The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 05/29/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #84

Episode Date: May 30, 2013

MMA fighter Jon Fitch calls in to talk about his upcoming fight. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com Use promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 05/29/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, S&L, and more. Right now, my listeners can get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Oh shit. Oh shit. Mother fucking Wednesday, May 29th.

The church of what's happening now. It's all about you, motherfucker. It's Wednesday. Get up. Coffee. Hit it! Is it a song? Are you kidding me or what? Un-fucking believe. Get that coffee.

Some jumping jack. A couple push-ups. Write your goals. Wash your balls. Put some powder on them. It's going to be a hot one until they're no matter what the fuck yet. Be positive. Pussy, bring some toothpicks with you to work. If you want to eat pussy, you got to bring the fucking toothpicks in your pocket.

It's positive reinforcement. You know what I'm saying? Why you bring toothpicks? Are you going to stab them? No, to pick the fucking pubies out of your teeth, you filthy fuck? I thought you wanted them there. I want half them there and the other half you want to take out. Some people don't like fucking hair on their teeth.

I'm just dropping it while it's hot. What's up, my little Jewish friend? Nothing. I'm excited for tonight. This is my favorite night of the month. I fucking love it. I really know. I know. I love it, too.

I love being. You know why? We're around these fucking savages. They come out. It's a debt squad fucking night. People got acid. How many edibles are you going to eat tonight? Tell the people. How many do you think? There's going to be a 9-1-1 on fucking staff. We got an ambulance on staff. I have two cabs already called. If you bring an edible, I'll eat it. No, it's not my edible, but people are fucking already calling. I don't know if it's sold out. There was a few tickets left yesterday. You got the extra microphone. We got a great show. Come on. I like the live one.

Bro, listen. It's getting to the point where I used to do comedy. I didn't like fucking doing comedy years ago. Now I know I'm going to meet somebody interesting. I'm going to see somebody from Twitter. I'm going to see somebody that tortures me on Facebook or Twitter. Yeah. And it makes the night, oh, fuck, that's you.

Yeah. Oh, fuck you. So it's always a lot fucking better. You know what's up with you, baby? You're looking good. mind, you recover from that edible? Oh, Jesus. Invasion.

I knew it was going to be bad, so I just jumped right in bed. Was it bad? No, no, it's not. This one wasn't bad because I fucking ate a lot before. You ate? Yeah, that's a thing. But it still didn't go away until, like, the next day. Like, I slept all day, all night, and I woke up and my legs were still tingling. That's a good feeling when you wake up and your legs are tingling. You know what I'm saying?

What can you do that your legs are tingling? You know what I'm saying? I have no idea what you're saying, but not... You know what I'm fucking saying, cock, sucker. No, but I loved it, so... I called you. I woke you up. You sounded good. You didn't scare me. Usually I call you, and you're all whispering on the phone.

I'm whispering. I don't know what I'm going to do. Get the fuck up, cocksucker. You got an edible in you. Go drink some bat juice and make it happen. It's funny. When I first call you, when I'll talk to, like, around two or something, and you're all happy, you're all up. Maybe around six, we'll talk.

And then if I talk to you, like, past nine o'clock, it's the like you can barely form words that's what happens after six edibles and 18 joints during the day

by 6.30 all the world's meat like after Diane saw you all the girls meet and my fucking head almost blows up and I'm stoned and I just sit there

but I went out I got fucking pissed off last nightly what happened I missed off two times first off I went to kickboxing later we're all fucking there

to go to kickboxing yeah for me to the best part of my day is when I leave you now because I go home I watch a little Sponge Bob, my daughter, who lives in a pineapple, the bottom of the scenes.

SpongeBob, square pants. That's my episode and shit. About 10 to 9, we get the fuck out of there. We go for a little walk to about 10.30. Then my girl comes over, and I get to do my day. But I like those two hours. It's just a little exercise. I probably walk around three miles, which I feel good.

It's good for my circulation. It's good for my heart. But I wanted to kickbox last night. I went it all day. I was a little tuned up. They're doing construction on Burbank Boulevard. They're fucking tearing it up. Oh, they're still going.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So I went there. I'm in, it's 8.30. I'm already warmed up. We're going through the first set of fucking drills. The guy comes in and there goes to ticket ladies out there. And she's going to give tickets to people all along the parking against the wall.

I was one of them. I went out there for fucking 15 minutes going to find a parking spot. You know, I went down there for nothing. I was pissed. I went home. And then I got dressed and I sat there. My friend said he was doing a late show of flappers. So I went down to flappers just to watch the show, you know, just to get out of my head.

I was going to be home by 11. He was doing like the 10-30 show or something. I hadn't seen them in a while. I took a down to flappers. I remember I got on the flappers and you get bombarded by these fucking comics that I knew 20 years ago, you know, when I first moved here.

You know, and we both had the same paths at the comedy storm. One day they just frizzled out. Like, I didn't see them anymore, and God the fuck knows it. And you see these people, and you drive back from flappers on Magnolia Boulevard, you know,

and it's really empty at night. It's fucking like, You could do 100 on Magnolia. And I always think about, like, when people come out to me and I feel bad, like, they make me feel bad because I stuck with this. What do you mean? Like, what do they say to you? They make, like, a little comment, you know, like, yeah, I got a day job now.

We all can't be like you or something, you know, like just little. Is it like we all can't get on that podcast? There's like, people are like. And it's like, you know what, guys, I work fucking hard. I was fucked up for 20 years. but I always stuck with this, you know. No matter how broke I was or hungover or coked up or not having coke or because I would never go on stage,

I always got on stage. I always knew that as long as I got on stage, everything was going to be okay. I would stay on course. That's what I'm trying to say, you know. And a lot of people, they let shit drift. You know, something happens in their life and they forget about the fucking course.

Yeah. They forget about the main fucking course, you know. So now I'm supposed to feel bad. You know, like, I'm supposed to feel bad, like, you know, and they'll call. Like, I won't see him for seven or eight years, and then I'll bump into them, and it'll be nice to bump into them, and then I'll give them my number, and then it's three calls about, you know, road work or whatever the fuck. You know, you've made yourself irrelevant in this business or whatever business you created.

And now you look at the people who've worked, because nobody gave me nothing. I'm not good-looking. I'm dirty, you know, I'm fat. There's nothing for people to want to put me on that. and be fucking see. But I always believed in myself and I kept getting on stage, but now they make you feel bad.

Yeah, I get a lot. People are like, not everyone can go to a college or not everyone can just move out to L.A. And people, like, people don't see that I'm working 80 hours a week or that I have $80,000 in college debt that I'm paying off every month. Like, people, I think when people see that you're doing something good,

it's easier for them to just shoot it down and they think, like, it's given to you. But very few people get stuff given. to them. It's mostly just out of hard work. You know, for some reason, my phone doesn't ring like at used anymore. Ten years ago, I would take a thousand calls a day,

and we would make plans with the comics, and then it started drifting. Like, people got to drift that, you know what, man, I didn't want to hear about your bad luck anymore. We all have fucking bad luck, but there's only one way to do this, and that's to get on course and stay on it, and you survive through the bad luck. You're going to have fucking bad

luck, so get ready for it, but you know that no matter what happens, you pay me. You still got to get on stage. Well, fuck you pay me. You still got... You know, I went to... It's really funny. I'm really getting a kick out of going to Jiu-Jitsu. Something I never wanted to go to. I'm really getting a kick from it because

first off, last Friday, I went to the class, and everybody scared me out of that black belt class. There's a black belt who owns the school, who teaches on Mondays. Okay. And Fridays, he's a John Jock Machado black belt. And everybody said, you know, he had this thing called Marcello Madness where they kill you and they do. You have to do 40 fucking squat thrust.

And then clap at the end and run a sprint. Wow. Oh, yeah. This ain't fucking, I couldn't even do one squat thrust. You know, in college, I used to do squat thrust every night. They were my favorite fucking exercise. I would do a line of coke and do 100 fucking squat thrust. The dog would just stare and look at me.

I loved them. Burpees, whatever people call. I can't do one. I'm too heavy to control. My shoulders hurt when I drop down. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's just too much fucking pain on my shoulders, you know. But I went and I did one burpee.

I did the sit-ups. I did the push-ups. I ran, you know. And he said a story how, you know, I don't go to Jujitsu to be Joe Lozahn. I'm 50 fucking years old. I'm in no danger. I go to Jiu-Jitsu to overcome one of my fears. You know, I hate fucking rolling on my back because I have sleep apnea.

That's the bottom line. I have sleep at me, so it's tough to fucking breathe. Even when you're awake? Oh, yeah, even when I'm awake. Sometimes if I get on my back and I'm not prepared and I don't breathe right and I stop breathing, I get on my back. I'm behind the fucking eight ball. But no, I have to.

to do this. It's like I'm scared of needles. You know how many needles? Dr. Amy putting me yesterday? There was one point. There was one point I was sitting there, right? And I went to adjust something, and I looked at... I had fucking three needles sticking out of my arm, flapping, like the wind. And a deep one over here, like, I can feel...

Every time I turn my hand, I can feel it on the muscle and shit like that. Jesus. You know, you think I I want to sit through that shit? I feel a lot, that's why I'm so tired for that because I drank a ton of water last night, but I only got five hours of sleep. But what were talking about? Oh, Marcelo. And after the class, he told the story. He goes, Listen, bro.

When I first came to Jitsu, I used to get anxiety. I used to get panic attacks and being on the bottom. So I went home and started sleeping with a mattress on top of me. Jesus. Just to put pressure on top of me all night. And he goes, I'd have another person. He goes, I started putting another mattress on top of there. Then I started asking my wife and my brother to sleep on top of that fucking mattress

just to make yourself overcome that fear. Yeah. You know, and you know, like when you listen to music and you think they're talking to you, like it was the same way. I thought he was talking to me. And he said, don't fucking give up. You know, don't give up. And it's so weird that it's easy for me now.

It's easy for me to go to Jiu-Jitsu and get beat up for fucking 10 years. He said he was a white belt for two years. He says he was a fucking blue belt for seven years. And then he was a brown, a purple belt for like two years, and he got a brown belt for two years. But he was stuck in blue belt, whatever. And you're not going for the belt. You don't care what?

I could care less. The only belt I'm going for it for breathing. But it's so funny how a lot of people would have quit. Yeah. It's so much easier to quit. guys, I used to quit it everything when I was a kid. Comedy was the... Comedy, Coke, and crime was the first shit I ever stuck with.

