The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - 06/05/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #86

Episode Date: June 6, 2013

Joey's yoga instructor Madisson calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Vist visit huluplus.com/joey for a 2 week free trial. Streamed live on 06/05/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, S&L, and more. Right now, our listeners can get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey. Lowercase, bitches. Oh shit. Oh shit.

It's that time. Oh, shit. break out the heroin rub your feet take the toe jam and throw it at your wife I don't give a fuck what you do it's Wednesday

bitches June 6th Are you kidding me Is it June 6th? No June 5th The 5th The 7th is Friday You know I don't fuck around

You know how we do it here Churchill what's happening Now crack that motherfucker Lee Spark that number Get that coffee I hate it Get that old meal Do some jumping jacks

You fucking dirty cock suckers. Get up. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing to be alive. You're alive. You're not in jail. You're not in fucking Cuba. You're not in fucking Korea. Like, fire crackers, you're here.

Where the fuck you are? The UK, Ireland. Get up. Salute. Grab that cock. Grab that pussy. Snip those fingers. We're big in Korea.

I know we're big in Korea. Shut the fuck up, cocksucker. What's happened, Lisa? Yeah, you know, you just made me, like, have, like, a mental breakdown. What, what happened? 30 seconds before the show starts, you're like, your mom probably has a boyfriend.

Your mom's doing with him. I'll lose your mom now. Her early halfway through the century. I don't know. I don't want to say. 55. She got plenty of fucking juice left to her. She's cute.

The worst. You know, I mean, I'm not trying to disrespect. I'm just trying to, it's a fucking reality. What do you want them to do? Sit at home and fucking comb their pussy? They got to get some heart on too. Mom's got to get action, too. You don't think mom's at home.

How long has she been divorced from your dad? At least probably five or six years You think she's got a stabbing from them? No, never She's Mary. She's what? She's like Mary Magdalene. No, I don't, you can't think of her.

Marginle is a dirty o'er. Take the fuck, look. Come in, Cocksucker. Come in to Mary Magdalene. Why are you throwing your mom under the bus? It's a beautiful day to be alive. This little cocksucker, great things are going on in your life.

Maybe they're not going on your life. Make them fucking go on in your life. Get up. Polish your shoes. You want your shoes. polished always your shirt fucking iron you want to look good go get a job everybody talks I don't have a jab at yeah you

fucking got a job you get up look sharp hide that fucking dumb tattoo of a bird on your fucking hand you fucking idiot it's life out there you got a bird tattoo I seen some guy with a bird fucking tattoo on his hand yesterday what are you gonna do with that I'm surprised didn't go over

and chop it off I almost went over and talked to him like you get it together put a glove on like Michael Jackson some shit a bird you're 22 years Oh, you got muscles. Unbelievable, these fucking guys. Unbelievable. What's going on, baby? Nothing.

I think a lot about, like, what we talk about during the show. I want to have something to talk about the next time. And, as everyone knows, we've been talking a lot about my dating. And I thought about, like, I, like, I'm really, like, you make fun of me. But I fall in love immediately. Like, it's been part of my issue. So I recently started seeing this girl. And, like, I've been not being an asshole,

but I've been being assertive. Like when she said, do you want to be friends? I said, no. And then yesterday we were supposed to get together. And before I went to bed,

she said she was too tired. And then when I woke up, she's like, oh, come anyways. And me, six months ago would have run and not done anything I wanted to do yesterday. And I said,

no, I can't. I'm busy. And it's just, and it's weird how they respond to that and it's weird how I feel about it. Like, I feel better. I feel better.

Told you, Lee. Because I always want... You're a nice of a fucking guy. I always want people to like me, especially girls. Like, but it's, and she listened, and I like her a lot. But I just, I couldn't do it.

And it's, I think they respect it. And like, because normally I would have run and done it immediately. And it's a weird thing I'm trying. Did you see what happened last night? What happened last night? Did I not call you last night two times and say I was going to bring your edibles, that they were strong and they were going to kill you and all this shit. Didn't I tell you that yesterday?

You told me that every day. Okay, but I didn't bring you nothing. You know what? And I was outside the weed store yesterday. I got some tremendous weed than I know. Yeah. The problem was, when you say to me, no, I'm not going to do it. Then I got to make you do it.

You said to me, that's then, okay, I'll go eat something, and I'll take the edible. Done! There's no reason. And the more you eat those edibles, Lee, the strong you're going to get to them. The only reason I gave you shit Monday was because you spent probably four days each time you called me, I got the death for you. Oh, no. It's 500. It's 500 milligrams.

I got to tell her to lower it. Let me to add and take a nap at 6 o'clock at night. I got up at 7 and what the fucking did. Jitsu Monday night. I went up going to Jiu-Jitsu as high as I was with that 5-50 milligram. And had a great fucking time. You know, Mondays and Fridays, it's Marcello Madness. So he makes you do burpees and fucking run and makes you do push-ups a half hour before

fucking class starts. And you can do that stuff high? Listen, I can do anything high. I can't do a fucking burpee straight or high. You know, I can't do a fucking squat dress no more. No. Like he made you run 10 times around the fucking Jiu-Jitsu gym. Then you had to do 15 squat thrust, 15 pushups, 15 sit-ups, 15 lunges, and 15 something else.

I could do 15 everything else. I just couldn't do the fucking squat, the squat thrust. Is your knee still fucked up? No, I said I weighed 300 fucking pounds. My shoulder can't carry that shit no more. I used to do those burpees when I was in college. At night, I'd do a couple lines of coke and think I was fucking Hershey Walker. I'd be doing those fucking burpees at night.

But I can't do those no more. But you got to go. You got to fucking go in the... That's all it's really weirdly I've been trying to write this book and I have my partner Omar and I send them shit every Monday and now I'm going into I'm going into this When I moved out of my mother's house remember the house I took it to yeah of course I moved out of there like after my mother died I was I was gonna stay in there like fuck when Ralph Crammed him when he fought against the landlord and I was gonna go up against my dad

But the house creep me out so much yeah because you found her there yeah I I fucking left and you know I'm up to this chapter A lot of people didn't know But I never really talk about Because from doing coke all those years People would always pick one thing When you do cope with somebody After about an hour

You're at their house Or they're at your house They start breaking down The truth serum comes out And they start telling you What really fucking bothers them Why they do coke They don't tell you this is why I do coke

They just tell you that sore spot in their life When I was three My father hit me with a fucking shoehorn And they just come out with it? Yeah they just start And the more you know this person, the more they talk about that shit. But it doesn't affect them when they're jumping up and down at a fucking bar. Do you get me?

Yeah. Like I was with all these people after two hours of doing blow. They'd stop and they'd say, you know, they break down. The pain I have for, I miss whoever, you know, I want to do so much better. After tonight, I'll never do blow again. And they hit you with that same pathetic fucking story every fucking night, you know? And one of the stories that I had, one of the stories I never really. repeated for a long time was and I talked about in the documentary I thought you know yes I found my

mother dead but there was more of that fucking story that I never talked about okay my mother used to wake me up at night every fucking night when I was a kid with food with food every fucking night 320 3 30 she'd come in the room oh son Antonio wake up I made you I brought you Chinese food or I stopped they would leave new jersey in those days and go into the city and get a steak or whatever the fuck, I'm bringing it home and then I would eat it, you know, four in the morning. But the constant was the four-star diner, the diner I showed you, because they had the best BLTs.

