The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #057 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: April 19, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It's Monday, April 19th..... Today, it's you and Uncle Joey..... This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew & CBD Lion...... Go to https://go.blue chew.com/joeydiaz Go to https://www.CBDLion.com PROMO CODE: JOEY or CHURCH And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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Let's do this. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday. The 19th, the 18th. Who the fuck knows what it? I think it's the 18th. I hope it's the night. That's right. The 19th, the beautiful fucking day to be alive. I had a great, let me tell you something.

It was a great fucking weekend. She had three hits again. The team lost, but it's not whether you win or lose, it's how many fucking points you score. We all know that, but that fucking case. But it's been a lot different. I wanted to tell you guys about my week last week. It was fucked up.

I had two auditions last week. You got to put auditions on tape now. They're a fucking nightmare. I've been putting them on tape. for a few years and I'm good at it but that's still a fucking nightmare and they've been a nightmare more and more the last couple years because you cannot read the lines with your glasses on it's very unprofessional they cannot tell so you have to know your motherfucking lines right so I got to know my lines so I got two auditions the same week one was for a Cuban fucking dude okay which I never

got auditions for a fucking Cuban dude and one was for a fucking Italian dude where I had to speak fucking Italian, right? I don't know. I took two years of high school Italian. I don't know. I don't know about Italian, right? So, you know, I didn't want to put it on Mike. I was struggling with it, you know.

It's very weird lately that I read shit and I can memorize it. I can't, my memorization is fucking gone from this pandemic. I'm getting better and better, and I'm taking my alpha brain, but still it's fucking a little on the rup side. Never mind fucking a language, a different language. which I got a so I had this uh fucked up situation where my wife I finally went to my wife like Wednesday afternoon and I was telling her about I go you know I got to put these auditions on tape and they're fucking rough one's a Cuban dude and the other's a fucking Italian dude

with that speak Italian I don't even know what the fuck to start so my wife says fuck it let's just work on it let's work on it tonight and let's do it so she helped me a little bit Wednesday night Tuesday night I had worked on it by myself And Thursday I got up Fucking dragging dick Like I don't want to fucking do this right We finally did them I did both of them

I had a change I had to fucking combed my hair a certain way I had a fucking you know Because one dude was 1970 The Cuban So I had to comb my hair to the side And you know look at me I don't look fucking Cuban

So I had to convince them Like I know the lady So I had to explain to them like Listen it took me a while to do this audition because I was trying to grow a mustache, but then I realized I can't grow a mustache like most people in fucking three days. I got friends that become the wolfman in two days.

I couldn't do nothing. I couldn't do nothing. So I left it just enough, and I shaved around it. But even with the thing, but then later on, when I looked at the fucking tape before I sent it, my wife goes, they're both great.

You want to take a look at it? And I hate looking at myself. And finally, I looked at myself, and holy shit, I go, when I went to the gym Thursday, they told me I lost another three pounds. I go, Jesus Christ, I'm losing too much fucking weight too quickly. I'm sticking to these points

and I'm not eating pizza and shit and I'm working out. I saw the size of my fucking nose and I'm like, Jesus Christ, look at the size of that fucking bugle on your face. I mean, that thing is fucking huge. I've lost weight over here, so it's made my nose look like Michael Jackson on the greatest hits album. Have you ever seen the greatest hits of Michael Jackson?

He's got the fucking pigeon before the surgery, his nose is from here to here. And let me tell you something. I'm going to tell you a funny story that I told the guys on Patreon, I'm going to be honest as I can with you. When I was about from 1988 to the time I got, from the time I got out of prison

to about 1997, 98, I don't know when, how long. I'm just letting you guys know, this is how fucking crazy the cocaine had me. I wouldn't snort coke with people had a big nose. Like if somebody had a big nose, like a chick had a big nose, you ain't coming back to my hotel room

because in my mind, that bitch could put away some cocaine. You understand me? So I fucking didn't fuck around with people who had big noses. I still remember one time in Miami. It was this cute girl, but she had one of those little fucking hook noses.

And she was talking shit. And I'm like, listen, I'll take this girl back to the hotel, whatever, would do some coke. And I'm like, you know what? This chick looks like she could fucking out snort me. I'm not going to bring her. Look at that fucking hose on her face. So for years, I had a fucking problem with people who had a big nose and cocaine.

I just would avoid them. If I saw somebody who had a big nose, I'm like, I'm not doing coke with them. That's how fucking crazy. I was on the fucking drugs just to let you know. But I do this thing on Patreon. I did it one time, and I was going to do it again this week. This is the fun, you know, life is fucking weird how it works out.

You know, I was going to do it again. I did this thing about Angels on Patreon last month, where I put a picture up of a friend of mine who died, and I tell you the story of how he affected my life, you know. And last month I was going to do Anthony Balzano. this month, believe it or not, I was going to do Dominique Spatial. So when I get the call for the Italian audition, I'm sitting there rubbing my fucking head, and I'm like, who am I going to call for this?