You know, and I would have stuck with the crime. I was pretty good at being a criminal. It just, you know, you throw your odds against the war, you're going to end up in prison. There's no Chinese food in prison. There's no Chinese food. There's no chopsticks. You can't get it.

There's no fucking, you know what I'm saying? So, forget it. I'm not going to fuck in prison. But it's so weird how when I bump into these people, I want to grab them and go, you know what? You fucked up. Yeah. Now you got to start from...

fucking scratch and it sucks dick, but there's a way for you to start from scratch. And you gotta keep going when stuff gets bad, because like I've told this story before, but right before you and I started working together two years ago, I applied to Best Buy Domino's and I had an interview. The day we first met, I had an interview at a call collection center because I hadn't heard back from Best Buy in the Pizza Place as a college graduate because I wasn't making enough money to pay my rent. And it's, I got, people always tell me I'm lucky to work with you and I am but I was like I was trying

to do stuff and I was ready when you said what are your ideas I had ideas and I had stuff going on so even when stuff is shitty you can't stop because stuff is going to come up listen man Cheryl Crow on the second album says something don't stop to the miracle if you quit

the miracle you won't watch the miracle happen listen just stick it out I'm telling you it no matter every time I go to kickboxing I can't fucking breathe you know in November in December I'd say to myself, just stick it out. Keep coming back another day. And when you do the first 30 minutes, once

once you do the first 10 minutes, you're gone. That's it. Once you look at the clock and it says 620 or you're 20 minutes in, no matter all those drills and shit, you're past them. So now you put your mitts on or whatever. Same thing happens when I go do the eupiliptical, whatever the fucking epileptic. You know, you get on that motherfucker the first

day, you two minutes. I remember Lee, after the longest yard. I'm doing fucking, A gram of Coke a day. I'm eating like a fucking gorilla. Jesus. You know, I'm smoking three packs of cigarettes a day. That's if I didn't do coke.

If I was doing coke, I'd stop and get a two pack of Camelites. Okay. And smoke both packs of cigarettes from 11 o'clock at night to 5 in the morning. Jesus Christ. This is terrible. This was a terrible disease I had going on. And then I'd sleep five hours a fucking night, you know, which makes it worse. And I eat like a fucking animal, nothing good, no carrots, no salads, no salads, no fuzzles.

fucking water. I didn't drink water than at all. Yeah. I only drank water when I eat Chinese food. That cold glass they gave you with the ice cream. You take the straw out of the coke and put it in the water and drink that real fucking cake. It's just fucking amazingly.

I was 418 pounds and one day I realized that I crossed the street from my house there was a YMCA. And for years I knew there was a YMCA and I would cross the street out of guilt. It was like a fucking, you know like when you see a religious cult you don't like. When I was a kid, they'd be like weird things on certain blocks,

and you cross the fucking street. Wait, normally you're popping the microphone. You cross the fucking street over because you want to avoid those people. Yeah, yeah. That's the way it was for me. I would avoid the YMCA. Like, I wouldn't even make believe there was a Y there. Yeah.

And I finally walked in there one day, Lee, and they had this coaches program where if you sign up the first four times, they put you together with a little coach. And he gives you an exercise program. But the first thing he has to do is evaluate you. Yeah. and see where you're at. So he runs you on the cardio thing.

Yeah. Lee, after three minutes, he told me to get off. I couldn't even walk three minutes on the fucking... That's a true story. Oh, wow. When I first got on the fucking treadmill, ladies and gentlemen, in 2006, I could not even make three minutes

without stopping and getting off. At 1.5. Never mind now, I get on it, it's 3.8 or something like that. At that day, I would put it on at 1.5, too, and I couldn't walk three fucking minutes. And now you're doing the Dolceides sprints. Oh, I can't do those no more. My fucking left me.

But I'm going to tell you something. And we're going to talk about this right now. I did some research on the strong bone. I really liked it. I was very impressed with the strong bone when I first did. I didn't know if it was the fucking that I was used to working out. I'm a fat fuck, man. We all are.

And you try to work out. And we want to want you to get yourself hurt. And that staggers your fucking workout thing. Yeah, probably. So that's why I always tell people to fuck. can warm up, warm up your knees, warm up your elbows, do a few jumping jacks. Lee, you didn't do no jumping jacks later, but he did enough to you a day.

That's why I love him. No, you love him. I love him, too. I love doing jumping. Something about jumping jacks. And what are we talking about? Strongbone. Strong bone. And I read it something with my line through something like that. Now you guys are saying, Joey, it's your fucking sponsoring. You don't know what's in fucking strong bone.

I can sit here with a piece of paper and pen and lie either. I don't know what the fuck's in it. I know what the fuck's in it. I know it fucking works. It's like cocaine. You do a line of coke. You know what the fuck's in it. Next thing you know, you're looking out windows, your jaw's going from side to side. You're having a good time, you know? So what the fuck?

Do you sit there and go, what's in this? No. You just fucking inhale it and give poncho 40 bucks once a fucking night, right? So it's so weird how I went on. When I first went to that jihitsu class a month ago, the first time, I got on my knees, and I blasted this left knee. This is a surgery knee. But right from there, I went to Dr. Amy.

She put some needles in there. She laced it for me. She cupped it to put the blood in there. I can't, you know, it got a little bit better. She eased the pain. That night I got to take some ibuprofen. I don't want to call the doctor because it's just going to stick fucking cortisone in that now at this point. They're going to stick me with a needle of cortisol.

I'm in no mood for that shit. That shit is not good for you. I had it shot in my fucking, you know, when I was a, bro, I've been running, and I used to get brisitis on my heels. So you've got to stick the fucking needle in there, suck it out, and then stick to that. You don't know. I would be green.

I would go get shot at 10. I couldn't leave until 4 in the afternoon. This is before I can punch, and I hate the fucking needles. So, health is the fucking issue, cock suckers. You know, you're young, stay on top of this shit. One hour a day. Don't let... I love how people always say, well, I don't have the time.

You got to make time for it. You got to say, at this time every day, last night I was talking to something. I had, like, comedy hell last night. Some girl came with her, she said, I like to ask you your advice about something. She's got this headlining gig. They have to do 35 minutes for on December or August 12th,

and I don't know if I should take it. And I'm like, why wouldn't you take it? I don't even doing comedy. seven years. I go, where is the gig at? She goes, Louisiana. I go, take the fucking gig. And then she goes, well, I only think I have about 30 minutes. I go, so you need another fucking 10 or 15 minutes? That's

a piece of cake. And she goes, maybe for you it is, you know, no, it's not for fucking me, but take a chance. I go, nothing happened to you today that wasn't interesting. What you mean to tell me in your life from Sunday to Sunday, from coast to coast, nothing happened to you that was fucking interesting. You didn't get a ticket. Nothing that made you

giggle by yourself when you were walking. She goes, yeah, okay. And she started, and she started arguing like for you. Nothing bothers me more than people go, oh, it's easy for you. It's not easy for me. I'm a fucking loser. What easy? You know what I'm saying? These people think like you have the God's

hand, like somebody's helping you fucking right. No, you're seeing life through the same eyes I'm fucking seeing. You know, I just always make a mental know, holy fuck. That's bizarre. You know, Lee, I still can't forget that day that me and you were getting in your car, and I farted.

And you were like, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm fart. I don't want to fart in your car. I'm a Catholic. I don't want to insult nobody. And I farted. And I was so bad. I knew it was one of them.

You know, I had to drink that protein shit for breakfast. And some mornings you take a chance. Like, let's say you have something in your stomach from the night before. And the protein powder hits it. It's like World War fucking three. So you had like the bacon hot dogs. Yeah, but I don't have no fucking hot dog last night. Lee, whatever you eat with that bacon wrap hot dog comes out to smell.

I took a shit one night after those tacos and a couple of bacon wraps. Like you take one of those midnight shits when you get home. Oh, yeah. Because the taco push everything out. I took a midnight shit from the tacos. The next morning I got up. Didn't smell like shit in the bathroom, but that strong odor,

the batoir of that piece of shit. Because sometimes when you flush it, the shit breaks in the toilet. That's what stinks terrible. Once it breaks. And you're one of those Farton's, poor old woman? Oh, my God. And that's my life.

I see that every day. So in the back of my mind, if I see that, and I'm a comic. Because when you're a comic, you make your own little fucking jokes in your head. You don't have to say them. You just make little jokes, and you go to them and say, oh, I'm going to say that on States.

But I wanted to show Lee that this is how life is. I farted. I get in the car. And I go, Lee, this lady is going to walk running for this. As I farted, I'm smiling at Lee. I'm like, Lee, and he's like, get in the car. And I look up and there's a lady walking with him. I'm like, oh, no.

I get in the fucking car with Lee. We're both sitting there looking at each other. We go, Lee, watch this lady. Lee, tell him. There's nothing I think I made this up. This woman was probably, like, if you see a movie, like, and there's an old Italian grandma that's 87 years old and takes like 20 minutes to walk

from like 20 feet away. This woman was like a thousand years old and she was just on her morning walk probably just for the little bit of exercise she gets and it was like slow motion we watched her walk into like the crop dusting

that Joey left and this woman she didn't stop walking she just her nose wrinkled up into her face and she started waving in front of it and we both fucking die. We lost it. I totally, I go, Lee, this is what I... This is why I do comedy, because

this is my day. And even when things were bad, like, things were fucking horrible. I'd be, like, borrowing money and thinking about robbing somebody. Something would happen that I would fucking giggle my ass, but I'm pissed. I didn't keep notes when I was a burglar. You remember it enough. Well, but I didn't keep

like in, you know, I should have kept like a memoir when I was a fucking thief slash burglary. Lee, where's the music? Well, that's how everyone gets caught. All these murderers to keep fucking fucking diaries. You got some refo with Uncle Joey or what? I'm like, sure, why not?

Oh shit, what do you got for me today? What is this? Start from the beginning of the week. You want it from the very beginning? Yeah, yeah. This is a fucking jam. This is a fucking jam. You know, very rarely do I put, like, women on this show?

Because I think, oh, you guys are always knuckleheads? I got some badass women. I'm going to start profiling. This is one of them. This is Chadee in 85 with that fucking African forehead. Borrowing shit from the fucking 70s. A little Rufus featuring Chaka Khan type show on the guitar.

