The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #059 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: April 26, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It's Monday, April 26th..... Today, it's Uncle Joey gives it to you straight..... This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and Enter Promo Code: JOEY or CHURCH And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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And I know you cocksucker's been waiting for me all goddamn day. Candles are lit. It's 7 o'clock, cocksuckers. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday. April 26th. We're almost out of the motherfucking weeds Another month down

Let's start off by talking about the U.S. Listen, I don't like talking about the UFC Because it's Rogan Stings. He's the master of this shit I don't have MMA people on here Nothing like that But I do want to talk about what happened Saturday night Because it was a tremendous fucking card

I don't watch all the cards Like I didn't watch the Stipe card I didn't watch that fight I didn't watch the fight before I got shit going on now And I'm a little busy But this week's card I got a hand at the Dana White

You know me, dog, I talk shit That fucking card was pure heat And I go, what the fuck? I was looking forward to the card All goddamn week And I knew I was in a place of bet I started looking like around Tuesday But I got to make a confession to you guys today

About how I gamble Just so you know It's this easy And this is a secret And it's been winning for me lately I just don't say nothing about it But let's start on how I do it First of all, I got introduced to gambling as a child

I enjoyed sports games but I hate paying the fucking bookie okay big fucking big problem there you can't fucking gamble and hate paying the fucking bookie so I said if it's either between gambling or snort and coke both of them are vices which vice am I gonna go with I picked behind what was curtain number two I went with the cocaine because at least I'm looking out windows and I'm crawling and I'm looking in carpeting and I got a jerk off when you got dead dick there's challenges why am I gonna gamble it's easy I'm just going to give some place a bet, and I'm going to fucking lose, because I'm a loser.

I didn't know how to read fucking lines. But then I went to work for a sports betting service, okay? And I'm going to give you guys a big secret. One of the things of a sports betting service, when they call you and they go, Mike, how you doing? Pete Patello here, fucking Johnny Steele. I got a fucking parlay for you that's going to knock your mother's pear pussy out of the fucking hair socket. And you're going to, you're a degenerate gambler. So you're going to fall for it.

You're going to go, I fucking ballet. Holy shit. That's what I'm looking for. What's it going to cost me? Well, it's going to cost you $300 to make $3,000. Oh, fuck you, John Steele. I don't know if I want to fucking do that. You're a phony.

Okay, what you usually do as a sports betting salesman as you go, okay, fine. I'll tell you what. You don't want to fucking sign up with me. Fucking, uh, great. have it your way. I'm not going to sit here and argue with you over $300. But you know what? I'm the type of guy.

I'm a Christian. Let me help you out a little bit. What are you betting? And they'll tell you, they'll go. I have Jessica Andrade and I have Uriah Favre, Uriah Hall. Okay, automatically my response is to say to them, even though I don't know Dick. I don't know nothing about nothing.

I don't know about training camps. I don't know about fighters. My response to fuck with that. head is to automatically say listen one of your sides is right but one of yours is opposite will give it out tonight so you're gonna lose you don't tell them what the team is you just keep him fucking you just fuck with that person and it fucks at their head all night they're going fucking Johnny Steele told me I'm again when Johnny you know what Johnny you know what your chances are winning that ballet slim and

fucking none so the next day I'm gonna call you as Johnny Steele and go Johnny Steele here. Didn't I fucking tell you you had the wrong side with Jessica Androg, cock sucker? Jessica Andrade's a great fucking fighter, but you don't know what, you know, you don't know which one's going to show up. Last night she had the other monster head do. You know, she showed up with the fucking Martine Moreno look about a year ago and she threw Rose Maganis on a fucking head. You don't know what she's going to show up with. So there was so many fucking different great cards to fight last night.

So I looked at the Usman against the George Mazdabaal fight. there was too much emotion in that fight. Plus, I'm friends with George. This is why when you live in Jersey, you don't bet the Giants or the Jets because you get emotional. They're your teams. You grew up with them.

The Nets. What I was growing up, it was the Nets and the fucking giants. Rule number one, my friends would say, don't bet them because you're betting with your heart, not with your head. So I stayed away from the fucking Mazdava fight. I liked Valentina and I liked the other girl,

the other girl but I didn't I wasn't sure Valentin is a fucking hard hitter but I didn't know if this girl was gonna pick her up and body slam her when she did it against Rose I didn't think it was going to happen the the Anthony Johnson against the Australian ACDC came out the highway the hell I liked it I didn't know anything about him you know I know Anthony Johnson's a killer so I couldn't just bet that one on a roll and I kind of liked youriah Hall but I I like Chris Wyatman. He's a good guy. I didn't want to bet against him. So I was left on a fucking pickle. So now I'm left with fucking Thug Rose and Yen, the girl, the Chinese girl,

who I fucking thing is tremendous, right? So I'm looking at this thing and I'm going, just so you guys know what I do. So you guys know what I'm doing at night. I'm telling you one of my secrets. Most people don't tell you secrets. I tell you everything. Here you go. So the only thing I had left was Doug Rose and the Chinese fight. So I looked at that. at it and Thug Rose was an underdog. You gotta jump on that all day long, unless you fucking retarded, unless there's something wrong with you.