In the last 10 years, I've only gotten one other Italian audition. It was for Boardwalk Empire. And I called this girl. When I was a kid, I had a friend, Dominic Spichichichio and Anthony Bousan. Anthony Balsano died in May of 78. and this is why I'm fucked up if you want to know why I'm fucked up Anthony died first

then my mother died in November of 79 and then Dominic died in August of 80 so I lost three friends once in a while I didn't want Mike to have to superimpose it up here and then you people are like ah you stole from fucking John Oliver whatever so I just brought a picture this is this is my brother Dominic

especially out he died on august of 1980 i still got his picture he's on my ancestor table i light a candle for him every week i lost you know when he died he had an older brother and he had a younger sister and i was tight with the older brother but he uh i lost contact with him after i left you know after i left jersey in 80 83 i lost contact with the older brother and i never really thought about the little sister from time to time i would go i wonder how he is doing he is I wonder how my you know she's doing and can you believe in 2007 I'm doing Tom Likis and out of nowhere he takes callers Tom Likis on his radio show and Fucking they go you have a caller I want to talk to you Her name is Vita she said that she grew up with you and I'm like

Are you fucking kidding me put her through and you know she put her through and she's like Coco how the fuck are you this is Vita? I'm Dominic's little sister and I grew up with you. I'm like, Jesus Christ, I remember you. I still remember her, like, coming around and Dominic chasing her away because she was younger. We were doing something. We were lighting something on fire or something, and she would walk up to us with a little dress and little shoes on.

So I've been tight with Vita since 2007. She came to my wedding in 2009. She did the whole fucking thing, you know. So whenever I get in the Italian, like even for the soprano movie, anything I have to do Italian, when I'm reading the lines or when I'm preparing for the movie, contact her and say is there something I could say here is there something now I'm gonna play for you guys what I had to learn okay this is what I had to listen to for

two fucking nights in a row I just want to tell you that just so you know that I'm not a fucking hack or whatever I try to prepare the most I can you ready this was on loop all night and I'm sitting there Svales Sotelo, and I would just catch on with. Investagore of Remy. This is what I had to do. Over and over. Three hours, Tuesday night, three hours on Wednesday night.

I had a fucking Italian headache. Listen to this. Is that her? This is her. So I'll call her, send her the lines, and she'll fucking send it back to me. So this was over and over. I had to do this.

over and over. I'll fucking turn this off. I'm about to lose it right now. That's why I listen to Monday and fucking Tuesday over and over and over and over. And I had a cap chup with the words. And you heard me. I was fumbling them just now.

So I had to fucking do it. I had to get up Thursday morning and start all over again. Coffee and that. Investigators, I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing. And brother, when I got at that last line,

because there was a bunch of lines I had to say that's just the beginning of it motherfuckers you have no fucking idea when I dropped that last line the fuck I could feel like the headache and everything just go the fuck away I was like Jesus Christ that's what was giving me a fucking migraine headache this Italian over and over and over and over it was seven hours of her on loop going on and there's three different sets of fucking sides guys so next time you see me and you're like Joey looks a little uptight this is what the fuck I have to deal with as soon as I finished that it was like who I sent them both in and then I had to fucking change in my head do

change my shirt and do the fucking Spanish one and do the fucking Cuban one and that one was a room filled with men like it was one of those where it's it's eight different people talking at once I don't have to tell you how how fucked up that audition was so I just broke it down to as small as I can I just took it so that It was one line meat, one line, and it just went to me. I had a rewrite it. I don't give a fuck if they get mad at me. And I did a speech before it.

I go, look, I know I don't look fucking, they tap Cuban to you. You know, you want me to come over here and talk like Ricky Ricardo and the whole fucking thing. And I go, I have a Jersey accent. I even explained the whole fucking Bay of Pigs on the fucking, on the, I love torturing people with the Bay of Pigs, but on the fucking audition video, I even showed them that they got the, Bay of Pigsworthy and a training camp

right here in Newark. I have the newspaper article from 1950 fucking 1960. It's on the bar right now as we speak. Yes, it's on the bar. There's a newspaper article that somebody found and he goes, I don't know what you want to do with this if you want to frame this or not.

And it was just a fucking article in the Newark ledger. There's not even a Newark ledger anymore. It's like the Jersey Star ledger or some shit. But it was from fucking these, how they were taking Cubans and training them in the mountains of New Jersey and shit like that. So I even went into that.

I go, the reason why I have a New Jersey accent is because I was trained in the mountains of fucking Q of New Jersey. I wrote my own fucking story for these people. So they're looking at this tape right now going, what the fuck that this guy do? Listen, I don't even care about the role. I just didn't want to let my agency down. And, you know, then they stopped sending me to fuck out. The Italian one I had to put on board because they do a lot of things.

and I want to be part of those fucking things. I want to be on board with those people. So I wanted to let them know, no, they do them here. I wanted to let them know that I'm here now. I'm on the East Coast and that, you know, they just do work on the East Coast. So I just want to let them know I'm on the East Coast. And I'm doing my thing.

