The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #056 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: April 14, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It's Wednesday, April 14th..... Today, it's just you and Uncle Joey..... This episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter & Onnit...... Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/JOEY Go to https://www.onnit.com PROMO CODE: JOEY or CHURCH And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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Who's better than you? Nobody. Go to honor.com right now. Let's start this motherfucking podcast. It's a Wednesday, and we got a lot to fucking talk about here. Candles are lit, cock suckers. Greetings, cock suckers.

It's Wednesday morning. Hope you guys are doing great. No guests today. You guys are fucking happy than ever. Everybody complained. We want Joey, no more fucking guests. I try to bring you guests. I told you, this is a hybrid fucking podcast.

It's going to be different every week. We're going to come at you from different directions. to keep you fucking surprised, and that's it, and that's that. Let's talk about this fuck. Can you believe this shit? Finally, I go through a fucking vaccine, and it's giving people blood cloutes. This is what I'm talking about, people.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say to you? Why the fuck would I go up there? Now, I was happy down here. Mine in my own business, nobody had COVID. Now I go up there. Now I'm getting fucking calls that fucking Johnson and Johnson is getting blood clouts. Let me tell you something.

I didn't even get a fucking reaction from it. I got a headache. The only thing I did get was this happened to me Sunday night, and it was fucking terrible. I don't even know if I told you, Mike. I'm sitting here. We're watching TV. My wife goes to fucking bed.

You know, we watch our two episodes of Cobra Chi with Mercy. We come down, I come downstairs. You know, I get my ice pack. I get the fucking tins. I put it on my knee. And I watch TV for a little while. When I have the ice pack on and the tins,

I make a few fucking calls. You know, I check in with George. I check in with Leah. I check him with some other buddies of mine. And then I watch TV for a little while. And then when I get bored, the TV, I practice the fucking guitar. By that time I make a tea, I'll drink a sleepy time tea, or I drink my kimono tea. Yeah, I drink it sleepy time. What are you fucking nuts? They do have

a sleepy time. It's fucking tremendous. Nappy noonu time. I drink my little sleepy time tea, and I come downstairs and I play the fucking guitar for a little while. And then when I feel the I go upstairs and I fucking go to sleep, right? I swear to God, that's the same story every fucking night. Some nights I pop a new mood. I keep it fucking, because listen, my body gets used to everything that I fucking take. So if I take triptophan, I can only take it two nights.

Then I got to switch to melatonin from on it. Then I got to switch to Kikamo has a fucking thing, a tincture. That you put under your tongue. I switch to that two nights a week. And then Chong sent me a fucking CBD that also sleepy time

that I fucking do that. I do a little CBD lion to fucking help. So I got to rotate my fucking sleeping stuff. Every night I rotate it. So I don't get used to it. So my body doesn't get used to it. People always say, oh, just drink fucking melatonin. That's great. I drink melatonin for one to help with the COVID. Or audit has it. And number two, because it helps you get better sleep. Six fucking sprains. I do 12. I'm not going to lie to you. I do 12 to go a little deeper into the fucking murky waters of the underworld. Because when I dog, I fucking hate getting up in the middle of night. My biggest problem is I get up in the middle

You know how many times I've got in the middle of the night in the last three months, maybe five times? And that was because of the knee. What I would do is I would go to bed pissed off about something and then wake up at four in the morning. And I would fucking, God damn it. And I would go down and stuff. When I lived in L.A., I would write.

I got myself into writing whatever the fuck was bothering me. And within two minutes you're in bed. That's it. Just write it out. If you wake up in the middle of night, don't turn the TV on. Don't get involved in something. Just fucking go downstairs, take out your journal, start journaling a little bit, and fucking, you'll go back to sleep. So, Sunday night, because everybody kept telling me, you're going to get reactions from the fucking shot.

Well, I left Tuesday and Wednesday open last week. Tuesday at 10 o'clock, I was at the gym on the fucking bike. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I'm supposed to be tired right now. It's severe nausea. Thank God I got my fucking relief band. Ah! This motherfucker is going to be with me forever.

I got no fucking nausea. So I went to the gym, 20 minutes, you know, nothing. Went back Wednesday. I left Wednesday open too. Nothing. So I didn't get any fucking symptoms. So I'm like, well, but I had a little bit of a headache. I've been getting a little bit of a fucking headaches.

So what I did was, I said, fuck, I've just been taking Tylenolns. And I'm like, fuck, this headache has been lasting a little bit more than usual. That's the only side effect I could complain about. Now, Sunday night was completely different. I did my little nappy nunu tea I did my sleepy time I didn't even do THC that night just to let you guys know where I was at that night

I said tonight I'm gonna give THC a break I'm just gonna go with the fucking melatonin and I'll drink some sleepy time okay I fucking come downstairs now in the basement I'm in this where I rehabbed you know I have the fucking chair that you go all the way back like a zambore

recliner and you sit there like an old man and I watch TV I put ice on my knee, I put some tins on my knee, I watched TV. I did all that shit fucking Sunday night. I'm sipping my tea. Between us, I probably took five sips of the tea.

There was still half of it, great flavor. And I took the melatonin. I'm laying there. And it's starting to get fucking hot in here, right? I'm like, fuck. I got a hooded sweatshirt on. I got my t-shirt underneath, regular t-shirt. And I got the heater 10 feet away from me.

