cheapest flight Kennedy offers L.A. and you're getting to L.A. at 920. when the traffic breaks down. By the time you get your luggage, it's 10. Perfect. Fucking 405 north is fucking empty. All fucking roads are empty. So it's a perfect flight.

So we're driving there. Lee's carrying shit. Had you already eaten the banana butter? Yes. No, you know. He ate the night before. He didn't sleep. Got up in the middle of the night and went to a fucking diner.

No, no, no, I didn't. Ordered the food from a fucking diner. That was the first night. The night you're talking about, I had to get the footage onto my computer because we were returning the camera. And first of all, I was shooting. I didn't want to be high. You got to do banana bread.

I'm like, I can't hold a camera with that. But then he made me take it before we got in the car to go to the airport, which I didn't want to do. And then he lived there for fucking 20 years. We start driving and immediately. You just look over me like, Lee, I don't know where I am. We must have stopped at four gas stations. You were pulling maps out. You're like, how do I get that?

I'm like, I don't. I've never been here. You were fucking... You're smarting me, though. You're snobled. smarter than me. You know the iPhones with the maps in the direction. I didn't have an iPhone. And the fucking turn left

in 30.6 miles. And then all you were saying, because we went to like a toll booth and like we finally find the way and like the only thing you said from there to the place where we dropped off the rental car was like we're not going to make this fucking flight. We're not making this fucking flight.

I was pissed. Yeah, you were pissed. And when you used to live here. And I already I already have a thing when I'm nervous, like something like that like I'll giggle. I look at it. But I was high. fucking years ago that's number one I never used to go to Kennedy Airport that's number two you know in 94 I went back to New York and drove a limo my friend Mike running got me a job working with his fucking landlord the limo company yeah and that's the first time I had really driven on my own to Calderley Airport in the

where those fucking airports were and it was a nightmare it was a fucking nightmare oh geez that was but I remember yelling at you leave what the fuck yeah and then you like the night before you had left your bag of the Chinese place and apparently for some reason I was in charge of your bag and you were you're like looking windows at the Chinese place like I don't get in here you're you're bringing on walls it wasn't even the door you're just bringing on like the bricks you're like let me into my bag and had your fucking weed license and some banana bread fucking people you gotta get your shit together you're slipping in charge of direction you're in charge everything in charge you're

smarter than I am you're young and dumb with me edibles computer fucking savvy you're the captain Kirk of the Enterprise and you see what happens when I have you have edibles. What happens? I get loopy and I start giggling. I don't know what's going on. I forgot how to do jim and tell her to come down. She's sleeping right now. So what's you going to do today? You're going to tell her come down and eat some more? No. No, she's cleaning her room. What's your next move? I've been, I've been doing online dating. I've talked to a couple of girls online. Oh, Jesus Christ. And what else? And you're ready to kick Ashley loose? What's your next move? You're going to tell her. That's it. You can't hang whether you

like it. No, I'll hang out with her as a friend. But it's just, it's just. it's not going to happen. Or maybe, who knows, I have 70 more pounds. I want to lose one. I get down there. We'll see what happens. What? You're just,

for people who are just listening, he's just staring at me with like a smile, like a kid at the, at the Sears getting their picture taken. What happened with her? The Chinese girl, she runs with her. Is there any chance you give her a stand? No, no.

There's a, she's a nice enough girl, but there's people, and I'm not going to say it's only girls, but there's people who are entitled. And people, people mistake my kindness and a lot of people's kindness for weakness

and I don't say anything but I like I want to be like like you and like if people like start taking advantage of you you just have to be like fuck like stop fuck you and it's uh like she was doing it last night like I bought 90 bucks for the food she brought soup for herself

and some chips and she was like I don't like Oscar Meyer I like ballpark I'm like Oscar Meyer's been around for 90 years 90 fucking what's wrong Oscar Meyer hot dogs the New York hot dog yeah Miami makes is not fucking bad. You know, listen, none of them are fucking good.

None of them are sad Brett. I'm a sad Brett fucking guy. Oh, yeah, of course. But I'll get the, I tell you what, the ones at the airport. The ones in Vegas, I forget what company. They have hot dogs at the airport. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good ones with those fries I like.

Fucking delicious. With Nathan's. Oh, Nathan's is good. Nathons are at Rouse. They have them at Rouse for lunch. Okay. You go to fucking Rouse and Sherman Oaks and get a Nathan hot dog for lunch. Just go up to the devil.

They have them wrapped up already. They had a special for, like, Like a year. Two hot dogs in a soda for fucking $3. I was there every other day. Bang it on the fucking rush for $3. One fucking hot dog is eight points. You know, if you put a hot dog and shit on it, yeah, it's a lot of points.