And that's why I put it on tape. I'm not, listen, I'm not expecting to get this fucking Italian role. But it's better than not doing anything. You know what I'm saying? It's better than not doing anything. And it was just a fucking great week altogether. Then we rolled into, you know, I want to do each podcast every month on the 19th. I want to do a one-on-one podcast with you guys because it's going to be called, you know,

nine months after, eight months after. Today's eight months from the day that I left Los Angeles. And it has been a fucking miraculous change. miraculous for myself, my wife, and my daughter, this has been a period that I needed, you know. I also made the decision on not rushing into stand-up. It was bad enough, I rushed into a podcast, but I had to keep doing something and I had to stay active. I didn't want to rush into stand-up.

I wanted to take a breather. I wanted to really fucking be out there. You know, I was telling Mike, before we started the podcast, that this last weekend, I'm, And I wouldn't even tell you, motherfucker, is this? Because I don't want you to think that, you know, anything, I don't ever want to do a podcast and talk down to you guys. I love you too much. I just share these stories with you so you know what I'm going through.

You understand me? I don't tell you these things because I'm trying to be better than you guys or nothing. I read an article two weeks ago. You guys all saw it. You all saw an article about Rudy Sarzo deserves to be in the Hall of Fame or whatever, just for his work with Quiet Riot, never mind Ozzie, and then Whitesnake and all this shit.

So I called him up to congratulate him. He was putting my monsters of rock on that week anyway, and we got into a conversation. He goes, hey, I saw you playing the guitar if you ever want to do a lesson. I go, but Rudy, you're a bass player. He goes, no, I know the guitar left him right. He goes, you know, with Randy,

and then everybody else, he goes, to play the good bass, I got another guitar, and they started talking about the piano and all this shit, And I'm like, I love to do a fucking, I love to do a fucking podcast, whatever, which is Zoom, and just play the guitar for you, right? So it was Friday morning, and I went to the gym, and I set it up afterward. He's an early riser. And I think we set up at 12 o'clock.

I went to the gym. I ran home. I drank a little protein shake, and I came downstairs. I set up the amp. I set up the guitar. And it was, it was. it was completely different than I was expecting. He didn't even, he just told, just he goes,

I want to see you play the guitar. So I play, and I know a lot of people are like, you got a fucking guitar lesson from Rudy Seizzo. Listen, it wasn't nothing like that. He was just doing me a favor. Like he just, it's like a favor, you know. So all we went through, and I apologize right now that that stupid shit I did on Instagram with the guitar because I didn't want you guys to think I didn't respect the guitar I do respect the guitar I respect the guitar like I respect stand-up comedy and I was telling Mike that once the lesson started he goes let me just see you play what you're playing I showed him what I was playing brain stew and back and black and fucking nutshell the beginning and he goes just let's learn a fucking decort and he taught me this decore and he taught me this decoer

cord high and he goes first off I want you to put your elbow against your fucking thing and do not move it from that he goes that's a bad habit to get into that guitarist raised their elbow do not raise your elbow he goes take your fingers and he goes I want you to use them you have fat fat fingers and whatever you're not pressing hard enough he goes I want you to put your finger behind the guitar and I want you to use it like a vice grip this is what I want you to when you're pressing. I want you to fucking, I'm getting calluses on this finger already.

It's fucking tremendous. You think I was finger-banging. I'd crack hole or something. I'm getting like a little missile on my finger. I'm feeling it right now. And he just showed me all these little things how he wanted my wrist, you know, how my hand had a play.

And then he went into this whole theory thing that, guys, it was so intense. It was so fucking intense. I had to go on my draw. and take a football. Like the anxiety was so fucking much, but it just goes to show you of what and how you have to think

to get up to that level in life of anything, whether it's a plumber, a mason, a cook, a chef, a guitar player, you see the intensity. You know, you don't, you didn't, you guys didn't want to talk to me 15 years ago on my views of comedy. You did not. You would have not liked me.

My views on comedy, my views on the science of comedy is a very hard torture chamber. If somebody I love comes to me and says to me, I want to learn comedy, the brutally honest talk I'm going to have with them is either going to make them quit or inspire them.

Because I want to, I wanted to let you know we are not running a fucking game here. They're not running a game. You know, years ago, after I did the longest yard, I was working Tempe a lot. I could do Tempe. The guy in Tempe was fucking crazy. Remember, we laughed about him on the podcast of Burke Kreishe, when I said, rest in peace, cock suck, or something.