My mother loved BLTs. Who does it? Oh, they're fucking delicious. And that little cow. So she'd wake me up. And she woke me up at the time I was fucking five. Every night, I woke up for an hour, every fucking night when I was a kid to eat. I talked to her.

I'd make sure everything was all right, and then I'd go to bed. I did that for 20 fucking years. I did that every night with her. And she talked to me high or whatever the fuck she was on, and we talk a little bit about her day and what she had to do the next day, and boom. So after my stepdad and her broke up, I started sleeping on her bed with it.

I was scared to sleep in my room. I was always scared of that fucking bed, so that made it easy for me. She had a huge bed. So I would just crank up on the other side. My mom had like a king-sized bed back then. It was made special. She fucking got a tailor-made in New York.

like the big fucking bed. So I slept in that bed every fucking night. So how old were you when you... Fifteen. Oh, really? Fifteen.

So I think Juan left like that December or November. So for about six or seven months, I was sleep with my mother every day. And were you scared when Juan was there and you just couldn't because he was there or when he left you got scared? I was always scared.

Okay. I was always a scared little kid at night of ghosts and all that shit, especially in that fucking house. So the night that my mother died, I went out, did some acid, came home. I came on the tail end of the acid. Yeah. You know, I think I did like a half a sheet or something.

I had no school the next day. You know, I knew these guys didn't have the same curfews I had. Yeah. I had no fucking curfew. So they would all eat like a half. So we went out, took the acid, whatever. I went home. I went to sleep.

I went to bed that night. And I just remembered this. because I'm writing about it. You know, I went to bed that night. And yes, when she came in that night, she yelled for me. Oh, she did? She did. Okay.

Okay, for me to come down. I heard it, and I just fucking said, no. I don't want to deal with it because then I'll wake up, and the acid's still in my system. My pupils had dilated something. I just didn't know. I was really not knowledgeable about drugging those days. I didn't know why I don't get up.

Okay. And then a little while later, I saw that the light in the hallway was off. And she still wasn't in bed. So I went downstairs and found her dead on the kitchen. Now, she usually brought food home. Mm-hmm. You know? So this is my dilemma for years.

My dilemma for years that after the ambulance left and they took her, I looked for shit. She didn't bring food home that night. Do you think she was... So she was cooking eggs. Oh, she was? She was making eggs and she got home. She was at the track.

Roosevelt Raceway. They were open until midnight. And then she probably hung out at a bar in the city with her buddies, and then she came over. She would take a cab over. I didn't hear none of this. But I do know that there was no food that night. So for years, I didn't know if she was yelling

because she was dying and I didn't help her. That's what I was going to ask you. So I never knew. Now, I never talked about it. I've never, right? All the time, you and I? No. Because I know for a fact that when it's your time, it's your time.

If I would have gone downstairs, it would have happened. Now, did you know that, I mean, you were 15, so it's been 35 years. yours. You didn't know that at the beginning because, like, you were just thinking about it, that's all I'm thinking about is, like, do you wonder if she was... No, I knew that. I knew that that morning. So you know, you didn't feel guilty at all? I'm not saying it was your fault,

but it's like... I felt a little guilty and I could have been one of those people? Oh my God, did I tell you that because of me? My mother died? No, she didn't. God has a fucking plan for you and you can't control. Nobody has a fucking expiration date. Nobody knows when you're going to fucking expire. You could be Houdini, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I could have walked down there and, and and she would have still died.

You know, what could have happened? And that's always been a doubt in my head. I've always taken care of it. I took care of it three or two years later. I wasn't going to be one of those people that every time you got high or every time you met somebody 10 minutes into the conversation, they were going to tell you that and fucking idiot people.

Oh, my God, I feel so sorry. Let me give you a hug. It was 20 years ago. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it. Cocksucker. You know?

Because people always have that hook to suck you to fuck in with. Yeah. And I just didn't want to have that hooks. I never really thought about it. Because when God's going to take, he's going to fucking take it. And you don't think, like, because you just said people always have a reason for doing Coke. You don't think like that could have been a reason for doing Coke.

No, I was on my way of destruction way before that fucking day. Okay. You know, I was on, I had already done blow. It just wasn't big. I had already done blow. By the time my mother died, I had done Coke once or maybe twice. About two weeks before she died, we all played hooky. And I took some to school.

And we did a bunch of the party. And a lot of people were mad. A lot of kids were fucking pissed. But, you know. But do you think you did it for 29 more years because she passed away? Like if she had been, if she was here today, do you think your life would have gone around the same path? No, I would have been even worse.

You would have been worse? Yeah, because I was a mama's boy. I was soft. What do you think would have happened, though, a bit worse. I mean, I would have got hooked on drugs. I would have got in trouble. Somebody would have left drugs at the house. You did get in trouble.

No, no, I would have got in trouble worse. I would have got my mother in trouble. We would have probably ended up in a fucking apartment. You know, my mother was on her way down when she died. It wasn't one of the best things that could have happened to her. You know, she was a fucking pathetic gambler. Yeah, you said she had lost the bar by then. So it was just going to get worse, and I would have just got worse.

I would have, I really, really, listen, in my eyes, I didn't amount of nothing. I'm a fucking comedian that tells stories and tells jokes, and that's great for society and whatnot. It's not as important. I were doctors and great lawyers and engineers. Yeah, but not everyone can be a lawyer. Yeah, but you know what? You got to go to school in the other day. You don't understand the plans my mother had for me.

You don't understand the plans and the goals I had for myself. You know, I wanted to wear a suit, even though I looked like a fat fuck in a suit. You know, I wanted to represent criminals in court or something to do with the law. That's what I wanted. You know, that's what I wanted in my soul. It just didn't work out that way. I went to plan B. Thank God it was always outgoing, and I didn't give a fuck.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And it's, you know, like I said, I'm writing this book, and it's just really weird of the things you remember as you're writing. Because I usually look at what I'm going to write, and then I leave you for a day, and I make notes when I go to the coffee shop to write. Okay. And then I think about it, and it's really weird when I wrote that particular thing

because it took me back there. Like last night I had to take a shower and get out of the house. Yeah, you called me, and you said, I'm not even doing a set. I just had to get out of the fucking house. I took a shower, started from scratch, washed my pussy. At 10 o'clock, I left the house. the house last night. Went to the bank, took some money out. I can't believe, I mean,

I guess it makes sense, but the fact that you're saying like you would have been, like, to me, like, you went to jail for three years for kidnapping a guy with a machine gun and you're like, that was the light, like, it could have been so much worse. Could have been worse. That's fucking, it could have been worse. I don't know if it's the weed by my brain.

Like, I can't even understand. You know what things could happen in life. You have no idea what bad things could happen in your life. Last night, I was, after I called Joe went home and I was writing. And I put ice on my knees at night before I go to bed. I forced myself to get up in the computer and go on front of the TV.

And I watch the news, I'll watch whatever. That's stupid. But last night there was a gangster show on about a Dominican moya that was killing drug dealers in the Bronx. Taking drug dealers and killing them. Just fucking kill them, taking their money. Because he didn't like drug dealers? No, because he was a thief. That's what he prayed on.

That was his camp. Okay. Other drug dealers, they can't dial 911. Oh, man. And I'm fucking sitting there, and I got my things on my knees, and I've got a cat, and I'm petting the cat. And I'm sitting there showing all these images of people in these alleyways with blood on them and, you know, getting shot.