But I got the screen door behind me. It's usually a little cold in that area, you know what I'm saying? But that night, I'm like, fuck, it's unusually hot, man. And all of a sudden, I'm like, fuck, I'm going to take my sweatshirt off. I take my sweatshirt off. I'm down to a t-shirt. I'm like, fuck, it's hot in here. I get up, I turn off the fucking heater.

I sit back down again. I don't even know what the fuck I'm watching. I'm just sitting there, and all of a sudden, I start sweating. Just sweating out of nowhere, profusiously. Just fucking sweat. And I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? shit and i'm like fuck and also i take my t-shirt i'm downstairs sitting there with my tits out like on that plane that time with gabriel i'm fucking wiping my head off i'm sweating i tried to pick

i didn't know what the fuck to do you know i had some water on my on the right side you know like a little bottle of water i had my little sleepy time tea on the left i started drinking the water i put some on my head to cool me down and next thing you know i woke up it was one in the morning i must to fucking passed out. So whatever reaction I had to the vaccine, I think it was that. I wake up Monday morning, everything's fine,

I go to the gym. My first 20 minutes, 30 minutes at the gym were a little rough. By the time me and Mike did the podcast, I was okay. It went through, boom. Fucking, this morning I wake up, and it's all over the fucking news

that, you know, J&J is causing blood clots. You know me, dog, I got a clinic right on fucking hand. I called a, guy up I'm going for a fucking blood test later on today he told me that you know because I don't have to stress the fucking not eating that's what kills me about blood tests when they tell you you can't eat in the fucking morning and then you have to go in that's when I faint so I'll go for a fucking

blood test I don't have no blood clots I've been riding the bike every fucking day I don't take a fucking day off that goddamn bike so if I get a blood clot I don't know you know me I'm on blood thinners I take a baby aspirin every night at 8 o'clock with my dinner to prepare me because it's 12-hour coverage for your fucking heart. So can you believe this shit? I go up and get a shot that I'm fucking, listen, I'm not an anti-vaxor. I'm not a fucking conspiracy theorist.

I just wanted to make life easier for everybody around me. I wanted to make life easier for my wife. I wanted to make life easier for my daughter, for Mike. Now I could go out. Now I could venture out and enjoy Jersey. That's why I went up then and did this shot. Now you're telling me that the fucking shot causes blood clots. So now I'm thinking, like the needle didn't even hurt.

So now I'm thinking about going and getting a fucking Moderna one two shots of that shit and going through that again So what I'm gonna do is this I'm gonna fucking check for blood clots I'm gonna get my blood drawn and I'm gonna have him do an antibody test and then we'll take it from fucking there. Okay, so I hope nobody worries I've been exercising every day the whole fucking thing I guess I read this J&J thing and it's creating Some type of like a stroke effect, but let me tell you guys what happened 10 years ago not even when I was 50, you know who I'm surrounded with out in LA. I was surrounded with a bunch of fucking health nuts, and one of them told me to fucking go on testosterone. I went to the doctor, I did a blood test,

and my doctor's like, your testosterone is fine. He goes, in fact, it's even better than what it should be. You're fine. But against his beth wishes, I went to a testosterone doctor because my healthy buddies were like, you got to go to get testosterone. You got to get testosterone. You got to get testosterone.

So I started doing a little shot of testosterone every day. It was all legit. A doctor did it up in fucking Van Nuys. I went to see him once a fucking week. And I started putting on weight. I'm supposed to lose fucking weight. I went from 3 fucking 15 to 3 fucking 30. I'm supposed to be losing weight on testosterone.

I'm the only fat fuck that's gaining weight on fucking testosterone. Even though my fucking acupuncture is told me, she goes, don't do that fucking testosterone. You don't need it. Trust me right now, you don't fucking need it at all. I kept doing the fucking testosterone. I went to DC. I had a migraine headache for like three fucking days.

I finally couldn't take it no more. I went to the doctor and they told me I was creating too many fucking red blood cells. So they had to drain my fucking blood. You didn't want to be around me that night. I must have fainted 18 fucking times, okay? When I looked up and saw the tube connected to me and that they were drawing blood into that fucking tube, I nearly fainted.

So I know all about that shit. So I'm not going back for that at all. I'll go this afternoon. I'll take my fucking little blood test. They'll check for blood clots. still checked for fucking to see if I get the antibodies in me. Because I didn't feel nothing in that fucking needle. Who knows what was in that fucking bottle?

You know, so for me, I just want to be double safe. And I just want to shoot because a couple people checked in with me. Thank you very much, guys. You guys knew I did the fucking, I had some nice emails, people saying, because you did it, you encourage me, whatever. You know, there's a lot of anti. There's a lot of fucking hate going on out there. I just did what was best for me and my family.

If I want to do stand up in the future, whatever the fuck I don't want to have to do I don't have to worry about it because I'm vaccinated you know what I'm saying but if it's only going to last six months and I'm going to have to get a boost anyway in September to go to the premiere of the Sopranos and it looks like that's what I'm going to fucking do okay number two I want to talk to you something people

you motherfuckers that keep hitting me up about Sharon Osborne let me tell you something I don't know nothing about Sharon Osborne I don't want to know nothing about Sharon Osborne I don't mess with Sharon Osborne I've never met Sharon Osborne I've never met Ozzy Osbourne and I keep to myself