This is a jam, I'm telling you. Go, Lee Lee. It's a beautiful day to be alive, believe it or not, man. Whatever your situation, get up, cock suckers. Get up, wash your pussy, wash your balls. Get out there. Salute the motherfucking son. Let him know who the bad motherfucker is.

Kick it, kicketly, kicketly, kicketly. What? What? What? Oh, shit. Shitley. Oh, shitly. You're gonna wear your phone for you? Oh, shit.

There's my boy. Lee Syatt, the flying Jew. Jews, hell. Raise cock suckers. It's a beautiful day to be a fucking Jew. Who are you kidding? Right now, go to that Bank of America looking how much you got in the bank.

Say to yourself, it's a beautiful fucking day to be a Jew. I got to go over there and put fucking $2 in there today. What's up, dog? You bad motherfucker. You, Lysayat. How's it? This is reminding me.

The other night I couldn't sleep because I was up. I was sleeping all day from The Edible. And I rewatched, what the fuck? American Gangster. And I didn't like it the first time I saw it. I didn't like it because it was a man on fire. So I just, I owned it and I decided to rewatch it. That's a fucking good movie.

It's a fucking good movie. He's bad at. And I hear this movie about the plane. When the plane goes down. Flight? Yeah, I heard that's good, too. I heard that's a good motherfucker too. But I thought of you for the entire movie just because it's,

it's like he's the driver of the head of Harlem for like 16 years. He knows to the day, how many days he worked with him. And all they talk about is customer service and all that. And he goes and he's selling the best, purest heroin for half the money of the other guys. And his entire thing is based on family and respect. But the thing that ends up being his downball is his hot wife buys him of that fucking mink.

And the FBI finally catches on to him, but it's... Well, it was against his nature. He was very low-key. He didn't want to sit with the fucking, you know, whatever. You put the fucking mint on, all and then they started taking it. You know, that's a very great story that, you know, I went to see Mud with my wife Monday. How was it? I haven't seen it.

It was okay. You know, it was a good-looking guy and some fucking kids. One kid was hysterical. The real hot blonde that just got caught DUI and with her boyfriend or her husband, she played. Reese Witherspoon. Reese Witherspoon. I went with my wife, an ICE man was playing there.

And she asked me how it was again, because we had like a half hour. They put Chipotle now next to... Oh, they did? To Lemley? Yeah, fucking tremendous. Yeah, Julipoli is good. Not bad.

It's always packed. Like, I've driven by there. You can't find parking spot. Whatever. So I sat there, you know, and was looking at the pen. And she asked me a bunch of questions about, and I go, what they did with the story.

You know, for people who watch American gangster, it was about... The Italians, first off, the Chinese were bringing the fucking heroin in. The Chinese people have always been the baddest motherfuckers when it comes to heroin. They just didn't want to, they're fucking intelligent. You know, when you go into a Chinese restaurant, what do you see, a family working? You see three kids doing homework, two families put their Guitas together, and they've opened this up. That's a scam.

These guys are making money from heroin. They just do that to cover their tracks because they're smart. They're not fucking Puerto Ricans or Cubans or none. They don't need to, they don't need for you to know that they have money. No. They need to know. That's a strength. We're the only ones that act like fucking yams when we fucking dress up with gold jewelry and jump up and down. No, no, no. The fucking Chinese, they never did nothing. They're bringing the heroin in. They didn't have the muscle to go to the blacks and the Puerto Ricans and the Cubans and Dominicans and sell the heroin. So they became, the Italians became their fucking out. The Italians were robbed them. So the Italians were given $55,000 a pound of heroin. They didn't make a half a million on the fucking heroin. Half a million. They cut that thing a thousand times. You cut it, then give it to black guys, like fucking Frank Lucas.

Yeah. Frank Lucas said, fuck you motherfuckers. Yeah. I'm going straight to fucking Bangkok. I'm going to deal direct with white pot of Ma. And we're going to take over, and that's what happened. He was very smart. Remember when he goes in and he sees the Academy Award winner?

And he tells him, you're cutting my shit over. And now, when people buy Coca-Cola, they know what to expect. Beautiful speech. It's a speed. It's a great. He says, like, it's a name. same brand and people trust me even if they don't know me

and it's on the street he took the business sense from a CEO and put it on the street that's why he was fucking successful but he went against you always slip up yeah you always do that one thing the pussy making out you put the fur on you go to the thing with a big fur they started taking pictures but

the beautiful story about that was I mean I was thinking about this yesterday I can't believe I was someone of my friends on the yugo and we were talking about what happened in the early 80s Chinese people started saying fuck this shit. We want to be we want our money. The Chinese people shut down. Canals

I mean, the Chinese people took half of their town, a little Italy. They went to war. There was a movie called The Year the fucking Dragon with Mickey Rourke that portrayed that little war that they had. It was over fucking heroin. But there's a book, and I've spoken about the book called The Pleasant Avenue Connection.

You cannot buy the fucking book. Of course, Felipe bought it for me for 100 fucking bucks. You could go to a library and rent it out and read it there. Like, L.A. has it. I had to go down to L.A. County with my wife, take it out and read the book a whole afternoon. And what's it about? And it's about how heroin was in the 60s.

When they found out, like, how many fucking idiots became bazillionaires selling heroin? And this big street was Pleasant Avenue. And it was the street. And basically, you pulled up with a car with your fucking money in the trunk. And I took the car from you. You went and had lunch. and when you came out I throw your keys to a new car and it had the heroin

and you drove it back to where the fuck you were going and that's how easy it was to buy heroin on that fucking block so the Italians in turn were taking black guys like Frank Lucas and going here's a fucking pound of heroin for 80,000 and we're going to cut it to pieces he was an entrepreneur

he was very smart at the end of the fucking family I mean I read the book you know the books I grew up in that area and I knew about Frank Lucas and the other fucking guy you heard about my mother had a bar on 127th and Otto Bond. Did you ever see one of those apartments that they show where they're cutting up the hell?

Fuck, yeah. Really? Those projects right there, not those on particular, but I used to go to a project that were very similar to us on 120th Street. It was right by the Popeye Chicken and the Apollo, Dowmore, down there. And that's what Jasper Williams used to live when we were kids. Until this day, I never forget that fucking black dude. That was my first fucking friend ever.

First friend ever, a fucking darkest fucking kid. and I wish he would pop out or somebody would say, Joey, I found Jasper Williams, but nobody's come out to me and said, I don't have a fucking, nobody's got a black fucking friend no more. Talksuckers. What's happening, baby boy? So speaking of American gangster,

we're brought to you again by Hulu Plus. There's a banner on your website, Joeydiaz.net, or you can go to Huluplus.com slash Joey, and I fucking love it, man. You go to two-week free trial. I was on there, and they have movies. They have that fat-sick and nearly dead movie that I did the juice fast from.

They have Pulp Fix. they have health kitchen, they have TV shows and it's just fucking awesome man and you said Terry's using it. Terry's using it, she loves it. She can't believe it. She lived without it, she said so. Yeah, so just to remind you guys, you have to do Huluplus.com slash Joey

and it has to be lowercase, uppercase doesn't work. Lowercase! Get your shit together. Yeah, and it's just, it's amazing. It has everything you can make. I got like two emails the other day. Joey tried to use it. I said, did you use fucking lowercase? Lowercase. Even I know that and I'm a moron.

And it's, like I said, they have WWE. They have 300 pages of stuff you can watch. And it's, they have full seasons. They have one of my favorite shows. It's called Shark Tank, and it's the Jews' favorite show. They have people going on there with inventions. That's your favorite show? I tell you that's my favorite show.

Oh, you like it? I stay in and watch it Friday night until 8 o'clock. I love it. I love it. It's like the money. So they got all three seasons, all like 9-7? They have from this season up on 100 plus. Done.

I'll watch it right now. Oh yeah, fucking... Nobody tells me this. They had a... On the season finale, they had a guy who was making donut grilled cheeses. And the franchise made like a million dollars and stuff.

People go crazy for it, but I love that show. I love it, I love it. I love the chick. The chick's kind of cute. There's two of them. They have a young one who's on like the home shopping network, and then they have an older one. But I like, like, I mark Cuban,

and then the Mr. Wonderful, the bald guy in the middle. The black guys. Oh, yeah. Damon and John, yeah, no, it's great. Go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or where there's a banner at joey-d-s. And lowercase. Lowercase.

You get two weeks free, then it's only $7.99 after that. Who's better than me? No one. It's Wednesday. Get up. We got a live podcast tonight. 626-577-1894. Come on down, smoke some dope.

It's like 10 bucks. It's a fuck. Yeah. It's a Wednesday night. Egg is coming down. Oh shit. I haven't seen him for a while. He's working nights now.

He's like Joe Pescian's fucking goodfellas. Minds work at night. It's interesting. So you watch the whole American gangsters? Yeah, I loved it. Because when you have a movie like Man on Fire, that was just so amazing, you're always going to kind of try to compare the two,

and I just couldn't do it. He shot his load on Matt on fire. He really fucking did. It's been on, on American movie classes. People keep tweeting me whenever it's on. It's on like a four in the fucking afternoon. You sit down and he's, you know, telling hector LeVoe to shoot himself.

That's a great scene when he talks the guy to fucking shoot himself. I love this scene An American gangster Where the guy Right when his boss died Another drug dealer was trying to take him over And he said 20%

So he paid it But then when Frank Lucas Started being big He went up to him He's like here Give me 20% And the guy said no He just fucking shot him right there

While his brothers were sitting there Watching for the diner Tremendous And now his brothers aren't going to do shit to him Because he shot a guy in public And then came back And fucking ate

See but that was New York City That's what people don't understand. When people go, well, I go to New York and I have a good time. No, no, no. You got to go to New York and people mind their fucking business. See, now you have yuppie heaven in New York. At one time in New York, people mind their fucking business. You could stab a motherfucker right next to you.

You know, I still think about that night. My stepfather shot, and you go in the lake. You know, there was 80 people at that party. Yep. You know, this was New York in 1972, 71, when people out on the streets. It was, you know, the summertime. I don't know what time of the year it was.

I remember what clothing. My stepfather shot this motherfucker at 3.30 in the fucking morning. There was 80 people at this party. And then you said, you guys, like, he just took your hand and he walked to the river and threw it in there or something. We walked to the fucking car. Not right. Like, I was blown the fuck away.

He had a 45. You've been here 45 go off. No, but there's a big one. Sounds like a fucking cannon going on. Boom! Boom. It sounds like it. I was fucking in awe.