What the fuck? You have no idea the places I would go to get drugs leaked. You had no idea the people I dealt with that I didn't know were killers. So years later, I found out they're doing 30 for this, saw they're doing it. I didn't know. And I would take their coke. You know how many times I kicked the fucking door down and people were sitting the way you and Ashley

and your friend sitting in the living room? You know how many times we kicked the door down? Me and Ray going there was three people in the room and we pulled guns out. One time I had no bullets in that fucking gun. Did you know that? You pulled guns out and you... I mean, I know you jumped up on windows and stuff, but you went in when people were there? Oh, no. In 94, after I got divorced,

I wasn't a real fucking craziness. I needed money. Three, four hundred dollars wasn't going to do it. I was having problems with attorneys with my ex-wife, the baby, and I thought it was the end-all bill. I didn't fucking know. And when you put me against the wall,

when I don't know something, when you put me against the corner, you give me a gun, I will do. And, you know, Joey's called. Joey's called the fucking show. I've had Joey called a couple fucking times. A couple people got scared. A couple people fucking wrote me back.

There was two guests I've had that fucking people have emailed me and said, you're fucking crazy. That was Mike running when he told the story throwing the hooker out of the car and you heard the boob-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo. And fucking Joey Filato.

When Joey Falado knew in 94, he had a cousin that was crazy. And I loved this cousin, this cousin loved me. I didn't give a fuck how crazy he was. But you know what? He was a criminal that respected me as a criminal,

but he loved that I did comedy. Like, he died, Darren. But if Darren was alive today, he'd be out here with me. I know it. I fucking know it. Smacking people. Choking motherfuckers,

grabbing me sput. smacking agents getting me more trouble than I've had on my own. But so, I mean, how do you know, do you get paranoid after you breaking out of someone's house? Like, that they're going to come, the cops are going to come knocking on your door

or they're going to come knocking on your door? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're going to bump into the... How do you leave the house? Like, I would imagine, like, drive-by. It's like, I only know this from movies, so I don't even know what's real or not. Anyway, the point of the story was that that could have been me.

That could have been me. How was it not you? Busting the door down and somebody pulling the fire. fucking gun somebody stupid pulling a fucking gun I fucking know this you know I was telling James when he was here this weekend that I never thought about being 40 I knew that was gonna turn 37 in the year 2000 okay that's one thing I knew for sure and I knew I could look you in the face Lee and tell you I never fucking thought I was gonna see the year 2000 that seemed to me in 1985 the year 2000

seemed like sci-fi fucking network to me like something I was never never gonna worry about or never gonna see you know it's funny how I used to throw shit out the window what do you mean food and fucking garbage as I'm driving in a car okay I was a complete fucking savage I had no respect the biggest respect you can't have are you don't want to respect this up that's great we gotta respect the fucking earth people throw shit in the fucking ocean and people throw shit that that's great you want to be a fucking pig and throw sandwich wrappers on your floor and live and fucking filth that's your fucking business when you start polluting the

fucking streets and shit That means you have no respect for yourself and no respect for the fucking future. You know, the people that are coming in behind you. It's like leaving dishes in the fucking sink when you live with eight people. Clean your fucking dishes because people, there's people behind you. I used to fucking be a polluter. No, that was what I was going to ask. Until about 1997, I used to be a fucking polluter.

Because I never thought that it would. Who gives a fuck about the year 2013. It's like going to tell you now you can't take showers because we're running out of fucking water. 10 years ago, I would leave the fuck with water on all day on principle. Just on principle. I can't do that no more. I can't do that no more. I haven't done, been thought like that in about 12 to 13 years ago.

I could see how I evolved. I could see why I wanted to get the... I'm going back to me, what I used to be like when I was 10 again. Now, let's say, I don't know what age. Like when you were my age and you said you couldn't imagine getting to 2000. Yeah, 24? No fucking way. But did you actively think, like, I'm never going to...

and get to 37 or you just didn't No I never thought I'd be 37 at all Never even fucking close Never even close Never even close Never even close And then when I came out here It's so funny that

Being being a loser sometimes is advantageous In what way? Being a loser Because I was a loser for a long time And when I came here You know sometimes like my jiu jitsu teacher Anybody Anybody who's been doing something for a long time I really had a good time talking to this, Fabiano, whatever his fucking name is last week, right?

And he was saying how he was a white belt for two years, he was a blue belt for seven fucking years, he was a purple belt for two or something years, and he was a brown belt for two. It took him out of how many years to become a black belt. But he goes basically, it became a back belt because he didn't do anything else. I basically got to this point in my life, not because I was innovative, but because I couldn't leave LA. I had nowhere else to go. you know what was I gonna do just sit here at night and hang out at night

I might as well do three four spots a night and write a few fucking jokes so sometimes being the loser has his advantages I guess that's a good way of looking at it because you're like a fucking dummy like me yeah you just kept sticking with something you know I stuck with it

you know I stuck with being a stand-up and I love it I love it I couldn't imagine doing anything else I don't want to do nothing else yeah I like to be an attorney yeah I like to be a brick mason Yeah, I like to do a lot of fucking things I had a lot of dreams Like to be a guitar play in a band

You're looking at a little kid again You spit on chicks You know I'm gonna be a firefighter I'm gonna be a firefighter You gotta cut people off For the light and shit That's scary being a fucking firefight

What's the story Lee? What's going on in your world? Tell me something fucking good You haven't been swimming for a week You lost that? I haven't swimming no Today it starts again Okay

And every day 10, 20 minutes You're gonna feel a lot better by yourself You know I do that little thing With the baby We're just walking Just walking You know, I read that, did you see about the guy

who lost 200 pounds by walking? No. He would give himself walking on drills. And he said the first day he went, he was a pellet. He thought he was going to get a heart attack. It's so fucking real. Like, I didn't work out because James was in town. I didn't work out Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

And fucking Monday, I couldn't wait for Jiu-Jit to 11 o'clock at 9 o'clock at night, 8 o'clock. My body had to do something. So I went Monday afternoon to the YMCA. Mm-hmm. And my knees been bothering me, so I got on the bicycle. I got on the one bicycle for 20 Then I got on the long-range bicycle for 10 Then I got on the epileptical machine, right?

Yeah And I started doing the epileptical machine I start sweating heavy Don't work out for three days And then work out And that first dose of sweat It smelled like everything we ate It smelled like fucking steaks and tacos

And avocado and fucking soda Like that thick If you don't sweat for three or four days You sweat, the first group of sweat comes out A lot thicker It smells like weed and that brownie and fucking it just smelt so bad when I got home I hung the shirt up

because I never just throw the shirt in the hamper because then the whole hamper stinks you put moisture in there so I hang the shirt up I went to take it Monday night it was dry but it was hard it was like a hard fucking t-shirt from the fat and the fucking gorilla biscuits and everything else I had in my fucking system

so it's just so weird that we talk about health on this podcast because I love it I love it and you look at me you're like but Joey you're a fat fuck so what I still drink tons of fucking water every day tons of fucking water every day. This morning I got up and I do I love doing that Dolce system.

It's so weird how I take a couple things from Weight Watchers. I can't take a couple things from Dolce. I can't eat that Dolce food. I love his concept. I know what he's fucking saying. Even with the debt lifting, I just don't like Quinnaud.

I can't fucking eat Queen Wa. Whatever the fucking is. Quino, quino. I don't like that shit. Where's the music league? You're going to hit me with little fucking Eagles this morning. We never play the Eagles on here. There's a bad fucking jam right here.