I had an opportunity one time to meet them and I was like, let me think about it and I said let me just pass on it for right now I love Ozzy too much and I'm scared to say the wrong thing in front of fucking Sharon and I don't want to end up fucking dead

you understand me when it comes to Sharon Osborne those bitches will kill you Sharon Osborne's about to go fucking off any week now she's about to go off I don't know they fired her on the view you know after 10 years

she's got a lot of shit to say I don't know Sharon Osborne. I've never met Sharon Osborne. I'm sure she's a very lovely lady. I read the book, The Man Who Led Zeppelin by Peter Grant. And it was the Peter Grant's biography. And Peter Grant learned everything he knew

from Sharon's fucking father, who was a manager, who was Black Sabbath's original fucking manager, who robbed them and all that shit. Again, no disrespect to Sharon Osborne. I don't want no problems of Sharon Osborne. I'm just saying what I read, the fucking books here. Okay, I'm just repeating what I read in the books here. I don't want

no problems with Sharon Osborne. I'm just saying that I don't know what happened on the view. Do I look like I watch daytime TV? Why do people keep asking me this shit? What do you think I do all day? Just sit around and watch the fucking news. I hate daytime television. Every time I put the TV on the daytime, I'm like, what the fuck is going on in my life? Throughout this pandemic, I knew that if I turned the TV on the daytime, I would die. I knew if I turned on, I would die. So that TV doesn't even think of fucking going on until 8 o'clock at night. So I've never watched the fucking view. I love Cheryl Underwood.

I've known Cheryl for 20 fucking years. She's a phenomenal comic. I don't know if you guys knew that. She was a fucking tremendous stand-up comic. Cheryl is a fucking force to reckon with. So I don't know what happened. I don't know what went down. I don't want to know.

And I don't know if so. So you people that keep asking me emails. If Sharon wants to come on the Asborn, if Sharon wants to come on a podcast and talk about what? happened, you know me. I'll take it with open arms. But besides that, I don't know nothing about Sharon and I was born. I've never met her and

I don't want her because I don't want to say the wrong thing and for her to fucking go off on me or whatever. I don't need that in my life. I got no problem with English people and Megan Markle and fucking Pierce Morgan and the King of Wales. I got no problems with these people. I don't know these people

I salute, whatever the Italians say, whatever. Go enjoy yourself. I don't know what the fuck to take you about i don't know a bunch of people like what do you think about sharon osborne i don't know about sharing i don't know about sharon and don't ask me out in fucking public if you're gonna dm me about me i don't even want to put charon osborne on twitter i don't even want to write sharon never mind i's born i don't want none to do with these people because they'll fucking sink your boat i'm scared of Sharon osborne if you you know how women are scared of

fucking uh harvey weinstein with the missing teeth like now he's missing four teeth he's got a pneumonia They put that shit on Twitter like to make you feel bad for Harvey Weinstein. He's missing 14. Well, now he'd get better head in fucking jail because you know he's giving head in there. They got that little 60-year-old man. They're smacking him, suck my dick, Harvey. Harvey's over there, gumming him to debt, that fucking, I don't know. I don't know.

We're talking about Sharon Osborne. All of something, we end up on Harvey Weinstein with no teeth. This is what I'm saying, guys. I'm back. You understand me? That's how you know I'm back. He survived COVID? I'm survived COVID and I'm fucked.

Harvey survived COVID. Remember they were scared of. Harvey's going to get COVID. Who gives a fuck? When he was raping women, he wasn't worried about fucking COVID. So now, fuck him. But he's trying to do his fight extradition to California. I read that somewhere that they're going to extradit him what the fuck for.

The damage is done. He's already going to fucking die in jail. You want to exit out to California and do what? Give him 20 more years. They already gave him 2,000 fucking years. He's going to run under the cell. Poor fucking. Harvey and all that money can't save them fuck them that's what happens fucking torturing

Hollywood fucking actresses again I don't know about Sharon Osborn so that's I don't know I want to know and this is what's going on but in a brighter note I do want to talk to you about what's going on in my life this is going to be a a big time fucking podcast today you know I love doing what I do and I love I love talking to a lot of you guys you know you guys know it there's a lot of years that have relationships with me on the internet we've never met and we have great conversations whether it's on facebook whether it's on patreon whether it's on twitter you know you guys go back and forth to me i read your messages you know i read your stuff whenever you post and a family member or something i always say prayers

or candles lit, just to give you a gleam of hope. You know, I believe that people deserve, you know, hope, you know. When somebody paused, when somebody puts something stupid on Facebook, that's one thing. But there's people that actually are honest on Facebook, and they write what their real feelings are on fucking Facebook. And some people, you know, say stupid shit to them. When somebody has the balls to, not DM you, but to, put on there i'm having a rough day today my father's dying it's not for people to go you know

fuck you or whatever and i've seen it on facebook even if i don't know that person i'll stop and just go hey man prayers lit or just something just something to let them know to let them believe in you know because i've been there i know what it's like this last year or two whatever we've all experienced some form of debt and it never you never fucking think about it until it hits your backyard but with everything that's been going on there's been a thousand fucking debts and all of us had heard a story of somebody or or something you know and it's finally hit me over here you know when i got off the plane i i feel that me moving here was meant to be you know i'm very happy about my decision i have no regrets at all whatever happened happened great 23 years it's on to the next chapter of my life whether we do

stand up whether we do movies whether we get into theater whatever the fuck i do i don't give a fuck i'm happy my family's happy my wife is happy my daughter's happy but things have happened in my camp too that i don't put on facebook you know i just tell you guys in the podcast you guys are my fucking psychiatrist you guys lift me up you know that's why i lift you up or i try to lift you up whatever you down. In 1981, listen, man, I've had 20 fucking moms. I don't know about you guys. I've had 20 moms. Most people have like a mom, a grandma, and then like a friend's mom or a mother-in-law. I've had 20 fucking moms from Marianne Balzano to Anna Bender to Joan Runny to Mitzi Shaw to fucking my godmother. You know, I've had so many women, strong women,

that have been in my fucking life. You know what I'm saying? I'm very fucking fortunate about that. You know, in life you never really get to say goodbye to somebody. It sucks. It sucks that you, I never got a chance to say goodbye to Ralphie. I never got a chance to say goodbye to Brody, but you live with that. And then you make your own peace and you mourn and life goes true with that.