By this time in my life, I was 8 to 9. I had known. I had seen him knock out a fucking guy already, so I knew what time it was with fucking one. I never knew it was gun time. I never knew it was gun time. I never knew it was boom, boom, boom time. You know, and I'm like, I got to tell you,

I don't give a fuck, who to fuck you are. When you see your dad shoot somebody, that's a great fucking feeling. That's a great feeling. That's my fucking dad just shooting a motherfucker. I mean, they could go both ways. Your dad could get shot. Yeah.

But I never forgot all those situations as a kid. And I had a thousand of them. I have a thousand situations where I saw a shit go down on the street and nothing ever came of it. Yeah. Nothing. There was no witnesses. There was nothing.

There was nothing. And I've always said the best, if you're going to do something, do it with it. There's a lot of people. Do it because you'd be very surprised what people see and what people don't see in that. Because there's more reasonable doubt, I guess, if 80 people have a little bit of a different story. It's, it's, it's, like, if you look at hits, the other day I was watching Steakhouses, too.

Okay. It's on Food Network, and they show about all the stakes. Oh, I'm going to say, it sounds like a fat guy. Paradise, like, what movie is this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They show you where all the best steaks are, and they go to Peter Lugas, they go to this place, they go to that place.

But at the end, they went to Sparks. Okay. And they spoke about when the mafia guy got hit there, Paul Costalano. Mm-hmm. You know, they shot that guy at 6 o'clock at night. You know what I'm saying? A week before fucking Christmas,

when everybody's out, December 12th or December 15th, it was December something. Yeah. All right. This guy got shot at fucking midnight. Nobody saw nothing. Years later, yeah, they pieced together. It didn't take a genius to know it was Goddy, but you think about how much, when you go to Sparks, when you walk past Sparks, like if you ever walking on Third Avenue and you're in a rush, or whatever the fuck it is,

and you look up in you, because that's how I discovered it. I discovered it. I was doing a spot at the New York Comedy Club in 1994, at Al Martin's Place. and I used to go for a walk before I go on stage. And I'm going for a stage and I saw sparks. And I crossed the street and I stood there and I go, so you mean to tell me? This motherfucker showed up with guns and shot a motherfucker right here.

Right here in the street. Not right now where there's only 200 people. He shot him at 5 o'clock when there was 20,000 fucking people. And he got away with it. They couldn't have him in descriptions. That's the brilliance of it. They never expected it. You never fucking expected it.

That's crazy. That's the brilliance of it. That, you know, five o'clock, we're safe. This is America. This is the United States. Nothing's going to happen. And these eight guys dressed up as Russian guys with hats. And they shot the head of the fucking Gambinos in the middle of the fucking street.

Wow. You could do this every fucking day. People just don't do it. I'm not saying you can shoot people. But I'm talking about it's, if you're going to do something, do it the smartest faction. I don't even know how we got in this fucking conversation. When you're saying the story about your stepdad, I've never really punched, like, I've been, like, kind of, like,

little fights, like, pushing people or whatever, but I've never, like, I've gotten mad at people before I wanted to punch them in the face, and I've never done it. What does that feel like? Like, I just, like, I just have to imagine it feels awesome. Like, it just... It feels horrible. Does it really? It feels horrible.

Like, I just want to, I feel like... Listen, if you're getting paid for fighting, yeah? That's one fucking thing. You know, if you're getting paid for fight somebody, that's one thing. They get into a fight in the fucking street with strangers. That's a horrible fucking feeling. I'm not even like saying like bullies or whatever at school.

Like I just wanted to like... Oh, yeah. You know, listen, man, when I was a kid, I got beat up. I mean, I got beat up even though I was going to karate and shit. And then you start getting a little older and you start... You know, I remember going to karate for two or three years, getting into a fistfight and not using karate. What the fuck?

You know? When I was at 205 West 88... Street. It was weird. I was a little on the tough side. And I got my mouth busted one time, and my mother had a knock on the people's door and my mother made me re-fight the kid. My mother was a fucking savage, because she knew how

important it was that I got my shit together at that age. Five, I was a single fuck, and my mom was a single mom at that time. So she knew the importance of me getting my shit off at that age. So when I got, I kind of took a couple fights there that when they put me in Catholic school. At

that time, I was already in karate. When I I went to Sacred Heart School for boys. I think I got beat up one time, and I think I beat one guy up one time. Like, I kicked him or something like that. And then I got to North Bergen, and that was a complete different fucking story. I got beat up by John Bendham one time.

You know, and when I say beat up, you know, he got the best of me in a fight. I think I threw two punches at him and got like his eye or something like that. Don't get me wrong. It's not like I got on the floor and cried. You stick up for yourself. You're going to lose the fights.

I always felt uncomfortable. It was out of my fucking normal comfort zone. Because you don't know what could happen. As I got older, like, I didn't mind fighting when you're 12 or 14.

That's going to happen when you play football. It's that shit that happens after you're 18. You're driving and I'm fucking driving. Oh, has that happened to you? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You've had, like, road rage shit? I've had situations where people have gone at me and you're thinking to yourself, you don't know what this guy's got in a car. Yeah.

So now you've got to throw him the fuck off. Like, one time and that I was coming back with like a pound of blow. I don't know if we got this one. We had a little Mazda, two-seater car. Yeah. And the girl who I ended up marrying and we were driving

and somebody said something to me. And I opened up the fucking glove compartment and there was touch up paint like a can of paint. Yeah. And I whipped it at their fucking glass. And this motherfucker nearly kill. You know, and you got to think about all that dumb shit. Another time I got into a fight when my wife was pregnant.

When she was not Terry, but the first one was pregnant. The day the fucking cops were coming over. I get into a fucking fight with a guy that's crazy upstairs from me. He was beating me up at first. He had me because he punched me and I slipped on the snow. But then I got my bearings around me and I flipped them over and I started to punch him. That's when the cops got that. I'm on probation but I get-napping.

Like she had just gotten into labor, right? Is that what you said? That's the story. Yeah, that's it. That's the one. So you sit there and I've got, but Lee, it's so fucking overrated, man. It's a scary feeling that I would never, ever want to go through again. Well, that's good to know.

Like, I don't know. I was thinking about when you were saying that, I was like, Jesus, I've never really... And people listening, I don't want to, like, get in a fight with you. Like, don't mess around, but, like, I had people, like, when I was younger and I would get bullied or whatever. Like, I always, like, I just want to, like, imagine punching him in the face. We all do. We all do. That's part of being a fucking man. That's testosterone. Yeah. That's the whole thing. But it's a lot easy to let your hands go up.

It's fucking terrible. It's fucking terrible. It's terribly get hit in the face. That shit's fucking terrible, man. It's... I didn't like it. You know, and I've gotten my nose busted. Like, I was thinking, Mom, when I was a kid, we used to go to Mario Diaz's house,

this Cuban-Chinese kid. Yeah. You lived up the block from the Kelpers, across the street from Marlowe, this black, she was the only black chick in the neighborhood. She was like a fat little, a black, unabunga-bonga-chik. I loved her.

Marlowe was cool as shit. A mother was black, a father was white, or something like that. The grandmother was white. Somebody was white in there living in his apartment building. They were fucking cool as shit. We'd go to Mario Diaz's house at night,

and there'd be different kids. One kid knew Aikido. This one I was 14 people. One kid knew Aikido. The other kid knew goju karate. The other kid knew four jujiao-Pai Kung Fu. And we'd just go at it for fucking hours. I remember going into that basement, there was holes in all the walls

from us fucking fucking ourselves up. And then just like shaking hands. Like we'd pat ourselves up and just beat the fuck out of each other leave. And then go home. We'd go home when the parents would come down and go, what are your kids doing down here? Yeah. What happened to the wall?

Nothing. There was a hole It was hysterical He had punching bags He had Caboodoo Tomfus Those things the cop use When they come out They have those sticks

With the fucking thing they hold We would hit with those things We were crazy little motherfuckers We used to have chipping money And on Saturdays go over to the city To this place called Honda Honda Martial Arts Center And we'd buy fucking

Iron Palm techniques And the juice you put on your hands We were fucking crazy We used to buy the fucking stars And in those days You had to sharpen them You sharpened the throwing stars? Yeah, because they sell you the throwing stars, but they never sharpened.

Well, yeah, because they don't want people to get stabbed. But then we started sharpen them, and I don't know what fucking happened to the flying stars. I love when that happened. After you cut yourself with a flying star, your flying star days are over. You know, it's like New Chugs. You hit yourself in the fucking head pretty hard. Yeah. You're done with New Chucks for a couple weeks.

I love when you're kidding, you're like, you're fighting. Like, I had a brother, we would fight. But as soon as the mom or the dead, like, what's going on? Like, you're, like, you're, like, kind of acting tough or whatever you're fighting. but as soon as one of the parents, like, quiet down, like, it's funny when you're kidding. He started. No, I started, no, but I don't. It's always good.

Like, you've gotten punched in the face, I suppose. I don't think so. No bully ever karate chop in the night. I think I've gotten fights, and I got suspended one day in high school because this bigger kid was messing with me, and I, I'm short, but I'm sturdy, so I fucking, we were in the locker room, and I shoved him, I, like, pushed him a bunch of times into some lockers.

I never really punched him. But, no, I, I, I, I, I got bullet, but I don't think I ever got in, like, a real, like, fight, like, getting punched in the face sort of thing. You know, once, it's easy to hit people. Then you get to that age where you get hit, and you don't like hitting people no more, because you know how fucking bad it feels.

You're like, fuck, I don't ever want to forget hitting the nose or getting, like, my nose got busted. And then, you know, I tell that story online about us going into Boulevard East, you know, and we were mugging what we thought were gay men, but they weren't really gay men. If you really think about it, they were just pervers. It was Sanduskies. Yeah.

That would come over and ask us, you know. Because these guys had nice cars and all this shit at the time. And that's a part of my life that, you know, I did it for six or seven months. And I felt like a barbarian. Like when Joe Rogan, those people were talking about Genghis Khan, that's what I felt like. When I was going down to the row, these people. Like, it wasn't a fucking great time in my life. I have two ways to describe that point in my life.

I could sit there and not talk about it. Or I could sit there and laugh at it. I could sit here and honestly tell you Lee that I never broke somebody's arm or something. You punch him in the stomach and you ask them for your fucking wallet. That's going to happen in the fucking city or somebody's going to put a gun to your head or something like that. I never abused nobody.