But I'm a fucking raw onions and a mustard type of motherfucker anyway. Oh, yeah. I like, I just got into deli mustard. I used to be only yellow, and I still like yellow. But like the spicy brown deli mustard, I love that shit now. Do you? I'm always wondering when that voice is going to come out. You know, put this in your fucking little assort?

I know people who take, like, fucking ecstasy and Viagra, Cialis, and they melted it, and they put it under their assholes with a coffee basta. Please don't introduce me to those people. I've never really wanted to. I never wanted to do something like that, but it'd be good for you. It sounds like you do want to do it. No, no, no, no, I don't need a coffee, whatever. One of those bases.

A coffee animal you don't want, you don't want. Let's go live on the show. I'll get someone in here, and we'll melt Cialis and all the boner pills. Don't make me go over there and rub your little fucking Yamaha. Go ahead, all right? So it's just really weird how those are the worst people. Those are the worst people I have ever come. When I first started dating Terry, she had a girlfriend.

That didn't think much of me. And I could give a Frenchman's fuck. You know, I love Terry for who she was. And we'd meet in the afternoons and watch Law & Order. And this girl would bring her own tuna sandwich. And one day we were messing around until this day, me and Terry laugh, her ass is all about it. I looked like, oh, let me get half of that.

She fucking went nuts But I never understood a person Who brought food over And didn't even offer you half of it Yeah I never understood those things I never understood how people show up at people's homes And

Don't bring anything Just just out of whatever You know when you go to Ralphie Mae's house You always say don't bring nothing He's a motherfucker that gets everything And that's why I don't go half the time Because there ain't nothing to fucking bring Because he's got everything

Yeah You know it's just so many fucking people who deserve, you know, Lee, when we got together, I said, Lee, I'm going to pay you. I want you to do these videos, let's pay, because I don't even want you to think that you were being used. I don't even want that feeling in LA,

you're going to have that feeling a lot. You know, you posted something the other night that was hysterical. You posted that you've been working here for six weeks, and the guy still calls you less. Oh, that's this fucking guy who fucking easy. He was a nice, and I quit that place, but the guy, I worked there for five weeks. He's like a 40-year-old who's still in the night shift for nine years,

and you're at most supposed to be an assistant editor for like four years. He's been there for nine. And he goes, what's up less? And like, I changed it. I corrected him like two or three times. And then at the end,

I was like, what's up, buddy? And then you call me, and you call me. And you, because we, you talk, like,

you call me at 7.30, like a couple, like a half an hour when I get into work. And call me back at like nine. You're like, is this less? And then he just started cracking up. I'm like,

fuck you. But no, and companies do it. Like they, They didn't, there's a fucking garage in the building, but they don't pay for it. So we have to take street parking, which is fucking bullshit. But it's a fucking less. Nothing bothers me more when people try to take advantage of me.

And try to do it to your face. Like when you do a movie now or a TV show, they're such fucking scammers. You know, I used to do a lot of afterwork years ago. And I do these afterpilots where these motherfuckers wouldn't have no food on the fucking thing. You know, when I did that movie Boil and Make, that movie never got released and shit, Those people are still doing plays The guy's a dentist He's a fucking producer

On all their projects I still get stupid emails And they got this good movie That sits at Amazon Whatever the fuck it is But during that movie They had no fucking food either I mean it's just

It's just really fucking amazing That people try to use you Even as human beings That's this shit That has always burned me up And this town is classic for it You know how to kill who call me a day Hey man I got these videos

You the other day Do you want to use them And I go no And he goes why not I felt like reaching my fucking hand through his fucking neck. You know, why not? I don't have to tell you fucking why not. Yeah.

When somebody says no, it's fucking no. There's not a why not? What's that got to do with the fucking butt? I mean, I love living here. I love the weather. I like that I have a friendship with you and a couple other guys. But I mean, the whole nuts and bolts of it, that's where it ends. Yeah.

And people try to be, try to, I met a guy. Last year I did that stupid fucking raging bull, too. Right? And the minute I walked in there, an extra comes out to me. Hey, man, I just sold the show and you're perfect for it. And this guy's attached to it. And extra did it? Yeah, an extra, right? It comes out to me. He's like, I just sold the show and I have all these people. And I'm looking at them. It's like when I did that one commercial years ago, the guy was a producer. But you're here shooting, you're here being an actor on a commercial. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm really a producer. Okay. Okay. Okay. You know, that's what you get in that. Everybody's a fucking producer. Yeah. So, what was I talking about? About people taking advantage.