Oh shit. This is Don Felon on the fucking guitar. This is old school. It's like 75 and shit. Oh shit. Time to spark another joint. Get up. Cock suck.

This is a beautiful day to be alive. Shine your shoe. Hit it. Oh, shit. Lee. Oh, shitly. I need to install, like, a little fader here. For the lights.

This is Lee song. We're gonna, Find that pretty mama What turns on Oh shitly Time to spark another one to get over here, Coxson You got your demons You got desires

And I got a few of my own Cocksucker Oh shit It's a beautiful day, get up Get up together Watch that ass, watch that pussy Shave it He wants to go out there

Make a good impression My girl should be calling any minute now All right. I'm going to ready. Ooh. You know what I listened to this morning before you got here? What did you listen? I had to listen to Rumors, which I listened to.

You showed me about the first time. It's a great album. Great album. 1977. I was in the eighth fucking great. Claudia Costa used to play it. Claudia Costa was a cute girl. But she had those fucking things, those warts.

Okay. All over. But she was on Letterman for playing the fucking the baton. She was like a national baton pole. How do you play that time? Like that with your fingers. With your fingers. That's what you do with your fingers if you want to finger bang people.

Tough. You played it with the fucking batons. Calvin Murphy was a basketball player from the Houston Rockets. Yeah. Tough little motherfucker. He must beat the fuck out of Sidney Wicks. He was six foot eight, Sydney Wicks. Brought him down to his level.

Just started to beat slap him. Calvin Murphy just got to quit at a child molestation in Houston. when I went down and the city took his side like it was a lie and the woman just accused him as sex I don't know what the fucking story was I'm a big fan of Calvin Murphy's

they used to be a show on still is the NBA on CBS and the fucking show at halftime read Orbach the legend from the Celtics would come on and every week a different person

would come on and teach you drills on basketball Julius Irving fucking taught a drill but one of the best ones was Calvin Murphy because he opened up the show twirling a baton and then he talked about how it affected your hands

like your hand speed and shit so for years after you see these big black guys and all of twirling my fucking baton jack you must have done it because you loved it you must have had got a baton you didn't get a baton I got new chucks

I got new chucks and just cut the string and twill the one fucking new chuck that's good for your fingers if you're going to finger bang somebody you might knock their fucking ovary out You finger-banging of these chicks You're dating, you're fucking... Yeah. The only thing I don't like is assholes.

Just leave, like, everything else is great. There's somebody sent you a picture of an asshole. Oh, there's guy in it. He just sent, I don't know who got the picture of it, and one guy said it would look like the... You probably don't know what, but the pit in Star Wars. Like, it looked like that. Oh, we got to come, but it was a...

It was clean, but yeah, I'm still on that to it. Is this my girl? Hi, good morning. Good morning. Morning, Madison. How are you, my love? I'm good. How are you? Not bad. I thank you very much for getting up early and calling in. I'm up.

I know you're on night. I know you got a family and stuff. This is the usual. What time you usually get up, Madison? What time do you usually get up? I'm usually up between 6 and 6.30. All right, so we're good. You're good. You got some coffee in you. You did a couple jumping jacks like Lisa. All right. All right. What's going on in your world?

Um, just, any usual work, kids, um, we're preparing for a move. Where are you moving to? Just from North Hollywood to Glendale. Okay, that's not that bad. I thought you were going to leave me here at the Y all by myself. No, just we're moving, I'm, I'm moving closer to the kids' school. Oh, that's good. Mm-hmm. Hey, let me ask you something. So how long have you been involved with yoga, Madison?

Well, I've been teaching it since 2003, but I have been practicing it for a few years before I went into teacher training. And how long is the teacher training for? Are we talking or are we on a podcast? Well, on a podcast. You and me are talking. And the flying Jews in the room. And my man's in the room. Lee Syatt's in the room.

Hi. No, we're doing a podcast. We're on. What a lot? Oh, okay. I didn't realize that we were on right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not playing no more.

How were you, my life? Oh, okay. Well, I mean, before I went into teacher training, I went, people had mentioned to me before, oh, you should try yoga, you should try yoga. I was in Southern California, and I just went, oh, no, I don't want to do yoga. Oh, no, if that's for hippies, I don't want to do yoga. and then I met a boy. He liked him and he was into yoga.

So that's how I got into the yoga practice was actually following a cute boy in class one day. And how long is the teacher training after that? The teacher training that I went through, I was a long time ago. It was 10 years ago, so I may not be exact, but I think we'd, did it for almost six months, I think. Well, not six months, maybe four, four months. We went every weekend. It was a Friday, some Friday nights every Saturday and Sunday.

And then after the teacher training, I was doing it, you had to come out and follow a senior teacher for six months to a year. So you would come in and assist in their classrooms or sit in the class or, or sit in the class, or take the class and then that senior teacher would hold meetings maybe at their discretion and whoever was in that training would go. And then we talk about what happened in class, why we gave an adjustment, why she or he gave a certain posture that followed our questions about other students had while they were in the classroom that came up. So it was very hands-on back when I went through teacher training.

And do you still go to class? Like, do you still attend the class and while somebody else is teaching? Absolutely. I love to take other people's classes. I'm fitness as well. And I do personal training. And I also teach yoga privately. It often is even trainers need trainers.

because, you know, as someone who's standing outside of you, I mean, alignment-wise, we can see what's happening with your body, but it's very difficult for you to see what's happening with your body. So it's the same for people who teach. It's difficult to see what's happening on the outside because you get focused, you get locked into what's happening on the inside and how it feels. and you don't know, maybe you've been sitting on your right hip a lot for the last four or five, six months, and it feels normal for your hip to be over to the right, and then someone comes along and they readjust you, and it may not feel right, but the alignment is right. Now, I read a lot about yoga.

You know, I went to your class for a long time, and one of the real advantages, like, I felt I got really stronger, I got really limber My breathing got a lot better You know But what are the true true advantages that you see Especially I see women that have been doing it for a while And they're beautiful They're beautiful

I see you look at these women in class And you know I'm married but you watch And you go wow look at this woman You know what does she do It's amazing Sometimes it's you know When you connect Exercise is exercise right

And people come to me and they go I want to lose weight or I want to, you know, I want to build the big muscles. And my question is always, well, how long is your time frame? Because in yoga, the time frame is years sometimes. It's not two weeks, 30 days, 90 days. It really is a long process. And if you want to, you know, lose weight right away, go do cardio, go on the elliptical, go take a boot camp class, go.

So, you know, run, run. That's the fastest way to get to your goal. For me, what you look on the outside can be a benefit of a yoga practice. But how you feel on the inside is really what's the most important part of a yoga practice. It's not even doing the postures correctly, and it's not making it look beautiful. It's about how you feel while you're in your practice. And I think that sometimes can bring an energy around a person that is a very light and very calm and very bright. So it's a different, it's true.

and when you see people who are, you know, straight gym and muscle guys, and they're not true of everyone, but, you know, they're working real hard, and they got this goal, and they have a very different expression on their face. You know, they're hard, and the bodies are hard, and they're big. And then you have someone who comes out of yoga, and it was one of the things I love about yoga is shavasana at the end, when everyone lays down and you're still. And sometimes you're just so thankful that you're not moving anymore. It feels good.

