The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #061 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It's Monday, May 3rd..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Stamps.com & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.DraftKings.com Promo Code: JOEY Go to https://www.Stamps.com Promo Code: JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com Promo Code: JOEY or CHURCH And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint Produced by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 3rd of May. The joint is brought to you by Draft Kings. Listen. You know how much fun it is just to watch a sporting event with a little bit of money on it, just to make it a little bit more interesting? I'm talking about $25, $30, just something.

You know, listen, this week I didn't watch the UFC with Dominic Reyes, but last week I did. And it was just a small bet on the under. And I had fun and the game was more interesting. This Saturday, two of boxing's most respected fighters will step into the ring to duke it the fuck out. This is the highly anticipated matchup, and there's no better place to get in on the action than Draft Kings, America's top-rated sportsbook app. For this weekend's big fight, you're going to get a shot of turning a dollar into $55 when you bet on either main event fighter to win. 55 to one odds.

That's right, bet $1, and if the fighter your choice wins, you win $55 fucking dollars. Draft Kings has fight props also. Try it today. Basketball and hockey playoffs are right around the corner. Draft King Sportsbook is safe, secure, and reliable, meaning you can deposit and withdraw your funds at your motherfucking convenience. So do yourself a favor. Download the top-rated draft king sportsbook app.

right now and use promo code Joey when you sign up for a limited time only new users new new users I'm sorry about that can bet a dollar one dollar to win 55 on this weekend's main event draft King Sportsbook app is going all out for new users by offering them this chance to win fifty five dollars when placing a bet of one dollar on this weekend's big fight only at draft King Sportsbook and here's the fine print I got to read you got to be 21 over New Jersey Indiana or PA only new customers only restrictions apply see draftkings.com slash sportsbook for details now if you got a gambling problem called 1 800 gambler

in Indiana 1809 with it no but if you don't have no problems and you're fucking straight download the draft king sportsbook app for this weekend's fight and make some fucking Guitous. It's Mother's Day this Sunday. You got to be ready for mom. You know what I'm saying? Also, the join is also brought to you by Stamps.com. Listen, you know what this life is about? Saving

time and money. Life is a fucking long journey, but you ain't got time to be standing at the fucking post office. We're looking for parking and all this shit, or paying full price on postage. That's why I use and recommend Stamps.com.

My wife loves it. You can send letters, packages, anytime, anywhere, right from your fucking computer. And with Stamps.com, you pay a lot less. You get discounted rates from USPS, UPS, and more. Stamps.com has saved businesses, thousands of hours, and stacks of cash. My wife loves it. She sends out shirts. She sends out patches, whatever of mugs.

If you're a small business owner, stamps.com is a must have. Stop wasting time going to the post office and go to stamps.com instead. There's no risk. And with my promo code Joey, you get a special offer that includes no long-term commitment, free postage, and a digital scale. And no contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in Joey. Stamps.com, promo code Joey. Stamps.com.

Never, ever go to the post office again. The joint is also brought to you by CBD Lion. I'll find out today who won the PlayStation 5. Hopefully it's somebody from the joint. But if not, hey, what the fuck you're going to do? CBD Lion is the leader in CBD. They proved it to me again last week. They sent me some CBD fucking melatonin gummies.

Oh my God, the berry. I've been sleeping like a fucking baby, except for Wednesday night when I drank the espresso. Do yourself a favor. And they just released hemp flour, CBD joints. They still got the backball, still got the cream,

still got the roll on, and they're still the best CBD out there. Go to CBD line. Read their third-party lab results. You know, this ain't no fucking swami from salami trying to sell your shit. This is Uncle Joey telling you that if you need help, with anxiety, pain, you know, fucking insomnia,

CBD Lion might be able to help, but it all starts with you. Go to CBDLion.com right now and reading up on how CBN, CBY, CBD can help you. Go to CBDLine.com right now and pressing Joey or church and get 20% off your first order delivered to your fucking house. No gas station, CBD, no liquor store CBD,

This is the real fucking deal from Uncle Joey. Go to CBDline.com, press in Joey your church and get 20% off. Who's better than you? Nobody. Let's kick this motherfucker off right now. Uncle Joey's joint is coming to you in full fucking effect. Let's start this motherfucker. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers?

It's Monday, May the 3rd. A whole new month. A whole new set of goals. A whole new set of fucking priorities. I'm feeling good, tip top Magoo, had a great fucking weekend. You know, it's funny how, when you gamble, like the other day I went to the gym,

and I get out of my fucking car, and I look on the, you know, whatever, I turn around, and I look on the floor, and there's a dollar bill on the fucking floor. I go, what? I pick up the dollar bill, I get the last three numbers of the, there's like 10 numbers on a dollar bill,

I get the last three numbers, and I play the picket three times. It was like 723. My number came out. My birthday number came out last Sunday, New Jersey, 219, but it came out box. It came out 129. That day I stopped, and I bet 219,

but I didn't box it. The dummy that I fucking am, you know, if I got a minute, I'll go over to pick place, and I'll pick the fucking three numbers or four numbers or six. Just as something to do, you know. That's what you do when you live in fucking Jersey.

You play the pick three. So I'm like, what the fuck? I got to stop playing. I played the fucking 219. Nothing fucking happened. Then I found a dollar bill at the gym. I played 723. The morning, the lunch number and the night number, straight in box.

I got dick. And then yesterday I go to fucking Saturday. I went to a fucking Kentucky Derby party. I had a great weekend. I mean, we were out. Listen, the house goes to bed at 9 here. My daughter goes to bed 9, 9.30. my wife follows her like quarter the fucking 10

and then I stay up from 11 to about 12 I'm in that area we've been out four nights this week we didn't get home till fucking 9.30 I mean it was just a great week a lot of action games you know she won the fucking game ball on Saturday we'll talk about that shit later

but it was a full fucking week Friday night we had a fucking game and then we had a dinner with the families We went over to fucking pizza joint, and we invaded this place. We got pizzas and fucking chicken sandwiches, the whole thing for the kids. And then Saturday we had a game, and fucking after that, I went to a Kentucky Derby party, like I said. So I'm shell-shocked from the week.

I haven't picked the winner since the under of the fucking Rose Namajumas fight last week to 23rd. So I'm sitting there all weekend. And there was a game I liked one night this week. an NBA game. I didn't put it out on Twitter. I fucking came home and I forgot all about it. And I fucking would have lost anyway. So I was like, thank God I didn't bet it.

I'm the kiss of debt this week. So I go to this Kentucky Derby party yesterday. I'm sitting and I go, you know what? They're taking numbers. They're like, you know, we can take bets if you want them. So I'm sitting there. I look at the fucking lineup. And again, I don't know nothing about these horses.

I don't know nothing about trainers. I know nothing. This is why I say to you, you know, people who are very technical, like if you ask Joe Rogan, like I don't know how many times we've been on a plane together, headed to a UFC,

and I'll talk to him about somebody I want to gamble on, and he'll tell me why not to bet that guy, and I'll believe him, and then the other guy will win. Because Joe knows fighters to the fucking, he knows everything about fighters. He knows everything about boxing.

He knows everything about the trainers. So when people know that much knowledge, they tend to bet and they lose because there's too much knowledge. You're betting on the fucking line. So I don't know nothing about nothing. So I'm sitting there yesterday. I get the fucking booklet.