How can you know, Thug Rose and underdog, you gotta jump on that, blah, it takes you back to a couple of weeks ago when Steepai fought Ungayo, whatever is fucking, Nagayo, whatever's name is, the big African guy, not from Nigeria, from the other place. But remember he was a fuck, Stepe was an underdog?

How many people bet Steepay that night? A lot of motherfuckers bet steeper that night. I didn't even though I'm a big steeper me. Oh, cheek fang because I saw the fix was in. He's an underdog. They want you to bet that. They want you to say, how can he be a fucking underdog? So I said, fuck, I don't want to bet Rose just in case.

I think Rose could take her. But I don't know. But then, thank God to Draft Kings, they have the over and under on the fights, and they have the boost. So what do I do? Even with the dirty screen, I put it up. When I put those things up at night,

like I love Zion Williamson. I love betting New Orleans. They always cover for me. But I always put when I'm going to bet New Orleans up, listen, when I bet during the week on the NBA, it's $25, guys. I'm not getting rich here. I'm just doing it because I'm having a great time.

I'm with draft kings. And I get to watch the game for a quarter. You know, it's on TNT or something like that. I'll watch the game while Mercy's in the bathtub or something. The game starts at 7.15, and I'll watch it just to see how Zion is doing. But when I put that up on Twitter and Instagram, it's not to fucking promote it. It's to see what you guys say. Because if you guys come back to me and go, if I, even though I'm, let's say, let's say I love Anthony Johnson last night, right?

even though I love Anthony Johnson I know he's going to win I'm going to put it on there and I'm going to see how many people are going to go with Anthony Johnson if I see too many of you knuckleheads like Anthony Johnson I stay away from Anthony Johnson

because it's you have to go against the fucking crowd to win in bookmaking so when you look at someone everybody fucking likes them like everybody likes them you got to fucking be careful

so what I usually do at night is when I tweet those things or I Instagram them, I do it to see your reaction. All he has said Rose last night. Not one of years said when. So I was like, fuck! Now I can't bet Rose. But none of years made a comment about the over and under.

Not one of years looked at it was 4.5. That means it got to go five fucking rounds. Both of them. Trevor Whitman trains fucking Doug Rose and what Bruce Lee's uncle trains the girlfriend. from China, they're both very technical strikers. I knew somebody was gonna get knocked out. So 4.5 rounds, that was my best bet of the fucking night right there.

That's why I went with that. So when you see I put those things up at night for draft kings, I'm just trying to get a reaction out of you motherfuckers because you'll tell me who to bet. If I see that too many years like New Orleans, fuck it, I'll stay away from New Orleans. And sure enough, they'll fucking lose because all of you guys like them. And I'm not saying you guys are the kids of the debt.

I'm just saying that it's just a statistic. It's just a statistic to go against the fucking whatever. Like last night, once I placed that bet, Lee called me. You think I pick up that phone when Lee? When I got a bet it going, I don't pick up the phone with Lee. Why? Because he's the kiss of debt. My fucking luck will run the fuck out with Lee.

I know when it comes to gambling, you don't want to Lee around. Trust me what I'm telling you. You might get hit in the head with a bolt of fucking lightning. You never know. So when his name came up last night on the phone, Before the fight, I was like, fuck, no. I'm not going to take a chance by fucking taking this thing from Lee, whatever. No.

I'll just watch my little, and I got to tell you something, the fight was fucking tremendous. I got up in between the Valentina fight. I went upstairs. I made my little Michael Jackson tea blend last night, my little fentanyl blend. I don't even have fentanyl. I just call it my little happy nu-nu blend. I came downstairs. I drank it during the fucking Thug Rose fight, which last at one.

one fucking round. I finished in the middle of the fucking Usma and whatever. Dog, when that fight finished, and my heart goes out to Masvedo. You guys know I'm a big fan of his, and I love him to death. Usman just was a little better last night. That's it, and it happens.

Hey, listen, man, what goes up must come down. You could only go up so far, and then, you know, and I knew this going in, and it happens with comedy, it happens with everything. You know what I'm saying? You have a window. to fucking do what you need to do in this life and you want to make the best of it.

And that's it. But that's my gambling secret that I wanted to tell you. That's why I post shit during the week. If I'm going to gamble at night, I trust it out on you guys on Twitter. You didn't know Uncle Joy was a sneaky fuck, did you? Now to the heart and the matter of what happened last week, guys. I didn't see you guys a lot last week, and I'm very sorry.

I'm very sorry about 420. I woke up Tuesday morning to a fucking, Miss Carl from my sister that the lady who raised me died Mrs. Runny rest in peace It was fucking 420 420 all the fucking days But here's the weirdest thing on everything that I moved in with them like the week that Reagan got They were trying to assassinate them was the week of April 21st 1981 It's the life has a weird way of fucking working things out man and then i saw it this fucking week so i wake up tuesday morning

ready to smoke pot i was going to break my own rule and do an edible at fucking by one o'clock i had 200 milligrams picked out i was going to eat them the whole fucking thing i get the call at eight 40 you know that she passed as soon as i looked down i was like fuck i saw who was calling I answered and they told me she passed and they were going to do the wake on Thursday and Friday and whatnot. I just sat there for a few minutes. Listen guys, I wasn't as upset as you thought I was because I had made my peace with it. I had been expecting it. I felt bad about my brothers and sisters. I felt bad about my brother. They lost a wife and a mom in a year. He had to bury a wife and a mom. So that's what I felt fucking bad about. So,

I didn't hang up the phone with him. I wasn't off the phone 10 minutes. I went upstairs. I had breakfast with my wife. I put my daughter on the fucking bus. The whole thing, I went in the shower. I got out of shower. I got another miss call.