But when people leave the room, they feel good. And that's one of the most important parts of the practice, or one of the most important parts of the practice I enjoy is when that happens. Oh, you're a great teacher. You know, as a stand-up comic, I learned a lot from watching you sometimes. Do you know that? Like, I would go in there and watch you and go, do you have fear of getting up in front of people?

You know, how sometimes you'd be in a pose and you'd walk over to me or you'd walk over to a girl and help her out or something. How do you feel talking in front of people? That's something I had to, I struggled with in the beginning because I am a naturally very shy person, although you wouldn't think so. But it's something I used to struggle with a lot. and it just when I stopped thinking about how I felt being in front of the room and I started thinking about the individual students in the classroom and started focusing on them. A lot of the times I'll come in to start a class

and I'll have something kind of mapped out that I was going to do that day And then I end up doing something completely different, not even close to what I had intended for the class. And that's purely based on who is in the classroom, because teaching a class is not about me. And what I want out of that class, it's about who's in the class and what's in the need of in the room. So it helped me to overcome my fear of speaking in front of the room or leading a class. It was being able to kind of see who's in the room and what they need and bring that into the practice. It made it more joyful to teach that way. That's beautiful, Madison.

I never looked at that. I'm going to start looking at an audience that way. Like, what the hell of these people need? I don't know if that works in your... No, that really does. That's beautiful. I never thought about it that way. Because sometimes with me, you've got to get up there,

and they look at you and they make, in their mind, they judge you. You're judged between the first 30 seconds. Oh, I know what this guy's going to say. So if you don't take them in that direction, then you just have to beat them, like, submersively. Like, sometimes you have to, like... I don't know how to describe it. It's so weird, but that is beautiful.

And I can just imagine. Like sometimes you go in, thinking it's going to be 15 people in the class, and you go in, and there's four people. So everything changes. That's how it changes in my world. Like, on a Tuesday night, I'll write a new joke, and I have my intention of just trying that joke, and I'll get to the place, and I thought there was going to be 190 people, and there's four people. So you can't go up there and try that joke. You've got to do it a different way, you know, so. Yeah.

It's very, yeah, as I could see it that way, sure. It's amazing how I had to go to an audition one time And you're an actress, you understand this I had to go to an audition one day And the feedback I got on the initial audition was You're going on it He was, the guy I was going in for it was a thug And they said you went in too hard, soften it up

It's just so happens that the audition was 1145 And you had a class that morning From 830, the 10th 30 And I said, I'm going down there Because, you know, she'll soften me up a little bit With the poses and I'll breathe and I went into the audition and I got it, I nailed it, but it was funny on the way out.

I thought about that how when I left yoga that morning, when I walked in, I felt a certain way, but when I walked out, I felt a certain way, and I made myself feel that way. It was really weird. I had never done that before. Like, if you go hit the bag and ride the bike, you have these things on your mind,

but that day by going to yoga and just breathing, it softened everything up. Yes, yes. Well, congratulations. I didn't know that. You didn't tell me that. Oh, this is like two years ago. It didn't.

Oh, yeah, it was a while ago. Because I think I used to take your Thursday morning class. Yes. Right? Your Thursday morning at the Y. And now you just have the Thursday, right? Yes. And are you teaching somewhere else?

Right now I just teach at the Y. I just have one class at East Valley. And then I teach privately. I'd like to get into going back into studios, and I did approach some of the studios before. I had held a lot more classes before I had children. I had the freedom to be available more often and frequently, and as I subbed for many people, and I had more of my own classes. But after having my children, it just, my focus changed.

to them. And I did teach with them for a while to talk Mommy and Me classes together and baby yoga but I went back into some of the studios recently and it kind of brought you back too well. You've got to get back on the sub list. You've got to be at mercy at someone else's schedule and availability.

And I'm a single mother now. So that's not quite often. It's not realistic for me. need as much financial structure in my life as my children need stability and structure in their life. So I'd love to expand, but it has been difficult to do that. Also, now there's a lot of yoga teachers out there, and it just has become a little bit of very young yoga teachers out.

And I'm not just talking about young and age, but a young in yoga experience. But because they are young and because they're new to this world of instructing, they're a lot easier to get at a much lower rate, and it makes perfect business sense for studios to take those teachers first. You know, if you drive up and down Magnolia, what do you count? 18 yoga studios? There's a lot. There's a lot from Laurel Canyon on Magnolia.

There are great teachers in studios, and I attend, you know, all classes everywhere, because I do. I love it when, especially when I walk into a room and someone really knows their alignment and things like that to help, you know, put me back into my, beginnings. Every time I walk into someone else's classroom, I try to walk in with that idea that this is new. It's my first time and let go of anything that I've, to let go of the teacher and really be the student. That can be challenging sometimes. You know, Madison, I take the baby on a walk every morning. I walk around that.

with Hollywood Park and I've been seen something lately. I've been seen in the lab because I've lived up by the park for the last three years. It's a big, beautiful park on off of across from the Y. Yeah, that one there in the mornings. I usually walk with the baby until about 9.30 and then I go home and it's so weird what I'm watching there.

I'm seeing that more people like there's a boxing class now across the street. A boxing class. And the guy hangs a bag and the park. He walks the 90-pound bag into the park and hangs it, and he's got cones in there and a little ring, and he takes each guy, and he runs with them, and by the other guy's boxing, the other guy's shadow boxing,

the other guy's on the floor. And I tell you something, Mass, and I would stop over and give the guy whatever he wants just to do. I have the baby. You know, I have the baby, but it's kind of nice. Madison, you're a great teacher. I've been to a couple of yoga. I've never been to any other studio, but Hollywood, YMCA,

and that's a little bit too, you know, whatever for me. It was a little bit too cliquet. They're very focused on the flow. They like to really move. No, no, but they're focused on the other stuff, the Hollywood stuff. I like real people, it seems, for yoga, and you're as real as it gets, and it's so we like, you're a very good teacher, Madison, and you're good with people. Thank you, Joey.

That means a lot. Yeah, take it into the park. I mean, I know you're a single mom now, and that breaks my heart. I didn't consider that. But one of the things that for me is I follow the rules. Oh, I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying. I follow the rule.

So I did look into it, and there's a lot of rules that people break to do things like that. And, you know, I don't like to do that. If the city says, no, you're not supposed to be doing that. It's not okay. You need to pay a rent. You need to do your insurance. You need to. You can only work.

I'm one of those people who goes, okay, just let me know what the rules are, and I'll see if I can. No, I don't blame me. I wouldn't want you to break any rules either. But you know what? There's rules, and like you said, you're a single mom. You got to eat. And you've got to, yes. So I don't want to end up a big fat fine or end up going to court over.

Right. Not following the rules. But, you know, well, there's a wills away. And like I said, you're great at what you do. I wouldn't have you on the phone if I didn't think you were really, my wife loves you that. I mean, I think you're great. Oh my gosh, how is she doing? I haven't seen her in a while.

So I know he said she's busy. She's got back to work. And you guys have your hands full with your beautiful little baby. Oh, it's tough especially she wanted to go back to work. She wants to go back because she's a promotion in two years and what is she worked there for for 10 years?

So it's about that, but it takes away from her yoga time. And I told her to cut back to like 30 hours or whatever, but it's like talking to, so she goes Saturday mornings is the best she could do. And that's when I'm in town, you know. Yes, yes. So I'm in town this week, and then that's it.