Well, this week I had to do. what you guys have been doing for the last year, and that's putting somebody down, you know. I'd have to put somebody down at all. When I got back here, you know, I was really happy about... My plan was to come back here and thank Anna Bender and Joan Roney for taking me in when I was younger. Anna Bender took me in in in 1979,

and then I had a problem at the house, my behavior, and I had to leave and I had to find a different place to live. I didn't know what I was going to do in my life and the Runnies took me in. The Benders or the Runnies are two great families in Boulder in North Bergen. North Bergen has had a ton of great families when I was growing up. The DeLorenzo's, the Benders, the Runnies, the Tizios, the Ascalises. I mean, there were so many big-time families that helped me out. The Lebranos, you know, they all fucking.

Mrs. LeBrono was a mom to me, you know. But in 1981, it was a different cocoa. And Mrs. Roney took me in. Mr. and Mrs. Bob Roney took me in. His name was Robert, and her name was Joan, Josephine. Joan is my sister, her daughter. And they had four boys, and I considered them all my brothers. When they took me in, they took me in in April 21st of 1981.

And it's April 12th of 9th of 2021. That's 40 years that they've been in my life. And I'm fucking proud. You know, for all you people who think that, yeah, I was a criminal and all that stuff, but I was still a human being. And I never forgot the people who took care of me. It was very important for me to not forget about these people.

I didn't want them to think that their love towards me was in vain. Do you know what I'm saying? like you never want like when a comic helps you like if you're a young comic and an older comic helps you you want to do well to make them proud of you so later on in the career they'll say to you you know what you could go up to them and go thank you like the way i do on podcasts with different comics that have helped me over the years whether it's joe or whether it's great fitzsimmons or whether it's theo a ton of comics have looked out for me you know i'm saying so in life a lot of a lot of a lot of women looked out for me when I was growing up.

And I'll never forget the Ronnie's coming to me and going, hey, we talked to our mom and dad. It's okay if you could move in with us. And I'm going, what the fuck? You know, how do people open up their houses to a stranger? I knew Mrs. Runny. She was the crossing guard at the high school. And I always said, good morning to her.

I was always polite to her. And here two years later, I'm going to move in with her. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, thank God, I was. always nice and sweet to her and she remembered me and whatnot but you know as soon as I got back here I got back August 19th and September 5th her son Mike his wife passed away and there was a party and we all went down that Saturday and we saw Mike I went to the wake you know the whole fucking deal and then my family I mean they are my family no matter how you cut it and then since

they were in Tom's River they're close to me Mrs. Ronnie I've been been down there a couple times to see her say hello i brought her some italian cookies you know i order those tins for christmas and i brought her some of those i've gone this i've gone down there a couple times now she's old you know she's been sick for years you know she's had uh cancer for like 10 years so she's had it under control now i went there easter i took i went down there my wife my daughter we went down there for the early half of easter like for an hour just to sit with them. Mike came down. Steve came down with some of the boys were there. And I go down there and we ate some sandwiches. We got some fucking great Italian sandwiches.

And we ate them. When I went down there Easter Sunday, I don't know, check your calendar. I don't know what date Easter Sunday fell on. But she was in great shape. We were talking. We were having a great time talking about this and that and this and that. And all of a sudden I got a call Maybe, yeah, four weeks ago. I got a call maybe three days after Easter that she's having a hard time. You know, I said if there's anything I could do, blah, blah, blah. They just called me to tell me they rushed it to the hospital. And then when she came home, we went back down there.

And she had just come from bingo that day. And she was doing fine. She went to bingo. She didn't play bingo. She was just counting the numbers or helping people. I don't know what she was doing down there. She's a big bingo chick. She's retired.

That's what you do when you're doing. retired. You play bingo in those small communities. So I went down there again and then about a week ago I got a call that they put her in the fucking hospital again and that the cancer is all over her body and that they're giving her a little time and that, you know, we're all going to go down there and meet. They're going to put her in the hospice. She wants to die at home. So they're going to put her at home, you know. When I got that call, you know, I called like, I called Joan, my sister.

I called my brother Mike, you know. I was a little bit emotional. You guys know me. I get emotional about that shit. But then I put it in perspective. I go, you know what? There's no reason for me to get emotional. I'm going to go down there and talk to her.

That's it. How many fucking chances do you have to go talk to somebody and tell them how you feel? not a lot, especially before they punched the ticket, not a lot, you know. So I went down there. I didn't know Saturday. My daughter had a softball game. And after the softball game, we hung out with some parents.

And I had a fucking, you know, I had to say goodbye because I had to go down there. I had to meet Mike and, you know, Bobby and fucking Ricky. And Mike's daughters were down there. So I just want to go down there for Mike, you know, for me, I wanted to see Mike also. they've all been vaccinated. You couldn't go in the house unless you were vaccinated. You had to wear a mask. You know, I got down there Saturday.