I'm looking at it. I go, what's my lucky number? Eight. My mother died on the eighth. I stopped doing blow on the eighth. My daughter was born on the eighth. As far as I'm concerned, it's my lucky fucking number. Right?

So I go, let me bet the fucking eight horse. And then Joe Florentine liked the nine horse, the hot rod, whatever the fuck it was. So the other thing was the eight horse had the name Medina. So I like that song, Funky Co. Medina. And I have a friend called Sam Medina that me and my brother were talking about the other day. So I said, fuck it. I'll put 20 across the board on this number eight horse, Medina.

And I'll put 20 across the board on the nine horse, this fucking hot rod, whatever. And listen, it doesn't really matter if I win or lose. It's $120. I'm at a party. Who cares? me and my wife and my wife took some horses i don't know who the fuck she bet next thing you know the race goes off and i'm like fucking sitting there i can't see the fucking screen but then you know what the day i said let me get up a little closer give it some luck i get up fucking 10 feet

and my horse is coming in i'm like come on the eight horse isn't come on that was just a lucky fucking pick and all of a sudden boom the race is over the eight horse came in and the nine horse came in third so i won on the nine horse and the fucking eight horse then after the eight horse one i found out that the trainer was like fucking bellichick he had broken he won fucking eight kentucky derbies and shit people are looking at me like you knew i didn't know nothing i didn't know nothing it was the luckiest fucking bet i've ever made in my life but that just goes to show you man you never know what the fuck is going to happen in this life you never fucking know you know right now i got i spoke to ari this week i spoke to rogan this week you know

And they both gave me a little shit about not doing stand-up. And I go, you know what? There's nothing wrong with that because something good will come out from all this. For you guys that don't know on my other podcast on Patreon, I let them know on Friday that I had my first fucking meeting with a book publisher this Friday. You know how big that is? Do you have any idea how big that is? Like, I didn't even know until after I got off the fucking phone on how big that was.

and how big that was. The last couple months, I've been over here. Yeah, we've been doing a podcast. The Zooms you guys don't like, whatever the fuck, you know. But we've been trying, at least for trying. That's all that fucking matters in my world. You know, when people say to you, well, I'm not doing this because I don't know exactly how to do it. We'll fucking do it.

And while you're doing it, you'll find the kinks and you'll work them out. It's like the kids going back to school. They should have been back in fucking school a year ago. Because like that we could have learned. We could have learned what's really fucking happening here. If you put 10 kids together, are they going to get? And then we go by we learn. You closing the fucking schools and not letting them go to school and saying that we got to figure it out,

it's not going to fucking pan out. This is why I started doing the fucking podcast because I knew it would loosen me the fuck up. Patreon, it would loosen me the fuck up. And I go back to the early seat. last week lead to the podcast with somebody and he said some pretty interesting things on that league and they were talking about

that throughout this whole podcast genre nobody gave enough credit to Brian Redband because Brian Redband was the guy who really pushed these when how podcasting started for me how I got introduced to it was in a window of time that I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

You know, 2007, I quit cocaine. But while I was in that process of quitting cocaine, I was also on my name is Earl. Greg Garcia, God bless his soul, gave me a reoccurring role. That was when Earl was stuck in the prison with Ethan Supley. they were great. They were great episodes. A couple weeks ago I had Michael Rappaport on and a bunch of you guys got pissed off

from me, whatever. Listen, me and Michael Rappaport go back to that season of 2007 with my name is Earl. And the reason why Greg liked me, you know, whatever, was because Mike Rappaport was pulling for me on the show. While they were shooting, Michael Rappaport would go, hey, this would be a good scene to have Joe

in it and they would call me at three in the afternoon and go joy what are he doing that like six can you stop by this set and just do a scene that's how good they were to me but i was in a great position i quit cocaine november 2007 i did two more episodes of my name is Earl in December and that meant that in 2008 i was going into a new fucking show i was like they were going to stay in the prison for the rest of the year a lot of people don't know this fucking story. That's why I'm telling you the story. A lot of people don't know this. I was on and I was so fucking excited because I go, listen,

if I'm on a network show during pilot season, for people who don't know, pilot season used to be from mid-January till about May, late April, I would usually get the call the end of March because I'm one of the ugly dudes. They usually start with the leads and then the fucking other roles, and then they pick the janitors,

and the fucking other people last. And that's when I would come in. So I figured that if I was on a fucking TV show while pilot season was on, I would maybe get put on as a series regular. I was perfect. I was off the blow. I had a new outlook.

I was excited. Fuck, this is great. Well, put the brakes on the fucking car. There's a fucking union strike. There's a writer strike. So my fucking plans of January, me being on a fucking show, were wiped that the slate was wiped clean.

I was done. The strike took over and it was heartbreaking. You know, I mean, I wasn't, listen, if you want me to think that I was throwing things at wall now, it's just a part of fucking growing up that you deal with as a man. You go, what am I going to do? There's nothing I can do with you.

There's a right of strike. And after the strike came back, they weren't going to do, they weren't going to be back in the fucking prison. So I got fucked in pilot season. I got fucked out of sixth grade episodes of My Name, Missouri. I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining.

I had a big transition period. So we're 2008 right now. And the only thing I got going on, really, is Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan's taking me on the road with him. It's me, him, Ari, Duncan, you know, Red Band at the time. We had a nice little click going. I had worked really hard. You know, I was, they wouldn't accept me as a stand-up.

Even though by this time I was a regular at the store from 90s, 2007, all that stuff went down with Rogan and myself at the store and, you know, the guy that was running. I forget what his fucking name was. So that was it. I wasn't at the store no more. It was 2008. You know, by this time, I had done the longest shot. I had done Spider-Man.

I had done my name is Earl. I had done all this fucking work, law and order, SVU, taxi. I mean, the fucking movies were endless and the TV shows were endless. But you know what, man? Nothing was working for me. It just was not working for me at whatsoever.

I was lost. I didn't know what to do. Like I said, the only thing on my compass was Rogan. Rogan was the lighthouse. At least I had that every two weeks. And don't get me wrong, I was putting my own little gigs together. But I was really, I was at the end of my fucking rope. I don't know what else I could do, you know, to win them the fuck over.

I have no idea what to do. But while I was going on the road with Rogan at night, we would finish up on the road, and then we would go back to Joe's room, and we would dick around. And one night, Brian's like, let's just tape this, you know, and I'm like, what are you talking about? taped it. And we were taping it.

And I started thinking, I'm like, listen, man, we're taping these things. And who's home on a fucking Friday night at midnight? 14-year-olds were basically talking to 14-year-olds. A lot of people don't remember this shit. You know, I was not into it at all. I would hang out up at the rooms. Me and Ari would go up there and hang out for a little while. And I just wasn't into this podcast thing.

I wasn't buying into it. And then I remember getting a call from Brian one day that, they weren't going to do that podcast anymore after the shows because some kid did DMT and his mother caught him and he blamed it on listening to it on Rogan with us that night and they actually called Rogan's manager people forget about this shit I don't forget about none of this shit so I was turned off to podcasting like I'm like see what I'm saying do you see what I'm fucking saying

some fucking kid was listening at midnight on fucking Friday night Why are we getting together on a Friday night at midnight? People are out doing blow, eating ass, doing drugs, getting in trouble, eating pills. Fucking knuckleheads are home on a Friday night. Kids, you know, they're just kids, they're home, they got no money to go out, and you're going to fucking pop up on their screen, and they're going to fucking, you know. So I was like, I don't know what the fuck I want to do. But on the other side of stand-up, like, I was good.