Before that, what was this fucking guy? I got off course here. Just that he came up to you and he had an offer for you or something? All right. So he says, yeah, I got this movie going on. A web series. Okay. He goes, but I got these names attached to it.

Do you mind if I get a hold of you? I said, sure, give me your information. I'll email you. I emailed them. That was last June. Yeah. All right. He gets back to me in October.

All right. The project, blah, blah, blah. I've been busy. You know, extra season was long this year. year, whatever the fuck he was staying. Yeah. He goes, are you still interested? I go, bro, you were interested? Sure. Whatever.

I'll do it. He goes, it pays. When can we get together? I go, when are we going to start shooting? He goes, we're probably going to start shooting in February. I go, well, it's November. There's no sense of us talking right now. He kept walking me. Like, can we meet tomorrow in Hollywood? You know me, dog. I'll tell you, yeah, until 10 minutes before the meeting. And I can't

find the reason to go to Hollywood. Yeah. Because I'm going to go down there. You're going to shake my hand. You're going to drop some names at me. You're going to tell me about all this shit you got going on and the people you know and then that's it. Yeah. There's no nothing else and then six months from now you're going to call me and go hey do you have somebody we could sell this show to? That's your job. And I'm gonna go no not really and then that's it. My fucking thing appears on YouTube which I had to drive to Marina Del Rey to shoot four fucking days in a row because your uncle worked

at Paramount. It's always the same fucking story. Yeah. Then they come to you so I said no when you're ready to shoot get a hold of me and they're like yeah but we're ready to shoot In January, but it's fucking October. So what they really want to do is get my name signed, the tax to it to lower other fucking people. And then hopefully get financing. And then in January, like, we didn't get nobody else. We'll hold off to fucking...

I had a guy call me one time. He says he was an associate producer on that Sideways. Okay. He's got this movie and the whole fucking deal. It's like he went to 20 fucking different people. And he never sold the movie from time to time. I still check on the fucking now he's got it on Kickstarter with Lou Ferringo instead of me yeah Lou fucking for I mean it just never ends with these people so Lee you're young yeah you know

I dig you I like what we do here and that's a lot of times you said me hey what do you think if I do I know where it's going to end I know these people I sniff them the fuck out you know and uh what are you gonna fucking do what are you gonna do and I know you don't text but I had a conversation with somebody this weekend because for and it's same with phone calls but it's even more text, if I text someone and they don't respond, or if they text me and I text them back and then they don't respond, it drives me bananas. And I got

mad at someone. Oh, we got a call coming in. I'll finish this later. There we go. What's happening? Joey Coco, please. Who's this? Nick DeToro. Oh, shit. What's happening, little brother? All right, my man. I'm out on the field. Encino.

You sound like three Puerto Ricans are chasing. Yeah, I like it. I am, man. So you coached two out there. Nick? I'm a Puerto Rican and my family. Why? You coach also out there, brother? I coach, baby. I coach. I'm coaching. I can't even say it too loud right now. What a lesbian attorney. Freaking brilliant. The dynamic between me and her and the kids. It might be better than modern family.

And how's the team doing? Is it the team? The team is doing great. They love me and they hate her. What's your record? We're a second seed. We start the playoffs tomorrow. And we're the jankies, too. So, but you got to see me. to coach third man I'm electric at third electric I'm like a master out there and how old

are the kids you coach I'm my son's age my son's on a team 13 14 but I mean I've always been a helper but this year I'm actually the coach I was supposed to be the manager but I let Cheryl be the manager she's a control freak that's the name Cheryl

see what's going on my man you were in Montana over the weekend right you were Montana over the weekend? Yeah, I was in Missoula, Montana where the Shadow River runs through it. All these beautiful rivers, all this nature. I got to tell you, man, this country, you don't realize.

I'm from New York. You're from where, Miami? No, stop. On the fucking Jersey. You think that's the whole world. I'm out here in stupid L.A. But, you know, I'm not there with the nature. People are nice.

Rivers flowing everywhere. And I'm like, wow, this country is beautiful. It's really beautiful, man. Wow. You don't realize what a country, you know, the Wild West, man. Hamburgers, you never ate in your life. Good beef, good water, fresh air. A little crazy independent movie, but it's good to do those

because it gives you a perspective on, you know, what it's when you're hungry. You're out of breath, dog. You're emotional. Yeah, nah, man, the altitude. I'm on the field. I'm swinging the bat. I'm breaking a sweat.

This is my therapy, man. You know, if I wasn't an actor, I probably like to work in baseball on some level. I can't get enough of it. But the game itself has gotten very boring. It's too commercial. They like entertainers. You know, I mean, I met this guy Alex Rios lately.