I saw Mike, you know, I hugged them and shit, you know. And then I went inside and I saw her and I got to tell you guys, fucking cancer is no fucking joke. You know, Easter was four weeks ago. Last time I saw it was two weeks ago. In those two weeks, I don't know what the fuck happened, but it just ran through her fucking body. So I went inside with Mike first,

and we sat with her and talked, and she was in and out, you know, not really hearing you. You know, I covered her feet. I grabbed her hands, and then I went back outside because I wanted to go back inside with her, I just wanted to be alone with her.

So I went outside with her. I sat him down. I had an edible for him in the car, so I gave it to him. And then I went inside, and I had my chance with her. And I sat next to her. The dog was on the floor. I pet the dog, and her hand was holding onto the railing

because they got her in like a medical bed. So I held on to her hand, and I told her that I was a lost kid in 1981. I had nothing going on. I didn't know what the fuck to expect. expect you know when somebody invites to live with them and you're a kid you're like well i guess it's time to get raped with time to get molested you know this is what the boy scouts is for to prep you for the shit i didn't know what the fuck to think you know but listen they were

they treated me like they treated all five of those fucking boys you know they treated i went right into the house and i fit right into that fucking house and they looked at the fucking house and they looked after me, you know, I lived there for a whole summer. They never asked me for a dime. Finally in September, Mr. Runny said either you go back to school or you get a job. I don't care what you do, but you either got to go to school and get free rent or you have a job and pay rent. So I quit school my senior year. You know, I didn't see any sense in going back. So, you know, I paid them rent. And I ended up staying there until I ended up living there for about 18 months of them

until I robbed the jewelry store. And I didn't leave there in a bad way. I left there because I didn't want the cops harassing them. Mrs. Runny, now she wasn't a crossing guard no more. She had become a sheriff. So I didn't want to put in a position for her to have to fucking arrest me. So she was a Hudson County sheriff. So I'm like, fuck.

The conflict of vengeance. No, yeah, I'm living with a cop. You know, she's probably going to get. the report and she's going to have to be in a fucking in a cundrum you know whatever you call it in the fucking because what the fuck i got this guy living with me i can't arrest him so i didn't want that to happen so i ended up going to sarasota florida i wrote to my hand written letter before i left and i put it on their bed i put two weeks of rent in there you know because that's the type of guy i am and i fucking went to florida and i didn't call him for the six weeks i was in florida

But when I came back, I went over there. We laughed about it. And here we are 40 years later. I wasn't there for when Bobby Runny died, the father. I don't know where I was. I think I was doing time. And Jones' husband died, and he was a dear friend of mine. And I wasn't there for when he died.

But I'm happy that I'm here for Mrs. Runny. I'm really happy I went down there. Now the whole time that I was talking to her, I told her that I was a lost kid, blah, blah, blah. Thank you. Thank you for treating me like a mother. Thank you for giving me a mother's love, you know. I told all the things I was supposed to.

I apologize to her for causing ruckus in the house. You know, I tried to even loosen it up. Mr. Runny when he was alive, his mother died. And I went out that night and got drunk and he had a suit. hanging up next to the chair, all ironed and steam to wear to the funeral. And I decided to drink vodka and orange juices that night. So I'm sitting in his chair, and also I just started heaving puke, and I puke down his suit.

And they were pissed in me for two days. So I even apologized to her for that. I'm sorry for puking on Mr. Runny's suit, the week of his mother's funeral. You know, I'm sorry for all the craziness. But I love you. I told everything. She squeezed my hand a little bit. She didn't say much.

Her lips were just quivering. And she squeezed my hands a little bit. That was it. I was good to go. I got to say goodbye. I got to thank her for what she had done. I walked out. I hugged Mike.

We talked a little more. You know, they sparked a number. I had to drive, so I didn't want to smoke. So I didn't smoke. And then the weirdest fucking thing happened. I said, all right, I got to say goodbye to mom. Now throughout the whole time I was in there, we had like a little eight minute chat. She didn't fucking say nothing.

She was just quivering and whatever. And I know she was hearing my words. She just, you know, I could tell when she squeezed my hands that she was telling me, thank you for saying those things to me. But she hadn't said nothing. So as we were leaving, I hugged Mike. I go, let me go say goodbye to mom. I don't know if I'm going to have time Thursday or Friday.

I'm going to try to go back there again. I don't want to say that that was the last time I'm going to see her. You know, I'm going to try to go down there again this weekend. You know, people coming every day. You know, the only rule is we got to wear double mask. But I'm happy. I got to say goodbye to her. But when I went back inside, I said,

Ma, I'm probably going to come back and see you. You know, if you need something, tell Bobby, let him call me. I'll leave Bobby my number. Just remember I love you and all this. And I don't know where she goes, I love you too. She uttered the words and then she fell back to sleep. I fucking walked out of there.

Just blown the fuck away. You know, I had to show my strength for the boys. Like I had a walk out of there and show like nothing. Like nothing happened. They didn't ask what happened. I didn't say nothing. It was between me and Mrs. Runny. I walked out.

I hugged them. I talked to them for a little. little while and then I got my car and drove home and I got to tell you guys I mean for me I lost my parents and I was 16 I don't have to sweat anymore you know that was a loss for me that was a loss me the day and I had to think about something this is fucking interesting as fuck because what would you rather do find your mom like I did on the floor and not be able to say goodbye to her or see your mom die slowly and suffer. It's just a horrible fucking situation for us

as men and women that, you know, we have to do this to our parents. I mean, I think it's fucking terrible. Listen, my mom went away. I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to her. She gave me a couple clues, some things that I hold on until today. You know, I got a chance to say goodbye to Marilyn Martinez.