I was really fucking good at stand-up at this time. But guys, it just wasn't worth. There's nothing you could do. Sometimes people fall between the holes. You know, I saw this whole thing happened and it was so beautiful and I want to tell you how it went down fucking step by step. So one of those nights, I went out to dinner with my wife, I don't know where the fuck we were. We were at some fucking restaurant and it was busy. They had a couple of valets. It was a place in Encino. They had valets running and running. I forget the name of the restaurant, to be honest here.

Now I'm seeing it in my head. And one of the kids came over to me. You know, they usually have Mexican valets. This guy was a little Arab kid. Nice kid. Sweet kid came over to me. He's like, Joey, you don't know me. My girlfriend's a comic slash whatever.

She does a show on Thursday nights. We just tell stories. we don't want you to do no stand-up there's no stand-up allowed you have to go up there and tell a fucking story and I'm like really this is weird so I was struggling with my stand-up

I was a good stand-up but there was something missing from my stand-up it was the personalization of my stand-up I was just doing one-liners here I felt like Rodney Dangerfield I was trying to copy Rodney for a lot of people that say you resemble not resemble

but your comedy because I was trying to be Rodney for a long time. I was in the middle of Rodney, Andrew Dice Clay, Bill Hicks, Prior. You know, those are the guys that affected me, Lenny Clark. I loved that style of comedy, Paul Mooney. So, but I wasn't catching what they were doing. The reason why they were successful because they were connecting with the audience members. I was funny, but I wasn't connecting with the audience. Big fucking difference.

And I want you to think about that. A lot of people don't ever think about that. You have to make a connection with that audience. Funny is funny. People laugh on the way off, they'll go, he was a funny guy, the second guy that went up before Rogan. But he's not making a connection like Rogan's making, like Greg Geraldo was making. Like all these guys were making. So I went and it was like a Thursday night, some bar.

It wasn't even a bar, to be honest. It was a coffee shop. trying to correct myself. It was a coffee shop that maybe sat 16. It was in the back of like a fucking restaurant. And I went and I told a story. And I remember getting in the car afterwards. Don't ask me what story I told.

I think I told a story about maybe Mr. Martini or something like that. Like I was thinking about 88 Street, 205. And when I got off, I remember she thanked me and I got in the corner. I'm like, that was interesting. It was a funny story. Like, I got laughs. It was interesting.

Guys, I wish I could remember the story. And I enjoyed my, I was like, that was fucking great, you know, that I got to tell a story instead of going up there and just telling one-liners. And about a week later, I got a call from the funny bones. and they were trying to book me in a couple clubs. They were like, what we're trying to do is get guys that don't sell out improvs and put them in funny bones.

And I was like, that sounds great. But this brought me back to something that happened with Billy Gardell. I remember going to Burbank one day to a Starbucks to meet a guy to write. And as I was walking towards my car, there's a hamburger joint next to the Starbucks. It's a famous, Mel's Burgers. And on Friday nights, that's where Jay Leno brings his cars. And a bunch of people bring their cars, like from the 50s.

And they try to, like, do doo-wop and all this shit. Anyway, it's got nothing to do with this. I'm just explaining the restaurant to you, motherfuckers. If you're ever in Burbank and you want to go, knock yourself out. But I saw Billy was sitting there by himself. Right before he got the show with the girl on CBS, Yes, it had to be maybe three months before he got this. This is a couple of years before that.

And I saw him sitting there and I went, Billy, what's going on? You know, I knew Billy from the comedy scene. And he goes, ah, these fucking funny bones made me an offer. It's not even worth fucking doing when you think about it. You know, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. When I go, Billy, it's just an offer, blah, blah, blah. And then I didn't see Billy again. and God bless him.

Months later, he got the show with Melissa or whatever her name is. I don't even know if that's her name. McCarthy, I don't know. And he became famous, Billy Gardell. But now I was on that end. I'll never forget that. When I was on the phone with the fucking funny bones, I was thinking about Billy years earlier.

And I fucking go, they offered me, like, shitty money, you know, for comedy. I don't know if you guys know what money, shitty money is. It was like Wednesday through Sunday. So that's Wednesday, Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday, and one Sunday. And they wanted to give you $1,200 bucks, no plane ticket. Plain tickets were like $300 fucking bucks. So that means I'm clearing nine, no commission, but you got to pay taxes. You're not really making any money.

It's work, Joey. Be happy with it. By that point, I was like, you know what, man, I'll do it. cut Sunday and they were like we can't do that if we cut Sunday we need to cut money off the thing and I was like you know what this is something I don't even want to fucking do I'm having a great time going on with Rogan he pays me well we eat well he takes care of me plus I'm around great comics when I'm with him I just do that I'm not going to get involved in this shit no more in fact I'm going to get a fucking job I'm not going to do fucking stand up around town

You know, I just moved to the valley in 2009. I got married. I moved to the valley. And I was like, I made a decision. I said, I'll tell you what I'm going to fucking do. I'm going to fucking do stand up a couple nights a week. You know, 100 here, 200 here, 50 here. And I'll go on the road with Rogan.

But I think it's time to get a fucking day job. Am I quitting a stand up? Not really. But I'm not doing this 100%. I've got guys like Greg Garcia. I've got friends that are writers that throw me stuff from time to time. You know, I was getting, you know, maybe four calls a year from friends. Just give me a fucking movie or a TV show, which is fucking better than nothing.

So I figured, fuck it. I'll just do that. I'll get a fucking day job. And I'll keep pushing, you know, whatever. I'll be a husband. I'll stay in at night more. I'm not going to the store. You know, I'm not doing all these things.

You know, I might as well just focus on being a husband. Focus on fucking, you know, a little stand-up I'm going to do. And I'll focus on a job. I'll try to get a job selling something. So I put a resume together. 2009, a lot of you guys don't know this. I put a resume together. I made up the phony college fucking the credits and the fucking,

you know all the shit and i went online and started sending out resumes to become a fucking salesman you know i got a few calls back you know there weren't nothing i wanted not to be a traveling salesman i want to like to sell shit on the phone like to just check up on people whatever the fuck it was maybe you have an 800 line number for a fucking couch company and people call in with leads it's not like i'm cold calling people i want to try different i love selling I love talking to people on the phone. I don't give a fuck. So I sent out a bunch of resumes.

You know, I got nothing. Who the fuck's on call? A fucking 40-year-old loser for a fucking kid's job. So nobody fucking calls. So I said, fucking. I'll go back to what I know, what I do, selling fucking cars. So I went to a couple dealerships in the area, walking distance from my house.