He was fucking out of his mind. I forget what the guy's name was. It doesn't matter. But I was working Tempe a lot. And there was a dog kid there. and you know he came up to me one day and he's like man i like what you do you know can you talk to me about comedy and i was like absolutely so he actually paid me for a room to go to sown he goes i have a room in tucson can you do the room so he goes do you mind if i go out to lunch

with you and my mom you know and i go no you know bring your mom if you want whatever i went to Tucson I got checked into the hotel and then I met him and his mom for lunch and his mom he was a young kid he must have been 20 21 22 and they wanted to ask me questions about comedy if it was him by himself I would have spoken to him and I spoke to him in an honest and authentic way no matter what but I let him know what needed to be done if he was going to be a fucking comic like i tried to help him like this is what needs to be done when i was with rudy the other day i felt the same way like if you're going to play the guitar this is what needs to be done like this is no fucking joke i don't want you to think that you know and the great thing about

me is i have no illusions of grandeur it's not like i'm 22 and i'm thinking i want to join white snake i'm going to learn the guitar in four years i'm going to put a band together this this is not for this For me, it's been relaxational. It's bringing me back. It's entertaining me. It's killing time during this pandemic. And I'm learning something at 58. I'm actually learning something.

I'm still keeping my fingers coordinated with my fucking brain. I'm trying to do something. You know, I was in such a rough shape. You know, eight months afterward, I was in such rough shape. Every week, I have been getting better and better. You guys have seen it. I have been getting better and better. I thought for a while there.

I thought I had a mild heart attack. Then once I did the surgery, I realized there was no fucking mild heart attack. Then we're through with the fucking surgery. That's in the past. We got the vaccine. So every week I get better and better. I sleep more.

I eat better. You know, I exercise more. I'm doing auditions every week. But it's taken me eight months from the fucking beating, you know, that was LA. when I talked to that kid that day, I could see like he was petrified afterward, and that's what you need to be.

I want you to know what you're getting yourself into, whether you're playing the guitar, whether you're going to go to vocational school, whether you're going to... The highest level of commitment is necessary for you to be the best. And I knew that. I always knew that with comedy.

In 2009, when I thought about getting away from comedy, when I thought about it, and then all of a sudden the podcast opened up all these opportunities. I strive to do one thing, and that was to be the best comic I could be. I wasn't trying to be better than Bill Burr. I wasn't trying to be better than Dave Chappelle. I wasn't in a war with fucking Kevin Hart. None of that shit.

I was just working on me. That's all you need to worry about, is how am I going to fucking, you know, I met comics and musicians. I've met people that are, you get so caught. up and what this guy's doing and what that guy's doing all I got to get the comedy store no you don't you just got to get on stage get on stage and in time you'll get to the comedy store but you got to get on stage don't go up there I got to get to the comedy store right now you know you're not going to get that you're just going to get frustrated you're going to get angry and it's going to fucking cloud your vision

just get on stage when the store is ready for you the store is ready for you that's a mistake a lot of people made but what I'm trying to get out here is a couple years ago in l.a you know like for me i was i was burnt out and i didn't had i had no fucking clue right now i'm telling you that i was burnt out i had no fucking clue today i don't feel burnt out but i'm not ready to go back to comedy i'm forcing myself to get used to my life here to be a family man here i mean saturday i went to a softball game first i got up in the morning with it i had worked out friday i had done on my weight watcher point so i got up saturday more morning and I went for a little walk. Like I told you guys, I'm doing a little walking therapy.

I didn't have to lift or anything. Then I took her to fucking MMA class. Then we came back with family. We had lunch as a family. We goofed around. I think we sat outside and stuff. It was still warm out. Then I went and did the fucking softball game. At the softball game, two of my childhood friends showed up. One of my childhood friends showed up with his wife and their grandson to watch my daughter play and then I was there with parents of a girl that we get along with that's tight with mercy and next thing you know two other parents that have boys showed up that are our friends just to support the girls so now we had four sets of fucking parents you know now that it's four o'clock and they're like what are we going to do do you want to go to a restaurant do you want to go to

somebody the one lady says why does everybody come over to my house we'll order pizzas whatever went and end up going back we ended up ordering a ton of fucking barbecue and they had cheesecake and fucking french fries and macaroni and cheese and whatever do they go off the deep end no my point is that fucking if it did if i was living in l.a that never happened that never happened where i got together with four fucking sets of parents and we just talked and just giggled and just cracked fucking jokes it was tremendous nobody was smoking weed nobody was doing bong hit nobody even smokes spot there nobody even brought it up i wasn't even high while i was there i was just fucking being normal trying to be fucking normal something i haven't been in years and now that i have the chance to

fucking to have a normal fucking life and then all of a sudden it's six 30 and i'm like looking at the clock and i go terry you know how happy i am that two years ago i would have probably had a fucking leave right now because i would have had a spot at the ice house i would have an early spot at the comedy store i don't have to go nowhere we could sit here and just hang out with the kids do you know how nice that fucking feels do you know how nice it felt when we came home and we we we put on cobra kylas saturday night and we watched the last two episodes she fucking cried and then we watched an episode of big city greens it's back the honeymooners wasn't on because the met's had a

fucking doubleheader my point is that i'm finally enjoying what the fuck is going on in my life or the other option was you know what i would basically i've been doing i would have called them at two from a hotel room and so what's going on and she's like we're here at the field and i'm here with this person and this person and this guy showed up and you know how bad i feel in the hotel room then i'm missing my daughter's fucking life because i'm doing comedy in some fucking town and and trust me i'm not complaining what i'm saying is that this is how i was living my life and I'm happy to be living a little different now, eight months later. You know, I hadn't been happy in L.A.