I never abused nobody. That was never my intention. I was a dumb fucking kid. And for a time you thought that was cool, you know, mugging people or whatever. You know, I got arrested for aggravated robbery. You think of those two fucking words. Yeah, was that the one in Colorado?

Oh, yeah, that was the one in Colorado, but I had done it before and after, it wasn't the first time. You know, when you think about aggravated robbery, what ugly two fucking words those are. Those are the two ugliest fucking words I say, fuck is nothing. The muffler's nothing, you know. Aggravated fucking robbery,

that's trying to rob somebody with a fucking pistol. If I wouldn't have got caught that time, what would have been next? Maybe somebody that day I would have gone, they would have had a fucking pistol. You never know. That's why fighting is so scary, because you never know what the other guy

God. And do you worry about that? I know it's a few years... Every fucking day. I know it's... Every day because I've seen it happen. Well, not even that. I was thinking it's a few years away from Mercy, but I don't know how girls act. Like, do you think you're going to approach it? Because, I mean, one day, Mercy's going to get bullied.

Like, as a father, I think you'd want to go down there and, like, and fuck him up or something. Like, I don't know what you do. Listen, man, every child at one point, I don't know if they get bullied. I got bullied. You know, I was Cuban. Yeah. I was Spanish. My mother used to

Put white fucking slippery shoes on me. Okay? Plus jewelry. And I think my mom used to put the jewelry on me to test me. Like to make sure my mother was very stern with me. Like, don't let nobody touch that. But nobody will nobody touch that. Don't let nobody touch your face.

Don't let nobody touch that bracelet. Don't let nobody touch your body. Don't let nobody touch you. My mother was very stern. I sit here sometimes and this is a creepiest fucking thing I'm ever going to say on the podcast. I think about how lucky I am that was never molested. Like, I will beat myself up thinking about my past to see if I got molested

because they say most children get molested and we sweep it under a carpet. And I always, you know, in the situations I lived in, why didn't I get molested? What do you mean? Why? Was I, that ugly as a fucking kid? Jesus Christ. You know what I'm saying? Was I that fucking ugly as a kid?

You know, I went to Catholic school. You know, I don't think I was an altar boy or whatever. I think I was an alternate altar boy over at that Sacred Heart School for boys. Like, I just went back there a few times. I'm not saying nothing bad about the Catholics. You know, my mother raised me single mom or I had different babysitters. I remember all of them, you know, like the women

and they never bothered me or nothing. You know, when my mother died, why didn't people take advantage of me? It would have been the perfect fucking time when I was 16 and vulnerable, 15 and vulnerable. Again, was I that fucking ugly as a kid? You know, but you have to think about that. And I go back to, you know,

people always send to me, Joey, when are you writing your book? or when are you writing your book. It's so hard for me to write a book because I'll get stuck on a subject that'll beat me so much. Like right now I'm stuck on Juan, you know, like writing about Juan. Yeah.

But the subject that has always baffled me is how lucky I was. How really lucky I was. I could look you in the aisle and tell me you by the time where a guy did try to fuck me. You know, I was 15, I was 13, and I was playing basketball at St. Michael's. I told you on the podcast,

and it was snowing out. And in those days, on Kennedy Boulevard, The buses came like 10 times an hour when it snow. They only had one bus out there. Yeah. You know, so you had to wait an hour and a half, two hours. And this car pulled up and against everything my mother had raised me, I got in the car with this fucking guy.

Jesus. And, you know, he started hitting the ball. I had my hands in my jacket. And I had the ball between my legs, and he kept hitting the ball. Ooh, you're a big guy, aren't you? Wow. Look at that ball. You know, and something happened by Sears and Roebuck,

across from Schitton Park in Kennedy Boulevard, the fucking door opened. That was God, dog. The door just fucking open. Oh, really? And I ran out, and he made a U-turn and tried to get me, but I knew Schutzen Park. I ran in there and cut through the fucking weeds and the snow. So I was very fortunate.

But you think of all the things that could have happened. Yeah. You know, when my mother died, I could have moved in a way. I would wake me up in the middle night. Want me to suck his dick. You know, whatever. There's so many situations that could have happened. When I was a kid, I remember, you know, when I was a kid,

I had like maybe three babysitters, and they were all female. But I would always hang out with my godfather. My real godfather. The guy who baptized me, he used to take me to the movies all the time. And give you the gun, right? He gave me the fucking gun, and he smoked dope in front of me, and he was a lady's guy, and he had hippie chicks. He was a Cuban guy.

He looked like Dick Van Dyke. So he could have been a fucking pervert. You know, he could have been a fucking perver and made me whack off in front of him, whatever the fuck they do. Who knows what they make you do? I was just very fortunate. I'm not making fun of people who have been molested, but I think part of that is because of the training.

My mother gave me. Yeah. When my father died, she became. at my world and she would beat it into me. I used to have a fucking bracelet guy in New York, a fucking bracelet. I mean a gold bracelet with my name like Coco. When I was in the first

fucking grade, then I didn't like the name Coco. So I made it make me a diamond ring that said Tony on it. Because my middle name is Antonio. So I made her get me a diamond ring that said Tony on it. And I think my mother gave me those things to prove my fucking shit. I remember I had a chain.

When I always had a chain with this, Cuban thing on it. This Armando de Jose. It's a little black guy playing a bongo drums. His name is Pepe. If your name is Jose, you have to wear that shit. I just have this image with that kid with the cover from the documentary. Just with all those chains on it?

Oh yeah. It was fucking craziness. Like slick back hair. Oh, yeah. My mother had me two suits. The whole fucking thing, guys. My mother would put white shoes on me. I still remember her telling me once, don't run in those shoes when I ran. And I couldn't stop. And I fucking crashed. And both my knees

got screwed up and they had to put maccherechrome and fucking blow on them and shit because in the old days there wasn't no spray they just put that bottle of macaricone on your fucking knee your skin would be hanging off your knee and shit I'm sure I got fucking bullied but I went right away she put me in goju karate

yeah I did taekwondo from like first grade oh fucking right away and I didn't know Lee and I quit everything in those days I used to quit they kicked me in the stomach so fucking hard that I lost the oxygen what is that when they kicked the air out of it? Yeah, knock the air of yeah. This motherfucker knocked the air out of me so hard that it was

over. That's the worst feeling. And I remember going back on the guy saying to me, I'm happy you came back, you're going to be fine, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, and I used to quit everything. I can't believe I didn't fucking quit karate at that age. But after that age, at least I felt confident.

I was never a bully, but when I used to go on the weekends to 148th Street, where I seen Juan shoot the dude that day That's where I was bullied I wasn't bullied Like the bully they talk about today In the movies

Like teasing you It's not teasing No no no In those days People would take your shit Lee So let's say you would have like a G.I. Joe And you brought it out to play Yeah

In the day those kids on 140 years You would take your fucking G.I. Joe And just tell them it was yours And you'll come get it tomorrow but the place they had like two brothers like let's say it was Lee and his brother Stan or his brother Les and they would

and they would take your shit Lee yeah so it was a different type of your man like I remember one time my mother we went to get ice cream and the ice cream man goes let me see your chain and he pulled it out

and my mother fucking hit his hand and she took me aside and she goes nobody touches that fucking chain nobody puts their hand on your chain nobody puts their hand anywhere on you and my mother was so adamant about it I think I fucking ingrained itself in me.

Even when I went out that nun, the whole thing was about me covering my face. My mom used to say, fucking don't let nobody touch your face, period. But mommy, no, I'm the only one I can touch your face, and even then, don't let me touch your fucking face. How's that one for you? No, you're a man.

I was fucking six. She'd be calling me a fucking man. You're a man. That's why you're going to do this. That's why you're going to eat pussy when you're a fucking man. I would sit there, no, I can't fucking eat pussy. I'm a little girl. But it's so fucked up how nobody did those things because the beating she threw on me early on.

Listen, I love my daughter. You want the best for your children, you know, but you also don't want it easy for them. One thing I don't want it for my daughter is for it to be easy for her. And I'll tell you why, because my mother never made it easy for me. Yeah.

She made it easy enough for me. Like, I think about the shit I stuck with, yeah, like this jiu-jitsu shit. I'll stick with it because I've already done comedy. I know a journey. a journey could be very hard it could be very easy it passes very quickly

yeah it does like one minute you're playing the violin with three fucking people and next thing you know you're a mass of square fucking garden opening up for guns and fucking roses and you don't know how you get there you know why you get there because you're stuck with it

that's it you stuck with it on Saturday afternoons and everybody was fucking around you said you know what I'm gonna learn this fucking thing and you're learning you're stuck with it and you just keep doing it and you keep going back to the well and eventually even if you fall behind the skill talent

of time. Like a lot of times when I first got you, I'd ask people, how long have you been doing comedy? And they'd say 10 years, and you've been doing comedy, seven years, and you're like, wow, that's how good I'm going to be at 10 years. Sometimes you get stuck at a certain fucking thing. But if you keep going, you get past that hump. You know, when you play baseball,

people go into slums. Yeah. That's why they spend a lot of money on the Yankees because it's money ball. To them, it's a different type of money ball. They figure there's a pitcher. He don't count. He's irrelevant. But there's eight people on the team. If four, of them are in a slump, we still got four

of the batten. Yeah. That's the Yankees philosophy. That's why they always get strong bats. Because even if five aren't down, three of them, we're just hoping that five of them are good August and September. Yeah. That's our money. We're hoping that in August in September, we got five fucking headers that are pretty goddamn fucking good.

Yeah. No, it's crazy and it's hard, but I was thinking about that. I was like, I wonder what you're going to do because my dad got beat up as a kid and my grandfather was a dry cleaner. But he, he, like, He went to the horse races, and he knew some guys. So my dad got beat up.

My grandfather went with some of his mafia buddies to the school with a baseball bat, picked the kid up and put him against the tree, and was whacking the tree with a baseball bat. And it's just, it's like, that's what I, like, I didn't know if you would do that, or it's just, it's weird stuff that happens, but it's. 30 years ago, I would have done that. That's not the way to raise your child. You talk to your child and you instill confidence in them,

and you never teach your child to hit somebody. Yeah. But they have to protect themselves. Yeah. They have to protect themselves. And to protect themselves, they got to know what to protect themselves about. So you've got to raise your hand to them. Not you personally, but somebody, a karate teacher, another child.