You know me, I'm a lazy fuck. I applied to the Ford store. I applied to, I think it was a Nissan. store and I think there was a Toyota store and all three of them said they would take me but the Ford store really wanted me. The Ford store was in love with me. They were they were all in. They liked the experience. It was a line of closer type deal. They were going to fucking make me a closer right off the bat. But there was a kink in the deal. I had to give them a clean your analysis. That wasn't happening. I was smoking dope with three hands. The revolution of dope

was just starting to fucking happen and you know I'm not I'm not fucking quitting dope so the guy's like listen just find yourself like fake piss or whatever take the test pass it and they were even I mean they were willing to work around my schedule

they were like we'll even let you go on the weekends and do comedy just come here during the week putting as many hours as you can a lot of people don't fucking know this about me but there's two sides to this fucking story one day got a call from arry and he goes hey man do me a favor i want to try this thing and the improv there's not even booze being served there's no fucking money at all being paid it's just an experiment would you mind doing it for me come down and tell a story i go what story do you want me to tell i mean i already knows a lot of my life he goes tell a

story about you going to prison. I had never, I was fucking embarrassed. I had never talked about this before. You know, I was like, wow. I go, all right, you know, I'll go down there and fucking tell a story. I get down there, Mark Marin's there. And Mark Marin is telling a story about a concert. And I go, wow.

So whatever story I thought about, whatever portion I was going to talk about the kidnapping and whatever, I go, fuck this. I'm going to go up there and tell a picture. Floyd story when I took a head of acid and went and got playing Floyd tickets and the whole fucking thing and I went down there and did it and felt great about it and when I got there and got all I think Steve Agee was there was me Steve Agee and I think that's how you say his name Steve or J whatever he hangs out with Sarah Silman and Mark Marin I went up after Mark and we told this Pink Floyd story and a couple days later Ari put it up on YouTube

and I'm like, let me take a look at it. I mean, I hate watching myself, but let me fucking take a look at this thing. And I fucking took a look at this thing, and I'm like, wow, that's a completely different shit than what I do on stage. I gotta start leaning towards that. I got to figure out a way

how to fucking lean towards storytelling on stage. And this, you know, this is the way to go to help my act. But at that time, I really wasn't putting that much focus. And I'm like, it might work. It might not work. What if I tell a story and people don't like it?

How am I going to come back from that? You know, I told the story about finding my mother on stage one night on acid in some city. When I was opening up for jail, it was a complete. The story was great, but then I couldn't go anywhere from there. I just bombed. Once you find your mother on the floor, there ain't no fucking place to go from there. You know, there ain't no joking. You can't follow that.

I'm saying? People fucking got tears in their eyes. I'm like, what have I done? I'm trying to be funny here to tell this fucking story and people got tears in their eyes. I fucked myself. So I'm like, how am I going to make this fucking work? This was all like a process. So I'm like, you know, even though I don't want to be a stand-up full-time

anymore, I still would like to be a better stand-up. There's nothing wrong with being better, you know. So they're calling me from the Ford store, you know, hey, how is it going? Are you staying clean? I'm like, listen, bro, I'm just weaning myself off from Riefer. I'm not staying clean. I had made some calls to figure out how to get fucking piss. Everybody I asked, everybody I knew got high.

It's not like I didn't know anybody who didn't get fucking high. So where was I going to get pissed from? You know, when I lived in Colorado, I had a few neighbors that I would go up to them with the jar and go, hey, pissing here for me, you know. And they would understand. But in California, people, I didn't know. who to ask you go up to somebody in California he told me you want piss God can you imagine right now somebody fucking saying on a video yeah 10 years ago Joey D has called me up looking for piss I don't know what he was gonna do with it that's a complete different

fucking so I didn't even ask anybody this is way somebody told me that they sold piss at head shops fake piss some synthetic piss I couldn't fucking find it so I was like give me a couple more weeks and I'll try to get fucking clean off this weed and my numbers to go down. They call on me every fucking day. Can you please? We need you on the line. I'm like, holy shit, what the fuck have I done here? And in all

this, I still got Brian, you know, which is funny because I talked to Brian Thursday night this week. And I called them because I was going through my computer and I found I'm going to post a few things

I found this weekend. I'm finally cleaning up a bunch of shit guys. You know, People keep asking me, when can I get a P.O. box? I'm not getting shit. Because I'm still fucking putting away shit. I just took a bunch of clothes upstairs this morning. I got up early and I fucking took a bunch of clothes upstairs that I found. There was a bunch of shit that was going on right now.

And Red Band, we did for a while there. Me, Brian and Ari were getting together on my front balcony. And we were doing a podcast outside called Podcasts. I don't know if anybody remembers that. Podcast, podcast, podcats. And we would just talk about fucking cats. And I'm like, this is the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life. But I got to do some with my life.

I mean, let's at least talk about fucking cats. You know, I had nine cats at the time. Now I'm down to three. You know, they die over the fucking years. You can't take them. I wish they could all still be here. But two of them on their last leg, they're just holding on to dear life. But it's going to be a sad day.

when they go and they're two sisters, and they were sisters, they were super bad. But anyway, who gives the fuck about the cats? We're not talking about cats right now. But that's how it started. We did about six episodes of podcasts. And I found, what I found the other day wasn't the actual fucking podcast.

I found the notes I would make to talk about calico and you know, fucking whatever blue and fucking Siamese cats. And I found the notes. I'm like, I was making actual fucking notes for that. I forgot all about that. So Brian was still with the podcast thing. Like, are you going to ever do a podcast?

I'm like, no, why? So if I smoke a joint on there, I'm going to get a call from some kid's mother that a 13-year-old fucking OD on a joint because I smoked a joint on a fucking podcast. That's the last thing I fucking need. So no, I'm not doing any fucking podcast. I refused.

But all of a sudden, I get another call from Ari. And he's like, hey, we're doing that show again do you mind coming down i'm like really another storyteller show okay this is fun maybe i'll get to do another fucking story and i wrote i don't even know what story i told him the second one again it was back i mean we were doing them in the annex we weren't even doing them at the fucking improv that's why i give rie all the credit in the world he got that show and he started it in the fucking annex with no booze it was people just sitting there no drinking no nothing They didn't even have curtains up.

It was just a fucking eight-inch brick wall. Not even the fucking bricks. Block. It was a block wall, no curtain, no nothing. I felt like I was going there to get shot. Like somebody was going to ask me, do you want to the last cigarette? Like, there was nothing there. So just, and I forget what story I told there.

And again, it fucking worked. I'm like, fuck it, this is great. The storytelling shit is fucking great, you know. And I get a call from the Ford store dog. we need you you got to come piss so I said fuck it I'll go down there and give it a shot they go if you piss and if you fail you can't get it you got to come back in a year you got to wait a whole fucking year so are you ready for this I go do listen I've been smoking light lately what's light for me maybe a join a two a day compared to the 22 I was smoking

for the last fucking 28 years let's go give it a shot and I went down there and I pissed in a bottle and they were like, listen, you came back hotter than fuck. Your car salesman days are over with, and I'm like, everything happens for a reason. And I think the next day, I bumped into Felicia Michaels at the coffee shop on Koufax. Now, I had met Felicia in 1994 at the Comedy Works in Denver. She was one of the hottest comics,

working in the country at that time. She had just one star search. She had just posed in Playboy. You know, I was a young comic. I mean, I wasn't a young kid. I was already an old long and a 32-year-old, 33-year-old. In 1994, I'm clocking myself, maybe 32. Yeah, I was born in 33.