It hit me while I was here. I've been here, and I've been journaling, and I've been trying to write a fucking book with Erica, and, you know, this is all still going on. Me and Erica still talk three days a week, and this is still fucking on. I mean, we're still on. The podcast is the only thing I'm fucking doing. Being a dad is not the only thing I'm doing. You know, I am doing other things.

Like I said, we have auditions. We're doing the fucking. book but it's so weird how I didn't know how burnt out I was till I got here you know a couple years ago something happened I never complained about it I never talked about it on the church I'm gonna talk about it now right now that it bothered me I didn't know how much this bothered me to recent and while I was getting my head together it came up I don't know how many years ago Robin Williams killed himself you know God rest is so I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I was best

friends, Robin Williams. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I was a big fan of Robin Williams. I'm going to sit here and tell you that. I met him what time at the improv? I met him in 1983 in fucking Snowmash Village. He smelled like death. He was doing coke. And he ran away from me when we asked him to sign the box to Moscow on the Hudson. You know, I wasn't friendly with him. I didn't know anything about him. I respected what he did. And I knew he was a comedy store guy. So because of that, I had to give him the respect that he deserved. For years, people said he was a joke. Listen, they didn't steal none of my jokes.

I never met the man, so that was it. I met the improv one night, maybe two years before he died, maybe a year before he died. And he was just a meek little old man. And I was standing there with Rogan, and he came over, and he shook my hand. He shook Joe's hand. He said, it's nice to meet you, whatever.

I just came down here to watch you. Well, he was talking more to Roegan. He wasn't talking to me. He shook my hand after Rogan, to be honest with you. And he was just very nice, you know. But then all these articles and all these things, I started reading all these fucking things about comics and the dark side of comedy.

And that's what really pissed me off. Didn't piss me off if I kind of hurt my feelings. When CNN did a fucking, like, a thing about, you know, the dark side of comics. And I tried watching it for a little while on one then. I was like, you know what? I'm not watching this because, first off, I've been proving my, I've been trying to fucking prove to myself all my life that I'm not fucking crazy.

Now here's somebody else raising their hand saying that I'm fucking crazy. I'm not fucking crazy. Okay, you know, you're making a sound like with some whiny bitches that after we do comedy, we go home and we fucking, we're in the dark and we fucking think of ways to kill ourselves. No, it isn't. The only time I struggled like that was from 90, to 95, 96.

I was crying because how fucking cruel the world was and what I was going through with my daughter and how frustrated I was with comedy. But after all, that pain went away in 98. That was fine. I was just a regular comic who was addicted to drugs. There was no dark side of it. I had the addiction before I got into fucking comedy.

So don't blame fucking comedy for my fucking cocaine addiction. I brought that shit into my fucking coat, into my comedy world. I had nothing to do with it. You know? So when I got into comedy, comedy, I was looking into it because it was dark. I didn't get into comedy because it was fucking happiness.

I was getting into comedy because there are drugs. There are fucking venereal diseases. There are fucking, you know, this is a reality of it. I didn't get into comedy to be a fucking priest. I got into comedy because I wanted to fucking check out. Nobody gets into comedy because they want to be a priest to change the world or nothing like that. I just wanted to fucking check the fuck out.

So from society. Not from life. I'm not meaning from life. I'm not suicide king here. I'm just trying to fucking, you know, add light to this thing. But when I saw that, that they did like a three-part series on CNN, I'm like, why are they fucking, we already have a ton of fucking stigmas in our business. I already have enough insecurities.

I don't need for CNN to tell me I'm fucking crazy because Robin Williams killed themselves. It just ate away at me. But I will tell you one thing. I will tell you the dark side of comedy. You know what the dark side of comedy really fucking is? It's not comedy. It's not doing stand-up comedy. It's Hollywood.

It's Hollywood. It's that little stupid pressure that Hollywood puts on you. I didn't, I worked against it as much as I could, but you couldn't fucking, you still couldn't fight it all off it. that desperation that's in the air that little desperation that the agents have other comics have people when they talk to you you know after the podcast it's a different world it's not like you were on a TV show when I'm on a TV show and my name is Chuck and I'm part of a cast I'm playing a character on a TV show when I'm on a podcast I'm not playing a character this is who the

fuck I am so doing all these things brought out different things and people are you following what the fuck I'm talking about here this isn't this isn't this is how I felt there wasn't no dark side of comedy the dark side of comedy is depression that Hollywood puts on you those stupid things you know lately at night once a week I want three nights a week they show I'm dying up here on showtime I did like two episodes of that that show uh was Yeah, and my wife called me. She's like, hurry up, you're on the episode. I go, let it go.