You know, no kid likes to get hit. But I want, you know, this is, and people looked at me weird when I said this one day at a party that. My mother raised me like she knew she was going to die. I was going to say that. Because you have two stories. You have the story of when she brought you back to the basketball court and the brunties. and right before she passed away where she got mad at you for not calling. And it seems like you live your life by those two stories.

But it's really weird. She also taught me an early age how to vacuum. She taught me how to do my own laundry. She would force me to do my own laundry. You know, she would just make sure I did so many little things. Like, you know, let's face it. Like, I'm up to this chapter now and my mother died, and me and my stepdad aren't getting along.

And let's face it, I can tell any story that I want to. I can tell you whatever lie I want to. from the age of fucking 11 on I was really pretty much on my own you know by the time I was 15

and I was walking home from the cemetery I figured it out that I had been on my own already for four fucking years they were paying the bills at the house I was doing everything else

I was getting my own food I was preparing it you know what I'm saying she would say right down she would leave me shit to go to shop right and get I would see my mother because there was a period

where I would go to the bar and go and go you in the city and go to karate and stuff like that. But once I became 12, I didn't want to go over that hill no more. I wanted to hang out in North Bergen and play Pee-Wee football and Pee-Wee basketball, Biddy basketball and all that shit. I was a North Bergen kid. You know what I'm saying?

So I didn't want to revel out of there, so I stayed down there. So I wouldn't go to the bar for three days in a row. So I would basically just see her at night. Yeah. So basically, she didn't know what the fuck I was doing. You know, I would just tell her leave me a steak with garlic on it and onions. Or leave me cash under the dish. and I would go to this diner down the corner off a Tunnel of the Avenue.

And I asked people if they remember that diner, and nobody remembers it. Just me, Dominic, special, and fucking like Carlos Perez. And that's the first diner we went to when we first got high. I'll never forget that. It was a trailer. It was a diner that was basically a trailer park. Yeah, yeah. And it was settled.

And they had the boots and they had the little things where you put the quarters in, and you picked the song, and played music for your table. And we would go and listen to Margaritaville. Right? And we would play Margaritaville and we'd get fucking stone and go in there. We would smoke like maybe one joint. For the three of you. Between five of us.

And we giggle our goddamn asses off. We'd go to the table and sit there and we look at the menus. And we'd pray that the fucking waitress wouldn't come by. And when she'd come by, we'd giggle in her fucking face. Just laugh out of Lee. Just laugh, laugh, laugh. No, Lee, I don't want my daughter to get bullied. I will teach her to defend herself.

And hopefully by that time, you know, Eddie's got a boy. Yeah. My other buddy's Damon has a boy, you know. Damon's about to have a girl. So a lot of the people in my circle have kids. So hopefully these kids grow up together. And she could say, that's my cousin that goes to whatever high and the time. You know, that's how you want the best.

That's my biggest nightmare. You can't control your kid's life I don't know how these parents that have three kids I talk to You ask them like how are the kids Great one's in biddy The other one's about to go here I would be fucking frantic all day

Yeah Like I'm very happy that I have the situation I have that I work weekends Because I could spend the bulk of the week with her And I could at least see her for three or four fucking days I could control those four fucking days I could drive at a daycare Take it to Magic Class

I'm playing the fucking drums You know what I'm saying Yeah You want to be involved Like my friend Steve Avillo says you can either be involved and do the work now or you're going to do the fucking work later and it's going to be bad

so do the work now build that bond with your child and then talk to them now and I'm talking about everybody because we all know how we lived on how our lives could have been better you sit there after fucking 25 you sit there and you think about your fucking upbringing and you think about the things that could have been better think about

what could have been better if one of your parents would have been home if one of your parents would have paid more attention with you one of your parents could have drove you around you know not all of us were born with our mother's drinking a fucking martini in the living room when we got home with a butler 90% of us that listen to this shit and we all talk and communicate on Twitter and Facebook you know we didn't grow up with a fucking butler and stuff like that so obviously you grew up with both your parents working or one of them working and you have a brother and sister so think

about what would have made you how but how your life would have been great if your dad was fucking home all day tell me no tell me know and anybody feel that way fucking tweet me email me, we would have been a lot happier if Dad's there all fucking day, you know, as soon as you get home, he's there, you pick your up, drives, after a while it's creepy. Don't get me fucking wrong. I don't want to be that creepy fucking dad either

that I'm sitting there, you know. But you've got to be involved. You know, do you trust people around? I don't trust anybody. I trust me. I trust you. I don't trust a lot of fucking people, you know, who's out there like stabbing a kid that day or whatever the fucking is. You got to be careful.

You've got to teach your kids a lot of shit, man. It's rough. Yeah. I can't. I'm an idiot. I leave that stuff up to my... I'm a fucking moron. You know that shit.

That's crazy. Yeah, I don't want to get into a big thing before the call, but I don't know what to do. I've been doing some online dating, and I start talking to this. This girl actually messaged me, but she's 19, and her dad already said she doesn't want her dating anyone over 21. And I don't know what to do. Like, I just... Just meet the girl for fucking coffee, all right? And then take it from there.

You're 24 years old. You're really about 16 going on a fucking 8. There you go. Good morning, my friend. What's going on, Joey? How are you, sir? I'm pretty good. How are you doing these days?

It's been real good. You in San Jose training? Yep. I got a week and a half hard training and then head to Vegas. And how long are you in Vegas for? A week. Now, the fight till when? When are you fighting?

day, June? June 14th, it's Friday night. Damn, I'm in Utah that night, John Fitch. I thought you were fighting in Miami for some reason. No, but it's going to be on NBC Sports Network, so you might be able to catch it. On the phone is one of my...

John, I'm still in fucking a days. I'm so happy you called. You've always known I've been one of your biggest fans since day one. I love you to death. You're a fucking savage, and I'll tell you the reason why I really love you, John Fitch. You know why you're a friend. from Indiana. Nobody knows.

Oh, when I was a kid, when I was 12, I was ready to move to Franks Lake Indiana. You understand? Because I want to be the next Larry Bird. I'm not fucking around with you. I love all that, you know, all that Jerry West type,

West Virginia mentality, mentality. And I loved you. I would watch you. And then I was talking to Rogan about it. He said, you were the captain at Purdue, and I'd watch your fight. And it was just,

you fought like the kids in my neighbor, like those dirty Irish kids. You just not going home. You're just not going home until you get yours. So it's a pleasure to have you on the church or what's happening now, brother. What's going on? What else is happening?

Nothing, man. Just training and being a dad and working around the house. And how old is your child? He's 15 months now. Wow. Yeah, I have a four-month-old at the house. And we were just talking about,

she's a girl, but we're talking about bullying and how you would work with your child and not getting bullied and, you know, what our parents did. And I know you've given it some thought. I mean, I would hate to have John Fitch is my fucking dad. I don't know.

I'm pretty a dad. So last weekend, building him a big giant sandbox, and I wish I would have had a sandbox as as nice as this one when I was a kid. So I think I'm pretty good dad. I didn't even have a sandbox. When I came from Cuba, we had a

big community sandbox at the public school in New York City. There was beer bottles in there and syringes. Beer bottles. and condoms and shit you're going home with a condom in your pocket and stuff like a usual mom look what i found and uh you're being too far deep you find a dead hooker oh yeah yeah no please they're all over the place in the 70s in new york so you're still at a k a yeah yeah now you're up in san jose correct at that aka it's pretty funny because i i'm up there june 27th or

something like that and i look at i don't know i don't know okay I'll be here. No, no. Where are you going to be? No, I think I'll be in town around the end of June. Yeah, because I want to go to that, you have you guys on Thursday mornings. They're making me coming Wednesday night to do press on Thursday, and I guarantee they won't have anything for me.

But a few, few calls, but you have a 10 o'clock, a 10-30 BJJ Fundamentals class, and I was going to try to hit it. I was going to bring the ghee and everything and see if John Fitcher is up there, throw me around a little bit and teach me all about this stuff. How long have you been doing all this, John? Because I read a little bit about it. I remember when you first walked into the octagon, just looking at you. When did you start thinking about this stuff?

You know, we watched the first early UFC back in, you know, 93. We watched a few of those and we watched a few K-1 things in pancreas, you know. And then kind of disappeared from the paper. So kind of stopped paying attention to it because we were back in Indiana. We weren't all that tech savvy on the computers at that time. I never really even used a computer until I was a freshman in college. And so I kind of got away from it and didn't think about it. I always joked around though that, you know, if things never worked out,

I'd just move to Asia and fight like Rambo did in that, in Rambo 3 with sticks or something. And then when I got to Purdue, my assistant coach, Tom Erickson, was fighting in Japan. So, you know, I watched him in his face and then kind of followed it, you know, passively. And it wasn't until my, I think, senior year maybe, that, yeah, it was my senior year that, no, actually it was, yeah, the summer lead in the year of the senior year, I think Tom had, like, Tom and Mark Holman and Gary Goodrich, them into town and train with them and stuff. So I got to, like, roll with these guys a little bit, just, you know, for fun and helping Gary out with his best wing and stuff like that.

And I did okay with him. I thought, you know, if I can take down this guy who's, you know, world-class fighter and he's making, you know, the planet, he's making from, like, $75,000 a fight, so, damn, you know, maybe I can do this. I'd be worth it to take some classes or see something to try to trigger things out. So, you know, I kind of, kind of interested in that route because I didn't even start really getting decent at wrestling until probably my junior year of college.

Did you wrestle all your life? I started the fourth grade. I owe a lot to my own, my second cousin of Brett Rinker. He would come into class, and it was like fourth grade, and he would always tell these great stories about his older brother who was wrestling for the high school team. And to me, it was kind of like, you know, hearing pro wrestling stories.

He was a good storyteller. So I thought, you know, it was like WWF that I was watching at home on, you know, TV. And then finally talked to my mom in by letting me go and check out of practice. And she was a little bit horrified. She was like, you really want to do this? And I was like, yeah, and luckily I had another relative

who was, you know, a volunteer assistant with the junior high team. and he kind of talked her into it about, you know, just telling her about how awesome wrestling was and how it would make me a better person if I didn't get involved with wrestling and kind of convinced her to let me try it. And, you know, probably the best thing I would happen to me, I would say.