Another friend of mine. His mom was having a hard time going to the bathroom. And she had stomach pain. And she had to get rushed to the hospital. And this is her baby. This is, he's one of my best friends in life. and I could hear his vulnerability on the phone. I mean, he was fucking in shock.

Like the last person he has left in his life is his mom. So I could feel it in his voice how bad he felt. You know, he was like, I had to take it to the hospital. I don't know. They found the lump in her stomach. They're going to do emergency surgery. I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to start.

I said, wait 10, 10 minutes, let me fucking wash my pussy. I'll get in the corner, I'll come up, and I'll hang out with you, and I'll help you out, whatever the fuck you need. He's my brother. What do you want me to do? So I killed like 18 birds and one stone. I got a couple bags of weed, like goodie bags. I flew up there.

I sat with him. I took him out to lunch while his mom went to surgery. I made him laugh. I made him giggle a little bit. You know, I needed to get the fuck out of here anyway. I went up there. I sat with him. Once he thought his mother was going to get taken out of surgery

We went back to the fucking hospital I gave him a big hug I stopped by roses deli I saw my nephew Nicky A I saw Mikey chick I dropped off a fucking bone on them And I fucking uh shot back down here and uh you know It was just one of those fucking days by the time I got home it was seven o'clock It took me an hour to fucking you know I can't see it fucking night when I drive. In fact, I'm getting my glasses. I had to go to the optometrist last week to get new fucking glasses. Real glasses, because I use reading glasses. They fuck up my eyes. And I fucking use, I got no night glasses when I drive. So I can't fucking drive at night. So I got to shoot down. I was going to hang out with all those guys up there. And then Thursday, you know, sure enough, like I told you guys, I don't want to commit anything right now. I do not want to commit the shit right now.

summers about my family. I don't want to say, tell you, I'm going to be there June 21st, and then I got to call that June 21st. My daughter has a softball game and I'll cancel. So before I do this, I don't want to do nothing. I put some audition on tape three weeks ago. When do they fucking call? Tuesday! That's when they call. 420 in the middle of this whole fucking thing. They call Tuesday to see if I could do a scene on Thursday. I'm like, God, this is what I'm fucking talking about. I got awake on fucking Thursday. But now instead of the fucking wake, I got to shoot this goddamn thing. What do I tell the fucking family?

You know what I'm saying? And they wanted me to do the COVID test, even though I had the fucking vaccine and the whole goddamn thing. So I'm like, all right, fuck it. You know what? I need to do a little work. I need to, you know, I got this shot. What I got to shoot for?

They sit in my fucking house and fear. So I said, fuck it. Let me go up there, work a day. I think I work a day next week. Then I work two days at the beginning of May. And I'm out of this fucking thing. It's not a bad little movie. It's not a bad little role.

So I shot up their fucking Thursday nice and early. Wednesday night, they did the fucking swab. I shot a few hours, and I shot back the fuck down here. I was done. It felt great. It felt great to act again, two fucking lines. I felt like an asshole, but I did it. And then Friday morning, I got to tell you what happens.

So Friday morning, the wake is at 9. They're going to do like a little mass at 9.30. and then they're going to take it to the cemetery and do all that stuff okay I said I'll go up there for that that's even better you know I'll meet them at Veneer's at 9 the funeral parlor and then it's so funny that I grew up in that funeral pal like I grew up with that fucking dude I love him with all my heart he's like a brother to me so we're all friends with a guy that owns a funeral paul that's only like a fucking that's a fucking like a TV show.

Like nobody knows anybody who embalms people for a living. I know somebody who embalms people for a living. He's never told me what consistent in the embalming. They got to take a secret when they get the license and shit like that. But I have a fucking idea of what they do to you. But anyway, not for the here or there.

So, you know, I live in fucking South Jersey. All you hear about is Route 9's going to be a motherfucker up to New York. It's a fucking heavy duty, whatever. I got up at 6.30 in the morning. I said, let me get up. early eat some breakfast at my family see my daughter before she goes to school and then I shoot up there I'll be up there by nine I'll do the fucking funeral the whole thing I'll go to the after

party with the family and I'll complete my commitment I did what I had to do I don't I don't feel as bad listen I don't feel as bad about this because I've been there for for 40 years. I've stayed and I kept in touch with him and I acted like a man like with my mother how my mother wanted me to act. I did all the things I had to do. I stayed in touch with them over the years. Mike visited me in Colorado. Mike was my best man for the wedding. You know, when I came back here in 93, I actually stayed with Mike and his wife. His wife bailed me out of my fucking hole, helped me out financially with money. What happens? 15 years. years later, their youngest daughter gets cancer.

I have an opportunity to help them out. And I go in full swing. I put up to GoFund me, the whole fucking thing. We help out. You know, I move here. I get off the plane. I'm not even off a plane a month. His wife died.