I don't want to see myself on the fucking episode. But it looks at the comedy store from a different perspective. And it lets me look at it now without seeing the comedy store for a year from a different fucking perspective. And I'm looking at it, and I see the guy that Ray Romano's brother, I forget what his name is, he plays one of the characters. And he plays a down-and-out 50-year-old dad. has been playing in Vegas, you know,

and he is now looking to go into business with the lady who's playing Mitzie Shore. But throughout his second season, you could see this guy is snapping. And at one point, the mob played by yours truly comes to him and says they need their money back, or they got to be partners on his venture, and he has to pay them, whatever, doesn't really. really matter my point is that he snaps one night and he goes I you don't understand I just want to get off the fucking road you know somebody brought him to them that he was a bad parent and all

his shit and he's like I just want to get the fuck off the road you're out there fucking around lost you know to the outside eye it looks like a lot of fun and it really is and it's supposed to be fun all you're supposed to do how can how can there be a dark side to something that that is so fucking fun. How can there be a dark side to it? To something that is so fucking pure and lighthearted that if you go up there and you just crack jokes and you have a good time, it's,

it gets dark when fucking promoters and fucking club bookers and agents and that's the dark side of comedy when those motherfuckers get involved and one person's telling you one thing and the other guy's telling you the other thing and you don't even fucking know. And don't get me wrong, there's no,

dark side to comedy there's a dark side to music too you don't think i was the osie osborne what do you think i last week i was goofing around with you fucking people about fucking i don't fuck around with sharon osborne you know i wasn't i'm not making fun of sharon you know i feel bad for shan whatever what i'm saying to you people is that look at just take take the forget about black sabb forget about ozy osborne let's take uh ccr what's the fucking guy's name John the singer John Fogarty have you ever heard his story how he gets no money from CCR he wasn't allowed to sing CCR songs what do you think that does to you as a fucking when all you want to do is sing all I want to do is

play the drums all I want to do is play the harmonica all I want to do is play the violin all I want to do is play the skin flute and all of a sudden all these people are now all you want to do is comedy all you want to do is comedy and people go no you can't do that venue can't do that venue because there's not enough tickets can't do that one because there's too many tickets you can't do this one because the fucking union so that's that's what my dark side was it wasn't what i was doing at all by no means wasn't what i was doing the dark side of comedy to me was the agents the fucking club man the owners the managers the bookers the promoters you know 3,000, you know, so you

I was looking over my shit like I was dealing with fucking criminals half the time. I had to look over my shit like I was dealing with fucking criminals have to fucking time. Can you believe that? People that I'm somebody, you know, these are like movie people, nice, decent white people. I got to look over my shit because they're always beefing. They always got three hands in the fucking bowl.

It's amazing. So that's the dark side of comedy. You know, my life changed. Listen, there was a rough bump in my life, and it was July of 2016. And that's when I shot Degenerates, and I'm thankful for Netflix, forgive me that. I'm not going to sit here. I'm thankful for fucking everything. I'm very thankful for Netflix for giving me the half-hour opportunity.

What I wasn't thankful for was how the opportunity came abroad. And the things that happened while, and it wasn't Netflix. his fault you know his fault was it it was my fault i didn't see the writing on the wall i got blinded by the fucking smoke i'm but i'm a big boy and i admit that now i got blinded by the light i thought that all this shit was going to happen from me doing a half hour special shame on me shame on me those are my expectations but that was a big lesson for me but let me tell you what it did that plane right home from vegas after i shot the netflix special and And after the door went down, after Christina got up there

and the sound and all the bullshit from that night, that plane ride home was a very crucial time for me. Because it let me know if I was gonna do this, I was gonna do this on my terms. And it made me a way better fucking stand-up than what I was. It made, let me tell you something. In 2019, I was very good guys.

I could sit here and blow smoke up your ass. I'll tell you one thing. And you know, I tell you when I bomb, I tell you when I were upset, I'm not hit it I'm not one of those comics I killed tonight no you didn't I was in there you didn't kill you didn't fucking kill you yeah he'd a bag of dicks but if you killed if you thought you killed good luck to you I'm not gonna I'm not any to argue with you I tell you when I eat a bag of dicks nobody eats a bag of dicks like me

and it was very rare in 2019 like I just said the other day yeah I ate a bag of dicks in New Orleans and maybe a couple other cities but let me tell you some I look at those notebooks and I know what I was saying I know it was coming out of my mouth. I was right now in the result. I was having great shows in 2019. And the beginning of 2020, I was in my fucking, I was on a fucking role.

And if you people saw me in Atlanta, you know I was on a roll. If you people saw me out. And when I was in Vegas, I was on a fucking role. And you motherfuckers who saw me in Tempe in 2020, that weekend I fucking killed all five fucking shows. Because I was looking at it.