I'm gone for four weeks, so that means she doesn't work out. Yeah, but I'm only gone Fridays and Saturdays and Thursdays. Okay. So I'm around the rest of the time. So, you know, listen, man, I want you to call in again and let us know where you're at if you checked into a studio or something because you're great at what you do. And, you know, talk these people. Well, if people want to come check it out.

you should support your local YMCA, East Valley. It's one of the things I love about at the YMCA is it's really about, it's family. I love it. I love it then. Yeah, it is. And it's one of the reasons why I continue to teach. I continue there. I keep teaching even with the move, I want to make the drive because I really, The class that we have on Thursdays is a very, it's a very special class to me and people who come.

And I know people over the years and you get to really become family. And you don't really, I haven't gotten that too much anywhere else or teaching many other classes outside of yoga in that way that you, that there's this connection. and it is a special class everyone in the class is very they all know each other and they take care of each other and I watch people in class take care of of new students who come in when I can't get to them it's a very special group of people so I'm honored to be teaching

you know it's funny how I started at the Y in Hollywood and I don't know if you've been to the Y in Hollywood they do everything there but rub your feet they've got the bubble bath they got the steam bath they've got the showers it's the Hollywood YNCase it's a spa they have the towels

they have the shaving cream and I remember the first time I went to Noho to East Valley I went there with no towel and jumped in the pool and I came out of the pool and I'm like where's the towels and I'm drying myself with paper towels and it's such a working man's YMCA

that's what I call it yeah you go out something Like, I like to ride the bike outside, and I hit the punching bag. The punching bag breaks, like, once a month. It's a working man's Y. Then you have to switch your workout and beat up on Ted, the little striking dummy. And if he's jacked up, if he's not filled up with water, then I've got to do squats. It's such a great little Y.

It really is. I love it. I won't go anywhere else. You know, there's like a 48-hour fitness or something around the corner, whatever the hell that is. And my buddy's got to pass. It's 40 a month. You could swim. I'd rather stay at the North Hollywood Y.

I really do. I love it. Yeah, it is. It really has become a family. Now that you have a little girl, you know, you appreciate it more because it is. It's very much about family. It's one of the things I love about the Y and say it's difficult to give up for that reason.

When you have a family, it's very, very difficult to give up the Y. I'm scared to drop her off and a little babysitting box still. She might throw a fit And I'm in the middle of downward dog Huffing and puffing And I gotta run over there And save the kid I'll have a heart attack

Oh, evil She's not old enough for that yet No, she's gonna be five on Sunday Five months old So I don't think I could drop her off You have a question for her Lee? Yeah, hey Madison My name is Lee I produced

But the question I was thinking about it Because you know you already know Joey And he's a big guy And I'm I've lost some weight But I'm still a big guy and Joey makes fun of me because I have the flattest feet in the world and I have no balance. And we have a bunch of listeners who are health conscious. What do you say to people who haven't done yoga before?

Like, is it, should you do private lessons first? Or what do you, because, like, I'd fall over if I was sitting down. So, yoga is something I've never thought of doing before. When, be, don't be afraid to get it wrong. That would be, I'm, when I have new students who come in and they say, I've never taken yoga and not sure what I'm doing. I said, don't worry about it. It's okay. You're going to get everything wrong today.

I'm not going to get anything right, not even standing, so don't worry about it. And you can, if you just were standing and you were doing the posture, the standing posture, correctly and breathing properly, you could build up a sweat in 30 seconds, be the sweat on your forehead and if you were doing the posture correctly and and someone who's been taking yoga for 15 years who just does the the postures wouldn't understand that they would think standing posture that's nothing you know get me into a place where I can twist my ankles behind my head that's you know so it's um yeah I always remember that one of the things that yoga did for me in the first year of teaching, I was, I was instructed by my teachers. I could not teach anything above special needs

and injuries and level one. And, you know, having a big ego and being, you know, young, I wanted to come out and be the big rock star teacher and teach all the power flow classes and, you know, do show everybody that I could, you know, throw my leg up in the air and hold it there forever. But what I appreciate about what those teachers did for me is a me into a place of being extremely humble because my first classes I ever taught, where I remembered this, was I had a lady in the room who had vertigo, a couple of people who had knee surgeries recently, a gentleman who had had heart surgery, a woman who had a shoulder that popped in and out of her socket every time she took her arms up above her head, and they were all in the same classroom.

and how do you how do you teach to this room where you know where when you think of yoga you see this flow down dog cobra standing forward fold dancers pose tree pose

and most everybody in that room no one would be able to do that and um it's so yoga isn't isn't all those postures it's it's really

when you go into a classroom for your first time, go to the middle back so that you have people in front of you and the sides of you and maybe a person behind you if you can. And so you can look and see what other people are doing, not that you should do what they're doing, but you'll get an idea when the teacher says, triangle pose, you can just look to your left

and there's someone there and they're doing the posture. You go on to the other side, you can look to your right, and you see there's someone who's there who's doing the posture, and you kind of start to get this picture of, okay, what space your body's going to be in, but know that it doesn't have to look like what that person's doing or what that person's doing. And it takes, try it for 30 days before you give it up. And like finding a good therapist. You might have to try a few before you find someone that you connect with, because that makes a really big difference, too.

I know some teachers teach in a fashion where they start each class with a very personal story about their lives and how what they're going to teach in that class that day is going to reflect on what their story is. And they will carry you through the postures, and you'll get into a hip opener, and that will be a part of their story, and something that they realized,

and they'll take you to handstand, and that will be another part of their story. So they create this storyline. And for some people, they connect immediately to it. They go, oh, man, I've been through a breakup. recently and I understand how that feels and I really connect to that story and they go through class and they connect to all the points of the story and they come out feeling very healed from that class and for other people they'll come in and go I have a great relationship

I'm in a good place right now I don't want to hear this story they ruin what I got going on and they don't connect to anything so it's it really you have to usually within the first one or two classes you'll know if you connect to who's teaching the class as well

now that people yes I was sorry there's a different kinds of yoga like my dad for years did the hot yoga big room and I went like two or three times and I hate I hated it because I didn't know the yoga and then also was 800 degrees like do you have do you have a class

that if you, not everyone lives in North Hollywood, but if you had a class that anyone could go to like any normal yoga studio and like look for, like what do you, what do you recommend if it's like your first time? I would start with like a H-T-H-T-A. H-A-H-T-H-A. H-A-T-H-A-H-A-T-H-A. And the thing about it is, it's H-A-L-1. I would start with a H-A-L-E-L-1 and it doesn't mean that it's going to be easy, but there's a better chance that it would be easy. But if you can, and almost every studio offers it, is go to their free intro to yoga. One of the things that I find is that although a lot of teachers may talk about breathing and deep breathing and things

like that throughout their class, sometimes what they don't do is they don't teach you how to do the Ujai breath, which is yoga, without breath-centered work, yoga, postures are purely for exercise, just to make the body flexible and strong. When you add the breath work, you add a different, what I feel is the element that is outside of the world of exercise. Like you can lift weights and not do, you don't do yoga breath. You have to do a different kind of breath, just pour that exercise to move the weights around. You have to do a different kind of breathing for running, a different kind of breathing for swimming, a different. So in yoga, it's really the foundation of the practice, even more than the postures, more than being able to, you know, do down,

and do triangle pose is breathing. And if that's all you did throughout the, let's say you started the class, you kind of got the breathing down, you started some postures, it didn't work for you. If you just sat and did deep breathing for the next 40 minutes of class, that's a great practice. It's a beautiful practice.