I could have came up with a thousand stories. I drove to fucking Delaware, even though I was fucking petrified of COVID. And I had to eat those fucking little footballs the whole way. It was September 7th. And I was still eating those fucking. a Brazaman, whatever the fuck they are, those footballs, I must have eaten eight footballs

just to walk into that fucking funeral, but I did because my brother needed me and that's what a man does. I didn't know this when I was a young kid. I thought there was all about something different. No, it's about being there. I didn't know this shit. When I got up here, they told me

they were going to have a get-together. I showed up to the get-together. I brought my family. When they told me she was sick, they were going to have a few get-togethers to go down there. I fulfilled all my obligations. And for the funeral, I fulfilled all my obligations. So I didn't feel as bad at all as you guys might think.

I left here nice and early. I looked at the fucking waves thing. I got to take waves. I don't know where the fuck I'm going, waves, waves. I don't know what the fuck it is. I pressed that in. I press in the fucking address to a different place because I cut through North,

I cut through Cliffside Park into North Bergen. because if you go into North Bergen through Route 3, it's fucking traffic out the fucking ass. So I said, fuck it. What I'll do is I'll hit it from this angle. But you know what? I got on the thing and I said I would get to up by there by 812. I was in fucking shock.

I go 812. What am I going to fucking do for 45 fucking minutes? So in fact, I went up my old way. I said, fucking I'm not even going to go through clips. It made me go up through Route 3. Right through, I get to see my grammar school, McKinley. I got to see fucking where I used to walk behind every day. I got to see my old neighborhood.

So I said, fuck it, let me exit Kennedy Boulevard, hooker left. I'll shoot down. I'll go, you know what I'll do? I'll go by my mother's cemetery. Say hello. I got to the fucking cemetery. The gate was fucking closed. Only me.

So I went the long way. I just went on the corner and I fucking yelled at her from outside Ma, I love you through the fucking gate Only Uncle Joey could think of that If you make a fucking left If you make a right onto whatever that street is It's Carmine Balzano's house

There's a little place there where you could pull over And I can't really see it with my eyes But I kind of know the area she's in So I go Ma, I love you Tequero, you know, in Spanish Some lady was walking the dog He's like, what the fuck is wrong with that guy? I couldn't get into the same.

cemetery the the top thing was closed and the back gate was closed so I fucking hooked down a tunnelie avenue straight up shot up fucking 64th Street 76 street what's 64th Street 76 street I hooked it right down there and I sailed right into fucking veneeries like I owned the joint I get there and it's fucking 812 I look around I go there's nobody fucking here what am I gonna do so I call Mike and they go we're over here eating breakfast right around the corner so I went over there I got to sit with three of the brothers and the sister joan we ate breakfast we bullshit i gave them all that little joint for fucking

afterward because i got a little wrench thrown at me that day that thursday night i got a call you ready for this one i got the screen the soprano flick the many saints in newark i'm not going to tell you about it all i could tell you is i saw it get the fucking hint you understand me that's all i can tell you look I saw it tremendous okay so those eyebrows are a good thing so they told me the screening was at 11 so I go fuck I can't go to the fucking burial but that's fine we'll work it out all that all I need to do is hug my brother hug them let them know I was there for them bullshit with them we had breakfast the whole thing but then there was more fun to be had then I went over to veneeris because I we had to be over there at nine so they're like are you driving what are you going to do i'm driving

right around the corner i mean i could have walked over there it wasn't even it worth to drive but i couldn't leave my car there on where i was because they give you tickets every two fucking hours so i fucking go up to veneerries i park in veneer's funeral parlor there and my buddy tommy sharp who comes on he's like hey man uh you're gonna stay for the funeral and go no i got to fucking go into the city but I'll come back at like two and pick up the fucking car he goes just turn it around and point it that way so we know that you're part of a funeral thing like all right no worry I turn around I walk into veneery funeral parlor like I said I've known anthony for fucking 40 years 55 years I've been friends with anthony we were fucking kids that funeral parlor I used to work

there as a kid I would open the door for people we used to pick up bodies I did everything for them you know what I'm saying I mean he's my brother How many times do we go to Kennedy Airport to pick up a body? Newark Airport to pick up a body. So I know the parameters of the place. I know it's creepy, but what do you want to do? It is what it is. When I was 17, 18, I had to do whatever I needed to do to pick up to small 40.

You know, he paid me 40 bucks and take a ride to pick up my body. 40, 50 bucks. You know, he gave me like $35 a funeral. I had to open up the door for people. I'm sorry. You don't know what it's like to open up the door for people and look at them and go, I'm sorry. It's a fucking nightmare, but that's what I did.

I was just, yeah, I used to have a nice shirt, my jacket. I'm sorry. And they would walk the fuck in. So I walk into the funeral parlor. I don't even, I see a bunch of people mingling. I look into the office and I see that the office is completely empty. My buddy Anthony, I don't know what the fuck Anthony is. Now, when I was a kid, me, Anthony and another kid, Roger, God rest of his soul.

Our total relationship was based on busting each other's balls. So we would call Veneeris, and the father would go, hi, Veneeris funeral, Paul, and we would go, I want to rock, rock. And we would hang up on him. And Anthony would tell him, who the fuck calls up there and says, I want to rock and all this shit? You know, shit like that, you know.

We used to run over whenever there was a summit, whenever there was a funeral, there were a little orange, what do you call those orange things they put out so you don't run, you know. Cones. They used to be orange cones and me and Roger used to run them over at night. You used to run him over while he was standing in front of the thing for a funeral with the family standing outside while they're waiting to put the body into the fucking car. There'd be a little yellow cones, orange cones. And me and my buddy Roger and Stinky would run right over him in front of him.