So 63. So in 94, I'm 31, maybe 95. I'm 32. I had to be 32, and I was doing an open mic on a Tuesday night, and we were in the Comedy Works in Denver, and in Denver, the headliner of the week, it starts headlining on Wednesday,

but they pay you extra money to fly in on Tuesday and just do a half hour for the open mic to draw people to the open mic, so the open mic is going to have an audience, which I thought was great, and I watched the do a set, and I fucking die the laughter, And afterward, I just went up to her.

And I was like, that was great. I didn't know of Felicia. I had seen her on the MTV half hour, comedy hour before. And I was like, she's pretty fucking good and she's beautiful. You know, I could be as honest as I can to you. When I went up to her, I didn't go up to her when any thing of hidden on her or anything. I really went up to her to tell her that was fucking great, you know, and what do I? I just wanted to ask advice in those days

whenever I saw a comic I would always go up to them that I liked that I was kind of cool with and I would always go if there was one piece of advice you could give me you know and I went up to her and I told her I liked the set and it wasn't like Hollywood shit where people don't make eye contact with you

she made eye contact with me and she took the time like she was like you have to get on stage you know don't worry about a manager or an agent, don't worry about head shots, just get the real fucking patois, stand up, you know. Just get up there. That's all you gotta do is just get up there, you know,

and it'll come to you, but keep getting up there, don't get discouraged. She gave me such great advice that I was so thankful to her. Like I was so grateful to her, because sometimes when people give you advice, they give you advice in a weird tone, like, oh, this again, you know, she didn't do that. And because of that lesson that I learned from Felicia,

when comics come up to me with advice, I don't give them a third eye, I, a stink eye, you know. I actually make eye contact with them, and I tell them what I think is the perfect thing for them, you know, which is, just get on stage. You know, all this other shit you tell, it's like when you talk to a foreigner,

and he's like, This is shit. This is pure shit. You know, it's the same thing. It's like, when you come up to me and you're like, I don't know what to do my material. Listen, get on stage. You're doing comedy three years. Guess what?

Nobody gives a fuck. I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you that somebody gives a fuck. Nobody gives a fuck. This is one of the best times of your life. When nobody gives a fuck, you go up to end, do whatever the fuck you want. You have a free fucking pass. It's when you're doing comedy eight years

that somebody will come up to you and go, you've been doing comedy eight years and you're still playing the banjo with your teeth and you're like, ah, I thought it works. No. You know, when you're doing comedy three years, that's the beauty about doing comedy for three years. You could do whatever the fuck you want.

Nobody's going to say something to you. Who's that dummy with the suit on? No, he's an open mic. He's just a retard. That's what I'm saying. But meanwhile, you're making fucking... I knew that every time I touched the stage in the beginning that I was making strides.

Like, I didn't beat myself up. I could be as honest as I can with you and tell you that my first two or three years of comedy, I didn't beat myself up because I figured out it was getting on stage. It was a numbers game. It's just numbers. Just keep getting it and let people make fun of you and let them say you suck. Plenty of them said I suck to me. My own friends, my own friends that I grew up with would tell me, Joey.

Those jokes are fucking brutal. You know what that feels like? It's a heartbreaker, but it's a part of fucking life. but I used those three years to my advantage, like just do whatever the fuck I wanted. Back to the fucking story at hand here. So I bumped into Felicia in this coffee shop that was right by my house

and I sat down with her and we started yakking and, you know, catching up and she had just gone through a divorce. You know, she was lost. You know, when you go through a divorce, people have to pick sides. When people go through a divorce, sometimes people are forced to pick sides. Felicia was in a tough situation

because she was married to a big time comedy manager. Comics are horse. So if you looked at Felicia and looked at this comedy manager, even if that comedy manager wasn't your manager, you didn't want a situation where in the future you're going to get big

and that guy is not going to be your manager because you're friends with his ex-wife. Do you follow them saying to you? So when I bumped into Felicia from my conversation with her, I could tell that she was grateful that I was talking to her because this divorce had set, had pushed comics away from her in a way. They made her like standoff. It's just the way it is in L.A.

If this would happen anywhere else, people would still be their friend. But in L.A., God forbid, you know, this guy could be my manager someday, someday I might have a big movie. So I spoke to her a few times. I go, hey, Felicia, all these people are doing a fucking podcast.

Let's give it a fucking shot. And she was like, let's give it a shot. I mean, we didn't even know where to start, guys. It wasn't like nobody. I called Red Band, and I go Red Band, I'm thinking of starting a podcast with Felicia. What do I need? And he gave me a fucking list of shit.

and we went to the guitar center and we set it up in the house there was no instructional manual there was no YouTube videos there was no IKEA videos there was nothing there was nothing there was nothing there was just there was no

proof there was no Joe Rogan experience the guy at that time when we started was the guy from the man show that was it Mark Marron was rocking and rolling a little bit those were the two higher-ups there was maybe

maybe 300 podcasts then there wasn't the 20,000 podcast there is now there was nothing there was nothing to base yourself off of really nothing we were just going in there myself and felicia I told I go the first two months if you listen to beauty and the beast now it was just her and I just fucking figuring it out and I got to tell you I listened to one maybe six months ago it was fucking rough you think the zooms are rough you should try to listen to one of those beady and the beast you'll be running back to the fucking zooms okay so it was fucking rough but we kept doing it but now at the same time the storytelling shit started picking up in l ari's doing more storytelling shows the chick i know is doing more storytelling shows i had picked up a little thing

my friend Di Agostino, which you guys know, the Agostino Zoya, the homeschool podcast. He was a manager at the Ha-Ha. He was just a kid. And we became friends. And I had a deal with him that I would go over to the ha-ha, not get put on the lineup.

I would go over to the ha-ha every fucking night and close the show up. That's how I made my comeback into comedy again. I wasn't really, this was done. I was gone. I was going to go sell, I wasn't going to do something completely fucking different. But I was like, I got to give this podcast.

There was no money. Nobody was making money. There was no ads. There was nothing. Our first ad was fucking the sex toy company. They gave us 100 a month to sell dildos and shit like that. There was no fucking money. There was nothing.

Nobody knew nothing about nothing. But all I know is we had to show up there every Tuesday. And I think we did it once a week or at the beginning we just did it once a week because we didn't fucking know we had nobody listening to it Nobody was downloading podcast this was like fucking you know the beginnings But we kept with it we kept doing it and doing it and we were lost We could not find the fucking voice of this fucking podcast But a funny thing happened on the way to the fucking circus See all this storytelling going around town got me going and I would

sit down every day and write a different fucking story. I would sit down every day and write a different story. And I don't know if you guys believe me, you go back with me this far. If any of you motherfuckers could find my MySpace, go on my MySpace. I wrote the Monday morning blog for a fucking two years on MySpace. That's how, when you start,

when I start thinking about all this, how this thing came about the last, I've been sitting in this house for the last eight months, thinking about how the fuck this journey started, where and when did this journey pick up, how. You know, and we've never covered this shit. People ask me all the time, how they fucking, you know,

while I'm giving you the answer, I didn't know anything about anything. It's 2000 fucking 10, and I'm not selling tickets. I'm not, I was getting better as a comic, I think. I think I was in a transition period. I was starting to tell stories and trying to do jokes at the same time.