If that's all you ended, if you were just on your back with your knees bent and your feet on the floor, and all you did was breathe, that would be an amazing practice. But you have to be able to let go of your fear of people judging you. Why is that person on the floor? Why aren't they doing anything? Why are they just breathing? What's wrong with them?

You have to be able to let go of that fear of someone judging you for doing that. and that can be one of the most difficult things to overcome is that you're doing it wrong and everybody else is going to know it. That was beautiful, Madison. Okay. If you would like, I'd love to come back and tell you guys some stories because being an instructor, there's a lot of very interesting yoga stories. You're so sweet, Madison, it kills me.

See, I've seen it at all. You're a sweetheart, Madison. So you just have Thursday mornings now, that's it? This time in the morning, it works. On Mondays, I was training a group of ladies, but they've taken the summer off. Okay. Just any time Monday through Friday at this time is great.

And I really appreciate you. Thank you for bringing me on. And I can, how do I find you? I just go in and, I can, it'll be archived, right? Yeah, you go to the church of what's happening now on iTunes. And how can we find you? That's the main thing.

How can we find you? Well, you could, hmm, in the next couple of weeks, you should be able to sign me at Train with Madison. Okay. Dot com? Mm-hmm. Okay. Yes.

All right, when you get it up and gone, we'll bring you back and you tell us some yoga stories, all right? Okay. I love you, Madison, and I'm happy that you're doing your thing. Take care of you, beautiful. family. All right. Nice to meet you,

nice to meet you too. Thank you. Bye, my love. She's great. She is the sweetest lady in America. I feel bad that she's a single mom now.

And I almost don't want to say it because it sounds creepy but I just, is she really pretty? She sounds like like a pretty. Tremendous.

Tremendous. Like some people have that voice and you're like, oh. Yeah, tremendously a knockout. She's a knockout. A walking knockout. But it's not her

looks in this situation it's what she brings to you she's so free she sounds like a perfect yoga teacher yeah she's great when you go to you know I go to YMCA guys what do you want me to go to crunch

and drop 2,000 a fucking month for the same shit I'm gonna get in the fucking Y I'm a fat fuck they don't have you know those other gyms so people it's a social thing for me I don't want to talk to nobody at the fucking Y but that Y is so both Wyes

even the Hollywood Y I just want to What the Sacramento, so the desk clerk girl on the plane. We sat together, we talked. I love what the YMCA brought into my life. I love it. I love it. A lot of people can't even, I tell that story on sets.

I go to the Y in Hollywood and North Hollywood, and people look at me like you're a fucking loser. You know what, I've seen a lot of fucking good actors at the Y. From the guy from the longest yard that was in L.A. confidential, the warden of the jail, to Mark Rufelo, to Denzel, Washington. works and plays hoop at the Y in Hollywood. A lot of fucking people go to the Y at lunchtime, man. A lot of parents, you know, and just even there's North Hollywood YWire.

When you go in there, you see the kids, and they're dressed up, and they got kids karate. And they got so pinger, finger painting. And they watched the kids, and they thought, you know, it just does something to you. And Madison, I was, listen, man, the first time I walked into a yoga class, are you fucking kidding me? I was paranoid to piecesly, scared shitless. I can imagine. And then I would go Tuesdays and Thursdays, and the Tuesday guy quit. And they'd put a yoga teacher, that was 60.

And I would see the ladies that she'd bring in at 60. And I'd go, look at these women's bodies. There's a chick on Tuesday morning yoga that's got to be 66, 67. She walks to yoga, like if you drive in North Hollywood, like by Magnolia in the morning, she'll have her mat. She's a fucking, her face is beautiful. But people never take care of themselves. You know, I know a thousand people when I was.

15 that were 50. They didn't take care of themselves. They did nothing to. In this society now, you have to. You guys are thinking, Joey, what the fuck? Are you some flaming fag? Bringing a yoga teacher on the fucking podcast? No, I'm giving you every opportunity.

I love smoking dope. I like fucking sucking and getting my dick suck. But to do all these things, you've got to be alive. Your circulation's got to be good. You want to eat ass? You got to go to fucking yoga. And that's it. You want to eat ass?

You got to go to fucking yoga. That's it. You got to get your shit together, man. And that's why we're here. When we're finished today, go to fucking Annet.com. Get a rope. Get a fucking kettlebell. Get some fucking alpha brain.

I used to take a little bit of Alfa brain and I go to yoga. Stop it. Like a savage, I go in there. A savage. You're in fucking deep, deep, deep fucking thought. You understand me? Like a savage dog.

And you try it. If you don't like it, you don't have to fucking do it. Go to, uh, did you ever see that Kickstarter plan with the Chinese guy? I went to Vietnam. He was all fucked up. He was 400 pounds. He couldn't even...

He did yoga. He lost 100 and something pounds from doing fucking yoga. I'm telling you. Yoga's just hard on you. You feel fucking strong. I stopped going because of the hours. My wife gets home at 5.

I can't go from 6 to 7.30. My wife won't go... That used to be our date night. Tuesday nights was yoga together. Yeah. That was our big fucking thing together. We go to Madison. We go to Michelle.

Try yoga. If you don't fucking like it, then I'm the bad guy. I got to give some shout-outs, cock, cocksucker. Andrew Peterson, Frank Bertini, I love you, cocksucker. Paul Higginson, another bad motherfucker. Gato Martinelli,

Dan Pizzini. This guy's all over the place. He's like dog shit. I love him. Kelly Valdez, Charles Eschelman, and Mesquite Pool Service, you bad motherfucker. You understand me? Give me some music, how about that fucking? It's a beautiful day today. What the fuck? You got to get your shit together. We're bringing yoga,

Rifa Lysayat What are you looking at me for? You want to smoke some more wheat That's what it is That's what you're saying Oh shit It's a beautiful Mother fucking day

Divo style Wingo for Uncle Joey Let me see Put the camera This This Rifa is delicious I got a blend in here This is

Cryptonite From I'm still smoking that crypto Fucking Noho organic It's a Beautiful where we live in. I got some Skywalker from Divine.

Don't forget, Friday, 4 to 8, Divine Wellness. Auntie fucking Dolores will be down there, sampling edibles, leaves and to be the guest starts. He's going to be signing autographs with his new book. I'm a Jew, and I love it. For you. Oh, Shilly. Want another hit, baby?

For you. Why not? I'm so fine. You got to be happy. We're going to go for breakfast. You've got a steak and a fucking two pieces of toast. Bet! Let me see me blow the smoke, huh?

A lot of times you take those little Jew hits. Go ahead. All right. Yeah, baby. Look at you. Like Bob Marley. If he was Jewish. It's a beautiful world.

Little Jew hits. You're motherfucker. Where's the music? That's right here. For you. You can do whatever you want to that people. Nobody's watching. This ain't communism.

Get up. Get that fucking paper. Read a little bit. Get a line. I was going to have Danny B. calling and give us this fucking package. Go to Danny B wins. Motherfuckers been on fire with baseball lately. You get two net picks for a thousand apiece. You make two grand a fucking week.

That's $8,000 a month after expenses. That's $6,200. You're going to send me five points because that's how I wrote. Lee, drop the knowledge on these motherfuckers. Tell them what they're missing. They're missing Hulu Plus. We're still brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to Huluplus.com slash Joey.