Tell you a funny story. I met him in Orange County. Couldn't believe how big his hand was, man. I go, I go, you're a burrito, right? He goes, yeah. I do a baseball player, Alex Rios. He goes, yeah. Shakes my hand, his hand.

was so huge. I couldn't believe how big it was and how strong it was. You know, I was just like, wow, I couldn't let go over his hand. I was thinking, man, if his hand is that big, imagine his finger. You know, I mean, but it was some hand. I was like, I mean, those guys are so big. They're so strong. So imagine when they take the juice and the steroids.

Then they're like fucking Superman. You know, it's incredible. It's fucking crazy. How are your Yankees doing this year? We're doing great. We're doing great with nobody. A-Rodd is hurt, Jeter's hurt, DeSherr, all these guys, Grandison. They pick up Lyle Overbay, who's dynamite at first.

Vernon Wells, who everybody thought was done, who was an all-star. He got rejuvenized putting on the pinstripes. Travis Hafner, who was always a kind of a blue-collar grungy player from Cleveland. I've got to tell you, man, and they're winning. They're in first place. What I like about it is no superstars. You know, I think Girardi is actually better suited to a manager team like this, you know. I mean, because they were kind of a flawed team that just hit home runs.

Now they're winning different ways. Now they're actually winning games, you know, playing small ball, playing baseball, not just the stupid rinky think. But what I really hate, I really despise is that new stadium. I can't stomach it. I don't even like going there. And I love the Yankees. The whole Yankee Stadium experience is now like going to the, you know,

Topanga Mall. I don't like it. It's too sterile. They tore down something beautiful, something sacred. And, you know, I just, it's sad, man. It's sad that they did that. And now it's gone. It'll never be the shame.

It'll never, never have that feeling walking in the building. You know, it's like when you go home and you walk into your house, you go, I'm home, right, brother? I'm home. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? At least I could go to Fenway. Have you been...

I got a Boston Red Sox fan. How are the Red Sox looking this year? I don't know. We started off great. Then we lost like 10 in a row so we lost. But I think we've been doing okay recently. Oh, shit. They're doing good, dude.

They still Overbay from us. We let Overbay go and he goes to you and he starts eating home runs. You guys dumped them. I know. We dumped him. I know. Is Euclis doing okay? Or is he done?

Eucalus is hurt. Oh, okay, of course. Euclis is a Red Sox. But there are some players that just embodied it. Like if you look at Eucolus, he was probably born a Red Sox. When he was born, he was born with a Red So he's got a Red Sox face. He's got a Red Sox name. It's like Wade Barr's when he was a Yankee.

He's a Red Sox. He's a Red Sox. He's not a Yankee? I'm only 24. So see, I never, I'm 24. I only knew Clemens as a Yankee. So like... But I'm telling you, that's not who Clemens was.

Clemens is a Red Sox. They're trying to learn how to bunt right now while I'm talking to you. Just like the bat, the ball hit the back. What's going on with Blue Bloods? Blue Bloods are still going. You know, it's still, it's going in its fourth year. First two years, it did a lot of shows. Got a very popular character, Sergeant Anthony Renzuli.

And this year, you know, he had a new partner, so it's kind of in and out of the show. Then they killed his partner at the end. And I kind of, you know, still alive in the show. with a great character. You know, hopefully next year, maybe they'll try to find more of a main place for me, because people love the character. He's kind of an old-school cop with a sense of humor. I think it could actually be a spinoff with this guy Renzuli, you know,

because he's kind of like he's a guy that you can relate to. You know, he's been around the block. It's like almost like a Colombo type of character. And that's what I'm looking to do. I'm looking to do something that's dramatic and comedic. I mean, you know, it's been a good show, and it's been nice to be a part of it. I mean, I was part of NYPD Blue years ago, and that was brilliant. Well, when you're on a hit show, it's weird because it's on a Friday night, and it's great numbers.

A lot of old people love it, you know. You know, Donnie Wahlberg, awesome guy. Will S.D.'s, the guy I work with, great. Tom Selleck, class act. I mean, you know, I've had a blast. What about Tom Brady's ex-wife? How bad to the bone is she? I love to sniff her fucking feet, you know what I'm saying?

Who, who's that? The chick on the show, the daughter. Oh, the daughter, oh, you want to hear? Oh, I love her. That's your type. I love her. I love her. I love her. I would sniff her fucking feces. Irish. Freckles. Irish, men, it's right up your alley.

Oh, I love Irish women. Love white, dirty Irish women. Got hit in the head with a ball of vodka once in that life. You like that white? You like that white bright thing? Oh, I like it. I like it. I like it. I like Filipinos, too. Dog, I've been seeing some hot little fucking Filipinos. One yesterday. One yesterday, right up your alley. White with blonde. I had to take her out in the scene. I had to like take this warming down and fucking steal a purse.