I didn't even know what I was doing, but something else that I was doing came into that I never told anybody. I think I mentioned it twice over the last 10 years on podcast. I looked within, and I knew one thing. I knew that I was funny. Let's get this out of the way. I was funny. Was I the funniest guy on the block?

No. But even after doing stand-up, 17 year mark, 17 years, fucking 10 of them being at the store, the world famous comedy store, I still didn't have it down as a good comic. It didn't really, I was trying to find the balance. 17 years, you're doing something. 17 fucking years and you cannot find the balance. that sucks but through the storytelling shows I started picking it up I was eating big bags of

dicks I remember going out with Josh Wolfe and we were laughing like dog I've ate four bags of dicks this week I went out four nights with him and I died that's why Josh has a video I think him and Bill Burr were talking about nobody bombs like me oh there was a period where fucking I was just bombing and loving it and not caring because I didn't give a fuck I'm I was experimenting this was all new to me but I was I don't want to tell you I was frustrated I knew I could improve so I didn't say nothing to nobody every Thursday night when a comic came into town at the Irvine Improv I I would take a ride by myself, smoke a number,

park in the garage at the improv, and walking through the back door, and there was a little table on the side where you could sit. Fucking nobody even knew I was there. The waitresses would say hi to me. I would just sit at this little side, and for a year, I'm lying to you. Let's say for nine months, every Thursday.

Maybe I missed four Thursdays. and a year, nine months. I went to see a different headliner and watched them from the side, watched them objectively between you and I, took notes. I would bring a little notebook with me. I wouldn't make notes of their material, not at all.

I would make notes of what their strengths were and how I could be as strong as them. That was on the ride home, before I got in the car, I would ride what their strengths were. and on the ride home I would think about what I needed to do to be like Greg Gerardo, to be like Dave Attell, to be like fucking, the elephant in the room, the big black dude that I fucking loved, I can't think of his name, Patrice O'Neill, to be like Rich Voss.

I went down and I actually studied them. I wasn't going to the store. I wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't even at the store at that time. And I went down there. So I was trying to get an idea of what I wanted to do. Again, this is at the fucking 18 year mark of doing comedy, 2008. You know, I've been doing comedy since 91.

So I was learning. I yearned to learn. I fucking yearned. I'm like, I'm going to get this. I heard Mitchie Shaw once say that you don't know what standup is till you're doing it for 20 years. So I was like, you know what? I'm going to have to wait until 2000 fucking 11.

If I'm going to quit or not going to do this, I'll wait until 2011. So even though while I was transitioning and not doing so much stand-up, this is why I'm not upset right now that I'm not doing stand-up, because even though I'm not doing stand-up, I'm putting a book together, which, guys, it's all I ever wanted to do the last 20 years. I just wanted to have that thing author next to my name. So since I moved in here, even though at times I feel like I'm not carrying my load, the podcast isn't working, all this shit isn't working, guess what I'm doing.

I'm sticking to a schedule. That is so great of me. I'm sticking to a workout routine. I'm sticking to a schedule in the last, since the surgery, since January, Eric and I have put together close to five chapters in a book And I don't know if you guys have been following my story on Ryan Sickler Those are some long fucking chapters, okay? This book is going to be fucking long as fuck

They're gonna edit it as we go along You know, I spoke to the publisher And he asked me, goes, why did you give up on your one-man show? I go, I didn't give up on it. It gave up on me You can't fit that much material in 70 fucking minutes unless I want to keep you guys there for three hours on a one-man show

and that's not nobody is that special that you want to see him for three fucking hours tell a story there's no way it's an hour 10 and then your hemorrhoids starts to fucking burn and you got you already heard mine burning that's not a fart that's a chair thing but what I'm trying to say to you is that's what happens

you start moving you start getting uncomfortable I don't want to do that so I explained to them that the 70 minute mark wasn't going to work. So to get back to the fucking story here, I'm trying to tell you guys. Podcasting wasn't working for us. We weren't the top podcast. We weren't making it happen.

But something happened on the way to the dance. It always does. Always keep that in mind. No position. Listen, unless you're at home and you're just watching TV all day and not trying, then the odds are stocked against you. You're not going to do shit.

if you're sitting there if you if you want to write an album for your band if your band's waiting for you to write an album and you're sitting at home watching tv it looks like that album's never going to fucking come it's never going to fucking come if you're sitting there making notes every day and you're struggling with it but you're sticking to it every day four or five days a week and even though you're struggling with it like the way i'm struggling with the guitar i was really struggling with it but if you do it four or five days a week, even if it's for 15 minutes, eventually something good's going to happen. I didn't get, my act was struggling, the podcast was struggling, and then something happened on the way to the dance. Me and Felicia were going back and forth, and what I was doing was I had Sirius in my car.

So when I would drive around, I would drive around listening to Sirius, and I would go, fuck you know I gotta get the podcast to be more like these serious shows I'm listening to you know at that time it was Eddie trunk Florentine Jim Norton and you know Opie and Anthony I was listening to those guys and I was like I wanted to be more like that but then I go wait a second whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa podcasting is podcasting radio radio there's two different fucking things and if you look at What's going on in the world today? What's going on in life today? Radio is not doing anything anymore.

I mean, we got like maybe four hosts that you still listen to. But podcasts are blowing up. All the years listen to podcasts all fucking day long. And there's a reason for that. And this is what I didn't understand. I was trying to do radio on a podcast. And it wasn't for the day that me and Felicia were talking. Maybe I had a bong hit him in me.

Maybe I didn't. Who the fuck? and I'll never forget that she we had little things that could cover you like a spit guard is that what you call them like a spit guard I couldn't really fucking see anything I couldn't see her and we were just fucking yacking back and forth about something and I told the story about mugging the hooker and lighting her wig on fire I don't know what made me say I thought about my friend and I'm like hey I ever tell you I had a friend that we used to use as a mom And we used to put him out there and fucking, you know, guys, like confused guys would fucking drive up to him and ask him if he could suck his dick. And then we would fucking mug him. You know, we were talking about that. And then I told the story about speaking of muggins, one night we actually went into the city. And while my friend was getting his dick suck, God rest his soul, we mugged the fucking hooker.

We took her back to fucking Jersey and mugged her and lit her wig her. on fire. I'll never forget that I was so into telling the story. I was focused on the microphone. I was telling the story and something made me pop up. Like, and look at Felicia. And next thing I know is she was looking straight at me and her jaw was head dropped. And when I looked at her, I go, holy shit.

That's what a fucking podcast is. her jawdrop for a fucking reason. I was blown away. We kind of wrapped it up and Felicia, you're okay? She's like, Joey, that fucking story kind of disturbed me. It was weird. I don't know if we should put it up. You know, you're mugging a hooker and I'm like, Felicia,

there's radio and there's podcast. We got to bring this fucking podcast. Just put it up. Put it up. If they hate it, they hate it. If they want to come arrest me, they'll come arrest me. But this is what needs to be done. I could be wrong.

I could be wrong. I've been wrong before. I don't fucking know everything. Let's put the fucking podcast up. And sure enough, dog, I started getting Twitter hits. It was crazy. But the real true test of what had happened, how two worlds had combined.