He would just close his eyes and shake his fucking head. So we've been busting his balls in this funeral capacity for years. So I see that he's not sitting in his chair. Nothing bothers him more than when somebody sits in his chair. So what do I do? I go. I sit in his chair and I wait for him to come back. He comes out with a bagel and coffee.

He's like, what the fuck is going on? I go, dog, sit over there. It's different. Change it up for once. I could tell he wasn't too fucking happy. But I didn't even think about it. You know, I went into the parlor. I saw all the rest of the runny fan.

family, the cousins, fucking the grandkids, the nieces, the nephews. It was fucking tremendous. I saw a little baby. My niece Kelly had a little fucking baby. I got to see her, her husband. That was the best part about it. Then I walked into the fucking, you know, where they have the casket and stuff. And there was an open casket, old school.

And there was a bunch of pictures, and I looked at the pictures, you know. And I was like, wow. I put my glasses on. I was like, this is fucking crazy, you know, that had pictures of me in the living room and 40 fucking years, you know. And I went, I knelt down, you know, and right away, the fucking comedian in me has to come out, you know. I say my little fucking prayer,

but I don't know about you guys. I don't know if you've ever been to a wake. I don't know if you go to wakes. I don't know if you're practicing waker. There's people who like going to wakes. I don't like going to wakes. and I'm going to tell you one of the things that bothers me the most at the wake is that you have to go up to the body.

And if you're Catholic, they usually have a little place where you kneel down and you're saying our father or hell marry or whatever the fuck is it that you're going to say. You know, I'm Catholic dog. I know they're pedophiles and shit, whatever, but I got to, I got to, I got to stick to the rules for right now. I'm 58. You guys are 20.

You got plenty of time to make goo. God I'm 50 and I go on any day I gotta stay on this good side right now so I can't be talking shit right now so I go in I kneel down I don't know by you motherfuckers when I kneel down when you kneel down you're supposed to put your hands like like this like praying hands put your head down and close your eyes listen whenever I pray I close my eyes but when I pray in front of a dead body I always got one eye open I don't give a fuck if it's my mother I don't give a fuck if it's my uncle. I don't give a fuck if it's an enemy or it's a loved one.

I got my eye open looking at that fucking hand. Do you understand me? And, dog, I could tell you how many wrinkles they have in their fingers, even without the glasses. When I go to a fucking wake, I'm praying, but I'm praying with one eye closed, dog. I got one eye on that body in case that motherfucker pops up. I got a jump on that motherfucker.

I watch the walking dead and it's uncomfortable. I don't like none of that. that shit you know part of the bombing thing is breaking spines and and you know a lot of shit you know embalming and because I heard about stories like that arms could pop up like if an arm pops up yeah if riga mortar sets in you got to break the fucking arm and then can you imagine being at a fucking funeral and your grandmother's arm pops up and next thing you know they get they got to come with a hacksaw like the guy and snatch when they cut off banisha d'ooro's hand You got to cut off their fucking hand.

Listen, I don't know anything about it. I don't want to see it. When I fucking go to one of those goddamn things, I keep one eye shut and one eye on that fucking dead body. Because if that motherfucker squiggles a little bit, you're never going to see me. Dog, you're going to see my fat ass. I'll run up against anybody in the Olympics.

Bring the Chinese, bring the Iranians. I'll outrun any of those motherfuckers. When I laid down, I kept my eye open. I said my prayer. I thanked her again for taking me in. I told her to say hello to my mother. Don't forget to say hello to my mom. She's going to thank you for taking me in.

Say hello to Rob for me, her husband, Mr. Runny. And I got up and I fucking hung out with the boys for another 30, 40 minutes. We bullshit it. Just what the family does. I'm part of the fucking family, man. you know and I got in the car the guy text me and said I'm out here to pick you up to take you into the city to see the soprano movie I left my car and I went into the fucking city and you know what man I sat there and I watched that movie and I didn't feel guilty I didn't feel anything I enjoyed myself because I did what I had to do and I fulfilled

of my commitment for 40 of being friends with being involved with the runnies for 40 fucking years. I mean, for a guy like me and for a guy to know the type of person I am, the piece of shit that I was for me to keep in touch with these people for 40 years for what they did, I look at it as a feather of my cap and I'm very proud of myself. So with that, you know what I'm saying? I mean, that was the fucking week I have. but I'm very, very sorry. I didn't make a 420 video for you motherfuckers.

You know what? I got 800 podcasts. Go look at them. There's me smoking, dope, and all those motherfuckers and heavy-duty fucking reefer. Not what I'm going to do now. Right now, listen, the other day I cheated on you, motherfuckers. I didn't smoke until 222.

That's how bad I'm getting. That's how bad I'm getting. I could tell that this, you know, I just had to bring down the numbers, guys. I'm smoking refit. That's 35 fucking percent. I'm smoking refit. I smoke with people,

and I look at them and they're like, fucking, you know, and I don't basically get high. So I'm like, you know what? Let's give my lungs a break. I've been getting a lot of messages lately of people saying, this pandemic, I smoked a lot. I realized that I really started smoking a quarter a week, a half ounce a week.