That's amazing. And then, now you weren't doing Jiu-Jitsu at Purdue at all. I was kind of funny because I had a year at grad school at Purdue paid for through a scholarship I earned there. And I used that time to fight that year and train and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. And I would train fights, and there was nobody in town but I could train with. So my buddy was a bouncer, and he would just try to get all these bouncers

who wanted to, who wanted to fight or thought they could grapple or thought they could fight to come in and try to train with me or roll with me or whatever. and then we get guys from the, from the Gio Club, also to try to train with. But I remember one day in particular, I was trying to train for a fight, and I needed, you know, three, five-minute rounds from people. So we lined the guys up. I had eight guys there that day. And I was grappling with them.

And in the first round, like, after I submitted them, a fresh guy would come in. And this was, you know, I didn't have any jih jihiscery back then, but I was supposed to submit me to guys. and like I think three and a half minutes into the first round I'd gone through all eight guys and they're all done they couldn't go anymore they're like sorry we we can't do it they're about throwing up already

and so I was like man this is just not working out as far as training for fights and that kind of got me thinking about going somewhere else one of the first steps that led me out to California and you started with Dave from day one no actually I got into I got to San Jose, May 20th, 2003,

and Dave didn't get to AKA until November. So I didn't even put a Gia on until November. I was training just with the fight team, and then I went to a few Bobby Salford's classes because Bobby Southerthwart was teaching at that time. And you really like doing this, John Fitch? Love it, man. change my way of thinking,

changed the way I live my life. It definitely made me a better person. We were just talking about fighting. Lysayat, the co-host was talking about, you know, he never really been hit and how did it feel. And I was telling him when I was a kid, I liked it. I spard and all that stuff.

It's after you get 18 that, you know, when you're driving, that's when it becomes a different world. I didn't like it at all because you don't know. It's not controlled, you know? Yeah. And I think about what you guys do. And I got to tell you how much I've learned as a comic from watching MMA. You know, because when I see a fire that doesn't evolve, I think of myself.

How much you have to evolve, you know. And it's so weird how you see fighters now. And, you know, look at two weeks ago with what's his name when he fought Luke, you know, he came around with that spinning heel kick. You know, you've got to keep learning every day. And you've got to keep working on the stuff that you're really not good at. I was never disciplined as much as sitting down and writing, John, which to me is like learning to fight on your back.

That's what I compare it to in Jiu-Jitsu. To sitting down saying to yourself, you know what, from 11 to 12, I'm going to sit there every day and I'm going to come up with ideas. And I tell you, John, after three weeks, nothing happens. But there's that one day that when you have five minutes left on the clock from sitting there three weeks, all of a sudden you're right, your best stuff you've ever written

because you stuck it out, you know? and that's what I was avoiding. You know, when I hear all the people, like, when they fight wrestlers like yourself and they get taken down and they can't get out of that mess, it's because they're not prepared on their back, and that's how I always felt when I would bomb, that I wasn't working on it. So I've learned a lot from watching you guys do your thing, you know? Yeah, I kind of learned something.

Louis C.K. made a statement, I think it was a documentary, something I watched where he said, he talked about, you know, the process he was. went through to like writing a sets and stuff and he said he would you know whatever like a 20 minute said he would he would have like a killer you know last five minutes or whatever and he would he would always move his his killer finishing stuff to the beginning of uh every every routine every set so that he had to come up with something else brand new to finish with and i thought that was incredible because that's like that's a that's a crazy amount of pressure and you have to put on

you know that you have killer stuff to finish with, and you put it in the front on purpose, to make you have to step up your writing for the second half of your set. That's pretty incredible to have, you know, the testicular fortitude to, like, do that on purpose. Most people are, you know, always going to just leave their best stuff toward the end of that.

I think that goes into fighting, too. I mean, you've got to force yourself into the murky place and the places that you're not comfortable with or you're not good at. That's one of the things I did when I started working with Dave Camarillo. Like, you know, first time I grappled with him, he was 100, 160 pounds, you know, soaking wet, with nickels in his pockets. And when he grappled, he was on top of me, and it felt like he was 400 pounds. I couldn't move.

And, you know, I've had some hell of good wrestlers that I've wrestled with in the past that couldn't keep me on my back. and pinned like that, but he could. So at that moment, I was like, yeah, I'm going to put this a guy on, and I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to do everything he tells me at face of value, and I'll figure out how to adjust to wrestling and fighting later. And that's what I did, and you could see my level just jumped up, guys who were submitting me daily when I was crushing after a while.

Well, the other thing you did was that you're very, intelligent because you know that you gotta hang your fucking ego up once in a while. Exactly, and that's what's really difficult for a lot of guys. A lot of guys won't do that shit. They won't do it because, you know, a lot of guys in the sport, they come from another sport where they were successful, you know, like kickboxing, boxing, or even wrestling. And when they do that, and you have to start over at MMA,

you're just starting at the bottom. So you have guys who are, you know, elite level. competitors in their in their normal surroundings, but now in MMA, they have to start at the bottom again. So you've got a guy who, you say, an Olympian, Olympic boxer, an Olympic wrestler, throwing them into a jitza class where he's a white belt now. That's really hard because these guys, you know, a lot of them, they've been at the top level for a decade maybe. And now they've got to start at the bottom running again.

that's, you know, that's real hit to a lot of people's egos. When you got an accountant with the blue belt is tapping you three or four times in a five-minute round, you know, you feel kind of shitty. That's amazing. I couldn't even, I finally started going in and doing, you know, I had to do something, John. You know, I go to kickboxing all the time,

and I lost 100 pounds, and I want to just have sleep at me, so it's hard for me to breathe on my back. So I said, fuck it. I started getting some nasal spray from the doctor some flones. I pop two of those things, and I go on, and I roll. You know, I'm trying to learn.

And for me, I never wrestled. I played football and basketball in high school. So I told the guy from the minute I walked in, and I go, I know nothing. I know Dick. I know the crucifix, and I know a hip escape. That's it.

Man, those hip escapes are tough. But every time I go, I try to do one more hip escape. That's my goal for every fucking class. I don't care if I get beat up. There's 20-year-old kids in there, John Fitch. I never seen nobody move like that. I've never seen people move like that. Even I always grab some of these younger guys, and I'm like, Jesus, like, they're flying

all over the place. The only light these blue belts and they're jumping over me and shit. Like, calm down. Oh, man, I don't want you jumping and shit. It's too much for me. You know, you had one of the hardest things happened this year, you know, with the UFC and whatnot, and I'm still your number one fan. I don't give a fuck where you go, but you know what?

I thought about it when I went down, John, I got to tell you, it was the best thing that happened because sometimes you got to take one of those to, you're a fucking champion no matter what, you know, and you'll prevail at this. I'm really proud of you, and I'm really proud that you called in today. You know, I used to go to all your fights, man. You know that. You saw me. I'd look at you and giggle, and I would love it.

I fucking, I used to, it's amazing what I would see you when you'd walk in. I'd make believe I was in your mind as creepy as this sounds because anybody has gotten into a fight outside of a hamburger joint you know we've all got into a push and shot fuck you cock sucker but to

yeah to fight in front of 18,000 people what is it like I need to just ask you before I let you go yeah it's pretty incredible to fight to fight in front of that many people you know especially since

you know he spent a lifetime wrestling in front of a a gym full of moms, you know, just a handful of moms. And maybe a couple of overzealous dads, too. But, you know, it's pretty sparse in the wrestling world. You know, but there were times where we wrestled it like Iowa, and there was, you know, 10,000 people in the crowd. That was a pretty cool experience.

But, you know, it feels great to have that many people watching your fight. kind of like payback from all the years of working out and empty gymnasiums and wrestling against people and nobody was really watching. I always think about that when I see the fighters walk in. I'm like, you know, I've done comedy for 2,000 people, you know, a big fucking deal. These guys are about to hit somebody in the head in front of 18,000 fucking witnesses.

That's as strong and get away with it. That's as strong as it fucking gets. And you get away with it. choke the motherfucker or whatever. You don't have the police coming on our door. Knack him on the door later. Hey, brother, you sound good, you know? You sound really confident.

Yeah, I feel great. I mean, having my little boy around is, it makes me young again, really. Because I think like a little kid again, and, you know, I don't know if I built the sandbox for him or for me. Oh, you know, John, I feel the same way. I'm 50. My wife came in the room a year ago and said I knocked her up. We've been together for 14 years. You know, last week I had.

I had a situation, John, when I was sitting on the couch, and I was doing whatever you do with your fucking lips, you know, whatever you do. And she thought it was the funniest thing she had ever seen in the world. She was peeing all over herself, giggling. And I started fucking giggling, right? Like, now I'm fucking giggling. And I got so emotional, John, because I hadn't laughed that much

since I was fucking eight. Since Bugs Bunny fell off a cliff and landed on the cook or something. Remember when you laughed at innocent shit? It wasn't the stupid shit you laughed. at today community and this gay shit. Remember when you were a kid, you laugh from your belly when Popeye would spit slap fucking Pluto

with something. That's how I felt. And I told my wife my wife, my wife was like, you've been acting weird tonight. What's the matter? I said, I haven't laughed like that in 30 fucking years. That's what just happened. I haven't laughed like that at something simple. They really do take you somewhere where you

have been before, but you don't remember. Yep. That's true. and when you remember you're like fuck i want to do this again but look at me i'm a broken down oh fuck what am i going to do now john fitz go get on from t rt so tell me about this fight my friend oh yeah man i'm playing jasper working friday june 14th uh i'm going to be at the hard rock hotel in osiragas uh it's going to be on nbc sports net super excited about this super said about being with this promotion. It's been nothing, but a great experience so far.

And, you know, my training can't have been amazing. I feel better than I have in a long time, and, you know, I feel motivated and I feel unchained. So I think you're going to, you're going to, fans are going to get a real treat come June 14th. Hey, John, what's the name of the promotion so we can look it up on our TVs and stuff? World Series of Fighting. Okay. And it's on NBC.net, my brother? Yep, we can follow them on the at MMA World Series, I think, on Twitter.

Okay. And what happened was, John, I was in a hotel about a week ago, and I was reading your tweets, and you said for contact information, for inquiries to contact somebody, and I wrote the fucking thing down. I think it was your girlfriend. I wrote her Twitter handle down, and then I got home, and I couldn't find it.

I didn't want to ask you in public like that. So I'm apologized for that, but people weren't nuts. People were getting back to me, they said to ask you about the wolf meat. Wolfmeet, how they didn't know about the wolf meat? That you eat wolfmeat. I saw that, and I thought it was something you guys were talking about. Oh, I thought that you ate wolf meat. I didn't know for sure.