Because that's what happened from 2007 to 2010 until we started the podcast. Even though I wasn't focused on stand. up. This is the weirdest thing. I was focused on different things and eventually it all came together and it made my stand up that much better. But once I told that story, this is the fucking craziest thing. Guys, I did the longest shot. It fucking was the number one movie in America. You know, I mean, when you watch it, you could tell I didn't know what I was doing, but I still did a great job. I thought people were going to come in the droves to come see me and stand up. I thought it would

raise my statue as a stand-up. It did dick. You know, my name is Earl. Now we're on TV. I thought they were going to do something from my stature. Nothing. Nothing I did help me. Nothing. It didn't put me from A to Z. But telling a story about mugging a hooker and lighten a wig on fire, So I told the story. I didn't think much of it. You know, I got some Twitter people. I got some messages. That story was disturbing.

But I don't know if you guys remember when Cat Williams blew up. Cat Williams blew up because of one fucking joke. And if you got to watch it, it's the most disturbing joke you'll ever hear in front of, you know, he took it to his own. He took it to the African American community. And he said, you know, you guys like Michael Jackson, or he's still sniffing little kids' assholes or little kids' booty holes or something. And brother, that fucking room, I think you have to go back to Katz Per Special and see the reaction that he got when he told that joke. That's the reaction whenever you do a fucking joke that we pray for.

You're not going to get it. That's the kind of jokes I want to write, that you get that mixed fucking reaction. That mixed reaction is what you take home with you and break down. And now Joey Diaz stays in your head. Kat Williams stays in your head. Patrice O'Neill stays in your head. Bill Burr stays in your head. That's the connection that I was looking for that I didn't have.

So all those years, through stand-up and through podcasting, they met. And the storytelling. So between Ari's storytelling, the podcasting storytelling, it met we became podcasters and that was the end of fucking radio and that's why we tell stories on fucking podcasts but on top of that R's this is not happening took off in a different fucking direction also because people were sick and tired of that style of whatever people want to hear the nuts and bolts of your fucking life they don't and this is what I'm doing with the book but the lesson today is

That's most important on a beautiful Monday, May the 3rd, two days before Cinco de Mayo, even though I haven't seen a Mexican, it's got to be three fucking weeks. I have not seen a Mexican in this area. I don't even know where to fucking eat Mexican food. There's a new taco stand that opened up that people are raving about, but it's an hour and a half way. Go fuck yourself. I ain't waiting for food.

This ain't fucking a van of Cuba. My point in the podcast today was to let you know that right now, even though I may not be doing stand-up and I may feel a little bit subhuman about myself and not doing stand-up. I'm still making things happen and they're making me proud more than ever have I been this proud of as I'm doing right now. Yeah, I'm missing on stand-up and I'm not doing it. I am writing a couple of jokes that I'm not going to lie to you. When and will I get back on stage, I don't know. when I feel it, your motherfuckers will be the first to know.

I'm sure that any week now, one of these weeks now, I'm going to get a call from Rich and Jimmy, and they're going to go, hey, I'm going to Tiffs tonight. I'm going to Uncle Vinnie's tonight. I'm going to, you know, the goju or comedy, whatever, Sam Tripley's room. And I'm going to say, let me, you know what? Let me go down there with you.

And I'm probably going to start with a couple 10-minute sets. then I bring it back to Uncle Vinny's and go for the hour sets and then take it from there. But whether that day is going to come or not, I have no fucking idea. I'm hoping it comes for your sake and for my sake so we can connect.

But if it doesn't, I'm still fucking making strides happen. Because I'll tell you what, when they come back with an, I think I got another meeting with a publisher this week. So I think I'm going to meet with three publishers. I'm not going to tell you the names. It really doesn't matter.

One of them, the first one I met with his fucking huge. I'm very proud. I'm very proud of my agent. This agent has the patience of a fucking monument because he's been waiting for this book for seven fucking years. We had our first meeting when I shot like Mafia 2 or something like that. We've been talking for six or seven years. I've been trying to put this book together for seven fucking years.

and I failed miserably. I'm not embarrassed to tell you. This is part of it because you shouldn't be embarrassed to ask for help. And that's what I did with Erica Florentine. And this is why we made it this far so far with the book. I'm also writing a TV show with a friend of mine, Howard. Whether it gets picked up, it doesn't fucking mad. I don't give a fuck about the money.

Well, Joey, nobody's paying you. Who cares? I'm just trying to stay busy. with writing the fucking sitcom, writing the book, working on the podcast, eventually this will come back, or something else will come from it.

What it will be, I have no fucking idea. Do you see a crystal ball there? No, neither do fucking I. So we're all fucking this together. And that's my fucking podcast for today. It's Monday to 3rd of May. What I wanted to tell you from before early in the thing was

my daughter won the game ball on fucking Saturday. You know why? Because the switch went off. Remember a couple months ago we covered the switch? I just saw the switch go off in front of my fucking eyes. And it was a beautiful thing. You know, this move wasn't about me and it wasn't about my fucking wife.

It was by my daughter. I wanted her to have the childhood stories I had, the childhood bonds that I had. I wanted how to have all these little things. And Jesus Christ, what I'm watching happen is something completely fucking different than what I expected. You know, I watched her play, I don't know. I watched it do five practices, five fucking games, and, you know, I watched the kid go.

It's like my first two years of stand-up. I was just going somewhere to do comedy. That's it. I was just going somewhere to do comedy. It took me to come to New York in 93. to meet people like Mike Bichetti to go to these clubs to realize this is what I want to do

and this is how I got to do it from now on. I saw her going and not rushing for balls no pardon the fucking express you know to charging balls now she's playing third base she's charging balls I saw her the day on Saturday

turn around and go we got two outs team we got two outs I see her in the dugout in between fucking things, singing little songs with her girlfriends. I don't even know the fucking songs about, we will, we will rock you and all this shit. And I see her grow and it's a beautiful fucking thing. You know, I'm happy that you guys are watching me grow the last nine months

on this fucking podcast, seven months, whatever the fuck we've been doing. You know, when I got here, it was a rough patch. My mind was in a bunch of places. But by writing, by working out, You know, I'm working out four days a week now. I'm 58 years old. I do two hard days. I do two recovery days.

I'm only supposed to be doing 61 weight watcher points. That's my goal for the thing. I've been hitting 70 for the last three fucking weeks. You know, I worked myself up every week more and more and more and more. So, yeah, I might not be doing stand-up, but I'm making strides in a different part of my life. My marriage is great. I'm having a great time as a dad

You know last night I went out to dinner Saturday we went out to fucking the party Sunday they had something in the daytime A kid's party had two kids parties in the daytime And then we went out to dinner Sunday night with one of our neighbors across the street To a great little Japanese steakhouse

So listen guys I'm getting better every day I'm getting stronger every day I am down to a bowl of reefer a day now. I know some of years are not going to believe that and it's not even before two o'clock. I've been smoking lately at 10.30 at night before I play the guitar. I get nice and stoned. You know, I had to switch it all around. I put my 35% weed away and I turned it all the way back to 26%. I'm doing this. Listen, guys, this is Uncle Joey fucking 2.0.

here you know my wife told me the other day something that I did not even have a clue on we're gonna have a guest on and in a couple weeks and him and I were talking about my coffee intake my coffee intake used to be a cup of coffee for breakfast then after the cup of coffee I would jam two expressos then at about two o'clock in the afternoon I would do like three fucking expressos and then at a quarter of eight every night I would do four expressos you know thank God I was using stevia and not fucking real sugar and and putting a Cuban coffee together thank God I'd be 800 pounds that's not the point that coffee was feeding my anxiety I realized that when I was doing that

afternoon cup of coffee and then you know an edible was not far around the fucking corner so between the edibles and the fucking coffee my anxiety and my between the fear I had of COVID and all this shit. My anxiety was to an all-time fucking high. You know my wife told me on Thursday last week? She hasn't ordered espresso since October. Because I stopped drinking coffee altogether. What happened was Wednesday night, I went out to eat with the kids,

with Jim Florentine, his kid, and my daughter. And I got a double espresso at like 8.30 at night. And the next day, I realized I didn't fucking sleep. I'm like, what the fuck happened last night? I took my fucking, you know, my melatonin. I took my CBD lion, melatonin gummies, fucking tremendous. I took this, I took that, and I didn't fucking sleep. I went, the fucking espresso.