I was like, I was so, you know, you know, I was so gentle with her. But at the same time, I was like, all right,

here we go. Action. Can I fucking throw her ass down. And, you know, listen, man, everything is okay.

I mean, I'm just, I'm trying to make a few other things. I'm trying to direct this movie called, Bless Me, father. I might be getting the money

is something I've been trying to do for years, coming of age story, about a kid growing up, the crazy dad and his brother. It's a, could be a wallop of a movie, kind of along the lines of a Bronx tale,

but, you know, I'm ready to direct, I'm ready to do something, challenge myself a little bit, because, you know, none of these guys got anything on me. I've been, like I came in and went and did this independent movie, and the guy said to me yesterday,

he goes, man, I gotta tell you, you know, you made my script, you know, he made my part way better. And I, like, I go, listen, that's what I do. I come in, and I try to elevate that shit. It's just like, whatever I do, when you do something, You've got to come in and bring something.

When we belong in shot, my part was nothing on paper. It was shit. And before you know it, Sandler said, hey, let the Toro say that. Let them say this. Because I came in with a character. You've got to come in prepared. You've got to come in. I don't care if you're in one scene or ten scenes.

Same thing with anything. I never fucking walked through it. I don't care. When I'm on the camera, that's my fucking face. You understand? I don't fuck around. Between the lines, I don't fuck around. It's the same thing with baseball.

I'm coaching. I'm coming with it. And I'm always going to hit a home run. I'll strike out sometimes. But I don't fucking phone it in. You know what I mean? A lot of guys, you know, I see the difference. That's why when I'm on the footage, I can elevate people.

You know, this actor I was working with, I brought him up. I brought his ass up, you know? But that's what it's about. It's not just about me. It's about the team, being a team player. You're a fucking savage. You're inspiring these motherfuckers today. These motherfuckers don't know.

So I went to Newark. Joey Coco. When I went to New York to watch the UFC to do comedy, I bumped into Michael Irvin at the UFC, and I was going to have him call in today. We're going to have a fucking three-way little family reunion here. He's M-I-A. He's fucking M-I-A. Michael, man.

I remember Michael, man, when he was doing a scene one time. He wasn't feeling it in the football huddle. He goes to me, Nick, Nikki, I don't feel it. I said, Mike, you're a professional football player. You've been there. You know what the fuck this means? Come on, do it again. He does it again.

He goes, man, you're a pro, baby. I felt it. I felt it. Now we're talking, Mikey. Now we're fucking talking. I'm going to hit Goldberg up to do it too. We're going to come up on the tour. No, next year we're coming on the 10th anniversary of shooting that movie.

So I'm going to try to get Goldberg out. Yeah, next. We shot that in 2004. You know what that movie? I know it was a remake. You would think that Sandler and those guys would have thought, let's do a part two. They do these part two.

So these other movies that are kind of like, you know, and that people love that movie they love it maybe it's not possible but you know imagine the long these guys get out of prison or whatever shit man because people what would you be doing right now what would you be doing right now if you got out of prison

four years ago what would you be doing right now now who me oh that could be funny brucey my fucking brucey could be I don't know he could be teaching physical education I don't know you'd be doing something with kids that it would be really funny fucking brucey goes back to school or some shit, you know what I mean?

Bruce gets a degree. I mean, Bruce he could be doing anything. How are your kids, Nick? How are your kids? They're good. They're good. And you have two children, correct? He's so talented.

He's playing. He's on this team. He's good baseball player. But, man, he's getting a lot of commercial work. Kids got charisma. He's got talent. You know, my daughter, unbelievable songwriter, Apollonia.

My wife is managing him. son and she's like you know sending them out she's like a homemade manager she gets the breakdowns so it's busy man you know they're busy i can't keep up with these kids today it's a different world joe it's a different world brother you know we're 50 we're 50 nick oh what we're 50 that's it 51 man i'm 51 yeah this is this is this is a different we gotta get our sleep you got to drink your water you got do your jumping jack you got to eat apples i got you got a shit you got to you got to do a lot of things you know i want to stick around but you know you know know, man, very stress-related.

I get crazy. I yell and scream. You know, I got to watch my weight a little bit. I'm trying to get in better shape. I'm trying to exercise, you know, as I'm trying to be as, you know, active as I could be. Because, you know, I mean, there's this life, you know, there's no guarantee, man. You know, as you get older, you get vulnerable. You start thinking about your life and you go, what happened?

What did I do? I did so much shit, but you can't remember it. I did so much shit in my life. And I'm like, I can't fucking remember. and that's what scares me. I'm like, wow, I wish I could remember. You know what you remember? Your childhood.