I'm giving it a fucking break. There's nothing else to do. It's like people were drinking alcohol. just got a phone with a dear friend of mine who said that he got together with another dear friend of mine and he goes i don't know if you've talked to him lately but his alcohol problem has fucking tripled and i'm like dog what did you expect during the pandemic what did you expect during the pandemic this was a time listen man i went off to fucking change from april to september i was part of the fucking problem myself you know i told my wife yesterday i'm the kind of person don't tell me

what to do don't tell me what to do and I'm gonna tell you why I'm not telling you as a in a threatening way I'm not telling you as a bad guy way it's I don't want you to tell me what to do I'm the type of guy I don't want you to tell me what I have to do I want to figure it out on my own I know what I have to do let me figure it out on my own when I'm ready when I'm good and fucking ready I'll adjust to it I don't like when somebody has to tell me something i've made a my life that's one of my life goals that not let somebody like i didn't want somebody to tell me hey bro it was time for you to leave the comedy store look at you got white hair you got wrinkles on your face you're a fucking

embarrassment you're a fucking old man get the fuck out of here not that i'm saying that's the point but i'm just saying to you i don't need you know people saying to me things i told my wife yesterday you know last night we were talking and I go we went out to dinner I didn't tell you you guys just that watch the podcast I tell you everything so I'll tell you this when I got here with my wife August you know I was I was going to fucking whatever the fuck I was going through it the anxiety was high level and little by little it came down but every time I was around the public I was really melting the only thing that kept me together was eating those 30

milligram hash tabs and the fucking you know ABX and fucking the little footballs the fucking as that as a lot a salopram the footballs I didn't know what else to do I was falling apart inside I'm not gonna lie to you guys and one night went out to dinner me uh Florentine's child my child Jim and his sister and my wife and the next day I breakfast not with my daughter there my wife was like hey man last night at dinner you were a little fucked up than usual you were nodding and shit like that i go i know i got i got to get something together with my and within one week i put my plan together on how i was going to get off the benzos and how i was going to get off edibles and i was going to switch the

edibles so i could start going to bed at fucking 11 o'clock at night you know i did this on my own i felt bad that my wife had to say something to me but i knew eventually i had to fucking stop this I had to stop the way I was living. Even though I had insane fucking anxiety, this wasn't going to work. This was not going to fucking work. I knew when I came and I got on the scale and I was 316 that Jesus Christ,

I put on 20 pounds and I haven't even been here a fucking month yet. So I knew all the things that had to go down, you know? And you know what? Look, I look a lot better. I feel a lot better. I sound a lot better. when I switched to whatever, you know,

my daughter walks in at 4 and she walks in through the fucking downstairs. And then when I was having the surgery, you know, I was downstairs half the time. She would come downstairs and check on me, you know. My daughter's like I was when I was her age. I knew what was going on. I just didn't say nothing.

You know, she's not a stupid kid. She smells that marijuana. she's never physically seen me smoke she doesn't see any of the pipes she's never seen a bong nothing but she does smell it has she ever said anything to me no because she knows and she's known since i lived in california because when i would live in california i had a back bathroom behind my office that led to the outside so i could open the door and go outside and smoke the bong and locked the door to the bathroom do you know how many fucking times i came out of that bathroom and she was sitting on the computer waiting for me

and i'm fresh i mean yeah i gargled with listerine i wash my hands but you could still smell it in your fucking clothes she's not stupid but yesterday i smoked in the fucking house or was it yesterday maybe Saturday or Friday I smoked in the house she wasn't home it was in the afternoon she's in school I went upstairs and when I came down the stairs it wasn't like I smelt it downstairs I smelt it by the front door and I was like thank God my wife isn't home because any day now I'm not going to be able to allow to smoke in the house I think this is the last week I think this is it From now on, I'm going to smoke outside when I do smoke because this is what you need to do. This is what needs to be done.

I don't want to catch me, you know, it's, listen, if I want to smoke a joint at night, why don't I roll a joint and just go down the corner? There's a parking lot, there's restaurants, there's pizza places, and you go over there and smoke. It's no big deal. As a kid, I went for a ride and smoked. I don't want to smoke in my car. I'll go to a destination that's close to here, smoke a joint, and then drive back it's it's a fucking half a block away the chances of a cop pulling me over or me

hitting a pedestrian or something a fucking slim and none i mean trust me it's like two tens of a fucking mile to where i go smoke and if i make a right i got a spot and if i make a left i got a spot so these are what i have to do i don't i don't want my wife that to come tell me and go hey dog she's getting to that age where you can't fucking spark in the house anymore but my what i'm getting to is I got to be honest for you. That's why I didn't do. I was happy in a way. There was, listen, they all contacted me

for me to do some big 420 thing and charge you guys 20 bucks and sit here and for a fucking New York minute. I'm not going to lie to you guys. I thought about renting Uncle Vinnie's. I thought about getting Jessumet Paluso and Lee and Mike

and going down Uncle Vinnie's on Tuesday at 420 and doing a fucking $10 ticket and smoking dope and introducing new products and you know what this is my final conclusion number one I would be lying to you because I'm not Johnny 420 no more I'm not smoking the amount of dope or eating the amount of edibles to justify this thing to you when I put the pictures up on Twitter and fucking whatever it's to help out my friends over at the ice cream shop and they send me that stuff so I go to sleep at night but I'm not

popping that shit in the daytime Look at my eyeballs. Look at me. I'm not popping that shit in the daytime. So I'm not Captain 420 no more. I wish I was. I wish I was and I had the balls. I would have charged you all 20, 15 bucks.