And right there from her deathbed, She told me that God didn't want me to do Coke, and I bought into it, and I never did Coke again. You know, I was very happy that I got to say goodbye to Maryland, and I got to be honest here. I really, really, really wanted to apologize to Mrs. Bender before she passed. She passed. I sent flowers. Hopefully I'll get the strength someday in the boss to knock on their door and apologize to the kids. I talked to the one brother, we're still tight.

But I'm happy I had the opportunity. to go down to Mrs. Runny on Saturday. And if you guys know anything about me and the Ronnie family, you know that it meant the world to me, guys. It meant the world to me to be able, and for her to say that, she loved me at the end after our conversation, that was as good as it gets in my fucking world, guys. So I understand you now.

When you guys hit me on Patreon and when you guys hit me on Instagram or hit me on fucking Facebook and tell me, me the light of prayer that your parents are going down or a sister or a brother well now I'm part of the fucking club you know I lost the sister-in-law you know during all this who I was very tight with who helped me a ton with fucking comedy in the very beginning and now I'm going to lose the lady who took me in in 1981 but you know what I fucking went down there with honor you know and I'm happy I came back and I'm happy that I became the man that I am today. You know, I got problems and shit.

We all do. But I became a man. Whatever you guys may think of what the definition of a man is, I'm really happy about that. It has made my fucking weak. And I'll go down there again. You know, I'm prepared. I'm prepared for a funeral now.

I'm prepared for a wake because I got to say what I wanted to say. You know, when I get the call, that something happens to her. I'm sure I'll be a little upset, you know, but I'll keep it together because I got to be strong for the family. I got to be strong for the boys. I got to show them. You know, Mike is a mess.

He already lost his wife. So he's going to lose a wife and a mom within a fucking year. I wouldn't even want to fucking be him. I wouldn't even want to know what that fucking feels like. But it's a part of life. We all got to deal with it. And now I got to deal with it. I'm happy I got you guys.

So we could laugh. We could keep doing this fucking shit all the time. And I get this off my chest. This makes life a lot fucking easier for me to do this on a fucking podcast. Because my whole goal with the church and the joint, was to never talk down to you guys. It was always to let you know that we all put our pants on one like at a time. I just became a fucking comedian and I got lucky.

I'm not better than you. I'm not better anybody. We're all the fucking same. I was a criminal till fucking 20 fucking years ago. But you're never too big to fucking apologize. You're never too big to say thank you. You're never too big to let people know what they've done for you. you know, I let people know what they've done for me.

I thank them, you know, I thank them. And I let them know its sincerity and authenticity that I meet it from the bottom of my heart, you know, and that's it, man. You know, when I went to see Marilyn and I went to, I didn't know it was the last time I was going to see her, we had a little talk back and forth, and she said that to me.

And in my world between us, I took that as a direct message from God. Look, I stopped doing fucking blow. And look where I am 13 years later. I got a fucking life. I got a kid. I got a wife. And everything is all right.

You know, I'm not able to do stand-up right now. I don't know how I feel about stand-up. But when that comes back and I'm ready, I'll be ready. You'll see me out there. You know, I'm getting all these offers and shit like that for stand-up. And this is what you guys don't understand. It takes six months for me to write an hour. I would love to lie to you guys and tell you, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You know, I can write an hour in three months. and perform it. No, it doesn't. No, it don't. If you guys want me to go out, let me know. I'd love to go out. You know what? I'm 58. I could charge $40 and go out there and do an improvised fucking set and not give a fuck where the piece is for and tell you motherfuckers to go fuck yourself. Any of you guys have known that have seen me tour in the last 10 fucking years. Every time you saw me, my pride was that I showed up with new material. I showed up at least 30 to 40 minutes of new fucking material. I didn't give you the same shit over and over again. And I'm very proud of that.

When I was a stand-up, I took that very fucking seriously. I didn't go to the same areas every eight months, to eat you with the same jokes to make money. I could have done that. I could have came to your club twice in a year and milked you. And it could have been over with. Right now, I'm 50. I could just set up a fucking tour tomorrow for 40-50-dollar tickets have you guys come down

I could go up there and talk shit for an hour I get I could talk shit for fucking an hour every day are you guys gonna be happy with me not really you're gonna leave they going fuck Joe Rogan says this guy's a fucking savage we just saw half a fag up there we just saw some fucking wounded deer up that's why I'm not doing stand-up I don't want to take your fucking money For me to take your money to do that, that's not fair. But I could do that. I could set up a world tour if you like. I could go to Dayton.

I could go to fucking Columbus. I could go to Chicago. I go whatever the fuck you want. I don't have to work on anything. And I can just come charge you $40. You guys will pay a $7 ticket charge because I don't care about you. And I just go up there and eat shit

and not do anything after that. I could do that too. If you want me to do that, I could do that. That's not what I'm going to fucking do. I'm not going out. till I work out, till I'm ready to go, and I know I have 50 to an hour that you guys are going to be proud to see.