No, I don't know what they got. I saw that too, and I was like, wolf meat. I was like, that could be an interesting thing. No, and I know what he meant. You're a little fucking wolf with a little beard and she. You're like a little wolf when you open your mouth. You were savage. I love you, John Fitch.

You know that. From the bottom of my heart. And I want you to call again after the fight and let me know what it went down, all right, brother? Cool, man, thanks a lot. So, you know, my heart's with you, and I'm cheering for you, and I'm still your number one fan. You know that, right?

Cool, man. All right, don't feel. I'll call, make it out of sea when you're out here in June. I'm going to definitely come by. I'm going to come by. I'm going to rent a car and come by with the flying Jew. We're going to come by and break your balls a little bit. All right, brother.

I'm with you, man. Stay black and beautiful, always. I will. All right, buddy, bye. Bad motherfucker fuck. dangerous man right there. Like, I saw GST down on the phone. I didn't want to bring it up.

I was there when he fought GSP, and I was there outside the ambulance. Like, fucking heartbroken. Like, crying. Like, if he was a friend, like, it was the worst feeling in the world when you see a friend of yours fighting and you can't help him.

And that's why I don't go to big fights. Like, I got to perform July 5th in Las Vegas for Anderson Silver with Joe Rogan and all those guys. I'll tell you what, I'm not staying for the fight. You're not going to? No, I'm going to come home.

It's a long weekend. Number one, I want to be with my wife that weekend because I'm going to be gone for like five weeks. Yeah. And then on top of that, I can't watch Anderson's silver fight. I get too emotional. It breaks my heart. Last time I take it of acid with the fucking other Jew,

with Ari Shafir, so I can't. I get too fucking emotional, man. Those are my friends. I can't help him. You know, you see your friend getting his ass kicked in the ring. You want to jump in there. You want to bit slap a bitch. How much money would it take for me for you to run in and jump up in the cage and jump in?

I mean, I bet everyone who listens right now would give a hundred bucks. Bro, they'll throw me in jail. They'll throw you in jail. You jump in the octagon. Yeah. That's like obstruction of fucking fighting. You know, you can't fucking just do that shit. What's up, Lysayat, you bad motherfucker.

What are we got playing? We got this thing tonight. We got Onit.com. Listen, if you're starting your health program, I don't know what I do without Onem. I really don't know what I do on it. Because they've got something for everything. And they've been great to me,

and they've been great to us as a company. The thing, what they have, even the fucking president called Arbery the other day, you know, Warrior Poet, who's a fucking genius as far as I'm concerned. If you sit down with the guy, he's a fucking genius. He makes Joe Rogan look like a fucking mental midget. It's amazing. You talk to Aubrey, it's amazing. And Joe knows everything about fucking everything.

But Aubrey, I think, got him beat a little bit. So, you know what, I trust whatever the fuck he gives me. I really, I'm telling you, you know, I was talking about earlier with the Mayo, whatever, that's in strong bone, repairs the tissues and all this, and there's a bunch of athletes that spoke about it. Like I said, I don't know much about chemicals. I could drop a bunch of wrong words on you. I know what works.

I know what makes me feel better. I know that I went back on the fucking strong bone. I'll tell you what, I don't feel my knee. I got the braces, though. You know, I got the-knit. The knee braces? No, I got the pads. Oh, the wrestling pads, okay.

Yeah, so it wouldn't bother me that much. So now I don't have to land on them, but I'll tell you what, my knee feels fucking great. My shoulders feel fucking great. Do yourself a favor. If you're a fat fuck, you're thinking about lifting. You're thinking about, you know, getting started. After a couple weeks, you're going to be sore. Get some strong bones.

It's got the glucomite and all that shit in it. Get the strong bone, get the new mood. In fact, I'm going to pop some new moods tonight and smoke some refurb. Because the new moods with the edible enhances the edible. Good to know. How bad do those knee pads smell after that class? Not too bad. Really?

Yeah. Oh, mine needs to stink. I don't smell them. What the fuck is wrong with you? Jesus Christ. You're a nasty motherfucker. You know, you smell your own knee pads. Smelling knee pads is gross, but fucking having pubic hair in your mouth like a fucking toothbook is normal.

That's a party where I come from. party. Some fucking bush in your mouth like floss and you just move it around your mouth when you're driving. You leave it in there when you're driving? Fuck yeah. Oh, Jesus. You purposely rip some bush like off her pussy like

Chuck Norris did to Bruce Lee and Return of the Dragon. You don't remember when fucking Bruce Lee grabbed the hair from Chuck Norris's chest. You don't watch signs of the lambs last week either, the cocksuck, you thought I forgot. You know why? You went in La Jolla jumping up and down with your little girlfriend.

And then Friday night, you were drinking beer, having a good time. What's on the agenda this week with your girlfriend? Where are you taking it to this week? I'm not taking anyone anywhere. Half a fucking fruit cake. Where you take it to this week? No way. You sure, it's over?

We're friends, but yeah. Oh, here we go with the French shit. Jesus Christ. You ain't friends with it no more. Yes, I am. Just tell us, don't call here no more. If you ain't going to smoke my pipe, you got no reason to call here and shit, all right? You got to put your foot down.

You're not hanging out. Because that's what's happening out. You're hanging out with him being the hopes. She's not going to give you the monkey. Now you got to play. hardball now. You're not the regular Lisa, yeah, you're the tough kid. You're a pimp. You got to put your pimpan down. Do you not have a

Jew pinpan? I do. The best fucking pimps I've ran with them. My day were all fucking Jews. Gotta get it together though. You got to put your pimpan down and say it's over. If you're not going to smoke my little Jew fucking Yamika stick. My Jew Yamika stick. It's over.

I feel like I have to apologize to Rabbi Blumber I can't. I love the fucking rabbis. The rabbis are fucking what's cracker lacking. Listen, tonight. Tonight only. We're at that place. The Ice House Stage 2, 8.30. I don't know how many tickets left. Number 2, I've got to talk to you people about something. I want to thank you for making Testicle Testaments,

number one around the fucking globe. At one point yesterday, we were UK, Canada, and the USA. We couldn't have done it without you guys. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart for making me a real comic. You guys have really made a... You and this cock suck of Jude. We're only eating edibles. We're going to open up with a quad-chebo chew tonight. We're going to open up with a quad Chi-Bochew tonight.

We're taking you deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep into the metaphysicals of the metaphysicals and shit time. It's over for you, Lisa. It's over. I'm going to get it together. I want to give some shoutouts, some people. Go for it. Let's give a shout out to Chorn, Cappuccino, Juan de Dios, Ron Magana, Bo Lloyd, Jose Valencia, Leisure, Suit Gavin, and Tim Curtis. I want to give a shout out to my man, Costantino, whatever his fucking name is.

I want to give a shout out to Leon. I want to give a shout out to fucking Gus, aka Gaspari, Brent fucking Ross. I want to give a shout out to my brothers at that squad, whether it's Harlem, Nashville, Cincinnati, Ogallala, Nebraska. We got you, motherfucking Debt Squad. I want to give a shout out for the fucking church community,

you bad motherfuckers. Don't quit. Don't ever fucking quit. Take your dick out and say, I'm here. Anyway, I got emotional that for a second, because it's Wednesday. You know, I'll tell you that. You gotta do it.

I got no dates on the book for May. I got a bunch of them in June. We'll talk about them in June. Well, May's over, yeah. Yeah, who gives a fuck? We have three more days, whatever. Don't forget. Get your shit together.

Oh, on it. Hulu Plus. Do what the fuck. Tell them about Hulu, dog. You're sitting there like a fucking bump in a lot of you're slipping. No, I'm not. Well, now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus

and start watching your favorite hit shows right now. Go to JoeyD.S.net and click the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial. or go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. Again, click the Huluplus banner on JoeyD.S.net or go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's right. Go to the webpage and look at the dates.

Get yourself a full of a fucking t-shirt. We've got tank tops. I talk to J.R. Oh, shit. We're going to make a flying Jew commemorative T. I love J.R. You know, he's in town this week. And J.R. tries really hard.

I love him to death. He's a good fucking dude. He had ideas. He's got a new designer. I said, we're going to work out of a fucking flying Jew t-shirt. I love it. We're going to put all this shit together for the flying Jew because you're slinging the deck.

Let's it. It's the time. It's time for the flying Jew to put a Jamaican on and fly around and just pee on people. When was the last time you spring some... You never peed on that chair. I never peed on anybody.

She should have peed on her foot when she was sleeping. That would have got it. Then you whack off in her soup and you would have got her from every direction. You know, like the Filipinos on Gower and Hollywood Boulevard, you put your feet in the water

and with rocks and they suck out the impurities. Yeah. Well, you should have peed on her feet. Your piss would have gone into her feet and you would have known. They would have got her horny, and she wants to smoke your little Jude dick. You know what I'm saying?

You got to fix this way. When you got nothing else going on, you got to hit him from the voodoo angle. I feel like this is the reason why weed isn't legal, because you have ideas. Like, you got to piss on her feet so it seeps in and it makes it horny. I feel like whatever level... You feel like on her foot, and then you coat it with alpha brain, and it like a chicken color. You know what I'm saying? I feel like whatever level of weed you're smoking, like that should be the max.

Like, a little bit less is okay. But whatever you're doing every day is too much. Let me listen. Get it together. I'll make you fucking stab me the neck. I love you guys. Have a great week. Hulu. I love you guys. And did you mention, it's only $7.99 after two weeks, correct? $7.99 a month. $7.99 a month. My wife went on it, and she fucking loved it.

It's great. I think your movie's on there, the Juice movie. Yeah, Fat Tick and Nearly Dead's on there. Pulp Fiction's on there. It's great. You like Pulp Fiction. I love it. I love it. I love it. Yeah. Do you really? Yeah. You fucking look.

I love you guys. Have a great weekend. Don't forget to listen to the podcast. Leo put it up on Friday. The live podcast was something I had to tell you, Lee, but I forgot. That's fucked up. What do you mean that's fucked up? I'm trying to... Just a little fart there for people.

She said himself on the podcast. Ooh, it smells like... That was... All right. Hit it, Lee, cucksucker. Honit, I love you. Go to honor.com and put in the church. Get your fucking 20% off.

Get on the mailing list. When they start sending out ropes, you can hang yourself at one. I love you, cocksuckers. Have a great weekend. Joey Diaz. Hit it, Lee. Thank you.