I would have got Jesseme paid, Mike paid, everybody would have got paid and we would have smoked some dope and whatever, but that's not who I am anymore. I wish I fucking was. I really wish. You got to hydrate cuckuckuckers. But that's the reason why I didn't do on that stuff. You know, I'm not the same guy I was.

I wish I was, you know. I got some fucking... I got some great fucking refra. I got some great fucking edibles, but it's just not working for me no more. So when it does, I'll be back. What type of person would I be if I went out on there and just smoked a half a joint?

I'm Captain 420. The fuck out of here. I was Captain 420 at one time. Don't get me wrong. I could out smoke all those motherfuckers. You guys know it, and you guys saw it. They couldn't deal with Uncle Joey, but we all grow up eventually.

It's like some guy last week. I want to do a fucking Zoom without smoke you. Who cares? Go jump up and down. Go get your skateboard and go down the hill. You know what I'm saying? And what are you bothering me for? Fucking people.

Yeah. What am I? 10 with a hat with a propeller. I'm an old man. I'm lucky I'm fucking walking around. You know what I'm saying? But that was my week, man. And this weekend, listen, I'm adjusting to a normal life.

I have not had a normal life since day one, guys. My mother was a bar owner. I saw my stepfather shoot a guy. You know, my mother died. I never really had a family. Guys, this shit is all new to me at 58. I mean, what I'm doing on the weekends now, I'm thinking of switching a podcast to Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Because my weekends, Mike has kids, I got kids. It's not what it used to fucking be. I got a kid, you know, and Saturday's on part of something. Saturdays, I mean, this Saturday, we fucking, you don't got to believe last week we were sitting upstairs, and we got this smell in the house. We're like, what the fuck is burning? So three nights in a row, we could smell fucking rubber.

It was something to do with the goddamn generator. So Friday, we had a fucking, when I came back, or Saturday, the generator fucking guy came, And he's like, yeah, there's something. I got to come back Saturday and replace the fucking thing. So I didn't want Mike to come up. We were going to shoot a video and show you, Mike. No, forget it.

Because they didn't, thank God, the fuck. And I knew it. I knew that that was going to be a bad day. When I woke up, I knew it, because I heard the fucking guy down the corner. It was cutting 1,000 to 50,000 fucking trees. He had like 80,000 fucking Mexicans out there with sores and helicopters and fucking another guy. I swear to God, they had some thing that was just trimming off little fucking

fucking trims like a what do you call those things that fly in the air like a drone it was the weirdest thing what they were doing it saying oh i'm like it would have came right through the fucking microphone so thank god between them drilling this fucking guy drilling i was like enough had enough fucking drills so they had to make a new hole for the but you know on saturdays i'm part of something guys i'm part of a five family traveling fucking parents and And what we do is we meet, you know, each of them have a game. We all meet at one of theirs games. And then we go and we support the other kids' games.

And then after that's done, we all fucking pick a place and we go eat dinner. So last night, a Saturday night, it was fucking 10 of us in a fucking pizza parlor with the kids and the parents. It had to be 10 of us, 12 of us, something like that. It was like five kids. So that's what I'm part of now. I'm sitting there going, holy shit. What the fuck is happening with my life? You know, what the fuck are these people?

They're talking about shit that I've never spoken about before. And all of a sudden, I've got to catch myself and go, time out. This is what normal people do. You're the unnormal one here. You're the one that on Saturdays was in a hotel room, getting ready to do a comedy show. I mean, I told them last night at the table, I go, guys, it's 8.30 at night. and right now I'd be getting ready

to fucking go do a comedy like right now I would have had to leave you guys I'd give my wife a kiss I wouldn't either be here or I would have had to give my wife a kiss at 7 and kissed her and the baby and go I gotta leave I gotta go do a comedy show

and I would miss all this I don't want to miss this shit no more like if I do comedy if I go back to comedy it's gonna be up during the week it's not gonna be on Saturdays because I can't I don't have fucking time unless I do it in the winter. I don't have fucking time during the sun.

I don't want to miss this. I don't want to miss this. I feel bad. There was a game on Wednesday night or guys. It was the coldest I was all winter. Do you understand me? It was 47 degrees with the wind. It was like 39.

I had my knee braces on and thank God I wore them to keep my knees fucking warm. I had knee braces. on jeans long sweat socks sneakers I had a fucking thermal shirt a sweatshirt a vest that blue vest I wear the thermal vest and a hooded sweats shirt and a blanket and I was still freezing my fucking ass off I felt like I was in San Francisco in September at a fucking football game me and my wife were huddled up and she had her own blanket and I had had my own blanket she's like we should have brought coffee go fuck you for what

Every time we would have picked up the coffee, I would have froze to death. What am I going to bring up fucking coffee thing? Well, coffee don't do dick in that cold weather. But we sat there and we watched four innings, the girls' baseball this week. I mean, listen, all right. The game started at five and it goes till six 30.

It's like four innings. By five after six, I had to run to the car and get fucking warm, and I had to pee. I had to fucking pee like a motherfucker. So I went by the car. I took my dick out. I may believe I was moving bats around and shit. and I just, there was a fucking dog I peed.