You guys are going to be proud to take a picture of me afterward. You're going to be proud. On top of that, I don't want to go out and sit in between fucking a room in the shows. Why go to a show if I can't see you, motherfuckers? We haven't seen each other now in fucking a year since the pandemic, however long before that,

before I've been to your town. I think the last couple dates I did were Vegas, Tempe, Atlanta, San Francisco. I did in December with Dean after New Year's. I think I did New York City in December, so you guys haven't seen me in a while, and I did Miami for Thanksgiving and something before that date.

Before that, you haven't seen me. But any time I did a fucking show, the only place I felt I really fucking ate a bag of Dixon. There's only one city that I think I ate a bag of dick in. That's New Orleans when I did it with Steve Simone in 2019. June 7th in 2019, that was not a good fucking show. I don't know what happened to me. I can name the shows.

I got them written down the fucking notebook. How about that for you? Because you guys know I journal everything. So after I get off stage, I will put fucking Columbus, Ohio, show one, show two, show three, show four, show five. and I will write how I did there's tons you know when I did a weekend in the comedy club there would always be one show where I would just

go off the deep end just on purpose because guys kept coming people would buy tickets for two nights and I would go why are you doing that you're gonna see the same fucking material that fucking kills me as a comic I would hate for you to come see me and go you know what we came to see this motherfucker 18 months ago

and he's talking about the same shit This is a bust out. So I always, always wrote my set list out when I was, let's say, I'm in Columbus fucking May of 2021. I won't write out the whole joke list, but I will write the jokes, you know, gay Bob, B, Bap, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, sucking in your mouth, you know, like, I'll, I'll give you the bullet points. So I know exactly when I come back to your town, what not. to touch on. You understand me? That's what professional does. Who did I learn it from? Uncle Joey. Nobody

else told me that. I just knew I didn't want you to pay 25 bucks. If you always notice, I kept my tickets low. I'm not in business to rip nobody off. I'm a thief by nature. But you guys, I pampered. I never fucking charged over 25 bucks. 30 maybe in a club because the club was like, oh, you could get away with 30. But if I charged 30, I knew I had to fucking smoke in fucking hour. It's 25 for fucking me for the shows and 20 for workouts. That's fucking fair. You know, what I'm working on, if you want to give 20 bucks, that's nothing. 20 bucks isn't nothing.

I'll go up there. I'll still give you a great show. You're not going to know what you're going to get. Before I go on the road, I'd rather have a fucking solid hour. So when you guys see me, you're happy. I'm not going to go on the road to a half fucking audience. It's not worth the aggravation. So when my leg heals up and I'm ready to fucking feel good,

good again between you and I beside writing the book with Erica we talked today and we talked yesterday and we talked Monday we talk we try to talk four days a week we're trying to speed up this fucking book to get it out there to you it's going to take a while it's not going to just you know you just don't get a feather with some fucking ink and write a book out like this you know we talk every fucking day and we make notes and at night I make little fucking notes and I send them to her and at least we know what the fuck we're doing you know I'm trying to write I've written, I'm not going to lie to you, I have written a couple of little jokes,

just little ones, maybe four of them. They're not going to knock your fucking socks off, they're not going to blow you out of the water, but you've got to start somewhere. And you know why I've written those jokes? I've been writing them because I think of them as I'm playing the guitar. Dude, I tell you.

Do you understand me? For you to create, you have to be entertained. We go back to that frame of thought. I am entertaining myself with the guitar. And while I am playing the guitar, I have a notebook next to me and I write little things.

It's because I'm goofing on myself why I'm playing the guitar. While I'm playing the guitar, I'm like, I am the worst guitar player in the fucking world. I know the beginning of Back in Black, I'm working on a little bit of nutshell, which sounds horrible on the fucking amp. And I'm working on a little bit of brain stew by Green Day.

Dan, that's a motherfucker. I got to stretch the pinky. I got to do this one, the power cord. I don't know nothing. And like I told the teacher to say, listen, my fingers have been practiced, you know. I'm not a pink no more. My fingers, I haven't finger-banged anybody in years.

You know, when you have to stick your finger in a little monkey and then you have to work that pinky with the asshole, the whole fucking thing. Get the tinful. Yeah, I've been out of that fucking circuit for 20 fucking years. You know, I haven't fingered nobody. I got a wife now. I don't need to finger people.

So, you know, sorry about that. I'm sorry to my wife. What I'm trying to say is when you got a wife, you don't need to finger people. You know what I'm saying? You just go right to the heart of the matter. So my fingering is off is what I'm trying to say. Like, when I was fucking 30 and shit,

I was fingering chicks, two finger Louie with the pinky draw. You know what I'm saying? That's tremendous because you're fingering them and you got that little pinky and then muffler whether you go sideways or whatever. We shouldn't be discussed in this. What I'm trying to say is my fingers are out of the fucking... Out of...

Yeah, whatever the fucking call. So Mike got me the little fucking thing, and I've been working on that. But still, it's a dexterity on my fingers. Even for brains, too, it's like the fucking... It's three, five, so it's five, and that's seven, and then a pinky too. Oh, my God.

And then I got to go up. to three and five. And they get wider as you go out. And then two and three. And then one and three. And then I go back to the E. Right? Which is damn it.

Right. So what the fucking think you're dealing with? You guys think Uncle Joey is not doing this fucking homework? I'm doing my own work, bitches. I'm just, just work with me. When I'm ready, I will pick this guitar up and play it for you guys. I promise you,

the first people to see me play the guitar will be Patreon. And the next will be you motherfuckers. Okay? I promise you with all my. my heart but I've been working on it and I have been having a great fucking time so I want to thank Mike I want to thank a lot of you motherfuckers who have been so encouraging with the guitar if I knew so many guitar people followed me I would have done a guitar Patreon like five bucks people exchange shit let's have a fucking good time videos I just got to figure out a way

to send fucking videos on there I mean you guys are great and uh a lot of you guys have offering me help, offering me services and classes for free. I love you, motherfuckers for it. Mike is often. Let me do this. This is what happened with Jiu-Jitsu. I took too much in, and in the end, I didn't know shit.