Lowercase, Joey. Lowercase, cucksucksuckers. As you should know by now, and there's also a banner at JoeyCodeus.net. And we've told you about a lot of their TV shows, but they have a bunch of movies there, too. They have Pulp Fiction. They have a bunch of documentaries, which I love. They have something called Forks Over Knives, which is this great health eating documentary. They have a bunch of stuff.

They have, I'm trying to think, what, the McDonald's documentary. I can't believe I'm forgetting it right now. Go forget it, Lee. But then they have revenge. They have Salt Park. They have revolution. They got community. They got SNL.

They got the Twilight fucking zone from 1959 with Rod Sterling when he was still doing heaven with the Chinese people in the village. Listen, cut this shit. Go to Huluplus.com. Go to the box. Go to my webpage. Go to Joey Diaz.net. Look at the t-shirts.

Look at the fucking tour. And then what you do is you go to Hulu Plus and you typed in, what do they type in Lee? Joey. Joey, lowercase, why cut this shit? If you like it, you get two free weeks. Who gives you anything for fucking free nowadays? Two free fucking weeks. That's 80,000 things a day.

You can sit there, smoke dope, watch the TV, and light yourself on fire. You're like, Joey, what do you mean TVs? Yeah, I know you've been watching on your PC or your fucking computer with Hulu.com. With Hulu Plus, we're going to take that motherfucker into the living room. So you get your balls licked and your dick suck while you're watching something on Huluplus. Dot com. That's how we fucking roll. You're going to get two weeks for free.

Do they got porn leave porn? No. You don't need fucking porn. You're making your own porn in the goddamn living room. Go to Hulu Plus. Press and lowercase, Joey. After two weeks, you like what Hulu Plus got the offer? It's $7.99 a month, correct?

That's correct. $7.99 a month. Eight fucking dollars. Where are you going to get that action for $8? You know how many movies? Don't get me started, please. And it's called Super Size Me. And it's called Super Size Me.

With the Dude with the Fucking Thing. And they found it. Anyway. It don't matter. They got a bunch of great movies on there. They got a bunch of TV shows. $8 a month after two weeks for free. So do what the fuck you need to do.

Go to HuluPlus.com or go to Joey Deers.com. Go to the box to Hulu Plus and press Joey lowercase. Get your fucking world started. You can't go out every night. You might as well get, stay home, eat some ice cream. You could do jumping jacks while you're watching something on Huluplus.com, correct? Absolutely. Who the hell you think you're dealing with?

That's the best way to watch it. Come on now. We ain't fucking around here. I'm not going to show up here with a bunch of things for you people to sit there and masturbate. If I'm bringing you something, it's a fucking good deal. Same thing with Honet. I don't fucking around when it comes to Honestine. Why would I?

I'm on the strong bone. You don't see me limping. I'm on the strong bone. I'm on the new mood. I sleep like a fucking baby. And I got the alpha brain cooking again. That's why I'm on all selling this today. You get that reef with an alpha brain.

You shoot a fucking alpha brain load and some chicks you'll walk around like a chicken without a fucking head. Go to fucking alpha brain. Go to Honest. Go to the box, press in church, get your discount, get your party started. Aubrey's in town this week. We're going to talk about what's going on with Honest this week. We want to go to lunch here this week and next week. And that's how we fucking do it, people.

Who's better than us? Who's better than fucking you? It's a Wednesday morning. All right? You got your fucking shoutouts. You know what's cracking, right? They know what's going on? I'm in Utah next week with the fucking Mormons.

I'm going over there, bring them young. Steve White and his fucking bullshit. I'm going to fucking Utah. You want to stop me? pick me up at the fucking airport, you Mormon cock-suckers, because I don't give a fuck. I'm coming,

I'm going to throw some fucking eat. Then the following week, I'm going to Lexington, Kentucky, to on Broadway, the 20th to the 23rd, I'm going to be rocking Kentucky. I don't give a fuck. Lexington, I love the Bible belt.

Bring the fucking Bible and the Christians, bring a snake. I don't give a fuck. And then the following me and Leah going up to San Jose. People already hitting us up where we're going to eat.

We're going to tell you're going to we're going to Original Joe's, bitches. We're going to McCormickson. It's the least paying. He's bringing a special Jew credit card with the picture of fucking... I don't even know. He got a picture that one.

Jesus with a fucking knife going through his head on it. I don't fucking know. I got one question for you. Go ahead, brother. What do alpha brain loads taste like? I don't fucking know. I don't taste those things. Yes, you do.

You gave me shit last night. I didn't say now. I said when I was young, I whacked off and I tasted just a seat. Yeah, but you called me last night. Every once I know why you got to taste it. That's what you're probably. You don't. If it tastes like flowers, then you got to eat something different.

You know, you said, what is the kale juice table? Sure, when you eat that juicing, you know, you got to get it together with your high. I am high. You always fuck with me when you're fucking high. I don't fuck with you. You get me aggravated with Hulu Plus. I told you, just tell the fucking people what they need to know. The bottom line, $7.99, two weeks.

I'm giving them a deal of a lifetime. You know what it cost them if they don't get it for $7.99? Like $22 fucking. So who do they couldn't? That's it. What do you want to talk about it? Take care of yourself. That's the fucking.

word of the week. Smoke some dope. Eat some oatmeal. Get a fucking apple. Bring an apple for the teacher. They just don't get money no more and anything. What do we got going out next week? We've got two podcasts. I don't even know. Jesus? No, that's it. We got two podcasts. We still have testicle testaments up.

We have the T-shirts, which people always show me in it. They're fucking awesome. So go check those out. I don't know. Man, that's it. That's all I can think of. I love that lady today that called. Just her voice made me in a good fucking mood. Such a sweetheart.

I didn't know that she was going through those type of situations. But you know what, man? Sometimes you break up with a fucking mope and it makes you better. Yeah. These fucking idiots out here see a blonde with big tits and they go crazy. And they got a chick that's good at home that sucks your pipe. Makes a good fucking beef stew and they want to get hit with some blonde with fake tits. What the fuck is wrong when you get it together?

Get it together, man. Jesus, how do you... I can't even imagine what's going on right now? What's going on what? With you? You've been... What? What? What's going on where?

18 joints by yourself. So what? That's what you're supposed to do you? That's what the church or what's happening? What do you want me to do here? And drink fucking carriage juice and put cucumbers and mize. What are you looking at that? Yeah, nothing.

We're looking out the window for you. I'm not looking out of the window. Like, what are the fucking coke fiends or something like that? I am. What are the fuck you looking out of the window for? You set me up with the Russians? Well, who's Russians? Oh, am I sitting up with them?

Yeah, absolutely I am. I got to get out of it. You people have a great fucking week. I love you very much. Thank you for listening. Thank you for giving us love on Twitter and Facebook. Thank you for giving Hulu love. Thank you for giving honored love and taking care of yourself.

We're going to take this fucking podcast to Jupiter. We're going straight to the top of this motherfucker. But I need you people. You follow what I'm saying? You people make the whole fucking week go by. Stay black. I love you. Hit me with the Eagles again.

The second part. Oh, I got Flewwood Mac ready. All right. Hit me with Fleetwood Mac. All right. But quickly, now the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus and start watching your favorite hit shows

right now go to the go to joey dyes dot net and click on the hulu plus banner for your extended free trial or go to hulu plus dot com slash joey again click on the hulu plus banner at joey ds net or go to hulu plus dot com slash joey