I told my wife the next morning, she's like, Joey. I go, Terry, I could drink a flat white at a quarter of midnight and being better at 1230. I wouldn't sleep, right? Obviously, I would, obviously, wouldn't get grim sleep. but do you know that I drank a double espresso at dinner Wednesday night and I slept like shit when I told my wife that she goes sure you slept like shit you haven't drank express like what I forgot all about it I go what are you talking about

she goes Joey you were drinking close to fucking eight expressos a day I was restocking that the little container where we put the little single thing she goes I was restocking it every two days she goes I haven't never mind stock it i haven't even ordered expresso since october you stopped completely and you know this has just been a process guys i was just knocking on this anxiety just so i could be stronger and i could do this i was having a lot of fucking problems you know listen to my stomach that's intermittent fasting i'm telling you i'm coming at you from all fucking directions anyway thank you very much for listening now you know the story of my evolution early on with the podcasting

and the storytelling. It just wasn't there. Even at 17 years of doing stand-up, I was still struggling. People know who I was. I had done CDs and whatnot, but this is just food for thought to tell you guys, you got to keep pushing. You never know what's going to fucking. You sitting on the couch wishing,

ain't going to do nothing for you. I'd rather you work on something an hour a day. And after 90 days, you'll see what's going on and that'll excite you the way I'm excited. Now, now I can't wait to talk to Erica later on today. We're going to, you know, now we're talking three days a week

because now I know I have something that a publisher wants. So hopefully by the end of the year, we'll have this book ready for you, motherfuckers, and this all come full circle, and who knows when I'll be back for stand-up. But listen, that doesn't mean I gave up. I'm just taking a breather off

so my family could have some fun. Have a great week. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Thank you for watching Uncle Joey's joint Monday the 3rd. And I'll see you motherfuckers on Cinco to Mayo. Tip top, motherfucker, McGoo. Now for a word from our sponsors. Stay black.

All right. Before we get any going, I want to thank you guys for listening today. I also want to thank stamps.com. Listen, if you're still going for the fucking post office or you're paying full price. on postage, I don't know what to tell you. That's why I use Stamps.com. Tremendous is what I could say.

You can send letters, ship packages, anytime, anywhere, right from your computer. And if you're a small business owner, stamps.com is a must-have. Why, Uncle Joey? Because you print U.S. postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail, you ship it anywhere in the world straight from your laptop, your schedule a pickup, and the mailman will come to you. you or you can drop it off yourself buy print ship it's that simple you get discounts up to 40% off in the post office rates and up to 60% off all ups shipping rates if you're not using stamps.com

brother you're sleeping it's no wonder a million small businesses already used stamps.com with stamps.com you pay less and you get discounted rates this is tremendous why are you wasting time going to a post office. Go to stamps.com instead. It's no risk. Listen to what I'm doing for you. With promo code Joey, you're going to get a special offer

that includes a four-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale. Plus, no long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in Joey, J-O-E-Y.

That's Stamps.com promo code Joey. Never, ever. ever, ever go to the post office again. The joint is also brought to you by, come on, draft kings. Listen, the weekend's coming. It's Mother's Day. You want to buy moms and flowers, the girlfriend some flowers, you know, you want to have a little Gitas.

You don't need much fucking money. That's why I love draft kings. You know why? Because $25 goes a long way. You're just getting excited. That's it. This weekend, Saturday night, two of boxing's most recent. expected fighters will step into the ring to bang themselves in their head 20 times.

This is a highly anticipated matchup, and there's no better place to get it on the action than Draft Kings, America's top-rated sportsbook app. Why, Joey? For this weekend's big fight, get a shot at turning a dollar. One dollar into 55 fucking dollars when you bet on either main event fighter to win. That's 55 to one odds. Where the fuck you're going to get that? Uncle Joey.

at draft kings that's where you're gonna get it you bet one dollar and if your fighter wins you get 55 fucking bucks plus draft kings has fight props too try it right now plus you gotta remember baseball basketball and hockey playoffs are right around the corner baseball's in full effect draft king sports book is safe secure and reliable it means that you could deposit and withdraw funds at your motherfucking convenience why come from that's a fucking knockout so do yourself a favor right now download the top rated draft king sportsbook app use promo code joy when you sign up and for a limited time you ready for this all new users can bet one dollar to win fifty five dollars on this weekend's main event you heard it right draft king sports book is going all out for

new users by offering them a chance to win fifty five dollars when you place a bet of one dollar on this weekend's big fight only at Draft King Sportsbook app. And here's the fine print. You got to be 21 or older. New Jersey, Indiana, PA, new customers only. Restrictions apply. See draftkings.com slash sportsbook for details. You got a gambling problem?

Call 1-800 gambler or in Indiana. Call 1-800-9 with it. But now it's time to make some fucking Getus. Download the Draft King Sportsbook app for this weekend. against fight and let's make some fucking money. She could buy mom some flowers. You get your dick sucked. You could do drug.

Whatever the fuck you want to do you could do. But it starts with Draft Kings code Joey. The joint is also brought to you by C.B.D. Lion. The best. Sorry about that little cough there. That little fucking piece of gum in my throat. The best CBD line.

How do I know? I fucking lived off this stuff for you. years now from the CBD lotion to the cream to the backball to the gummies and now they got a new gummy infused with melatonin i think it's 1500 milligrams of CBD and 25 milligrams of melatonin you eat four or five of those you'll be sleeping like a baby and waking up feeling like a fucking tiger you understand me but it starts with you go into CBD fucking lying and reading on CBD C. B-B-Y, C-B-N, and how they can be advantageous to you and how they can help you with insomnia, anxiety, pain, whatever you're going through. They got tape, they got joints, they got

CBD weed down. They got, listen, go to CBD line. I could sit here for hours and telling you the benefits of them, but it starts with you going over there and seeing what's going on. You find something that works for you after you read, pressing Joey or church and get 20% off on your order delivered to your house. It's that fucking easy. I want to thank Draft Kings, co-Jewy. I want to thank Stamps.com. Code Joey.

I want to thank CBD Lion, co-Jewy at church for sponsoring this week's episode. But I want to thank you guys for listening and for the constant support. Patreon, I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week. See you Wednesday. Cinco de fucking Mayo, okay?

Get your burrito, whatever the fuck you need. I love you, Cocker. suck to stay black.