Before I talk shit, I have a notebook that I write everything to fuck down in. And I was kicking, fucking ass and it was all because of what I felt in 2016 but with all that in mind I was still fucking burnt out and don't get me wrong what I'm doing is taking time off from stand-up nobody said I was quitting I got a little high on those fucking pills in the beginning and I said I was retiring I'm not going anywhere what I'm doing is taking a breather which is going to make me that much more stronger every time I play that fucking guitar it irks me to

fucking write something the last two nights listen every fucking night Saturday night I put the UFC fucking fight on and I practiced my fucking guitar the only fight I watched was the gas woman the Australian fight the other four fights I was ice in my knee for one fight and penz in it and then the other 15 fucking 20 30 minutes I was practicing the fucking guitar and guess what I ended up writing something about the fight so I am writing fucking jokes I'm not ready to go back out there you know the fucking

jewelry goes into the liberation today I think on the fucking chauvin case God knows what we're going to go there in this fucking country so before all that shit happens Jesus Christ I might as well just take some time off and look at it's done me fucking great

guys I feel great I look great my attitude is fucking better you know I'm When I want to go to a comedy club, like Rich Voss, God bless his soul. I love that motherfucker. You know, if you ever get a chance to see him, if he's ever in Jersey, support him, because the help that he's given me between him and Florentine has been tremendous. But Rich Voss calls me all the time, and he goes,

anytime you want to come to one of my shows, if you just want to sit and watch, or if you want to do a guest spot, you're more than fucking welcome. The other night, I'm not going to lie to you. The UFC night, I was threatened to go to first. fucking tips because there was no fucking honeymooners and I was like pissed off that there was no fucking honeymoon so I was like maybe I'll go to tips and do a guest set but I'm not doing that I don't go viny three sets before I do anything so when I'm fucking hot and ready and I can

see it already that this little breather and me playing the guitar I told you guys for you to be creative you have to entertain if you don't get entertained it's tough to be fucking created you got to you know and listen for me it's not like i wish i could tell you that i'll watch a a netflix show and i get fucking motivated that doesn't motivate me anymore you know a biography motivates me you know something like that motivates me but me watching fucking tv doesn't motivate me at all that doesn't entertain me a good movie like the night a bunch of guys hit me up this week at close rangers on the night oh my god i had to fuck you You know, I just get into movies.

I'm an old movie nut. And I don't talk about movies on this podcast as much as I should. But, like, I think it was, yeah, that was my gift for doing those two podcasts, for doing those two auditions. Thursday night in the midst of my migraine, when it went away, I was like, what am I going to do tonight? And I went to see what was coming on. And at like, 10 o'clock at close range was coming on.

I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. I fucking went in there. I played the guitar from nine to nine. 59. 9.59. I fucking took two hits off the fucking pipe and I sat the fuck down and I watched a close range from A to Z. And you know what, man? It, I'm a real fan of good acting. Like I fucking love watching great acting when it's people that I like, I fucking lose my mind. And I was like, you know what, man? Look at fucking Christopher walking. Look at Sean. I mean, I have. I mean, I have. watched the whole thing that the and then during the middle I'm not gonna lie to you during the middle I got a little bored and I went back because I wanted to practice fucking brains too again because I'm trying to get my fingers to stretch out so I practiced it again but at the last scene when he fucking goes in with the gun and tries to get

Christopher walk and then I went back and I fucking paid attention and I got all fucking intense and my palms got sweaty and I'm like all right I got to turn this off now because I'm not going to be able to go to sleep but I did fucking fall asleep so everything worked out as fucking plan but that's it man we're here eight fucking months eight fucking months has come and gone i wish i were to give the guitar to you sooner you know i had that in december i was like i don't know if he's going to be interested in this i wasn't i wasn't i really i really wasn't worried about it i'm just happy that uh that we came i'm happy that i I got to look at myself from what the fuck was going on, you know.

I should have been the happiest I ever was after 2016, you know, and I wasn't. And I noticed that people around me, there was a lot of comics around me. Some were faking the funk, but I could see some comics were just caught up. And I knew of two comics that were just fucked up that I was talking to constantly, and they weren't feeling it. And now when we talk, we know what the fuck it was that we were feeling. We were fucking burnt out.

You know, there is a dark side to comedy. There is a dark side to music. There's a dark side to plumbing. There's a dark side to everything you fucking do. If you let yourself get taken there. If you let yourself get taken there, there is a dark side to everything. Listen, man, I know women who strip and end up fucked up

And I know women who strip and end up leaving with a fucking Mercedes-Benz, they put $50,000 away in a down payment on a condo, and they walk away unscathed. There's other strippers that fucking become strippers, and you see them 20 years from now, they're toothless with tattoos and biker tattoos on their necks. They belong to it. You know, who knows? It's how, what you control it.