It was a circle this fucking big. And then I peed, so it was going to be like with my daughter stepped in the car. So I just moved the car up, right? I moved the car to the space up so I could watch my daughter more. And I didn't even move the car up. And some guy moves up behind me. Some guy moves him behind me. Him and his wife and their kids and they get out.

And they stepped in right into the fucking puddle of piss. And I'm like, and the guy's looking around. looking at the piss. He knew exactly what it was. He didn't know it was me. He couldn't figure it out. So I sat there for like five minutes just got warmed up. And then I walked back to the field. I sat with my wife and it was so fucking cold. My wife's like, fuck this. I went back. There was a handicap spot right up front and I pulled the fucking car into the handicapped spot. I said, you know what? I don't have a fake sticker or nothing like that. I'll just pay the $400 ticket. It was that fucking cold. It was just going to be for 15 minutes.

If a cop pulls in here now and he wants to give me a ticket for 15 minutes for $400, I'll take it like a man. I'll suck 10 dicks and pay it. But I am not sitting in those fucking bleachers, freeze them. There was one grandmother who said, fuck this. This is too cold. I'm going in a car. So I sat in there and then when my daughter got off the fucking bases when the game ended,

we got out, we greeted her. She didn't make it. She didn't know. And nobody fucking lost their mind. But that's my new life. that is my new normal. Again, on the way home, I told my wife, aren't you happy at 7 o'clock?

I didn't have to nudge you to tell you I got to go do it fucking stupid show somewhere or something. So I'm having a great time doing what I'm doing right now. For me, this is what's working. I'm just trying to get back to normal. I'm trying to live a little bit of a life so I can have something to write about when I go out there and entertain you cock-suck-suck.

like I'm planning on doing. And this was Monday, April 26th. This is the podcast for today. I'm happy you guys watched it. I'm sorry about 420, but hey, it was a good week either way. You guys still got stoned. You guys had a great time.

And that's all that fucking mattered. The NFTs are coming soon. I'll break it down to you, what we're going to be doing on Patreon and whatever we are with them. We got one of me and Lee coming, a commemorative church of what's happening now, fucking NFT. So I'll keep you motherfuckers posted. Right now at a certain time, I got no dates.

All I got is hopes and aspirations. I'm getting better on the guitar. I'm no fucking prince. But you know what? That's not what fucking matters. I'm not looking to join a band. I'm not looking to be famous. I'm not looking to do anything.

I'm just looking to strengthen my mind. Every time I sit down and play that fucking thing, you know, like this week, like last week, I had a bad week playing it. You know, the Rudy lesson killed me, but me and Rudy are going to do another lesson this week. We were going to do one Sunday at 9, but, again, I had to tell him too.

It's 12. There's going to be fucking noise to compress the guy. I got my daughter. It's better if we do it during the week. So we're going to do another lesson. and hopefully one of these days we'll just zoom one and you guys will get to see it

but you got to give me some time I'm not ready for you guys to call me a fucking fat jerk off guitar player yet and all this shit so with that in mind that's it and that's that it's a beautiful Monday go out there and do your thing

I got fucking two podcasts this week I got a lot of scotaga on Patreon the Spanish podcast that comes on Monday I got the Joey Diaz project I got a softball game Thursday night with my daughter. I got a game Saturday night.

I got a fucking Kentucky Derby party Saturday. Guys, we're living our lives. Last Friday night, we went to a Leonard Skinner live at Nebworth Party at Dan Florentine's house. I want to thank you for invite me. It was fucking tremendous. Just I laughed my ass off. What a great fucking family. You don't know how lucky I am that they accepted me, my wife,

and my daughter, my daughter was fucking, it was 50 degrees. My daughter went into the jacuzzi. The jacuzzi was 100 degrees and the pool was 50. And my daughter was going in and out of the pool like a fucking savage. I looked at my wife. I go, what did I tell you? Don't worry about it. My wife's like, I don't like her outside when it rains.

Who gives her fuck? Water ain't going to kill her. She's, I'm trying to, I'm trying to raise a jersey girl here. My daughter was jumping into the pool, 54 degrees, as cold as it was the night fucking before. Put that in your fucking pipe and smoke it. So, guys, just work with me. I'm having a great time. I'm just getting healthy.

And when I'm ready, you motherfuckers are going to know it. If you thought I was throwing heat before on stage, when I come back, I got a funny feeling. I'm going to fuck you motherfuckers up for real. I'm going to make it like my last tour just to sizzle, you motherfuckers. That's it and that's that. I love you guys. Thank you for watching the joint.

Have a great fucking couple days. We'll be back Wednesday. with a Zoom. I know. Go fuck yourselves. What do you expect? I can't be doing this. No. You never know. You never know what's going to happen. I love your cocksucker. Stay black. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? I'm happy you enjoyed my little diatribe today. Obviously, you don't like the fucking Zooms. You want Uncle Joey to talk to you. So I'll try to talk to you more than ever now that I know. But before we go, real quick,

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higher. I want to thank you guys again. I want to thank Zipakuta. I want to thank CBD Lion. But most importantly, I want to thank you savages for always supporting the podcast on Mondays and Wednesdays. You know who you are. Thank you for being here. Thank you for giving me the opportunity. And I'll see you Coxuckers Wednesday morning. Tip Top Magoo. Stay black and have a great fucking day. I love you.