That's what you remember. I went back to my mother's house a day. Some lady fixed it up, man. I'm like, that was my life, man. That was my freaking life. I was like, I was in that driveway, and my wife's like, you're trespassing. I'm like, shut the fuck up.

I'm trespassing. I fucking grew up here. You think I'd give a shit if I'm trespassing? Fuck that. You know? I go to my mom. mother's house all the time when I'm in Jersey. I drive over and I just pull up in the

driveway. I walk in front of it. I walk up the stairs and I feel where I grew up. What stairs? You feel it, right? I sat there. I sat there and made out with a girl. I'm not proud of the girl I made out with there. She's about 900 pounds today. But I But Lily, you want to finish

this last little turd? No, I've smoked too much today. What's I say to you? So when I go... Who's your friend's name? What's your friend's name? My name is Lee. His name is Lee Syatt, aka the Flying Jew, one of the baddest motherfuckers you'll ever meet. We've been working together for about two years now, and he's a fucking Annie Mali. He's just Jewish.

He's a bad motherfucker. Joey Coco is a good man. They should put us on TV, man. Me and him would be a... I was telling him, we would be a blast together. I'd watch it. You know what I mean? We're going to try to do a podcast in the garage with animals and people getting stabbed and shit.

I'm telling you. We're going to try to take this puppy up. You know what I mean? We give these people all fuck. What are you got to do is put this. the camera on us, man. People would go wild. Imagine the shit we could talk about. We have a little audience, 20 people

in a garage. When you guys were on set, when you guys were on set for the longest yard... And I give you the audience. Kids, kids would go crazy for us. 14-year-old kids, Joey. I love them. I love that age. That's a good age. That's the age where you can fucking take them somewhere. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, like that movie Django.

You know, it's like, you know, that movie's made for them. You could take them into different fucking waters here. What were you asking? When you guys were on set for the longest yard, where Joey gave me edibles today. Did Joey, like, go around to the trailers, like, here, eat this, and then we're, like, for the scenes. No, we were just smoking pot.

I just smoked pot. No, Joey was getting high. Joey was getting high, and Joey was smoking pot. Like a motherfucker. I was telling Joey, don't do that. You know, one day I'll tell you a funny story. They wrapped us. Like, you know, they get done for the day.

Yeah. And then, and then, you know, we were done early. And then I'm getting the call, and I'm going up to, like, the hot springs. We're in Santa Fe. And they're like, hey, guys, we're unwrapping us. Joey calls me. He goes, man, they're calling us back. Damn rapists.

He goes, what are you going to do? I go, I'm going back. I go, I'm going back. I don't know what you're doing. You know what I mean? So, um... I didn't go back. So anyway, you know, so he doesn't go back.

And then I go back and he rap me again. But I'm like, I'm like, you know, Joe, man, you can't just be smoking pot with Nelly and shit. You got to come back and do it like that. Fuck the. They had wrapped us one day. And talking about biggie smalls and shit. Oh, they wrap.

He was great. Who the fuck is this? Page of me at 546 in the morning. Rapper Dawning. We had a good time, Nick. We had a good time on that. We had a blast. It's one of the best times I think I've ever had.

Just hanging around Bert Reynolds. Just fucking being around Burr Reynolds, man. Uncle Bert. I just loved being in the footage with him. He was like, man, you're good, brother. You got it. You think so, Uncle Bert? I'm like, man, I said, if you think so, man, you're the man.

You're the man. You guys want to tell him to the team, man. Say hello to the team. Yeah, yeah, let's say one. Say you on speaker, man. Let's do it. What's the name in the... Joey Cole.

Hey, guys, come here, man. Freaking 20 guys. What's up, Nick, Nick in the house! Yeah. You little savages, I love you. I hear you guys are going to win it all this year. I'm proud of you. Yeah.

Get on that bus. I love you, Nick. Nick, Nick, Nick. Nick, I love you, buddy. Thank you for doing what you're doing, my man. Yeah. I'm about that jokes, man. Tell me about the church.

What church? It's a church or what's happening now. The best crazy podcast out there. Listen when you're by yourself. You might learn something, you little savages. I love you. That's big Tony, the big bad gang along the show. I love you.

Thank you for calling in today, brother. We'll talk during the week. I'll call you tomorrow. Thank you again. Stay black. Listen when you're by yourself. Lee Leland, you bad motherfucker. How are you feeling?

I'm fucked up. You're surviving. You drank. Come on, get dressed. We're going to go eat breakfast now. I'm not going nowhere. We're going to get some spaghetti in the meat the balls. We're going to get some stamenca juice.