Let me learn the basics from my teacher. Let me get the shit down. You know, I love doing it. I mean, there's no, I didn't know I was going to fall in love with it like I've been doing. Like, I could tell when I don't play the guitar that day.

Yeah. Like, I can tell. Like, I can tell now. Like, what the fuck? Something's not right. So, you know, I played the other night when my daughter was here, my dinner. My daughter was goofing at me. She's like, that don't sound like the song you were looking to play, Dad.

I was playing ACDC back in black. And she's like, it's like back in gray, dad. It's not back in black. You know what I'm saying? It's like, fuck. My daughter's goofing on me. I don't need this shit in my life. But, hey, you got to have a sense of humor.

at least I'm having a great time. So thank you for all the people for your encouragement. I've had a couple people that said, go fuck yourself. You suck on the guitar. You know, go kill yourself, all that shit. All they saw was the cocksucker blues.

Yeah, but that doesn't know. They didn't even see cocksucker blues. They just hate. You know, they just hate. You know, you have no right to pick up the guitar. How are you going to put the guitar over your stomach? You know, everybody's always got some fucking remark. And for you motherfuckers who haven't noticed,

Uncle Joey has been losing a little fucking weight if you haven't noticed There's one of the sweatshirts left over From the original fucking load When I made the T-shirts, they sent a bunch of sweatshirts So I might as well wear something great today I didn't want to come up here with a blue little fucking T-shirt on again

To wish you a happy Monday, it's Wednesday, bitch The sky is great Now it's a beautiful day outside in fucking Jersey But hey, I wanted to check in with you guys And tell you look, I have guests now I'm fucking trying guys I'm trying to go outside the normal. It's not like I've called Kay Quigley again and George Perez again

and the same people I've had on the church and tried to shove them down your throat. I've got out through a different fucking series of people. Just just let you know that we're trying here. This is called a hybrid podcast. Sometimes I'm going to come on. Sometimes I'm going to come on with a guest. And sometimes it's just going to be a fucking Zoom.

How's that for you, cuckuckuckers? I don't know. We're going to do it as we feel as it comes along. But it's not like I'm bringing you fucking, I'm trying to bring you new blood, guys. You know, for me to show up with the same people out on the church over and over again would just be a disaster. I'm trying to fucking make this podcast fucking work.

Thank you for the people, for all the encouragement on the podcast, on the joint. You know what we're trying? We're just trying something different. You know what I'm saying? A lot of people don't like this guest. A lot of people got mad at this guest. A lot of people got mad at this guest.

guys, this is free. I'm just trying to fucking do something to make your day go by a little easier. You don't make this rough for on everybody. So, enjoy what you get. Today, you got your Uncle Joey. I was missing you guys more than you were missing me.

I saw some of the comments, you people like, how come you got to have a guest all the time? Okay, then. Uncle Joey will make a comeback and say hello to you motherfuckers personally. What, you don't think I miss you, motherfuckers? Sure, I miss you, motherfuckers. I got a big week.

She's got softball game on Saturday. She's got fucking batting practice tonight. The batting cages. You know, I got a couple things going on. I got an NFT card coming out pretty fucking soon. We're working on that for Patreon. I don't know if you guys like art. The NFT things?

Yeah, the NFT cards. The crypto art. Yeah. Yeah. You got to show me. I'm going to show you a nice picture. And I'm going to have those for you, motherfuckers. maybe for 20 bucks we'll sell them,

keep them light, and so we're working on that. We're working on a couple things, and then we're working on me not getting a blood clot and fucking dying here. So, you know, now I don't know. Yeah, so I'll let you guys know on Monday what they said about the antibody test, see if I got any blood clots,

but I think I'm all right. I've been riding a fucking bike every day. I fucking started walking to strengthen the knees, so I go to a ball, field every day and I fucking walk around a few times and I get a little vitamin D. I wanted to switch it up a little bit now the weather's nice but uh that's it and that's that man I'm happy that you guys got a chance to watch on Wednesday I'm happy you guys are enjoying what we're doing here what we're trying to do and uh keep coming back and keep hanging out with us man you know I love you

motherfuckers with all my heart whether it's Patreon Facebook Twitter Instagram I got you motherfuckers every week. You know, like I said in the beginning of this, I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you, motherfuckers. And I'm just trying to push along. I hope you enjoy what we're doing here. We're trying our artist and the world's in a shit place right now. The more smiles, the better, man. So I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week. Thank you for watching this week, and we'll be back on Monday. I don't know if we're going to have a guest. I'll fucking surprise you, cock suckers. All right.

Stay black. Have a great week. And here's for a word for my motherfucking sponsors. Love you. Thank you very much for listening to the podcast today. Yes, you had your Uncle Joey

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I want to thank everybody who supported us. I want to thank my man Alessandro, who was on Monday. Monday, go give it a watch. And that tick, Cock Suckers. Have a great weekend. Uncle Joey loves you. And we'll be back Monday morning. Tip Top Magoo.

I love you, Cox Suckus. Stay black. Have a good weekend.