You know, I fell into it when I got into comedy. I fell into the cocaine, and I could blame the store. I could blame the road. I could blame the improv. No. I fell into the dark side on my own. You know what I'm saying? And my dark side was cocaine,

which I cleaned up. And then the rest of the dark side was once I got involved in Hollywood. I realized how much I really didn't like and how much it really wasn't who I am. I just got into this game to do stand-up comedy. I didn't get into this game to go to premieres. I don't like looking at myself on a fucking camera.

I don't like, oh, this shit. You know, on YouTube, I go on YouTube when I'm fucking answering emails or something like that. And I'll just put the YouTube page on, you know, and I'll sometimes it's an old video of the church or something. And I'll go, Jesus Christ, let me watch it. I'll watch it. The longest I could watch one of those church videos is maybe 50 fucking seconds. And I go, what, who the fuck was that guy? And I look at the date and I go, what the fuck was I talking about?

And more importantly, what the fuck? How many drugs do I do that day? How many edibles did I do that day? How many fucking joints did I smoke that day? Was it really fucking necessary? I mean, I'm not, I had a great time. I'm not, listen, it was a great fucking podcast. It was great.

You know, but what the fuck? You know, I just caught a podcast the other day. I went to, and the reason why I retweeted it was because I was, like, in shock. We were talking, we had just put acid on the fucking ice cube. Lee was like, this ice cube tastes funny. I don't know what the fuck he was talking about a sugar cube, a sugar cube. We had liquid acid putting it on a fucking sugar cube on a fucking podcast, on a national fucking podcast that's seen all around the world.

You didn't even number that. It's called the acid church. Yeah, we didn't even, you know, it's like that was one of the many fucking acid days. Like I look at those podcasts and I'm like, what did I do that day? What did we do? Who gave us a pill? Who gave us, you know, a fucking ketamine? Who, you know, what the fuck will we thinking?

And listen, again, you know me, dog. I ain't bitching about doing drugs. I enjoy it. I'm no fucking quitter. But you have to revolve in your life. And I feel great now. Like today, it's, what is it, 10 in the morning? I still haven't fucking smoked dope.

You know? I still having to smoke dope. I'll smoke before two. I adhere to the rules. I wrote the rules. I got to adhere to them. But it's not like I used to get up and fucking, I would drink a cup of coffee,

and then I would be two, three bong hits in. And then I would be, you know, all day, I can hear him the wheeze in my throat. Yeah, I still got the wheeze on my throat. And I got the beginnings of emphysema. I know that. You don't need to fucking tell me that. But I do sound a lot better today.

I feel a lot better. I'm walking a lot better. I got my walking on. I can tell when I'm breathing. So I'm very happy I made this fucking move. So eight months later, it has been as positive as I thought it would be, hey, all right, I'm not doing standard, but I'm doing a fucking podcast.

And I'm learning how to fucking be a dad. I'm just adjusting to learning how to be in. a fucking dad and you know what last time i checked there ain't nothing wrong with that especially after i failed the fucking first time at least i'm humble enough and and man enough to say i fucking failed i couldn't come through for my child but this time it's going to be different and it is different and that's why i'm doing the things i'm fucking doing so i'm happy that you fucking watch today uh i'm happy that we got to open up a monday i know that you guys have been fucking uh why come you got a guest on a monday okay listen i'm coming on here and i got something

to say it's been eight months and this is what the fuck has happened and this is how i feel so i'm happy that you're fucking watching guys i'm happy that you uh are seeing the change in me you're seeing what's going on here and in time we're just going to keep getting stronger and better and we're going to put guests on whether you like them or not that's not my fucking problem uh that's up to you to decide i'm just going to keep doing my fucking job and keep doing what i'm doing being honest with you motherfuckers that's the best thing i could do so it's monday the 19th. I've been here for eight months. Thank you for all your support.

Thank you for watching. And we'll see you, Motherfuckers. Thursday. We're the guest, just so you fucking know. A good guest. We're going to have a great fucking time. And I don't know what I'm doing for 420. Yet, happy 420 for all the years.

I know CBD Lions got a sale I talked about in the beginning and at the end. I know that I'm going to try to do something with, I know that my man, is doing something that Be Real is doing something with Cypress Hill and it's going to be a pay-per-view event. I mean, I would jump on it if I was you.

It seems like it's going to be a lot of fun. You know, I love Be Real. We were supposed to do each other's podcast, but he's been rehearsing and, you know, we've been trying to put it together. I don't know what's going to happen today. If maybe I could go on there today and do a segment. But happy 420 to all you motherfuckers.

I'll be doing something. I'm going to surprise my Patreon people, but that's all I got for you. motherfuckers. Have a great week. Have a great Monday. And I'll see you motherfuckers. Tip Top McGoo Wednesday morning, 7 a.m. as usual. Have a great fucking day. And now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right. I want to thank you motherfuckers for watching on a beautiful Monday morning. Thank you for the earbeat and I gave you. I know you guys are like Joey the guest. So fucking Monday's outcome to you direct to start your week off on the right

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