Spaghetti in the meat the balls. What's going on? So, like I told you, the show is brought by Hulu, but our fucking other sponsors that we love with all our and I love Aubrey. Because he's doing a great job and I'm back on it. You know, is on it. Go to Onet.com. If anything, get yourself these little chocolate bars, these hemp force protein bars. It's delicious.

Get the protein powder The best chocolate you've ever tasted in your life. Fuck Valentine's Day. And it's promo code Church. You didn't say that before.

So. Yeah, when you go to Honest, they know the press Church. Not Joey lowercase. Church, C-H-U-R-C-S-H. C-H-U-R-C-H. That's how you spell, Church.

Anyway, it's a beautiful day to be alive. I'm happy you guys tuned in. Don't forget. Do me a solid. Tomorrow. $1.99. Testicle fucking testament.

On iTunes. Don't get no better than that. It's the last of the chapters I gave If you get all five for ten bucks You got ten fucking hours That's a dollar of fucking hour Stories murders choking people strangling How I got into comedy prison, kidnappings

How I didn't kill my fucking ex-wife Beautiful fucking stories Family type shit Oh no $90 fucking 9 Wednesday 626 577 1894 Again for you people That are deaf

626 577 1894 You're saying Joey What's that number? That's the number to the motherfucker Ice House. Oh, shit. All right?

That's the number to the motherfucker and ice house. Wednesday, we're going to get down this week. We have two fucking great guests. I'm raffling off a fucking couple t-shirts. We're going to have Riefer, Lee's going to eat a fucking hole one of these.

No, no. Because things are going to be worked up after today. And that's how we do it, motherfucker's the church of what's happening now. Coming at you, a special memorial of these. Like, Joey, but today it was kind of weird. It was weird, but who gives a fuck.

It wasn't weird. It wasn't fucking weird. It was that I was high and so was Lee. But it's your day to shine, bitches. It's a beautiful day to be, even if it's Memorial Day. So what? Today, whenever he's eating a cheeseburger, you're only going to eat one without a bun on it.

Instead of smoking 18 cigarettes today, you're going to smoke three. Instead of doing an eight ball of Coke, you're only going to do three or four lines. You're watching, but it all starts today, motherfucker. Don't just sit there and stand me down like I'm the motherfucking bad guy. You know what I'm the fucking bad guy. Constantine, I see you, Cocksucker.

The water box. Listen, water boxer, get it together. Lee can't go down until about July of fucking August until the water warms up. He's trying to get in shape. Lee, take your shirt off. I'm not taking my shirt off. Take a shirt off.

Give him a fucking crab. Nah, I'm not in a diet. You've been doing push-ups? No. You've been swimming in the water? Yeah. Go in front of the TV. Put I Dream a genie and wiggle for it.

What was the last time you wiggle for these people? I wiggle every week, but not for I Dream a Jeannie. But what song? I don't know how you like to make fun of me. You're like... I'm not making fun of nobody. Do you like to make someone to wiggle the I Dream of Jeannie. I'm not making fun of a bit.

You told me once you like to wiggle. No, I don't. You told me about two months ago. You're like, I like it when you say wiggle for me. No, I don't. I said they like it. What music do you like? What music would make you feel better about wiggles?

Tupac, Biggie, some disco. Like, let me play some, like, rap. Like, if you listen to recent rap? What about those Jews that jump up and down? I love that shit. Did you wiggle to that? It's not where you don't wiggle to that. You jump up and down.

Well, all right, put the Jews music and jump up and down first. Let's do that. Let's do that. I'll be satisfied. I'm going to jump up and down. Go on one time. I want to see how you do it. I want to go to one of these concerts with you.

I love this. I want to know how to act. Fine. I can't believe I can type. You're a soldier. Can't fucking type. I can't. All right, let me say you jump up in that.

Come on, you got the reframing here. I take it forward to me. Like Liberata. It ain't real. Let me say you're going to. No, not in front of me. We're at the concert. Turn the lights down.

Oh, Jesus. Let's go. Let me say you bounce. Oh, God, I hate you. Let's go. If right now you were here and actually was with you I'm fucking gently like there's a fucking car That's the camera hit the camera

Come on, go Go, go I hate you so much That's it How long do you do that for? For hours Alright but keep going We're here, I'm here with you

Come on kick jump What are you sitting down for? You're not in fucking constant shape Come on, let's go You're gonna fucking laugh for 18 hours I'm not laughing with you I got a head bar, come on, go. Are you fucking retarded?

I'm what you fucking high. 18 hours? I love it, yeah. 18 hours you jump up and down for it. Yeah, fuck, I'm high. That's not a good thing to do when you're high. You said, I got to do with this kid. I'm going to touch.

Shoot, we're taking a much of a 170 by Sherman. Take me up. Oh, God. And you can't jump for more than a minute. What are you going to do? No, I can't. I just can't jump. I'll jump with you.

You're what you got to see? I can't. Just close your eyes and jump. Like, Michael George, just close your eyes, Cuck sucker. People think, like, whenever they make fun of me, like, oh, you can't handle an edible. It's not the edible, you make it home. This is a fucking Tootsie Roll Pop that's been condensed by scientists like eight times.

You're like, have, half, half, I had two. What fucking scientists? This is three fucking black dudes up in Stockton. No, it's not. Yes, it is. No, it's not. You think Chibo stands for, black power, one African. That's a Chinese word.

That's an Asian word. What the fuck. Oh, God. You see what I'm dealing with people? You say I'm trying to fucking convert motherfucking. one of the time into the church or what's happening now. You don't want to jump to the fucking Jew.

You don't want to jump to the Jews. I jump to the Jews. You got to jump to the fucking Jews. I love you guys. Have a great memorial day. Light a candle. Say a prayer for the spirits. Get your day together.

Spend it with your family. Whoever cares for you, whoever you fucking care for. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Thank you for listening. We're doing Wednesday at 9 a.m. Then we're at the fucking ice house with a live podcast. I'm going to eat.

I'm not even eating. I'm going to go now. I got the kids. I had my wife. We're going to go to a movie today. We got a babysitter. I tell you that. We're going to have a date afternoon. All right. We're going to see. We're going to go see something at the Lemley. Mud?

I don't know what that is. I don't know. My wife wants to go see it. You know, she's the boss. I got to Mexico. I forgot to see the camera again, you fucking son of a bitch. What camera? The closer one to you. You get me so stone. I'm just sitting there and shout out of the side of us. What am I going to do with you? You're going to stop

giving me cheap a shoes. You see what I'm saying? You can't win with you. All right. I love you, motherfuckers, poor kids high, I'm not to... Paul accidentally no, she's asleep. To lay down next you and your finger bang her and then she won't know. You tell you how. What do you mean she won't know? What was the last time you fingered?

Her? Yeah. Four years ago? Did you sniff your finger? You just washed your hand without a sniff. I'll probably sniff and I don't remember. I put the music on. I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great day with your family. Is Sabbath, bloody Sabbath good?

Whatever you want. You're the captain of the Enterprise. Okay, now that the show's Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus and start watching your favorite hit shows right now. Go to JoeyDias.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial or go to who. Oh God. Go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. Again, click the Huluplus banner on joeydias.net or go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. You get two free weeks.

You get Joey laughing at you all the time. But in all, like, in all seriousness, I love it. I got to get a shout out. I got to my main man right here, fucking 360 faith. This motherfucker put best church every. Get jumping at least. How can you be a flying Jew if you ain't airborne, which he's right? Put the music on.

End the show, you're jumping up and down. Come on. Put the Jews back on. No, no, no. Forget Sabbath. What? The Jews. You got to end the shit.

You got to do another song in there? Yeah, you got to sing this. You got to close up with the Jews. Don't fucking stop. Just keep jumping. I'm not going to laugh. I'm not back this shit. These people want to see you.

Let me look at my phone and find a fucking song. Give me two seconds. This is what I deal with people. You fucking peas and shit. I'm trying to... Let's see, what's a good song? So you listen to this in your iPhone?

Yeah. When you're driving? Sometimes. Do you jump up and down the car? How do you act? I know. I do the head thing. I don't know.

I don't know. Let's do... Oh, this one has words in it. Let's do it. Let's do it. I'm so fucking stone. I need to do this to me. Come on, Guy. Get it together.

All right, you're slipping. I'm a motherfucker. And what a box. He's coming in July with a bikini on. You put some SPF on them. It'll be all aerodynamic. Five seconds. God.

This is what I got to deal with. Jesus Christ. This is what you're going to deal with. Breathe. You got to get ready. You got to pump up. This is one that has words in it. All right.

You're going to sing the words? I don't know. You can't make me do this. But you can't jump on me down to this. No. You got to get the one with the. Five, you know, like this one. Like when they're lighting fires, you know what I'm saying?

When Jews are light and fires, they're excited. There you go. Come on, let's go. What, what do you want? Let's go, jump. Let's go, jump, Doc Second. 10. Let's go, you gotta come up.

Oh! Smoke everywhere from all the week. It's on the storm. There's a killer on the world. Here you go to it. What? His name is Lee Lee, Lee Lee Lee. Lee Lee.

Let's all these. Jump up with the heaves. Go Lee.